Speaker 1: Hi, Katherine, Oh Hi Chelsea, Oh hello, what's up? Greetings
Speaker 1: from Whistler. It's very white. There's a white, white winter wonderland.
Speaker 1: Actually it's not really a winter wonderland. We've had kind
Speaker 1: of a low snow season. Although I am heading out
Speaker 1: today leaving for a week, and now they're expecting about
Speaker 1: a foot of snow. So hopefully when our return will
Speaker 1: be in better shape. Because you know, I have to
Speaker 1: film my ski video. Oh right, your birthday, ay ski video.
Speaker 1: So we were going to do it last week because
Speaker 1: I had my social media team come up for a
Speaker 1: little sabbatical. They came up here and where I was like,
Speaker 1: oh great, I said to Ricardo and Mina, who run
Speaker 1: the company. It's called Crispy Chicken. That's what attracted me
Speaker 1: to it. I'm trying still trying to get them to
Speaker 1: change the name to Krispy Chicken Nuggets, but they're not
Speaker 1: really biting on that one. Anyway, I had them come up.
Speaker 1: The three of them came up and we were gonna
Speaker 1: shoot my video and I was like, how proficient are
Speaker 1: you guys on snowboards because I will need your help.
Speaker 1: We I mean, we got to step it up this year.
Speaker 1: We need a drone, I need a different backdrop. I
Speaker 1: want to ski through the trees. So we're trying to
Speaker 1: coordinate all this, and I said, how proficient are you
Speaker 1: and they're like, well, you know, we're not advanced or anything,
Speaker 1: but we can both, you know, film you on snowboards.
Speaker 1: And I would like to say that, No, they could not.
Speaker 1: I took them out skiing. Thank god, I did not
Speaker 1: try to film this with them. They I mean, Mina
Speaker 1: is a little bit better, but Ricardo. I was like, Ricardo,
Speaker 1: how often do you snowboard? He's like once a year.
Speaker 1: I'm like, do you understand what we're dealing with here?
Speaker 1: Someone skiing backwards and filming me or snowboarding back through
Speaker 1: the tree or retreat. Well, I mean, I don't know
Speaker 1: how realistic that's going to be. So we'll see if
Speaker 1: I even conquer that, because we're gonna need a few
Speaker 1: camera men. But I'm in Whistler, so there's tons of
Speaker 1: people here that can film skiing for years obviously, you know,
Speaker 1: so I just have to find the right people. Yeah. I,
Speaker 1: by the way, love Ricardo and Mina. They're fantastic. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they're really really awesome, and we had a great time
Speaker 1: we went to the zip lining, we went to the
Speaker 1: BA Well, I dropped them off. I was like their
Speaker 1: mama bear. I felt like I was shuttling my kids
Speaker 1: around from carpool, you know. I would drop them off
Speaker 1: at school and they picked them up three hours later.
Speaker 1: I'm like, bye, guys. Then I dropped them off at
Speaker 1: the grocery store so they could get all the Canadian
Speaker 1: snacks to bring back, and then I'd picked them up
Speaker 1: and then they'd get in the car and it just
Speaker 1: would wreak of weed. I'm like, what is that smell? Anyway?
Speaker 1: So that's been happening up here. Just I love having
Speaker 1: people shuttle in and out of my little my ski chalet.
Speaker 1: It's so fun. I know, Chelsea, can you settle a
Speaker 1: marital argument for me? Really good? O? Yeah, I'd love to. So.
Speaker 1: Our bedroom, we're having some work done on the garage,
Speaker 1: was just right near our bedroom and our bad you
Speaker 1: turning it into what are you turning into Brad's man cave? Well,
Speaker 1: in addition to podcasting where it happens to be a
Speaker 1: drummer and musician, So we're turning it into his music studio.
Speaker 1: Oh music studio. Okay, that's bad in a man cave, Brad, Yeah, indeed,
Speaker 1: he can be a lot louder in there. Meanwhile, I
Speaker 1: just want to go out and say that my whole
Speaker 1: life is a man cavel. I want to do is
Speaker 1: be in my bed smoking weed and watching TV. So
Speaker 1: I might as well have a man cave as well.
Speaker 1: I love it. You just need a lazy boy, that's
Speaker 1: all you need in there. But so, it smelled weirdly
Speaker 1: like pine in our bedroom for the last couple of weeks,
Speaker 1: and we can't figure out why. But I think it
Speaker 1: kind of smells like weed. And in my opinion, weed
Speaker 1: smells a little bit like pine needles. But my loving
Speaker 1: husband thinks that that is absolutely ridiculous. It's skunky. Weed
Speaker 1: is skunky. That's why they call it skunky weed. Right, Well,
Speaker 1: not all weed is skunk. I mean, there's me that's
Speaker 1: not skunky. So I think that you're right, Catherine, as usual,
Speaker 1: that there can be a pine smell. For sure, when
Speaker 1: I walk into my house, it is an overwhelming smell
Speaker 1: of cannabis. My friend's daughter came over the other day
Speaker 1: and she goes, she's seven, She goes, what's that smell?
Speaker 1: I go, don't worry about it. You'll know when you're older. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're about to find out. But yeah, I think something
Speaker 1: we can definitely smell like pine. Are you trying to
Speaker 1: get rid of the smell or do you like the smell? No?
Speaker 1: I mean it's it's a pleasant smell. But we're just like,
Speaker 1: why suddenly does this smell like pine? We can't figure
Speaker 1: it out. So and neither of us are stashing weed
Speaker 1: in the bedroom. But I think it smells like weed,
Speaker 1: And well, why don't you start stashing weed? And then
Speaker 1: that will overwhelm the pine smell, and then that will
Speaker 1: create more symbiosis in your perfect more symbiosis and synergy. Well,
Speaker 1: thank you for settling that argument. And I am so
Speaker 1: glad that I won. Brad, how do you feel about
Speaker 1: that outcome? I'm crushed. Okay, my life is a lie. Yeah,
Speaker 1: this is, by the way, is something we've been discussing
Speaker 1: for like a decade. He's like, we doesn't smell like pine. Well,
Speaker 1: it doesn't always smell like skunks, but in this instance,
Speaker 1: I think it smells like weed. And it smells like
Speaker 1: skunky weed. Oh it doesn't. You don't smell pine? Oh?
Speaker 1: Oh I see, I see. Well it's interesting to me
Speaker 1: that you're arguing about this, but yet the hard boiled
Speaker 1: eggs weren't an issue for you at all. Brad Well,
Speaker 1: I guess I gotta turn a blind eye to some Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's interesting where you pick your battles. Well, I mean
Speaker 1: that's marriage right there. You got to pick your battles
Speaker 1: where you can. Exactly so chealously, I wanted to ask
Speaker 1: you some thoughts about making friends as an adult. I
Speaker 1: find when I meet somebody that I really like and
Speaker 1: I want to hang out with them more, I'm not
Speaker 1: one hundred percent sure how to go about that, how
Speaker 1: to feel out if they're as into me as I
Speaker 1: am into them. What are your thoughts? How do you
Speaker 1: do it? Oh? That's so funny. I mean I'm always
Speaker 1: making friends as an adult, and you're also constantly meeting
Speaker 1: new people. Yeah, I guess I'm lucky that way because
Speaker 1: I'm always bouncing around to different places, so I get
Speaker 1: to meet new people. I feel like it's a mutual connection.
Speaker 1: When you have chemistry, it's kind of undeniable. So likely
Speaker 1: if you're feeling something or like an attraction towards a
Speaker 1: person that you want to just like, spend more time
Speaker 1: with or hang out with in a non sexual way.
Speaker 1: It's pretty easy. It's usually reciprocated. I find yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: like if someone's texting me going when are we going
Speaker 1: to hang out, I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, I feel
Speaker 1: the same way. So I just don't feel like who
Speaker 1: cares about rules as an adult, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: But it's not like you're a kid and you're so
Speaker 1: self conscious and thinking about what other people think of you.
Speaker 1: Or maybe you are self conscious, but even so, it's
Speaker 1: good to extend invitations and broaden your horizons always, Like
Speaker 1: that's always a good idea to make sure you're keeping
Speaker 1: everything fresh and making new acquaintances as well as friends.
Speaker 1: You never know what anyone's going to bring to the table.
Speaker 1: So I always like to hang out with new people
Speaker 1: all the time. I'm always interested in a different perspective,
Speaker 1: you know. And I think a good thing to remember is,
Speaker 1: like we've talked about this a lot, that all relationships
Speaker 1: don't last forever. You know, a lot of relationships and
Speaker 1: and a lot of new people come into your life
Speaker 1: for a reason as well, So you should be open
Speaker 1: to that aspect of things of like, oh, this might
Speaker 1: be somebody that I'm supposed to know, are supposed to
Speaker 1: be friends with, and could be somebody that you're supposed
Speaker 1: to be friends with for the rest of your life.
Speaker 1: So I don't think there's any shame in reaching out
Speaker 1: and being like, hey, you want to hang out, I'm
Speaker 1: into you or whatever. You know what's sad into you,
Speaker 1: But you can say yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want
Speaker 1: people to think they're walking into a thruble situation. So
Speaker 1: that's how we caught you. That's how I feel sometimes
Speaker 1: when couples are trying to hang out with me and
Speaker 1: my back ut up back, it's a duck up, get
Speaker 1: away from me. I know what you're up to. I
Speaker 1: once had two friends come over so funny. I was
Speaker 1: leaving Reese Witherspoon's Christmas party years ago, and my friend
Speaker 1: and her husband drove me home and then I was like,
Speaker 1: do you guys want to come in for a drink?
Speaker 1: And they came in. It was actually my friend Kate
Speaker 1: and her ex husband, and they came in and they're
Speaker 1: sitting at my kitchen counter and I made them cocktails
Speaker 1: and then I said, just so you guys know, we're
Speaker 1: not hooking up, and they both looked at each other.
Speaker 1: Like what, And I was like, I don't know what
Speaker 1: you guys are into, but I'm not into it. And
Speaker 1: we've been friends ever, so gosh. We had a similar
Speaker 1: experience with a couple of friends of ours, and Brad
Speaker 1: had been hanging out with this guy. They were in
Speaker 1: a band together. I had met him a few times
Speaker 1: because he bartended. We just hit it off from the
Speaker 1: very beginning. Absolutely love this guy. We were in the
Speaker 1: car together, the three of us, and we were going
Speaker 1: to meet his wife, and I think I met her
Speaker 1: once or twice, but you know, it was early stages,
Speaker 1: and I made some joke about, oh, well, you know
Speaker 1: this is the point where we ask you guys to
Speaker 1: hook up with us or whatever, and he thought I
Speaker 1: was serious and just the back seat of the car
Speaker 1: win deadly. That's horrible, like five seconds and I was like, Matt,
Speaker 1: I'm joking. And then he was like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: Thank goodness, because I was really enjoying hanging out with
Speaker 1: you guys, and that was about to be over. I know,
Speaker 1: I hate having to say I'm joking, though, you know,
Speaker 1: I know it's an la thing, like a good barometer
Speaker 1: or measure of somebody who's worthy of hanging out with
Speaker 1: a somebody who also knows that that's a joke. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that takes it seriously. No offense to your friend. You
Speaker 1: a new friend, that's okay. We still are very good
Speaker 1: friends with them to this day. That was like a
Speaker 1: decade ago, so you know that's great advice. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much. Just to close it out, what's your go
Speaker 1: to friend date when you're first meeting someone. Is it
Speaker 1: let's grab dinner? Is it come over? What's your go
Speaker 1: to I mean I recently made a new friend because
Speaker 1: my neighbor called me. I think I talked about this.
Speaker 1: My neighbor that I'm moved building a house next to
Speaker 1: you got in touch with me and was like, Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm so excited that you're moving next to me. I
Speaker 1: want to we're going to be best friends. He's a
Speaker 1: gay guy, obviously, and he's like, I loved to party,
Speaker 1: I love everything you represent. I can't wait for us
Speaker 1: to be neighbors. We're going to build a funicular behind
Speaker 1: our houses to meet, or a zip line or whatever.
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh, that's so fun. And we
Speaker 1: were trying to hang out. We couldn't make it work.
Speaker 1: And then I was in Sundance skiing in Park City,
Speaker 1: and he was at Sundance at the festival and then
Speaker 1: we met. We met up there and we had a
Speaker 1: drink together. I think a drink, A drink is a
Speaker 1: good or a coffee, like if you're into coffee. I
Speaker 1: don't really drink coffee. So whenever people suggest that, I'm
Speaker 1: like whatever, that's life of meeting. Like I have business
Speaker 1: meetings over coffee, you know, where I pretend and to
Speaker 1: drink coffee or I have hot tea or who knows.
Speaker 1: I never know what to get at a coffee place. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know what, Starbucks has those not to plug anything,
Speaker 1: but Starbucks has those like refreshers that are like lightly sweet,
Speaker 1: they're fruity, and they have a little tina bit of caffeine.
Speaker 1: I like those when I'm not into coffee. Oh they
Speaker 1: have caffeine. I like anything with caffeine. Yeah, it's got
Speaker 1: a little caffeine. I think it's like maybe as much
Speaker 1: as a cup of tea, or maybe it is a
Speaker 1: cup of coffee. I don't know. You can ask them
Speaker 1: about I love Thank you for that. Thank you for
Speaker 1: that recommendation, Catherine. That is meaningful. So how is your
Speaker 1: house going? I was actually wondering about this morning. Who
Speaker 1: knows what the hell's happening with my house? I can't
Speaker 1: even This is a perfect example of my impulsivity. I
Speaker 1: wanted to get my family out of my house, so
Speaker 1: I had to send them a strong message. I put
Speaker 1: the house on the market, and now I have been
Speaker 1: homeless for two Yeah, and I've been in a rental.
Speaker 1: So oh, I have some other sad news to announce. Actually,
Speaker 1: oh no, okay, I haven't publicly announced it because I
Speaker 1: don't feel like it. But Bert is no longer with us.
Speaker 1: I know. I'm so sorry to hear that thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you, my poor little baby. He's so sweet. But
Speaker 1: Bernice is still with us, who knows for how long,
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna have to get her a little companion soon. Anyway,
Speaker 1: So my baby boy is gone. Oh, I'm so sorry
Speaker 1: to hear a thing thank you. He was such a
Speaker 1: sweet Oh he was so robust when I got him,
Speaker 1: and watching him kind of fall apart or deteriorate, it
Speaker 1: was so like, oh, it's heartbreaking. But you know what
Speaker 1: I feel like about dogs. I just feel like you
Speaker 1: gotta pivot that love because you give out so much
Speaker 1: love to them, and when you lose a dog, it's
Speaker 1: such an easy transfer of love to find another dog
Speaker 1: and give another dog a home and then give Bernice
Speaker 1: another little someone to torture. And so I will be
Speaker 1: doing that. I'll be on the hunt for a new
Speaker 1: chow guys soon, Okay, well I will. I'm sure you
Speaker 1: work at a lot of emails about this, so I
Speaker 1: will send things along to you, guys. But yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: so sorry. It's never easy. It's just never easy. I
Speaker 1: know it's never easy. But you know what you have
Speaker 1: to remember about dogs, It's like you gave them a life.
Speaker 1: He was at rescue and he was in bad shape
Speaker 1: when I got him, and then he was loved so hard,
Speaker 1: yes by his birth mother bought Bell, but also by
Speaker 1: me and all my friends. And he was just such
Speaker 1: a lover. I mean, I've never had a dog that
Speaker 1: would lie on me all night long. I just love that.
Speaker 1: Oh what a good boy. Yeah, well, just snuggle Bernie
Speaker 1: a little extra hard next time you see her. And
Speaker 1: also I loved what Laurel and Jackson said is that
Speaker 1: we're going to see them again one day. Well, Chelsea,
Speaker 1: I do have a couple of updates, okay from callers
Speaker 1: from previous episodes, So should we launch into those? Yeah,
Speaker 1: all right, fantastic. This one is from our dear friend
Speaker 1: Braden Cantelope, who was our sweet Canadian friend. He was
Speaker 1: in his early twenty and he was like, I want
Speaker 1: to study fashion, but I'm background friends and family and
Speaker 1: I want to move to London. So Braden says, Hi,
Speaker 1: h Chelsea and Catherine, I hope you're both doing well.
Speaker 1: I'm just emailing to say, while it's been a year,
Speaker 1: I've finally moved to London. Once my visa was sorted
Speaker 1: in November, I booked my flights for January and here
Speaker 1: I am. I've been here nearly a month now, moving
Speaker 1: into my beautiful flat tomorrow. Honestly, your advice did help
Speaker 1: give me the little kick in the ass I needed
Speaker 1: to get over here, and boy, am I glad I did.
Speaker 1: Thank you both for everything, Braid and Cantelope. PS. I've
Speaker 1: had a few viewers actually messaged me on my Instagram
Speaker 1: to see if I made the move. Most recently, someone
Speaker 1: messaged me just the other day and said they're so
Speaker 1: happy to see I made the move. How lovely of people.
Speaker 1: Oh that's so sweet. I love our little community who
Speaker 1: would have sunk it? You know what I mean? Seriously,
Speaker 1: it's just lovely. I used to just be a bitch
Speaker 1: on the E network, and now look at the wonderful
Speaker 1: work we're doing. Yes, I even had a maybe love
Speaker 1: connection the other day. Someone had listened to you know,
Speaker 1: someone who was single and said, hey, can you send
Speaker 1: her my Instagram? So I did. We'll see a straight
Speaker 1: guy apparently, or at least sometimes straight. Yeah, we should
Speaker 1: look into doing some sort of like matchmaking episode because
Speaker 1: I really like to set people up and you know,
Speaker 1: make people get together, force them. I love that. I
Speaker 1: love that cool. And then our next follow up is
Speaker 1: from Regina. She was the lesbian who was having an
Speaker 1: affair with a married woman and she has this to say,
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, I had a fucking fantastic ten day trip
Speaker 1: to South America. Remember she was about to leave. That
Speaker 1: started the day after we chatted. While I was gone,
Speaker 1: I had close to zero communication with my lover slash coworker,
Speaker 1: which is of course what we both needed. When I returned,
Speaker 1: we amicably talked and agreed that the affair, both emotional
Speaker 1: and physical, needed to stop. She has stated a few
Speaker 1: times that she is quote going to tell her partner
Speaker 1: the truth when she is ready, and who the fuck
Speaker 1: knows when that will be. I could go into more
Speaker 1: detail for you about how she's struggling with my new
Speaker 1: lack of emotional investment in our relationship and my refusal
Speaker 1: to be vulnerable with her anymore. I think that's great,
Speaker 1: but it doesn't really matter. What does matter is talking
Speaker 1: with you was the turning point in this seemingly endless
Speaker 1: roundabout that I couldn't stop circling. So thank you so
Speaker 1: fucking much for that. I wanted things to change without
Speaker 1: having to make any changes. The feedback I got from
Speaker 1: you and Natasha was the kick in the ass I needed. Anyway,
Speaker 1: I'm writing tonight to not only give you that brief update,
Speaker 1: but also to ask one would be a good time
Speaker 1: for us to get together so we can start our
Speaker 1: own affair as per your proposal. I'm vaccinated in horny,
Speaker 1: so let me know when works best for you. Kiss.
Speaker 1: Now I have to start sleeping with my female callers.
Speaker 1: Such a burden, tricky. First of all, vaccinated it in
Speaker 1: Horny tour is over. We are starting a little big
Speaker 1: bitch tour. Yeah okay, and we just added red Rocks
Speaker 1: Oh that's amazing. Yeah, we added Red Rocks. We added
Speaker 1: there's a bunch of new dates that we added. So
Speaker 1: check on Chelseahandler dot com for tickets for my new tour,
Speaker 1: which is going to start in April. A little big bitch.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be so good. I've been writing all my
Speaker 1: material while I'm writing a fucking book. I'm like Jesus,
Speaker 1: I have too much to do. Too much writing. You
Speaker 1: gotta be out there having more life experiences so you
Speaker 1: have something to writing. I know, maybe I should sleep less,
Speaker 1: watch Last TV and sleepless of smoke less pot. I'd
Speaker 1: probably ben a lot more productive. But not always helps,
Speaker 1: always help. I'm using this as downtime. Yeah, well, as
Speaker 1: you're should. It's vacation time. But back to the matchmaking thing.
Speaker 1: If anyone is wanting to be hooked up or match maked,
Speaker 1: match made, anyone would be match maked, let us know
Speaker 1: right in for that, because we will try and facilitate that.
Speaker 1: And if you are a straight man and you are
Speaker 1: listening and you are single, we can definitely help you
Speaker 1: because the ratio of women to men listening to this
Speaker 1: is very high. Yes, and right, matchmaking in the subject line,
Speaker 1: so I know, and we'll see what we can do
Speaker 1: for you. That's a good idea. I like that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: maybe we'll have to have a matchmaker on or somebody
Speaker 1: who knows about relationships. We don't need a matchmaker. I
Speaker 1: know what to do. Isn't it a mitzvah? If you
Speaker 1: set up three couples who get married? Is it? I think? So?
Speaker 1: I just set up a couple, one couple, a gay couple.
Speaker 1: I don't know what's going to happen with them yet.
Speaker 1: Or yeah, if you're a gay couple. I mean, gay
Speaker 1: people want to be set up and they're all listening
Speaker 1: to this, So that's that's a good idea to right
Speaker 1: in for that. But also, you know, straight guys would
Speaker 1: be nice to have some in the mix, unmarried straight guys,
Speaker 1: as we learned last with your sisters. Oh yeah, unmarried. Please,
Speaker 1: everyone who participates in this must be unmarried. We'll just
Speaker 1: put it that way. Can you imagine? That's that's the
Speaker 1: next headline, Chelsea Handler hooks up married woman with married man.
Speaker 1: It's just Ashley Madison, Chelsea Madison, Chelsea, Chelsea, Christina Barcelona Chelsea.
Speaker 1: Next up, we have a new segment that we're going
Speaker 1: to be doing calling in back up with Better Help.
Speaker 1: You want to tell us a little bit more about that. Yes,
Speaker 1: So sometimes we get questions where I just don't feel
Speaker 1: it's appropriate for me to be answering. And obviously I
Speaker 1: joke about being a medical professional, but we know that
Speaker 1: I'm not. I have no certification or degree. I am
Speaker 1: just really just spouting stuff straight out of my ass.
Speaker 1: So we are doing this thing where we have Better
Speaker 1: Health Therapists, which you know, they're a sponsor of the podcast,
Speaker 1: and they do great work. It's online therapy, Better Help,
Speaker 1: it's affordable, all of it's so accessible for anybody who's
Speaker 1: having trouble or going through something. So we decided to
Speaker 1: work together in concert with them, and when we have
Speaker 1: some questions that we don't feel like I could answer appropriately,
Speaker 1: we are calling in somebody who is more skilled. And
Speaker 1: with that, David Yaddish, licensed therapist and clinical operations manager
Speaker 1: at Better Help, is going to join us in a
Speaker 1: little bit great OC says dear Chelsea. I love listening
Speaker 1: to your podcast, and I've noticed that you are a
Speaker 1: big proponent of therapy, whether it's individual or couples therapy.
Speaker 1: I come from Asia, where therapies very taboo, therapies looked
Speaker 1: at as something is very wrong with you, or it's
Speaker 1: also like how pathetic are you that you need therapy
Speaker 1: and can't solve your own problems. I've had many issues
Speaker 1: from my childhood, from my relationship with my mom, who
Speaker 1: passed away when I was twenty five years old. I'm
Speaker 1: forty three now, so my husband recommended that I do therapy.
Speaker 1: I did it for a month or two despite my
Speaker 1: cultural belief, and I was never able to be one
Speaker 1: hundred percent open with the therapist. She did listen a
Speaker 1: lot and complimented me a lot. To be honest, it
Speaker 1: made me feel great. She then concluded that I was
Speaker 1: totally fine and there was nothing wrong with me. Now
Speaker 1: to my actual question, my husband and I have been
Speaker 1: married for thirteen years, and we have a lot of differences,
Speaker 1: simply starting with cultural differences. He's American and I'm Far
Speaker 1: East Asia, so we come from two different spectrums of
Speaker 1: the world culturally and geographically. We also have very different personalities. Now,
Speaker 1: we have three amazing kids together, and we both love
Speaker 1: our kids so much that even though we have a
Speaker 1: lot of differences and sometimes feel like this marriage is
Speaker 1: not working out we want to push through for the
Speaker 1: sake of the kids. We both do agree that we
Speaker 1: should go to therapy. However, my main fear and concern
Speaker 1: is will therapy break our marriage? Do we have so
Speaker 1: many issues and differences that we ignored for so many
Speaker 1: years that we're opening a can of worms? Will therapy
Speaker 1: make us bring up every issue and in the end
Speaker 1: make us realize we're not right for each other? After all,
Speaker 1: divorce is absolutely out of the question for me. I
Speaker 1: do not want to put my kids through that. Also,
Speaker 1: I do love my husband and I believe he loves me,
Speaker 1: so I think there's a good foundation there and a
Speaker 1: desire to be together. We just never had great communication.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it feels weird to start communication after thirteen years
Speaker 1: of marriage. Please advise if couples counseling is a good
Speaker 1: or bad idea for us. So let's get our therapist,
Speaker 1: David on the line, and maybe he can speak to
Speaker 1: some of the cultural differences some of the years around
Speaker 1: going to therapy. Hi David, Hello, Hi David, how are you.
Speaker 1: I'm doing well? How are you guys? Great? Thank you well? David?
Speaker 1: What do you have to say about OC's letter? I
Speaker 1: think this is a great question and great to ask.
Speaker 1: It's never too late to start communicating in any relationship, right,
Speaker 1: But therapy could be really scary, and it's going to
Speaker 1: be different for every time in your life. Every therapist
Speaker 1: you see. And one of the things that this writer
Speaker 1: brought up in the beginning is that cultural piece. So
Speaker 1: not every therapist is going to have the same life experience,
Speaker 1: not every therapist is going to have the same anything
Speaker 1: in life, right, But like we can all relate on
Speaker 1: a very human level on things about communication, fighting, what
Speaker 1: it's like to just exist in this world together. So
Speaker 1: finding a therapist that maybe is part of the a
Speaker 1: IPI community could be really helpful and help bridge that
Speaker 1: gap to get one hundred percent comfortable in a therapy situation,
Speaker 1: because so much of the work that we do as
Speaker 1: therapists is about the relationship, right. Anybody who's been in
Speaker 1: therapy can talk about if you feel comfortable with your therapist,
Speaker 1: it's so much easier to open up, it's so much
Speaker 1: easier to get to those real, deep core things, and
Speaker 1: that's really important, especially going into like couple's counseling. There's
Speaker 1: a lot of vulnerability there, right, you have to talk
Speaker 1: about things that aren't working, the challenges that have come
Speaker 1: over the years, and they talk about being married for
Speaker 1: thirteen years. I'm sure there's a lot of stuff that
Speaker 1: could be talked about, right. What do you think, Chelsea?
Speaker 1: I think you just have to If you have a
Speaker 1: desire to want to stay in a relationship, and your
Speaker 1: partner has a desire, then you're using couple's counseling or
Speaker 1: a therapist as a bridge to get there. You're in
Speaker 1: listening somebody to help you maintain the relationship. So of
Speaker 1: course it's worth it. And if you go into therapy
Speaker 1: thinking you're going to find out all of these things,
Speaker 1: all you're going to find out is about your differences
Speaker 1: in how people prefer to be communicated with. Those are
Speaker 1: all workable things when you have a common goal. David,
Speaker 1: how important do you think it is to find a
Speaker 1: therapist who either has a background that's similar to you,
Speaker 1: you know, whatever it is, LGBTQ, or specializes in something
Speaker 1: that you're talking about. I think it's really important. Again,
Speaker 1: not every therapist is going to have those exact experiences
Speaker 1: and still can relate on a number of different levels,
Speaker 1: but it's really important to find someone who you can
Speaker 1: relate to in that way, like you said, LGBTQ or
Speaker 1: a certain religious or cultural experience, because then it takes
Speaker 1: away some of that fear, some of that anxiety, some
Speaker 1: of that misunderstanding in sessions, so it can be really
Speaker 1: valuable experience. I love that idea of like finding someone
Speaker 1: who has the same cultural background as you or specializes
Speaker 1: in whatever your stuff is. I also will say, you know,
Speaker 1: as far as the worry of it's splitting you up, Chelsea,
Speaker 1: what do you think of? That's just fear? Like that's
Speaker 1: just not being educated about therapy. The idea that therapy
Speaker 1: is going to split you up is ridiculous, Like it's
Speaker 1: the opposite is true. I mean, couples can break up
Speaker 1: when they go to therapy, but that's also a good
Speaker 1: thing because you're revealing your truths about each other or
Speaker 1: each other's truths and your own self truths. So that's
Speaker 1: unlikely when both people are interested in a solution. I
Speaker 1: know there was a time in my marriage early on
Speaker 1: where I didn't know if we were going to make it,
Speaker 1: and we went through couples counseling, and even though I
Speaker 1: specifically was at a point where I was like I
Speaker 1: don't know if this is happening. I don't know if
Speaker 1: this is working. I remember our counselor saying to us, like,
Speaker 1: I think you have something special that is worth working on.
Speaker 1: And I think for OC, she and her husband seem
Speaker 1: to both have a real willingness to try, and I
Speaker 1: think that's kind of half the battle in couples counseling. Yeah,
Speaker 1: usually as long as two people have both feet inside
Speaker 1: the house like that's great, then that's that's an effort,
Speaker 1: and that's what that speaks more than anything else that
Speaker 1: is going to happen, like when you have a kind
Speaker 1: of united front. But and it's totally normal to be
Speaker 1: with somebody for that long and to be fucking annoyed
Speaker 1: with each other. Yeah, yes, especially when you have some
Speaker 1: cultural differences that you're like, why aren't they just getting this?
Speaker 1: You know, this is how I operate. Thanks David for
Speaker 1: joining us. Thank you. Oh see, let us know how
Speaker 1: things go and report back. Yeah, oh see, you keep
Speaker 1: in touch. So we're going to be doing this segment
Speaker 1: calling in backup with better help from time to time,
Speaker 1: So feel free to write in questions with that in mind,
Speaker 1: and a big thank you to calling in backups. Sponsor
Speaker 1: Better Help, and of course to David Yaddish, licensed therapist
Speaker 1: and clinical operations manager at Better Help. Well, Chelsea, let's
Speaker 1: take a quick break and we'll be right back. Okay,
Speaker 1: And we're back. We're back, We're back. Everybody. Okay, Chelsea,
Speaker 1: let's start with a caller today. I have Brian calling in.
Speaker 1: This is dear Chelsea. I'm a twenty eight year old
Speaker 1: gay man. I'm shaken up and could really use your advice.
Speaker 1: Back in November and December, I became very content with
Speaker 1: the idea of being single for a long time or forever.
Speaker 1: But right before New Year's all that changed when I
Speaker 1: met Peter. What was to be a short tender date
Speaker 1: turned into a five hour rendezvous of endless conversation, and
Speaker 1: I even saw him again the next day. I feel
Speaker 1: like in gay culture, that's like big right. Yeah. The
Speaker 1: connection was unreal, and just a week later we were
Speaker 1: dating officially. We told each other things we've never told anyone,
Speaker 1: and we just could not stop talking to each other.
Speaker 1: I felt totally myself around him, and therefore I let
Speaker 1: my guard completely down and started falling in love. It
Speaker 1: was long distance, but we spent every weekend of January together,
Speaker 1: and during the week we'd FaceTime every day for hours.
Speaker 1: I met his friends, told my parents I was dating someone,
Speaker 1: which I've never done, and we made many travel plans
Speaker 1: to see each other through at least the summer. We
Speaker 1: were both actively applying for jobs in each other's respective
Speaker 1: cities so that we didn't have to be long distance forever.
Speaker 1: I recently drove eight hours to spend the week with him.
Speaker 1: The week was wonderful and there were no signs of issues,
Speaker 1: and the day after I made my drive back home,
Speaker 1: he started texting me a little less frequently. Then he
Speaker 1: called me that evening and said he wanted to break
Speaker 1: off the relationship. For context, he's thirty four and came
Speaker 1: out just a year ago. Shortly after he came out,
Speaker 1: he got into a six month relationship with a man
Speaker 1: which ended out of the blue. We met maybe a
Speaker 1: month and a half after that last breakup. His reasoning
Speaker 1: for ending it with me was that he needed space
Speaker 1: to be a single, openly gay man. He also cited
Speaker 1: the long distance and his demanding job. I'm just at
Speaker 1: a complete loss. We both communicated our intent that this
Speaker 1: relationship was a long term, and he just flipped the
Speaker 1: switch completely one day. Like him, I have my own burdens,
Speaker 1: but those burdens became completely eclipsed by the feelings I
Speaker 1: have for him. We ended the breakup call with the
Speaker 1: possibility of getting in touch and rekindling it some point,
Speaker 1: whatever that means. Chelsea, Please help me process what's going on. Brian. Hi, Brian,
Speaker 1: Hi there, Hi, I'm sorry, Brian. That happened, Thank you.
Speaker 1: It happened two days ago now, so it's very very
Speaker 1: recent and so okay, And how many months were you
Speaker 1: guys together? Five? Did you say? Just one month? Actually? Oh? Sorry, okay,
Speaker 1: so you were oh so one month? Okay. Well, the
Speaker 1: good news is it's going to take you a much
Speaker 1: quicker time to get over a one month dalliance. It
Speaker 1: sounds a lot like love bombing from just hearing your
Speaker 1: letter to be that intense that quickly. I was reading
Speaker 1: about love bombing once because my girlfriend was going through
Speaker 1: the same thing. And it's like somebody's explosively in love
Speaker 1: with you right just you're on your face timing all
Speaker 1: day long. You're telling you you're making future plans premature
Speaker 1: to when that's appropriate. And if you guys doing all
Speaker 1: of that with inside of one month is a big
Speaker 1: red flak. So that's an unhealthy dynamic anyway you're you know,
Speaker 1: you're supposed you can totally be into somebody that much,
Speaker 1: But starting to make plants like that and acting like that,
Speaker 1: it's just it's not stable, do you know what I mean? Like,
Speaker 1: it's not a slow burn and a slow growth where
Speaker 1: it goes like this in a regular ascent in a
Speaker 1: healthy way. So it sounds a little bit unhealthy, which
Speaker 1: is why you probably feel spun out right now. The
Speaker 1: reason for it kind of escalating that quickly was that
Speaker 1: it was long distance and we just had this strong
Speaker 1: media connection right from the get go. It had a
Speaker 1: conversation at the very beginning of the relationship ship saying
Speaker 1: this is long term and we're gonna see it through.
Speaker 1: And we committed to that throughout the month, and just
Speaker 1: the other day, out of the blue, it was like
Speaker 1: a switch and he said, no, I can't do this.
Speaker 1: I do understand what you're saying about love bombing though
Speaker 1: that it seemed like it was too quick. But and
Speaker 1: in the breakup call, I tried to almost negotiate with him, saying,
Speaker 1: why don't we just like blow it down instead of
Speaker 1: just having this clean break, given that we are so
Speaker 1: into each other and he just wasn't really seeing my
Speaker 1: perspective on that. Did you bring up Hey, what about
Speaker 1: everything you said and the commitment that we were making.
Speaker 1: I did a little bit, because that is also part
Speaker 1: of love bombing, making big commitments and then turning off
Speaker 1: immediately like a switch. You've shower someone with love, shower
Speaker 1: them with love, and then you're gone. And big promises
Speaker 1: and big stuff like that. I think that Brian, it
Speaker 1: doesn't really matter what's going on with him. It matters
Speaker 1: what's going on with you. You know, because I'm talking
Speaker 1: to you right now, and I understand how you're feeling.
Speaker 1: I've been there. We've all been there. You feel like
Speaker 1: you have the rug pulled out from underneath you. But
Speaker 1: there's a lot of advantages to the situation that I
Speaker 1: don't think you can see yet. Ay, it was this
Speaker 1: very short amount of time. You will get past this
Speaker 1: sooner than later. I know it doesn't feel like that
Speaker 1: in this moment, but after a couple of weeks, your
Speaker 1: feelings will subside. I promise you that your feelings will subside.
Speaker 1: You're still going to be hurt, because it's hurt full.
Speaker 1: It's not leaving it open emptied. I mean, I guess
Speaker 1: you're kind of leaving it open ended, but that was
Speaker 1: at your behalf, not his. So I think that look
Speaker 1: at his behavior for what it is and what it was.
Speaker 1: You made that commitment to him, barely knowing him, getting
Speaker 1: to know him long distance, and you meant it, and
Speaker 1: he made that commitment and he didn't mean it right.
Speaker 1: So I think that character assessment is really integral into
Speaker 1: your healing and understanding. You don't want to be with
Speaker 1: someone who says things like that and then turns around
Speaker 1: and freaks out. Now listen if he comes back to
Speaker 1: you in a couple of weeks or a couple of
Speaker 1: months and says, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I
Speaker 1: want to do this again. Like you need to set
Speaker 1: some boundaries and ground rules. That's not cool what you did.
Speaker 1: I was in it with you, We made a commitment.
Speaker 1: I thought we were working in a unified front together,
Speaker 1: and then you pulled the rug out from under me.
Speaker 1: I don't think you've done anything wrong. I think you're
Speaker 1: just going to need some time to get around it.
Speaker 1: But I don't think you should have any contact with him.
Speaker 1: I don't think you should reach out to him. I
Speaker 1: think you should give him. I think when somebody asked
Speaker 1: for space, you should give them double. Okay. Unfortunately, yesterday
Speaker 1: I wrote him a letter. Okay, it's very cathartic for
Speaker 1: me give him that. It was a quick thirty minute
Speaker 1: phone call with a lot of awkward pauses. I was
Speaker 1: just totally in shock. So instead, I wrote him a
Speaker 1: letter like twelve hours later, and I nailed it to him,
Speaker 1: explaining like how I was so hurt given the circumstances,
Speaker 1: and as far as moving forward, I only want to
Speaker 1: hear from him if he's in the space that he
Speaker 1: wants to reach out to me. Okay. So I left
Speaker 1: the possibility open. And I've spoken to some of my
Speaker 1: friends about this, given them the context, and they keep
Speaker 1: saying they expect him to come back at some point,
Speaker 1: and I'm wondering if that's your take on it too.
Speaker 1: You kind of alluded to that. I mean, I don't know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: there's a possibility, and I think that sometimes helps people
Speaker 1: get over their healing, the idea that someone's going to
Speaker 1: come back. And that's fine, whatever you need to do
Speaker 1: to move on. The important thing is like, yeah you can,
Speaker 1: you can assume that I don't know if he's going
Speaker 1: to come back. I have no idea who this guy is,
Speaker 1: obviously so and I'm not a palm reader, but I
Speaker 1: think it's it's an opportunity for you to kind of
Speaker 1: restabilize now that he's out of the picture. If he
Speaker 1: does come back, I want you to be have a
Speaker 1: stronger sense of self and of boundaries and what's healthy
Speaker 1: and what is it if and when that does happen,
Speaker 1: and if it's not him, for the next person. It's
Speaker 1: not healthy to get that crazy and that together in
Speaker 1: a month. It's understandable that you have an attraction, but
Speaker 1: long distance. I've had long distance relationships, I've dated long distance.
Speaker 1: It's not necessary to get like that, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. That's a build because if you start in
Speaker 1: one month and you guys are on the phone however
Speaker 1: many hours a day, you're face timing all that stuff,
Speaker 1: that's never gonna last, and you have nowhere to go
Speaker 1: from the first month, you have nowhere to climb. You know,
Speaker 1: you want like a healthy long term relationship, right, is
Speaker 1: that what you're after ultimately? Yes? Yeah, So I think
Speaker 1: this is a lesson for you to just consider all
Speaker 1: of those things and think about how you want to
Speaker 1: move forward in the next relationship or if this guy
Speaker 1: does return. Yeah, I think there's a little bit of
Speaker 1: guarding your heart that should happen if you do hear
Speaker 1: from him again. And I also think, you know, having
Speaker 1: written him the letter, jives with what Chelsea was saying.
Speaker 1: You said, the door is open if you want to
Speaker 1: contact me, but I'm not gonna chase you. I also
Speaker 1: think when you're long distance, especially from the beginning, there's
Speaker 1: an opportunity for you to live in the fantasy of
Speaker 1: this is going to be so amazing, it's going to
Speaker 1: be great, all the amazing things. We're so in love,
Speaker 1: but you're not dealing with the day to day of
Speaker 1: like being around each other, of like the everyday annoyances
Speaker 1: of you know, you came home pissed because you had
Speaker 1: a bad day of work and he's got to deal
Speaker 1: with you. You know, all of that stuff is not present,
Speaker 1: and so it's very easy to only experience like the
Speaker 1: exciting part of it. Who knows if he's going to
Speaker 1: come back, but if he does, I think you got
Speaker 1: to guard your heart a little bit. Right, I'm in shock,
Speaker 1: given that I have a tendency to not be vulnerable
Speaker 1: and put up balls, and I've made a conscious effort
Speaker 1: to being in this relationship to not do that. I'll
Speaker 1: let everything go and was like totally myself around him,
Speaker 1: and that's why it hurts so bad. Yeah, I know,
Speaker 1: I can tell you're hurting obviously, and I just want
Speaker 1: you to remember this is a month of your life
Speaker 1: and it seems like the biggest month of your life
Speaker 1: right now. Once you get a little bit of distance
Speaker 1: from this, it's not going to be so big in
Speaker 1: your mind. It just won't be. And I know if
Speaker 1: you want to hold onto the idea that he's coming back,
Speaker 1: that's fine too. That sometimes helps people. I've done that
Speaker 1: in the past, and to get over somebody, you know,
Speaker 1: like they'll be back, they'll be back, and by the way,
Speaker 1: they always are. I mean for women. You know, I
Speaker 1: can't speak for gay man because it's a little bit different,
Speaker 1: but you know, I just really want you to look
Speaker 1: inward and focus on yourself and you're healing and positive
Speaker 1: vibrations for you, you know, instead of obsessing about what
Speaker 1: he's doing, which is sometimes you know, unavoidable. I know
Speaker 1: how the brain works, and you're going to be obsessing
Speaker 1: over him because you care so much about him and
Speaker 1: you are so hurt. I just think, you know, hold
Speaker 1: your head high. You sent him that letter and act
Speaker 1: with integrity, and now you can step away from him.
Speaker 1: And if and when he comes back, then it's going
Speaker 1: to be a different story. If it's like a few
Speaker 1: days and he's like, I fucked up, then that obviously,
Speaker 1: then okay, you're on the same page. But if it's
Speaker 1: a couple of months that he comes back and says like, Okay,
Speaker 1: now I want to come back and be like, well,
Speaker 1: not so fast. We have to have some ground rules now.
Speaker 1: But I want you to think about how you can
Speaker 1: be stronger and better and more grounded in every relationship
Speaker 1: moving forward, and focus on that skill set while you're
Speaker 1: going through this time. I think when you try to
Speaker 1: look at yourself and you try to better yourself and
Speaker 1: maybe read a book about breaking up, do you read
Speaker 1: books a little bit? Yeah? Okay. I just wanted you
Speaker 1: to keep yourself busy and just try and get through
Speaker 1: the initial blunt force of the trauma of breaking up
Speaker 1: with somebody after a month, you know, And I think
Speaker 1: once you get past like two weeks, you're going to
Speaker 1: feel a lot differently than you do feel now. You
Speaker 1: might still have the same feelings, but they won't it
Speaker 1: won't be such a dagger in your chest. Yeah. One
Speaker 1: thing that I keep I'm thinking about now. I keep
Speaker 1: trying to theorize, like, what was going in his mind
Speaker 1: this entire month and at the moment a breakup. Is
Speaker 1: it just simply he got cold feet? Or is it
Speaker 1: that the entire month he was being superficial and fake.
Speaker 1: I keep going back to that, but I hear what
Speaker 1: you're saying about I need to stop belaboring that point
Speaker 1: and just move forward with my life. Yeah, and you
Speaker 1: can try. And you know, I think a good exercise
Speaker 1: is sending him love in your own mind. I want
Speaker 1: to send him peace, happiness, and love anytime he comes
Speaker 1: into your mind, to just give out love. You may
Speaker 1: not get these answers. And to be quite frank with you,
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter what his m is, what he was doing.
Speaker 1: It matters what you're doing. It doesn't matter if he
Speaker 1: was manipulating you or if he really felt it and
Speaker 1: he got cold feet. I know it matters to you
Speaker 1: psychologically right now, but ultimately, in the bigger scheme of things,
Speaker 1: his behavior doesn't matter yours does. That's how I ended
Speaker 1: the letter I sent him, saying like, I want you
Speaker 1: to be happy, and I'm glad to have been on
Speaker 1: that journey with you, even if it was just for
Speaker 1: the short moment. That's good. I tried to like push
Speaker 1: that forward. Yeah, great, keep riding that train. That's that's
Speaker 1: exactly what you need to do to heal. Yeah, you
Speaker 1: know there's also in your letter. You guys got close
Speaker 1: enough that he opened up to you about other relationships
Speaker 1: that have ended really abruptly, and I'm glad you included
Speaker 1: that in your letter, so that this that may just
Speaker 1: be kind of how he operates, and it's kind of
Speaker 1: a good thing that you guys weren't together for six
Speaker 1: months or a year or engaged before he suddenly was
Speaker 1: out of your life. Yeah, I agree with that. Be
Speaker 1: grateful that it was a month this happened and not
Speaker 1: six months, because that would have been really, really, even
Speaker 1: more painful than what you're going through right now. I
Speaker 1: know that's unimaginable to you, but I promise you it
Speaker 1: would have been worse if it had. You know, sometimes
Speaker 1: in our lives, and I know I've felt this way
Speaker 1: sometimes when we can't recognize the situation we're in. There's
Speaker 1: a bigger higher power that's pulling us out of it,
Speaker 1: And I think it's helpful to sometimes look at things
Speaker 1: like that. Not everything is in your control, and sometimes
Speaker 1: you're someone's doing you a favor and you don't even
Speaker 1: know it's a favor until much later, right. I think
Speaker 1: another point similar to that is in the beginning of
Speaker 1: my letter to you, I had mentioned I had been
Speaker 1: content with the idea of being single for a very
Speaker 1: long time, and then this happened. So this kind of
Speaker 1: changes my perspective of relationships, knowing that I do have
Speaker 1: the ability to love another person business it may not
Speaker 1: be this person, but it can happen in the future. Yes, yes, absolutely,
Speaker 1: You're not a victim. This is a good empowering situation,
Speaker 1: and I beg you to use it, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, Use it to make you stronger, to make
Speaker 1: you more aware, and to be the person that is
Speaker 1: going to attract the person that you're looking for. And
Speaker 1: in order to be that person, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: sometimes we have to do a little bit of extra
Speaker 1: work and there are lessons along the way, and then
Speaker 1: all of a sudden you're at this like higher level
Speaker 1: of vibration, and you're attracting somebody who's really on the
Speaker 1: level and can see you exactly for what you are,
Speaker 1: and then you join forces and it's explosive. Yeah, don't
Speaker 1: neglect the slow burn. I mean, when I first started
Speaker 1: dating my husband, I had gotten out of a relationship
Speaker 1: that was a very like tons of love bombing. It
Speaker 1: wound up becoming very abusive. It was eleven months of
Speaker 1: bad stuff and I, you know, single for a little while.
Speaker 1: I met Brad, and compared to what I had come from,
Speaker 1: this was just sort of like a very nice guy
Speaker 1: who pursued me and wanted to treat me right. And
Speaker 1: there's something about it if you've gone through a relationship
Speaker 1: where there is a lot of love bombing, that a
Speaker 1: more healthy, stable relationship can seem almost boring or a
Speaker 1: lot less exciting because you don't have these extreme high
Speaker 1: highs and extreme low lows. But that stability is also
Speaker 1: what a healthy relationship is built on. So don't neglect
Speaker 1: the guys that might seem a little less exciting at
Speaker 1: the very beginning. So we just take that the right way, Brad,
Speaker 1: But you know, it can be good for longer. Term.
Speaker 1: You have to get to know somebody. When there's electricity,
Speaker 1: that's great, but that's not all it takes to be
Speaker 1: in a relationship. That's just chemistry, you know, and that's
Speaker 1: when you spark with someone. And sometimes you know, you
Speaker 1: can get carried away and it sounds like you got
Speaker 1: carried away. You don't really know him. You don't know
Speaker 1: his character, you don't know his background. You just know
Speaker 1: what he's told you. You know, you haven't spend enough
Speaker 1: time with him, with his family, with his friends, all
Speaker 1: of those things matter, and vice versa. He has to
Speaker 1: spend time with you. It's fun and it's great, but
Speaker 1: it's not healthy. How old are you, Brian, I'm thirty.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, well listen, you're gonna have plenty of people.
Speaker 1: You're gonna have plenty of time to get your heartbroken
Speaker 1: again and break other people's hearts. So, you know, when
Speaker 1: you get stuck admired in it, just try and pull
Speaker 1: yourself out and get that perspective of your entire life,
Speaker 1: not just this moment, and look at your whole life
Speaker 1: and your past and your future, and then you're going
Speaker 1: to understand that a month is nothing. I really appreciate
Speaker 1: place outsider perspectives. Since I've been getting the comments from
Speaker 1: my friends, it's all they're trying to support me and saying, oh,
Speaker 1: he's going to come back. It's kind of like my
Speaker 1: opic type of thinking versus year giving you a more
Speaker 1: holistic picture, which I really appreciate. Yeah, I think that's important. Well,
Speaker 1: will you check back in with us in a few weeks, Brian,
Speaker 1: I will, all right, let us know how it's going. Okay,
Speaker 1: I will thank you so much. Thanks, thanks Brian, talking
Speaker 1: to you, bye bye bye. Oh what a sweetie. Oh heartbreak.
Speaker 1: I know, you know. I remember meeting this fucking guy
Speaker 1: on my Space. Remember my Space? And I went out
Speaker 1: with him. Oh god, I forget how many times, but enough,
Speaker 1: you know, for a couple of months, maybe a month
Speaker 1: and a half, but intense. We were into each other.
Speaker 1: Not to the degree that this guy's talking about, because
Speaker 1: I would never FaceTime that long. But I don't even
Speaker 1: know about FaceTime that at that point. I don't know
Speaker 1: if we had it because my Space. I don't even
Speaker 1: think we had iPhones. Zach the Yeah, I think we
Speaker 1: had the Internet. And he blew me off. He goes
Speaker 1: to me, I was like in my twenties, and I
Speaker 1: was obsessed with finding out what happened. Ghosting is the worst.
Speaker 1: Obsessed with finding out what happened? What Is it because
Speaker 1: of something I did? Is it because something I said?
Speaker 1: Did I do that? Did I get too drunk? Did
Speaker 1: I whatever? Just obsessed there had to be a reason.
Speaker 1: And it's like sometimes there just isn't a fucking reason.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter, It doesn't matter at all. It just
Speaker 1: matters how you kind of react to those situations, and
Speaker 1: when you let them envelop you and take over your mind,
Speaker 1: it just has such a negative impact on everything else
Speaker 1: that's going on in your life at that moment. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it definitely does. I think he's going to be just fine.
Speaker 1: And I'm glad that he sort of learned how to
Speaker 1: be vulnerable in this situation and if he can rain
Speaker 1: that into a healthy degree in his next interaction, I
Speaker 1: think that's perfect. That's exactly he's But he met the
Speaker 1: person who wanted to take advantage maybe of that vulnerability,
Speaker 1: Like right at the moment he decided to like give
Speaker 1: it all away, and you got to give it out
Speaker 1: an increments, you know, people have to earn it. I
Speaker 1: like the phrase welcome the pain you know. I like that.
Speaker 1: I read that in some book and it ran deep
Speaker 1: with me because I just it's a great way to
Speaker 1: look at a hard situation, because I feel like, you know,
Speaker 1: we all go through difficult breakups and we all get
Speaker 1: our hearts broken and we all heal. Yeah, so you're
Speaker 1: not some you know people think it's it's never gonna
Speaker 1: be okay again. It's gonna be okay again. You're everyone
Speaker 1: just survives this. There's not a lot of people who
Speaker 1: haven't been in love or haven't had their heartbroken. It
Speaker 1: happens a lot, and I think welcoming the pain is
Speaker 1: a great idea to think about. Welcome it. The sooner
Speaker 1: you go through it, the sooner it is out of you,
Speaker 1: and the sooner the next adventure is right around the corner. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so welcome it, bring it in, let it run through you,
Speaker 1: and then you're going to be moving on. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: you said something like this when we were talking to
Speaker 1: him as well. But one of my girlfriend says, rejection
Speaker 1: is protection, and that's exactly what the situation feels like
Speaker 1: to me. Yeah, yeah, I agree with that. Well, should
Speaker 1: we take another caller? Yeah? Hey, yeah, yeah, I like
Speaker 1: our one on one episodes. No, they're kind of fun. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we can really get down to business. Yes, exactly, get
Speaker 1: granuelow with people. This call is from Maggie. She says,
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, in the spring of twenty sixteen, I had
Speaker 1: to end a toxic friendship with someone I had considered
Speaker 1: a best friend and full mate of six years. Let's
Speaker 1: call her Amanda. Amanda had been exhibiting problematic, manipulative, and
Speaker 1: abusive behavior towards me and others that I had been
Speaker 1: clocking for a while and could no longer handle or
Speaker 1: tolerate in my life. Ultimately, I've not regretted this decision,
Speaker 1: except for genuinely missing her and the best of times
Speaker 1: we had in the past. But I've completely moved on
Speaker 1: and I'm so happy in the friendships I have kept
Speaker 1: and cultivated before and since then, things have been relatively
Speaker 1: easy to navigate, minus one mild run in at an event,
Speaker 1: especially since I have the positive mindset about my decision
Speaker 1: and hold no hard feelings towards Amanda. I genuinely wish
Speaker 1: her the best. Until now, our mutual best friend is
Speaker 1: getting married and we will be attending the same bridal
Speaker 1: party events together. Now, I don't know how it can
Speaker 1: be more clear to everyone that it's all good. We chill,
Speaker 1: at least on my end, But the bride to be
Speaker 1: has asked me if things will be awkward and uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: Of course not, is my answer, but I can see
Speaker 1: it's weighing on her. I can't help but think that
Speaker 1: Amanda has mentioned something or given the pression to the
Speaker 1: bride that things could be uncomfortable. The bride has always
Speaker 1: been very conscious of not mentioning us to the other,
Speaker 1: which I have told her a few times is not
Speaker 1: necessary because I'm freakin good. To ease the bride's nerves,
Speaker 1: I have offered to reach out to Amanda and say
Speaker 1: hello and gently let her know everything is good on
Speaker 1: my end, and I look forward to enjoying the events
Speaker 1: leading up to the wedding together in an amicable fashion. However,
Speaker 1: I'm finding the words to be really difficult to get
Speaker 1: down in a draft. Amanda is an incredibly sensitive and
Speaker 1: intelligent person whose ability to pick apart a well meaning
Speaker 1: message and its unsaid quote potential demeaning nature is astounding.
Speaker 1: Her superpower is to take offense to anyone who even
Speaker 1: breathes wrong around her, and that's what worries me if
Speaker 1: I don't choose my words ever so carefully. Instead of
Speaker 1: diffusing and creating a positive environment for the bride, things
Speaker 1: will be awkward and tense because she's incapable of letting
Speaker 1: go and letting these special days be about someone else.
Speaker 1: Please help Maggie. Hi, Maggie, Hi, Chelsea, Hi, good, This
Speaker 1: is Catherine. Who you know? How are you? Yeah? I
Speaker 1: got good? Thank you? How about yourself? We're good? We're good. Okay,
Speaker 1: so this is a good situation. Well, let's write this
Speaker 1: letter together. First of all, my question is what is
Speaker 1: her relationship with the bride these days? Is the bride
Speaker 1: aware of her toxicity? I don't think that she's aware.
Speaker 1: They're still fairly close friends. The bride and I think
Speaker 1: spend more time together and we're a little bit closer.
Speaker 1: But the bride she's just the sweetest person, and so
Speaker 1: I think she is tolerant of a little bit more
Speaker 1: kind of toxic behavior that this girl has showed. Yea,
Speaker 1: and I was kind of snapped out of it a
Speaker 1: few years ago, but they're still close. Okay, So when
Speaker 1: did your relationship end with this woman? Twenty sixteen? Oh,
Speaker 1: so it's been a while. It's been a really long time,
Speaker 1: so I'm very good where I'm at. There's been one
Speaker 1: or two times where the ex friend has either tried
Speaker 1: to reach out to me through the bride or another
Speaker 1: mutual friend, maybe trying to rekindle things. But I've kind
Speaker 1: of said, you know, enough time has passed, and I like,
Speaker 1: I'm all good. Okay, I you sound good. Listen everything
Speaker 1: you wrote in that letter, you sound totally healthy and
Speaker 1: with it. So let's just phrase how you're going to
Speaker 1: put this right. I think you just make it all
Speaker 1: about your friends that's getting married. Yeah, this is about her.
Speaker 1: I want the focus to be on her. I have
Speaker 1: no ill will towards you, and I'm looking forward to
Speaker 1: spending this time with you. I think we're all going
Speaker 1: to have a great time. Yeah right. I think short
Speaker 1: and sweet is the best way so that she can't
Speaker 1: go in and part your language. Yes, short and sweet,
Speaker 1: keep it positive, keep it about the bride. Okay, great,
Speaker 1: So what are you gonna what are you thinking about writing? Hey?
Speaker 1: I hope you're doing well. I'm so happy for our friends. Yes,
Speaker 1: we know that moving forward we will be seeing some
Speaker 1: of each other and just want to reach out and
Speaker 1: say looking forward to having a really great time and
Speaker 1: making it just about the bride, you know, and we
Speaker 1: can enjoy ourselves too. Yeah, yeah, I think everything you
Speaker 1: said is perfect. But don't say making it just about
Speaker 1: the bride, because that implies that there's tension. So I
Speaker 1: think you should say I can't wait to celebrate her
Speaker 1: with you, and I think we're all good and I'm
Speaker 1: looking forward to having a great weekend and I just
Speaker 1: wanted to touch base so that you know that I'm
Speaker 1: coming with a heart full of love something like that,
Speaker 1: you know, at the end like that. Yeah, I think
Speaker 1: Chelsea is right too, you know, especially because this friend
Speaker 1: has reached out and made an attempt at rekindling a relationship.
Speaker 1: You don't have to do that, but I think Chelsea's
Speaker 1: right to be like, you know what, let's go and
Speaker 1: have a great time. It doesn't mean you have to
Speaker 1: become best friends with her again, being like, hey, we're
Speaker 1: going to have a good time together at this event.
Speaker 1: You know you're going to be at together. I think
Speaker 1: it's safe, right, So not delving too much into the
Speaker 1: past or focusing on just keep it. That's twenty sixteen,
Speaker 1: you're talking about like seven years, you know, what I mean,
Speaker 1: don't even bring it up. Just move forward because who knows. Listen,
Speaker 1: she might be different too. You don't know if she's
Speaker 1: been to therapy and it has some self awareness now,
Speaker 1: or if she's changed. So you don't assume that she's
Speaker 1: the same person she was. Absolutely, even if it comes
Speaker 1: up at the wedding, which it shouldn't, you should be like, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: this is about This is about the woman that's getting married.
Speaker 1: This is your tribute to her. You're writing this letter
Speaker 1: because of her. You're going to have a great time
Speaker 1: and not focus on the past because of her. Just
Speaker 1: be in the moment that you're in, you know, and
Speaker 1: just spread positivity in that letter. Make it short and sweet,
Speaker 1: no longer than five sentences. Do you still have her
Speaker 1: phone number? Or do you follow her on social media?
Speaker 1: I would have to reach out on social media. I
Speaker 1: think back, however, many years ago, it was I probably
Speaker 1: did block her number, probably on you know, whatever social
Speaker 1: media we were using at the time. But I think
Speaker 1: I would still be able to reach out as like
Speaker 1: a DM or something. Okay, Okay, I mean, I honestly
Speaker 1: would say, like a DM or a text feels less
Speaker 1: formal than an email or something like that. So maybe
Speaker 1: because you're keeping it short and sweet, that might feel
Speaker 1: like a less pressure just to be like, hey girl,
Speaker 1: looking forward to celebrating our friend with you, excited to
Speaker 1: part whatever. But I love Chelsea what you said about
Speaker 1: like coming with a heartful of it's going to be exciting. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're gonna be just fine. You're in a good place.
Speaker 1: You're a good person. And this woman, I bet has
Speaker 1: changed a little bit. I don't think she's gonna want
Speaker 1: the drama, you know, I mean a lot of time
Speaker 1: has passed, Yes, and if she does, you know what,
Speaker 1: you have to know that you did the right thing
Speaker 1: and you can't control her behavior. So if she does
Speaker 1: snipe about it to someone else, okay, then she's going
Speaker 1: to do that. Yeah, just take a higher path and
Speaker 1: then that way, there's like you haven't done any you
Speaker 1: haven't been bad mouthing her. You're not going to that's
Speaker 1: not your game. And you're just there to celebrate your
Speaker 1: girlfriend and her special day. Yeah, yes, okay, great, Well,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. Oh, thank you, it's nice to
Speaker 1: talk to you. Good luck you too. Thanks. Let us
Speaker 1: know how it goes. Oh well, yeah, thank you both. Bye.
Speaker 1: Maggie Bye. Well. Our last caller is Farren. Farren says
Speaker 1: dear Chelsea. So years the hot Goss. I met a
Speaker 1: guy on Hinge back in September. We had a lot
Speaker 1: in common and it was lovely, but I wasn't feeling
Speaker 1: it at the time. I told him I was not
Speaker 1: interested in him romantically, and we decided to remain friends.
Speaker 1: We attempted to make plans a couple of times, but
Speaker 1: never ended up hanging out. A while later, I realized
Speaker 1: I had been closing myself off to potential romantic situations
Speaker 1: as a defense mechanism. Subconsciously, I was rejecting myself first
Speaker 1: and taking myself out of the situation before any man
Speaker 1: could reject me. Thanks childhood conditioning. Anyway, I see things
Speaker 1: through a different, more open hearted lens. Now in December
Speaker 1: he reached back out. This is like two months after
Speaker 1: they had originally gone out. With this new and open mind,
Speaker 1: I decided to meet him for coffee a few weeks ago.
Speaker 1: I had such a fun time with him. He's easy
Speaker 1: to talk to where both spiritual sit with plant medicine
Speaker 1: really into evolving, and it's really meaningful to have someone
Speaker 1: to relate to those things about. We ended up talking
Speaker 1: on the phone for over an hour after the coffee hang.
Speaker 1: The problem is, now I'm sure he sees me as
Speaker 1: just friendship vibes because I previously told him I wasn't interested.
Speaker 1: Now I'm feeling interested and having the option of this
Speaker 1: getting romantic down the line, and definitely want to make
Speaker 1: out with him. However, even though I do find him attractive,
Speaker 1: I'm not entirely certain if I'm fully physically attracted to
Speaker 1: him or not. If that makes sense, The question is
Speaker 1: do I say something to him about how I'm feeling
Speaker 1: even though I don't know if I'm one hundred percent
Speaker 1: into it or not, or just go about being friends
Speaker 1: and leave it alone. Who knows what may happen organically.
Speaker 1: I love you all. This podcast is the fucking best, Chelsea.
Speaker 1: Your new Netflix special is Bunker's hilarious. Farren, Hi, Farren, Hi,
Speaker 1: Farren Hi, thanks for having me. How are you? I'm good?
Speaker 1: How are you guys? We're good? Girl. I think you
Speaker 1: should go for it and just ask him like, this
Speaker 1: is a little life situation that could turn into something great,
Speaker 1: or it could just be a blip. You're not trying
Speaker 1: to pursue a friendship right with him. I would so
Speaker 1: previous I would pursue men or text or try to
Speaker 1: make plans, but it was coming from a very like
Speaker 1: scarcity mindset anxiety place. And now I am really looking
Speaker 1: to be pursued, and I would continue to be friends
Speaker 1: with him because it's nice to be able to have
Speaker 1: these kind of deep conversations with someone and be able
Speaker 1: to integrate with somebody who's on a spiritual path as well.
Speaker 1: I would risk it too, but I don't want to
Speaker 1: be in a position where I'm doing that again, kind
Speaker 1: of pursuing, because that's not the look I want. I
Speaker 1: don't think you are, though, I don't think you are.
Speaker 1: You're judging yourself on your past behavior, not on your
Speaker 1: present behavior. You don't have to be desperate about it.
Speaker 1: You have to just be upfront, like hey, I actually
Speaker 1: kind of had like a little spark, or when you
Speaker 1: go out again and you know, have a drink and
Speaker 1: then see if that changes things, and you can say
Speaker 1: it in person, just like, hey, I'm feeling something. I
Speaker 1: don't know if this is anything, but what about what
Speaker 1: do you think? That's not desperate, that's just being direct.
Speaker 1: So sure you know the distinction between the two because
Speaker 1: your old behavior isn't relevant to this situation. We get
Speaker 1: caught up in our past behavior instead of saying I'm
Speaker 1: not like that anymore. Yeah. I also think there are
Speaker 1: extraordinarily few straight guys who, especially after they've expressed interest
Speaker 1: in a girl, are willing to hang out just as
Speaker 1: friends if they're not eventually trying to sleep with her. Like,
Speaker 1: I am sure he's still interested. Yeah, I am too.
Speaker 1: I would be shocked if he's not. And if he wasn't,
Speaker 1: he wouldn't be going to coffee, you know, he just wouldn't.
Speaker 1: He'd be like cool, Like just friends usually means like
Speaker 1: call'll never see you again, especially with online dating. So
Speaker 1: I don't think you have to worry about like, oh
Speaker 1: now he sees me as just a friend. Now, flirt hard,
Speaker 1: tell him you're into him. See what happens? How do
Speaker 1: you flirt hard? Touching on the hand, touching on the arm,
Speaker 1: basically what I do with Chelsea when we're in person.
Speaker 1: I just touch her. I mean, yeah, just go. That
Speaker 1: was such a fun conversation. I really dug it, you know,
Speaker 1: or whatever your language is, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: How just go? That was really fun. I was kind
Speaker 1: of surprised by how I felt when I left there.
Speaker 1: I don't know. Are you interested even if he says no,
Speaker 1: what she's not going to If he says no, who cares? Great, Okay,
Speaker 1: check that, and then you can be friends with him
Speaker 1: if that's fine with you. But it's not a big deal.
Speaker 1: It's a good exercise as a woman to demonstrate directness
Speaker 1: and in a gentle, you know, kind of sexy way.
Speaker 1: You can be flirty about it, and then that's your
Speaker 1: new thing. Say he says no, then it's like, okay, great,
Speaker 1: well we can still be friends, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: And then you can if you want, and if not,
Speaker 1: something might happen with you, guys. And the other option
Speaker 1: is that you know you will like him and that
Speaker 1: you are attracted to him. It's totally normal to gain
Speaker 1: attraction to somebody talking to them more, you know, and
Speaker 1: having a real deep, meaningful conversation. Yeah. Yeah, And I
Speaker 1: know you had mentioned that he is out of town,
Speaker 1: so you hadn't heard from him. But it's also liked vibe,
Speaker 1: So why would he like make the next move be
Speaker 1: the next one to be like, hey, let's go out again,
Speaker 1: maybe let's grab a cocktail that will make it a
Speaker 1: easier to flirt as well. We both don't drink. Oh well,
Speaker 1: then don't grab a car. I knew you were going
Speaker 1: to say that. I knew it when I said drink
Speaker 1: the first time. I could sell by your face that
Speaker 1: you don't drink. But that's okay. You don't need to drink.
Speaker 1: Go do whatever you do. What do you does? Go
Speaker 1: to coffee, yoga? What are you into? Yeah? I mean
Speaker 1: I was trying to think of like a night setting
Speaker 1: where it could be a little bit more of a vibe,
Speaker 1: but not a bar. We'll go listen to some live
Speaker 1: music or something, or even if you go for a
Speaker 1: walk with somebody for a long time. I think once
Speaker 1: you have a substantial conversation with somebody, there's that is
Speaker 1: the definition of chemistry, right, And whether it's romantic or friendship,
Speaker 1: you already have the chemistry there between each other if
Speaker 1: you guys sat and talked for that long and then
Speaker 1: called each other afterward. Yeah, you can also like wait
Speaker 1: a time or two if you're not quite ready to
Speaker 1: be like, hey, I'm super into wait a time or two,
Speaker 1: see if the vibe sticks and take it from there.
Speaker 1: But I mean, if you're feeling something, pursue it. You know,
Speaker 1: I agree with Chelsea, like attraction grows. Yeah, don't put
Speaker 1: so much weight on this situation. This is one guy
Speaker 1: in a sea of and this is one moment in
Speaker 1: your life. This is not the end all be all,
Speaker 1: So don't think about as such an important thing. It's not.
Speaker 1: And if it's supposed to be something and it grows
Speaker 1: into something, then you're going to be really happy that
Speaker 1: you did that. Thank you for the clarity. That was awesome.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, okay, great, good luck and let us know
Speaker 1: what happens. Thanks so much, thank you. Okay, bye, Farren,
Speaker 1: happy dating. Bye, She's so cute. I know, I wish
Speaker 1: everyone just go for it. Everyone needs to just go
Speaker 1: for things. Take a chance, take a risk. It doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: So if somebody rejects you, who gives a shit, It's
Speaker 1: like onto the next YEP. I when I was in
Speaker 1: my early twenties or my late teens, I guess I
Speaker 1: went through up here and where I just like, I'll like,
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna ask out every guy that I find
Speaker 1: is cute. Half of them turned out to be gay,
Speaker 1: which was like even better because then I made a
Speaker 1: bunch of friends. But I was just like, I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna ask people out to coffee. And it was just
Speaker 1: so much fun just to be like, hey, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: take control of this. It was great. Yeah. Great. Well,
Speaker 1: let's take a quick break, Chelsea, and we'll come back
Speaker 1: to wrap up. Okay, and we're back back, and actually,
Speaker 1: I do have one other quick question. Yeah, let's do
Speaker 1: a quick question. Okay, I will give you a choice
Speaker 1: because I don't know if this one's a little too igy.
Speaker 1: But there is one about skid marks. And there is
Speaker 1: also another one about should I tell the wife if
Speaker 1: someone said something lude to me skid marks? Questions about
Speaker 1: skid marks? Yeah, but what's the question? So her boyfriend
Speaker 1: is leaving skid marks everywhere? Oh god, no, do the
Speaker 1: other one. I can't. That's the kind of what I figured.
Speaker 1: I was like, it's pretty gross. Oh gross. She's wondering
Speaker 1: if it's a deal breaker. I'm like, it's yeah, sort of, yeah,
Speaker 1: kind of okay, leaving them everywhere where in the kitchen,
Speaker 1: like where's the leaving? Don't just read it all right,
Speaker 1: but let's do the other one to close it out,
Speaker 1: because this is so gross. Okay, so Poppy says My
Speaker 1: boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship
Speaker 1: for the last three years. Thank god. We're both in
Speaker 1: our early timid thirties and are planning our future together.
Speaker 1: He's my best friend, true partner, and biggest supporter. I
Speaker 1: can talk to him about anything and can be one
Speaker 1: hundred percent myself around him. But I need help navigating
Speaker 1: a delicate situation. My boyfriend constantly leaves poops kid marks
Speaker 1: around the house. I understand if this happens after anal play,
Speaker 1: but that's not around the house. What does that mean?
Speaker 1: Goes into it. It's worse than you think. No. I
Speaker 1: the first time it happened, it was over a year ago.
Speaker 1: I noticed a smell and saw marks on the sheets
Speaker 1: out of the corner of my eye. I didn't know
Speaker 1: what it was at first and asked, what's that. When
Speaker 1: he saw what it was, he got super embarrassed and
Speaker 1: apologized profusely. I, of course was understanding. It didn't draw
Speaker 1: extra attention or make the situation worse. I simply changed
Speaker 1: the sheets while he was in the bathroom cleaning himself up.
Speaker 1: The same thing happened during his next visit, but this
Speaker 1: time it got on my expensive duvet. I was grossed
Speaker 1: out and ended up buying a new one. Another time,
Speaker 1: he got a mark on my new couch one week
Speaker 1: after purchasing it. There are sitting naked on the couch.
Speaker 1: That's what I can't get past. I'm like, he's got
Speaker 1: to put on some underwear. First of all, he needs
Speaker 1: to put on two pairs of underwear. There are now
Speaker 1: countless examples of this happening, and I can't take it anymore.
Speaker 1: The situation has started to impact our sex life. Anytime
Speaker 1: his crotches near my face during BJ sixty ninety sexy
Speaker 1: dancing during four play, I am thinking about his poop
Speaker 1: and get turned off. Okay, Chelsea, it is so so disturbing.
Speaker 1: He has something's wrong. He has to go. First of all,
Speaker 1: I learned this. There are two sphincter holes. Okay, so
Speaker 1: I've learned this on a gay video about anal sex.
Speaker 1: There's some sort of medical condition for what's happening to him.
Speaker 1: He shouldn't be leaving skid marks everywhere he goes. You
Speaker 1: have to have it honest conversation with him and nip
Speaker 1: it in the butt. This is so gross and no
Speaker 1: one needs to deal with skid marks other than the
Speaker 1: person who's leaving them, you know what I mean. Of
Speaker 1: course it's affecting your sex life. Of course, you can't
Speaker 1: sixty nine somebody if you think there's ship coming out
Speaker 1: of their asshole. Fuck. I also want to know what
Speaker 1: sexy dancing has his asked near your face. I'm just
Speaker 1: really excited about that, So I agree. I mean, if
Speaker 1: you've had a conversation about like are you wiping appropriately?
Speaker 1: I mean you could just like leave some cottonelle wipes
Speaker 1: in the bathroom that might help to but you do
Speaker 1: have to talk about it. Yes, you have to tell him.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter if he's embarrassed. It's about fixing the
Speaker 1: problem because there could be like some sort of reason
Speaker 1: for this, and I think it there is because it's
Speaker 1: not natural or he's not wiping properly. Yeah, but I
Speaker 1: feel like if he's not wiping properly, then he wouldn't
Speaker 1: be that embarrassed. Like maybe it is like a little
Speaker 1: league medical issue. Oh you know, like maybe he's wiping fine,
Speaker 1: but then he's got a little leak happening, so he
Speaker 1: should talk to his doctor for sure. Yeah. I'm not
Speaker 1: that kind of doctor. I don't know about assholes. Well, Poppy,
Speaker 1: We wish you the best of luck. And also, just like,
Speaker 1: have your boyfriend put on underwear in your house while
Speaker 1: you're having sex, make him wear underwear while you're having sex.
Speaker 1: Maybe up a shower before four play? Yeah, to be
Speaker 1: washing his asshole all the time. Maybe only shower sex
Speaker 1: from now on? Can we end on a better note
Speaker 1: than this? Do you have another one? We can't? Chelsea?
Speaker 1: That was upsetting for her. I'm sorry, No, I'm so sorry. Okay, So,
Speaker 1: dear Chelsea, I'm a big fan here. I'm a twenty
Speaker 1: nine year old female working as a waitress. I waited
Speaker 1: recently on an older couple sixty five or seventy five
Speaker 1: years old, and they seem normal. But when the wife
Speaker 1: stepped outside to take a phone call, the husband or
Speaker 1: maybe he was her friend or brother, there's no way
Speaker 1: to know, got weird. He called me over to ask
Speaker 1: me a question, but then decided not to. Okay, weird
Speaker 1: but whatever. Then he continued to stare at me as
Speaker 1: I was cleaning and waiting on the surrounding tables. The
Speaker 1: wife returns, she pays, and he goes to the bathroom.
Speaker 1: When he returned, I was at the computer putting in
Speaker 1: an order when he got too close for comfort and
Speaker 1: whispered something so vulgar to me it stopped me in
Speaker 1: my tracks. All I could do was wave him away,
Speaker 1: as I'm not a confrontational person and the owner of
Speaker 1: the restaurant was sitting at the bar. They left shortly after.
Speaker 1: As I was cleaning the perverts table, I noticed that
Speaker 1: his wife, question Mark, had filled out the receipt to
Speaker 1: sign up for our rewards program with her email. My
Speaker 1: question is should I make a fake email and contact
Speaker 1: her to tell her this guy as a sicko and
Speaker 1: as a worthless pile of trash. I know it won't
Speaker 1: really do anything, but god, it would feel so good.
Speaker 1: This type of thing hasn't happened since I was twenty,
Speaker 1: and I always said if it happened again, I would
Speaker 1: ruin their day. And I bitched out again. I think
Speaker 1: that's the worst part. What should I do? Emily? Well,
Speaker 1: I think it sounds like you're going to have an
Speaker 1: opportunity to say something to his face, and I think
Speaker 1: that's the move, not saying something to his wife, because
Speaker 1: what's the point of that. That's kind of a cop
Speaker 1: out too, emailing her anonymously. I mean, ay, that's inappropriate.
Speaker 1: He can't talk to you like that. Whatever he said
Speaker 1: that was vulgar is not appropriate. And so I think
Speaker 1: if they signed up for your rewards program, you're going
Speaker 1: to see him again, and I think you should get
Speaker 1: it straight in your head exactly what you're going to
Speaker 1: say the next time, and also just don't wait on
Speaker 1: them again. But I don't think you need to get
Speaker 1: involved with their marriage. I mean, he's gross, he's probably
Speaker 1: been gross for a long time and she probably does know. No,
Speaker 1: that's a good point. But if it does happen again
Speaker 1: in person, just get something ready to say, and then
Speaker 1: you could say it in front of him and his
Speaker 1: wife if you want to, or you can say it
Speaker 1: to him, or you can talk to your manager about
Speaker 1: what you're going to say, and that you don't want
Speaker 1: to wait on them. I know what it feels like
Speaker 1: to cop out and not say the thing that you
Speaker 1: want to say and defend yourself. I think you just
Speaker 1: have to wait for the moment to arise again, and
Speaker 1: it kind of sounds like it will, unfortunately, and then
Speaker 1: you can say something, Yeah, agreed. I would talk to
Speaker 1: your manager and let them know what happened, and your
Speaker 1: manager might say fine, then we'll ask them to leave
Speaker 1: next time they come. But I think there's nothing wrong
Speaker 1: with if someone whispers something shitty in your ear, saying
Speaker 1: loudly to them that like, that's not appropriate and I
Speaker 1: can't believe you said it to me, and please leave,
Speaker 1: even if it's your workplace. But also like giving your
Speaker 1: manager a heads up about that ahead of time will
Speaker 1: probably save your ass a little bit with them. All right, well,
Speaker 1: Chelsea Catherine, we did the Lord's work today. Yeah, God, God,
Speaker 1: Now I'm going to go ski and just you know,
Speaker 1: just let let this all roll off my back like
Speaker 1: a water with duck or whatever the fuck that's saying
Speaker 1: is exactly water off a duck's back, exactly precisely, Doc
Speaker 1: Doc Bucks, Bye bye. Don't forget to watch my special
Speaker 1: on Netflix, you guys. Revolution. It's a revolution. Also, I'm
Speaker 1: going back on tour. Everybody, I have a new tour.
Speaker 1: It's called a little big Bitch because I'm a little
Speaker 1: big bitch and I always have been. Sometimes well now
Speaker 1: I'm a big little bitch. No, I'm still a little
Speaker 1: big bitch. Whatever. Anyway, I'm going back on tour. I'm
Speaker 1: warming up my new one hour that I have to
Speaker 1: create from scratch, but I have some very strong ideas.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be at Zaney's Nashville March twenty nine through Sunday,
Speaker 1: April six, and then Irvine improv and then I have
Speaker 1: dates theater dates everywhere from Peoria, Illinois, Carmel, Calluma, Zoo, Spokane, Washington,
Speaker 1: Boys Idaho, Vegas, Highland, California, Tulsa, Oklahoma, and more and
Speaker 1: more and more. So go to Chelseamlo dot com for tickets.
Speaker 1: A note on our segment calling in Backup with Better Help.
Speaker 1: David Yadish's input is general psychological information based on research
Speaker 1: and experience. It's intended to be general and informational in nature.
Speaker 1: It does not represent or indicate an established clinical or
Speaker 1: professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. David's feedback is
Speaker 1: in response to a written question, and therefore there are
Speaker 1: likely unknown considerations given the limited context. Also, just because
Speaker 1: you might hear something on the show that sounds similar
Speaker 1: to what you're experiencing, beware of self diagnosis. Diagnosis is
Speaker 1: not required to find relief, and you'll want to find
Speaker 1: a qualified professional to assess and to explore diagnoses if
Speaker 1: that's important to you If you or your partner are
Speaker 1: in crisis and uncertain of whether you can maintain safety,
Speaker 1: please reach out for support to crisis hotlines or local
Speaker 1: authorities have a safety plan and that can be done
Speaker 1: with a therapist too, So if you'd like advice from Chelsea,
Speaker 1: just send us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is a production of iHeartRadio,
Speaker 1: executive produced by Nick Stuff, produced by Catherine Law, and
Speaker 1: edited and engineered by Brad Dickert.