1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,079 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, or welcome back to 5 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:30,720 Speaker 1: the show. Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, 6 00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:33,159 Speaker 1: or wherever you are in the world, it is so 7 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:36,919 Speaker 1: great to have you here. Back for another episode. As 8 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:41,760 Speaker 1: we of course dive into the psychology of our twenties today, 9 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:43,879 Speaker 1: let's cut to the chase we're going to be talking 10 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:48,600 Speaker 1: about crying. It might seem a little bit insignificant to 11 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:52,040 Speaker 1: be devoting a whole episode to this. It might seem 12 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:55,360 Speaker 1: a bit strange when it comes to our twenties. I 13 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,960 Speaker 1: think that a lot of us try to avoid crying, 14 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:04,479 Speaker 1: but sometimes they're no better feeling than just having a 15 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:09,080 Speaker 1: solid moment to let yourself be in pain, to experience 16 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:12,039 Speaker 1: a little bit of self pity, and to let it 17 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:16,920 Speaker 1: all out through tears. And sometimes nothing feels more frustrating 18 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:21,760 Speaker 1: than wanting so badly to cry and have that physical 19 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:25,320 Speaker 1: outlet for your emotions and being unable to. It can 20 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:29,560 Speaker 1: feel like something within us is blocked, something about us 21 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:34,360 Speaker 1: is defective or faulty because we're not feeling things deeply 22 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:36,360 Speaker 1: enough or to the point where we can let it 23 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,679 Speaker 1: all out and have this like physical expression of what 24 00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:42,720 Speaker 1: is occurring internally, and I really get that it can 25 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:45,360 Speaker 1: leave us with a lot of I think, frustration and 26 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:49,320 Speaker 1: almost like anger at ourselves and just this like longing 27 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:53,040 Speaker 1: for a good old fashioned sob. The truth of the 28 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:57,040 Speaker 1: matter is our twenties are really freaking hard. Being human 29 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:00,760 Speaker 1: is hard. Life is hard. We are all going to 30 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:04,000 Speaker 1: go through difficult moments and times in our lives where 31 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:07,600 Speaker 1: we lose people, we're frustrated by life, we're having a 32 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:10,920 Speaker 1: really rough time at work, our boss is an asshole. 33 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:15,320 Speaker 1: And being able to release all that stress, that grief, 34 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:19,560 Speaker 1: that anger, that sadness is one of the good parts 35 00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:25,720 Speaker 1: about being human and having that huge catalog of emotional 36 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:30,519 Speaker 1: expressions and ability to feel emotions. When we feel it 37 00:02:30,639 --> 00:02:34,120 Speaker 1: detached from that ability, and it happens every now and again, 38 00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:39,320 Speaker 1: we I think feel almost under control, under the control 39 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,880 Speaker 1: of our emotions, and we feel like there is this 40 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:46,760 Speaker 1: pent up energy inside of us that has nowhere to 41 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:50,320 Speaker 1: go but up and into our brain and cause us 42 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:54,600 Speaker 1: more stress and more fear and more anxiety and tears 43 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:59,440 Speaker 1: serve a purpose. Sometimes they serve as an outlet. There 44 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:03,480 Speaker 1: is nothing better. So for anyone who is feeling a 45 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:06,799 Speaker 1: little bit emotionally repressed at the moment, who was finding 46 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:10,400 Speaker 1: that they can't even cry in the moments, they want 47 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:14,640 Speaker 1: nothing more than That's what we're going to discuss today. 48 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:18,240 Speaker 2: We're going to examine some of the reasons psychology and 49 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:22,160 Speaker 2: science tells us we need to cry, why we can't cry, 50 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:27,280 Speaker 2: from emotional suppression to medications or shock, and how we 51 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:31,160 Speaker 2: can get back in touch with our big emotions rather 52 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:34,320 Speaker 2: than being scared of them. So let us get into 53 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:38,000 Speaker 2: it to start off with why do we actually need 54 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:41,760 Speaker 2: to cry? Obviously, if we can do it, evolution tells 55 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:44,840 Speaker 2: us that it must have served a purpose. Before we 56 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:48,080 Speaker 2: talk about that, let's just briefly mention some of the 57 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:51,760 Speaker 2: anatomy for a second. Each of us is born with 58 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,120 Speaker 2: two tear ducts in each of our eyes, and they 59 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,920 Speaker 2: have two openings, one on the upper eyelid, one on 60 00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,920 Speaker 2: the like in the inner eyelid. We all you know 61 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:02,800 Speaker 2: what I'm talking about. Close to the bridge of the notes. Now, 62 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:08,280 Speaker 2: crying doesn't just occur for emotional reasons. There are actually 63 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:13,960 Speaker 2: three different types of tears. We have basil tears, reflex tears, 64 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:19,200 Speaker 2: and emotional tears. Basil tears they wash away dirt and 65 00:04:19,279 --> 00:04:23,239 Speaker 2: gems and yucky things, keeping us from getting an infection, 66 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:27,000 Speaker 2: going blind, that kind of thing. Reflex tiars are what 67 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:30,440 Speaker 2: occur when something harmful gets in our eye, like a 68 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:34,480 Speaker 2: bug or when we're cutting onion. It's responsive to something 69 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:39,080 Speaker 2: coming from the environment. And then finally we have emotional tears. 70 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,760 Speaker 2: Emotional tears are a lot more complicated than basil and 71 00:04:42,839 --> 00:04:45,279 Speaker 2: reflex tiers, which I'm sure we kind of all assumed 72 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:48,200 Speaker 2: at this point. But the thing about emotional tears is 73 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,880 Speaker 2: that they are not automatic. In order to cry, our 74 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:56,279 Speaker 2: limbic system, the part of our brain that regulates our emotions. 75 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:58,920 Speaker 2: That part of our brain has to be activated and 76 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:03,120 Speaker 2: send signals to our glands to produce tears, and in 77 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:07,880 Speaker 2: those tears contains a bunch of other proteins and hormones 78 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:11,680 Speaker 2: that we don't find in our everyday basil or reflex tiars, 79 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:16,239 Speaker 2: things like potassium prolactin, which also helps us produce milk, 80 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:22,200 Speaker 2: and finally the big one, stress hormones like cortisol. This 81 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:27,400 Speaker 2: is probably our first clue that we're dealing with something 82 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:30,680 Speaker 2: a little bit bigger when we need to cry. It's 83 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:34,960 Speaker 2: a lot more psychological than just physical. That's because most 84 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:40,080 Speaker 2: evolutionary researchers will tell you that crying serves a purpose. Actually, 85 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:43,960 Speaker 2: it serves a number of important functions that all have 86 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:46,960 Speaker 2: something to do with how we feel emotion and how 87 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:51,960 Speaker 2: we connect to others through mental, physical, and emotional expressions 88 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:58,000 Speaker 2: of pain. So firstly, when you are an emotional physical pain, 89 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:02,280 Speaker 2: crying can actually make you feel really good. It can 90 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:07,159 Speaker 2: actually provide real physical relief from that pain. When you cry, 91 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:12,200 Speaker 2: your body releases hormones such as endorphins and oxytocin the 92 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:16,279 Speaker 2: same chemical structures that we see in pain relievers and opioids. 93 00:06:16,839 --> 00:06:20,440 Speaker 2: That is why a big sub feels just so good, 94 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:24,560 Speaker 2: even though that might seem counterintuitive because we often associate 95 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:29,599 Speaker 2: it with sadness and pain. Really, this act is telling 96 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:33,320 Speaker 2: your body that something is wrong, something has triggered this reaction, 97 00:06:33,839 --> 00:06:36,080 Speaker 2: and it needs to do something about it, so it 98 00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:41,320 Speaker 2: fires up all these pleasurable neurotransmitters and hormones to counteract 99 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:44,800 Speaker 2: whatever painful thing is bothering us. There is a really 100 00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:48,640 Speaker 2: interesting article by Harvard health that talks about this, and 101 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:53,839 Speaker 2: it also speaks on how crying provides an emotional catharsis. 102 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:58,719 Speaker 2: It gives big emotions somewhere to go that isn't just 103 00:06:58,839 --> 00:07:03,000 Speaker 2: running around in our brain in an endless ruminating loop. 104 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:07,479 Speaker 2: So it's really interesting because that is not a new idea, 105 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:11,440 Speaker 2: right even back in a lot of the ancient civilizations, 106 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:15,520 Speaker 2: the Greeks, the Romans, they almost saw our tears as 107 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:18,800 Speaker 2: having a healing capacity. They were they would drain us 108 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:23,440 Speaker 2: of something negative, they would purify us. And not only 109 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:27,320 Speaker 2: has that really like continued to stand, but now there 110 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:30,200 Speaker 2: have been a lot lot more papers and a lot 111 00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:33,840 Speaker 2: more research into this that is proving that those initial 112 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:38,960 Speaker 2: conceptions and ideas were actually pretty close to the scientific truth. Now, 113 00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:41,120 Speaker 2: crying isn't the only way to do this, you know, 114 00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:45,360 Speaker 2: Exercise is another way. Displacement as Freud would call it, 115 00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:48,720 Speaker 2: is also another way taking your pain out on others, 116 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:53,080 Speaker 2: but it is the one that seems most accepted and socialized. 117 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:56,120 Speaker 2: Of course, if your pet died, you know you're going 118 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:59,000 Speaker 2: to cry. People accept that as part of the sadness. 119 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,720 Speaker 2: If some every one yells at you, you have this 120 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:05,560 Speaker 2: really big emotional blow up or a conflict. Again, it 121 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:08,720 Speaker 2: seems like the most natural reaction to a painful or 122 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:12,840 Speaker 2: uncomfortable situation. Crying in this way can also have a 123 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:16,800 Speaker 2: self soothing effect. So this was a finding published by 124 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:21,440 Speaker 2: a twenty fourteen study that noticed when people cry, this 125 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:27,440 Speaker 2: very act also activated their powasympathetic nervous system, which helps 126 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:32,240 Speaker 2: us relax and once again we get that intense distress 127 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:35,240 Speaker 2: kind of out of the way through the act of crying. 128 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:39,800 Speaker 2: We when we activate our parasympathetic nervous system, a whole 129 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,560 Speaker 2: bunch of other things occur in our body. Our heart 130 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:46,040 Speaker 2: rate begins to slow down, we begin to feel quite tired, 131 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:50,480 Speaker 2: and also all that emotion seems and that fear really 132 00:08:50,559 --> 00:08:53,840 Speaker 2: seems too clear, so we're able to think more rationally 133 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:56,080 Speaker 2: and from a place of I don't want to say peace, 134 00:08:56,200 --> 00:09:00,400 Speaker 2: but from a place of calm. It's also why after 135 00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:05,800 Speaker 2: crying you might feel really exhausted or drowsy, maybe even peaceful. 136 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:10,400 Speaker 2: You have involuntarily activated this very important part of your 137 00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:13,520 Speaker 2: nervous system, but also you've drained a lot of that 138 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:17,520 Speaker 2: energy that was keeping you tense and sad and stressed. 139 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:21,560 Speaker 2: Now there's been a bit of preliminary research that has 140 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:24,800 Speaker 2: suggested that crying the reason why it makes us feel 141 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:28,520 Speaker 2: this way is because the very active crying releases stress 142 00:09:28,559 --> 00:09:31,960 Speaker 2: hormones through the production of tears, meaning that there is 143 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:36,000 Speaker 2: less of that stress hormone, particularly cortisol, to go around 144 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,320 Speaker 2: in the body. I'm going to like just you know, 145 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,680 Speaker 2: I wanted to mention that, but I would also say 146 00:09:40,679 --> 00:09:43,480 Speaker 2: there probably needs to be a bit more research. I 147 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:46,400 Speaker 2: don't really see how a few millimeters of tears can 148 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:49,920 Speaker 2: have that much impact on those stress response of a 149 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,600 Speaker 2: sixty kiloor one hundred kilo one hundred and fifty kilo 150 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:56,600 Speaker 2: human like. It seems quite negligible. But that is another 151 00:09:56,720 --> 00:10:01,000 Speaker 2: explanation and the final one as to why we cry 152 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:07,679 Speaker 2: has a lot to do with our social evolution. So 153 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,960 Speaker 2: one of the first things that babies do when they 154 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:13,720 Speaker 2: are born is cry. Obviously that's to get a lot 155 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:16,240 Speaker 2: of the fluid out of their lungs, but it's also 156 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:21,679 Speaker 2: to get attention, and then they pretty much don't stop crying. Ever. Like, 157 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:24,160 Speaker 2: even as humans, we don't stop crying, but especially when 158 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:27,840 Speaker 2: we're babies, like, babies cry a whole lot, and the 159 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:31,240 Speaker 2: reason why is because crying is what we would call 160 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:35,600 Speaker 2: an attachment behavior. It serves as a signal to those 161 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:39,600 Speaker 2: around us to comfort us. It draws people's attention to 162 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:44,760 Speaker 2: us because when they hear those cries, that automatically causes 163 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:50,800 Speaker 2: this association with distress, and that acknowledgment of distress activates 164 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:54,559 Speaker 2: the part of our brain that deals with empathy, and 165 00:10:54,559 --> 00:10:57,000 Speaker 2: that is what motivates us to help someone to be 166 00:10:57,160 --> 00:11:03,760 Speaker 2: pro social. So, crying in children and in adults promotes closeness, 167 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:08,720 Speaker 2: It promotes empathy in others, it promotes kindness because it 168 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:16,920 Speaker 2: is intended evolutionarily biologically to elicit care and comfort. Actually, 169 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:23,360 Speaker 2: attachment theory, very first attachment theory paper talks about the 170 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:26,280 Speaker 2: role of crying quite a bit. So Back in the 171 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:31,199 Speaker 2: original studies conducted by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, they 172 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:34,920 Speaker 2: noticed that children who showed a lack of crying when 173 00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:37,920 Speaker 2: their parents are left, when they were being comforted by 174 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:42,280 Speaker 2: a stranger or were left in a strange situation. Those 175 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,800 Speaker 2: children whose immediate reaction was to not cry but to 176 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:50,559 Speaker 2: stay silent, they probably had a disorganized attachment style or 177 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:56,360 Speaker 2: an insecure, anxious, avoidant attachment style because they were used 178 00:11:56,360 --> 00:12:00,920 Speaker 2: to this very innate and instinctual act of crime. Not 179 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:04,960 Speaker 2: being met with the typical response you know, support, care 180 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,400 Speaker 2: and love, and so they almost just stop doing it 181 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:10,280 Speaker 2: because they realized that it didn't serve a function the 182 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:14,000 Speaker 2: function that it should be serving, which is to you know, 183 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:18,199 Speaker 2: receive empathy and receive care and kindness not just from 184 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:22,000 Speaker 2: your primary caregiver, but from other people within our species 185 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:25,160 Speaker 2: around you. All Right, So, now that we've spoken about 186 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:28,120 Speaker 2: the functions and purposes of crying, what are some of 187 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:32,120 Speaker 2: the reasons that we can't do it? Why can't we cry? 188 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,120 Speaker 2: That's the real title of this episode. So let's start 189 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:38,720 Speaker 2: off with the first reason. Maybe you're just really happy. 190 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:41,400 Speaker 2: There is no reason at all why you can't cry. 191 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:44,640 Speaker 2: It's just that you have no reason to. That is 192 00:12:44,679 --> 00:12:48,240 Speaker 2: actually a completely valid explanation for this. We're kind of 193 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:50,640 Speaker 2: all on this like very fun roller coaster of life, 194 00:12:50,679 --> 00:12:53,439 Speaker 2: and sometimes you're just at a high point and you've 195 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:56,480 Speaker 2: stayed there for a few months. That is a good thing, 196 00:12:56,600 --> 00:13:01,280 Speaker 2: I promise, But I get that sensation and anticipation of 197 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:04,040 Speaker 2: waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think if 198 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:06,679 Speaker 2: you're used to feeling like you're just someone who has 199 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:11,200 Speaker 2: bad luck or never feeling quite satisfied or happy, and 200 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,679 Speaker 2: you're in this moment where everything just seems to be 201 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:17,319 Speaker 2: strangely going your way. It's natural to be feeling a 202 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:21,360 Speaker 2: little bit anxious about that and wondering what's wrong with you, 203 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:26,520 Speaker 2: wondering when this is all going to disappear. I want 204 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:28,440 Speaker 2: to give you permission right now. It's okay to just 205 00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:31,720 Speaker 2: be happy and content for a while. But if you're 206 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:35,640 Speaker 2: not crying when it feels necessary, like after a traumatic 207 00:13:35,679 --> 00:13:39,040 Speaker 2: event or something really hard happening in your personal life, 208 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:44,440 Speaker 2: that is probably a sign that your stoicism is going 209 00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:47,840 Speaker 2: a bit too far, and you may be partially disconnected 210 00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:51,600 Speaker 2: from your true emotions and what's going on underneath the 211 00:13:51,679 --> 00:13:56,680 Speaker 2: seemingly composed surface. If it feels like an appropriate time 212 00:13:56,760 --> 00:14:00,520 Speaker 2: to be crying and you can't, the number one explanation 213 00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:04,719 Speaker 2: is shock after a loss or even something like a breakup. 214 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:08,520 Speaker 2: I hear so many people saying it's so strange, like 215 00:14:08,679 --> 00:14:10,640 Speaker 2: it's been a few days and I'm completely fine, Like 216 00:14:10,679 --> 00:14:13,079 Speaker 2: I haven't cried once, it's been like three weeks and 217 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:16,160 Speaker 2: I'm totally already over it. You know, that is just 218 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,360 Speaker 2: not probably true. That's not a sign that you just 219 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:23,360 Speaker 2: have super quick emotional healing powers. Or that you've already recovered. 220 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:27,880 Speaker 2: What you're actually experiencing is probably shock. So we know 221 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,120 Speaker 2: that there are a few stages of grief that we 222 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,720 Speaker 2: go through after something, after a loss, after something happens, 223 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:39,800 Speaker 2: shock or denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And the 224 00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:43,120 Speaker 2: depression stage is what I think most of us think 225 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:46,840 Speaker 2: when we think about heartbreak or loss. It's very outward, 226 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:50,560 Speaker 2: it's very feeling, it's very visible and emotional, it's probably 227 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,840 Speaker 2: even teary. But before we get there, we have three 228 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:57,160 Speaker 2: other stages to pass through that don't always involve as 229 00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:00,680 Speaker 2: many tears. Shock is the most significant one. It is 230 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:05,240 Speaker 2: a protective or defensive mechanism our brain and lists in 231 00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:09,239 Speaker 2: the immediate aftermath of something intense or life changing or painful. 232 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:14,480 Speaker 2: That helps us compartmentalize emotions until we are prepared or 233 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:17,600 Speaker 2: have the mental resources or the mental space to deal 234 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:21,440 Speaker 2: with them. So there's an evolutionary reason for this. Back 235 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:23,760 Speaker 2: in the day, when we roamed the Sahara, we were 236 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:28,080 Speaker 2: fleeing wild beasts and lions and warring with our neighbors. 237 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:33,200 Speaker 2: We sometimes had to delay an emotional reaction until we 238 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:37,280 Speaker 2: were out of danger because heavy emotions during that time 239 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:40,200 Speaker 2: could really cost us our lives. It would take our 240 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:43,480 Speaker 2: attention off of escaping, off of getting away from a 241 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:49,000 Speaker 2: dangerous situation. And this instinct to avoid initially hard, heavy 242 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:54,040 Speaker 2: emotions for survival purposes has carried with us, and so 243 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,480 Speaker 2: now it's seen in response to different, more modern triggers, 244 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:01,120 Speaker 2: like a breakup, your brain is trying to keep you 245 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:04,560 Speaker 2: safe for as long as it can by keeping those 246 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:09,680 Speaker 2: emotions and feelings, almost like behind a mental wall of glass. 247 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,600 Speaker 2: We can see what happened, We can see that it's 248 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:17,160 Speaker 2: going to hurt, but the full impact hasn't hit us yet. 249 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:20,000 Speaker 2: It may also be that you know how you know, 250 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:22,440 Speaker 2: you know how hard it's going to be when you 251 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:26,680 Speaker 2: finally let yourself feel what you've been through. So you 252 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:33,360 Speaker 2: are trying your hardest, unconsciously even consciously, to delay the inevitable. 253 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:38,040 Speaker 2: Even if this isn't entirely conscious, what you're doing is 254 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:42,800 Speaker 2: buying into the delusion that putting off hard feelings may 255 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:46,160 Speaker 2: mean that they never actually occur. So when the war 256 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:49,240 Speaker 2: comes down, and you may not want to hear this, 257 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,880 Speaker 2: but it will eventually come down, it could be days, 258 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:54,520 Speaker 2: it could be weeks, it could be months, even years. 259 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,680 Speaker 2: That's when we see this suffering we're most accustomed to 260 00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:03,560 Speaker 2: seeing again. The interesting thing is that more often than not, 261 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:06,800 Speaker 2: the thing that finally triggers our tears is normally completely 262 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:10,880 Speaker 2: unrelated to the initial or predicted source of our sadness 263 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:14,040 Speaker 2: and our misery. We can spend like months in a 264 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:18,760 Speaker 2: state of just like complete emotional stagnation and numbness, and 265 00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:23,560 Speaker 2: then one Monday, a random Monday, you miss your bus, 266 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:26,560 Speaker 2: your outfit is uncomfortable, it's just a little bit too hot, 267 00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:30,439 Speaker 2: and then you stab your toe and the tap just 268 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:34,879 Speaker 2: gets turned on and all of those months of pent 269 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:39,840 Speaker 2: up emotion flood into your life. All it took was 270 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:44,600 Speaker 2: for that metaphorical straw to break the camel's back, that 271 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:48,159 Speaker 2: daily stress of that small thing, on top of all 272 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:52,000 Speaker 2: of the other major life events, to finally provide a release. 273 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:55,800 Speaker 2: It feels a little bit unfair, I know, But sometimes 274 00:17:55,840 --> 00:18:00,320 Speaker 2: the brain and our mind and our psychology doesn't operate 275 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:04,280 Speaker 2: according to our rules and what we want. In the meantime, 276 00:18:04,359 --> 00:18:06,240 Speaker 2: you may not be able to tap into that side 277 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:08,560 Speaker 2: of you that really does just want to have a 278 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:12,719 Speaker 2: big cry in response to whatever it is. Another reason 279 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:15,159 Speaker 2: why you might be struggling with this a reaction is 280 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:21,440 Speaker 2: because of medication, specifically antidepressants and SSRIs, so selective serotonin 281 00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:26,040 Speaker 2: reuptake inhibitors. They've done studies on this. It's one of 282 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:29,280 Speaker 2: the biggest side effects of being on antidepressants. Forty six 283 00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:34,440 Speaker 2: percent of people who are on these experience blunted emotions. 284 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:39,000 Speaker 2: And although these medications are amazing they help relieve symptoms 285 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:45,120 Speaker 2: of depression anxiety that have maybe caused complete dysfunction, they 286 00:18:45,119 --> 00:18:50,920 Speaker 2: can also affect how we experience everyday feelings. So I've 287 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,760 Speaker 2: talked about this before on the show. I was on 288 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:57,080 Speaker 2: lexipro for three years. I don't think I cried more 289 00:18:57,119 --> 00:19:00,720 Speaker 2: than twice over that period of time. During that time, 290 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:04,919 Speaker 2: I went through a serious, like long term breakup, my 291 00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:08,800 Speaker 2: grandfather passed away, a lot of other things were happening 292 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:12,920 Speaker 2: in my personal life, and I just couldn't do I Literally, 293 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,240 Speaker 2: no matter how hard I tried, I could not shed 294 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:18,880 Speaker 2: a tear. And it was really strange because I had 295 00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:21,240 Speaker 2: all the other signs that I wanted to. I had 296 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:25,240 Speaker 2: this tightness in my chest, I had this swelling in 297 00:19:25,359 --> 00:19:29,200 Speaker 2: my throat, I had this tension in my forehead. It 298 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:32,000 Speaker 2: felt like it was going to happen. I was almost there, 299 00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:35,320 Speaker 2: and then it would stop right short of like a tear, 300 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:40,080 Speaker 2: and it was so unfulfilling, and in more serious moments, 301 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:44,280 Speaker 2: it actually did feel like the emotions lingered longer in 302 00:19:44,359 --> 00:19:47,639 Speaker 2: my body because they had nowhere to go, and that 303 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:51,000 Speaker 2: at times made them harder to manage. It made that 304 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,560 Speaker 2: it kind of made it seem like they never truly 305 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:56,200 Speaker 2: went away, but they were kind of just always there 306 00:19:56,280 --> 00:20:00,440 Speaker 2: at a lower frequency in the background. The way would 307 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:03,000 Speaker 2: I was talking to my therapist about it was when 308 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,119 Speaker 2: you have a fly buzzing around your house and you 309 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:09,200 Speaker 2: just can't quite catch it, and it's not that annoying, 310 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,560 Speaker 2: but it's still pretty annoying, and you just want to 311 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:13,720 Speaker 2: get rid of it. You just want to smash that fire. 312 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:16,919 Speaker 2: You just want to have that cathartic action. I know 313 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,080 Speaker 2: this is a common experience for a lot of other 314 00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:22,960 Speaker 2: people I've spoken to who are on these medications, and 315 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:26,120 Speaker 2: it's kind of like you're forced into this trade off. 316 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,439 Speaker 2: Do you want to be able to function and not 317 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:32,760 Speaker 2: be overwhelmed by anxiety or depressive thoughts, That's going to 318 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,160 Speaker 2: mean that sometimes you have to give up your ability 319 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:41,000 Speaker 2: to feel as deeply and as intensely as you previously have, 320 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:43,960 Speaker 2: and it's a decision that we need to make individually. 321 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,639 Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that it's not still difficult, and there 322 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:50,640 Speaker 2: aren't times when you really wish that you had access 323 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:55,280 Speaker 2: to all that emotion, your full range of sensitivity and feeling, 324 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:59,040 Speaker 2: and just that energy source that you can tap into. 325 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:03,480 Speaker 2: Speaking of medications for depression, we should also probably focus 326 00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:06,320 Speaker 2: on the impact of those conditions as well on our 327 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:09,159 Speaker 2: ability to cry. So I think one of the common 328 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:15,080 Speaker 2: misconceptions about being depressed is that you are constantly sobbing, 329 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:18,760 Speaker 2: You're constantly a pool of tears. Actually, sometimes you are 330 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:23,199 Speaker 2: so sad and forlorn you just can't cry. This is 331 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:27,040 Speaker 2: known as depression. With melancholia, you are completely and entirely 332 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:31,040 Speaker 2: numb to all your emotions. And in that flat, emotionless state, 333 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:34,160 Speaker 2: it's not that you just can't even feel the good things. 334 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:40,640 Speaker 2: You can't feel anything, sadness included, because nothing, not even 335 00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:43,960 Speaker 2: the bad things, the hard things, the painful things, have 336 00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:46,480 Speaker 2: meaning to you anymore. Now I would say this is 337 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:48,800 Speaker 2: super rare, but it does still occur, and it's worth 338 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:51,920 Speaker 2: going further with your investigation into this if you think 339 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:56,320 Speaker 2: it applies. This is obviously a significant change in how 340 00:21:56,359 --> 00:21:59,720 Speaker 2: we experience emotions, and therefore you will need to talk 341 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:02,320 Speaker 2: to it therapist because they're going to be able to 342 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:06,320 Speaker 2: really tell you a lot more about what creates this 343 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:10,800 Speaker 2: situation and kind of how to get out of this 344 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:15,719 Speaker 2: complete mental numbness and staleness. Now, let's move on and 345 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:19,520 Speaker 2: talk about the reason most people think of when it 346 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:22,520 Speaker 2: comes to an inability to cry. I saved it for last. 347 00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:27,679 Speaker 2: Emotional repression, the unconscious act of pushing down feelings that 348 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:31,679 Speaker 2: we see as dangerous or too much. People deal with 349 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:36,119 Speaker 2: emotions in different ways. We can respect that sadness, grief, anger, 350 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:39,359 Speaker 2: whatever it may be, heartbreak. They are not a one 351 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:45,399 Speaker 2: size fits all experience. Some people have a very expressive style. 352 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:50,200 Speaker 2: They cry very easily and frequently. Often these people are 353 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:55,160 Speaker 2: more sensitive, they have more empathy, or they've been socialized 354 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:57,800 Speaker 2: to be more accepting of tears and crying as a 355 00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:00,760 Speaker 2: way to manage emotions. It may they also come down 356 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:04,400 Speaker 2: to factors, like they sleepless, they have underlying depressive symptoms. 357 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:06,960 Speaker 2: Like we spoke about, all of these just make us 358 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:11,320 Speaker 2: more prone to crying sometimes for no reason. Other people, though, 359 00:23:11,359 --> 00:23:15,520 Speaker 2: are more repressed, and they find it really hard to cry. 360 00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:19,360 Speaker 2: And to express what's going on through this method. And 361 00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:22,760 Speaker 2: then there's this category of people who may intentionally suppress 362 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:27,480 Speaker 2: their emotions to avoid revealing to themselves, not just to others, 363 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:31,639 Speaker 2: what they're feeling. Frequently, with repressed emotions, you might not 364 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:35,440 Speaker 2: even realize you're unconsciously avoiding your feelings, which is why 365 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:38,199 Speaker 2: you might be confused by your inability to cry. That 366 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:41,800 Speaker 2: is because the origins of this inability happened a long 367 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:45,880 Speaker 2: time ago, often in the past, in our childhood experiences. 368 00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:49,639 Speaker 2: It could be the case that big displays of sadness, 369 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:53,640 Speaker 2: even happiness, were not accepted in your family or culture. 370 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:57,679 Speaker 2: They weren't seen as appropriate, and so when you have 371 00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:01,000 Speaker 2: the urge, you have been conditioned time and time again 372 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:05,919 Speaker 2: to suppress rather than feel. It may have been that 373 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:10,639 Speaker 2: every time you did cry you were expressing sensitivity towards 374 00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:13,159 Speaker 2: your emotions. You were punished for it, and so you 375 00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:18,720 Speaker 2: have begun to associate the need to feel with punishment 376 00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:22,560 Speaker 2: and pain and shame. We see this a lot with men. 377 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:27,760 Speaker 2: Society continuously tells them it's not manly or appropriate or 378 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:31,800 Speaker 2: how boys should behave, and so they internalize those external 379 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:35,480 Speaker 2: attitudes such that their threshold for what's you know, whatever 380 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:39,240 Speaker 2: demand's tears, it's much higher. And even when they really 381 00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:42,760 Speaker 2: you know, when things that really hard happen, they cannot 382 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:46,080 Speaker 2: get themselves into this state because they are so used 383 00:24:46,119 --> 00:24:50,439 Speaker 2: to suppressing this urge, and it carries a lot of shame. 384 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:54,680 Speaker 2: That also creates a disconnect between us and our emotions. 385 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:58,119 Speaker 2: I was lucky. I had a father who probably cries 386 00:24:58,160 --> 00:24:59,879 Speaker 2: more than my mother. But a lot of people do 387 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:04,160 Speaker 2: learn how to process their emotions from the parent who 388 00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:07,399 Speaker 2: is the same gender as them. I was really lucky. 389 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:10,640 Speaker 2: I feel like I grew up in a family who 390 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:15,360 Speaker 2: that was always accepted. There was a natural reaction to tears, 391 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:18,880 Speaker 2: and I sometimes feel quite sad for people who didn't 392 00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:22,240 Speaker 2: have this as an example, who weren't socialized and raised 393 00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:26,639 Speaker 2: in an environment of emotional acceptance. As I said before, 394 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:29,320 Speaker 2: we have the ability to cry for a reason to 395 00:25:29,359 --> 00:25:34,680 Speaker 2: provide release. Catharsis as a social cue to notice when 396 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:37,959 Speaker 2: people are upset, when they need our help. When you 397 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:41,760 Speaker 2: are forced to deprive yourself of some emotional function like crying, 398 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:46,800 Speaker 2: other things also tend to go off balance. There's suggestions 399 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:50,399 Speaker 2: that all that feeling goes elsewhere, and it's expressed in 400 00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:54,359 Speaker 2: more harmful ways, like through rage and anger because it 401 00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:57,399 Speaker 2: needs somewhere to go. And I think that's a lesson 402 00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:59,879 Speaker 2: to all of us. That's suppression and avoidance of emotion. 403 00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,879 Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that they don't exist, that they cease 404 00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:06,480 Speaker 2: to exist. They will find a way to come to 405 00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:09,320 Speaker 2: the surface. They will find a way to get your attention, 406 00:26:10,119 --> 00:26:13,280 Speaker 2: whether you want them to or not. So we've discussed 407 00:26:13,359 --> 00:26:17,159 Speaker 2: the main reasons for our inability to cry, but what 408 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:18,800 Speaker 2: do we actually do about it? We're not going to 409 00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:21,600 Speaker 2: leave it there. What is the way forward here? Is 410 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:23,960 Speaker 2: it to watch as many sad movies as possible or 411 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:29,520 Speaker 2: animal rescue videos and like wait until something clicks. Probably not. 412 00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:32,119 Speaker 2: When we're getting to the root of this, we actually 413 00:26:32,119 --> 00:26:34,959 Speaker 2: need to take a step back from the tears and 414 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:38,479 Speaker 2: look what's underneath. It all a disconnect with your deeper 415 00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:41,000 Speaker 2: emotional state. So we're going to talk about all of 416 00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:49,879 Speaker 2: that and more after this shortbreak. When it comes to 417 00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:53,640 Speaker 2: an inability to cry, the solution is not forcing yourself 418 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:57,040 Speaker 2: to cry by any means necessary. It's not like you 419 00:26:57,119 --> 00:26:59,120 Speaker 2: have a blocked a drain or a pipe and once 420 00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:02,840 Speaker 2: you remove the gun, everything will start flowing freely again. 421 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:06,440 Speaker 2: You know you're not a plumbing problem. The solution is 422 00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,680 Speaker 2: getting back in touch with what you're feeling. When you're 423 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:13,159 Speaker 2: feeling it. It's about a deeper emotional disconnect that we 424 00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:16,640 Speaker 2: need to heal. So let's talk about it. If you've 425 00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:19,280 Speaker 2: been through a few hard chapters recently, or you have 426 00:27:19,359 --> 00:27:22,320 Speaker 2: been once, as we said, you know, conditioned or socialized 427 00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:27,399 Speaker 2: to repress rather than express. Your ability to identify your 428 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:30,800 Speaker 2: emotions and what is bothering you has probably become a 429 00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:34,880 Speaker 2: little bit disorganized or broken. When we see emotions as 430 00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:37,760 Speaker 2: our captors or as a source of shame, or we 431 00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:40,800 Speaker 2: perceive them as being stronger than us, that is when 432 00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:43,040 Speaker 2: we have an incentive to not feel them at all, 433 00:27:43,119 --> 00:27:47,080 Speaker 2: and that results in that inability for expression and release. 434 00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:51,000 Speaker 2: To get past this, we can do a few things, 435 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,760 Speaker 2: and I'm going to talk about three strategies, in particular, 436 00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:58,000 Speaker 2: noticing your emotions in your body, talking to your friends 437 00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:02,800 Speaker 2: about their feelings, and finding a creative outlet. Paying attention 438 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:05,399 Speaker 2: to your body is so important when it comes to 439 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:09,359 Speaker 2: noticing and making peace with whatever is going on in 440 00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:14,800 Speaker 2: your mind. We feel emotions in the body. This has 441 00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:17,960 Speaker 2: been written about so much in the last few decades. 442 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:21,760 Speaker 2: Perhaps most notably in the book The Body Keeps the Score, 443 00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:25,400 Speaker 2: which mainly talks about how stress and trauma in particular 444 00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:28,920 Speaker 2: have a somatic form and a somatic impact. It causes 445 00:28:29,359 --> 00:28:34,040 Speaker 2: chronic pain, hormone imbalance, so much more. On a smaller scale, though, 446 00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:38,920 Speaker 2: every emotion we feel, we feel it through our neurons. Now, 447 00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:41,560 Speaker 2: a lot of us think that neurons are only found 448 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,640 Speaker 2: in the brain. It's a common misconception, but it's actually 449 00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:49,120 Speaker 2: not true. Neurons are found throughout the body outside of 450 00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:52,280 Speaker 2: the brain. They're known as sensory and motor neurons, and 451 00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:55,360 Speaker 2: our brain is in control of all of these. It 452 00:28:55,480 --> 00:28:59,280 Speaker 2: is the main communicator, It is the leader. The other 453 00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:02,000 Speaker 2: thing our brain is is in control of communicating with 454 00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:05,560 Speaker 2: is our emotions. And so there is this connection between 455 00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:08,720 Speaker 2: what we feel emotionally and what we feel physically because 456 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:11,160 Speaker 2: it is using a lot of the same pathways. A 457 00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:14,600 Speaker 2: lot of those pathways are connected. What that means is 458 00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:18,560 Speaker 2: that when we begin to use physical cues to notice 459 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:22,600 Speaker 2: and identify our feelings, we can really unlock a whole 460 00:29:22,640 --> 00:29:26,040 Speaker 2: new range of emotions and emotional recognition we didn't previously have. 461 00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:30,200 Speaker 2: For example, anger is often felt between the chest and 462 00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:33,560 Speaker 2: the head, Whilst fear is usually felt between the stomach 463 00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:36,840 Speaker 2: and the chest, sadness is felt in the face, in 464 00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:39,680 Speaker 2: the throat, even in our limbs it makes them heavy, 465 00:29:40,280 --> 00:29:44,480 Speaker 2: and emotional pain can really be felt all over. A 466 00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:47,200 Speaker 2: lot of us have become very disconnected from these signs 467 00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:50,320 Speaker 2: and emotional cues that are present in our limbs and 468 00:29:50,360 --> 00:29:53,720 Speaker 2: in our muscles and in our bones. If you're struggling 469 00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:57,720 Speaker 2: with emotional expression, tap into what you're feeling through a 470 00:29:57,760 --> 00:30:00,800 Speaker 2: body scan. And how you do that You focus on 471 00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:04,240 Speaker 2: each area of your body from your toes to the 472 00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:07,800 Speaker 2: top of your head, and you pay attention what is 473 00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:12,760 Speaker 2: causing you discomfort? Where is their heaviness or tightness, Where 474 00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:16,320 Speaker 2: is their pent up energy and excitement and like tingling? 475 00:30:16,800 --> 00:30:19,880 Speaker 2: And what is that trying to tell you? Those sensations 476 00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:22,560 Speaker 2: are not there by accident. That is your brain trying 477 00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:25,200 Speaker 2: to communicate something to you that you may have previously 478 00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:29,800 Speaker 2: stopped yourself from recognizing because you are trying to compartmentalize 479 00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:34,240 Speaker 2: and protect yourself. As you do that body scan, consciously 480 00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:39,000 Speaker 2: tense and then relax your muscles, particularly your face and 481 00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:42,240 Speaker 2: your shoulders. Now I sometimes do this when I'm trying 482 00:30:42,280 --> 00:30:44,720 Speaker 2: to fall asleep, and when I consciously turn my attention 483 00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:47,840 Speaker 2: to these parts of my body, it's really only then 484 00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:51,840 Speaker 2: that I realized just how much, just like tension and 485 00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:55,360 Speaker 2: like anxiety and stress, is being stored in those areas. 486 00:30:55,680 --> 00:30:57,760 Speaker 2: If you can, you should do it right now. Let 487 00:30:57,840 --> 00:31:02,640 Speaker 2: all of those muscles relate. Let all of that tension 488 00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:05,480 Speaker 2: in your shoulders go for a second, and then try 489 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:09,680 Speaker 2: it again. Let them go even looser, and try your forehead. 490 00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:12,280 Speaker 2: Drop it as low as you can. I'm literally doing 491 00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:15,160 Speaker 2: it as I'm speaking right now. Feel how your eyebrows 492 00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:19,440 Speaker 2: move closer to your eyes, Feel how everything around your 493 00:31:19,480 --> 00:31:22,280 Speaker 2: skull just seems to loosen. You might even get like 494 00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:25,960 Speaker 2: a little tingle. And can you notice just how much 495 00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:29,080 Speaker 2: better you feel? And can you also pay attention to 496 00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:31,880 Speaker 2: what's coming up for you? That is really the first 497 00:31:31,920 --> 00:31:36,040 Speaker 2: step in this process, observing and discerning how emotions are 498 00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:39,560 Speaker 2: sitting in your body and what different emotions feel like 499 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:44,120 Speaker 2: for you. Secondly, talk to your friends about their feelings. 500 00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:47,239 Speaker 2: When we are disconnected from our emotions, sometimes we no 501 00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:50,000 Speaker 2: longer have the words to explain what we're feeling. And 502 00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:53,680 Speaker 2: that's where talking to people you trust can be so helpful. 503 00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:56,280 Speaker 2: Not only do I think they give us a lot 504 00:31:56,280 --> 00:31:58,959 Speaker 2: of language for what we're going through, which I always 505 00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:02,800 Speaker 2: find super helpful. They also offer support and a place 506 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:07,440 Speaker 2: for vulnerability, a space for openness that maybe we just 507 00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:11,959 Speaker 2: haven't had before, We've never been permitted access to. I 508 00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:14,720 Speaker 2: think one of the crazy things that always comes up 509 00:32:14,760 --> 00:32:18,480 Speaker 2: for me is just this constant epiphany that you are 510 00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:22,480 Speaker 2: not the only one. Nothing is experienced in isolation. So 511 00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:25,360 Speaker 2: much of what we experience in our twenties and beyond 512 00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:30,200 Speaker 2: is universal, and it's made a lot easier with community 513 00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:34,160 Speaker 2: and support and someone who is going to sit across 514 00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:37,240 Speaker 2: from you and say, I'm witnessing your life, I see 515 00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:41,920 Speaker 2: what you're going through. That is really really hard. Hearing 516 00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:46,720 Speaker 2: someone else say that validates so much of what we're experiencing. 517 00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:51,960 Speaker 2: I have had that happen where just someone says like, 518 00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:55,040 Speaker 2: I'm so sorry, I can see that must be so painful, 519 00:32:55,720 --> 00:32:59,320 Speaker 2: and just that acknowledgment makes me burst into tears. I 520 00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:03,480 Speaker 2: think become curious about other people's emotions as well, ask questions, 521 00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:07,880 Speaker 2: listen other people crave to be heard as much as 522 00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:12,000 Speaker 2: you do, and in response, share your own feelings. You know, 523 00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:15,080 Speaker 2: as humans, we have this beautiful superpower that we can 524 00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:19,280 Speaker 2: connect through emotions and through vulnerability, And as we get 525 00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:21,720 Speaker 2: better at being vulnerable with other people, we get better 526 00:33:21,760 --> 00:33:25,480 Speaker 2: at being vulnerable with ourselves, having a sense of acceptance 527 00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:28,560 Speaker 2: that this is okay, this is normal, other people are 528 00:33:28,640 --> 00:33:31,400 Speaker 2: experiencing this. I am not defective, I am not faulty, 529 00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:34,280 Speaker 2: there is nothing wrong with me. And the tears might 530 00:33:34,320 --> 00:33:39,800 Speaker 2: not come instantly, but there is this increased level of 531 00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:45,360 Speaker 2: acceptance and this increased level of recognition for what you 532 00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:48,920 Speaker 2: are actually experiencing, and there's just this increased level of 533 00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:52,000 Speaker 2: just kindness in your life, which I think everyone can 534 00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:57,120 Speaker 2: really benefit from. Finally, look for an outlet, especially one 535 00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,960 Speaker 2: that is creative. There is no one way to feel. 536 00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:01,880 Speaker 2: I feel like I have mentioned that a million times 537 00:34:01,920 --> 00:34:04,600 Speaker 2: in this episode. There are so many other ways we 538 00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:08,239 Speaker 2: can channel what's happening in our bodies firstly, but also 539 00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:12,160 Speaker 2: in our minds into something that is tangible, and it 540 00:34:12,200 --> 00:34:16,600 Speaker 2: doesn't have to involve tears or crying. When that thing 541 00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:19,400 Speaker 2: that we choose to us is out as our outlet 542 00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:23,920 Speaker 2: is creative or physical, it also allows us to use 543 00:34:24,120 --> 00:34:27,400 Speaker 2: these parts of our brain that we may otherwise be 544 00:34:27,480 --> 00:34:30,759 Speaker 2: neglecting or just not using as much. It makes us 545 00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:35,400 Speaker 2: feel less inhibited. It freees parts of us that otherwise 546 00:34:35,760 --> 00:34:39,680 Speaker 2: have nowhere else to exist. That is the power of creativity. 547 00:34:40,080 --> 00:34:42,239 Speaker 2: And I've talked about this on the podcast before, but 548 00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:46,600 Speaker 2: after my first big breakup, I tried anything creative or 549 00:34:46,640 --> 00:34:49,120 Speaker 2: with my hands that I could. I did painting, I 550 00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:52,239 Speaker 2: did pottery. I even did weaving for a while. It's 551 00:34:52,280 --> 00:34:54,120 Speaker 2: not as fun as you think. It takes ages, but 552 00:34:54,600 --> 00:34:57,799 Speaker 2: it just felt like my brain was opening up and 553 00:34:57,880 --> 00:35:02,120 Speaker 2: noticing a whole new world, both extern and within. There 554 00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:05,040 Speaker 2: is a reason why art therapy is so popular because 555 00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:08,040 Speaker 2: we are finally waking up to the fact that doing 556 00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:12,879 Speaker 2: something purposeful and meaningful and artistic and creating something, rather 557 00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:15,520 Speaker 2: than always feeling like the world is taking things from us, 558 00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:19,880 Speaker 2: it helps us regulate what we're feeling. Our emotions are 559 00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:23,000 Speaker 2: a huge source of inspiration and they want a place 560 00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:25,800 Speaker 2: to go. They are looking for an outlet. And maybe 561 00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:28,680 Speaker 2: right now that's not crying for you. But I think 562 00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:31,560 Speaker 2: the more you the further you get in this process, 563 00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:34,600 Speaker 2: the more everything else seems to loosen up. If you 564 00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:37,000 Speaker 2: want some further evidence of this, as a really well 565 00:35:37,040 --> 00:35:41,320 Speaker 2: known UCL study that was conducted in part with BBC Arts, 566 00:35:42,120 --> 00:35:44,600 Speaker 2: and what they found was that when they gave people 567 00:35:44,640 --> 00:35:48,280 Speaker 2: the space to be creative, especially in response to big, large, 568 00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:51,919 Speaker 2: scary emotions, it didn't actually matter if they were even 569 00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:55,480 Speaker 2: objectively good at it. It was just the participation and 570 00:35:55,520 --> 00:36:00,640 Speaker 2: the act that counted. Make bad art express everything in anything, 571 00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:03,600 Speaker 2: and you will slowly see how your access to your 572 00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:06,799 Speaker 2: emotions becomes expanded because you begin to see them in 573 00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:09,920 Speaker 2: a positive light as a source of inspiration and motivation 574 00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:14,799 Speaker 2: and of creativity. Finally, I say this in a lot 575 00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:17,240 Speaker 2: of these episodes because I just think it's so true. 576 00:36:17,920 --> 00:36:22,120 Speaker 2: Be gentle with yourself. Imagine that the person sitting in 577 00:36:22,160 --> 00:36:24,320 Speaker 2: front of you, who is struggling with their emotions, with 578 00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:27,320 Speaker 2: their ability to cry, is five year old you. You 579 00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:29,760 Speaker 2: wouldn't yell at them, you wouldn't shame them, you wouldn't 580 00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:32,960 Speaker 2: get angry at them. I know it's frustrating. I know 581 00:36:33,120 --> 00:36:37,400 Speaker 2: sometimes we just long for that catharsis and release of 582 00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:40,480 Speaker 2: a good old fashioned cry. But you are not defective, 583 00:36:40,920 --> 00:36:43,560 Speaker 2: You are not faulty. You are not a psychopath, because 584 00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:46,319 Speaker 2: that isn't available to you at the moment. There are 585 00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:51,080 Speaker 2: so many reasons and very valid explanations for why this is, 586 00:36:51,719 --> 00:36:55,239 Speaker 2: but there are also so many ways through. You are 587 00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:59,359 Speaker 2: doing the best you can. You're probably managing a lot 588 00:36:59,400 --> 00:37:01,960 Speaker 2: in your life right now, and your brain is trying 589 00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:04,640 Speaker 2: to help you in some way. But I often find 590 00:37:04,680 --> 00:37:08,240 Speaker 2: when we finally get to a place of feeling emotionally 591 00:37:08,320 --> 00:37:13,480 Speaker 2: safe and secure, the tears will come. So thank you 592 00:37:13,520 --> 00:37:16,640 Speaker 2: so much for listening to today's episode. I hope you 593 00:37:16,760 --> 00:37:18,879 Speaker 2: got something out of it. I hope that you enjoyed it. 594 00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:22,440 Speaker 2: I hope that you learned something from my experience. You know, 595 00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:26,239 Speaker 2: that's always the mission with these episodes, is being like, 596 00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:30,399 Speaker 2: you know, your twenties feels super isolating. I'm there with you. 597 00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:32,640 Speaker 2: You're not alone. There are so many people who are 598 00:37:32,680 --> 00:37:36,439 Speaker 2: going through something similar. As always, if you did enjoy 599 00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:39,360 Speaker 2: this episode, please feel free to leave a five start 600 00:37:39,440 --> 00:37:43,279 Speaker 2: review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening. I 601 00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:45,880 Speaker 2: you know, I don't know if people really know this. 602 00:37:46,440 --> 00:37:48,600 Speaker 2: It's kind of just me running this podcast. I don't 603 00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:51,040 Speaker 2: really have like a huge team, so I'm still the 604 00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:53,719 Speaker 2: one who reads all of your messages and all of 605 00:37:53,760 --> 00:37:56,000 Speaker 2: your reviews and all of your comments, and it really 606 00:37:56,040 --> 00:37:59,240 Speaker 2: makes my day. So also, if you have an episode suggestion, 607 00:37:59,280 --> 00:38:01,240 Speaker 2: I say this at the end of every episode. Please 608 00:38:01,360 --> 00:38:05,000 Speaker 2: feel free to DM me at that Psychology podcast. I 609 00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:07,600 Speaker 2: would love to hear what you have in mind and 610 00:38:07,680 --> 00:38:09,440 Speaker 2: if you want to see what I'm doing in my 611 00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:12,000 Speaker 2: own life as a twenty something year old, feel free 612 00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:15,239 Speaker 2: to follow me at chemispeg on Instagram and we will 613 00:38:15,239 --> 00:38:19,879 Speaker 2: be back on Friday with a new episode. Until then, 614 00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:21,799 Speaker 2: stay safe and we will talk soon.