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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat,

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Speaker 1: I'm the host. And if you are new or you

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Speaker 1: were newer and you don't know what couch Talks is,

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Speaker 1: it is the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: that I put out every Wednesday where I answer questions

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Speaker 1: that listeners like yourself send to me at Katherine at

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Speaker 1: UNI Therapy podcast dot com. So just so you know,

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Speaker 1: anybody out there listening can send an email about any

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Speaker 1: question they have regarding mental health, maybe their own personal journey,

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Speaker 1: maybe a friend, maybe just a question in general. You

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Speaker 1: can send that to me and maybe one day it

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Speaker 1: will show up on the show. And to add some

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Speaker 1: extra cushion to the safety of that, all of the

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Speaker 1: emails remain anonymous on the show. I don't give out

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Speaker 1: the name even the first name of the person that sends,

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Speaker 1: so you can feel good about what you're sharing and

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Speaker 1: you know that what you share is going to be

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Speaker 1: could be anybody, could be any human in the world,

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Speaker 1: because send me out email now today before we get

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Speaker 1: into the question, usually answer one question. And also everybody's

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Speaker 1: favorite reminder that although I am answering your questions today.

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Speaker 1: And although this is a podcast called Unique Therapy, this

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Speaker 1: does not serve as a replacement or a substitute for

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Speaker 1: actual therapy or mental health services. Okay, so now we

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Speaker 1: can get into what I want to get into before

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Speaker 1: we get into the question. I hope that everybody out

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Speaker 1: there had the weekend they needed to have. I had

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Speaker 1: the weekend I needed to have, but it wasn't the

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Speaker 1: weekend that I was expecting or would have planned up

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Speaker 1: in my head. It was not a bad weekend by

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Speaker 1: any means, but on Saturday, I didn't really have a

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Speaker 1: lot of plans. I went and did some stuff with

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Speaker 1: my boyfriend when and played pickleball with some friends, and

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Speaker 1: then I had this whole afternoon and evening pretty free,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, Wow, this isn't happened in a

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Speaker 1: long time, and had this random thought that I wanted

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Speaker 1: to create this like tablescape situation. Really, I just wanted

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Speaker 1: to have a centerpiece for my kitchen table because I

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Speaker 1: have been having these thoughts that I want my house

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Speaker 1: to feel more homey, like there was, you know, some

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Speaker 1: thought put into the tour and it's decorated, but I

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Speaker 1: want it to feel more like connected versus like random

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Speaker 1: things just put there because I have it. So side note, decorating,

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Speaker 1: it's not my strong suit. I don't have the eye

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Speaker 1: to detail. I don't have the attention to detail that

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Speaker 1: you need. That stuff really stresses me out. But I

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Speaker 1: had seen some things on social media that I was like,

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I can do that. I can make that.

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Speaker 1: I just have to find these things. So I recruited

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Speaker 1: a friend and I said, I want to make this.

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Speaker 1: Let's go get the stuff to make it, thinking like

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Speaker 1: I can do this cheaper than going and just buying

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Speaker 1: this at a store already done. So we do all

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Speaker 1: the stuff. We go to a thrift store first to

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Speaker 1: buy some of the stuff that we could find in

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Speaker 1: a least less expensive way than we go to another store.

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Speaker 1: We get all the supplies and I get all these

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Speaker 1: ideas and I'm so excited, and I get a lot

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Speaker 1: of stuff, knowing that I'm not going to use it

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Speaker 1: all so return some of it. Well, then I get

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Speaker 1: home and I was so excited to get everything. I

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Speaker 1: started like taking tags off and this and that, and

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Speaker 1: my friend was like, hey, I think she probably said

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Speaker 1: it more than one time. Don't take the tags off yet,

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Speaker 1: because you want to put everything out and see if

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Speaker 1: you like it before you really just go full throttle.

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Speaker 1: But of course I was like, no, well looks great.

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Speaker 1: I love it. So I did all this, put the

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Speaker 1: centerpiece together, and then made this little flower arrangement in

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Speaker 1: this really pretty vase that my friend had gotten me

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Speaker 1: for my birthday that I wanted to use, and all

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Speaker 1: of a sudden, I get this overwhelming feeling that my

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Speaker 1: decor looked like something that would be in a nursing home.

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Speaker 1: And to give you a visual, I got those like

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Speaker 1: I don't know how to call what to call them.

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Speaker 1: They're like little like glass marble bead things, but they're

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Speaker 1: flat on the bottom. I got them to put in

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Speaker 1: the bottom of a vase to like keep the flowers there.

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Speaker 1: Which don't know why that's what I chose, but that's

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Speaker 1: what I in my head, that's what I needed to choose.

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Speaker 1: And I had these fake flowers in there. The flowers

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Speaker 1: looked a lot more fake than I thought they looked.

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Speaker 1: And I remember putting a vase on my bathroom counter

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, Okay, that doesn't look right. So I

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Speaker 1: leave and I come back and then I look at

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Speaker 1: it more and I kind of like tilt my head

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Speaker 1: and I have this thought that this doesn't look right

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Speaker 1: because this looks like something that would literally be in

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Speaker 1: a nursing home, which again no shade to the nursing

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Speaker 1: home to core, It's just not what I wanted my

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Speaker 1: house to look like. It would have looked beautiful in

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Speaker 1: a nursing home. And so I just have this moment

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Speaker 1: where I'm just I get so upset. I get so

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Speaker 1: overwhelmed because I'd spent all this money, and of course

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Speaker 1: I ripped the tags off of everything, even though my

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Speaker 1: friend told me not to, and I was just so

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Speaker 1: upset because one I was disappointed because I think I

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Speaker 1: thought that I couldn't make this really beautiful vision come

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Speaker 1: to life, and I was given this reality check that

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Speaker 1: didn't ask for that, Like, hey, this is not your

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Speaker 1: strong suit. Remember that. So even though you want to

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Speaker 1: do this DIY thing, or you to find the less

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Speaker 1: expensive way to do this, sometimes it's just better to

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Speaker 1: let somebody else do it that's more apt doing that.

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Speaker 1: And I have plenty of data to support this. I've

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Speaker 1: tried many art projects that I have found online that

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Speaker 1: did not come to fruition and wasn't. I it doesn't

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Speaker 1: bother me because I don't spend a lot of money

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Speaker 1: on it. But I spent a lot of money, not

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Speaker 1: like a ton, but way more than I wanted to.

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Speaker 1: I could, honestly, for the money that I s mont,

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Speaker 1: I could have just bought the nice centerpiece, but I didn't.

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Speaker 1: And anyway, so I had this moment. I had this like,

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Speaker 1: oh my gosh, like wait a second, do I not

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Speaker 1: have good taste? Like I really had the moment I

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Speaker 1: was questioning if like the rest of my house is

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Speaker 1: ugly because I picked this stuff out and it was ugly,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, wait a second, are I close ugly?

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Speaker 1: I just had a moment. I obviously overreacted. I just

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Speaker 1: got overwhelmed by I think, really my disappointment because I

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Speaker 1: was so excited to do it. And I tell this story.

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Speaker 1: You're probably like, Okay, you are bad at decorating your house.

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Speaker 1: What's the point. Well, I tell this story because that

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Speaker 1: I learned a couple lessons in this experience, and it

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Speaker 1: brings me back to the Bagel Moments, that series that

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Speaker 1: I still want to start. If you guys want to

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Speaker 1: send me your Bagel Moments where it started with a story.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if everybody listening probably hasn't heard the story,

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Speaker 1: but I had to experience this year where it was

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Speaker 1: the first of the year actually, where I cried over

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Speaker 1: a bagel, and I learned a lesson through that experience.

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Speaker 1: And it wasn't about the bagel. It was obviously about

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Speaker 1: something else. And one of the questions that I challenged

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Speaker 1: myself to continue to ask myself when I'm faced with

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Speaker 1: these disappointments that caused some emotion is to ask myself

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Speaker 1: the question what does this make possible? Which I did

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Speaker 1: not do in the bagel moment, and in this moment, first,

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Speaker 1: I did not do it. If you're one of my

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Speaker 1: friends and you're listening, you're like, you did not ask

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Speaker 1: yourself that question why you're having your mental breakdown when

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Speaker 1: you first realized that all of the stuff that you

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Speaker 1: bought was ugly. But the next day, I will say

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Speaker 1: I didn't necessarily cry over this one, so it's some growth.

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Speaker 1: For the next day, I did actually have some of

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Speaker 1: that what does this make possible? Come to light. I

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Speaker 1: woke up still disappointed, and then I started thinking, wait

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Speaker 1: a second, I've been talking about how I want to

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Speaker 1: decorate the front porch of my office, and I need

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Speaker 1: a new spring wreath for the office front door, and

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Speaker 1: I realized, oh my gosh, that stuff doesn't work in

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Speaker 1: my house, but if I arrange it. And I actually

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Speaker 1: had these pots on my front porch that I also

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Speaker 1: was like, I want to use these, but I don't

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Speaker 1: know what to put in them. So I realized, oh

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Speaker 1: my gosh, if I arrange this and these pots in

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Speaker 1: this way, that actually would work at my office even

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Speaker 1: though it doesn't work here. And then I also really

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Speaker 1: became face to face with this lesson that I think

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Speaker 1: the world is continuing to try to teach me that

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Speaker 1: I need to incorporate more patients and slow down a

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Speaker 1: little bit more and savor experiences versus bust through them.

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Speaker 1: Because I got home and I just wanted to bust

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Speaker 1: through having this beautiful centerpiece. I was cutting off the

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Speaker 1: ends of these flowers before I knew if I liked them,

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Speaker 1: I was taking the tags off. I was doing this,

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Speaker 1: and if I would have just slowed down, kind of

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Speaker 1: put things together, see if I liked it, looked at

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Speaker 1: it from afar, taken a moment, gone back to it,

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Speaker 1: I probably would have realized this isn't actually not what

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Speaker 1: I was thinking, And I could have packaged everything up

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Speaker 1: and taken it home, or not taken it home, taking

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Speaker 1: it back to where it belonged, its original home, the

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Speaker 1: store it came from. And so it was a really nice,

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Speaker 1: low stakes way nobody got hurt for me to learn

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Speaker 1: that it's really important in this season of my life

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Speaker 1: to slow down. So I shared that long winded story

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Speaker 1: just to give you guys another example of how this

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Speaker 1: question what does this make possible? Can really help us

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Speaker 1: when we are faced with disappointments and let downs and

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Speaker 1: experiences that didn't go as planned, And it makes possible

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Speaker 1: for me the next time I do something like that,

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Speaker 1: I'm probably going to have a better experience because I'm

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Speaker 1: going to enter it with caution, I'm going to be excited,

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Speaker 1: and also not bust through the door. I'm going to

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Speaker 1: open the door and walk through. And also I put

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Speaker 1: off stuff in my office way more than I put

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Speaker 1: off stuff from my house, and so it allowed me

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Speaker 1: to start decorating the front porch of my office when

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Speaker 1: I probably would have waited to the middle of summer

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Speaker 1: to really put some stuff out there. So there you

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Speaker 1: have it. That's my own bagel chronicle. Again, if you

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Speaker 1: guys have more, I love to share some of them

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Speaker 1: on couch Talks, maybe once a month, so send them

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Speaker 1: into me and if you do, I'll just keep sharing

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Speaker 1: mine because it's always a good reminder to be hit

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Speaker 1: with that question, what does this make possible? Now that

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Speaker 1: we have that done, let's move to the question of

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Speaker 1: this week again, always keep these questions anonymous. So I'm

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Speaker 1: going to read this from our listener and then we're

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Speaker 1: going to talk about it, and hopefully a lot of

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Speaker 1: you can take something from this humans experience, who is

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Speaker 1: so gracious and kind to share what she's going through

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Speaker 1: with us. So here it is. I'm a little behind

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Speaker 1: on the podcast, but I just listened to the difference

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Speaker 1: between therapy and TV therapy. Something that was said on

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Speaker 1: that episode got me thinking. Tara was talking around minute

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Speaker 1: ten about how if all a therapist is doing is

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Speaker 1: making noises and nodding and then asking how does that

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Speaker 1: make you feel? Giving no information and so on, this

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Speaker 1: is really what TV therapy looks like and not real therapy.

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Speaker 1: She then went on to say that if someone's therapist

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Speaker 1: is doing this, hopefully it isn't the only thing happening,

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Speaker 1: and there may be some skills lacking if so. This

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Speaker 1: got me thinking a lot about my current therapist. I

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Speaker 1: have been seeing my therapist for a little over a year.

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Speaker 1: At first, it was to deal with my anxiety, depression,

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Speaker 1: and life changes I was dealing with at the time. However,

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Speaker 1: I feel now she's no longer meeting my needs. I

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Speaker 1: have recently been showing signs of PTSD and I do

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Speaker 1: not feel like she is helping. I am thankful she

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Speaker 1: is there to listen, but she's not offering me any

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Speaker 1: tools to help with this difficult time. I understand that

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Speaker 1: this might not be her area of expertise. I appreciate

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Speaker 1: her and what she's done in the past to help

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Speaker 1: me get out of the difficulties of anxiety and depression,

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Speaker 1: but now I feel like I'm facing this uphill battle

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Speaker 1: alone and she simply nods her head, offering no help.

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Speaker 1: How do I go about handling this. I do not

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Speaker 1: want to hurt her feelings or, for lack of a

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Speaker 1: better word, insult her professional skills, but I know I

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Speaker 1: need to work through this and be given tools to

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Speaker 1: deal with this. Recently, I had a flashback. Luckily, I

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Speaker 1: was at my house and my husband was there to

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Speaker 1: help as much as he could, But had this happened

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Speaker 1: while he was not around, I'm not sure it would

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Speaker 1: have ended well. A few tools she has offered me

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Speaker 1: in the past help on a minimal level. I don't

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Speaker 1: know if I should break up with her or ask

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Speaker 1: for more help from her, or find a second therapist.

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Speaker 1: I'm hoping maybe you can talk about what you would

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Speaker 1: do in this situation. Thank you for sharing that. Something

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Speaker 1: that I think a lot of people experience in their

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Speaker 1: experience in therapy is I go to a therapist and

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Speaker 1: she's really helpful in one area, and this other thing

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Speaker 1: pops up, and I don't know if she's just helpful

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Speaker 1: in that area, So what do I do. My initial

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Speaker 1: thought is, before you abort the mission, we really need

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Speaker 1: more information. It is true that a therapist can be,

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Speaker 1: like I said, really good for a specific thing or

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Speaker 1: a period of time, and then not very helpful with

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Speaker 1: a different issue. Because we as therapists are not all knowing,

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Speaker 1: we're not experts in every area of mental health. I

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Speaker 1: don't think that's a bad thing. I don't think that's

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Speaker 1: insulting to any therapists. It's just a fact we can't

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Speaker 1: be great at every single mental health issue in the world,

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Speaker 1: with every single personality of person out there, And that

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Speaker 1: just makes sense to me. So it would make sense

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Speaker 1: that your therapist was the right fit for your initial needs.

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Speaker 1: But maybe you both outgree each other in some ways.

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Speaker 1: But again, we need some more information, so before we

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Speaker 1: assume that that's the case, I would encourage you to

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Speaker 1: talk about this with her. I personally don't know the

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Speaker 1: details of what your sessions have been like or if

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Speaker 1: you have already done this and it felt like it

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Speaker 1: just went unnoticed. But if you are experiencing symptoms of PTSD,

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Speaker 1: I would want you, if you are my client, to say, Hey,

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Speaker 1: I think these things are happening. I'm experiencing these new symptoms.

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Speaker 1: I don't really know what they're from. They feel like

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Speaker 1: they might have something to do with PTSD, and I

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Speaker 1: want to know what you think and is there's something

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Speaker 1: that we can do to help this, something that I

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Speaker 1: can learn or we can work on to help me

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Speaker 1: deal with some of these things. And I say that

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Speaker 1: because we can't as therapists know what we don't know.

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Speaker 1: So if we don't know and you don't tell us

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Speaker 1: about what's going on at home or at work or

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Speaker 1: within friendships. We can only know the information that you're

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Speaker 1: giving us about your life and your experiences. And like

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Speaker 1: I said, maybe you've done that and you feel like

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Speaker 1: it's being unnoticed or it's just being ignored. But I

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Speaker 1: would wonder if you haven't just blatantly said that, how

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Speaker 1: that would turn out, and how that might change your

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Speaker 1: therapists direction. And if it does feel like you've been

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Speaker 1: saying this and you've been telling your things that that

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Speaker 1: should spark an alarm. I just would wonder what it

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Speaker 1: would be like to share basically what you shared with

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Speaker 1: me with her, and that could be done in a

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Speaker 1: number of different ways. It might sound like, Hey, you've

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Speaker 1: been so helpful to me, and I'm grateful for our

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Speaker 1: time together. However, more recently, I've been going through some

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Speaker 1: different stuff than what I came in here wanting to

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Speaker 1: work through. In the recent flashback that I had really

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Speaker 1: scared me, and I can't help but wonder what would

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Speaker 1: have happened if my husband was not around. And I

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Speaker 1: want to feel more confident that I would have some

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Speaker 1: tools to be able to move through those difficult times.

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Speaker 1: And sometimes in here I feel like my current concerns

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Speaker 1: like some of these symptoms or my flashback are going

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Speaker 1: kind of unnoticed and I really need help right now,

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Speaker 1: specifically with developing tools in this area or coping skills

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Speaker 1: in this area so I can feel more safe. So

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Speaker 1: I wanted to know if this is something that we

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Speaker 1: both can work on together, or do you think I

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Speaker 1: need to find a therapist that's more specialized in this area,

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Speaker 1: and if so, is there one that you might recommend.

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Speaker 1: And I want to address the part where you said

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Speaker 1: you don't want to insult her or basically make her

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Speaker 1: feel bad any of that. It's important to remember as

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Speaker 1: client in therapy that therapists are there to help you

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Speaker 1: and not vice versa. So you can care about how

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Speaker 1: we feel. I think that's important. That's part of the

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Speaker 1: human experience to have offer care towards the people around us.

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Speaker 1: But you can care about how your therapist feels without

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Speaker 1: making it your responsibility. So if a therapist is hurt

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Speaker 1: or offended by you sharing your experience in therapy, well

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Speaker 1: she can go to therapy to process that on her own.

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Speaker 1: It isn't your fault, it isn't your responsibility. And the

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Speaker 1: truth is humans, any human cannot control how another human feels.

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Speaker 1: So you can't make her feel bad about herself. You

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Speaker 1: can't make her feel like she isn't good at her job.

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Speaker 1: You can't make that happen. She might have an experience

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Speaker 1: based on herself, or she might have an opposite experience

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Speaker 1: then you would expect. So there's nothing wrong with sharing

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Speaker 1: what you feel and asking for help in a therapy session.

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Speaker 1: If a therapist isn't providing a space for you to

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Speaker 1: do that in therapy, then that's not really on you.

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Speaker 1: That is not your job to field and to control

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Speaker 1: and care for other people while you are in therapy yourself.

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Speaker 1: And also, this conversation could offer up a dialogue, an

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Speaker 1: important one that might help just as much as developing

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Speaker 1: some of these coping tools and skills, and might unlock

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Speaker 1: a behavior that you didn't know you were doing with people.

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Speaker 1: And it might be really helpful for you to hear

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Speaker 1: your therapist perspective on the experience you're having. We could

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Speaker 1: be making assumptions about her that are not true, and

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Speaker 1: this conversation could allow you the one that you hopefully

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Speaker 1: will have in the future. It might allow you to

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Speaker 1: see something that maybe you've blocked by your feelings and

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Speaker 1: thoughts about your personal experience. So all in all, I

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Speaker 1: think we can't know if you need a new therapist

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Speaker 1: until you talk to your current one. And you always

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Speaker 1: have the power to find a new therapist, but before

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Speaker 1: you do that, I would encourage you to gather some

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Speaker 1: more information to see if that is really what you

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Speaker 1: need or who knows that might be a survival skill

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Speaker 1: to like jump and run, that might be a survival

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Speaker 1: that you've learned in your past to help you cope

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Speaker 1: with feeling unheard or let down or disappointed. Also, you

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Speaker 1: could have this convo and it goes well, and you

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Speaker 1: think she hears you, and you're like, oh, great, this

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Speaker 1: is going to turn out how I needed to turn out,

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Speaker 1: and then it ends up she hears you, and she

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Speaker 1: goes back to her normal just nodding and smiling. I

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Speaker 1: think then at that point you could confidently say I

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Speaker 1: might want to find somebody who's more direct with what

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Speaker 1: I'm needing right now. So there's a time and a

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Speaker 1: place for the nod and the smile and the listening.

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Speaker 1: Ear that is a part of therapy. I want everybody

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Speaker 1: to hear that. Terry even said that an episode. It's

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Speaker 1: a part of it, but it's not the whole thing,

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Speaker 1: and there should be more at some point, and more

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Speaker 1: can look a lot of different ways. It doesn't have

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Speaker 1: to look like giving direct feedback, it doesn't have to

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Speaker 1: look like a certain exercise. But there should be at

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Speaker 1: some point more to therapy than just a caring smile

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Speaker 1: and nod. So I hope that was helpful, and I

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Speaker 1: hope that was helpful for anybody who might be feeling

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Speaker 1: on her or just confused in their own process as

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Speaker 1: a therapy goer. I also just want to put a

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Speaker 1: little disclaimer out there for the therapists of the world.

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Speaker 1: Therapists aren't perfect, so sometimes they might not show up

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Speaker 1: in that session the exact way that you need them

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Speaker 1: to show up. Maybe they had a bad day, or

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Speaker 1: maybe they got stuck on something that really wasn't that important. Therapist,

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Speaker 1: just like any other job, sometimes we just have a

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Speaker 1: bad day. And that's part of working with a human

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Speaker 1: and not a robot, and that's also allowed to be

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Speaker 1: part of therapy as well. I've had clients that have asked, hey,

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Speaker 1: like last week, you seem to kind of offer you okay,

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Speaker 1: and rather than me dive into my own personal story,

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Speaker 1: it is really helpful to hear. Okay, tell me about

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Speaker 1: what that was like for you. What did you notice?

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Speaker 1: What was bothersome? And let's talk through that. And maybe

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Speaker 1: I was having a bad day and I can say,

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Speaker 1: you know what, I was struggling, and that's on me.

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Speaker 1: I should have said today's not the day, or I

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Speaker 1: should have called it out, and I wasn't in a

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Speaker 1: space to do that, and so I apologize, and what

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Speaker 1: do you need for me to make it better? Those

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Speaker 1: are therapeutic things like that is therapy in itself to

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Speaker 1: speak your experience and allow that to be okay and

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Speaker 1: then also give space for a repair of a relationship.

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Speaker 1: That's literally how I say. I don't know how often

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Speaker 1: I say on the podcast. I say it to clients

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Speaker 1: a lot. That therapy is supposed to be like a

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Speaker 1: safe experiment of how we want you to go out

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Speaker 1: and live in the real world. So you get to

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Speaker 1: do whatever. Here a mess up which gets to be

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Speaker 1: a little wonky, and then once we feel like oh

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Speaker 1: I can do this, you move out and you do

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Speaker 1: that in the world and it's ever perfect. But that's

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Speaker 1: the beauty of being a human. You're never going to

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Speaker 1: be perfect. So there's always going to be those little moments.

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Speaker 1: So thank you for writing and sending your question. Like

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Speaker 1: I said before, if you guys have questions, send them

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Speaker 1: to me. Catherine Att. You need therapy podcast dot com.

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Speaker 1: If you have your bagel story, send that to me.

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Speaker 1: If not, I will continue to share my bagel stories,

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Speaker 1: my Bagel chronicles. Then hopefully they continue to help. I

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Speaker 1: hope that you guys have the week you need to have,

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Speaker 1: have the bagel moment you need to have, and have

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Speaker 1: the conversation and therapy that you need to have. I

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Speaker 1: will be back with you for part two on our

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Speaker 1: four Horsemen series. I'm so excited about this series. I'm

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Speaker 1: having a lot of fun doing it because I just think,

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Speaker 1: like I said in the episode on Monday, so simple

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Speaker 1: yet so helpful. We will be talking about contempt, which

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Speaker 1: is a very important one. So until then, keep having

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Speaker 1: the moments that you need to have. Bye, guys,