WEBVTT - Let's Get Real About Grief...with Dorinda Medley 0:00:02.480 --> 0:00:04.560 This is Let's Be Clear with Shannon Dorny. 0:00:07.720 --> 0:00:10.760 Hi, Let's be clear listeners. I am so honored to 0:00:10.840 --> 0:00:13.760 be here today. My name is Drenda medlady, and you 0:00:13.920 --> 0:00:16.880 probably know me from the Bravo World, The Real Health 0:00:16.880 --> 0:00:20.840 Face in New York City, Ultimate Girls Trip, and of 0:00:20.880 --> 0:00:24.599 course now Traders, and I feel very honored to be 0:00:24.880 --> 0:00:29.040 hosting this episode of Let's Be Clear. I never had 0:00:29.080 --> 0:00:31.840 the opportunity to meet Shannon Dorty, but I know that 0:00:31.880 --> 0:00:34.560 she was an incredible actress. I was a huge fan, 0:00:34.760 --> 0:00:38.120 as was many and I thought it was amazing the 0:00:38.159 --> 0:00:42.360 way she was able to talk about her journey with 0:00:42.560 --> 0:00:46.600 the battling cancer and share it and help other people 0:00:46.680 --> 0:00:50.040 that are going through something similar, any sort of you know, 0:00:50.159 --> 0:00:54.600 death or grief or battling any kind of illness. And 0:00:54.680 --> 0:00:57.400 I thought, like so many people that have gone through this, 0:00:58.200 --> 0:01:00.600 it was important for me to come on and talk 0:01:00.640 --> 0:01:05.479 about my journey with dealing with the loss of someone 0:01:05.560 --> 0:01:09.039 you love through sickness and just talk about grief a 0:01:09.040 --> 0:01:12.920 little bit, and how do we manage grief and is 0:01:13.000 --> 0:01:15.039 grief something that we should talk about? 0:01:15.200 --> 0:01:17.360 Is grief? Is grief a dirty word? 0:01:17.880 --> 0:01:21.880 I felt a little bit like that after Richard passed, 0:01:21.920 --> 0:01:24.679 I felt like I was embarrassed or ashamed or kind 0:01:24.720 --> 0:01:26.840 of had to keep it to myself. And I really 0:01:27.319 --> 0:01:30.400 love the fact that when I was able to have 0:01:30.440 --> 0:01:33.680 a moment with Carol on the show and we both 0:01:33.760 --> 0:01:37.240 had this similar experience of losing a partner and a husband, 0:01:37.840 --> 0:01:41.360 that it just opened up such a beautiful conversation with 0:01:41.480 --> 0:01:45.200 the world, and I just thought the response was incredible. 0:01:45.240 --> 0:01:48.320 So for me, I believe grief is something that you 0:01:49.080 --> 0:01:53.600 sadly have to become friends with. It's one friend that 0:01:53.640 --> 0:01:56.400 you're going to visit at some point in your life. 0:01:56.640 --> 0:01:59.360 No one gets away from it, the loss of a 0:01:59.360 --> 0:02:04.920 family member, were a partner, a pet, any loved ones. 0:02:05.160 --> 0:02:07.280 Grief is gonna come to. 0:02:07.240 --> 0:02:10.200 You one day and you're gonna have to deal take 0:02:10.280 --> 0:02:12.480 that journey and learn how to deal with it and 0:02:12.880 --> 0:02:16.120 talk about it and get comfortable with it and try 0:02:16.160 --> 0:02:19.320 to understand it, and if you're lucky, find others that 0:02:19.400 --> 0:02:21.040 you can share the experience with. 0:02:21.280 --> 0:02:25.240 So I think that it's important. 0:02:25.280 --> 0:02:31.320 In psychology, they talk about the five stages of briefing, denial, angle, bargaining, depression, 0:02:31.440 --> 0:02:36.680 and acceptance. And I really do think, you know, I 0:02:36.720 --> 0:02:41.640 didn't do a ton of therapy after Richard passed. I 0:02:41.680 --> 0:02:44.160 did a lot of my therapy on the journey. While 0:02:44.200 --> 0:02:46.960 he was passing. I had a lot of very honest 0:02:47.000 --> 0:02:51.280 conversations with Richard, which I think is very important. I 0:02:51.320 --> 0:02:54.519 think the best thing you can do when you are 0:02:55.200 --> 0:02:59.840 in the midst of being and shepherding someone to the 0:03:00.080 --> 0:03:02.160 end of their life is that you have to be 0:03:02.320 --> 0:03:06.160 uncomfortably honest with each other. You know, you can't let 0:03:06.200 --> 0:03:08.520 fear take over, and you can't let and you can't 0:03:08.520 --> 0:03:11.519 be in denial over the inevitable, because it gives both 0:03:11.600 --> 0:03:16.720 parties peace and being Richard's caretaker till the end, you know, 0:03:16.919 --> 0:03:19.320 I felt like I had a lot of closure and 0:03:19.360 --> 0:03:22.200 I did a lot of the work that I needed 0:03:22.240 --> 0:03:27.640 to do to then prepare myself for the grieving part 0:03:27.720 --> 0:03:29.960 of him no longer being part of me. So I 0:03:30.000 --> 0:03:33.560 do think that when you are dealing with someone that's 0:03:33.880 --> 0:03:38.600 ill and go, you know, not going to make it, 0:03:38.720 --> 0:03:42.560 that you have to have some very honest conversations and 0:03:42.600 --> 0:03:47.320 it puts both parties at peace. And it really is 0:03:47.360 --> 0:03:50.560 a beautiful thing. Because I once told someone that I think, 0:03:50.800 --> 0:03:55.200 beside you know, being intimate with Richard physically, the most 0:03:55.240 --> 0:03:59.200 intimate thing I had with Richard was our conversations doing 0:03:59.680 --> 0:04:03.360 his journey, you know, to the other side. So they 0:04:03.360 --> 0:04:06.360 were just so one on one, so intense, so real, 0:04:06.520 --> 0:04:10.800 with no outdoor outside noise. So I would urge anybody 0:04:10.880 --> 0:04:13.600 that is going through this process of dealing with someone 0:04:13.720 --> 0:04:17.920 or being with someone that's ill, and to converse with them, 0:04:18.200 --> 0:04:22.520 ask questions, talk about their wants and needs, talk about 0:04:22.560 --> 0:04:26.240 your wants and needs, you know, the caretaker. I would say, 0:04:26.240 --> 0:04:30.040 when someone's dying, you're kind of you know, when someone's 0:04:30.080 --> 0:04:33.839 sick and dying, you get sick too. Because it's very intense. 0:04:33.920 --> 0:04:38.360 It's very intense, and not to be underrated. I think 0:04:38.400 --> 0:04:44.200 the most challenging stage was the not knowing when it 0:04:44.240 --> 0:04:47.080 was going to happen, knowing it was going to happen, 0:04:47.320 --> 0:04:51.560 understanding that my husband wasn't going to get better, but 0:04:51.600 --> 0:04:55.520 there was no timeline, so days and nights and weeks 0:04:55.560 --> 0:04:57.839 just kind of ran into each other. And what happens 0:04:57.920 --> 0:05:02.960 is because you're going through this, you don't have any 0:05:03.000 --> 0:05:05.240 time for the outside world because it's all consuming. 0:05:05.400 --> 0:05:07.440 So your world gets very. 0:05:07.279 --> 0:05:11.360 Small, gets very organized, gets very focused, and the only 0:05:11.400 --> 0:05:14.640 things I could focus on, we're getting up getting to Richard, 0:05:14.720 --> 0:05:17.279 taking care of him and getting back home and taking 0:05:17.279 --> 0:05:20.240 care of my daughter. And you know, I didn't have 0:05:20.279 --> 0:05:23.840 time for frivolity. I really didn't have time for fun. 0:05:24.400 --> 0:05:26.680 Not that it wasn't there, and not that people didn't 0:05:26.720 --> 0:05:30.120 reach out, but you get into such a mindset and 0:05:30.160 --> 0:05:34.760 such a focus to make sure that you can because 0:05:34.800 --> 0:05:38.120 you never know when it's gonna happen. So that's very frustrating, 0:05:38.160 --> 0:05:41.600 I think for a caretaker, because each day is on repeat, 0:05:41.800 --> 0:05:45.520 rinch wash repeat, rinch wash repeat. So I thought this 0:05:45.880 --> 0:05:49.479 the journeying with him, you know, everybody gets very tired, 0:05:49.520 --> 0:05:51.159 and I don't think you should be embarrassed as a 0:05:51.200 --> 0:05:54.120 caretaker say I'm tired and I don't want to do 0:05:54.160 --> 0:05:56.880 this anymore, and and like when is this. 0:05:56.920 --> 0:05:59.080 Going to happen? And I know that sounds terrible, but 0:06:00.080 --> 0:06:01.040 it's part of it. 0:06:01.120 --> 0:06:05.400 You know, we want caretakers and we want people in 0:06:05.480 --> 0:06:08.000 grief to be one certain way. There's sort of a 0:06:08.040 --> 0:06:11.279 description about how you must be or what it must 0:06:11.320 --> 0:06:13.960 look like, or how you must react and when you 0:06:14.040 --> 0:06:17.320 must start dating, and there's not there's no rule book 0:06:17.360 --> 0:06:20.440 for this. You don't understand it till you're in it 0:06:21.720 --> 0:06:23.880 and you don't know how to deal with it till 0:06:23.880 --> 0:06:28.120 you're in it. And for each person it's an individual experience. 0:06:28.200 --> 0:06:31.360 So that's what I would say about that. Here is 0:06:31.400 --> 0:06:34.440 the good news and the bad news about a major 0:06:34.520 --> 0:06:37.919 loss in your life. The bad news is very clear 0:06:38.000 --> 0:06:40.920 what it is. You lose someone you love it and 0:06:41.000 --> 0:06:45.320 for me it was really the first time besides grandparents 0:06:45.880 --> 0:06:48.960 and things that were sort of a natural step of 0:06:49.080 --> 0:06:51.960 a journey of becoming an adult. You know, you lose 0:06:52.000 --> 0:06:55.800 your grandparents, it's very sad, but you'd understand it and 0:06:55.839 --> 0:06:56.200 you move on. 0:06:56.320 --> 0:06:59.640 But when you lose someone suddenly, and you lose someone 0:06:59.760 --> 0:07:04.600 you very deeply, you love, very deeply, it changes you forever. 0:07:05.400 --> 0:07:10.200 It's a scar, it's a definite scar, and you are like, wow, 0:07:10.280 --> 0:07:13.040 the world looks different now, like this really does happen. 0:07:13.520 --> 0:07:15.400 And you don't get a lot of time. 0:07:15.480 --> 0:07:18.120 You know, they if they pass on a Thursday, your 0:07:18.440 --> 0:07:22.920 Thursday night is when your new life starts, your new 0:07:22.960 --> 0:07:27.480 world starts. And there's a lot of first after someone 0:07:27.560 --> 0:07:30.160 dies that you just are so jarring. Like when you 0:07:30.200 --> 0:07:33.040 wake up it's the first time you know that you 0:07:33.120 --> 0:07:34.080 wake up alone. 0:07:34.200 --> 0:07:35.360 It's the first. 0:07:35.120 --> 0:07:38.000 Time you realize you're not gonna have coffee with them again. 0:07:38.120 --> 0:07:40.360 It's the first time where you look at their clothes 0:07:40.360 --> 0:07:42.160 in the closet and realize they're never going to be 0:07:42.200 --> 0:07:46.520 warned again. It's the first time you're thinking about paying bills. 0:07:46.880 --> 0:07:50.080 Everything becomes a first because now it's just you. So 0:07:50.360 --> 0:07:54.680 I think that is really an amazing thing. I mean, 0:07:57.200 --> 0:07:59.640 and it takes a long time. Grief takes a long time. 0:07:59.640 --> 0:08:02.200 I was to someone yesterday they said, you know, one 0:08:02.200 --> 0:08:05.120 of the biggest questions I get about grief is how 0:08:05.120 --> 0:08:06.040 long does it take? 0:08:06.600 --> 0:08:09.720 Like when will I feel better? And my answer to 0:08:09.800 --> 0:08:15.960 that always is is that grief never goes away. It 0:08:16.080 --> 0:08:20.240 just doesn't. It's you know, it's so big. 0:08:20.280 --> 0:08:23.840 In the beginning, it's so overwhelming, and it just like 0:08:23.960 --> 0:08:28.000 blocks out everything else. But over time, as you kind 0:08:28.040 --> 0:08:33.040 of do the obvious things of you know, rearranging how 0:08:33.040 --> 0:08:37.320 your living space and get start to go out more 0:08:37.360 --> 0:08:39.000 and meet new people. And I think a lot of 0:08:39.000 --> 0:08:41.360 times I found this that a lot of times people 0:08:41.400 --> 0:08:43.480 don't end up hanging around with the same people they 0:08:43.480 --> 0:08:46.240 did before. Sometimes it's just too painful. You know, when 0:08:46.280 --> 0:08:48.920 you were once a couple, you're now as single and 0:08:48.960 --> 0:08:52.520 it's easier to just go out and sort of recreate yourself. 0:08:52.880 --> 0:08:55.520 You know, not that your family and your really close 0:08:55.559 --> 0:08:57.960 friends don't stay close, but you sort of create a 0:08:58.000 --> 0:09:01.240 new world and you start to slow. You have to 0:09:01.280 --> 0:09:03.520 go inward before you go outward. It's almost like you 0:09:03.520 --> 0:09:05.280 have to become a plant that has to you know, 0:09:05.400 --> 0:09:08.320 recede themselves back in the soil, and you come out 0:09:08.360 --> 0:09:13.040 a different flower a little bit, and you you know, 0:09:13.080 --> 0:09:17.880 you start to have new experiences, new first new, first 0:09:17.960 --> 0:09:20.160 time going on a holiday together, and you start to 0:09:20.200 --> 0:09:22.440 realize it's not so bad, and you start to have 0:09:23.320 --> 0:09:25.840 big all kinds of people around you. And you know, 0:09:25.920 --> 0:09:28.960 for me, I started doing television and that opened up 0:09:28.960 --> 0:09:29.439 a big world. 0:09:29.520 --> 0:09:31.040 So it's not that the grief went away. 0:09:31.120 --> 0:09:34.120 It's that I started to get bigger and bigger, so 0:09:34.200 --> 0:09:37.760 the grief became a little less. But there are always 0:09:37.880 --> 0:09:40.960 trick rea moments, and you know, I have them a 0:09:41.000 --> 0:09:43.800 lot because I feel like I'm very connected. I mean, 0:09:43.840 --> 0:09:45.640 of course the holidays. 0:09:45.040 --> 0:09:48.200 You always feel these trickery moments when you visit them 0:09:48.440 --> 0:09:50.640 where you think they're resting, you know, in the rest place. 0:09:50.679 --> 0:09:53.840 For me, I go visit Richard at his gravesite, or 0:09:53.880 --> 0:09:56.720 when you just have a moment with a smell or 0:09:56.760 --> 0:10:00.560 a song or something comes in there, the immediate hensity 0:10:00.760 --> 0:10:03.320 waves back into you for a moment. But each time 0:10:03.400 --> 0:10:08.560 that happens, it gets it goes from being overwhelmingly terrible 0:10:08.640 --> 0:10:12.400 to a gift. And I did say to someone that, 0:10:12.480 --> 0:10:17.840 you know, grief is kind of a gift because you 0:10:17.880 --> 0:10:20.640 until you experienced grief and go through it, you know, 0:10:20.720 --> 0:10:24.800 you don't realize that you really were so connected to 0:10:24.880 --> 0:10:28.160 someone and you had this love so much for this 0:10:28.240 --> 0:10:32.320 person and this devotion, and you watched him journey through 0:10:32.360 --> 0:10:36.000 his whole life. You were privy to that moment in 0:10:36.040 --> 0:10:37.120 his life when. 0:10:36.960 --> 0:10:41.800 He left this earth that you know, it's a beautiful 0:10:41.840 --> 0:10:45.559 gift to have to have had that, because without that 0:10:45.679 --> 0:10:49.800 much love and without that much devotion, and with that 0:10:50.000 --> 0:10:53.439 much knowledge of knowing that you know, things do come 0:10:53.480 --> 0:10:57.719 to an end, you can't be so appreciative. I'm so appreciative, 0:10:58.160 --> 0:11:01.520 I'm more. I'm not more, or I'm just as much 0:11:01.600 --> 0:11:05.080 appreciative of the life that I had with Richard and 0:11:05.120 --> 0:11:06.880 the love I had with Richard. 0:11:07.960 --> 0:11:12.040 Like it was, it just was. It was an amazing thing. 0:11:12.160 --> 0:11:15.120 So to experience this grief and to know it's because 0:11:15.200 --> 0:11:20.319 a byproduct of something incredibly beautiful, wouldn't I wouldn't trade 0:11:20.360 --> 0:11:22.520 it again. I was someone said you could do it 0:11:22.559 --> 0:11:26.080 all over again, but it wasn't Richard. You married someone else, 0:11:26.120 --> 0:11:29.240 but they lived. I'll be honest with you, I don't know. 0:11:29.280 --> 0:11:31.640 I'd probably do it all over again with Richard because 0:11:32.000 --> 0:11:35.200 he lives with me forever. Going back to like I said, 0:11:35.280 --> 0:11:38.680 the grief, I don't think ever really goes away. You know, 0:11:39.080 --> 0:11:42.720 it doesn't work like that. It's a it's like love 0:11:42.880 --> 0:11:47.200 doesn't ever go away. Love is just forever, right, So 0:11:47.320 --> 0:11:51.240 grief doesn't go away. But I think, you know, there's 0:11:51.320 --> 0:11:55.719 a lot of weirdness around grief. There's a lot of 0:11:55.840 --> 0:11:58.760 uncomfortableness for people. I don't know if it's if it 0:11:58.800 --> 0:12:02.280 taps into their mortality. So you know, a lot of 0:12:02.320 --> 0:12:06.960 people try to just work through it. They try to 0:12:07.000 --> 0:12:10.600 just like not deal with it by dealing with it. 0:12:10.640 --> 0:12:14.960 And what I mean by that talking about it, feeling it, 0:12:16.760 --> 0:12:19.640 sharing it, and the people around you that aren't willing 0:12:19.679 --> 0:12:23.960 to journey with you, to do that as much as 0:12:24.000 --> 0:12:26.000 they would journey with you in a love affair, they 0:12:26.000 --> 0:12:28.240 have to journey with you here, and it's a really 0:12:28.280 --> 0:12:32.000 great time in your life to realize who really is 0:12:32.080 --> 0:12:35.520 part of your tribe, who really loves you, who really 0:12:35.600 --> 0:12:38.000 is going to stick by you, because you do have 0:12:38.120 --> 0:12:39.360 to journey through it. 0:12:40.280 --> 0:12:42.040 You don't get over it. 0:12:41.559 --> 0:12:44.600 It's not like a you know, a headache or a 0:12:44.679 --> 0:12:45.480 broken ankle. 0:12:46.240 --> 0:12:48.480 It's part of the fabric of your life. 0:12:48.520 --> 0:12:51.760 Now. If your life is a quilt and there's all 0:12:51.880 --> 0:12:55.280 kinds of different patches in the quilt, you know, there's 0:12:55.320 --> 0:12:57.480 a happy patch in the patch where you had a daughter, 0:12:57.559 --> 0:12:59.960 and then the pature you got married about you got divorced, 0:13:00.160 --> 0:13:03.400 the patch for this happened in this patch of good 0:13:03.440 --> 0:13:06.600 colors and bad colors and happy colors and sad colors. 0:13:06.880 --> 0:13:09.760 This becomes one of the patches. And you have to 0:13:09.920 --> 0:13:12.480 honor that part of your quilt because it's going to 0:13:12.559 --> 0:13:15.760 be there forever and it makes up who you are now. 0:13:15.920 --> 0:13:19.760 So if people don't accept that, and people won't journey 0:13:19.760 --> 0:13:21.760 with you through it and listen and let you talk 0:13:21.800 --> 0:13:25.439 about it as many times as you want to, and 0:13:25.679 --> 0:13:27.719 they really aren't part of your quilt. I can tell 0:13:27.720 --> 0:13:30.920 you that for a fact. When somebody said to me once, 0:13:31.280 --> 0:13:34.120 I'm so sick and tired of herring about Richard, and 0:13:34.200 --> 0:13:38.800 I chose to never speak to that person again, not 0:13:38.920 --> 0:13:40.760 just for the reason that they said it and it 0:13:40.800 --> 0:13:43.320 really pissed me off, but because I just thought it 0:13:43.400 --> 0:13:50.160 was the most horrifically insensitive thing, because it almost was 0:13:50.160 --> 0:13:53.920 said to shame the person, and you're already sensitive to 0:13:53.960 --> 0:13:57.000 it because you're now in this unique group called the 0:13:57.120 --> 0:14:01.520 grievers Club that you know, the secret society that I 0:14:01.520 --> 0:14:04.000 thought it was very very cool when they said this, 0:14:04.080 --> 0:14:06.800 So if anyone doesn't feel like they will sit and 0:14:06.880 --> 0:14:09.280 chat with you and help you with the healing process 0:14:09.280 --> 0:14:12.280 where you get through it and you really. 0:14:12.200 --> 0:14:13.319 Can't have them in your life. 0:14:26.440 --> 0:14:31.160 I think that the grieving process changes everybody for the better, 0:14:32.760 --> 0:14:37.600 and I think that's because you realize that so few 0:14:37.680 --> 0:14:42.840 things are important, so few things are worth you getting 0:14:42.920 --> 0:14:47.440 upset about, that life is really precious, and that you 0:14:47.480 --> 0:14:51.120 get to really when you have suffered loss, you really 0:14:51.280 --> 0:14:55.560 get to understand that it's real, like everybody is going 0:14:55.680 --> 0:14:58.800 to pass away one day. There's there gonna be a 0:14:58.880 --> 0:15:01.160 day you wake up with one you love is not 0:15:01.200 --> 0:15:04.200 going to be there. And if you know this, you 0:15:04.240 --> 0:15:11.880 tend to be more compassionate forgiving understanding. It's very humanizing 0:15:13.640 --> 0:15:15.920 to go through loss and go through grief, and you 0:15:16.080 --> 0:15:19.720 just don't waste your time dealing with a lot of 0:15:19.760 --> 0:15:25.320 bullshit because in that split second when that person leaves you, 0:15:25.640 --> 0:15:27.920 there's no going back, so. 0:15:27.920 --> 0:15:30.400 You better make sure all that. I always say. 0:15:30.480 --> 0:15:33.200 That's why every single day I try to call my parents, 0:15:33.560 --> 0:15:37.440 ever redebting, because if I did call them and the 0:15:37.520 --> 0:15:40.680 next morning something happened, because I know that could happen. 0:15:41.000 --> 0:15:43.240 I always leave things on a good note with people. 0:15:43.280 --> 0:15:45.360 I try to always leave things on a good note 0:15:45.360 --> 0:15:48.240 with it. I love you, I try to acknowledge people. 0:15:48.360 --> 0:15:51.480 I try to see people and see the world because 0:15:52.000 --> 0:15:54.640 you never know, and grief lets you know that you 0:15:54.760 --> 0:15:58.200 are on a timeline and everybody around you is on 0:15:58.280 --> 0:16:02.080 a timeline. So I think there's a much bigger appreciation 0:16:02.880 --> 0:16:07.040 for life and love and things and experiences and seasons. 0:16:07.080 --> 0:16:09.320 I mean, every time a season comes, I think, oh, 0:16:09.600 --> 0:16:11.160 I'm so lucky to see this fall. 0:16:11.520 --> 0:16:15.240 Look at that another Christmas. Oh my god, spring is 0:16:15.280 --> 0:16:18.120 here again, and the flowers are coming up, the rebirth 0:16:18.160 --> 0:16:20.880 of the flowers. So I think you get that bit 0:16:20.920 --> 0:16:25.920 of appreciativeness being a caretaker. I think I'm a natural 0:16:25.920 --> 0:16:29.200 candidate for being a caretaker, So when I took down 0:16:29.240 --> 0:16:33.520 the rule of being the caretaker came very naturally. But 0:16:34.920 --> 0:16:37.840 what it did in the situation of being a caretaker 0:16:37.880 --> 0:16:41.400 for Richard was that now that my parents are older, 0:16:41.600 --> 0:16:43.720 or now that there's situations where I have to deal 0:16:43.800 --> 0:16:47.480 with my parents who are elderly, once you've gone through it, 0:16:47.520 --> 0:16:50.160 the panic is gone, because the fear is the fear 0:16:50.200 --> 0:16:52.600 of the unknown is gone. And I think it's made 0:16:52.640 --> 0:16:57.600 me more calm about dealing with situations and not being 0:16:57.680 --> 0:17:01.640 afraid to deal with the situations, being very honest about them. 0:17:03.080 --> 0:17:05.800 I think that a lot of people go into situations 0:17:06.119 --> 0:17:08.440 and they only want to hear the positiveness of it. 0:17:08.760 --> 0:17:12.399 But I think when you've gone, you've journeyed with someone 0:17:12.560 --> 0:17:17.960 until they move on to the next world, is that 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:22.920 you you get very realistic very fast, because you're put 0:17:22.920 --> 0:17:26.440 in a position to make decisions that are sometimes difficult, 0:17:28.520 --> 0:17:33.080 to witness things that are very difficult, and you know, 0:17:33.160 --> 0:17:36.960 I think when you're once you've been a caretaker, you 0:17:37.160 --> 0:17:43.280 become much more realistic about life and realistic about expectations. 0:17:43.800 --> 0:17:46.360 So and I just think it makes you a little 0:17:46.440 --> 0:17:50.359 more sensitive, you know, makes you much more sensitive to 0:17:50.880 --> 0:17:52.600 and that's everyone at the end of the day is 0:17:52.640 --> 0:17:57.359 the same. Like we go through life thinking, you know, 0:17:57.480 --> 0:18:00.560 this one's this and this one's that, but that at 0:18:00.600 --> 0:18:02.200 the end of the day, when it really comes to 0:18:02.280 --> 0:18:06.920 the end, we're really just all the same. And usually 0:18:06.920 --> 0:18:09.400 it's a you know, I thought, I remember thinking about 0:18:09.480 --> 0:18:10.080 Richard at the end. 0:18:10.080 --> 0:18:13.119 You know, he's in that backless pair of pajamas. And 0:18:13.160 --> 0:18:16.120 I said to the person before they after he'd passed, 0:18:16.160 --> 0:18:17.840 I said, can we just keep his ring on for 0:18:17.880 --> 0:18:19.880 the night, and they said, nope, you can't even keep 0:18:19.920 --> 0:18:22.560 your wedding ring on. I thought, that's really it. We 0:18:22.720 --> 0:18:26.000 come in one way and we leave the same way, So, 0:18:27.080 --> 0:18:31.800 you know, makes you very real, right I say, I 0:18:31.840 --> 0:18:36.640 would say one hundred percent that I appreciate life more 0:18:36.720 --> 0:18:42.040 because of what I went through. It's made me less fearful. 0:18:42.960 --> 0:18:46.959 It's made me much more aware of what this body 0:18:47.000 --> 0:18:48.679 really is, that it's just a body. 0:18:48.840 --> 0:18:52.240 I'm not afraid. I'm not even so afraid of my 0:18:52.520 --> 0:18:54.160 I used to think when I was younger a person, 0:18:54.200 --> 0:18:55.920 Oh my god, I could never deal with my parents leeping. 0:18:55.920 --> 0:18:57.760 I could never deal with it. But now I know 0:18:57.840 --> 0:19:01.199 that they don't leave. I know that this is just 0:19:01.359 --> 0:19:05.600 a like a plant, like I'm I'm in love with 0:19:05.640 --> 0:19:06.560 my parents' soul. 0:19:07.200 --> 0:19:09.920 I'm in love with their hearts. They have instilled such 0:19:10.000 --> 0:19:12.560 love in me. I'm in love with Richard and his soul. 0:19:12.760 --> 0:19:15.680 Richard is just with me now in a different form, 0:19:15.760 --> 0:19:18.080 and I have access to them all the time now, 0:19:18.520 --> 0:19:23.199 So yes, it has has changed me. I don't I 0:19:23.200 --> 0:19:26.480 don't think that they are stuck in some graveyard. I 0:19:26.520 --> 0:19:29.359 don't think that they are stuck. I think they're everywhere now. 0:19:29.440 --> 0:19:34.240 And you have this incredible ability to cumulatively call on them. 0:19:34.320 --> 0:19:37.760 You can call on them. I call them my great grandparents. 0:19:37.840 --> 0:19:40.480 I call them, you know, I can call it anyone 0:19:40.520 --> 0:19:44.119 now because I know that I this is the body 0:19:44.280 --> 0:19:48.879 just leaves, so we forever, forever more have their love 0:19:49.320 --> 0:19:50.800 and you know, and their. 0:19:50.640 --> 0:19:52.240 Soul is around me somewhere. 0:19:52.320 --> 0:19:54.840 So and also I know it sounds corny, but I 0:19:54.880 --> 0:19:58.120 know one day that they'll come get me, like all 0:19:58.160 --> 0:20:01.280 that fear will happen. I'm gonna feel it's gonna I 0:20:01.359 --> 0:20:04.840 know someone's gonna come get me. If it's Richard, my parents, 0:20:05.000 --> 0:20:09.480 my grandparents, all of them together, my past dogs. I'm 0:20:09.480 --> 0:20:12.160 sure they'll all come, I'm sure. Like in life where 0:20:12.160 --> 0:20:14.800 I'm surrounded by people, I really believe it will be 0:20:14.880 --> 0:20:16.840 the same with death. They'll just come and get me 0:20:16.880 --> 0:20:18.879 and say, come on and join the party. You know, 0:20:18.960 --> 0:20:21.399 cocktails a seven. You gotta come with us now. And 0:20:22.800 --> 0:20:24.640 that makes me. That puts me at ease. 0:20:26.040 --> 0:20:28.760 See, lots of people can't let go of material things 0:20:28.760 --> 0:20:31.720 because they have a sentimental attachment. I don't struggle with that. 0:20:31.840 --> 0:20:33.280 I don't. I don't. 0:20:33.640 --> 0:20:36.480 I'm not a person that really gets overly attached to 0:20:36.600 --> 0:20:41.199 sentimental things. You know, maybe a few specific things, like 0:20:41.240 --> 0:20:44.199 I have a picture of Richard that I keep in 0:20:44.200 --> 0:20:47.240 my bedroom here in New York. And but I don't 0:20:47.280 --> 0:20:50.320 believe that if God forbid something happen like the la 0:20:50.440 --> 0:20:52.720 fires and all that, you wouldn't I would feel bad. 0:20:53.359 --> 0:20:58.480 But I think all you need is right here, is 0:20:58.520 --> 0:21:03.000 in your heart. It's great to have sentimental things. They 0:21:03.080 --> 0:21:06.960 serve as reminders. But I'm not someone that gets really 0:21:07.520 --> 0:21:10.200 stuck on all that stuff. I don't get beholden to them. 0:21:10.280 --> 0:21:14.960 You know, I just lost something recently, very important, and 0:21:15.040 --> 0:21:17.320 I just one day woke up and said, it's just 0:21:17.359 --> 0:21:19.960 a thing, you know, I can't get to There's so 0:21:20.040 --> 0:21:22.720 much more that I could lose that's so much more important. 0:21:23.040 --> 0:21:25.000 And I always think when you lose something, you should 0:21:25.000 --> 0:21:29.000 always say, you know, I hope someone really fantastic found 0:21:29.040 --> 0:21:31.840 it and has it and needs it more than I 0:21:31.880 --> 0:21:33.160 needed it, because. 0:21:33.400 --> 0:21:36.800 I have to. I do believe in that. I think 0:21:36.840 --> 0:21:37.480 that life. 0:21:37.920 --> 0:21:40.480 I do believe that you should jump into life like 0:21:40.800 --> 0:21:43.480 a swimming pool, like my swimming pool in the Berkshires. 0:21:43.880 --> 0:21:46.080 I think that it's very important that you should take 0:21:46.119 --> 0:21:52.200 on life, jump in feet first, experience it. Don't say no, 0:21:52.840 --> 0:21:56.040 because when you've been through this and you when you 0:21:56.080 --> 0:21:58.480 do lose someone you love and you do go through 0:21:58.520 --> 0:22:01.840 this period of brief and stuff, you realize the old 0:22:01.880 --> 0:22:05.960 saying's true, life is short and you should be be 0:22:06.160 --> 0:22:09.440 open and not fearful. You should be open to new 0:22:09.480 --> 0:22:15.040 experiences and new people and just jump into that cold 0:22:15.080 --> 0:22:18.760 water feet first. Come from a place of yes, you 0:22:18.920 --> 0:22:22.040 never know who you're gonna meet. Don't be too hung 0:22:22.119 --> 0:22:25.680 up about what happened yesterday. Certainly, don't get too hung 0:22:25.760 --> 0:22:27.920 up of what was going to happen tomorrow, because God 0:22:28.000 --> 0:22:30.600 knows that could all change in a second, and just 0:22:30.760 --> 0:22:35.320 embrace this beautiful short time that we have on earth. 0:22:36.560 --> 0:22:40.600 Yeah, like jumping into too a cold pool feet first. 0:22:41.119 --> 0:22:45.480 So I want to just say a couple other things 0:22:45.480 --> 0:22:47.240 that I want to read, something that I send to 0:22:47.280 --> 0:22:48.160 everybody that. 0:22:49.560 --> 0:22:53.080 Stuff yourself. I just want to say, give yourself for 0:22:53.160 --> 0:22:54.720 those of you that are. 0:22:54.560 --> 0:22:59.720 Going through the process and of battling with an illness, 0:23:00.200 --> 0:23:02.960