Speaker 1: Mental health is now talked about more than ever, which
Speaker 1: is awesome. I mean, I don't have to tell you
Speaker 1: that it's a primary focus of on Purpose, but on
Speaker 1: a day to day basis, many people don't know where
Speaker 1: to turn or which tools can help. Over the past
Speaker 1: couple of years, I've been working with Calm to make
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Speaker 1: Change your life. And that's the interest. And think about
Speaker 1: this idea that they weren't for you, and by the way,
Speaker 1: you weren't for them either. We often think I'm the
Speaker 1: perfect person for them. They're never going to find someone
Speaker 1: like me. Sure, they're never going to find someone like you,
Speaker 1: but you weren't the person for them either. The Number
Speaker 1: one Health and Wellness podcast said Jay Sheddy. Hey, everyone,
Speaker 1: welcome back to you on Purpose. Thank you so much
Speaker 1: for joining me. Whether you're on a walk, whether you're cooking,
Speaker 1: whether you're with a friend, whether you're driving, wherever you are,
Speaker 1: thank you for tuning in, Thanks for being here. And
Speaker 1: I'm guessing you tuned in because someone in your life
Speaker 1: sent this episode to you, or you saw the title
Speaker 1: and thought to yourself, I've been there. I'm there right now.
Speaker 1: I know how that feels. I'm here to remind you
Speaker 1: that they weren't the one for you, and that's okay.
Speaker 1: I speak to so many people every week who tell
Speaker 1: me that they thought they were so close to having
Speaker 1: found true love, having found the one to having met
Speaker 1: their partner, and for some reason it didn't work out.
Speaker 1: Some of these people had been together for years and
Speaker 1: they were waiting for this person to propose, and when
Speaker 1: they shared their ultimatum, the person walked away. Some of
Speaker 1: these people thought everything was on track until one day
Speaker 1: their partner turned around and said, I don't think this
Speaker 1: is working anymore. And for some people, they were engaged
Speaker 1: to be married and their person turned around and said,
Speaker 1: I'm not in love with you anymore. Now. All of
Speaker 1: these things are hard because you built up the belief
Speaker 1: that someone was meant for you. And what a lot
Speaker 1: of us don't realize is that we start believing someone
Speaker 1: is the one for us even before they agree or
Speaker 1: commit to it. How many of you have seen yourself
Speaker 1: future tripping. You meet someone and you're already thinking about
Speaker 1: your wedding day, You're thinking about having kids together, you're
Speaker 1: thinking about moving in, You're thinking at least three steps ahead.
Speaker 1: How many of you are feeling the pressure that the
Speaker 1: next person you meet has to be the one, must
Speaker 1: be the one, because you feel you're getting old time's ticking.
Speaker 1: We put all these artificial pressures on ourselves only to
Speaker 1: make ourselves believe that someone is our person. And when
Speaker 1: that person takes away that thought, that belief, that idea,
Speaker 1: we're often left broken and broken hearted. And I'm here
Speaker 1: to remind you that they weren't the one for you,
Speaker 1: and that's okay. They didn't want to love you, and
Speaker 1: that's okay. They didn't want to show up for you,
Speaker 1: and that's okay. They didn't want to be there for you,
Speaker 1: and that's okay because they weren't the one for you,
Speaker 1: and you're okay, and you'll be okay because you're still
Speaker 1: here for yourself, because a no from someone else doesn't
Speaker 1: have to feel like a rejection of your true self,
Speaker 1: because someone walking away from you doesn't mean you have
Speaker 1: to abandon yourself as well. And I think this is
Speaker 1: one of the biggest challenges I see, is that when
Speaker 1: someone walks away from us, when someone chooses a different route,
Speaker 1: we start to follow them on their path, wondering why
Speaker 1: they left us, not realizing that we're leaving ourselves behind
Speaker 1: as well. Don't leave yourself behind following someone else who
Speaker 1: wasn't meant for you. I want to guide you through
Speaker 1: how to deal with that heartbreak, to how to reconcile
Speaker 1: this idea that someone wasn't for you when you felt
Speaker 1: that they must have been the person for you. The
Speaker 1: first thing I want to talk about is a beautiful
Speaker 1: quote from Maya Angelou. She said, when people show you
Speaker 1: who they are, believe them. Let me say that again.
Speaker 1: Maya Angelou said, when people show you who they are,
Speaker 1: believe them. How many of you made excuses for this person.
Speaker 1: How many of you constantly created justifications for their actions, behaviors, mindsets, attitude,
Speaker 1: communication style. I mean, I could go on and on
Speaker 1: and on. How many of you would jump on the
Speaker 1: phone to your friend and your friend would say something like, yeah,
Speaker 1: they were a bit off that night, and you'd be like, oh, no,
Speaker 1: but they've got lots of stuff going on at work.
Speaker 1: Maybe even your parents said something like I'm not sure
Speaker 1: about this, and you're like, no, no, mom, you just
Speaker 1: don't understand right. Maybe you had a brother or a
Speaker 1: sister who just said, look, I can just sense that,
Speaker 1: and you stopped them. He said, no, I'll stop you
Speaker 1: right there. This is my person. A lot of us,
Speaker 1: due to ourselves, a lot of us deceived ourselves. And yes,
Speaker 1: that person may have feel like we should do that,
Speaker 1: but they didn't deceive us. We lie to ourselves about them, right,
Speaker 1: Let's really reconcile that for a second. So many of
Speaker 1: us lie about someone else in life for someone else,
Speaker 1: in order to protect them, because we're protecting why we
Speaker 1: like them. Let's just talk about that for a second.
Speaker 1: We try and protect someone's reputation because subconsciously we're trying
Speaker 1: to protect our own We're trying to protect the reason
Speaker 1: we're like them. We're trying to protect the reason we're
Speaker 1: with them, We're trying to protect the reason we feel
Speaker 1: that way. And often what I find is that we've
Speaker 1: tried to protect a perfect image of someone else, when
Speaker 1: in reality what we experience from them is completely different.
Speaker 1: But the thing is, when you repeat that pattern, when
Speaker 1: you keep protecting this perfect image of them, you start
Speaker 1: to believe that's who they are. And so when they
Speaker 1: walk away or it doesn't work out or it doesn't
Speaker 1: pan out that way, you left thinking, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: but they were so great, they loved me, they're amazing.
Speaker 1: But really, you were the one justifying. You were the
Speaker 1: one creating excuses, You were the one making it feel
Speaker 1: like it was going in the right direction. So how
Speaker 1: do we deal with this? Because that story and that
Speaker 1: narrative in our mind is intoxicating. Right, it feels great
Speaker 1: to tell ourselves that story, we found the one. It's
Speaker 1: working out. We love them, they love us. How do
Speaker 1: we not do the opposite? A lot of us experience
Speaker 1: the opposite where we get really cynical. Right, no matter
Speaker 1: what someone does, we go, oh, they're not my person.
Speaker 1: Oh no, no, they're not right for me. Oh no, no,
Speaker 1: we self sabotage. Right, So there's two sides to this coin.
Speaker 1: One side is they're the perfect person. I'm going to
Speaker 1: protect that image. The other side is they're not my person,
Speaker 1: no matter how great it is. And both of the
Speaker 1: lead to pushing people away or people walking away. And
Speaker 1: the balance view is, well, no, let me get a
Speaker 1: realistic view of what story they're telling me. They're showing
Speaker 1: me that sometimes they prioritize me and sometimes they prioritize work. Okay,
Speaker 1: am I good with that? They're showing me that actually
Speaker 1: they never prioritize me and they only prioritize work. Okay,
Speaker 1: let me make note of that. They're showing me that
Speaker 1: they value me when it's convenient. They're showing me that
Speaker 1: they love to show up for the physical intimacy and
Speaker 1: when things are great, but when things are bad, they
Speaker 1: turn away. And what you did at that time was
Speaker 1: just amplify the good, focus on the positives. Now here's
Speaker 1: the challenge, right, We're scared of becoming cynical, But then
Speaker 1: the other end is we become celebratory about all the
Speaker 1: little tiny things they do well, and we don't find
Speaker 1: that balance. That balance comes by truly taking it for
Speaker 1: what it is and observing whether we like that, whether
Speaker 1: it works for us. Number two, they never showed up
Speaker 1: when it mattered. They weren't the one for you. And
Speaker 1: that's okay because they never showed up when it mattered.
Speaker 1: Think about someone who whenever it was tough, whenever it's hard,
Speaker 1: they weren't the first person you called. They weren't the
Speaker 1: first band to be there. Actually, they found a way
Speaker 1: to duck out every time, and they had good reasons
Speaker 1: for it. Now, that's not the kind of person you
Speaker 1: want to build a life with. That's not the kind
Speaker 1: of person that you want to grow with. Because what
Speaker 1: you practice before commitment is what you receive after commitment. Right,
Speaker 1: it doesn't really change people think the big wedding day,
Speaker 1: the marriage changes behavior. It doesn't always, it rarely does.
Speaker 1: It continues as is, and if anything, it may even dissolve.
Speaker 1: Now it's harder when you look back and you think, well,
Speaker 1: they always showed up when it mattered. Maybe they helped
Speaker 1: you through a really tough time in your life. Maybe
Speaker 1: they helped you through a really difficult time, and you're
Speaker 1: thinking they must be my person. They helped me through
Speaker 1: that time. Well, maybe they were just with you to
Speaker 1: help you through that time. Maybe they were just there
Speaker 1: to guide you through that difficult time and that was
Speaker 1: their role in your life. And I know that made
Speaker 1: you believe that they must want to be around forever,
Speaker 1: that it must work out forever. But it's accepting that
Speaker 1: they actually helped you in your time of need and
Speaker 1: that was beautiful. It's not a negative thing, it's not
Speaker 1: a horrendous thing. But they were there for you when
Speaker 1: it mattered, and you can accept that, you can receive
Speaker 1: that and you can appreciate that as it is now.
Speaker 1: This third one is really interesting. They weren't the one
Speaker 1: for you, and that's okay because they told you they'd healed,
Speaker 1: but you realize they hadn't a lot of the time.
Speaker 1: Maybe you got back with an X, maybe things took
Speaker 1: youure away, maybe you got back together. Maybe this is
Speaker 1: someone that presented them in a certain way and they said, hey,
Speaker 1: I've healed, I've grown, I'm a different person now, and
Speaker 1: you thought, yes, this must be my person. They've been
Speaker 1: through a transition, they've been through a transformation. Were made
Speaker 1: for each other it's going to work out, and they
Speaker 1: weren't the one for you because they hadn't healed, And
Speaker 1: so you built up a picture of the version of
Speaker 1: themselves that they said was healed, and you imagined the
Speaker 1: life with that version. You imagined the life with that character,
Speaker 1: and that's sadly what it was. It was a character
Speaker 1: from a movie, but in reality they weren't there, So
Speaker 1: they weren't the one for you. That character was, that
Speaker 1: image was again, and so you start to notice how
Speaker 1: more often than not, the one that was for you
Speaker 1: was an image you built, or an image they built
Speaker 1: for you, and in reality they weren't the one for you.
Speaker 1: So what do you do with that information? You remind
Speaker 1: yourself that they weren't for you because it was a
Speaker 1: character they built, the version they told you they were.
Speaker 1: You recognize that, you sit with that, as uncomfortable as
Speaker 1: it is to recognize that the person you wanted to
Speaker 1: be with didn't actually exist, and it frees you from
Speaker 1: that constant daughter analysis of they were the one I
Speaker 1: know they were. They could have been that. They said it,
Speaker 1: they knew it. And this all comes back down to
Speaker 1: a realization of how we spend so much time in
Speaker 1: what if instead of what is number four? They weren't
Speaker 1: the one for you because they kept saying we can't
Speaker 1: do this, when actually what they meant is they couldn't
Speaker 1: a lot of people will say, look, I don't think
Speaker 1: this is good for us anymore. I don't think we're
Speaker 1: right for each other. I don't think we're willing to
Speaker 1: do what it takes. I don't think we have what
Speaker 1: it takes to last. They're speaking on your behalf. If
Speaker 1: you've ever had a partner who's spoken on your behalf,
Speaker 1: or use the word we to summarize their feelings, use
Speaker 1: the word us to summarize their emotions, they weren't the
Speaker 1: one for you, because what they're saying is I'm scared
Speaker 1: of acknowledging I don't have the courage to actually express
Speaker 1: how I feel. So I'm going to make it about
Speaker 1: both of us. I don't have the guts to take
Speaker 1: accountability and responsibility for how I'm feeling, and therefore I'm
Speaker 1: going to make it our feeling. And guess what, you'd
Speaker 1: read that, and you'd even think at one point, yeah,
Speaker 1: maybe I'm not cut out for this. You know what,
Speaker 1: Maybe they're right, and maybe you even reflected it on
Speaker 1: yourself and thought, maybe I'm the problem, maybe I'm the
Speaker 1: reason they feel this way, and we have to do
Speaker 1: that reflection. It can be us. There is a middle,
Speaker 1: there is a spot in between where we have to
Speaker 1: recognize that we have to take accountability, we have to
Speaker 1: recognize where we've contributed to this. But I think the
Speaker 1: mistake becomes when they're getting to choose our emotions about
Speaker 1: the relationships rather than us getting to share what they are.
Speaker 1: The reason why this one's really interesting is because their language,
Speaker 1: when you reflect on it, will show you what frequency
Speaker 1: they work on. So if your frequency is, hey, we
Speaker 1: can solve this, Hey, we can do this. Hey, let's
Speaker 1: take responsibility. Hey, let's figure it out. That's a high
Speaker 1: vibration frequency. If their frequency is we can't do this,
Speaker 1: it's never going to work out. That's a low frequency. Now,
Speaker 1: if your frequency is, hey, you need to change, you
Speaker 1: need to figure it out, that's also a low level frequency.
Speaker 1: So in the Buggert Geeta, it talks about the four
Speaker 1: types of frequency. The fourth and lowest type of frequency
Speaker 1: is and insecurity, it's where we're either scared of commitment
Speaker 1: or we like to make the other person feel scared
Speaker 1: or we exercise manipulation and control. Better than that is
Speaker 1: the frequency of passion, where we may want something for
Speaker 1: someone else. We may demand things again not good for
Speaker 1: the long term, but better than the first one. Above
Speaker 1: that is the frequency of duty, responsibility, accountability. And above
Speaker 1: that is the frequency of love and joy and connection.
Speaker 1: And often what I find in this is that we
Speaker 1: want to jump from the passionate love to the love love.
Speaker 1: We want to jump from. Here's who I want you
Speaker 1: to be too? Can we just be madly in love?
Speaker 1: And the most important step is the mode of goodness,
Speaker 1: the frequency of goodness, which is about responsibility and accountability.
Speaker 1: I find that actually those two are probably the most
Speaker 1: under talked about values in a healthy relationship. Can each
Speaker 1: of us be accountable for our own emotions, our own
Speaker 1: actions and feelings, and can we take responsibility for how
Speaker 1: they affect the other person? Can we take responsibility for
Speaker 1: re energizing, rejuvenating this relationship. Accountability and responsibility are things
Speaker 1: that they didn't have, or you didn't have for them.
Speaker 1: And that's the interesting thing about this idea that they
Speaker 1: weren't for you, and by the way, you weren't for
Speaker 1: them either. We often think I'm the perfect person for them.
Speaker 1: They're never going to find someone like me. Sure, they're
Speaker 1: never going to find someone like you, But you weren't
Speaker 1: the person for them either. Step number five. You were
Speaker 1: chasing them the whole time. You'd made up this store
Speaker 1: in your head that they were better than you, that
Speaker 1: they were the catch, that they were the one that
Speaker 1: all your friends and family would approve of, and throughout
Speaker 1: the time you were with them, and even before you
Speaker 1: got them, you were chasing them. And even when you
Speaker 1: were with them, you were chasing them. And often we
Speaker 1: chase someone before were with them. We chase someone when
Speaker 1: we're with them, and then eventually we chase them away.
Speaker 1: We're running behind someone for so long that they don't
Speaker 1: know what else to do but run away. We're running
Speaker 1: after someone for so long that they continue to run away.
Speaker 1: And the reason I'm raising that is because if you
Speaker 1: feel like you're constantly chasing someone, they're not for you.
Speaker 1: And so often we feel like, yes, I got them, Yes,
Speaker 1: like I'm just making it perfect. Yeah they get it now, like,
Speaker 1: oh I feel a bit safer now, and it's like no,
Speaker 1: your person will be peaceful, your person, you'll feel safe,
Speaker 1: and they'll feel safe, You won't feel like you're constantly
Speaker 1: chasing them only to chase them away. And I feel
Speaker 1: so many of us do that. We constantly feel, Oh,
Speaker 1: they're out in my league, or they're better than me,
Speaker 1: or better do everything to hold on to them. If
Speaker 1: you're feeling that way, they for you. They're not for you,
Speaker 1: And that's okay because you've realized, well, I shouldn't be
Speaker 1: feeling anxious and nervous and on edge and in a
Speaker 1: lower frequency of fear and insecurity if they're my person.
Speaker 1: Do I feel peaceful around them? Do I feel stable
Speaker 1: around them? Do I feel supported around them? Do I
Speaker 1: like how I feel when I'm around them? If they're
Speaker 1: making us insecure, fearful, anxious, or if that's who we
Speaker 1: are and we're not healing that, because often I find
Speaker 1: that people take their anxious skew into a relationship and
Speaker 1: reflect it even on someone stable. But hey, if I
Speaker 1: was triggered that way and I wasn't working on it,
Speaker 1: they weren't for me either. Because I've got to heal.
Speaker 1: We have to reflect on where we need to heal.
Speaker 1: As much as we keep saying they're not for us,
Speaker 1: we're not for them either, number six, They made you
Speaker 1: feel that they were aloof. If people always seemed detached, aloof,
Speaker 1: not committed, not connected, they weren't for you. And that's okay,
Speaker 1: because if someone's already detached, that detachment's only going to
Speaker 1: get stronger. There's a couple more things I want to
Speaker 1: share with you. You were more scared of being alone
Speaker 1: than you were excited about being with them. Be honest
Speaker 1: with me for a second. How many of you were
Speaker 1: in a relationship because you were just scared of being
Speaker 1: on your own. You were scared of being lonely. You
Speaker 1: were scared of being single. And if that was the
Speaker 1: case and they left, they weren't for you, because if
Speaker 1: they were for you, you'd be more excited about being
Speaker 1: with them. Then you are scared of being alone. Now
Speaker 1: we're all scared of being alone. We're all scared of
Speaker 1: being lonely. It's somewhat natural, and of course, in my
Speaker 1: book Eight Rules of Love, I talk about how you
Speaker 1: can build that into solitude. But we all want to
Speaker 1: be with someone, we want to be connected. That's okay.
Speaker 1: But what's not okay is that we're with them out
Speaker 1: of that fear and insecurity. We're with them because of
Speaker 1: that anxiety. We're with someone because of that overwhelming feeling
Speaker 1: we have of we'd be inadequate and lost without them.
Speaker 1: So it's not an excitement, it's not a positive it's
Speaker 1: a negative motivator, right, It's a negative drive that's keeping
Speaker 1: us connected to this person, and that's not for us.
Speaker 1: We don't want to be with someone because we don't
Speaker 1: want to be alone. We want to be with them
Speaker 1: because we love being with them. We enjoy their company,
Speaker 1: we engage with them, they listen to us, they make
Speaker 1: us feel seen, heard and understood. It's a really really
Speaker 1: important thing to think about. And often we keep saying, Oh,
Speaker 1: I wish they were for me. They were for me,
Speaker 1: we were so good together, But the truth is we
Speaker 1: weren't because you were just with them because you don't
Speaker 1: want to be alone. And that's a great thing to
Speaker 1: reflect on and talk to yourself about. The eighth and
Speaker 1: final step that I want and discuss with you is
Speaker 1: and a lot of people struggle with this one, is
Speaker 1: that they want their partner to open up. They want
Speaker 1: their partner to engage in conversation, but the person could
Speaker 1: never open up or prioritize meaningful conversations they couldn't prioritize
Speaker 1: the conversations that you knew were integral to the healthy
Speaker 1: heart of the relationship, and they weren't for you. I
Speaker 1: think sometimes we don't know our priorities and preferences, and
Speaker 1: when someone ticks our preferences, we make ourselves believe that
Speaker 1: they have our priorities, and we get our priorities mixed up.
Speaker 1: And I would focus the other way around. Where can
Speaker 1: we focus on our priorities more? What are the things
Speaker 1: that are important to you? And these are important things
Speaker 1: to reflect on when something ends, because when something ends,
Speaker 1: we always get focused on the beginning. When something ends,
Speaker 1: we start focusing on how things were at the start.
Speaker 1: We often even you know, maybe to protect ourselves, we
Speaker 1: hide all the things that were bad for us and
Speaker 1: the hope that things will work out once again. And
Speaker 1: I think it's so important in that moment to just say,
Speaker 1: you know what, I recognize that they weren't for me
Speaker 1: because we weren't actually getting any of this right. And
Speaker 1: the reason I'm feeling this way is because I don't
Speaker 1: want to be alone. I don't want to be single,
Speaker 1: I don't want to be lost, and I don't want
Speaker 1: to be confused. But guess what. I've said this, and
Speaker 1: I've said this before to so many people. I'll say
Speaker 1: it again. It's better to be sad and single than
Speaker 1: it is to be sad and with someone because the
Speaker 1: pain of the baggage of the commitment, the pressure of
Speaker 1: someone else's mind, the potential of thinking about family future,
Speaker 1: all of that kind of stuff's creates so much. I've
Speaker 1: had so many people say to me they had children
Speaker 1: because they were trying to save a relationship, and it
Speaker 1: only made it harder, and we make worse decisions that way.
Speaker 1: I hope this episode helps you be honest with yourself.
Speaker 1: I know that I've been direct, but I really want
Speaker 1: you to reflect on these things, and I want to
Speaker 1: thank you for listening so deeply, and please share this
Speaker 1: with a friend who might need it. Past this along,
Speaker 1: there's going to be someone in your life who's heartbroken,
Speaker 1: and hopefully this real talk guides them to their true,
Speaker 1: authentic self and realize that they weren't the one for you.
Speaker 1: And that's okay, because there is someone for you. And
Speaker 1: that's not going to be someone who's fully prepped, fully packaged,
Speaker 1: fully delivered. It's going to be the person you want
Speaker 1: to build with and they want to build with you.
Speaker 1: It's going to be the person that you're willing to
Speaker 1: put in the work with and they're willing to put
Speaker 1: in the work for you. Remember, I'm forever in your
Speaker 1: corner and I'm always rooting for you. Thanks for listening.
Speaker 1: Hey everyone, If you love that conversation, go and check
Speaker 1: out my episode with the world's leading therapist Lourie Gottlieb,
Speaker 1: where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in
Speaker 1: therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating.
Speaker 1: If you're trying to figure out that space right now,
Speaker 1: you won't want to miss this conversation. If it's a
Speaker 1: romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It
Speaker 1: actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're
Speaker 1: having the conversation. It's so lovely.