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Speaker 1: Okay, guys, I am officially on my High and Mighty tour.

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Speaker 1: March thirteenth, Cleveland, Ohio. March fourteenth Columbus, Ohio. March fifteenth, Cincinnati, Ohio,

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Speaker 1: and then March twentieth is Denver, Colorado. March twenty seventh, Portland, Maine.

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Speaker 1: March twenty eighth, Providence, Rhode Island. March twenty ninth, Springfield, Massachusetts.

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Speaker 1: April tenth is Chicago. I'll be at the Chicago Theater.

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Speaker 1: April eleventh, Indianapolis, Indiana. April twelfth Louisville, Kentucky. April sixteenth

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Speaker 1: is Albuquerque, New Mexico. April seventeenth is Mesa, Arizona. April

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Speaker 1: twenty third is Kansas City, Missouri. April twenty fourth is

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Speaker 1: Saint Louis, Missouri. April twenty fifth is Minneapolis, Minnesota. April

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Speaker 1: thirtieth Nashville, Tennessee. May first is Charlotte, North Carolina. May

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Speaker 1: second is Durham, North Carolina. May sixth, I'm doing Netflix

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Speaker 1: as a joke festival. I will be in Los Angeles.

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Speaker 1: That is a new announcement, along with Atlantic City. May fifteenth, Toga, California.

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Speaker 1: May sixteenth, Monterey, California, May seventeenth Modesto, California, and then June.

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Speaker 2: Fourth, Portchester, New York.

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Speaker 1: June fifth is Boston, mass And June twelfth is Portland, Oregon.

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Speaker 2: And then Seattle is June thirteenth, So suck on that. Everybody.

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Speaker 2: Go to Chelseahandler dot com for tickets. Okay, Hi Catherine,

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Speaker 2: Hi Chelsea.

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Speaker 3: Where in the world are you?

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Speaker 2: Oh?

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Speaker 1: Today, I'm in Toronto. I had a show last night

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Speaker 1: in Ontario. I had a weekend full of shows kicking.

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Speaker 2: Off our tour.

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Speaker 1: Well this wasn't a kickoff, but I had a really

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Speaker 1: fun weekend.

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Speaker 2: Megan Gaily opened for me. Not kickoff, but still early yeah,

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Speaker 2: still early.

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Speaker 1: The tour has been so fucking fun as usual, and

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Speaker 1: we're having a great time. And I'm about to go

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Speaker 1: meet my cowboy at the airport because we're going away

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Speaker 1: for my birthday.

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Speaker 2: Oh yay, Oh yeah.

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Speaker 4: I see.

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Speaker 2: I thought that makea trip was the getaway.

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Speaker 1: This is a different That was his birthday. That was

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Speaker 1: his birthday. Girl, I'm not going to Jamaica for my birthday.

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Speaker 1: That's for someone else.

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Speaker 3: Is it bad to date another Pisces? Is he also

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Speaker 3: a Pisces?

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Speaker 2: Now he's an Aquarius?

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Speaker 3: Okay, well right, that's probably fine.

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Speaker 2: I don't know much about it.

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Speaker 1: I don't know much about it either, I mean honestly,

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Speaker 1: but luckily enough people in this.

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Speaker 2: World keep telling me about it.

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Speaker 4: Great.

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Speaker 2: So yes, we're on the beginning of a very big adventure.

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Speaker 2: So I am ready to rumble.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm happy for you. All I've done the last

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Speaker 3: two weeks is watch Olympics. So I don't have much

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Speaker 3: to tell other than it was such a good one.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, the Olympics. I've been such a good one. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: it was.

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Speaker 3: There was so much like women supporting women. Did you

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Speaker 3: see the slalom where the Italian woman won and there

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Speaker 3: were two people who had been tied for gold, two

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Speaker 3: women who had been tied for gold, and when the

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Speaker 3: Italian woman won by almost zero point seven seconds, the

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Speaker 3: other two women like came in fell to their knees

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Speaker 3: and were like, we're not worthy, We're not worthy.

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Speaker 2: It was such a beautiful moment.

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Speaker 3: I was like, of course women would do that. That

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Speaker 3: was just wonderful.

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Speaker 2: That's nice.

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Speaker 1: It was definitely definitely great vibes, great vibes for this Olympics.

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Speaker 1: So many wins, so many exciting things happened. Yeah, It

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Speaker 1: was really really heartwarming and in perfect time in our

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Speaker 1: country where we can remind people of the good stuff

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Speaker 1: about America rather than absolutely minus the fucking US men's

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Speaker 1: hockey team celebrating with Cash Battell like a bunch of

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Speaker 1: toxic assholes. Boo minus that part, Okay, Like I honestly

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Speaker 1: if oh also, I just want to add I have

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Speaker 1: about two weeks off and then I have March seventh

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Speaker 1: in Vegas, and then I have three shows in Ohio.

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Speaker 1: So I want people in Ohio to know I am

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Speaker 1: coming to Cleveland, Columbus and Cincinnati.

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Speaker 2: That's March thirteenth, fourteenth, and fifteenth. So I will be

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Speaker 2: back stateside amazing. And this is all new material, right,

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Speaker 2: somebody was asking me. I was like, I think it's

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Speaker 2: all new matures. Of course, it's all the new tour.

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Speaker 2: It's a new tour. Yeah, it's all news.

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Speaker 4: So if you saw her last time, go see her

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Speaker 4: again exactly.

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Speaker 1: Anyway, we have a very fun guest today who is

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Speaker 1: from Second Life on Netflix and The l Word. She's

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Speaker 1: got a new book. It's called Life Is Lifey the

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Speaker 1: a disease navigating Life's messy middle. And you can also

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Speaker 1: find her in the upcoming season of Hulu's Paradise and

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Speaker 1: the upcoming sequel to Red White and Royal Blue. So

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Speaker 1: please welcome actress and author Sarah Shahi.

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Speaker 4: Hi Sarah, Oh my god, Hi stereo alltogether now, Hi ladies,

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Speaker 4: Hi que How are you? I'm well, how are you?

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Speaker 4: Where are you right now? Because that background is heaven.

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Speaker 2: I'm in Whistler, Canada.

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Speaker 1: Oh that's where I have my winter chalet.

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Speaker 4: I love that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, where are.

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Speaker 4: You not in a winter chalet? I'm in the Oaks

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Speaker 4: of Sherman.

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Speaker 2: Oh that's so romantic.

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Speaker 1: It sounds like something out of Hamnut the Oaks of Sherman.

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Speaker 4: By the way, I saw you Critics Choice, and you

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Speaker 4: are so fucking funny. I know I'm like the millionth

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Speaker 4: person to tell you that, but I was. I was

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Speaker 4: so excited to do this a just because I've been

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Speaker 4: an admirer for a long time, but especially after seeing

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Speaker 4: you at Critics Choice, I was like, this is just

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Speaker 4: going to be wonderful. Thank you, Universe, Thank you.

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Speaker 2: I appreciate that.

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Speaker 1: And you can imagine my surprise when I was reading

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Speaker 1: your book and came across a chapter opening with one

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Speaker 1: of my quotes, one of my favorite quotes of all time. Actually,

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Speaker 1: I read it and I was like, oh, this sounds

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Speaker 1: and then I saw my name.

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Speaker 2: I'm like, this sounds very familiar.

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Speaker 4: That's so funny. I yeah, you know what. I'm like

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Speaker 4: a walking bumper sticker. I love to talk and just

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Speaker 4: like a little bite sized phrases. And I saw your

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Speaker 4: quote and I loved And you know, you've been so

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Speaker 4: open about your journey with heartbreak and relationships in the

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Speaker 4: past that listening to you talk about that really warmed

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Speaker 4: me up and opened up a side of me towards

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Speaker 4: you that I I hadn't felt before. So I've just,

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Speaker 4: like I said, I've always just followed you. And then

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Speaker 4: whenever I was using quotes and I saw that one

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Speaker 4: and then this came through, I was like, oh my god,

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Speaker 4: she's my new best friend.

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Speaker 2: I know. I love it.

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Speaker 1: I really enjoyed your book because I think, first of all,

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Speaker 1: it's going to be great for all of our listeners,

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Speaker 1: because we have so many women that are listening to

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Speaker 1: this and they're on a lot of them are married,

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Speaker 1: and a lot of them are in marriages that they

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Speaker 1: probably are thinking about getting out of. Just taking the

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Speaker 1: temperature of the world that we live in today. So

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Speaker 1: this is a really beautiful book that talks about these

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Speaker 1: changes and how to handle them with grace and a

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Speaker 1: plum and how not to beat yourself up about the

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Speaker 1: decisions you make, and as a great stark reminder that

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Speaker 1: you are the most important person in your universe and

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Speaker 1: if you don't take care of yourself, nobody else is

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Speaker 1: going to. So like a lot of these themes, I think,

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Speaker 1: you know, I know, I've written books that cover a

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Speaker 1: lot of these themes from a you know, female perspective,

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Speaker 1: but not necessarily a marriage perspective.

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Speaker 2: So I want to talk to you first.

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Speaker 1: I want to talk a little bit about you know,

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Speaker 1: you talk about leaving a marriage, your your ex husband.

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Speaker 1: You filed for divorce or asked for a divorce, like

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Speaker 1: right when the lockdown started for COVID. Yeah, and you

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Speaker 1: have and you have three children, a set of twins

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Speaker 1: and another child. So tell us did that impact your decision?

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Speaker 1: First of all, because obviously, when you're thinking about divorce,

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Speaker 1: as you say in your book, you're thinking about it

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Speaker 1: for a long time. It's not something you just blurt out.

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Speaker 1: But when you did blurt it out, I felt such

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Speaker 1: a relief in the way you described your relief, like

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Speaker 1: finally you've said it. It's out there. You can't take

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Speaker 1: it back, and it feels so good to.

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Speaker 2: Just unload, right.

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Speaker 4: It was like a big exhale. Yeah, you know, it's

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Speaker 4: it's tough. I feel that there are a lot of

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Speaker 4: unhappily married women out there, and we are so used

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Speaker 4: to this rhetoric where we have to come last, where

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Speaker 4: we have to put everybody first, and if we want

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Speaker 4: something that's larger than the life that we're living, that

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Speaker 4: we should feel ashamed or we shouldn't want that. And

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Speaker 4: you know, for me having children, you know here this

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Speaker 4: is another thing. It's a lot of people they stay

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Speaker 4: because of the children, and then they get a divorce

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Speaker 4: when the kids are in college. And I've spoken to

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Speaker 4: so many people like that, to which they always say,

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Speaker 4: we knew our parents were unhappy. We wish they would

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Speaker 4: have gotten it sooner. Staying in it for the kids,

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Speaker 4: Like you think you're doing the noble thing, but at

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Speaker 4: the end of the day, what are you modeling for

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Speaker 4: your children? You know, it's like wanting to go after

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Speaker 4: the life that I wanted for myself and also seeing

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Speaker 4: what I was modeling for my kids. I was like,

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Speaker 4: this needs to give me strength, and it did give

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Speaker 4: me strength. I pictured my daughter in my situation, and

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Speaker 4: I was like, would I be okay if she were

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Speaker 4: living out this version of my life? Would I be

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Speaker 4: okay if my sons were in a relationship where this

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Speaker 4: is how love was modeled and reciprocated. And the answer

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Speaker 4: was no to all of it. So as much as

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Speaker 4: it sucks, as much as you know, nobody gets married

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Speaker 4: thinking about their divorce, it was something that I was like,

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Speaker 4: I owe it to my children to show them a

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Speaker 4: mother who was happy, who was thriving, and who has

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Speaker 4: the guts to go after her dreams. So yeah, if anything,

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Speaker 4: the kids kind of propelled me into it. And you know,

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Speaker 4: like you said, this isn't a decision that comes overnight.

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Speaker 4: The demise of a relationship is never just one person.

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Speaker 4: It's two people, and it's you know, it's a downward

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Speaker 4: slope for a while. So I tried to use the

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Speaker 4: justification of let me stay in it for the kids,

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Speaker 4: or maybe I should do it tomorrow after dinner, you

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Speaker 4: know what I mean. It's like you just you try

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Speaker 4: to find those excuses, but at the end of the day,

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Speaker 4: there just comes a point where it's like a switch

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Speaker 4: gets turned on and you're like, I cannot keep doing

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Speaker 4: this to myself anymore. The pain of staying is greater

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Speaker 4: than the pain of leaving.

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Speaker 3: Well, and we do get questions like this a lot

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Speaker 3: from listeners. I think it's almost harder in that sort

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Speaker 3: of situation where it is the slow descent into unhappiness

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Speaker 3: then like he's a monster, right, The decision to leave

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Speaker 3: is much more difficult when it's not a monster, you know,

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Speaker 3: it's just you're not as happy as you could possibly be.

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Speaker 4: And also there's a lot of love there. You know,

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Speaker 4: when you're married to somebody for a long time and

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Speaker 4: you build a life and children and a home and memories,

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Speaker 4: and you know, there's just there's a lot of love,

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Speaker 4: and that love doesn't just go away, you know, even

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Speaker 4: if you want a divorce. It just that was the

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Speaker 4: other thing that was really interesting to me to explore

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Speaker 4: when all this happened, is where does that love go?

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Speaker 4: Where do the pictures on the wall live? What do

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Speaker 4: I do with the ring? Like all these things that

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Speaker 4: you don't think about right until after the fact. So yeah,

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Speaker 4: I'm happy that I get to sort of share my

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Speaker 4: experience with everybody.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think it's very I love what you

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Speaker 1: said about the kids, because that's everybody's excuse. Oh, we're

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Speaker 1: staying together for the kids. I can't tell you how

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Speaker 1: many people say that to me, men and women alike.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, it's and.

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Speaker 1: It's like, that's not your If that was happening to

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Speaker 1: your own kid, you would not want them to tolerate

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Speaker 1: that situation or stay in that situation.

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Speaker 2: And I mean something else that's.

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Speaker 1: I find fascinating, and I'm sure you did too, be yourself,

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Speaker 1: is that you were filming Sex Life at this time,

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Speaker 1: which was a mega hit on Netflix.

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Speaker 2: I watched three episodes of it yesterday.

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Speaker 1: And the fact that this was coinciding and like the

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Speaker 1: parallel to the character on the show who's unhappily married

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Speaker 1: and kind of reminiscing about them, not kind of, but

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Speaker 1: totally reminiscing about an ex that she had. First of all,

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Speaker 1: you're having so much sex on the show, So congratulations

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Speaker 1: on that victory.

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Speaker 4: It's been so long now, I've been single for about

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Speaker 4: a year. I don't even remember how it works anymore.

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Speaker 4: I'm like, do your arms go off? Like what do

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Speaker 4: you do? But yeah, I did have a lot of

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Speaker 4: sex on that show.

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Speaker 2: How fun, like how it was fun.

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Speaker 4: It was so much fun. It was you know, it

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Speaker 4: was one of those opportunities that you know, it really

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Speaker 4: was lightning in a bottle with that show. And we

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Speaker 4: started filming that show. Let's see it was it was COVID,

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Speaker 4: So it was about five to six months after I

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Speaker 4: had filed for divorce we started filming that show, and

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Speaker 4: as the world knows, I ended up with my co star.

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Speaker 4: And you know, the idea for the book really came

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Speaker 4: from the fact that when the show came out, it

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Speaker 4: coincided with the news of my divorce, and women from

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Speaker 4: all over the world like I didn't, you know, expect

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Speaker 4: to be on this platform. But because of the show's

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Speaker 4: topics and not only was it about a woman finding

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Speaker 4: the courage to go after what she wants, but it

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Speaker 4: was also very sexually empowering for women to speak up.

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Speaker 4: There were so many women that wrote to me and

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Speaker 4: they were just like, I've never had an orgasm before.

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Speaker 4: How do you be vocal? And I was like, Wow,

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Speaker 4: that's sad, because that's a God given birthright that we

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Speaker 4: all have to experience this kind of pleasure. You know. Meanwhile, viagra,

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Speaker 4: something that makes a limp dick hard, like just flies

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Speaker 4: off of everyone's tongue like it's every day vernacular. But

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Speaker 4: if we talk about sex, orgasms, uterus progesterone, you know,

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Speaker 4: hormonal differences, it's like we have to do it behind

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Speaker 4: closed doors. And I really want to be part of

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Speaker 4: the movement to change that. But yeah, people wrote to

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Speaker 4: me from everywhere like how did you have the guts?

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Speaker 2: You know?

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Speaker 4: And also how did you bag the like hot young

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Speaker 4: guy on the show? You know? So it was just

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Speaker 4: a space I found myself in and I was like,

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Speaker 4: let me put all of this somewhere that it can

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Speaker 4: live and it can serve as like a bible for

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Speaker 4: women who want a second act that's maybe better than

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Speaker 4: the first.

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Speaker 1: And I think that's one of the best best plot

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Speaker 1: parts of the book, is talking about how the second

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Speaker 1: act can be so much more rewarding than the first

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Speaker 1: act of your life, especially if you're a mom with children,

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Speaker 1: especially if you're in an unhappy marriage. I know it's

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Speaker 1: certainly true for me and I don't have children and

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Speaker 1: I've never been married. Just really smart decision making on

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Speaker 1: my behalf, but especially with regard to my personality.

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Speaker 2: Like that just wouldn't have been a good fit.

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Speaker 1: And I can't tell you how much more joyful and

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Speaker 1: confident and happy, and the bet the sex that I'm

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Speaker 1: having is so much better than the sex I was

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Speaker 1: having in my twenties.

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Speaker 2: It's like, yes, all women, hold on tight.

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Speaker 1: I promise you. We are here to send a message

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Speaker 1: that life gets better. I mean, it is kind of

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Speaker 1: hard to take a self help book seriously from somebody

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Speaker 1: as hot as you, so I mean I would say,

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Speaker 1: oh wow, how people would look at I mean, people

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Speaker 1: might think, oh, wait, what does this woman know about?

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Speaker 1: And I want to say, like, it's like when people say, oh,

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Speaker 1: you're a celebrity, you have nothing to worry about, You're rich,

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Speaker 1: you don't you know, it's none of that matters.

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Speaker 2: We're all going through the same shit.

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Speaker 1: All women are experiencing the same experiences, and I think

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Speaker 1: it's really it's nice to hear from a whole different

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Speaker 1: spectrum of women about their experience in this life.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, and I also feel too, It's like, you know,

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Speaker 4: I feel like everybody comes to the next chapter of

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Speaker 4: their life based on where they were last and also

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Speaker 4: childhood trauma, like I know, for me, you know, it's

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Speaker 4: like being single for the first time in my life

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Speaker 4: this last year and also throughout my relationship dynamics. My

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Speaker 4: childhood trauma really played a part in it. I mean,

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Speaker 4: I thought I was healed, you know, I thought I

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Speaker 4: had been through the therapy. I sat with the Shamans,

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Speaker 4: I meditated for five hours. I went into the desert

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Speaker 4: like I have no more problems anymore. And it's fascinating

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Speaker 4: the way these issues. You know, and I'm somebody who

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Speaker 4: believes that you attract partners that will help you achieve

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Speaker 4: your highest growth. Whether or not you look at it

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Speaker 4: as an opportunity like that and you learn from the

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Speaker 4: lessons is up to you. But being able to to

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Speaker 4: look at the impact my childhood, my abandonment issues, my

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Speaker 4: self worth, like it doesn't matter what somebody looks like

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Speaker 4: on the outside, it really is the inside. And that's

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Speaker 4: why I feel and this stage in my life and

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Speaker 4: you probably feel this too. It's like you've you've done

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Speaker 4: so much work, you're so confident, you know you're worth,

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Speaker 4: like you know how you take up space on this planet,

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Speaker 4: and you feel so good about that that you're not

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Speaker 4: willing to compromise for someone else.

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Speaker 1: And you come to the realization that the right people

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Speaker 1: are going to appreciate that and who you are and

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Speaker 1: who you've grown into the woman you've grown into.

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Speaker 2: You stop selling yourself.

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Speaker 1: And you start realizing that anyone worth their salt will

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Speaker 1: recognize how great you are.

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Speaker 2: You know, like, that's right, We're not performing anymore.

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Speaker 1: I'm not performing my personality for a guy that I

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Speaker 1: want to like me. I'm asking myself, do I like you?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 4: Right? And by the way, the other thing that I've

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Speaker 4: come to is if it doesn't work out or they

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Speaker 4: don't rescive, fine, Like, it doesn't mean I'm not good

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Speaker 4: or I'm not worthy or I did something wrong. It's

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Speaker 4: just not an alignment. And then you become open for

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Speaker 4: somebody who is an alignment. So yeah, it's just so

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Speaker 4: much more rewarding to be at this space in life

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Speaker 4: than the one before.

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Speaker 1: Something else I really liked was you talking about, you know,

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Speaker 1: your acting getting offers for the kind of same types

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Speaker 1: of roles, and you were kind of over it.

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Speaker 2: You're like, you're very prescriptive.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to keep doing this, and so you

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Speaker 1: stopped auditioning and you told your agents like, I'm not

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Speaker 1: doing I'm not going out for these roles anymore. And

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Speaker 1: you even got offered things that you turned down and said,

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Speaker 1: I'm not doing this. I'm just gonna wait until something

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Speaker 1: that is right and that serves me comes along.

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Speaker 2: And I really like, I love that.

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Speaker 1: Because I think so many people need to hear that

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Speaker 1: that you have to do things that make you happy

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Speaker 1: in order to have a magnetic attraction to the things

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Speaker 1: that are there that you're supposed to go through in life,

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Speaker 1: like when you are focusing on the negative and everything

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Speaker 1: does become negative, and when you choose to make yourself

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Speaker 1: happy by doing the things that make you happy. For me,

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Speaker 1: that skiing, it's reading books, it's spending time with my friends,

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Speaker 1: and it's also getting time alone. When I know that

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Speaker 1: I will infect others with my negative attitude if I'm

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Speaker 1: around them, you know, to retreat, like I've learned all

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Speaker 1: these things about myself that make me a happier person.

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Speaker 1: And you speak about that like finding out what it

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Speaker 1: is you like about yourself and what makes you happy

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Speaker 1: to do, and in the moments where you're not feeling it,

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Speaker 1: to actually exercise your right to practice the things that

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Speaker 1: bring joy to your life, because that is going to

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Speaker 1: up your frequency and up your vibration.

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Speaker 4: Yes, you are. I feel like you're probably like me

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Speaker 4: in a sense that you believe in energy and frequency.

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Speaker 4: You've used that word a couple times now, and you know,

387
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Speaker 4: and I've done so much research in this space, as

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Speaker 4: I know you probably have too, to know that it's

389
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Speaker 4: not even woo woo. It's just pure science. It's quantum

390
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Speaker 4: physics that you will only attract that which you are

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Speaker 4: in the vibrational state of When you're doing things that

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Speaker 4: make you happy, you will continue to attract things that

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Speaker 4: make you happy. When you are doing things that you

394
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Speaker 4: know make you feel sort of less than or not

395
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Speaker 4: so great, You're just going to keep attracting things like that.

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Speaker 4: And I did. And you know, it's interesting because I'm

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Speaker 4: now in this I know, I've said it a couple

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Speaker 4: times now, like I'm single for the first time in

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Speaker 4: my life. And there was a period of time where

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Speaker 4: I was just like chasing, I was chasing Dick. I

401
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:27,560
Speaker 4: was just like, somebody, tell me I'm hot, and tell

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Speaker 4: me I am worth.

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Speaker 2: I'll tell you your heart right now.

404
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:37,159
Speaker 4: The second and and and I was constant and nothing

405
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Speaker 4: was working out. And it was because I didn't have

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Speaker 4: the self worth. I was coming from a place of insecurity,

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Speaker 4: not wanting to sit with myself, and when I started.

408
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Speaker 4: This is another thing in the book I talk about,

409
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Speaker 4: which just follow your happy, Like, instead of putting attention

410
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Speaker 4: on the things that you don't have, start chasing the

411
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Speaker 4: things that make you happy. Follow your happy one by one,

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Speaker 4: step by step, even if it means hanging out with

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Speaker 4: your friends, even if it means canceling on your friends

414
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Speaker 4: in favor of like a night alone, having the extra cookie.

415
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Speaker 4: Little by little, the past starts to appear, and the

416
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,719
Speaker 4: things that you want to draw in, the things that

417
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Speaker 4: are aligned with you. It's just science. You'll just start

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Speaker 4: attracting all of that stuff in. So that's something that

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Speaker 4: I still have to remind myself of to this day.

420
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Speaker 4: It's gotten easier. But yeah, follow your happy when in doubt,

421
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Speaker 4: when you don't know what to do, stop focusing on

422
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Speaker 4: the things you don't know because you're not meant to

423
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Speaker 4: know it right now. That's why you don't know the answers,

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Speaker 4: and instead focus on the things that bring you joy,

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Speaker 4: no matter how small they are.

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Speaker 1: And let's talk about the transitional period, like when once

427
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Speaker 1: you admit to your partner that you want out of

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Speaker 1: the relationship. And I think a lot of people, women

429
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Speaker 1: especially are get very consumed with that piece, like what's

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Speaker 1: it going to feel like we're not going to have

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Speaker 1: a partner, And it's like it's kind of like a

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Speaker 1: scarcity issue more than an actual Like you're not looking

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Speaker 1: at the big picture.

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Speaker 2: You're not looking at six months down the road.

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Speaker 1: You're going to be so grateful you made this decision

436
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Speaker 1: and that you were strong enough to make that decision.

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Speaker 1: So I think that transitional period is a real kind

438
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,960
Speaker 1: of hiccup for a lot of people that they can't

439
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:09,520
Speaker 1: get past.

440
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,760
Speaker 2: So can you speak a little bit about.

441
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:15,200
Speaker 1: Your experience and when things started to feel aligned again

442
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:18,720
Speaker 1: and when when you started to really feel grateful and

443
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:20,840
Speaker 1: happy about that decision that you made.

444
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,679
Speaker 4: You know, I feel like the reason, you know, people

445
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:26,879
Speaker 4: don't speak up, or women don't speak up, is because

446
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:29,840
Speaker 4: we've been conditioned from the time that we're very young

447
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,720
Speaker 4: to not experience pain or that pain is bad. You know.

448
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:35,600
Speaker 4: I talk about this in the book. It's like when

449
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:37,840
Speaker 4: you scrape your knee as a child, your mom gives

450
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:39,720
Speaker 4: you a double scooped ice cream clone you put a

451
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:42,399
Speaker 4: band aid on it, kiss it, make it better, don't

452
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:46,280
Speaker 4: cry anymore. And so we have this you know, story

453
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:48,800
Speaker 4: running in our minds that we are not supposed to

454
00:21:49,119 --> 00:21:51,600
Speaker 4: experience pain. So that keeps us from doing the hard

455
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:55,359
Speaker 4: stuff sometimes. But as I learned, you know, especially when

456
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:57,960
Speaker 4: the most painful thing that I did was get a divorce,

457
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:03,480
Speaker 4: was pain is just an emotion like joy. It's just

458
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:07,159
Speaker 4: an emotion like happiness or sadness or grief, and we

459
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:11,400
Speaker 4: don't normalize it enough and we try to escape it

460
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:14,879
Speaker 4: when really the only way out of that is in

461
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:18,560
Speaker 4: So each day for me look different. One day I

462
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:21,520
Speaker 4: couldn't stop crying, and I would be playing a game

463
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:23,399
Speaker 4: with my children, and all of a sudden, my cheeks

464
00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:26,800
Speaker 4: would flush and I would get really really hot, and

465
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,480
Speaker 4: tears would start like prickling in my eyes, and like

466
00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:31,960
Speaker 4: what is happening? What is happening? And I would sit

467
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:33,639
Speaker 4: with it and I'm like, Okay, what is this? What

468
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,920
Speaker 4: is this? And it was me mourning And I had

469
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,480
Speaker 4: this healer tell me one time, and I thought this

470
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:41,800
Speaker 4: was so good. Yes, you're mourning. You are mourning the

471
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:44,639
Speaker 4: death of a relationship, right. It is a pure death.

472
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:46,720
Speaker 4: It is a loss of dreams. You have to bury,

473
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:49,040
Speaker 4: you have to bury all that stuff, but you're also

474
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:52,840
Speaker 4: mourning the old version of you that was with that person.

475
00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:55,600
Speaker 4: And I thought that was so telling, because I was

476
00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:58,040
Speaker 4: a certain person when I was married, and I did

477
00:22:58,080 --> 00:22:59,879
Speaker 4: have a whole bunch of dreams and I thought my

478
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:01,879
Speaker 4: life was going to turn out differently than what it

479
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:04,000
Speaker 4: had And so a lot of times when I was crying,

480
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:07,119
Speaker 4: it wasn't necessarily because I missed the relationship. I know

481
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:11,000
Speaker 4: I didn't miss the relationship, right, And we do this thing,

482
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:14,520
Speaker 4: I think we romanticize the person when we break up

483
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:16,560
Speaker 4: with them. I know I certainly have with all of

484
00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:18,440
Speaker 4: my exes, where all of a sudden they've got a

485
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:21,040
Speaker 4: damn halo on their head and you start to forget

486
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:24,159
Speaker 4: all the things that got you to that place. You

487
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:27,760
Speaker 4: forget all the things that they did, all the fights, everything,

488
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,040
Speaker 4: and you start missing them as if they were this

489
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:33,560
Speaker 4: like most angelic presence. And it's like, no, go back,

490
00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:36,280
Speaker 4: read your journal, talk to your friends. You know, for me,

491
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:39,359
Speaker 4: my mom she remembers every single person whoever did anything

492
00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:41,240
Speaker 4: wrong to me, back to the time that I was

493
00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:43,920
Speaker 4: in kindergarten. So going back and talking to my mom

494
00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,800
Speaker 4: was like, really really helpful, and it's like, yeah, you know,

495
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:48,679
Speaker 4: you don't want them to get hate fucked by a shark.

496
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:52,280
Speaker 4: But at the same time, it's like you need to

497
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:55,960
Speaker 4: remember how you got there and not just put that

498
00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:59,800
Speaker 4: aside for romantic amnesia and just allowing each day to

499
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:02,479
Speaker 4: be one day I was feeling frisky, one day, I

500
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:04,560
Speaker 4: was like, ooh, maybe I can masturbate, and then I

501
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:06,439
Speaker 4: would start crying in the middle of it instead and

502
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:08,280
Speaker 4: just have a sore hand to boot, you know. So

503
00:24:08,359 --> 00:24:11,520
Speaker 4: it was just like each day looked different, and I

504
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,720
Speaker 4: had to allow myself that roller coaster. I had to

505
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:18,560
Speaker 4: allow the pain to come in whenever it wanted, because

506
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,440
Speaker 4: there were times where I thought I was totally fine

507
00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:22,960
Speaker 4: and I would be at Gelson's and all of a

508
00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:25,280
Speaker 4: sudden start crying over the avocados, you know. So it

509
00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:28,080
Speaker 4: was just like I had to allow the roller coaster

510
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:31,320
Speaker 4: of emotions. I had to allow for every thought to

511
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:34,280
Speaker 4: pass through. I had to allow for it to be hard.

512
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,280
Speaker 4: I had to allow to miss him. I had to

513
00:24:37,359 --> 00:24:41,280
Speaker 4: allow these things, and then little by little it did

514
00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:43,399
Speaker 4: get better. You know. One of my favorite quotes is

515
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:48,400
Speaker 4: give time time and just trust that you know your

516
00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:51,960
Speaker 4: heart has been broken. I'm speaking for myself. My heart

517
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,480
Speaker 4: has been broken so many times in the past, only

518
00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:57,240
Speaker 4: to put itself back together stronger than how it was before.

519
00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:00,800
Speaker 4: And I just trusted, trusted that it was going to

520
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:01,760
Speaker 4: get better and it did.

521
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:02,560
Speaker 2: Yeah.

522
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:05,040
Speaker 1: I think a lot of times when we're breaking up

523
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:08,359
Speaker 1: or we're ending relationships and we're going through that breakup phase,

524
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:12,280
Speaker 1: we are we are surprised that it keeps coming up,

525
00:25:12,359 --> 00:25:14,760
Speaker 1: like we think we've gotten through the worst of it,

526
00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:17,160
Speaker 1: and then it he'll hit you and you're like, god,

527
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:19,919
Speaker 1: I thought I was over this, and it's like, don't

528
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:21,160
Speaker 1: that is good.

529
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:22,880
Speaker 2: Every time that comes up, you.

530
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:26,480
Speaker 1: Are extinguishing your grief, like you are getting closer to

531
00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:29,159
Speaker 1: the end of your grief. Don't fight the grief, like

532
00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:32,760
Speaker 1: bring it on, go through it. Allow those emotions to happen.

533
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:34,679
Speaker 1: Even if a month goes by and you're happy and

534
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:36,520
Speaker 1: you've met someone else and all of a sudden it

535
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:39,439
Speaker 1: hits you, that's another step in your healing. That's not

536
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:41,720
Speaker 1: something to ischew and go, oh God, I don't want

537
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:42,520
Speaker 1: to feel any grief.

538
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:44,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, you do, you do, you do.

539
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:47,280
Speaker 4: It's a release. And the other thing, too, is it's like,

540
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:49,600
Speaker 4: you know two things I thought of when you said that.

541
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:53,879
Speaker 4: One was things are only as important as the weight

542
00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:55,879
Speaker 4: in which we assign to it. I don't know if

543
00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:58,000
Speaker 4: I if I said that right. So it's like, if

544
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:01,159
Speaker 4: you're experiencing grief, grief can be as big or small

545
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:04,280
Speaker 4: as you allow for it to be. Like it's it.

546
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:07,800
Speaker 4: So the importance of a feeling like you can be like, yeah,

547
00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:11,040
Speaker 4: I'm just really sad today, I'm really really sad, or

548
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:13,280
Speaker 4: you can make that the largest thing in the world.

549
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:15,639
Speaker 4: So that's the other thing too, I think for people

550
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:18,200
Speaker 4: to keep in mind is no emotion nothing is as

551
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:21,160
Speaker 4: important as the label that we give it. And that's

552
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:23,480
Speaker 4: really helped me at times be able to take sort

553
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:25,800
Speaker 4: of just like a for me to step outside of

554
00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:27,639
Speaker 4: my emotions, for me to zoom out and look at

555
00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:30,000
Speaker 4: it from a bird's eye perspective and be like okay.

556
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:34,240
Speaker 4: And the other thing is anytime I would have those

557
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:38,320
Speaker 4: very overwhelming feelings, and I experienced this just last year

558
00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:42,400
Speaker 4: with my split, instead of making it about the other

559
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:44,560
Speaker 4: person and how much we miss the other person and

560
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:46,760
Speaker 4: how we wish it could have worked out, instead of

561
00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:49,560
Speaker 4: playing the story that makes it about them, I was

562
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:51,640
Speaker 4: trying to look at it from a different perspective where

563
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,280
Speaker 4: I would make it about me. So instead I would say,

564
00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:56,400
Speaker 4: instead of being like, oh my god, I miss them

565
00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:58,679
Speaker 4: so much, I'd be like, oh my god, look at

566
00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:01,880
Speaker 4: the depths of my heart. Oh my god, look how

567
00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:05,199
Speaker 4: deeply I can love, And how my love makes me

568
00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:07,440
Speaker 4: feel like I have wings and I can grow, and

569
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:10,119
Speaker 4: my love is wild and free, makes me feel like

570
00:27:10,119 --> 00:27:12,760
Speaker 4: I can do anything, like wow. So I would start

571
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,560
Speaker 4: changing the story instead of it being about them and

572
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:19,280
Speaker 4: how much I miss them, about how impressed I was

573
00:27:19,359 --> 00:27:22,520
Speaker 4: with the depths of my own heart. And that actually

574
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:24,840
Speaker 4: helped me a lot, just to change the story that

575
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:25,840
Speaker 4: was happening in my head.

576
00:27:26,359 --> 00:27:28,040
Speaker 2: You said this a few minutes ago.

577
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,919
Speaker 1: You said, you're kind of mourning the person that you

578
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:34,120
Speaker 1: were in that relationship, and I and I think that

579
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:36,520
Speaker 1: there's a lot of that, but there's also a lot

580
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:38,840
Speaker 1: to look forward to the person that you become after

581
00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:42,000
Speaker 1: the relationship. Yeah, and that woman is like, is a

582
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:43,040
Speaker 1: cause for celebration?

583
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:46,840
Speaker 4: Yes, absolutely. You start to experience yourself in a whole

584
00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:49,119
Speaker 4: new way. All the things in which you put on

585
00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:52,720
Speaker 4: hold because you were putting the other person's needs first,

586
00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:55,240
Speaker 4: or you know, like, for example, me I'm somebody who

587
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:57,880
Speaker 4: I'm very flirty with life, you know what I mean.

588
00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:00,919
Speaker 4: It's like I like to carry myself areas rising, So

589
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:03,360
Speaker 4: it's like I like to carry myself with a little

590
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:06,399
Speaker 4: wink everywhere I go. Doesn't necessarily mean I'm hitting on

591
00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:08,760
Speaker 4: the person, doesn't mean I want to sleep with the person.

592
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:12,199
Speaker 4: But I will flirt with a woman barista just as

593
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:14,560
Speaker 4: much as I will flirt with the hot janitor, you

594
00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:16,040
Speaker 4: know what I mean. So it's like it doesn't matter

595
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:19,000
Speaker 4: to me, right, And I had put that part of

596
00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:23,520
Speaker 4: my personality aside because it was triggering to people in

597
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:25,760
Speaker 4: the past, and I didn't want to do something that

598
00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:29,120
Speaker 4: felt disrespectful to somebody, So I just kind of buried

599
00:28:29,119 --> 00:28:32,680
Speaker 4: that part. But now being able to experience my femininity

600
00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:37,480
Speaker 4: and my sensuality in a way that like isn't shameful.

601
00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:40,440
Speaker 4: It's just who I am. Like life just feels so

602
00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:43,400
Speaker 4: much richer to take a luxurious bath and to put on,

603
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:46,080
Speaker 4: you know, a silk robe and give yourself a wink

604
00:28:46,120 --> 00:28:48,200
Speaker 4: in the mirror because you think you're hot, you know

605
00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:48,640
Speaker 4: what I mean.

606
00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:51,360
Speaker 5: Like, it's just like life just feels so much better

607
00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:55,320
Speaker 5: to laugh, to just feel that lightness to explore the

608
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:58,880
Speaker 5: things that I want to explore. And I've never had

609
00:28:58,920 --> 00:29:00,000
Speaker 5: the opportunity to really do.

610
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:03,479
Speaker 4: This before, so you know, it really does feel like

611
00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:07,800
Speaker 4: I'm coming into myself. I'm owning the fullness of myself

612
00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:11,360
Speaker 4: in a way that I never had the opportunity to so.

613
00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:13,600
Speaker 4: And that, you know, and that's on me. That's on

614
00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:16,400
Speaker 4: me for allowing that to happen. That's not the other

615
00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:20,640
Speaker 4: person's fault. But again, every every relationship, every situation comes

616
00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:24,040
Speaker 4: to teach us something, and I've learned some remarkable things

617
00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:26,320
Speaker 4: from the men I've been in contact and communication with,

618
00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:28,960
Speaker 4: and I'm just so very grateful. And how's your love

619
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:32,400
Speaker 4: life going these days? Non existent? Sister? Do you know

620
00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:35,360
Speaker 4: anybody I'm on Riah for you?

621
00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:35,720
Speaker 2: Yeah?

622
00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:39,720
Speaker 4: I do? She recommend someone I'm on Riah, and you know,

623
00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:42,920
Speaker 4: it's like the amount of founders. I'm like, really, what

624
00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:43,640
Speaker 4: did you find?

625
00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:46,960
Speaker 6: I know, you know, and people who are just good

626
00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:49,600
Speaker 6: vibes only, or like if I if I do match

627
00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:52,760
Speaker 6: with somebody, all of a sudden, they text something really weird,

628
00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:55,720
Speaker 6: like I see you like me with my clothes off.

629
00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:58,560
Speaker 4: Too, And I'm like, what the fuck? What is that line?

630
00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,720
Speaker 4: And then they'll be like, what's your I'm like, buddy, no,

631
00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:06,160
Speaker 4: too fast, too fast, So anyway, I yeah, I don't know,

632
00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:08,880
Speaker 4: but I'm just I'm also in a space where I like, again,

633
00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:12,240
Speaker 4: like I am not chasing. I chased last year when

634
00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:15,760
Speaker 4: I was very single and same, being single was very new,

635
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:19,160
Speaker 4: and now I'm just like my life is really good.

636
00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:21,880
Speaker 4: Like I'm really happy. I'm really happy with my work,

637
00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:25,040
Speaker 4: I'm really full with my children, Like I'm traveling a lot,

638
00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:29,040
Speaker 4: I'm meeting people, and if a relationship comes in, and like,

639
00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:31,560
Speaker 4: you can make my life better than what it is,

640
00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:35,920
Speaker 4: like awesome, Like I am ready, you know, but yeah,

641
00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:38,320
Speaker 4: otherwise I don't know. It just feels like a waste

642
00:30:38,320 --> 00:30:38,640
Speaker 4: of time.

643
00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:41,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, you have to be an addition, not a subtraction.

644
00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:45,840
Speaker 4: That's exactly Exploring myself as a single person has made

645
00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:48,760
Speaker 4: me more excited about love than ever. And like, and

646
00:30:48,840 --> 00:30:50,600
Speaker 4: I didn't think I would feel that way, Like I

647
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:53,440
Speaker 4: was very jaded after my divorce, and then when I

648
00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:57,760
Speaker 4: got with my ex, I was like, I love you

649
00:30:57,800 --> 00:30:59,960
Speaker 4: so much, Like this is exactly what I've been waiting for.

650
00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:03,440
Speaker 4: I want to be buried on top of you when

651
00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:05,800
Speaker 4: we die and we can come back as ghosts and

652
00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:09,520
Speaker 4: haunt people like my love felt gothic and like, you know,

653
00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:13,280
Speaker 4: like deep, and I thought I would be jaded, but

654
00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:16,120
Speaker 4: I'm just more excited than ever to show because now

655
00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:19,280
Speaker 4: that I understand the fullness, the wholeness of myself, I'm like, Wow,

656
00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:22,720
Speaker 4: how amazing to be in a partnership where I can

657
00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:26,760
Speaker 4: show someone my like soft and my fire, like the

658
00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:30,360
Speaker 4: full extent of my growth and to grow with somebody.

659
00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:33,240
Speaker 4: So yeah, like I'm just I'm so excited for whenever

660
00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:33,880
Speaker 4: that happens.

661
00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:37,120
Speaker 1: It's also just so empowering as becoming a woman and

662
00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:40,440
Speaker 1: like you know, getting older and realizing, like you know,

663
00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:44,360
Speaker 1: your messiness or the things that you aren't so proud

664
00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:46,760
Speaker 1: of or hadn't been so proud of, are okay to

665
00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:49,720
Speaker 1: be on display. Like you don't have to cover up

666
00:31:49,760 --> 00:31:52,000
Speaker 1: parts of you. You can actually be one hundred percent

667
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:54,600
Speaker 1: who you are. And there is going to be men,

668
00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:57,240
Speaker 1: not just one man. There are going to be many

669
00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:00,200
Speaker 1: men who are attrusted to that and like your yes,

670
00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:03,400
Speaker 1: you know, yes, yeah, And like we've spent so many

671
00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:08,719
Speaker 1: years perfecting our image to the man or men that

672
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:11,320
Speaker 1: we want to think of us in a certain way,

673
00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:15,720
Speaker 1: and it's all just completely convoluted and upside down. What

674
00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:18,800
Speaker 1: we come to understand about ourselves is like the more

675
00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:22,320
Speaker 1: you you are, the more attractive you become.

676
00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:25,640
Speaker 4: Yes, and the more life just becomes fun. And you know,

677
00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:27,320
Speaker 4: and that's the other thing too. It's like I think

678
00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:29,719
Speaker 4: about I think about death a lot, but not in

679
00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:32,880
Speaker 4: like a morbid way. In a way that's like if

680
00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:35,720
Speaker 4: I were to look back on my life, like am

681
00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:38,320
Speaker 4: I happy with the chances that I took? Or am

682
00:32:38,320 --> 00:32:40,280
Speaker 4: I going to have any regrets? And that's my thing

683
00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:42,400
Speaker 4: is I'm not sure where I got this, but from

684
00:32:42,400 --> 00:32:43,880
Speaker 4: a very young age, I was like, I don't want

685
00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:46,600
Speaker 4: to have any regrets in my life. So you know,

686
00:32:46,640 --> 00:32:49,760
Speaker 4: it's like I will absolutely jump now and ask for

687
00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:52,880
Speaker 4: forgiveness later or think later about my choices. But it's like,

688
00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:55,960
Speaker 4: we're here to have fun. We're here for such a

689
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:59,680
Speaker 4: short period of time. It's like, why not just squeeze

690
00:32:59,720 --> 00:33:02,040
Speaker 4: the you said of every moment as much as we

691
00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:06,800
Speaker 4: can and those that don't align great, those that do great. Like,

692
00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:09,520
Speaker 4: in the end, none of it matters, you know, it's

693
00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:12,080
Speaker 4: just just have fun, live your fucking life.

694
00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:14,400
Speaker 1: I'd like to also say that the section where you

695
00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:17,120
Speaker 1: quote my where you use my quote. I had a

696
00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:18,960
Speaker 1: guy ask me once are you drinking? You don't have

697
00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:20,680
Speaker 1: to drink to make yourself more fun to be around,

698
00:33:20,720 --> 00:33:22,240
Speaker 1: and I told him, no, I'm drinking so that you

699
00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:24,600
Speaker 1: are more fun to be around. That section is right

700
00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:29,200
Speaker 1: above sloppy blowjobs. So let's talk about sloppy bow jobs,

701
00:33:29,240 --> 00:33:31,160
Speaker 1: because you talk about the importance of blowjobs.

702
00:33:31,200 --> 00:33:33,080
Speaker 2: And I have to tell you, for many years in.

703
00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:35,280
Speaker 1: My twenties and thirties, I was so fucking scared to

704
00:33:35,320 --> 00:33:37,600
Speaker 1: give a blowjob because I did not know how to

705
00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:40,400
Speaker 1: give a blowjob and I never gave you once a completion,

706
00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:43,000
Speaker 1: so I was like, oh, I don't only know how

707
00:33:43,040 --> 00:33:45,760
Speaker 1: to start, I don't know how to finish. And then

708
00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:49,080
Speaker 1: my friend who you would never believe who this woman is,

709
00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:50,320
Speaker 1: and she's famous.

710
00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:53,400
Speaker 2: I won't say her name, but she taught me.

711
00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:55,240
Speaker 1: She sat me down to dinner and we were in London,

712
00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:57,080
Speaker 1: and she's like, Chelsea, let me explain to you how

713
00:33:57,080 --> 00:33:57,880
Speaker 1: to give a blowjob.

714
00:33:58,080 --> 00:34:00,440
Speaker 4: And she had did she have like a like did

715
00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:01,280
Speaker 4: you have a device?

716
00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:03,840
Speaker 1: No, she didn't have a device, but she described it

717
00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:06,240
Speaker 1: and it's very analogous to the way you describe it

718
00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:06,720
Speaker 1: in your book.

719
00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:07,320
Speaker 2: It's just like.

720
00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:11,040
Speaker 1: Lots of slobber, lots of spent, lots of tips action,

721
00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:13,759
Speaker 1: acting like you're you know, just stroking, rubbing, make it

722
00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:16,640
Speaker 1: as wet as possible, and guys are just like it's

723
00:34:16,719 --> 00:34:17,479
Speaker 1: it's And.

724
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:19,160
Speaker 2: Once I learned how to do it, I was like

725
00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:23,040
Speaker 2: I was so empowered. Not that yeah, because.

726
00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:25,239
Speaker 1: I always had this thing, like I had this thing

727
00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:28,520
Speaker 1: like blowjobs are like that's you don't get a blowjob

728
00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:31,040
Speaker 1: from me, you know, Like I had this attitude and

729
00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:33,640
Speaker 1: it's like, wait a second, I don't care if you, like,

730
00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:35,719
Speaker 1: I want to give a great blowjob.

731
00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:38,080
Speaker 4: Exactly, Like I actually think the blowjob is more for

732
00:34:38,200 --> 00:34:40,400
Speaker 4: me than it is for them, because I've reached a

733
00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:43,120
Speaker 4: point where I enjoy the person that I'm attracted to.

734
00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:48,680
Speaker 4: I enjoy their pleasure so much and I'm very confident

735
00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:51,279
Speaker 4: at it that I'm like watch this, you know what

736
00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:54,400
Speaker 4: I mean. So it's like yeah, I open up. Yeah,

737
00:34:54,440 --> 00:34:57,479
Speaker 4: like like many women, you know, it's like I had

738
00:34:57,719 --> 00:35:01,239
Speaker 4: zero context on what a penis even looked like growing up,

739
00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:04,400
Speaker 4: and I had and I was a big fan of

740
00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:07,760
Speaker 4: like dry humping, and so I had a boyfriend.

741
00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:10,160
Speaker 1: Let me ask you a quick questions, Sorry to interduct

742
00:35:10,760 --> 00:35:14,880
Speaker 1: when dry umping is someone climax during that in their pants?

743
00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:17,000
Speaker 2: Is that what happens with dry humping?

744
00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:17,719
Speaker 4: You know?

745
00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:21,200
Speaker 2: Have you not try hunt? I mean not in recent times.

746
00:35:21,239 --> 00:35:23,560
Speaker 4: I think I got off. Well I haven't been recent

747
00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:26,840
Speaker 4: times either, But like when I was a teenager, Oh

748
00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:29,439
Speaker 4: my god, my mom is going to kill me. When

749
00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:32,799
Speaker 4: I was a teenager, I was a big fan of

750
00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:37,440
Speaker 4: dry hunting because yeah, I would like get off like I.

751
00:35:36,920 --> 00:35:40,880
Speaker 2: Okay, So it's like masturbating over the past which teenager.

752
00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:44,800
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, like the jeans would rub it the bits

753
00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:46,879
Speaker 4: in the right place, you know what I mean.

754
00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:48,960
Speaker 1: I have a rudder, like a rudder when you have

755
00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:51,920
Speaker 1: jeans with a thick seam, that is a good jewel

756
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:53,080
Speaker 1: to use to masturbate.

757
00:35:53,520 --> 00:35:59,520
Speaker 4: I will, yeah, exactly. Corduroy is very effective. But yeah,

758
00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:02,400
Speaker 4: So I had a boyfriend who was older than me,

759
00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:05,040
Speaker 4: and I could tell he wanted more than dry humping,

760
00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:08,000
Speaker 4: and I was like, okay. And at the time, there

761
00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:10,000
Speaker 4: was this show on HBO. I don't know if you

762
00:36:10,200 --> 00:36:12,600
Speaker 4: had ever heard of it or watched it, called Real Sex,

763
00:36:13,239 --> 00:36:15,880
Speaker 4: And there was a woman named lou Paguett who was

764
00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:18,759
Speaker 4: like she wrote a book called The Big O and

765
00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:21,920
Speaker 4: she was older than dirt and she just was like

766
00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:25,400
Speaker 4: her very own porn star. And she had a class

767
00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:28,279
Speaker 4: that was in Beverly Hills, and I don't know how

768
00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:31,000
Speaker 4: I came upon it, but I was like, oh, I

769
00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:34,120
Speaker 4: need to take this class. So I took this class.

770
00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:37,160
Speaker 4: There were about eight of us there. We were each handed.

771
00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:39,600
Speaker 4: There was like a plate, like a fine china plate

772
00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:41,040
Speaker 4: was in front of us. And when she went around

773
00:36:41,040 --> 00:36:43,080
Speaker 4: the room and we each got to pick out our dildos.

774
00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:47,959
Speaker 4: So everyone got like a respectable six inch dildo full

775
00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:51,160
Speaker 4: of veins and everything. They were all circumcised and then

776
00:36:51,200 --> 00:36:53,880
Speaker 4: she was like, all right, ladies, like let's open up

777
00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:55,920
Speaker 4: the back of those throats. These dildos aren't going to

778
00:36:56,040 --> 00:36:59,360
Speaker 4: jack off by themselves. And she just taught us to

779
00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:02,640
Speaker 4: de sense ties like the gag reflex, taught us like

780
00:37:02,719 --> 00:37:06,520
Speaker 4: different like hand techniques really broke down the pan. And

781
00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:09,719
Speaker 4: I'm a very analytical person, so it's like for me,

782
00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:13,000
Speaker 4: it was hard to unleash that sexual side of me

783
00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:15,359
Speaker 4: if it was just like because again I didn't I

784
00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:17,839
Speaker 4: was a late bloomer, Like sex was not something that

785
00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:20,680
Speaker 4: we talked about in my household with my mom. So

786
00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:23,799
Speaker 4: I didn't understand, and so but when she broke it

787
00:37:23,880 --> 00:37:27,360
Speaker 4: down like anatomically and the veins and the nerve endings

788
00:37:27,360 --> 00:37:30,360
Speaker 4: and the whole thing, and I was like, oh, okay,

789
00:37:30,520 --> 00:37:35,200
Speaker 4: now I get it. And then I just love it.

790
00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:38,239
Speaker 4: I just love it. And and and the perspective of

791
00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:40,600
Speaker 4: the book like again, because the book is for women

792
00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:44,000
Speaker 4: written through a female lens. It's all about women empowerment.

793
00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:46,880
Speaker 4: You know, the the nights where it's like you could

794
00:37:46,920 --> 00:37:50,160
Speaker 4: not be bothered with sex, but you know, you know,

795
00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:52,640
Speaker 4: you know, you want to put something out there. It's

796
00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:54,960
Speaker 4: the nights where the hands of Tom Brady himself would

797
00:37:55,000 --> 00:37:57,480
Speaker 4: get slapped away. If you can learn to give a

798
00:37:57,480 --> 00:38:01,759
Speaker 4: good blowye, it's literally helping hand.

799
00:38:01,239 --> 00:38:01,480
Speaker 2: You know.

800
00:38:01,719 --> 00:38:03,520
Speaker 4: It's like the amount of times you can give a

801
00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:07,240
Speaker 4: good blow job and in like fucking three minutes flat,

802
00:38:07,800 --> 00:38:10,360
Speaker 4: your husband's asleep, your partner's asleep, and you're back to

803
00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:12,800
Speaker 4: reading your book, Like that's the only thing I care about.

804
00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:15,399
Speaker 4: How quickly can I get back to my book? So yeah,

805
00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:16,959
Speaker 4: it's just like the best thing ever.

806
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:19,960
Speaker 1: So I know you say you wanted to live your

807
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:22,960
Speaker 1: life without any regrets. When you think about your life

808
00:38:23,080 --> 00:38:27,080
Speaker 1: now and like present day, what is your biggest regret

809
00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:28,200
Speaker 1: or do you have.

810
00:38:28,080 --> 00:38:33,359
Speaker 4: One, Chelsea, I don't have one. Wow, I don't have one.

811
00:38:33,400 --> 00:38:35,640
Speaker 4: The amount of times I have, you know, And I

812
00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:37,560
Speaker 4: talk about this in the book the failure in fucking

813
00:38:37,640 --> 00:38:42,759
Speaker 4: up chapters, like the amount of times I, you know,

814
00:38:43,040 --> 00:38:47,840
Speaker 4: fucked up, overreached to a guy, got too drunk, cheated,

815
00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:51,759
Speaker 4: all of those things. I learned something so valuable from

816
00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:55,120
Speaker 4: those that I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything. You know.

817
00:38:55,200 --> 00:38:58,000
Speaker 4: It's like, I look back on my life so far,

818
00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:01,880
Speaker 4: and every miss step, I am so glad that I

819
00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:04,600
Speaker 4: took it because it allows me to be the person

820
00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:07,479
Speaker 4: that I am now. And I really like the person

821
00:39:07,520 --> 00:39:09,960
Speaker 4: who puts down her head at night. I really like

822
00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:13,000
Speaker 4: the person who was mothering her three children. I like

823
00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:15,640
Speaker 4: the example that I'm setting. I like that I'm able

824
00:39:15,680 --> 00:39:18,960
Speaker 4: to look at my crazy because I can be fucking

825
00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:22,600
Speaker 4: crazy and say I'm glad for every chance that I

826
00:39:22,680 --> 00:39:26,080
Speaker 4: took where I showed my crazy because the right people stayed.

827
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:29,320
Speaker 4: And yeah, I don't have any regrets.

828
00:39:29,760 --> 00:39:30,200
Speaker 2: I love that.

829
00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:32,840
Speaker 1: I love that answer. The book is called Life is lifey.

830
00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:37,040
Speaker 1: This is Sarah Shahe's new book that's out and we

831
00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:38,279
Speaker 1: are going to take a break and we're going to

832
00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:38,720
Speaker 1: be right.

833
00:39:38,600 --> 00:39:44,520
Speaker 2: Back, and we're back with Sarah Shahey.

834
00:39:44,760 --> 00:39:46,839
Speaker 1: So you know Sarah from Sex Life, you know her

835
00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:49,640
Speaker 1: from The L Word, you know her from Paradise person

836
00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:52,080
Speaker 1: of Interest, right, and now she has a new book

837
00:39:52,080 --> 00:39:55,320
Speaker 1: where she talks about getting divorced, growing into her best

838
00:39:55,440 --> 00:39:58,239
Speaker 1: version of her womanhood.

839
00:39:57,680 --> 00:39:58,640
Speaker 2: And living life.

840
00:39:58,760 --> 00:40:01,239
Speaker 1: I think at living life out, I like saying that

841
00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:03,680
Speaker 1: living life out, yeah, because you kind of have to.

842
00:40:04,239 --> 00:40:05,160
Speaker 2: You have to. I want to.

843
00:40:05,239 --> 00:40:07,160
Speaker 1: I always wanted to have a loud life when I

844
00:40:07,200 --> 00:40:09,560
Speaker 1: was little, and you know, I didn't know what that

845
00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:12,880
Speaker 1: meant other than big. I just wanted a big opportunity

846
00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:15,600
Speaker 1: and big adventure and to say yes to things that

847
00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:19,440
Speaker 1: really are scaring. You know that scared me so and

848
00:40:19,600 --> 00:40:21,319
Speaker 1: I think that's a lot of you know, that's a

849
00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:22,799
Speaker 1: big theme in your book as well.

850
00:40:23,360 --> 00:40:25,640
Speaker 4: I'm like you. I grew up in a small town

851
00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:29,240
Speaker 4: in Texas, where I from a young age, I knew

852
00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:33,319
Speaker 4: I wanted more than what my little town was providing me.

853
00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:35,319
Speaker 4: I knew there was more out there, even though I

854
00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:38,640
Speaker 4: wasn't exposed to it. So I also was attracted to

855
00:40:38,680 --> 00:40:42,839
Speaker 4: this idea of just living this larger than life lifestyle

856
00:40:43,160 --> 00:40:45,839
Speaker 4: and That's what I was meant to do, and you know,

857
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:48,560
Speaker 4: and it's really beautiful because I feel like now at

858
00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:53,560
Speaker 4: forty six, like I am living that version of my dreams.

859
00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:54,680
Speaker 4: I love it.

860
00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:56,759
Speaker 1: We're going to take some callers. Are you ready to

861
00:40:56,760 --> 00:40:59,600
Speaker 1: give some advice to women? I'm so Ready's or a

862
00:40:59,600 --> 00:40:59,920
Speaker 1: gay man?

863
00:41:00,320 --> 00:41:00,840
Speaker 2: We sometimes.

864
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:05,000
Speaker 4: I love this well.

865
00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:06,840
Speaker 2: Our first question comes from Kendra.

866
00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:09,239
Speaker 3: This one's just an email, but I felt like it

867
00:41:09,280 --> 00:41:13,640
Speaker 3: was very appropriate for you, Sarah. So Kendra says, Dear Chelsea,

868
00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:16,560
Speaker 3: I'm a forty two year old mother of two teenagers

869
00:41:16,600 --> 00:41:19,200
Speaker 3: who's divorced from their dad. We were in a fifteen year,

870
00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:22,319
Speaker 3: unhealthy and sexless marriage. I have a new partner of

871
00:41:22,360 --> 00:41:25,640
Speaker 3: five years who is so kind, fun, smart, thoughtful, and

872
00:41:25,680 --> 00:41:28,319
Speaker 3: great with my kids. We live together and are having

873
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:31,800
Speaker 3: a commitment ceremony this fall. The problem is our sex

874
00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:34,480
Speaker 3: life is lackluster at best. I've brought this up to

875
00:41:34,520 --> 00:41:36,920
Speaker 3: him many times, and it seems to fall on deaf ears.

876
00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:37,719
Speaker 2: At first.

877
00:41:37,760 --> 00:41:40,239
Speaker 3: He was very offended when I suggested we spice things

878
00:41:40,280 --> 00:41:42,360
Speaker 3: up and said he was happy with our sex life.

879
00:41:42,560 --> 00:41:44,920
Speaker 3: He claims I'm just more sexual than him. But I

880
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:47,640
Speaker 3: feel so confused. What man doesn't want to have a

881
00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:50,799
Speaker 3: threesome or do literally anything he wants to me. The

882
00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:54,200
Speaker 3: relationship itself doesn't feel very sexual. I feel like I'm

883
00:41:54,239 --> 00:41:55,759
Speaker 3: in my prime and I want to have fun in

884
00:41:55,800 --> 00:41:58,160
Speaker 3: the bedroom and explore. He's the only man I've been

885
00:41:58,160 --> 00:42:00,960
Speaker 3: with since my divorce, so two men twenty two years.

886
00:42:01,280 --> 00:42:03,359
Speaker 3: I'm starting to feel a bit ripped off, and I'm

887
00:42:03,400 --> 00:42:05,200
Speaker 3: wondering if I can live with this type of vanilla

888
00:42:05,239 --> 00:42:07,160
Speaker 3: sex for the rest of my life. I'm starting to

889
00:42:07,239 --> 00:42:09,920
Speaker 3: understand why some people have affairs, which is horrible to

890
00:42:09,960 --> 00:42:13,560
Speaker 3: say and I never would, but I get it. Help Kendra, Oh,

891
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:15,960
Speaker 3: Kendraw girl, I feel your pain.

892
00:42:16,280 --> 00:42:20,759
Speaker 4: Oh man, I understand there are a lot of good

893
00:42:20,800 --> 00:42:23,759
Speaker 4: things there, but then also you feel like you're not

894
00:42:24,120 --> 00:42:27,480
Speaker 4: getting your needs met in some way. I wonder in

895
00:42:27,560 --> 00:42:31,640
Speaker 4: those moments when you did bring it up to him,

896
00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:36,520
Speaker 4: I wonder if instead of making it a verbal communication,

897
00:42:36,800 --> 00:42:41,320
Speaker 4: can you just start doing it? Can you in the act,

898
00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:44,840
Speaker 4: can you just start directing the sex in the direction

899
00:42:45,320 --> 00:42:49,040
Speaker 4: that you want it to go when he is turned

900
00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:52,279
Speaker 4: on as well? Like, I wonder if that's a possibility,

901
00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:55,880
Speaker 4: if you've tried that or not. And I also feel

902
00:42:55,880 --> 00:42:58,520
Speaker 4: like at the end of the day, the good has

903
00:42:58,560 --> 00:43:01,680
Speaker 4: to outweigh the bad. And I don't know your relationship

904
00:43:01,680 --> 00:43:03,880
Speaker 4: other than the fact that he sounds like a very safe,

905
00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:09,919
Speaker 4: warm presence, which is beautiful. But I'm also somebody who

906
00:43:11,080 --> 00:43:15,040
Speaker 4: this is me personally speaking. I don't believe in lack

907
00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:18,319
Speaker 4: and I do believe that there is somebody out there

908
00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:21,880
Speaker 4: that can check all those boxes. I'm not telling you

909
00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:26,359
Speaker 4: not to have your commitment ceremony, but at the same time,

910
00:43:26,440 --> 00:43:29,680
Speaker 4: I do think you have to really get quiet with

911
00:43:29,800 --> 00:43:36,760
Speaker 4: yourself and ask yourself, is this about the lackluster sex

912
00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:42,799
Speaker 4: or could this lackluster energy also be translating into other areas,

913
00:43:43,120 --> 00:43:46,120
Speaker 4: Like is it just about the sex isn't fun? Or

914
00:43:46,200 --> 00:43:49,840
Speaker 4: is this a person who could be missing some kind

915
00:43:50,080 --> 00:43:54,000
Speaker 4: of that vitality in other areas as well. But maybe

916
00:43:54,040 --> 00:43:55,799
Speaker 4: you just notice it more in the sex, and is

917
00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:56,960
Speaker 4: that something you can live with.

918
00:43:57,280 --> 00:44:00,000
Speaker 1: I think when you have these kind of concerns before

919
00:44:00,200 --> 00:44:03,520
Speaker 1: or you're in a serious like you're about to make

920
00:44:03,560 --> 00:44:06,239
Speaker 1: a commit you know, have a commitment ceremony. I think

921
00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:08,800
Speaker 1: these kinds of concerns, like if you're a sexual being

922
00:44:08,920 --> 00:44:11,680
Speaker 1: and his reaction to that isn't oh my god, let's

923
00:44:11,719 --> 00:44:12,080
Speaker 1: fix this.

924
00:44:12,200 --> 00:44:13,480
Speaker 2: Let's get this figure it out.

925
00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:16,000
Speaker 1: Let's let's work together, let's get a sex therapist, or

926
00:44:16,080 --> 00:44:18,680
Speaker 1: let's figure it out together alone, Like, what can I

927
00:44:18,760 --> 00:44:21,040
Speaker 1: do to make you more give you more pleasure, or

928
00:44:21,080 --> 00:44:24,319
Speaker 1: be more sexually active, or initiate whatever your things are

929
00:44:24,360 --> 00:44:26,719
Speaker 1: like If someone isn't open to that, I don't think

930
00:44:26,760 --> 00:44:29,520
Speaker 1: those things get better as you stay together. I think

931
00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:33,279
Speaker 1: that y, you know, commitment leads to laziness a lot

932
00:44:33,360 --> 00:44:35,960
Speaker 1: in relationships. And I'm not saying this is applicable to

933
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:38,840
Speaker 1: every relationship. I just think things become easier and you

934
00:44:38,880 --> 00:44:41,839
Speaker 1: get used to someone and you try less and you

935
00:44:41,880 --> 00:44:44,480
Speaker 1: don't try as hard. So if that's an issue for

936
00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:46,680
Speaker 1: you now, and you are a sexual being and you're

937
00:44:46,719 --> 00:44:51,520
Speaker 1: talking about potentially thinking about an affair, like, then if

938
00:44:51,560 --> 00:44:53,480
Speaker 1: you're if you want to go and have an affair

939
00:44:53,560 --> 00:44:55,640
Speaker 1: and do that, and you're okay with that, then do that.

940
00:44:55,960 --> 00:44:57,799
Speaker 1: But if you're not, which it sounds like you're not,

941
00:44:58,600 --> 00:45:01,040
Speaker 1: then you should really think about making a commitment to

942
00:45:01,080 --> 00:45:04,359
Speaker 1: this person because that is a major Sex is a

943
00:45:04,440 --> 00:45:07,480
Speaker 1: major component of a relationship for so many people, not

944
00:45:07,600 --> 00:45:08,320
Speaker 1: for everybody.

945
00:45:08,800 --> 00:45:10,600
Speaker 2: It doesn't sound like it is for the guy that.

946
00:45:10,560 --> 00:45:13,920
Speaker 1: You're you know, committing to but exactly, But for a

947
00:45:13,960 --> 00:45:16,799
Speaker 1: lot of us it is important. For me, that is

948
00:45:16,840 --> 00:45:19,080
Speaker 1: the number one thing, Like I am there for sex.

949
00:45:19,120 --> 00:45:20,840
Speaker 1: It's not the number one thing, sorry, but it's up

950
00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:21,920
Speaker 1: there like the top.

951
00:45:22,160 --> 00:45:24,200
Speaker 4: Like when the sex is not good, It's like, when

952
00:45:24,239 --> 00:45:27,319
Speaker 4: the sex is not good, the other problems become so

953
00:45:27,480 --> 00:45:30,720
Speaker 4: much more heightened. Yeah, it is. It is an important

954
00:45:30,800 --> 00:45:33,960
Speaker 4: part of the dynamic. And Chelsea is right. It's like

955
00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:39,120
Speaker 4: if there are signs already, like those red flags only

956
00:45:39,160 --> 00:45:42,640
Speaker 4: get redder after marriage, you know, they don't, they don't

957
00:45:42,680 --> 00:45:46,120
Speaker 4: go away. And and you should be in a relationship

958
00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:48,959
Speaker 4: where you can talk about the hard things and it's

959
00:45:49,080 --> 00:45:53,560
Speaker 4: received with curiosity and interest and and you know, I

960
00:45:53,640 --> 00:45:58,680
Speaker 4: understand if you are criticizing a man's you know, sexual appetite,

961
00:45:58,680 --> 00:46:01,880
Speaker 4: how they might at first get a little flustered by it.

962
00:46:01,960 --> 00:46:03,600
Speaker 4: But at the end of the day, like if there

963
00:46:03,640 --> 00:46:07,200
Speaker 4: isn't that interest to get on the same page, maybe

964
00:46:07,200 --> 00:46:08,920
Speaker 4: he doesn't want to do a three way, maybe his

965
00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:12,400
Speaker 4: answer would be something else, you know, But you're right, Chelsea,

966
00:46:12,600 --> 00:46:16,680
Speaker 4: like the the interests to explore together should be there.

967
00:46:17,040 --> 00:46:18,560
Speaker 4: If this is a man that you're going to make

968
00:46:18,600 --> 00:46:19,400
Speaker 4: a commitment to.

969
00:46:20,320 --> 00:46:23,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, and I think take steps like do the

970
00:46:23,560 --> 00:46:26,760
Speaker 3: therapy Chelsea talked about, and also like get his levels

971
00:46:26,840 --> 00:46:28,920
Speaker 3: checked because this could be something as simple as like

972
00:46:28,960 --> 00:46:31,719
Speaker 3: he's got some low tigue going on or whatever and

973
00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:32,839
Speaker 3: his libido is low.

974
00:46:32,920 --> 00:46:34,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, So like, but I do like what you.

975
00:46:34,880 --> 00:46:37,640
Speaker 3: Say, Sarah, but like he should be responding with curiosity.

976
00:46:37,680 --> 00:46:40,239
Speaker 3: But like just take all the steps, like see what

977
00:46:40,280 --> 00:46:43,160
Speaker 3: you can see, see if it's fixable, and if it's not, then.

978
00:46:43,000 --> 00:46:45,200
Speaker 2: You've got, you know, some decisions to make potentially.

979
00:46:45,800 --> 00:46:49,200
Speaker 4: Yeah, and don't ignore the fact that you're second guessing

980
00:46:49,280 --> 00:46:52,319
Speaker 4: right now, Like that's that's that's that's a part of you,

981
00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:55,560
Speaker 4: that's your higher self, that's somehow that's communicating to you.

982
00:46:55,960 --> 00:46:58,520
Speaker 4: So don't brush it under the rug thinking it's going

983
00:46:58,600 --> 00:46:59,920
Speaker 4: to go away, because it won't go away.

984
00:47:00,239 --> 00:47:02,439
Speaker 1: Right as a fifty year old woman, Like your sex

985
00:47:02,520 --> 00:47:05,000
Speaker 1: drive only increases as you get older, So if you're

986
00:47:05,040 --> 00:47:08,239
Speaker 1: already somebody who is interested in sex, it's going to

987
00:47:08,280 --> 00:47:09,239
Speaker 1: get more and more.

988
00:47:09,400 --> 00:47:11,080
Speaker 2: You're going to be more and more interested.

989
00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:13,680
Speaker 4: So that's changed my underwear a couple of times a day.

990
00:47:14,200 --> 00:47:17,719
Speaker 4: And I'm not even with anybody.

991
00:47:18,120 --> 00:47:22,840
Speaker 1: So and I'm older than you, Kendra, Oh my God,

992
00:47:23,040 --> 00:47:25,560
Speaker 1: I gotta send that to my friend and she doesn't

993
00:47:25,560 --> 00:47:28,239
Speaker 1: wear underwear, and I was like, listen, that is So

994
00:47:28,560 --> 00:47:31,720
Speaker 1: she goes, why I need a net to catch whatever

995
00:47:31,840 --> 00:47:33,880
Speaker 1: is coming out? She goes, what's coming out? I'm like,

996
00:47:33,920 --> 00:47:37,200
Speaker 1: all sorts of stuff? What are you talking about? Nothing's

997
00:47:37,239 --> 00:47:39,360
Speaker 1: coming out of your vagina into your underwear. And I'm like,

998
00:47:39,400 --> 00:47:41,000
Speaker 1: she's like, I don't see anything. I'm like, that's because

999
00:47:41,040 --> 00:47:44,640
Speaker 1: it's on your jeans. You're so disgusting. God, But I mean, yeah,

1000
00:47:44,680 --> 00:47:47,160
Speaker 1: there's things, guys coming in and out of your vaginas,

1001
00:47:47,280 --> 00:47:48,560
Speaker 1: hopefully more in and out.

1002
00:47:48,560 --> 00:47:52,120
Speaker 2: But listen, that's what happens. It's natural, and it's nature.

1003
00:47:53,040 --> 00:47:54,800
Speaker 4: Yeah, and it's beautiful. I love it.

1004
00:47:54,800 --> 00:47:56,920
Speaker 2: It is beautiful. That's a great way to look at it.

1005
00:47:57,440 --> 00:47:58,240
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1006
00:47:58,360 --> 00:48:02,840
Speaker 3: Well, our color today is he's this, dear Chelsea. A

1007
00:48:02,840 --> 00:48:06,239
Speaker 3: month ago, my relationship of nearly three years ended. I

1008
00:48:06,280 --> 00:48:09,080
Speaker 3: pride myself on my intuition, but what often gets in

1009
00:48:09,120 --> 00:48:11,880
Speaker 3: my way is empathy, giving people the benefit of the doubt,

1010
00:48:11,960 --> 00:48:15,440
Speaker 3: especially those I invest deeply in My ex and I

1011
00:48:15,480 --> 00:48:17,960
Speaker 3: had a nineteen year age gap. I'm twenty nine, he's

1012
00:48:18,000 --> 00:48:21,239
Speaker 3: forty eight. Unconventional, but it worked in many ways. As

1013
00:48:21,239 --> 00:48:23,560
Speaker 3: the child of a therapist. I'm emotionally self aware and

1014
00:48:23,640 --> 00:48:26,799
Speaker 3: have spent years working on myself. Over time, it became

1015
00:48:26,880 --> 00:48:29,040
Speaker 3: clear that my partner wasn't at the same level of

1016
00:48:29,080 --> 00:48:31,879
Speaker 3: emotional development. I've learned to meet people where they are

1017
00:48:31,920 --> 00:48:34,680
Speaker 3: without judgment and show up fully. He came out at

1018
00:48:34,760 --> 00:48:37,640
Speaker 3: twenty six, after growing up Catholic and nearly becoming a

1019
00:48:37,680 --> 00:48:40,719
Speaker 3: priest to avoid being openly gay. Knowing this made me

1020
00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:45,080
Speaker 3: patient with his struggles around communication, commitment, and unhealthy patterns

1021
00:48:45,080 --> 00:48:48,399
Speaker 3: like alcoholism. I saw him fully and still chose him,

1022
00:48:48,480 --> 00:48:50,799
Speaker 3: even knowing I might deserve someone who had already worked

1023
00:48:50,800 --> 00:48:54,719
Speaker 3: through those issues. Throughout the relationship, there were repeated instances

1024
00:48:54,719 --> 00:48:58,799
Speaker 3: of him flirting with other men online emoji reactions, compliments messages.

1025
00:48:59,080 --> 00:49:02,520
Speaker 3: I raised this many times. He insisted it wasn't cheating,

1026
00:49:02,640 --> 00:49:05,120
Speaker 3: framing it as a self esteem issue and a need

1027
00:49:05,120 --> 00:49:08,160
Speaker 3: for validation. Despite my gut telling me it wouldn't stop,

1028
00:49:08,200 --> 00:49:11,239
Speaker 3: I stayed. Then I went against my own rule and

1029
00:49:11,280 --> 00:49:13,799
Speaker 3: looked at his phone and saw nude photos from someone

1030
00:49:13,840 --> 00:49:16,760
Speaker 3: who was quote just a friend, with my partner actively

1031
00:49:16,840 --> 00:49:19,960
Speaker 3: flirting back now here. I am heartbroken, but clear that

1032
00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:22,560
Speaker 3: something wasn't right. I'm grateful for any advice you can

1033
00:49:22,640 --> 00:49:25,440
Speaker 3: offer on how to get past the cheating, and more importantly,

1034
00:49:25,600 --> 00:49:28,080
Speaker 3: how I can stop my sense of empathy from allowing

1035
00:49:28,120 --> 00:49:30,719
Speaker 3: other people to mistreat me in the future. Thanks for

1036
00:49:30,760 --> 00:49:34,600
Speaker 3: the clarity, humor, and guidance you provide to people navigating uncertainty.

1037
00:49:34,800 --> 00:49:35,760
Speaker 3: It truly matters.

1038
00:49:35,880 --> 00:49:39,400
Speaker 4: Wyat, Hi Wyatt, Hi Hi Wyat.

1039
00:49:39,840 --> 00:49:40,200
Speaker 1: Hello.

1040
00:49:40,760 --> 00:49:42,000
Speaker 7: So let's leat both of you.

1041
00:49:42,480 --> 00:49:45,000
Speaker 1: I like that you're standing up like an audition, like,

1042
00:49:45,080 --> 00:49:47,240
Speaker 1: oh you are okay.

1043
00:49:47,360 --> 00:49:48,640
Speaker 2: I was like, is this a mugshot?

1044
00:49:48,680 --> 00:49:50,480
Speaker 4: I didn't know what was a very long tour, so.

1045
00:49:50,640 --> 00:49:53,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, you must be very long waist short tour.

1046
00:49:53,680 --> 00:49:55,760
Speaker 4: So so I'm glad it's all frame perfect.

1047
00:49:55,840 --> 00:49:58,160
Speaker 2: It's the framing. The framing is giant.

1048
00:49:58,360 --> 00:50:00,400
Speaker 4: You are giant. Love it.

1049
00:50:01,760 --> 00:50:05,040
Speaker 1: This is our special guest, Sarah Shahe obviously, So I'm

1050
00:50:05,320 --> 00:50:08,160
Speaker 1: first of all, did you you ended the relationship when

1051
00:50:08,160 --> 00:50:10,160
Speaker 1: you found when you found those photos on his phone?

1052
00:50:10,640 --> 00:50:14,880
Speaker 7: It was an ending out of anger, and in the

1053
00:50:14,920 --> 00:50:18,600
Speaker 7: moment of ending it, we had met about ten days

1054
00:50:18,640 --> 00:50:22,560
Speaker 7: later to actually like discuss in a healthy manner of conversation,

1055
00:50:23,200 --> 00:50:25,760
Speaker 7: which really wasn't a conversation. It was just him deciding

1056
00:50:25,960 --> 00:50:29,279
Speaker 7: he didn't want to be in a relationship. So that's

1057
00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:31,160
Speaker 7: kind of how it ended to me. It was more

1058
00:50:31,160 --> 00:50:34,080
Speaker 7: of a discard rather than a let's figure this out

1059
00:50:34,160 --> 00:50:35,680
Speaker 7: or what the next step forward is.

1060
00:50:36,160 --> 00:50:39,560
Speaker 1: Right right, Well, first of all, it's great news that

1061
00:50:39,560 --> 00:50:42,080
Speaker 1: that relationship has ended. It may not feel great in

1062
00:50:42,160 --> 00:50:44,360
Speaker 1: this moment, but you're going to be grateful as you move.

1063
00:50:44,239 --> 00:50:47,320
Speaker 2: Through your life and heal from this that that person

1064
00:50:47,880 --> 00:50:48,680
Speaker 2: it's not a match.

1065
00:50:48,719 --> 00:50:51,880
Speaker 1: You don't want anyone that's being deceitful or that's looking

1066
00:50:51,880 --> 00:50:55,120
Speaker 1: at nude pictures online, Like that's not what you're looking for.

1067
00:50:55,160 --> 00:51:01,680
Speaker 1: You're looking for honesty, openness, transparency, right exactly. So I

1068
00:51:01,719 --> 00:51:03,400
Speaker 1: think I mean we're just talking about this.

1069
00:51:03,480 --> 00:51:04,720
Speaker 2: Sarah just wrote a new book.

1070
00:51:04,800 --> 00:51:08,600
Speaker 1: It's called Life Is Lifey The a disease Navigating Life's

1071
00:51:08,640 --> 00:51:11,680
Speaker 1: messy middle, which is on the subject matter of breaking

1072
00:51:11,760 --> 00:51:11,960
Speaker 1: up in.

1073
00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:14,160
Speaker 2: New beginnings, kind of owning your own power.

1074
00:51:14,400 --> 00:51:18,239
Speaker 1: And so while I understand you're hurt and you're disappointed

1075
00:51:18,320 --> 00:51:21,680
Speaker 1: and you're heartbroken, like, these are all tools that are

1076
00:51:21,719 --> 00:51:24,239
Speaker 1: going to bring you closer to a person who is

1077
00:51:24,320 --> 00:51:27,680
Speaker 1: going to appreciate you and is going to understand you.

1078
00:51:27,800 --> 00:51:31,520
Speaker 1: And by moving on through this relationship, and out of

1079
00:51:31,560 --> 00:51:33,120
Speaker 1: this relationship.

1080
00:51:32,600 --> 00:51:34,839
Speaker 2: There is going to be a rebirth. There's going to be.

1081
00:51:34,800 --> 00:51:36,840
Speaker 1: A new version of you that you can look forward

1082
00:51:36,920 --> 00:51:39,520
Speaker 1: to getting to know. And that's the most exciting thing

1083
00:51:39,640 --> 00:51:42,080
Speaker 1: about breaking up that no one ever tells you, is

1084
00:51:42,120 --> 00:51:44,960
Speaker 1: that you are going to bloom and blossom in ways

1085
00:51:44,960 --> 00:51:45,880
Speaker 1: that you did not know.

1086
00:51:46,360 --> 00:51:47,920
Speaker 2: That's just the way the world works.

1087
00:51:47,960 --> 00:51:49,760
Speaker 1: You're not going to sit here and wallow and self

1088
00:51:49,760 --> 00:51:52,319
Speaker 1: pity or be upset for years and years and years.

1089
00:51:52,360 --> 00:51:53,879
Speaker 1: That's just not going to happen. You're going to meet

1090
00:51:53,880 --> 00:51:55,920
Speaker 1: other people, You're going to be interested in other people.

1091
00:51:56,200 --> 00:51:58,160
Speaker 1: And I think the most crucial thing to do is

1092
00:51:58,200 --> 00:52:01,000
Speaker 1: to really not try to push any of it away.

1093
00:52:01,600 --> 00:52:06,399
Speaker 1: Just experience the breakup, Experience the loss, the grief, Welcome it.

1094
00:52:06,520 --> 00:52:06,719
Speaker 2: You know.

1095
00:52:06,880 --> 00:52:08,799
Speaker 1: They say like, if you allow yourself to cry and

1096
00:52:08,840 --> 00:52:10,840
Speaker 1: be in pain, it lasts for like ninety seconds and

1097
00:52:10,880 --> 00:52:13,399
Speaker 1: then it's over. And it's kind of true. I mean,

1098
00:52:13,400 --> 00:52:15,720
Speaker 1: and maybe it's less than ninety seconds. It's something small

1099
00:52:15,840 --> 00:52:18,520
Speaker 1: like that. It's not over for good, but you move

1100
00:52:18,640 --> 00:52:21,960
Speaker 1: through that, you know. So my advice to you is

1101
00:52:22,000 --> 00:52:24,720
Speaker 1: to not resist the moment that you're in and resist

1102
00:52:24,800 --> 00:52:27,480
Speaker 1: the reality that you're in. But to look at it

1103
00:52:27,600 --> 00:52:30,719
Speaker 1: with open arms and have an attitude of love. Like

1104
00:52:31,160 --> 00:52:33,759
Speaker 1: you don't have to be angry at that guy or

1105
00:52:33,800 --> 00:52:35,600
Speaker 1: your ex. You don't have to be mad at him.

1106
00:52:35,680 --> 00:52:39,600
Speaker 1: You have to just learn you to understand that certain

1107
00:52:39,640 --> 00:52:42,520
Speaker 1: people aren't meant for us, and it's a gift when

1108
00:52:42,560 --> 00:52:45,080
Speaker 1: we are separated from them, even if it's from the

1109
00:52:45,120 --> 00:52:48,240
Speaker 1: other person doing it, it is a gift. It's getting

1110
00:52:48,280 --> 00:52:52,080
Speaker 1: you closer to your real happiness, and maybe that happiness

1111
00:52:52,080 --> 00:52:55,200
Speaker 1: involves you spending some time alone so that you know,

1112
00:52:55,280 --> 00:52:58,120
Speaker 1: getting to really sit with yourself and make making sure

1113
00:52:58,120 --> 00:53:01,560
Speaker 1: that you're looking for any of those red flags the

1114
00:53:01,600 --> 00:53:03,400
Speaker 1: next time, you know what I mean, So you're not

1115
00:53:03,480 --> 00:53:06,880
Speaker 1: making the same kind of choices twice. I think that

1116
00:53:07,040 --> 00:53:10,840
Speaker 1: is the best like advice in life is to try

1117
00:53:10,920 --> 00:53:13,759
Speaker 1: not to make the same mistake twice. It kind of

1118
00:53:13,800 --> 00:53:17,480
Speaker 1: redirects what you're willing to tolerate, you know, from different people.

1119
00:53:17,480 --> 00:53:19,520
Speaker 1: It's like, I don't want to have that I dated

1120
00:53:19,520 --> 00:53:21,760
Speaker 1: an asshole once. I'm not saying your guy was an asshole,

1121
00:53:21,800 --> 00:53:23,759
Speaker 1: but I dated an asshole once. I didn't want to

1122
00:53:23,760 --> 00:53:26,279
Speaker 1: ever date an asshole twice, and I have it. You know,

1123
00:53:26,360 --> 00:53:28,520
Speaker 1: I've dated different kinds of assholes, but never the same

1124
00:53:28,560 --> 00:53:31,480
Speaker 1: type of asshole, you know, And like I like to

1125
00:53:31,520 --> 00:53:34,000
Speaker 1: look at that, I like to look at life through

1126
00:53:34,040 --> 00:53:37,000
Speaker 1: that lens, like it's if something doesn't work out, great,

1127
00:53:37,520 --> 00:53:39,960
Speaker 1: that won't happen again the next time. I'm going to

1128
00:53:40,000 --> 00:53:41,680
Speaker 1: find something, you know, I'm going to find something different,

1129
00:53:41,760 --> 00:53:42,879
Speaker 1: or I'm going to find something that.

1130
00:53:42,800 --> 00:53:43,520
Speaker 2: Does work out.

1131
00:53:43,920 --> 00:53:46,520
Speaker 1: So I would my advice would be that is to

1132
00:53:46,600 --> 00:53:49,400
Speaker 1: just sit in this moment and you know, talk about

1133
00:53:49,400 --> 00:53:51,480
Speaker 1: it when you need to talk about it. Hire a

1134
00:53:51,520 --> 00:53:54,000
Speaker 1: therapist if you don't have one already, to help you

1135
00:53:54,040 --> 00:53:57,439
Speaker 1: work through it and also develop better. Like I don't

1136
00:53:57,440 --> 00:53:59,800
Speaker 1: want to insult your judgment because it's not about your judgment,

1137
00:53:59,800 --> 00:54:00,879
Speaker 1: but you have to know.

1138
00:54:00,840 --> 00:54:02,359
Speaker 2: Exactly what you're looking for.

1139
00:54:02,760 --> 00:54:06,240
Speaker 1: So like Sarah, we've been talking about this, like getting

1140
00:54:06,280 --> 00:54:08,480
Speaker 1: to know what you need, what you want, how to

1141
00:54:08,520 --> 00:54:11,600
Speaker 1: be your most authentic self so that you're attracting the

1142
00:54:11,640 --> 00:54:16,239
Speaker 1: type of person that respects, that recognizes it and lucks it,

1143
00:54:16,400 --> 00:54:18,839
Speaker 1: you know, and wants to be with you, and that

1144
00:54:19,000 --> 00:54:21,440
Speaker 1: all all that work is kind of what has to

1145
00:54:21,480 --> 00:54:22,880
Speaker 1: happen after each breakup.

1146
00:54:23,680 --> 00:54:25,440
Speaker 7: Yeah, no, I fully agree on all of that.

1147
00:54:26,239 --> 00:54:29,719
Speaker 4: First of all, why I'm so sorry for your heartbreak,

1148
00:54:29,840 --> 00:54:33,680
Speaker 4: like I know it sucks. And Chelsea said so many

1149
00:54:33,719 --> 00:54:37,440
Speaker 4: incredible things, and I can tell that you are an

1150
00:54:37,440 --> 00:54:40,399
Speaker 4: incredible human and you have this light that radiates through

1151
00:54:40,400 --> 00:54:45,920
Speaker 4: your audition looking frame. But on top of everything that

1152
00:54:46,040 --> 00:54:48,759
Speaker 4: Chelsea said, which is so true, there's a couple things

1153
00:54:48,800 --> 00:54:50,680
Speaker 4: I thought of that I want I would love for

1154
00:54:50,719 --> 00:54:53,600
Speaker 4: you to think about. You said that you can meet

1155
00:54:53,640 --> 00:54:57,680
Speaker 4: people where they're at. Per my experience, you can only

1156
00:54:57,719 --> 00:55:01,960
Speaker 4: meet people as deeply as they've met them. And it

1157
00:55:02,040 --> 00:55:06,120
Speaker 4: doesn't sound like and it doesn't sound like your ex

1158
00:55:06,239 --> 00:55:09,759
Speaker 4: has met himself very deeply, even though he is, you know,

1159
00:55:09,920 --> 00:55:13,799
Speaker 4: twenty years older than you. I'm sure the relationship gave

1160
00:55:13,840 --> 00:55:17,720
Speaker 4: you a lot of wonderful things to think on, learn,

1161
00:55:18,400 --> 00:55:23,040
Speaker 4: chew on. And the other thing I wanted I wanted

1162
00:55:23,080 --> 00:55:26,000
Speaker 4: to say is God, Chelsea said so many good things.

1163
00:55:26,960 --> 00:55:32,879
Speaker 4: Just because you are good for somebody doesn't mean they

1164
00:55:32,960 --> 00:55:37,120
Speaker 4: are good for you. So to speak to the part

1165
00:55:37,200 --> 00:55:40,000
Speaker 4: of you that feels because because I'm I'm very much

1166
00:55:40,080 --> 00:55:43,560
Speaker 4: like you, my heart is so soft and I have

1167
00:55:43,800 --> 00:55:46,040
Speaker 4: you know, when you're an EmPATH, you have so much

1168
00:55:46,120 --> 00:55:50,520
Speaker 4: empathy for the other person you can rationalize their bad behavior,

1169
00:55:50,920 --> 00:55:52,879
Speaker 4: and it makes you soft, and it makes you want

1170
00:55:52,880 --> 00:55:55,000
Speaker 4: to forgive, and it makes you want to take them back.

1171
00:55:55,400 --> 00:55:57,200
Speaker 4: But kurr of the work that I've done, And your

1172
00:55:57,200 --> 00:55:59,560
Speaker 4: mom is a therapist, so you might be doing this

1173
00:55:59,600 --> 00:56:04,000
Speaker 4: stuff already. What I learned is that that that's not empathy.

1174
00:56:04,160 --> 00:56:08,600
Speaker 4: That's me trying to prove my worth to somebody. My

1175
00:56:08,680 --> 00:56:11,200
Speaker 4: father left when I was very young, and I spent

1176
00:56:11,280 --> 00:56:14,759
Speaker 4: a large portion of my young adult life trying to

1177
00:56:14,800 --> 00:56:17,359
Speaker 4: prove and I thought I was the reason why he left,

1178
00:56:17,360 --> 00:56:19,200
Speaker 4: Like I thought I wasn't a good enough daughter. So

1179
00:56:19,320 --> 00:56:22,040
Speaker 4: every time he came back, I would like I would

1180
00:56:22,040 --> 00:56:24,400
Speaker 4: be like a cat in between his legs, like trying

1181
00:56:24,440 --> 00:56:26,160
Speaker 4: to purr on him and sit on his lap and

1182
00:56:26,719 --> 00:56:28,600
Speaker 4: just like do whatever I could to make sure he

1183
00:56:28,640 --> 00:56:31,799
Speaker 4: didn't leave again, because if he picked me, I knew

1184
00:56:31,840 --> 00:56:36,360
Speaker 4: I was worthy. So I started imitating those same patterns

1185
00:56:36,360 --> 00:56:39,400
Speaker 4: in my relationships, and I would have partners like that

1186
00:56:39,480 --> 00:56:42,200
Speaker 4: would leave and I would I again, this is because

1187
00:56:42,200 --> 00:56:44,239
Speaker 4: I want to prove, because there's a story in my

1188
00:56:44,280 --> 00:56:46,480
Speaker 4: brain that in order for me to be loved, I

1189
00:56:46,560 --> 00:56:48,879
Speaker 4: have to prove that I am worthy, that I am

1190
00:56:48,920 --> 00:56:51,680
Speaker 4: good enough. So I would start doing that stuff, and

1191
00:56:51,760 --> 00:56:55,080
Speaker 4: I would not have any boundaries. I would let the

1192
00:56:55,080 --> 00:56:58,360
Speaker 4: person cheat on me, throw things at me, push me,

1193
00:56:58,760 --> 00:57:01,319
Speaker 4: spit in my face, do whatever, and then they would

1194
00:57:01,320 --> 00:57:05,200
Speaker 4: come back and apologize. And because I was like, yeah,

1195
00:57:05,280 --> 00:57:08,000
Speaker 4: I can understan, Yeah, okay, well they were really drunk

1196
00:57:08,080 --> 00:57:10,960
Speaker 4: or they were high, or yeah you were just angry,

1197
00:57:11,040 --> 00:57:12,759
Speaker 4: and you know, I'm going to allow for you to

1198
00:57:12,760 --> 00:57:15,560
Speaker 4: be who you are. I would accept that. I would

1199
00:57:15,600 --> 00:57:19,080
Speaker 4: accept it when it's like no, because those things I

1200
00:57:19,120 --> 00:57:21,600
Speaker 4: don't deserve to be treated like that. Nobody deserves to

1201
00:57:21,600 --> 00:57:24,520
Speaker 4: be treated like that. Or I should say that's not

1202
00:57:24,680 --> 00:57:28,600
Speaker 4: the type of relationship that's for me. Maybe for somebody

1203
00:57:28,640 --> 00:57:32,080
Speaker 4: else they enjoy that kind of thing. That's not what

1204
00:57:32,120 --> 00:57:35,520
Speaker 4: I'm looking for for my nervous system. And at the

1205
00:57:35,600 --> 00:57:38,440
Speaker 4: end of the day, I think you should be you know,

1206
00:57:39,000 --> 00:57:40,520
Speaker 4: not that I'm trying to sit here and sell a

1207
00:57:40,520 --> 00:57:43,560
Speaker 4: copy of my book, but hey, why not if you can. Uh.

1208
00:57:44,120 --> 00:57:47,240
Speaker 4: I do talk about like marriage and breakups and all that. Well,

1209
00:57:47,320 --> 00:57:49,560
Speaker 4: I know you guys weren't married, but just breakups in

1210
00:57:49,600 --> 00:57:52,760
Speaker 4: the book, and your life is going to open up

1211
00:57:52,800 --> 00:57:55,920
Speaker 4: in so many marvelous ways, Like this man did you

1212
00:57:56,040 --> 00:57:59,960
Speaker 4: a favor. He did you a favor. So if anything,

1213
00:58:00,080 --> 00:58:03,080
Speaker 4: it's like bless him, send him on his way. And

1214
00:58:03,120 --> 00:58:06,000
Speaker 4: anytime you have those feelings, like Chelsea said, let them

1215
00:58:06,040 --> 00:58:09,480
Speaker 4: come out, that's beautiful. That just shows you the depths

1216
00:58:09,480 --> 00:58:12,840
Speaker 4: of like your love. So and as often as you can,

1217
00:58:12,920 --> 00:58:15,040
Speaker 4: try to turn it back to that as opposed to

1218
00:58:15,040 --> 00:58:17,480
Speaker 4: being like how much you miss him, make it more

1219
00:58:17,480 --> 00:58:20,360
Speaker 4: about yourself than what a beautiful human you are and

1220
00:58:20,400 --> 00:58:21,760
Speaker 4: how much you're expanding.

1221
00:58:23,000 --> 00:58:26,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's something that we were just talking about

1222
00:58:26,120 --> 00:58:28,800
Speaker 1: that Wyatt before you were on is just when you

1223
00:58:28,840 --> 00:58:31,680
Speaker 1: get heartbroken, or you get your heart broken, your part

1224
00:58:31,920 --> 00:58:35,200
Speaker 1: comes back together, the pieces come back together, and it

1225
00:58:35,240 --> 00:58:38,600
Speaker 1: makes a stronger heart, Like you become stronger and you

1226
00:58:38,680 --> 00:58:40,760
Speaker 1: become I just want to circle back because you were

1227
00:58:40,760 --> 00:58:43,080
Speaker 1: talking about empathy and being an EmPATH and like, don't

1228
00:58:43,080 --> 00:58:47,520
Speaker 1: confuse empathy with codependency. Like those two things are very

1229
00:58:47,560 --> 00:58:51,240
Speaker 1: close together. So when you're being so empathetic that you're

1230
00:58:51,280 --> 00:58:55,560
Speaker 1: allowing behaviors to exist because of what they've been through

1231
00:58:55,840 --> 00:59:00,919
Speaker 1: without having your own standards and boundaries in place, then

1232
00:59:01,080 --> 00:59:04,720
Speaker 1: that's a codependency. That's just allowing behavior and working around

1233
00:59:04,760 --> 00:59:08,360
Speaker 1: someone else's problems and they're not working around yours. So

1234
00:59:08,480 --> 00:59:11,520
Speaker 1: for you your next relationship, I want you to focus

1235
00:59:11,600 --> 00:59:15,320
Speaker 1: on having an equal relationship where you're both equally caring

1236
00:59:15,360 --> 00:59:18,400
Speaker 1: of the other person. And it can be imbalanced at times,

1237
00:59:18,680 --> 00:59:21,640
Speaker 1: but overall, when you look at like a spreadsheet, you

1238
00:59:21,760 --> 00:59:24,160
Speaker 1: both have to be putting in the same amount of

1239
00:59:24,200 --> 00:59:28,960
Speaker 1: effort towards each other and towards understanding, like caring, thinking

1240
00:59:29,040 --> 00:59:31,640
Speaker 1: about the other person, wondering how they're doing.

1241
00:59:31,800 --> 00:59:32,640
Speaker 2: It can't be once.

1242
00:59:32,760 --> 00:59:35,880
Speaker 1: It can't be lopsided because that just develops into a

1243
00:59:35,920 --> 00:59:38,440
Speaker 1: codependency and it's like bad, bad habits, and those are

1244
00:59:38,480 --> 00:59:41,400
Speaker 1: hard to break after you develop them.

1245
00:59:41,520 --> 00:59:44,760
Speaker 4: Yeah, and then one more thing that Chelsea just reminded

1246
00:59:44,800 --> 00:59:50,400
Speaker 4: me of too. I hope this is all helpful, Okay, okay.

1247
00:59:50,880 --> 00:59:55,800
Speaker 4: And when Chelsea was talking about bad behaviors and choosing

1248
00:59:55,840 --> 00:59:59,400
Speaker 4: differently in the future, I had a partner actually teach

1249
00:59:59,480 --> 01:00:02,360
Speaker 4: this to me, and I thought this was brilliant. When

1250
01:00:02,400 --> 01:00:05,360
Speaker 4: someone makes a mistake, right, they do something that is

1251
01:00:05,400 --> 01:00:09,640
Speaker 4: clearly not right okay, or doesn't work whatever however you

1252
01:00:09,680 --> 01:00:12,920
Speaker 4: want to label it, that can be an accident. Okay,

1253
01:00:13,080 --> 01:00:16,880
Speaker 4: I did this, It's an accident. I'm sorry. It's not

1254
01:00:16,960 --> 01:00:19,360
Speaker 4: going to happen again. That can be labeled as a mistake.

1255
01:00:19,680 --> 01:00:25,280
Speaker 4: When it keeps happening, when it's repetitive, that's no longer

1256
01:00:25,480 --> 01:00:30,480
Speaker 4: an accident. That's who they are. That is chosen behavior,

1257
01:00:30,880 --> 01:00:34,680
Speaker 4: and that is who they are. So and then there's

1258
01:00:34,680 --> 01:00:36,720
Speaker 4: that great you know. I don't remember if it was

1259
01:00:36,760 --> 01:00:38,960
Speaker 4: Oprah or My Angelou who said it, but it was

1260
01:00:39,040 --> 01:00:41,439
Speaker 4: like when people show it was my Angelou. When people

1261
01:00:41,560 --> 01:00:46,800
Speaker 4: show you who they are, believe them. Yeah, you know exactly.

1262
01:00:47,600 --> 01:00:47,880
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1263
01:00:47,920 --> 01:00:51,840
Speaker 1: So if you take everything we said, Wyat like, you

1264
01:00:51,920 --> 01:00:55,160
Speaker 1: have a lot to look forward to, So be gentle

1265
01:00:55,200 --> 01:00:58,280
Speaker 1: with yourself and like getting through this period and then

1266
01:00:58,360 --> 01:01:00,480
Speaker 1: get excited about what the future has to offer.

1267
01:01:00,520 --> 01:01:02,680
Speaker 2: You're twenty nine years old, you're gonna fall in off

1268
01:01:02,720 --> 01:01:04,240
Speaker 2: and you're probably a few times.

1269
01:01:04,320 --> 01:01:08,760
Speaker 4: You haven't even suffered twink death. You look great. Thank

1270
01:01:08,800 --> 01:01:12,440
Speaker 4: you so much. Yes, Like, if this is what your

1271
01:01:12,480 --> 01:01:15,080
Speaker 4: torso looks like, I can only mate a half. So

1272
01:01:15,800 --> 01:01:19,640
Speaker 4: it's all downhill money you are. You are good to go,

1273
01:01:19,840 --> 01:01:22,040
Speaker 4: my friend. That's so sweet.

1274
01:01:23,080 --> 01:01:24,120
Speaker 2: Thanks for calling him.

1275
01:01:24,120 --> 01:01:26,600
Speaker 4: Why of course, thank you for the time space to listen.

1276
01:01:26,800 --> 01:01:33,440
Speaker 2: Yeah for sure. Oh what a sweetie. I know, so sweet, Wyatt.

1277
01:01:33,480 --> 01:01:35,320
Speaker 4: You guys gave such good advice to him. He's going

1278
01:01:35,400 --> 01:01:36,960
Speaker 4: to do He's going to do great. He's going to

1279
01:01:37,040 --> 01:01:37,320
Speaker 4: do great.

1280
01:01:37,360 --> 01:01:38,680
Speaker 2: He's going to flourish.

1281
01:01:38,920 --> 01:01:39,240
Speaker 7: He is.

1282
01:01:39,680 --> 01:01:41,440
Speaker 4: Well, let's take a quick break and we'll be back

1283
01:01:41,440 --> 01:01:41,960
Speaker 4: to wrap up.

1284
01:01:42,160 --> 01:01:44,360
Speaker 2: Okay, and we're going to take a break.

1285
01:01:44,800 --> 01:01:51,160
Speaker 1: Okay, we are taking a break, and we're back with

1286
01:01:51,200 --> 01:01:54,280
Speaker 1: Sarah Shaty. Her new book is called Life Is Lifey

1287
01:01:54,400 --> 01:01:58,880
Speaker 1: The a Disease Navigating Life's messy middle and you can

1288
01:01:58,920 --> 01:02:01,200
Speaker 1: also find her in the upcoming seasons of Hulu's Paradise

1289
01:02:01,440 --> 01:02:05,440
Speaker 1: and the upcoming sequel to Red White and Royal Blue. Okay,

1290
01:02:05,440 --> 01:02:07,600
Speaker 1: what do we have to close this out today, Catherine?

1291
01:02:08,040 --> 01:02:10,160
Speaker 3: I mean, I do have a quickie if you're ready

1292
01:02:10,160 --> 01:02:11,920
Speaker 3: for a quickie, already have.

1293
01:02:12,040 --> 01:02:13,160
Speaker 2: A minute for a quickie?

1294
01:02:13,400 --> 01:02:16,640
Speaker 4: Yeah? What's a quickie without a person?

1295
01:02:16,800 --> 01:02:17,040
Speaker 6: Oh?

1296
01:02:17,080 --> 01:02:19,040
Speaker 4: Oh? I was like, what are we doing, ladies?

1297
01:02:19,680 --> 01:02:22,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, like not a very complicated Chloe. We just need

1298
01:02:22,320 --> 01:02:24,840
Speaker 2: you straight a quick Gloe. I don't know if your

1299
01:02:24,880 --> 01:02:26,240
Speaker 2: Ti Joe at your house.

1300
01:02:26,600 --> 01:02:28,240
Speaker 4: I didn't see this email.

1301
01:02:29,120 --> 01:02:31,680
Speaker 3: We'll finish up with our one drink question, which is

1302
01:02:31,960 --> 01:02:35,320
Speaker 3: Dear Chelsea. Last year for her birthday and Christmas, our

1303
01:02:35,400 --> 01:02:38,560
Speaker 3: niece's response to our gift was let's just say, less

1304
01:02:38,600 --> 01:02:42,120
Speaker 3: than enthusiastic. Plus, she made a rude comment. She's nine.

1305
01:02:42,640 --> 01:02:44,880
Speaker 3: We didn't say anything to her, but later my husband

1306
01:02:44,960 --> 01:02:46,600
Speaker 3: talked to his sister and let her know that her

1307
01:02:46,680 --> 01:02:50,280
Speaker 3: daughter's lack of gratitude and rude comment hurt. His sister

1308
01:02:50,480 --> 01:02:52,360
Speaker 3: did not take this very well. She thought we were

1309
01:02:52,400 --> 01:02:55,439
Speaker 3: attacking her parenting rather than asking for her to teach

1310
01:02:55,440 --> 01:02:56,160
Speaker 3: her kid to give.

1311
01:02:56,080 --> 01:02:56,880
Speaker 2: A polite thank you.

1312
01:02:57,360 --> 01:02:59,720
Speaker 3: His sister has asked us not to give her her

1313
01:02:59,800 --> 01:03:02,760
Speaker 3: children presence and told us they wouldn't even notice if

1314
01:03:02,760 --> 01:03:05,120
Speaker 3: they got gifts from us or not. Last time we

1315
01:03:05,160 --> 01:03:07,480
Speaker 3: saw them, his sister was chilly. We have a family

1316
01:03:07,520 --> 01:03:10,440
Speaker 3: event coming up. Should I address this with her? Thanks Sissy?

1317
01:03:11,840 --> 01:03:15,000
Speaker 1: I mean, well, it's obvious where she got her manners from,

1318
01:03:15,240 --> 01:03:15,840
Speaker 1: I mean.

1319
01:03:17,360 --> 01:03:17,760
Speaker 2: Her mother.

1320
01:03:18,360 --> 01:03:20,200
Speaker 4: What I was thinking, like, what the fuck?

1321
01:03:20,440 --> 01:03:22,080
Speaker 1: First of all, please and thank you are the first

1322
01:03:22,160 --> 01:03:26,160
Speaker 1: two phrases you should learn. Please and thank you, thank you,

1323
01:03:26,280 --> 01:03:27,080
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you.

1324
01:03:27,640 --> 01:03:29,240
Speaker 4: I have a thought, Chelsea, do you go?

1325
01:03:29,400 --> 01:03:30,640
Speaker 2: You go ahead? Because you're a mother.

1326
01:03:30,680 --> 01:03:33,360
Speaker 1: I always have to think things through because when I

1327
01:03:33,360 --> 01:03:34,920
Speaker 1: don't have kids, I have to think about what the

1328
01:03:34,960 --> 01:03:35,480
Speaker 1: right thing is.

1329
01:03:35,520 --> 01:03:38,320
Speaker 4: You go first, okay. And by the way, I appreciate

1330
01:03:38,360 --> 01:03:42,160
Speaker 4: that because the amount of times people without you know, kids,

1331
01:03:42,240 --> 01:03:45,800
Speaker 4: want to just give their advice like it's the facts.

1332
01:03:45,960 --> 01:03:49,640
Speaker 4: So I appreciate that you have that awareness. I would say,

1333
01:03:50,040 --> 01:03:53,320
Speaker 4: what are you looking for? What would your intention be

1334
01:03:53,520 --> 01:03:57,240
Speaker 4: for bringing it up? Are you looking to resolve something

1335
01:03:57,560 --> 01:04:01,440
Speaker 4: or get a different way of behavior out of her,

1336
01:04:02,120 --> 01:04:06,760
Speaker 4: or are you wanting to just express something from yourself?

1337
01:04:07,000 --> 01:04:09,600
Speaker 4: So I would get really clear on what your intention

1338
01:04:09,960 --> 01:04:12,520
Speaker 4: is if you did bring it up. If you're bringing

1339
01:04:12,560 --> 01:04:16,000
Speaker 4: it up to try to adjust her behavior, I'm not

1340
01:04:16,040 --> 01:04:19,160
Speaker 4: sure if you would be successful at that, and if anything,

1341
01:04:19,320 --> 01:04:23,240
Speaker 4: you might just create a really bad situation for everybody,

1342
01:04:23,240 --> 01:04:25,600
Speaker 4: Whereas if you just chose to be neutral, maybe the

1343
01:04:25,720 --> 01:04:27,880
Speaker 4: energy would be a little bit better. But if it's

1344
01:04:27,920 --> 01:04:31,360
Speaker 4: something you feel like you need to say regardless of

1345
01:04:31,480 --> 01:04:36,880
Speaker 4: what her response is, I am more aligned with that

1346
01:04:37,000 --> 01:04:39,320
Speaker 4: kind of stuff because then it's for you. It's not

1347
01:04:39,440 --> 01:04:42,000
Speaker 4: because you're trying. You don't have an expectation of the

1348
01:04:42,040 --> 01:04:45,640
Speaker 4: other person. So that's a tough one. But again i'd

1349
01:04:45,680 --> 01:04:47,960
Speaker 4: be like, if you're looking to change her behavior, I

1350
01:04:48,000 --> 01:04:49,280
Speaker 4: don't know if it would be worth it.

1351
01:04:49,320 --> 01:04:53,040
Speaker 1: But if I just based on your last interaction or

1352
01:04:53,080 --> 01:04:56,560
Speaker 1: the last interaction when she was confronted with her child's behavior.

1353
01:04:56,720 --> 01:04:59,240
Speaker 1: It doesn't seem like she's in a place or a

1354
01:04:59,320 --> 01:05:02,040
Speaker 1: state of mind to take that on like or to

1355
01:05:02,360 --> 01:05:05,560
Speaker 1: have any accountability for why her She's obviously embarrassed that

1356
01:05:05,600 --> 01:05:07,840
Speaker 1: her daughter acts like that, and instead of admitting that,

1357
01:05:07,880 --> 01:05:12,000
Speaker 1: she's covering up for it and defensive like, oh, that

1358
01:05:12,080 --> 01:05:14,440
Speaker 1: she doesn't need gifts from you, Like that's that's an

1359
01:05:14,520 --> 01:05:17,640
Speaker 1: even more childish thing to say than what the daughter said,

1360
01:05:17,680 --> 01:05:21,680
Speaker 1: you know, by not showing gratitude, but also you know,

1361
01:05:22,200 --> 01:05:24,720
Speaker 1: like just great, don't get her any more gifts.

1362
01:05:24,760 --> 01:05:26,400
Speaker 2: The girl doesn't know how to say thank you. She

1363
01:05:26,440 --> 01:05:28,600
Speaker 2: won't get any more gifts from you.

1364
01:05:29,120 --> 01:05:33,160
Speaker 1: And that behavior is going to surface and resurface and

1365
01:05:33,200 --> 01:05:35,000
Speaker 1: resurface like she's nine years old.

1366
01:05:35,000 --> 01:05:37,320
Speaker 2: It's not gonna get it's gonna get worse before it

1367
01:05:37,320 --> 01:05:37,800
Speaker 2: gets better.

1368
01:05:37,880 --> 01:05:40,560
Speaker 1: If it does get better, but it's gonna happen again

1369
01:05:40,640 --> 01:05:41,520
Speaker 1: in some rude way.

1370
01:05:41,600 --> 01:05:43,080
Speaker 2: She's gonna be rude in some other way.

1371
01:05:43,160 --> 01:05:46,280
Speaker 1: And I guess what I would say is not to

1372
01:05:46,560 --> 01:05:51,560
Speaker 1: address the issue unless it's a birthday situation and you

1373
01:05:51,640 --> 01:05:53,440
Speaker 1: don't bring a gift, and then you can be like

1374
01:05:53,480 --> 01:05:54,800
Speaker 1: you told us not to give her a gift.

1375
01:05:54,840 --> 01:05:58,040
Speaker 2: She doesn't you know, you said she wouldn't care, Like I.

1376
01:05:57,960 --> 01:05:59,880
Speaker 1: Would only bring it up if it's pertinent to what

1377
01:06:00,080 --> 01:06:00,760
Speaker 1: had happened.

1378
01:06:01,240 --> 01:06:03,920
Speaker 2: But this is going to recur with her with the.

1379
01:06:03,880 --> 01:06:06,120
Speaker 4: Girl, and this is that the last time the mom

1380
01:06:06,200 --> 01:06:06,760
Speaker 4: is going to hear this.

1381
01:06:07,480 --> 01:06:10,000
Speaker 1: So I think you're gonna have other opportunities instead of

1382
01:06:10,000 --> 01:06:13,080
Speaker 1: focusing on something that transpired a while ago, Why don't

1383
01:06:13,080 --> 01:06:15,320
Speaker 1: you wait for the next opportunity and then bring it

1384
01:06:15,400 --> 01:06:18,760
Speaker 1: up in the moment. There you go, So you're not

1385
01:06:18,920 --> 01:06:23,200
Speaker 1: harping on anything, you know, So that would be my advice. Yeah,

1386
01:06:23,240 --> 01:06:25,880
Speaker 1: don't say anything now, wait it wait, wait it out,

1387
01:06:25,880 --> 01:06:33,400
Speaker 1: and I will reveal itself again, Sarah. I just wanted

1388
01:06:33,400 --> 01:06:37,120
Speaker 1: to recognize the fact that you're Iranian, yeah, and Persian,

1389
01:06:37,160 --> 01:06:40,640
Speaker 1: and ask you if you have any family in Iran

1390
01:06:40,720 --> 01:06:41,080
Speaker 1: right now.

1391
01:06:41,160 --> 01:06:43,920
Speaker 4: I have a lot of family. I have a lot

1392
01:06:43,920 --> 01:06:47,480
Speaker 4: of family. My uncle actually got shot a couple of

1393
01:06:47,520 --> 01:06:51,440
Speaker 4: weeks ago. He was caught in the crossfires and they

1394
01:06:51,480 --> 01:06:53,600
Speaker 4: had a really hard time getting him in the hospital.

1395
01:06:53,640 --> 01:06:55,880
Speaker 4: He's fine. They were able to get the bullet out.

1396
01:06:56,120 --> 01:06:59,400
Speaker 4: He was driving to work, and yeah, it's really awful,

1397
01:06:59,640 --> 01:07:04,200
Speaker 4: and I pray for the situation over there to change.

1398
01:07:04,440 --> 01:07:08,280
Speaker 4: Growing up, being Persian is something that was always looked

1399
01:07:08,280 --> 01:07:11,400
Speaker 4: down upon, you know. I think the outside world believes

1400
01:07:11,520 --> 01:07:16,600
Speaker 4: that the Iranian citizens are like the government and that

1401
01:07:16,720 --> 01:07:20,360
Speaker 4: every Persian is a terrorist, and there was always this

1402
01:07:20,480 --> 01:07:24,320
Speaker 4: stigma around it. But I really really hope and pray

1403
01:07:24,480 --> 01:07:28,360
Speaker 4: that situations change, things change over there and the world

1404
01:07:28,400 --> 01:07:31,480
Speaker 4: can get to know Iran and its people for the

1405
01:07:31,480 --> 01:07:34,800
Speaker 4: beautiful citizens that they are. It's such a rich culture.

1406
01:07:34,920 --> 01:07:37,800
Speaker 4: It's such a diverse culture. It's like deeply immersed in

1407
01:07:37,880 --> 01:07:44,000
Speaker 4: poetry and beauty and songs, and you know, even there

1408
01:07:44,040 --> 01:07:47,760
Speaker 4: are no history books, even the history books that reflected

1409
01:07:47,800 --> 01:07:50,840
Speaker 4: the beauty that Iran had, even those have just been erased.

1410
01:07:51,480 --> 01:07:55,080
Speaker 4: So yeah, it's tough. I talk about it with my

1411
01:07:55,120 --> 01:07:57,920
Speaker 4: family every day. We don't really have a way to

1412
01:07:57,920 --> 01:08:00,840
Speaker 4: get in touch with anyone over there. It's pretty sad.

1413
01:08:01,000 --> 01:08:02,320
Speaker 4: And I'm just praying for a miracle.

1414
01:08:02,720 --> 01:08:04,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I am too. I am too. It feels

1415
01:08:04,920 --> 01:08:07,240
Speaker 2: like the whole world needs a miracle. We need a

1416
01:08:07,520 --> 01:08:07,800
Speaker 2: like that.

1417
01:08:07,920 --> 01:08:10,360
Speaker 1: All the systems feel like they're about to break, you know,

1418
01:08:10,680 --> 01:08:12,040
Speaker 1: like yes.

1419
01:08:11,960 --> 01:08:13,720
Speaker 4: And I just I and you know, and the people

1420
01:08:13,760 --> 01:08:17,200
Speaker 4: over there. They're so desperate. They have nothing to lose anymore.

1421
01:08:17,439 --> 01:08:17,640
Speaker 2: You know.

1422
01:08:17,680 --> 01:08:20,800
Speaker 4: It's like my I have a lot of family over there,

1423
01:08:20,800 --> 01:08:23,800
Speaker 4: aunts and uncles. They can't afford electricity, you know, they

1424
01:08:23,800 --> 01:08:27,400
Speaker 4: can't afford food. I mean, inflation is so high. It's

1425
01:08:27,400 --> 01:08:30,519
Speaker 4: like if you want to go out and buy a chicken,

1426
01:08:30,560 --> 01:08:32,760
Speaker 4: it's like one hundred dollars. You know. It's just it's

1427
01:08:32,800 --> 01:08:36,719
Speaker 4: insane how little these people have. And that's why they've

1428
01:08:36,760 --> 01:08:39,559
Speaker 4: just taken to the streets now, because they they're dead anyway,

1429
01:08:39,920 --> 01:08:42,960
Speaker 4: there is nothing to lose anymore. But they need help.

1430
01:08:43,080 --> 01:08:44,840
Speaker 4: They need help if they're going to instigate any kind

1431
01:08:44,840 --> 01:08:45,400
Speaker 4: of change.

1432
01:08:45,960 --> 01:08:46,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, I know.

1433
01:08:46,920 --> 01:08:51,320
Speaker 1: It's like, I mean, yeah, that's a whole other political conversation.

1434
01:08:51,240 --> 01:08:53,880
Speaker 4: Exactly exactly, one in which you know, yeah, we don't

1435
01:08:53,880 --> 01:08:56,599
Speaker 4: get into. But I really just pray that, uh, in

1436
01:08:56,640 --> 01:09:00,519
Speaker 4: this time of upheaval, you know that the analogy of

1437
01:09:00,720 --> 01:09:04,240
Speaker 4: things needing to break down in order to rebuild better.

1438
01:09:04,640 --> 01:09:07,720
Speaker 4: I really hope that applies, yeah for everybody.

1439
01:09:09,240 --> 01:09:12,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think so. I wonder I think that's true.

1440
01:09:12,400 --> 01:09:14,960
Speaker 1: I wonder how many years that takes, you know, like,

1441
01:09:15,120 --> 01:09:16,800
Speaker 1: or is it going to happen in our lifetime or

1442
01:09:16,840 --> 01:09:18,320
Speaker 1: is this going to be one hundred year thing?

1443
01:09:18,760 --> 01:09:22,240
Speaker 2: Like, are we going to see the change we need

1444
01:09:22,280 --> 01:09:22,479
Speaker 2: to go?

1445
01:09:22,560 --> 01:09:25,639
Speaker 1: I read this really interesting thing on Instagram this morning.

1446
01:09:25,640 --> 01:09:27,800
Speaker 1: It was a quote about how we were a matriarchal

1447
01:09:27,840 --> 01:09:30,519
Speaker 1: society for two hundred and fifty thousand years and for

1448
01:09:30,600 --> 01:09:33,600
Speaker 1: the ten thousand years that we've been a patriarchal society,

1449
01:09:34,200 --> 01:09:36,639
Speaker 1: shit has hit the fan and we've had more wars,

1450
01:09:36,880 --> 01:09:40,479
Speaker 1: We've had more like, you know, just depravity. Especially in

1451
01:09:40,560 --> 01:09:42,680
Speaker 1: light of all the news circulating right now, it's like

1452
01:09:42,760 --> 01:09:46,320
Speaker 1: we are in a situation where women have taken like

1453
01:09:46,680 --> 01:09:50,800
Speaker 1: a second class citizen role at the expense of humanity.

1454
01:09:51,600 --> 01:09:55,280
Speaker 4: Yes, and I really think that, you know, going back

1455
01:09:55,320 --> 01:09:57,800
Speaker 4: to the themes that we talk about too, it's like

1456
01:09:58,360 --> 01:10:01,839
Speaker 4: the reason why that happened, and that's this is important

1457
01:10:01,880 --> 01:10:05,960
Speaker 4: for every woman listener of your of your podcast and

1458
01:10:06,000 --> 01:10:09,160
Speaker 4: your platform to know is because we are so strong.

1459
01:10:09,560 --> 01:10:13,640
Speaker 4: We are the creators, Like the universe made us the

1460
01:10:13,680 --> 01:10:17,280
Speaker 4: creators for a reason, Like societies from the beginning of

1461
01:10:17,320 --> 01:10:21,599
Speaker 4: time have been so intimidated by the natural power that

1462
01:10:21,680 --> 01:10:25,040
Speaker 4: women hold. And it's just important for us to remember

1463
01:10:25,520 --> 01:10:29,160
Speaker 4: and do whatever we can, big or small to help

1464
01:10:29,240 --> 01:10:30,720
Speaker 4: tip that scale.

1465
01:10:30,960 --> 01:10:34,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, And it was comparing societies to like all animal societies,

1466
01:10:35,000 --> 01:10:36,920
Speaker 1: you know how they're like the of the male lines

1467
01:10:37,280 --> 01:10:39,680
Speaker 1: ousted out of the group because he's not helpful, you

1468
01:10:39,680 --> 01:10:43,439
Speaker 1: know that, how like all of these But seria, it's true,

1469
01:10:43,560 --> 01:10:47,760
Speaker 1: like it's all matriarchal and animals, elephants, lions, like all

1470
01:10:47,800 --> 01:10:50,080
Speaker 1: of it. They're just like you guys aren't allowed to

1471
01:10:50,120 --> 01:10:53,559
Speaker 1: be here. You're violent, you're scary, and you're you're brawny.

1472
01:10:53,720 --> 01:10:58,040
Speaker 1: But don't adding, don't confuse right brawn with like that's

1473
01:10:58,040 --> 01:10:59,960
Speaker 1: for labor, you know what I mean, that's not for

1474
01:11:00,720 --> 01:11:01,800
Speaker 1: running societies.

1475
01:11:02,040 --> 01:11:04,040
Speaker 4: So men have made such a mess of things.

1476
01:11:04,040 --> 01:11:05,720
Speaker 3: I think like, let's just get all of them out

1477
01:11:05,720 --> 01:11:07,840
Speaker 3: of power, and it's time for women to have a turn,

1478
01:11:07,920 --> 01:11:09,240
Speaker 3: and let's just see if we can turn this around.

1479
01:11:09,280 --> 01:11:09,640
Speaker 2: I think we can.

1480
01:11:09,880 --> 01:11:12,320
Speaker 4: And I love men. You know, I'm not sitting here

1481
01:11:12,400 --> 01:11:14,760
Speaker 4: as you know, a man hater like saying this. I

1482
01:11:15,080 --> 01:11:18,439
Speaker 4: love men, and I think there's a very important role

1483
01:11:18,560 --> 01:11:23,200
Speaker 4: for them to play. But the tips of the scale

1484
01:11:23,240 --> 01:11:28,080
Speaker 4: of masculinity has become so unhealthy that we need to

1485
01:11:28,120 --> 01:11:29,160
Speaker 4: find that balance again.

1486
01:11:29,560 --> 01:11:33,400
Speaker 1: Sarah loved hanging out with you so much fun talking.

1487
01:11:33,080 --> 01:11:36,000
Speaker 4: To you you as well, Chelsea, thank you so much.

1488
01:11:36,040 --> 01:11:37,280
Speaker 4: This has been such a privilege.

1489
01:11:37,360 --> 01:11:38,240
Speaker 2: It was so fun.

1490
01:11:38,400 --> 01:11:41,720
Speaker 1: And the book is called Life Is Lifey the a

1491
01:11:42,200 --> 01:11:46,759
Speaker 1: disease navigating Life's messy middle. So please grab yourself a copy.

1492
01:11:47,000 --> 01:11:49,560
Speaker 1: And I hope to see you in person at some point, Sarah.

1493
01:11:49,320 --> 01:11:52,040
Speaker 4: I hope so too. I hope so too. Yes, we'll

1494
01:11:52,040 --> 01:11:53,679
Speaker 4: be dripping in all kinds of goodness.

1495
01:11:54,200 --> 01:11:56,479
Speaker 2: Yeah, we'll practice our blowjobs together. That'll be something I

1496
01:11:56,520 --> 01:11:57,080
Speaker 2: look forward to.

1497
01:11:57,080 --> 01:12:01,840
Speaker 4: That would be fun, fun. Take care, we'll switch dips. Okay, great,

1498
01:12:01,840 --> 01:12:04,240
Speaker 4: All right, bye, ladies, Thank you so much, have a

1499
01:12:04,240 --> 01:12:04,720
Speaker 4: great day.

1500
01:12:05,120 --> 01:12:08,120
Speaker 1: Okay, guys, I am officially on my high and mighty tour.

1501
01:12:09,000 --> 01:12:15,680
Speaker 1: March thirteenth, Cleveland, Ohio. March fourteenth, Columbus, Ohio. March fifteenth, Cincinnati, Ohio.

1502
01:12:15,720 --> 01:12:20,680
Speaker 1: And then March twentieth is Denver, Colorado. March twenty seventh, Portland, Maine.

1503
01:12:20,680 --> 01:12:26,120
Speaker 1: March twenty eighth, Providence, Rhode Island. March twenty ninth, Springfield, Massachusetts.

1504
01:12:26,720 --> 01:12:29,479
Speaker 1: April tenth is Chicago. I'll be at the Chicago Theater

1505
01:12:30,120 --> 01:12:36,240
Speaker 1: in April eleventh. Indianapolis, Indiana. April twelfth, Louisville, Kentucky. April

1506
01:12:36,640 --> 01:12:40,600
Speaker 1: sixteenth is Albuquerque, New Mexico. April seventeenth is Masa, Arizona.

1507
01:12:41,040 --> 01:12:44,400
Speaker 1: April twenty third is Kansas City, Missouri. April twenty fourth

1508
01:12:44,400 --> 01:12:48,920
Speaker 1: is Saint Louis, Missouri. April twenty fifth is Minneapolis, Minnesota.

1509
01:12:49,240 --> 01:12:53,680
Speaker 1: April thirtieth Nashville, Tennessee. May first is Charlotte, North Carolina.

1510
01:12:53,720 --> 01:12:57,240
Speaker 1: May second is Durham, North Carolina. May sixth I'm doing

1511
01:12:57,280 --> 01:13:00,000
Speaker 1: Netflix as a joke festival. I will be in Los Angeles.

1512
01:13:00,200 --> 01:13:06,080
Speaker 1: That is a new announcement, along with Atlantic City May fifteenth, Saratoga, California.

1513
01:13:06,120 --> 01:13:11,240
Speaker 1: May sixteenth, Monterey, California, May seventeenth, Modesto, California, and then

1514
01:13:11,360 --> 01:13:12,360
Speaker 1: June fourth.

1515
01:13:12,080 --> 01:13:13,200
Speaker 2: Portchester, New York.

1516
01:13:13,880 --> 01:13:18,400
Speaker 1: June fifth is Boston, mass And June twelfth is Portland, Oregon.

1517
01:13:18,600 --> 01:13:23,240
Speaker 1: And then Seattle is June thirteenth, So suck on that, everybody.

1518
01:13:23,520 --> 01:13:25,560
Speaker 2: Go to Chelseahandler dot com for tickets.

1519
01:13:25,920 --> 01:13:28,679
Speaker 3: If you want advice from Chelsea, write into Dear Chelsea

1520
01:13:28,720 --> 01:13:32,080
Speaker 3: podcast at gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is a production

1521
01:13:32,280 --> 01:13:36,120
Speaker 3: of iHeartMedia. Follow Chelsea on all socials at Chelsea Handler

1522
01:13:36,200 --> 01:13:39,719
Speaker 3: and find Catherine on TikTok at flash Cadabra. Dear Chelsea

1523
01:13:39,840 --> 01:13:44,080
Speaker 3: is edited and engineered by Brandon Dickert executive producer Catherine Law.

1524
01:13:44,320 --> 01:13:47,559
Speaker 3: Find full video episodes and minnisodes now on Netflix, and

1525
01:13:47,600 --> 01:13:53,040
Speaker 3: get tickets to see Chelsea live at Chelseahandler dot com