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Speaker 1: This is Let's Be Clear with Shannon Dorny.

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Speaker 2: Hi, Let's be clear listeners. I am so honored to

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Speaker 2: be here today. My name is Drenda medlady, and you

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Speaker 2: probably know me from the Bravo World, The Real Health

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Speaker 2: Face in New York City, Ultimate Girls Trip, and of

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Speaker 2: course now Traders, and I feel very honored to be

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Speaker 2: hosting this episode of Let's Be Clear. I never had

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Speaker 2: the opportunity to meet Shannon Dorty, but I know that

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Speaker 2: she was an incredible actress. I was a huge fan,

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Speaker 2: as was many and I thought it was amazing the

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Speaker 2: way she was able to talk about her journey with

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Speaker 2: the battling cancer and share it and help other people

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Speaker 2: that are going through something similar, any sort of you know,

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Speaker 2: death or grief or battling any kind of illness. And

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Speaker 2: I thought, like so many people that have gone through this,

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Speaker 2: it was important for me to come on and talk

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Speaker 2: about my journey with dealing with the loss of someone

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Speaker 2: you love through sickness and just talk about grief a

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Speaker 2: little bit, and how do we manage grief and is

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Speaker 2: grief something that we should talk about?

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Speaker 1: Is grief? Is grief a dirty word?

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Speaker 2: I felt a little bit like that after Richard passed,

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Speaker 2: I felt like I was embarrassed or ashamed or kind

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Speaker 2: of had to keep it to myself. And I really

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Speaker 2: love the fact that when I was able to have

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Speaker 2: a moment with Carol on the show and we both

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Speaker 2: had this similar experience of losing a partner and a husband,

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Speaker 2: that it just opened up such a beautiful conversation with

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Speaker 2: the world, and I just thought the response was incredible.

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Speaker 2: So for me, I believe grief is something that you

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Speaker 2: sadly have to become friends with. It's one friend that

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Speaker 2: you're going to visit at some point in your life.

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Speaker 2: No one gets away from it, the loss of a

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Speaker 2: family member, were a partner, a pet, any loved ones.

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Speaker 1: Grief is gonna come to.

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Speaker 2: You one day and you're gonna have to deal take

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Speaker 2: that journey and learn how to deal with it and

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Speaker 2: talk about it and get comfortable with it and try

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Speaker 2: to understand it, and if you're lucky, find others that

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Speaker 2: you can share the experience with.

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Speaker 1: So I think that it's important.

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Speaker 2: In psychology, they talk about the five stages of briefing, denial, angle, bargaining, depression,

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Speaker 2: and acceptance. And I really do think, you know, I

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Speaker 2: didn't do a ton of therapy after Richard passed. I

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Speaker 2: did a lot of my therapy on the journey. While

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Speaker 2: he was passing. I had a lot of very honest

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Speaker 2: conversations with Richard, which I think is very important. I

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Speaker 2: think the best thing you can do when you are

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Speaker 2: in the midst of being and shepherding someone to the

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Speaker 2: end of their life is that you have to be

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Speaker 2: uncomfortably honest with each other. You know, you can't let

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Speaker 2: fear take over, and you can't let and you can't

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Speaker 2: be in denial over the inevitable, because it gives both

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Speaker 2: parties peace and being Richard's caretaker till the end, you know,

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Speaker 2: I felt like I had a lot of closure and

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Speaker 2: I did a lot of the work that I needed

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Speaker 2: to do to then prepare myself for the grieving part

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Speaker 2: of him no longer being part of me. So I

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Speaker 2: do think that when you are dealing with someone that's

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Speaker 2: ill and go, you know, not going to make it,

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Speaker 2: that you have to have some very honest conversations and

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Speaker 2: it puts both parties at peace. And it really is

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Speaker 2: a beautiful thing. Because I once told someone that I think,

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Speaker 2: beside you know, being intimate with Richard physically, the most

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Speaker 2: intimate thing I had with Richard was our conversations doing

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Speaker 2: his journey, you know, to the other side. So they

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Speaker 2: were just so one on one, so intense, so real,

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Speaker 2: with no outdoor outside noise. So I would urge anybody

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Speaker 2: that is going through this process of dealing with someone

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Speaker 2: or being with someone that's ill, and to converse with them,

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Speaker 2: ask questions, talk about their wants and needs, talk about

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Speaker 2: your wants and needs, you know, the caretaker. I would say,

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Speaker 2: when someone's dying, you're kind of you know, when someone's

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Speaker 2: sick and dying, you get sick too. Because it's very intense.

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Speaker 2: It's very intense, and not to be underrated. I think

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Speaker 2: the most challenging stage was the not knowing when it

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Speaker 2: was going to happen, knowing it was going to happen,

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Speaker 2: understanding that my husband wasn't going to get better, but

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Speaker 2: there was no timeline, so days and nights and weeks

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Speaker 2: just kind of ran into each other. And what happens

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Speaker 2: is because you're going through this, you don't have any

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Speaker 2: time for the outside world because it's all consuming.

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Speaker 1: So your world gets very.

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Speaker 2: Small, gets very organized, gets very focused, and the only

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Speaker 2: things I could focus on, we're getting up getting to Richard,

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Speaker 2: taking care of him and getting back home and taking

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Speaker 2: care of my daughter. And you know, I didn't have

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Speaker 2: time for frivolity. I really didn't have time for fun.

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Speaker 2: Not that it wasn't there, and not that people didn't

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Speaker 2: reach out, but you get into such a mindset and

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Speaker 2: such a focus to make sure that you can because

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Speaker 2: you never know when it's gonna happen. So that's very frustrating,

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Speaker 2: I think for a caretaker, because each day is on repeat,

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Speaker 2: rinch wash repeat, rinch wash repeat. So I thought this

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Speaker 2: the journeying with him, you know, everybody gets very tired,

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Speaker 2: and I don't think you should be embarrassed as a

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Speaker 2: caretaker say I'm tired and I don't want to do

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Speaker 2: this anymore, and and like when is this.

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Speaker 1: Going to happen? And I know that sounds terrible, but

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Speaker 1: it's part of it.

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Speaker 2: You know, we want caretakers and we want people in

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Speaker 2: grief to be one certain way. There's sort of a

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Speaker 2: description about how you must be or what it must

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Speaker 2: look like, or how you must react and when you

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Speaker 2: must start dating, and there's not there's no rule book

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Speaker 2: for this. You don't understand it till you're in it

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Speaker 2: and you don't know how to deal with it till

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Speaker 2: you're in it. And for each person it's an individual experience.

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Speaker 2: So that's what I would say about that. Here is

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Speaker 2: the good news and the bad news about a major

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Speaker 2: loss in your life. The bad news is very clear

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Speaker 2: what it is. You lose someone you love it and

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Speaker 2: for me it was really the first time besides grandparents

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Speaker 2: and things that were sort of a natural step of

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Speaker 2: a journey of becoming an adult. You know, you lose

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Speaker 2: your grandparents, it's very sad, but you'd understand it and

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Speaker 2: you move on.

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Speaker 1: But when you lose someone suddenly, and you lose someone

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Speaker 1: you very deeply, you love, very deeply, it changes you forever.

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Speaker 1: It's a scar, it's a definite scar, and you are like, wow,

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Speaker 1: the world looks different now, like this really does happen.

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Speaker 1: And you don't get a lot of time.

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Speaker 2: You know, they if they pass on a Thursday, your

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Speaker 2: Thursday night is when your new life starts, your new

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Speaker 2: world starts. And there's a lot of first after someone

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Speaker 2: dies that you just are so jarring. Like when you

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Speaker 2: wake up it's the first time you know that you

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Speaker 2: wake up alone.

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Speaker 1: It's the first.

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Speaker 2: Time you realize you're not gonna have coffee with them again.

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Speaker 2: It's the first time where you look at their clothes

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Speaker 2: in the closet and realize they're never going to be

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Speaker 2: warned again. It's the first time you're thinking about paying bills.

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Speaker 2: Everything becomes a first because now it's just you. So

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Speaker 2: I think that is really an amazing thing. I mean,

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Speaker 2: and it takes a long time. Grief takes a long time.

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Speaker 2: I was to someone yesterday they said, you know, one

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Speaker 2: of the biggest questions I get about grief is how

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Speaker 2: long does it take?

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Speaker 1: Like when will I feel better? And my answer to

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Speaker 1: that always is is that grief never goes away. It

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Speaker 1: just doesn't. It's you know, it's so big.

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Speaker 2: In the beginning, it's so overwhelming, and it just like

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Speaker 2: blocks out everything else. But over time, as you kind

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Speaker 2: of do the obvious things of you know, rearranging how

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Speaker 2: your living space and get start to go out more

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Speaker 2: and meet new people. And I think a lot of

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Speaker 2: times I found this that a lot of times people

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Speaker 2: don't end up hanging around with the same people they

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Speaker 2: did before. Sometimes it's just too painful. You know, when

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Speaker 2: you were once a couple, you're now as single and

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Speaker 2: it's easier to just go out and sort of recreate yourself.

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Speaker 2: You know, not that your family and your really close

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Speaker 2: friends don't stay close, but you sort of create a

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Speaker 2: new world and you start to slow. You have to

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Speaker 2: go inward before you go outward. It's almost like you

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Speaker 2: have to become a plant that has to you know,

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Speaker 2: recede themselves back in the soil, and you come out

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Speaker 2: a different flower a little bit, and you you know,

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Speaker 2: you start to have new experiences, new first new, first

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Speaker 2: time going on a holiday together, and you start to

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Speaker 2: realize it's not so bad, and you start to have

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Speaker 2: big all kinds of people around you. And you know,

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Speaker 2: for me, I started doing television and that opened up

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Speaker 2: a big world.

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Speaker 1: So it's not that the grief went away.

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Speaker 2: It's that I started to get bigger and bigger, so

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Speaker 2: the grief became a little less. But there are always

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Speaker 2: trick rea moments, and you know, I have them a

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Speaker 2: lot because I feel like I'm very connected. I mean,

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Speaker 2: of course the holidays.

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Speaker 1: You always feel these trickery moments when you visit them

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Speaker 1: where you think they're resting, you know, in the rest place.

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Speaker 1: For me, I go visit Richard at his gravesite, or

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Speaker 1: when you just have a moment with a smell or

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Speaker 1: a song or something comes in there, the immediate hensity

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Speaker 1: waves back into you for a moment. But each time

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Speaker 1: that happens, it gets it goes from being overwhelmingly terrible

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Speaker 1: to a gift. And I did say to someone that,

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Speaker 1: you know, grief is kind of a gift because you

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Speaker 1: until you experienced grief and go through it, you know,

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Speaker 1: you don't realize that you really were so connected to

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Speaker 1: someone and you had this love so much for this

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Speaker 1: person and this devotion, and you watched him journey through

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Speaker 1: his whole life. You were privy to that moment in

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Speaker 1: his life when.

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Speaker 2: He left this earth that you know, it's a beautiful

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Speaker 2: gift to have to have had that, because without that

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Speaker 2: much love and without that much devotion, and with that

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Speaker 2: much knowledge of knowing that you know, things do come

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Speaker 2: to an end, you can't be so appreciative. I'm so appreciative,

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Speaker 2: I'm more. I'm not more, or I'm just as much

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Speaker 2: appreciative of the life that I had with Richard and

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Speaker 2: the love I had with Richard.

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Speaker 1: Like it was, it just was. It was an amazing thing.

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Speaker 2: So to experience this grief and to know it's because

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Speaker 2: a byproduct of something incredibly beautiful, wouldn't I wouldn't trade

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Speaker 2: it again. I was someone said you could do it

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Speaker 2: all over again, but it wasn't Richard. You married someone else,

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Speaker 2: but they lived. I'll be honest with you, I don't know.

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Speaker 2: I'd probably do it all over again with Richard because

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Speaker 2: he lives with me forever. Going back to like I said,

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Speaker 2: the grief, I don't think ever really goes away. You know,

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Speaker 2: it doesn't work like that. It's a it's like love

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Speaker 2: doesn't ever go away. Love is just forever, right, So

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Speaker 2: grief doesn't go away. But I think, you know, there's

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Speaker 2: a lot of weirdness around grief. There's a lot of

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Speaker 2: uncomfortableness for people. I don't know if it's if it

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Speaker 2: taps into their mortality. So you know, a lot of

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Speaker 2: people try to just work through it. They try to

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Speaker 2: just like not deal with it by dealing with it.

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Speaker 2: And what I mean by that talking about it, feeling it,

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Speaker 2: sharing it, and the people around you that aren't willing

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Speaker 2: to journey with you, to do that as much as

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Speaker 2: they would journey with you in a love affair, they

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Speaker 2: have to journey with you here, and it's a really

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Speaker 2: great time in your life to realize who really is

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Speaker 2: part of your tribe, who really loves you, who really

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Speaker 2: is going to stick by you, because you do have

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Speaker 2: to journey through it.

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Speaker 1: You don't get over it.

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Speaker 2: It's not like a you know, a headache or a

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Speaker 2: broken ankle.

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Speaker 1: It's part of the fabric of your life.

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Speaker 2: Now. If your life is a quilt and there's all

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Speaker 2: kinds of different patches in the quilt, you know, there's

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Speaker 2: a happy patch in the patch where you had a daughter,

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Speaker 2: and then the pature you got married about you got divorced,

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Speaker 2: the patch for this happened in this patch of good

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Speaker 2: colors and bad colors and happy colors and sad colors.

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Speaker 2: This becomes one of the patches. And you have to

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Speaker 2: honor that part of your quilt because it's going to

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Speaker 2: be there forever and it makes up who you are now.

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Speaker 2: So if people don't accept that, and people won't journey

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Speaker 2: with you through it and listen and let you talk

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Speaker 2: about it as many times as you want to, and

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Speaker 2: they really aren't part of your quilt. I can tell

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Speaker 2: you that for a fact. When somebody said to me once,

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Speaker 2: I'm so sick and tired of herring about Richard, and

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Speaker 2: I chose to never speak to that person again, not

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Speaker 2: just for the reason that they said it and it

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Speaker 2: really pissed me off, but because I just thought it

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Speaker 2: was the most horrifically insensitive thing, because it almost was

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Speaker 2: said to shame the person, and you're already sensitive to

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Speaker 2: it because you're now in this unique group called the

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Speaker 2: grievers Club that you know, the secret society that I

247
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:04,000
Speaker 2: thought it was very very cool when they said this,

248
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Speaker 2: So if anyone doesn't feel like they will sit and

249
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Speaker 2: chat with you and help you with the healing process

250
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Speaker 2: where you get through it and you really.

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Speaker 1: Can't have them in your life.

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Speaker 2: I think that the grieving process changes everybody for the better,

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Speaker 2: and I think that's because you realize that so few

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Speaker 2: things are important, so few things are worth you getting

255
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Speaker 2: upset about, that life is really precious, and that you

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Speaker 2: get to really when you have suffered loss, you really

257
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Speaker 2: get to understand that it's real, like everybody is going

258
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Speaker 2: to pass away one day. There's there gonna be a

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Speaker 2: day you wake up with one you love is not

260
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Speaker 2: going to be there. And if you know this, you

261
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:11,880
Speaker 2: tend to be more compassionate forgiving understanding. It's very humanizing

262
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Speaker 2: to go through loss and go through grief, and you

263
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Speaker 2: just don't waste your time dealing with a lot of

264
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Speaker 2: bullshit because in that split second when that person leaves you,

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Speaker 2: there's no going back, so.

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Speaker 1: You better make sure all that. I always say.

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Speaker 2: That's why every single day I try to call my parents,

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Speaker 2: ever redebting, because if I did call them and the

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Speaker 2: next morning something happened, because I know that could happen.

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Speaker 2: I always leave things on a good note with people.

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Speaker 2: I try to always leave things on a good note

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Speaker 2: with it. I love you, I try to acknowledge people.

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Speaker 2: I try to see people and see the world because

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Speaker 2: you never know, and grief lets you know that you

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Speaker 2: are on a timeline and everybody around you is on

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Speaker 2: a timeline. So I think there's a much bigger appreciation

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Speaker 2: for life and love and things and experiences and seasons.

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Speaker 2: I mean, every time a season comes, I think, oh,

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Speaker 2: I'm so lucky to see this fall.

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Speaker 1: Look at that another Christmas. Oh my god, spring is

281
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Speaker 1: here again, and the flowers are coming up, the rebirth

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Speaker 1: of the flowers. So I think you get that bit

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Speaker 1: of appreciativeness being a caretaker. I think I'm a natural

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Speaker 1: candidate for being a caretaker, So when I took down

285
00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:33,520
Speaker 1: the rule of being the caretaker came very naturally. But

286
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Speaker 1: what it did in the situation of being a caretaker

287
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Speaker 1: for Richard was that now that my parents are older,

288
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Speaker 1: or now that there's situations where I have to deal

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Speaker 1: with my parents who are elderly, once you've gone through it,

290
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Speaker 1: the panic is gone, because the fear is the fear

291
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Speaker 1: of the unknown is gone. And I think it's made

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Speaker 1: me more calm about dealing with situations and not being

293
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Speaker 1: afraid to deal with the situations, being very honest about them.

294
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Speaker 2: I think that a lot of people go into situations

295
00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:08,440
Speaker 2: and they only want to hear the positiveness of it.

296
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Speaker 2: But I think when you've gone, you've journeyed with someone

297
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Speaker 2: until they move on to the next world, is that

298
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:22,920
Speaker 2: you you get very realistic very fast, because you're put

299
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Speaker 2: in a position to make decisions that are sometimes difficult,

300
00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:33,080
Speaker 2: to witness things that are very difficult, and you know,

301
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:36,960
Speaker 2: I think when you're once you've been a caretaker, you

302
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:43,280
Speaker 2: become much more realistic about life and realistic about expectations.

303
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Speaker 2: So and I just think it makes you a little

304
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:50,359
Speaker 2: more sensitive, you know, makes you much more sensitive to

305
00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:52,600
Speaker 2: and that's everyone at the end of the day is

306
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:57,359
Speaker 2: the same. Like we go through life thinking, you know,

307
00:17:57,480 --> 00:18:00,560
Speaker 2: this one's this and this one's that, but that at

308
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Speaker 2: the end of the day, when it really comes to

309
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:06,920
Speaker 2: the end, we're really just all the same. And usually

310
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Speaker 2: it's a you know, I thought, I remember thinking about

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Speaker 2: Richard at the end.

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Speaker 1: You know, he's in that backless pair of pajamas. And

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Speaker 1: I said to the person before they after he'd passed,

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Speaker 1: I said, can we just keep his ring on for

315
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Speaker 1: the night, and they said, nope, you can't even keep

316
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Speaker 1: your wedding ring on. I thought, that's really it. We

317
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:26,000
Speaker 1: come in one way and we leave the same way, So,

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Speaker 1: you know, makes you very real, right I say, I

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Speaker 1: would say one hundred percent that I appreciate life more

320
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Speaker 1: because of what I went through. It's made me less fearful.

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Speaker 1: It's made me much more aware of what this body

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Speaker 1: really is, that it's just a body.

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Speaker 2: I'm not afraid. I'm not even so afraid of my

324
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Speaker 2: I used to think when I was younger a person,

325
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Speaker 2: Oh my god, I could never deal with my parents leeping.

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Speaker 2: I could never deal with it. But now I know

327
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Speaker 2: that they don't leave. I know that this is just

328
00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:05,600
Speaker 2: a like a plant, like I'm I'm in love with

329
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:06,560
Speaker 2: my parents' soul.

330
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Speaker 1: I'm in love with their hearts. They have instilled such

331
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,560
Speaker 1: love in me. I'm in love with Richard and his soul.

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Speaker 2: Richard is just with me now in a different form,

333
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:18,080
Speaker 2: and I have access to them all the time now,

334
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:23,199
Speaker 2: So yes, it has has changed me. I don't I

335
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:26,480
Speaker 2: don't think that they are stuck in some graveyard. I

336
00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:29,359
Speaker 2: don't think that they are stuck. I think they're everywhere now.

337
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:34,240
Speaker 2: And you have this incredible ability to cumulatively call on them.

338
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Speaker 1: You can call on them. I call them my great grandparents.

339
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:40,480
Speaker 2: I call them, you know, I can call it anyone

340
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:44,119
Speaker 2: now because I know that I this is the body

341
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:48,879
Speaker 2: just leaves, so we forever, forever more have their love

342
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:50,800
Speaker 2: and you know, and their.

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Speaker 1: Soul is around me somewhere.

344
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Speaker 2: So and also I know it sounds corny, but I

345
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:58,120
Speaker 2: know one day that they'll come get me, like all

346
00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:01,280
Speaker 2: that fear will happen. I'm gonna feel it's gonna I

347
00:20:01,359 --> 00:20:04,840
Speaker 2: know someone's gonna come get me. If it's Richard, my parents,

348
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:09,480
Speaker 2: my grandparents, all of them together, my past dogs. I'm

349
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:12,160
Speaker 2: sure they'll all come, I'm sure. Like in life where

350
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,800
Speaker 2: I'm surrounded by people, I really believe it will be

351
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:16,840
Speaker 2: the same with death. They'll just come and get me

352
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:18,879
Speaker 2: and say, come on and join the party. You know,

353
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,399
Speaker 2: cocktails a seven. You gotta come with us now. And

354
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,640
Speaker 2: that makes me. That puts me at ease.

355
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,760
Speaker 1: See, lots of people can't let go of material things

356
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,720
Speaker 1: because they have a sentimental attachment. I don't struggle with that.

357
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:33,280
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't.

358
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:36,480
Speaker 2: I'm not a person that really gets overly attached to

359
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:41,199
Speaker 2: sentimental things. You know, maybe a few specific things, like

360
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,199
Speaker 2: I have a picture of Richard that I keep in

361
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:47,240
Speaker 2: my bedroom here in New York. And but I don't

362
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:50,320
Speaker 2: believe that if God forbid something happen like the la

363
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,720
Speaker 2: fires and all that, you wouldn't I would feel bad.

364
00:20:53,359 --> 00:20:58,480
Speaker 2: But I think all you need is right here, is

365
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:03,000
Speaker 2: in your heart. It's great to have sentimental things. They

366
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,960
Speaker 2: serve as reminders. But I'm not someone that gets really

367
00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:10,200
Speaker 2: stuck on all that stuff. I don't get beholden to them.

368
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:14,960
Speaker 2: You know, I just lost something recently, very important, and

369
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,320
Speaker 2: I just one day woke up and said, it's just

370
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:19,960
Speaker 2: a thing, you know, I can't get to There's so

371
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:22,720
Speaker 2: much more that I could lose that's so much more important.

372
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,000
Speaker 2: And I always think when you lose something, you should

373
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:29,000
Speaker 2: always say, you know, I hope someone really fantastic found

374
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:31,840
Speaker 2: it and has it and needs it more than I

375
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:33,160
Speaker 2: needed it, because.

376
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Speaker 1: I have to. I do believe in that. I think

377
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:37,480
Speaker 1: that life.

378
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,480
Speaker 2: I do believe that you should jump into life like

379
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,480
Speaker 2: a swimming pool, like my swimming pool in the Berkshires.

380
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:46,080
Speaker 2: I think that it's very important that you should take

381
00:21:46,119 --> 00:21:52,200
Speaker 2: on life, jump in feet first, experience it. Don't say no,

382
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:56,040
Speaker 2: because when you've been through this and you when you

383
00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:58,480
Speaker 2: do lose someone you love and you do go through

384
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:01,840
Speaker 2: this period of brief and stuff, you realize the old

385
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:05,960
Speaker 2: saying's true, life is short and you should be be

386
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:09,440
Speaker 2: open and not fearful. You should be open to new

387
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:15,040
Speaker 2: experiences and new people and just jump into that cold

388
00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:18,760
Speaker 2: water feet first. Come from a place of yes, you

389
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:22,040
Speaker 2: never know who you're gonna meet. Don't be too hung

390
00:22:22,119 --> 00:22:25,680
Speaker 2: up about what happened yesterday. Certainly, don't get too hung

391
00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:27,920
Speaker 2: up of what was going to happen tomorrow, because God

392
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,600
Speaker 2: knows that could all change in a second, and just

393
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:35,320
Speaker 2: embrace this beautiful short time that we have on earth.

394
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:40,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, like jumping into too a cold pool feet first.

395
00:22:41,119 --> 00:22:45,480
Speaker 2: So I want to just say a couple other things

396
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:47,240
Speaker 2: that I want to read, something that I send to

397
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:48,160
Speaker 2: everybody that.

398
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:53,080
Speaker 1: Stuff yourself. I just want to say, give yourself for

399
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:54,720
Speaker 1: those of you that are.

400
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:59,720
Speaker 2: Going through the process and of battling with an illness,

401
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:02,960
Speaker 2: for those of you taking care of someone that's battling,

402
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:07,720
Speaker 2: for those of you that have lost someone you know,

403
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:13,880
Speaker 2: be very kind to yourself. Surround yourself with really good people.

404
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:17,480
Speaker 2: Stay healthy, because I think there's a tendency to get

405
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:21,719
Speaker 2: for the caretaker, it's a tendency to get sick and

406
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:22,680
Speaker 2: get tired out.

407
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:25,440
Speaker 1: Make sure you take care of yourself. Make still sure

408
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:28,680
Speaker 1: you still do stuff for yourself, Make sure you get sleep,

409
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:34,760
Speaker 1: Try to be engaged with your family. For those that

410
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:38,560
Speaker 1: have suffered lost and are going through grief, be gentle

411
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:44,040
Speaker 1: with yourself because it takes a minute and there's no

412
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:49,639
Speaker 1: right or wrong way. You know, feel free to cry,

413
00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:54,359
Speaker 1: Feel free to talk to them, Feel free to be

414
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:57,760
Speaker 1: angry if you need to, if you want to, if

415
00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:01,160
Speaker 1: you feel it's important for you, go speak to a professional.

416
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:05,719
Speaker 2: I always think that's great. Surround yourself by loving people.

417
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:09,679
Speaker 2: Keep your life. You know, it's kind of simple for

418
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:13,200
Speaker 2: a while while you're refiguring out this new thing called

419
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:18,520
Speaker 2: a life without this person. But most of all, be

420
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:22,560
Speaker 2: kind to yourself and allow yourself to go through the process.

421
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:26,960
Speaker 2: And I promise you, I promise you it does. It's

422
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,640
Speaker 2: like it's a wild thing. You know, it's like a

423
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:33,920
Speaker 2: wild storm that's so crazy, and you just can't see

424
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,320
Speaker 2: through the storm and you don't know which way to turn,

425
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,840
Speaker 2: and you can't see life behind it. And then you know,

426
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:41,760
Speaker 2: you wake up and the storm is stopped, and maybe

427
00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:44,639
Speaker 2: it's still raining. But then you wake up and then

428
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:48,320
Speaker 2: there's no rain, and then you wake up and you

429
00:24:48,359 --> 00:24:50,800
Speaker 2: know it's a little bit sunny. And then you wake

430
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,359
Speaker 2: up and it's maybe even a lot of bit sunny,

431
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:56,520
Speaker 2: and you find yourself. I remember about six four months

432
00:24:56,560 --> 00:25:00,639
Speaker 2: after Richard passed, I was somewhere I would say this

433
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:03,520
Speaker 2: to someone, allow yourself to do this. I was somewhere

434
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:05,600
Speaker 2: and I ran into someone on the street and they

435
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:10,119
Speaker 2: told me something and I started laughing, and I remember thinking,

436
00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:14,639
Speaker 2: you can't bus like that's not part of the thing anymore,

437
00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:17,840
Speaker 2: Like you've got to and you can you can start

438
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:23,200
Speaker 2: laughing and loving and dating and doing whatever you want

439
00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:25,920
Speaker 2: to do or need to do to get through this grief.

440
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:27,560
Speaker 2: And I don't care if it's a day later, a

441
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:30,240
Speaker 2: week later, a month later, a year later. This is

442
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:34,680
Speaker 2: your journey. It's no one else's business. No one should

443
00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:38,960
Speaker 2: have an opinion about it unless they are there to

444
00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:41,800
Speaker 2: shepherd you through the whole thing. They can't make decisions

445
00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:44,480
Speaker 2: about who you want to see, who you want to date.

446
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:48,399
Speaker 2: Just do whatever it takes to make you happy and

447
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:51,199
Speaker 2: get through it because people will have a lot of

448
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:53,879
Speaker 2: opinion with very little application.

449
00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:58,199
Speaker 1: So that's don't want to say about that. But I

450
00:25:58,240 --> 00:25:59,720
Speaker 1: just want to read this poem now.

451
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:02,919
Speaker 2: I this palm I haven't actually laminated up in the

452
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:06,439
Speaker 2: Berkshire in cards, and I send it to people and

453
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:09,040
Speaker 2: you can use it or not use it. But let's

454
00:26:09,119 --> 00:26:10,760
Speaker 2: let me just say that it's one of my favorite

455
00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:13,119
Speaker 2: poems ever. Someone gave it to me after Richard passed,

456
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:17,320
Speaker 2: actually one of Richard's friend's oldest friends in Washington. It's

457
00:26:17,359 --> 00:26:21,879
Speaker 2: by Henry Scott holland was written in eighteen forty seven.

458
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:25,600
Speaker 2: Death is nothing at all. It does not count. I

459
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:29,120
Speaker 2: have only slipped away into the next room. Nothing has happened.

460
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:34,440
Speaker 2: Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I, and

461
00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:36,800
Speaker 2: you are you, and the old life that we live

462
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:41,960
Speaker 2: so fondly together is untouched and unchanged. Whatever we were

463
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:45,879
Speaker 2: to each other that we are still are. Call me

464
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:49,560
Speaker 2: by my old familiar name. Speak of me in the

465
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:53,399
Speaker 2: easy way which you always used. Put no difference in

466
00:26:53,440 --> 00:27:00,440
Speaker 2: your tone, where no furforced air, solemnity or sorrow, as

467
00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:05,840
Speaker 2: we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. Play, smile,

468
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:10,200
Speaker 2: think of me, Pray for me. Let it be spoken

469
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:14,440
Speaker 2: without an effort, without the ghost of the shadow upon it.

470
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:18,480
Speaker 2: Life means all it is ever meant to each of us.

471
00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:22,359
Speaker 2: It is the same as it ever was. There is

472
00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:28,680
Speaker 2: absolute and unspoken continuity. What is this death but a

473
00:27:29,359 --> 00:27:31,120
Speaker 2: negligible accident.

474
00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:33,960
Speaker 1: Why should I be out of your mind because I

475
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:37,280
Speaker 1: am out of your sight. I am but here waiting

476
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:41,159
Speaker 1: for you for an interval, somewhere very now near, just

477
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:44,760
Speaker 1: round the corner in the other room, and all as well.

478
00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:48,240
Speaker 1: So that's what I think.

479
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:53,320
Speaker 2: Everyone I loved, everyone I lost, They're just around the

480
00:27:53,359 --> 00:27:56,120
Speaker 2: corner in the other room. And that's all I want

481
00:27:56,119 --> 00:27:58,119
Speaker 2: to say about that. Thank you for having me today.

482
00:27:59,359 --> 00:28:02,280
Speaker 2: It was such an honor to be here to all

483
00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:06,240
Speaker 2: the let's be clear listeners, stay strong and stay healthy

484
00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:07,680
Speaker 2: and stay loving.

485
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:10,600
Speaker 1: I'm during the methi and that's what I have to

486
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:12,960
Speaker 1: say about that. M M