1 00:00:00,360 --> 00:00:02,880 Speaker 1: Listen to the next episode of On Purpose to hear 2 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:06,640 Speaker 1: me interview the President of the United States, Joe Biden, 3 00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:11,000 Speaker 1: Mister President opens up about grief, connection, childhood battles that 4 00:00:11,039 --> 00:00:14,600 Speaker 1: have shaped him personal mental health, and mental health at large. 5 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:17,599 Speaker 1: You don't want to miss it. Hey, everyone, I'm so 6 00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:20,680 Speaker 1: excited because we're going to be adding a really special 7 00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:24,079 Speaker 1: offering onto the back of my solo episodes on Fridays. 8 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:26,920 Speaker 1: The Daily Jay is a daily series on Calm and 9 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:30,600 Speaker 1: it's meant to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques 10 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:34,080 Speaker 1: to live a more mindful, stress free life. We dive 11 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:36,360 Speaker 1: into a range of topics and the best part is 12 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:39,839 Speaker 1: each episode is only seven minutes long, so you can 13 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,800 Speaker 1: incorporate it into your schedule no matter how busy you are. 14 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:47,280 Speaker 1: As a dedicated part of the On Purpose community, I 15 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:50,080 Speaker 1: wanted to do something special for you this year, so 16 00:00:50,159 --> 00:00:53,440 Speaker 1: I'll be playing a hand picked Daily Jay during each 17 00:00:53,479 --> 00:00:56,520 Speaker 1: of my Friday podcasts. This week, we're tackling the topic 18 00:00:56,560 --> 00:01:00,320 Speaker 1: of mindset and how to approach life with focus, perspective, 19 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,200 Speaker 1: and positivity. Of course, if you want to listen to 20 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:06,280 Speaker 1: The Daily Jay every day, you have to subscribe to Calm, 21 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,640 Speaker 1: so go to Calm dot com forward slash j for 22 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:19,440 Speaker 1: forty percent off your membership today. Hey everyone, welcome back 23 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:22,480 Speaker 1: to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. 24 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,440 Speaker 1: Thanks to each and every one of you that come 25 00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:28,240 Speaker 1: back every week to listen, learn and grow. Now, I 26 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:31,640 Speaker 1: am so grateful that you come back every week. It 27 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:33,200 Speaker 1: means the world to me. I know some of you 28 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:35,840 Speaker 1: come back every day, and I just want to take 29 00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:38,040 Speaker 1: a moment to say how much I love bumping into you. 30 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:40,960 Speaker 1: I've bumped into so many of you while traveling recently 31 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:45,240 Speaker 1: on the streets on planes. Just it's so special because 32 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,080 Speaker 1: I feel so connected to each and every one of 33 00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:52,280 Speaker 1: you that listen, because we have a similar value set, 34 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:56,160 Speaker 1: we're connecting on the same ideas, we're operating at a 35 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:59,240 Speaker 1: similar frequency, and so I honestly don't take it for 36 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,240 Speaker 1: granted when one of you come and says, hi, it 37 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:04,040 Speaker 1: means the world to me. Please always do. It's beautiful 38 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,800 Speaker 1: And I am so excited for you to listen to 39 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:11,280 Speaker 1: today's episode because I always base these episodes on the 40 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:13,960 Speaker 1: conversations I've been having that week, on things I've heard 41 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,560 Speaker 1: from people, things that I'm seeing, things that I'm noticing, 42 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,639 Speaker 1: and I find it fascinating that the number one thing 43 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:23,080 Speaker 1: I hear is Jay, how do I deal with negative people? 44 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:27,639 Speaker 1: How do I deal with toxic people? And everyone in 45 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:30,919 Speaker 1: some area of their life, whether it's their family, whether 46 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:34,760 Speaker 1: it's their work, maybe even your relationship, we all have 47 00:02:34,919 --> 00:02:38,880 Speaker 1: someone in our life who we consider to bring toxicity 48 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:42,960 Speaker 1: and negativity into it. And I'm sure that when I 49 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:46,320 Speaker 1: say that you're thinking of someone right now, you're thinking 50 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:49,720 Speaker 1: of someone who maybe said something really uncomfortable to you recently. 51 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,960 Speaker 1: Maybe they made a situation far more awkward than it 52 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:57,200 Speaker 1: needed to be. Maybe they were judgmental or critical about 53 00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:59,959 Speaker 1: one of your ideas, or maybe there was someone who 54 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:03,799 Speaker 1: just straight out makes fun of you and mocks you. 55 00:03:04,639 --> 00:03:08,280 Speaker 1: There are so many different types of toxic traits that 56 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:11,000 Speaker 1: it would take so many podcasts to even go through 57 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:14,440 Speaker 1: them in depth. But I think we've all experienced when 58 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:18,200 Speaker 1: someone's gossiping about us, when someone makes you feel like 59 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:21,760 Speaker 1: you don't know anything and they're superior to you. Maybe 60 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:25,839 Speaker 1: someone in your life never apologizes. Maybe there's someone else 61 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:29,720 Speaker 1: who's passive aggressive. There could be someone who's making you 62 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:33,840 Speaker 1: feel guilty or shameful, and maybe there's someone who just 63 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:37,840 Speaker 1: changes who they are depending on who they're with. There 64 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:42,040 Speaker 1: are so many more negative toxic traits that we all experience. 65 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:46,680 Speaker 1: And what I've found is that you're not alone. I 66 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:49,040 Speaker 1: think sometimes we think, oh, well, that person has a 67 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:51,320 Speaker 1: great group of friends, or you see someone on Instagram 68 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,200 Speaker 1: and you think, oh my gosh, they must have no problems, 69 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:57,360 Speaker 1: or their partner looks amazing, And it's so easy to 70 00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:02,440 Speaker 1: project perfection onto everyone else. How often have you done that? 71 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:04,640 Speaker 1: Raise your hands right now, not right now, not if 72 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:09,280 Speaker 1: you're driving. Just how many times have you projected perfection 73 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:14,920 Speaker 1: onto another person's life when in reality we have no 74 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:18,520 Speaker 1: idea what they're truly going through. And the more we 75 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:25,440 Speaker 1: project perfection onto others' lives, we expect perfection from our 76 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:30,320 Speaker 1: own lives, only to feel let down because it doesn't 77 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:34,279 Speaker 1: happen in reality. I look at the studies as I 78 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:37,240 Speaker 1: always like to do when I'm trying to understand a problem. 79 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,360 Speaker 1: What I try and do is I try and understand 80 00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:42,400 Speaker 1: problems through research and studies and what people are doing 81 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,640 Speaker 1: and saying and feeling, and I try and find you 82 00:04:45,839 --> 00:04:51,800 Speaker 1: solutions through practical steps ancient wisdom and putting in modern 83 00:04:51,839 --> 00:04:55,440 Speaker 1: science with that to help create these mini strategies for 84 00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:56,960 Speaker 1: all of you that I want to share today, and 85 00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 1: today I'm going to share around eight of those with you. 86 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,920 Speaker 1: So let's just take a look at this to recognize 87 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,440 Speaker 1: how you're not alone, but how many people feel this way? 88 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:08,320 Speaker 1: So one study said that in the United States, eighty 89 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:11,080 Speaker 1: four percent of women and seventy five percent of men 90 00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:14,920 Speaker 1: report having at least one toxic friendship in their life. 91 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:18,640 Speaker 1: This was according to Forbes. Furthermore, one in three US 92 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:24,200 Speaker 1: adults struggle with friendly intimacy and express dissatisfaction with their 93 00:05:24,279 --> 00:05:29,000 Speaker 1: current connections, including their closest friends. Eighty four percent of 94 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,760 Speaker 1: women and seventy five percent of men report having at 95 00:05:31,839 --> 00:05:35,120 Speaker 1: least one toxic friendship in their life, and one in 96 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:39,320 Speaker 1: three US adults struggles with their current friend circle. What's 97 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:41,719 Speaker 1: really interesting about that is if we also look at 98 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:46,039 Speaker 1: the trends, we're feeling more lonely. The Surgeon General of 99 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:49,480 Speaker 1: the United States has said we're having a loneliness epidemic. 100 00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:53,560 Speaker 1: We're feeling a lack of community. We're feeling like we're 101 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:58,000 Speaker 1: more alone, even though supposedly we're technologically more connected to others, 102 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:02,720 Speaker 1: but we feel less seen, less heard, and less understood, 103 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:05,359 Speaker 1: which means the investment you're making in listening to this 104 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:08,800 Speaker 1: episode is so important because the quality of our life 105 00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:12,880 Speaker 1: is defined by the quality of our connection. The quality 106 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:16,159 Speaker 1: of our internal satisfaction is based on how much we 107 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:19,560 Speaker 1: feel seen, heard, and understood by the people around us. 108 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:22,360 Speaker 1: So I'm hoping that this episode is going to help 109 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:26,200 Speaker 1: you improve that area of your life. And like I said, 110 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:28,040 Speaker 1: this could be happening in your day to day life, 111 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:33,080 Speaker 1: your family, your friends, your work life, or even your partner. Now, 112 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,520 Speaker 1: let's look at a couple more statistics before we dive 113 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,800 Speaker 1: into the age strategies. I want to share with you. 114 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:41,920 Speaker 1: This one said that thirty million US workers think their 115 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:47,840 Speaker 1: workplace is toxic. That's huge, thirty million US workers think 116 00:06:47,839 --> 00:06:53,880 Speaker 1: their workplace is toxic. This article by Business Insider went 117 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:58,400 Speaker 1: on to share three things that are causing toxic work 118 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:02,080 Speaker 1: cultures according to research. The first one it mentioned was 119 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:06,240 Speaker 1: toxic social norms. And I think we can all think 120 00:07:06,279 --> 00:07:10,320 Speaker 1: about what a toxic social norm is inside an organization. 121 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,720 Speaker 1: I remember when I was working in the corporate world, 122 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:18,040 Speaker 1: I noticed how so many people treated people the way 123 00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:20,760 Speaker 1: they were treated. So if when you joined, your job 124 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,520 Speaker 1: was to do everything that no one wanted to do. Now, 125 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:26,600 Speaker 1: when you've been promoted, you expect everyone else to do 126 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,920 Speaker 1: that as well. Right, I'm sure you've seen that before, 127 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:31,960 Speaker 1: where someone talks to you in a certain way, deals 128 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,120 Speaker 1: with you in a certain way, connects with you in 129 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:37,120 Speaker 1: a certain way, not even because they think it's right, 130 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:40,920 Speaker 1: but it's because what they went through was exactly the same. 131 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,000 Speaker 1: And it shocks me that we don't realize how we 132 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:47,280 Speaker 1: can be the people to stop these toxic cultures. How 133 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:49,800 Speaker 1: when we're behaving with people in that way, it never 134 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:55,400 Speaker 1: builds loyalty or long term relationships. And so toxic social 135 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:58,400 Speaker 1: norms may be something you're experiencing, but one thing I'm 136 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:00,960 Speaker 1: going to tell you is that a toxic social norm 137 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,760 Speaker 1: is something you can break. You may be the first 138 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:05,720 Speaker 1: person to break the cycle, but I promise you that 139 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:10,200 Speaker 1: will save so many people, including yourself. When we subscribe 140 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:14,560 Speaker 1: or say yes to as toxic social norm inside an organization, 141 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:19,080 Speaker 1: we set ourselves up for failure because not only are 142 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:22,600 Speaker 1: we perpetuating a cycle that began a long time ago, 143 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:27,480 Speaker 1: we're now implicating ourselves to be surrounded by that energy 144 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:30,480 Speaker 1: as well. And that's what I find is most toxic 145 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:33,800 Speaker 1: and dangerous is that we're now surrounding ourselves and our 146 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:38,040 Speaker 1: future in this organization with that culture. The second one 147 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:41,960 Speaker 1: that the article pointed out was toxic leadership. Of course, 148 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:45,440 Speaker 1: we all know what that feels like, and there was 149 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:49,720 Speaker 1: a article in the Sloan Management Review that suggested that 150 00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:53,240 Speaker 1: toxic work cultures are the driving force behind the great 151 00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:58,200 Speaker 1: resignation and a recent corn Ferry study said thirty five 152 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:01,600 Speaker 1: percent of employees say that the boss is their single 153 00:09:01,679 --> 00:09:07,320 Speaker 1: biggest source of stress at work. Now, again, this comes 154 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:10,120 Speaker 1: to that same point. When people were not led well, 155 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:13,440 Speaker 1: it's hard for them to lead well. Right, If you 156 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,640 Speaker 1: are not led well, it's hard for you to lead 157 00:09:15,679 --> 00:09:20,480 Speaker 1: well because you haven't seen that behavior be mirrored or 158 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:26,440 Speaker 1: presented or demonstrated. Now, some people do learn from that 159 00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:30,760 Speaker 1: kind of behavior. For me, I've always chosen to see 160 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,880 Speaker 1: bad behavior as a reminder to me of what I 161 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,880 Speaker 1: don't want to do. And I'll give you an example 162 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,480 Speaker 1: for my own life. I remember every time I've been 163 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:42,400 Speaker 1: in an organization, I've always been in companies where my 164 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:45,680 Speaker 1: ideas are not taken seriously. I've been told to just 165 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:48,520 Speaker 1: do my job and stick to it. If I show 166 00:09:48,559 --> 00:09:53,160 Speaker 1: initiative or innovation, it's rarely rewarded or seen as a 167 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:56,680 Speaker 1: positive thing, and I'm really grateful for where my life 168 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:59,120 Speaker 1: has taken me. But that also gave me confidence to 169 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:02,240 Speaker 1: recognize that there were a lot of people who could 170 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:04,560 Speaker 1: have potentially even got more out of me, but didn't 171 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:08,360 Speaker 1: because they weren't able to see potential. And so for me, 172 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,200 Speaker 1: I realized that when I was building my team and 173 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,440 Speaker 1: building my community, a big priority for me was how 174 00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:17,680 Speaker 1: do I help individuals. How do I lead people to 175 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:19,640 Speaker 1: bring the best out of them that they will actually 176 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:22,400 Speaker 1: give so much more. And this is something inside my 177 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:26,720 Speaker 1: organization that we call strengths, and I want everyone working 178 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:29,280 Speaker 1: on their strengths. That helps them build up a good 179 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:32,439 Speaker 1: level of self esteem, a good level of self confidence. 180 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:36,400 Speaker 1: They feel a personal sense of reward and excitement and 181 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:40,040 Speaker 1: enthusiasm because they're working on things that they're actually good at. 182 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,920 Speaker 1: And at the same time, it's strengths, and so it's 183 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:46,960 Speaker 1: strengths and working on a weakness strengths and working on 184 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:51,200 Speaker 1: a passion strengths and working on something they're curious about. 185 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,720 Speaker 1: That way, there's always growth and there's always a challenge. 186 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:57,560 Speaker 1: And I find that structuring roles in this way really helps. 187 00:10:57,920 --> 00:10:59,800 Speaker 1: And this leads to the third point that was in 188 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:04,640 Speaker 1: the article around poorly designed jobs. So many people just 189 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:07,160 Speaker 1: feel like they're in a poorly designed job. This was 190 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:12,000 Speaker 1: an article by Beatrice Nolan on Business Insider, and I 191 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:17,280 Speaker 1: found that this was really well summarized by Nolan, because 192 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:20,920 Speaker 1: when a job limits your potential, when you feel like 193 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:26,160 Speaker 1: it's limited and limiting, you can't experience the expansive nature 194 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:30,400 Speaker 1: of ideas. And I think all of us can experience this. 195 00:11:30,679 --> 00:11:33,560 Speaker 1: And what we have to realize is that the people 196 00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:36,560 Speaker 1: that are doing it to you probably also got the 197 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:39,360 Speaker 1: same treatment. Now that doesn't mean it's okay, that doesn't 198 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:41,280 Speaker 1: mean that it's an excuse. That doesn't mean that they 199 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,560 Speaker 1: should be forgiven and it's fine, And you know, I'm 200 00:11:43,559 --> 00:11:46,040 Speaker 1: not saying that I'm what I'm trying to say is 201 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,839 Speaker 1: that there is a lot more to this than meets 202 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,560 Speaker 1: the eye. A couple more statistics I wanted to share 203 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:55,079 Speaker 1: with you is that, according to the Journal of Violence 204 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,640 Speaker 1: and Victims, forty eight point four percent of women and 205 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:01,240 Speaker 1: forty eight point eight percent of men have experienced psychological 206 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,520 Speaker 1: aggression from a partner. So we can see that whether 207 00:12:04,559 --> 00:12:07,240 Speaker 1: it's work, whether it's your partner, whether it's a friend. 208 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,480 Speaker 1: All the studies point to this is something we're all 209 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:14,960 Speaker 1: experiencing right now. The loneliness. Not of not being around people, 210 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,440 Speaker 1: not of not being surrounded people, not about not being 211 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:21,400 Speaker 1: invited to parties or engaged in other ways. It's the 212 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:25,720 Speaker 1: fact that we don't really feel like someone wants what's 213 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:28,720 Speaker 1: best for us. Someone wants us to win. And so 214 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:31,360 Speaker 1: if you have someone in your life who wants you 215 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:34,960 Speaker 1: to win, if you have someone in your life who 216 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:38,199 Speaker 1: is excited for you, if you have someone in your 217 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:41,880 Speaker 1: life who's supporting your growth, even if they're not qualified 218 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:46,200 Speaker 1: or an expert, keep them close. Please value that person 219 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,880 Speaker 1: so deeply. It's so easy for us here to talk 220 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:50,720 Speaker 1: about the problem and say no one does it. But 221 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,960 Speaker 1: I promise you there's someone in your life who's doing 222 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,320 Speaker 1: it for you, and you may even just miss them. 223 00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:59,120 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's the most obvious person in your life, a 224 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:02,240 Speaker 1: mom or dad, sister or a brother, a long term 225 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:04,920 Speaker 1: friend who has just been around there and has become 226 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,320 Speaker 1: like the furniture in your life that you don't even 227 00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:11,920 Speaker 1: see them anymore. Please see them too. It's so easy 228 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,280 Speaker 1: for us to talk about the toxic people, the negative people, 229 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:16,800 Speaker 1: the people who cause issues in our life. Please take 230 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:20,480 Speaker 1: a moment to validate and acknowledge that incredible human. If 231 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:22,640 Speaker 1: you do one thing after this episode, I want you 232 00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:25,120 Speaker 1: to call that person and just tell them, Tell them 233 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:27,120 Speaker 1: you are listening to this episode and it reminded you 234 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:30,640 Speaker 1: of them and that you're so grateful to them. Now, 235 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:34,040 Speaker 1: I want to point out that toxicity is a spectrum 236 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:38,400 Speaker 1: and it's not binary. Toxicity is something that we all experience, 237 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:42,320 Speaker 1: we all demonstrate, we all have toxic traits that are 238 00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:46,000 Speaker 1: there from what has been referred to as small T 239 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:49,000 Speaker 1: trauma or big T trauma. We all have them, and 240 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,280 Speaker 1: so we're not looking at this as oh, it's a 241 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,720 Speaker 1: toxic person or a negative person. We're all on that spectrum. 242 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:57,840 Speaker 1: And I want to walk you through these eight steps 243 00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:01,199 Speaker 1: and strategies that are practical ways of dealing with this 244 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:05,720 Speaker 1: in your life. This segment about sleep rituals is brought 245 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:09,040 Speaker 1: to you by dream Cloud Sleep, the world's most affordable 246 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:12,640 Speaker 1: luxury mattress. Did you know you'll spend thirty three years 247 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:15,320 Speaker 1: of your life in bed? That means one third of 248 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:18,920 Speaker 1: your entire existence on this earth is spent sleeping or 249 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,280 Speaker 1: trying to sleep so let me tell you a little 250 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:23,760 Speaker 1: bit about how you can improve your sleep. It's all 251 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:26,960 Speaker 1: about having a sleep ritual. By having a sleep routine 252 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:30,440 Speaker 1: or ritual, you can actually teach your brain to differentiate 253 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,720 Speaker 1: between day and night, allowing it to unwind, relax, and 254 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:37,000 Speaker 1: let go of all that day's stress. A consistent sleep 255 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:41,320 Speaker 1: routine also helps regulate your body's internal clock, resulting in 256 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:45,680 Speaker 1: better sleep quality and more RESTful nights. My personal favorite 257 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,200 Speaker 1: ritual that I do before going to sleep is writing 258 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,760 Speaker 1: in my journal. I write the things that I'm grateful 259 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,480 Speaker 1: for that day. I also write down any lessons that 260 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:57,440 Speaker 1: I've learned, or positive affirmations or uplifting quotes that resonate 261 00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,560 Speaker 1: with me. And if journaling is something that you're used to, 262 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,200 Speaker 1: you can try to write at least three things that 263 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:07,080 Speaker 1: you're thankful for, reflect on anything positive that has happened 264 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:10,720 Speaker 1: that day, no matter how small, and express your gratitude 265 00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:13,520 Speaker 1: towards them. You don't need to worry if the writing 266 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:16,440 Speaker 1: is messy or if it doesn't sound like it's making sense. 267 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:19,480 Speaker 1: Just write and it will make you feel better after. 268 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:22,640 Speaker 1: Another factor that can affect your sleep quality is the 269 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:25,640 Speaker 1: mattress that you're using. Having a good mattress can give 270 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:28,040 Speaker 1: you the right comfort and support, which means you could 271 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:31,560 Speaker 1: sleep deeply and wake up feeling refreshed, which is essential 272 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:34,920 Speaker 1: for your overall health, reducing pain and feeling your best. 273 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:38,120 Speaker 1: With dream Cloud, it's much more than just buying a bed. 274 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:41,840 Speaker 1: It's an investment in yourself. 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The first thing 282 00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:15,040 Speaker 1: I'm gonna share with you is we hear the word 283 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:20,440 Speaker 1: boundaries a fair bit, and I think boundaries are really healthy. 284 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:25,320 Speaker 1: But something that's been helping me, specifically with people with 285 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:30,320 Speaker 1: negative or toxic traits in my life, is setting parameters 286 00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:33,840 Speaker 1: and constraints. Let me explain what I mean by that. 287 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:37,480 Speaker 1: I may have someone who wants to talk to me 288 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:41,560 Speaker 1: urgently and their toxic trait. Maybe they always call me 289 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,400 Speaker 1: when they want something urgently, They always call me when 290 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:46,440 Speaker 1: they need me for something to solve for them, but 291 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:48,720 Speaker 1: they don't really do it for me. But on top 292 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:52,480 Speaker 1: of that, they will make the most of that time, 293 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,720 Speaker 1: but then disappear and I won't hear from them at 294 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,400 Speaker 1: all until they need help again. And what I used 295 00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:01,360 Speaker 1: to realize is that I'm all happy to help, but 296 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:05,439 Speaker 1: I often found myself going against my own self, my 297 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:07,880 Speaker 1: own time, my own priorities, in order to do that 298 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:11,199 Speaker 1: to feel like a good person. And I realized that 299 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,480 Speaker 1: that made me more angry at myself. It made me 300 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:16,639 Speaker 1: more upset with myself for not respecting myself and my 301 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,399 Speaker 1: own boundaries. And so one thing I've started to do 302 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:23,040 Speaker 1: is set parameters and constraints. And what I mean by 303 00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:24,560 Speaker 1: that is if someone says to me, hey, I really 304 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:26,200 Speaker 1: need to talk to you right now, when they fall 305 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,720 Speaker 1: into this category of an individual, then I'll say, well, 306 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,080 Speaker 1: by the way, right now, I only have five minutes, 307 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,400 Speaker 1: and I don't think that will help me address it. 308 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:38,160 Speaker 1: Can we connect on Sunday at this time to really 309 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,960 Speaker 1: talk about it. What I often find is not only 310 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:45,200 Speaker 1: does that person. Really they may take the five minutes. 311 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:46,680 Speaker 1: What I find is a lot of the time people 312 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,000 Speaker 1: say Okay, I'll think about it, and then when I 313 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,440 Speaker 1: message them, they will have solved it or found another way. 314 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,760 Speaker 1: And what you've done is you've protected yourself. You've set 315 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:58,840 Speaker 1: a parameter and a constraint to help them understand where 316 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:02,240 Speaker 1: you're at. We have a lot of friends that get 317 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:05,119 Speaker 1: made to feel bad when they're not available all the 318 00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:10,119 Speaker 1: time for someone, and communicating your constraints and parameters helps 319 00:18:10,119 --> 00:18:13,840 Speaker 1: people understand where you're at and what your priorities are 320 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:17,360 Speaker 1: and recognizing that you still value them and care about them, 321 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:21,080 Speaker 1: but that you can't always deliver. The next step I 322 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:22,720 Speaker 1: want to share with you is something I call the 323 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:26,640 Speaker 1: seventy five twenty five rule. And this one is probably 324 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:30,240 Speaker 1: my favorite piece of advice. So a lot of you 325 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:34,520 Speaker 1: will say, Jay, I can't limit my time completely with 326 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:37,760 Speaker 1: some of these people because I see them all the time. Right, 327 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,320 Speaker 1: It's hard if you have to see someone on your 328 00:18:40,359 --> 00:18:42,920 Speaker 1: team at work every day. It's hard if there's someone 329 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,879 Speaker 1: in your family you have to see every holiday or 330 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:49,280 Speaker 1: on a vacation, it's not possible to just limit time 331 00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:51,639 Speaker 1: with them, which sounds like a good piece of advice, 332 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:55,080 Speaker 1: and it really is, but it sometimes doesn't suffice because 333 00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:58,760 Speaker 1: of the nature of that relationship and in those situations. 334 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:03,119 Speaker 1: What I've understood is creating this seventy five twenty five rule. 335 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:07,119 Speaker 1: What that means is seventy five percent of my time, 336 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:12,239 Speaker 1: my energy, my focus has to be with people that 337 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:15,119 Speaker 1: I lift up and lift me up and do not 338 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:18,119 Speaker 1: operate in that way, and then twenty five percent of 339 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:21,520 Speaker 1: my time, energy and focus has to maybe be with 340 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:25,160 Speaker 1: these people out of necessity. So how do I create 341 00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:29,199 Speaker 1: a seventy five principle in my life of how do 342 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,119 Speaker 1: I go and search out and seek for those people again, 343 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,119 Speaker 1: not just people that lift me up, but people that 344 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:37,800 Speaker 1: I'm peers with, that I'm partners with, that I'm working 345 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:41,560 Speaker 1: on things with, that I'm collaborating with, creating with. So 346 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:44,280 Speaker 1: that even though twenty five percent of my time, energy 347 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:48,400 Speaker 1: and focus is with people who add toxicity and negativity 348 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:51,840 Speaker 1: to my life, how can I be surrounded by so 349 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,840 Speaker 1: much goodness? How can I be surrounded by so much 350 00:19:54,880 --> 00:20:00,359 Speaker 1: positive energy that I'm able to deal and navigate gate 351 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:04,520 Speaker 1: the twenty five percent that is inevitable and avoidable? I 352 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,000 Speaker 1: think what we often want to do is we want 353 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,480 Speaker 1: to cut it out of our life completely, but it 354 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:11,399 Speaker 1: isn't practically possible. We wish it would just go away, 355 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:16,240 Speaker 1: but that's not reality, And the reality is that we've 356 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:19,800 Speaker 1: got to put more energy into creating that chosen community. 357 00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:23,200 Speaker 1: How can we find that chosen community, How can we create, 358 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:28,160 Speaker 1: curate build put effort into that chosen community. The third 359 00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,920 Speaker 1: method I want to share with you is you don't 360 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:33,679 Speaker 1: have to fix them. A lot of the time, the 361 00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:37,199 Speaker 1: stress we feel about negative and toxic people is we 362 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:39,560 Speaker 1: feel we have to solve them, we have to fix 363 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:43,399 Speaker 1: the situation at work, and that we need to work 364 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,720 Speaker 1: tirelessly to figure it out. And often we can spend 365 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,600 Speaker 1: so much of our energy trying to figure out something 366 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:53,600 Speaker 1: negative that we don't use that same energy that could 367 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:57,120 Speaker 1: create something positive and brilliant. We have to take off 368 00:20:57,240 --> 00:21:02,240 Speaker 1: that burden and that over warming responsibility that we often 369 00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:06,280 Speaker 1: carry that I need to fix them. I need to 370 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:09,320 Speaker 1: be the one who will make them change. I need 371 00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,800 Speaker 1: to teach them something. They need to learn something. And 372 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:18,439 Speaker 1: what we don't realize is that how they learn and 373 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:23,320 Speaker 1: who they'll learn from may not be us. It may 374 00:21:23,359 --> 00:21:25,879 Speaker 1: not be our position in their life, it may not 375 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:29,920 Speaker 1: be the relationship we have with them. And so instead 376 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,560 Speaker 1: of taking on that stress and burden, which means we're 377 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:35,679 Speaker 1: spending every hour that we're not with them trying to 378 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:39,360 Speaker 1: figure out them and think about them, we're only depleting 379 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,879 Speaker 1: and exhausting our own energy. So I want you to 380 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,639 Speaker 1: really consider that, how much of your time do you 381 00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:50,040 Speaker 1: spend thinking about how to solve something that you're not 382 00:21:50,119 --> 00:21:53,280 Speaker 1: in charge of, And if you are going to solve it, 383 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,399 Speaker 1: one of the best ways to do it is to 384 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:59,760 Speaker 1: build a system. I find that systems are incredible ways 385 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:07,359 Speaker 1: of avoiding emotional baggage in an organization, in a team, 386 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,399 Speaker 1: and even in a relationship. If you have a system. 387 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:13,000 Speaker 1: I'll give you an example one thing that was happening 388 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:17,000 Speaker 1: to one of my clients. My client has their assistant, 389 00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:22,000 Speaker 1: and their assistant always gets messages saying, oh, your boss 390 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:25,320 Speaker 1: told me to schedule some time, and the assistant used 391 00:22:25,359 --> 00:22:28,000 Speaker 1: to take that to be true and would schedule the time. 392 00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:29,879 Speaker 1: The boss would then say, why did you schedule that 393 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:33,199 Speaker 1: time with me? I never said that the lack of 394 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:38,040 Speaker 1: a system was creating a pattern and a problem for them, 395 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:40,240 Speaker 1: and often with people they didn't want to spend time with. 396 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:43,320 Speaker 1: So they created a system that that person would write 397 00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:45,199 Speaker 1: to their assistant, the assistant would talk to them and 398 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:50,600 Speaker 1: then communicate their exact priorities and challenges for the day. 399 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,960 Speaker 1: And I think it's so important to recognize that a 400 00:22:54,119 --> 00:22:59,360 Speaker 1: system can solve what emotions often can't. Often we've struggle 401 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:03,040 Speaker 1: to have and emotionally mature conversation with someone we think 402 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:06,560 Speaker 1: is toxic or negative or as toxic traits, and a 403 00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:10,600 Speaker 1: system can solve that far better. So that's really the 404 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:14,040 Speaker 1: fourth step is what's your system? And checking your schedule 405 00:23:14,119 --> 00:23:17,200 Speaker 1: is a great system by saying, let me just check 406 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:20,280 Speaker 1: that with my team, let me just check that back 407 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:24,440 Speaker 1: at home, and that protects you in the moment from 408 00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:27,159 Speaker 1: saying yes or agreeing to something that you don't want 409 00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:30,080 Speaker 1: to agree for, and then being able to communicate more 410 00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:32,840 Speaker 1: effectively in the future. The problem with negative and toxic 411 00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:35,240 Speaker 1: people is everything always feels urgent, everything always feels like 412 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:38,440 Speaker 1: it has to be done right now, and giving ourselves 413 00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:43,040 Speaker 1: that time and space actually gives us the ability to 414 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:48,160 Speaker 1: respond in a way that we truly want to, rather 415 00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:52,960 Speaker 1: than feeling the pressure now. The fifth step is creating 416 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:55,639 Speaker 1: a policy. I think this kind of goes align with 417 00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,560 Speaker 1: the systems that I was saying earlier, But this is 418 00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:00,600 Speaker 1: more of a personal policy. So we know that governments 419 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:05,040 Speaker 1: make policy, companies have policies, but I want you to 420 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:09,040 Speaker 1: create policies and agreements with yourself. I'll give an example. 421 00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:13,720 Speaker 1: One of my clients was dealing with someone who would 422 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,120 Speaker 1: always try and bring down their achievement. That person would 423 00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:18,840 Speaker 1: always have something negative to say. If they posted on 424 00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:20,920 Speaker 1: Instagram and they bumped into this person, this person would 425 00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:23,080 Speaker 1: always say, oh yeah, but you know what if this 426 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:27,160 Speaker 1: goes wrong, this person would always rarely want to celebrate 427 00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,560 Speaker 1: them and this would really play on their mind. So 428 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:31,040 Speaker 1: I asked them, in the same way as I'm sharing 429 00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:32,880 Speaker 1: with you, to create a policy, to create an agreement. 430 00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:35,440 Speaker 1: The agreement they made is I'm not going to see 431 00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:38,520 Speaker 1: that person when I've had good news. I'm not going 432 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,640 Speaker 1: to hang out with that group of friends when I've 433 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:43,080 Speaker 1: had good news. Now I'm not saying that's the right answer, 434 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:47,480 Speaker 1: but it worked for them. They created a policy. It's 435 00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:51,399 Speaker 1: creating an if this then that scenario. Where is it 436 00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:54,160 Speaker 1: and when is it that this person really gets under 437 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:57,080 Speaker 1: your skin? Is it on that holiday party? Is it 438 00:24:57,160 --> 00:25:02,480 Speaker 1: when you're presenting something at work? Is it when you're 439 00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:06,120 Speaker 1: trying to get your point across. How can you prepare 440 00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:09,760 Speaker 1: for that moment before it happens? For another person, another 441 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:11,680 Speaker 1: friend I worked with, they found that every time they 442 00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,080 Speaker 1: shared an idea at work, this person at the table 443 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:17,240 Speaker 1: would shut it down. So instead of presenting their idea 444 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:20,840 Speaker 1: at the first time at the table where they'd feel insecure, 445 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:23,680 Speaker 1: and often they wouldn't even share their idea, they would 446 00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,320 Speaker 1: go around and meet with other people in the company 447 00:25:27,119 --> 00:25:30,439 Speaker 1: and share that idea beforehand to get their feedback so 448 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:33,000 Speaker 1: that they could share an improved idea at the table. 449 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:35,960 Speaker 1: Now when this person tried to shut them down, everyone 450 00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:38,199 Speaker 1: else would say, oh no, but we workshoped this already 451 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:40,640 Speaker 1: and we figured that out. Now everyone else was able 452 00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:44,200 Speaker 1: to support them. If we're aware of how we're triggered, 453 00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:47,560 Speaker 1: when we're triggered, and what happens when we're triggered, we 454 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,760 Speaker 1: can actually prepare. So create that policy, create that agreement 455 00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,960 Speaker 1: with yourself. What is it? Because if you keep just 456 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:57,440 Speaker 1: setting yourself up for failure by saying, oh, this time, 457 00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:59,679 Speaker 1: I'm just going to present a better idea or no, 458 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:02,399 Speaker 1: what is the practice? What is the strategy that you 459 00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:06,240 Speaker 1: can take to protect yourself. And I think that's the 460 00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:11,040 Speaker 1: key word here. You're trying to protect yourself not by avoidance, 461 00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:15,280 Speaker 1: not by dimming your light, not by being less proactive 462 00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:19,720 Speaker 1: and powerful, but by being more thoughtful and mindful about 463 00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:22,679 Speaker 1: actually solving the root of the issue. The root of 464 00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:24,960 Speaker 1: the issue is you maybe haven't gone out and got 465 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:28,960 Speaker 1: enough support. Let's focus on that rather than focusing on 466 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:34,800 Speaker 1: this one person derailing everything. The sixth step is slightly challenging, 467 00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:37,720 Speaker 1: but I want you to consider it, notice where this 468 00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:41,560 Speaker 1: trait comes from for them, and try to understand it better. 469 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:45,320 Speaker 1: For example, it always helps me recognizing that some of 470 00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:48,600 Speaker 1: the leaders who limited my potential are people who had 471 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:52,320 Speaker 1: their potential limited. It's likely that they've gone through something 472 00:26:52,359 --> 00:26:55,879 Speaker 1: that's made them that way. Let me reflect on that, 473 00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:58,240 Speaker 1: let me be aware of that, let me be conscious 474 00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:01,840 Speaker 1: of that. Let me not disregard the fact that they 475 00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:05,440 Speaker 1: didn't have those opportunities either. Now why is this useful? 476 00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:08,680 Speaker 1: It's useful because you start to realize it isn't personal, 477 00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:12,359 Speaker 1: it's not about you. The biggest mistake we make with 478 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,200 Speaker 1: toxic and negative people we think it's something we do, 479 00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:17,439 Speaker 1: and we take on that guilt and we take on 480 00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:19,560 Speaker 1: that shame and we think we need to change something, 481 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:23,679 Speaker 1: and we don't realize that by recognizing the pain that 482 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:27,680 Speaker 1: they've been through, we get to recognize that that pain 483 00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:30,520 Speaker 1: is out pouring onto us, not because of who we 484 00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:34,760 Speaker 1: are as a person. The pain someone caused them is 485 00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:39,080 Speaker 1: pouring out onto you, but not because of the person 486 00:27:39,119 --> 00:27:42,080 Speaker 1: that you are. That creates a distance between you and 487 00:27:42,119 --> 00:27:46,600 Speaker 1: that pain, and you need that to protect yourself. Again. Now, 488 00:27:47,119 --> 00:27:50,240 Speaker 1: the seventh tip is counterintuitive to that, and as the 489 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:52,720 Speaker 1: opposite of that, this was something I learned during my 490 00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:55,600 Speaker 1: time as a monk that really helped me and I've 491 00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:58,720 Speaker 1: often shared it with friends and it's a challenging one, 492 00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:02,280 Speaker 1: but it's noticed where you have the trait that you 493 00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:05,679 Speaker 1: don't like in someone, often the trait you don't like 494 00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:08,960 Speaker 1: in someone is a trait that you possess somewhere deep 495 00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:12,280 Speaker 1: down inside. And if you can just scan your life 496 00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:15,160 Speaker 1: and think where do I do that. There's a friend 497 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:18,400 Speaker 1: in my life who always felt that no one put 498 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:21,879 Speaker 1: effort with them, no one cared about them. But actually 499 00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:24,720 Speaker 1: when I help them reflect, they found that they were 500 00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:29,359 Speaker 1: that friend in their relationships. And it's really interesting. We 501 00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:31,600 Speaker 1: think that someone who has a toxic or negative trait 502 00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:34,879 Speaker 1: is really aware of it. Chances are we're not. I 503 00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:37,359 Speaker 1: realize that in myself there are so many people that 504 00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:40,880 Speaker 1: I want more attention from or affection from, and I 505 00:28:40,880 --> 00:28:42,440 Speaker 1: don't realize there are so many people in my life 506 00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:47,000 Speaker 1: who want attention and affection from me. And noticing that 507 00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:50,800 Speaker 1: we have that trait helps build compassion and understanding for 508 00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:54,760 Speaker 1: the human condition, which is so complex and challenging. That 509 00:28:54,840 --> 00:28:58,880 Speaker 1: compassion allows us to give ourselves grace, and it allows 510 00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:01,560 Speaker 1: us to give them grace as well. And the eighth 511 00:29:01,600 --> 00:29:03,080 Speaker 1: and final step I want to share with you is 512 00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:07,720 Speaker 1: don't amplify their presence. We pay too much attention to 513 00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:10,479 Speaker 1: the people that cause us pain, and we pay too 514 00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:14,920 Speaker 1: little attention to the people that help us. Find out potential. 515 00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:19,560 Speaker 1: Seek our mentors, seek out guides. Connect with those people, 516 00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:25,720 Speaker 1: find places, find communities to create those connections because they'll 517 00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:30,320 Speaker 1: last a lot longer. The toxicity will be temporary, but 518 00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:35,600 Speaker 1: the energy could be endless. Thank you so much for 519 00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:38,880 Speaker 1: listening to on Purpose. Please make sure you leave your reviews. 520 00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:41,600 Speaker 1: I read them regularly to connect with you to understand 521 00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:43,720 Speaker 1: how we can improve. I want you to know that 522 00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:46,680 Speaker 1: I'm always trying to improve the podcast. I'm always trying 523 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:49,360 Speaker 1: to improve our partners here. I'm always trying to make 524 00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:52,320 Speaker 1: sure that we're communicating with you effectively because I value 525 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:55,120 Speaker 1: so much and I really value you so Thank you 526 00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:57,600 Speaker 1: so much for being here, and make sure to look 527 00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:01,600 Speaker 1: out for Monday's episode. The next guest episode to hear 528 00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:05,360 Speaker 1: me interview the President of the United States, Joe Biden. 529 00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:09,720 Speaker 1: Mister President opens up about grief, connection, childhood battles that 530 00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:13,320 Speaker 1: have shaped him personal mental health, and mental health at large. 531 00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:24,200 Speaker 1: You don't want to miss it. It's fairly easy to 532 00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:27,840 Speaker 1: notice the good as you go through your day, like 533 00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:33,400 Speaker 1: finishing work early or having a great workout. It's tougher 534 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:36,800 Speaker 1: to notice the positive when you hit a snag or 535 00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:41,760 Speaker 1: a setback when something doesn't go your way. But learning 536 00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:47,200 Speaker 1: to find the beauty in imperfect moments can be life changing. 537 00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:51,400 Speaker 1: So today we're going to shift our mindset to do 538 00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:55,800 Speaker 1: just that. The next seven minutes are about your perspective 539 00:30:56,240 --> 00:30:59,960 Speaker 1: and how to see those sneaky silver linings. I'm jay 540 00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:05,680 Speaker 1: Is Sheddy. Welcome to the Davy j First, let's start 541 00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:09,320 Speaker 1: with a few mindful breaths to get a little more 542 00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:22,240 Speaker 1: centered breathing in and breathing out, stomach and chest expanding, body, 543 00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:31,680 Speaker 1: relaxing and softening, letting go of distractions, and tuning into 544 00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:39,920 Speaker 1: the present. Beautiful Today, I'd like to share an old story. 545 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:45,760 Speaker 1: It's about a wise woman in a small mountain village. 546 00:31:45,800 --> 00:31:49,720 Speaker 1: Every day, this woman carried two buckets of water, which 547 00:31:49,800 --> 00:31:54,360 Speaker 1: hung from a bamboo pole slung over her shoulders. One 548 00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:58,920 Speaker 1: bucket was solid and unbroken, the other worn and cracked. 549 00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:03,280 Speaker 1: Day after day, she filled her buckets from the well 550 00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:06,800 Speaker 1: and walked them along the same dirt path through town, 551 00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:11,160 Speaker 1: water trickling from the cracked bucket until it was only 552 00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:16,360 Speaker 1: half full. One day, a villager asked why the woman 553 00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:22,560 Speaker 1: continued using the leaky bucket. She paused, then pointed to 554 00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:26,680 Speaker 1: one side of the path. To side under the full bucket, 555 00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:31,200 Speaker 1: It was barren, not a blade of grass was growing. 556 00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:35,280 Speaker 1: Then she pointed to the other side of the path. 557 00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:42,160 Speaker 1: It was a lush blooming with colorful wildflowers. And here's 558 00:32:42,200 --> 00:32:49,680 Speaker 1: what she said, look at the beauty that imperfection has made. 559 00:32:50,320 --> 00:32:53,800 Speaker 1: How many of us would get frustrated by the leaky bucket. 560 00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:56,920 Speaker 1: How many of us would rush to fix the leak 561 00:32:57,480 --> 00:33:02,120 Speaker 1: or get fixated on it without to notice the wildflowers 562 00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:06,440 Speaker 1: it produced. But look what you can find when you 563 00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:13,160 Speaker 1: look beyond the floor. Within imperfection lies the opportunity to 564 00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:18,560 Speaker 1: find something positive, to find beauty. And when you open 565 00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:22,840 Speaker 1: up to that possibility, it can transform the way you 566 00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:28,760 Speaker 1: experience life. Because life is full of stumbles and setbacks, 567 00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:36,120 Speaker 1: obstacles and inconveniences, leaky buckets. But imagine if when you 568 00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:39,160 Speaker 1: hit a bump in the road, instead of focusing on 569 00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:44,200 Speaker 1: the obstacle, you look for the opportunity. Stuck in traffic 570 00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:48,920 Speaker 1: on its face, that's frustrating. No one wants to sit 571 00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:53,480 Speaker 1: staring at someone's tail lights. But what if you pause 572 00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:58,560 Speaker 1: and shift your perspective. Maybe you now have time to 573 00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:02,960 Speaker 1: finish that podcast, catch up with a friend, or simply 574 00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:05,680 Speaker 1: look out the window for the first time all day. 575 00:34:07,080 --> 00:34:12,480 Speaker 1: Didn't get that job, no doubt, it's disappointing. Rejection is hard, 576 00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:17,160 Speaker 1: and I don't expect you to celebrate here. But perhaps 577 00:34:17,719 --> 00:34:20,840 Speaker 1: now you're that much more prepared for the next interview, 578 00:34:21,600 --> 00:34:27,399 Speaker 1: or you made important new connections. At first, it may 579 00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:32,880 Speaker 1: be challenging. This is not the positive that's right in 580 00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:37,440 Speaker 1: front of your face. This is the open window next 581 00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:41,640 Speaker 1: to the closed door, the rainstorm that washes your dusty 582 00:34:41,760 --> 00:34:47,800 Speaker 1: car clean, the flowers under the leaky bucket. Of course, 583 00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:54,360 Speaker 1: some leaky buckets are just well leaky. Sometimes wildflowers don't grow. 584 00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:59,319 Speaker 1: But more often than not, if we look for a 585 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:04,240 Speaker 1: lesson or a silver lining, if we look for the beauty, 586 00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:09,279 Speaker 1: we'll find it. And once you train your brain to 587 00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:13,960 Speaker 1: look beyond your first reaction, you'll be more likely to 588 00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:19,879 Speaker 1: see the upside in even the most unlikely situations. Now 589 00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:22,440 Speaker 1: we're going to try this out as we turn to 590 00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:29,239 Speaker 1: our meditation. We're going to practice searching for the good. First, 591 00:35:29,320 --> 00:35:34,320 Speaker 1: get comfortable wherever you are, allowing your body to relax, 592 00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:44,319 Speaker 1: breathing in a full, deep breath, breathing out, letting it 593 00:35:44,400 --> 00:35:52,240 Speaker 1: all go. Try finding an anchor in this moment, something 594 00:35:52,280 --> 00:35:57,000 Speaker 1: to focus your attention on. It could be the feeling 595 00:35:57,040 --> 00:36:03,560 Speaker 1: of the breath entering and leaving your body, maybe the 596 00:36:03,719 --> 00:36:14,400 Speaker 1: rise and fall of your stomach. Anytime your mind drifts, 597 00:36:15,480 --> 00:36:19,280 Speaker 1: noticing where it went and seeing if you can gently 598 00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:29,600 Speaker 1: bring it back to that anchor. And let's open this 599 00:36:29,719 --> 00:36:33,440 Speaker 1: up a bit. See if you can bring to mind 600 00:36:33,680 --> 00:36:37,880 Speaker 1: a time when something didn't go your way. Now, this 601 00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:41,920 Speaker 1: doesn't have to be a big thing. You can start small. 602 00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:49,799 Speaker 1: Did you fixate on the problem or rush to try 603 00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:57,719 Speaker 1: to fix it? Now? Try looking beyond the initial frustration. 604 00:36:58,920 --> 00:37:02,520 Speaker 1: What good may have come from it? Can you discover 605 00:37:02,640 --> 00:37:12,080 Speaker 1: a silver lining? If unpleasant feelings come up, that's okay too. 606 00:37:12,719 --> 00:37:17,040 Speaker 1: We're not dismissing what's difficult here. We're just seeing if 607 00:37:17,040 --> 00:37:22,360 Speaker 1: we can find the positive beyond the negative, allowing ourselves 608 00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:27,040 Speaker 1: to make space for it all. Life can be challenging. 609 00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:31,239 Speaker 1: There's really nothing we can do about that, but we 610 00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:36,439 Speaker 1: do have the power to change our perspective. So when 611 00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:41,279 Speaker 1: your buckets leaking, look for the flowers. Thank you for 612 00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:44,799 Speaker 1: trying something new with me. I'm grateful for you, and 613 00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:47,920 Speaker 1: I can't wait to connect once again tomorrow.