1 00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:05,080 Speaker 1: Hey, there are folks. One of our listeners wrote into us, 2 00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:09,039 Speaker 1: and she really needs some relationship help from all of us. 3 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:13,119 Speaker 1: Oralia is her name, and she said her husband has 4 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:17,040 Speaker 1: moved his mistress into their home, into the home they 5 00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:19,320 Speaker 1: used to share together. No no, no, no no no no, 6 00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:25,360 Speaker 1: the home that they are still currently sharing. The mistress 7 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:29,720 Speaker 1: has been moved in, So Auralia asks, should she still 8 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:33,400 Speaker 1: fight to save her marriage? My initial thought, what the 9 00:00:33,479 --> 00:00:37,400 Speaker 1: actual hell? Robes initial thought, you need to take your 10 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:40,280 Speaker 1: power back. And with that, welcome to this Ask Amy 11 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,479 Speaker 1: and TJ edition of Amy and TJ, where we addressed 12 00:00:42,479 --> 00:00:45,800 Speaker 1: the question from a reader listener who was written into 13 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:49,600 Speaker 1: us in our weekly Yahoo column. This is the question, 14 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:51,680 Speaker 1: the latest one that we have for this week, Robes. 15 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:55,120 Speaker 1: And you go through the comments and you noticed a 16 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:58,520 Speaker 1: very particular and a theme we haven't seen before. 17 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:03,800 Speaker 2: Yes, several of our readers actually wrote in the comments 18 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:06,680 Speaker 2: section that they didn't believe this was a real woman 19 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,399 Speaker 2: with a real question. There was a suggestion that maybe 20 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:12,560 Speaker 2: because this was so outrageous, that it was made up 21 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:16,160 Speaker 2: by Yahoo, made up by us for click bait. And 22 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:17,959 Speaker 2: you know how much if you listen to this podcast, 23 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:20,240 Speaker 2: you know how much we hate clickbait headline, so we 24 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:22,360 Speaker 2: just want to tell you first of all, right now, 25 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,320 Speaker 2: we would never be a part of anything that involved 26 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:29,760 Speaker 2: clickbaiting readers or any of you all listening. So we 27 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:35,280 Speaker 2: actually just called our Yahoo producer to make sure. We 28 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:38,280 Speaker 2: asked what the vetting process was, how we knew that 29 00:01:38,319 --> 00:01:41,039 Speaker 2: this was actually a real question, and our producer, Natalie 30 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:44,360 Speaker 2: told us this was an verifiable email account first and 31 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:48,000 Speaker 2: last name, and absolutely one percent was from a Yahoo 32 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:51,200 Speaker 2: reader who wrote in with this question. So guys, I 33 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:53,480 Speaker 2: know it's hard to believe, but it is real. 34 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:57,120 Speaker 1: But it was funny. Our producer even told us we 35 00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,120 Speaker 1: didn't want to use this oney other either because it 36 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:01,760 Speaker 1: was so out there. It is so wild that they 37 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:05,400 Speaker 1: hesitated to even present it to us. I had, I 38 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:08,160 Speaker 1: didn't think about that, and it is way out there 39 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:11,880 Speaker 1: when we first heard it. But it's real. But you 40 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:14,680 Speaker 1: read through the comments. I don't because I can't. I 41 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:18,680 Speaker 1: can't take it. But give me an idea of better idea, Jimmy, 42 00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:21,440 Speaker 1: just how many folks were questioning multiple. 43 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:24,720 Speaker 2: I would say I had, So there are thousands of comments, 44 00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:26,480 Speaker 2: which so this one really struck a chord. A lot 45 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,400 Speaker 2: of people had strong reactions, and some people say just 46 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:31,600 Speaker 2: here for the comments because they knew people were going 47 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:36,400 Speaker 2: to go to town on this particular question. Some people wrote 48 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,320 Speaker 2: that in but I just I only got through the 49 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:40,720 Speaker 2: first couple of pages of comments, and there were at 50 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:44,240 Speaker 2: least seven eight people questioning whether or not this was 51 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:45,160 Speaker 2: an actual question. 52 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:48,040 Speaker 1: And I wonder if some people didn't get past the headline, 53 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:51,359 Speaker 1: read more into what she was saying, how we responded, 54 00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:53,600 Speaker 1: or they just went to the headline, made a comment, 55 00:02:53,639 --> 00:02:55,280 Speaker 1: and then comment on that person's comment. You know how 56 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,320 Speaker 1: that kind of gets going. But you all, please, I 57 00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,760 Speaker 1: know when you first heard it. When she's saying should 58 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:02,079 Speaker 1: she fight to save her marriage when her husband has 59 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:07,160 Speaker 1: moved his mistress into their marital home. There is more 60 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:10,560 Speaker 1: to the story. We should take a beat and not judge, 61 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:12,919 Speaker 1: and you all just hear her out. So here now 62 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,040 Speaker 1: is the full question. She wrote in to. 63 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:18,880 Speaker 2: Us, Dear Amy and TJ. I am desperately trying to 64 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:22,519 Speaker 2: make my marriage work, but my husband isn't. He used 65 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:25,200 Speaker 2: to go to a nearby city to see another woman. 66 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:29,160 Speaker 2: Now she's living with us. My husband stands up for her, 67 00:03:29,639 --> 00:03:33,760 Speaker 2: not for me. I do her laundry and found suspicious 68 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:36,720 Speaker 2: things in her basket. I have tons of witnesses who 69 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:40,000 Speaker 2: have seen them together. I even caught them in bed. 70 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,960 Speaker 2: I told them I would be burning the bed next 71 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,400 Speaker 2: time I see them in it. I've been told I 72 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,920 Speaker 2: could take my husband to the cleaners if I divorced him. 73 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:51,840 Speaker 2: But I want to make my marriage work. What should 74 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:53,400 Speaker 2: I do? 75 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,280 Speaker 1: Don't? You don't even know where to start with that, 76 00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:59,520 Speaker 1: because you get beyond okay, this man, What are you 77 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:06,640 Speaker 1: talking about? Infidelity and respect? Right? Infidelity is a show 78 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:12,680 Speaker 1: of disrespect in itself. The home part is unforgivable. You 79 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:16,640 Speaker 1: can't you can disrespect your marital home without ever bringing 80 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:18,960 Speaker 1: somebody into it. It's a matter of how you treat 81 00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:22,880 Speaker 1: and how you show the person you're with that you 82 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:26,120 Speaker 1: care about them. By not nobody violates the home, is 83 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,599 Speaker 1: the argument? Just nobody can violate our home. I'm not 84 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:30,240 Speaker 1: saying it's okay for him to go to a hotel 85 00:04:30,279 --> 00:04:33,680 Speaker 1: of the next town, but the home for me was 86 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,920 Speaker 1: such an egregious error. 87 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:40,200 Speaker 2: She's doing the mistress's laundry. 88 00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:41,040 Speaker 1: I don't want to go that far. 89 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,479 Speaker 2: That's even a whole other level that I can't get 90 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:45,080 Speaker 2: my head around. And I think that's where it lost 91 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:48,760 Speaker 2: a lot of people as in, how is that actually happening? 92 00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:50,800 Speaker 2: How are you allowing that to happen? 93 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:54,080 Speaker 1: See, I didn't get that far, Like I just it's over, 94 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,680 Speaker 1: because it's just not possible. He's telling you he doesn't 95 00:04:57,680 --> 00:04:59,159 Speaker 1: want you, doesn't want to be with you, tried to 96 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:00,760 Speaker 1: force her out possible, It's just. 97 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:05,080 Speaker 2: It might be divorce is expensive, and maybe somehow, some 98 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:08,120 Speaker 2: way he thinks that she will go away, or this 99 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:09,599 Speaker 2: is just going to push her out, or maybe he 100 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:13,760 Speaker 2: just doesn't have the guts to tell her although we 101 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,799 Speaker 2: had the guts to bring another woman into their home, 102 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:19,559 Speaker 2: and it seemed as though she was still questioning whether 103 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:23,520 Speaker 2: or not anything untoward was happening, which also seems ludicrous 104 00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:27,080 Speaker 2: to me. I clicked she was looking for more proof, 105 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,400 Speaker 2: as in people see them together. I saw some things 106 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:33,520 Speaker 2: in her laundry. What receipts of dinners that they went 107 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:37,280 Speaker 2: out together? She's living in the house. What could her 108 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:39,760 Speaker 2: husband possibly be telling her that would even make her 109 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:43,320 Speaker 2: believe for one second that they're now just friends after 110 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:45,920 Speaker 2: she knows he was going to her place in another 111 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:50,080 Speaker 2: city and doing whatever he was doing with her then. 112 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:52,719 Speaker 1: But what sign has he shown her that he wants 113 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:53,800 Speaker 1: to be married to her. 114 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:56,960 Speaker 2: It doesn't seem like any sign even She even said 115 00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,520 Speaker 2: that when there are arguments or disagreements, he stands up 116 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:01,440 Speaker 2: for the other woman, not for his wife. 117 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,719 Speaker 1: Okay, so this bro she asked what should I do? 118 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,000 Speaker 1: And this is something I think you spoke on it 119 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:12,320 Speaker 1: in the column more eloquently than I can, coming from 120 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:15,880 Speaker 1: a woman's standpoint, what her challenges could possibly be. So 121 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:17,280 Speaker 1: this is where we want to give a little grace 122 00:06:17,279 --> 00:06:20,000 Speaker 1: in that judgment. Here we don't know what her situation is. 123 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,919 Speaker 1: Does she have family she can turn too, does she 124 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:23,800 Speaker 1: have anywhere to go? Does she have any money? Are 125 00:06:23,839 --> 00:06:27,040 Speaker 1: there any kids involved? There is something that's making her 126 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,240 Speaker 1: desperate to hold on and tolerate this look. 127 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:32,880 Speaker 2: I also was thinking, if she's staying home doing the laundry, 128 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,640 Speaker 2: doing the other woman's laundry, it may be I don't 129 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:38,240 Speaker 2: know how long they've been married, that he was the 130 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:41,400 Speaker 2: head of the household and she was the homemaker, or 131 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:43,599 Speaker 2: this day at home mom. She didn't mention children, but 132 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:47,000 Speaker 2: perhaps she isn't working and perhaps yes, there is a 133 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:50,560 Speaker 2: huge financial strain, and that's very scary knowing you have 134 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:52,240 Speaker 2: to go out on your own and figure things out. 135 00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:54,720 Speaker 2: Maybe she doesn't have a job, maybe she doesn't have 136 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:56,920 Speaker 2: any support system, and so she's trying to make her 137 00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:59,920 Speaker 2: marriage work. Maybe she still loves him, but maybe she's 138 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:03,120 Speaker 2: it's scary. I don't know how many years she's been 139 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:05,320 Speaker 2: with him, and how many how long she's gotten used 140 00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:08,560 Speaker 2: to living a certain way or being in a certain home, 141 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:12,480 Speaker 2: and leaving that all behind seems very overwhelming, and gosh, 142 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:16,760 Speaker 2: we know, going through a divorce, hiring a lawyer, it's 143 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:19,680 Speaker 2: very overwhelming, And so she may think the best thing 144 00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:23,040 Speaker 2: that could happen, he'll tire of this woman and he'll 145 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:27,600 Speaker 2: stay with me. I know that's a very unthinkable situation, 146 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,160 Speaker 2: given what's happening in her home right now, but I'm 147 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:33,040 Speaker 2: trying to get into her mindset. You just sometimes you 148 00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:34,960 Speaker 2: get set in your ways and it's scary to do 149 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:38,360 Speaker 2: something different. But my advice to her was to start 150 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:42,000 Speaker 2: planting the seeds so that you can get out. Start 151 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:44,160 Speaker 2: looking for a job if you don't have one, Start 152 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:47,200 Speaker 2: looking at what apartments cost if you haven't yet, Start 153 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:50,720 Speaker 2: planning your departure, and start empowering yourself right now. You 154 00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:54,080 Speaker 2: don't have to tell him anything, but just start paving 155 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:56,720 Speaker 2: the path for you to be able to have freedom, 156 00:07:56,800 --> 00:08:00,480 Speaker 2: freedom from that unbelievable stress, emotional stress. Even said I 157 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,520 Speaker 2: was worried about her physical health because I cannot imagine 158 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:08,240 Speaker 2: living in that situation, and especially if I still loved someone, 159 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,480 Speaker 2: if I still wanted to be with someone, that would 160 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:11,680 Speaker 2: be excruciating. 161 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:16,840 Speaker 1: The other thing to possibly think about, you said your 162 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,440 Speaker 1: advice to her was to make a plan. I think 163 00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:21,560 Speaker 1: that's you have to have something, you can't just keep going. 164 00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:24,120 Speaker 1: That helps at least put a plan in place. The 165 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:28,400 Speaker 1: other thing, what advice could you possibly give if she 166 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:32,880 Speaker 1: looks at you and says, Robes, I desperately want to 167 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:36,000 Speaker 1: be in this marriage, what do you advise me now? 168 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:37,600 Speaker 1: If I want to stay in. 169 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:40,920 Speaker 2: It, I would ask her why, and I would say, 170 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,920 Speaker 2: instead of putting all that love to this man who 171 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,520 Speaker 2: is not showing you respect or love, put that love 172 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:49,880 Speaker 2: back into yourself, invest in yourself. You get to this 173 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,320 Speaker 2: place sometimes where you feel like I'm nothing if I 174 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:55,600 Speaker 2: don't have him, and perhaps that's what her relationship has 175 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,679 Speaker 2: devolved into. But there is a moment where you can 176 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:01,800 Speaker 2: stand up for yourself, believe yourself, and love yourself. And 177 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:04,800 Speaker 2: if she loves herself. She would never put herself in 178 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:07,040 Speaker 2: this situation. I think in the column I did say 179 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,640 Speaker 2: something that I learned from a therapist years ago, which 180 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:12,679 Speaker 2: was so helpful in terms of what to do. She said, 181 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:16,160 Speaker 2: you have a child. Would you want this marriage for 182 00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:19,000 Speaker 2: your child? Would you want this relationship for your child? 183 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:22,000 Speaker 2: And if the answer is no, then it's certainly not 184 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,840 Speaker 2: good enough for you. That is a good way to 185 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:27,439 Speaker 2: look at it, because if you wouldn't want this relationship 186 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:31,120 Speaker 2: for someone you love, then love yourself and you shouldn't 187 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:32,360 Speaker 2: want that relationship for you. 188 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:35,200 Speaker 1: It's that simple. I mean, you put yourself in that 189 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:38,160 Speaker 1: ask that question. Do you want your daughter living with 190 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:41,360 Speaker 1: a man who has his mistress in the house. It's 191 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:42,679 Speaker 1: that sim It's no weird when you put it that. 192 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:44,480 Speaker 1: You've used that. I've heard you say it several times. 193 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:46,800 Speaker 1: But when you talk about other people you love, we 194 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:49,479 Speaker 1: don't give ourself the same decency. 195 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:49,960 Speaker 2: We don't. 196 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,880 Speaker 1: That's somebody else. I didn't read through the comments. I 197 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:54,760 Speaker 1: haven't seen the ones you've plucked out here, but we 198 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,160 Speaker 1: talked about already. Kind of a theme was people thought 199 00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:59,280 Speaker 1: this was fake, but no, this absolutely was real and 200 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:02,559 Speaker 1: came to us. So you fired up. What do you got? 201 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:05,559 Speaker 2: All right? So, first of all, and at some other 202 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,079 Speaker 2: people were very flippant and made jokes like, oh, I'm 203 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:10,280 Speaker 2: going to try this with my wife and see what happens, 204 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:14,080 Speaker 2: you know, recognizing that most women would never put up 205 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:14,320 Speaker 2: with this. 206 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:15,600 Speaker 1: I'm okay with that. 207 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:18,920 Speaker 2: There was some levity. There's some guys having some fun saying, oh, 208 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,480 Speaker 2: this is a good plan. I'm going to see what 209 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,200 Speaker 2: my wife says when I get home tonight. I'm going 210 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:23,679 Speaker 2: to show her this column. 211 00:10:23,559 --> 00:10:26,320 Speaker 1: Knowing good hell well with their wife's response exactly. 212 00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:30,240 Speaker 2: So gb O seven said this, to even ask the 213 00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:33,880 Speaker 2: question whether this man is worth sharing is unbelievable to me. 214 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:36,319 Speaker 2: I wasn't at their wedding, but I am assuming their 215 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,800 Speaker 2: vows had some language in it that they were forming 216 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:43,480 Speaker 2: a union between the two of them, not three. It's simple, bo. 217 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:46,200 Speaker 2: If that vow was broke, get a divorce. 218 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:50,520 Speaker 1: That's fair enough. Look, people survive all kinds of things 219 00:10:50,559 --> 00:10:57,120 Speaker 1: in marriages. People overcome infidelity, financial issues, arguments over kids 220 00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:00,199 Speaker 1: and how to raise them, family in laws, of all 221 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,440 Speaker 1: kinds of things, and they get over it. Some things 222 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:05,920 Speaker 1: that you think are unforgivable. This is one where to 223 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:09,400 Speaker 1: the comment here, Aren't they saying it's this simple? Everybody 224 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:13,559 Speaker 1: finds it so simple. It's all we always good, bad, 225 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:17,600 Speaker 1: black white. It's always we wanted to be simple. He's 226 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,640 Speaker 1: the bad guy. Don't do it. Leave end of it. 227 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:23,840 Speaker 1: There's nuance. There's something else going on there, and we 228 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:25,840 Speaker 1: should give her that grace. But I see where people 229 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:26,640 Speaker 1: are coming from with them that. 230 00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:29,000 Speaker 2: We don't know why she wants to stay. There could 231 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:30,760 Speaker 2: have been there could be a lot of reasons that 232 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,480 Speaker 2: we don't understand. I think that's certainly something I've learned 233 00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:35,880 Speaker 2: over the years. It's very easy to have an opinion 234 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,199 Speaker 2: from the outside looking in, and she's certainly asking you 235 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,599 Speaker 2: the question, so you know, hopefully she reads some of 236 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:44,280 Speaker 2: these questions and maybe feels the strength and the empowerment 237 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:46,160 Speaker 2: to go ahead and make the decision she already knows 238 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:47,240 Speaker 2: she should deep down within. 239 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:48,920 Speaker 1: Man, when you say that we talk about her, I 240 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:50,720 Speaker 1: didn't think about all the people who've written into us. 241 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:54,840 Speaker 1: I don't think about them reading other comments from other 242 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:58,000 Speaker 1: folks who read the column. I'm only thinking about them 243 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:01,160 Speaker 1: reading our advice. If you will, I think about it now, 244 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:02,920 Speaker 1: and now my heart, I plea, Oh my god, I 245 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:05,079 Speaker 1: hope she doesn't have to read this stuff that people 246 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,400 Speaker 1: have written in and that's what I mean, just a 247 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:10,560 Speaker 1: little grace, a little understanding. You could disagree, but some 248 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:13,000 Speaker 1: of the stuff calling people stupid and no brainer and 249 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:14,160 Speaker 1: all that kind of that's. 250 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:17,480 Speaker 2: Yeah, you don't know what someone else's life is like 251 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:20,720 Speaker 2: until you've walked in their shoes. That's just that's the truth, 252 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:25,040 Speaker 2: all right. Sean Marie writes this, so sorry, but you 253 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:29,400 Speaker 2: don't have a marriage to save. Your husband is using you. 254 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,480 Speaker 2: Get out and take him for whatever you can get 255 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:35,959 Speaker 2: when you divorce him. Once the legal situation is settled, 256 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:39,880 Speaker 2: ghost him, block him on everything, and find someone who 257 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:42,880 Speaker 2: will respect you. I know that sounds harsh and difficult, 258 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,839 Speaker 2: but I managed to do this back in the seventies. 259 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,839 Speaker 2: It was the best thing I ever did for myself 260 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:52,319 Speaker 2: and my son. I hope you can realize you deserve 261 00:12:52,559 --> 00:12:53,320 Speaker 2: so much better. 262 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:56,320 Speaker 1: I have been so taken by some comments where people 263 00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:59,880 Speaker 1: incorporate their own history and they give solid advice. That 264 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,400 Speaker 1: was so well done. The first line, you don't. 265 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:07,280 Speaker 2: Have a marriage to save, I thought that was really telling. 266 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:11,960 Speaker 2: To that line hits it's not a marriage anymore. And 267 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:15,640 Speaker 2: maybe it was at one point, and you're maybe are 268 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:18,200 Speaker 2: our reader. She is holding on. So many of us 269 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,360 Speaker 2: do this. I've done this. You cling on to what was, 270 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,280 Speaker 2: or what it was supposed to be, or what it 271 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:24,520 Speaker 2: used to be. But at some point you have to 272 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:27,960 Speaker 2: acknowledge what it is. And certainly, I think Sean Maurie 273 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:32,320 Speaker 2: put it very very bluntly, but very correctly, you don't 274 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:36,360 Speaker 2: have a marriage to save. All right, We've got the 275 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,480 Speaker 2: next comment from Bob. So he starts, my husband moved 276 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:42,640 Speaker 2: his mistress into our house dot dot dot. You want 277 00:13:42,679 --> 00:13:45,680 Speaker 2: to know if your marriage can be saved. Of course 278 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:50,200 Speaker 2: it can, but why would you want to You suffered 279 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:54,240 Speaker 2: the greatest betrayal. You deserve so much better. He doesn't 280 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:57,720 Speaker 2: love you or respect you. For sure, do not waste 281 00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:00,720 Speaker 2: another breath on him. Right around the corner is a 282 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:03,280 Speaker 2: man who will love you and respect you and make 283 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:07,160 Speaker 2: you number one in his life, not number two. I 284 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:10,160 Speaker 2: appreciated the hopefulness of that. I think sometimes you know, 285 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,920 Speaker 2: when you're in this situation where you feel desperate, trapped, 286 00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,920 Speaker 2: you can't get out, there's no future. Sometimes it just 287 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:20,560 Speaker 2: takes one person telling you, hey, the person who's going 288 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,200 Speaker 2: to be there for you, the person who's going to 289 00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:24,640 Speaker 2: respect you is right around the corner. But you have 290 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:26,160 Speaker 2: to get rid of this guy first. 291 00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:31,400 Speaker 1: That's step one. That's those two comments were great advice. 292 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:33,040 Speaker 1: And I forgot to ask you this at the top. 293 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:37,000 Speaker 1: You say usually in the columns are weekly column it's 294 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,760 Speaker 1: almost overwhelmingly guys commenting what do you get on this? 295 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,880 Speaker 2: More women chimed in on this. I think women were 296 00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:44,480 Speaker 2: just so up in arms that it still had a 297 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:47,680 Speaker 2: lot of guys, But I definitely saw more women chiming 298 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,160 Speaker 2: in on this one than usual. 299 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:51,120 Speaker 1: Okay, we got a couple more comments to share with 300 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:55,280 Speaker 1: you all, including one from Wendy, who summed this up 301 00:14:55,680 --> 00:15:03,280 Speaker 1: in four words. 302 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:09,760 Speaker 2: Welcome back everyone to this edition of Amy and TJ. 303 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:13,720 Speaker 2: This is our ask Amy and TJ based on our 304 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,200 Speaker 2: column on Yahoo. It's in the live section, and this 305 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:19,320 Speaker 2: week's was a doozy. So many people were so taken 306 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:24,760 Speaker 2: aback by our reader who wrote in orla or yah right, 307 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,440 Speaker 2: or ya. I'm having a hard time saying her name, Uralia. 308 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:31,160 Speaker 2: She's asking if she could still fight, should she still 309 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,400 Speaker 2: fight to save her marriage even though her husband has 310 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,600 Speaker 2: moved his mistress into their home. And so we've had 311 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:40,640 Speaker 2: a lot of reaction, even some disbelief by some folks 312 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,520 Speaker 2: who read this column. But we assure you this is 313 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:46,680 Speaker 2: real and this is happening. So Wendy in the comment 314 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:52,960 Speaker 2: section wrote this put it very succinctly. The answer should 315 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:58,960 Speaker 2: have taken only four words, your marriage is over. And 316 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:02,240 Speaker 2: then Wendy adds, this woman has no self esteem. I 317 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:05,000 Speaker 2: felt like that was a little harsh, Wendy, because I 318 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:09,160 Speaker 2: get it, but that's it's gosh, it's just so hard 319 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:11,440 Speaker 2: to put yourself in that situation. It didn't start out 320 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:15,120 Speaker 2: that way. I'm sure. I'm sure she married him because 321 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:17,440 Speaker 2: she loved him, and he loved her, and they had 322 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:20,440 Speaker 2: some beautiful times together. And you're just I can understand 323 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,440 Speaker 2: clinging onto that hope and wanting it to be something 324 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:26,400 Speaker 2: that it isn't anymore. And yes, maybe over the years 325 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:30,040 Speaker 2: her self esteem was whittled away, you know, maybe she 326 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,240 Speaker 2: lost who she was along the way. That happens to 327 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:35,320 Speaker 2: so many women. I've been there. I think so many 328 00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:39,440 Speaker 2: women have been there, and so I believe that Aralia 329 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,400 Speaker 2: can get her self esteem back. But the first step 330 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:44,560 Speaker 2: is by acknowledging that this is not a healthy place. 331 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:47,160 Speaker 1: To be, Wendy. That's one of the shortest comments. Probably 332 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:50,400 Speaker 1: you saw. She essentially wrote two sentences and it hits 333 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,800 Speaker 1: your marriage is over, this woman has no self esteem. 334 00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:55,800 Speaker 1: That sounds a little harsh, but it also might be true. Yeah, 335 00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:58,360 Speaker 1: and again it might not knocking Wendy here. It might 336 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:01,160 Speaker 1: sound harsh on paper seeing it read, but she might 337 00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:02,560 Speaker 1: have said it with a lot of heart and a 338 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:05,240 Speaker 1: lot of understanding and maybe a lot of empathy for 339 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:07,920 Speaker 1: what the lady is going through. So I appreciate these comments. 340 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:12,080 Speaker 2: Well, sometimes I know sometimes things seem harsh, but sometimes 341 00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:14,800 Speaker 2: people need to hear it bluntly for it to resonate, 342 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:16,280 Speaker 2: for it to kind of hit home. And so yes, 343 00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:19,920 Speaker 2: Wendy did bring it home with her comment. Let's now 344 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:23,159 Speaker 2: go to John M. This one was really interesting to 345 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,119 Speaker 2: me John Emm's comment, so I wanted to share it 346 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:29,399 Speaker 2: here on the podcast. John M writes, I was a 347 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,560 Speaker 2: bit of a hippie when I was younger, and no 348 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:35,080 Speaker 2: doubt these kind of alternative relationships can work and be 349 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:41,119 Speaker 2: very beneficial for everyone if everyone is on the same page. 350 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:44,639 Speaker 2: I lived with two ex girlfriends back in the early 351 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,480 Speaker 2: two thousands and it was great most of the time, 352 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:51,800 Speaker 2: even for them. Ultimately, this line was funny. Ultimately it 353 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:57,000 Speaker 2: didn't work out because of typical issues alcoholism, prescription drug abuse, gambling, 354 00:17:57,359 --> 00:17:59,840 Speaker 2: but it could have, and there were moments where I 355 00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:02,520 Speaker 2: think we were all on board with it. I liked 356 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:04,359 Speaker 2: that they were friends and lovers as well, and they 357 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,440 Speaker 2: had good times hanging with each other when I was 358 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:09,159 Speaker 2: out of town or working odd hours. You have to 359 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:12,560 Speaker 2: have a level of confidence and emotional security, which most 360 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:16,560 Speaker 2: don't have. So John Emma was talking about, Hey, clearly 361 00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:20,239 Speaker 2: this is a threesome, even if Auralia isn't involved in it. 362 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:24,640 Speaker 2: She's kind of maybe she's a satellite around what could 363 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:27,720 Speaker 2: be a threesome. But he was kind of basically pointing 364 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,159 Speaker 2: out to the fact that alternative lifestyles can work, but 365 00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:34,680 Speaker 2: only when three people are agreeing to the situation, which 366 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,680 Speaker 2: Auralia is clearly not agreeing with. 367 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:41,120 Speaker 1: Okay, so do I have this right now? That Canda 368 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:45,320 Speaker 1: ask when we first got her question, did anything in 369 00:18:45,359 --> 00:18:49,480 Speaker 1: your mind make it feel like this was an actual thropple, 370 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:51,680 Speaker 1: intentional thruptle. 371 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:55,600 Speaker 2: No, And but the fact that she is still living 372 00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:59,000 Speaker 2: there and living with this happening in her home. I 373 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:02,960 Speaker 2: did have the initial thought, maybe she doesn't mind having 374 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:06,880 Speaker 2: someone helping out with groceries or house cleaning, and maybe 375 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,080 Speaker 2: she's sick of having sex with her husband. I mean, 376 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:14,240 Speaker 2: there are women who are not interested sexually anymore in 377 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:18,159 Speaker 2: their husbands and actually don't mind having a girlfriend around 378 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,480 Speaker 2: or another person in the house to help with the 379 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:24,359 Speaker 2: maybe the bills and the chores. So I was thinking, 380 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,879 Speaker 2: could that be something? Could there be some benefit to 381 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:31,119 Speaker 2: her at some point? Why would she stay that? My 382 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,800 Speaker 2: mind did go there, not thinking that maybe she was 383 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:37,439 Speaker 2: interested in a thruple or the threesome thing, but just 384 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:42,080 Speaker 2: that maybe it wasn't or isn't all bad. Otherwise, why 385 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:45,520 Speaker 2: in God's name would she stay for one more second? 386 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:49,040 Speaker 1: I was fascinated John at a very interesting write up. 387 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,640 Speaker 1: But the funniest part, obviously was it didn't work out 388 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:55,680 Speaker 1: because of typical issues, you know, alcoholism, prescription drug use 389 00:19:58,520 --> 00:19:58,920 Speaker 1: in the day. 390 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,440 Speaker 2: And that's funny because to John M, those are typical 391 00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:02,760 Speaker 2: issues that everyone deals with. 392 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:08,080 Speaker 1: Me, you know, we got it good that. 393 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,480 Speaker 2: Actually, John M. Thank you that. That actually made me 394 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:13,240 Speaker 2: laugh so hard when I read that comment. But you 395 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:17,000 Speaker 2: know that just but that is another example. Everyone has 396 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:21,000 Speaker 2: very different versions of what is normal. Everyone has very 397 00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:24,120 Speaker 2: different versions of what is typical and. 398 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:26,719 Speaker 1: What is a relationship and what is love? And what 399 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:29,320 Speaker 1: you can tolerate? And we all look and judge and 400 00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:31,840 Speaker 1: you do, how dare you that works for you? If 401 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,880 Speaker 1: you're not hurting yourself and somebody else knock yourself out? 402 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,960 Speaker 1: Do you think? But this, I don't know how atypical 403 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,120 Speaker 1: this is. This is not a throutle situation. What show 404 00:20:41,119 --> 00:20:42,520 Speaker 1: are we watching now that has a throttle? 405 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,360 Speaker 2: Oh yes, it's a ninety day fiance thutle. 406 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:46,200 Speaker 1: And it's breaking down. 407 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:50,200 Speaker 2: It's even that when all three people are consenting adults 408 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:54,879 Speaker 2: and willing participants and excited, it's still it's It unravels 409 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,280 Speaker 2: pretty quickly. They say two's company, three is a crowd. 410 00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:59,080 Speaker 2: I mean, you certainly see that happening. Not that it 411 00:20:59,119 --> 00:21:01,840 Speaker 2: can't work, but you can see where it's hard enough 412 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:05,080 Speaker 2: with two people at a third. I can't even imagine 413 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:10,480 Speaker 2: adding that dynamic into an already difficult situation, because relationships 414 00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:13,680 Speaker 2: are hard, even good relationships are hard. And I think 415 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:16,200 Speaker 2: you live enough life, haven't you heard? Well, at least 416 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:18,399 Speaker 2: some of my friends over the years start telling me 417 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,720 Speaker 2: about things they've done to cope or to spice up 418 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:24,879 Speaker 2: their marriages, and it wouldn't be for me. But you 419 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:28,320 Speaker 2: don't know what's going on behind other people's closed doors 420 00:21:28,359 --> 00:21:30,280 Speaker 2: as much as you even might think you know someone. 421 00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:32,920 Speaker 1: We need to our marriage in some way. What would 422 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,880 Speaker 1: be your thing? What's spicy? It would be spicing up 423 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:38,440 Speaker 1: like you d dressing up like a babe. 424 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:41,679 Speaker 2: I've had way I've had way too much flavor in 425 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:44,639 Speaker 2: my life. I would like I'd like I'm all about 426 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:49,200 Speaker 2: keeping things flavor. We've just had a lot of a 427 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:49,800 Speaker 2: lot of spice. 428 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:51,440 Speaker 1: I thought you were gonna say, like you used to 429 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,160 Speaker 1: dress up like a you. 430 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:56,240 Speaker 2: Know how you don't like. I wasn't going there. I 431 00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:58,800 Speaker 2: wasn't gonna I wasn't gonna Okay, I wasn't gonna jump 432 00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:02,000 Speaker 2: on that. But I'm very happy. I want peace, I 433 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:04,720 Speaker 2: want love, I want respect. That's all I want. 434 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:08,159 Speaker 1: Well, let's give Auralia a little bit of that. She 435 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:10,440 Speaker 1: could use some peace, she could use all of our love, 436 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,560 Speaker 1: and she could use respect from our own damn husband. 437 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:16,280 Speaker 1: So you all, thank you for always listening, and also 438 00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:18,560 Speaker 1: thank you all for chiming in. We got a cool 439 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,760 Speaker 1: thing going here now with the Yahoo comun We really 440 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:24,879 Speaker 1: appreciate it. Having some serious conversations but for Auralia, please 441 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:27,119 Speaker 1: know we're we're thinking about you, love you, and we 442 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:28,920 Speaker 1: really want you to be in a better situation. 443 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:31,520 Speaker 2: We certainly do and thank you for listening. You can 444 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:35,440 Speaker 2: check us out again Yahoo Life section, ask Amy and TJ. 445 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:47,160 Speaker 2: But for now, have a wonderful day everybody,