Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, or welcome back to
Speaker 1: the show. Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners,
Speaker 1: or wherever you are in the world, it is so
Speaker 1: great to have you here. Back for another episode. As
Speaker 1: we of course dive into the psychology of our twenties today,
Speaker 1: let's cut to the chase we're going to be talking
Speaker 1: about crying. It might seem a little bit insignificant to
Speaker 1: be devoting a whole episode to this. It might seem
Speaker 1: a bit strange when it comes to our twenties. I
Speaker 1: think that a lot of us try to avoid crying,
Speaker 1: but sometimes they're no better feeling than just having a
Speaker 1: solid moment to let yourself be in pain, to experience
Speaker 1: a little bit of self pity, and to let it
Speaker 1: all out through tears. And sometimes nothing feels more frustrating
Speaker 1: than wanting so badly to cry and have that physical
Speaker 1: outlet for your emotions and being unable to. It can
Speaker 1: feel like something within us is blocked, something about us
Speaker 1: is defective or faulty because we're not feeling things deeply
Speaker 1: enough or to the point where we can let it
Speaker 1: all out and have this like physical expression of what
Speaker 1: is occurring internally, and I really get that it can
Speaker 1: leave us with a lot of I think, frustration and
Speaker 1: almost like anger at ourselves and just this like longing
Speaker 1: for a good old fashioned sob. The truth of the
Speaker 1: matter is our twenties are really freaking hard. Being human
Speaker 1: is hard. Life is hard. We are all going to
Speaker 1: go through difficult moments and times in our lives where
Speaker 1: we lose people, we're frustrated by life, we're having a
Speaker 1: really rough time at work, our boss is an asshole.
Speaker 1: And being able to release all that stress, that grief,
Speaker 1: that anger, that sadness is one of the good parts
Speaker 1: about being human and having that huge catalog of emotional
Speaker 1: expressions and ability to feel emotions. When we feel it
Speaker 1: detached from that ability, and it happens every now and again,
Speaker 1: we I think feel almost under control, under the control
Speaker 1: of our emotions, and we feel like there is this
Speaker 1: pent up energy inside of us that has nowhere to
Speaker 1: go but up and into our brain and cause us
Speaker 1: more stress and more fear and more anxiety and tears
Speaker 1: serve a purpose. Sometimes they serve as an outlet. There
Speaker 1: is nothing better. So for anyone who is feeling a
Speaker 1: little bit emotionally repressed at the moment, who was finding
Speaker 1: that they can't even cry in the moments, they want
Speaker 1: nothing more than That's what we're going to discuss today.
Speaker 2: We're going to examine some of the reasons psychology and
Speaker 2: science tells us we need to cry, why we can't cry,
Speaker 2: from emotional suppression to medications or shock, and how we
Speaker 2: can get back in touch with our big emotions rather
Speaker 2: than being scared of them. So let us get into
Speaker 2: it to start off with why do we actually need
Speaker 2: to cry? Obviously, if we can do it, evolution tells
Speaker 2: us that it must have served a purpose. Before we
Speaker 2: talk about that, let's just briefly mention some of the
Speaker 2: anatomy for a second. Each of us is born with
Speaker 2: two tear ducts in each of our eyes, and they
Speaker 2: have two openings, one on the upper eyelid, one on
Speaker 2: the like in the inner eyelid. We all you know
Speaker 2: what I'm talking about. Close to the bridge of the notes. Now,
Speaker 2: crying doesn't just occur for emotional reasons. There are actually
Speaker 2: three different types of tears. We have basil tears, reflex tears,
Speaker 2: and emotional tears. Basil tears they wash away dirt and
Speaker 2: gems and yucky things, keeping us from getting an infection,
Speaker 2: going blind, that kind of thing. Reflex tiars are what
Speaker 2: occur when something harmful gets in our eye, like a
Speaker 2: bug or when we're cutting onion. It's responsive to something
Speaker 2: coming from the environment. And then finally we have emotional tears.
Speaker 2: Emotional tears are a lot more complicated than basil and
Speaker 2: reflex tiers, which I'm sure we kind of all assumed
Speaker 2: at this point. But the thing about emotional tears is
Speaker 2: that they are not automatic. In order to cry, our
Speaker 2: limbic system, the part of our brain that regulates our emotions.
Speaker 2: That part of our brain has to be activated and
Speaker 2: send signals to our glands to produce tears, and in
Speaker 2: those tears contains a bunch of other proteins and hormones
Speaker 2: that we don't find in our everyday basil or reflex tiars,
Speaker 2: things like potassium prolactin, which also helps us produce milk,
Speaker 2: and finally the big one, stress hormones like cortisol. This
Speaker 2: is probably our first clue that we're dealing with something
Speaker 2: a little bit bigger when we need to cry. It's
Speaker 2: a lot more psychological than just physical. That's because most
Speaker 2: evolutionary researchers will tell you that crying serves a purpose. Actually,
Speaker 2: it serves a number of important functions that all have
Speaker 2: something to do with how we feel emotion and how
Speaker 2: we connect to others through mental, physical, and emotional expressions
Speaker 2: of pain. So firstly, when you are an emotional physical pain,
Speaker 2: crying can actually make you feel really good. It can
Speaker 2: actually provide real physical relief from that pain. When you cry,
Speaker 2: your body releases hormones such as endorphins and oxytocin the
Speaker 2: same chemical structures that we see in pain relievers and opioids.
Speaker 2: That is why a big sub feels just so good,
Speaker 2: even though that might seem counterintuitive because we often associate
Speaker 2: it with sadness and pain. Really, this act is telling
Speaker 2: your body that something is wrong, something has triggered this reaction,
Speaker 2: and it needs to do something about it, so it
Speaker 2: fires up all these pleasurable neurotransmitters and hormones to counteract
Speaker 2: whatever painful thing is bothering us. There is a really
Speaker 2: interesting article by Harvard health that talks about this, and
Speaker 2: it also speaks on how crying provides an emotional catharsis.
Speaker 2: It gives big emotions somewhere to go that isn't just
Speaker 2: running around in our brain in an endless ruminating loop.
Speaker 2: So it's really interesting because that is not a new idea,
Speaker 2: right even back in a lot of the ancient civilizations,
Speaker 2: the Greeks, the Romans, they almost saw our tears as
Speaker 2: having a healing capacity. They were they would drain us
Speaker 2: of something negative, they would purify us. And not only
Speaker 2: has that really like continued to stand, but now there
Speaker 2: have been a lot lot more papers and a lot
Speaker 2: more research into this that is proving that those initial
Speaker 2: conceptions and ideas were actually pretty close to the scientific truth. Now,
Speaker 2: crying isn't the only way to do this, you know,
Speaker 2: Exercise is another way. Displacement as Freud would call it,
Speaker 2: is also another way taking your pain out on others,
Speaker 2: but it is the one that seems most accepted and socialized.
Speaker 2: Of course, if your pet died, you know you're going
Speaker 2: to cry. People accept that as part of the sadness.
Speaker 2: If some every one yells at you, you have this
Speaker 2: really big emotional blow up or a conflict. Again, it
Speaker 2: seems like the most natural reaction to a painful or
Speaker 2: uncomfortable situation. Crying in this way can also have a
Speaker 2: self soothing effect. So this was a finding published by
Speaker 2: a twenty fourteen study that noticed when people cry, this
Speaker 2: very act also activated their powasympathetic nervous system, which helps
Speaker 2: us relax and once again we get that intense distress
Speaker 2: kind of out of the way through the act of crying.
Speaker 2: We when we activate our parasympathetic nervous system, a whole
Speaker 2: bunch of other things occur in our body. Our heart
Speaker 2: rate begins to slow down, we begin to feel quite tired,
Speaker 2: and also all that emotion seems and that fear really
Speaker 2: seems too clear, so we're able to think more rationally
Speaker 2: and from a place of I don't want to say peace,
Speaker 2: but from a place of calm. It's also why after
Speaker 2: crying you might feel really exhausted or drowsy, maybe even peaceful.
Speaker 2: You have involuntarily activated this very important part of your
Speaker 2: nervous system, but also you've drained a lot of that
Speaker 2: energy that was keeping you tense and sad and stressed.
Speaker 2: Now there's been a bit of preliminary research that has
Speaker 2: suggested that crying the reason why it makes us feel
Speaker 2: this way is because the very active crying releases stress
Speaker 2: hormones through the production of tears, meaning that there is
Speaker 2: less of that stress hormone, particularly cortisol, to go around
Speaker 2: in the body. I'm going to like just you know,
Speaker 2: I wanted to mention that, but I would also say
Speaker 2: there probably needs to be a bit more research. I
Speaker 2: don't really see how a few millimeters of tears can
Speaker 2: have that much impact on those stress response of a
Speaker 2: sixty kiloor one hundred kilo one hundred and fifty kilo
Speaker 2: human like. It seems quite negligible. But that is another
Speaker 2: explanation and the final one as to why we cry
Speaker 2: has a lot to do with our social evolution. So
Speaker 2: one of the first things that babies do when they
Speaker 2: are born is cry. Obviously that's to get a lot
Speaker 2: of the fluid out of their lungs, but it's also
Speaker 2: to get attention, and then they pretty much don't stop crying. Ever. Like,
Speaker 2: even as humans, we don't stop crying, but especially when
Speaker 2: we're babies, like, babies cry a whole lot, and the
Speaker 2: reason why is because crying is what we would call
Speaker 2: an attachment behavior. It serves as a signal to those
Speaker 2: around us to comfort us. It draws people's attention to
Speaker 2: us because when they hear those cries, that automatically causes
Speaker 2: this association with distress, and that acknowledgment of distress activates
Speaker 2: the part of our brain that deals with empathy, and
Speaker 2: that is what motivates us to help someone to be
Speaker 2: pro social. So, crying in children and in adults promotes closeness,
Speaker 2: It promotes empathy in others, it promotes kindness because it
Speaker 2: is intended evolutionarily biologically to elicit care and comfort. Actually,
Speaker 2: attachment theory, very first attachment theory paper talks about the
Speaker 2: role of crying quite a bit. So Back in the
Speaker 2: original studies conducted by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, they
Speaker 2: noticed that children who showed a lack of crying when
Speaker 2: their parents are left, when they were being comforted by
Speaker 2: a stranger or were left in a strange situation. Those
Speaker 2: children whose immediate reaction was to not cry but to
Speaker 2: stay silent, they probably had a disorganized attachment style or
Speaker 2: an insecure, anxious, avoidant attachment style because they were used
Speaker 2: to this very innate and instinctual act of crime. Not
Speaker 2: being met with the typical response you know, support, care
Speaker 2: and love, and so they almost just stop doing it
Speaker 2: because they realized that it didn't serve a function the
Speaker 2: function that it should be serving, which is to you know,
Speaker 2: receive empathy and receive care and kindness not just from
Speaker 2: your primary caregiver, but from other people within our species
Speaker 2: around you. All Right, So, now that we've spoken about
Speaker 2: the functions and purposes of crying, what are some of
Speaker 2: the reasons that we can't do it? Why can't we cry?
Speaker 2: That's the real title of this episode. So let's start
Speaker 2: off with the first reason. Maybe you're just really happy.
Speaker 2: There is no reason at all why you can't cry.
Speaker 2: It's just that you have no reason to. That is
Speaker 2: actually a completely valid explanation for this. We're kind of
Speaker 2: all on this like very fun roller coaster of life,
Speaker 2: and sometimes you're just at a high point and you've
Speaker 2: stayed there for a few months. That is a good thing,
Speaker 2: I promise, But I get that sensation and anticipation of
Speaker 2: waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think if
Speaker 2: you're used to feeling like you're just someone who has
Speaker 2: bad luck or never feeling quite satisfied or happy, and
Speaker 2: you're in this moment where everything just seems to be
Speaker 2: strangely going your way. It's natural to be feeling a
Speaker 2: little bit anxious about that and wondering what's wrong with you,
Speaker 2: wondering when this is all going to disappear. I want
Speaker 2: to give you permission right now. It's okay to just
Speaker 2: be happy and content for a while. But if you're
Speaker 2: not crying when it feels necessary, like after a traumatic
Speaker 2: event or something really hard happening in your personal life,
Speaker 2: that is probably a sign that your stoicism is going
Speaker 2: a bit too far, and you may be partially disconnected
Speaker 2: from your true emotions and what's going on underneath the
Speaker 2: seemingly composed surface. If it feels like an appropriate time
Speaker 2: to be crying and you can't, the number one explanation
Speaker 2: is shock after a loss or even something like a breakup.
Speaker 2: I hear so many people saying it's so strange, like
Speaker 2: it's been a few days and I'm completely fine, Like
Speaker 2: I haven't cried once, it's been like three weeks and
Speaker 2: I'm totally already over it. You know, that is just
Speaker 2: not probably true. That's not a sign that you just
Speaker 2: have super quick emotional healing powers. Or that you've already recovered.
Speaker 2: What you're actually experiencing is probably shock. So we know
Speaker 2: that there are a few stages of grief that we
Speaker 2: go through after something, after a loss, after something happens,
Speaker 2: shock or denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And the
Speaker 2: depression stage is what I think most of us think
Speaker 2: when we think about heartbreak or loss. It's very outward,
Speaker 2: it's very feeling, it's very visible and emotional, it's probably
Speaker 2: even teary. But before we get there, we have three
Speaker 2: other stages to pass through that don't always involve as
Speaker 2: many tears. Shock is the most significant one. It is
Speaker 2: a protective or defensive mechanism our brain and lists in
Speaker 2: the immediate aftermath of something intense or life changing or painful.
Speaker 2: That helps us compartmentalize emotions until we are prepared or
Speaker 2: have the mental resources or the mental space to deal
Speaker 2: with them. So there's an evolutionary reason for this. Back
Speaker 2: in the day, when we roamed the Sahara, we were
Speaker 2: fleeing wild beasts and lions and warring with our neighbors.
Speaker 2: We sometimes had to delay an emotional reaction until we
Speaker 2: were out of danger because heavy emotions during that time
Speaker 2: could really cost us our lives. It would take our
Speaker 2: attention off of escaping, off of getting away from a
Speaker 2: dangerous situation. And this instinct to avoid initially hard, heavy
Speaker 2: emotions for survival purposes has carried with us, and so
Speaker 2: now it's seen in response to different, more modern triggers,
Speaker 2: like a breakup, your brain is trying to keep you
Speaker 2: safe for as long as it can by keeping those
Speaker 2: emotions and feelings, almost like behind a mental wall of glass.
Speaker 2: We can see what happened, We can see that it's
Speaker 2: going to hurt, but the full impact hasn't hit us yet.
Speaker 2: It may also be that you know how you know,
Speaker 2: you know how hard it's going to be when you
Speaker 2: finally let yourself feel what you've been through. So you
Speaker 2: are trying your hardest, unconsciously even consciously, to delay the inevitable.
Speaker 2: Even if this isn't entirely conscious, what you're doing is
Speaker 2: buying into the delusion that putting off hard feelings may
Speaker 2: mean that they never actually occur. So when the war
Speaker 2: comes down, and you may not want to hear this,
Speaker 2: but it will eventually come down, it could be days,
Speaker 2: it could be weeks, it could be months, even years.
Speaker 2: That's when we see this suffering we're most accustomed to
Speaker 2: seeing again. The interesting thing is that more often than not,
Speaker 2: the thing that finally triggers our tears is normally completely
Speaker 2: unrelated to the initial or predicted source of our sadness
Speaker 2: and our misery. We can spend like months in a
Speaker 2: state of just like complete emotional stagnation and numbness, and
Speaker 2: then one Monday, a random Monday, you miss your bus,
Speaker 2: your outfit is uncomfortable, it's just a little bit too hot,
Speaker 2: and then you stab your toe and the tap just
Speaker 2: gets turned on and all of those months of pent
Speaker 2: up emotion flood into your life. All it took was
Speaker 2: for that metaphorical straw to break the camel's back, that
Speaker 2: daily stress of that small thing, on top of all
Speaker 2: of the other major life events, to finally provide a release.
Speaker 2: It feels a little bit unfair, I know, But sometimes
Speaker 2: the brain and our mind and our psychology doesn't operate
Speaker 2: according to our rules and what we want. In the meantime,
Speaker 2: you may not be able to tap into that side
Speaker 2: of you that really does just want to have a
Speaker 2: big cry in response to whatever it is. Another reason
Speaker 2: why you might be struggling with this a reaction is
Speaker 2: because of medication, specifically antidepressants and SSRIs, so selective serotonin
Speaker 2: reuptake inhibitors. They've done studies on this. It's one of
Speaker 2: the biggest side effects of being on antidepressants. Forty six
Speaker 2: percent of people who are on these experience blunted emotions.
Speaker 2: And although these medications are amazing they help relieve symptoms
Speaker 2: of depression anxiety that have maybe caused complete dysfunction, they
Speaker 2: can also affect how we experience everyday feelings. So I've
Speaker 2: talked about this before on the show. I was on
Speaker 2: lexipro for three years. I don't think I cried more
Speaker 2: than twice over that period of time. During that time,
Speaker 2: I went through a serious, like long term breakup, my
Speaker 2: grandfather passed away, a lot of other things were happening
Speaker 2: in my personal life, and I just couldn't do I Literally,
Speaker 2: no matter how hard I tried, I could not shed
Speaker 2: a tear. And it was really strange because I had
Speaker 2: all the other signs that I wanted to. I had
Speaker 2: this tightness in my chest, I had this swelling in
Speaker 2: my throat, I had this tension in my forehead. It
Speaker 2: felt like it was going to happen. I was almost there,
Speaker 2: and then it would stop right short of like a tear,
Speaker 2: and it was so unfulfilling, and in more serious moments,
Speaker 2: it actually did feel like the emotions lingered longer in
Speaker 2: my body because they had nowhere to go, and that
Speaker 2: at times made them harder to manage. It made that
Speaker 2: it kind of made it seem like they never truly
Speaker 2: went away, but they were kind of just always there
Speaker 2: at a lower frequency in the background. The way would
Speaker 2: I was talking to my therapist about it was when
Speaker 2: you have a fly buzzing around your house and you
Speaker 2: just can't quite catch it, and it's not that annoying,
Speaker 2: but it's still pretty annoying, and you just want to
Speaker 2: get rid of it. You just want to smash that fire.
Speaker 2: You just want to have that cathartic action. I know
Speaker 2: this is a common experience for a lot of other
Speaker 2: people I've spoken to who are on these medications, and
Speaker 2: it's kind of like you're forced into this trade off.
Speaker 2: Do you want to be able to function and not
Speaker 2: be overwhelmed by anxiety or depressive thoughts, That's going to
Speaker 2: mean that sometimes you have to give up your ability
Speaker 2: to feel as deeply and as intensely as you previously have,
Speaker 2: and it's a decision that we need to make individually.
Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that it's not still difficult, and there
Speaker 2: aren't times when you really wish that you had access
Speaker 2: to all that emotion, your full range of sensitivity and feeling,
Speaker 2: and just that energy source that you can tap into.
Speaker 2: Speaking of medications for depression, we should also probably focus
Speaker 2: on the impact of those conditions as well on our
Speaker 2: ability to cry. So I think one of the common
Speaker 2: misconceptions about being depressed is that you are constantly sobbing,
Speaker 2: You're constantly a pool of tears. Actually, sometimes you are
Speaker 2: so sad and forlorn you just can't cry. This is
Speaker 2: known as depression. With melancholia, you are completely and entirely
Speaker 2: numb to all your emotions. And in that flat, emotionless state,
Speaker 2: it's not that you just can't even feel the good things.
Speaker 2: You can't feel anything, sadness included, because nothing, not even
Speaker 2: the bad things, the hard things, the painful things, have
Speaker 2: meaning to you anymore. Now I would say this is
Speaker 2: super rare, but it does still occur, and it's worth
Speaker 2: going further with your investigation into this if you think
Speaker 2: it applies. This is obviously a significant change in how
Speaker 2: we experience emotions, and therefore you will need to talk
Speaker 2: to it therapist because they're going to be able to
Speaker 2: really tell you a lot more about what creates this
Speaker 2: situation and kind of how to get out of this
Speaker 2: complete mental numbness and staleness. Now, let's move on and
Speaker 2: talk about the reason most people think of when it
Speaker 2: comes to an inability to cry. I saved it for last.
Speaker 2: Emotional repression, the unconscious act of pushing down feelings that
Speaker 2: we see as dangerous or too much. People deal with
Speaker 2: emotions in different ways. We can respect that sadness, grief, anger,
Speaker 2: whatever it may be, heartbreak. They are not a one
Speaker 2: size fits all experience. Some people have a very expressive style.
Speaker 2: They cry very easily and frequently. Often these people are
Speaker 2: more sensitive, they have more empathy, or they've been socialized
Speaker 2: to be more accepting of tears and crying as a
Speaker 2: way to manage emotions. It may they also come down
Speaker 2: to factors, like they sleepless, they have underlying depressive symptoms.
Speaker 2: Like we spoke about, all of these just make us
Speaker 2: more prone to crying sometimes for no reason. Other people, though,
Speaker 2: are more repressed, and they find it really hard to cry.
Speaker 2: And to express what's going on through this method. And
Speaker 2: then there's this category of people who may intentionally suppress
Speaker 2: their emotions to avoid revealing to themselves, not just to others,
Speaker 2: what they're feeling. Frequently, with repressed emotions, you might not
Speaker 2: even realize you're unconsciously avoiding your feelings, which is why
Speaker 2: you might be confused by your inability to cry. That
Speaker 2: is because the origins of this inability happened a long
Speaker 2: time ago, often in the past, in our childhood experiences.
Speaker 2: It could be the case that big displays of sadness,
Speaker 2: even happiness, were not accepted in your family or culture.
Speaker 2: They weren't seen as appropriate, and so when you have
Speaker 2: the urge, you have been conditioned time and time again
Speaker 2: to suppress rather than feel. It may have been that
Speaker 2: every time you did cry you were expressing sensitivity towards
Speaker 2: your emotions. You were punished for it, and so you
Speaker 2: have begun to associate the need to feel with punishment
Speaker 2: and pain and shame. We see this a lot with men.
Speaker 2: Society continuously tells them it's not manly or appropriate or
Speaker 2: how boys should behave, and so they internalize those external
Speaker 2: attitudes such that their threshold for what's you know, whatever
Speaker 2: demand's tears, it's much higher. And even when they really
Speaker 2: you know, when things that really hard happen, they cannot
Speaker 2: get themselves into this state because they are so used
Speaker 2: to suppressing this urge, and it carries a lot of shame.
Speaker 2: That also creates a disconnect between us and our emotions.
Speaker 2: I was lucky. I had a father who probably cries
Speaker 2: more than my mother. But a lot of people do
Speaker 2: learn how to process their emotions from the parent who
Speaker 2: is the same gender as them. I was really lucky.
Speaker 2: I feel like I grew up in a family who
Speaker 2: that was always accepted. There was a natural reaction to tears,
Speaker 2: and I sometimes feel quite sad for people who didn't
Speaker 2: have this as an example, who weren't socialized and raised
Speaker 2: in an environment of emotional acceptance. As I said before,
Speaker 2: we have the ability to cry for a reason to
Speaker 2: provide release. Catharsis as a social cue to notice when
Speaker 2: people are upset, when they need our help. When you
Speaker 2: are forced to deprive yourself of some emotional function like crying,
Speaker 2: other things also tend to go off balance. There's suggestions
Speaker 2: that all that feeling goes elsewhere, and it's expressed in
Speaker 2: more harmful ways, like through rage and anger because it
Speaker 2: needs somewhere to go. And I think that's a lesson
Speaker 2: to all of us. That's suppression and avoidance of emotion.
Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that they don't exist, that they cease
Speaker 2: to exist. They will find a way to come to
Speaker 2: the surface. They will find a way to get your attention,
Speaker 2: whether you want them to or not. So we've discussed
Speaker 2: the main reasons for our inability to cry, but what
Speaker 2: do we actually do about it? We're not going to
Speaker 2: leave it there. What is the way forward here? Is
Speaker 2: it to watch as many sad movies as possible or
Speaker 2: animal rescue videos and like wait until something clicks. Probably not.
Speaker 2: When we're getting to the root of this, we actually
Speaker 2: need to take a step back from the tears and
Speaker 2: look what's underneath. It all a disconnect with your deeper
Speaker 2: emotional state. So we're going to talk about all of
Speaker 2: that and more after this shortbreak. When it comes to
Speaker 2: an inability to cry, the solution is not forcing yourself
Speaker 2: to cry by any means necessary. It's not like you
Speaker 2: have a blocked a drain or a pipe and once
Speaker 2: you remove the gun, everything will start flowing freely again.
Speaker 2: You know you're not a plumbing problem. The solution is
Speaker 2: getting back in touch with what you're feeling. When you're
Speaker 2: feeling it. It's about a deeper emotional disconnect that we
Speaker 2: need to heal. So let's talk about it. If you've
Speaker 2: been through a few hard chapters recently, or you have
Speaker 2: been once, as we said, you know, conditioned or socialized
Speaker 2: to repress rather than express. Your ability to identify your
Speaker 2: emotions and what is bothering you has probably become a
Speaker 2: little bit disorganized or broken. When we see emotions as
Speaker 2: our captors or as a source of shame, or we
Speaker 2: perceive them as being stronger than us, that is when
Speaker 2: we have an incentive to not feel them at all,
Speaker 2: and that results in that inability for expression and release.
Speaker 2: To get past this, we can do a few things,
Speaker 2: and I'm going to talk about three strategies, in particular,
Speaker 2: noticing your emotions in your body, talking to your friends
Speaker 2: about their feelings, and finding a creative outlet. Paying attention
Speaker 2: to your body is so important when it comes to
Speaker 2: noticing and making peace with whatever is going on in
Speaker 2: your mind. We feel emotions in the body. This has
Speaker 2: been written about so much in the last few decades.
Speaker 2: Perhaps most notably in the book The Body Keeps the Score,
Speaker 2: which mainly talks about how stress and trauma in particular
Speaker 2: have a somatic form and a somatic impact. It causes
Speaker 2: chronic pain, hormone imbalance, so much more. On a smaller scale, though,
Speaker 2: every emotion we feel, we feel it through our neurons. Now,
Speaker 2: a lot of us think that neurons are only found
Speaker 2: in the brain. It's a common misconception, but it's actually
Speaker 2: not true. Neurons are found throughout the body outside of
Speaker 2: the brain. They're known as sensory and motor neurons, and
Speaker 2: our brain is in control of all of these. It
Speaker 2: is the main communicator, It is the leader. The other
Speaker 2: thing our brain is is in control of communicating with
Speaker 2: is our emotions. And so there is this connection between
Speaker 2: what we feel emotionally and what we feel physically because
Speaker 2: it is using a lot of the same pathways. A
Speaker 2: lot of those pathways are connected. What that means is
Speaker 2: that when we begin to use physical cues to notice
Speaker 2: and identify our feelings, we can really unlock a whole
Speaker 2: new range of emotions and emotional recognition we didn't previously have.
Speaker 2: For example, anger is often felt between the chest and
Speaker 2: the head, Whilst fear is usually felt between the stomach
Speaker 2: and the chest, sadness is felt in the face, in
Speaker 2: the throat, even in our limbs it makes them heavy,
Speaker 2: and emotional pain can really be felt all over. A
Speaker 2: lot of us have become very disconnected from these signs
Speaker 2: and emotional cues that are present in our limbs and
Speaker 2: in our muscles and in our bones. If you're struggling
Speaker 2: with emotional expression, tap into what you're feeling through a
Speaker 2: body scan. And how you do that You focus on
Speaker 2: each area of your body from your toes to the
Speaker 2: top of your head, and you pay attention what is
Speaker 2: causing you discomfort? Where is their heaviness or tightness, Where
Speaker 2: is their pent up energy and excitement and like tingling?
Speaker 2: And what is that trying to tell you? Those sensations
Speaker 2: are not there by accident. That is your brain trying
Speaker 2: to communicate something to you that you may have previously
Speaker 2: stopped yourself from recognizing because you are trying to compartmentalize
Speaker 2: and protect yourself. As you do that body scan, consciously
Speaker 2: tense and then relax your muscles, particularly your face and
Speaker 2: your shoulders. Now I sometimes do this when I'm trying
Speaker 2: to fall asleep, and when I consciously turn my attention
Speaker 2: to these parts of my body, it's really only then
Speaker 2: that I realized just how much, just like tension and
Speaker 2: like anxiety and stress, is being stored in those areas.
Speaker 2: If you can, you should do it right now. Let
Speaker 2: all of those muscles relate. Let all of that tension
Speaker 2: in your shoulders go for a second, and then try
Speaker 2: it again. Let them go even looser, and try your forehead.
Speaker 2: Drop it as low as you can. I'm literally doing
Speaker 2: it as I'm speaking right now. Feel how your eyebrows
Speaker 2: move closer to your eyes, Feel how everything around your
Speaker 2: skull just seems to loosen. You might even get like
Speaker 2: a little tingle. And can you notice just how much
Speaker 2: better you feel? And can you also pay attention to
Speaker 2: what's coming up for you? That is really the first
Speaker 2: step in this process, observing and discerning how emotions are
Speaker 2: sitting in your body and what different emotions feel like
Speaker 2: for you. Secondly, talk to your friends about their feelings.
Speaker 2: When we are disconnected from our emotions, sometimes we no
Speaker 2: longer have the words to explain what we're feeling. And
Speaker 2: that's where talking to people you trust can be so helpful.
Speaker 2: Not only do I think they give us a lot
Speaker 2: of language for what we're going through, which I always
Speaker 2: find super helpful. They also offer support and a place
Speaker 2: for vulnerability, a space for openness that maybe we just
Speaker 2: haven't had before, We've never been permitted access to. I
Speaker 2: think one of the crazy things that always comes up
Speaker 2: for me is just this constant epiphany that you are
Speaker 2: not the only one. Nothing is experienced in isolation. So
Speaker 2: much of what we experience in our twenties and beyond
Speaker 2: is universal, and it's made a lot easier with community
Speaker 2: and support and someone who is going to sit across
Speaker 2: from you and say, I'm witnessing your life, I see
Speaker 2: what you're going through. That is really really hard. Hearing
Speaker 2: someone else say that validates so much of what we're experiencing.
Speaker 2: I have had that happen where just someone says like,
Speaker 2: I'm so sorry, I can see that must be so painful,
Speaker 2: and just that acknowledgment makes me burst into tears. I
Speaker 2: think become curious about other people's emotions as well, ask questions,
Speaker 2: listen other people crave to be heard as much as
Speaker 2: you do, and in response, share your own feelings. You know,
Speaker 2: as humans, we have this beautiful superpower that we can
Speaker 2: connect through emotions and through vulnerability, And as we get
Speaker 2: better at being vulnerable with other people, we get better
Speaker 2: at being vulnerable with ourselves, having a sense of acceptance
Speaker 2: that this is okay, this is normal, other people are
Speaker 2: experiencing this. I am not defective, I am not faulty,
Speaker 2: there is nothing wrong with me. And the tears might
Speaker 2: not come instantly, but there is this increased level of
Speaker 2: acceptance and this increased level of recognition for what you
Speaker 2: are actually experiencing, and there's just this increased level of
Speaker 2: just kindness in your life, which I think everyone can
Speaker 2: really benefit from. Finally, look for an outlet, especially one
Speaker 2: that is creative. There is no one way to feel.
Speaker 2: I feel like I have mentioned that a million times
Speaker 2: in this episode. There are so many other ways we
Speaker 2: can channel what's happening in our bodies firstly, but also
Speaker 2: in our minds into something that is tangible, and it
Speaker 2: doesn't have to involve tears or crying. When that thing
Speaker 2: that we choose to us is out as our outlet
Speaker 2: is creative or physical, it also allows us to use
Speaker 2: these parts of our brain that we may otherwise be
Speaker 2: neglecting or just not using as much. It makes us
Speaker 2: feel less inhibited. It freees parts of us that otherwise
Speaker 2: have nowhere else to exist. That is the power of creativity.
Speaker 2: And I've talked about this on the podcast before, but
Speaker 2: after my first big breakup, I tried anything creative or
Speaker 2: with my hands that I could. I did painting, I
Speaker 2: did pottery. I even did weaving for a while. It's
Speaker 2: not as fun as you think. It takes ages, but
Speaker 2: it just felt like my brain was opening up and
Speaker 2: noticing a whole new world, both extern and within. There
Speaker 2: is a reason why art therapy is so popular because
Speaker 2: we are finally waking up to the fact that doing
Speaker 2: something purposeful and meaningful and artistic and creating something, rather
Speaker 2: than always feeling like the world is taking things from us,
Speaker 2: it helps us regulate what we're feeling. Our emotions are
Speaker 2: a huge source of inspiration and they want a place
Speaker 2: to go. They are looking for an outlet. And maybe
Speaker 2: right now that's not crying for you. But I think
Speaker 2: the more you the further you get in this process,
Speaker 2: the more everything else seems to loosen up. If you
Speaker 2: want some further evidence of this, as a really well
Speaker 2: known UCL study that was conducted in part with BBC Arts,
Speaker 2: and what they found was that when they gave people
Speaker 2: the space to be creative, especially in response to big, large,
Speaker 2: scary emotions, it didn't actually matter if they were even
Speaker 2: objectively good at it. It was just the participation and
Speaker 2: the act that counted. Make bad art express everything in anything,
Speaker 2: and you will slowly see how your access to your
Speaker 2: emotions becomes expanded because you begin to see them in
Speaker 2: a positive light as a source of inspiration and motivation
Speaker 2: and of creativity. Finally, I say this in a lot
Speaker 2: of these episodes because I just think it's so true.
Speaker 2: Be gentle with yourself. Imagine that the person sitting in
Speaker 2: front of you, who is struggling with their emotions, with
Speaker 2: their ability to cry, is five year old you. You
Speaker 2: wouldn't yell at them, you wouldn't shame them, you wouldn't
Speaker 2: get angry at them. I know it's frustrating. I know
Speaker 2: sometimes we just long for that catharsis and release of
Speaker 2: a good old fashioned cry. But you are not defective,
Speaker 2: You are not faulty. You are not a psychopath, because
Speaker 2: that isn't available to you at the moment. There are
Speaker 2: so many reasons and very valid explanations for why this is,
Speaker 2: but there are also so many ways through. You are
Speaker 2: doing the best you can. You're probably managing a lot
Speaker 2: in your life right now, and your brain is trying
Speaker 2: to help you in some way. But I often find
Speaker 2: when we finally get to a place of feeling emotionally
Speaker 2: safe and secure, the tears will come. So thank you
Speaker 2: so much for listening to today's episode. I hope you
Speaker 2: got something out of it. I hope that you enjoyed it.
Speaker 2: I hope that you learned something from my experience. You know,
Speaker 2: that's always the mission with these episodes, is being like,
Speaker 2: you know, your twenties feels super isolating. I'm there with you.
Speaker 2: You're not alone. There are so many people who are
Speaker 2: going through something similar. As always, if you did enjoy
Speaker 2: this episode, please feel free to leave a five start
Speaker 2: review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening. I
Speaker 2: you know, I don't know if people really know this.
Speaker 2: It's kind of just me running this podcast. I don't
Speaker 2: really have like a huge team, so I'm still the
Speaker 2: one who reads all of your messages and all of
Speaker 2: your reviews and all of your comments, and it really
Speaker 2: makes my day. So also, if you have an episode suggestion,
Speaker 2: I say this at the end of every episode. Please
Speaker 2: feel free to DM me at that Psychology podcast. I
Speaker 2: would love to hear what you have in mind and
Speaker 2: if you want to see what I'm doing in my
Speaker 2: own life as a twenty something year old, feel free
Speaker 2: to follow me at chemispeg on Instagram and we will
Speaker 2: be back on Friday with a new episode. Until then,
Speaker 2: stay safe and we will talk soon.