1 00:00:01,680 --> 00:00:11,399 Speaker 1: Cool Zone Media book Club. The Club, The Club, the Club. Hello, 2 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:14,480 Speaker 1: I'm welcome to Clozone Media book Club, the only book 3 00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:16,600 Speaker 1: club where you don't have to do the reading because 4 00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:19,000 Speaker 1: I do it for you. I'm your host, Margaret Kildoy. 5 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:23,560 Speaker 1: And this is part two of a two part story, 6 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:25,520 Speaker 1: which means that if you didn't listen to part one, 7 00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:29,200 Speaker 1: you won't have heard half the story. And it's up 8 00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:32,720 Speaker 1: to you how you feel about that. What I would 9 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:36,880 Speaker 1: feel is really negative about that. Personally, maybe you feel 10 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:40,480 Speaker 1: differently the story that you're going to hear part two 11 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:44,040 Speaker 1: of while I am slightly loopy and recording this at 12 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:49,040 Speaker 1: twelve thirty in the morning after running around being yelled 13 00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:53,480 Speaker 1: at by cops in Minneapolis. The story is called Because 14 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:56,160 Speaker 1: Change was the Ocean and we lived by her Mercy 15 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:59,920 Speaker 1: by Charlie Jane anders Ah. Today was the general stre 16 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:04,479 Speaker 1: but I didn't work until after midnight, so it doesn't count, right. 17 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:08,360 Speaker 1: I didn't break any general strikes. That's how clever I am. 18 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:11,039 Speaker 1: I actually worked all day because I work as a journalist. 19 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:14,720 Speaker 1: But whatever, anyway, we won't tell anyone I did work 20 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:18,080 Speaker 1: by reporting on the general strike. But whatever, I know 21 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,640 Speaker 1: you're excited about the story. I'm actually very excited about 22 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:23,960 Speaker 1: the story because change was the ocean and we lived 23 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:28,600 Speaker 1: by her mercy by Charlie Jane Anders And This story 24 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:31,720 Speaker 1: was originally published in Drowned Worlds, a twenty sixteen short 25 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:39,000 Speaker 1: story collection edited by Jonathan Stahan. We didn't have enough 26 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:42,320 Speaker 1: food for the winter after that, so a bunch of 27 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,600 Speaker 1: us had to make the trip up north to Marin 28 00:01:44,959 --> 00:01:47,720 Speaker 1: by boat and on foot to barter with some gun 29 00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:51,800 Speaker 1: crazy farmers in the hills. And they wanted free labor 30 00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:54,720 Speaker 1: in exchange for food, so we left Weao and a 31 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:58,440 Speaker 1: few others behind to work in their fields, drudging back 32 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:01,040 Speaker 1: down the hill pulling the first batch of produce and 33 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:03,800 Speaker 1: a cart. I kept looking over my shoulder to see 34 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:07,280 Speaker 1: our friends staring after us as we left them, surrounded 35 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:11,840 Speaker 1: by old dudes with rifles. I couldn't look at the 36 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:15,120 Speaker 1: community the same way after that, Yokanda fell into a 37 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:17,920 Speaker 1: depression that made here unable to speak or look anyone 38 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,240 Speaker 1: in the eye for days at a time, and we 39 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,960 Speaker 1: were all staring at the walls of our poorly repaired 40 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:26,720 Speaker 1: dormitory buildings, which looked as though a strong wind could 41 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:30,799 Speaker 1: bring them down. I kept remembering myself walking away from 42 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:34,000 Speaker 1: those farmers the way. I told Leo it would be fine. 43 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:37,080 Speaker 1: We'd be back before anyone knew anything. This would be 44 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:40,720 Speaker 1: a funny story. Later I tried to imagine myself doing 45 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:44,920 Speaker 1: something different, putting my foot down, maybe here saying fuck this, 46 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:48,000 Speaker 1: we don't leave our own behind. It didn't seem like 47 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,480 Speaker 1: something I would ever do, though I had always been 48 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:53,280 Speaker 1: someone who went along with what everyone else wanted. My 49 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,679 Speaker 1: one big act of rebellion was coming here to burn 50 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,120 Speaker 1: all island, and I wouldn't have ever come if Julia 51 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:02,320 Speaker 1: hadn't already been coming. Miranda saw me coming and walked 52 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:06,200 Speaker 1: the other way. That happened a couple of times. She 53 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:08,600 Speaker 1: and I were supposed to have a fancy evening together. 54 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,240 Speaker 1: I was going to give her a bath, even if 55 00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:14,920 Speaker 1: it used up half my water allowance, but she canceled. 56 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,480 Speaker 1: We were on a tiny island, but it kept only 57 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:20,520 Speaker 1: seeing her off in the distance in a group of others, 58 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:24,120 Speaker 1: but whenever I got closer, she was gone. At last, 59 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,840 Speaker 1: I saw her walking on the big hill, and I 60 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,320 Speaker 1: followed her up there until we were almost at eye 61 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,160 Speaker 1: level with the Trans America Pyramid coming up out the 62 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:35,440 Speaker 1: flat water. She turned and grabbed at the collar of 63 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:38,480 Speaker 1: my shirt and part of my collar bone. You gotta 64 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:40,920 Speaker 1: let me have my day, she hissed. You can't be 65 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:43,040 Speaker 1: in my face all the time giving me that look. 66 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:46,960 Speaker 1: You need to get out of my face. You blame me, 67 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:51,320 Speaker 1: I said, Forueo and the others for what happened. I 68 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:54,160 Speaker 1: blame you for being a clingy, wet blanket. Just leave 69 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,920 Speaker 1: me alone for a while. Geees And here, dear listener, 70 00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,760 Speaker 1: I want to apologize for the fact that I'm not 71 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:05,080 Speaker 1: really doing voices for I, your narrator. Am exhausted, just 72 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:10,840 Speaker 1: really really tired, So I hope you will bear with me. 73 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:14,600 Speaker 1: Back to the story. And then I kept walking behind her, 74 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:17,680 Speaker 1: and she turned and either made a gesture that connected 75 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:21,360 Speaker 1: with my chest or else intentionally shoved me. I fell 76 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:24,440 Speaker 1: on my butt. I nearly tumbled head over heels down 77 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:27,160 Speaker 1: the rocky slope into the water. But then I got 78 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:31,839 Speaker 1: a handhold on a dead route. Oh fuck, are you okay? 79 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:35,000 Speaker 1: Miranda reached down to help me up, but I shook 80 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:39,080 Speaker 1: her off. I trudged down the hill alone. I kept 81 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:42,200 Speaker 1: replaying that moment in my head. When I wasn't replaying 82 00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:44,400 Speaker 1: the moment when I walked away with a ton of 83 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:48,000 Speaker 1: food and left Wao and the others at gunpoint. I 84 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,839 Speaker 1: had thought that being here on this island meant that 85 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:55,560 Speaker 1: the only past that mattered was the grand, mysterious, rebellious 86 00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:57,800 Speaker 1: history that was down there under the water in the 87 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:02,159 Speaker 1: wreckage of San Francisco, all the wild music submerged between 88 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:05,479 Speaker 1: its walls. I had thought my own personal past no 89 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:09,200 Speaker 1: longer mattered at all, until suddenly I had no mental 90 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:13,960 Speaker 1: energy for anything but replaying those two memories uglier each 91 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:17,560 Speaker 1: time around. And then someone came up to me at 92 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,599 Speaker 1: lunch as I sat and ate some of the proceeds 93 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:24,440 Speaker 1: from Wayo's and densure Chris Sir Jamie, I forget which, 94 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:30,080 Speaker 1: and he whispered, I'm on your side. A few other 95 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:32,800 Speaker 1: people said the same thing. Later that day, they had 96 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:36,000 Speaker 1: my back. Miranda was a bitch. She had assaulted me. 97 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:39,359 Speaker 1: I saw other people hanging around Miranda and staring at me, 98 00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:42,839 Speaker 1: talking in her ear, telling her that I was a 99 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:46,479 Speaker 1: problem and they were with her. I felt like crying, 100 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:50,200 Speaker 1: except that I couldn't find enough moisture inside me. I 101 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:52,000 Speaker 1: didn't know what to say to the people who were 102 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:55,800 Speaker 1: on my side. I was too scared to speak I 103 00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:58,720 Speaker 1: wished Yukanda would wake up and tell everybody to quit it, 104 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:02,440 Speaker 1: to just get back to work and play and stop fomenting. 105 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:07,479 Speaker 1: The next day, I went to the dining area, sitting 106 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:10,040 Speaker 1: at the other end of the long table from Miranda 107 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:14,240 Speaker 1: and her group of supporters. Miranda stood up so fast 108 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:16,719 Speaker 1: she knocked her own food on the floor, and she 109 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:19,680 Speaker 1: shouted at Yasny, just leave me the fuck alone. I 110 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,680 Speaker 1: don't want you on my side or anybody else. There 111 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,760 Speaker 1: are no sides. This is none of your business, you people, 112 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:29,919 Speaker 1: you goddamn people. What are you people even about. She 113 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,880 Speaker 1: got up and left, kicking the wall on her way out. 114 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:42,000 Speaker 1: After that, everybody was on my side. Six The honeymoon 115 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:46,400 Speaker 1: was over, but the marriage was just starting. I rediscovered 116 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:49,839 Speaker 1: social media. I'd let my friendships with people back in 117 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:53,120 Speaker 1: Fairbanks and elsewhere run to seed during all this weird 118 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:55,840 Speaker 1: but now I reconnected with people I hadn't talked to 119 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:59,280 Speaker 1: in a year or so. Everybody kept saying that Olympia 120 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:02,120 Speaker 1: had gotten really cool since I left. There was a 121 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:05,480 Speaker 1: vibrant music scene now, and people were publishing zooit books 122 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:09,920 Speaker 1: and having storytelling slams and stuff. And meanwhile the government 123 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:12,480 Speaker 1: and Fairbanks had decided to cool it on, trying to 124 00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:15,200 Speaker 1: make the coast fall into line, though there was talk 125 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:20,240 Speaker 1: about some kind of loose articles of confederation at some point. Meanwhile, 126 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:25,040 Speaker 1: we'd even made serious inroads against the warlords of Nevada. 127 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:28,480 Speaker 1: I started looking around the dormitory buildings and kitchens and 128 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:32,560 Speaker 1: communal play spaces of Bernal, and at our ocean reclamation 129 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:36,000 Speaker 1: machines as if I was trying to commit them to memory. 130 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,840 Speaker 1: One minute, I was looking at all of it as 131 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:41,840 Speaker 1: if this could be the last time I would see 132 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:44,720 Speaker 1: any of it. But the next minute, I was just 133 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:48,120 Speaker 1: making peace with it so I could stay forever. I 134 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:51,040 Speaker 1: could just imagine how this moment could be the beginning 135 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:55,200 Speaker 1: of a new, more mature relationship with the wrong headed crew, 136 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,480 Speaker 1: where I wouldn't have any more illusions, but that would 137 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:24,000 Speaker 1: make my commitment even stronger. I sat with Yokanda and 138 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,320 Speaker 1: a few others on that same stretch of shore where 139 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:31,080 Speaker 1: we'd all stood naked and launched candles, and we held hands. 140 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:35,320 Speaker 1: After a while, Yukanda smiled, and I felt like se 141 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:38,040 Speaker 1: was coming back to us. So it was like the 142 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:42,720 Speaker 1: heart of our community was restored decay as part of 143 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:47,720 Speaker 1: the process decay keeps the ocean warm. Today Yokanda had 144 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:50,360 Speaker 1: wild hair with some bright colors in it, and a 145 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:55,679 Speaker 1: single strand of beard and nodded. Instead of the guilt 146 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:59,240 Speaker 1: or fear or selfish anxiety that I've been so aware 147 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:02,800 Speaker 1: of having inside me, I felt a weird feeling of acceptance. 148 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:07,520 Speaker 1: We were strong, we would get through this. We were 149 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:12,000 Speaker 1: wrong headed. I went out in a dinghy and sailed 150 00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:15,840 Speaker 1: around the big island, went up towards the ruins of telegraph. 151 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:20,280 Speaker 1: I sailed right past the Newsome spire, watching its carbon 152 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:25,280 Speaker 1: fiber cladding flake away like shiny confetti. The water looked 153 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:29,880 Speaker 1: so opaque it was like sailing on milk. I sat 154 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:32,240 Speaker 1: there in the middle of the city, a few miles 155 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:36,040 Speaker 1: from anyone, and felt totally peaceful. I had a kick 156 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:38,560 Speaker 1: of guilt at being so selfish, going off on my 157 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,800 Speaker 1: own when the others could probably use another pair of hands. 158 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:45,480 Speaker 1: But then I decided it was okay. I needed this 159 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:48,959 Speaker 1: time to myself. It would make me a better member 160 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:52,000 Speaker 1: of the community. When I got back to Bernaul, I 161 00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:54,360 Speaker 1: felt calmer than I had in ages, and I was 162 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,839 Speaker 1: able to look at all the others, even made who 163 00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:58,880 Speaker 1: still gave me the murder eye from time to time 164 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:03,320 Speaker 1: with patient and love. They were all my people. I 165 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:06,679 Speaker 1: was lucky to be among them. I had this beautiful 166 00:10:06,679 --> 00:10:09,520 Speaker 1: moment that night, standing by a big bonfire with the 167 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:12,520 Speaker 1: rest of the crew, half of us some level of naked, 168 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:16,840 Speaker 1: and everybody looked radiant and free. I started to hum 169 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,599 Speaker 1: to myself and it turned into a song, one of 170 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:22,720 Speaker 1: the old songs that Zell had supposedly brought back from 171 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:26,800 Speaker 1: digital extinction. It had this chorus about the wild kids 172 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,760 Speaker 1: and the war dance and a bridge that doubled back 173 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:33,600 Speaker 1: on itself, and I had this feeling like maybe the 174 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:39,040 Speaker 1: honeymoon is over, but the marriage is just beginning. Then 175 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:41,640 Speaker 1: I found myself next to Miranda, who kicked at some 176 00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:45,840 Speaker 1: embers with her boot. I'm glad things calmed down, I whispered. 177 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,280 Speaker 1: I didn't mean for anyone to get so crazy. We 178 00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:53,880 Speaker 1: were all just on edge and it was a bad time. Huh, 179 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:57,080 Speaker 1: Miranda said, I noticed you never told your peeps to 180 00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:59,640 Speaker 1: cool it, even after I told the people defending me 181 00:10:59,679 --> 00:11:04,400 Speaker 1: to show their faces. Oh, I said, but he actually, 182 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,840 Speaker 1: And then I didn't know what to say. I felt 183 00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:10,320 Speaker 1: the feeling of helplessness trapped in the grip of the 184 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:14,800 Speaker 1: past coming back again. I mean, I tried, I'm really 185 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:20,439 Speaker 1: sorry whatever Miranda said. I'm leaving soon, probably going back 186 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,880 Speaker 1: to Anheim Diego. I heard they made some progress with 187 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:28,760 Speaker 1: the Nanomex after all. Oh, I looked into the fire 188 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:34,120 Speaker 1: until my rentnas were all blotchy. I'll miss you whatever 189 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:38,040 Speaker 1: Miranda slipped away. I tried to mourn her going, but 190 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:41,080 Speaker 1: then I realized I was just relieved. I wasn't going 191 00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:43,120 Speaker 1: to be able to deal with her hanging around like 192 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:46,280 Speaker 1: a bruise when I was trying to move forward. With 193 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:49,480 Speaker 1: Miranda gone, I could maybe get back to feeling happy here. 194 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,800 Speaker 1: Yokanda came along when we went back into Marin to 195 00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:56,880 Speaker 1: get the rest of the food from those farmers and 196 00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:59,400 Speaker 1: collect Wayo and the two others we had left there. 197 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,920 Speaker 1: We climbed the steep path from the water, and Yokanda 198 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:06,480 Speaker 1: kept needing to rest close to the water. Everything was 199 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:08,880 Speaker 1: the kind of salty and moist that had gotten used 200 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:12,680 Speaker 1: to but after a few miles everything got dry and dusty. 201 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:15,160 Speaker 1: By the time we got to the farm, we were 202 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,800 Speaker 1: thirsty and we'd used up all our water, and the 203 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:21,760 Speaker 1: farmer saw us coming and got their rifles out. Our 204 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:24,960 Speaker 1: friends had run away. The farmer said, way and the 205 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,800 Speaker 1: others a few weeks earlier, and they didn't know where. 206 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:32,040 Speaker 1: They just ran off, left the work half done, so 207 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,240 Speaker 1: too bad. We weren't going to get all the food 208 00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:38,880 Speaker 1: we had been promised. Nothing personal. The lead farmer said 209 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,520 Speaker 1: he had sunburnt cheeks, even though he wore a big 210 00:12:42,559 --> 00:12:48,600 Speaker 1: straw hat. I watched Yukanda's face pass through shock, anger, misery, 211 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:54,080 Speaker 1: and resignation without a single word coming out. The farmers 212 00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:56,960 Speaker 1: had their guns slung over their shoulders enough of a 213 00:12:57,080 --> 00:13:01,120 Speaker 1: threat without even needing to aim. We took the cart 214 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,960 Speaker 1: half full of food instead of all the way full 215 00:13:04,679 --> 00:13:08,680 Speaker 1: back down the hill to our boat. We never found 216 00:13:08,679 --> 00:13:35,000 Speaker 1: out what actually happened to Wayo and the others. Seven. 217 00:13:36,679 --> 00:13:39,200 Speaker 1: That's such an inappropriate line of inquiry. I don't even 218 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:43,600 Speaker 1: know how to deal. I spent a few weeks pretending 219 00:13:43,679 --> 00:13:45,679 Speaker 1: I was in it for the long haul and Bernhall 220 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:49,240 Speaker 1: Island after we got back from Marin. This was my home. 221 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:51,960 Speaker 1: I had formed an identity here that meant the world 222 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,880 Speaker 1: to me, and these people were my family. Of course 223 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:58,880 Speaker 1: I was staying, and one day I realized I was 224 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:01,080 Speaker 1: just trying to make up my whether to go back 225 00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:05,880 Speaker 1: to Olympia, or all the way back to Fairbanks. In Fairbanks, 226 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:08,440 Speaker 1: they knew how to make thick cut toast with eggs 227 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:11,760 Speaker 1: smeared across it. You could go out dancing in half 228 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:16,120 Speaker 1: a dozen different speakeasies that stayed open until dawn. I 229 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:19,560 Speaker 1: missed being in a real city, kind of. I realized 230 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:22,840 Speaker 1: I'd already decided to leave San Francisco a while ago, 231 00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:27,800 Speaker 1: without ever consciously making the decision. Everyone I had ever 232 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:30,520 Speaker 1: had a crush on I had hooked up with already. 233 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:34,400 Speaker 1: Some of them I still hooked up with sometimes, but 234 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:38,240 Speaker 1: it was nostalgia sex rather than anything else. I was 235 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:42,160 Speaker 1: actually happier sleeping alone. I didn't want anybody else's knees 236 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:45,040 Speaker 1: cramping my thighs in the middle of the night. I 237 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,800 Speaker 1: couldn't forgive the people who sided with Miranda against me, 238 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:50,400 Speaker 1: and I was even less able to forgive the people 239 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:53,840 Speaker 1: who sided with me against Miranda. I didn't like to 240 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:56,440 Speaker 1: dwell on stuff, but there were a lot of people 241 00:14:56,480 --> 00:15:00,760 Speaker 1: I had obscure unspoken grudges against all around me. And 242 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,240 Speaker 1: then occasionally I would stand in the spot where I'd 243 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:06,200 Speaker 1: watched Wayo sit and build a tiny raft out of 244 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:08,720 Speaker 1: sticks and I would feel that anger rise up all 245 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:14,760 Speaker 1: over again at myself. Mostly, I wondered about what Miranda 246 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,200 Speaker 1: was doing now, and whether we would ever be able 247 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:20,480 Speaker 1: to face each other again. I'd been so happy to 248 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:23,960 Speaker 1: see her go, but now I couldn't stop thinking about her. 249 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,400 Speaker 1: The only time I even wondered about my decision was 250 00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:30,840 Speaker 1: when I looked at the ocean and the traces of 251 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:34,280 Speaker 1: the dead city underneath it, the amazing heritage that we 252 00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:38,120 Speaker 1: were carrying on here. Sometimes I stared into the waves 253 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:41,760 Speaker 1: for hours, trying to hear the sound waves trapped in them. 254 00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:44,240 Speaker 1: But then I started to feel like maybe the ocean 255 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:47,800 Speaker 1: had told me everything. It was ever going to. The 256 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:52,080 Speaker 1: ocean always sang the same notes, It always passed over 257 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:55,680 Speaker 1: the same streets and came back with the same sad laughter, 258 00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:59,320 Speaker 1: And staring down at the ocean only reminded me of 259 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:02,040 Speaker 1: how we thought we could help to heal her with 260 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:06,160 Speaker 1: our enzyme treatments a little at a time. I couldn't 261 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:09,240 Speaker 1: see why I had ever believed in that fairy tale 262 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:12,080 Speaker 1: the ocean was going to heal on her own sooner 263 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:15,040 Speaker 1: or later. But in the meantime, we were just giving 264 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:18,360 Speaker 1: her meaningless therapy that made us feel better more than 265 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:22,760 Speaker 1: it actually helped. I got up every day and did 266 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:26,600 Speaker 1: my chores. I helped to repair the walls and tend 267 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,600 Speaker 1: the gardens and stuff. But I felt like I was 268 00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:33,400 Speaker 1: just turning wheels to keep a giant machine going so 269 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:36,119 Speaker 1: that I would be able to keep turning the wheels tomorrow. 270 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:39,440 Speaker 1: I looked down at my own body, at the loose 271 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:43,160 Speaker 1: kelp and hemp garments I'd started wearing since I'd moved here. 272 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:47,680 Speaker 1: I looked at my hands and forearms, which were thicker, calloused, 273 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:49,840 Speaker 1: and more veiny with all the hard work I'd been 274 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:53,840 Speaker 1: doing here, but also the thousands of rhinestones in my 275 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:57,040 Speaker 1: fingernails glittered in the sunlight, and I felt like I 276 00:16:57,120 --> 00:17:01,320 Speaker 1: moved differently than I used to. Even with every shitty 277 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:05,399 Speaker 1: thing that had happened, I'd learned something here, and wherever 278 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:08,960 Speaker 1: I went from now on, I would always be wrongheaded. 279 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:14,600 Speaker 1: I left without saying anything to anybody, the same way 280 00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:19,399 Speaker 1: everyone else had. A few years later, I had drinks 281 00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:22,800 Speaker 1: with Miranda on that new floating platform that hovered over 282 00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:26,840 Speaker 1: the wasteland of North America. Somehow we floated half a 283 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:30,320 Speaker 1: mile above the desert, and the mountaintops don't ask me how, 284 00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:32,480 Speaker 1: but it was carbon neutral and all that good stuff. 285 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:36,160 Speaker 1: From up here, the hundreds of miles of parched earth 286 00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:41,800 Speaker 1: looked like piles of gold. It's funny, right, Miranda seemed 287 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:44,720 Speaker 1: to have guessed what I was thinking all that time. 288 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:47,000 Speaker 1: We were going on about the ocean and how is 289 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:50,439 Speaker 1: our lover and our history and all that jazz. But 290 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:54,400 Speaker 1: look at that desert down there. It's all beautiful too. 291 00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,800 Speaker 1: It's another wounded environment, sure, but it's also a lovely 292 00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:01,920 Speaker 1: fragment of the past. All sweated and died for that land, 293 00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:03,440 Speaker 1: and maybe one day it'll come back. 294 00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:03,720 Speaker 2: You know. 295 00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:08,399 Speaker 1: Miranda was, I guess, in her early thirties, and she 296 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:11,639 Speaker 1: looked amazing. She'd got in the snaggle taken out of 297 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:14,800 Speaker 1: her teeth, and her hair was a perfect wave. She 298 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:19,840 Speaker 1: wore a crisp suit. It seemed powerful and relaxed. She'd 299 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:24,399 Speaker 1: become an important person in the world of Nanomex. I 300 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:27,040 Speaker 1: stopped staring at Miranda and looked over the railing down 301 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:30,479 Speaker 1: at the dunes. We'd made some pretty major progress at 302 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:34,200 Speaker 1: rooting out the warlords, but still nobody wanted to live there, 303 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:37,960 Speaker 1: and the vast majority of the continent, the desert was 304 00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:41,480 Speaker 1: beautiful from up here, but maybe not so much up close. 305 00:18:43,359 --> 00:18:47,639 Speaker 1: I heard Yokanda killed herself, Miranda said a while ago, 306 00:18:48,119 --> 00:18:50,639 Speaker 1: not because of anything in particular that had happened, just 307 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:57,040 Speaker 1: the depression I caught up with here. She shook her head. God, see, 308 00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:00,960 Speaker 1: was such an amazing leader. But hey, the wrong headed 309 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,080 Speaker 1: community is twice the size it was when you and 310 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:06,080 Speaker 1: I lived there, and they expanded onto the Big Island. 311 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,000 Speaker 1: I even heard they got a seat at the table 312 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:12,720 Speaker 1: of the Confederation talks. Sucks that Yokanda won't see what 313 00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:16,359 Speaker 1: Sea built, get that recognition. I was still dressed like 314 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:19,879 Speaker 1: a wrongheaded person, even after a few years. I had 315 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,760 Speaker 1: the loose, flowy garments, the smudgy paint on my face 316 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:25,320 Speaker 1: that helped obscure my gender rather than serving as a 317 00:19:25,359 --> 00:19:29,480 Speaker 1: guide to it, the straight line, thin eyebrows, and sparkly 318 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:33,080 Speaker 1: earrings and nails. I hadn't lived on Bernal in years, 319 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,320 Speaker 1: but it was still a huge part of who I was. 320 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:39,160 Speaker 1: Miranda looked like this whole other person, and I didn't 321 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,080 Speaker 1: know whether to feel ashamed that I had moved on, 322 00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:45,040 Speaker 1: or contemptuous of her for selling out, or some combination. 323 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:49,479 Speaker 1: I didn't know anybody who dressed the way Miranda was dressed. 324 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,520 Speaker 1: Because I was still in an olympia where we were 325 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:57,680 Speaker 1: being radical artists. I wanted to say something, an apology 326 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,800 Speaker 1: or something sentimental about the amazing time we had shared, 327 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:04,720 Speaker 1: or I don't even know what. I didn't actually know 328 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:06,639 Speaker 1: what I wanted to say, and I had no words 329 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,639 Speaker 1: to put it into. So after a while I just 330 00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:14,000 Speaker 1: raised my glass and we toasted to wrong headedness. Miranda 331 00:20:14,119 --> 00:20:17,800 Speaker 1: laughed that same old, wild laugh as our glasses touched. 332 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:21,080 Speaker 1: Then we went back down to staring at the wasteland, 333 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:24,439 Speaker 1: trying to imagine how many generations it would take before 334 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:30,879 Speaker 1: something green came out of it. The thanks at the 335 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:33,040 Speaker 1: end of this from the author that are in the 336 00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:36,639 Speaker 1: original textas thanks to Burrito Justice for the map and 337 00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:40,440 Speaker 1: Terry Johnson for the biotech insight, and what Charlie Jane 338 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:43,120 Speaker 1: Andrews wrote about the story. What the author wrote about 339 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:47,879 Speaker 1: the story for her short story collection Even Greater Mistakes quote. 340 00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,520 Speaker 1: After I wrote My Breath is a Rudder, a story 341 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:55,119 Speaker 1: about people building a seawall to predict San Francisco from 342 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:58,359 Speaker 1: rising sea levels, I always meant to go back and 343 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:01,520 Speaker 1: write another queer first person story that takes place after 344 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:06,280 Speaker 1: San Francisco is claimed by the ocean, enter Jonathan Strahan, 345 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:08,880 Speaker 1: who asked me to contribute to a post climate change 346 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:12,320 Speaker 1: anthology called Drowned Worlds. I had a lot of fun 347 00:21:12,359 --> 00:21:16,159 Speaker 1: imagining the San Francisco Archipelago using a map that Brian 348 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:20,120 Speaker 1: Stokel and Burito Justice had created of the city following 349 00:21:20,119 --> 00:21:23,959 Speaker 1: two hundred feet of sea level rise. Still, I had 350 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,959 Speaker 1: a lot of trouble finding my way into this story 351 00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:30,120 Speaker 1: because I was feeling burned out on depressing post apocalyptic tales. 352 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:34,600 Speaker 1: Then my partner Annelie Knwitz asked me why exactly this 353 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:37,919 Speaker 1: story had to be depressing or post apocalyptic. Why not 354 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,359 Speaker 1: write about people who were rebuilding and bouncing back. This 355 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,200 Speaker 1: insight gave me the breakthrough I needed, and this became 356 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,639 Speaker 1: a hopeful story about young people living their lives and 357 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:49,840 Speaker 1: building something new in the wake of catastrophic climate change. 358 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,280 Speaker 1: That's the end of the piece from Charlie. And it's 359 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,720 Speaker 1: really funny to me because especially the second half of 360 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:59,440 Speaker 1: the story isn't really very helpful to me. Instead of 361 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:02,440 Speaker 1: for me, it's this very nostalgic piece. You know this 362 00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:10,320 Speaker 1: especially thinking about this like being still dressing, wrong headed 363 00:22:10,359 --> 00:22:12,840 Speaker 1: and hanging out with someone who's like basically a yuppy now, 364 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:15,560 Speaker 1: right or are they right? Or they're like presenting that 365 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:17,439 Speaker 1: they're like wearing a suit and they seem to have 366 00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:20,160 Speaker 1: their shit together, right, But it's like interesting because I'm 367 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:23,000 Speaker 1: reading what they're claiming to have accomplished, like, ah, we've 368 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,840 Speaker 1: pushed back the warlords, but no one actually wants to 369 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:27,520 Speaker 1: live in the desert. And then I'm like, well, the 370 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:30,439 Speaker 1: warlords were living in the desert. I don't know, but 371 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:32,800 Speaker 1: it's so interesting to me. You know. Maybe it's interesting 372 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:35,880 Speaker 1: to me because I'm sitting here wearing my punk clothes. 373 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:37,000 Speaker 2: Yeah. 374 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:38,200 Speaker 1: I don't know if I have too much to say 375 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:42,159 Speaker 1: about the story that I haven't already said, but it 376 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:45,720 Speaker 1: sits in my head, this way of expressing what it 377 00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:48,800 Speaker 1: feels like to have been part of a culture and 378 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:52,000 Speaker 1: moves on. But also, like, my god, the part about 379 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:56,159 Speaker 1: WAYO is so dark. It's so dark, Like, but I 380 00:22:56,280 --> 00:23:01,560 Speaker 1: think about how, you know, getting through those youthful years 381 00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:04,520 Speaker 1: of like more full subculture where I'm like, oh, this 382 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,680 Speaker 1: is my family. I'll be in it forever, and I'm like, man, 383 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:10,080 Speaker 1: a lot of those people are dead and here I am, 384 00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:16,400 Speaker 1: and here you are and well, I don't know. Take 385 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:19,400 Speaker 1: care of each other, love each other, Meet your neighbors, 386 00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:22,280 Speaker 1: whether or not you like your neighbors, meet your neighbors. 387 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:26,280 Speaker 1: We have to keep each other safe. Fuck Ice and 388 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:27,359 Speaker 1: I'll talk to you next week. 389 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:33,040 Speaker 2: It could happen here as a production of cool Zone Media. 390 00:23:33,119 --> 00:23:35,800 Speaker 2: For more podcasts from cool Zone Media, visit our website 391 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:38,080 Speaker 2: cool zonemedia dot com, or check us out on the 392 00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:41,600 Speaker 2: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. 393 00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:44,199 Speaker 2: You can find sources where it Could Happen here, updated 394 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:46,439 Speaker 2: and monthly at coolzonemedia. 395 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:47,320 Speaker 1: Dot com slash sources. 396 00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:48,320 Speaker 2: Thanks for listening.