1 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:13,200 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of 2 00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:16,720 Speaker 1: couch Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat. 3 00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,440 Speaker 1: I am the host, and I'm very glad you're here. 4 00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:22,600 Speaker 1: If you're new and you don't know what couch Talks is, 5 00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:25,840 Speaker 1: it is the bonus episode of You Need Therapy that 6 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:29,480 Speaker 1: comes out every single Wednesday, where I answer questions that 7 00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:31,720 Speaker 1: you guys send to me and if you have a question, 8 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:35,599 Speaker 1: you can send that to Katherine at Need Therapy podcast 9 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:39,080 Speaker 1: dot com and then maybe one day I'll answer it. 10 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:43,839 Speaker 1: Quick reminder up top, especially for couch Talks, is that 11 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:46,800 Speaker 1: although I'm a therapist and although on this episode I'm 12 00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:50,000 Speaker 1: answering some of your questions, this podcast still does not 13 00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:55,120 Speaker 1: serve as a substitute or a replacement for mental health services, 14 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:58,920 Speaker 1: including therapy in itself, although it might lead you to therapy, 15 00:00:58,960 --> 00:00:59,600 Speaker 1: and we love. 16 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:00,720 Speaker 2: That, really do love that. 17 00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:03,640 Speaker 1: So this week we have one question, and if you 18 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:07,000 Speaker 1: are new again, we always like to keep these anonymous 19 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:10,240 Speaker 1: because you know, touchy things and sometimes we just like 20 00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:13,440 Speaker 1: to send in questions and have nobody know that we 21 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:16,679 Speaker 1: ask them. And you know what, I'm glad because I 22 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:19,120 Speaker 1: think a lot of people send in questions especially this 23 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:22,080 Speaker 1: one that a lot of people can relate to, so 24 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:25,160 Speaker 1: it doesn't really matter who sent it in because a 25 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,600 Speaker 1: lot of us are wondering the answer, which is why 26 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:30,720 Speaker 1: more than one person listens to the podcast, which I'm 27 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:34,199 Speaker 1: very grateful for. Thank you, guys. And also if you're new, 28 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:36,680 Speaker 1: and even if you're not new and you just haven't 29 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:40,600 Speaker 1: done this, I would love, love, love, love love for 30 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:43,480 Speaker 1: you guys to write the podcast, maybe even leave a comment. 31 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:46,120 Speaker 1: That would be super cool, and you can do that 32 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:48,680 Speaker 1: on Apple Podcasts and guys, you can do that on 33 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:53,560 Speaker 1: Spotify now as well. So if you have not honestly listen, 34 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:57,560 Speaker 1: I was listening to listen as if you weren't listening, 35 00:01:58,200 --> 00:01:59,920 Speaker 1: maybe you are not. Sometimes I zone out when i'm 36 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:03,640 Speaker 1: like to podcast. But I was listening to an episode 37 00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:07,480 Speaker 1: of The Morning Toast, which is my newest podcast obsession. 38 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:11,080 Speaker 1: It is so funny. I love a lot of certain 39 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:14,520 Speaker 1: podcasts because I like people's voices, Like I don't know 40 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:19,200 Speaker 1: how to describe that. It's not Asomar, but certain podcasts 41 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:22,800 Speaker 1: I do like listening to because the host's voices. And 42 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:27,200 Speaker 1: I found The Morning Toast through like a TikTok video 43 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:30,800 Speaker 1: because they got a TikTok, and I love Jackie's voice, 44 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:32,919 Speaker 1: like she just has this like New York access. Just 45 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,920 Speaker 1: the way they enunciate things. I don't know, they're just 46 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,440 Speaker 1: silly in the way that they speak. Anyway, that's not important. 47 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:42,560 Speaker 1: But I was listening to one of their episodes last 48 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:45,960 Speaker 1: week and I highly recommend it. It's just silly pop culture. 49 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:49,680 Speaker 1: They talk about their lives and I listen. I think 50 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:52,360 Speaker 1: a lot of people listen to their podcast. I'm getting 51 00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:55,320 Speaker 1: to the point. They were talking about how they put 52 00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:57,560 Speaker 1: the podcast out for free, and they're like, we put 53 00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:59,799 Speaker 1: this podcast out for free, and you get this for free, 54 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:00,720 Speaker 1: and and we. 55 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,000 Speaker 2: Do this and we want to continue to do that 56 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:02,320 Speaker 2: for you. 57 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:05,000 Speaker 1: And only thing we ask of you is that you 58 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,800 Speaker 1: follow us on YouTube, even if you don't ever want 59 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:09,160 Speaker 1: to watch us on YouTube. Now I don't have a YouTube, 60 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:12,320 Speaker 1: but I really liked their strategy. She's a comedian, so 61 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:14,760 Speaker 1: she was being funny, but she was like, if every 62 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:17,440 Speaker 1: single person that listens to this podcast doesn't go subscribe 63 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:20,120 Speaker 1: to a YouTube channel, I'm gonna make every episode cost 64 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:23,239 Speaker 1: like one million dollars. Now I don't think she's really 65 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:24,640 Speaker 1: gonna do that, but I thought it was funny, and 66 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:27,600 Speaker 1: I liked her point, like, podcasts are free for the most. 67 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:30,919 Speaker 2: Part, and so all we really want from you. 68 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,840 Speaker 1: Is to like support us in ways that help the 69 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:37,720 Speaker 1: podcast be shared and spread. And one of the ways 70 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:40,960 Speaker 1: that is is wating them. So that is my long 71 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:45,360 Speaker 1: wited way to say, please give us a rady Okay, 72 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:49,000 Speaker 1: now let's get to the question for today. I got 73 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:51,160 Speaker 1: this one last week and was like, immediately, we're doing 74 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:53,320 Speaker 1: this next week and emailed her back. So here is 75 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:58,040 Speaker 1: the question, and then after we will talk about it together. Hey, Kat, 76 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:04,240 Speaker 1: my questions on how to approach friends slash family who 77 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:08,880 Speaker 1: make negative comments about how they feel you're operating outside 78 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:13,760 Speaker 1: of in quote societal norms. For example, my boyfriend is 79 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,400 Speaker 1: five and a half years younger than I am. I'm thirty, 80 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:20,240 Speaker 1: he's twenty four. This hasn't been a problem for us whatsoever, 81 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:23,919 Speaker 1: but lately, the closer we get to talking about engagement, 82 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:28,599 Speaker 1: people have been questioning are in quotes age gap and 83 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:31,040 Speaker 1: then in parentheses, she writes, and maybe you can relate 84 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:33,680 Speaker 1: because I heard Amy joke briefly about your boyfriend being 85 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:37,680 Speaker 1: younger than you. There's so many dating relationships that fit 86 00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:39,200 Speaker 1: outside societal norms. 87 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,000 Speaker 2: Though, so I. 88 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:42,520 Speaker 1: Can't be alone in this any ideas on how to 89 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,920 Speaker 1: talk to people about this. Many blessings to you, your 90 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:50,080 Speaker 1: friend in Colorado, and yeah, gosh, you're not alone in 91 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:53,320 Speaker 1: this at all. There are many ways that people have 92 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:57,240 Speaker 1: very successful, healthy relationships that don't always fit in the 93 00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:01,599 Speaker 1: norms that society places on relationships. Age gaps are super 94 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:06,159 Speaker 1: interesting to me, especially because if there is an age gap, 95 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:10,320 Speaker 1: specifically in like a heterosexual relationship, then usually it's the 96 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:13,680 Speaker 1: guy that's older, and like he's also not more than 97 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:17,840 Speaker 1: like five years older, and well, that can feel like 98 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,839 Speaker 1: really limiting, like if we can only date people that 99 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:23,040 Speaker 1: are in this age limit and only this person is 100 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:24,680 Speaker 1: allowed to be older and this and that, it's like, 101 00:05:24,839 --> 00:05:26,880 Speaker 1: why does it even really matter? We have to ask 102 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:30,359 Speaker 1: ourselves why are we making this a big deal? And 103 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,680 Speaker 1: if we don't have a reason, then like that's where 104 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,599 Speaker 1: we have to kind of like put a stop sign, 105 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:37,120 Speaker 1: because if we operate within those norms, the pool of 106 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:39,040 Speaker 1: people we are willing to date is just going to 107 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,120 Speaker 1: be drastically smaller. 108 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,840 Speaker 2: Than it already feels like it is for a lot 109 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:43,320 Speaker 2: of people. 110 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:46,359 Speaker 1: And for what reason, that seems kind of silly, just 111 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:50,680 Speaker 1: because it's been that way. I really, you know, struggle 112 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:53,240 Speaker 1: with the this is like a side note, but struggle 113 00:05:53,279 --> 00:05:55,600 Speaker 1: with that idea that people say, like, well. 114 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:57,640 Speaker 2: It's always been that way, We've always done it that way. 115 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:00,600 Speaker 2: It's always just okay, we get it. I get it. 116 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:04,520 Speaker 1: And like I think, in certain circumstances and certain situations, 117 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,680 Speaker 1: tradition is super important. But when it comes to like 118 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:11,120 Speaker 1: societal norms on who we can date and why and 119 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,560 Speaker 1: all of that, it's a little bit silly because as 120 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:16,039 Speaker 1: time moves on, things change and we're allowed to change 121 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:20,480 Speaker 1: with those things. That's a whole topic for another day anyway. Now, 122 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,600 Speaker 1: the first thing I really want to say here besides that, 123 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,680 Speaker 1: is that just because something isn't normal, it doesn't necessarily 124 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:28,880 Speaker 1: mean it's bad or wrong or something you should be 125 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:34,400 Speaker 1: extra cautious about. Like something being not normal doesn't automatically 126 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:37,520 Speaker 1: equal bad. And I think that is something that we 127 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:40,000 Speaker 1: need to get a little bit more comfortable with as 128 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:43,400 Speaker 1: a whole, because even I can be that way when 129 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,120 Speaker 1: people operate outside of what I would do or what 130 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:48,160 Speaker 1: I think is normal, it doesn't mean that what those 131 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:49,560 Speaker 1: people are doing is bad. 132 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:50,760 Speaker 2: I'm just not used to it. 133 00:06:50,839 --> 00:06:53,080 Speaker 1: And I think this is probably what a lot of 134 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:56,440 Speaker 1: your friends and your family are coming at you around like, 135 00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:58,400 Speaker 1: we're just not used to this, so we don't really 136 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,960 Speaker 1: comprehend how this can be okay and not have any 137 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:05,599 Speaker 1: issues or repercussions or things that you kind of want to, 138 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:08,760 Speaker 1: like take a second look at what works or makes 139 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:12,680 Speaker 1: sense for one person may seem outrageous to another person, 140 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:17,400 Speaker 1: and it's just simply because we're created all very differently, 141 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:21,119 Speaker 1: and also because we're created all very differently, different things 142 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:24,640 Speaker 1: are going to work for different people. Just like there's 143 00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:28,520 Speaker 1: not one way to eat or one way to exercise, 144 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:31,480 Speaker 1: so not like one way that is the way to 145 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,280 Speaker 1: live our lives and date, Which is another reason why 146 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:37,400 Speaker 1: I do have some issues with dating coaches and all that. 147 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:40,280 Speaker 1: I've talked about that on the podcast a lot before, 148 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:44,880 Speaker 1: because they give this like oversimplified generic advice saying this 149 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:46,480 Speaker 1: is what's right, this is what's wrong, this is what 150 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,560 Speaker 1: you should do, this is what you shouldn't, And when 151 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:51,680 Speaker 1: it comes down to it, there's a million bajillion ways 152 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:56,320 Speaker 1: to date successfully. Now, like I said, this can be 153 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,320 Speaker 1: hard for people to comprehend. We get stuck in our 154 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:00,560 Speaker 1: own brains and how our brains make sense of the 155 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:03,560 Speaker 1: world and what feels right to us, and we just 156 00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:07,080 Speaker 1: can't imagine things working for others that don't work for us. 157 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:09,720 Speaker 1: We get like static in our way of understanding and 158 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:13,600 Speaker 1: thinking and lack really mental flexibility to sit with the 159 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:14,960 Speaker 1: idea that, again. 160 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:17,000 Speaker 2: We are all different and we need different things. 161 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,800 Speaker 1: And when it comes to dating, what a lot of 162 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,320 Speaker 1: people are looking at. What people are looking for is 163 00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:25,440 Speaker 1: how they show up and not necessarily their age. For example, 164 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:28,880 Speaker 1: I dated somebody for about a year who was seven 165 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,760 Speaker 1: years older than me that felt more. 166 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,600 Speaker 2: My age than older. 167 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,360 Speaker 1: He was thirty four and I was around twenty seven 168 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:40,000 Speaker 1: twenty eight, and honestly, at times he felt younger than me, 169 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:46,160 Speaker 1: especially in some of the emotional regulation flexibility stuff. I 170 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:48,480 Speaker 1: think I assumed at that time in my life that 171 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:50,640 Speaker 1: he was more mature just because he was older, But 172 00:08:50,679 --> 00:08:54,640 Speaker 1: that wasn't necessarily right, and I didn't feel that age 173 00:08:54,679 --> 00:08:57,000 Speaker 1: gap when I really look back on it, other than 174 00:08:57,040 --> 00:09:00,600 Speaker 1: when I look at his finances and his career because 175 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,560 Speaker 1: he had seven more years to work on his career 176 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:04,680 Speaker 1: than I did. I was kind of just starting out 177 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,360 Speaker 1: and I'm now dating someone who's younger than me and 178 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,840 Speaker 1: he's younger than me by three and a half years, 179 00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:11,439 Speaker 1: which doesn't sound. 180 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,200 Speaker 2: Like a lot. And I also think that this we 181 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:13,640 Speaker 2: play this. 182 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:16,160 Speaker 1: Weird game where we're like, well, it matters when like 183 00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:19,160 Speaker 1: they're twenty one and he's twenty seven, but it doesn't 184 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:22,160 Speaker 1: matter when they're forty and she's forty seven or something 185 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:25,520 Speaker 1: like that. And I get that because again, we're thinking 186 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:29,679 Speaker 1: mature wise, like we're thinking life stage wise. That makes 187 00:09:29,679 --> 00:09:32,920 Speaker 1: a lot more of a difference than just their age 188 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,000 Speaker 1: of like, yeah, a nineteen year old who is in 189 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,280 Speaker 1: college is going to be a different life stage most 190 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:41,439 Speaker 1: likely than somebody who's thirty one. We can assume that 191 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:44,120 Speaker 1: when you get into the forties or the fifties or 192 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:46,320 Speaker 1: even some of like the later thirties, that's not going 193 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:49,920 Speaker 1: to be as big of a gap. But again, everybody's different. 194 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:53,439 Speaker 1: What is true is that it's not about the age necessarily. 195 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:57,000 Speaker 1: It's about compatibility lifestyle wise, how do we fit? 196 00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:58,680 Speaker 2: Goal wise? How do we fit? 197 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,439 Speaker 1: Dating somebody or age who never wants to get married 198 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:04,360 Speaker 1: makes less sense than dating someone five years younger than you. 199 00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:04,920 Speaker 2: That does. 200 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,120 Speaker 1: Dating someone your age who doesn't match your needs doesn't 201 00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:13,360 Speaker 1: make sense just because it looks more normal. So all 202 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,360 Speaker 1: of this to say, I'm sorry that you've been getting 203 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:19,000 Speaker 1: kind of like the brunt of this like mental inflexibility, 204 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:22,679 Speaker 1: And it's very possible. I think that some of the 205 00:10:22,679 --> 00:10:25,280 Speaker 1: people around you just really have no idea how you're 206 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,480 Speaker 1: feeling when they make those comments. So I think it's 207 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:30,760 Speaker 1: very very smart of you to be wondering and to 208 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,080 Speaker 1: be proactive about how to let them know what's going 209 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:35,600 Speaker 1: on inside of you when you hear some of their comments. 210 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:39,480 Speaker 1: And like most confrontations that I talk about with my 211 00:10:39,559 --> 00:10:42,440 Speaker 1: clients or on this show, you don't have to make 212 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:46,640 Speaker 1: this a big, huge, like sit down we need to 213 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:50,880 Speaker 1: talk scary or deal. You get to approach this just 214 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:55,040 Speaker 1: like a normal conversation. I think sometimes we just amp 215 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,319 Speaker 1: things up in our minds so much and we make 216 00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:01,000 Speaker 1: them into these huge situations in this tangled mess when 217 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:03,600 Speaker 1: we're really just trying to do something very simple. Sharing 218 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:07,160 Speaker 1: and feeling should be fairly simple, and if that is 219 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,400 Speaker 1: blown out of proportion by the other party, there isn't 220 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,400 Speaker 1: really much you can do. So as long as you 221 00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:14,600 Speaker 1: can approach us in a kind regulated way, then I 222 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:18,240 Speaker 1: think that this can be pretty easy. Although some people 223 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:21,600 Speaker 1: just struggle with any kind of confrontation, even if it's 224 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,600 Speaker 1: a carrying low stakes one. So I do have some 225 00:11:24,679 --> 00:11:27,040 Speaker 1: empathy for that. I don't want to minimize that this 226 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:29,880 Speaker 1: can be really, actually kind of hard for people. Now 227 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:33,679 Speaker 1: I have a little template to have intentional confrontations, and 228 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,680 Speaker 1: it just basically goes like this. I've talked about this before. 229 00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:40,679 Speaker 1: When you blank, I feel blank. The story I make 230 00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:42,920 Speaker 1: up in my head or the judgment I make up 231 00:11:43,559 --> 00:11:45,920 Speaker 1: is blank, and then you kind of just check in 232 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,760 Speaker 1: with them, does that fit? 233 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,400 Speaker 2: Is that right? Am I off? 234 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,880 Speaker 1: And then they can say yes or no, and then 235 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:53,440 Speaker 1: you can follow up with what I. 236 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:55,720 Speaker 2: Need is blank, and you kind of just like stay 237 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:56,120 Speaker 2: in need. 238 00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:58,960 Speaker 1: So I wonder for you, what would it be like 239 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:01,120 Speaker 1: for you to say, Hey, when I hear you say 240 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:05,120 Speaker 1: X like something about your boyfriend being younger than you, 241 00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:07,920 Speaker 1: I feel bummed out and sad. And the story makeup 242 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,560 Speaker 1: is that you're judging my relationship in a negative way 243 00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:13,640 Speaker 1: rather than supporting me and being excited for my happiness. 244 00:12:13,679 --> 00:12:15,760 Speaker 1: And I just wanted to kind of check in and 245 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:18,320 Speaker 1: see how this fits because it's been on my mind 246 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,160 Speaker 1: and it's something that I kind of don't want to 247 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,120 Speaker 1: have keep happening within us when we talk about my relationship, 248 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:26,360 Speaker 1: and I think again, it's fair to say maybe in 249 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:28,920 Speaker 1: their heads they're just trying to support you by helping 250 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,520 Speaker 1: you think about things that you might have not thought about. 251 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,240 Speaker 1: So this could open up a space to have a 252 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:37,040 Speaker 1: really fruitful conversation where you can just see where your 253 00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:42,160 Speaker 1: lines maybe didn't cross the right times, and maybe they 254 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:43,800 Speaker 1: would be like, oh my gosh, I had no idea, 255 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:46,040 Speaker 1: that's not what I meant. Or they can say like, I, 256 00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:49,240 Speaker 1: you're right, like I am judging, and I guess I 257 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:51,520 Speaker 1: just don't really understand how these things don't bother you. 258 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:55,120 Speaker 1: So help me understand now. Again, Like I said, if 259 00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:58,120 Speaker 1: you are going to have this conversation, and if you 260 00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,280 Speaker 1: do it in a regulated way, there shouldn't be a 261 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:04,440 Speaker 1: huge abruption. It shouldn't be that big of a scary, 262 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:07,920 Speaker 1: big bad conversation. However, if you're having this conversation with 263 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:12,480 Speaker 1: somebody that lacks any kind of flexibility, any kind of empathy, 264 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:16,640 Speaker 1: any kind of emotional regulation, then you are opening yourself 265 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:19,480 Speaker 1: up to something that might not be super helpful. So 266 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:23,160 Speaker 1: before you have this conversation, I would, especially coming off 267 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,400 Speaker 1: of the Tales of the episode we did on Monday 268 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:28,040 Speaker 1: about narcissism. You have to make sure that like who 269 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:30,800 Speaker 1: you're going to is somebody who is able to be 270 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:34,720 Speaker 1: regulated and stable. And even though you might get in 271 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,599 Speaker 1: little TIFFs sometimes or have disagreements or not see I 272 00:13:37,679 --> 00:13:39,480 Speaker 1: to eye on everything, they do have the ability to 273 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:42,720 Speaker 1: be regulated and caring and loving. And most likely if 274 00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:44,760 Speaker 1: you're talking to your friends about your relationship or your 275 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,960 Speaker 1: family and they're getting certain details of your relationship, that 276 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,360 Speaker 1: they are carrying people but you never know. 277 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:52,520 Speaker 2: So I hope that is helpful. 278 00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:54,720 Speaker 1: And you need to have the relationship that you need 279 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:56,160 Speaker 1: to have, just like you need to have the day 280 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,120 Speaker 1: you need to have, and the day we need to 281 00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:01,560 Speaker 1: have looks different and can look different for all kinds 282 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:05,920 Speaker 1: of people because again, we are all created differently. Maybe 283 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,839 Speaker 1: a new tagline. Yeah, anyway, thank you for a question 284 00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:10,680 Speaker 1: and I hope it was helpful. If you guys have 285 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:14,200 Speaker 1: questions again, you can send them to Katherine at Younedtherapy 286 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:17,400 Speaker 1: podcast dot com and maybe one day. 287 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,040 Speaker 2: It will pop up on the show. 288 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:21,200 Speaker 1: Like I said, I have the day you need to 289 00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,760 Speaker 1: have and I will be back with you guys on Monday. 290 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:30,880 Speaker 2: Bye.