Speaker 1: Yo, real talk. People need to go to therapy to
Speaker 1: be parents really. Mhmm. Well, since we're talking about attachment
Speaker 1: styles today, I've always said I just want to be
Speaker 1: in your skin, like attached, attached, like under that first layer.
Speaker 1: Where is that the dermist layer? Dead ass? Hey, I'm
Speaker 1: Cadine and we're the ellis Is. You may know us
Speaker 1: from posting funny videos with our voice and reading each
Speaker 1: other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make
Speaker 1: you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important
Speaker 1: thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this
Speaker 1: podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,
Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the
Speaker 1: lens of a millennium married couple. Dead ass is the
Speaker 1: term that we say every day. So when we say
Speaker 1: dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth,
Speaker 1: and I think about the truth. Were about to take
Speaker 1: pillow talk to a whole new level. Dead ass starts
Speaker 1: right now. It's a very recent story. It is dealing
Speaker 1: with with Jackson. Okay, we're outside practicing basketball as we
Speaker 1: always do, and this is full transparency. Here. I am
Speaker 1: preparing my son for life. Outside of these walls. And
Speaker 1: I remember when I was playing sports, I used to
Speaker 1: get screamed, that pushed, that curse that like your coach
Speaker 1: wants to get everything out of you. But they also
Speaker 1: created adversity of practice so that the games are never
Speaker 1: too much. So when we're training, I'm going through the
Speaker 1: same process. I'm screaming, I'm cursing, I'm holleran, I'm I'm
Speaker 1: pushing him, I'm doucing everything. And I remember he got
Speaker 1: through the practice and at the end of the practice, Um,
Speaker 1: he had like tears in his eyes. And I was like, hey,
Speaker 1: come talk to me, it's the matter, and he's just like, um,
Speaker 1: you want to cry And he was just like yeah,
Speaker 1: And I was like why. He's like, you know, you
Speaker 1: just you know. He was really really hard on me.
Speaker 1: And we had a conversation for about an hour and
Speaker 1: a half. The conversation was longer than the training session,
Speaker 1: and I tried to explain to him that I am
Speaker 1: preparing him for when he goes to his first high
Speaker 1: school practice that no matter what the coach says, no
Speaker 1: matter what the fans say, no matter what your teammates say,
Speaker 1: you'll have the mental fortitude to push through and focus
Speaker 1: on what the goal is. But the only way I
Speaker 1: compare you for that is to kind of simulate that
Speaker 1: type of environment here so you learn how to go
Speaker 1: through it. And we always finished the practice with a hug.
Speaker 1: You don't want me to kiss him no more. Before
Speaker 1: used to hug him, kiss him on the top of
Speaker 1: the head, tell him I love him, But now I
Speaker 1: hug him. I tell him no kiss, right, and he's like, no,
Speaker 1: no kiss, And I still tell him I love him.
Speaker 1: But it made me realize how my interactions with my
Speaker 1: son every single day are going to frame who he
Speaker 1: is and how he responds to people in life. It
Speaker 1: also showed me that he does have the mental fortitude
Speaker 1: to get through a practice, but at the end he
Speaker 1: still needed that affirmation from me that everything was okay,
Speaker 1: because he was like, I was afraid that you were
Speaker 1: mad at me, m hm. And I was just like,
Speaker 1: I'm not mad, I'm just pushing you, so what it
Speaker 1: you know, of course it hurts people don't realize this.
Speaker 1: As a dad, you know, when your parents say it's
Speaker 1: gonna hurt me more than to hurt you. It hurts
Speaker 1: me to scream and curse and push him when he's
Speaker 1: being lazy and just be on top of him. But
Speaker 1: I feel like it's necessary, you know, And we talk
Speaker 1: about this all the time. I'm never going to be
Speaker 1: the parent that people want me to be on social
Speaker 1: media because I don't want to be a detriment to
Speaker 1: my children. So I'm going to be the parent that
Speaker 1: I have to be so they'll never see that side
Speaker 1: of me on social media. But on the podcast, I
Speaker 1: can at least tell stories about how I truly parent,
Speaker 1: and um, just looking in his eyes at the end
Speaker 1: and seeing the happiness at the end, and after going
Speaker 1: through all that, and then when I'm walking upstairs, him
Speaker 1: jumping on my bank and holding me was affirmation from
Speaker 1: me that he knows that his dad loves He ain't
Speaker 1: gonna kiss you, No, he's not. Gonnas's over kisses anymore,
Speaker 1: but just just so you know, I get kisses still,
Speaker 1: you do, mind, And I love that. So I had
Speaker 1: a couple of songs that were floating through my head.
Speaker 1: I actually told you about one, and I just thought
Speaker 1: of another one because karaoke's on you today. Just came
Speaker 1: back out with a song that I started putting on
Speaker 1: and it was cute because it's like It just makes
Speaker 1: me think of my boys and stuff like that. But
Speaker 1: also since we're talking about attachment styles and how when
Speaker 1: our children are babies up to eighteen months old is
Speaker 1: when we're really setting the tone for what their attachment
Speaker 1: style is gonna be. Like, it made me think of
Speaker 1: this song by Adele and I always you always these
Speaker 1: people who have like the range of God sing because
Speaker 1: I always have the best songs. So what I'm gonna
Speaker 1: do is I'm not gonna do my girl Adele a
Speaker 1: disservice this moment. I'm going to speak her lyrics today
Speaker 1: like it's a poem. All right, my little love, I
Speaker 1: see your eyes widen like the ocean when you look
Speaker 1: at me, so full of my emotions. I find it
Speaker 1: hard to be here. Sincerely, I know you feel lost.
Speaker 1: It's completely my fault or it's my fault completely tell
Speaker 1: me you love me. I love you a million percent.
Speaker 1: So like just little things like that, it makes me
Speaker 1: think the word of the day from k K. We
Speaker 1: heard what you say, Bay, but think about it. It
Speaker 1: just makes me think about like how you look at
Speaker 1: this child who has wide eyes that look at you
Speaker 1: with this loving relationship, and sometimes that child can be lost,
Speaker 1: and it's our fault because we're just as lost and
Speaker 1: we're just trying to figure this sh it out. But
Speaker 1: you know what, our guest today is going to help
Speaker 1: us with a little insight into these attachment styles so
Speaker 1: we can get ourselves together as parents and so we
Speaker 1: can start to break these cycles. Alright, So let's take
Speaker 1: a quick break and then come back with the guests.
Speaker 1: All right. So one thing we're gonna do on dead
Speaker 1: Ass with Caninia de Valleys. If we have a good
Speaker 1: time with the guests, we're gonna bring that person back,
Speaker 1: all right. So this person needs little introduction because I
Speaker 1: feel like she was so impactful the last time we
Speaker 1: had her on that people have been asking we need
Speaker 1: a little bit more loving from Mr de Lana. So
Speaker 1: we have back for a season seven. Delana Zimmerman. Hello, Hi,
Speaker 1: how are you? How are you great? I'm glad to
Speaker 1: hear that. I mean another year, but we all still
Speaker 1: still need I think in the new year, some help,
Speaker 1: a little loving on and we felt like you would
Speaker 1: be the perfect person to have back on to talk
Speaker 1: about attachments styles. Now we're going to need some help
Speaker 1: with this because I was just now finally catching onto
Speaker 1: the love languages, and now there's something else that we
Speaker 1: have to start thinking about it a lot. And I
Speaker 1: think it just makes sense because I think we all
Speaker 1: know someone who is a bit clingy in relationships, right,
Speaker 1: someone who gets very nervous about distance or always needs
Speaker 1: to be up under their partner. I joke and say
Speaker 1: to Devour sometimes, Delna, that sometimes I just wish I
Speaker 1: could be like under that first layer of skin, Like
Speaker 1: I just want to be in your skin sometimes, and
Speaker 1: the other times I'm just like far away. She don't
Speaker 1: be joking, she'd be serious. Every time I'm being ready
Speaker 1: to go, she's like, so, so where are we going?
Speaker 1: Are we going together? Are going nowhere? I'm going to
Speaker 1: the bathroom. I'm coming with you. Or you might just
Speaker 1: know someone who seems to be more careless when it
Speaker 1: comes to relationships, right, They might quickly move from one
Speaker 1: relationship to another. Well, what if we told you that
Speaker 1: these characteristics are developed by a person as young as
Speaker 1: eighteen months old? Yikes? Now we have, as you know,
Speaker 1: four boys, right, Delena, So three of them already far gone.
Speaker 1: If we're looking at eighteen months where we have hope
Speaker 1: with Dakota, our news baby, so attachment styles are a
Speaker 1: person's specific way of relating to others in relationships. Right,
Speaker 1: A person's attachment style is shaped and developed an early
Speaker 1: childhood and our thought to mirror the relationships so we've
Speaker 1: had with our caregivers as children and infants. So today
Speaker 1: we're gonna talk to Delena Zimmom and more about the
Speaker 1: specific attachment styles, what they are, and how we can
Speaker 1: use them to build maintain healthy relationships with ourselves and
Speaker 1: with others. So, Delena, how are you? I'm great and
Speaker 1: I'm so happy we're having this conversation. I agree, I agree,
Speaker 1: So let's dive right in. Um, what are these specific
Speaker 1: attachment styles, how are they developed, and how do they
Speaker 1: show up in relationships? You can unpack that for us. Well,
Speaker 1: that's a lot. So let's just think about you said, Um,
Speaker 1: it starts in childhood, right, it starts in infancy, and
Speaker 1: although we were there, we don't have the exact memory
Speaker 1: of it, right, So, but it shaped us and so UM,
Speaker 1: I think when we become a certain age, we don't
Speaker 1: really think of ourselves as an infant anymore, that we
Speaker 1: actually pass through that phase. But if you think about it,
Speaker 1: there were exchanges and transactions of attachment, there was attachment behavior,
Speaker 1: there were hugs and infant needs, and an infant um
Speaker 1: primarily like um, instinctually knows that its needs are going
Speaker 1: to be met. However, if you're in an environment or
Speaker 1: you have a primary caregiver that doesn't have the capacity
Speaker 1: to meet your need or maybe distracted or insensitive or
Speaker 1: dropped for that matter, and doesn't have the ability to
Speaker 1: meet the needs of the child, the child becomes helpless
Speaker 1: and hopeless. Rage occurs in the infant, and the infant
Speaker 1: draws the conclusion that I'm not good, my mother is
Speaker 1: not good, and I'm not safe. And so actually, in
Speaker 1: the first year of life, first eighteen months of life,
Speaker 1: the child develops its trust or mistrust of its environment.
Speaker 1: So just kind of hold that for a minute, just
Speaker 1: think about that. And people who had who have insecure
Speaker 1: attachments and their childhood often pass it on to their children.
Speaker 1: Mm hm. So let's just I just want to start
Speaker 1: their foundationally mm hmmm. Right, So pretty much what you're
Speaker 1: saying is it's our responsibility as parents in the first
Speaker 1: eighteen months to teach our children that it's okay to
Speaker 1: trust people and trust themselves. And the only way to
Speaker 1: do that is to meet their needs. So culturally, sometimes
Speaker 1: children don't get their needs met because of let's say
Speaker 1: economic situations. I can't have a spoiled baby, so I
Speaker 1: let the baby learn how to cry it out. And
Speaker 1: I was thinking of that or how that correlates to it.
Speaker 1: Or you think about the maternity leave that women are
Speaker 1: given in America six weeks most places, So in six weeks,
Speaker 1: what kind of relationship are you developing with your baby
Speaker 1: when you may have to then put this baby in
Speaker 1: daycare or have this baby cared for by a nanny
Speaker 1: or babysitter or family member. So that really just thinks
Speaker 1: about how impactful that time is. How do you feel
Speaker 1: about that cry it out real quick? Because we're kind
Speaker 1: of at that phase only it right now, in this
Speaker 1: moment where we're debating on the whole sleep training and
Speaker 1: when that comes into past, when that should happen. What
Speaker 1: are your thoughts on that. It's a balancing act. You know,
Speaker 1: there's no one answer um, soothing the child without picking
Speaker 1: the child up is one thing you can do as well,
Speaker 1: right so maybe patting the back acknowledging. I know you
Speaker 1: feel restless right now. I know you're uncomfortable because if
Speaker 1: the child is fit and the child is dry, and
Speaker 1: the child just you know, and maybe there it requires cuddling,
Speaker 1: and you love and hug and secure the child. There's
Speaker 1: that word security, right, You secure the child and then
Speaker 1: you give the child your opportunity to learn a self
Speaker 1: suit mhm. You know what's funny. I just saw a
Speaker 1: meme the other day that talked about how from slavery
Speaker 1: there was no mental health concerns about slaves after you
Speaker 1: release them. After Jim Crow South. If you think about
Speaker 1: all of the abandonment issues that people had developed through
Speaker 1: our culture, from being ripped from their parents and being
Speaker 1: forced to cry it out or dealing with violence or
Speaker 1: pain as a way to teach lessons, it kind of
Speaker 1: makes you realize how we as a culture have continued
Speaker 1: to be sick because of all of these you know,
Speaker 1: abandonment issues that we then passed down to the next
Speaker 1: generation because that's all we know. Am I Right? You
Speaker 1: are right? Much of what happens culturally has a lot
Speaker 1: to do with the descendants of the enslaved. No, we
Speaker 1: just take one attachment insecure attachment style, which to the
Speaker 1: point you're making devout is called dismissive or avoid it.
Speaker 1: It's an insecure attachment. So if you were raised to
Speaker 1: be strong and move on, grow up, deal with it.
Speaker 1: If that's sort of like your family can happen capacity
Speaker 1: for emotion, whether it was good emotion or negative emotion,
Speaker 1: you were taught to stuff it. That individual grows up
Speaker 1: not feeling u that they that they're feelings matter, that
Speaker 1: they can trust the environment, that they can trust the
Speaker 1: family with their emotions, so they learn how to stuff it.
Speaker 1: What does this person look like as an adult? Oftentimes
Speaker 1: they're in control, they're confident, they do well in the world.
Speaker 1: They have, you know, lots of friends and their social
Speaker 1: and they have lots of lovers. When it's time to connect,
Speaker 1: when it's time to become intimate and vulnerable, they start
Speaker 1: backing off. They start getting annoyed and agitated by your
Speaker 1: breathing and you know the color of your finger nails,
Speaker 1: you know that right? Wow? So that was which one
Speaker 1: which starts out as a child, they call it avoided
Speaker 1: and child attachment, But as you become an adult, as
Speaker 1: becomes more it's called dismissive a void. Wow. You know
Speaker 1: what's funny that that sounds like how we raise our
Speaker 1: young men like That's how I was raised too. You know,
Speaker 1: no one can see you be hurt. You don't cry.
Speaker 1: You know, if you have an issue, you learn how
Speaker 1: To's a thing I tell I tell us to my
Speaker 1: boys all the time. You have to learn how to
Speaker 1: self soothe. You know. We we talk about sharing our emotions,
Speaker 1: but you don't realize how some of the things that
Speaker 1: you have learned growing up can create those attributes. Because
Speaker 1: a lot of things you just described described how I
Speaker 1: was when we first met a lot of friends. I
Speaker 1: was never into just being with one woman. It was
Speaker 1: always a bunch of people. And the minute I got
Speaker 1: close with someone, it was like all right, onto the
Speaker 1: next you know. But but that goes back to being
Speaker 1: raised to take my feelings, keep it inside, don't share
Speaker 1: my feelings with anybody else, you know. And that took
Speaker 1: a turn when I came along and he was like, oh,
Speaker 1: she's the one. That's how a romantic relationship can. Then
Speaker 1: maybe if it's the right person or the right timing,
Speaker 1: does that affect how your attachment style changes? Well with
Speaker 1: if we just take this one in particular, the person
Speaker 1: thinks highly of themselves or you know, has a positive
Speaker 1: thought about themselves, but not necessarily a positive thought about
Speaker 1: other people. So when that changes, then you have the
Speaker 1: ability right to feel more secure when you connect and
Speaker 1: more with you know, being vulnerable. So he began to
Speaker 1: see that people weren't so scary. That's really what it was.
Speaker 1: You came back when there was an opening. Ah, Now
Speaker 1: that makes that makes a lot of sense. It really
Speaker 1: does make a lot of sense because once I realized
Speaker 1: that you were going to sound crazy but worthy of
Speaker 1: my time and trust, then I started to open up
Speaker 1: and say, you know it, this isn't as bad. But
Speaker 1: remember at first when you were just like I love
Speaker 1: you and I was like thanks, I didn't know what
Speaker 1: to say. You know. I was just kind of like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is moving too fast. And I fought it for
Speaker 1: a long time. I was like, this ain't what I want.
Speaker 1: I don't want a girlfriend. I want to be able
Speaker 1: to explore. And it wasn't until I trusted that you
Speaker 1: were of super value that I was like, let's do this.
Speaker 1: I also wonder does this or maybe Delana you can
Speaker 1: speak to this. Does that happen at maybe transitional points
Speaker 1: in people's lives, Because when I came along and we met,
Speaker 1: he was leaving high school, transitioning into college. So it's
Speaker 1: like a new environment, new goals, new things happening in life.
Speaker 1: So are people more I guess, open to or susceptible
Speaker 1: to changing their attachment style depending on maybe a traditional
Speaker 1: transitional time in life. Potentially, I mean, you know, everyone's
Speaker 1: an individual, you know, so potentially, But some people live
Speaker 1: their whole lives and never trust. I remember we're talking
Speaker 1: about trust or mistrust that was established in the first
Speaker 1: year of life. You're shaped that way, and so if
Speaker 1: you continue to have experiences that prove that people are untrustworthy,
Speaker 1: then it begins to affirm the mistrust concept and you
Speaker 1: never open yourself. And what makes this so painful is
Speaker 1: because this person wants to love. This person is a
Speaker 1: human being. They want to feel connected, they want to love,
Speaker 1: but they find resources like women that they can plug into,
Speaker 1: or men that they can plug into sexually, or people
Speaker 1: who will tolerate a piece of my love, so they
Speaker 1: never get to evolve. Oh, you know, it's crazy. I've
Speaker 1: always felt like I had some abandonment issues because remember
Speaker 1: when my parents used to take us to Tennessee and
Speaker 1: leave for eight weeks. I did not trust people because
Speaker 1: my parents would we would go to sleep at night
Speaker 1: and then wake up and my parents would be gone.
Speaker 1: And I remember, from like my earliest childhood memories waking
Speaker 1: up running out of the room and my parents not
Speaker 1: being there, and I'll be like, what where my dad?
Speaker 1: With my mom? And I remember my name have been like,
Speaker 1: oh they left. They went back to New York, and
Speaker 1: I was like, damn, they ain't even say bye, like
Speaker 1: and I remember feeling like like you can't trust nobody,
Speaker 1: like people just leave you. But but it never resonated
Speaker 1: that it was going to make me into an adult
Speaker 1: that did that to other people you couldn't have known.
Speaker 1: But I want to add to that, people who love
Speaker 1: you leave you. Mm hmm m. That's true. People who
Speaker 1: love you leave you. Because it was my parents. Dang,
Speaker 1: I ain't even realize how much that created the person
Speaker 1: I am today because it but it. But in a way,
Speaker 1: it did make me this independent person that I only
Speaker 1: trusted myself. It made me confident because I felt like
Speaker 1: I made through things on my own. So now I
Speaker 1: know I don't have to trust nobody. I can make
Speaker 1: it through life my own. Wait, so you say people
Speaker 1: who love you leave you, what does that mean? Because
Speaker 1: to me, that's well, that's what That's what I told myself.
Speaker 1: People who love you leave you like that's that's how
Speaker 1: it felt like, Well damn when I ain't going nowhere
Speaker 1: is how does that work? Well, that's we talked about
Speaker 1: the change. What are the other three? Well, the other
Speaker 1: three there's only one secure attachment and it's called secure
Speaker 1: secure autonomy. So that's that's one. That's the one that's
Speaker 1: our goal. And you can change your attachment like it
Speaker 1: can improve, you can earn higher attachment. Are all of
Speaker 1: our goals are secure attachment? Okay. The other one is preoccupied, anxious,
Speaker 1: preoccupied and this one was also called ambivalent for children. Okay,
Speaker 1: so um, this one is where there's an inconsistency with
Speaker 1: the caregiver. And so I'll give an example. So, um,
Speaker 1: when you're a little kid, maybe you touch the ash
Speaker 1: tray and I know I'm aging myself by even saying
Speaker 1: there's an ashtray on the table. So maybe you grab
Speaker 1: the ashtray and your mom says, oh, baby, don't touch
Speaker 1: that astray. Oh she's so cute. She's growing up. She's
Speaker 1: touching you know, she's she can grab things now. And
Speaker 1: then the next week the baby has registered this love
Speaker 1: from touching the ashtray. So the baby touches the ashtray again,
Speaker 1: and this time mom says, I've told you don't touch
Speaker 1: that ashtray. Get over there, stop touching stuff. So it
Speaker 1: creates a confusion. The child experienced praise by touching the
Speaker 1: ashtray once and then experience discipline or um, you know,
Speaker 1: like sharpness when they touched the ashtray. So the child
Speaker 1: doesn't know what they're gonna get from this parent. Now,
Speaker 1: sometimes I get praise and sometimes I get punishment for
Speaker 1: the same thing, and it creates this preoccupied person with relationships.
Speaker 1: Seeing attachment is based on this experiment they did call
Speaker 1: the strange situation. They put a child, a one year
Speaker 1: old child in the room with the parents. The parent
Speaker 1: left the room, the mother left the room, and a
Speaker 1: stranger came into the room. And so what they did
Speaker 1: was noticed the child's interaction with the stranger, and then
Speaker 1: they noticed the child's interaction when the mother came back.
Speaker 1: And based on the child's reaction to when the mother
Speaker 1: came back was how they came up with this attachment theories. Okay,
Speaker 1: so this pretty occupied kid, it's happy to see the mother,
Speaker 1: but does it. You know, clings to the mother but
Speaker 1: won't give her eye contact because he doesn't know what
Speaker 1: the mother is gonna do when the mother comes back.
Speaker 1: It creates a person that needs the relationship, clingy, holding
Speaker 1: on for dear life, you know, obsessed with relationship, jealous
Speaker 1: as an adult, Yeah, this is the one right here,
Speaker 1: This is the one that's deep. But but that means
Speaker 1: that we gotta be system without children, Like we have
Speaker 1: to be consistent because if you're not consistent with children,
Speaker 1: they will always grow up in the world and be unsure,
Speaker 1: especially about relationships. Because I think about how just as
Speaker 1: a as a human being, you have a day where
Speaker 1: it's like, shoot, if the baby touches the bowl, you're
Speaker 1: just like, oh, baby, don't touch that. And then they
Speaker 1: catch you on the wrong day or with the fuse
Speaker 1: and it's just like, damn, didn't I tell you to
Speaker 1: do that. I am guilty of that. As a parent,
Speaker 1: I'm definitely moments like that. Yeah. Remember the child has
Speaker 1: to perceive it though, So it's what the child perceives
Speaker 1: what you can't control. Yeah, So don't walk on eggshells.
Speaker 1: Just do what you gotta do. You know, you're a
Speaker 1: good enough mother and a good enough father. Everybody needs
Speaker 1: to know that. But we also need to be have
Speaker 1: a global perspective. That's how we're impacting their children. We
Speaker 1: can't be careless. We have to be intentional and mindful
Speaker 1: or interacting with children and each other. It's a lot.
Speaker 1: That's a lot. That's a huge responsibility for human in right,
Speaker 1: which makes you wonder how people just be out here
Speaker 1: having kids and not thinking about how these kids are
Speaker 1: going to be affected by your actions. And even when
Speaker 1: you're trying your hardest to do things the right way,
Speaker 1: it seems like you're still gonna have a misstep. And
Speaker 1: then having multiple children with multiple personalities and who register
Speaker 1: things differently, there's like a lot of style stepping that
Speaker 1: we felt like we have to do on a day
Speaker 1: to day basis with the kids. You know, the way
Speaker 1: they received information and wow, all right, so that's secure.
Speaker 1: We have anxious? Uh, then we had avoidant, was it?
Speaker 1: And then there's one more this one it's called fearful,
Speaker 1: anxious and um and childhood is called disorganized. And so
Speaker 1: if we go back to that experiment and the mother
Speaker 1: comes back in the room and the kid just sort
Speaker 1: of freezes, it didn't fit into the categories stuff ambivalent,
Speaker 1: It didn't fit into the category of you know, preoccupied.
Speaker 1: It didn't fit there. So this child is abused. This
Speaker 1: child is emotionally abused, physically abused, are sexually abused. This
Speaker 1: child has to get its needs meant by someone that
Speaker 1: they're afraid of. And this child grows up and it's
Speaker 1: fine in some cases. Some cases it's got a big
Speaker 1: booby you understand, and you meet them, and this person
Speaker 1: struggles to be intimate. This person struggles to be vulnerable.
Speaker 1: They're afraid of people. Wow, man, that so this reminds
Speaker 1: me of also growing up Southern Baptists, getting your ass
Speaker 1: whipped all the time and growing up and being afraid
Speaker 1: of people because you constantly got beat But I mean
Speaker 1: you took it and stuff further, even if it's not
Speaker 1: physical abuse, getting verbally abused or even psychologically abused like that,
Speaker 1: fear everything is fear. So from the time a child
Speaker 1: is super young, if you use fear as a way
Speaker 1: to control them, even if it's not physical abuse, they
Speaker 1: can grow up with so many different issues. They're hard
Speaker 1: to soothe. You know, Alcoholism is here, drug addiction is here.
Speaker 1: They struggle to open up. They don't feel safe in
Speaker 1: the world. They're always looking for the next negative thing
Speaker 1: to happen. Right, So how is it an adult because
Speaker 1: I know these are embedded as children, and how is
Speaker 1: it Is it possible to change this style as adult?
Speaker 1: Is it possible or do they just require everyone go
Speaker 1: see de Lena to help them change? Just why no
Speaker 1: one got out of their childhood unscathed? No one? Right now,
Speaker 1: even the secure attached person doesn't mean that they didn't
Speaker 1: experience abandonment. So think about this. The secure person and
Speaker 1: believes they have a positive idea about themselves, they have
Speaker 1: a positive idea about other people, and they also have
Speaker 1: a positive idea about their childhood. Okay, so you can
Speaker 1: be ambivalent, you can be preoccupied, You can be these
Speaker 1: various things because of your experience in the first year
Speaker 1: of your life. But you can also evolve and transcend
Speaker 1: and become more right because you now are taking responsibility
Speaker 1: for the issues you're causing in your life. I think
Speaker 1: the most important thing is for everybody to look at
Speaker 1: themselves as opposed to looking at the partner. What it
Speaker 1: me needs to change? Why do I keep having the
Speaker 1: same relationship with the face has changed? Right, So we
Speaker 1: have to look at ourselves and so what do I do?
Speaker 1: What needs to happen or there needs to be You
Speaker 1: need either need to talk to somebody who you trust.
Speaker 1: You need to learn how to be honest with people
Speaker 1: as opposed to be in a victim of everything that
Speaker 1: has occurred. You're not a child anymore. However, you have
Speaker 1: an opportunity to reparent yourself. That's what therapy with at
Speaker 1: least therapy with me, that's what it teaches you to
Speaker 1: read parent yourself. So you want to have a positive
Speaker 1: outlook on yourself and on others and on your childhood.
Speaker 1: So you can have been abandoned and still have a
Speaker 1: positive outlook on your child Learn from your experience, see
Speaker 1: how it has built resiliency and grit grit in your life. Now,
Speaker 1: be grateful for the things that you've been through, like
Speaker 1: that's how you grow into that. You know. I feel
Speaker 1: like that's been us, both of us, because I can
Speaker 1: look back at my childhood now and say I think
Speaker 1: these things affected me negatively. But I can also look
Speaker 1: back at my childhood and say I wouldn't be who
Speaker 1: I am if I didn't go through these certain things,
Speaker 1: Like if I didn't have to if my parents both
Speaker 1: didn't have to work, and I didn't have to be
Speaker 1: dropped to my aunt wheezy house early in the morning
Speaker 1: and take the bus to school or have to take
Speaker 1: the bus back. Those things when I was younger affected
Speaker 1: me because other people got picked up from school. But
Speaker 1: now when I look back in my life, I'm like,
Speaker 1: it made me so much more independent, you know, and
Speaker 1: it and it gave me so many different gifts. Having
Speaker 1: to rely on other people taught me how to move
Speaker 1: in different rooms. That's how I view my childhood. I
Speaker 1: never look at my childhood like my parents fucked me up,
Speaker 1: you know, I'd never looked like that. To me, it
Speaker 1: was always thank you. But when you explain the way
Speaker 1: those attachments can affect you, I can see also how
Speaker 1: I've had issues, especially with relationships early on. That's funny
Speaker 1: that you mentioned that, because we just had this conversation actually, Delanna,
Speaker 1: with our oldest son where Devout felt like, you know what,
Speaker 1: I have to try to create some adversity in his life,
Speaker 1: and you know how am I going to be able
Speaker 1: to do that? Because like with me, when I was younger,
Speaker 1: I used to take the bus to and from school
Speaker 1: and I used to have to pay my brother when
Speaker 1: I was eight years old and bring him home and
Speaker 1: you know, be pretty much like a parent until my
Speaker 1: parents got home. So it's funny you say that because
Speaker 1: it makes me think of like how we're trying to, um,
Speaker 1: not have our children feel like everything is going to
Speaker 1: be handed to them. We want them, of course, to
Speaker 1: feel secure and feel loved, but how do we put
Speaker 1: some level of adversity into their lives so they know that,
Speaker 1: like this is just not the world where we have
Speaker 1: you here in this home. You're going to deal with
Speaker 1: issues in the world. Don't worry about it. They're going
Speaker 1: to grow up and be ungrateful and I don't know,
Speaker 1: don't worry about it. You know, like just lower you'll
Speaker 1: cross that bridge. It won't be attachment though. Like the
Speaker 1: hope is that even if they are entitled and I'm grateful,
Speaker 1: that they will be able to have healthy relationships with
Speaker 1: people and feel attached to their friends, because this affects
Speaker 1: how people show up socially as well who they are.
Speaker 1: You know, um, you won't be able to curb it.
Speaker 1: I've learned that can't curve at all. You know, I
Speaker 1: have some entitled children of my own. And it's a trip. No, no,
Speaker 1: thank you for saying that, because I'm sitting here. If
Speaker 1: you're looking at me right now, I look kind of lost.
Speaker 1: I'm sitting here trying to figure out thing. I don't
Speaker 1: want them to be avoidant. I don't want them to
Speaker 1: be fearful, you know. I want them to be secure,
Speaker 1: but I don't want them to be spoiled. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: how like, as a parent, what is the formula to
Speaker 1: raise the most perfectly secure human? And I'm trying to
Speaker 1: think about it, and I like, I don't know. We
Speaker 1: love themselves and because if you think about them, what
Speaker 1: the preoccupied person? Right, they have a low value of
Speaker 1: themselves and a high value of others, so they feel
Speaker 1: needy and so they don't necessarily love themselves. I don't
Speaker 1: think any parent can teach their child is to have
Speaker 1: a self love practice, to love themselves and to realize
Speaker 1: that God is not in the sky far far away
Speaker 1: from them, but that God exists within them, so they
Speaker 1: always have access to their source. M That I think
Speaker 1: that's key. I see. I feel good about that, because
Speaker 1: if there's one thing I teach my boys, it's to
Speaker 1: love themselves. I always speaks words of affirmation to them.
Speaker 1: I tell them to speak words of affirmation to themselves
Speaker 1: because I do think that that's important. So at least
Speaker 1: I know I'm doing one thing right. But but I will.
Speaker 1: I will admit though when I walk in the room,
Speaker 1: depending on my aura, my kids look afraid, Like like
Speaker 1: if I'm being honest, when Dad walks in the room,
Speaker 1: if my voice is a certain tone, they do look
Speaker 1: up and they're just like, oh right. Or even if
Speaker 1: I in a moment maybe scolding them about something, the
Speaker 1: first thing they do is look for you, or they
Speaker 1: look at you, and I'm like, I'm not I'm talking
Speaker 1: to you, not in it. But they're looking to see
Speaker 1: what Dad's gonna think or how Dad's going to react
Speaker 1: to them in that moment, maybe doing something then that
Speaker 1: they're not supposed to be doing. So remember, attachment affects
Speaker 1: you and then it affects your parenting. Right, so you're
Speaker 1: going to translate what you have. You can't transmit what
Speaker 1: you don't have. You can only transmit what you have.
Speaker 1: So of course the children are going to be concerned about, right,
Speaker 1: what you learned, How did your family translate when you
Speaker 1: were in trouble. Yeah, so it's okay, it's okay. They
Speaker 1: need to know the sound of the leader, male figure
Speaker 1: in the home. They need to respect that, they need
Speaker 1: to see. That's that's important because you hear a lot
Speaker 1: of stories or things about parents who are turning into
Speaker 1: this new wave of parenting. And we had we had
Speaker 1: someone on and they talked about soft parenting, gential parenting,
Speaker 1: and as a traditional parent, you know, growing up in
Speaker 1: the South that was spoiled, spare the rod, spoiled the child. Now,
Speaker 1: we don't hit our kids like, that's not that's not
Speaker 1: something that we we agree to subscribe to. Um. The
Speaker 1: only time I hit my kids is if one of
Speaker 1: my kids hit another one of my kids. It's like
Speaker 1: I have to show you then I'm going to protect you.
Speaker 1: So if anybody hits anybody, y'all getting hit by daddy
Speaker 1: and retaliation. Other than that, we kind of keep our
Speaker 1: hands off our children. But the fear factor does scare
Speaker 1: me sometimes when I walk in the room, because I
Speaker 1: never wanted my kids to fear me, you know, I
Speaker 1: always wanted to respect me in my presence. But sometimes
Speaker 1: I'll talk to Jack's and he'll just be looking and
Speaker 1: I'm like, you don't ever get hit? Why are you flinching? Like?
Speaker 1: What what is happening here? He feels, And so it's
Speaker 1: okay to stay firm with him and also to follow
Speaker 1: that firmness up with love. So you're a firm and
Speaker 1: I love you and this, but I'm not taking your ship.
Speaker 1: You understand, And we all learn self discipline and you
Speaker 1: will learn to manage yourself and govern yourself. And a
Speaker 1: person that loves themselves doesn't do that. You're teaching them principles.
Speaker 1: I like that. See, I like that because you can't
Speaker 1: walk through life just floating around thinking everybody just gonna
Speaker 1: go with your pace. No, but you have to know
Speaker 1: you can't absolutely wow. So the word attachment in itself, Delina,
Speaker 1: just has I think for most like a stigma or
Speaker 1: can we be a negative connotation around it? So how
Speaker 1: can we view attachment as a good thing rather than
Speaker 1: a burden? Seeing as though everybody has some sort of
Speaker 1: attachment style, well everybody, every human being. We didn't come
Speaker 1: to this planet to do this thing by ourselves. We
Speaker 1: came to this planet to be in relationship with each other.
Speaker 1: The way that I know myself and I love myself
Speaker 1: and I deliver. My purpose is based on my relationship
Speaker 1: to the world. So attachment is the same as relationship
Speaker 1: you attached to other people, whether it's whatever level it
Speaker 1: may be. But you can only attach to the cadence
Speaker 1: and the rhythm and the energy of your first year
Speaker 1: of life. So how do you want to be in
Speaker 1: relationships with people? Relationships are synonymous connection unity, so there
Speaker 1: is no negative connotation. It's just a theory. The theorists
Speaker 1: came up with the word attachment. How does the child
Speaker 1: attached to the object the primary relationship? And so how
Speaker 1: you were attached to that mother who loved you potentially
Speaker 1: loved you right but had her own issues, but had
Speaker 1: her own attachment style will determine how you attached to
Speaker 1: your husband, your best friend, your employer, your boo, your
Speaker 1: favorite person. Have you and this is what I asked
Speaker 1: you know, the audience is that don't you know what
Speaker 1: it feels like to be in front of the person
Speaker 1: that is your person but not have the ability to
Speaker 1: behave in a way that makes the relationship viable, sustainable,
Speaker 1: and effective. Mhm. I'm not gonna lie to you. My
Speaker 1: mind is going right now because I'm going back in
Speaker 1: my mind and thinking about all the things I've done
Speaker 1: to my kids as a parent, and I just do
Speaker 1: not want to mess my kids up. But everything you're
Speaker 1: saying is is like it's true. You know. I do
Speaker 1: sit in front of you sometimes and wonder like, is
Speaker 1: she like this because of the where her parents were?
Speaker 1: Am I responding to her like this because of the
Speaker 1: way my parents were? And what could my parents have
Speaker 1: done differently? You know, we definitely are aware of that.
Speaker 1: I mean, you talk about how your relationship with your
Speaker 1: mom in turn made you look for certain things and
Speaker 1: and and then it also deal you deal with me
Speaker 1: in a kind of way where you're like, well, my
Speaker 1: mom and my dad did that, or my mom did
Speaker 1: that to my dad, So my wife is not doing
Speaker 1: that to me because I saw how that hurt my dad.
Speaker 1: Like We've had many of moments like that, you know,
Speaker 1: and vice versa. Like I wasn't exposed to this because
Speaker 1: I didn't see my parents do it. So now I
Speaker 1: had to learn how to be of service to you
Speaker 1: in that capacity because I've never seen it or experienced it.
Speaker 1: This conversation is very evolved. I want to say the
Speaker 1: fact that we're even seeking answers to our behaviors and
Speaker 1: addressing the internal um i'll say, reactions that we're having,
Speaker 1: you know, like you two can see each other. A
Speaker 1: child needs to be seen right. A child needs to
Speaker 1: feel valued. A child needs to know that their needs
Speaker 1: will be meant. Most importantly, a child needs to have
Speaker 1: the ability to make mistakes right and learn in an
Speaker 1: environment that's safe. And so that's what you too have
Speaker 1: to give your sons. But it sounds like that's what
Speaker 1: you two are giving each other, right, Yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely, Atlanta,
Speaker 1: that you hit the nail on the head with that
Speaker 1: one so often now in our relationship years later, where
Speaker 1: my first instinct would have been to defend myself or
Speaker 1: to point out where I know Cadeen is wrong, now
Speaker 1: it's like, let me understand what she's saying, let me
Speaker 1: see even if I don't agree, if I could at
Speaker 1: least understand her perspective and try to meet her wherever
Speaker 1: she is. That was not happening when we first got married,
Speaker 1: or even when we first dated. It was always I
Speaker 1: gotta prove that I'm right so that I can win,
Speaker 1: or at least show her that I know what I'm
Speaker 1: talking about. Now I don't really care about that it's
Speaker 1: more about let me see where where I could have
Speaker 1: been wrong and making her feel away, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. And I'm still working on that part because
Speaker 1: sometimes I feel like I need him to understand my
Speaker 1: intention when I either say something or do something or
Speaker 1: there's an action that I performed that he doesn't like,
Speaker 1: and instead of me saying, Okay, I acknowledge the way
Speaker 1: this made you feel, in turn, I'm just like, well,
Speaker 1: that's not the way I intended it. That was not
Speaker 1: what I was seeking to do. This is the first
Speaker 1: time she's admitted that like this is wow, Wow, we
Speaker 1: had a breakthrough. How much you charge? This is the
Speaker 1: first time she's ever admitted that, I'm shocked. So my
Speaker 1: aim knowing that that is something that bothers him greatly
Speaker 1: is for me to say, all right, Conneen, this may
Speaker 1: not have been your attention, this may not have been
Speaker 1: the way that you expected this to go, but here's
Speaker 1: how it made him feel. So let's focus on that first,
Speaker 1: and then we can you can say to yourself, well girl,
Speaker 1: that's that how you meant it. But right so, oh
Speaker 1: h that you have no idea how many years I've
Speaker 1: been trying to explain that very thing to her, Codeine,
Speaker 1: it's not about what you intended. It still made me
Speaker 1: feel away and the style. I just wondering if it's
Speaker 1: just me feeling fearful of disappointing my parents. Maybe so
Speaker 1: I always felt like everything I did I had to
Speaker 1: have a reason to explain why I did it, and
Speaker 1: I needed you to understand why I did it because
Speaker 1: I felt like I'm not crazy in this moment. I
Speaker 1: was very well thought out and why I did what
Speaker 1: I did. But I was very fearful of disappointing my parents.
Speaker 1: Growing up in a really strict West Indian household. It's
Speaker 1: like you want to make sure that the last thing
Speaker 1: you do is disappoint your family, and not just your parents,
Speaker 1: but your extended family. And I was the first grandchild,
Speaker 1: the first niece, the first daughter, so there was this
Speaker 1: pressure I felt growing up not wanting to disappoint and
Speaker 1: sounds preoccupied. Yeah, and uh. And it's like you strive
Speaker 1: for its self acceptance, to validation. Yeah. And you don't
Speaker 1: want to feel not good enough in those situations. You
Speaker 1: don't want him to see you in any imperfection. Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: I'm feeling your body and it's overwhelming. It's not a
Speaker 1: new feeling, it's a virtual Yeah. Yeah, yeah, absolutely that
Speaker 1: Wow is it? Yeah? Do you have the baby crying too?
Speaker 1: But oh my god. Yes, there's this perfection, this level
Speaker 1: of perfection that I strive to and it's almost embarrassing
Speaker 1: for me to feel like I'm not living up to
Speaker 1: that as a wife or as a mom. Wow. See, Delayne,
Speaker 1: every time you come, we have a different type of breakthrough.
Speaker 1: So this this is what we're gonna do. We're gonna
Speaker 1: have to take a quick break really quick. So I
Speaker 1: know Delna has a heart out. We have some listener
Speaker 1: letters that typically we try our best to answer to
Speaker 1: listen letters. Since we have a professional we would were
Speaker 1: wondering if you would listen to them and try to
Speaker 1: point out what kind of attachment this person happens. So
Speaker 1: we're gonna take a quick break, come back and go
Speaker 1: through the liking a letter sounds good? It sounds good.
Speaker 1: All right, Now we're back after our break. Of course,
Speaker 1: we're with DELANEA Zimmerman. Coincidentally, my family is from down South.
Speaker 1: Their last name is Zimmerman as well. Did we have
Speaker 1: that conversation. Yes, the Zimmerman is the ellis Is and
Speaker 1: the Zimmerman's Yeah, Black Zimmerman's Yeah from down South. We
Speaker 1: have to do some research, so here we go. Number one.
Speaker 1: I have been in a relationship for almost two years
Speaker 1: now with this amazing person. He's had some bad experiences
Speaker 1: with girls and family, which caused him to be very
Speaker 1: csed off. He doesn't like to communicate unless he gets mad,
Speaker 1: unless it all out in a bad way. We have
Speaker 1: been through so much and recently got stuck at a
Speaker 1: wall that we need to climb over together. However, sometimes
Speaker 1: I feel as if I'm the only one willing to
Speaker 1: fight to continue this relationship. I know he is an
Speaker 1: amazing person, but all the heart and pain from the
Speaker 1: previous relationship is causing him and I had to clash
Speaker 1: more than it is allowing us to grow and build
Speaker 1: an empire. I love him, I want nothing but happiness
Speaker 1: for us, But how do I get through to him
Speaker 1: and help him understand I'm here to uplift him and
Speaker 1: not tear him down. I just want him to understand
Speaker 1: that he is a king with or without me, and
Speaker 1: I support him no matter what, even if it means
Speaker 1: he needs to take a step back from things to
Speaker 1: figure some things out. I hope you guys are able
Speaker 1: to give me some advice on how to deal with this. Well,
Speaker 1: he sounds dismissing, right, mm hmmm, right, He's sounds like
Speaker 1: she's begging him to be intimate and vulnerable with her.
Speaker 1: I see your beauty, but he can't reciprocate to her
Speaker 1: what she needs. She sounds like she is preoccupied. Yes,
Speaker 1: she needs it, right, she's give me the relationship, give
Speaker 1: me what you guy, give me what your guy. Make
Speaker 1: me whole. I can make you whole, And that's what
Speaker 1: it sounds like to me. And no, you can't. I
Speaker 1: have to let that reader know you cannot make this
Speaker 1: man whole. M He has to do his own work.
Speaker 1: He has to realize his own kingdom, his own kingship,
Speaker 1: in order for him to become a king. You can't
Speaker 1: create that in him. These these listener letters often sound
Speaker 1: so similar, right. It often seems like there is a
Speaker 1: man who was unsure about how or what, and there's
Speaker 1: a woman that's like, I want him to be the
Speaker 1: king that I need him to be. How can I
Speaker 1: make him be what I need him to be? There's
Speaker 1: a lot of similarities in almost every listener letter. I'm
Speaker 1: believing that it's how we're conditioned as people. Men are
Speaker 1: raised a certain way, women are raised a certain way,
Speaker 1: and that's why when we get to this point of
Speaker 1: trying to be intimate with each other, there's always a block. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, what are your thoughts on that, Delena? Well,
Speaker 1: you know, we talked a little bit about being descendants
Speaker 1: of the enslaved in America and that has created a
Speaker 1: certain conditioning. And I have to say it because I
Speaker 1: do not want us to kind of tiptoe around this thing. Right.
Speaker 1: Um the way that UM men and women had to
Speaker 1: be conditioned had so that they can survive on a
Speaker 1: plantation in slavery. So women were taught to be independent
Speaker 1: and not necessarily show their emotion, and they were taught
Speaker 1: to protect the man because they saw the man be brutalized.
Speaker 1: So their sons they talked to, you know, make small
Speaker 1: and don't become too much, because you can be brutalized
Speaker 1: on the plantation. They were also taught not to look
Speaker 1: to the man as the source their power, their strength,
Speaker 1: because that's why away and taken away, he's going to
Speaker 1: be destroyed, ripped in half in front of you potentially.
Speaker 1: So this conditioning kept going. If we just say the
Speaker 1: day that slaves were freed, let's just say slaves are
Speaker 1: freed on dune team, let's see. And so I'm rolling around,
Speaker 1: I've been in I've been conditioned in slavery to be
Speaker 1: a particular way. The man has been conditioned in slavery
Speaker 1: to be a particular way because he was some slave
Speaker 1: mother's son. I'm some slave mother's daughter. And when we
Speaker 1: get together, how am I going to raise my children?
Speaker 1: How are we going to raise our children the same
Speaker 1: way we were raising were raised? Absolutely, and that hasn't
Speaker 1: been that many years ago, and so on and so
Speaker 1: on and so on. So here we are now with
Speaker 1: the same conditioning from our plantation parents. You set the
Speaker 1: South I'm from. I have the people from the South
Speaker 1: that raised me. I picked my own m oh so
Speaker 1: you know, yeah, absolutely. So it's going to create a
Speaker 1: particular type of dismissive attachment for young men because they
Speaker 1: can't show their emotion. It's going to create sort of
Speaker 1: preoccupied attachment and dismissive attachment for women because they can't
Speaker 1: show their emotion, or if they do, they can't get
Speaker 1: their grass around the man. It hasn't evolved and became
Speaker 1: and that's the condition that we have, Yes, the sickness
Speaker 1: that Yep, this is the first time I've ever heard
Speaker 1: about attachments, But it makes so much sense to down like,
Speaker 1: it really makes so much sense, especially when you look
Speaker 1: at society and even the issue that we're having. Even
Speaker 1: if you look at social media and you see the debates.
Speaker 1: Even though I like to say social media is typically
Speaker 1: the loud minority, you know, the vast majority of people
Speaker 1: who are thinking, being freely and intellectual about these things
Speaker 1: are not on social media. But when you see the
Speaker 1: debates on social media, how people are responding to each other,
Speaker 1: especially in our communities, that makes sense. All of this
Speaker 1: conditioning for hundreds of years. You know, it's not going
Speaker 1: to be changed in one or two generations. Promised it
Speaker 1: would last three hundred years. He was wrong. It's lasted
Speaker 1: four hundred. Wow. And I think we're finally acknowledging it
Speaker 1: in our generation, the millennials for sure. So we see
Speaker 1: this is why we gotta we don't even have time
Speaker 1: for another listener letter. We have to have the Lana
Speaker 1: back again because I do want to definitely, because every
Speaker 1: time you come it kind of like it's like a
Speaker 1: lightbulb goes off, you know, like it's like, what this
Speaker 1: is why I understand why people go to therapy because
Speaker 1: it just teaches you so much about social behavior. But
Speaker 1: being a parent, I think it's important for me. This
Speaker 1: is another thing we should talk to. Parents should go
Speaker 1: to therapy in order to learn how to be yes,
Speaker 1: con communicate. Yes, absolutely, it goes my moment of thought, right,
Speaker 1: my mind, a moment of truth. Well, we're always growing
Speaker 1: towards more secure attachment. I am, M, I am so.
Speaker 1: I mean, we could talk about this for a long time.
Speaker 1: I just wanted to add one other piece. Mhm, close
Speaker 1: us out. Security is not the responsibility of your partner.
Speaker 1: So you make me feel insecure when you do that.
Speaker 1: When you do that, it affects my insecure issues, my
Speaker 1: my abandonment issues. Like so that's what the conversations are
Speaker 1: are sounding. Security is not anyone else's responsibility. If I'm
Speaker 1: a safe person, I'm responsible to feel insecure, to feel
Speaker 1: secure in myself, and I bring my secure self two relationships,
Speaker 1: my autonomous self to relationships. Hopefully you feel secure in
Speaker 1: yourself and you can bring that to the relationship and
Speaker 1: then we can be safe with each other. But if
Speaker 1: I'm looking for you to make me feel a particular way,
Speaker 1: I am enslaved. I am dependent, and I am going
Speaker 1: to this relationship doesn't have the ability to survive that
Speaker 1: security is your issue. So that's the first time I've
Speaker 1: ever heard that, because we hear that about happiness, no
Speaker 1: one else can make you happy, But I've never heard
Speaker 1: anyone say no one else can make you feel secure.
Speaker 1: That's not my responsibility. That's deep. That's super deep. A
Speaker 1: word on a Wednesday. Thank you, Delna. Oh my goodness,
Speaker 1: season seven. I'm looking forward to season eight. All good stuff.
Speaker 1: Um for one more time, y'all give it up for
Speaker 1: Delane's ever man. Thank you so much for it's never
Speaker 1: long enough with you. You absolutely taking us on and
Speaker 1: know this was like a quick hey, we have a topic,
Speaker 1: real quick, CA, can you jump on this call today?
Speaker 1: So we appreciate you, and we hope that someday we
Speaker 1: can meet in person where you based that again, Los Angeles,
Speaker 1: Los Angeles. Okay, so when we're back on the West
Speaker 1: coast and if Rona and calm down, I would love
Speaker 1: to meet you in person one day for like an
Speaker 1: in studio session. I can just imagine the energy in
Speaker 1: that space would be amazing, because it's always amazing through zoom.
Speaker 1: So thank you again. Tell everybody where they can find you. Yeah, oh,
Speaker 1: you can find me on Instagram at Delane's Immerment Therapy
Speaker 1: also Delane's Demmerment Therapy dot com. Sounds good alright, So
Speaker 1: moment of true time that almost If you'd like to
Speaker 1: be featured as one letters, email us at dead as
Speaker 1: Advice at gmail dot com. That's d E A D
Speaker 1: A S S A D V I C E at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. Now on to the moment of true time? Um,
Speaker 1: do you have one moment of truth? I'm always speaking
Speaker 1: to delna Is is like enlightening because of course she's
Speaker 1: a professional of what she does, but she also makes
Speaker 1: you think about things. Right. We've heard so many people
Speaker 1: talk about happiness, right, and I'm not responsible for my
Speaker 1: spouses or my partner's happiness. One thing she said today
Speaker 1: that resonated with me is also I am not responsible
Speaker 1: for my spouses security. That I've never heard that before,
Speaker 1: but I heard it today and it really made it
Speaker 1: resonated with me because you and I had had this
Speaker 1: conversation and our concerns every time we step out. I
Speaker 1: hope my wife is you know, my hope my wife
Speaker 1: feels comfortable with this, and learning to say that it's
Speaker 1: not up to me to make you feel comfortable. It
Speaker 1: is up to you to find comfort within yourself and
Speaker 1: to bring that to the relationship and vice versa. Is
Speaker 1: up to me to feel comfortable and let you know,
Speaker 1: let you That's what we talk about. Remember we did
Speaker 1: a whole podcast on no rules. Remember we did a
Speaker 1: whole podcast on no rules and no obligations, And this
Speaker 1: is once again affirmation that we're on the right path
Speaker 1: to living a healthy relationship with no obligations and freedom
Speaker 1: of choice and freedom matorious is always And I love
Speaker 1: how that security then spirals into trust, like she said,
Speaker 1: like it's hand in hand. So the more secure we
Speaker 1: are within ourselves, we're able to then trust that we're
Speaker 1: doing our parts and then we just leave it up
Speaker 1: to our partner to do their part. Um My moment
Speaker 1: of truth is we talked about people going to therapy,
Speaker 1: going in therapy, but I never realized how vital therapy
Speaker 1: is for someone having a child, and how that can
Speaker 1: help you unpack who you are, how you were raised,
Speaker 1: and how all of those things you're now bringing to
Speaker 1: your parenting style, not just that relationship, but your parenting style,
Speaker 1: and then you shaping the way your child deals with
Speaker 1: attachment in this world. An attachment again, like we said,
Speaker 1: not being a negative word or a stigma, but relationships.
Speaker 1: How does your child then deal with relationships based off
Speaker 1: of how you've parented them for that ragile eighteen month period,
Speaker 1: Which makes me feel like I'm going to have Dakota
Speaker 1: with me the entire time now. I can't let him
Speaker 1: cry have attachment issues about and I dont have to
Speaker 1: know you wasn't listening. We can walk on. There's a balance,
Speaker 1: there's a balance. I should always be. They should always
Speaker 1: leave with love. Absolutely, We're always ending and leading with love,
Speaker 1: all right, y'all? Well, find us on social media at
Speaker 1: dead ass the podcast I'm Cadine, I am and I
Speaker 1: Am Devout, And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be
Speaker 1: sure to rate, review, and and this is a shareable episode, y'all,
Speaker 1: because everyone can find something to relate to in this
Speaker 1: and be honest with yourself and try to dissect yourself
Speaker 1: and share this with someone who you think might be
Speaker 1: able to get some gems because there were a lots
Speaker 1: an abundance of gems Overflowing. Dead Ass is a production
Speaker 1: of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by
Speaker 1: Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at
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