1 00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:05,160 Speaker 1: I am Yamla, your host for this journey. I was 2 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:09,560 Speaker 1: a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my 3 00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:14,120 Speaker 1: love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and 4 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:19,000 Speaker 1: deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is 5 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:22,480 Speaker 1: and what it is not. I want to share some 6 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:27,639 Speaker 1: of what I've learned about love a holism. Welcome to 7 00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:42,880 Speaker 1: the Rspot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. 8 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:48,360 Speaker 1: You know, sometimes we have a mess in our life, 9 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:51,320 Speaker 1: and we make it more difficult than it needs to be. 10 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:55,200 Speaker 1: We look everywhere, we're trying to find a solution, and 11 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:58,880 Speaker 1: in the worst case scenario, we get busy trying to 12 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,639 Speaker 1: fix the pieces of the mess that we think are 13 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:05,760 Speaker 1: most important. I have a simple solution for a mess 14 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:08,280 Speaker 1: that I'm going to tell you about later. It's called 15 00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:12,800 Speaker 1: a two am walk. But in the meantime, the question 16 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:15,000 Speaker 1: I want us to look at is how do you 17 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:20,880 Speaker 1: fix a mess? How do you fix a mess? Because 18 00:01:20,959 --> 00:01:26,080 Speaker 1: sometimes we find ourselves in a mess, a mess of 19 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:30,399 Speaker 1: our own, making a mess that we have difficulty owning, 20 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:34,200 Speaker 1: a mess that we have difficulty looking at. We make 21 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:37,880 Speaker 1: ourselves busy dealing with this piece or that piece, when 22 00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:40,840 Speaker 1: the truth is we are a mess. And if you're 23 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:43,440 Speaker 1: a mess, you will not be able to clean up 24 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:47,680 Speaker 1: a mess. Because when there's a mess in your life, 25 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:50,720 Speaker 1: when there's a mess in your relationship, when there's a 26 00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:53,560 Speaker 1: mess in your mind, when there's a mess in your heart, 27 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:58,000 Speaker 1: you got to prioritize. I'm going to talk to my 28 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:07,680 Speaker 1: guests about that today, how to prioritize your mess. Welcome beloved, 29 00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:10,680 Speaker 1: Thank you for your time today. Thank you for calling 30 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:14,600 Speaker 1: the R Spot. Now what is your relationship issue, challenge, 31 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:17,480 Speaker 1: dilemma that we're going to chew on together. 32 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:24,200 Speaker 2: Today, Hiyama, thank you for taking my call. My dilemma, 33 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,480 Speaker 2: or I would say challenge, would be my anxiety of 34 00:02:27,919 --> 00:02:34,760 Speaker 2: my life at the moment. Tell me more absolutely, about 35 00:02:34,919 --> 00:02:41,239 Speaker 2: three years ago, when you did your first round of courses, 36 00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:47,640 Speaker 2: I joined and I removed myself because I thought myself 37 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:53,240 Speaker 2: in a dream job opportunity. I quit my job, I 38 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:56,480 Speaker 2: joined your class. I worked on my chakras, and I 39 00:02:56,480 --> 00:03:00,680 Speaker 2: got a call from a really good agency in Chicago, 40 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:04,640 Speaker 2: a government agency, and I took the job. You know, 41 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:08,640 Speaker 2: I was pregnant and I was happy, and I took 42 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,520 Speaker 2: on a lot of I gues first and my child, 43 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:15,080 Speaker 2: I was in school, working on my parent legal certificate 44 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:19,800 Speaker 2: in my degree, and in the middle of that, my 45 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:23,000 Speaker 2: marriage seemed to had had a challenge where we were 46 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:28,360 Speaker 2: financially challenged. Essentially, I'm adding more to my plate. And 47 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:33,520 Speaker 2: fast forward to last year. I found myself a really 48 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:41,160 Speaker 2: great second job at a college and it paid well 49 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:46,160 Speaker 2: and helping to subside the income that my husband was 50 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:50,000 Speaker 2: not able to provide anymore. And that position got pretty 51 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:53,920 Speaker 2: stressful for me, and I had been in situations where 52 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:58,040 Speaker 2: I had to pick my primary job over my secondary, 53 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:04,800 Speaker 2: and so I had to quit. I noticed that my daughter, 54 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:09,240 Speaker 2: who I put first in most of anything that I did, 55 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:13,680 Speaker 2: you know, it took a back seat, and my wifely 56 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:18,479 Speaker 2: duties seem to have slid. And here I am in 57 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:22,560 Speaker 2: a place where I'm having these anxieties of my life 58 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,960 Speaker 2: to say, I don't know how to continue to hold 59 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:30,200 Speaker 2: on to what I still have or how to keep 60 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:35,520 Speaker 2: pushing through these things, even with the small other things 61 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:40,560 Speaker 2: like family, friends and relationships that comes behind. But my 62 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:44,440 Speaker 2: primary focus is my main dish, my aunt Tree. 63 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:50,560 Speaker 1: I am so glad that you mentioned food, because everything 64 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:55,040 Speaker 1: you told me is just like a soup. I got carrots, potatoes, 65 00:04:55,240 --> 00:05:01,600 Speaker 1: neck bones, I have no clue on what the issue 66 00:05:01,839 --> 00:05:04,800 Speaker 1: is because you've told me a lot. You've told me 67 00:05:04,839 --> 00:05:07,279 Speaker 1: about two jobs. You told me about a dream job, 68 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:09,520 Speaker 1: told me about a second job. You told me about 69 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,640 Speaker 1: adding to the plate. You told me a husband not 70 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:15,039 Speaker 1: able to provide. You told me something about a primary job. 71 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:20,520 Speaker 1: So I can imagine you're confused, because I'm totally confused. 72 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:25,520 Speaker 1: So let's see how we can deconstruct this. Okay, ma'am. 73 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:30,080 Speaker 1: In ten words or less, if you had to state 74 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:34,799 Speaker 1: what your greatest challenge is today, what would you say? 75 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:37,680 Speaker 1: My greatest challenge is one. 76 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:41,200 Speaker 2: My greatest challenge today is being there for me. 77 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:47,920 Speaker 1: Being there for me. Tell me what that means? 78 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:53,400 Speaker 2: Well, I do apologize. I get some journalists so I 79 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,520 Speaker 2: can articulate a little better. 80 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:58,719 Speaker 1: But no worries, no worries. 81 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:03,440 Speaker 2: To best describe it. After all work and no play. 82 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:07,160 Speaker 2: Since I found out that I've been pregnant in twenty 83 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:12,359 Speaker 2: and twenty, there hasn't been any extra money for me 84 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:16,880 Speaker 2: to take care of myself as a woman, all of 85 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:20,400 Speaker 2: my sons. My entire paycheck, as soon as it hits 86 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:23,440 Speaker 2: my direct deposit, its either going towards rent bills or 87 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:26,280 Speaker 2: something my daughter needs. Or something that the car needs 88 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:32,760 Speaker 2: or something that I have to supply for, and I 89 00:06:32,839 --> 00:06:36,040 Speaker 2: have once, I have things I want to do. I 90 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:39,000 Speaker 2: do want to progress in my legal career, but I 91 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:42,520 Speaker 2: also have these aspiring dreams that I want to do 92 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:45,839 Speaker 2: as well, you know, like start a business, but there 93 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:50,440 Speaker 2: is no time for me, and the anxiety of how 94 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:53,920 Speaker 2: do I continue to maintain it without breaking myself down 95 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:58,440 Speaker 2: or falling into the pattern or habits that I've seen 96 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:01,280 Speaker 2: around me. I don't know how to continue to maintain 97 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:06,400 Speaker 2: my strength during this season from me. And I read 98 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:10,280 Speaker 2: your book about being in the valley, and I did 99 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:14,960 Speaker 2: some basement digging. I did, and I found those skeletons, 100 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:16,760 Speaker 2: and I thought that, okay, I can work my way 101 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:19,360 Speaker 2: up to the first floor and do some more cleaning 102 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:22,480 Speaker 2: and clearing. But I'm realizing I never purchased any of 103 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:26,480 Speaker 2: these furnitures for myself, and. 104 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:34,080 Speaker 1: Okay, so if I could take all that you just 105 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:40,400 Speaker 1: said that youth are carrying all the weight. Does that 106 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:44,320 Speaker 1: make sense, yes, ma'am. Would that be accurate? 107 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,200 Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am. 108 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:50,880 Speaker 1: So are you still married at the moment. 109 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:55,720 Speaker 2: Yes. Earlier on the first I asked my husband for 110 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:59,240 Speaker 2: a divorce, and on the fifth, I found out that 111 00:07:59,320 --> 00:07:59,960 Speaker 2: I was pregnant. 112 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:08,960 Speaker 1: So you're pregnant now eight weeks, ma'am, okay, and you're 113 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:12,680 Speaker 1: carrying all the weight. I heard you say earlier that 114 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:18,240 Speaker 1: your husband is not able to provide. Is that still accurate. 115 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:23,080 Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am. Not to make the excuse for him. He 116 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:26,880 Speaker 2: is able. He's an educated man. He's working on his 117 00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:31,880 Speaker 2: doctorate's degree. It's just he's going through his season. However, 118 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,400 Speaker 2: his season, I didn't expect it to last for this long, 119 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:39,400 Speaker 2: which would roughly be about four or five years now, 120 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:46,560 Speaker 2: and I see the effort. I can be very selfish 121 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:50,120 Speaker 2: and say that it's not enough, but the effort is 122 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:51,720 Speaker 2: there nonetheless. 123 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:55,600 Speaker 1: So for the past four or five years, you've been 124 00:08:55,679 --> 00:08:59,920 Speaker 1: carrying all the weight. Is that what I'm hearing you say? Yes, 125 00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:08,120 Speaker 1: smiam okay. And now you're tired, yes, ma'am. So this 126 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:12,680 Speaker 1: is a conversation. If you're partnered or married, you know 127 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,160 Speaker 1: this is a conversation you need to have with your 128 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:21,880 Speaker 1: partner with some real, clear and specific requests. I hear 129 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:25,080 Speaker 1: you say that you want time for me, but all 130 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:28,880 Speaker 1: of this has been for you. For you. You have felt 131 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:32,319 Speaker 1: responsible to take care of your family provide for your daughter, 132 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:35,440 Speaker 1: make sure those things are taken care of. All of 133 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:38,599 Speaker 1: that is for you if you're talking about individual me 134 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,199 Speaker 1: time where you can go to the spa or have 135 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:45,720 Speaker 1: a vacation or whatever. In terms of your education and 136 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:48,600 Speaker 1: your career and those things, those things just need to 137 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:53,040 Speaker 1: be prioritized. But what I'm hearing under all of this 138 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:56,160 Speaker 1: is that you're in a marriage. And if sounds like 139 00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:59,720 Speaker 1: maybe I'm wrong, I'm always willing to be wrong. That 140 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:04,160 Speaker 1: you're discontent being in a marriage where you're carrying all 141 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:07,840 Speaker 1: the weight and your partner isn't contributing, and now you're 142 00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:12,840 Speaker 1: exhausted and pregnant. So some of the marriage things have 143 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:16,080 Speaker 1: been going on, but other things that need to be 144 00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:20,160 Speaker 1: in the marriage aren't going on. Am I getting this right? 145 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,160 Speaker 2: That's very correct. 146 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,720 Speaker 1: So what is the conversation you're having with your husband 147 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,760 Speaker 1: about I get you going for your PhD, but this 148 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:33,920 Speaker 1: is not working, it's not working. What is that conversation? 149 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:39,640 Speaker 2: Well, I try a gentle approach, whereas you know, I 150 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:44,120 Speaker 2: would suggest hey, look at this job, or he tries 151 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:47,520 Speaker 2: to work his business, so I'll suggest, hey, maybe go 152 00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:50,600 Speaker 2: out to these mixers and try to make connections here 153 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:56,240 Speaker 2: or do this, and I get pushed back sometimes and 154 00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:03,040 Speaker 2: sometimes he tries to do these things. But I would say, 155 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:07,040 Speaker 2: if I could, I have a different kind of hustle 156 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:14,200 Speaker 2: to him, you know, and he's just not He doesn't 157 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:18,040 Speaker 2: have that same drive that I would put into it 158 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:21,320 Speaker 2: if I was in his position, or I feel that 159 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:21,880 Speaker 2: I would have. 160 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,319 Speaker 1: Does your husband wear glasses? 161 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:28,000 Speaker 2: Yes, yes, ma'am oh. 162 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:32,800 Speaker 1: Because it's clear to me that he can't see. That's 163 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:37,400 Speaker 1: very clear. Okay, he cannot see that you are working yourself, 164 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:41,520 Speaker 1: you know, to death here, and you know he's looking 165 00:11:41,559 --> 00:11:44,040 Speaker 1: in any other direction. So let's take a whole nother 166 00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:49,559 Speaker 1: approach here. What do you want? What do you want? 167 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:57,080 Speaker 2: I want to now that I have some sort of 168 00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:00,320 Speaker 2: financial stability in my life in a career that I 169 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:02,960 Speaker 2: want to work on. I want to work on my 170 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:07,800 Speaker 2: gos in my dreams now. I want to work on 171 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:13,360 Speaker 2: me mentally. I want to grow my spiritual self. I 172 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:17,280 Speaker 2: want to get back to doing your class the left off, 173 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:21,440 Speaker 2: you know. And it's quite hard when I literally have 174 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:25,559 Speaker 2: every single day or any minute planned out, or if 175 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,760 Speaker 2: I'm not at work, then I'm doing some sort of 176 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:32,560 Speaker 2: ubring to help suicide income, or i have to come 177 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:35,559 Speaker 2: home and try to figure out food or if I'm 178 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:39,520 Speaker 2: getting food or cooking food, or you know, or don't 179 00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,840 Speaker 2: have time to clean, so I have to hire help 180 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,960 Speaker 2: to clean or ask you know, my husband to try 181 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,959 Speaker 2: to help clean, and that doesn't get done. I still 182 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:52,000 Speaker 2: have to do it myself and thy guide that's on it. 183 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,800 Speaker 1: I have a solution for you, and you are probably 184 00:12:57,040 --> 00:13:03,040 Speaker 1: not going to like it. Yes, okay, we'll do it 185 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:11,120 Speaker 1: right after this break. Welcome back to the R spot. 186 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:15,880 Speaker 1: Here's where I'm stuck because you're carrying all the weight 187 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,880 Speaker 1: you're talking about, you know, the lack of support by you, 188 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:23,400 Speaker 1: by your partner. Because I'm not going to say a husband, 189 00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:27,160 Speaker 1: that's not a husband, because a husband's job is to provide. 190 00:13:27,679 --> 00:13:31,640 Speaker 1: So if he's not providing, he's not protecting, he's not 191 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:35,160 Speaker 1: taking care of you. He's a partner, maybe not an 192 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:38,720 Speaker 1: equal partner, clearly, but he's not a husband. So you're 193 00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:42,520 Speaker 1: really a single woman. You need to be clear about that. 194 00:13:43,559 --> 00:13:46,360 Speaker 1: You have somebody else using your toilet paper and you 195 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:49,200 Speaker 1: have to set another plate at the table, but you're 196 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:52,120 Speaker 1: you're you're not in a marriage. I don't I don't 197 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:54,400 Speaker 1: know what that is. And you haven't asked me about it, 198 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:57,400 Speaker 1: so I'll leave that alone. But I hear you saying 199 00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,040 Speaker 1: you want to take care of me, and then I 200 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:04,920 Speaker 1: hear you say you're a weeks pregnant, so that's an impossibility. 201 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:08,600 Speaker 1: Belove it. You getting ready to have a newborn. And 202 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,000 Speaker 1: how old is your other child. 203 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,199 Speaker 2: It's going on two in April. 204 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,440 Speaker 1: Two, so you've got a two year old. And anybody 205 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:20,280 Speaker 1: who's had children know that from two to five you 206 00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,240 Speaker 1: just do the best you can to keep your hair 207 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:27,320 Speaker 1: from falling out because that's, oh my goodness, that's a lot, okay, 208 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:30,760 Speaker 1: And if you work, I'm sure you need child care, 209 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:35,320 Speaker 1: so that has to be handled. And then now you're 210 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:38,960 Speaker 1: getting ready to have another baby, So even your care 211 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:43,520 Speaker 1: and concern for yourself, your physical health, your mental health, 212 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:48,200 Speaker 1: your emotional health has to be focused on you providing 213 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:52,720 Speaker 1: the best host environment for this life growing inside of you. 214 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:58,400 Speaker 1: But then once that life gets here, the next five 215 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:03,080 Speaker 1: years are going to be fun focused on you, structuring, nurturing, nourishing, 216 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:08,000 Speaker 1: growing up that life. So metime, you know, other than 217 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:10,280 Speaker 1: a few hours or a few days, or if you 218 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:15,320 Speaker 1: can get somebody to babysits, that's not gonna happen right now. 219 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:19,520 Speaker 1: So you wanting it, needing it, desiring it, I understand, 220 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:24,480 Speaker 1: But we got to prioritize this, and I'm encouraging you 221 00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:29,000 Speaker 1: to prioritize it as though you were a single woman. Yes, le'am, 222 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:33,440 Speaker 1: you know some choices need to be made here now. See, 223 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:38,800 Speaker 1: I'm old school. I'm old school, and I'm hardcore, and 224 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:43,160 Speaker 1: I'm from Brooklyn. If I had somebody sitting in my 225 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:48,760 Speaker 1: house who was not contributing when they put their legs 226 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:51,520 Speaker 1: under my table, the plate would be empty. But that's 227 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:56,200 Speaker 1: just me. That's just me. And you may not want 228 00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:59,600 Speaker 1: to create that kind of upheaval in your home because 229 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:03,280 Speaker 1: you are carrying a life. That is your first priority 230 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:11,040 Speaker 1: to keep your mind, your heart, your body as finely 231 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:15,120 Speaker 1: tuned as possible so that that life that you are 232 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:19,840 Speaker 1: hosting will get here because you're feeding that baby and 233 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:28,520 Speaker 1: right now it sounds like you're feeding stress and unhappiness, anxiety. 234 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:33,200 Speaker 1: The baby is receiving all of that. Does that make 235 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:33,920 Speaker 1: sense to you? 236 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,360 Speaker 2: You're one hundred percent correct, and I know this as 237 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:39,360 Speaker 2: an issue, and this is why I'm coming to you 238 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,840 Speaker 2: because I need help on how to change this around. 239 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:47,040 Speaker 2: And I'm aware of what you said about my marriage. 240 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:50,480 Speaker 2: I am very aware it's just right now. I have 241 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,920 Speaker 2: to put that on a bag of burner because I 242 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:57,920 Speaker 2: know that what's inside of me and my mental my 243 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:02,120 Speaker 2: ability to continue forward is more important right now. 244 00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:08,520 Speaker 1: So do you have a support team? Mom's sister, girlfriend? 245 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,320 Speaker 1: How What does your support team look like? 246 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:19,440 Speaker 2: My mom and I are pretty estranged and I'm working 247 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:23,720 Speaker 2: on dating her when she's ready. 248 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:27,040 Speaker 1: When she's ready, Okay, so put that out. We don't 249 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,720 Speaker 1: have mom? What who else is on your support team? 250 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:33,760 Speaker 2: My father is there. I have an adult relationship with him, 251 00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:38,960 Speaker 2: but he's he's going through his own struggles as well. 252 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:44,760 Speaker 2: I'm pretty much I don't share a lot of things, 253 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:47,239 Speaker 2: and that may be an issue too. I have an 254 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:49,720 Speaker 2: aunt that I tend to talk to a lot, and 255 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:54,119 Speaker 2: she's very on board with, you know, me making the 256 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:59,680 Speaker 2: transition into you know, moving on and things like that. 257 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:03,800 Speaker 2: But you know, I tend to not let her in 258 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:08,200 Speaker 2: too much, just because she can be quite opinionated. 259 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:12,440 Speaker 1: So you've told me everybody you don't have for support, 260 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:15,160 Speaker 1: So I'm assuming you don't have the support team because 261 00:18:15,359 --> 00:18:17,800 Speaker 1: not mommy is not daddy, and you're not letting Auntie 262 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:20,960 Speaker 1: in and husband is trying to get a PhD. Okay, 263 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:22,679 Speaker 1: So when you go to work, what do you do 264 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:23,480 Speaker 1: for childcare? 265 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,960 Speaker 2: Well, I work in alternative schedules, so I'm usually at 266 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:31,680 Speaker 2: work between at night and eight am, which is pretty good, okay, 267 00:18:34,119 --> 00:18:34,480 Speaker 2: all right? 268 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:36,200 Speaker 1: And what do you do in the daytime? 269 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:41,120 Speaker 2: Well, once I get off work, I'm either still working 270 00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:45,440 Speaker 2: trying to figure out how to uber or taking care 271 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:47,720 Speaker 2: of my daughter and spending that little time with her, 272 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:55,280 Speaker 2: or trying to get my house straightened together. You know. 273 00:18:57,520 --> 00:19:01,840 Speaker 1: So what I can offer you now is because it 274 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:05,159 Speaker 1: seems to me I could be wrong that you have 275 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:09,880 Speaker 1: really dug yourself into a hole here. So we've got 276 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:15,040 Speaker 1: to look at some simple steps that you can climb out. 277 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:18,320 Speaker 1: And the way we're going to do that, the way 278 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,920 Speaker 1: I can offer you to do that is you've got 279 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:29,880 Speaker 1: to prioritize. So when you say me that you want 280 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:34,080 Speaker 1: to be there for you, the simple things that you 281 00:19:34,119 --> 00:19:41,320 Speaker 1: can do because you are expecting is your diet, your rest, 282 00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:52,840 Speaker 1: and your exercise, diet red exercise, and your spiritual foundation, 283 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:58,440 Speaker 1: your spiritual work, your spiritual practice. Those are the things 284 00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:03,040 Speaker 1: that you can do right now in the environment that 285 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:06,000 Speaker 1: you're in, in the situation that you're in. We can't 286 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,320 Speaker 1: talk long term right now to getting a law degree, 287 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:13,600 Speaker 1: and we can't talk about that. We've got to deal 288 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:19,960 Speaker 1: with what's first on the table. So how do you 289 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:28,120 Speaker 1: deepen or expand your spiritual practice? How do you engage 290 00:20:28,359 --> 00:20:33,760 Speaker 1: or make some consistent steps toward exercise? How do you 291 00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:39,879 Speaker 1: increase enhance your diet, and how do you ensure that 292 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:44,560 Speaker 1: you're getting good rest because that's for you, but it's 293 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:48,880 Speaker 1: also for the baby. That's how you can be there 294 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:52,840 Speaker 1: for you right now. I want to say this to you, 295 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:58,040 Speaker 1: and I know it's going to sound crazy, but if 296 00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:02,199 Speaker 1: money is your only problem, then you really don't have 297 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:05,680 Speaker 1: a problem. Money is not going to solve your problem. 298 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:10,640 Speaker 1: You're thinking and the condition of your heart it's what's 299 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:14,480 Speaker 1: going to solve your problem. So on that list of 300 00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:19,920 Speaker 1: priorities with spiritual practice, diet, rest, and exercise, we got 301 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:29,439 Speaker 1: to put some happy. You have to prioritize happy because 302 00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:34,200 Speaker 1: happy thoughts will give you more energy. Happy thoughts will 303 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:37,600 Speaker 1: lift you up. And little happy. I'm not talking about 304 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:43,119 Speaker 1: big happy, little happy. So if it's a gratitude journal, 305 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:47,720 Speaker 1: if it's watching a television show that makes you happy, 306 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,480 Speaker 1: I don't know you got to find some happy because 307 00:21:51,119 --> 00:21:55,600 Speaker 1: the stress of worrying about money is sucking your energy. 308 00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,239 Speaker 1: Tell me what you hear me saying, Tell me what 309 00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:01,120 Speaker 1: you hear me. It doesn't matter what words you use. 310 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:03,719 Speaker 1: I just want to know what you are hearing. 311 00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:08,920 Speaker 2: Absolutely, I'm hearing that you're telling me that in order 312 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,840 Speaker 2: to be there for me, I need to prioritize how 313 00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:16,240 Speaker 2: I'm doing things in my life, including my diet, my rest, 314 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:24,320 Speaker 2: my exercise, my spiritual practices, and and build on little 315 00:22:24,359 --> 00:22:28,720 Speaker 2: moments of happiness and start a gratitude journal. 316 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:33,800 Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, okay, you know. And it's hard to be 317 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:39,919 Speaker 1: happy when you've got you know, somebody you're looking at 318 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:46,399 Speaker 1: who's watching you self combust and they're not helping. I 319 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:52,800 Speaker 1: don't understand. And I hear you say you want financial stability, 320 00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:55,680 Speaker 1: but you can't get that with a stressed out mind 321 00:22:56,600 --> 00:23:00,040 Speaker 1: and an upset heart. You just can't can. 322 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:03,119 Speaker 2: And not can I add that I think that this 323 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:11,000 Speaker 2: and this is just me rediscovering this from my childhood. 324 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:17,200 Speaker 2: I would when I lived with my mom, I would 325 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:21,480 Speaker 2: find a lot of issues that would be financial issues, 326 00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:24,240 Speaker 2: which is whether if I got evicted from my home 327 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,680 Speaker 2: or the lights would be off and things like that, 328 00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:31,119 Speaker 2: and I think that experiencing those things as a child 329 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:38,000 Speaker 2: creating my adultthood anxiety for those things. So absolutely so, 330 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,400 Speaker 2: I think when you said that if money is my problem, 331 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:45,000 Speaker 2: that's not the issue. I think the issue is my 332 00:23:45,119 --> 00:23:49,960 Speaker 2: situation is creating me. The anxiety that I'm feeling, I 333 00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:56,199 Speaker 2: probably is retraumatizing myself in a way trying to prevent that. 334 00:23:57,040 --> 00:24:01,800 Speaker 1: Well, the trauma is driving you, not that you're retraumatizing. 335 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:06,920 Speaker 1: You never neutralize the trauma. Instability in the childhood creates trauma. 336 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:10,679 Speaker 1: Neglect in the childhood creates trauma. And so if that 337 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:15,080 Speaker 1: trauma is alive and active, anytime anything looks like, sounds like, 338 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:18,720 Speaker 1: smells like what created the trauma, it just rises to 339 00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:23,359 Speaker 1: the surface and takes over. So you expect to struggle, 340 00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:27,280 Speaker 1: even though you're doing everything not to struggle. You expect 341 00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:36,840 Speaker 1: to struggle because that's what you know. Does that make sense, yes, ma'am. Yeah, 342 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:42,040 Speaker 1: all right, let's talk about these priorities. And it didn't. 343 00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:46,679 Speaker 1: It has not passed me that you said you asked 344 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:50,880 Speaker 1: your husband for divorce and then found out you were pregnant. 345 00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:57,520 Speaker 1: So I guess you stopped the divorce because you're pregnant, Yes, ma'am. 346 00:24:57,800 --> 00:24:58,720 Speaker 1: Was that your reasoning? 347 00:24:59,359 --> 00:25:06,600 Speaker 2: It was reasoning now unpacked just slightly. You know, I've 348 00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:10,440 Speaker 2: he's done some things that made me check out the marriages, 349 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:16,320 Speaker 2: so I've I've raised war on that on those actions 350 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:18,800 Speaker 2: that he did. So all of the hot meals that 351 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:24,359 Speaker 2: I used to cook, I was true my food, my 352 00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:26,360 Speaker 2: my intimacy, I was true from him. 353 00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:34,600 Speaker 3: And you know, how did you get pregnant? I can 354 00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:37,800 Speaker 3: get pregnant Withdrew, I can tell you. 355 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:41,520 Speaker 2: You know, it's you know, it's you know, make up sex, 356 00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,960 Speaker 2: I guess. And I was a little reckless with that 357 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:52,280 Speaker 2: with my ovulation cycle and what I didn't share. Me 358 00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:55,960 Speaker 2: and my husband. We had a split for two years 359 00:25:55,960 --> 00:26:02,720 Speaker 2: before I had my first daughter. And once once we 360 00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:06,320 Speaker 2: celebrate our anniversary and we were considering moving back together. 361 00:26:07,119 --> 00:26:10,000 Speaker 2: You know, I found out that I was pregnant from 362 00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:16,359 Speaker 2: you know, celebrating our anniversary. Yeah, and that was pretty 363 00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:22,560 Speaker 2: much how we ended up getting back together from that, 364 00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:32,280 Speaker 2: and you know, and yeah, I know it's a lot. 365 00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:35,159 Speaker 1: I find it interesting that you say you want to 366 00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:37,480 Speaker 1: be there for me, and then as a woman, one 367 00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:40,920 Speaker 1: of the things you don't do is protect yourself. Yeah, 368 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:47,800 Speaker 1: because engaging in activities that add an additional responsibility to 369 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:53,240 Speaker 1: your life without protecting yourself. That's that's not very self supportive. 370 00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:56,760 Speaker 1: Because if you're in a marriage with the man who 371 00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:59,080 Speaker 1: can't provide for you, doesn't provide for you, and you've 372 00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:02,000 Speaker 1: got one child, now you're gonna have two, but you're 373 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:05,880 Speaker 1: staying in the marriage. Now there's going to be three 374 00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:08,320 Speaker 1: people he's not providing for and you're gonna have to 375 00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:13,720 Speaker 1: watch that. You're participating in it. And I'm not saying 376 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:18,040 Speaker 1: you shouldn't at all, but like I said, you should 377 00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:22,800 Speaker 1: really start thinking of yourself as a single woman. If 378 00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:24,800 Speaker 1: you have to carry all the weight and you have 379 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:27,920 Speaker 1: to do anything and anything that's contributed, you can consider 380 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:31,000 Speaker 1: it a gift. But you can't stay in this knowing 381 00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:36,879 Speaker 1: what it is and complain about it. It's your choice. 382 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:40,280 Speaker 1: These are choices that you've made and you have the 383 00:27:40,359 --> 00:27:46,560 Speaker 1: ability to respond to them. You are responsible. So what 384 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:50,359 Speaker 1: you can do right now as a grown woman with 385 00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:54,320 Speaker 1: a big girl panties on in terms of wanting to 386 00:27:54,400 --> 00:28:00,200 Speaker 1: take care of you, it's prioritize and a job and 387 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:04,760 Speaker 1: and legal degree and those things. That's not the priority. 388 00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:08,080 Speaker 1: Right then we'll talk more about it when we come back. 389 00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:15,800 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the r spot. Let's get back to 390 00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:19,920 Speaker 1: the conversation. So talk to me about your spiritual practice. 391 00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:21,760 Speaker 1: What do you do daily? 392 00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:27,680 Speaker 2: Well, I do have a Most High that I pray 393 00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:32,400 Speaker 2: too often. I do find solace and a friend with Jesus. 394 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:38,920 Speaker 2: I do listen to whether it's inspirational rahyps, Christian music, 395 00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:44,160 Speaker 2: or in worship music. So I find myself in little 396 00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:49,240 Speaker 2: pieces of joy in my music. I do. I haven't 397 00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:53,760 Speaker 2: meditated in a while. When I found myself the most 398 00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:58,040 Speaker 2: stressed a few weeks ago, I started tapping to tap 399 00:28:58,120 --> 00:29:02,560 Speaker 2: away that energy. I do need to get back to 400 00:29:03,560 --> 00:29:05,640 Speaker 2: the spiritual routine that I did have. 401 00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:08,520 Speaker 1: Because if you praying every day and you're with the 402 00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:12,040 Speaker 1: Most High and Jesus is your friend, you should be 403 00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:16,000 Speaker 1: getting some clearer guidance than this. So whatever it is 404 00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:19,240 Speaker 1: you're doing, we got to intensify that. You got to 405 00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:23,000 Speaker 1: intensify it. You know, I don't know if you if 406 00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:26,360 Speaker 1: there's a spiritual teacher or God that you listen to. 407 00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:29,440 Speaker 1: I mean, do you read the Bible? I mean what 408 00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:35,280 Speaker 1: I would recommend for you a really wonderful book. Are 409 00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:39,840 Speaker 1: you moving more toward the Christian side or universal or 410 00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:42,240 Speaker 1: what is what? 411 00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:45,920 Speaker 2: I would say that non denomination is my foundation, but 412 00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:48,000 Speaker 2: it's growing upwards from. 413 00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:49,680 Speaker 1: There, growing upward to what. 414 00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:53,840 Speaker 2: Well, you know, I think I found the interest in 415 00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:59,680 Speaker 2: African religion. Now I think I found, you. 416 00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:07,280 Speaker 1: Know how, the foundation in that to really you don't 417 00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:10,000 Speaker 1: have the foundation and not to make it a robust 418 00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:13,040 Speaker 1: part of your practice. So one I'm going to offer 419 00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:17,400 Speaker 1: you is, are you familiar with Jesus Calling? 420 00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:18,880 Speaker 2: No? No? 421 00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:22,320 Speaker 1: Does that sound like something if I say to you Jesus, 422 00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:24,000 Speaker 1: you don't freak out? Do you? 423 00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:24,440 Speaker 2: No? May? 424 00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:28,240 Speaker 1: Okay? Well, you know, I don't know. Everybody has their 425 00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:34,480 Speaker 1: own way. Jesus Calling. It's a daily book and she 426 00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:37,360 Speaker 1: gives you a commentary and she also gives you a 427 00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:39,480 Speaker 1: scripture to read every day. I'm going to put you 428 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:46,719 Speaker 1: on a prescription of Jesus Calling, so that you have 429 00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:50,239 Speaker 1: something every single day to guide your day. You have 430 00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:54,240 Speaker 1: a prayer to pray, You have an affirmation each and 431 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:59,480 Speaker 1: every day, because you've got to have that foundation to 432 00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:04,600 Speaker 1: know that something other than you is doing this and 433 00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:08,120 Speaker 1: that there's some place or something you can lean on. 434 00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:09,720 Speaker 1: Does that make sense? 435 00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:11,840 Speaker 2: That's what I needed to hear. 436 00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:15,040 Speaker 1: Yeah, And you can get it as an app on 437 00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:17,120 Speaker 1: your phone. You can get it as a book. You 438 00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:21,080 Speaker 1: can get it as a journal, so you can put 439 00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:23,520 Speaker 1: it on your phone for free, or you can go 440 00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:27,040 Speaker 1: to wherever you shop, Amazon or wherever so that you 441 00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:30,160 Speaker 1: have something every day. When you turn your feet to 442 00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:32,360 Speaker 1: the side of your bed, that's your first step. That's 443 00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:36,920 Speaker 1: your spiritual practice. That's your foundation, all right. And then 444 00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:39,400 Speaker 1: when you stand up from your bed before you go 445 00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:41,840 Speaker 1: get the baby or do whatever, even if it's a 446 00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:46,960 Speaker 1: little stretching, deep knee bends. You know, I don't know 447 00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:49,080 Speaker 1: where you live. If you can walk up and down 448 00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:51,920 Speaker 1: the staircase, if you can walk around the block, you've 449 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:56,400 Speaker 1: got to get yourself moving because exercise is one of 450 00:31:56,440 --> 00:31:59,920 Speaker 1: the best ways to eliminate stress. It just keeps the 451 00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:03,640 Speaker 1: blood flowing in your body. I hear you say that 452 00:32:03,680 --> 00:32:06,800 Speaker 1: you're trying to drive uber I don't know what that means. 453 00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:09,480 Speaker 1: If you're trying, either you are or you aren't. But 454 00:32:09,560 --> 00:32:12,800 Speaker 1: if you're ubering, pick two days a week or three 455 00:32:12,920 --> 00:32:17,040 Speaker 1: days a week that these days I'm ubering. That's it. 456 00:32:17,480 --> 00:32:20,160 Speaker 1: That's what I'm ubering. And the other three or four 457 00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:23,480 Speaker 1: days you're not doing that. Those are the days you rest. 458 00:32:23,960 --> 00:32:26,280 Speaker 1: Those are the days you come home when the baby 459 00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:28,760 Speaker 1: goes down for a nap, you take a nap, or 460 00:32:28,840 --> 00:32:31,320 Speaker 1: if you have a support system to say, can you 461 00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:33,560 Speaker 1: keep the baby for me for a couple of hours. 462 00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:39,000 Speaker 1: You just have to prioritize and structure. Prioritize and structure. 463 00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:42,880 Speaker 1: But again, you need to be real clear that living 464 00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:46,560 Speaker 1: in the house with a man who is not supporting 465 00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:50,920 Speaker 1: you is a stressful activity. That's just it's just there. 466 00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:54,120 Speaker 1: It's like having too many bumps on your pickle. Like 467 00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:57,080 Speaker 1: this pickle, I can't even enjoy it. It's got too 468 00:32:57,080 --> 00:33:02,240 Speaker 1: many bumps on it. So with your job and the 469 00:33:02,280 --> 00:33:04,680 Speaker 1: three or four days of uber ring, you know, you 470 00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:07,960 Speaker 1: just have to create a budget and that's what you 471 00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:13,680 Speaker 1: have to live by. And if your partner contributes, that's 472 00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:15,959 Speaker 1: a gift. You know, it makes it easier. But I 473 00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:20,520 Speaker 1: believe that once you start really answering the call, and 474 00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:24,960 Speaker 1: once you start working with the Christ Jesus calling, things 475 00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:28,600 Speaker 1: are gonna shift because you're gonna shift. 476 00:33:28,040 --> 00:33:30,800 Speaker 2: And I can do things like to create a budget 477 00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:34,680 Speaker 2: and exercise to help on myself. 478 00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:39,640 Speaker 1: Now, here's my concern with you is that you're so 479 00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:44,640 Speaker 1: exhausted that to do any of this, it's just going 480 00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:49,360 Speaker 1: to be overwhelming for you. So I will say, don't 481 00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:54,080 Speaker 1: beat yourself up. Do what you can each and every day. 482 00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:58,760 Speaker 1: If you don't do anything else, make your spiritual practice 483 00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:03,880 Speaker 1: the priority that and rest for you and the baby. 484 00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:10,879 Speaker 1: Because your happiness and the things that you want are 485 00:34:10,960 --> 00:34:15,840 Speaker 1: really a function of you getting what you want. And 486 00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:19,520 Speaker 1: if all you want is financial stability, you know not. 487 00:34:19,680 --> 00:34:21,960 Speaker 1: I want peace, I want joy, I want a happy baby, 488 00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:24,160 Speaker 1: I want my marriage to work. I want to be 489 00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:29,719 Speaker 1: more focused in my life. Because what you want is 490 00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:35,560 Speaker 1: so transactional. It's transactional because I'm sure, like ninety nine 491 00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:38,600 Speaker 1: point two percent of the human race you believe that 492 00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:40,759 Speaker 1: in order to have money, you gotta work, and you 493 00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:42,839 Speaker 1: got to work hard to have more money, because that's 494 00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:45,720 Speaker 1: what I'm hearing in your conversation. Now, that's not true, 495 00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:50,200 Speaker 1: but that's what you believe. So if financial stability is 496 00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:53,360 Speaker 1: what you want, if that's what's going to make you 497 00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:57,840 Speaker 1: happy and peaceful, you're going to be really nervous not 498 00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:01,799 Speaker 1: to be working your fingers to the bone because you 499 00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:04,200 Speaker 1: don't believe that you can have what you want unless 500 00:35:04,239 --> 00:35:08,080 Speaker 1: you make it happen. So that's just my concern for you. 501 00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:11,279 Speaker 1: What I want you to know that happiness is not 502 00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:18,359 Speaker 1: an event. It's not occasional. It's having the happiness in 503 00:35:18,400 --> 00:35:23,160 Speaker 1: your heart and in your mind. That's what creates the 504 00:35:23,320 --> 00:35:28,880 Speaker 1: environment for more happiness to come. Does that make sense? 505 00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:30,840 Speaker 2: Yeah? 506 00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:37,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, So these little things and these little things the rest, 507 00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:42,440 Speaker 1: the spiritual practice, the diet, the exercise. You know, if 508 00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:48,239 Speaker 1: you can manage that, worry about the education and all 509 00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:53,000 Speaker 1: of that later, the divorce or whatever. Worry about that later, 510 00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:56,919 Speaker 1: and continue to do your journaling so that you can 511 00:35:56,960 --> 00:36:02,960 Speaker 1: constantly dump, you know, dump what's in your mind. Because 512 00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:04,960 Speaker 1: on the other side of having this baby, you're going 513 00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:09,120 Speaker 1: to have to make some real hard decisions. It might 514 00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:11,040 Speaker 1: be too hard to make right now. So we're not 515 00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:14,720 Speaker 1: going to do that. Okay, you're quiet. What are you thinking? 516 00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:18,319 Speaker 2: Well, I'm taking it all in. I'm taking a deep 517 00:36:18,360 --> 00:36:21,759 Speaker 2: breath and really hearing what you're saying and not what 518 00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:22,640 Speaker 2: I think I hear. 519 00:36:23,480 --> 00:36:24,680 Speaker 1: Well, what do you think you here? 520 00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:30,080 Speaker 2: I think that I hear you saying that. You know, 521 00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:34,360 Speaker 2: like you said, if money is my problem, that I 522 00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:37,000 Speaker 2: really don't have any problems at all. It's more so 523 00:36:37,080 --> 00:36:41,040 Speaker 2: about the happiness that is or is not here within me, 524 00:36:42,840 --> 00:36:45,239 Speaker 2: and I'm also hearing you telling me how I can 525 00:36:45,320 --> 00:36:51,680 Speaker 2: change these things around by prioritizing what's important first and 526 00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:56,880 Speaker 2: working my way down the things that also matter but 527 00:36:57,080 --> 00:37:00,400 Speaker 2: not an immediate priority. 528 00:37:00,680 --> 00:37:05,279 Speaker 1: Right. Okay, Well you hear very good. Apparently you hear 529 00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:08,239 Speaker 1: better than your husband can see. 530 00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:13,879 Speaker 2: I have a good teacher in Misteria. Like I said, 531 00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:17,719 Speaker 2: I joined the Spiritual Warrior class and I do want 532 00:37:17,760 --> 00:37:21,600 Speaker 2: to get back into doing that because it was a 533 00:37:21,760 --> 00:37:25,440 Speaker 2: very beautiful feeling when I was joined. And the ladies 534 00:37:25,480 --> 00:37:29,279 Speaker 2: that you hadn't connect with on my team, I think 535 00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:33,799 Speaker 2: I was in the courage team. It did help me 536 00:37:33,920 --> 00:37:36,920 Speaker 2: because I didn't have much courage. I considered myself a 537 00:37:37,040 --> 00:37:40,440 Speaker 2: very bashful woman and I'm trying to break out of that. 538 00:37:40,719 --> 00:37:43,040 Speaker 1: Let me tell you something. You have more courage than 539 00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:47,040 Speaker 1: you give yourself credit for. It takes courage to be 540 00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:50,439 Speaker 1: where you are and do what you're doing. It takes 541 00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:56,279 Speaker 1: a lot of courage. So I hope that you can 542 00:37:56,360 --> 00:38:00,160 Speaker 1: see that even to make this call took a lot 543 00:38:00,160 --> 00:38:05,640 Speaker 1: of courage. And trust me, when I say I hear 544 00:38:05,760 --> 00:38:09,960 Speaker 1: what you're not saying, I hear it very clearly. And 545 00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:13,560 Speaker 1: whether it was a conscious choice or an unconscious choice. 546 00:38:13,840 --> 00:38:18,040 Speaker 1: It's very wise of you, because there's a lot going 547 00:38:18,080 --> 00:38:21,640 Speaker 1: on with you that would really just blow your circuitry 548 00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:25,200 Speaker 1: if you really try to manage it all. So we're 549 00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:27,759 Speaker 1: not going to manage it all. We're gonna prioritize this. 550 00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:31,720 Speaker 1: You are the focus. You and that baby are the focus, 551 00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:35,960 Speaker 1: and this simple little things that you can do throughout 552 00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:40,880 Speaker 1: these next seven months while you're carrying and preparing to 553 00:38:40,920 --> 00:38:44,360 Speaker 1: bring forth this new life and on the other side 554 00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:48,239 Speaker 1: of this as a woman, I really want to encourage you. 555 00:38:48,239 --> 00:38:51,680 Speaker 1: You gotta have a posse. You gotta have a posse. 556 00:38:52,440 --> 00:38:55,560 Speaker 1: You know, your crew, your team. If it's two, three, 557 00:38:55,760 --> 00:38:59,520 Speaker 1: four people that you know, come Hella high water. They're 558 00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:03,640 Speaker 1: there for you. So whatever has prevented you from doing that, 559 00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:06,480 Speaker 1: I really want you to get on that. You got 560 00:39:06,480 --> 00:39:09,080 Speaker 1: to look around your life, whether it's the women in 561 00:39:09,120 --> 00:39:13,880 Speaker 1: your courage tribe or at someplace I don't know, if 562 00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:16,480 Speaker 1: you got to go join the little neighborhood church. You 563 00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:19,680 Speaker 1: got to have a posse. You can't be out here 564 00:39:19,719 --> 00:39:22,360 Speaker 1: on your own as a woman. 565 00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:27,120 Speaker 2: I agree. I just I don't think I found my 566 00:39:27,360 --> 00:39:31,560 Speaker 2: type of tribe yet I had. I have friends that 567 00:39:31,840 --> 00:39:35,200 Speaker 2: I've known since college or high school, and I even 568 00:39:35,280 --> 00:39:38,840 Speaker 2: have two male best friends. But you know, I'm in 569 00:39:38,880 --> 00:39:42,960 Speaker 2: a different area of life, and I can't expect my 570 00:39:43,160 --> 00:39:49,480 Speaker 2: single friends to understand my marital issues. And I can't 571 00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:54,800 Speaker 2: expect my aunt, who has a completely different outlook on life, 572 00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:59,440 Speaker 2: to be able to wisely advise your mind. And I 573 00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:02,759 Speaker 2: can't expect my male counterparts through, you know, help with 574 00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:06,040 Speaker 2: the mental dump. So I hear you. I hear you. 575 00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:07,280 Speaker 2: I need to find my people. 576 00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:11,239 Speaker 1: I think you have your people, but you judge them. 577 00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:14,560 Speaker 1: Let me tell you something. One of the greatest gifts 578 00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:18,160 Speaker 1: that a woman can have in her life is an 579 00:40:18,239 --> 00:40:22,960 Speaker 1: elder woman, a midwife. And you all don't have to 580 00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:25,560 Speaker 1: be on the same page, playing on the same team, 581 00:40:26,080 --> 00:40:31,880 Speaker 1: reading from the same book. But in the annoying rambling 582 00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:36,040 Speaker 1: that she's gonna pour on you, there's nuggets of wisdom. 583 00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:39,200 Speaker 1: And chances are you don't want to hear what she 584 00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:43,040 Speaker 1: has to say. But I would be listening with my ears, 585 00:40:43,120 --> 00:40:47,279 Speaker 1: my toes, my eyes because through that I filter it 586 00:40:47,400 --> 00:40:50,840 Speaker 1: out and I'm gonna get what I need. Elder women, 587 00:40:51,160 --> 00:40:53,399 Speaker 1: you know, and I speak is one myself. We can 588 00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:56,960 Speaker 1: be a pain in the butt because we see it 589 00:40:57,040 --> 00:41:00,799 Speaker 1: and we think it, and you know, as long as 590 00:41:00,800 --> 00:41:08,360 Speaker 1: it's not condemning and judgmental, take it in and camb 591 00:41:08,440 --> 00:41:13,319 Speaker 1: through the all that's coming for you. For that one 592 00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:16,160 Speaker 1: little nugget, I promise you she has things to say 593 00:41:16,239 --> 00:41:20,200 Speaker 1: that will help you. But you don't want to hear 594 00:41:20,239 --> 00:41:22,640 Speaker 1: her condemn your husband, call you stupid, tell you what 595 00:41:22,680 --> 00:41:24,960 Speaker 1: a mess you've made, what you need to do, and 596 00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:26,799 Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah blah. You don't want to hear that. 597 00:41:27,680 --> 00:41:33,080 Speaker 4: Yeah, hm, but you did. 598 00:41:33,280 --> 00:41:35,840 Speaker 1: And all you ever have to say to her was, Okay, 599 00:41:35,880 --> 00:41:40,080 Speaker 1: how do I fix this? Because elder women love to 600 00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:43,840 Speaker 1: tell you how to fix stuff. And your single friends 601 00:41:44,400 --> 00:41:48,600 Speaker 1: they have a wisdom too, and you're not just going 602 00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:52,440 Speaker 1: to them to talk about your narrital problems. You need support. 603 00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:54,760 Speaker 1: How many of them single friends can take the baby 604 00:41:54,840 --> 00:41:56,759 Speaker 1: for a day? Would any of them be willing to 605 00:41:56,800 --> 00:41:58,400 Speaker 1: do that? Have you ever asked? 606 00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:03,640 Speaker 2: Honestly, you've never met my daughter in person yet? 607 00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:06,719 Speaker 1: Oh this is a problem. Okay, I'm not going no 608 00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:10,880 Speaker 1: further with you. 609 00:42:07,400 --> 00:42:14,240 Speaker 4: You got friends that ain't seen your two year old child. Okay, 610 00:42:14,760 --> 00:42:21,600 Speaker 4: let's go back prioritize yep, spiritual practice, exercise, rest, diet 611 00:42:21,880 --> 00:42:23,680 Speaker 4: and a little bit of happy each day. 612 00:42:24,239 --> 00:42:27,440 Speaker 1: What makes you happy a little bit each day? I 613 00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:29,919 Speaker 1: don't care what it is. For me. It's Law and Order, 614 00:42:30,239 --> 00:42:33,719 Speaker 1: two episodes, and I'm good to go, even though I've 615 00:42:33,760 --> 00:42:38,759 Speaker 1: seen those two episodes fifty six times. You've made it 616 00:42:38,800 --> 00:42:41,640 Speaker 1: a little difficult for yourself, but I think that's because 617 00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:45,160 Speaker 1: of the instability in your childhood. You've made it real hard. 618 00:42:45,719 --> 00:42:48,040 Speaker 1: But I went to law school with three children. You 619 00:42:48,120 --> 00:42:51,400 Speaker 1: got two, so you a step ahead of me. And 620 00:42:51,440 --> 00:42:53,840 Speaker 1: I went to law school when I was thirty three 621 00:42:54,000 --> 00:43:03,440 Speaker 1: years old. So it's all doable. You just have to prioritize. Okay, yes, ma'am. 622 00:43:03,520 --> 00:43:06,360 Speaker 2: Thank you so much, appreciating. 623 00:43:05,719 --> 00:43:08,440 Speaker 1: Thank you for calling. Get on those priorities and go 624 00:43:08,520 --> 00:43:11,919 Speaker 1: to wherever you shop and get that book. Get that book, 625 00:43:12,719 --> 00:43:14,399 Speaker 1: and I want to talk to you after you've had 626 00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:19,640 Speaker 1: the baby. Okay, yes, ma'am, have a lesson? All righty 627 00:43:20,120 --> 00:43:27,360 Speaker 1: bye bye. How do we fix a mess? How do 628 00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:32,160 Speaker 1: we fix a mess? Sometimes we make a mess of 629 00:43:32,239 --> 00:43:36,279 Speaker 1: our lives because we don't deal with the mess and 630 00:43:36,440 --> 00:43:42,880 Speaker 1: our relationships, and sometimes we find ourselves in a mess 631 00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:47,080 Speaker 1: of our own making. But that's hard to look at. 632 00:43:48,040 --> 00:43:53,720 Speaker 1: So what we do is we hypnotize ourselves by looking 633 00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:57,360 Speaker 1: at any and everything else other than the mess we 634 00:43:57,440 --> 00:44:01,680 Speaker 1: are in, and in doing that we dress ourselves out. 635 00:44:03,360 --> 00:44:07,960 Speaker 1: How do we fix a mess? Well, the first thing 636 00:44:08,000 --> 00:44:11,040 Speaker 1: you have to do is you have to acknowledge that 637 00:44:11,120 --> 00:44:15,920 Speaker 1: the mess exists. If you don't acknowledge that the mess exists, 638 00:44:16,120 --> 00:44:18,320 Speaker 1: you're going to be spinning your wheels in the mud, 639 00:44:18,480 --> 00:44:23,440 Speaker 1: making an even bigger mess. Once you acknowledge that the 640 00:44:23,520 --> 00:44:28,840 Speaker 1: mess exists, then you have to prioritize. You have to 641 00:44:28,920 --> 00:44:33,919 Speaker 1: prioritize what you can do based on what is available 642 00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:38,879 Speaker 1: to you, so that you can grow the strength required 643 00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:41,200 Speaker 1: to look at the whole mess. I tell you, a 644 00:44:41,320 --> 00:44:44,440 Speaker 1: mess is something, and when you've got a mess, you 645 00:44:44,600 --> 00:44:47,520 Speaker 1: got to have priorities. And that's what I talk to 646 00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:56,600 Speaker 1: my caller about today, priorities of a mess. Sometimes we're 647 00:44:56,719 --> 00:45:03,200 Speaker 1: sitting in a mess that looks so big and that 648 00:45:03,440 --> 00:45:09,640 Speaker 1: feels so heavy, we're not really sure where to begin. 649 00:45:10,440 --> 00:45:17,120 Speaker 1: In those situations, what I always recommend is vote for 650 00:45:17,280 --> 00:45:23,239 Speaker 1: you first. No matter how big the mess is, no 651 00:45:23,239 --> 00:45:26,120 Speaker 1: matter how much is going on, no matter how many 652 00:45:26,200 --> 00:45:31,000 Speaker 1: people are involved, you gotta take care of you, and 653 00:45:31,040 --> 00:45:33,920 Speaker 1: you may not be able to take a trip around 654 00:45:33,960 --> 00:45:36,600 Speaker 1: the world, or buy yourself a fur coat or a 655 00:45:36,640 --> 00:45:40,560 Speaker 1: new convertible car. But there are simple things that you 656 00:45:40,680 --> 00:45:46,160 Speaker 1: can do, like a bath, a long, hot soak bath 657 00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:50,520 Speaker 1: where you just cry in the tub, or listen to music, 658 00:45:51,560 --> 00:45:55,240 Speaker 1: play with yourself, do whatever is required in the moment. 659 00:45:57,520 --> 00:46:02,000 Speaker 1: A walk. I remember when I had big mess in 660 00:46:02,040 --> 00:46:04,760 Speaker 1: my life. I used to do a two am walk 661 00:46:04,760 --> 00:46:08,439 Speaker 1: with God. I don't care what time I went to bed. 662 00:46:09,080 --> 00:46:11,840 Speaker 1: I would get up at two am and I would 663 00:46:11,920 --> 00:46:16,480 Speaker 1: just go out and walk around my area, around my block. 664 00:46:16,560 --> 00:46:18,880 Speaker 1: I was fortunate that I had a lot of land, 665 00:46:19,280 --> 00:46:21,600 Speaker 1: so I could walk my land, and I used to 666 00:46:21,680 --> 00:46:26,160 Speaker 1: talk out loud and fuss and weep and laugh and 667 00:46:26,320 --> 00:46:29,880 Speaker 1: tell jokes. Two am walk with God, simple didn't cost 668 00:46:29,960 --> 00:46:33,959 Speaker 1: me anything. Eating when you got a mess in your life, 669 00:46:34,000 --> 00:46:38,560 Speaker 1: don't eat mess. Don't eat mess, don't eat it mentally, 670 00:46:39,080 --> 00:46:43,680 Speaker 1: don't need it emotionally, and do'nt it spiritually. What you 671 00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:47,399 Speaker 1: feed your mind, your heart, and your spirit when you're 672 00:46:47,440 --> 00:46:53,480 Speaker 1: in a mess is absolutely essential. Yes, eat your vegetables, Yes, 673 00:46:53,800 --> 00:46:57,040 Speaker 1: drink plenty of water, but also be mindful of what 674 00:46:57,080 --> 00:47:00,640 Speaker 1: you're watching. If you're watching television, what your looking at, 675 00:47:00,680 --> 00:47:04,160 Speaker 1: if you're on the computer, what you're reading, who you're 676 00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:07,960 Speaker 1: talking to, Because in the middle of a mess, you 677 00:47:08,080 --> 00:47:11,400 Speaker 1: gotta take care of you. I hope that my caller 678 00:47:11,480 --> 00:47:19,480 Speaker 1: today really acknowledges herself for the courage that she has 679 00:47:19,600 --> 00:47:21,840 Speaker 1: that's going to move her through this mess. But my 680 00:47:22,080 --> 00:47:25,560 Speaker 1: real prayer for her is that on the other side, 681 00:47:25,960 --> 00:47:30,480 Speaker 1: she's willing to take ownership of how she created it. 682 00:47:31,200 --> 00:47:34,400 Speaker 1: That's where the real healing will unfold. I hope this 683 00:47:34,440 --> 00:47:36,680 Speaker 1: has been helpful to someone, and if you have a 684 00:47:36,800 --> 00:47:41,520 Speaker 1: question about this or any other relationship issue, you can 685 00:47:41,560 --> 00:47:45,240 Speaker 1: call me live at seven seven five three zero seven 686 00:47:45,600 --> 00:47:48,239 Speaker 1: seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to follow me 687 00:47:48,320 --> 00:47:51,759 Speaker 1: on social media for all of the calling times, and 688 00:47:51,880 --> 00:48:01,279 Speaker 1: until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R 689 00:48:01,360 --> 00:48:06,360 Speaker 1: Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. 690 00:48:07,080 --> 00:48:11,800 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, 691 00:48:12,000 --> 00:48:18,080 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.