Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna be honest, people, last night was not the
Speaker 2: most interesting convention night. Actually, I'm gonna be super honest.
Speaker 2: It was extremely boring. And that's only because the other
Speaker 2: Knights have been so rock and roll. I mean, on
Speaker 2: Night one, Kimberly Guilfoyle attempted to summon the Kraken. On
Speaker 2: night two, Donald Trump had a ceremony with immigrants that
Speaker 2: wasn't a marriage. But last night, the most exciting thing
Speaker 2: to happen was a speech by Mike Pence, a man
Speaker 2: so boring that during his midlife crisis he bought a minivan.
Speaker 2: Hey ladies, you want to come on in, I'm going
Speaker 2: to costco. And part of what made Pence's speech interesting
Speaker 2: was how he's able to hide so much bullshit underneath
Speaker 2: the veneer of a respectable small town pasta. In fact,
Speaker 2: he actually made me appreciate Trump, because Trump says bullshit
Speaker 2: in a bullshit way, always easy to spot.
Speaker 3: Like this, you mentioned the Bible. You've been talking about
Speaker 3: how it's your favorite book, and you said, I think
Speaker 3: last night in Iowa, some people are surprised that you
Speaker 3: say that. I'm wondering what one or two of your
Speaker 3: most favorite Bible verses are.
Speaker 4: I wouldn't want to get into it because to me,
Speaker 4: that's very personal.
Speaker 2: You know, when I talk about the Bible, it's very personal.
Speaker 4: So I don't want to get into I don't want
Speaker 4: to get into.
Speaker 3: It means a lot to you that you think about
Speaker 3: or site.
Speaker 5: The Bible means a lot to me.
Speaker 2: But I don't want to get into specifics.
Speaker 3: Even to site a verse thing.
Speaker 2: I don't want to do that. Every old Testament guy
Speaker 2: or Testament probably equal see obvious bullshit. We all know
Speaker 2: that man has never read the Bible. Now, granted he's
Speaker 2: never read any book, but he specifically never read the Bible,
Speaker 2: which is your favorite. But with Mike Pence, if you're
Speaker 2: not paying attention, he comes across as a reasonable guy.
Speaker 2: You know. It's the same way I didn't trust anything
Speaker 2: that the Tiger King said, But when Doc Antl spoke,
Speaker 2: he almost maybe believed that he wasn't running a wild
Speaker 2: animal sex cult. Like everyone was just doing their thing.
Speaker 2: And last night was Mike Pence at his finest, cool,
Speaker 2: calm and full of bs. Starting with the way he
Speaker 2: talked about the civil unrest happening in America, cities.
Speaker 6: Last week, Joe Biden didn't say one word about the
Speaker 6: violence and chaos engulfing cities across this country. President Trump
Speaker 6: and I know that the men and women that put
Speaker 6: on the uniform of law enforcement are the best of us.
Speaker 6: Every day when they walk out that door, they consider
Speaker 6: our lives more important than their own. People like Dave
Speaker 6: Patrick Underwood, an officer in the Department of Homeland Securities
Speaker 6: Federal Protective Service who was shot and killed during the
Speaker 6: riots in Oakland, California. Dave's heroism is emblematic now the
Speaker 6: heroes that serve in blue every day.
Speaker 2: First off, Pence says that an officer was killed during
Speaker 2: the riots in Oakland, which gives you the impression that
Speaker 2: the officer was killed by riots.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: The truth is the person charged with killing Officer Underwood
Speaker 2: is a right wing terrorist. You know. It's sort of
Speaker 2: like saying that Bruce Lee died during the Vietnam War. Yeah,
Speaker 2: technically that's correct because he died in nineteen seventy three,
Speaker 2: but it's not while he was fighting the Vietkong You
Speaker 2: got to tell the truth people, Bruce Lee was killed
Speaker 2: by the illuminati. When Pence says that Joe Biden didn't
Speaker 2: say one word about the violence during the convention. He's
Speaker 2: giving you the impression that Biden supports the riots, when
Speaker 2: in fact, Biden condemned them a few months ago when
Speaker 2: they started, and he continued condemning them again yesterday when
Speaker 2: they kicked off in Kenosha. And that's what makes Mike
Speaker 2: pen so slick. He doesn't lie. He doesn't lie, He
Speaker 2: just implies. But that's fine. I guess you know, there's
Speaker 2: no comment that says thou shalt not suggest false witness
Speaker 2: against thy neighbor. So, according to Mike Pence, America under
Speaker 2: President Trump is falling into anarchy. But you'll never guess
Speaker 2: whose fault it actually is.
Speaker 6: Joe Biden says that America is systemically racist and that
Speaker 6: law enforcement in America has and I quote an implicit
Speaker 6: bias against minorities. Joe Biden would double down on the
Speaker 6: very policies that are leading to violence in America's cities.
Speaker 3: The hard truth is.
Speaker 6: You won't be safe in Joe Biden's America.
Speaker 2: That's right. You see all the bad stuff that's happening
Speaker 2: in Trump's America, Well that's actually Joe Biden's America. So
Speaker 2: wait when is it Trump's America when things are going well?
Speaker 2: And as for the idea that you won't be safe
Speaker 2: when Joe Biden as president, people, I'm not safe.
Speaker 7: Now.
Speaker 2: Forget the riots. Coronavirus is waiting to punch me in
Speaker 2: the lungs as soon as I leave the house. You
Speaker 2: won't be safe in the future, bitch, I can't even
Speaker 2: go to it. Danny's right now. So Mike Pen's talking
Speaker 2: about riots and protests wasn't exactly on the up and up,
Speaker 2: but it was nothing compared to his bullshit about Trump's
Speaker 2: handling of the coronavirus pandemic, which, to hear him tell it,
Speaker 2: was more perfect than Trump's call with Ukraine.
Speaker 6: Before the first case of the coronavirus spread within the
Speaker 6: United States, the President took unprecedented action and suspended all
Speaker 6: travel from China, the second largest economy in the world.
Speaker 6: Now that action saved untold American lives, and I can
Speaker 6: tell you first hand it bought us invaluable time to
Speaker 6: launch the greatest national mobilization since World War Two. President
Speaker 6: Trump marshall the full resources of our federal government from
Speaker 6: the outset. He directed us to forge a seamless partnership
Speaker 6: with governors across America in both political parties. Today, we're
Speaker 6: conducting more than eight hundred thousand tests a day, and
Speaker 6: we have coordinated the delivery of billions of pieces of
Speaker 6: personal protective equipment for our amazing doctors, nurses, and healthcare workers.
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm not gonna lie. I'm actually kind of impressed
Speaker 2: by how much cow excrements Pence managed to pack in here,
Speaker 2: because yes, America is doing eight hundred thousand tests a
Speaker 2: day now. What Pence doesn't mention is the many months
Speaker 2: where America did basically no testing, and that Trump himself
Speaker 2: wants there to be less testing. Pence brags about coordinating
Speaker 2: the delivery of PPE. What he doesn't mention is that
Speaker 2: America was so disorganized on PPE that nurses were wrapping
Speaker 2: themselves up in garbage bags, running around looking like some
Speaker 2: kind of broke ass. Missy Elliots. I mean, it's great
Speaker 2: that you bought invaluable time to launch a national mobilization,
Speaker 2: but what would have been even better was if you
Speaker 2: actually used that invaluable time to actually do the national mobilization.
Speaker 2: Oh and as for the seamless partnership with America's governors,
Speaker 2: I assume Pence is referring to when Trump told Democratic
Speaker 2: governors that they would only get help if they were
Speaker 2: nice to him. I mean, I guess that's a seamless partnership.
Speaker 2: The same way when a guy walks into the bank
Speaker 2: and tells someone to put the money in the bag,
Speaker 2: they put the money in the bag. Hashtag teamwork. Now.
Speaker 2: To be fair, Mike Pence did admit that America hasn't
Speaker 2: completely solved coronavirus, but then he got mad that Joe
Speaker 2: Biden said finishing the job would take actual work.
Speaker 6: Now, last week, Joe Biden said that no miracle is coming. Well,
Speaker 6: what Joe doesn't seem to understand is that America is
Speaker 6: a nation of miracles, and I'm proud to report that
Speaker 6: we're on track to have the world's first safe, effective
Speaker 6: coronavirus vaccine by the end of this year.
Speaker 2: Wow, what a miracle. We might be getting the vaccine
Speaker 2: at some point and only two hundred thousand people had
Speaker 2: to die first. Take that, Joe Biden, like, I don't
Speaker 2: think it still qualifies as a miracle. If it happens
Speaker 2: long after we needed the miracle. God Pots in the
Speaker 2: Red Sea wouldn't have been quite as miraculous if it
Speaker 2: happened eight months after the Egyptians stabbed all the Israelites
Speaker 2: to death. So that was Mike Pence's speech, and I
Speaker 2: guess we finally found out why pants always has that
Speaker 2: permanent squint. Yeah, his own face is going, oh, we're
Speaker 2: really saying this bullshit. Let's kick things off with last
Speaker 2: night's vice presidential debates, the first and only debates between
Speaker 2: the two people who will take over if the president
Speaker 2: falls in the shower, And it was a weird situation
Speaker 2: from the start because there was a real chance that
Speaker 2: Pence could have COVID nineteen even though he's tested negative,
Speaker 2: and that fear wasn't helped when Pence's eye threw a
Speaker 2: gender revealed party pink, it's a girl, blood pink, it's
Speaker 2: a girl. Now. It would be unfair to say that
Speaker 2: no part of last night was worth watching, because for
Speaker 2: a couple of minutes, specifically two minutes and nine seconds,
Speaker 2: the debate got amazing.
Speaker 5: A fly stole the spotlight and landed on Vice President
Speaker 5: Mike Pence's head and stayed there for about two minutes.
Speaker 8: Everyone but Pence seemed.
Speaker 9: To notice the fly that landed on mister Pence's head
Speaker 9: and sat there for two minutes and nine seconds.
Speaker 10: I thought that the most effective.
Speaker 6: Being on that stage to go after Vice President Pence
Speaker 6: was that fly that landed on his head.
Speaker 2: Who would have predicted a fly would steal the show? Okay?
Speaker 2: Can I just say that I was not surprised at
Speaker 2: all to see that fly land on Mike Pence. First
Speaker 2: of all, even a fly knows better than to touch
Speaker 2: a black woman's hair. And second, have you seen my pants?
Speaker 2: The guy has bloody eyes in the world's palss skin.
Speaker 2: That fly probably thought he was a dead body. Flowers like, yo,
Speaker 2: this is where I be, And I was like, wow,
Speaker 2: the shit moved and look, flies land on people all
Speaker 2: the time. There's nothing crazy about that. What was crazy
Speaker 2: is how long it sat there for. Even Trump was
Speaker 2: watching at home, like, wow, two minutes with Mike Pence.
Speaker 2: I could never do that. We gotta get that fly
Speaker 2: into the weare out such a powerful draw fly. Let's
Speaker 2: kick things off with an update on the January sixth
Speaker 2: insurrection at the Capitol, the day white supremacist entered the
Speaker 2: Capitol without having to get elected. Yesterday, Congress held its
Speaker 2: first hearings on what went wrong with security that day,
Speaker 2: and the testimony from the people in charge was not encouraging.
Speaker 2: But yesterday's hearing was just the beginning of a long process.
Speaker 2: I mean President Trump insidesed a mob that stormed the
Speaker 2: capital chanting, hang Mike Pence. That's something that was super
Speaker 2: upsetting to everyone, well almost everyone.
Speaker 5: Former Vice president Mike Pence is standing by his former boss.
Speaker 5: That's right. Pence told a group of conservative lawmakers yesterday
Speaker 5: he maintains a close personal friendship with the former president.
Speaker 11: This is significant because of what happened on January sixth
Speaker 11: and pro Trump demonstrators coming into the Capitol looking for
Speaker 11: Mike Pence and Donald Trump tweeting a boy attacking Mike
Speaker 11: Pence even during the Capitol riot. But he did not
Speaker 11: express I'm told any ill will towards the former president.
Speaker 11: Banks told me, I got the sense they speak often
Speaker 11: and maintain the same personal friendship and relationship now that
Speaker 11: they have for four years.
Speaker 2: Whoa staying loyal aften he sends a mob to kill you, man,
Speaker 2: That shows how committed Mike Pence is to his principles.
Speaker 2: He won't even abort a friendship. And I don't know
Speaker 2: where the line is between forgiving and being a doormat,
Speaker 2: but Mike Pence crossed it a long time ago. I mean, yeah,
Speaker 2: the Bible says to turn the other cheek, but at
Speaker 2: the same time, one of the ten commandments is thou
Speaker 2: shalt not be a bitch ass. I guess at this
Speaker 2: point there's nothing that Trump can do to Mike Pence
Speaker 2: that would make Pence turn on him. They basically have
Speaker 2: the same relationship that we have with our elexa ah Alexa.
Speaker 2: I hate you. I wish you would die. I'm sorry
Speaker 2: you feel that way. Is there anything else I could
Speaker 2: help you with? We kick things off with the ongoing
Speaker 2: investigation into the January sixth attack on the US Capitol Building,
Speaker 2: also known as the most successful Facebook meetup of all time.
Speaker 2: Right now, a congressional committee is trying to determine if
Speaker 2: President Trump and his allies were involved in the violent
Speaker 2: attempt to overturn the election, and one of the people
Speaker 2: they most want to hear from is Steve Bannon, former
Speaker 2: Trump advisor and the only person who should maybe try
Speaker 2: Horst Wermer. I mean, it couldn't hurt, but like any
Speaker 2: innocent person, Trump has told all of his people not
Speaker 2: to cooperate with law enforcement at all. So Bannon defied
Speaker 2: a congressional subpoena to testify, and this morning he turned
Speaker 2: himself in, arriving at an FBI office looking like he'd
Speaker 2: already served ten years in prison. But if all of
Speaker 2: this activity has Donald Trump worried, he's not showing it.
Speaker 2: In fact, when asked whether he had tried to pressure
Speaker 2: my Pens into overturning the election on January sixth, well,
Speaker 2: Trump basically admitted it in the most trumpy way possible.
Speaker 10: It had been reported back in January by The New
Speaker 10: York Times. Did Trump even pressured Pents on the morning
Speaker 10: of January sixth with a crude phone call? When I
Speaker 10: interviewed Trump for betrayal, I asked him about that.
Speaker 4: There was a.
Speaker 10: Report and excuse my language, not not mine. It was
Speaker 10: in the report that you talked to him that morning and.
Speaker 4: You said you could be a patriot or you can
Speaker 4: be it. Did you really say that or or is
Speaker 4: that an incorrect I wouldn't dispute it, really, I wouldn't
Speaker 4: dispute it.
Speaker 2: I wouldn't dispute it. Wow, Oh Trump is gangster? Why
Speaker 2: would I dispute it? The guys are total pussy. Why
Speaker 2: would I dispute it. You know what I love about
Speaker 2: Trump is that even if he didn't say that, he's
Speaker 2: the type of guy who would pretend he said it
Speaker 2: just because it sounded cool, Like, yeah, that's a good line.
Speaker 2: I totally said it. I said it, Patriot pussy. I
Speaker 2: love it. I also love how the reporter says, I
Speaker 2: excuse my language. I excuse my language. So as if
Speaker 2: Donald Trump is going to be offended, my man, it's
Speaker 2: Donald Trump. If anything, he'd be like pussy my favorite topic.
Speaker 2: Thank you for bringing this up. Let's talk about it.
Speaker 2: And by the way, can we can we also acknowledge
Speaker 2: that don't be a pussy is the thing people only
Speaker 2: go through in life when they don't have any other arguments.
Speaker 2: You know, it's the lost option when you have nothing
Speaker 2: real to convince someone with. And yeah, it usually works
Speaker 2: because no one wants to be a pussy. I mean
Speaker 2: that's probably how Cliff Jumping started. I'm not a pussy,
Speaker 2: but sometimes it's good to be a pussy. Oftentimes history
Speaker 2: is made by pussy's. I mean, Gandhi total pussy. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Britain was like, are you gonna fight us? Or are
Speaker 2: you a pussy, and Gandhi said, I am a pussy.
Speaker 2: You must be the pussy you wish to see in
Speaker 2: the world. That is what we need more of.
Speaker 1: You know what's messed up?
Speaker 2: Man?
Speaker 1: I kind of in a way I feel bad for
Speaker 1: Mike pence Man because he was like living at Christian
Speaker 1: life and being all righteous, being like the last four
Speaker 1: or five years famed. He going to hell, like, you know,
Speaker 1: not messing this to just do everything perfect, and then
Speaker 1: just in the ninth inn it, oh, I'm going to hell.
Speaker 1: I didn't do nothing wrong his whole life. He missed
Speaker 1: all his good jack off years, all the good jack
Speaker 1: off here. Your jack off years is from fourteen to
Speaker 1: about forty five forty six. And he didn't do nothing,
Speaker 1: just a pure man. Then start hanging with Trump.
Speaker 2: Now go to hell.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do a patriot or a pussy just messed up.
Speaker 1: I feel bad for Mike pence Man. He gonna be
Speaker 1: all right.
Speaker 2: The Republican Party right now is more divided than Kim
Speaker 2: Kardashian and Kanye West. The big debates is between a
Speaker 2: small handful of conservatives who think it is wrong to
Speaker 2: try and steal an election, versus the majority of Republicans
Speaker 2: who say overthrowing democracy is just legitimate political discourse. Well,
Speaker 2: now Mike Pence has chosen a side.
Speaker 5: The former vice president Mike Pence rebuked President Trump's insistence
Speaker 5: that Pence could have rejected the electoral College results on
Speaker 5: January sixth.
Speaker 6: President Trump said, I had the right to overturn the election.
Speaker 6: President Trump is wrong, and frankly, there is no idea
Speaker 6: more on American then the notion than any one person
Speaker 6: could choose the American president.
Speaker 2: Ooh, Mike Pence standing up to Donald Trump. Hey, look
Speaker 2: at my guy, trying new things for the first time.
Speaker 2: Next week player is going to be having sex with
Speaker 2: his eyes open. But still good for Pence and it's
Speaker 2: going to be fun watching him endorse Trump for reelection
Speaker 2: in two years. He was right, I should have done it,
Speaker 2: and next time maybe I will. Today was the third
Speaker 2: day of the January sixth hearings akavh One's Behind the
Speaker 2: Riots Now. This session focused predominantly on Mike Pence, former
Speaker 2: Vice president, and the inspiration behind the white Noise machine,
Speaker 2: because you see, Trump's entire plan to overturn the election
Speaker 2: hinged on Mike Pence agreeing to break the law by
Speaker 2: not certifying the election results. And today we heard what
Speaker 2: might be the funniest recounting of the conversation that Trump
Speaker 2: actually had with Mike Pence, where the vice president would
Speaker 2: not agree to Trump's scheme no matter how hard the
Speaker 2: Donald tried.
Speaker 12: In the book Peril, journalist Bob Woodward and Robert Costa
Speaker 12: Wright that the President said, quote, if these people say
Speaker 12: you have the power, wouldn't you want to The vice
Speaker 12: president says, quote, I wouldn't want any one person to
Speaker 12: have that authority. The president responds, but wouldn't it almost
Speaker 12: be cool.
Speaker 6: To have that power?
Speaker 12: The Vice president is reported to have said, no, Look,
Speaker 12: I've read this and I don't see a way to
Speaker 12: do it. We've exhausted every option. I've done everything I
Speaker 12: could and then some to find a way around this.
Speaker 12: It's simply not possible. My interpretation is no, to which
Speaker 12: the President says, no, no, No, you don't understand, Mike,
Speaker 12: you can do this. I don't want to be your
Speaker 12: friend anymore if you don't do this.
Speaker 13: Hugh oh Man, you know this is this is the
Speaker 13: part of the paradox of Donald Trump, Like this is
Speaker 13: already the paradox, Like he has the most terrifying schemes
Speaker 13: in the world, but he executes them in the most
Speaker 13: hilarious ways. Because Trump, basically he lives his entire life
Speaker 13: as if he's the bad kid in one of those
Speaker 13: anti smoking PSAs you know, he's like, come.
Speaker 2: On, Mike, just try overturning the election. I thought you
Speaker 2: wanted to be cool. Also, by the way, if there's
Speaker 2: one person who you can't entice with cool, it's Mike Pence.
Speaker 2: He's the least cool man in the world. The man
Speaker 2: wouldn't even watch the Tenny Tubbies because they don't wear pants.
Speaker 2: And you know what's crazy about the story because Trump
Speaker 2: said it like this. Because he said it like this,
Speaker 2: you actually believe that's true, right, Because if the reporting
Speaker 2: was that Pence said, sir, we cannot do this, and
Speaker 2: then Trump said, my interpretation of the Constitution offers ample precedent,
Speaker 2: both legal and historical. People be like, yeah, there's no
Speaker 2: way that happened. That didn't happen. That's not real. But
Speaker 2: I don't want to be a friend anymore. You're like, yeah,
Speaker 2: that's that's my duty, that's my d right there.
Speaker 9: That sounds like, yeah, I also find it crazy that
Speaker 9: Trump thought they were friends, not coworkers, not acquaintance as friends.
Speaker 2: How would that even be possible. What do Pens and
Speaker 2: Trump have to bond over? Huh? This is hanging out
Speaker 2: on the weekend, Like, thanks for bringing me to this club, Mike.
Speaker 2: The music's a little lame, but the ladies are looking good. Ah,
Speaker 2: mister President, it's church. Oh that's why it burned when
Speaker 2: I walked through the door. Turn leg at it, turn
Speaker 2: leg get it. As everyone prepares themselves to what the
Speaker 2: twenty twenty four race will be like with Trump, there's
Speaker 2: one pots. There's one pots that'll be different this time,
Speaker 2: and that is one of Trump's biggest aslickas is going
Speaker 2: to be leaving his ass very dry.
Speaker 4: Nearly two years after a mob of Donald Trump's supporters
Speaker 4: attacked the Capitol, disrupting the transfer of power and chanting hang,
Speaker 4: Mike Pence, Trump's once loyal vice president, is finally telling
Speaker 4: his story about what happened that day.
Speaker 6: The President's words were reckless and his actions were reckless.
Speaker 6: President's words that day met the rally endangered me and
Speaker 6: my family and everyone at the Capitol building.
Speaker 3: Given all that you witnessed in the Capitol on that day,
Speaker 3: this is a pretty straightforward question.
Speaker 7: Yes or no.
Speaker 3: Do you believe that Donald Trump should ever be president again?
Speaker 6: David, I think that's up to the American people, but
Speaker 6: I think we'll have better choices in the future.
Speaker 2: Well, yeah, good for Mike Pence telling Donald Trump. You
Speaker 2: almost got me and my family killed, which is why
Speaker 2: I'm now prepared to say that it's possible there are
Speaker 2: better alternatives to you in the next election, although that
Speaker 2: decision will be up to the American people. You tell him,
Speaker 2: Mike Pence, Oo, you tell him, Brilla man, It's a
Speaker 2: simple question, do you support Trump or not? I don't
Speaker 2: believe Mike Pence is the one leaving us hanging, and
Speaker 2: I know I know why he's doing this, right, I
Speaker 2: know he's doing it. He doesn't want to go too
Speaker 2: hot against Trump because he's still hoping to win over
Speaker 2: Trump's voters he runs for president, which is so delusional.
Speaker 2: Trump's people were the ones who wanted to kill him.
Speaker 2: The only reason they would elected him president so that
Speaker 2: they know for sure where he lived, why would they
Speaker 2: vote for you? And even if that strategy works, it
Speaker 2: still makes him a punk ass bitch. It does.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry for this.
Speaker 2: Another type of man you want leading the United States?
Speaker 2: All right? Well do you can't even say the thing
Speaker 2: out loud? If pencils president, forget China, Canada would be invading. Yeah,
Speaker 2: it's be like, oh, sorry, sorry, We're gonna take Oregon
Speaker 2: a Oh it just seems so easy. Sorry, sorry, eh.
Speaker 14: But speaking of Mike Pence, guess what they just found
Speaker 14: at his house? Yes, classified documents, yes, him too, first Trump,
Speaker 14: then by now Mike Pence. You know, at some point
Speaker 14: the FBI is just going to have to be like, Okay,
Speaker 14: I'm gonna close my account to ten and if they
Speaker 14: are classified documents on this table, I want to open them.
Speaker 1: No one gets in trouble.
Speaker 8: Let's move on to the major news about the arrest
Speaker 8: of Donald Trump, which.
Speaker 10: Is that.
Speaker 8: Trump still has not been arrested. But don't worry, because
Speaker 8: there's still fifty other investigations going on into Trump, and
Speaker 8: one of them is about to feature a surprise witness.
Speaker 7: In a major ruling of federal judge has ordered former
Speaker 7: Vice President Mike Pence to testify before grand jury about
Speaker 7: former President Trump. Pence has been ordered to give testimony
Speaker 7: in the Special Council investigation of Trump's attempts to overturn
Speaker 7: the twenty twenty presidential election. The judge rule, private exchanges
Speaker 7: between Trump and Pence are not off limits. Prosecutors are
Speaker 7: focused on conference stations the two men had on January sixth,
Speaker 7: and also with the days leading up to the capital attack.
Speaker 15: The conversations before January sixth, when Donald Trump and Mike
Speaker 15: Pence were on the phone one on one and Donald
Speaker 15: Trump apparently was berating him, calling him names, that sort
Speaker 15: of thing. In this criminal investigation, he is going to
Speaker 15: have to share that.
Speaker 8: Oh, come on, man, don't make Pens say all the
Speaker 8: names that Trump called him.
Speaker 2: Yo, that could take weeks.
Speaker 8: These jury members have families to go home too, Although
Speaker 8: as a viewer it's something I'd like to see. Actually,
Speaker 8: President Trump brought me into his office and called me
Speaker 8: a little mashed potato boy, a jerk off for Jesus,
Speaker 8: silver haired baby bitch. He called me the white mitt Romney.
Speaker 8: I already even know what that means. He said, if
Speaker 8: I didn't overturn the election, he would I mean, how
Speaker 8: would I put this? Make love to me in the
Speaker 8: hole where the poopoo comes out. Now, for more on
Speaker 8: this story, we go live to the courthouse and Roy
Speaker 8: Wood Jr. Right, what do you think about Pence having
Speaker 8: to testify against Trump?
Speaker 1: I think this is about to be the whitest trial
Speaker 1: of all time. You got Mike Pince, you got Donald Trump.
Speaker 1: It's about to be whiter than the Gwinnifaltrol case, and
Speaker 1: that case got snow skin and guinnifaltrel.
Speaker 2: Roy.
Speaker 8: That's a good point. And it seems like Pence really
Speaker 8: doesn't want to testify.
Speaker 1: Of course he doesn't. Trump's supporters are gonna try to
Speaker 1: kill him again, and and some of those supporters are women.
Speaker 1: So Mike Pence is double scared. According to his beliefs,
Speaker 1: if you get killed by a woman, you go to
Speaker 1: super Hell. You're to superho and they don't even get
Speaker 1: your bathroom breaks and super hell.
Speaker 8: Yeah, it's a must like an Amazon warehouse.
Speaker 1: But but there's a way out for Mike Pence. There's
Speaker 1: a way out for Donald Trump. But neither one of
Speaker 1: them are gonna like it. If Pence doesn't want to
Speaker 1: testify against Trump, then Trump and Pence gotta get married.
Speaker 2: Wait, but you know a Mike Pence what.
Speaker 8: Wait wait, wait, wait, wait up, what are you talking
Speaker 8: about married?
Speaker 2: I'm talking about the law.
Speaker 1: John, You don't have to testify against your spouse. And
Speaker 1: I know what I'm talking about. I watch all the
Speaker 1: law and Orders, even the bad spinoffs.
Speaker 8: Okay, okay, but still, how can they be married? They
Speaker 8: hate each other.
Speaker 1: All married people hate each other. It's not like hating
Speaker 1: your spouse would be a big adjustment for Trump. Hell,
Speaker 1: Malania be so happy that Trump's getting married to Pens,
Speaker 1: she'd walk him down the aisle herself. Who presents this
Speaker 1: band for marriage? Mid Milania call out the Donald. And also,
Speaker 1: let's just be real about this, John Trump appiss get married.
Speaker 1: They might just end up hitting it off. Maybe they
Speaker 1: fall in love, maybe they adopt a child together. The
Speaker 1: kid grows up to be the whitest kid in history,
Speaker 1: a kid, a kid so white he can gentrify a
Speaker 1: building just by touching it. I'm talking about talking about
Speaker 1: super white. I'm talking about the kids so white that
Speaker 1: he don't even have to go to Coachella. He just
Speaker 1: summoned Coachella around him.
Speaker 6: He just.
Speaker 1: Ruy right, right, he's summing Coachella. How come on, come on,
Speaker 1: bringing on.
Speaker 8: Come on, come on, focus, focus please.
Speaker 1: My brother, please sorry, I'm sorry, man, I'm just also white.
Speaker 1: Holl These white ass cases. Look, I gotta I gotta go, dog.
Speaker 1: I need to do something black to rebalance myself. I
Speaker 1: hollered you, hey, can somebody deny me a bank loan?
Speaker 1: How you doing, sir?
Speaker 12: Hey?
Speaker 10: Well?
Speaker 8: Thank you Roy?
Speaker 3: What would you her?
Speaker 2: Everybody?
Speaker 13: Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
Speaker 13: searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcast.
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Speaker 2: on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on fairmounth plus.
Speaker 12: This has been a Comedy Central podcast