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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 2: Don't compare. Understand your reasons for being in the relationship

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Speaker 2: that you're in, and especially for being married, because that's

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Speaker 2: a different level of commitment. And then also be aware

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Speaker 2: of who you are and what you bring to the

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Speaker 2: table as far as emotionally and maturity wise, and the

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Speaker 2: same for your partner.

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Speaker 1: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 1: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments

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Speaker 1: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a

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Speaker 1: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 1: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 1: on iTunes and visit cultivatingheurspace dot com to access our

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Speaker 1: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 3: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 3: women like you.

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Speaker 4: We're your hosts.

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Speaker 3: Doctor Dominique Broussard, a college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 5: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 5: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please

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Speaker 5: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 5: five roids to fake friends and create a safe space

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Speaker 5: where black women can.

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Speaker 3: Just be Hey, lady, is doctor dom here from the

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Speaker 3: Cultivating her Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of

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Speaker 3: the state of California in contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well,

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Speaker 3: if so, please reach out to me at doctor Dominique

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Speaker 3: Brussard dot com. That's d R D O M I

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Speaker 3: N I q U E b r O U ss

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Speaker 3: ar d dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation.

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Speaker 3: I look forward to hearing from you.

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Speaker 5: Than all right, ladies, today we have a very special

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Speaker 5: guest in Cultivating her Space. I'm super excited for this

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Speaker 5: guest for selfish reasons, and you'll learn why and just

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Speaker 5: a bit. Cody Elaine Oliver is CEO and co founder

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Speaker 5: of black Love, Inc. A fast growing media company comprised

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Speaker 5: of the Blacklove Plus app, blacklove dot com, black Love's

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Speaker 5: social and digital platforms, and live and virtual events, including

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Speaker 5: the annual Black Love Summit. She's also the director and

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Speaker 5: co creator of the groundbreaking for Time NLACP Image Awards

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Speaker 5: nominated docuseriies Black Love, which premiered as the most viewed

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Speaker 5: unscripted series in owns history. Okay, Cody, welcome to Cultivating

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Speaker 5: her Space.

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Speaker 4: Thank you, Hi, how are you?

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Speaker 5: We are so good. We are so excited for this conversation.

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Speaker 2: Yes, all right, I'm ready then too.

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Speaker 3: So we are going to jump right in with our

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Speaker 3: quote of the day. And Cody, this quote will sound

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Speaker 3: familiar to you because these are your words. So we've

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Speaker 3: been watching the series, We've been in your social media,

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Speaker 3: watching interviews, and we felt that this quote just encapsulated

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Speaker 3: a lot of the conversation that we're going to have today.

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Speaker 3: So our quote of the day, do what works for

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Speaker 3: you and stop worrying about everyone else. So we will

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Speaker 3: say that one more time for the people in the back,

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Speaker 3: do what works for you and stop worrying about everyone else, Cody,

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Speaker 3: when you hear that quote, so we took that quote

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Speaker 3: from one of your interviews. When you hear that quote

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Speaker 3: and think about the work that you do, what comes

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Speaker 3: up for you?

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Speaker 2: First, I was like, when did I say this? Not

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Speaker 2: that it's like that far fest at all, but I

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Speaker 2: was trying to recall. I was like, today, was it

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Speaker 2: an Instagram post?

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Speaker 4: What came up for me? I think was.

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Speaker 2: The reality A couple of things? I mean, I would

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Speaker 2: say the reality that this black love thing. The show,

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Speaker 2: the brand was really born out of me. And if

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Speaker 2: I look back at so many different aspects of my life,

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Speaker 2: it's obvious what was coming, but in those moments.

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Speaker 4: It wasn't.

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Speaker 2: And that is the testament to like doing what works

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Speaker 2: for you, is that like the little things, the little

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Speaker 2: nuggets along the way, were all the things that worked

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Speaker 2: for me that culminated in this use of both of

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Speaker 2: my degrees and every internship I ever had, and every

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Speaker 2: conversation you know about relationships I ever had, and so

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Speaker 2: here we are. And then the other thing that it

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Speaker 2: made me think of was the journey to the show,

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Speaker 2: which was when we were shooting it, and when we

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Speaker 2: were thinking we were making a documentary and we were

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Speaker 2: going the traditional documentary route of shooting content, raising money

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Speaker 2: for a film, future doc getting grants.

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Speaker 4: There were just.

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Speaker 2: So many people that didn't get it, mostly white people.

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Speaker 2: And not to say yeah, I mean there were just

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Speaker 2: so many people, traditional film makers that kind of looked

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Speaker 2: at us like, Okay, that's what you want to do.

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Speaker 2: And so that's what it made me think of, is

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Speaker 2: really doing what works for me.

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Speaker 5: I'm so glad you pointed out that the small steps

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Speaker 5: and the journey matters because sometimes we overlooked that and

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Speaker 5: like the destination, the destination, but it's like, wait, everything

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Speaker 5: those break proms lead to that. Yeah, and then white

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Speaker 5: folk and how this is the most viewed come on

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Speaker 5: Now unscripted series on own and these white folks are like, oh,

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Speaker 5: because it doesn't relate to them, right, They're not the target.

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Speaker 5: Oh my goodness.

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Speaker 4: Okay, yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 5: Can you, Cody tell us about your origin story? Could

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Speaker 5: you alluded to some of the things that you've done

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Speaker 5: as far as internships and your degrees. Tell us about

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Speaker 5: your origin story and how Cody Eleen Oliver became the

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Speaker 5: Cody Aline Alibert today.

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Speaker 2: You know, well, I'll do it, but I'll try to

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Speaker 2: do it sort of in the context of black love

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Speaker 2: and the things I'm doing today, right, so, and some

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Speaker 2: of them I'll go fast because you always know about

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Speaker 2: me being in third grade in drama, but I was.

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Speaker 2: I was in theater in third grade. I continued acting

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Speaker 2: through middle school, I think almost high school. And I

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Speaker 2: played sports as well, and so at a certain point

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Speaker 2: I had to decide between the two because they both

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Speaker 2: take a lot of time. But I say that to

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Speaker 2: say and I decided on sports, which means that I

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Speaker 2: was no longer acting and early enough in life where

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Speaker 2: that was the focus. Right, sports became the focus until

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Speaker 2: I graduated high school. And I say that to say

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Speaker 2: that being creative and entertaining people and was always who

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Speaker 2: I am and always of interest to me. And so

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Speaker 2: fast forward to and my parents are both entrepreneurs. One

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Speaker 2: was a doctor, one a lawyer, both with their own practices,

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Speaker 2: and so entrepreneurship, right, was like, oh, maybe that's my path.

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Speaker 2: So when I went to college, I decided to be

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Speaker 2: a business major, specifically, like, well, I know, I want

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Speaker 2: to be creative. I want to be in a creative space.

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Speaker 2: I want to be a space that's pretty. I love

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Speaker 2: the magazines at the time too, and I like fashion,

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Speaker 2: and so I wanted to be a business major because

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Speaker 2: I was like, well, everyone needs business majors. I want

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Speaker 2: to make money. I don't want to be in a

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Speaker 2: creative field struggling. So I was a business major, and

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Speaker 2: then I changed my major a year later to broadcast journalism.

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Speaker 2: And so take broadcast journalism, right, It's news, it's being

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Speaker 2: on camera. It's figuring out how to do interviews and

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Speaker 2: take a lot of information to still it down to

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Speaker 2: what people want to know. And fast forward again too

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Speaker 2: when I absolutely hated twenty four hour news. I hated

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Speaker 2: hard news. I always wanted to be an entertainment news

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Speaker 2: but I was told to get a foundation in hard

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Speaker 2: news and then that can you know, pave the way.

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Speaker 4: So I did that.

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Speaker 2: You know, internships galore, internship at CBS and DC, which

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Speaker 2: was amazing and I loved it. But there the person

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Speaker 2: who I worked for was a thirty year veteran anchor

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Speaker 2: J C.

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Speaker 4: Hayward.

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Speaker 2: If you know anything about DC and black woman, and

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Speaker 2: so at that point in her career, she could do

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Speaker 2: whatever she wanted. She was doing, I think six o'clock

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Speaker 2: anchor news, but every every Friday she did like a

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Speaker 2: human interest story, like she highlighted an impactful person in DC,

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Speaker 2: usually a person of color, and I worked on those

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Speaker 2: stories with her. So that's what I was doing in

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Speaker 2: broadcast journalism, thinking I'm going to one day be you know,

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Speaker 2: on E right. And so fast forward to Fox News

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Speaker 2: where I worked as an intern, and then I got

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Speaker 2: a job there after I graduated college, and I hated it.

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Speaker 2: It was just dark and an unhappy place for me,

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Speaker 2: and I fell in love with movie trailers and movies

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Speaker 2: of course and TV. But like that two minute trailer,

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Speaker 2: boy was like, how do I do that?

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Speaker 3: You know?

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Speaker 2: Stars in my eyes? And I started researching, like film school,

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Speaker 2: because I didn't know how else to get into that world.

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Speaker 2: I was nowhere near it.

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Speaker 4: I was in DC.

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Speaker 2: I was in journalism and decided to study producing at

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Speaker 2: the Peter Stark Producing Program in DC. Oh lord in

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Speaker 2: LA because there was producing, which is the business of film,

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Speaker 2: but also directing and writing. There's a little bit of everything,

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Speaker 2: and I was like, I need to learn it all.

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Speaker 2: And so I thought I was going to make you know,

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Speaker 2: love stories, feature loves. I wanted to tell universal stories

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Speaker 2: with black characters and y'all don't want all like just

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Speaker 2: tell me when you want me to go back fast

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Speaker 2: forward too. So I mean that's what I thought I

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Speaker 2: was going to do, and that's what I was pursuing.

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Speaker 3: You know.

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Speaker 2: I optioned a book, I had optioned scripts. I was

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Speaker 2: working on projects and through two different multiple jobs right

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Speaker 2: through three key jobs. One at a studio, one at

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Speaker 2: a film festival where the film festival was also a

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Speaker 2: nonprofit organization called film Independent that does your own labs

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Speaker 2: for filmmakers and we produced the Independent Spirit Awards. I

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Speaker 2: fell in love with documentaries, still not thinking I'm going

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Speaker 2: to make a doc, right, this is two thousand and

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Speaker 2: eight and two thousand and nine something like that, nine

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Speaker 2: ten and nobody like those are educational things, right, like docs,

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Speaker 2: you know, and I'm not a nerd, you know, this

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Speaker 2: is what I'm thinking, And I just fell in love

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Speaker 2: with them. There were just a few that had a

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Speaker 2: really big impact on me. And so and at this point,

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Speaker 2: black love is a nugget. Lord y'all, just tell me

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Speaker 2: when you want me to break some stub down, because

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Speaker 2: there's all these different elements, but at this point, black

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Speaker 2: love is a nugget, right.

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Speaker 4: Eight nine.

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Speaker 2: Black love is definitely something that I wanted to I

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Speaker 2: wanted to create a place where black love stories live.

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Speaker 2: But the last thing I was thinking about was a documentary.

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Speaker 2: And so actually I thought about it and then I

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Speaker 2: was like, nah, I don't know anything about making documentaries.

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Speaker 2: And so then I met Tommy and he was a

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Speaker 2: traditional filmmaker. I mean, he studied business, but he made

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Speaker 2: a movie in college. She produced a movie in college,

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Speaker 2: and then he judged a film festival where he met

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Speaker 2: this incredible filmmaker and produced his first feature film called

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Speaker 2: ken Rwanda, which was at Sundance. And then Tommy wrote, directed,

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Speaker 2: and produced a feature that was at the Toronto Film

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Speaker 2: Festival and that's where we met. And I had no

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Speaker 2: idea who he was, Like, the industry's not that big,

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Speaker 2: and I felt like I had been in it enough

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Speaker 2: years where like, I know all the black people, especially

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Speaker 2: a young, handsome black filmmaker who was making feature films

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Speaker 2: at the Toronto Film Festival. So when I met him,

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Speaker 2: it was like who is this guy? So we meet,

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Speaker 2: very cool, start dating. Within a week or two. I

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Speaker 2: mentioned this black love idea that I have and I.

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Speaker 4: Was like, ah, maybe a documentary.

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Speaker 2: At that point, documentaries were cool ish, and he's like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: let's do it, you know, and he's a talented cinematographer

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Speaker 2: or producer, so his job is to encourage people and

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Speaker 2: put them on their journey, and so.

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Speaker 4: He was like, let's do it. So fast forward.

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Speaker 2: Again to now this brand this show that is me

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Speaker 2: using my journalism degree, using my film degree, using my

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Speaker 2: love of black people, and my curiosity about black relationships

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Speaker 2: or relationships period, but with the narrative of a black

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Speaker 2: marriage crisis and all of these other things that we

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Speaker 2: heard about why we aren't worthy of love, my love

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Speaker 2: and curiosity about that part of things, all of that

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Speaker 2: coming to the surface together to make this brand. So

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Speaker 2: that's what I mean about all the little things and

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Speaker 2: not to material id one. More so, my sister's five

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Speaker 2: and a half years older than me, and she went

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Speaker 2: to Hampton when I was twelve, and apparently I don't remember,

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Speaker 2: my memory is trash, but apparently I used to run

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Speaker 2: around like pointing to couples and being like black love,

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Speaker 2: black love when I was like thirteen, and would visit

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Speaker 2: my sister school.

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Speaker 4: So yeah, so apparently this was just meant to be.

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Speaker 5: Wow.

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Speaker 3: Wow, Thank you so much for breaking down your journey,

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Speaker 3: because I think what it highlights for a lot of

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Speaker 3: us is that when it's something that's meant to be,

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Speaker 3: when it's your passion, that no matter what other steps

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Speaker 3: you might take along the way, eventually you come back

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Speaker 3: to that thing.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, or to whatever is meant for you right like

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Speaker 2: it may because it's not like I ever said I

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Speaker 2: have to do this thing. You know I did eventually,

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Speaker 2: But I agree with you. I believe that, like what's

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Speaker 2: meant for you is gonna like creep up there.

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Speaker 3: He's gonna find its way right and that in all

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Speaker 3: of us somewhere along the way. Early on, there were

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Speaker 3: some little signs, like you were saying you don't remember,

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Speaker 3: but your sister pointed out, like you're at Hampton visiting

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Speaker 3: her and pointing out black love. So it's something that's

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Speaker 3: been in you for a while. Right now, you mentioned

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Speaker 3: working with your husband, Tommy m And so what is

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Speaker 3: it like working with your husband? And how do you

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Speaker 3: separate home from business? Because we're always taught you got

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Speaker 3: to have a work life balance, but you work with

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Speaker 3: your life, So how does how how do you separate

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Speaker 3: home from business when working with your husband.

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Speaker 4: It's weird.

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Speaker 2: We're in a weird space now because it's like we

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Speaker 2: don't have to talk about it as much.

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Speaker 3: You know.

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Speaker 2: So early on that was like a big problem and

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Speaker 2: there was no separation. We didn't have kids, like this

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Speaker 2: was our life, you know, especially mine because it was

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Speaker 2: my baby. I was very passionate about. Not that he wasn't,

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Speaker 2: but he had his own goals and so at first

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Speaker 2: it was just this like jumping out the window or

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Speaker 2: jumping off the deepen or whatever whatever sayings there are,

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Speaker 2: and we did have to have multiple conversations, we didn't

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Speaker 2: have them for far too long, at least two years

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Speaker 2: at least. I don't think we had them till the

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Speaker 2: show was on the air and we started. We met

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Speaker 2: in twenty thirteen, we did our first interview in twenty fourteen.

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Speaker 2: The show premiere in twenty seventeen, so I don't think

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Speaker 2: we had a conversation till twenty eighteen at best, so

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Speaker 2: maybe nineteen. So we had conversations, but they weren't like

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Speaker 2: this is what we're going to do. It was more

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Speaker 2: like somebody was complaining. So what I would say is

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Speaker 2: a hands down. Any couple who's working together, have those

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Speaker 2: conversations upfront. Let's set some rules. Even if we agree,

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Speaker 2: those rules can change, but we regroup and change them.

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Speaker 2: But let's set some rules. I had heard some advice

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Speaker 2: read something early on that said if you work with

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Speaker 2: your spouse, to have very clear, delineated duties, and we

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Speaker 2: did not do that. I read it and still didn't

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Speaker 2: do it. I always felt like we were an exception

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Speaker 2: because we were in film and what I was reading

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Speaker 2: was like, I don't know dry cleaner company or something

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Speaker 2: like that, and so we definitely should have.

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Speaker 4: Done it earlier.

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Speaker 2: And it wasn't just oh, let's not talk about business

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Speaker 2: in the bedroom or after a certain hour. It was

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Speaker 2: more so just what parts of the business were my

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Speaker 2: purview and what was his. And we did not have

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Speaker 2: that conversation for so long, and then we finally didn't.

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Speaker 2: It's been a lot better since, for sure. And there's

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Speaker 2: times where like he's doing something or I'm doing something

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Speaker 2: that the other doesn't necessarily think is right way to go,

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Speaker 2: and it's like, all right, well that's your you know,

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Speaker 2: unless it's super detrimental, Like I'm just gonna let you

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Speaker 2: see how this goes, and we have to lean into that.

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Speaker 4: And that's been super helpful.

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Speaker 5: I love this, like that's your area responsibility if anything

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Speaker 5: happens with that.

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Speaker 4: Right, you got that.

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Speaker 5: We are really enjoying the conversation, Cody, but we do

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Speaker 5: want to shift up the energy and then we'll get

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Speaker 5: back into the into the conversation. So we on the

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Speaker 5: podcast we believe that one we recognize, appreciate, and celebrate

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Speaker 5: the multifaceted woman, and we believe that it's okay to

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Speaker 5: be bougie and classy and ratchet and you can still

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Speaker 5: be elegant and dance to strip club music, if you

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Speaker 5: so choose. So with that said, so do we want

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Speaker 5: to invite invite you to the oh you blatch it? Segment?

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Speaker 5: I'm so excited you can tell I can we get

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Speaker 5: my words out? We want to invite you to the

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Speaker 5: oh you blatch it segment? So, Cody, do you take

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Speaker 5: on the challenge?

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Speaker 4: I guess so? Am I going to be dancing on

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Speaker 4: this on this camera?

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Speaker 5: I love that you asked if you so che I

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Speaker 5: love that you agreed, even though you're like, I don't

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Speaker 5: know what they're about to have me do. So we

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Speaker 5: give you the inside scoop. So we're going to ask

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Speaker 5: you three questions. We're going to share three sentence completions,

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Speaker 5: and then we have three photos of you pulled up

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Speaker 5: from our social media digging, and we want you to

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Speaker 5: choose one photo. You're going to choose the number between

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Speaker 5: one and three, and then we'll show you that photo,

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Speaker 5: and we want you to give us more context about

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Speaker 5: that photo that we wouldn't know by looking at it.

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Speaker 2: Okay, okay, three, three and three? That was three different things?

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Speaker 5: Three three three? So dom you want to get started?

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Speaker 3: Yes, So the first question what's the best piece of

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Speaker 3: wisdom or advice you've ever received.

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Speaker 2: I'm trying to think about ever. I'm really trying to

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Speaker 2: give you something here. But I feel like I am

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Speaker 2: experiencing life and seasons. And I also think that in general,

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Speaker 2: because of seasons, things resonate with you differently, different places

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Speaker 2: in your life very much. So yes, and so I

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Speaker 2: would say, oh, I'll give you two.

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Speaker 4: I'll give you two most recent.

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Speaker 2: You can have it all, but you can't do it

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Speaker 2: all most reason. And then the second one is from

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Speaker 2: a couple that we interviewed prior to the show Ever

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Speaker 2: being on. Actually they're not even in Blacklove Doc as

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Speaker 2: you know it. They're on a show we did called

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Speaker 2: Black Love Untold Stories, which is on our app, the

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Speaker 2: Black Love Plus App, and the couple's names Melissa and Alessandra.

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Speaker 2: They are out of DC. This minta mean because I

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Speaker 2: think they said it afterward, but this was early in

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Speaker 2: our marriage, maybe we were engaged. I think we were married,

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Speaker 2: and they said, it doesn't have to make sense, it

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Speaker 2: just has to make peace. And that was something as

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Speaker 2: far as like a relationship that was helpful. It don't

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Speaker 2: have to make sense to him. He just got to

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Speaker 2: figure out how to raise some piece around here.

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Speaker 5: That's a word right there. Okay, wow, well, Cody, we're

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Speaker 5: going to transition to this next question, and I just

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Speaker 5: have four words for you, Cody, and the four words

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Speaker 5: are twerk or two steps. What you're doing?

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Speaker 2: Oh oh oh, I mean I got a little of both.

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Speaker 2: It just depends on what's playing. Just depends on what's playing.

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Speaker 5: I like that answer, so either or depending on the

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Speaker 5: vibe playing, I like it.

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Speaker 4: I will give you both.

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Speaker 3: Yes, Okay, all right, our third question, what is the

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Speaker 3: sexiest item that you own?

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Speaker 2: I was about to say a postpartum woman. I'm not

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Speaker 2: a post part of woman. I haven't had babies in

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Speaker 2: almost four years. But this is like, might be a

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Speaker 2: lame answer, but it might be this little brazier that

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Speaker 2: I really like. Ok I'm gonna give you a little

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Speaker 2: pieka boo boom boom. See the little lace.

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Speaker 4: I like the lace. Okay, that's we see it.

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Speaker 1: Come I like them.

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Speaker 2: Put it up under stuff anyway, come through lace.

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Speaker 5: I love it.

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Speaker 3: I love it.

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Speaker 5: We've gotten some interesting answers, so there's nothing wrong with that.

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Speaker 5: I'm not sure.

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Speaker 4: I'm like, you're really trying to say.

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Speaker 5: Okay, oh, we're going to move on to the sentence completion,

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Speaker 5: and our first sentense completion for you is one question

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Speaker 5: or topic I wish people ask me about more often.

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Speaker 2: Is there's so many to be honest with you, and

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Speaker 2: I get I get a little bit of everything, but

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Speaker 2: just most of the time it's just about the show,

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Speaker 2: which I love the show.

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Speaker 3: But.

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Speaker 2: Because I'm an open book, it's like everything else.

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Speaker 4: Frankly, you know what I mean, I don't know.

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Speaker 2: It's gotta be my I'm thinking about my friendships, I'm

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Speaker 2: thinking about There's so many things that I just like

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Speaker 2: enjoy talking about, but people only ask me about like.

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Speaker 4: Why did you create? I love it?

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 3: So, yeah, it's a lot more to That's perfect because

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Speaker 3: our next census completion is the one thing I wish

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Speaker 3: people knew about me. Most people wouldn't know.

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Speaker 2: Is The other part is because I'm an open book,

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Speaker 2: I feel like everybody knows everything. But the one thing

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Speaker 2: that I wish people know about me, I'll tell you, Okay,

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Speaker 2: this is we went from the sexiest item to like depth, right,

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Speaker 2: So the one thing that I haven't figured out how

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Speaker 2: to share that I wish I could talk about more

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Speaker 2: is that my whole family went to Howard, so I'm

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Speaker 2: my sister, and there was a period of time in

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Speaker 2: ninety two it extended, but there was an article that

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Speaker 2: came out in nineteen tinety two and fort Worth's Star

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Speaker 2: Telegram because I'm from fort Worth, Texas that at the

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Speaker 2: time my family had six doctors in Fort Worth, which

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Speaker 2: is pretty significant as like black doctors in one city

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Speaker 2: with like such a legacy. It all came through Howard

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Speaker 2: Medical School. And I love the article. I love the

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Speaker 2: experience of it because it speaks to like black excellence

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Speaker 2: and HBCUs and how HBC using specific Howard you know

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00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:05,280
Speaker 2: have educated our community and contributed to the health and

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Speaker 2: wellness of our community, jobs, generational wealth. And also my

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Speaker 2: son's name is Brooks, that's my maiden name, and my

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Speaker 2: family of doctors is last names Brooks. And so it's

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Speaker 2: just like I just want all the excuses to talk about.

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Speaker 4: That's what I got.

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Speaker 5: That's like a whole nother book or amazing right, Okay, thank.

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Speaker 3: You, So the last sentence completion. What I love most

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Speaker 3: about myself is what.

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Speaker 2: I love most about myself is probably my authenticity. I

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Speaker 2: just try to be not I mean, it's not hard,

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Speaker 2: but I try to be me at all times, and

439
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,639
Speaker 2: when I can't be, when I feel like something's butting

440
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:54,119
Speaker 2: up against that, I try to pay attention to that

441
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:54,600
Speaker 2: as well.

442
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,680
Speaker 5: Figure out why Where are you able to be your

443
00:23:57,800 --> 00:23:58,960
Speaker 5: most authentic self?

444
00:23:59,359 --> 00:24:03,960
Speaker 2: Probably with my two best friends. I mean more than two,

445
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:07,280
Speaker 2: to be honest, but two in particular. I can pretty

446
00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:11,960
Speaker 2: much say anything too and say the scary thing, say

447
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,080
Speaker 2: the things that like you.

448
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:15,960
Speaker 4: I don't want anybody to know. At the end of

449
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:16,840
Speaker 4: the day, they don't know.

450
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:19,440
Speaker 2: So that is so beautiful.

451
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:25,160
Speaker 3: Yes, I love that best friends are They are a blessing.

452
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:28,760
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, I think it's necessary for.

453
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:31,679
Speaker 4: Us ladies especially. I think man too. But they just

454
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:32,399
Speaker 4: fight against it.

455
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:36,200
Speaker 5: I don't know, they really do. Just like I asked

456
00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:38,000
Speaker 5: my husband, do you talk to your friends about this?

457
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:38,520
Speaker 3: Oh?

458
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:42,400
Speaker 5: They don't say that man. Okay, all right, we're talking

459
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:46,200
Speaker 5: about everything as girls. Okay, So speaking of talking about everything,

460
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,560
Speaker 5: we have some photos put up of you, and so

461
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:51,600
Speaker 5: what we want you to do, Cody is choose a

462
00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:55,840
Speaker 5: number out of one through three or between one and three.

463
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:58,320
Speaker 5: Choose a number and we will show you that particular

464
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:00,520
Speaker 5: picture on screen so you can give us more context

465
00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:02,960
Speaker 5: about the photo that we would know just by looking

466
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:04,800
Speaker 5: at the photo. We got some fun step photo two.

467
00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:08,760
Speaker 4: Okay, I'm gonna go with two. I'm gonna go with

468
00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:09,240
Speaker 4: too too.

469
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:13,919
Speaker 5: Okay, let's see number two. Oh this is really really sweet. Okay,

470
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:16,120
Speaker 5: I think you're gonna like this, all right, So I'm

471
00:25:16,119 --> 00:25:18,720
Speaker 5: going to share the photo Cody, give us an overview

472
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:20,880
Speaker 5: of what we are looking at, because some folks are

473
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:23,320
Speaker 5: only going to be tuning into the audio, so we

474
00:25:23,359 --> 00:25:26,320
Speaker 5: want to make sure that they see or at least imagine.

475
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:28,720
Speaker 4: Oh my goodness, guys.

476
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:31,800
Speaker 2: All right, so this is a photo of me giving

477
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:35,720
Speaker 2: Tommy a smooch, and this says it was oh there.

478
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:38,680
Speaker 2: It is May thirteenth, twenty fourteen, so we had met

479
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:46,440
Speaker 2: September ninth, twenty thirteen, and by March fifteenth, twenty fourteen,

480
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:50,800
Speaker 2: we were engaged. So this was just a moment. We

481
00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:53,640
Speaker 2: used to do a lot of selfies like this where

482
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:55,480
Speaker 2: we would just be laying around doing something.

483
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:57,280
Speaker 5: I love that.

484
00:25:57,359 --> 00:25:59,639
Speaker 2: It looks, you know, like, I don't know, not a

485
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:01,920
Speaker 2: selfie just to keep moving right.

486
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:07,440
Speaker 5: It's so cute. I love it, and so were popping. Then, Okay, girls,

487
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:09,600
Speaker 5: do they still say on fleek if they don't. But

488
00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:11,399
Speaker 5: you know what I mean, girls all flee? I know

489
00:26:12,359 --> 00:26:14,480
Speaker 5: you know. I think you said in the interview you

490
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,800
Speaker 5: all were together for six months before you got engaged.

491
00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:20,879
Speaker 5: Can you talk about it. I know there's like a

492
00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:23,439
Speaker 5: stigma around that maybe before online dating, but can you

493
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:26,480
Speaker 5: talk a bit about how right, like how what people

494
00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:29,600
Speaker 5: thought about what they said as far as feedback, you know,

495
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:30,240
Speaker 5: but there.

496
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:34,040
Speaker 2: Was absolutely no negativity at that time, like for us.

497
00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:35,480
Speaker 4: For us is what I'm trying to say.

498
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:38,400
Speaker 2: My one of my best friends lived in Dubai at

499
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:40,760
Speaker 2: the time, and when Tommy called her to tell her

500
00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:42,719
Speaker 2: like to ask, not to ask, but to give her

501
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:48,080
Speaker 2: heads up, she did say, what's the rush or why

502
00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:51,560
Speaker 2: so fast? Or something like that, and they're gonna get mad.

503
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,000
Speaker 2: They hated each other for like several years. They don't

504
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:57,560
Speaker 2: evenore they love each other now. But it was a problem.

505
00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,280
Speaker 2: But it wasn't anything that she didn't like him. It

506
00:27:00,359 --> 00:27:02,360
Speaker 2: was just that was her initial instinct was like why

507
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:05,880
Speaker 2: so fast? Outside of that, I can't think of anybody

508
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:07,280
Speaker 2: who gave us a hard time about it.

509
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:12,919
Speaker 3: That's amazing. That is amazing because usually but then but

510
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:17,000
Speaker 3: to me, that also speaks to what you all exuded

511
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:17,960
Speaker 3: as a couple.

512
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,720
Speaker 2: And even individually because our people knew like, oh, if

513
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:26,280
Speaker 2: she's doing that or if he's doing that, then that's

514
00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:26,720
Speaker 2: what it is.

515
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,280
Speaker 4: It must be. It is what it is.

516
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:35,119
Speaker 6: Yeah, and so so Cody, we're gonna shift back into

517
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:40,520
Speaker 6: asking more questions and so and we coverage.

518
00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:42,520
Speaker 4: Can I do another photo?

519
00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:47,240
Speaker 5: Yes? Yes, we noticed that some folks are like, wait,

520
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:49,199
Speaker 5: can I do another one? I'm just gonna show you

521
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:54,400
Speaker 5: the others too. Let's see. So, gee, this is another photo. Okay,

522
00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:58,480
Speaker 5: lovely curls again, curls just stunting on us. And then

523
00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:00,800
Speaker 5: we have this one here.

524
00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:02,760
Speaker 2: I knew it was gonna be one of these that

525
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:04,680
Speaker 2: is funny, so cute.

526
00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:08,800
Speaker 5: So I'm hearing yourselves about either photos and filmy to describe.

527
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:10,920
Speaker 4: I'll tell you about this one. This one.

528
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:14,120
Speaker 2: So this, this is a photo in this Okay, during

529
00:28:14,119 --> 00:28:16,240
Speaker 2: the pandemic, when I didn't know that it was going

530
00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:19,560
Speaker 2: to be one hundred years long, I bought a handful

531
00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:22,280
Speaker 2: of clothes, like kind of a lot. At first I

532
00:28:22,359 --> 00:28:25,919
Speaker 2: discovered farm Rio. I just was buying clothes that I

533
00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:28,359
Speaker 2: really loved. And this photo I'll describe the photo and

534
00:28:28,359 --> 00:28:32,000
Speaker 2: then i'll explain the dress is a this pink dress

535
00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:36,320
Speaker 2: that I bought, deep v neck, high legs, lit up

536
00:28:36,359 --> 00:28:39,920
Speaker 2: against this really cute sea like light pink.

537
00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:40,400
Speaker 4: And white wall.

538
00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:45,040
Speaker 2: I decided, when was this January two of this year.

539
00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:47,480
Speaker 2: I took the photo last year, but I bought that

540
00:28:47,720 --> 00:28:50,680
Speaker 2: dress in like twenty twenty, and I decided last year that, like,

541
00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:52,280
Speaker 2: if I'm not going anywhere.

542
00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:54,280
Speaker 4: Somebody gonna get a picture in this dress.

543
00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:58,400
Speaker 2: So I went and took photos and it made me

544
00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:01,360
Speaker 2: really happy to see that and to have something to

545
00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:03,840
Speaker 2: do with the address, and so I posted I think

546
00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:06,080
Speaker 2: around New Year's January second.

547
00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:08,880
Speaker 5: I have loved it. Yes, all those clothes that we

548
00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:11,280
Speaker 5: bought during the pandemic, se somebody gonna see this outfit.

549
00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:16,200
Speaker 5: I love the story, the curls, the look. Yes here

550
00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:18,360
Speaker 5: you all right?

551
00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:28,560
Speaker 3: So, as you think about so, you've interviewed hundreds of couples, right,

552
00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:33,560
Speaker 3: and in your research and your interactions and thinking of

553
00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:38,680
Speaker 3: your own relationship, what has been the most surprising thing

554
00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:42,480
Speaker 3: that you've learned about black love?

555
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:46,040
Speaker 2: I mean, I don't think I understood, like what I

556
00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:49,280
Speaker 2: appreciate about our brand and what most people say to

557
00:29:49,360 --> 00:29:54,680
Speaker 2: us that they love is seeing themselves and it's usually

558
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:57,480
Speaker 2: in the heavier stuff for the uncomfortable stuff.

559
00:29:57,880 --> 00:29:59,120
Speaker 4: It's certainly not like.

560
00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:01,280
Speaker 2: Oh, I see my and that love, you know, like

561
00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:05,360
Speaker 2: sometimes that you know, but people really respond to somebody's

562
00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:09,400
Speaker 2: pet peeve, matchine theirs, or somebody dealing with daddy issues

563
00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:10,320
Speaker 2: or something like that.

564
00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:13,120
Speaker 4: And so I would say.

565
00:30:12,920 --> 00:30:18,920
Speaker 2: That for me, what I have learned now that feels

566
00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:22,520
Speaker 2: like I knew this all along, but it really was

567
00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:26,600
Speaker 2: reinforced with Black Love. Is how we come to the table.

568
00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:29,840
Speaker 2: We come to our relationships with you know, our baggage

569
00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:35,680
Speaker 2: and our trauma and our expectations and our misunderstanding of relationships,

570
00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:39,960
Speaker 2: and that's what we bring in and then we're trying

571
00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:42,560
Speaker 2: to figure out what to let go of and what

572
00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:47,360
Speaker 2: to keep. And so I think I knew that because

573
00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:49,480
Speaker 2: part of the reason I even wanted to do it

574
00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:53,240
Speaker 2: was to understand myself and relationships better and what works

575
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:58,040
Speaker 2: and what doesn't. But the show definitely reinforced at the interviews,

576
00:30:58,120 --> 00:31:01,240
Speaker 2: you know, doing more than two hundred interview you definitely

577
00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:05,040
Speaker 2: reinforce that seeing when people would make mistakes or seeing

578
00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:08,640
Speaker 2: when they would have a hurdle of any kind, whether

579
00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:12,120
Speaker 2: that's like financially or we were arguing about a lot

580
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:14,600
Speaker 2: of things, and then I realized that that's because you know,

581
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:17,479
Speaker 2: my mom didn't do it that way. Seeing all of

582
00:31:17,520 --> 00:31:21,480
Speaker 2: that and realizing that all that we carry around as humans,

583
00:31:22,080 --> 00:31:24,200
Speaker 2: I think that was really something I learned.

584
00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:27,000
Speaker 5: And speaking of that example, which I think was really

585
00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:29,640
Speaker 5: helpful because I definitely resonate with that watching couple shows

586
00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:32,040
Speaker 5: and you're like, that person gets it. That's exactly how

587
00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:34,440
Speaker 5: I am. I don't like noise either, or whatever it

588
00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:37,120
Speaker 5: might be. What are what would you say are the

589
00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:40,440
Speaker 5: top three things you wished all black couples knew about

590
00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:42,040
Speaker 5: having a healthy relationship.

591
00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:45,080
Speaker 2: I mean, I would say that first and foremost, like,

592
00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:48,720
Speaker 2: understand that you and your partner are both coming to

593
00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:52,200
Speaker 2: the table with stuff, And I would say, understand that

594
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:54,080
Speaker 2: as early as possible, so that you think of the

595
00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:57,600
Speaker 2: right questions to ask or the or the right tools

596
00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:00,480
Speaker 2: and resources to take into your relationship, whether that be

597
00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:04,920
Speaker 2: therapy or reading books or consulting someone who's been through

598
00:32:04,920 --> 00:32:08,280
Speaker 2: whatever you have or your partner has. And so that

599
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:11,360
Speaker 2: to me is like the most important thing, and it

600
00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:13,920
Speaker 2: allows us to give grace too when they're doing something

601
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:17,600
Speaker 2: that we don't like, big or small, because the thing

602
00:32:17,720 --> 00:32:20,200
Speaker 2: is we are quick to judge other people's relationships. We

603
00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:24,320
Speaker 2: are quick to judge potential partners, and so the sooner

604
00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:28,160
Speaker 2: we can recognize the humanity in us and the reality

605
00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:31,400
Speaker 2: that we just showing up as whatever we were taught

606
00:32:31,600 --> 00:32:35,880
Speaker 2: or whatever we learned, the sooner we can assess our

607
00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:38,800
Speaker 2: relationship for what it is. So I would say that's

608
00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:44,400
Speaker 2: number one. Number two, don't compare yourself your relationship to

609
00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:47,800
Speaker 2: other people. It's probably the biggest one. It's hard even

610
00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:52,840
Speaker 2: to me, but it's necessary to really look inside of

611
00:32:52,880 --> 00:32:57,760
Speaker 2: your house and your relationship and decide how you feel

612
00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:01,240
Speaker 2: about it. I think that this might be two sides

613
00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:04,280
Speaker 2: of the same coin, but or it's the third thing.

614
00:33:04,600 --> 00:33:08,520
Speaker 2: But I think that people have gotten married specifically or

615
00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:12,720
Speaker 2: gotten into relationships for different reasons over the last hundred years.

616
00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:14,160
Speaker 4: Right, there was a.

617
00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:16,080
Speaker 2: Time when a woman couldn't get a bank account if

618
00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:18,600
Speaker 2: she wasn't married, or I guess if the man had

619
00:33:18,600 --> 00:33:19,920
Speaker 2: to have the bank account, and then it was like

620
00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:21,479
Speaker 2: a family account. There was a time we couldn't get

621
00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:23,000
Speaker 2: a bankcount. There was a time we didn't have We

622
00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:27,280
Speaker 2: didn't work, so we didn't have the same demands on

623
00:33:27,320 --> 00:33:29,920
Speaker 2: our minds and our bodies as we do now, and

624
00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:34,000
Speaker 2: idolizing our grandparents' relationship and our parents' relationship or whoever

625
00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:37,280
Speaker 2: is not the same at all. That's why gen Z

626
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:40,200
Speaker 2: is like, we don't need marriage, It's fine. So I

627
00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:42,800
Speaker 2: would say those would be the three things don't compare.

628
00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:48,040
Speaker 2: Understand your reasons for being in the relationship that you're in,

629
00:33:48,080 --> 00:33:50,800
Speaker 2: and especially for being married, because that's a different level

630
00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:54,840
Speaker 2: of commitment. And then also be aware of who you

631
00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:57,200
Speaker 2: are and what you bring to the table as far

632
00:33:57,240 --> 00:34:01,400
Speaker 2: as emotionally and maturity wise, and same for your partner.

633
00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:06,560
Speaker 3: I love that, lady, As you are listening to this episode,

634
00:34:06,680 --> 00:34:09,520
Speaker 3: I need you to pause and rewind and take some

635
00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:14,560
Speaker 3: notes because those are some gems that will carry you

636
00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:22,400
Speaker 3: through any romantic relationship you have. Yeah, and so, Cody,

637
00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:28,320
Speaker 3: you mentioned the pandemic earlier, and we know we've seen

638
00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:34,280
Speaker 3: keeap stories of how the pandemic has sparked new relationships,

639
00:34:34,800 --> 00:34:41,320
Speaker 3: but also like really calls the end to other relationships.

640
00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:45,560
Speaker 3: What are some of the trends that you've noticed through

641
00:34:45,600 --> 00:34:48,120
Speaker 3: the pandemic regarding black relationships?

642
00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:51,600
Speaker 4: You know, I don't know that I.

643
00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:57,000
Speaker 2: Have any real analysis there as much as you know

644
00:34:57,080 --> 00:34:59,560
Speaker 2: you mentioned like the pandemic causing the end of a

645
00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:02,319
Speaker 2: relationship ship, right, I think at the end of the day,

646
00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:05,640
Speaker 2: similar to anything else. Right, So if somebody was unfaithful,

647
00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:09,160
Speaker 2: I would be asking why, Right, I would be asking

648
00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:12,040
Speaker 2: is that person just they don't respect you and so

649
00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:13,960
Speaker 2: they don't care about feelings and they just went and

650
00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:18,319
Speaker 2: did something that they knew would be hurtful. Or is

651
00:35:18,400 --> 00:35:21,680
Speaker 2: that person unhappy and there's this is a cry for

652
00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:25,719
Speaker 2: help and have y'all like and did they communicate their feelings, needs,

653
00:35:25,719 --> 00:35:27,759
Speaker 2: thoughts and concerns before now you know, Like I'm not

654
00:35:27,800 --> 00:35:30,880
Speaker 2: saying I would take that person's side, But the question

655
00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:34,000
Speaker 2: at the end of the day when a relationship is

656
00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:36,040
Speaker 2: at a breaking point is why?

657
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:37,160
Speaker 4: And is the.

658
00:35:37,040 --> 00:35:39,520
Speaker 2: Reason because we got in a fight yesterday or is

659
00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:42,640
Speaker 2: the reason because we have like underlying cracks in the foundation?

660
00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:49,719
Speaker 2: And So when I think about the pandemic, and it

661
00:35:49,960 --> 00:35:52,880
Speaker 2: forced a lot of change, It forced a lot of

662
00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:56,839
Speaker 2: emotional upheaval, Right, it depends on like some people had

663
00:35:56,840 --> 00:35:58,680
Speaker 2: to deal with more or less of that.

664
00:35:58,760 --> 00:36:00,279
Speaker 4: Some people lost houses, is.

665
00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:02,560
Speaker 2: Because they didn't have jobs so they couldn't afford you know,

666
00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:05,480
Speaker 2: some people lost family members and maybe that had an

667
00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:08,640
Speaker 2: emotional toll on one person and not the other or both,

668
00:36:08,719 --> 00:36:11,719
Speaker 2: and people deal with their emotions in different ways. I

669
00:36:11,719 --> 00:36:15,880
Speaker 2: don't really have like an analysis of how it affected

670
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:19,440
Speaker 2: Black relationship as a whole as much as it going

671
00:36:19,480 --> 00:36:22,040
Speaker 2: back to those same things that I mentioned about, like

672
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:25,360
Speaker 2: when you're at a breaking point or when you're in

673
00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:28,480
Speaker 2: a difficult space, who are you? And how do you

674
00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:31,920
Speaker 2: show up then for yourself or your partner? Makes me

675
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:34,040
Speaker 2: think of and this was during the pandemic. It makes

676
00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:36,200
Speaker 2: me think of a couple that we had on the

677
00:36:36,239 --> 00:36:39,960
Speaker 2: final season of Black Love that are Kenrick and Sinico

678
00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:42,080
Speaker 2: Martin Green. Snico Martin Green is the star of Star

679
00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:47,560
Speaker 2: Trek and she shared that her parents her dad died

680
00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:50,120
Speaker 2: of ooh, I want to say liver cancer, but I

681
00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:53,319
Speaker 2: may be forgetting what kind. We died of cancer on

682
00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:55,520
Speaker 2: a Friday, and the next day their mom had a

683
00:36:55,520 --> 00:36:59,680
Speaker 2: heart attack and there were several girls and their mom

684
00:36:59,680 --> 00:37:02,920
Speaker 2: had a heart check the next day and a couple

685
00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:07,040
Speaker 2: of months later, her husband's brother cousin, his cousin who

686
00:37:07,080 --> 00:37:09,600
Speaker 2: was raised as a brother, passed away from COVID. I

687
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:14,200
Speaker 2: believe and those things happening in a tight period of

688
00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:18,480
Speaker 2: time to both of them could easily make you like

689
00:37:19,120 --> 00:37:21,080
Speaker 2: if you I'm dealing with grief over here, you know

690
00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:22,840
Speaker 2: what I mean? Or like you don't get me, you

691
00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:28,520
Speaker 2: don't understand. And for these two people, it made them

692
00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:35,160
Speaker 2: or they allowed themselves to be vulnerable say I don't

693
00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:37,600
Speaker 2: know how to support you. I want to, I want

694
00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:40,239
Speaker 2: to be there, I don't know how, and so I'm

695
00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:43,399
Speaker 2: doing the best I can in both directions. And I'm

696
00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:45,920
Speaker 2: just using that as an example of an extreme example.

697
00:37:45,920 --> 00:37:47,960
Speaker 2: But the reality was, over the pandemic, a lot of

698
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:51,520
Speaker 2: people dealt with all of that and then some And

699
00:37:51,600 --> 00:37:55,120
Speaker 2: so what I see is that, like I said, who

700
00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:59,600
Speaker 2: are you when things are difficult? And how do you

701
00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:02,960
Speaker 2: show up for yourself or your partner? And the pandemic

702
00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:08,520
Speaker 2: certainly pushed people to difficult, scary spaces, and it's natural

703
00:38:09,239 --> 00:38:12,280
Speaker 2: and then probably in some cases good in some cases,

704
00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:14,200
Speaker 2: right if it was gone, if you were going to

705
00:38:14,239 --> 00:38:18,560
Speaker 2: bring up anyway, but I think that it's natural for

706
00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:20,960
Speaker 2: you to find yourself in that space and have to

707
00:38:20,960 --> 00:38:24,800
Speaker 2: figure out how are we, how do we move forward

708
00:38:25,080 --> 00:38:25,839
Speaker 2: and in what way?

709
00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:29,520
Speaker 5: Okay, So there are there certain questions or experiences that

710
00:38:29,600 --> 00:38:32,919
Speaker 5: someone can ask before they get serious with someone, because

711
00:38:32,960 --> 00:38:35,319
Speaker 5: I know that when you were saying how you show

712
00:38:35,360 --> 00:38:37,400
Speaker 5: up when things are difficult. I remember someone saying, like,

713
00:38:37,680 --> 00:38:40,600
Speaker 5: make sure you travel with someone internationally before you decide

714
00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:43,080
Speaker 5: to get serious, because you'll see how they respond to

715
00:38:43,120 --> 00:38:46,160
Speaker 5: certain situations. So do you have any key questions or

716
00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:48,400
Speaker 5: situations that you're like, you know what, you should probably

717
00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:50,719
Speaker 5: do this before you like, yeah, block of you down

718
00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:51,360
Speaker 5: get serious?

719
00:38:51,400 --> 00:38:53,880
Speaker 2: You know, you know, I'll be honest. Something that I

720
00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:57,160
Speaker 2: heard during the course of Black Love that I would

721
00:38:57,160 --> 00:38:59,800
Speaker 2: absolutely recommend and I would do. I mean, we dated

722
00:38:59,800 --> 00:39:06,160
Speaker 2: for six months therapy like relationship counseling before you get engaged.

723
00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:10,560
Speaker 2: And I know that's dramatic for some people, but we

724
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:12,600
Speaker 2: know couples who did it. And when you think about

725
00:39:12,600 --> 00:39:16,400
Speaker 2: the why, right when this one person said this, like,

726
00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:20,520
Speaker 2: once you're engaged and you go to counseling, you're very

727
00:39:20,560 --> 00:39:23,720
Speaker 2: unlikely to call the whole thing off. Everybody already knows,

728
00:39:23,840 --> 00:39:26,960
Speaker 2: you know, it's like ego, right, and so going as

729
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:29,080
Speaker 2: soon as you're like, hey, we're serious about each other

730
00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:31,920
Speaker 2: might sound unromantic, or it might sound like a lot

731
00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:36,480
Speaker 2: to ask somebody, but there's value in it. And so

732
00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:40,520
Speaker 2: to me, that's like, if you can make that happen great,

733
00:39:40,680 --> 00:39:42,239
Speaker 2: and I say make that happen because the other person

734
00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:44,880
Speaker 2: might be like, are you crazy. I think it's powerful

735
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:48,759
Speaker 2: and helpful, and so as far as certain questions, I

736
00:39:50,040 --> 00:39:51,799
Speaker 2: and Tommy knows this, so I'm not like throwing him

737
00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:58,080
Speaker 2: under the bus. But I met Tommy after the night

738
00:39:58,120 --> 00:40:02,600
Speaker 2: after he premiered his director debut, which was semi autobiographical.

739
00:40:03,040 --> 00:40:04,560
Speaker 2: I had not seen the movie, but I had read

740
00:40:04,600 --> 00:40:07,680
Speaker 2: about it, and I knew that his mom was addicted

741
00:40:07,719 --> 00:40:11,239
Speaker 2: to crack when he was growing up, and that I

742
00:40:11,320 --> 00:40:13,719
Speaker 2: knew things about the movie, but I didn't know what

743
00:40:13,840 --> 00:40:16,880
Speaker 2: was true and what wasn't. And so as a result

744
00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:19,239
Speaker 2: of the film reading about it, I was able to

745
00:40:19,280 --> 00:40:22,440
Speaker 2: be like, well, I don't remember what my specific questions

746
00:40:22,440 --> 00:40:26,279
Speaker 2: were then, but my goal was to understand how that

747
00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:30,640
Speaker 2: affected him, understand what their relationship was then, what their

748
00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:35,319
Speaker 2: relationship is now. Understand I learned that his father wasn't

749
00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:37,400
Speaker 2: in his life, so it wasn't like there was a balance,

750
00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:40,760
Speaker 2: you know. I learned all of that very quickly. And

751
00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:44,200
Speaker 2: I wouldn't say that I completely did my due diligence either,

752
00:40:44,280 --> 00:40:46,920
Speaker 2: like I one hundred percent thought that I did, But

753
00:40:47,840 --> 00:40:53,640
Speaker 2: I like asking questions and then observing and I don't know,

754
00:40:53,719 --> 00:40:57,680
Speaker 2: digging deeper is still very important. And so my goal

755
00:40:57,800 --> 00:41:00,919
Speaker 2: at that time was like, let me figure out how

756
00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:03,440
Speaker 2: healed he is or isn't. You know, like not that

757
00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:05,920
Speaker 2: it either was a deal breaker, but I wanted to understand.

758
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:12,560
Speaker 2: And so then knowing that like someone's description of how

759
00:41:12,600 --> 00:41:18,560
Speaker 2: they are isn't necessarily reality, and so there was a

760
00:41:18,600 --> 00:41:24,440
Speaker 2: process of really learning each other and hah, girls. When

761
00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:29,040
Speaker 2: when we met, my father passed away thirty days prior,

762
00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:34,160
Speaker 2: so I was in this state of I was find

763
00:41:34,239 --> 00:41:36,080
Speaker 2: like my father had prostay cancer.

764
00:41:35,840 --> 00:41:37,360
Speaker 4: So I knew was coming.

765
00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:41,880
Speaker 2: It's not the same as like a surprise, but you know,

766
00:41:41,960 --> 00:41:45,439
Speaker 2: we're both meeting at this time and at this time

767
00:41:45,520 --> 00:41:48,920
Speaker 2: that's just really pivotal in both of our lives. And

768
00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:51,480
Speaker 2: I also like heard what I wanted to hear and

769
00:41:51,840 --> 00:41:55,440
Speaker 2: I'm you know, and so there's a lot of unpacking

770
00:41:55,480 --> 00:41:57,120
Speaker 2: of that that we had to do later. But I

771
00:41:57,160 --> 00:42:00,719
Speaker 2: bring all that up to say, pay attention to yourself too. Yeah,

772
00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:03,120
Speaker 2: I don't know if there's specific questions as much as

773
00:42:03,840 --> 00:42:07,000
Speaker 2: figure out what matters to you. Figure out like what

774
00:42:07,080 --> 00:42:09,560
Speaker 2: does do you want someone who goes to therapy or

775
00:42:09,600 --> 00:42:10,920
Speaker 2: wants to go to therapy or is willing to go

776
00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:14,920
Speaker 2: to therapy? Do you want someone who talks about their

777
00:42:15,280 --> 00:42:19,680
Speaker 2: emotional intelligence or you know, like what matters to you?

778
00:42:19,760 --> 00:42:21,640
Speaker 2: And then yeah, I think it's important to go ahead

779
00:42:21,640 --> 00:42:23,680
Speaker 2: and ask those questions straight up. One thing I did

780
00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:25,719
Speaker 2: ask I knew I wanted to get married. I knew

781
00:42:25,719 --> 00:42:27,719
Speaker 2: that I didn't want to just we met at a

782
00:42:27,719 --> 00:42:31,560
Speaker 2: film festival where you know, hookups happened, so I wasn't

783
00:42:31,640 --> 00:42:34,120
Speaker 2: sure in the first couple of days at the festivals.

784
00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:36,480
Speaker 2: We were at the festival knowing each other for like

785
00:42:36,840 --> 00:42:39,960
Speaker 2: two days, two three days, two nights I think, and

786
00:42:40,239 --> 00:42:43,080
Speaker 2: every day he was like trying to like make something happen.

787
00:42:43,239 --> 00:42:46,960
Speaker 2: It didn't happen, but you know, something as sexy something.

788
00:42:47,120 --> 00:42:51,320
Speaker 2: So fast forward to a week later. Yeah, I forgot

789
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:53,000
Speaker 2: we can say whatever we want. So I'm over here

790
00:42:53,000 --> 00:42:54,320
Speaker 2: trying to be vague and I was like, y'all know

791
00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:56,879
Speaker 2: what I'm saying. So fast forward to a week later

792
00:42:56,920 --> 00:42:59,160
Speaker 2: when we met again in LA, when we intentionally went

793
00:42:59,160 --> 00:43:00,600
Speaker 2: on a date in LA, Like, I don't know if

794
00:43:00,600 --> 00:43:02,880
Speaker 2: this dude is just trying to close the deal or

795
00:43:03,520 --> 00:43:06,920
Speaker 2: or what. So I went into that date like, what

796
00:43:07,080 --> 00:43:11,040
Speaker 2: are your greatest fears, you know, like what do you

797
00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:13,160
Speaker 2: want out of life? Do you want to be married?

798
00:43:13,239 --> 00:43:17,120
Speaker 2: I went into it asking those questions, and once I

799
00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:20,040
Speaker 2: had those answers, then it was just like, Okay, well

800
00:43:20,040 --> 00:43:22,200
Speaker 2: do we like each other? Now I know he wants

801
00:43:22,239 --> 00:43:25,640
Speaker 2: what I want, he wants to be married, he wants kids.

802
00:43:25,880 --> 00:43:26,640
Speaker 4: We're good there.

803
00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:28,799
Speaker 2: Let me just make sure like we like each other

804
00:43:29,400 --> 00:43:30,560
Speaker 2: enough to continue this.

805
00:43:31,520 --> 00:43:34,480
Speaker 5: So that is so powerful. You hit the nail on

806
00:43:34,520 --> 00:43:34,839
Speaker 5: the head.

807
00:43:35,960 --> 00:43:40,759
Speaker 3: Yes, I love that. I love like asking those questions, right,

808
00:43:40,800 --> 00:43:45,520
Speaker 3: those tough questions up fun because then that also allows

809
00:43:45,560 --> 00:43:49,440
Speaker 3: you that space to see how ready is that person

810
00:43:49,640 --> 00:43:55,239
Speaker 3: for any type of serious conversation exactly, and in a

811
00:43:55,320 --> 00:43:59,319
Speaker 3: serious relationship, because if they are evading, because it goes

812
00:43:59,320 --> 00:44:02,920
Speaker 3: back to observing and paying attention right that if they go,

813
00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:07,640
Speaker 3: if they are evading the question, or they get turned

814
00:44:07,640 --> 00:44:12,000
Speaker 3: off by you asking the question, then they're not ready

815
00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:14,200
Speaker 3: for you. They're not the right person for you right now.

816
00:44:15,040 --> 00:44:19,239
Speaker 3: And so I think all of that is so important.

817
00:44:19,719 --> 00:44:24,720
Speaker 3: But the question that I'm curious about is how yours

818
00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:31,359
Speaker 3: and Tommy's relationship has evolved through the making of Black Love, right,

819
00:44:31,440 --> 00:44:35,200
Speaker 3: because you all have have something that most of us

820
00:44:35,239 --> 00:44:38,960
Speaker 3: have not had the opportunity to have. And that's access

821
00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:44,759
Speaker 3: to over two hundred peak couples, right and getting insight

822
00:44:45,360 --> 00:44:49,920
Speaker 3: from over two hundred couples. And I know there's lots

823
00:44:49,920 --> 00:44:52,960
Speaker 3: of lessons that have been learned, But how has it

824
00:44:53,160 --> 00:44:58,120
Speaker 3: personally changed your relationship? Y'all started out engaged, now you're

825
00:44:58,160 --> 00:45:02,279
Speaker 3: married with kids. How has your relationship evolved because of

826
00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:02,680
Speaker 3: the work.

827
00:45:04,120 --> 00:45:07,319
Speaker 2: You know, Tommy has a saying that just because you

828
00:45:07,640 --> 00:45:10,960
Speaker 2: know something doesn't mean it's committed to muscle memory.

829
00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:14,200
Speaker 4: And the truth.

830
00:45:14,040 --> 00:45:17,560
Speaker 2: Is, like we met, got engaged after six months, We

831
00:45:17,600 --> 00:45:19,120
Speaker 2: got married eleven months after that.

832
00:45:19,200 --> 00:45:20,480
Speaker 4: We had our first son.

833
00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:23,160
Speaker 2: One year, No, a year and a half later, yeah,

834
00:45:23,239 --> 00:45:24,839
Speaker 2: a year and a half later, and then we had

835
00:45:24,880 --> 00:45:27,319
Speaker 2: twins two years after that. And all while we were

836
00:45:27,320 --> 00:45:31,160
Speaker 2: building Black Love and our production company in Confluential Films,

837
00:45:31,160 --> 00:45:34,000
Speaker 2: which is a film and TV production company and financier,

838
00:45:34,719 --> 00:45:37,399
Speaker 2: and so we were doing the most and it put

839
00:45:37,440 --> 00:45:40,799
Speaker 2: a strain on our relationship. And it put and not

840
00:45:40,920 --> 00:45:42,839
Speaker 2: just like a strain as much as like sometimes you're

841
00:45:42,880 --> 00:45:45,440
Speaker 2: just ships passing, which can be a strain too, but

842
00:45:45,880 --> 00:45:48,680
Speaker 2: not like there's conflict and then there's just like, oh,

843
00:45:48,760 --> 00:45:52,920
Speaker 2: I haven't seen you today, which don't necessarily aren't necessarily

844
00:45:53,000 --> 00:45:56,440
Speaker 2: the same. And so all of that was happening, and

845
00:45:56,560 --> 00:45:58,759
Speaker 2: I you know, when we had the twins, I used

846
00:45:58,800 --> 00:46:03,200
Speaker 2: to say like, oh, our relationship is just starting because

847
00:46:03,360 --> 00:46:08,719
Speaker 2: we are just like getting out of the parenting, not parenting,

848
00:46:09,520 --> 00:46:17,640
Speaker 2: the hormonal like pregnancy, postpartum phase, and so there's so

849
00:46:17,800 --> 00:46:19,560
Speaker 2: much that we know, and there's so much we can

850
00:46:19,640 --> 00:46:22,840
Speaker 2: draw upon. But like I said, it's not necessarily committed

851
00:46:22,840 --> 00:46:25,080
Speaker 2: to muscle memory. And so I think that now we're

852
00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:28,960
Speaker 2: in a place where we can look back on a

853
00:46:29,040 --> 00:46:31,440
Speaker 2: couple stories. There were moments, right we would be in

854
00:46:31,440 --> 00:46:33,799
Speaker 2: an interview and we may see something and be like, oh,

855
00:46:33,920 --> 00:46:36,560
Speaker 2: that really like speaks to me like can you just

856
00:46:36,640 --> 00:46:38,200
Speaker 2: do what he did and tell me and be like no,

857
00:46:38,400 --> 00:46:41,719
Speaker 2: that's not my personality. So it was hard, it was

858
00:46:41,880 --> 00:46:44,640
Speaker 2: it was challenging at times. But I think now we're

859
00:46:44,640 --> 00:46:46,080
Speaker 2: in a place where we can look back at that

860
00:46:46,440 --> 00:46:50,080
Speaker 2: and really pull from it from a more mature place

861
00:46:50,840 --> 00:46:53,040
Speaker 2: with the kids, Like, it was just a lot, It

862
00:46:53,120 --> 00:46:53,680
Speaker 2: was just a.

863
00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:57,760
Speaker 5: Lot, see soda. It's the transparency for me because someone

864
00:46:57,760 --> 00:47:00,520
Speaker 5: could have been like, oh, two hundred interviews are relationship.

865
00:47:00,560 --> 00:47:03,600
Speaker 5: Oh it's just it's perfect, but that's the way we

866
00:47:03,680 --> 00:47:07,279
Speaker 5: have access to It doesn't necessarily community memory or that. Yeah,

867
00:47:07,880 --> 00:47:09,839
Speaker 5: we could literally talk to you all day, but we

868
00:47:09,920 --> 00:47:13,160
Speaker 5: appreciate you so much. We appreciate the brands that you're

869
00:47:13,160 --> 00:47:15,920
Speaker 5: building and what you're doing for the culture and the community.

870
00:47:16,280 --> 00:47:18,680
Speaker 5: This is just such impactful work and we love for

871
00:47:18,760 --> 00:47:21,120
Speaker 5: our listeners to connect with you. So please let them

872
00:47:21,160 --> 00:47:23,400
Speaker 5: know where they can find you, where they can support,

873
00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:26,440
Speaker 5: wish your cashap. I mean, just just tell them everything.

874
00:47:26,680 --> 00:47:28,439
Speaker 4: I wish I knew, I wish I knew my cash

875
00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:29,319
Speaker 4: I don't know it.

876
00:47:29,960 --> 00:47:34,680
Speaker 2: So y'all can follow me at Cody co that's my Instagram,

877
00:47:34,760 --> 00:47:37,600
Speaker 2: and then black Love is of course the brand, and

878
00:47:37,920 --> 00:47:40,480
Speaker 2: please download the Black Lives Plus app. It is free

879
00:47:40,640 --> 00:47:43,520
Speaker 2: for the foreseeable future on your phone on your tv.

880
00:47:43,840 --> 00:47:46,000
Speaker 2: You can watch every season of Black Love and addition

881
00:47:46,080 --> 00:47:49,080
Speaker 2: to several other of our series, our video series. We

882
00:47:49,120 --> 00:47:52,279
Speaker 2: also have a podcast network. If we got some mamas here,

883
00:47:52,560 --> 00:47:55,640
Speaker 2: we have one called The Mama's Den, which I host

884
00:47:55,680 --> 00:47:58,799
Speaker 2: with three of my friends. And we have the Black

885
00:47:58,840 --> 00:48:02,239
Speaker 2: Live Summit coming up next month, and we hope that

886
00:48:02,320 --> 00:48:05,680
Speaker 2: y'all will go to Blacklove dot com, slash summit for

887
00:48:05,719 --> 00:48:09,960
Speaker 2: more information and that's it. Please support, Please tell us

888
00:48:10,000 --> 00:48:12,400
Speaker 2: what you want, more of, what you love, what you

889
00:48:12,480 --> 00:48:15,839
Speaker 2: don't like. We are here to serve and to really

890
00:48:15,880 --> 00:48:20,759
Speaker 2: create conversation, and create conversation that really changes the way

891
00:48:20,840 --> 00:48:24,239
Speaker 2: our community thinks about relationships and the love we have

892
00:48:24,400 --> 00:48:28,320
Speaker 2: for ourselves and our partners and friends and family.

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00:48:29,239 --> 00:48:30,400
Speaker 5: Thank you so much, Kobe.

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00:48:30,440 --> 00:48:34,520
Speaker 2: This was awesome, no problem, Thanks for having me.

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00:48:36,120 --> 00:48:39,600
Speaker 7: Hey lady, it's Terry here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.

896
00:48:39,960 --> 00:48:42,759
Speaker 7: I'm hosting a free podcasting masterclass where I'm going to

897
00:48:42,800 --> 00:48:46,399
Speaker 7: teach you how to create your impactful podcast and how

898
00:48:46,440 --> 00:48:49,479
Speaker 7: you can generate multiple streams of income. You can visit

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00:48:49,600 --> 00:48:53,440
Speaker 7: podcast with Terry dot com to register for free. I

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00:48:53,440 --> 00:48:54,320
Speaker 7: hope to see you there.

901
00:48:56,239 --> 00:49:00,480
Speaker 3: Thanks for joining us today. Please note that our show

902
00:49:00,520 --> 00:49:06,440
Speaker 3: may contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment, and

903
00:49:06,560 --> 00:49:09,680
Speaker 3: mental health, but is by no means meant to be

904
00:49:09,719 --> 00:49:14,000
Speaker 3: a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained

905
00:49:14,040 --> 00:49:18,080
Speaker 3: mental health provider. If you are someone you know is

906
00:49:18,120 --> 00:49:21,440
Speaker 3: in need of mental health care, please visit a Therapy

907
00:49:21,480 --> 00:49:27,400
Speaker 3: for Black Girls directory Psychology today or contact your insurance provider.

908
00:49:27,760 --> 00:49:29,440
Speaker 5: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

909
00:49:29,440 --> 00:49:33,360
Speaker 5: the conversation going. Connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and

910
00:49:33,440 --> 00:49:38,200
Speaker 5: Twitter at her space podcast or check out our website

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00:49:38,239 --> 00:49:41,279
Speaker 5: at herspace podcast dot com. And before we meet again,

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00:49:41,800 --> 00:49:47,000
Speaker 5: repeat after me. I attract abundance and prosperity with ease