WEBVTT - Checking In w/ Dr. Joel Tudman 0:00:00.320 --> 0:00:03.200 Welcome to Checking In with Michelle Williams, a production of 0:00:03.240 --> 0:00:05.160 iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. 0:00:13.400 --> 0:00:16.439 Hey, you do you know who you are? 0:00:17.239 --> 0:00:20.960 If you don't, do you know that you are worth 0:00:21.040 --> 0:00:26.200 fighting for your worth searching for who you really are? 0:00:27.640 --> 0:00:28.880 And it's okay. 0:00:28.640 --> 0:00:31.479 Once you find out, Man, this is who you really are. 0:00:32.600 --> 0:00:37.080 If that's you, stay tuned for this life changing episode 0:00:37.440 --> 0:00:43.400 of Checking In. Okay, everybody, welcome to another amazing episode 0:00:43.400 --> 0:00:47.320 of Checking In. I'm telling y'all, week after week the 0:00:47.479 --> 0:00:51.120 guests get better and better and better. Today, I am 0:00:51.240 --> 0:00:55.440 truly truly excited, thrilled, and humbled. Some of y'all be 0:00:55.440 --> 0:00:58.800 saying honored when you should be saying humbled. I am 0:00:59.080 --> 0:01:06.440 humbled to have my friend, my brother, doctor Joel Tudman, 0:01:07.200 --> 0:01:10.760 the author of the best selling book that's it, The 0:01:10.800 --> 0:01:19.199 Fight to find Yourself, Author, teacher, pastor, mentor, coach, many 0:01:19.240 --> 0:01:21.800 many things, and we're going to get to all of 0:01:21.840 --> 0:01:25.560 that again. His new book, The Fight to find Yourself 0:01:25.840 --> 0:01:29.319 is available and we're going to talk about it right now. 0:01:29.400 --> 0:01:33.000 He is based in Florida. Got some great things going 0:01:33.120 --> 0:01:36.479 from Oklahoma, Dallas to Florida. We're going to talk about 0:01:36.480 --> 0:01:38.600 that and where we can find him a little bit. 0:01:39.240 --> 0:01:42.759 Towards the end of this interview, doctor Tubman, welcome. 0:01:42.680 --> 0:01:45.160 Hey, thank you so much for allowing me to come 0:01:45.200 --> 0:01:56.600 into your space. You are an amazing accomplished author, singer, dancer, preacher, actor, actress, 0:01:56.600 --> 0:01:59.440 all those things, right, come on here, So it's no 0:01:59.480 --> 0:02:02.600 but it's one. Well, thank you for having me many things. 0:02:02.720 --> 0:02:05.560 I'm jealous of the palm trees and all that stuff 0:02:05.600 --> 0:02:09.320 going on in the background. It's so great and gloomy 0:02:09.400 --> 0:02:12.000 in New York City. 0:02:13.200 --> 0:02:16.800 Automobiles and honking horns and people walking and cussing. 0:02:17.000 --> 0:02:22.880 That's what you got mad because it stinks some big rats. 0:02:23.520 --> 0:02:28.440 Listen why he's so big here before that's the next book. 0:02:30.280 --> 0:02:30.680 Listen. 0:02:31.560 --> 0:02:36.720 We were naming all kinds of things that we are also, y'all. 0:02:36.720 --> 0:02:40.960 I didn't mention he's also a husband, a son, a father, 0:02:41.240 --> 0:02:45.440 a friend, and so we're naming all these things that 0:02:45.919 --> 0:02:49.560 we are that the world knows that we are. But 0:02:49.840 --> 0:02:53.120 in there do we know who we are to ourselves? 0:02:54.240 --> 0:02:56.840 And that's what the fight to find yourself is. 0:02:58.240 --> 0:02:59.880 Doctor. I was reading this book. 0:03:01.040 --> 0:03:03.520 I chose to read some of it in the hair salon, 0:03:03.520 --> 0:03:05.080 because you know, when we stand in the hair salon 0:03:05.120 --> 0:03:07.000 for hours, and I knew this was going to be 0:03:07.000 --> 0:03:09.320 a page turner. So I'm sitting in the in the 0:03:09.400 --> 0:03:12.520 chair saying, oh my god, this is so good. Oh 0:03:12.600 --> 0:03:14.480 this is good, and people are looking at me because 0:03:14.480 --> 0:03:15.640 I don't have food in my hand. 0:03:15.720 --> 0:03:17.400 I don't have a drink in my hand. 0:03:18.120 --> 0:03:24.080 The book is so good, it is amazing. It had 0:03:24.160 --> 0:03:31.520 me in a choke hold in the introduction. It's so surgical. 0:03:32.560 --> 0:03:34.400 And I'm going to say this, and. 0:03:34.320 --> 0:03:37.440 We're going to interview, but it may be it may be. 0:03:37.480 --> 0:03:41.960 Almost nervous to read the rest, really, because it checked 0:03:41.960 --> 0:03:48.600 me in the introduction. Wow, it was like doing surgery 0:03:48.640 --> 0:03:50.680 on me in the introduction. 0:03:50.800 --> 0:03:51.600 No anesthesia. 0:03:52.360 --> 0:03:53.440 Well you know that's painful. 0:03:54.920 --> 0:03:57.160 But I think some of the things that we need 0:03:57.360 --> 0:03:59.640 can't always come with sugar on the side. 0:04:00.240 --> 0:04:02.280 The truth. I'm so glad you said that. But we're 0:04:02.280 --> 0:04:05.080 in such a society it loves the sugar, and you 0:04:05.200 --> 0:04:07.680 have to figure out how do you infuse a little 0:04:07.680 --> 0:04:11.320 sweetness with the salt in today's society. 0:04:12.040 --> 0:04:16.240 Look literally, in one of your chapters of the book, 0:04:16.880 --> 0:04:20.359 break Down or Breakthrough, one of the sub things was 0:04:20.480 --> 0:04:21.720 learning to receive correction. 0:04:21.760 --> 0:04:23.880 But we're going to get there. I want to know 0:04:25.480 --> 0:04:29.760 this book how and why? How did it come about? 0:04:29.920 --> 0:04:32.200 Why did you decide now, let me write this book, 0:04:32.279 --> 0:04:33.720 even though you probably wrote it a couple of years ago, 0:04:33.720 --> 0:04:34.960 because it takes a couple of years before it to 0:04:34.960 --> 0:04:38.960 get to our hands. But at the time, why the 0:04:39.000 --> 0:04:40.279 fight to find yourself? 0:04:40.880 --> 0:04:43.480 Because it took so long to do it? And because 0:04:43.520 --> 0:04:46.880 it took so long to do it, I had grown 0:04:47.080 --> 0:04:50.960 past the phase of trying to prove myself to people. 0:04:51.600 --> 0:04:54.279 I spent the majority of my life trying to fit 0:04:54.360 --> 0:04:58.279 into circles that add no room for me. And as 0:04:58.360 --> 0:05:02.960 gifted as I was, I still been feel that I 0:05:03.040 --> 0:05:09.039 had the gift that be accepted into the rooms that 0:05:09.520 --> 0:05:14.080 I thought I should be in. I was in certain rooms, 0:05:14.080 --> 0:05:15.599 but those weren't the rooms I wanted to be in. 0:05:15.640 --> 0:05:17.800 Those weren't the people I wanted to be around. I 0:05:17.839 --> 0:05:21.360 have my eyes fixed, like, if I get there, I 0:05:21.440 --> 0:05:24.440 know that these doors are going to kick over for me, 0:05:24.560 --> 0:05:28.080 life is going to change. So I turned my life 0:05:28.960 --> 0:05:33.839 to follow a pattern of what I thought would be 0:05:34.000 --> 0:05:38.080 my next and it never was. And so I've lived 0:05:38.120 --> 0:05:42.080 a series of that, trying to become, trying to become, 0:05:42.320 --> 0:05:45.120 trying to do trying to do and none of it 0:05:45.160 --> 0:05:48.719 got me anywhere. So over the course of time and 0:05:48.800 --> 0:05:54.560 getting the right mentorship, yeah, and someone stripping your lens 0:05:55.440 --> 0:05:58.680 and cutting through all of the facades, all of the 0:05:58.880 --> 0:06:03.640 decorated mask that you put on. He cut through it, 0:06:04.240 --> 0:06:10.520 and it disrupted all of my thinking. It disrupted every 0:06:10.560 --> 0:06:13.440 pattern that I had built, and so there was a 0:06:13.440 --> 0:06:16.480 lot of internal healing that took place, but there was 0:06:16.520 --> 0:06:18.719 still a lot of bleeding that was going on. And 0:06:18.760 --> 0:06:22.440 in the process of that, I decided, let me document 0:06:23.760 --> 0:06:28.719 what I'm going through because this doesn't feel good, but 0:06:28.880 --> 0:06:33.560 I've understood over time there's all gold inside of every 0:06:34.000 --> 0:06:38.320 situation that you're going through. So for me going through 0:06:38.360 --> 0:06:42.680 the right mentorship, uncovering and understanding that I'm okay the 0:06:42.720 --> 0:06:45.719 way I am and that I may never enter those circles, 0:06:45.720 --> 0:06:50.680 and that's absolutely okay. Once I realized that and I 0:06:50.720 --> 0:06:55.479 got stripped cut and then two critical deaths, my son's 0:06:55.480 --> 0:07:01.480 debt and my father's death. After those two deaths, everything unfolded. 0:07:01.880 --> 0:07:05.039 Everything that he was teaching me started making sense to me, 0:07:05.640 --> 0:07:09.720 and trying to do all of this stuff to fit 0:07:09.800 --> 0:07:12.640 in these rooms where nobody opened the door for me. 0:07:12.840 --> 0:07:18.600 Don't all the matter. I realized I'm a door, I'm 0:07:18.600 --> 0:07:24.440 a prize, I am worth the time. What he's given 0:07:24.560 --> 0:07:30.120 me is a blueprint, blueplint, blueprint within itself. But it 0:07:30.280 --> 0:07:35.680 took time to strip through everything that I have built 0:07:36.120 --> 0:07:39.080 that I thought was good, that was absolutely killing me. 0:07:40.320 --> 0:07:43.080 And then I realized, I think it's trying to release 0:07:43.240 --> 0:07:44.200 all the stuff that I love. 0:07:46.880 --> 0:07:50.840 And that there in itself. Y'all think, I think, y'all 0:07:50.840 --> 0:07:55.680 can hear? Is a process, is a journey. Some of 0:07:55.760 --> 0:07:58.120 us don't realize when they I've heard the saying what 0:07:58.120 --> 0:08:00.000 do you bring to the table. It takes a while 0:08:00.120 --> 0:08:01.560 for people say I am the table. 0:08:03.720 --> 0:08:06.920 It takes a lot time for you to realize that 0:08:06.960 --> 0:08:09.320 you are at the table because you know you got 0:08:09.360 --> 0:08:14.840 the goods. Yeah, you can have every piece that everybody's 0:08:14.880 --> 0:08:20.080 looking for, but that doesn't mean that you recognize what 0:08:20.440 --> 0:08:23.880 you bring. And a lot of times that doesn't happen 0:08:23.960 --> 0:08:27.040 until you realize who you are. Because, again I talk 0:08:27.080 --> 0:08:28.960 about in the book, we become known for what we 0:08:29.120 --> 0:08:33.079 do before we know who we are. Depending on how 0:08:33.120 --> 0:08:36.080 popular you get, especially in your shoes, I mean, you 0:08:36.160 --> 0:08:39.600 blew up if you didn't have good people in your life, 0:08:40.120 --> 0:08:43.920 taught you the value of who you guys were, your family, 0:08:43.960 --> 0:08:47.160 what you stood for, what you stand for. To unravel 0:08:47.240 --> 0:08:51.760 the gifts and then unravel you, then that's a possibility 0:08:51.800 --> 0:08:53.800 that the world could have picked you up, spit you 0:08:53.840 --> 0:08:56.840 out of crumpled you in the pieces. 0:08:57.920 --> 0:09:00.880 And some of that is the world's purpose is to 0:09:01.000 --> 0:09:03.160 try to do. 0:09:03.040 --> 0:09:04.040 All the things. 0:09:04.320 --> 0:09:06.040 I want to go back to something that you were 0:09:06.040 --> 0:09:10.320 saying about trying to fit in and as I was thinking, 0:09:10.720 --> 0:09:15.360 it seems like some of the most gifted people fit 0:09:15.520 --> 0:09:21.640 in don't fit in anywhere. Two some of the rooms 0:09:21.640 --> 0:09:24.480 that you want to fit in, you're actually better than them. 0:09:27.080 --> 0:09:27.400 Three. 0:09:29.120 --> 0:09:32.280 Some of the rooms don't want you in the room. 0:09:33.840 --> 0:09:38.840 Because if you get in the room, the attention turns 0:09:38.960 --> 0:09:40.760 from them to you. 0:09:40.920 --> 0:09:42.000 And you just walked in. 0:09:42.840 --> 0:09:47.040 You didn't say nothing is something. You just right down 0:09:47.160 --> 0:09:52.280 the list so profoundly because I just exactly the process 0:09:52.920 --> 0:09:56.160 once I got into some of those rooms, and look, 0:09:56.640 --> 0:09:57.400 it just happened. 0:09:57.400 --> 0:10:00.320 You shouldn't some of these rooms book. 0:10:00.360 --> 0:10:02.680 He talked about it in the book. He's not saying anything, 0:10:02.760 --> 0:10:05.040 y'all that's not in the book. The Fight to find Yourself. 0:10:06.480 --> 0:10:10.960 Just walked in and I'm like I was trying to 0:10:10.960 --> 0:10:14.440 get here. You mean to tell me I was breaking 0:10:14.480 --> 0:10:19.520 my neck to get here and this is nothing, This 0:10:19.559 --> 0:10:22.320 is absolutely nothing. You're you know, I don't even want 0:10:22.320 --> 0:10:23.600 to say that. I was gonna say you're terrible, but 0:10:23.640 --> 0:10:25.760 that's not a great thing to say. But I'm breaking 0:10:25.800 --> 0:10:27.880 my neck to try to meet a certain person and 0:10:28.000 --> 0:10:30.280 get in a certain person's face. And when I get 0:10:30.320 --> 0:10:32.679 to that person, I'm like what. 0:10:33.040 --> 0:10:35.800 I'm saying, I'd rather be at Texas Roadhouse getting them 0:10:35.800 --> 0:10:38.560 hot rolls with the butter. And y'all were saying this 0:10:38.640 --> 0:10:42.679 for a reason, because you are a force within yourself, 0:10:42.840 --> 0:10:46.520 like owning and embracing what God has given you. We 0:10:46.559 --> 0:10:49.360 want to teach y'all there are certain places that you're 0:10:49.360 --> 0:10:52.240 fighting to be that the reason why sometimes you're not 0:10:52.320 --> 0:10:54.640 there is for your protection and your preservation. 0:10:55.040 --> 0:10:58.640 Oh that's so powerful and it's so beautiful because if 0:10:58.640 --> 0:11:03.040 you don't know, you spend so much time keeping the 0:11:03.120 --> 0:11:06.360 real youth from coming into a world that you were 0:11:06.400 --> 0:11:08.720 supposed to dominate, not just be a part of. 0:11:09.320 --> 0:11:11.640 Damn a very good come on dominy. 0:11:11.640 --> 0:11:14.000 And you don't know what you can dominate if you're 0:11:14.000 --> 0:11:19.120 being dominated by constant thoughts of trying to pleagurize your life. 0:11:19.160 --> 0:11:22.400 I talk about identity foreclosure in the book where you 0:11:23.040 --> 0:11:25.920 have tried to be the next Michelle, You tried to 0:11:25.960 --> 0:11:28.680 be the next Beyonce, You tried to be the next Kelly, 0:11:29.200 --> 0:11:29.559 for the. 0:11:29.520 --> 0:11:32.360 Next doctor Joel. We want to holler like you, we 0:11:32.400 --> 0:11:33.840 want to teach like you. 0:11:34.040 --> 0:11:35.760 Whatever you want to call But at the end of 0:11:35.800 --> 0:11:40.679 the day, here's it's okay to set your eyes on 0:11:40.760 --> 0:11:44.440 them and to say I want to be like them. 0:11:44.640 --> 0:11:46.040 But at the end of the day, if you don't 0:11:46.120 --> 0:11:50.160 find out who you are, you will foreclosed on someone 0:11:50.600 --> 0:11:53.680 who has a lane that has carved out for themselves. 0:11:53.920 --> 0:11:57.040 If you're going to build destiny and other people that 0:11:57.120 --> 0:11:59.800 want to be exactly like you, and you've proposed on that. 0:11:59.840 --> 0:12:04.400 So you've got to find the fire to dig through 0:12:04.440 --> 0:12:07.640 everything traumaticness happened to you. That's the dirtiest part of 0:12:07.720 --> 0:12:12.559 finding yourself is digging through the trauma, and some of 0:12:12.600 --> 0:12:17.200 the trauma, if you're not careful, you'll forget that you 0:12:17.320 --> 0:12:20.880 actually went through certain things. 0:12:22.920 --> 0:12:26.000 Sorry about the loss of your father and your son, 0:12:26.559 --> 0:12:28.760 and we can still say sorry today even though it 0:12:28.800 --> 0:12:31.280 happened a couple of years ago. Because the pain it's 0:12:31.360 --> 0:12:34.680 still there. And you were saying you didn't know how 0:12:34.800 --> 0:12:38.400 much you forgot that you had a moment with your dad. 0:12:38.920 --> 0:12:42.600 God. I had so much animosity with my father that 0:12:43.679 --> 0:12:46.720 when I wrote the book and I was adding a 0:12:46.760 --> 0:12:51.120 piece into the book, I said, wait a minute, that 0:12:51.280 --> 0:12:55.319 hand that was on my back was my dad's and 0:12:55.360 --> 0:13:00.520 it snapped. I broken at and started crying that so 0:13:00.679 --> 0:13:04.400 much innermosky against him, about what I thought he should 0:13:04.400 --> 0:13:07.160 have done and all of that stuff. And while I'm 0:13:07.200 --> 0:13:10.720 writing the book and I'm talking about the trauma from 0:13:10.760 --> 0:13:21.160 my son, the one hand that touched my back, go ahead, 0:13:21.640 --> 0:13:23.760 do what you need to do. I'll never forget it. 0:13:24.000 --> 0:13:26.960 You need to do Yeah, And I screamed so. 0:13:27.160 --> 0:13:30.600 Loud outside and I went back inside together myself like 0:13:30.760 --> 0:13:33.400 U lichized my son, you. 0:13:33.320 --> 0:13:36.040 Were able to do it from my dad's books. 0:13:36.200 --> 0:13:36.720 Yeah. 0:13:36.760 --> 0:13:40.320 And it's amazing because the voice that we sometimes need 0:13:41.160 --> 0:13:46.440 is the voice of our father. And my heart is 0:13:46.520 --> 0:13:50.000 going out to people who don't have that, who are 0:13:50.040 --> 0:13:52.880 fighting to get that, especially when you have a father 0:13:52.960 --> 0:13:58.600 that's still alive. I'll say there were things that I 0:13:58.640 --> 0:14:04.200 held against my father, really because sometimes as a little girl, 0:14:05.920 --> 0:14:10.800 we have ideas of how we want Daddy to be 0:14:11.520 --> 0:14:13.760 and what we think he should be, but then not 0:14:13.880 --> 0:14:17.200 understand that there are dynamics between him and Mommy that 0:14:17.240 --> 0:14:19.640 we don't quite understand. And I didn't get it. I 0:14:19.640 --> 0:14:23.760 couldn't forgive until I started going to therapy. Not excusing 0:14:23.880 --> 0:14:27.640 a lot of things that happened, but understanding, Oh, they 0:14:27.720 --> 0:14:29.720 was going through their own stuff. It was hard for 0:14:29.840 --> 0:14:32.880 him to be who I needed him to be because 0:14:32.880 --> 0:14:34.800 he couldn't be who he needed to be as a 0:14:35.240 --> 0:14:39.200 husband and as a son. And it's I think everything 0:14:39.280 --> 0:14:42.080 is so layered because our parents have their own stuff 0:14:42.080 --> 0:14:43.080 from their parents. 0:14:43.320 --> 0:14:46.480 Yes, yes, And you know what, I'm glad that you 0:14:46.560 --> 0:14:49.520 broke it down like that because I tried to kind 0:14:49.520 --> 0:14:54.120 of walk through that. You do that as you start 0:14:54.320 --> 0:14:59.400 correcting things and you start going through what you've been 0:14:59.440 --> 0:15:02.360 through and you start realizing just what you said. This 0:15:02.480 --> 0:15:05.640 is connected to that, This is connected to this, This 0:15:05.720 --> 0:15:08.000 is connected to this. The reason why I can't show 0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:09.960 up here because I got to go there, And if 0:15:10.000 --> 0:15:11.600 I can't show up there, it's because I had to 0:15:11.600 --> 0:15:13.960 be here. And at the end of the day, everybody's 0:15:14.040 --> 0:15:17.440 mad because I'm not there at all places at the 0:15:17.480 --> 0:15:22.760 same time, and it takes years for a teenager to 0:15:22.920 --> 0:15:28.320 grow up and then get exactly what you said, understand understanding. 0:15:28.680 --> 0:15:34.120 But Michelle, I need to interrupt your business. It takes 0:15:34.200 --> 0:15:37.600 years to get the understanding, but there's still years of 0:15:37.720 --> 0:15:44.400 damage because nobody understands until And so my hope is 0:15:44.440 --> 0:15:47.760 that you can get this book on the front side 0:15:48.360 --> 0:15:54.080 and understand while you don't understand, because there's still your 0:15:54.080 --> 0:15:57.480 father still wounded in the process, Michelle, still wounded in 0:15:57.520 --> 0:16:00.200 the process, your mother is still wounded in the process us. 0:16:00.560 --> 0:16:03.840 But if we could some kind of way course correct 0:16:04.240 --> 0:16:10.440 and make correction cultural, make correction normal, then nobody's going 0:16:10.520 --> 0:16:13.640 to be so wounded when we don't understand. It becomes 0:16:13.640 --> 0:16:16.800 a part of a process of learning and we absolutely 0:16:17.040 --> 0:16:18.280 different way. I hope that makes. 0:16:18.080 --> 0:16:27.160 Sense, absolutely, And also getting trying to lay aside the thought, 0:16:27.480 --> 0:16:30.720 well it's too late. I'm in my thirties now, it's 0:16:30.760 --> 0:16:35.280 too late to correct it, or children not accepting that 0:16:35.400 --> 0:16:39.200 your parents are doing the work to correct damage that 0:16:39.240 --> 0:16:39.880 they've done. 0:16:40.040 --> 0:16:43.040 You know, I was in Dallas and I was angry 0:16:43.080 --> 0:16:49.080 with my father, and Bishop Jake's says to me, he says, 0:16:50.240 --> 0:16:54.720 you know, your dad was your age when you were young. 0:16:56.280 --> 0:17:01.080 Think about how you feel right now. Dang, I ain't 0:17:01.080 --> 0:17:04.919 think about it like that, he said, So give your 0:17:05.000 --> 0:17:08.120 dad some breaks. There's times for even worse back when 0:17:08.119 --> 0:17:12.960 your dad was your age. Now. Yeah, when you go 0:17:13.160 --> 0:17:16.560 talk to your father, go talk to him with sylympathy 0:17:17.560 --> 0:17:21.840 as a man understanding with me. You know it's and 0:17:21.960 --> 0:17:26.359 that really started shrinking the issues becuse I was like, man, 0:17:26.560 --> 0:17:29.960 I've got some of the same problems. 0:17:29.280 --> 0:17:34.480 Some of the same problems or things that you'll find 0:17:35.240 --> 0:17:37.120 upset about your mom, about your dad. 0:17:37.119 --> 0:17:39.880 And then I look in the mirror like you are 0:17:40.000 --> 0:17:41.240 Anita Williams too. 0:17:41.400 --> 0:17:46.359 To niet Michelle, you are Dennis Williams. My dad passed 0:17:46.359 --> 0:17:48.679 in twenty twenty and I literally found myself looking at 0:17:48.760 --> 0:17:51.719 pictures from of him the other day because I'm in 0:17:51.720 --> 0:17:54.520 the phase where I'm missing him. But I know why 0:17:54.560 --> 0:17:57.240 I'm missing him. His birthday is coming up, his passing 0:17:57.359 --> 0:18:01.240 is coming up, and so I'm choosing to smile. 0:18:01.040 --> 0:18:02.400 But yet but yet more. 0:18:02.600 --> 0:18:06.320 But I want to tell you, doctor Joel Tuttman, that 0:18:07.600 --> 0:18:13.720 so many people will identify with your story. But I'm 0:18:13.760 --> 0:18:17.200 glad you wrote this book because people are going to 0:18:17.240 --> 0:18:21.840 be able to identify with the healing as well. This book, y'all, 0:18:22.080 --> 0:18:26.840 this book is a guide. There are amazing prompts at 0:18:26.880 --> 0:18:31.080 the end of a book. And in one chapter I 0:18:31.280 --> 0:18:34.920 was like, I got to write this thing down where 0:18:34.960 --> 0:18:36.880 you were like, what is one of the most difficult 0:18:36.920 --> 0:18:38.160 things you're dealing with. 0:18:38.000 --> 0:18:42.359 In your fight? And you gave three three prompts of 0:18:42.400 --> 0:18:43.080 what it could be. 0:18:43.800 --> 0:18:47.000 And I was like, let me write, let me write 0:18:47.080 --> 0:18:50.679 this down. But healing can begin even y'all that are 0:18:50.720 --> 0:18:53.760 listening when you choose to even write something down that 0:18:53.800 --> 0:18:58.480 you're fighting with, not only write it, but begin to 0:18:58.640 --> 0:19:01.879 say it. Story that you even told about your father 0:19:01.960 --> 0:19:07.000 in the fight to find yourself, that's a movie when 0:19:07.080 --> 0:19:10.000 you were in the hospital and you were praying the 0:19:10.040 --> 0:19:15.480 Sentaer's prayer. Yeah, yeah, So I think sometimes my question 0:19:16.200 --> 0:19:19.160 do you think sometimes the fight within ourselves as far 0:19:19.200 --> 0:19:24.760 as identity is concerned. Do you think do you find 0:19:24.800 --> 0:19:27.560 that with the people you've mentored and coached and pastored 0:19:27.640 --> 0:19:31.240 through the years, the ones of us who have dealt 0:19:31.240 --> 0:19:35.280 with identity in who we are, does it always come 0:19:35.320 --> 0:19:39.080 from broken homes or those who are fatherless. 0:19:39.760 --> 0:19:43.399 I'm not gonna say that it always comes from. 0:19:43.840 --> 0:19:47.040 Issues okay, yes, sir, Well, I don't think that's the 0:19:47.920 --> 0:19:48.679 thank you for saying that. 0:19:48.680 --> 0:19:50.520 By the way, issues that's great. 0:19:50.320 --> 0:19:54.879 And some issues. Sometimes it's just a lack of information, 0:19:55.280 --> 0:19:58.400 I will say, lack lack of information, lack of love, 0:19:59.240 --> 0:20:05.840 a lack of opportunity. I think with my father it 0:20:05.960 --> 0:20:09.320 was a lack now that I understood, it was a 0:20:09.440 --> 0:20:12.119 lack of time, a lack of opportunity because he and 0:20:12.200 --> 0:20:15.199 my mother got a divorce. He didn't divorce us, He 0:20:15.280 --> 0:20:20.199 divorced my mother and when he left Mount Pleasant he 0:20:20.359 --> 0:20:23.679 moved to Texas, Canada, Texas, which was an hour and 0:20:23.680 --> 0:20:27.320 a half away. As a kid, your mine is he's 0:20:27.359 --> 0:20:30.320 just an hour and a half away. Oh man. He 0:20:30.400 --> 0:20:33.600 has a job, he has a church, he has to 0:20:33.640 --> 0:20:36.720 go to sleep, he has to still be his spouse, 0:20:37.200 --> 0:20:40.840 he has to still have responsibilities in his career. There's 0:20:40.880 --> 0:20:44.760 only so many hours of day. And he did get 0:20:44.800 --> 0:20:46.880 the opportunity to see us. So there was a lack 0:20:46.920 --> 0:20:51.360 of time, a lack of so I think that it's 0:20:51.440 --> 0:20:57.880 more so a lack of something, not necessarily brokenness. Now 0:20:58.440 --> 0:21:02.720 can a lack of something create eight brokenis absolutely okay, 0:21:02.760 --> 0:21:06.919 but not necessarily okay. He doesn't you don't have to 0:21:07.000 --> 0:21:11.800 necessarily be broken to not know who you are. You 0:21:12.040 --> 0:21:14.760 just don't have the opportunity, nor do you have the 0:21:14.840 --> 0:21:20.280 guide the people to help inform you. This is why. 0:21:20.440 --> 0:21:22.960 And I know I take a long time to answer 0:21:22.960 --> 0:21:23.320 the questions. 0:21:23.320 --> 0:21:24.840 I'm sorry, No, it's great, it's great. 0:21:25.840 --> 0:21:26.200 I don't know. 0:21:26.440 --> 0:21:28.879 I guess long. But when you want to tarry a 0:21:28.880 --> 0:21:29.960 little longer, you can. 0:21:30.200 --> 0:21:33.520 I don't want to tarry. That's why I opened the 0:21:33.600 --> 0:21:38.440 chapter of the book this way. Jesus is coming into 0:21:38.440 --> 0:21:43.000 the Jordan River to be baptized. John the Baptist points 0:21:43.000 --> 0:21:47.680 and none said, that's the one, all right. It comes 0:21:47.680 --> 0:21:50.159 to take a breast sense of the world. He baptize 0:21:50.240 --> 0:21:53.240 is Jesus a John's voices, and we hears first Jesus 0:21:53.240 --> 0:21:54.879 goes down in the water, he comes up out of 0:21:54.880 --> 0:22:00.119 the water, and then his father's voice speaks, behold, this 0:22:00.200 --> 0:22:05.080 is my beloved son. And wells the whole primises of 0:22:05.119 --> 0:22:08.359 the If you don't have a natural father, if you 0:22:08.400 --> 0:22:13.159 don't have a guard, you have a God that loves 0:22:13.200 --> 0:22:17.159 you where you are, and you have to embrace that. 0:22:17.240 --> 0:22:20.440 You are the beloved of God. And it has taken 0:22:20.480 --> 0:22:23.280 me all those years, even though I've preached in his name, 0:22:23.720 --> 0:22:27.360 I've sang in his name, I have laid on hands 0:22:27.359 --> 0:22:31.000 with his name, I have sung prophetic songs in his name. 0:22:31.800 --> 0:22:33.960 All of that stuff that I've been able to do 0:22:34.119 --> 0:22:37.600 as the annoying comes upon you. But the one thing 0:22:37.720 --> 0:22:40.760 I didn't open myself up to with the annoying was 0:22:40.800 --> 0:22:47.440 that he loved me trouble, without preaching, without playing football, 0:22:47.880 --> 0:22:52.080 without being a husband, without being a father, without having together, 0:22:52.520 --> 0:22:56.680 he loves be. And once I came to the conclusion, 0:22:56.840 --> 0:22:59.840 and it's taken my into my life to realize that 0:22:59.880 --> 0:23:03.879 he he loves me to me, who is the blackest 0:23:04.040 --> 0:23:10.120 black sheep of my family, because I made so many 0:23:10.160 --> 0:23:13.680 mistakes that I've spent all those years pursued trying to 0:23:13.680 --> 0:23:15.840 get in those circles so that everybody would see me 0:23:15.880 --> 0:23:19.720 a different way. I realized he loved that meat. The 0:23:20.920 --> 0:23:27.040 broken disgusted me. And that's where the door begins. When 0:23:27.040 --> 0:23:30.159 you can realize that he loves you at your lowest, 0:23:30.880 --> 0:23:34.560 because Jordan was at the lowest and amount the Mount 0:23:34.640 --> 0:23:37.600 Transfiguration was the highest. He says it again, this is 0:23:37.600 --> 0:23:42.800 my beloved son. Yes, yes, So once you realize that 0:23:42.880 --> 0:23:45.239 he loves you, at your lowest, he loves you at 0:23:45.280 --> 0:23:49.320 your highest everything in between, he's with you. I mean, 0:23:49.400 --> 0:23:52.160 he's got and you don't have to be afraid to be. 0:23:57.080 --> 0:24:04.600 Again. It's in your book about excepting, accepting, accepting what 0:24:04.640 --> 0:24:08.120 you're saying, and accepting who you are with. 0:24:08.119 --> 0:24:11.360 All the flaws. We like ourselves when we're done. 0:24:11.240 --> 0:24:16.359 Up, hair is done, braids groomed. You know, women, we 0:24:16.480 --> 0:24:20.280 like our our nails are done. But can you like yourself? Ladies, 0:24:20.320 --> 0:24:22.120 when you when you don't win about two to three 0:24:22.119 --> 0:24:27.360 weeks and you don't have that feel, can you accept 0:24:27.760 --> 0:24:32.040 I'm still dope even when I need a fill. 0:24:33.320 --> 0:24:34.919 Okay without it? 0:24:35.040 --> 0:24:41.280 Come on, I'm still dope without extensions. Please people, you 0:24:41.320 --> 0:24:44.479 know you you are worth fighting for. I was I 0:24:44.520 --> 0:24:46.800 was thinking of something this morning and then I wrote down. 0:24:46.840 --> 0:24:51.040 I said, why is it a fight though to find ourselves? 0:24:51.040 --> 0:24:53.119 You do answer it in a book, but I'm like, 0:24:53.200 --> 0:24:57.640 it's easier to find AirPods. You have a freaking app 0:24:58.040 --> 0:25:02.000 on your phone to help you find find items. But 0:25:02.040 --> 0:25:04.360 then I was like, well, we do have the Bible 0:25:06.000 --> 0:25:08.200