WEBVTT - Tarot, Cults + Body Counts with Christina Ricci

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<v Speaker 1>Hi Catherine, Hi, oh everyone.

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<v Speaker 2>This is our first episode that we're recording since the election.

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<v Speaker 1>So that didn't really go the way we wanted it to.

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<v Speaker 2>No, it did not come and people are very, very down,

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<v Speaker 2>and I have have been sifting through my dms with

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<v Speaker 2>lots of messages of fear and defeat and people who

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<v Speaker 2>want to give up, and that's kind of just what

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<v Speaker 2>they want, you know, they want us to give up.

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<v Speaker 2>So while we have to lick our wounds and realize

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<v Speaker 2>that this didn't go our way and all of the

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<v Speaker 2>reasons it didn't go our way, I think one of

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<v Speaker 2>the most important things to remember is to activate and

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<v Speaker 2>to actually turn and channel that anger and that rage

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<v Speaker 2>into something powerful, like we did in twenty sixteen when

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<v Speaker 2>this happened, and when we had the Midterns two years later.

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<v Speaker 2>It was because so many people activated and organized and

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<v Speaker 2>got involved. And while that may feel like a big,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, hopeless idea, it matters and it makes a difference.

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<v Speaker 2>And it's been proven time and time again to make

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<v Speaker 2>a difference. Getting involved in politics, getting involved with local groups,

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<v Speaker 2>support groups if you need a support group, instruction like

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<v Speaker 2>places like ACLU who are constantly fighting legal battles and

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<v Speaker 2>have been preparing to fight legal battles against this administration.

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<v Speaker 2>That's one good source. But we are going to do

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<v Speaker 2>We have many episodes. Now we're going to do a

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<v Speaker 2>miniso that will come out tomorrow with all sorts of

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<v Speaker 2>resources for you guys, so that you can actually join

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<v Speaker 2>a group, donate to a group, go and volunteer for

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<v Speaker 2>these group all of the groups that are fighting for

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<v Speaker 2>LGBTQ rights that we are very well aware of, human rights,

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<v Speaker 2>immigrants rights, all of these groups that are here doing

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<v Speaker 2>work on the ground. We are going to put together

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<v Speaker 2>a big list of places that are reliable and have

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<v Speaker 2>avenues for you to actually get involved and start making

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<v Speaker 2>a difference. Because we can't just lie down and take

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<v Speaker 2>it and just say, well, they're going to do what

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<v Speaker 2>they're going to do. There are ways to delay what

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<v Speaker 2>doing what they want to do. There are ways to

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<v Speaker 2>get involved, and there are good things that have come

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<v Speaker 2>out of the election.

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<v Speaker 1>Even though this feels very very dark. I'm with you.

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<v Speaker 2>I just spent the whole weekend doing stand up which

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<v Speaker 2>thank god I had to do that because it served.

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<v Speaker 1>As not only a reprieve for hopefully my audience.

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<v Speaker 2>But for me I mean, it made me forget about

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<v Speaker 2>all of this for at least an hour. And I'm

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<v Speaker 2>with you. I understand how dark it is and how

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<v Speaker 2>it can feel hopeless, but that energy doesn't get us anywhere.

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<v Speaker 2>Hopelessness and giving up and defeatism doesn't get us anywhere.

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<v Speaker 1>So we really have to work.

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<v Speaker 2>Together in community, knowing that there is half of this

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<v Speaker 2>country that feels the same way we do. There is

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<v Speaker 2>half this country that wants to protect all of these rights,

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<v Speaker 2>and probably more than half. You know, a lot of

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<v Speaker 2>people just voted because of their They voted because of

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<v Speaker 2>their pocketbooks, and some people are voting for their fucking lives.

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<v Speaker 2>So it would be nice if everyone was on board

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<v Speaker 2>with humanity. But clearly with all this divisiveness and the

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<v Speaker 2>ugliness of Elon Musk and his whatever he did with

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<v Speaker 2>Russia for this election, Like, I don't even want to

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<v Speaker 2>go down that rabbit hole because I don't like, I mean,

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<v Speaker 2>you go online if you even mention it. I mean,

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<v Speaker 2>there's so many conspiracy.

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<v Speaker 1>Theories out there.

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<v Speaker 2>It's just so gross and uneducated and stupid.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, and the algorithms are so dangerous.

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<v Speaker 1>Sense.

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<v Speaker 3>It's like I've seen people that I love who are brilliant,

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<v Speaker 3>who are discerning, who are politically savvy, and even they

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<v Speaker 3>are getting like sucked down these weird YouTube rabbit holes.

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<v Speaker 3>And I'm like, where are you getting this rhetoric from?

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<v Speaker 2>I know, and it's they're everywhere. It's permeating everywhere. And

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<v Speaker 2>that's Russia for sure, because that's what they and that's

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<v Speaker 2>what Elon Musk did you know when he bought Twitter,

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<v Speaker 2>that was with this intention to do this, which is

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<v Speaker 2>exactly you know, he was victorious. So it's like we

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<v Speaker 2>have to you know, we have to not lie down and.

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<v Speaker 3>Let this roll over on us.

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<v Speaker 1>So I don't know what the answers are.

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<v Speaker 2>I feel everyone's pain, and I've responded to probably thousands

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<v Speaker 2>of dms, but I will continue to go through them

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<v Speaker 2>and respond to more, just trying to convey some sort

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<v Speaker 2>of comfort and understanding that we can't be paralyzed by this.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah. I saw so many people saying, you know, this week,

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<v Speaker 3>we're going to take our time to more and we're

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<v Speaker 3>going to take our time to wallow, and like next

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<v Speaker 3>week we get up and we start fighting. And I

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<v Speaker 3>think like we've taken our time and now we get brave,

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<v Speaker 3>you know, we start getting active too.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, And if you're in Texas and you're feeling lonely

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<v Speaker 2>and dispirited, I will be coming through there this week

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<v Speaker 2>to Austin, Houston, Dallas, going to sugar Land Friday, Saturday, Sunday, actually,

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<v Speaker 2>so I'll see you guys there and I'll pump you

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<v Speaker 2>up for the night and and we'll just take it

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<v Speaker 2>one day at a time, you know. But just remember,

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<v Speaker 2>whoever you are and however hopeless you feel, you are

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<v Speaker 2>not alone. There are so many millions of people that

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<v Speaker 2>are feeling the same way you are. So I would

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<v Speaker 2>really encourage people who are feeling very insulated or insular

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<v Speaker 2>like and they don't have community around them, I would

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<v Speaker 2>really encourage you to join support groups. Go online, look

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<v Speaker 2>for LGBTQ support groups, look for people who are worried

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<v Speaker 2>about their family members being deported. There are support groups

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<v Speaker 2>for everything, and I would really encourage you to try

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<v Speaker 2>and find a group like that, you know, to seek

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<v Speaker 2>out support. And now we have an interview with one

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<v Speaker 2>of the only celebrities I don't think I've ever met

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<v Speaker 2>in my entire life, and not the only one, but

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<v Speaker 2>one of them who I would have thought I had

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<v Speaker 2>met before, but I haven't, and she's been in so

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<v Speaker 2>many of my childhood memory making core memory movies like Mermaids.

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<v Speaker 2>You probably know are most recently from Yellowjackets. Please welcome

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<v Speaker 2>Christina Ricci. Hi, Christina Ricci.

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<v Speaker 4>Oh my gosh, I'm really excited to be here.

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<v Speaker 5>I've been such a fan of yours and we've never

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<v Speaker 5>I've never community.

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<v Speaker 2>Yet, I said earlier. I'm like, I don't think i've

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<v Speaker 2>met you, But then again, I don't remember, because sometimes

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<v Speaker 2>I've interviewed somebody and completely forgotten. Yeah, you have no

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<v Speaker 2>reason for.

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<v Speaker 5>Do people get really upset when you've interviewed them.

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<v Speaker 2>I forgot. Typically it's not a great it's not a

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<v Speaker 2>great look. But I'd rather be honest. And I mean,

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<v Speaker 2>I've been to you like fifty thousand people.

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<v Speaker 1>It's true.

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<v Speaker 4>I mean, it's justifying to understanding.

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<v Speaker 2>But now as I'm looking at your face, I'm like, oh,

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<v Speaker 2>because obviously I've known you for as long as everybody

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<v Speaker 2>else in this world has. I'm older than you, I'm

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<v Speaker 2>five years older than you, and so I grew up

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<v Speaker 2>with you, and so you are a familiar face to me.

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<v Speaker 2>But as I'm looking at you in person, I realize.

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<v Speaker 1>I've never met you.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, we haven't met No.

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<v Speaker 2>But first of all, this is the most exciting part, well,

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<v Speaker 2>not the most exciting part, but one of the most

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<v Speaker 2>exciting part is that Christina is here today because she

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<v Speaker 2>is releasing a tarot card collection, which is very unexpected

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<v Speaker 2>but also kind of right on track for your brand.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, and it's weird for me too, because I love Taro.

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<v Speaker 4>I've always thought it was.

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<v Speaker 5>I'm not one of those people who like fully buys

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<v Speaker 5>into anything, really like, I don't really believe in anything,

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<v Speaker 5>So I don't believe in the like mystical aspects of this,

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<v Speaker 5>but I really love it for like self expiration, it

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<v Speaker 5>postes lots of questions, So it's a funny thing for

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<v Speaker 5>me to put out because you would think, like I'm

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<v Speaker 5>putting out a tarot deck, I must believe in fate, which.

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<v Speaker 4>Yes, and I really don't.

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<v Speaker 5>I believe more like we're totally in control of ourselves.

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<v Speaker 5>If we ask ourselves the right questions, we can you know,

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<v Speaker 5>see situations fully and understand where we're going. And that's

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<v Speaker 5>really what Tara is. You know.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, I'm glad you said that pre amble because sometimes

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<v Speaker 2>when people think you were talking about tarot cards.

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<v Speaker 1>They think you're like out to lunch.

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<v Speaker 4>Yes, I used to Barley Nobles.

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<v Speaker 5>I would ask for the crazy Lady section when I

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<v Speaker 5>was going to get my you know, birthday book. Remember,

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<v Speaker 5>you'd have to like immediately go find out what his

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<v Speaker 5>birthday was.

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<v Speaker 4>And they're like, you gotta get the birthday book.

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<v Speaker 2>And then you start by by the way, when you

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<v Speaker 2>go to the birthday book and you look at the

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<v Speaker 2>guy that you're dating, and you look at you, and

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<v Speaker 2>then you go to any random guy, any other birthday,

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<v Speaker 2>and it also aligns like they never once said this

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<v Speaker 2>is a bad match.

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<v Speaker 4>There's always too many.

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<v Speaker 1>There are a few, but.

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<v Speaker 2>I think this tarot I'm looking through the tarot cards now,

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<v Speaker 2>now did you design these?

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<v Speaker 4>No?

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<v Speaker 5>So it was so my husband and I came up

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<v Speaker 5>with this idea and he's the creative director.

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<v Speaker 4>Well here's the idea. The idea basically is that they're

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<v Speaker 4>all me just like.

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<v Speaker 5>An individual has a million different facets and potentialities and

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<v Speaker 5>versions of themselves. So my husband's creative directing it. And

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<v Speaker 5>we found this amazing artist, Felipe Flores, and he did

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<v Speaker 5>all the artwork and came up like all the cards

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<v Speaker 5>have little like two sentenced stories, backstories for the characters

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<v Speaker 5>that then are metaphors for the theme or question that's

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<v Speaker 5>being posed.

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<v Speaker 2>This is very good for Christmas, you guys. This is

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<v Speaker 2>good for your family Christmas.

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<v Speaker 5>So west em One too with a collectible set that

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<v Speaker 5>comes with like a tray and a muss smudging thing

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<v Speaker 5>and candles smudging.

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<v Speaker 1>What kind of smudging that we're talking about.

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<v Speaker 3>I had to smudge your house.

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<v Speaker 1>Energy just smudge my house once a week. It's called

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<v Speaker 1>Cat Full of Spiders.

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<v Speaker 2>It's a tarot deck with a guidebook, you guys, and

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<v Speaker 2>it's from Christian to Ricci because you know what, I

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<v Speaker 2>was looking at your history of all of the movies

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<v Speaker 2>that you've ever been in, and most of them are

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<v Speaker 2>pretty scary, like most of them, well not scary, but

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<v Speaker 2>you are.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, you play spooky like that's kind of You're.

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<v Speaker 5>The ones that have stood out. I've made a lot

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<v Speaker 5>of ones and nobody ever paid anything.

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<v Speaker 4>I mean, there was not scary.

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<v Speaker 2>Well like Mermaid wasn't scary, that was not but a

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<v Speaker 2>lot of your roles are spooky scary, and I was like, yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>that's interesting for a woman.

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<v Speaker 5>Yeah, I mean, you know, I've always been somebody who

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<v Speaker 5>I just like, can't be normal.

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<v Speaker 4>So I can't be in romantic comedies.

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<v Speaker 1>Why do you think you can't be normal?

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<v Speaker 5>If I say I love you on camera, it's not believable.

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<v Speaker 5>It is not you don't believe me for a second.

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<v Speaker 5>I also can't be in horror films where I have

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<v Speaker 5>to be afraid, Like I don't. I'm not convincingly fearful.

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<v Speaker 4>Even though I spend my life in fear. For some reason,

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<v Speaker 4>I can't convey that on screen.

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<v Speaker 1>So do you know that though?

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<v Speaker 2>Have you tried to get scared on cass?

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<v Speaker 4>I've done horror.

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<v Speaker 5>I remember I did this one and I went to

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<v Speaker 5>see it with my boyfriend at the time, and he

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<v Speaker 5>was just like very I don't know, wasn't it a

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<v Speaker 5>lot there?

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<v Speaker 4>But he was like, wow, you should never do a

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<v Speaker 4>horror movie again. And I was like, no, you're right.

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<v Speaker 5>He's like, you just seemed like you didn't really care

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<v Speaker 5>about anything.

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<v Speaker 2>That's pretty funny, what a great review. You're like, thank

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<v Speaker 2>you for coming with me.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, I I guess I brought my apathy to that performance.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, but I mean at some point you would. I mean,

0:10:37.080 --> 0:10:38.680
<v Speaker 2>it's not like you can hit a home run every

0:10:38.720 --> 0:10:42.800
<v Speaker 2>single movie or job that you get. It's like a doctor.

0:10:42.920 --> 0:10:45.400
<v Speaker 2>Doctor's not hitting it out of the park every single time.

0:10:45.480 --> 0:10:48.120
<v Speaker 4>I'm unfortunately unfortunately it's true.

0:10:48.360 --> 0:10:50.679
<v Speaker 5>That is so true, And I'm really glad you said that,

0:10:50.679 --> 0:10:52.600
<v Speaker 5>because I think it's fine to admit that you weren't

0:10:52.679 --> 0:10:54.960
<v Speaker 5>very good in certain things. Yeah, it's also it's always

0:10:55.000 --> 0:10:57.160
<v Speaker 5>so horrified and I'm like, no, I'm terrible in that movie.

0:10:57.200 --> 0:10:59.719
<v Speaker 4>I'm glad you like it, but I'm not good, right,

0:11:00.160 --> 0:11:01.920
<v Speaker 4>That's okay. Because I was twelve.

0:11:02.000 --> 0:11:04.600
<v Speaker 2>My friend has a number one movie that's on Netflix

0:11:04.679 --> 0:11:06.840
<v Speaker 2>right now, and she's like, oh, I put the least

0:11:06.880 --> 0:11:09.359
<v Speaker 2>amount of effort into this movie, and I didn't.

0:11:09.160 --> 0:11:11.400
<v Speaker 1>Even like my perform, not the least amount of effort.

0:11:11.400 --> 0:11:14.240
<v Speaker 2>She said. I was very dissatisfied with the outcome, and

0:11:14.280 --> 0:11:16.280
<v Speaker 2>it ends up being the biggest movie I've ever done.

0:11:16.320 --> 0:11:17.800
<v Speaker 2>And I'm like, there you go.

0:11:17.920 --> 0:11:19.040
<v Speaker 4>You never know it's gonna hit.

0:11:19.120 --> 0:11:21.640
<v Speaker 2>But it's so true, though, because I can relate to

0:11:21.679 --> 0:11:23.800
<v Speaker 2>that because I in my work experiences, even though I'm

0:11:23.800 --> 0:11:26.520
<v Speaker 2>not an actress per se, I have done not per se.

0:11:26.559 --> 0:11:29.240
<v Speaker 2>I'm not I know why I'm saying it that way,

0:11:29.920 --> 0:11:35.400
<v Speaker 2>but we're all actresses exactly. I have definitely performed at

0:11:35.480 --> 0:11:38.040
<v Speaker 2>higher levels and lower levels depending on what the fuck

0:11:38.120 --> 0:11:40.600
<v Speaker 2>is going on in my life and how grounded I am.

0:11:40.760 --> 0:11:43.839
<v Speaker 2>And I would imagine with your career that's about what. Yeah,

0:11:43.840 --> 0:11:44.880
<v Speaker 2>I mean, you've been acting since you.

0:11:44.840 --> 0:11:48.640
<v Speaker 4>Were a five, no, seven, oh well so.

0:11:50.280 --> 0:11:51.480
<v Speaker 3>Much older song.

0:11:51.559 --> 0:11:53.839
<v Speaker 5>But it is my first movie till I was nine,

0:11:53.960 --> 0:11:56.320
<v Speaker 5>so I never know whether it's seven or nine, so

0:11:56.640 --> 0:11:57.360
<v Speaker 5>in that area.

0:11:57.440 --> 0:12:00.360
<v Speaker 2>So at some point along the way between seven and

0:12:00.400 --> 0:12:03.120
<v Speaker 2>forty five, I'm sure that you were not batting a

0:12:03.160 --> 0:12:04.640
<v Speaker 2>thousand every single time.

0:12:04.760 --> 0:12:09.000
<v Speaker 5>Uhuh No, it's been a rough road, so occasionally the

0:12:09.080 --> 0:12:10.800
<v Speaker 5>performances have suffered your great.

0:12:10.600 --> 0:12:12.319
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, well that's to be expected.

0:12:12.360 --> 0:12:15.000
<v Speaker 2>And I think this is a very refreshing conversation actually

0:12:15.400 --> 0:12:18.120
<v Speaker 2>to be having about acting, because some people take acting

0:12:18.679 --> 0:12:20.120
<v Speaker 2>very seriously and the idea that.

0:12:20.080 --> 0:12:23.199
<v Speaker 5>You can never have made mistakes or you're not talented

0:12:23.280 --> 0:12:26.199
<v Speaker 5>because you once made a bad choice, or you know

0:12:26.240 --> 0:12:28.320
<v Speaker 5>what I mean, right, or there are things that like

0:12:28.360 --> 0:12:30.000
<v Speaker 5>I think it's okay for me as an actress to

0:12:30.040 --> 0:12:33.160
<v Speaker 5>be like I can't do romance, Like I just can't, right, right, right.

0:12:33.360 --> 0:12:35.320
<v Speaker 5>I think it's fine, but I've I've had things. But

0:12:35.360 --> 0:12:37.400
<v Speaker 5>a lot of people react as though you're like, oh no,

0:12:37.559 --> 0:12:41.120
<v Speaker 5>don't bash yourself, or you're not allowed to be self critical,

0:12:41.160 --> 0:12:43.520
<v Speaker 5>Like we're not allowed to be self critical anymore, and

0:12:43.640 --> 0:12:45.040
<v Speaker 5>one's always so worried about ourselves.

0:12:45.040 --> 0:12:46.360
<v Speaker 1>Oh yeah, exactly, I know.

0:12:46.480 --> 0:12:49.760
<v Speaker 2>And I'm like, that's not happy fire, I'm being objective.

0:12:51.240 --> 0:12:51.640
<v Speaker 3>Okay.

0:12:52.160 --> 0:12:52.520
<v Speaker 6>Yeah.

0:12:52.559 --> 0:12:54.720
<v Speaker 2>So was there ever a point in your career where

0:12:54.760 --> 0:12:57.280
<v Speaker 2>you had a lull where you didn't know if you

0:12:57.320 --> 0:12:59.800
<v Speaker 2>were going to continue acting? Yes, so I just can't

0:13:00.240 --> 0:13:03.000
<v Speaker 2>doing something for that many years that's your whole life,

0:13:03.240 --> 0:13:05.559
<v Speaker 2>Yeah it is, Yes, I like, you never wanted to

0:13:05.600 --> 0:13:07.600
<v Speaker 2>be a secretary or anything I did.

0:13:07.720 --> 0:13:10.479
<v Speaker 5>I wanted to be all those stereotypical things that actresses

0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:16.040
<v Speaker 5>want to be, a therapist or interior decorator, so I like,

0:13:16.240 --> 0:13:17.839
<v Speaker 5>you know, tooy around with those things. And then when

0:13:17.840 --> 0:13:19.320
<v Speaker 5>I went to high school, I was sort of like,

0:13:19.920 --> 0:13:21.920
<v Speaker 5>I already have this thing, and if I just do

0:13:22.000 --> 0:13:24.080
<v Speaker 5>this thing, I don't have to do any more homework.

0:13:24.400 --> 0:13:27.719
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, so I'll never have to study again, so le'tll

0:13:27.760 --> 0:13:28.160
<v Speaker 4>just do this.

0:13:28.559 --> 0:13:31.400
<v Speaker 5>My end of my twenties, I really wasn't working very much,

0:13:31.640 --> 0:13:34.960
<v Speaker 5>and then I did a TV show pan Am, and

0:13:35.000 --> 0:13:39.280
<v Speaker 5>then when that was canceled, I really didn't work very

0:13:39.280 --> 0:13:41.040
<v Speaker 5>I mean I worked, but not the level I wanted

0:13:41.080 --> 0:13:41.600
<v Speaker 5>to work at.

0:13:42.000 --> 0:13:44.679
<v Speaker 1>And so were you able to afford to like live financially?

0:13:44.720 --> 0:13:44.880
<v Speaker 6>Yeah?

0:13:44.880 --> 0:13:47.120
<v Speaker 5>I thought I was able to support myself, but by

0:13:47.160 --> 0:13:50.360
<v Speaker 5>doing things that like, you know, I like watching Lifetime movies.

0:13:50.400 --> 0:13:52.680
<v Speaker 5>I don't really want to be in them, right, but

0:13:52.880 --> 0:13:55.640
<v Speaker 5>you know that is one way that I supported myself

0:13:55.840 --> 0:13:57.520
<v Speaker 5>during that lull, and.

0:13:57.400 --> 0:13:58.800
<v Speaker 4>There's you know, there are other things.

0:13:59.000 --> 0:13:59.200
<v Speaker 5>Well.

0:13:59.240 --> 0:14:01.360
<v Speaker 2>It's also nice also be able to come out of

0:14:01.400 --> 0:14:03.760
<v Speaker 2>that low and now look back and be like wow,

0:14:04.080 --> 0:14:06.120
<v Speaker 2>because some people would have too much pride to do

0:14:06.160 --> 0:14:08.960
<v Speaker 2>something like that. Oh not that Lifetime is the bottom

0:14:09.000 --> 0:14:11.360
<v Speaker 2>of the barrel, because I also enjoy watching Lifetime movies.

0:14:11.400 --> 0:14:12.000
<v Speaker 1>I mean that's what.

0:14:12.320 --> 0:14:14.880
<v Speaker 2>Dreams in bed were made of. You know, like Sunday

0:14:14.960 --> 0:14:17.240
<v Speaker 2>days before we had all of these streamers, that's what

0:14:17.320 --> 0:14:19.480
<v Speaker 2>you did on a Sunday was watch one Lifetime movie

0:14:19.520 --> 0:14:20.120
<v Speaker 2>after another.

0:14:20.720 --> 0:14:22.440
<v Speaker 1>But I hear you about not wanting to be in.

0:14:22.400 --> 0:14:26.640
<v Speaker 3>Them, you know, ye, not your hurt's desire.

0:14:26.680 --> 0:14:30.520
<v Speaker 5>No, no, no, So But then this TV show I'm

0:14:30.520 --> 0:14:32.680
<v Speaker 5>on now, yellow Jackets, really changed that for me.

0:14:32.760 --> 0:14:34.920
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Of course, huge hit Yellow Jackets, which is on

0:14:34.960 --> 0:14:37.120
<v Speaker 2>Showtime with Melanie Lynsky.

0:14:37.240 --> 0:14:38.640
<v Speaker 1>I mean you have such a great cast.

0:14:38.720 --> 0:14:40.240
<v Speaker 4>Yes, anybody's so incredible.

0:14:40.400 --> 0:14:41.080
<v Speaker 1>That's the other thing.

0:14:41.120 --> 0:14:45.560
<v Speaker 2>You've worked with so many incredible women, from Winona Rider

0:14:45.640 --> 0:14:49.440
<v Speaker 2>to Share to this whole cast of Yellow Jackets. Talk

0:14:49.480 --> 0:14:52.560
<v Speaker 2>to me about that those relationships, Like, is there someone

0:14:52.600 --> 0:14:54.720
<v Speaker 2>who's had a huge impact on you that you only

0:14:54.720 --> 0:14:56.000
<v Speaker 2>spend a short amount of time with.

0:14:56.400 --> 0:14:58.480
<v Speaker 5>Well, I think that all of the women I worked

0:14:58.480 --> 0:15:00.840
<v Speaker 5>with when I was very young, you know, Like my

0:15:00.880 --> 0:15:02.920
<v Speaker 5>first movie was with Share, my second movie was with

0:15:03.000 --> 0:15:07.520
<v Speaker 5>Angelica Houston. I worked with Ellen Burston in between those movies, Like,

0:15:07.920 --> 0:15:10.000
<v Speaker 5>I worked with a lot of older women at the

0:15:10.040 --> 0:15:14.560
<v Speaker 5>time that were just so self possessed and powerful without

0:15:14.560 --> 0:15:19.520
<v Speaker 5>being dickheads and smart and just educated me in so

0:15:19.560 --> 0:15:22.880
<v Speaker 5>many ways. And I think that that was really helpful

0:15:22.920 --> 0:15:24.800
<v Speaker 5>for me to see as a little girl.

0:15:25.240 --> 0:15:28.320
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, well, because it sometimes I think when you have

0:15:28.400 --> 0:15:30.880
<v Speaker 2>experiences with people like that that are like huge, kind

0:15:30.920 --> 0:15:34.960
<v Speaker 2>of almost figureheads, it's not even about them necessarily teaching you.

0:15:35.040 --> 0:15:37.880
<v Speaker 2>It's about watching them do their thing exactly and learning

0:15:37.920 --> 0:15:40.640
<v Speaker 2>from them, right. Yeah, because Share is such a force,

0:15:40.680 --> 0:15:42.520
<v Speaker 2>and I think I heard you talk about her once

0:15:42.600 --> 0:15:44.720
<v Speaker 2>that she was like kind of you know took care

0:15:44.760 --> 0:15:46.680
<v Speaker 2>of you on set since you were such a young kid.

0:15:46.800 --> 0:15:48.360
<v Speaker 5>She would hide me in the back of her trailer

0:15:48.400 --> 0:15:50.640
<v Speaker 5>when they had production meetings because she didn't want me

0:15:50.680 --> 0:15:53.920
<v Speaker 5>to ever feel like I didn't know what was happening,

0:15:54.320 --> 0:15:55.720
<v Speaker 5>and it made me feel nervous.

0:15:56.240 --> 0:15:56.720
<v Speaker 2>Oh wow.

0:15:56.840 --> 0:15:57.120
<v Speaker 4>Yeah.

0:15:57.200 --> 0:15:59.160
<v Speaker 5>So, and she was like, I know they're not going

0:15:59.200 --> 0:16:01.600
<v Speaker 5>to like going to think I'm crazy if I want

0:16:01.640 --> 0:16:03.440
<v Speaker 5>you to be in the production meeting, So you just

0:16:03.520 --> 0:16:05.200
<v Speaker 5>sit in the back so you can hear what's going on.

0:16:05.360 --> 0:16:06.480
<v Speaker 3>Oh that's very cool.

0:16:06.560 --> 0:16:06.800
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

0:16:06.840 --> 0:16:09.360
<v Speaker 5>And there was also I didn't realize it at the time,

0:16:09.440 --> 0:16:11.480
<v Speaker 5>but we were well I did realize this.

0:16:11.600 --> 0:16:12.440
<v Speaker 4>We were changing.

0:16:12.480 --> 0:16:15.240
<v Speaker 5>The director was being replaced, and one of the reasons

0:16:15.280 --> 0:16:19.320
<v Speaker 5>he was replaced was because he really didn't like my performance.

0:16:19.840 --> 0:16:22.400
<v Speaker 5>And I think that she was afraid that somehow I

0:16:22.400 --> 0:16:26.200
<v Speaker 5>would hear that, like some little bit of that, and

0:16:26.240 --> 0:16:28.320
<v Speaker 5>then turn it into something bigger. So she wanted me

0:16:28.360 --> 0:16:30.800
<v Speaker 5>to hear the actual production meetings.

0:16:31.120 --> 0:16:31.360
<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

0:16:31.560 --> 0:16:31.760
<v Speaker 1>Yah.

0:16:32.280 --> 0:16:35.000
<v Speaker 2>So when you have a career that that is this long,

0:16:35.240 --> 0:16:37.880
<v Speaker 2>right and successful, even though you've had some lows, which

0:16:37.920 --> 0:16:40.440
<v Speaker 2>is to be expected. I don't know anybody who hasn't.

0:16:40.840 --> 0:16:44.720
<v Speaker 2>What is your relationship to your work and to your career.

0:16:45.000 --> 0:16:47.840
<v Speaker 5>Well, it took me a really long time to consider

0:16:47.880 --> 0:16:52.480
<v Speaker 5>myself an artist, really, not until I was in my thirties.

0:16:53.240 --> 0:16:57.280
<v Speaker 5>Uh yeah, like late thirties, like after all the opportunities

0:16:57.320 --> 0:16:59.560
<v Speaker 5>had passed, and I was like, I was an artist

0:17:00.120 --> 0:17:01.479
<v Speaker 5>I never appreciated.

0:17:01.720 --> 0:17:01.920
<v Speaker 7>You know.

0:17:02.240 --> 0:17:03.680
<v Speaker 5>That was when I really came to terms of it

0:17:03.680 --> 0:17:05.600
<v Speaker 5>and finally accepted myself.

0:17:05.880 --> 0:17:10.560
<v Speaker 4>But I feel very strongly now about my work, whereas

0:17:10.560 --> 0:17:11.720
<v Speaker 4>in the past I didn't.

0:17:11.840 --> 0:17:12.199
<v Speaker 1>Really.

0:17:12.640 --> 0:17:16.160
<v Speaker 5>I had a very sort of nihilistic attitude towards many things,

0:17:16.160 --> 0:17:18.320
<v Speaker 5>and one of them was my work. But now I

0:17:18.359 --> 0:17:21.199
<v Speaker 5>feel very connected. I feel very passionate about it. I

0:17:21.240 --> 0:17:24.720
<v Speaker 5>feel very protective of it. And I think I used

0:17:24.760 --> 0:17:27.520
<v Speaker 5>to view all that stuff as someone being pretentious, and

0:17:27.600 --> 0:17:30.439
<v Speaker 5>so as I've gotten older, I've gotten more comfortable with like,

0:17:30.480 --> 0:17:33.399
<v Speaker 5>that's not pretentious. It's just somebody who you know, is

0:17:33.440 --> 0:17:36.760
<v Speaker 5>treating their talent or skill the way it should be treated.

0:17:37.040 --> 0:17:39.920
<v Speaker 2>It's kind of how you feel when you're in a

0:17:39.960 --> 0:17:43.080
<v Speaker 2>situation when it's mostly like male dominated, like in most

0:17:43.080 --> 0:17:46.320
<v Speaker 2>every industry basically, and you want to be like the

0:17:46.359 --> 0:17:49.000
<v Speaker 2>girl that gets along with everybody, you know. Like I've

0:17:49.040 --> 0:17:51.320
<v Speaker 2>had that experience where I want to be the girl

0:17:51.359 --> 0:17:53.679
<v Speaker 2>that's like the cool girl. But you don't realize in

0:17:53.760 --> 0:17:56.520
<v Speaker 2>doing that, you're sublimating what you need. And then you're

0:17:56.520 --> 0:17:59.520
<v Speaker 2>also sublimating the women around you because you're trying to

0:17:59.520 --> 0:18:01.440
<v Speaker 2>make in real with the guy. I'm not talking about

0:18:01.440 --> 0:18:03.600
<v Speaker 2>you right now, I'm talking about me with the guys,

0:18:03.640 --> 0:18:04.800
<v Speaker 2>so that you're not the problem.

0:18:04.800 --> 0:18:07.639
<v Speaker 1>You're not difficult, you're fun. You get the joke. You

0:18:07.640 --> 0:18:09.199
<v Speaker 1>know you guys can be dirty around me.

0:18:09.359 --> 0:18:11.439
<v Speaker 2>I get it, I get it, And you don't realize

0:18:11.440 --> 0:18:14.120
<v Speaker 2>how damaging that is until you are older.

0:18:14.640 --> 0:18:16.199
<v Speaker 1>And realize that that's false.

0:18:16.440 --> 0:18:19.960
<v Speaker 2>You're basically feeding into this whole male domination by acting

0:18:20.000 --> 0:18:22.480
<v Speaker 2>like that instead of congregating with the women. Yeah, so

0:18:22.600 --> 0:18:24.560
<v Speaker 2>I would imagine that's how you feel about like how

0:18:24.600 --> 0:18:27.280
<v Speaker 2>many people feel about their craft too. It's like what

0:18:27.359 --> 0:18:29.480
<v Speaker 2>makes you a strong actor? Like you saying that you

0:18:29.600 --> 0:18:34.280
<v Speaker 2>thought that was pretentious is actually empowering, right to know

0:18:34.320 --> 0:18:35.880
<v Speaker 2>what your skill set is, yes.

0:18:35.760 --> 0:18:38.880
<v Speaker 5>And standing up for yourself and you know, being able

0:18:38.920 --> 0:18:40.840
<v Speaker 5>to come and say, you know, I do my best

0:18:40.840 --> 0:18:43.720
<v Speaker 5>work when this is what I need, but also like

0:18:43.800 --> 0:18:47.320
<v Speaker 5>being willing to reciprocate that for other people. And yeah,

0:18:47.359 --> 0:18:49.560
<v Speaker 5>and what I've noticed too, is like the more you

0:18:49.600 --> 0:18:52.400
<v Speaker 5>stand up for yourself, it inspires people around to sort

0:18:52.440 --> 0:18:56.040
<v Speaker 5>of set their boundaries and their needs, which is kind

0:18:56.040 --> 0:18:57.800
<v Speaker 5>of put in line with what you're saying as well.

0:18:57.880 --> 0:19:00.200
<v Speaker 5>You know, it's beneficial to everybody.

0:19:00.080 --> 0:19:02.800
<v Speaker 2>Because it's like you've saw the example of people like

0:19:02.880 --> 0:19:06.359
<v Speaker 2>Sharon Ellen Burston, Angelica Houston, and then you want to

0:19:06.359 --> 0:19:08.600
<v Speaker 2>set that example also for the younger people that you're

0:19:08.600 --> 0:19:09.440
<v Speaker 2>going to be working with.

0:19:09.520 --> 0:19:11.399
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, and it's easier for other people to stand up

0:19:11.440 --> 0:19:13.200
<v Speaker 5>for themselves when someone else is doing it right next

0:19:13.240 --> 0:19:17.119
<v Speaker 5>to them, you know what I mean. When especially on

0:19:17.400 --> 0:19:20.040
<v Speaker 5>a cast with many actors, like if one actor agrees

0:19:20.080 --> 0:19:22.720
<v Speaker 5>to like sit on the side of the road in between.

0:19:22.400 --> 0:19:24.680
<v Speaker 4>Setups, then everybody has to sit on the side of

0:19:24.760 --> 0:19:25.920
<v Speaker 4>the road, you know what I mean.

0:19:26.000 --> 0:19:28.840
<v Speaker 5>But like, the more people stand up and say like, no, actually,

0:19:29.640 --> 0:19:33.040
<v Speaker 5>I'm going to go to my negotiated place to sit

0:19:33.080 --> 0:19:35.240
<v Speaker 5>down until you're ready for you know, the more other

0:19:35.280 --> 0:19:38.159
<v Speaker 5>people stand up for themselves, the more everybody can't know.

0:19:38.680 --> 0:19:41.439
<v Speaker 2>Okay, and you're a mom, that's right, you have two children,

0:19:41.600 --> 0:19:41.800
<v Speaker 2>I do.

0:19:41.920 --> 0:19:45.879
<v Speaker 4>I have a ten year old and a two Oh wow,

0:19:45.920 --> 0:19:47.040
<v Speaker 4>she's almost three years old.

0:19:47.280 --> 0:19:51.760
<v Speaker 1>Okay, and so how is that being a mother? It's good.

0:19:51.800 --> 0:19:52.800
<v Speaker 4>I mean, I love being a mother.

0:19:52.960 --> 0:19:56.560
<v Speaker 5>I love my kids, but I think, just like most mothers,

0:19:56.920 --> 0:19:58.640
<v Speaker 5>sometimes it's absolutely awful.

0:19:59.160 --> 0:20:00.760
<v Speaker 2>What are the awful It's.

0:20:00.480 --> 0:20:04.880
<v Speaker 5>Just like fighting with your kid to do homework, school,

0:20:05.359 --> 0:20:08.280
<v Speaker 5>anything school related to a nightmak's.

0:20:07.920 --> 0:20:10.399
<v Speaker 2>Worse in these towns than it is everywhere else in

0:20:10.440 --> 0:20:13.280
<v Speaker 2>the world. New York and LA like, for school is

0:20:13.640 --> 0:20:17.400
<v Speaker 2>a nightmare on multiple levels for children and the work,

0:20:17.600 --> 0:20:21.240
<v Speaker 2>but also because of the parrying to get into schools

0:20:21.800 --> 0:20:24.639
<v Speaker 2>and having to like, you know, basically submitted like a.

0:20:25.720 --> 0:20:26.679
<v Speaker 3>College admission time.

0:20:26.840 --> 0:20:30.439
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, when you're when you're six months pregnant, it's really scary.

0:20:30.640 --> 0:20:31.479
<v Speaker 4>Stuff is scary.

0:20:31.760 --> 0:20:35.320
<v Speaker 5>And then when you have a child that turns into

0:20:35.400 --> 0:20:38.080
<v Speaker 5>like a wolverine feral creature anytime you're like, do your

0:20:38.119 --> 0:20:41.600
<v Speaker 5>thirty minutes of reading, Wow, and that's your ten year old,

0:20:42.840 --> 0:20:46.200
<v Speaker 5>Like it's yeah, it's that partly don't enjoy.

0:20:46.400 --> 0:20:48.160
<v Speaker 4>But there's lots of fun stuff too.

0:20:48.880 --> 0:20:51.919
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, obviously, obviously I just always like to focus on

0:20:51.960 --> 0:20:52.480
<v Speaker 2>the negative.

0:20:53.240 --> 0:20:55.040
<v Speaker 4>I did do, though, and then I end up sounding

0:20:55.080 --> 0:20:55.800
<v Speaker 4>like such a jerk.

0:20:56.000 --> 0:20:59.040
<v Speaker 2>No, no, okay, well tell us your favorite parts too,

0:20:59.080 --> 0:21:01.080
<v Speaker 2>So we don't only have that in the interview.

0:21:00.840 --> 0:21:03.520
<v Speaker 4>Of being a mother. Mom like what, they're very snugly.

0:21:03.720 --> 0:21:05.280
<v Speaker 1>It's snugly, but think about them all.

0:21:05.400 --> 0:21:08.320
<v Speaker 2>I want you to, like think about a moment that

0:21:08.800 --> 0:21:11.760
<v Speaker 2>really made you go, oh my god, Like this is magic.

0:21:12.680 --> 0:21:12.960
<v Speaker 4>I think.

0:21:13.040 --> 0:21:14.840
<v Speaker 5>Well, I spend a lot of time with my son

0:21:14.920 --> 0:21:17.960
<v Speaker 5>and we travel together, and the last couple of flights

0:21:17.960 --> 0:21:21.760
<v Speaker 5>we've taken, Like, he's just it's it's just fun to see.

0:21:21.520 --> 0:21:22.760
<v Speaker 4>Them learn and grow.

0:21:22.960 --> 0:21:25.439
<v Speaker 5>And like now the way he travels is exactly the

0:21:25.440 --> 0:21:27.800
<v Speaker 5>way I travel. I like he knows everything and like

0:21:27.840 --> 0:21:29.960
<v Speaker 5>how even to ask for things and how we do

0:21:30.040 --> 0:21:32.560
<v Speaker 5>it and where we line up and how early we

0:21:32.600 --> 0:21:36.280
<v Speaker 5>need to be at the gate because mommy's crazy, and.

0:21:36.200 --> 0:21:39.200
<v Speaker 4>It's just it's just really it's just fun to see it.

0:21:39.280 --> 0:21:39.480
<v Speaker 5>You know.

0:21:39.800 --> 0:21:42.360
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And have you been married or is that Yeah?

0:21:42.520 --> 0:21:44.280
<v Speaker 4>I've been married twice. This is my I'm on my

0:21:44.320 --> 0:21:45.000
<v Speaker 4>second marriage.

0:21:45.000 --> 0:21:47.800
<v Speaker 2>Oh you're on your second marriage. Well, congratulations, so exciting.

0:21:48.040 --> 0:21:49.040
<v Speaker 4>I got through that first one.

0:21:50.400 --> 0:21:50.960
<v Speaker 3>That's great.

0:21:51.240 --> 0:21:55.000
<v Speaker 4>That's a practice marriage exactly exactly.

0:21:55.320 --> 0:21:56.280
<v Speaker 1>And how did you two meet?

0:21:57.000 --> 0:22:00.359
<v Speaker 5>Well, he has been doing hair in for fashion for

0:22:00.840 --> 0:22:03.080
<v Speaker 5>god like twenty years and I met him on a

0:22:03.119 --> 0:22:06.280
<v Speaker 5>photo shoot, but I was still married, so I didn't

0:22:06.280 --> 0:22:09.600
<v Speaker 5>really meet him until after I was separated, like two

0:22:09.680 --> 0:22:10.160
<v Speaker 5>years later.

0:22:11.359 --> 0:22:12.760
<v Speaker 1>And did you get married when you were young your

0:22:12.760 --> 0:22:13.359
<v Speaker 1>first marriage?

0:22:13.400 --> 0:22:14.320
<v Speaker 4>No, I was thirty one.

0:22:14.520 --> 0:22:19.119
<v Speaker 2>Oh okay, so you know, well it's not his day

0:22:19.119 --> 0:22:21.080
<v Speaker 2>because you have your son from that, So there you go.

0:22:21.200 --> 0:22:24.560
<v Speaker 2>That's your net gain. Yes, yes, right, did you find

0:22:24.880 --> 0:22:27.080
<v Speaker 2>I mean I wonder what it's like because you weren't

0:22:27.080 --> 0:22:29.399
<v Speaker 2>married to a famous person, right, So what did you

0:22:29.400 --> 0:22:31.680
<v Speaker 2>feel like? How did you feel about that dynamic when

0:22:31.760 --> 0:22:33.600
<v Speaker 2>one person is famous and the other person is it?

0:22:34.200 --> 0:22:36.840
<v Speaker 4>I mean, it's not great all the time, you know.

0:22:37.000 --> 0:22:38.600
<v Speaker 2>I wonder what it would be like though to I

0:22:38.600 --> 0:22:41.040
<v Speaker 2>mean two famous people? Is that better or is that worse?

0:22:41.080 --> 0:22:41.560
<v Speaker 6>I don't know.

0:22:41.720 --> 0:22:45.760
<v Speaker 5>I have never dated anyone famous. Yeah, so I don't know. Yeah,

0:22:45.880 --> 0:22:46.800
<v Speaker 5>I don't know.

0:22:46.960 --> 0:22:47.679
<v Speaker 1>I don't.

0:22:47.920 --> 0:22:50.800
<v Speaker 5>You know, it's it's weird, like people defer to you

0:22:50.880 --> 0:22:54.040
<v Speaker 5>a lot of times, don't acknowledge the other person totally.

0:22:54.040 --> 0:22:55.359
<v Speaker 4>Things like that that just aren't nice.

0:22:55.400 --> 0:22:57.720
<v Speaker 1>You become a plus one, yeah, person becomes a.

0:22:57.640 --> 0:23:01.439
<v Speaker 5>Plus one, and you know, I'm not comfortable with that,

0:23:01.680 --> 0:23:04.399
<v Speaker 5>but you know, it's just human nature.

0:23:04.680 --> 0:23:07.000
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it is human nature. And some people are okay

0:23:07.040 --> 0:23:09.399
<v Speaker 2>in that role? You know, that's saying there's a gardener

0:23:09.440 --> 0:23:11.400
<v Speaker 2>and there's a flower. Like, there's a flower and there's

0:23:11.400 --> 0:23:13.800
<v Speaker 2>a gardener. I love that because like I want to

0:23:13.840 --> 0:23:15.440
<v Speaker 2>be the flower and I want my person to be

0:23:15.480 --> 0:23:20.560
<v Speaker 2>the gardener. Yes, I'd like to, but that sometimes you

0:23:20.600 --> 0:23:22.760
<v Speaker 2>have two flowers and you're like, where's the fucking gardener?

0:23:22.800 --> 0:23:24.440
<v Speaker 4>Now there's no water, just like.

0:23:26.040 --> 0:23:29.000
<v Speaker 1>And that's a really hard I think, Yeah, dynamic.

0:23:28.560 --> 0:23:29.640
<v Speaker 4>I can't even imagine.

0:23:29.960 --> 0:23:31.880
<v Speaker 2>And do you think it keeps you more grounded because

0:23:31.880 --> 0:23:35.080
<v Speaker 2>you seem fairly normal and this short time we've spent together,

0:23:35.240 --> 0:23:36.359
<v Speaker 2>you seem fairly normal.

0:23:36.520 --> 0:23:36.720
<v Speaker 5>You know.

0:23:36.960 --> 0:23:38.640
<v Speaker 4>I don't actually like attention.

0:23:38.960 --> 0:23:40.959
<v Speaker 2>I don't like attention, and I just find that interesting

0:23:40.960 --> 0:23:41.919
<v Speaker 2>when actors say that.

0:23:42.040 --> 0:23:44.639
<v Speaker 5>I know it's weird. I don't like my picture taken.

0:23:44.960 --> 0:23:47.639
<v Speaker 5>I don't like attention. I love being in like the

0:23:47.720 --> 0:23:51.080
<v Speaker 5>outside of the room and watching people. I'm not overly friendly,

0:23:51.720 --> 0:23:56.000
<v Speaker 5>but my husband is like incredibly like carrious and warm

0:23:56.080 --> 0:23:56.760
<v Speaker 5>and takes.

0:23:56.520 --> 0:23:57.840
<v Speaker 4>Care of everyone in the room.

0:23:58.320 --> 0:24:01.959
<v Speaker 5>So it really works with Mark because even if somebody

0:24:01.960 --> 0:24:05.119
<v Speaker 5>would were to treat us as me with a plus

0:24:05.160 --> 0:24:07.200
<v Speaker 5>one and he's my plus one, well, the plus one's

0:24:07.240 --> 0:24:10.200
<v Speaker 5>the only one talking to you, so you know, so

0:24:10.280 --> 0:24:12.639
<v Speaker 5>he actually becomes the guest.

0:24:13.240 --> 0:24:15.439
<v Speaker 4>You know, great, it works.

0:24:15.520 --> 0:24:16.040
<v Speaker 2>That's cute.

0:24:16.040 --> 0:24:19.080
<v Speaker 1>And who what about your so your daughter's too with Mark?

0:24:19.320 --> 0:24:19.480
<v Speaker 4>Right?

0:24:20.160 --> 0:24:21.400
<v Speaker 1>And what's her personality?

0:24:21.520 --> 0:24:23.440
<v Speaker 4>Like, she's amazing.

0:24:23.720 --> 0:24:25.440
<v Speaker 2>She looks exactly like you. I would imagine you have

0:24:25.680 --> 0:24:27.159
<v Speaker 2>very strong, dominant features.

0:24:27.320 --> 0:24:29.359
<v Speaker 4>She looks a lot like me. I think we have

0:24:29.440 --> 0:24:30.119
<v Speaker 4>the same eyes.

0:24:30.160 --> 0:24:33.000
<v Speaker 5>And then my son has my eyes but they're bright blue,

0:24:33.240 --> 0:24:36.160
<v Speaker 5>which is pretty amazing. He's really quite gorgeous. And she's

0:24:36.200 --> 0:24:39.879
<v Speaker 5>so beautiful and adorable. But she's like a feral creature

0:24:40.080 --> 0:24:42.679
<v Speaker 5>and she's very she has a lot of boundaries and

0:24:42.720 --> 0:24:44.840
<v Speaker 5>she's very strong. And I was like, my son was

0:24:44.880 --> 0:24:47.160
<v Speaker 5>just like attached to me, needed me all the time.

0:24:47.680 --> 0:24:50.080
<v Speaker 5>And you have to ask her permission to kiss.

0:24:49.840 --> 0:24:52.359
<v Speaker 4>Her, like Cleo, Momy's gonna kiss you good bye now,

0:24:52.400 --> 0:24:56.240
<v Speaker 4>and she's like, no, Mommy, not today.

0:24:56.920 --> 0:24:57.520
<v Speaker 1>That's funny.

0:24:57.560 --> 0:24:59.879
<v Speaker 2>I was actual this trigger treating thing for my nieces

0:24:59.880 --> 0:25:04.080
<v Speaker 2>and refews on. My assistant Karen has a daughter, Willow,

0:25:04.119 --> 0:25:07.439
<v Speaker 2>who's three, and she kisses everyone on the lips. Everyone

0:25:07.880 --> 0:25:09.560
<v Speaker 2>was like, you have to meet Willow, She'll kiss you

0:25:09.600 --> 0:25:11.119
<v Speaker 2>on the lips. I'm like, I'm coming over. I want

0:25:11.160 --> 0:25:13.679
<v Speaker 2>to kiss on the lips from a little fat nugget.

0:25:13.720 --> 0:25:16.560
<v Speaker 2>She's such a nugget. And of course I didn't get one,

0:25:16.880 --> 0:25:17.960
<v Speaker 2>you know, but I was like, what are you guys

0:25:18.000 --> 0:25:19.159
<v Speaker 2>going to do when you send her to school?

0:25:19.160 --> 0:25:21.160
<v Speaker 1>She can't just go around kissing everybody on the lips

0:25:21.320 --> 0:25:21.920
<v Speaker 1>like she'll grow.

0:25:22.880 --> 0:25:25.800
<v Speaker 4>But when I'm like to learn about.

0:25:26.080 --> 0:25:29.320
<v Speaker 2>Strangers, I kiss everybody on the lips. But I like

0:25:29.400 --> 0:25:31.320
<v Speaker 2>having boundaries at three. That's pretty funny.

0:25:31.400 --> 0:25:34.600
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, she's amazing. She just she will say no.

0:25:34.840 --> 0:25:37.840
<v Speaker 5>She will say no touching right now, please, And I

0:25:37.880 --> 0:25:41.760
<v Speaker 5>need some space. Wow, I frustrated.

0:25:41.400 --> 0:25:42.720
<v Speaker 4>I need some space.

0:25:43.520 --> 0:25:46.200
<v Speaker 5>And then I'm like, okay, cool, go take your space.

0:25:46.280 --> 0:25:50.520
<v Speaker 5>And yeah, she's just very willful, very strong. She's big,

0:25:51.040 --> 0:25:54.080
<v Speaker 5>very tall, which is surprising because I'm not very tall.

0:25:54.760 --> 0:25:57.199
<v Speaker 5>But yeah, she's she has like a cat like personality.

0:25:57.640 --> 0:26:00.639
<v Speaker 5>So when she finally does that completely melt just is

0:26:00.680 --> 0:26:03.879
<v Speaker 5>all over you. It feels really good because you feel

0:26:03.880 --> 0:26:05.240
<v Speaker 5>like it's really based on something.

0:26:05.440 --> 0:26:07.119
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, like with cats.

0:26:07.320 --> 0:26:09.840
<v Speaker 2>That's an interesting way to describe your relationship with your daughter.

0:26:09.840 --> 0:26:10.879
<v Speaker 1>I think that's intriguing.

0:26:13.520 --> 0:26:17.840
<v Speaker 5>I have a lot of respect for her.

0:26:18.280 --> 0:26:18.960
<v Speaker 2>That's great.

0:26:19.440 --> 0:26:20.919
<v Speaker 1>I have respect her too, just a.

0:26:21.560 --> 0:26:25.160
<v Speaker 5>You also respect her. She really commands a lot of respects.

0:26:25.760 --> 0:26:28.320
<v Speaker 2>Okay, so we're gonna take a break and we'll be

0:26:28.400 --> 0:26:36.080
<v Speaker 2>right back with Christina Ricci. And we're back with Christina Ricci.

0:26:36.320 --> 0:26:36.480
<v Speaker 5>Well.

0:26:36.480 --> 0:26:40.280
<v Speaker 3>Our first email comes from Rebecca. She says, Dear Chelsea,

0:26:40.560 --> 0:26:43.000
<v Speaker 3>I'm a twenty eight year old codependent millennial who was

0:26:43.040 --> 0:26:46.600
<v Speaker 3>in a controlling relationship. I finally sought professional help, and

0:26:46.640 --> 0:26:50.040
<v Speaker 3>therapy and medicine helped me begin healing. In my journey

0:26:50.080 --> 0:26:53.239
<v Speaker 3>of healing, rediscovery and homecoming, I met a man who

0:26:53.320 --> 0:26:56.000
<v Speaker 3>helped me become a better version of myself. We met

0:26:56.040 --> 0:26:57.840
<v Speaker 3>a little over a year ago and have been together

0:26:57.880 --> 0:27:00.639
<v Speaker 3>ever since. It's the partnership I want in my life.

0:27:01.000 --> 0:27:03.600
<v Speaker 3>He supported me when I'm down, held me when I'm anxious,

0:27:03.680 --> 0:27:05.679
<v Speaker 3>took care of me when I'm sick, and motivates me

0:27:05.720 --> 0:27:08.800
<v Speaker 3>to want to be a better and higher version of myself. However,

0:27:09.720 --> 0:27:11.640
<v Speaker 3>he feels that I have not been honest with him

0:27:11.640 --> 0:27:13.880
<v Speaker 3>about my body count. It's like the number of people

0:27:13.920 --> 0:27:14.560
<v Speaker 3>you've slept with.

0:27:15.000 --> 0:27:15.240
<v Speaker 4>Wow.

0:27:15.480 --> 0:27:16.080
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and he.

0:27:16.000 --> 0:27:16.600
<v Speaker 4>Doesn't like that.

0:27:16.960 --> 0:27:18.880
<v Speaker 5>I'm surprised, but I knew his body count. But I'm

0:27:18.920 --> 0:27:21.720
<v Speaker 5>just surprised he's upset about this, right, seems so trivial.

0:27:21.440 --> 0:27:22.600
<v Speaker 6>If he's so as.

0:27:22.480 --> 0:27:26.400
<v Speaker 3>Great, Yeah it's not over fifteen, but it's more than eight.

0:27:26.560 --> 0:27:27.760
<v Speaker 4>Oh, for God's sakes.

0:27:28.080 --> 0:27:30.400
<v Speaker 3>The only it's the only contentious point in our relationship

0:27:30.440 --> 0:27:32.520
<v Speaker 3>and the only thing we argue about. I fear this

0:27:32.560 --> 0:27:33.600
<v Speaker 3>will never be resolved.

0:27:33.680 --> 0:27:36.720
<v Speaker 1>That is so stupid. I mean, this is so stupid.

0:27:37.920 --> 0:27:39.800
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

0:27:39.800 --> 0:27:40.200
<v Speaker 4>You're fine.

0:27:40.240 --> 0:27:41.520
<v Speaker 1>I do you have a time.

0:27:41.560 --> 0:27:43.359
<v Speaker 2>I tried to count how many people I've had sex with,

0:27:43.400 --> 0:27:45.160
<v Speaker 2>you know, when you're in your twenties, and you're like one, two,

0:27:45.240 --> 0:27:47.400
<v Speaker 2>and then I can't even And then three days later

0:27:47.440 --> 0:27:50.560
<v Speaker 2>you were like, I remember three more guys I had?

0:27:50.640 --> 0:27:52.959
<v Speaker 4>Like I had? I actually wrote them down at one

0:27:53.000 --> 0:27:55.360
<v Speaker 4>point and then found the list and was adding.

0:27:55.080 --> 0:27:56.879
<v Speaker 2>To it forget.

0:27:57.040 --> 0:27:59.080
<v Speaker 1>Well, yeah, as you remember, and now do you have

0:27:59.119 --> 0:28:00.639
<v Speaker 1>more counters? Absolutely?

0:28:01.040 --> 0:28:02.720
<v Speaker 2>But it should be limit. I mean, who gives a

0:28:02.800 --> 0:28:04.600
<v Speaker 2>shit how many people anyone had sex with?

0:28:04.840 --> 0:28:07.400
<v Speaker 1>Agreed, The more the merrier, as far as I'm concerned.

0:28:07.480 --> 0:28:09.359
<v Speaker 3>Right, And she says, you know, she doesn't want to

0:28:09.400 --> 0:28:11.439
<v Speaker 3>keep arguing about this, but you know, one of the

0:28:11.480 --> 0:28:13.600
<v Speaker 3>qualities he wants in a girl someone with a lower

0:28:13.640 --> 0:28:14.359
<v Speaker 3>body count.

0:28:14.440 --> 0:28:16.399
<v Speaker 5>Maybe he needs to do some work on himself and

0:28:16.440 --> 0:28:17.280
<v Speaker 5>his insecurities.

0:28:17.400 --> 0:28:18.399
<v Speaker 4>I think that's true.

0:28:18.640 --> 0:28:19.040
<v Speaker 2>You can't.

0:28:19.040 --> 0:28:20.080
<v Speaker 1>This is the beginning of it.

0:28:20.200 --> 0:28:23.119
<v Speaker 2>Like that is it somebody who's hiding their jealousy and

0:28:23.119 --> 0:28:26.440
<v Speaker 2>they're hiding their controlling like behavior, and that is going

0:28:26.480 --> 0:28:28.600
<v Speaker 2>to come out because anyone who cares what you did

0:28:28.640 --> 0:28:32.000
<v Speaker 2>in your past before you met them, Like, everyone has

0:28:32.000 --> 0:28:34.360
<v Speaker 2>had sex with lots of people. Some people have had

0:28:34.359 --> 0:28:37.679
<v Speaker 2>sex with fewer people. But that can't be a stipulation.

0:28:37.800 --> 0:28:39.840
<v Speaker 2>So if the answer is above the number he feels

0:28:39.840 --> 0:28:42.920
<v Speaker 2>comfortable with, then what then you're broken up? What does

0:28:42.960 --> 0:28:43.640
<v Speaker 2>he want her to do?

0:28:43.760 --> 0:28:46.240
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, there's no way changes exactly.

0:28:46.280 --> 0:28:47.640
<v Speaker 4>But so but he thinks she's lying.

0:28:48.400 --> 0:28:50.920
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, he thinks it's more than what she's saying.

0:28:51.160 --> 0:28:53.400
<v Speaker 2>I would just say that this is a harbinger of

0:28:53.440 --> 0:28:55.880
<v Speaker 2>things to come, not a good sign.

0:28:56.200 --> 0:28:59.560
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, if you're seeing these little controlling things come out

0:28:59.640 --> 0:29:03.160
<v Speaker 3>now and you were previously in a controlling relationship, that

0:29:03.200 --> 0:29:05.200
<v Speaker 3>should be a big red flag that maybe this is

0:29:05.200 --> 0:29:07.080
<v Speaker 3>more of a controlling relationship than he's let on.

0:29:07.200 --> 0:29:09.600
<v Speaker 2>Like you said, absolutely, because I had a relationship with

0:29:09.640 --> 0:29:12.000
<v Speaker 2>somebody who tried to pretend like he wasn't controlling, that

0:29:12.120 --> 0:29:14.880
<v Speaker 2>wasn't Oh I love the way you are. I love

0:29:14.920 --> 0:29:17.040
<v Speaker 2>that you're so free, I love that you ski topless.

0:29:17.040 --> 0:29:19.040
<v Speaker 2>Blah blah blah. Guess what he didn't like any of

0:29:19.040 --> 0:29:21.600
<v Speaker 2>those things that I didn't come out until about seven

0:29:21.640 --> 0:29:24.239
<v Speaker 2>months into our relationship, and I was like, oh, you

0:29:24.240 --> 0:29:26.920
<v Speaker 2>were pretending that you were okay with my personality, and

0:29:26.920 --> 0:29:29.920
<v Speaker 2>you're not okay with my personality. So yeah, I would

0:29:29.960 --> 0:29:32.160
<v Speaker 2>just say that's that doesn't look good. That's a big

0:29:32.200 --> 0:29:32.800
<v Speaker 2>red flag.

0:29:33.120 --> 0:29:35.040
<v Speaker 3>Yeah. His deal breaker should be your deal break.

0:29:34.920 --> 0:29:37.360
<v Speaker 2>Because it's judgment also, and you're not why are you

0:29:37.440 --> 0:29:39.720
<v Speaker 2>judging the person that you are in love with? Like,

0:29:39.800 --> 0:29:40.920
<v Speaker 2>why would you judge them?

0:29:41.040 --> 0:29:42.840
<v Speaker 3>It has no impact on your current relationship.

0:29:42.840 --> 0:29:44.520
<v Speaker 4>No, it has no impact at all.

0:29:44.680 --> 0:29:46.520
<v Speaker 3>Yeah right, so goodbye guy.

0:29:46.840 --> 0:29:49.360
<v Speaker 4>Yeah the whistle and get out of there.

0:29:49.520 --> 0:29:51.360
<v Speaker 1>Yeah yeah, your emotional whistle.

0:29:51.800 --> 0:29:53.000
<v Speaker 4>Emotionally unsafe whistle.

0:29:53.120 --> 0:29:57.240
<v Speaker 5>Oh I wanted to one really badly. I could be

0:29:57.240 --> 0:30:02.080
<v Speaker 5>in any situation just like and then like my protective

0:30:02.120 --> 0:30:04.160
<v Speaker 5>troll like come out from somewhere and be like, oh,

0:30:04.240 --> 0:30:05.560
<v Speaker 5>what have you done again?

0:30:05.960 --> 0:30:07.160
<v Speaker 4>Like pick me up and take me to.

0:30:07.120 --> 0:30:13.560
<v Speaker 2>Side, Like I feel emotionally unsafe, right, now.

0:30:12.200 --> 0:30:15.000
<v Speaker 3>Well, our next question comes from Dolly, and she'll a

0:30:15.080 --> 0:30:15.680
<v Speaker 3>Dolly parton.

0:30:15.840 --> 0:30:17.400
<v Speaker 2>Didn't we try to get Dolly on the podcast?

0:30:17.600 --> 0:30:17.760
<v Speaker 5>Did?

0:30:17.760 --> 0:30:18.440
<v Speaker 3>And we're still trying.

0:30:18.800 --> 0:30:21.760
<v Speaker 1>She better come on, Dolly, come please? Oh look at

0:30:21.760 --> 0:30:22.240
<v Speaker 1>this cutie.

0:30:22.400 --> 0:30:26.640
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, Dolly, says dear Chelsea. I've been listening to the

0:30:26.640 --> 0:30:28.760
<v Speaker 3>pod since the beginning. I feel excited to finally have

0:30:28.800 --> 0:30:31.280
<v Speaker 3>an issue that I feel is worthy of input. My

0:30:31.360 --> 0:30:33.440
<v Speaker 3>brother in law and sister in law are both thirty six.

0:30:33.600 --> 0:30:35.960
<v Speaker 3>Let's call them Victor and Kathy. They've been married for

0:30:36.000 --> 0:30:38.640
<v Speaker 3>almost ten years and have two kids in elementary school.

0:30:38.880 --> 0:30:40.880
<v Speaker 3>My husband and I have been marginally privy to their

0:30:40.920 --> 0:30:44.960
<v Speaker 3>ongoing fights, tit for tat, jabs, revenge spending, and recurring

0:30:44.960 --> 0:30:48.320
<v Speaker 3>threats of divorce over the last five years. My husband

0:30:48.360 --> 0:30:50.120
<v Speaker 3>is a decent relationship with his brother, and I do

0:30:50.200 --> 0:30:52.000
<v Speaker 3>with my sister in law Kathy, but there's always a

0:30:52.000 --> 0:30:54.920
<v Speaker 3>feeling of walking on eggshells around them. Through the years,

0:30:54.920 --> 0:30:58.480
<v Speaker 3>I've encouraged couples therapy, individual therapy, and given a book

0:30:58.480 --> 0:31:02.040
<v Speaker 3>on building a healthy marriage. Even had conversations encouraging them

0:31:02.080 --> 0:31:04.760
<v Speaker 3>to reflect on what this relationship is doing to their children.

0:31:05.160 --> 0:31:07.000
<v Speaker 3>It always seems like things get a little bit better,

0:31:07.120 --> 0:31:10.160
<v Speaker 3>and then no work is invested into the relationship. She

0:31:10.200 --> 0:31:12.000
<v Speaker 3>can tell us a little bit more about this, but

0:31:12.200 --> 0:31:14.840
<v Speaker 3>recently there was a situation where they got in a

0:31:14.840 --> 0:31:18.160
<v Speaker 3>fight late at night, Kathy left Victor also left the

0:31:18.240 --> 0:31:22.040
<v Speaker 3>kids at home, and now Kathy's gotten into therapy. It

0:31:22.120 --> 0:31:24.080
<v Speaker 3>just feels like a vicious cycle where things get better

0:31:24.120 --> 0:31:26.680
<v Speaker 3>and then the fights keep escalating. I'm at a loss

0:31:26.680 --> 0:31:28.480
<v Speaker 3>because I feel I can no longer act as a

0:31:28.480 --> 0:31:32.440
<v Speaker 3>blissfully ignorant bystander, knowing the negative impact their relationship has

0:31:32.520 --> 0:31:34.920
<v Speaker 3>on each other and their kids. How do I encourage

0:31:34.920 --> 0:31:37.400
<v Speaker 3>them to invest time into bettering their marriage or maybe

0:31:37.400 --> 0:31:42.280
<v Speaker 3>better yet calling it quits. Dolly, Hi there, Hello, Hi,

0:31:42.560 --> 0:31:43.080
<v Speaker 3>Hi Dolly.

0:31:43.400 --> 0:31:45.520
<v Speaker 1>This is our special guest, Christina Ricci today.

0:31:45.680 --> 0:31:45.840
<v Speaker 3>Hi.

0:31:46.400 --> 0:31:47.400
<v Speaker 7>Oh my gosh, how cool?

0:31:47.760 --> 0:31:48.520
<v Speaker 2>I know, right?

0:31:49.200 --> 0:31:51.320
<v Speaker 1>Okay, So she just started going to therapy.

0:31:51.840 --> 0:31:54.880
<v Speaker 7>She was supposed to this week, and I haven't heard

0:31:55.120 --> 0:31:58.880
<v Speaker 7>any progress on that, so I'm not sure if that

0:31:59.080 --> 0:32:00.680
<v Speaker 7>has actually been or not.

0:32:01.080 --> 0:32:04.160
<v Speaker 1>But so, what kind of like, how do these fights escalate?

0:32:04.320 --> 0:32:06.000
<v Speaker 2>What happens? They scream and yell.

0:32:06.960 --> 0:32:10.480
<v Speaker 7>What I've seen is it's more like passive aggressive comments,

0:32:10.520 --> 0:32:14.240
<v Speaker 7>and then it sort of escalates into them talking poorly

0:32:14.280 --> 0:32:17.000
<v Speaker 7>about each other in front of the kids, in front

0:32:17.000 --> 0:32:21.560
<v Speaker 7>of other people. And then it's always alcohol involved too,

0:32:21.600 --> 0:32:25.040
<v Speaker 7>so you know that always kind of escalates emotions and

0:32:25.680 --> 0:32:30.200
<v Speaker 7>people aren't acting like their best selves. And yeah, I mean,

0:32:30.320 --> 0:32:35.160
<v Speaker 7>it just really depends on the situation of what triggers them.

0:32:35.280 --> 0:32:38.000
<v Speaker 7>It's not like one thing necessarily right.

0:32:38.040 --> 0:32:40.320
<v Speaker 2>And what Have you ever had a conversation with your

0:32:40.320 --> 0:32:40.960
<v Speaker 2>sister in law?

0:32:41.480 --> 0:32:45.560
<v Speaker 7>I have, Yeah, and it always kind of gets cut

0:32:45.600 --> 0:32:49.280
<v Speaker 7>short in a way. It's like a sensitive subject and

0:32:49.440 --> 0:32:51.840
<v Speaker 7>if I try to bring it up, it will be

0:32:51.920 --> 0:32:55.560
<v Speaker 7>shut down pretty quick. So that's also a sticking point

0:32:55.600 --> 0:32:58.880
<v Speaker 7>because it doesn't feel like she's really receptive to anything

0:32:58.920 --> 0:32:59.840
<v Speaker 7>that I have to say.

0:33:00.080 --> 0:33:02.520
<v Speaker 2>Well, she's probably not because they're stuck in this kind

0:33:02.560 --> 0:33:05.560
<v Speaker 2>of like bad cycle of behavior. So they're probably not

0:33:05.760 --> 0:33:08.800
<v Speaker 2>very open to hearing any criticism about it because they're

0:33:08.840 --> 0:33:11.520
<v Speaker 2>both just kind of like swimming, you know, trying to

0:33:11.560 --> 0:33:14.400
<v Speaker 2>stay afloat. So what are you and your husband thinking

0:33:14.440 --> 0:33:16.960
<v Speaker 2>about doing? Has he spoken to his brother?

0:33:17.560 --> 0:33:21.520
<v Speaker 7>Yeah, we both have talked to the same gender partner,

0:33:21.600 --> 0:33:26.320
<v Speaker 7>you know, spouse. But yeah, we've really encouraged therapy and

0:33:26.480 --> 0:33:32.040
<v Speaker 7>going individually and as a couple, and it just has

0:33:32.080 --> 0:33:35.840
<v Speaker 7>always met with like, we don't have time the kids this,

0:33:36.000 --> 0:33:38.320
<v Speaker 7>and then we offer to watch the kids and there's

0:33:38.440 --> 0:33:42.920
<v Speaker 7>like no follow up for them asking for help either.

0:33:43.200 --> 0:33:44.480
<v Speaker 6>So I don't know.

0:33:44.600 --> 0:33:46.960
<v Speaker 7>I feel like at a loss of not really knowing

0:33:47.000 --> 0:33:49.680
<v Speaker 7>what to do because I feel that we've both encouraged

0:33:49.760 --> 0:33:51.400
<v Speaker 7>what we think they should do.

0:33:52.160 --> 0:33:54.960
<v Speaker 2>I just think you can't make somebody force people to

0:33:55.080 --> 0:33:57.720
<v Speaker 2>like go work on their marriage. It's nice that you

0:33:57.840 --> 0:34:01.120
<v Speaker 2>care and that you're thinking about them and you're observing it.

0:34:01.160 --> 0:34:03.080
<v Speaker 2>The only thing you can really do is have like

0:34:03.120 --> 0:34:07.800
<v Speaker 2>a meaningful conversation that is very pointed to say, listen,

0:34:08.400 --> 0:34:11.400
<v Speaker 2>I see that you're like are you happy? Do you

0:34:11.400 --> 0:34:14.080
<v Speaker 2>feel happy in this relationship? Like I want to know,

0:34:14.120 --> 0:34:16.960
<v Speaker 2>because if you do feel happy, then fine, then that's it.

0:34:17.320 --> 0:34:20.160
<v Speaker 2>From what I'm seeing, it just feels really damaging for

0:34:20.239 --> 0:34:22.040
<v Speaker 2>you guys to be talking about each other in front

0:34:22.080 --> 0:34:23.960
<v Speaker 2>of the kids, and there just seems to be a

0:34:23.960 --> 0:34:26.120
<v Speaker 2>lot of fighting, and I just feel like it doesn't

0:34:26.160 --> 0:34:28.719
<v Speaker 2>have to be this way. Not that she should leave him,

0:34:28.760 --> 0:34:31.440
<v Speaker 2>but they should at least try to work together towards

0:34:31.760 --> 0:34:34.719
<v Speaker 2>a more common ground where they can get along in

0:34:34.760 --> 0:34:37.040
<v Speaker 2>a nicer way and be more pleasant to be around.

0:34:37.520 --> 0:34:40.240
<v Speaker 2>But beyond that, I just don't think that it's anyone's

0:34:40.280 --> 0:34:42.719
<v Speaker 2>place to be. Like, Okay, you guys, it's time to

0:34:42.719 --> 0:34:47.120
<v Speaker 2>get divorced, or it's time to whatever. You can only

0:34:47.160 --> 0:34:50.600
<v Speaker 2>be whatever your tactic has been up till now should

0:34:50.600 --> 0:34:56.080
<v Speaker 2>probably flip because that hasn't yielded any result, right, and so, so,

0:34:56.160 --> 0:34:58.799
<v Speaker 2>how would you describe the tactic that you've used thus far?

0:35:00.080 --> 0:35:05.560
<v Speaker 7>Pretty conflict averse or anti confrontation. So it's more just

0:35:05.680 --> 0:35:10.080
<v Speaker 7>conversations if it comes up naturally with her, and then

0:35:10.320 --> 0:35:14.399
<v Speaker 7>I'll give my thoughts on things, but I'm not ever

0:35:14.480 --> 0:35:17.600
<v Speaker 7>the one that's driving the conversation, if that makes sense,

0:35:17.640 --> 0:35:20.280
<v Speaker 7>But it's always kind of lingering back there.

0:35:20.440 --> 0:35:22.040
<v Speaker 6>When the next fide doesn't happen.

0:35:22.080 --> 0:35:25.200
<v Speaker 2>Would you describe their behavior towards each other as like abusive?

0:35:26.080 --> 0:35:29.320
<v Speaker 7>I mean, I haven't seen it, but from their personal

0:35:29.320 --> 0:35:33.240
<v Speaker 7>accounts of things, yes, there is some abusive like verbal abuse,

0:35:33.480 --> 0:35:38.160
<v Speaker 7>some physical intimidation, some yeah of that other stuff going

0:35:38.200 --> 0:35:41.120
<v Speaker 7>on too. So that's also why I feel like a

0:35:41.120 --> 0:35:44.239
<v Speaker 7>push against like I need to do something because of

0:35:44.280 --> 0:35:48.160
<v Speaker 7>the kids, and like it's impacting their whole household. How

0:35:48.160 --> 0:35:50.600
<v Speaker 7>old are the kids their elementary age.

0:35:51.040 --> 0:35:52.319
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, it's really bad for them.

0:35:52.520 --> 0:35:55.120
<v Speaker 5>I mean, if anything, I would say, just really be

0:35:55.239 --> 0:35:58.839
<v Speaker 5>there for those kids, you know. But I think having

0:35:58.880 --> 0:36:01.839
<v Speaker 5>an honest conversation with the parents about what this sort

0:36:01.880 --> 0:36:06.480
<v Speaker 5>of stuff actually does to children's brains, right, how negatively

0:36:06.640 --> 0:36:10.839
<v Speaker 5>it affects them, Like it can change a child's brain

0:36:10.920 --> 0:36:12.280
<v Speaker 5>and development, and.

0:36:12.840 --> 0:36:14.080
<v Speaker 3>In what kind of partner they choose.

0:36:14.360 --> 0:36:15.160
<v Speaker 2>Yes, yes, it.

0:36:15.160 --> 0:36:19.920
<v Speaker 5>Has incredibly negative impacts. Fighting in front of children and

0:36:20.040 --> 0:36:23.799
<v Speaker 5>if it's abusive in nature, then they could already have

0:36:23.960 --> 0:36:27.200
<v Speaker 5>PTSD and you know what I mean, like really be traumatized.

0:36:27.239 --> 0:36:31.000
<v Speaker 5>So I think that's the conversation to have. Like, you, guys,

0:36:31.600 --> 0:36:33.880
<v Speaker 5>you're grown ups. You get to make all your choices,

0:36:33.880 --> 0:36:35.959
<v Speaker 5>but there's two little kids here who have no say,

0:36:36.320 --> 0:36:39.520
<v Speaker 5>and you're supposed to protect them. So they have to

0:36:39.560 --> 0:36:42.120
<v Speaker 5>do something about if I would think that they would

0:36:42.160 --> 0:36:44.200
<v Speaker 5>do something about their marriage based on their concern for

0:36:44.239 --> 0:36:45.719
<v Speaker 5>their children, Right.

0:36:45.960 --> 0:36:48.040
<v Speaker 2>Is there any scenario that you could imagine where you

0:36:48.080 --> 0:36:50.800
<v Speaker 2>and your husband sit down with him and his wife

0:36:50.880 --> 0:36:53.440
<v Speaker 2>together and have this kind of conversation.

0:36:54.160 --> 0:36:56.000
<v Speaker 7>I think so, yeah, because.

0:36:55.760 --> 0:36:58.560
<v Speaker 1>Maybe that's a different tact that's serious.

0:36:58.680 --> 0:37:00.520
<v Speaker 2>You know, if you're sitting down and you're like, listen,

0:37:00.880 --> 0:37:04.560
<v Speaker 2>we're here because we're seeing the impact of your relationship

0:37:04.640 --> 0:37:06.960
<v Speaker 2>and the impact it's having on the children, and we

0:37:07.080 --> 0:37:09.680
<v Speaker 2>want to support you in whatever way we can. But

0:37:09.920 --> 0:37:12.040
<v Speaker 2>there is a discussion to be had and all the

0:37:12.080 --> 0:37:14.880
<v Speaker 2>things that Christina's talking about, like there's all these books

0:37:14.960 --> 0:37:15.839
<v Speaker 2>to support I mean.

0:37:15.800 --> 0:37:16.720
<v Speaker 4>The deal research.

0:37:17.120 --> 0:37:19.440
<v Speaker 2>Bring some facts exactly, and bring some and be like,

0:37:19.520 --> 0:37:21.920
<v Speaker 2>you know, this has such a deleterious impact on kids'

0:37:21.920 --> 0:37:25.160
<v Speaker 2>brains growing up with that, And you know, you might

0:37:25.200 --> 0:37:27.040
<v Speaker 2>not think of anything because you guys are used to

0:37:27.040 --> 0:37:29.400
<v Speaker 2>talking to each other like this, But then you're creating

0:37:29.480 --> 0:37:31.560
<v Speaker 2>a situation where your kid grows up thinking that's the

0:37:31.560 --> 0:37:33.480
<v Speaker 2>way you talk to other people, and then they're going

0:37:33.560 --> 0:37:37.000
<v Speaker 2>to find themselves in a similar relationship or it could

0:37:37.040 --> 0:37:38.879
<v Speaker 2>have an even more serious impact on them.

0:37:39.160 --> 0:37:39.360
<v Speaker 5>You know.

0:37:39.520 --> 0:37:42.239
<v Speaker 1>I think you like you show up armed with stuff.

0:37:41.920 --> 0:37:45.040
<v Speaker 2>And and in the most loving way obviously to be

0:37:45.120 --> 0:37:47.880
<v Speaker 2>there for them, But you should make it all about

0:37:47.920 --> 0:37:50.320
<v Speaker 2>the kids, so that it's that's the focus.

0:37:50.719 --> 0:37:53.160
<v Speaker 1>Then they have they're both motivated to do something right.

0:37:53.280 --> 0:37:55.560
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, they can be heroes instead of being to blame.

0:37:55.760 --> 0:37:58.040
<v Speaker 3>Right, you know, right, And one thing that might be

0:37:58.080 --> 0:38:00.719
<v Speaker 3>a little bit less confrontational for you or feel a

0:38:00.760 --> 0:38:03.600
<v Speaker 3>little less confrontational is to ask questions like, is this

0:38:03.640 --> 0:38:05.200
<v Speaker 3>how you guys want to be behaving in front of

0:38:05.239 --> 0:38:07.480
<v Speaker 3>your kids? You guys don't want to be fighting, do you?

0:38:08.160 --> 0:38:10.759
<v Speaker 3>And another thing is I think people think and a

0:38:10.760 --> 0:38:13.239
<v Speaker 3>lot of times it doesn't, but people think that like

0:38:13.320 --> 0:38:16.120
<v Speaker 3>couples counseling doesn't really do a lot. But when you

0:38:16.120 --> 0:38:18.400
<v Speaker 3>get a good counselor and you're really like in it

0:38:18.400 --> 0:38:21.120
<v Speaker 3>to win it, they give you tools to actually like

0:38:21.520 --> 0:38:22.600
<v Speaker 3>disrupt these fights.

0:38:22.800 --> 0:38:22.960
<v Speaker 5>You know.

0:38:23.040 --> 0:38:26.080
<v Speaker 3>For example, when Brad and I were first married, we

0:38:26.120 --> 0:38:28.040
<v Speaker 3>went to a couple's counselor for like two years, and

0:38:28.080 --> 0:38:30.640
<v Speaker 3>it was great because it gave us these tools, like,

0:38:30.880 --> 0:38:33.120
<v Speaker 3>for example, if you're kind of arguing about the same

0:38:33.120 --> 0:38:35.400
<v Speaker 3>thing for more than like half an hour, you just stop,

0:38:35.960 --> 0:38:38.480
<v Speaker 3>especially late at night, especially if you've been drinking. So

0:38:38.520 --> 0:38:41.080
<v Speaker 3>it's like actual practical tools that they can get to

0:38:41.560 --> 0:38:44.640
<v Speaker 3>like disrupt these patterns that they've developed.

0:38:45.040 --> 0:38:48.600
<v Speaker 5>And if they shouldn't be together, a couple's therapist will

0:38:48.680 --> 0:38:51.799
<v Speaker 5>help them become more comfortable with the idea of separating.

0:38:52.719 --> 0:38:55.400
<v Speaker 2>Right, And I think you should like present you present

0:38:55.480 --> 0:38:59.360
<v Speaker 2>yourselves as a support system, like we're, you know, in essence,

0:38:59.400 --> 0:39:01.719
<v Speaker 2>the closest people to you because we're related to you,

0:39:02.200 --> 0:39:04.200
<v Speaker 2>so we want to help you. We want to be

0:39:04.239 --> 0:39:05.719
<v Speaker 2>here for you. We would hope you would do the

0:39:05.719 --> 0:39:09.399
<v Speaker 2>same thing for us. And this isn't a judgment, it's

0:39:09.520 --> 0:39:13.040
<v Speaker 2>just it's a little you know, dysfunctional. So like, do

0:39:13.120 --> 0:39:15.160
<v Speaker 2>you want to help yourselves, because we want to help you.

0:39:15.880 --> 0:39:17.400
<v Speaker 2>We want to help take care of the kids. So

0:39:17.480 --> 0:39:19.480
<v Speaker 2>you guys can have time to go to a couple's

0:39:19.520 --> 0:39:21.840
<v Speaker 2>counselor or spend more time alone together and go on

0:39:21.920 --> 0:39:24.759
<v Speaker 2>date nights. Present it as that you know you're their

0:39:24.800 --> 0:39:27.279
<v Speaker 2>best ally and that you're there to help them.

0:39:27.680 --> 0:39:29.680
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, for sure, Yeah, thank you.

0:39:29.680 --> 0:39:31.400
<v Speaker 1>Your husband will be down with that, right.

0:39:31.560 --> 0:39:34.319
<v Speaker 7>Oh definitely. We're on the same page of everything, so

0:39:34.480 --> 0:39:35.680
<v Speaker 7>it will be an easy set.

0:39:35.600 --> 0:39:37.080
<v Speaker 2>And you know, there is a chance it'll all blow

0:39:37.160 --> 0:39:38.680
<v Speaker 2>up in your face because they're not going to want

0:39:38.680 --> 0:39:40.520
<v Speaker 2>to hear the truth, but you have to be prepared

0:39:40.560 --> 0:39:40.759
<v Speaker 2>for that.

0:39:41.600 --> 0:39:44.520
<v Speaker 7>Yeah, And I guess that's also why I'm cautious, because

0:39:44.560 --> 0:39:49.480
<v Speaker 7>I value the relationship that we have. But yeah, I

0:39:49.480 --> 0:39:50.440
<v Speaker 7>think that it's worthy.

0:39:50.880 --> 0:39:51.600
<v Speaker 2>I think so too.

0:39:51.640 --> 0:39:52.920
<v Speaker 1>I think it is very worthy.

0:39:53.040 --> 0:39:55.600
<v Speaker 2>What I find to be very disgrestling or I find

0:39:55.600 --> 0:39:57.799
<v Speaker 2>myself very annoyed by is when people do not.

0:39:58.480 --> 0:39:59.680
<v Speaker 1>I'm an interloper.

0:39:59.719 --> 0:40:01.799
<v Speaker 2>I like to get involved in people's problems and it

0:40:01.840 --> 0:40:04.920
<v Speaker 2>doesn't always go well, believe me. But it takes a

0:40:04.960 --> 0:40:08.280
<v Speaker 2>lot to say something to somebody that is uncomfortable, especially

0:40:08.280 --> 0:40:11.400
<v Speaker 2>when you're a conflict averse like it an. It's an effort.

0:40:11.520 --> 0:40:15.560
<v Speaker 2>It's not like you enjoy telling people, Hi, this is

0:40:15.640 --> 0:40:19.040
<v Speaker 2>unhealthy and this dynamic is unhealthy. No one likes that.

0:40:19.239 --> 0:40:21.960
<v Speaker 2>I don't get off on that, nor to you. But

0:40:22.040 --> 0:40:25.000
<v Speaker 2>it's when you have concern for someone and they're like yeah,

0:40:25.040 --> 0:40:27.759
<v Speaker 2>and especially when there are children involved, there's no better

0:40:27.800 --> 0:40:28.720
<v Speaker 2>reason to get involved.

0:40:28.760 --> 0:40:31.239
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, you wouldn't be doing it unless you love them

0:40:31.320 --> 0:40:33.719
<v Speaker 3>really deeply, and that's obviously where this is coming from.

0:40:34.120 --> 0:40:34.799
<v Speaker 6>Yeah.

0:40:34.800 --> 0:40:37.359
<v Speaker 3>Sure, yeah, you want to follow up with us. If

0:40:37.400 --> 0:40:39.239
<v Speaker 3>you guys have this conversation, I'll let us know how

0:40:39.280 --> 0:40:40.879
<v Speaker 3>it goes, for sure.

0:40:40.920 --> 0:40:41.279
<v Speaker 7>I will.

0:40:41.440 --> 0:40:44.279
<v Speaker 2>Okay, cool, best of luck, dollly bye, Dolly, thanks for

0:40:44.320 --> 0:40:44.719
<v Speaker 2>calling it.

0:40:44.800 --> 0:40:45.279
<v Speaker 6>Thank you.

0:40:46.719 --> 0:40:46.919
<v Speaker 4>Well.

0:40:46.960 --> 0:40:49.280
<v Speaker 2>That was very she was sweet.

0:40:49.480 --> 0:40:51.600
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, no, I know. I hope that all kind of work.

0:40:51.600 --> 0:40:53.560
<v Speaker 2>I mean, it's just so interesting because sometimes are you

0:40:53.880 --> 0:40:55.000
<v Speaker 2>are you an interloper at all.

0:40:55.040 --> 0:40:57.680
<v Speaker 1>Do you get involved with like if.

0:40:57.600 --> 0:41:04.120
<v Speaker 5>I know, but I don't really have I have a few. Well,

0:41:04.160 --> 0:41:09.279
<v Speaker 5>actually I have a few, very few close friendships where

0:41:09.280 --> 0:41:12.840
<v Speaker 5>I would, but I have in the past been like

0:41:14.000 --> 0:41:16.080
<v Speaker 5>yeah with certain girlfriends.

0:41:15.520 --> 0:41:17.479
<v Speaker 1>Time to cool it or get your shit together.

0:41:17.800 --> 0:41:19.240
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, but it's very difficult.

0:41:19.640 --> 0:41:23.560
<v Speaker 2>It is very difficult. Yeah, especially if somebody would can't

0:41:23.640 --> 0:41:27.160
<v Speaker 2>hear anything you're saying. Yes, you know, but most people can't.

0:41:27.200 --> 0:41:29.560
<v Speaker 2>In my experience, most people are like, oh my god,

0:41:29.640 --> 0:41:32.160
<v Speaker 2>thank you so much. And when people have interfered in

0:41:32.160 --> 0:41:34.000
<v Speaker 2>my life and told me like, hey, you're a little

0:41:34.040 --> 0:41:36.520
<v Speaker 2>bit off the rails right now, I have never been

0:41:36.520 --> 0:41:37.040
<v Speaker 2>more grateful.

0:41:37.040 --> 0:41:40.399
<v Speaker 1>And I love it I experienced. Yes, feedback means people

0:41:40.440 --> 0:41:43.040
<v Speaker 1>care about you, exactly. Yeah, it's take it.

0:41:43.040 --> 0:41:46.960
<v Speaker 2>It's so it's effortful to actually have that uncomfortable conversation.

0:41:47.480 --> 0:41:49.080
<v Speaker 1>So you have to know it's coming from love.

0:41:49.160 --> 0:41:51.840
<v Speaker 2>It's not like people want to like, what would be

0:41:51.840 --> 0:41:53.480
<v Speaker 2>the motivation otherwise.

0:41:53.200 --> 0:41:57.400
<v Speaker 3>Right, right, exactly. Well, our next question comes from Beth.

0:41:57.719 --> 0:42:00.359
<v Speaker 3>She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm at thirty three year old

0:42:00.400 --> 0:42:03.040
<v Speaker 3>female that is sick of my familial bullshit. I'm a

0:42:03.040 --> 0:42:04.759
<v Speaker 3>middle child of four, and we grew up in a

0:42:04.840 --> 0:42:08.919
<v Speaker 3>church cult and were raised by emotionally neglectful parents, one

0:42:08.960 --> 0:42:11.520
<v Speaker 3>with alcoholism and the other a shopaholic. I was the

0:42:11.560 --> 0:42:14.320
<v Speaker 3>happy child who has all turned out so well for people. Yes,

0:42:14.320 --> 0:42:17.360
<v Speaker 3>Elias right always is a good story. I was the

0:42:17.360 --> 0:42:19.600
<v Speaker 3>happy child who was always eager to please and stay

0:42:19.600 --> 0:42:22.400
<v Speaker 3>out of trouble. As I left home, I met the

0:42:22.400 --> 0:42:25.080
<v Speaker 3>man I called my husband of eleven years. From the

0:42:25.080 --> 0:42:28.080
<v Speaker 3>moment my family met my spouse, they've been nothing but unsupportive.

0:42:28.560 --> 0:42:30.799
<v Speaker 3>They judged him for his looks, for his wealth, and

0:42:30.880 --> 0:42:33.320
<v Speaker 3>god knows what else made their minds deem him unfit

0:42:33.400 --> 0:42:36.239
<v Speaker 3>for me. It's caused contention with my siblings, and I

0:42:36.280 --> 0:42:38.440
<v Speaker 3>had to come to Jesus moment with my parents eight

0:42:38.560 --> 0:42:41.680
<v Speaker 3>years ago when my therapist suggested I write a letter

0:42:41.680 --> 0:42:43.839
<v Speaker 3>to discuss the hurt my parents caused me and how

0:42:43.840 --> 0:42:46.960
<v Speaker 3>I wanted to reconcile and move forward. This was not

0:42:47.000 --> 0:42:49.520
<v Speaker 3>only thrown in my face, but has ruined their relationship

0:42:49.560 --> 0:42:52.759
<v Speaker 3>ever since. Slowly, I've realized over the years that my

0:42:52.840 --> 0:42:55.200
<v Speaker 3>family is just kind of a bunch of assholes. So

0:42:55.280 --> 0:42:57.440
<v Speaker 3>my question is, when you feel like you've done what

0:42:57.480 --> 0:42:59.480
<v Speaker 3>you can to have a relationship with your family. But

0:42:59.520 --> 0:43:01.840
<v Speaker 3>it hurts too much. When is it time to move on?

0:43:02.200 --> 0:43:05.960
<v Speaker 3>Thank you? Beth, Hi, Hi, hi hi.

0:43:06.040 --> 0:43:09.080
<v Speaker 2>Look at you your standing while you're sitting, and you're alive,

0:43:09.200 --> 0:43:11.120
<v Speaker 2>and you survived a cult.

0:43:11.280 --> 0:43:11.839
<v Speaker 1>Look at you.

0:43:12.600 --> 0:43:15.680
<v Speaker 6>I did it was you know, a lot of speaking

0:43:15.719 --> 0:43:19.080
<v Speaker 6>in tongues and weekend retreats for church. But here we

0:43:19.120 --> 0:43:20.960
<v Speaker 6>are a blessed non believer.

0:43:21.200 --> 0:43:23.640
<v Speaker 1>Christina just said she was born into a mini cult.

0:43:24.160 --> 0:43:29.759
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, but mine had no religious not mine, my father's,

0:43:29.800 --> 0:43:34.800
<v Speaker 5>not my faults, had no religious affiliations. It was pure

0:43:35.160 --> 0:43:38.480
<v Speaker 5>therapy based therapy. It was called the Center for Emotional

0:43:38.480 --> 0:43:40.880
<v Speaker 5>re Education, and it started with he had a primal

0:43:40.920 --> 0:43:45.120
<v Speaker 5>scream therapy group that then became his Wow, hecolytes.

0:43:45.480 --> 0:43:48.120
<v Speaker 2>But why does it that doesn't sound I mean, cults

0:43:48.120 --> 0:43:51.239
<v Speaker 2>have a very negative connotation. They're not positive.

0:43:51.400 --> 0:43:55.480
<v Speaker 5>Really, No, because yeah, because the whole one person wanting

0:43:55.520 --> 0:43:59.560
<v Speaker 5>to control everybody else is right, doesn't always want normal impulse. No,

0:44:00.040 --> 0:44:04.640
<v Speaker 5>So that's usually a man healthy, yes, usually genuinely nefarious, not.

0:44:05.360 --> 0:44:08.000
<v Speaker 1>A man who's having sex with everyone. Yeah.

0:44:08.040 --> 0:44:08.520
<v Speaker 6>Probably.

0:44:09.040 --> 0:44:11.880
<v Speaker 2>I'm of the notion I think when you have exhausted

0:44:11.920 --> 0:44:15.680
<v Speaker 2>all possibilities, like I understand families, family. I'm very close

0:44:15.719 --> 0:44:19.200
<v Speaker 2>to my family. I think highly of remaining trying as

0:44:19.239 --> 0:44:22.080
<v Speaker 2>hard as you can to be close with your family.

0:44:22.160 --> 0:44:25.879
<v Speaker 2>But when you're dealing with that situation, it's so irrational,

0:44:26.080 --> 0:44:30.000
<v Speaker 2>you know. And I'm a fan of just saying enough

0:44:30.080 --> 0:44:32.320
<v Speaker 2>is enough and moving on so that you can enjoy

0:44:32.320 --> 0:44:35.600
<v Speaker 2>yourself and enjoy your life and be happy with your partner.

0:44:35.920 --> 0:44:38.920
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, I hadn't seen my father since I was fifteen

0:44:39.080 --> 0:44:42.480
<v Speaker 5>when he died. I was like thirty eight for context,

0:44:43.200 --> 0:44:46.160
<v Speaker 5>But mus you died, Yeah, and don't I don't speak

0:44:46.160 --> 0:44:48.840
<v Speaker 5>to one of my siblings, And it is you know,

0:44:48.920 --> 0:44:51.359
<v Speaker 5>you do have. I've experienced a lot of guilts over

0:44:51.360 --> 0:44:54.560
<v Speaker 5>the years about it. But at the same time, it's

0:44:55.320 --> 0:44:58.920
<v Speaker 5>those are negative influences on me. They were toxic. It

0:44:59.080 --> 0:45:04.080
<v Speaker 5>was not healthy for me. So you need to protect yourself.

0:45:04.080 --> 0:45:07.600
<v Speaker 2>You do. And like the idea, like the toxicity that

0:45:07.640 --> 0:45:10.120
<v Speaker 2>these people have, like the impact it has on you

0:45:10.360 --> 0:45:14.120
<v Speaker 2>is really never Like you can't overstate that enough that

0:45:14.760 --> 0:45:17.319
<v Speaker 2>the impact that having that kind of negativity around you

0:45:17.440 --> 0:45:21.239
<v Speaker 2>will yield in your life. You really you're choosing, like

0:45:21.280 --> 0:45:23.279
<v Speaker 2>this is your opportunity. You didn't get to choose whether

0:45:23.360 --> 0:45:25.239
<v Speaker 2>or not you were born into a cult. Now you

0:45:25.280 --> 0:45:27.279
<v Speaker 2>get to choose what your future is going to look like,

0:45:27.680 --> 0:45:30.160
<v Speaker 2>and so you have every right to just say enough

0:45:30.200 --> 0:45:32.440
<v Speaker 2>is enough. Do you have other brothers and sisters that

0:45:32.480 --> 0:45:33.080
<v Speaker 2>you do talk to?

0:45:33.400 --> 0:45:34.480
<v Speaker 1>How many siblings do you have?

0:45:34.719 --> 0:45:37.799
<v Speaker 5>I have three siblings, and I'm really close with my

0:45:37.880 --> 0:45:40.759
<v Speaker 5>sister and my oldest brother, and then I'm close with

0:45:40.800 --> 0:45:44.840
<v Speaker 5>my mother. But you know, my father was a crazy person,

0:45:45.560 --> 0:45:50.439
<v Speaker 5>and unfortunately one of my brothers was. You know, it's

0:45:50.440 --> 0:45:53.080
<v Speaker 5>not his fault because he was an abusive situation, but

0:45:53.480 --> 0:45:57.560
<v Speaker 5>it resulted in behavior that was not safe for the

0:45:57.600 --> 0:45:59.319
<v Speaker 5>other children around, right, and.

0:45:59.239 --> 0:46:01.319
<v Speaker 2>When it's a big and when that happens, then there

0:46:01.440 --> 0:46:04.120
<v Speaker 2>is it doesn't of course, it's no one's fault of

0:46:04.160 --> 0:46:07.200
<v Speaker 2>the circumstances they're born into. But that kid doesn't mean

0:46:07.200 --> 0:46:08.799
<v Speaker 2>that you're allowed to be around them like that. You

0:46:08.840 --> 0:46:10.759
<v Speaker 2>have to allow yourself to you know, allow them to

0:46:10.760 --> 0:46:12.799
<v Speaker 2>be around you or what have you.

0:46:13.360 --> 0:46:16.480
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, there's just so many outside opinions, and I was

0:46:16.520 --> 0:46:18.839
<v Speaker 6>just so curious to hear thoughts from you gals of

0:46:18.960 --> 0:46:21.160
<v Speaker 6>you know what that looks like? Of you know, well,

0:46:21.200 --> 0:46:23.600
<v Speaker 6>you should be thankful your parents are alive. And it's like, well,

0:46:23.800 --> 0:46:27.080
<v Speaker 6>when everything they say is a judgmental comment or something

0:46:27.120 --> 0:46:30.759
<v Speaker 6>you know coming at you that isn't loving and accepting.

0:46:31.520 --> 0:46:34.239
<v Speaker 6>Should I You know, I don't think so. With my

0:46:34.280 --> 0:46:37.320
<v Speaker 6>own maternal mother, it's it's never been accepting and loving.

0:46:37.600 --> 0:46:38.720
<v Speaker 6>There's always been judgment.

0:46:39.440 --> 0:46:41.480
<v Speaker 5>Yeah. I mean, you get to choose now as an adult,

0:46:41.520 --> 0:46:43.319
<v Speaker 5>how you want to be treated and who you want

0:46:43.360 --> 0:46:47.719
<v Speaker 5>around you. And families should be held in almost the

0:46:47.760 --> 0:46:50.560
<v Speaker 5>same standards as friends, you know. If they don't, Yeah,

0:46:50.800 --> 0:46:54.080
<v Speaker 5>if you don't enhance each other's lives, then what's the point.

0:46:54.280 --> 0:46:56.160
<v Speaker 5>We can all feel bad enough on our own.

0:46:56.600 --> 0:46:58.040
<v Speaker 6>Why are you in it exactly?

0:46:58.160 --> 0:47:00.600
<v Speaker 4>Don't need like an extra person to make you feel worse.

0:47:02.160 --> 0:47:04.200
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, it's just something that's always felt, Like, you know,

0:47:04.400 --> 0:47:06.200
<v Speaker 6>it's a guilt that I haven't been able to let

0:47:06.200 --> 0:47:08.440
<v Speaker 6>go of of. Well, they're alive and they're there, so

0:47:08.520 --> 0:47:12.200
<v Speaker 6>why don't you keep trying. We'll both parties have to try,

0:47:12.280 --> 0:47:14.680
<v Speaker 6>and it's just been such a hard thing to try

0:47:14.719 --> 0:47:16.960
<v Speaker 6>to let go of of. Yeah, they're alive, but they're

0:47:17.040 --> 0:47:19.680
<v Speaker 6>just kind of shitty. It's just not healthy.

0:47:20.560 --> 0:47:23.839
<v Speaker 3>Yeah. I think one thing I would encourage you to do, Like,

0:47:24.400 --> 0:47:27.120
<v Speaker 3>if you are making this decision to go no contact,

0:47:27.120 --> 0:47:30.120
<v Speaker 3>like for forever or for an extended period of time

0:47:30.360 --> 0:47:32.960
<v Speaker 3>is to maybe this is through meditation, maybe this is

0:47:32.960 --> 0:47:35.680
<v Speaker 3>through therapy, but find a way for yourself to sort

0:47:35.680 --> 0:47:38.160
<v Speaker 3>of release some negativity around it.

0:47:38.320 --> 0:47:38.960
<v Speaker 4>And the guilts.

0:47:39.000 --> 0:47:41.120
<v Speaker 5>The guilt can be a real killer, you know, like

0:47:41.280 --> 0:47:43.440
<v Speaker 5>it's it's I used to wake up in the middle

0:47:43.440 --> 0:47:43.879
<v Speaker 5>of the night.

0:47:44.440 --> 0:47:46.560
<v Speaker 6>That's my biggest problem is the guilt. Because right now

0:47:46.600 --> 0:47:49.279
<v Speaker 6>I'm doing so well on my mental health space, but

0:47:49.680 --> 0:47:52.600
<v Speaker 6>when I'm not, that guilt seeps back in and it's like,

0:47:52.760 --> 0:47:55.160
<v Speaker 6>you know, you're a bad daughter, You're a bad child,

0:47:55.239 --> 0:47:58.239
<v Speaker 6>you know, whatever the case, and it's like, but no,

0:47:58.560 --> 0:47:58.880
<v Speaker 6>I'm not.

0:47:59.360 --> 0:48:01.480
<v Speaker 5>I think the more you do I don't know, just

0:48:01.480 --> 0:48:03.920
<v Speaker 5>from personal experience, the more I did work on feeling

0:48:04.040 --> 0:48:07.560
<v Speaker 5>like I was the most important person to myself, you know,

0:48:08.440 --> 0:48:12.080
<v Speaker 5>then you feel less guilt or viewing yourself as your

0:48:12.080 --> 0:48:15.680
<v Speaker 5>own child in a way, you're protecting you, you know,

0:48:15.800 --> 0:48:19.720
<v Speaker 5>you little you from things you couldn't protect yourself from before.

0:48:20.280 --> 0:48:22.840
<v Speaker 5>Just there are different ways that you'll learn in therapy

0:48:23.000 --> 0:48:26.560
<v Speaker 5>to view the situation or from doing research or reading

0:48:27.000 --> 0:48:29.160
<v Speaker 5>that will help you feel less guilty.

0:48:29.440 --> 0:48:31.080
<v Speaker 2>I guess, yeah, I think the guilt is a big

0:48:31.080 --> 0:48:33.480
<v Speaker 2>thing for everybody because you can always go back to that.

0:48:33.560 --> 0:48:35.040
<v Speaker 1>But I love what she just said.

0:48:35.120 --> 0:48:38.279
<v Speaker 2>Christina just said about acting like it's your own child, Like,

0:48:38.320 --> 0:48:40.239
<v Speaker 2>would you allow your child to be treated this way?

0:48:40.239 --> 0:48:42.080
<v Speaker 2>Would you allow your child to be in a relationship

0:48:42.120 --> 0:48:44.640
<v Speaker 2>where they're constantly being judged and made to feel bad,

0:48:45.200 --> 0:48:47.799
<v Speaker 2>and then the partner, the person that they chose, is

0:48:47.840 --> 0:48:51.400
<v Speaker 2>also you know, being judged. No, you're setting yourself up

0:48:51.440 --> 0:48:55.680
<v Speaker 2>for just all sorts of negativity and guilt patterns. Like

0:48:55.840 --> 0:48:57.920
<v Speaker 2>part of the reason why you feel guilty is because

0:48:57.920 --> 0:49:00.960
<v Speaker 2>of the manipulation, you know, and so you really do

0:49:01.040 --> 0:49:02.960
<v Speaker 2>want to do work to get rid of that guilt,

0:49:03.160 --> 0:49:06.839
<v Speaker 2>Like you're you're empowering yourself by saying no more. It's

0:49:06.880 --> 0:49:09.279
<v Speaker 2>like talking to an abuser. I mean, if the relationship

0:49:09.360 --> 0:49:12.440
<v Speaker 2>isn't feeding you, it's doing something else. So what's the

0:49:12.440 --> 0:49:14.400
<v Speaker 2>opposite of feeding you, It's taking from.

0:49:14.280 --> 0:49:18.120
<v Speaker 6>You, right exactly. Yeah. The biggest revelation I had this

0:49:18.200 --> 0:49:20.080
<v Speaker 6>year was I have a couple family members who have

0:49:20.120 --> 0:49:22.120
<v Speaker 6>had children, and you know, they're getting to an age

0:49:22.120 --> 0:49:24.360
<v Speaker 6>where now I had those memories as a child, and

0:49:24.600 --> 0:49:26.120
<v Speaker 6>my mom said to me, and I'm like, I would

0:49:26.320 --> 0:49:29.080
<v Speaker 6>never say that to my nephew and my niece ever

0:49:29.719 --> 0:49:31.680
<v Speaker 6>and my own mother, you know, and dad did that,

0:49:31.719 --> 0:49:34.640
<v Speaker 6>and it's like, I would never do that, you know,

0:49:34.719 --> 0:49:36.840
<v Speaker 6>as their aunt who loves them. Why would you?

0:49:36.920 --> 0:49:37.160
<v Speaker 1>Ever?

0:49:37.880 --> 0:49:38.600
<v Speaker 6>It's are your.

0:49:38.440 --> 0:49:39.439
<v Speaker 2>Parents still in the cult?

0:49:39.520 --> 0:49:40.000
<v Speaker 1>Did you say?

0:49:40.080 --> 0:49:41.000
<v Speaker 2>Or are they out of it?

0:49:41.440 --> 0:49:44.279
<v Speaker 6>No? But they're still avid Christians and love to use

0:49:44.320 --> 0:49:45.800
<v Speaker 6>that guilt against.

0:49:45.360 --> 0:49:47.719
<v Speaker 2>You, which is stupid. Yeah.

0:49:47.920 --> 0:49:52.040
<v Speaker 1>All religion, you know, like just it's insane. Is the

0:49:52.120 --> 0:49:55.399
<v Speaker 1>root of all discord in our world? You know, yes,

0:49:55.480 --> 0:49:57.240
<v Speaker 1>it all comes down to religion.

0:49:57.040 --> 0:50:01.440
<v Speaker 6>Like yeah, And what's crazy is so yes, they're avid Christians,

0:50:01.440 --> 0:50:03.840
<v Speaker 6>but so were my in laws, the most loving and

0:50:03.920 --> 0:50:06.680
<v Speaker 6>accepting humans who know I don't believe in God, but

0:50:06.800 --> 0:50:08.520
<v Speaker 6>couldn't care less, you.

0:50:08.480 --> 0:50:11.279
<v Speaker 2>Know, with them, Go be with them, you know, that's

0:50:11.280 --> 0:50:12.879
<v Speaker 2>where the light is. Go towards the light.

0:50:13.280 --> 0:50:14.880
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, I'm swimming towards it.

0:50:15.200 --> 0:50:18.240
<v Speaker 2>Okay, great, you can swim, walk, you know, rollerblade however

0:50:18.280 --> 0:50:22.600
<v Speaker 2>you want to get whatever? Yeah, yeah, girl, get after it. Well,

0:50:22.600 --> 0:50:25.040
<v Speaker 2>that's good. I'm glad. Do you feel better now?

0:50:25.600 --> 0:50:28.000
<v Speaker 6>My only question, I guess would be because right now

0:50:28.040 --> 0:50:30.840
<v Speaker 6>I am so good mentally what I've worked on throughout

0:50:30.840 --> 0:50:33.359
<v Speaker 6>this year. When I am in my darkest places, in

0:50:33.400 --> 0:50:36.440
<v Speaker 6>my depression and anxiety, and that guilt comes in. You know,

0:50:36.520 --> 0:50:38.799
<v Speaker 6>what would be your biggest advice there to try to

0:50:38.840 --> 0:50:41.759
<v Speaker 6>talk myself out of that. That's where I struggle the most,

0:50:41.800 --> 0:50:43.520
<v Speaker 6>is when I'm not doing okay mentally.

0:50:43.960 --> 0:50:47.239
<v Speaker 2>Well, that's where everyone struggles the most, and so well,

0:50:47.440 --> 0:50:49.200
<v Speaker 2>you know a good example of this is that book

0:50:49.280 --> 0:50:51.000
<v Speaker 2>Letting Go. You should pick up that.

0:50:51.080 --> 0:50:52.360
<v Speaker 6>I just started listening to it.

0:50:52.480 --> 0:50:53.840
<v Speaker 2>You did, Oh yeah.

0:50:53.640 --> 0:50:54.160
<v Speaker 1>Then there you go.

0:50:54.239 --> 0:50:57.359
<v Speaker 2>It's there's a whole section about guilt and it's really

0:50:57.440 --> 0:51:00.879
<v Speaker 2>quite beautiful. And I actually tried this the other night.

0:51:01.000 --> 0:51:02.759
<v Speaker 2>I was stoned. So I just want to put that

0:51:02.800 --> 0:51:04.720
<v Speaker 2>out there because that helps me get to a little

0:51:04.760 --> 0:51:06.799
<v Speaker 2>like more of a meditative place when I'm trying to

0:51:07.040 --> 0:51:10.319
<v Speaker 2>be in touch with myself. But I had I was

0:51:10.320 --> 0:51:12.799
<v Speaker 2>having all these kind of like negative emotions and I

0:51:12.840 --> 0:51:14.520
<v Speaker 2>hadn't for a couple of weeks. I was feeling pretty

0:51:14.560 --> 0:51:17.480
<v Speaker 2>high and vibing pretty high, right, and I had read

0:51:17.560 --> 0:51:19.520
<v Speaker 2>Letting Go, and I just just.

0:51:19.440 --> 0:51:20.040
<v Speaker 1>Set me straight.

0:51:20.080 --> 0:51:21.799
<v Speaker 2>I read it every couple of years. It's this book

0:51:21.800 --> 0:51:23.319
<v Speaker 2>by David Hawkings. Have you ever heard of it?

0:51:23.360 --> 0:51:23.560
<v Speaker 4>I have?

0:51:23.760 --> 0:51:26.120
<v Speaker 2>Okay, And I was sitting there and I was like, okay,

0:51:26.120 --> 0:51:29.560
<v Speaker 2>the negative feelings you can't repress or suppress. You have

0:51:29.640 --> 0:51:32.480
<v Speaker 2>to acknowledge, and guilt is one of those feelings. So

0:51:32.520 --> 0:51:34.719
<v Speaker 2>you acknowledge that it's there, and you kind of think

0:51:34.760 --> 0:51:36.359
<v Speaker 2>about where it is in your body. You know, when

0:51:36.400 --> 0:51:39.880
<v Speaker 2>you're feeling anxious or uneasy, it's usually in your stomach,

0:51:40.000 --> 0:51:41.839
<v Speaker 2>or it can be in your chest, and sometimes it's

0:51:41.840 --> 0:51:43.960
<v Speaker 2>in your head, right, like you feel pressure.

0:51:44.360 --> 0:51:44.799
<v Speaker 1>And so I.

0:51:44.760 --> 0:51:47.640
<v Speaker 2>Remember I was lying in bed, I smoked a little bowl,

0:51:47.800 --> 0:51:49.680
<v Speaker 2>and I was like, I wonder where these feelings are

0:51:49.680 --> 0:51:52.360
<v Speaker 2>coming from. What is the motion behind it? Just like

0:51:52.360 --> 0:51:54.680
<v Speaker 2>the book says like am I feeling insecure? Am I

0:51:54.680 --> 0:51:57.600
<v Speaker 2>feeling fearful? Do I feel scarcity? Like where is this

0:51:57.680 --> 0:51:59.959
<v Speaker 2>coming from? And I was like, don't try to figure

0:52:00.239 --> 0:52:02.640
<v Speaker 2>out what it is, just acknowledge that the feeling is there.

0:52:03.160 --> 0:52:06.160
<v Speaker 2>And it was a very spiritual experience I had every

0:52:06.280 --> 0:52:08.400
<v Speaker 2>I felt it in my stomach and then it started

0:52:08.440 --> 0:52:10.040
<v Speaker 2>to move and I was like, it's okay, it's okay,

0:52:10.160 --> 0:52:12.040
<v Speaker 2>just let it be here and it's going to disappear.

0:52:12.160 --> 0:52:15.160
<v Speaker 2>So you're acknowledging it. You're not denying it right or

0:52:15.200 --> 0:52:17.960
<v Speaker 2>repressing or suppressing it. And then I felt it kind

0:52:17.960 --> 0:52:20.800
<v Speaker 2>of move up through my chest and it was really heavy,

0:52:21.280 --> 0:52:24.239
<v Speaker 2>and I felt it go through my throat and then

0:52:24.280 --> 0:52:27.640
<v Speaker 2>it was gone. And that's what this book talks about.

0:52:27.680 --> 0:52:30.960
<v Speaker 2>And I've never been able to accomplish that. I'm always like, oh, okay,

0:52:31.000 --> 0:52:33.880
<v Speaker 2>how do you let go of these emotions that aren't

0:52:33.880 --> 0:52:35.960
<v Speaker 2>serving you? You know, because it's not serving you. Guilt

0:52:36.040 --> 0:52:38.440
<v Speaker 2>it never serves anybody. And I woke up in the

0:52:38.440 --> 0:52:40.680
<v Speaker 2>morning and I just felt like so much lighter than

0:52:40.719 --> 0:52:43.120
<v Speaker 2>I had the day before, and I was back on track.

0:52:43.600 --> 0:52:46.040
<v Speaker 2>So when you get to that part about guilt in

0:52:46.120 --> 0:52:49.560
<v Speaker 2>this book, listen to it over and over and over

0:52:49.680 --> 0:52:53.399
<v Speaker 2>again until you understand how it's just not of use

0:52:53.440 --> 0:52:56.440
<v Speaker 2>to you, and practice that. Like it's good to acknowledge

0:52:56.480 --> 0:52:59.359
<v Speaker 2>where you feel something in your body because then you're

0:52:59.400 --> 0:53:01.799
<v Speaker 2>not running from it. And when you run from it

0:53:01.840 --> 0:53:04.719
<v Speaker 2>is when it keeps coming back because you're not facing it.

0:53:04.680 --> 0:53:07.320
<v Speaker 5>And you make terrible choices, right, And I didn't behavior

0:53:07.360 --> 0:53:09.120
<v Speaker 5>just leave it to let me tell you.

0:53:09.239 --> 0:53:13.000
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, so you seem awesome and you seem, you know,

0:53:13.120 --> 0:53:16.000
<v Speaker 2>like a beautiful person, and I don't want you to

0:53:16.160 --> 0:53:18.799
<v Speaker 2>feel like, you know, hampered by your family or this

0:53:18.920 --> 0:53:21.880
<v Speaker 2>obligation to them. You know they've worn out there welcome

0:53:22.000 --> 0:53:24.040
<v Speaker 2>and you don't have to write them off forever. But

0:53:24.200 --> 0:53:26.759
<v Speaker 2>when they want to come around in a loving, positive way,

0:53:26.840 --> 0:53:28.880
<v Speaker 2>then you will welcome them with open arms.

0:53:29.440 --> 0:53:32.160
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, that makes complete sense. I'm looking forward to that chapter,

0:53:32.360 --> 0:53:34.200
<v Speaker 6>just a couple of chapters in not there yet.

0:53:34.360 --> 0:53:36.680
<v Speaker 2>Okay, good, you'll see what I'm talking about.

0:53:36.880 --> 0:53:37.600
<v Speaker 6>That's wonderful.

0:53:37.680 --> 0:53:39.399
<v Speaker 3>Thank you, Thank you so much, Beth.

0:53:40.160 --> 0:53:41.719
<v Speaker 6>Thanks everyone, have a good day.

0:53:42.200 --> 0:53:44.040
<v Speaker 2>Do you guys have any idea what I'm talking about

0:53:44.080 --> 0:53:45.600
<v Speaker 2>when I say that you.

0:53:45.800 --> 0:53:48.319
<v Speaker 5>Describing, I had no idea that you could, that you

0:53:48.360 --> 0:53:51.279
<v Speaker 5>would ever be able to have that experience in such

0:53:51.280 --> 0:53:54.640
<v Speaker 5>a tangible way. I mean, neither felt like letting things

0:53:54.680 --> 0:53:56.880
<v Speaker 5>go to me is always felt like a metaphor yea,

0:53:57.000 --> 0:53:57.480
<v Speaker 5>not just like.

0:53:57.520 --> 0:54:00.200
<v Speaker 2>It right right, but it is book. They tell you

0:54:00.239 --> 0:54:02.319
<v Speaker 2>exactly what to do, like you know, to sit with

0:54:02.360 --> 0:54:06.120
<v Speaker 2>these feelings that are uncomfortable and then surrender like Okay,

0:54:06.239 --> 0:54:10.200
<v Speaker 2>I feel I feel envy or whatever the feeling, because but.

0:54:10.120 --> 0:54:13.720
<v Speaker 5>Do you engage with thoughts like do you like delve

0:54:13.719 --> 0:54:15.680
<v Speaker 5>in and you're like, great, so I feel envious. I'm

0:54:15.680 --> 0:54:18.239
<v Speaker 5>going to really experience how jealous I am of.

0:54:18.520 --> 0:54:21.759
<v Speaker 1>No, No, it's not like I feel envy.

0:54:21.800 --> 0:54:24.360
<v Speaker 2>I accept it. It's here, Okay, okay, it's here, like

0:54:24.440 --> 0:54:27.279
<v Speaker 2>I'm not in denial because you know, sometimes if I

0:54:27.360 --> 0:54:30.120
<v Speaker 2>felt envy in the past, I would go I'd push

0:54:30.160 --> 0:54:32.120
<v Speaker 2>it away, like oh no, no, I just don't like

0:54:32.320 --> 0:54:35.560
<v Speaker 2>that person. It's like, no, no, you're envious. You don't

0:54:35.560 --> 0:54:37.040
<v Speaker 2>not like this person, You're.

0:54:36.880 --> 0:54:37.480
<v Speaker 1>Just being you know.

0:54:37.520 --> 0:54:41.240
<v Speaker 2>I would just just completely ignore what's behind all those thoughts.

0:54:41.560 --> 0:54:44.680
<v Speaker 2>So that was a pretty metaphysical thing that happened to

0:54:44.719 --> 0:54:46.560
<v Speaker 2>me the other night, and I was like, oh, and

0:54:46.640 --> 0:54:49.440
<v Speaker 2>it's a constant, like you don't just surrender that and

0:54:49.480 --> 0:54:52.120
<v Speaker 2>then the feeling is gone forever. It can come back

0:54:52.160 --> 0:54:53.760
<v Speaker 2>and then you have to do the same thing again.

0:54:54.120 --> 0:54:56.440
<v Speaker 2>But now I know that I actually felt it, like

0:54:56.600 --> 0:54:57.600
<v Speaker 2>moved through my system.

0:54:57.719 --> 0:54:59.040
<v Speaker 4>That's crazy. I want to try that.

0:54:59.160 --> 0:54:59.399
<v Speaker 5>Yeah.

0:54:59.400 --> 0:55:01.759
<v Speaker 3>It's like the min body connection, like when you when

0:55:01.760 --> 0:55:04.120
<v Speaker 3>you start to be able to feel okay, I have

0:55:04.200 --> 0:55:06.759
<v Speaker 3>this emotion, but where is it physically? And then you

0:55:06.800 --> 0:55:08.960
<v Speaker 3>realize like, oh yeah, it's in my stomach or it's here,

0:55:09.000 --> 0:55:10.719
<v Speaker 3>or it's here, it's here, and then you kind of

0:55:10.760 --> 0:55:11.839
<v Speaker 3>process it a little bit more.

0:55:12.080 --> 0:55:15.800
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, well all right, we got to share that today.

0:55:15.960 --> 0:55:17.920
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, well, let's take a quick break and we'll do

0:55:18.040 --> 0:55:19.640
<v Speaker 3>a little QUICKI sister drama.

0:55:19.920 --> 0:55:20.600
<v Speaker 1>Oh I love it.

0:55:20.640 --> 0:55:22.000
<v Speaker 2>Okay, we're gonna take a break and we're going to

0:55:22.080 --> 0:55:24.000
<v Speaker 2>come back and wrap up with Christina Riccie.

0:55:28.239 --> 0:55:29.000
<v Speaker 1>And we're back.

0:55:29.520 --> 0:55:33.640
<v Speaker 3>We are back. So our last email comes from Missy.

0:55:34.200 --> 0:55:37.480
<v Speaker 3>Her subject line is my sister got pregnant to compete

0:55:37.520 --> 0:55:41.319
<v Speaker 3>with me here, Chelsea, I've had a long history of

0:55:41.360 --> 0:55:44.480
<v Speaker 3>my two years older sister trying to take every milestone

0:55:44.480 --> 0:55:46.520
<v Speaker 3>in my life and turn it into a traumatic event

0:55:46.600 --> 0:55:49.360
<v Speaker 3>in her life. When I got engaged years ago, she

0:55:49.440 --> 0:55:52.640
<v Speaker 3>faked a cry for help suicide attempt. I've always had

0:55:52.640 --> 0:55:55.920
<v Speaker 3>her back, despite her obvious hatred of me. She's married

0:55:55.920 --> 0:55:58.160
<v Speaker 3>now with a four year old son, and she's told everyone,

0:55:58.280 --> 0:56:01.120
<v Speaker 3>friends and family that she is done have kids. My

0:56:01.239 --> 0:56:03.120
<v Speaker 3>husband and I have been trying for about a year,

0:56:03.280 --> 0:56:07.200
<v Speaker 3>started fertility treatments two months ago, and I've purposely kept

0:56:07.239 --> 0:56:10.000
<v Speaker 3>this a secret from my sister. Long story short, my

0:56:10.040 --> 0:56:12.200
<v Speaker 3>mom spilled the beans to her and I get a

0:56:12.200 --> 0:56:14.600
<v Speaker 3>call from my sister five weeks later telling me she's

0:56:14.640 --> 0:56:17.719
<v Speaker 3>four weeks pregnant. Way too early to tell anyone. Let alone,

0:56:17.760 --> 0:56:20.560
<v Speaker 3>you're infertile, sister, like she couldn't wait to tell me

0:56:20.600 --> 0:56:23.200
<v Speaker 3>and my husband. I can't wrap my mind around why

0:56:23.200 --> 0:56:25.400
<v Speaker 3>she would secretly try at the same time as me,

0:56:25.840 --> 0:56:29.120
<v Speaker 3>if it wasn't out of competition. I know this sounds crazy,

0:56:29.160 --> 0:56:31.040
<v Speaker 3>but all of my friends that have known her past

0:56:31.040 --> 0:56:33.680
<v Speaker 3>behavior are not shocked at all by this. I'm struggling

0:56:33.760 --> 0:56:36.520
<v Speaker 3>to deal and now I'm being alienated from my family.

0:56:37.000 --> 0:56:39.080
<v Speaker 3>I can't, for the life of me, understand why my

0:56:39.120 --> 0:56:40.960
<v Speaker 3>sister would want me to feel this hurt? Am I

0:56:41.000 --> 0:56:46.280
<v Speaker 3>wrong for being angry? Missy complicated?

0:56:46.760 --> 0:56:47.439
<v Speaker 1>What do you think?

0:56:54.200 --> 0:56:55.000
<v Speaker 2>It's a tricky want?

0:56:55.080 --> 0:56:58.120
<v Speaker 5>It's tricky because I do think that a lot of

0:56:58.120 --> 0:56:59.200
<v Speaker 5>this has to do with.

0:56:59.400 --> 0:57:01.399
<v Speaker 4>Perspective, you know what I mean?

0:57:01.560 --> 0:57:06.120
<v Speaker 5>Well, like she's it outside of in another context.

0:57:06.360 --> 0:57:10.080
<v Speaker 1>All of this could just be coincidence, yeah.

0:57:09.640 --> 0:57:13.239
<v Speaker 5>And like people living their lives and things happening at

0:57:13.400 --> 0:57:18.120
<v Speaker 5>unfortunate times. But if you're a person who's been in

0:57:18.160 --> 0:57:21.120
<v Speaker 5>the relationship and knows that it's more loaded than that,

0:57:21.440 --> 0:57:25.760
<v Speaker 5>then there's that element too. But I think in situations

0:57:25.800 --> 0:57:27.360
<v Speaker 5>like this, I always feel like the only power I

0:57:27.400 --> 0:57:29.720
<v Speaker 5>have is to not is to choose to not.

0:57:29.680 --> 0:57:30.520
<v Speaker 4>Be affected by it.

0:57:30.840 --> 0:57:33.920
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, like, why does it lessen your pregnancy any to

0:57:33.960 --> 0:57:35.120
<v Speaker 5>have someone else get pregnant?

0:57:35.160 --> 0:57:38.720
<v Speaker 2>Also, yeah, I would say that you're you're actively being

0:57:38.840 --> 0:57:41.480
<v Speaker 2>You're part of the problem because of your reaction to

0:57:41.560 --> 0:57:44.840
<v Speaker 2>your sister. And if if your sister really is doing

0:57:44.880 --> 0:57:47.080
<v Speaker 2>these things to get a rise out of you, or

0:57:47.200 --> 0:57:50.439
<v Speaker 2>that is part of her agenda, it's working. So you

0:57:50.480 --> 0:57:55.360
<v Speaker 2>actually have to like retreat and actually figure out that

0:57:55.400 --> 0:57:58.680
<v Speaker 2>your life doesn't have to be impacted so negatively by her.

0:57:58.720 --> 0:58:00.320
<v Speaker 2>And I know that you're probably going, but you don't

0:58:00.400 --> 0:58:03.360
<v Speaker 2>understand what she's done, all the things she's done to me.

0:58:03.880 --> 0:58:06.560
<v Speaker 2>Yet I believe you that your sister's done a lot

0:58:06.560 --> 0:58:08.960
<v Speaker 2>of things to you, and you feel like she's undercutting

0:58:08.960 --> 0:58:12.600
<v Speaker 2>you and stealing your thunder, But your behavior is as

0:58:12.640 --> 0:58:15.960
<v Speaker 2>responsible for this dynamic as hers, Like your reaction to

0:58:16.000 --> 0:58:19.480
<v Speaker 2>this is exactly what she's looking for. If everything you

0:58:19.520 --> 0:58:22.240
<v Speaker 2>say is true and your motivations are what you think,

0:58:22.560 --> 0:58:24.120
<v Speaker 2>she is trying to get a rise out of you,

0:58:24.400 --> 0:58:26.800
<v Speaker 2>and she does want to compete with you, So you

0:58:26.840 --> 0:58:29.480
<v Speaker 2>have to withdraw from that, and you have to do

0:58:29.520 --> 0:58:32.560
<v Speaker 2>that with a lot of work on yourself with your therapist,

0:58:33.040 --> 0:58:35.480
<v Speaker 2>because you can't change her. But you can change yourself

0:58:35.520 --> 0:58:37.520
<v Speaker 2>and you can change the way that you respond to her.

0:58:37.920 --> 0:58:41.120
<v Speaker 2>And her baby is not your baby. That's a totally

0:58:41.160 --> 0:58:44.800
<v Speaker 2>separate situation. Your marriage is different from her marriage. You're

0:58:44.840 --> 0:58:47.280
<v Speaker 2>going to have your sister unfortunately for a long time,

0:58:47.800 --> 0:58:50.040
<v Speaker 2>So you better figure out a better way to cope

0:58:50.080 --> 0:58:53.919
<v Speaker 2>with this. And what if you thought of it and thought,

0:58:54.000 --> 0:58:57.240
<v Speaker 2>oh my god, how wonderful that my sister got pregnant. Well,

0:58:57.280 --> 0:59:00.360
<v Speaker 2>how fun we can raise our kids together. What if

0:59:00.360 --> 0:59:03.560
<v Speaker 2>you just like turn the table so far on the

0:59:03.600 --> 0:59:07.040
<v Speaker 2>situation that you create a completely different reality between you

0:59:07.120 --> 0:59:07.720
<v Speaker 2>and your sister.

0:59:08.120 --> 0:59:10.680
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, and I think especially since you are going through

0:59:10.720 --> 0:59:14.800
<v Speaker 3>fertility stuff, like it makes everything feel so much more heightened.

0:59:14.960 --> 0:59:18.120
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, just in general, this is a very difficult time. Yeah,

0:59:18.120 --> 0:59:21.200
<v Speaker 2>we're dealing with this a major election, We're dealing with

0:59:21.240 --> 0:59:24.880
<v Speaker 2>women's rights being rolled back. You're dealing with that IVF,

0:59:24.920 --> 0:59:27.640
<v Speaker 2>which is a total dipsy doodle on your brain, chemistry

0:59:27.680 --> 0:59:31.720
<v Speaker 2>and everything. So you have to also just like sometimes

0:59:31.760 --> 0:59:34.200
<v Speaker 2>take your emotions out of the situation and look at

0:59:34.200 --> 0:59:36.960
<v Speaker 2>the situation like you're not involved in it. And I'm

0:59:36.960 --> 0:59:39.000
<v Speaker 2>not saying any of the stuff you're saying is untrue,

0:59:39.200 --> 0:59:40.960
<v Speaker 2>but you have to find a better way to deal

0:59:41.000 --> 0:59:43.760
<v Speaker 2>with this, because otherwise this is just a cycle that

0:59:43.800 --> 0:59:44.520
<v Speaker 2>will continue.

0:59:44.800 --> 0:59:48.280
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I also feel like she may be doing stuff

0:59:48.280 --> 0:59:51.120
<v Speaker 3>to intentionally hurtful, But there's also a world in which

0:59:51.720 --> 0:59:55.080
<v Speaker 3>it's possible that she's just so self involved and like thoughtless,

0:59:55.240 --> 0:59:58.120
<v Speaker 3>that she doesn't think about how it's impacting you at all,

0:59:58.560 --> 1:00:01.120
<v Speaker 3>and the result is the same hurt and everything, and

1:00:01.160 --> 1:00:03.040
<v Speaker 3>the what you need to do as far as like

1:00:03.120 --> 1:00:06.040
<v Speaker 3>freeing yourself from this is the same. But she may

1:00:06.040 --> 1:00:10.520
<v Speaker 3>also just be like not thinking about anybody but herself, right, yeah, yeah, right.

1:00:11.240 --> 1:00:13.440
<v Speaker 2>Okay, Well, on that note, Christina, how would you rate

1:00:13.480 --> 1:00:14.720
<v Speaker 2>your advice giving today?

1:00:14.880 --> 1:00:16.640
<v Speaker 4>I mean, I think I'm not bad. I need to

1:00:16.760 --> 1:00:18.280
<v Speaker 4>learn a few more words.

1:00:18.560 --> 1:00:24.240
<v Speaker 5>I need to increase my vocabulary and perhaps my confidence,

1:00:25.280 --> 1:00:25.960
<v Speaker 5>but I think.

1:00:25.800 --> 1:00:28.840
<v Speaker 2>I did Okay, Actually I would give you an a.

1:00:29.360 --> 1:00:32.240
<v Speaker 4>But I do think that we should make emotionally unsafe whistles.

1:00:32.480 --> 1:00:35.600
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, well maybe that's what we'll name this episode, emotionally

1:00:35.680 --> 1:00:36.520
<v Speaker 2>unsafe whistles.

1:00:37.280 --> 1:00:39.080
<v Speaker 1>That's not a bad idea. Do you have a whistle?

1:00:39.600 --> 1:00:39.760
<v Speaker 5>No?

1:00:39.800 --> 1:00:40.160
<v Speaker 4>I don't.

1:00:40.160 --> 1:00:41.960
<v Speaker 2>Okay, I'm going to get your I'm going to get that.

1:00:41.960 --> 1:00:47.640
<v Speaker 2>Such my next offering to oh yes, a great holiday present,

1:00:47.760 --> 1:00:49.200
<v Speaker 2>great Valentine's Day present.

1:00:49.320 --> 1:00:51.080
<v Speaker 1>Great all of the things that are coming up.

1:00:51.520 --> 1:00:54.840
<v Speaker 2>It's cat full of Spiders, Tarot deck and guidebook Christina

1:00:54.880 --> 1:00:57.800
<v Speaker 2>Reachie's Personal Guidebooks. So this is going to be really

1:00:57.880 --> 1:01:00.960
<v Speaker 2>fun for your family members and your friends and all

1:01:00.960 --> 1:01:02.920
<v Speaker 2>of the things that we have coming up in the world.

1:01:03.320 --> 1:01:05.480
<v Speaker 2>So please get yourself a copy. I'm going to take

1:01:05.520 --> 1:01:07.480
<v Speaker 2>this to Whistler and play this with my friends. Not

1:01:07.560 --> 1:01:09.040
<v Speaker 2>that you play tarot cards.

1:01:08.960 --> 1:01:11.320
<v Speaker 5>I say that to you sometimes I keep making my son,

1:01:11.680 --> 1:01:13.400
<v Speaker 5>ten year old son sit through readings.

1:01:13.760 --> 1:01:16.680
<v Speaker 1>What is your BITI so what is your favorite like

1:01:16.760 --> 1:01:17.400
<v Speaker 1>thing to add?

1:01:17.440 --> 1:01:19.120
<v Speaker 2>Like when do you go to tarot cards when you

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<v Speaker 2>have a question about your life? Do you go?

1:01:21.520 --> 1:01:24.760
<v Speaker 5>I have trouble focusing in on the issue at hand

1:01:24.920 --> 1:01:27.640
<v Speaker 5>many times in my life, So sometimes I'll just kind

1:01:27.680 --> 1:01:32.040
<v Speaker 5>of shuffle and draw a card, and that theme or

1:01:32.120 --> 1:01:37.640
<v Speaker 5>question allows me to like approach whatever sort of confusion

1:01:37.680 --> 1:01:40.560
<v Speaker 5>I'm going through from a different perspective, like just the

1:01:40.600 --> 1:01:43.960
<v Speaker 5>idea that like, sometimes you're asking yourselves the wrong questions

1:01:44.760 --> 1:01:47.600
<v Speaker 5>and so this is a way of bringing in different

1:01:47.640 --> 1:01:50.440
<v Speaker 5>questions and ideas to what you're going through. So a

1:01:50.520 --> 1:01:52.640
<v Speaker 5>lot of times I'll draw a card and just be like, well,

1:01:52.640 --> 1:01:54.160
<v Speaker 5>how does that relate to what I'm going through? And

1:01:55.000 --> 1:01:59.200
<v Speaker 5>does that give me insight? And you know, okay, yeah.

1:01:58.720 --> 1:01:59.680
<v Speaker 2>Okay, well great.

1:01:59.840 --> 1:02:01.520
<v Speaker 1>I love it. You were so fun.

1:02:01.600 --> 1:02:02.080
<v Speaker 2>I love me.

1:02:02.360 --> 1:02:04.480
<v Speaker 4>He was really happy to be on. I've been a

1:02:04.560 --> 1:02:05.320
<v Speaker 4>huge hand of your so.

1:02:05.440 --> 1:02:08.040
<v Speaker 1>Oh my god, why weren't you ever on Chelsea lately?

1:02:08.320 --> 1:02:10.240
<v Speaker 5>I don't know why wasn't I I was during my drive,

1:02:10.320 --> 1:02:12.280
<v Speaker 5>I was during my dry spell when I couldn't get

1:02:12.360 --> 1:02:12.880
<v Speaker 5>couldn't get it.

1:02:13.680 --> 1:02:18.000
<v Speaker 1>You're like that has been you could have at least

1:02:18.040 --> 1:02:21.840
<v Speaker 1>been on the round table. All right, thank you, Christina.

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<v Speaker 2>We'll see you next week. Okay, guys, stand up shows

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<v Speaker 2>that I have coming up, I am going to Texas

1:02:28.760 --> 1:02:29.400
<v Speaker 2>this weekend.

1:02:29.480 --> 1:02:30.600
<v Speaker 1>I'm going to Houston.

1:02:30.800 --> 1:02:35.040
<v Speaker 2>I'm going to Austin, Houston and then Sugarland, Texas. Then

1:02:35.080 --> 1:02:39.360
<v Speaker 2>I have my Specials taping in Montclair, New Jersey. Those

1:02:39.360 --> 1:02:42.120
<v Speaker 2>are all sold out. I have San Diego on eleven

1:02:42.160 --> 1:02:43.800
<v Speaker 2>twenty nine that has tickets available.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm coming to Vegas on November thirtieth, right after Thanksgiving,

1:02:48.400 --> 1:02:50.320
<v Speaker 2>and there are tickets available for that. And then I'll

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<v Speaker 2>be in Des Moines, Iowa December fifth, December sixth is Omaha,

1:02:55.560 --> 1:02:58.960
<v Speaker 2>and then December twenty eighth, I'm coming to New Orleans

1:02:59.120 --> 1:03:01.080
<v Speaker 2>right before New Years, and then I'll be in Atlanta,

1:03:01.120 --> 1:03:02.800
<v Speaker 2>Georgia on December twenty ninth.

1:03:03.080 --> 1:03:05.200
<v Speaker 1>And those are the rest of my stand updates for

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<v Speaker 1>this year. It's over New Tour New Year.

1:03:09.520 --> 1:03:11.920
<v Speaker 3>If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email

1:03:11.960 --> 1:03:14.800
<v Speaker 3>at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be

1:03:14.800 --> 1:03:17.840
<v Speaker 3>sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited

1:03:17.880 --> 1:03:21.520
<v Speaker 3>and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and

1:03:21.600 --> 1:03:23.960
<v Speaker 3>be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot

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<v Speaker 3>com