Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hi, everyone,
Speaker 1: welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is all about
Speaker 1: the choices we make and where they lead us. Okay, So,
Speaker 1: with the end of the year rapidly approaching, I think
Speaker 1: we need to check in on our mental health.
Speaker 2: This time of the.
Speaker 1: Year is always so chaotic. There's the traveling. If you're
Speaker 1: traveling with all the delays and the noise and the
Speaker 1: people of it all, and the kids are out of.
Speaker 2: School, I don't know about you.
Speaker 1: Mine just eat all day long, like I cannot seem
Speaker 1: to spend enough money at the grocery store to feed
Speaker 1: this family. Maybe do you have family in town? Because
Speaker 1: my mom is coming the memester she is going to
Speaker 1: be here. She will be wanting to chat.
Speaker 2: That I know.
Speaker 1: And you know end of your work deadlines. They're shopping.
Speaker 1: There's the deadline of the shopping. If you don't get
Speaker 1: all the shopping done and the wrapping done by the day,
Speaker 1: then you suck like you failed Christmas somehow. It's a
Speaker 1: lot of pressure and how do you know what to
Speaker 1: get people? That takes some serious thinking. Then if you
Speaker 1: are a real overachiever, like show Off, you decide to
Speaker 1: host a holiday party. It is truly insane. And you
Speaker 1: know what, Usually the first thing we stop doing when
Speaker 1: we are busy is carving out time to check in
Speaker 1: on ourselves, Like take.
Speaker 2: A hot second to check in and assess.
Speaker 1: How are we doing mentally today.
Speaker 2: I've got two great.
Speaker 1: Guests joining me for this conversation. First up, I'm going
Speaker 1: to bring in my bestie and our resident therapist here
Speaker 1: on the pod help me. Welcome back Adele to the podcast.
Speaker 2: Hi, Jenny, you're so pretty.
Speaker 3: You're so pretty.
Speaker 1: Okay, first off, how are you doing right now? Thanksgiving
Speaker 1: was a lot.
Speaker 2: It's the end of the year.
Speaker 1: Are things in your life starting to get crazy or what?
Speaker 3: Well? Yes and no.
Speaker 4: Because I live in kind of a resort town, everybody
Speaker 4: wants to come visit us, so we have we literally
Speaker 4: tell people start booking our house if you want to
Speaker 4: come visit, because it books up.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I couldn't get a booking. The in was all full.
Speaker 4: But yeah, we'll find you something. But yeah, I think
Speaker 4: you missed all the holiday spots. Oh no, we're talking
Speaker 4: about a good holiday spot still for you. Yeah, it's
Speaker 4: been a lot of people coming to visit. Both of
Speaker 4: our families right around Thanksgiving. All four of our parents
Speaker 4: are still alive, so lots of elderly stuff coming up
Speaker 4: and feelings coming up. Oh yeah, familiar.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and we are. It's funny.
Speaker 4: I don't consider other of us overachievers, but definitely we
Speaker 4: do like to host. We feel like, yeah, you know,
Speaker 4: Jen's a really good cook, and I like to do
Speaker 4: the table and the house and the all the things.
Speaker 4: And I'm exhausted already.
Speaker 1: Okay, I was saying earlier, at the end of the
Speaker 1: year gets so chaotic for a bunch of reasons. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I want to impress you for a second with
Speaker 1: some stats.
Speaker 2: Ooh okay.
Speaker 1: In twenty fourteen, NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness,
Speaker 1: found that sixty four percent of people with mental illness
Speaker 1: say the holidays make their conditions worse.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And when I say mental illness, am I talking about
Speaker 1: like depression anxiety?
Speaker 2: Do those call of it?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, they do.
Speaker 4: Okay, right, And that's I'm glad you've said that, because
Speaker 4: a lot of people think mental illness has to be
Speaker 4: I don't want to say that depression and anxiety aren't serious,
Speaker 4: but they're a little bit more garden variety and a
Speaker 4: lot more people have both of those or one of those,
Speaker 4: but it's not severe mental illness. It can be depression,
Speaker 4: it can be anxiety, it can be addiction.
Speaker 1: In twenty twenty one, a survey showed that three and
Speaker 1: five Americans feel their mental health is negatively impacted by
Speaker 1: the holidays. Now, I know this is twenty fourteen and
Speaker 1: twenty twenty one. I'm sure these numbers are bigger now
Speaker 1: because life just seems to get more and more chaotic
Speaker 1: as it goes on.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I would guess I think you're right.
Speaker 4: I mean, I think it probably those numbers are even
Speaker 4: higher now, you know, for two main reasons, post pandemic
Speaker 4: and us being more isolated than we were before the pandemic,
Speaker 4: and also with the divisiveness still with post election and
Speaker 4: politics and family members who don't align politically, so that
Speaker 4: stressor is an added stressor now more than usual.
Speaker 1: Right, And just like how much eggs cost, Like everything
Speaker 1: is so expensive now that is stressful for so many people.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, and inflation has gone up as it
Speaker 4: does every year, but yeah, I mean just kitchen table
Speaker 4: stuff is stressful. And then the holidays, like what you
Speaker 4: were describing, I was listening to talk about how you
Speaker 4: do the holidays, and I thought, even you, who's done
Speaker 4: so much personal work, who has grown so much, when
Speaker 4: you were in your twenties, you were doing it the
Speaker 4: same way you're doing it in your fifties.
Speaker 3: You're like, when I heard you say what to get everyone,
Speaker 3: I thought, oh, Jen, oh no.
Speaker 2: No, it's not.
Speaker 1: You know, I am an overachiever when it comes to
Speaker 1: the holidays.
Speaker 2: I admit that, you guys, And yeah, it's a lot.
Speaker 1: I have all three of my girls home, and every
Speaker 1: time that I'm the happiest I'm I've ever been when
Speaker 1: they're all home. But my house literally just looks like
Speaker 1: a bomb went off inside of it. And you know,
Speaker 1: I just have to kind of like change gears and
Speaker 1: be okay with that for that period of time because
Speaker 1: normally I'm a little more neat and tidy orderly.
Speaker 3: But the thing is, that's what the holidays are supposed
Speaker 3: to look like.
Speaker 4: We have to kind of like we have to move
Speaker 4: our mindset into the reality and not the fantasy, you know,
Speaker 4: like the Martha Stewart fantasy you can.
Speaker 1: Do that you are a fantasy is so good, I know,
Speaker 1: I know, but it's magazine that's for a photo shoot, right.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And when I think of you, I think of
Speaker 4: you as making beautiful things besides beautiful children. You make
Speaker 4: beautiful food, you make a beautiful home, You make beautiful
Speaker 4: crafty things, even in your messy house, and that's what's
Speaker 4: so beautiful about it. So we have to move into
Speaker 4: what the reality is, which is and I'm the same.
Speaker 4: I'm like, my house is perfection right now because guests
Speaker 4: are coming and I know the minute people come in,
Speaker 4: they're going to be putting like cans of soda down,
Speaker 4: and I'm like, I have to get myself into that place.
Speaker 2: So we have to switch gears.
Speaker 4: I'm here to make them happy, comfortable, have a great experience.
Speaker 4: And that's part of being a great host is the
Speaker 4: messiness of it all and actually feeling great about the
Speaker 4: gift of giving your beautiful home to people and letting
Speaker 4: them relax in it.
Speaker 3: Right, we don't want people to be uptight in our homes.
Speaker 2: No, I want people to feel comfortable. So yeah, why do.
Speaker 1: You think it's important for us to still carve out
Speaker 1: time for our mental health? Like, why do you think
Speaker 1: it's almost more important for us to carve out some
Speaker 1: time for ourselves and for our mental health during the holidays.
Speaker 3: Well, I think you said it with those statistics right there.
Speaker 4: Are you know, it's an added pressure because we're not
Speaker 4: just in our regular routine right either we're traveling or
Speaker 4: we're receiving and hosting, and the stress levels are higher
Speaker 4: because of our expectations. And I was thinking about that
Speaker 4: today and the holidays today, and I thought, as we've
Speaker 4: talked about a lot over the years, expectations breed a
Speaker 4: lot of let down and resentment and feeling like failures.
Speaker 4: And I think we might be doing it a little
Speaker 4: bit wrong that when we have traditions, right we have,
Speaker 4: We've had the same traditions year after year. Hopefully if
Speaker 4: that's what you want, if that's what's important to you
Speaker 4: for your family, and if you have these traditions, you're
Speaker 4: already re expecting so much for what's coming. You want
Speaker 4: it to go this way and this way and this
Speaker 4: way and this way. And I think so we set ourselves.
Speaker 3: Up for sure, so your anxiety.
Speaker 1: Just the traditions themselves are setting us up for disappointment
Speaker 1: and stress.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And and suddenly today I went, oh my god,
Speaker 4: I think we're kind of doing it wrong. First of all,
Speaker 4: traditions are wonderful and we want to have them right,
Speaker 4: like whatever you know, food traditions, or how we come
Speaker 4: together and maybe do Christmas Morning or we do Honik
Speaker 4: or whatever. But if we if we say, oh, but
Speaker 4: we do this every year, we do it this way
Speaker 4: every year, and if it goes slightly askew.
Speaker 3: Or a skance, I don't know what the right word is.
Speaker 3: I think because of.
Speaker 4: Scance, then we suddenly feel like we did it wrong,
Speaker 4: and so we're setting ourselves up. And so I think
Speaker 4: our mental health if we can pre plan a little bit,
Speaker 4: like however, it goes as long as connections they're having
Speaker 4: a moment with this person or that person, seeing my
Speaker 4: daughters experience this thing, this moment that they always have
Speaker 4: at Christmas, then those are small winds, not the.
Speaker 3: Big huge It goes exactly this way.
Speaker 4: These traditions have to go exactly this way, but just
Speaker 4: the small connections.
Speaker 2: Oh, I like this.
Speaker 1: I was going to ask you in a minute, like
Speaker 1: what are some helpful little things that our listeners can
Speaker 1: do to help them prioritize their mental health during the time,
Speaker 1: even if they try to use the excuse that there
Speaker 1: isn't enough time. There's always enough time, but these are
Speaker 1: that's that's a great, simple little thing. So you're saying
Speaker 1: to break it down, break out your the what you
Speaker 1: want as far as small wins, like specific things that
Speaker 1: you want to see happen.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Like if you look over and you see Fiona
Speaker 4: and Luca having a moment and you're moved, You're like,
Speaker 4: oh my gosh, I'm so glad Luca's home and like
Speaker 4: they're connecting right now, that is that could be I
Speaker 4: just got chill saying it because they feel like that
Speaker 4: could be the greatest moment of your Christmas holiday with
Speaker 4: your family.
Speaker 3: Just small little wins.
Speaker 2: I know, Okay, I like this.
Speaker 1: What's another example of another small win?
Speaker 4: Well that so that backs up to your question around
Speaker 4: mental health, which is that is how we address our
Speaker 4: mental health is to pre plan and think ahead about
Speaker 4: small winds. Think about let's if a tradition doesn't go
Speaker 4: exactly as we need it to go, maybe it's supposed
Speaker 4: to shift a little bit.
Speaker 3: They change over time.
Speaker 4: Right, people get sick sometimes and can't come and be
Speaker 4: with us, or we can't go somewhere. So another small
Speaker 4: wind could be you finally, mastered that one dish She've
Speaker 4: been trying every year, you know, and it came out
Speaker 4: prettier than you thought it was going too. Or your
Speaker 4: mom felt good this time, she didn't. She didn't feel
Speaker 4: under the weather or weak, or you know, or that
Speaker 4: your mom is there. Your mom coming to your house
Speaker 4: for the holidays is an entire win, it is.
Speaker 2: That's true, right, Yeah, even though she talks my ear off. No,
Speaker 2: I love it. I love it.
Speaker 1: Okay, those are good. I love that because I think
Speaker 1: it's so important. I want to ask you this question, though,
Speaker 1: I think there continues to be a misconception sometimes that
Speaker 1: making time for ourselves is selfish. Can we just unpack that?
Speaker 1: Why do people think that?
Speaker 2: Do you think?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 4: I hear that a lot, and I heard it a
Speaker 4: lot in session with clients, Like there was always we
Speaker 4: always had ended up having a talk about the difference
Speaker 4: between selfish versus self care.
Speaker 3: And what does that look like?
Speaker 4: And you know, because if I think of myself and
Speaker 4: I take care of myself and I take time for myself,
Speaker 4: isn't that selfish? And I would say, the things you
Speaker 4: want to watch for and the differences between selfish and
Speaker 4: self care are that selfish is self serving, right, You're
Speaker 4: serving yourself. You're thinking of yourself first and at the
Speaker 4: exclusion of other people, right, at the exclusion of loved ones.
Speaker 3: So if there's.
Speaker 1: So, wait, if so, if I'm taking a bath, if
Speaker 1: I choose to go take a bath to take care
Speaker 1: of myself while everybody else is like, you know, wondering
Speaker 1: what's for dinner?
Speaker 2: Is that selfish? Am I being selfish?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 4: I don't think so, because you're taking care of yourself
Speaker 4: and you're not hurting anyone, right, and you're not you're
Speaker 4: not taking a bath for five hours and nobody gets fed.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm just kidding.
Speaker 4: So a version of like selfish bath would be, you know,
Speaker 4: thinking about I don't know when a bath would ever
Speaker 4: be selfish.
Speaker 3: I don't know where I'm going to go.
Speaker 4: With that, but I think if let's say everyone has
Speaker 4: decided the night before, okay, we're all going to have
Speaker 4: breakfast together tomorrow morning at nine, if you know I
Speaker 4: need some quiet time by myself before that, then you're
Speaker 4: taking care of yourself and you're taking a bath, You're
Speaker 4: taking a walk, you're taking the dogs for a walk,
Speaker 4: you're doing you're meditating, you're spending time with Dave privately
Speaker 4: before you have the breakfast at nine. But if at
Speaker 4: nine you're like, I'm going to take a bath, right,
Speaker 4: and now everybody's waiting for you for an hour, that
Speaker 4: borders on more selfish, Right, you're not sort of thinking
Speaker 4: of the collective experience. Now, if you're having severe anxiety
Speaker 4: at nine am, when it's time to sit down for breakfast,
Speaker 4: you also get to say, hey, guys, go ahead without me.
Speaker 4: I need you know, you might privately say to someone
Speaker 4: I'm having some anxiety. I'm going to take a bath,
Speaker 4: please don't worry about me, and breakfast is ready or whatever.
Speaker 1: Oh, you know, it's so weird when you just said
Speaker 1: about that. You just said, maybe you get anxiety and
Speaker 1: you have to excuse yourself. I got anxiety, Like maybe
Speaker 1: it's just the word anxiety now that gives me anxiety.
Speaker 4: Well, what happened in that moment when I said, what
Speaker 4: were you thinking about?
Speaker 2: Nothing?
Speaker 1: I was listening to you, and I was like, in
Speaker 1: the word anxiety gave me anxiety? Like, uh, my heart
Speaker 1: started skipping beats.
Speaker 3: Interesting?
Speaker 2: Interest interesting?
Speaker 1: Okay, So as long as you are not not thinking
Speaker 1: of the whole of the other people in your life.
Speaker 3: Well, yeah, I mean you can.
Speaker 4: It's kind of tricky because you get to take care
Speaker 4: of yourself at any given moment. You get to set
Speaker 4: a boundary, you get to remove yourself if you feel unsafe,
Speaker 4: right or you feel like I am my mental state
Speaker 4: is in need of quiet and space.
Speaker 3: Just across the board.
Speaker 4: But if you are, if you've disappeared for eight hours
Speaker 4: and it's just because you don't want to be with
Speaker 4: everybody and they're kind of counting on you to do
Speaker 4: things at a minimum, if you don't communicate, I.
Speaker 3: Would say that's selfish.
Speaker 4: But if you say, hey, guys, I'm having a hard day,
Speaker 4: and can you take care of yourselves because they all
Speaker 4: look to you to take care of them, that's self care, right.
Speaker 4: So it's almost like self care plus communication gives additional
Speaker 4: permission for self care. But selfish would be just like
Speaker 4: peace out and not talking to anybody, right, and you know,
Speaker 4: or taking up kind of psychic space.
Speaker 3: Right. Let's say the whole.
Speaker 4: Family's together and you are having another Let's say you're
Speaker 4: feeling blue. Let's say you're grieving, right because you've lost
Speaker 4: somebody and the holidays are really hard for you. You
Speaker 4: may say communicate to everybody. I'm going to take a
Speaker 4: little time for myself. I'm going to go reflect on
Speaker 4: my dad and take a little walk and just say
Speaker 4: a little prayer or whatever.
Speaker 3: That is self care.
Speaker 4: If you're sitting in the group and sort of taking
Speaker 4: up a lot of psychic space, I would maybe say
Speaker 4: that's a little selfish.
Speaker 1: Right, because it can bring the vibe down. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: you don't want to do that to everybody.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and you want to be considerate of others. But
Speaker 4: also again, I want to make sure everybody understands that
Speaker 4: if you need something, you need space, you need time,
Speaker 4: you need to care for yourself, take it. If no
Speaker 4: one is giving you space, take space.
Speaker 3: Right. It's not other people's job to give you space.
Speaker 3: You need to take it.
Speaker 4: But communication is a really essential element to self care.
Speaker 2: I like that.
Speaker 1: That's something we haven't really talked about, that, that importance
Speaker 1: of communicating.
Speaker 2: You know, I suck at that.
Speaker 3: I do.
Speaker 2: Here's what happens with me.
Speaker 1: I am better, But it's like a constant thing, be
Speaker 1: thinking something in my mind. I'm communicating in here.
Speaker 3: Uh huh with you yourself and you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, my mouth doesn't say anything, So nobody outside of here,
Speaker 1: here's my communication.
Speaker 2: But I'm fully in communication with somebody.
Speaker 4: You have your own little private neighborhood in your head,
Speaker 4: but it's not a great neighborhood.
Speaker 2: Ah damn my neighbors.
Speaker 1: Oh man, Okay, So I'm gonna I'm gonna work. I'm
Speaker 1: always working on something. I'm gonna work on communicating my
Speaker 1: needs a little more clearly.
Speaker 3: Or just what's going on with you. Be transparent, you guys.
Speaker 4: It might seem like you might say to Dave, I
Speaker 4: know that I'm kind of a little quiet right now.
Speaker 3: Let me tell you more.
Speaker 2: Like on edge.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, that's mine. That's my thing for sure in
Speaker 4: my family.
Speaker 1: And so like if everybody's like needing, wanting, causing disrupt yeah,
Speaker 1: you can get a little edgy.
Speaker 4: I can get a little edgy. And my wife can
Speaker 4: feel it. And so I am still practicing and still
Speaker 4: learning to be able to say to her, I'm a
Speaker 4: little on edge. You might be feeling it. So I'm sorry.
Speaker 4: If I'm on edge, like my two elderly parents, it's
Speaker 4: kind of like stressing me out. And you know, can
Speaker 4: we take a walk or can I go lie down
Speaker 4: for five minutes?
Speaker 3: Can you like manage the scene? And I'll be back.
Speaker 1: You know, what I love here is that you still
Speaker 1: have things that challenges.
Speaker 3: Of course I do.
Speaker 2: Are you normal, Oh you are okay. Yes, you.
Speaker 1: Touch on something really briefly, but you were talking about
Speaker 1: some really good points, some interesting stuff, and we're going
Speaker 1: to talk about this a little bit more with my
Speaker 1: next guest from amend Treatment, so stay tuned for that.
Speaker 1: But I want to circle back on something you were
Speaker 1: talking about briefly that during the holidays, there's the natural
Speaker 1: feeling that can come up of grief memories of the
Speaker 1: people that we've lost. Yes, we're no longer able to
Speaker 1: make memories with them. It can be overwhelming for people.
Speaker 1: I know, my mind can definitely go down that road.
Speaker 1: And I do think it's a good thing to think
Speaker 1: about the people that we've lost and relive their memories
Speaker 1: and just you know, spend some time remembering them, honoring them.
Speaker 1: But that can start to get a little dicey if
Speaker 1: we spend too much time there. Yeah, for someone that's
Speaker 1: struggling with grief this holiday season, what are some things
Speaker 1: that they can do to work through those feelings, because
Speaker 1: I know that, Yeah, like I said, it can get
Speaker 1: a little dicey.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And grief is tricky because you cannot prescribe it.
Speaker 3: You just can't. You can't plan it.
Speaker 4: You never know, right, it's not linear, right, it's kind
Speaker 4: of all over the place. And like we were talking
Speaker 4: about traditions earlier, imagine that traditions year after year are
Speaker 4: going to bring up memories. And those memories if that
Speaker 4: person is no longer here, can cause a lot of sadness,
Speaker 4: a lot of missing, a lot of loss, and a
Speaker 4: lot of grief.
Speaker 3: And you know, I.
Speaker 4: Would I would say twofold, I would say two things.
Speaker 4: Let it be right, I mean, simply let it be
Speaker 4: and honor it and use the.
Speaker 3: Tools we've been talking about to hold your heart, you know.
Speaker 4: And if that means taking a walk, if that means crying,
Speaker 4: if that means coming up with a.
Speaker 3: Little tradition, I like. I like the idea.
Speaker 4: The second part of this that I was going to
Speaker 4: say is coming up with a new tradition about the
Speaker 4: person you've lost, the person that's died, So so keeping
Speaker 4: them alive in a in a new tradition way, right,
Speaker 4: It could be an ornament on a tree, it could
Speaker 4: be bringing them up like we kind of do. My grandmother,
Speaker 4: so my mom's mom was a huge Christmas person and
Speaker 4: made me a huge Christmas person and I miss her
Speaker 4: so much every Christmas. I miss her all the time,
Speaker 4: but at Christmas, I am. I'm talking about her every meal.
Speaker 4: I wear her jewelry. I have a few of her
Speaker 4: pieces and like a like an emerald Christmas tree and
Speaker 4: like a diamond ring, and I bling it out with
Speaker 4: my grandma's jewelry every Christmas, you know, things like that.
Speaker 4: I have her ornaments, and so just bringing them into
Speaker 4: the traditions and creating new ones, you know that you
Speaker 4: can do each year to remember them.
Speaker 1: I like that too. Yeah, I need to do that.
Speaker 1: I need to do that because I sometimes feel like
Speaker 1: if I just keep missing them in the quiet parts
Speaker 1: of my mind, it'll go away quicker.
Speaker 2: Instead of like.
Speaker 1: Letting it be like you said, and creating a new
Speaker 1: tradition which includes them in the holiday.
Speaker 4: Yeah, like your dad, did he have a favorite Christmas tradition?
Speaker 4: Did he have a favorite drink or food at Christmas time?
Speaker 4: Or did he like to say a toast or a prayer?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 1: I can just remember him sitting there and just my
Speaker 1: dad wasn't a talker, you know, kind of like him
Speaker 1: he would just sit there quietly and so happy just
Speaker 1: watching the girls, you know, unwrap their presents and play
Speaker 1: with them.
Speaker 4: Those are the small winds, right. I can see him
Speaker 4: sitting back at meals right. And the way he enjoyed
Speaker 4: being a host was taking it in. Take a moment
Speaker 4: and take take in this holiday like your dad would.
Speaker 2: That's so good. I don't want to do that.
Speaker 1: What about if you're a single parent, Because raising the
Speaker 1: three girls, there were a lot of times when I
Speaker 1: was on my own, Peter was on location or you know,
Speaker 1: working whatever, and there were times when I felt like
Speaker 1: a single parent. I mean I never really truly was
Speaker 1: at that point.
Speaker 2: But it's hard.
Speaker 1: It's hard, and I set myself up for disaster, like,
Speaker 1: you know, buying too many things and then had to
Speaker 1: be the same amount for each girl and then having
Speaker 1: to wrap them.
Speaker 2: Did you okay, do you guys do this?
Speaker 1: Do you wrap your presents and put them under the
Speaker 1: tree for Christmas morning? Like you keep them away and
Speaker 1: then you put them out on Christmas night?
Speaker 4: No? I start putting them out day after Thanksgiving up. Yeah,
Speaker 4: that's I mean. In my family, the tradition was everything
Speaker 4: was wrapped and we each got one big present that
Speaker 4: Santa left that was unwrapped, so you know, you'd wake
Speaker 4: up in the morning and they'd be like, whatever unwrapped,
Speaker 4: the exciting, whatever the thing you really wanted was.
Speaker 2: And it's that's a problem.
Speaker 1: I've set myself up for failure because i just did
Speaker 1: it the wrong way. With the girls, Santa brings them
Speaker 1: a pile of presents, and you know, it's a lot,
Speaker 1: it's a lot. Santa's very stressed.
Speaker 4: Well, let me say something about something my mom did
Speaker 4: that I really appreciated. Several years ago. She talked to
Speaker 4: us and said, we're going to change the traditions. I
Speaker 4: want to set you up for your expectations because we
Speaker 4: always did like a big present, you know, and she
Speaker 4: you know, as we got older, I think she realized, like,
Speaker 4: let we need to think of others right and be
Speaker 4: more modest in our spending and things like that. And
Speaker 4: she so she told us she had a talk with
Speaker 4: us before Christmas. I'd say, when we were in our twenties,
Speaker 4: like around where your girls are now, and she said,
Speaker 4: let's let's give each other. You know, we do one
Speaker 4: we do one tradition, which is we do a donation
Speaker 4: to something for each other, which is a really nice
Speaker 4: new tradition. Again, trying to change it a little bit
Speaker 4: and don't expect like the big president anymore.
Speaker 3: We're doing small things that I know you would like.
Speaker 3: And I have to tell you, like.
Speaker 4: Maybe when I was like twenty two, twenty three, I
Speaker 4: was like aw and then and we've been doing it
Speaker 4: now ever since, and I'm so grateful and I love it.
Speaker 4: But I'm also grateful that she told us this is
Speaker 4: how we're going to do it now. Okay, great guys communication.
Speaker 1: I did this, Okay, I maybe last year or the
Speaker 1: year before, I did this very thing that you're describing,
Speaker 1: and it didn't work. And I'll tell you why I
Speaker 1: didn't work. It didn't work because I didn't stick with it.
Speaker 4: That would have been my guest that you told them
Speaker 4: and then you didn't stick with it, and then you
Speaker 4: over did because I remember, like whenever I'm with you
Speaker 4: and you're buying like a birthday present for someone or
Speaker 4: a holiday present for someone.
Speaker 3: You're like, is this a nut?
Speaker 4: You've already got things for someone like a friend, and
Speaker 4: then you're like, I feel like I need one more thing.
Speaker 4: So you you if you set a boundary, if you
Speaker 4: communicate to your kids. And you set a boundary and
Speaker 4: then you don't stick with it, You're sending a message
Speaker 4: to them that my boundaries don't mean anything.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they kind of already know that, but uh yeah wow.
Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, I'm gonna try harder. Look look at me,
Speaker 2: I'm learning so much.
Speaker 4: Change the traditions, but be transparent about them so that
Speaker 4: expectations are lower or different.
Speaker 1: So any kind of parents, single parent, co parents, any
Speaker 1: kind of parent can change the tradition if it needs
Speaker 1: to be changed.
Speaker 4: Yes, And I think single parents should be a little
Speaker 4: easier on themselves. I mean, I am not a parent,
Speaker 4: and I'm not a single parent, but I would say
Speaker 4: that I'm a big fan of chosen families. Right, So
Speaker 4: create what you need. Right, If you're a single parent
Speaker 4: and you're struggling and you need help, ask for help
Speaker 4: and pull those aunties in, pull those you know other
Speaker 4: mamas in and create a new chosen family where you
Speaker 4: have help and new traditions.
Speaker 1: Okay, well stay by the phone because it might be
Speaker 1: pulling in. Okay, one more question. What are your thoughts
Speaker 1: on New Year's resolutions? Do you think that goal setting
Speaker 1: is a good thing for your mental health or that
Speaker 1: kind of goal setting, like a New Year's resolution, where
Speaker 1: you're like, I'm going to get healthy this year.
Speaker 2: This is going to be my ear.
Speaker 1: Do you think that is putting too much pressure or
Speaker 1: like unrealistic expectations on ourselves by doing a like a
Speaker 1: New Years I love this question.
Speaker 4: First of all, you probably know this about me by now,
Speaker 4: but I never think of things in terms of good
Speaker 4: and bad, right and wrong.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 4: Anytime you do that, that's called black and white thinking. Right, So,
Speaker 4: anytime you do that, really, is this good or is
Speaker 4: this bad? I'm going to stop you and say, maybe
Speaker 4: it's both, and maybe it's neither. Right, it's let's just
Speaker 4: sort of analyze it. We don't have to decide if
Speaker 4: it's good or bad for me. I've never done New
Speaker 4: Year's resolutions. Probably when I was younger, I did a few,
Speaker 4: and then I didn't feel good, and so I pay
Speaker 4: I kind of checked in, and I was like, I
Speaker 4: don't feel good about this set up, and so I stopped.
Speaker 4: In my twenties, I stopped doing New Year's resolutions. That
Speaker 4: being said, it might work for somebody else. That might
Speaker 4: be the way that they motivate themselves to you and
Speaker 4: I motivate very differently. I'm a softer, like everything's okay,
Speaker 4: whatever you want to do, be gentle on yourself, and
Speaker 4: you're kind of you know, the way that you motivate
Speaker 4: to exercise and move your body is very different than
Speaker 4: the way I do. I mean, you're a lot fitter
Speaker 4: than I am because of it. But I don't want
Speaker 4: to do that to myself.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know.
Speaker 1: I know I'm more I'm more of a tough love
Speaker 1: kind of.
Speaker 2: I have a tough.
Speaker 4: Lover and I'm a gentle kinder, gentler kinder.
Speaker 1: Yeah, ever, you're gonna get mad at me.
Speaker 2: I know you're better than me, but it's not.
Speaker 1: Better, worse, good, bad, Yeah yeah, yeah, right, yeah. I
Speaker 1: think that when I do set, I mean I've done that.
Speaker 1: I don't even know how many times. This is going
Speaker 1: to be the year that I stop eating salt and
Speaker 1: get really fit and take great care of myself. And then,
Speaker 1: you know, week two rolls around in January and maybe
Speaker 1: I don't make the right food choice for a minute
Speaker 1: and I feel like a failure and I get down
Speaker 1: on myself, and that just I feel that that just
Speaker 1: you know, ruins the whole notion of goal setting.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean hard and fast goals don't make a
Speaker 4: lot of sense to me. You know, if anything, when
Speaker 4: I hear you say that, would I would want to
Speaker 4: change that to this is the year I know I'm
Speaker 4: good enough and accept the amount I exercise and the
Speaker 4: amount of salt I eat and the amount of health
Speaker 4: I have.
Speaker 3: Like that would be a lovely resolution for you.
Speaker 2: Ooh, I like that.
Speaker 1: This year I'm going to be good enough.
Speaker 2: That's a good resolution. What's another one like that?
Speaker 3: This year I am going to accept what is?
Speaker 2: Okay, those are good ones.
Speaker 1: Yeah, this year I am going to be a better communicator.
Speaker 3: I love that.
Speaker 2: But what happens when I'm not?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 4: Well, see, so when you say better, I think you
Speaker 4: could say this year, I am going to notice when
Speaker 4: I communicate well and be happy with myself in those moments,
Speaker 4: because you do communicate well sometimes.
Speaker 3: Yeah. So, so it's not about being a better one.
Speaker 4: It's about I am a good communicator at times, and
Speaker 4: when I am, I'm going to.
Speaker 3: Like give myself a high five.
Speaker 1: Okay, these are so do I'm doing this. This is
Speaker 1: going to be the best year ever. Twenty twenty five, lookout,
Speaker 1: Day Alive, Thank you Adele for joining me. You always
Speaker 1: bring the best insights because I'm so smart and funny
Speaker 1: and pretty.
Speaker 4: Ah, thank you for having me. I love doing this
Speaker 4: with you. Your show is so great and so fun.
Speaker 4: And thank you again for having me, and happy holidays.
Speaker 1: I want to continue this conversation about prioritizing our mental
Speaker 1: health and talk about an incredible place that I recently
Speaker 1: learned about. It's a place that you can go if
Speaker 1: you're needing something more than traditional weekly therapy. So I
Speaker 1: want to bring in Shier Rabibo, a clinical director at
Speaker 1: Amen Treatment in Malibu, to talk more about the importance
Speaker 1: of treatment for mental health. I've been to the facilities,
Speaker 1: so I know firsthand how incredible this place is. Shira,
Speaker 1: thank you for joining us.
Speaker 5: Thank you.
Speaker 1: When people hear mental health treatment, I don't think they
Speaker 1: necessarily understand what a facility can offer them. Can you
Speaker 1: kind of explain what typical things people might be struggling
Speaker 1: with that could really benefit from going to a place
Speaker 1: like a mend Yeah.
Speaker 5: So I think when people hear residential treatment or inpatient treatment,
Speaker 5: there is this larger view of it, right, like they
Speaker 5: might think it has to be you know, you're in
Speaker 5: critical condition it's so severe, I can't get out of bed.
Speaker 5: And so amend is really more so for the everyday person,
Speaker 5: right Like, while we can certainly handle major depressive disorder
Speaker 5: or PTSD or generalized anxiety disorder, it is for the
Speaker 5: everyday person that can't get out of bed right or
Speaker 5: is struggling through their day, struggling through work. So it
Speaker 5: really is a place where your friend would go or
Speaker 5: your mother, right like, anyone that you would know that's
Speaker 5: struggling with a mental health condition.
Speaker 1: Your facilities in Malibu offer a minimum thirty days stay.
Speaker 1: What benefits and progress are people able to see when
Speaker 1: they do a stay like this versus say something like
Speaker 1: a weekly at home once a week kind of therapy thing.
Speaker 5: Yeah, so at home, right like, you're seeing your therapist
Speaker 5: maybe once twice a week, you know, for fifty minutes.
Speaker 5: And so the thirty days stay in a treatment center
Speaker 5: offers the whole clinical team to observe and assess and
Speaker 5: work together to really better understand what's going on for you.
Speaker 5: It has expedited results, right because you're working every day
Speaker 5: on yourself and you're prioritizing yourself. It creates this routine.
Speaker 5: So a lot of clients will come to us and say,
Speaker 5: I struggle to go to the gym, and that's something
Speaker 5: that I really want to do for myself. And we
Speaker 5: have that staff available to our clients to be able
Speaker 5: to push them and make sure that they're checking off
Speaker 5: everything on their list that they want to accomplish. So
Speaker 5: it's that and it's a place to hear outside of
Speaker 5: what you're struggling with, right, like whether that's family or
Speaker 5: your home environment. It's a really serene environment that allows
Speaker 5: you to do work alone, you know, with the people
Speaker 5: who are going to support you.
Speaker 1: Like I said, I've been to the facilities in Malibu
Speaker 1: and you just nailed it.
Speaker 2: It's so serene. I wanted to move in. I'm not kidding.
Speaker 1: Oh, it just looks so relaxing in like such a
Speaker 1: beautiful place to have that space too, and that time
Speaker 1: to really dive deep into myself, like I really wanted it.
Speaker 1: I'm needing it, I think.
Speaker 2: In my life too.
Speaker 1: Yeah, walk our listeners through what a typical day might
Speaker 1: be like at the facility. Are they working one on
Speaker 1: one mostly with a therapist?
Speaker 2: Are they in nature? Are they in group settings?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 2: What is it?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 5: So every day is a little different, but a general
Speaker 5: day typically, you know, you wake up and there's breakfast
Speaker 5: out for you. If you've had nightmares or struggle to
Speaker 5: get out of bed, there's staff to support you with
Speaker 5: that too, So you would start with breakfast and then meeting,
Speaker 5: you know, with your therapist if you need to, meeting
Speaker 5: with a clinical assistant who can support you moving through
Speaker 5: your day. But we typically start our clinical day at
Speaker 5: eight thirty am and it starts with a process group,
Speaker 5: so you're really processing your evening the day before and
Speaker 5: understanding like this is this is what I want to
Speaker 5: set forward for the day, this is how I want
Speaker 5: to start my day. And that's with all of the
Speaker 5: other clients as well. So you're in group therapy and
Speaker 5: then you'll move into an individual session with your therapist,
Speaker 5: and you will have a team of three therapists, so
Speaker 5: a primary therapist, a secondary therapist, and a family therapist.
Speaker 5: And you'll have sessions at least five times a week
Speaker 5: with your therapist, and there are about four to five
Speaker 5: groups each day as well, so you'll move from one
Speaker 5: group to therapy, to lunch to another group, and then
Speaker 5: you'll have some downtime to work on journaling or therapy
Speaker 5: assignments or maybe you're going to serve therapy whatever that
Speaker 5: may be next, and then you'll move into more groups
Speaker 5: and another process group at the end of the day,
Speaker 5: and then we always have some type of sematic group
Speaker 5: in the evening before bedtime.
Speaker 1: I was going to ask you about that because I
Speaker 1: know that unlike other treatment programs and then integrate somatic experience. Yeah,
Speaker 1: can you explain to our listeners what that is?
Speaker 5: Absolutely so, Sematic experiencing is a therapeutic approach. It was
Speaker 5: created by Peter Levine in nineteen seventy and he really
Speaker 5: made an effort to show that therapy is not just
Speaker 5: for your psychological stressors, right, because trauma integrates into your
Speaker 5: body and so oftentimes physical symptoms come from that.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 5: We have a lot of clients with stomach pain or headaches,
Speaker 5: and maybe that's actually from the cognitive stressors or the
Speaker 5: trauma that you've been through, and so sematic experiencing helps
Speaker 5: you take that and learn how to work with the
Speaker 5: somatic feelings like the aches and pains, and better explain
Speaker 5: that to your brain, so that you're not just talking
Speaker 5: about those somatic symptoms, right, you're learning how to process
Speaker 5: those just as much as you're learning how to process
Speaker 5: your thoughts and your judgments too.
Speaker 1: Wow, that sounds super beneficial. I think people are talking
Speaker 1: about their mental health more openly these days, which is incredible,
Speaker 1: but I know there are still a lot of people
Speaker 1: out there who are silently struggling. What are some signs
Speaker 1: that someone might be struggling with their mental health that
Speaker 1: we shouldn't be ignoring.
Speaker 5: Yeah, when someone's world starts to get smaller, that's always
Speaker 5: a huge indicator for me. So whether they're isolating in
Speaker 5: their room, or maybe they're lashing out at their loved
Speaker 5: ones and they're kind of pushing everyone away from them,
Speaker 5: or maybe they're anxious to leave their house or anxious
Speaker 5: to go to the grocery store, That to me is
Speaker 5: a huge indicator of Okay, something's not quite right right,
Speaker 5: Like they may need some support there. And maybe another
Speaker 5: sign is not following their goals, you know, and trying
Speaker 5: to achieve their goals that they had set forth or
Speaker 5: they shared with a friend or a loved one. Those
Speaker 5: are just a few that I would be mindful of.
Speaker 1: Choosing to prioritize your mental health is probably the ultimate
Speaker 1: I'd choose me decision. You can make How can we
Speaker 1: explain to our friends who might not be part prioritizing
Speaker 1: their mental health that it's so important, it's such an
Speaker 1: important thing to do, and it is not selfish.
Speaker 5: It's one of my favorite questions I think when I
Speaker 5: think about therapy and mental health, I think about the
Speaker 5: reasons why we engage in it, right, And the term
Speaker 5: selfish pops up so often. Yet our world is about
Speaker 5: the people we love and building relationships. And if I'm
Speaker 5: not filling my cup, how am I supposed to support
Speaker 5: others around me? Right? So taking care of your mental
Speaker 5: health also supports the people you love, you know, and
Speaker 5: so I think that our world is belonging empathy, validation,
Speaker 5: and in order to give that to others and ourselves,
Speaker 5: we have to take care of ourselves. So really thinking about,
Speaker 5: like what do I need in order to give to
Speaker 5: other people too?
Speaker 1: That's such a good way to ask yourself that question,
Speaker 1: what do I need in order to of my best
Speaker 1: for other people? I like that if someone who's listening
Speaker 1: has a loved one or a friend that they think
Speaker 1: needs more one on help, like amend offers, do you
Speaker 1: have any advice on how they can approach that subject
Speaker 1: with someone or bring that up.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I don't be afraid to ask the hard questions, right,
Speaker 5: And I think sitting down with them and asking if
Speaker 5: they've noticed a change. Chances are that they know they're
Speaker 5: not feeling good and they don't know what to do
Speaker 5: about it. Right, So sharing with them what you've observed
Speaker 5: and asking them if they know how to get out
Speaker 5: of this rut. And then I believe coming in with
Speaker 5: support or different treatment centers or therapists to say, like,
Speaker 5: these people do know how to help you, right, Like,
Speaker 5: what's the thread of trying this? You know, because you're
Speaker 5: already not feeling good right now?
Speaker 1: Right? What is one preconceived notion about treatment that you
Speaker 1: want people to stop using or overgeneralizing that.
Speaker 5: I think we started with this, right, that you have
Speaker 5: to have a serious or severe mental illness in order
Speaker 5: to seek support. Right, we can use this as a
Speaker 5: tool for us to just grow as people, right, Like,
Speaker 5: we don't just show up one day and we know everything.
Speaker 5: And so you know, if you're able to take thirty
Speaker 5: days to feel better to work on yourself, like that's
Speaker 5: a reason to come to treatment, right, to really just
Speaker 5: dig into why you're here and what you want to
Speaker 5: do with your time.
Speaker 2: I don't get it to be able to do that.
Speaker 1: If you can carve out those thirty days and just
Speaker 1: dive so deep into yourself and get to know yourself
Speaker 1: in a way like that, it has profound benefits in
Speaker 1: just the other I don't know how many other days,
Speaker 1: the other eleven months, let's say that of the year. Yes,
Speaker 1: that was so important mm hm Okay, lastly, before I
Speaker 1: let you go, Shira, what was your last I choose
Speaker 1: me moment?
Speaker 3: Hm?
Speaker 5: Yesterday I had a lot of work to do, and
Speaker 5: instead I decided to take my dog for a hike.
Speaker 5: And I needed that time to really recoup and rejuvenate.
Speaker 5: And I could have pushed through, but that just wasn't.
Speaker 5: It wasn't what would have been best in that moment.
Speaker 2: So I think that's I'm sure your dog was happy
Speaker 2: about that.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, he didn't mind it.
Speaker 2: I love that.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for shining a light on this
Speaker 1: and telling us about this incredible facility. And I think
Speaker 1: this is going to be good for a lot of people.
Speaker 5: Absolutely, thank you so much for your time. I appreciate it.
Speaker 1: Thanks, You're good to see you again too. I want
Speaker 1: to thank both Adele end Shira for giving us some
Speaker 1: great information today and insight into why it's so important
Speaker 1: to prioritize our mental health, not just around the holidays,
Speaker 1: but every day as we continue to choose ourselves each week,
Speaker 1: I want you this week to take some time to
Speaker 1: do your own sort of mental health checklist. When was
Speaker 1: the last time you sat down and you really thought
Speaker 1: about how you're feeling? Try it this week. One night
Speaker 1: after work or when your kids are in bed and
Speaker 1: you have a little quiet time, just sit down and
Speaker 1: go through some of those questions that we talked about
Speaker 1: earlier with Adele. You know what can be your small wins.
Speaker 1: What is a different way to sort of frame a
Speaker 1: new Year's resolution that will work better for you? How
Speaker 1: can you incorporate some traditions into what's already happening in
Speaker 1: your house? How do you incorporate some traditions that might
Speaker 1: be a little bit less stressful for you? We said
Speaker 1: in this episode you should be asking yourself and keep
Speaker 1: reminding yourself that it is not selfish to prioritize your
Speaker 1: mental health. Thanks for listening to I Choose Me. Are
Speaker 1: you following the show because I really want you to,
Speaker 1: so make sure you open up whatever platform you're listening
Speaker 1: on right now, and go to the show page and
Speaker 1: hit follow because that would mean so much to me.
Speaker 1: You can check out all our social links in our
Speaker 1: show notes and make sure to use the hashtag I
Speaker 1: choose Me. I will be right here next week. I
Speaker 1: hope you choose to be here too,