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Speaker 1: Yo, real talk. People need to go to therapy to

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Speaker 1: be parents really. Mhmm. Well, since we're talking about attachment

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Speaker 1: styles today, I've always said I just want to be

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Speaker 1: in your skin, like attached, attached, like under that first layer.

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Speaker 1: Where is that the dermist layer? Dead ass? Hey, I'm

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Speaker 1: Cadine and we're the ellis Is. You may know us

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Speaker 1: from posting funny videos with our voice and reading each

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Speaker 1: other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make

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Speaker 1: you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important

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Speaker 1: thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this

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Speaker 1: podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,

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Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the

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Speaker 1: lens of a millennium married couple. Dead ass is the

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Speaker 1: term that we say every day. So when we say

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Speaker 1: dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth,

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Speaker 1: and I think about the truth. Were about to take

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Speaker 1: pillow talk to a whole new level. Dead ass starts

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Speaker 1: right now. It's a very recent story. It is dealing

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Speaker 1: with with Jackson. Okay, we're outside practicing basketball as we

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Speaker 1: always do, and this is full transparency. Here. I am

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Speaker 1: preparing my son for life. Outside of these walls. And

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Speaker 1: I remember when I was playing sports, I used to

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Speaker 1: get screamed, that pushed, that curse that like your coach

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Speaker 1: wants to get everything out of you. But they also

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Speaker 1: created adversity of practice so that the games are never

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Speaker 1: too much. So when we're training, I'm going through the

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Speaker 1: same process. I'm screaming, I'm cursing, I'm holleran, I'm I'm

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Speaker 1: pushing him, I'm doucing everything. And I remember he got

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Speaker 1: through the practice and at the end of the practice, Um,

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Speaker 1: he had like tears in his eyes. And I was like, hey,

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Speaker 1: come talk to me, it's the matter, and he's just like, um,

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Speaker 1: you want to cry And he was just like yeah,

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Speaker 1: And I was like why. He's like, you know, you

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Speaker 1: just you know. He was really really hard on me.

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Speaker 1: And we had a conversation for about an hour and

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Speaker 1: a half. The conversation was longer than the training session,

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Speaker 1: and I tried to explain to him that I am

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Speaker 1: preparing him for when he goes to his first high

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Speaker 1: school practice that no matter what the coach says, no

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Speaker 1: matter what the fans say, no matter what your teammates say,

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Speaker 1: you'll have the mental fortitude to push through and focus

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Speaker 1: on what the goal is. But the only way I

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Speaker 1: compare you for that is to kind of simulate that

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Speaker 1: type of environment here so you learn how to go

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Speaker 1: through it. And we always finished the practice with a hug.

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Speaker 1: You don't want me to kiss him no more. Before

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Speaker 1: used to hug him, kiss him on the top of

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Speaker 1: the head, tell him I love him, But now I

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Speaker 1: hug him. I tell him no kiss, right, and he's like, no,

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Speaker 1: no kiss, And I still tell him I love him.

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Speaker 1: But it made me realize how my interactions with my

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Speaker 1: son every single day are going to frame who he

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Speaker 1: is and how he responds to people in life. It

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Speaker 1: also showed me that he does have the mental fortitude

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Speaker 1: to get through a practice, but at the end he

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Speaker 1: still needed that affirmation from me that everything was okay,

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Speaker 1: because he was like, I was afraid that you were

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Speaker 1: mad at me, m hm. And I was just like,

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Speaker 1: I'm not mad, I'm just pushing you, so what it

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Speaker 1: you know, of course it hurts people don't realize this.

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Speaker 1: As a dad, you know, when your parents say it's

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Speaker 1: gonna hurt me more than to hurt you. It hurts

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Speaker 1: me to scream and curse and push him when he's

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Speaker 1: being lazy and just be on top of him. But

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Speaker 1: I feel like it's necessary, you know, And we talk

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Speaker 1: about this all the time. I'm never going to be

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Speaker 1: the parent that people want me to be on social

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Speaker 1: media because I don't want to be a detriment to

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Speaker 1: my children. So I'm going to be the parent that

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Speaker 1: I have to be so they'll never see that side

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Speaker 1: of me on social media. But on the podcast, I

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Speaker 1: can at least tell stories about how I truly parent,

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Speaker 1: and um, just looking in his eyes at the end

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Speaker 1: and seeing the happiness at the end, and after going

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Speaker 1: through all that, and then when I'm walking upstairs, him

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Speaker 1: jumping on my bank and holding me was affirmation from

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Speaker 1: me that he knows that his dad loves He ain't

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Speaker 1: gonna kiss you, No, he's not. Gonnas's over kisses anymore,

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Speaker 1: but just just so you know, I get kisses still,

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Speaker 1: you do, mind, And I love that. So I had

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Speaker 1: a couple of songs that were floating through my head.

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Speaker 1: I actually told you about one, and I just thought

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Speaker 1: of another one because karaoke's on you today. Just came

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Speaker 1: back out with a song that I started putting on

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Speaker 1: and it was cute because it's like It just makes

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Speaker 1: me think of my boys and stuff like that. But

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Speaker 1: also since we're talking about attachment styles and how when

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Speaker 1: our children are babies up to eighteen months old is

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Speaker 1: when we're really setting the tone for what their attachment

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Speaker 1: style is gonna be. Like, it made me think of

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Speaker 1: this song by Adele and I always you always these

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Speaker 1: people who have like the range of God sing because

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Speaker 1: I always have the best songs. So what I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: do is I'm not gonna do my girl Adele a

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Speaker 1: disservice this moment. I'm going to speak her lyrics today

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Speaker 1: like it's a poem. All right, my little love, I

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Speaker 1: see your eyes widen like the ocean when you look

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Speaker 1: at me, so full of my emotions. I find it

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Speaker 1: hard to be here. Sincerely, I know you feel lost.

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Speaker 1: It's completely my fault or it's my fault completely tell

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Speaker 1: me you love me. I love you a million percent.

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Speaker 1: So like just little things like that, it makes me

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Speaker 1: think the word of the day from k K. We

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Speaker 1: heard what you say, Bay, but think about it. It

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Speaker 1: just makes me think about like how you look at

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Speaker 1: this child who has wide eyes that look at you

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Speaker 1: with this loving relationship, and sometimes that child can be lost,

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Speaker 1: and it's our fault because we're just as lost and

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Speaker 1: we're just trying to figure this sh it out. But

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Speaker 1: you know what, our guest today is going to help

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Speaker 1: us with a little insight into these attachment styles so

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Speaker 1: we can get ourselves together as parents and so we

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Speaker 1: can start to break these cycles. Alright, So let's take

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Speaker 1: a quick break and then come back with the guests.

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Speaker 1: All right. So one thing we're gonna do on dead

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Speaker 1: Ass with Caninia de Valleys. If we have a good

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Speaker 1: time with the guests, we're gonna bring that person back,

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Speaker 1: all right. So this person needs little introduction because I

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Speaker 1: feel like she was so impactful the last time we

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Speaker 1: had her on that people have been asking we need

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Speaker 1: a little bit more loving from Mr de Lana. So

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Speaker 1: we have back for a season seven. Delana Zimmerman. Hello, Hi,

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Speaker 1: how are you? How are you great? I'm glad to

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Speaker 1: hear that. I mean another year, but we all still

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Speaker 1: still need I think in the new year, some help,

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Speaker 1: a little loving on and we felt like you would

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Speaker 1: be the perfect person to have back on to talk

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Speaker 1: about attachments styles. Now we're going to need some help

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Speaker 1: with this because I was just now finally catching onto

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Speaker 1: the love languages, and now there's something else that we

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Speaker 1: have to start thinking about it a lot. And I

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Speaker 1: think it just makes sense because I think we all

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Speaker 1: know someone who is a bit clingy in relationships, right,

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Speaker 1: someone who gets very nervous about distance or always needs

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Speaker 1: to be up under their partner. I joke and say

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Speaker 1: to Devour sometimes, Delna, that sometimes I just wish I

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Speaker 1: could be like under that first layer of skin, Like

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Speaker 1: I just want to be in your skin sometimes, and

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Speaker 1: the other times I'm just like far away. She don't

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Speaker 1: be joking, she'd be serious. Every time I'm being ready

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Speaker 1: to go, she's like, so, so where are we going?

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Speaker 1: Are we going together? Are going nowhere? I'm going to

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Speaker 1: the bathroom. I'm coming with you. Or you might just

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Speaker 1: know someone who seems to be more careless when it

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Speaker 1: comes to relationships, right, They might quickly move from one

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Speaker 1: relationship to another. Well, what if we told you that

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Speaker 1: these characteristics are developed by a person as young as

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Speaker 1: eighteen months old? Yikes? Now we have, as you know,

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Speaker 1: four boys, right, Delena, So three of them already far gone.

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Speaker 1: If we're looking at eighteen months where we have hope

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Speaker 1: with Dakota, our news baby, so attachment styles are a

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Speaker 1: person's specific way of relating to others in relationships. Right,

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Speaker 1: A person's attachment style is shaped and developed an early

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Speaker 1: childhood and our thought to mirror the relationships so we've

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Speaker 1: had with our caregivers as children and infants. So today

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Speaker 1: we're gonna talk to Delena Zimmom and more about the

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Speaker 1: specific attachment styles, what they are, and how we can

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Speaker 1: use them to build maintain healthy relationships with ourselves and

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Speaker 1: with others. So, Delena, how are you? I'm great and

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Speaker 1: I'm so happy we're having this conversation. I agree, I agree,

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Speaker 1: So let's dive right in. Um, what are these specific

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Speaker 1: attachment styles, how are they developed, and how do they

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Speaker 1: show up in relationships? You can unpack that for us. Well,

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Speaker 1: that's a lot. So let's just think about you said, Um,

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Speaker 1: it starts in childhood, right, it starts in infancy, and

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Speaker 1: although we were there, we don't have the exact memory

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Speaker 1: of it, right, So, but it shaped us and so UM,

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Speaker 1: I think when we become a certain age, we don't

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Speaker 1: really think of ourselves as an infant anymore, that we

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Speaker 1: actually pass through that phase. But if you think about it,

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Speaker 1: there were exchanges and transactions of attachment, there was attachment behavior,

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Speaker 1: there were hugs and infant needs, and an infant um

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Speaker 1: primarily like um, instinctually knows that its needs are going

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Speaker 1: to be met. However, if you're in an environment or

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Speaker 1: you have a primary caregiver that doesn't have the capacity

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Speaker 1: to meet your need or maybe distracted or insensitive or

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Speaker 1: dropped for that matter, and doesn't have the ability to

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Speaker 1: meet the needs of the child, the child becomes helpless

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Speaker 1: and hopeless. Rage occurs in the infant, and the infant

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Speaker 1: draws the conclusion that I'm not good, my mother is

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Speaker 1: not good, and I'm not safe. And so actually, in

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Speaker 1: the first year of life, first eighteen months of life,

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Speaker 1: the child develops its trust or mistrust of its environment.

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Speaker 1: So just kind of hold that for a minute, just

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Speaker 1: think about that. And people who had who have insecure

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Speaker 1: attachments and their childhood often pass it on to their children.

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Speaker 1: Mm hm. So let's just I just want to start

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Speaker 1: their foundationally mm hmmm. Right, So pretty much what you're

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Speaker 1: saying is it's our responsibility as parents in the first

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Speaker 1: eighteen months to teach our children that it's okay to

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Speaker 1: trust people and trust themselves. And the only way to

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Speaker 1: do that is to meet their needs. So culturally, sometimes

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Speaker 1: children don't get their needs met because of let's say

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Speaker 1: economic situations. I can't have a spoiled baby, so I

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Speaker 1: let the baby learn how to cry it out. And

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Speaker 1: I was thinking of that or how that correlates to it.

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Speaker 1: Or you think about the maternity leave that women are

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Speaker 1: given in America six weeks most places, So in six weeks,

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Speaker 1: what kind of relationship are you developing with your baby

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Speaker 1: when you may have to then put this baby in

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Speaker 1: daycare or have this baby cared for by a nanny

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Speaker 1: or babysitter or family member. So that really just thinks

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Speaker 1: about how impactful that time is. How do you feel

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Speaker 1: about that cry it out real quick? Because we're kind

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Speaker 1: of at that phase only it right now, in this

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Speaker 1: moment where we're debating on the whole sleep training and

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Speaker 1: when that comes into past, when that should happen. What

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Speaker 1: are your thoughts on that. It's a balancing act. You know,

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Speaker 1: there's no one answer um, soothing the child without picking

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Speaker 1: the child up is one thing you can do as well,

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Speaker 1: right so maybe patting the back acknowledging. I know you

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Speaker 1: feel restless right now. I know you're uncomfortable because if

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Speaker 1: the child is fit and the child is dry, and

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Speaker 1: the child just you know, and maybe there it requires cuddling,

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Speaker 1: and you love and hug and secure the child. There's

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Speaker 1: that word security, right, You secure the child and then

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Speaker 1: you give the child your opportunity to learn a self

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Speaker 1: suit mhm. You know what's funny. I just saw a

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Speaker 1: meme the other day that talked about how from slavery

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Speaker 1: there was no mental health concerns about slaves after you

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Speaker 1: release them. After Jim Crow South. If you think about

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Speaker 1: all of the abandonment issues that people had developed through

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Speaker 1: our culture, from being ripped from their parents and being

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Speaker 1: forced to cry it out or dealing with violence or

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Speaker 1: pain as a way to teach lessons, it kind of

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Speaker 1: makes you realize how we as a culture have continued

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Speaker 1: to be sick because of all of these you know,

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Speaker 1: abandonment issues that we then passed down to the next

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Speaker 1: generation because that's all we know. Am I Right? You

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Speaker 1: are right? Much of what happens culturally has a lot

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Speaker 1: to do with the descendants of the enslaved. No, we

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Speaker 1: just take one attachment insecure attachment style, which to the

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Speaker 1: point you're making devout is called dismissive or avoid it.

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Speaker 1: It's an insecure attachment. So if you were raised to

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Speaker 1: be strong and move on, grow up, deal with it.

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Speaker 1: If that's sort of like your family can happen capacity

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Speaker 1: for emotion, whether it was good emotion or negative emotion,

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Speaker 1: you were taught to stuff it. That individual grows up

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Speaker 1: not feeling u that they that they're feelings matter, that

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Speaker 1: they can trust the environment, that they can trust the

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Speaker 1: family with their emotions, so they learn how to stuff it.

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Speaker 1: What does this person look like as an adult? Oftentimes

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Speaker 1: they're in control, they're confident, they do well in the world.

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Speaker 1: They have, you know, lots of friends and their social

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Speaker 1: and they have lots of lovers. When it's time to connect,

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Speaker 1: when it's time to become intimate and vulnerable, they start

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Speaker 1: backing off. They start getting annoyed and agitated by your

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Speaker 1: breathing and you know the color of your finger nails,

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Speaker 1: you know that right? Wow? So that was which one

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Speaker 1: which starts out as a child, they call it avoided

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Speaker 1: and child attachment, But as you become an adult, as

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Speaker 1: becomes more it's called dismissive a void. Wow. You know

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Speaker 1: what's funny that that sounds like how we raise our

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Speaker 1: young men like That's how I was raised too. You know,

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Speaker 1: no one can see you be hurt. You don't cry.

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Speaker 1: You know, if you have an issue, you learn how

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Speaker 1: To's a thing I tell I tell us to my

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Speaker 1: boys all the time. You have to learn how to

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Speaker 1: self soothe. You know. We we talk about sharing our emotions,

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Speaker 1: but you don't realize how some of the things that

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Speaker 1: you have learned growing up can create those attributes. Because

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Speaker 1: a lot of things you just described described how I

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Speaker 1: was when we first met a lot of friends. I

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Speaker 1: was never into just being with one woman. It was

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Speaker 1: always a bunch of people. And the minute I got

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Speaker 1: close with someone, it was like all right, onto the

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Speaker 1: next you know. But but that goes back to being

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Speaker 1: raised to take my feelings, keep it inside, don't share

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Speaker 1: my feelings with anybody else, you know. And that took

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Speaker 1: a turn when I came along and he was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: she's the one. That's how a romantic relationship can. Then

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Speaker 1: maybe if it's the right person or the right timing,

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Speaker 1: does that affect how your attachment style changes? Well with

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Speaker 1: if we just take this one in particular, the person

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Speaker 1: thinks highly of themselves or you know, has a positive

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Speaker 1: thought about themselves, but not necessarily a positive thought about

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Speaker 1: other people. So when that changes, then you have the

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Speaker 1: ability right to feel more secure when you connect and

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Speaker 1: more with you know, being vulnerable. So he began to

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Speaker 1: see that people weren't so scary. That's really what it was.

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Speaker 1: You came back when there was an opening. Ah, Now

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Speaker 1: that makes that makes a lot of sense. It really

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Speaker 1: does make a lot of sense because once I realized

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Speaker 1: that you were going to sound crazy but worthy of

285
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Speaker 1: my time and trust, then I started to open up

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Speaker 1: and say, you know it, this isn't as bad. But

287
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Speaker 1: remember at first when you were just like I love

288
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Speaker 1: you and I was like thanks, I didn't know what

289
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Speaker 1: to say. You know. I was just kind of like, oh,

290
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,359
Speaker 1: this is moving too fast. And I fought it for

291
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Speaker 1: a long time. I was like, this ain't what I want.

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Speaker 1: I don't want a girlfriend. I want to be able

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Speaker 1: to explore. And it wasn't until I trusted that you

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Speaker 1: were of super value that I was like, let's do this.

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Speaker 1: I also wonder does this or maybe Delana you can

296
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Speaker 1: speak to this. Does that happen at maybe transitional points

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Speaker 1: in people's lives, Because when I came along and we met,

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Speaker 1: he was leaving high school, transitioning into college. So it's

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Speaker 1: like a new environment, new goals, new things happening in life.

300
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Speaker 1: So are people more I guess, open to or susceptible

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Speaker 1: to changing their attachment style depending on maybe a traditional

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Speaker 1: transitional time in life. Potentially, I mean, you know, everyone's

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Speaker 1: an individual, you know, so potentially, But some people live

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Speaker 1: their whole lives and never trust. I remember we're talking

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Speaker 1: about trust or mistrust that was established in the first

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00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:08,639
Speaker 1: year of life. You're shaped that way, and so if

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Speaker 1: you continue to have experiences that prove that people are untrustworthy,

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00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:15,679
Speaker 1: then it begins to affirm the mistrust concept and you

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Speaker 1: never open yourself. And what makes this so painful is

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Speaker 1: because this person wants to love. This person is a

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Speaker 1: human being. They want to feel connected, they want to love,

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Speaker 1: but they find resources like women that they can plug into,

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Speaker 1: or men that they can plug into sexually, or people

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Speaker 1: who will tolerate a piece of my love, so they

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Speaker 1: never get to evolve. Oh, you know, it's crazy. I've

316
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Speaker 1: always felt like I had some abandonment issues because remember

317
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Speaker 1: when my parents used to take us to Tennessee and

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Speaker 1: leave for eight weeks. I did not trust people because

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Speaker 1: my parents would we would go to sleep at night

320
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Speaker 1: and then wake up and my parents would be gone.

321
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Speaker 1: And I remember, from like my earliest childhood memories waking

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Speaker 1: up running out of the room and my parents not

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Speaker 1: being there, and I'll be like, what where my dad?

324
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Speaker 1: With my mom? And I remember my name have been like,

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Speaker 1: oh they left. They went back to New York, and

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Speaker 1: I was like, damn, they ain't even say bye, like

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Speaker 1: and I remember feeling like like you can't trust nobody,

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Speaker 1: like people just leave you. But but it never resonated

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Speaker 1: that it was going to make me into an adult

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Speaker 1: that did that to other people you couldn't have known.

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Speaker 1: But I want to add to that, people who love

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Speaker 1: you leave you. Mm hmm m. That's true. People who

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Speaker 1: love you leave you. Because it was my parents. Dang,

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Speaker 1: I ain't even realize how much that created the person

335
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:47,040
Speaker 1: I am today because it but it. But in a way,

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Speaker 1: it did make me this independent person that I only

337
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:53,439
Speaker 1: trusted myself. It made me confident because I felt like

338
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:57,159
Speaker 1: I made through things on my own. So now I

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Speaker 1: know I don't have to trust nobody. I can make

340
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,280
Speaker 1: it through life my own. Wait, so you say people

341
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:03,399
Speaker 1: who love you leave you, what does that mean? Because

342
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,880
Speaker 1: to me, that's well, that's what That's what I told myself.

343
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Speaker 1: People who love you leave you like that's that's how

344
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,199
Speaker 1: it felt like, Well damn when I ain't going nowhere

345
00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:17,359
Speaker 1: is how does that work? Well, that's we talked about

346
00:20:17,359 --> 00:20:20,760
Speaker 1: the change. What are the other three? Well, the other

347
00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:24,680
Speaker 1: three there's only one secure attachment and it's called secure

348
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,720
Speaker 1: secure autonomy. So that's that's one. That's the one that's

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00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:32,360
Speaker 1: our goal. And you can change your attachment like it

350
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:36,159
Speaker 1: can improve, you can earn higher attachment. Are all of

351
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:42,800
Speaker 1: our goals are secure attachment? Okay. The other one is preoccupied, anxious,

352
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:48,240
Speaker 1: preoccupied and this one was also called ambivalent for children. Okay,

353
00:20:48,359 --> 00:20:52,800
Speaker 1: so um, this one is where there's an inconsistency with

354
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Speaker 1: the caregiver. And so I'll give an example. So, um,

355
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Speaker 1: when you're a little kid, maybe you touch the ash

356
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Speaker 1: tray and I know I'm aging myself by even saying

357
00:21:03,119 --> 00:21:07,000
Speaker 1: there's an ashtray on the table. So maybe you grab

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Speaker 1: the ashtray and your mom says, oh, baby, don't touch

359
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,200
Speaker 1: that astray. Oh she's so cute. She's growing up. She's

360
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:17,639
Speaker 1: touching you know, she's she can grab things now. And

361
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:21,399
Speaker 1: then the next week the baby has registered this love

362
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:25,520
Speaker 1: from touching the ashtray. So the baby touches the ashtray again,

363
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,879
Speaker 1: and this time mom says, I've told you don't touch

364
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:33,280
Speaker 1: that ashtray. Get over there, stop touching stuff. So it

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00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:36,760
Speaker 1: creates a confusion. The child experienced praise by touching the

366
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:42,159
Speaker 1: ashtray once and then experience discipline or um, you know,

367
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:45,080
Speaker 1: like sharpness when they touched the ashtray. So the child

368
00:21:45,119 --> 00:21:48,359
Speaker 1: doesn't know what they're gonna get from this parent. Now,

369
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Speaker 1: sometimes I get praise and sometimes I get punishment for

370
00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:57,080
Speaker 1: the same thing, and it creates this preoccupied person with relationships.

371
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Speaker 1: Seeing attachment is based on this experiment they did call

372
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:04,439
Speaker 1: the strange situation. They put a child, a one year

373
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:08,000
Speaker 1: old child in the room with the parents. The parent

374
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,240
Speaker 1: left the room, the mother left the room, and a

375
00:22:10,359 --> 00:22:13,080
Speaker 1: stranger came into the room. And so what they did

376
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:16,000
Speaker 1: was noticed the child's interaction with the stranger, and then

377
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:18,919
Speaker 1: they noticed the child's interaction when the mother came back.

378
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:22,119
Speaker 1: And based on the child's reaction to when the mother

379
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:27,040
Speaker 1: came back was how they came up with this attachment theories. Okay,

380
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:30,919
Speaker 1: so this pretty occupied kid, it's happy to see the mother,

381
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:33,399
Speaker 1: but does it. You know, clings to the mother but

382
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,600
Speaker 1: won't give her eye contact because he doesn't know what

383
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:39,320
Speaker 1: the mother is gonna do when the mother comes back.

384
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:44,800
Speaker 1: It creates a person that needs the relationship, clingy, holding

385
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:49,440
Speaker 1: on for dear life, you know, obsessed with relationship, jealous

386
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:53,360
Speaker 1: as an adult, Yeah, this is the one right here,

387
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:59,280
Speaker 1: This is the one that's deep. But but that means

388
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:02,439
Speaker 1: that we gotta be system without children, Like we have

389
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:05,680
Speaker 1: to be consistent because if you're not consistent with children,

390
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:08,760
Speaker 1: they will always grow up in the world and be unsure,

391
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:12,600
Speaker 1: especially about relationships. Because I think about how just as

392
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:14,520
Speaker 1: a as a human being, you have a day where

393
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:16,600
Speaker 1: it's like, shoot, if the baby touches the bowl, you're

394
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,240
Speaker 1: just like, oh, baby, don't touch that. And then they

395
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,600
Speaker 1: catch you on the wrong day or with the fuse

396
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:23,879
Speaker 1: and it's just like, damn, didn't I tell you to

397
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:26,720
Speaker 1: do that. I am guilty of that. As a parent,

398
00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:31,680
Speaker 1: I'm definitely moments like that. Yeah. Remember the child has

399
00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:35,160
Speaker 1: to perceive it though, So it's what the child perceives

400
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:39,680
Speaker 1: what you can't control. Yeah, So don't walk on eggshells.

401
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:41,679
Speaker 1: Just do what you gotta do. You know, you're a

402
00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:44,160
Speaker 1: good enough mother and a good enough father. Everybody needs

403
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:45,919
Speaker 1: to know that. But we also need to be have

404
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:49,480
Speaker 1: a global perspective. That's how we're impacting their children. We

405
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:52,280
Speaker 1: can't be careless. We have to be intentional and mindful

406
00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:56,080
Speaker 1: or interacting with children and each other. It's a lot.

407
00:23:56,080 --> 00:24:00,960
Speaker 1: That's a lot. That's a huge responsibility for human in right,

408
00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:03,199
Speaker 1: which makes you wonder how people just be out here

409
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:05,960
Speaker 1: having kids and not thinking about how these kids are

410
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:10,320
Speaker 1: going to be affected by your actions. And even when

411
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:14,280
Speaker 1: you're trying your hardest to do things the right way,

412
00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:17,600
Speaker 1: it seems like you're still gonna have a misstep. And

413
00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:21,280
Speaker 1: then having multiple children with multiple personalities and who register

414
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:24,840
Speaker 1: things differently, there's like a lot of style stepping that

415
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:26,560
Speaker 1: we felt like we have to do on a day

416
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:28,600
Speaker 1: to day basis with the kids. You know, the way

417
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:33,960
Speaker 1: they received information and wow, all right, so that's secure.

418
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:38,320
Speaker 1: We have anxious? Uh, then we had avoidant, was it?

419
00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:44,840
Speaker 1: And then there's one more this one it's called fearful,

420
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:51,000
Speaker 1: anxious and um and childhood is called disorganized. And so

421
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:53,840
Speaker 1: if we go back to that experiment and the mother

422
00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:55,960
Speaker 1: comes back in the room and the kid just sort

423
00:24:56,000 --> 00:25:01,480
Speaker 1: of freezes, it didn't fit into the categories stuff ambivalent,

424
00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:04,840
Speaker 1: It didn't fit into the category of you know, preoccupied.

425
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:09,560
Speaker 1: It didn't fit there. So this child is abused. This

426
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:15,200
Speaker 1: child is emotionally abused, physically abused, are sexually abused. This

427
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:19,040
Speaker 1: child has to get its needs meant by someone that

428
00:25:19,119 --> 00:25:25,200
Speaker 1: they're afraid of. And this child grows up and it's

429
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,640
Speaker 1: fine in some cases. Some cases it's got a big

430
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:33,439
Speaker 1: booby you understand, and you meet them, and this person

431
00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:36,760
Speaker 1: struggles to be intimate. This person struggles to be vulnerable.

432
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:41,400
Speaker 1: They're afraid of people. Wow, man, that so this reminds

433
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:45,920
Speaker 1: me of also growing up Southern Baptists, getting your ass

434
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:50,000
Speaker 1: whipped all the time and growing up and being afraid

435
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:55,120
Speaker 1: of people because you constantly got beat But I mean

436
00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:56,879
Speaker 1: you took it and stuff further, even if it's not

437
00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:01,560
Speaker 1: physical abuse, getting verbally abused or even psychologically abused like that,

438
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:05,720
Speaker 1: fear everything is fear. So from the time a child

439
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:08,320
Speaker 1: is super young, if you use fear as a way

440
00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:11,040
Speaker 1: to control them, even if it's not physical abuse, they

441
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:14,240
Speaker 1: can grow up with so many different issues. They're hard

442
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:19,640
Speaker 1: to soothe. You know, Alcoholism is here, drug addiction is here.

443
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:22,800
Speaker 1: They struggle to open up. They don't feel safe in

444
00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:27,000
Speaker 1: the world. They're always looking for the next negative thing

445
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:32,480
Speaker 1: to happen. Right, So how is it an adult because

446
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:34,639
Speaker 1: I know these are embedded as children, and how is

447
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:40,159
Speaker 1: it Is it possible to change this style as adult?

448
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:43,080
Speaker 1: Is it possible or do they just require everyone go

449
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:46,280
Speaker 1: see de Lena to help them change? Just why no

450
00:26:46,359 --> 00:26:50,159
Speaker 1: one got out of their childhood unscathed? No one? Right now,

451
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:55,359
Speaker 1: even the secure attached person doesn't mean that they didn't

452
00:26:55,359 --> 00:27:00,199
Speaker 1: experience abandonment. So think about this. The secure person and

453
00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:04,800
Speaker 1: believes they have a positive idea about themselves, they have

454
00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:07,879
Speaker 1: a positive idea about other people, and they also have

455
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:12,800
Speaker 1: a positive idea about their childhood. Okay, so you can

456
00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:17,240
Speaker 1: be ambivalent, you can be preoccupied, You can be these

457
00:27:17,359 --> 00:27:20,120
Speaker 1: various things because of your experience in the first year

458
00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:23,880
Speaker 1: of your life. But you can also evolve and transcend

459
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:27,840
Speaker 1: and become more right because you now are taking responsibility

460
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:31,680
Speaker 1: for the issues you're causing in your life. I think

461
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:33,840
Speaker 1: the most important thing is for everybody to look at

462
00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:37,239
Speaker 1: themselves as opposed to looking at the partner. What it

463
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:40,040
Speaker 1: me needs to change? Why do I keep having the

464
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:44,280
Speaker 1: same relationship with the face has changed? Right, So we

465
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:48,159
Speaker 1: have to look at ourselves and so what do I do?

466
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:51,320
Speaker 1: What needs to happen or there needs to be You

467
00:27:51,359 --> 00:27:54,320
Speaker 1: need either need to talk to somebody who you trust.

468
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:57,439
Speaker 1: You need to learn how to be honest with people

469
00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:00,080
Speaker 1: as opposed to be in a victim of everything that

470
00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:04,359
Speaker 1: has occurred. You're not a child anymore. However, you have

471
00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:08,399
Speaker 1: an opportunity to reparent yourself. That's what therapy with at

472
00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:10,240
Speaker 1: least therapy with me, that's what it teaches you to

473
00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:15,200
Speaker 1: read parent yourself. So you want to have a positive

474
00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:21,000
Speaker 1: outlook on yourself and on others and on your childhood.

475
00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:24,000
Speaker 1: So you can have been abandoned and still have a

476
00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:29,760
Speaker 1: positive outlook on your child Learn from your experience, see

477
00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:33,399
Speaker 1: how it has built resiliency and grit grit in your life. Now,

478
00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:36,639
Speaker 1: be grateful for the things that you've been through, like

479
00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:40,600
Speaker 1: that's how you grow into that. You know. I feel

480
00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:43,480
Speaker 1: like that's been us, both of us, because I can

481
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:46,360
Speaker 1: look back at my childhood now and say I think

482
00:28:46,400 --> 00:28:49,880
Speaker 1: these things affected me negatively. But I can also look

483
00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:52,200
Speaker 1: back at my childhood and say I wouldn't be who

484
00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:54,760
Speaker 1: I am if I didn't go through these certain things,

485
00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:58,240
Speaker 1: Like if I didn't have to if my parents both

486
00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:00,400
Speaker 1: didn't have to work, and I didn't have to be

487
00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:03,960
Speaker 1: dropped to my aunt wheezy house early in the morning

488
00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:06,960
Speaker 1: and take the bus to school or have to take

489
00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:09,080
Speaker 1: the bus back. Those things when I was younger affected

490
00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:11,520
Speaker 1: me because other people got picked up from school. But

491
00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:13,520
Speaker 1: now when I look back in my life, I'm like,

492
00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:17,080
Speaker 1: it made me so much more independent, you know, and

493
00:29:17,080 --> 00:29:20,000
Speaker 1: it and it gave me so many different gifts. Having

494
00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:22,160
Speaker 1: to rely on other people taught me how to move

495
00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:25,240
Speaker 1: in different rooms. That's how I view my childhood. I

496
00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:28,840
Speaker 1: never look at my childhood like my parents fucked me up,

497
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:31,200
Speaker 1: you know, I'd never looked like that. To me, it

498
00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:35,520
Speaker 1: was always thank you. But when you explain the way

499
00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:39,280
Speaker 1: those attachments can affect you, I can see also how

500
00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:43,160
Speaker 1: I've had issues, especially with relationships early on. That's funny

501
00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:46,280
Speaker 1: that you mentioned that, because we just had this conversation actually, Delanna,

502
00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:49,120
Speaker 1: with our oldest son where Devout felt like, you know what,

503
00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:52,280
Speaker 1: I have to try to create some adversity in his life,

504
00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:54,000
Speaker 1: and you know how am I going to be able

505
00:29:54,040 --> 00:29:56,200
Speaker 1: to do that? Because like with me, when I was younger,

506
00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:58,280
Speaker 1: I used to take the bus to and from school

507
00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:00,680
Speaker 1: and I used to have to pay my brother when

508
00:30:00,680 --> 00:30:02,640
Speaker 1: I was eight years old and bring him home and

509
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:05,160
Speaker 1: you know, be pretty much like a parent until my

510
00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:08,640
Speaker 1: parents got home. So it's funny you say that because

511
00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:12,240
Speaker 1: it makes me think of like how we're trying to, um,

512
00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:14,880
Speaker 1: not have our children feel like everything is going to

513
00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:17,000
Speaker 1: be handed to them. We want them, of course, to

514
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:20,640
Speaker 1: feel secure and feel loved, but how do we put

515
00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:23,720
Speaker 1: some level of adversity into their lives so they know that,

516
00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:26,440
Speaker 1: like this is just not the world where we have

517
00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:28,960
Speaker 1: you here in this home. You're going to deal with

518
00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:33,000
Speaker 1: issues in the world. Don't worry about it. They're going

519
00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:38,800
Speaker 1: to grow up and be ungrateful and I don't know,

520
00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:42,040
Speaker 1: don't worry about it. You know, like just lower you'll

521
00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:44,720
Speaker 1: cross that bridge. It won't be attachment though. Like the

522
00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:47,200
Speaker 1: hope is that even if they are entitled and I'm grateful,

523
00:30:47,240 --> 00:30:49,600
Speaker 1: that they will be able to have healthy relationships with

524
00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:53,120
Speaker 1: people and feel attached to their friends, because this affects

525
00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:56,080
Speaker 1: how people show up socially as well who they are.

526
00:30:57,040 --> 00:30:59,920
Speaker 1: You know, um, you won't be able to curb it.

527
00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:03,600
Speaker 1: I've learned that can't curve at all. You know, I

528
00:31:03,640 --> 00:31:07,920
Speaker 1: have some entitled children of my own. And it's a trip. No, no,

529
00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:10,800
Speaker 1: thank you for saying that, because I'm sitting here. If

530
00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:12,720
Speaker 1: you're looking at me right now, I look kind of lost.

531
00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:16,000
Speaker 1: I'm sitting here trying to figure out thing. I don't

532
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:18,000
Speaker 1: want them to be avoidant. I don't want them to

533
00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:20,840
Speaker 1: be fearful, you know. I want them to be secure,

534
00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:22,800
Speaker 1: but I don't want them to be spoiled. And I'm like,

535
00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:27,120
Speaker 1: how like, as a parent, what is the formula to

536
00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:30,640
Speaker 1: raise the most perfectly secure human? And I'm trying to

537
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:32,640
Speaker 1: think about it, and I like, I don't know. We

538
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:40,360
Speaker 1: love themselves and because if you think about them, what

539
00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:44,560
Speaker 1: the preoccupied person? Right, they have a low value of

540
00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:48,080
Speaker 1: themselves and a high value of others, so they feel

541
00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:51,240
Speaker 1: needy and so they don't necessarily love themselves. I don't

542
00:31:51,240 --> 00:31:53,840
Speaker 1: think any parent can teach their child is to have

543
00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:58,080
Speaker 1: a self love practice, to love themselves and to realize

544
00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:00,720
Speaker 1: that God is not in the sky far far away

545
00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:04,320
Speaker 1: from them, but that God exists within them, so they

546
00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:08,560
Speaker 1: always have access to their source. M That I think

547
00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:12,200
Speaker 1: that's key. I see. I feel good about that, because

548
00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:15,080
Speaker 1: if there's one thing I teach my boys, it's to

549
00:32:15,160 --> 00:32:19,280
Speaker 1: love themselves. I always speaks words of affirmation to them.

550
00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:21,440
Speaker 1: I tell them to speak words of affirmation to themselves

551
00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:23,960
Speaker 1: because I do think that that's important. So at least

552
00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:26,360
Speaker 1: I know I'm doing one thing right. But but I will.

553
00:32:27,120 --> 00:32:29,840
Speaker 1: I will admit though when I walk in the room,

554
00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:34,200
Speaker 1: depending on my aura, my kids look afraid, Like like

555
00:32:34,760 --> 00:32:37,760
Speaker 1: if I'm being honest, when Dad walks in the room,

556
00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:40,840
Speaker 1: if my voice is a certain tone, they do look

557
00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:44,080
Speaker 1: up and they're just like, oh right. Or even if

558
00:32:44,240 --> 00:32:47,760
Speaker 1: I in a moment maybe scolding them about something, the

559
00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:49,880
Speaker 1: first thing they do is look for you, or they

560
00:32:49,920 --> 00:32:53,040
Speaker 1: look at you, and I'm like, I'm not I'm talking

561
00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:55,200
Speaker 1: to you, not in it. But they're looking to see

562
00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:57,880
Speaker 1: what Dad's gonna think or how Dad's going to react

563
00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:00,400
Speaker 1: to them in that moment, maybe doing something then that

564
00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:03,680
Speaker 1: they're not supposed to be doing. So remember, attachment affects

565
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:06,240
Speaker 1: you and then it affects your parenting. Right, so you're

566
00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:10,440
Speaker 1: going to translate what you have. You can't transmit what

567
00:33:10,520 --> 00:33:13,080
Speaker 1: you don't have. You can only transmit what you have.

568
00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:17,200
Speaker 1: So of course the children are going to be concerned about, right,

569
00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:20,640
Speaker 1: what you learned, How did your family translate when you

570
00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:25,200
Speaker 1: were in trouble. Yeah, so it's okay, it's okay. They

571
00:33:25,280 --> 00:33:29,360
Speaker 1: need to know the sound of the leader, male figure

572
00:33:29,400 --> 00:33:31,960
Speaker 1: in the home. They need to respect that, they need

573
00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:37,440
Speaker 1: to see. That's that's important because you hear a lot

574
00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:43,360
Speaker 1: of stories or things about parents who are turning into

575
00:33:43,400 --> 00:33:46,440
Speaker 1: this new wave of parenting. And we had we had

576
00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:50,040
Speaker 1: someone on and they talked about soft parenting, gential parenting,

577
00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:55,200
Speaker 1: and as a traditional parent, you know, growing up in

578
00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:59,840
Speaker 1: the South that was spoiled, spare the rod, spoiled the child. Now,

579
00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:02,840
Speaker 1: we don't hit our kids like, that's not that's not

580
00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:07,520
Speaker 1: something that we we agree to subscribe to. Um. The

581
00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:09,440
Speaker 1: only time I hit my kids is if one of

582
00:34:09,480 --> 00:34:12,000
Speaker 1: my kids hit another one of my kids. It's like

583
00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:15,399
Speaker 1: I have to show you then I'm going to protect you.

584
00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:20,240
Speaker 1: So if anybody hits anybody, y'all getting hit by daddy

585
00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:23,520
Speaker 1: and retaliation. Other than that, we kind of keep our

586
00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:27,560
Speaker 1: hands off our children. But the fear factor does scare

587
00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:29,440
Speaker 1: me sometimes when I walk in the room, because I

588
00:34:29,480 --> 00:34:31,719
Speaker 1: never wanted my kids to fear me, you know, I

589
00:34:31,760 --> 00:34:35,640
Speaker 1: always wanted to respect me in my presence. But sometimes

590
00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:38,799
Speaker 1: I'll talk to Jack's and he'll just be looking and

591
00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:42,160
Speaker 1: I'm like, you don't ever get hit? Why are you flinching? Like?

592
00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:48,040
Speaker 1: What what is happening here? He feels, And so it's

593
00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:51,600
Speaker 1: okay to stay firm with him and also to follow

594
00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:54,360
Speaker 1: that firmness up with love. So you're a firm and

595
00:34:54,440 --> 00:34:58,640
Speaker 1: I love you and this, but I'm not taking your ship.

596
00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:02,400
Speaker 1: You understand, And we all learn self discipline and you

597
00:35:02,480 --> 00:35:05,880
Speaker 1: will learn to manage yourself and govern yourself. And a

598
00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:11,480
Speaker 1: person that loves themselves doesn't do that. You're teaching them principles.

599
00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:15,840
Speaker 1: I like that. See, I like that because you can't

600
00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:19,240
Speaker 1: walk through life just floating around thinking everybody just gonna

601
00:35:19,800 --> 00:35:23,360
Speaker 1: go with your pace. No, but you have to know

602
00:35:24,640 --> 00:35:29,480
Speaker 1: you can't absolutely wow. So the word attachment in itself, Delina,

603
00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:32,200
Speaker 1: just has I think for most like a stigma or

604
00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:35,080
Speaker 1: can we be a negative connotation around it? So how

605
00:35:35,120 --> 00:35:37,600
Speaker 1: can we view attachment as a good thing rather than

606
00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:40,360
Speaker 1: a burden? Seeing as though everybody has some sort of

607
00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:45,359
Speaker 1: attachment style, well everybody, every human being. We didn't come

608
00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:49,319
Speaker 1: to this planet to do this thing by ourselves. We

609
00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:52,960
Speaker 1: came to this planet to be in relationship with each other.

610
00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:56,960
Speaker 1: The way that I know myself and I love myself

611
00:35:57,160 --> 00:35:59,879
Speaker 1: and I deliver. My purpose is based on my relationship

612
00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:03,880
Speaker 1: to the world. So attachment is the same as relationship

613
00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:08,120
Speaker 1: you attached to other people, whether it's whatever level it

614
00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:11,360
Speaker 1: may be. But you can only attach to the cadence

615
00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:14,759
Speaker 1: and the rhythm and the energy of your first year

616
00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:18,520
Speaker 1: of life. So how do you want to be in

617
00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:26,520
Speaker 1: relationships with people? Relationships are synonymous connection unity, so there

618
00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:30,279
Speaker 1: is no negative connotation. It's just a theory. The theorists

619
00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:33,280
Speaker 1: came up with the word attachment. How does the child

620
00:36:33,640 --> 00:36:38,239
Speaker 1: attached to the object the primary relationship? And so how

621
00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:42,200
Speaker 1: you were attached to that mother who loved you potentially

622
00:36:42,320 --> 00:36:46,279
Speaker 1: loved you right but had her own issues, but had

623
00:36:46,280 --> 00:36:50,360
Speaker 1: her own attachment style will determine how you attached to

624
00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:55,680
Speaker 1: your husband, your best friend, your employer, your boo, your

625
00:36:55,760 --> 00:36:59,520
Speaker 1: favorite person. Have you and this is what I asked

626
00:37:00,239 --> 00:37:04,239
Speaker 1: you know, the audience is that don't you know what

627
00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:06,360
Speaker 1: it feels like to be in front of the person

628
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:09,640
Speaker 1: that is your person but not have the ability to

629
00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:14,120
Speaker 1: behave in a way that makes the relationship viable, sustainable,

630
00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:21,279
Speaker 1: and effective. Mhm. I'm not gonna lie to you. My

631
00:37:21,320 --> 00:37:23,719
Speaker 1: mind is going right now because I'm going back in

632
00:37:23,800 --> 00:37:26,359
Speaker 1: my mind and thinking about all the things I've done

633
00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:29,799
Speaker 1: to my kids as a parent, and I just do

634
00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:33,239
Speaker 1: not want to mess my kids up. But everything you're

635
00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:36,359
Speaker 1: saying is is like it's true. You know. I do

636
00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:40,680
Speaker 1: sit in front of you sometimes and wonder like, is

637
00:37:40,719 --> 00:37:42,839
Speaker 1: she like this because of the where her parents were?

638
00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:45,719
Speaker 1: Am I responding to her like this because of the

639
00:37:45,760 --> 00:37:49,360
Speaker 1: way my parents were? And what could my parents have

640
00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:52,319
Speaker 1: done differently? You know, we definitely are aware of that.

641
00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:55,080
Speaker 1: I mean, you talk about how your relationship with your

642
00:37:55,120 --> 00:38:00,040
Speaker 1: mom in turn made you look for certain things and

643
00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:02,960
Speaker 1: and and then it also deal you deal with me

644
00:38:03,040 --> 00:38:04,799
Speaker 1: in a kind of way where you're like, well, my

645
00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:07,839
Speaker 1: mom and my dad did that, or my mom did

646
00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:10,800
Speaker 1: that to my dad, So my wife is not doing

647
00:38:10,840 --> 00:38:13,279
Speaker 1: that to me because I saw how that hurt my dad.

648
00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:17,239
Speaker 1: Like We've had many of moments like that, you know,

649
00:38:17,320 --> 00:38:20,680
Speaker 1: and vice versa. Like I wasn't exposed to this because

650
00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:22,440
Speaker 1: I didn't see my parents do it. So now I

651
00:38:22,480 --> 00:38:24,920
Speaker 1: had to learn how to be of service to you

652
00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:27,839
Speaker 1: in that capacity because I've never seen it or experienced it.

653
00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:32,600
Speaker 1: This conversation is very evolved. I want to say the

654
00:38:32,640 --> 00:38:37,200
Speaker 1: fact that we're even seeking answers to our behaviors and

655
00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:41,480
Speaker 1: addressing the internal um i'll say, reactions that we're having,

656
00:38:41,560 --> 00:38:44,920
Speaker 1: you know, like you two can see each other. A

657
00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:47,400
Speaker 1: child needs to be seen right. A child needs to

658
00:38:47,560 --> 00:38:51,120
Speaker 1: feel valued. A child needs to know that their needs

659
00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:53,799
Speaker 1: will be meant. Most importantly, a child needs to have

660
00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:57,239
Speaker 1: the ability to make mistakes right and learn in an

661
00:38:57,360 --> 00:39:00,400
Speaker 1: environment that's safe. And so that's what you too have

662
00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:02,359
Speaker 1: to give your sons. But it sounds like that's what

663
00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:09,360
Speaker 1: you two are giving each other, right, Yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely, Atlanta,

664
00:39:09,560 --> 00:39:12,120
Speaker 1: that you hit the nail on the head with that

665
00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:17,879
Speaker 1: one so often now in our relationship years later, where

666
00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:21,480
Speaker 1: my first instinct would have been to defend myself or

667
00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:25,279
Speaker 1: to point out where I know Cadeen is wrong, now

668
00:39:25,320 --> 00:39:28,239
Speaker 1: it's like, let me understand what she's saying, let me

669
00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:30,560
Speaker 1: see even if I don't agree, if I could at

670
00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:34,000
Speaker 1: least understand her perspective and try to meet her wherever

671
00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:37,520
Speaker 1: she is. That was not happening when we first got married,

672
00:39:37,600 --> 00:39:40,040
Speaker 1: or even when we first dated. It was always I

673
00:39:40,040 --> 00:39:42,759
Speaker 1: gotta prove that I'm right so that I can win,

674
00:39:43,040 --> 00:39:44,560
Speaker 1: or at least show her that I know what I'm

675
00:39:44,600 --> 00:39:47,680
Speaker 1: talking about. Now I don't really care about that it's

676
00:39:47,719 --> 00:39:50,600
Speaker 1: more about let me see where where I could have

677
00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:54,000
Speaker 1: been wrong and making her feel away, you know what

678
00:39:54,040 --> 00:39:56,600
Speaker 1: I'm saying. And I'm still working on that part because

679
00:39:56,640 --> 00:40:00,799
Speaker 1: sometimes I feel like I need him to understand my

680
00:40:00,960 --> 00:40:04,960
Speaker 1: intention when I either say something or do something or

681
00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:07,359
Speaker 1: there's an action that I performed that he doesn't like,

682
00:40:08,040 --> 00:40:11,319
Speaker 1: and instead of me saying, Okay, I acknowledge the way

683
00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:14,799
Speaker 1: this made you feel, in turn, I'm just like, well,

684
00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:17,399
Speaker 1: that's not the way I intended it. That was not

685
00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:20,600
Speaker 1: what I was seeking to do. This is the first

686
00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:25,799
Speaker 1: time she's admitted that like this is wow, Wow, we

687
00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:29,799
Speaker 1: had a breakthrough. How much you charge? This is the

688
00:40:29,880 --> 00:40:33,719
Speaker 1: first time she's ever admitted that, I'm shocked. So my

689
00:40:33,840 --> 00:40:37,880
Speaker 1: aim knowing that that is something that bothers him greatly

690
00:40:38,080 --> 00:40:40,200
Speaker 1: is for me to say, all right, Conneen, this may

691
00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:42,920
Speaker 1: not have been your attention, this may not have been

692
00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:46,200
Speaker 1: the way that you expected this to go, but here's

693
00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:49,280
Speaker 1: how it made him feel. So let's focus on that first,

694
00:40:50,120 --> 00:40:54,120
Speaker 1: and then we can you can say to yourself, well girl,

695
00:40:54,200 --> 00:41:00,239
Speaker 1: that's that how you meant it. But right so, oh

696
00:41:00,440 --> 00:41:05,399
Speaker 1: h that you have no idea how many years I've

697
00:41:05,440 --> 00:41:09,240
Speaker 1: been trying to explain that very thing to her, Codeine,

698
00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:12,839
Speaker 1: it's not about what you intended. It still made me

699
00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:18,520
Speaker 1: feel away and the style. I just wondering if it's

700
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:23,880
Speaker 1: just me feeling fearful of disappointing my parents. Maybe so

701
00:41:23,960 --> 00:41:25,920
Speaker 1: I always felt like everything I did I had to

702
00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:29,359
Speaker 1: have a reason to explain why I did it, and

703
00:41:29,400 --> 00:41:31,319
Speaker 1: I needed you to understand why I did it because

704
00:41:31,360 --> 00:41:33,440
Speaker 1: I felt like I'm not crazy in this moment. I

705
00:41:33,520 --> 00:41:35,759
Speaker 1: was very well thought out and why I did what

706
00:41:35,840 --> 00:41:39,400
Speaker 1: I did. But I was very fearful of disappointing my parents.

707
00:41:39,480 --> 00:41:42,319
Speaker 1: Growing up in a really strict West Indian household. It's

708
00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:45,399
Speaker 1: like you want to make sure that the last thing

709
00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:48,240
Speaker 1: you do is disappoint your family, and not just your parents,

710
00:41:48,239 --> 00:41:51,120
Speaker 1: but your extended family. And I was the first grandchild,

711
00:41:51,200 --> 00:41:55,399
Speaker 1: the first niece, the first daughter, so there was this

712
00:41:55,600 --> 00:42:00,040
Speaker 1: pressure I felt growing up not wanting to disappoint and

713
00:42:00,440 --> 00:42:07,600
Speaker 1: sounds preoccupied. Yeah, and uh. And it's like you strive

714
00:42:07,680 --> 00:42:12,560
Speaker 1: for its self acceptance, to validation. Yeah. And you don't

715
00:42:12,560 --> 00:42:15,719
Speaker 1: want to feel not good enough in those situations. You

716
00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:19,919
Speaker 1: don't want him to see you in any imperfection. Mm hmm.

717
00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:22,000
Speaker 1: I'm feeling your body and it's overwhelming. It's not a

718
00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:26,120
Speaker 1: new feeling, it's a virtual Yeah. Yeah, yeah, absolutely that

719
00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:29,560
Speaker 1: Wow is it? Yeah? Do you have the baby crying too?

720
00:42:30,960 --> 00:42:34,680
Speaker 1: But oh my god. Yes, there's this perfection, this level

721
00:42:34,719 --> 00:42:37,319
Speaker 1: of perfection that I strive to and it's almost embarrassing

722
00:42:37,920 --> 00:42:39,640
Speaker 1: for me to feel like I'm not living up to

723
00:42:39,719 --> 00:42:46,280
Speaker 1: that as a wife or as a mom. Wow. See, Delayne,

724
00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:49,880
Speaker 1: every time you come, we have a different type of breakthrough.

725
00:42:50,320 --> 00:42:51,759
Speaker 1: So this this is what we're gonna do. We're gonna

726
00:42:51,760 --> 00:42:53,319
Speaker 1: have to take a quick break really quick. So I

727
00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:55,960
Speaker 1: know Delna has a heart out. We have some listener

728
00:42:56,080 --> 00:42:59,680
Speaker 1: letters that typically we try our best to answer to

729
00:42:59,719 --> 00:43:03,040
Speaker 1: listen letters. Since we have a professional we would were

730
00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:04,880
Speaker 1: wondering if you would listen to them and try to

731
00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:07,960
Speaker 1: point out what kind of attachment this person happens. So

732
00:43:08,400 --> 00:43:10,960
Speaker 1: we're gonna take a quick break, come back and go

733
00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:13,040
Speaker 1: through the liking a letter sounds good? It sounds good.

734
00:43:23,640 --> 00:43:26,080
Speaker 1: All right, Now we're back after our break. Of course,

735
00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:30,200
Speaker 1: we're with DELANEA Zimmerman. Coincidentally, my family is from down South.

736
00:43:30,280 --> 00:43:32,160
Speaker 1: Their last name is Zimmerman as well. Did we have

737
00:43:32,200 --> 00:43:36,080
Speaker 1: that conversation. Yes, the Zimmerman is the ellis Is and

738
00:43:36,120 --> 00:43:48,200
Speaker 1: the Zimmerman's Yeah, Black Zimmerman's Yeah from down South. We

739
00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:51,359
Speaker 1: have to do some research, so here we go. Number one.

740
00:43:52,360 --> 00:43:54,360
Speaker 1: I have been in a relationship for almost two years

741
00:43:54,400 --> 00:43:57,719
Speaker 1: now with this amazing person. He's had some bad experiences

742
00:43:57,760 --> 00:43:59,759
Speaker 1: with girls and family, which caused him to be very

743
00:43:59,800 --> 00:44:03,280
Speaker 1: csed off. He doesn't like to communicate unless he gets mad,

744
00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:05,600
Speaker 1: unless it all out in a bad way. We have

745
00:44:05,680 --> 00:44:07,560
Speaker 1: been through so much and recently got stuck at a

746
00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:11,280
Speaker 1: wall that we need to climb over together. However, sometimes

747
00:44:11,320 --> 00:44:13,360
Speaker 1: I feel as if I'm the only one willing to

748
00:44:13,400 --> 00:44:16,120
Speaker 1: fight to continue this relationship. I know he is an

749
00:44:16,120 --> 00:44:18,920
Speaker 1: amazing person, but all the heart and pain from the

750
00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:21,680
Speaker 1: previous relationship is causing him and I had to clash

751
00:44:21,800 --> 00:44:25,000
Speaker 1: more than it is allowing us to grow and build

752
00:44:25,040 --> 00:44:28,120
Speaker 1: an empire. I love him, I want nothing but happiness

753
00:44:28,200 --> 00:44:30,239
Speaker 1: for us, But how do I get through to him

754
00:44:30,280 --> 00:44:32,840
Speaker 1: and help him understand I'm here to uplift him and

755
00:44:32,880 --> 00:44:35,480
Speaker 1: not tear him down. I just want him to understand

756
00:44:35,520 --> 00:44:37,880
Speaker 1: that he is a king with or without me, and

757
00:44:37,920 --> 00:44:40,440
Speaker 1: I support him no matter what, even if it means

758
00:44:40,719 --> 00:44:42,480
Speaker 1: he needs to take a step back from things to

759
00:44:42,560 --> 00:44:44,839
Speaker 1: figure some things out. I hope you guys are able

760
00:44:44,880 --> 00:44:49,279
Speaker 1: to give me some advice on how to deal with this. Well,

761
00:44:49,320 --> 00:44:55,719
Speaker 1: he sounds dismissing, right, mm hmmm, right, He's sounds like

762
00:44:55,760 --> 00:44:59,480
Speaker 1: she's begging him to be intimate and vulnerable with her.

763
00:44:59,800 --> 00:45:04,080
Speaker 1: I see your beauty, but he can't reciprocate to her

764
00:45:04,160 --> 00:45:08,120
Speaker 1: what she needs. She sounds like she is preoccupied. Yes,

765
00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:11,879
Speaker 1: she needs it, right, she's give me the relationship, give

766
00:45:11,920 --> 00:45:14,000
Speaker 1: me what you guy, give me what your guy. Make

767
00:45:14,080 --> 00:45:16,400
Speaker 1: me whole. I can make you whole, And that's what

768
00:45:16,480 --> 00:45:19,400
Speaker 1: it sounds like to me. And no, you can't. I

769
00:45:19,520 --> 00:45:23,319
Speaker 1: have to let that reader know you cannot make this

770
00:45:23,360 --> 00:45:28,640
Speaker 1: man whole. M He has to do his own work.

771
00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:33,480
Speaker 1: He has to realize his own kingdom, his own kingship,

772
00:45:33,920 --> 00:45:36,800
Speaker 1: in order for him to become a king. You can't

773
00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:41,000
Speaker 1: create that in him. These these listener letters often sound

774
00:45:41,160 --> 00:45:44,120
Speaker 1: so similar, right. It often seems like there is a

775
00:45:44,160 --> 00:45:47,359
Speaker 1: man who was unsure about how or what, and there's

776
00:45:47,360 --> 00:45:49,400
Speaker 1: a woman that's like, I want him to be the

777
00:45:49,480 --> 00:45:52,000
Speaker 1: king that I need him to be. How can I

778
00:45:52,200 --> 00:45:55,560
Speaker 1: make him be what I need him to be? There's

779
00:45:55,600 --> 00:46:00,319
Speaker 1: a lot of similarities in almost every listener letter. I'm

780
00:46:00,320 --> 00:46:04,279
Speaker 1: believing that it's how we're conditioned as people. Men are

781
00:46:04,360 --> 00:46:07,120
Speaker 1: raised a certain way, women are raised a certain way,

782
00:46:07,400 --> 00:46:09,960
Speaker 1: and that's why when we get to this point of

783
00:46:10,200 --> 00:46:13,120
Speaker 1: trying to be intimate with each other, there's always a block. Yeah,

784
00:46:13,560 --> 00:46:15,680
Speaker 1: you know, what are your thoughts on that, Delena? Well,

785
00:46:15,800 --> 00:46:18,120
Speaker 1: you know, we talked a little bit about being descendants

786
00:46:18,160 --> 00:46:21,960
Speaker 1: of the enslaved in America and that has created a

787
00:46:22,000 --> 00:46:24,680
Speaker 1: certain conditioning. And I have to say it because I

788
00:46:24,719 --> 00:46:27,719
Speaker 1: do not want us to kind of tiptoe around this thing. Right.

789
00:46:29,040 --> 00:46:32,960
Speaker 1: Um the way that UM men and women had to

790
00:46:33,000 --> 00:46:36,400
Speaker 1: be conditioned had so that they can survive on a

791
00:46:36,480 --> 00:46:42,120
Speaker 1: plantation in slavery. So women were taught to be independent

792
00:46:42,640 --> 00:46:46,000
Speaker 1: and not necessarily show their emotion, and they were taught

793
00:46:46,040 --> 00:46:49,440
Speaker 1: to protect the man because they saw the man be brutalized.

794
00:46:49,480 --> 00:46:51,800
Speaker 1: So their sons they talked to, you know, make small

795
00:46:51,960 --> 00:46:55,399
Speaker 1: and don't become too much, because you can be brutalized

796
00:46:55,440 --> 00:46:58,640
Speaker 1: on the plantation. They were also taught not to look

797
00:46:58,719 --> 00:47:02,120
Speaker 1: to the man as the source their power, their strength,

798
00:47:02,440 --> 00:47:06,040
Speaker 1: because that's why away and taken away, he's going to

799
00:47:06,080 --> 00:47:09,440
Speaker 1: be destroyed, ripped in half in front of you potentially.

800
00:47:10,600 --> 00:47:14,759
Speaker 1: So this conditioning kept going. If we just say the

801
00:47:14,840 --> 00:47:17,880
Speaker 1: day that slaves were freed, let's just say slaves are

802
00:47:17,880 --> 00:47:21,360
Speaker 1: freed on dune team, let's see. And so I'm rolling around,

803
00:47:21,800 --> 00:47:25,239
Speaker 1: I've been in I've been conditioned in slavery to be

804
00:47:25,280 --> 00:47:28,760
Speaker 1: a particular way. The man has been conditioned in slavery

805
00:47:28,800 --> 00:47:30,720
Speaker 1: to be a particular way because he was some slave

806
00:47:31,280 --> 00:47:37,120
Speaker 1: mother's son. I'm some slave mother's daughter. And when we

807
00:47:37,160 --> 00:47:39,160
Speaker 1: get together, how am I going to raise my children?

808
00:47:39,160 --> 00:47:42,719
Speaker 1: How are we going to raise our children the same

809
00:47:42,760 --> 00:47:47,040
Speaker 1: way we were raising were raised? Absolutely, and that hasn't

810
00:47:47,080 --> 00:47:50,279
Speaker 1: been that many years ago, and so on and so

811
00:47:50,400 --> 00:47:54,040
Speaker 1: on and so on. So here we are now with

812
00:47:54,160 --> 00:47:57,480
Speaker 1: the same conditioning from our plantation parents. You set the

813
00:47:57,560 --> 00:47:59,640
Speaker 1: South I'm from. I have the people from the South

814
00:47:59,640 --> 00:48:04,120
Speaker 1: that raised me. I picked my own m oh so

815
00:48:04,200 --> 00:48:09,680
Speaker 1: you know, yeah, absolutely. So it's going to create a

816
00:48:09,680 --> 00:48:13,879
Speaker 1: particular type of dismissive attachment for young men because they

817
00:48:13,880 --> 00:48:16,960
Speaker 1: can't show their emotion. It's going to create sort of

818
00:48:17,280 --> 00:48:21,399
Speaker 1: preoccupied attachment and dismissive attachment for women because they can't

819
00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:24,600
Speaker 1: show their emotion, or if they do, they can't get

820
00:48:24,680 --> 00:48:27,480
Speaker 1: their grass around the man. It hasn't evolved and became

821
00:48:28,320 --> 00:48:33,480
Speaker 1: and that's the condition that we have, Yes, the sickness

822
00:48:34,360 --> 00:48:39,000
Speaker 1: that Yep, this is the first time I've ever heard

823
00:48:39,040 --> 00:48:43,640
Speaker 1: about attachments, But it makes so much sense to down like,

824
00:48:44,000 --> 00:48:47,120
Speaker 1: it really makes so much sense, especially when you look

825
00:48:47,160 --> 00:48:50,000
Speaker 1: at society and even the issue that we're having. Even

826
00:48:50,040 --> 00:48:52,360
Speaker 1: if you look at social media and you see the debates.

827
00:48:52,880 --> 00:48:55,680
Speaker 1: Even though I like to say social media is typically

828
00:48:55,680 --> 00:48:59,240
Speaker 1: the loud minority, you know, the vast majority of people

829
00:48:59,280 --> 00:49:02,239
Speaker 1: who are thinking, being freely and intellectual about these things

830
00:49:02,280 --> 00:49:05,319
Speaker 1: are not on social media. But when you see the

831
00:49:05,360 --> 00:49:08,120
Speaker 1: debates on social media, how people are responding to each other,

832
00:49:08,239 --> 00:49:11,440
Speaker 1: especially in our communities, that makes sense. All of this

833
00:49:11,560 --> 00:49:15,040
Speaker 1: conditioning for hundreds of years. You know, it's not going

834
00:49:15,120 --> 00:49:19,880
Speaker 1: to be changed in one or two generations. Promised it

835
00:49:19,920 --> 00:49:22,480
Speaker 1: would last three hundred years. He was wrong. It's lasted

836
00:49:22,480 --> 00:49:29,239
Speaker 1: four hundred. Wow. And I think we're finally acknowledging it

837
00:49:29,400 --> 00:49:34,759
Speaker 1: in our generation, the millennials for sure. So we see

838
00:49:34,800 --> 00:49:36,359
Speaker 1: this is why we gotta we don't even have time

839
00:49:36,400 --> 00:49:38,760
Speaker 1: for another listener letter. We have to have the Lana

840
00:49:38,840 --> 00:49:43,960
Speaker 1: back again because I do want to definitely, because every

841
00:49:44,000 --> 00:49:47,200
Speaker 1: time you come it kind of like it's like a

842
00:49:47,320 --> 00:49:50,279
Speaker 1: lightbulb goes off, you know, like it's like, what this

843
00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:53,040
Speaker 1: is why I understand why people go to therapy because

844
00:49:53,080 --> 00:49:55,960
Speaker 1: it just teaches you so much about social behavior. But

845
00:49:56,080 --> 00:49:58,680
Speaker 1: being a parent, I think it's important for me. This

846
00:49:58,760 --> 00:50:01,520
Speaker 1: is another thing we should talk to. Parents should go

847
00:50:01,680 --> 00:50:06,719
Speaker 1: to therapy in order to learn how to be yes,

848
00:50:06,800 --> 00:50:10,719
Speaker 1: con communicate. Yes, absolutely, it goes my moment of thought, right,

849
00:50:10,800 --> 00:50:16,560
Speaker 1: my mind, a moment of truth. Well, we're always growing

850
00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:22,759
Speaker 1: towards more secure attachment. I am, M, I am so.

851
00:50:24,400 --> 00:50:26,319
Speaker 1: I mean, we could talk about this for a long time.

852
00:50:26,400 --> 00:50:30,440
Speaker 1: I just wanted to add one other piece. Mhm, close

853
00:50:30,520 --> 00:50:34,760
Speaker 1: us out. Security is not the responsibility of your partner.

854
00:50:36,360 --> 00:50:38,640
Speaker 1: So you make me feel insecure when you do that.

855
00:50:38,880 --> 00:50:43,000
Speaker 1: When you do that, it affects my insecure issues, my

856
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:46,560
Speaker 1: my abandonment issues. Like so that's what the conversations are

857
00:50:47,160 --> 00:50:52,759
Speaker 1: are sounding. Security is not anyone else's responsibility. If I'm

858
00:50:52,760 --> 00:50:56,560
Speaker 1: a safe person, I'm responsible to feel insecure, to feel

859
00:50:56,600 --> 00:51:01,440
Speaker 1: secure in myself, and I bring my secure self two relationships,

860
00:51:02,000 --> 00:51:06,359
Speaker 1: my autonomous self to relationships. Hopefully you feel secure in

861
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:09,840
Speaker 1: yourself and you can bring that to the relationship and

862
00:51:09,840 --> 00:51:13,440
Speaker 1: then we can be safe with each other. But if

863
00:51:13,440 --> 00:51:16,359
Speaker 1: I'm looking for you to make me feel a particular way,

864
00:51:16,560 --> 00:51:21,160
Speaker 1: I am enslaved. I am dependent, and I am going

865
00:51:21,239 --> 00:51:24,880
Speaker 1: to this relationship doesn't have the ability to survive that

866
00:51:27,360 --> 00:51:30,759
Speaker 1: security is your issue. So that's the first time I've

867
00:51:30,800 --> 00:51:33,680
Speaker 1: ever heard that, because we hear that about happiness, no

868
00:51:33,719 --> 00:51:35,759
Speaker 1: one else can make you happy, But I've never heard

869
00:51:35,760 --> 00:51:39,120
Speaker 1: anyone say no one else can make you feel secure.

870
00:51:39,600 --> 00:51:44,840
Speaker 1: That's not my responsibility. That's deep. That's super deep. A

871
00:51:44,920 --> 00:51:49,840
Speaker 1: word on a Wednesday. Thank you, Delna. Oh my goodness,

872
00:51:50,360 --> 00:51:55,040
Speaker 1: season seven. I'm looking forward to season eight. All good stuff.

873
00:51:55,680 --> 00:51:57,640
Speaker 1: Um for one more time, y'all give it up for

874
00:51:57,719 --> 00:52:00,919
Speaker 1: Delane's ever man. Thank you so much for it's never

875
00:52:01,080 --> 00:52:05,600
Speaker 1: long enough with you. You absolutely taking us on and

876
00:52:05,680 --> 00:52:08,000
Speaker 1: know this was like a quick hey, we have a topic,

877
00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:10,040
Speaker 1: real quick, CA, can you jump on this call today?

878
00:52:10,120 --> 00:52:12,719
Speaker 1: So we appreciate you, and we hope that someday we

879
00:52:12,719 --> 00:52:15,400
Speaker 1: can meet in person where you based that again, Los Angeles,

880
00:52:16,000 --> 00:52:17,879
Speaker 1: Los Angeles. Okay, so when we're back on the West

881
00:52:17,960 --> 00:52:22,640
Speaker 1: coast and if Rona and calm down, I would love

882
00:52:22,719 --> 00:52:24,480
Speaker 1: to meet you in person one day for like an

883
00:52:24,480 --> 00:52:27,600
Speaker 1: in studio session. I can just imagine the energy in

884
00:52:27,600 --> 00:52:30,320
Speaker 1: that space would be amazing, because it's always amazing through zoom.

885
00:52:30,400 --> 00:52:34,759
Speaker 1: So thank you again. Tell everybody where they can find you. Yeah, oh,

886
00:52:34,840 --> 00:52:38,120
Speaker 1: you can find me on Instagram at Delane's Immerment Therapy

887
00:52:38,400 --> 00:52:42,800
Speaker 1: also Delane's Demmerment Therapy dot com. Sounds good alright, So

888
00:52:42,920 --> 00:52:46,040
Speaker 1: moment of true time that almost If you'd like to

889
00:52:46,080 --> 00:52:49,359
Speaker 1: be featured as one letters, email us at dead as

890
00:52:49,480 --> 00:52:52,160
Speaker 1: Advice at gmail dot com. That's d E A D

891
00:52:52,480 --> 00:52:55,359
Speaker 1: A S S A D V I C E at

892
00:52:55,400 --> 00:52:58,759
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. Now on to the moment of true time? Um,

893
00:52:58,800 --> 00:53:01,800
Speaker 1: do you have one moment of truth? I'm always speaking

894
00:53:01,800 --> 00:53:05,160
Speaker 1: to delna Is is like enlightening because of course she's

895
00:53:05,160 --> 00:53:07,080
Speaker 1: a professional of what she does, but she also makes

896
00:53:07,120 --> 00:53:09,840
Speaker 1: you think about things. Right. We've heard so many people

897
00:53:09,920 --> 00:53:14,239
Speaker 1: talk about happiness, right, and I'm not responsible for my

898
00:53:14,280 --> 00:53:17,800
Speaker 1: spouses or my partner's happiness. One thing she said today

899
00:53:17,880 --> 00:53:20,440
Speaker 1: that resonated with me is also I am not responsible

900
00:53:20,480 --> 00:53:25,600
Speaker 1: for my spouses security. That I've never heard that before,

901
00:53:25,640 --> 00:53:27,960
Speaker 1: but I heard it today and it really made it

902
00:53:28,040 --> 00:53:31,120
Speaker 1: resonated with me because you and I had had this

903
00:53:31,200 --> 00:53:34,120
Speaker 1: conversation and our concerns every time we step out. I

904
00:53:34,200 --> 00:53:36,399
Speaker 1: hope my wife is you know, my hope my wife

905
00:53:36,400 --> 00:53:39,640
Speaker 1: feels comfortable with this, and learning to say that it's

906
00:53:39,680 --> 00:53:42,520
Speaker 1: not up to me to make you feel comfortable. It

907
00:53:42,600 --> 00:53:44,719
Speaker 1: is up to you to find comfort within yourself and

908
00:53:44,760 --> 00:53:47,560
Speaker 1: to bring that to the relationship and vice versa. Is

909
00:53:47,640 --> 00:53:49,920
Speaker 1: up to me to feel comfortable and let you know,

910
00:53:50,000 --> 00:53:52,120
Speaker 1: let you That's what we talk about. Remember we did

911
00:53:52,239 --> 00:53:55,759
Speaker 1: a whole podcast on no rules. Remember we did a

912
00:53:55,760 --> 00:53:58,560
Speaker 1: whole podcast on no rules and no obligations, And this

913
00:53:58,600 --> 00:54:01,279
Speaker 1: is once again affirmation that we're on the right path

914
00:54:01,400 --> 00:54:05,920
Speaker 1: to living a healthy relationship with no obligations and freedom

915
00:54:06,040 --> 00:54:08,160
Speaker 1: of choice and freedom matorious is always And I love

916
00:54:08,200 --> 00:54:11,680
Speaker 1: how that security then spirals into trust, like she said,

917
00:54:11,800 --> 00:54:13,759
Speaker 1: like it's hand in hand. So the more secure we

918
00:54:13,800 --> 00:54:17,479
Speaker 1: are within ourselves, we're able to then trust that we're

919
00:54:17,520 --> 00:54:19,880
Speaker 1: doing our parts and then we just leave it up

920
00:54:19,880 --> 00:54:22,560
Speaker 1: to our partner to do their part. Um My moment

921
00:54:22,600 --> 00:54:26,920
Speaker 1: of truth is we talked about people going to therapy,

922
00:54:26,960 --> 00:54:30,040
Speaker 1: going in therapy, but I never realized how vital therapy

923
00:54:30,239 --> 00:54:33,560
Speaker 1: is for someone having a child, and how that can

924
00:54:33,600 --> 00:54:36,400
Speaker 1: help you unpack who you are, how you were raised,

925
00:54:36,400 --> 00:54:38,360
Speaker 1: and how all of those things you're now bringing to

926
00:54:39,120 --> 00:54:42,640
Speaker 1: your parenting style, not just that relationship, but your parenting style,

927
00:54:42,680 --> 00:54:47,560
Speaker 1: and then you shaping the way your child deals with

928
00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:50,680
Speaker 1: attachment in this world. An attachment again, like we said,

929
00:54:50,719 --> 00:54:54,680
Speaker 1: not being a negative word or a stigma, but relationships.

930
00:54:54,760 --> 00:54:57,919
Speaker 1: How does your child then deal with relationships based off

931
00:54:57,920 --> 00:55:01,640
Speaker 1: of how you've parented them for that ragile eighteen month period,

932
00:55:01,960 --> 00:55:03,680
Speaker 1: Which makes me feel like I'm going to have Dakota

933
00:55:03,840 --> 00:55:06,200
Speaker 1: with me the entire time now. I can't let him

934
00:55:06,239 --> 00:55:10,279
Speaker 1: cry have attachment issues about and I dont have to

935
00:55:10,480 --> 00:55:14,840
Speaker 1: know you wasn't listening. We can walk on. There's a balance,

936
00:55:14,960 --> 00:55:18,200
Speaker 1: there's a balance. I should always be. They should always

937
00:55:18,239 --> 00:55:21,879
Speaker 1: leave with love. Absolutely, We're always ending and leading with love,

938
00:55:22,360 --> 00:55:25,520
Speaker 1: all right, y'all? Well, find us on social media at

939
00:55:25,640 --> 00:55:28,319
Speaker 1: dead ass the podcast I'm Cadine, I am and I

940
00:55:28,360 --> 00:55:30,480
Speaker 1: Am Devout, And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be

941
00:55:30,560 --> 00:55:34,680
Speaker 1: sure to rate, review, and and this is a shareable episode, y'all,

942
00:55:34,719 --> 00:55:37,640
Speaker 1: because everyone can find something to relate to in this

943
00:55:38,000 --> 00:55:40,840
Speaker 1: and be honest with yourself and try to dissect yourself

944
00:55:41,280 --> 00:55:43,920
Speaker 1: and share this with someone who you think might be

945
00:55:43,960 --> 00:55:48,160
Speaker 1: able to get some gems because there were a lots

946
00:55:48,200 --> 00:55:53,160
Speaker 1: an abundance of gems Overflowing. Dead Ass is a production

947
00:55:53,200 --> 00:55:55,799
Speaker 1: of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by

948
00:55:55,840 --> 00:55:59,759
Speaker 1: Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at

949
00:55:59,800 --> 00:56:01,960
Speaker 1: dead to ask the podcast and never miss a thing.

950
00:56:11,680 --> 00:56:11,719
Speaker 1: H