WEBVTT - 7+ Powerful Habits To Avoid Loneliness, Feel Connected And Build Authentic Community 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:04.120 Of course, there are benefits to solitude, but according to 0:00:04.160 --> 0:00:07.560 the National Institute on Aging, the health risks of prolonged 0:00:07.600 --> 0:00:12.680 isolation are equivalent to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. Social 0:00:12.800 --> 0:00:16.720 isolation and loneliness have even been estimated to shorten a 0:00:16.720 --> 0:00:20.680 person's lifespan by as many as fifteen years. All the 0:00:20.760 --> 0:00:25.479 studies show that the quality of our relationships makes a 0:00:25.640 --> 0:00:34.960 huge difference in our life. Hey, everyone, welcome back to 0:00:35.159 --> 0:00:39.400 on Purpose. I am so genuinely grateful that you chose 0:00:39.440 --> 0:00:42.040 to spend some time with me today, whether you're walking, 0:00:42.200 --> 0:00:45.519 whether you're driving, whether you're cooking, whatever you're up to. 0:00:46.240 --> 0:00:50.239 Thank you for choosing on purpose always. I love the 0:00:50.280 --> 0:00:52.960 connection we're developing, and whenever I bump into any of 0:00:52.960 --> 0:00:55.160 you and you tell me you listen it on purpose, 0:00:55.200 --> 0:00:56.480 all I want to do is give you a big 0:00:56.560 --> 0:00:59.680 ug and say thank you, because it truly, truly means 0:00:59.680 --> 0:01:01.240 the world to me. I bumped into a few of 0:01:01.280 --> 0:01:04.080 you who even came to my shows recently at some 0:01:04.160 --> 0:01:08.200 restaurants when I was in LA and it just warms 0:01:08.240 --> 0:01:11.520 my heart to know that we're building this community without 0:01:11.600 --> 0:01:15.720 even knowing how deeply it's impacting all of us, including me. 0:01:16.000 --> 0:01:20.680 So your feedback, your love, your support, your reviews, your 0:01:21.040 --> 0:01:25.080 subscribing to the podcast means so much to me. Now, 0:01:25.959 --> 0:01:28.920 I want to talk today about something that I know 0:01:29.280 --> 0:01:33.080 a lot of us are struggling with in different ways. 0:01:33.560 --> 0:01:37.280 Let's just start with a quick poll. How many of 0:01:37.319 --> 0:01:42.120 you have ever felt lonely? I'm guessing there's quite a 0:01:42.120 --> 0:01:45.360 few of us. How many of you have ever felt 0:01:46.000 --> 0:01:50.400 disconnected from the people around you. I'm guessing there's quite 0:01:50.440 --> 0:01:52.640 a few of us as well. And how many of 0:01:52.680 --> 0:01:57.560 you felt that you don't feel authentically connected to your community, 0:01:58.880 --> 0:02:04.760 that you find yourself having potentially negative judgments, or even 0:02:04.800 --> 0:02:08.000 if it isn't going down that way, you may just 0:02:08.040 --> 0:02:12.240 feel a bit distant from the people around you. I 0:02:12.240 --> 0:02:14.200 want to take a moment to point out that it's 0:02:14.320 --> 0:02:20.960 so natural and normal to want to feel connected. It's 0:02:21.120 --> 0:02:25.880 so normal, so natural, so real to want to feel connected, 0:02:26.960 --> 0:02:29.480 but we don't often know what that means. Right. We 0:02:29.560 --> 0:02:32.160 say things like I don't feel connected to you, I 0:02:32.160 --> 0:02:34.320 don't feel connected to the people around me, I don't 0:02:34.400 --> 0:02:39.359 feel supported. But really, what it means to be connected 0:02:40.480 --> 0:02:46.239 is that you feel seen, you feel heard, you feel understood, 0:02:47.000 --> 0:02:52.680 and you feel valued. Plus you make other people feel seen, 0:02:53.520 --> 0:02:58.120 You make other people feel heard, you try your best 0:02:58.160 --> 0:03:02.600 to understand others, and you intend to make people valued 0:03:03.080 --> 0:03:07.440 for real. This isn't just a technique or a hack 0:03:07.560 --> 0:03:12.280 or an activity. Wanting to be connected requires it to 0:03:12.320 --> 0:03:17.280 be sincere and genuine and real. Now, I want to 0:03:17.320 --> 0:03:20.240 start off by just pointing out how normal it is 0:03:20.280 --> 0:03:24.240 to feel disconnected. Only fifty nine percent of Americans say 0:03:24.240 --> 0:03:27.040 they have a best friend, and twelve percent say they 0:03:27.080 --> 0:03:30.320 feel they have no close friends at all. I'm taking 0:03:30.360 --> 0:03:35.040 this from the rootsof loneliness dot com ridden by doctor 0:03:35.120 --> 0:03:38.960 Christy Hartman, a pH d in psychology, who shared this 0:03:39.160 --> 0:03:43.800 incredible research that she found through the National Library of Medicine, 0:03:44.160 --> 0:03:49.680 the Centers for Disease Control, YUGOV, Health Resources and Services Administration, 0:03:50.280 --> 0:03:54.320 SAGE Journals, Taylor and Francis Online, and others. Fifty two 0:03:54.440 --> 0:04:00.480 percent of Americans report feeling lonely, while forty one percent 0:04:00.600 --> 0:04:04.720 report their relationship with others are not meaningful. So you 0:04:04.760 --> 0:04:07.640 can see those two things there. One is us feeling 0:04:07.720 --> 0:04:10.640 disconnected and removed, and the other one is saying, actually, 0:04:10.720 --> 0:04:13.200 I'm around a lot of people, but I don't feel 0:04:13.200 --> 0:04:15.400 like it's meaningful. How many of You go to a 0:04:15.400 --> 0:04:17.240 lot of parties or a lot of events, you come 0:04:17.279 --> 0:04:20.159 across a lot of people, but you don't really get 0:04:20.200 --> 0:04:24.400 that depth of connection. Right, We've got so lost in 0:04:24.480 --> 0:04:28.640 this breadth and scale of connecting that we've often lost 0:04:29.000 --> 0:04:33.400 the gift and depth of connecting single or not. Fifty 0:04:33.480 --> 0:04:38.599 seven percent of Americans report eating all meals alone. Now 0:04:38.640 --> 0:04:41.039 we've gone from doing an activity that we used to 0:04:41.040 --> 0:04:44.200 do potentially even with your parents. So just like ten, 0:04:44.320 --> 0:04:46.880 fifteen years ago, or maybe just five years ago, you 0:04:46.920 --> 0:04:49.799 were eating every meal surrounded by your family, your siblings, 0:04:49.839 --> 0:04:52.880 your parents, and all of a sudden, now you're eating 0:04:52.920 --> 0:04:54.880 all of your meals alone, whether you're single or not. 0:04:56.240 --> 0:04:59.120 That takes a while to get used to. And as 0:04:59.160 --> 0:05:01.320 we look at the trail across the world, of course 0:05:01.360 --> 0:05:04.279 we're living more separately now we travel across the world. 0:05:04.320 --> 0:05:05.719 Like me and my wife when we moved to New 0:05:05.800 --> 0:05:08.640 York and then we moved to la we now have 0:05:08.760 --> 0:05:11.279 lived without family around us for seven years. If we 0:05:11.360 --> 0:05:13.960 lived in London, we would have been able to visit 0:05:14.000 --> 0:05:17.280 our family every weekend or even in the evenings, whereas 0:05:17.320 --> 0:05:21.479 now we're seeing them after so much more time. So 0:05:22.200 --> 0:05:24.000 there's a lot of shifts also in the way we 0:05:24.080 --> 0:05:27.159 live and the way we conduct our lives that impacts 0:05:27.160 --> 0:05:31.679 how we feel. Fifty two percent of Americans have felt 0:05:31.760 --> 0:05:34.120 left out at some point in their lives. Now, it's 0:05:34.160 --> 0:05:37.120 really interesting, how I think if you thought about the 0:05:37.120 --> 0:05:39.919 first time you felt left out, it might be on 0:05:41.080 --> 0:05:44.000 the field at school, or it might be in the playground. 0:05:44.120 --> 0:05:46.280 And it's interesting how when we get left out as 0:05:46.320 --> 0:05:50.440 an adult, we're triggered back into that mindset of a kid, 0:05:50.960 --> 0:05:54.000 and instead of using our rational, logical brain to make 0:05:54.080 --> 0:05:56.839 sense of it now, we often go back to using 0:05:56.839 --> 0:06:00.560 that child brain to adapt or react or respond to 0:06:00.640 --> 0:06:02.520 what we're experiencing. And we're going to talk about that 0:06:02.600 --> 0:06:06.000 a little bit today. Fifty three percent of Americans cite 0:06:06.120 --> 0:06:09.200 shyness as the reason why it's difficult to make friends. 0:06:09.240 --> 0:06:12.159 How many of you feel shy? I can relate to 0:06:12.160 --> 0:06:13.440 this one. And I know you think you Jay, you're 0:06:13.480 --> 0:06:15.719 not shy at all. Trust me. If I'm in a 0:06:15.760 --> 0:06:17.680 new environment where I don't know anyone, I give you 0:06:17.720 --> 0:06:21.080 one of the shyest people in the world. And at 0:06:21.080 --> 0:06:23.240 the same time, if I'm in an environment where I'm 0:06:23.279 --> 0:06:25.640 flourishing or thriving, I can be the most confident person 0:06:25.680 --> 0:06:29.240 in the room. But I realize that shyness blocks so 0:06:29.320 --> 0:06:32.279 many of us. We've never been taught how to approach someone. 0:06:32.279 --> 0:06:36.279 And what's really interesting is that shyness often gets seen 0:06:36.760 --> 0:06:42.520 as ego or coldness, and often social anxiety gets seen 0:06:42.560 --> 0:06:45.440 in the same way. And so we're looking at other 0:06:45.480 --> 0:06:47.600 people going, oh, they don't seem to care about me 0:06:47.720 --> 0:06:51.160 or find me interesting. They're thinking the same about us. 0:06:51.760 --> 0:06:54.480 Fifty eight percent of Americans reported that they sometimes are 0:06:54.520 --> 0:06:59.080 always feels like no one knows them. Well, maybe you're 0:06:59.120 --> 0:07:03.120 someone who's traveled country. Maybe you've traveled, you know, across 0:07:03.200 --> 0:07:07.640 the world, and no one speaks your language where you live, 0:07:07.800 --> 0:07:10.280 no one really knows your heritage, no one really knows 0:07:10.320 --> 0:07:16.840 your background. It's so fascinating for people to recognize the 0:07:16.960 --> 0:07:21.200 reasons why it's natural for us to feel this way. Now. 0:07:22.160 --> 0:07:26.520 Of course, there are benefits to solitude, but according to 0:07:26.560 --> 0:07:30.000 the National Institute on Aging, the health risks of prolonged 0:07:30.040 --> 0:07:35.600 isolation are equivalent to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. Social 0:07:35.640 --> 0:07:39.560 isolation and loneliness have even been estimated to shorten a 0:07:39.600 --> 0:07:43.960 person's lifespan by as many as fifteen years. All the 0:07:44.040 --> 0:07:48.760 studies show that the quality of our relationships makes a 0:07:48.920 --> 0:07:52.440 huge difference in our life, and this episode is all 0:07:52.480 --> 0:07:56.040 about the habit needed that we need to reconnect with 0:07:56.760 --> 0:08:01.559 to create connection. So this segment about connectivity is brought 0:08:01.600 --> 0:08:04.320 to you by AT and T. AT and T believes 0:08:04.360 --> 0:08:07.840 connecting changes everything. I recently went on tour for my 0:08:07.920 --> 0:08:10.840 second book, Eight Rules of Love, and brought so many 0:08:10.840 --> 0:08:13.440 people together from all over the world. Part of the 0:08:13.480 --> 0:08:16.240 show was inviting people from the crowd up on a 0:08:16.360 --> 0:08:19.840 stage to reconnect with a loved one they haven't spoken 0:08:19.880 --> 0:08:22.400 to in a long time. We had parents reconnect with 0:08:22.440 --> 0:08:26.640 their children, fathers reconnect with their sons, siblings reconnect with 0:08:26.680 --> 0:08:29.680 each other, and so many more. Deep human connections are 0:08:29.760 --> 0:08:33.280 vital for mental and physical health because they fulfill and 0:08:33.400 --> 0:08:37.400 innate human need to belong. Connected relationships allow you to 0:08:37.480 --> 0:08:41.640 open up, be authentic, and feel truly supported by those 0:08:41.679 --> 0:08:44.800 around you. If your relationships seem to be lacking depth, 0:08:45.160 --> 0:08:48.840 improving your capacity for connectedness can make you feel closer 0:08:48.880 --> 0:08:52.240 to friends or loved ones. Build your emotional support system, 0:08:52.600 --> 0:08:56.160 increase your social charisma, help you approach conversations in a 0:08:56.200 --> 0:09:00.000 more meaningful way, expand your social group improve your profet 0:09:00.000 --> 0:09:05.840 sesational success, increase professional productivity, improve your financial success, Provide 0:09:05.880 --> 0:09:09.120 a feeling of belonging in safety, reduce your risk for 0:09:09.200 --> 0:09:13.319 mental health issues, and reduce your risk for mental health challenges. 0:09:13.600 --> 0:09:17.480 If you're feeling isolated from your loved ones, family, or friends, 0:09:17.840 --> 0:09:20.400 I encourage you to reach out to them today. It 0:09:20.400 --> 0:09:23.880 will inspire you to grow and ultimately improve your connection 0:09:24.000 --> 0:09:27.160 with them and others. Take advantage of having access to 0:09:27.200 --> 0:09:30.280 Wi Fi calling and texting. There are so many ways 0:09:30.320 --> 0:09:33.040 you can use a phone to stay connected, even when 0:09:33.040 --> 0:09:35.200 you're traveling or living in a place that is far 0:09:35.240 --> 0:09:38.080 from your friends and loved ones. Here are four common 0:09:38.120 --> 0:09:41.840 methods you can use today besides apps for staying connected 0:09:41.880 --> 0:09:45.199 with others. Number one video conferencing when you're away from 0:09:45.240 --> 0:09:48.120 your significant other, friends, your family. This is a great 0:09:48.120 --> 0:09:52.200 way to celebrate birthdays and adversaries in special moments by 0:09:52.240 --> 0:09:55.640 sharing a moment over video and seeing their face. I 0:09:55.760 --> 0:09:58.040 know it's not the same, but I love having the 0:09:58.080 --> 0:10:01.200 opportunity to face down my family and friends who still 0:10:01.200 --> 0:10:04.240 live in the UK. Number two emailing. Sending an email 0:10:04.320 --> 0:10:07.199 is a great way to stay connected to old colleagues, professors, 0:10:07.360 --> 0:10:10.040 or even bosses. It may not sound like the most 0:10:10.080 --> 0:10:12.120 intimate way, but I found it can be a great 0:10:12.160 --> 0:10:15.560 surprise for a professor or teacher when you also use 0:10:15.600 --> 0:10:18.000 it as a way to explain the impact they had 0:10:18.000 --> 0:10:21.240 on you. Now, texting, we all text. It's simple and easy, 0:10:21.559 --> 0:10:24.120 but if you use text to send a thirty second 0:10:24.160 --> 0:10:27.520 to sixty second message of gratitude to one person personally 0:10:27.520 --> 0:10:30.480 and one person professionally a day, it can change the game. 0:10:30.640 --> 0:10:32.760 And of course calling, I mean we don't do enough 0:10:32.800 --> 0:10:36.000 of it anymore. When someone calls you just for a moment, 0:10:36.160 --> 0:10:39.000 even if it's just to check in, hearing someone's voice 0:10:39.000 --> 0:10:40.880 can make you feel like you're at home, and it 0:10:40.920 --> 0:10:43.280 can be so grounding. This has been brought to you 0:10:43.320 --> 0:10:47.320 by AT and T. AT and T believes connecting inspires, unites, heals, 0:10:47.360 --> 0:10:50.319 and helps us grow. Connecting changes how we live our 0:10:50.360 --> 0:10:53.199 lives for the better. So the first thing I'm going 0:10:53.240 --> 0:10:58.160 to ask you to do when we think about becoming connected, 0:10:58.200 --> 0:11:02.800 a habit that really makes it difference is checking in 0:11:02.840 --> 0:11:07.040 with yourself. Number one. Check in with yourself. Is your 0:11:07.080 --> 0:11:11.040 social brad tree drained or is your social battery charged? 0:11:11.320 --> 0:11:15.040 Are you ready to spend time with people or is 0:11:15.080 --> 0:11:17.000 that going to tie you out right now? And this 0:11:17.160 --> 0:11:20.120 is someone something you have to check in with yourself. 0:11:20.280 --> 0:11:22.120 I think a lot of us go through bouts of 0:11:22.200 --> 0:11:26.200 like overextending ourselves and then under extending ourselves. And usually 0:11:26.240 --> 0:11:29.000 when we're under extending, we feel lonely, and when we're overextending, 0:11:29.040 --> 0:11:32.400 we feel overworked. Right it's when social when your social 0:11:32.400 --> 0:11:35.080 life starts to feel like work, or when your social 0:11:35.120 --> 0:11:38.000 life feels like it's non existent. We don't really live 0:11:38.400 --> 0:11:41.880 in this balance state. And the balance state is not 0:11:41.920 --> 0:11:44.520 about how much time you spend with people. It's about 0:11:44.520 --> 0:11:47.680 how you feel energetically. For example, you could just go 0:11:47.760 --> 0:11:51.400 out for one night a week and feel completely socially 0:11:52.240 --> 0:11:54.920 battery charged, so you're really happy with that and you're 0:11:54.960 --> 0:11:57.280 okay with that, or you could go out for one 0:11:57.400 --> 0:11:59.719 night and feel completely drained based on what you do, 0:12:00.400 --> 0:12:01.960 And so I want you to check in with yourself 0:12:02.040 --> 0:12:05.480 right now and go this weekend, do you feel charged 0:12:05.679 --> 0:12:07.880 to spend time with people or do you feel drained 0:12:07.960 --> 0:12:10.000 and you need time alone? And I want you to 0:12:10.040 --> 0:12:12.160 base on how you feel, not what's going on, not 0:12:12.200 --> 0:12:15.280 how many events are happening, not what you've been invited 0:12:15.320 --> 0:12:18.360 to or haven't been invited to, because sometimes we get 0:12:18.440 --> 0:12:21.240 upset by things we're not invited to, even if we 0:12:21.240 --> 0:12:23.400 didn't want to go, Right, how many of you have 0:12:23.480 --> 0:12:25.000 ever felt, I'd be honest with me, how many of 0:12:25.040 --> 0:12:27.760 you have known you don't want to go out? But 0:12:27.880 --> 0:12:31.000 now you're offended that you're not invited. And that's why 0:12:31.000 --> 0:12:33.079 we need to check in with ourselves. We need to 0:12:33.120 --> 0:12:35.959 take a moment to ask ourselves, am I charged or 0:12:36.000 --> 0:12:39.600 am I drained? If I'm charged, who would I like 0:12:39.720 --> 0:12:42.600 to spend that energy with? It's almost like asking yourself, 0:12:42.960 --> 0:12:45.240 I just won the lottery, who am I going to 0:12:45.240 --> 0:12:47.480 spend this money on? Right? That's how you have to 0:12:47.480 --> 0:12:49.840 think about it. If you're charged, and if you're drained, 0:12:49.880 --> 0:12:51.520 you have to just be like, well, I just lost 0:12:51.559 --> 0:12:53.760 this time and lost this money and lost this energy. 0:12:54.120 --> 0:12:56.480 How am I going to get charged up again? Who's 0:12:56.520 --> 0:12:58.200 going to help me charge? If I'm going to charge 0:12:58.240 --> 0:13:01.679 with other people? Or do I need to charge alone? Right? 0:13:01.800 --> 0:13:05.199 That's how you want to think about checking in with yourself. 0:13:05.480 --> 0:13:08.559 And this self awareness is really where it starts, because 0:13:09.640 --> 0:13:13.880 if you don't make yourself feel seen, yourself feel heard, 0:13:14.360 --> 0:13:18.960 yourself feel understood and valued you will constantly expect it 0:13:19.000 --> 0:13:21.240 from someone else. And I think that's what we do. 0:13:21.320 --> 0:13:26.120 We walk around wanting other people to make us feel seen, heard, 0:13:26.320 --> 0:13:30.040 and understood and valued as a substitute for doing it 0:13:30.080 --> 0:13:32.839 for ourselves. So because we don't take a moment to 0:13:32.920 --> 0:13:36.400 check in with ourselves, to see ourselves or hear ourselves, 0:13:36.760 --> 0:13:40.640 or understand ourselves or value ourselves, we're constantly trying to 0:13:40.679 --> 0:13:43.959 fill that gap. Right If you've just drank water yourself 0:13:44.000 --> 0:13:45.960 and someone's offers you water, you'd say no, no, no, I 0:13:46.000 --> 0:13:49.080 just did that myself and you wouldn't overthink it. But 0:13:49.120 --> 0:13:51.640 if you hadn't got water and someone said, hey, do 0:13:51.640 --> 0:13:53.120 you want a bottle of water, you'd say, yeah, yeah, 0:13:53.160 --> 0:13:54.840 sure I want that because I haven't had any. So 0:13:55.080 --> 0:13:57.200 you're looking for someone else, you'll ask them, hey, do 0:13:57.200 --> 0:13:59.920 you have some water? We do the same thing emotionally. 0:14:01.040 --> 0:14:05.719 We emotionally ask for other people to check in with 0:14:05.800 --> 0:14:10.120 us and quench our thirst, as opposed to checking in 0:14:10.200 --> 0:14:13.960 with ourselves. So I want you to start there now. 0:14:14.000 --> 0:14:20.080 The second habit is expanding your emotional vocabulary. If you 0:14:20.200 --> 0:14:24.400 want to see here, understand and value yourself better. And 0:14:24.440 --> 0:14:26.440 by the way, if you want to see here and 0:14:26.520 --> 0:14:30.480 understand and value other people better. You need to expand 0:14:30.520 --> 0:14:33.320 your emotional vocabulary. And I want to point this out. 0:14:33.400 --> 0:14:36.120 Connecting isn't just about do I feel connected? Do I 0:14:36.160 --> 0:14:38.480 feel a part of the group. The questions also do 0:14:38.520 --> 0:14:40.640 you make other people feel part of the group? Do 0:14:40.680 --> 0:14:43.320 you reach out to other people? I promise you, for 0:14:43.400 --> 0:14:46.360 every party you feel you're not invited to, there's someone 0:14:46.440 --> 0:14:49.160 you're not inviting out somewhere and you may say, well, 0:14:49.160 --> 0:14:50.520 I don't want to spend time with them, and that's 0:14:50.560 --> 0:14:55.120 totally fine, But I promise you that feeling connected is 0:14:55.160 --> 0:14:58.880 as much something you have to do proactively as you 0:14:58.960 --> 0:15:02.000 have to be involved in someone else. When you're making 0:15:02.040 --> 0:15:05.120 an effort to make other people feel included, to make 0:15:05.200 --> 0:15:08.840 other people feel seen and heard and understood, I promise 0:15:08.880 --> 0:15:10.880 you that's going to make you feel connected as well. 0:15:10.920 --> 0:15:14.880 I think we think of feeling connected as being embraced, 0:15:15.320 --> 0:15:18.680 but not embracing someone else, And I promise you it 0:15:18.800 --> 0:15:24.560 does feel incredible when you take an opportunity to actually extend, embrace, 0:15:25.360 --> 0:15:28.560 enhance someone else's experience. Now, as I was talking about 0:15:28.560 --> 0:15:32.960 emotional vocabulary, this goes back to the Harvard Business Review 0:15:33.120 --> 0:15:36.920 and a source from Susan David and it's called a 0:15:37.040 --> 0:15:40.880 list of emotions. And the Harvard Business Review talks about 0:15:40.920 --> 0:15:44.760 how we use some very basic emotions to define how 0:15:44.800 --> 0:15:47.520 we feel. So we may sound angry, we may say 0:15:47.520 --> 0:15:51.800 I'm sad, we may sound anxious, we may say I'm hurt, 0:15:52.480 --> 0:15:55.560 we may sound embarrassed, and we may sound happy. Those 0:15:55.600 --> 0:15:58.560 are pretty much as far as our emotional vocabulary goes. 0:15:58.880 --> 0:16:01.440 But this emotion's list and you can literally google it. 0:16:01.560 --> 0:16:04.400 Just type in a Harvard emotional list. I call it 0:16:04.440 --> 0:16:09.720 emotional vocabulary. You can break down what type of anger 0:16:09.760 --> 0:16:12.640 you're feeling. So the list that I'm reading off right now, 0:16:13.000 --> 0:16:16.680 instead of saying you're angry, are you actually grumpy? Are 0:16:16.720 --> 0:16:22.479 you frustrated? Are you annoyed? Are you defensive? Maybe you're impatient? 0:16:23.320 --> 0:16:27.520 Are you disgusted? Are you offended or irritated? Notice how 0:16:27.680 --> 0:16:31.240 they are all these different types of anger. And when 0:16:31.240 --> 0:16:36.720 we don't diagnose ourselves effectively, we don't feel understood by ourselves, 0:16:36.800 --> 0:16:40.120 and therefore when we communicate to other people, they don't 0:16:40.160 --> 0:16:43.240 fully understand us either. So we'll be like, oh, I'm upset, 0:16:44.080 --> 0:16:45.800 but it's like, what does that mean? How are you 0:16:45.880 --> 0:16:47.520 feeling right now? How can I help you? How can 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:50.360 I help you feel better? And we do a bad 0:16:50.480 --> 0:16:54.440 job of communicating what we're actually experiencing. They also do 0:16:54.480 --> 0:16:59.560 this for the word hurt. Are you feeling jealous? Are 0:16:59.600 --> 0:17:05.160 you feeling betrayed? Are you feeling isolated or shocked, deprived, victimized, 0:17:05.800 --> 0:17:08.639 tormented or abandoned? There are so many ways. Now, I'm 0:17:08.680 --> 0:17:10.200 not saying you're gonna go to your next conversation and 0:17:10.280 --> 0:17:12.720 be like, I feel really tormented today, right, That's not 0:17:12.840 --> 0:17:16.440 my point. But I want you to expand your emotional 0:17:16.520 --> 0:17:19.280 vocabulary so that you can really see your emotions for 0:17:19.359 --> 0:17:21.879 what they are. You can communicate your emotions for what 0:17:21.960 --> 0:17:24.840 they are. And why does this help you become more connected? 0:17:25.119 --> 0:17:28.760 Because you're becoming more connected to what's actually going on. 0:17:29.400 --> 0:17:33.640 Rather than having a shallow, surface level relationship with yourself, 0:17:34.240 --> 0:17:38.320 you now have a deep relationship. Rather than expressing yourself 0:17:39.000 --> 0:17:45.160 in a limited way, you're now allowing someone to understand 0:17:45.200 --> 0:17:49.520 the layers of what you're experiencing. Notice how the first 0:17:49.520 --> 0:17:52.520 two things are very much about you and connecting with 0:17:52.600 --> 0:17:56.480 yourself in order to do the others. Now, the third 0:17:56.480 --> 0:18:00.199 one is probably one of my favorite ones, and it's 0:18:00.240 --> 0:18:02.880 one that I've tried a lot recently and I love it. 0:18:02.880 --> 0:18:06.320 It's called old new and new old. Now, the way 0:18:06.359 --> 0:18:09.840 this works is when I meet an old friend, I 0:18:09.960 --> 0:18:12.560 try and connect on something new. A lot of us 0:18:12.560 --> 0:18:15.520 in our long term relationships we live in nostalgia. Oh 0:18:15.560 --> 0:18:17.520 do you remember when we went on that trip, Oh 0:18:17.560 --> 0:18:19.520 my gosh, do you remember the last day of school? 0:18:19.680 --> 0:18:21.719 Oh do you remember when you were dating so and so? 0:18:21.800 --> 0:18:27.000 And we use nostalgia as a way to build connection. 0:18:27.960 --> 0:18:31.719 Nothing wrong with that, Absolutely nothing wrong with that. But 0:18:32.040 --> 0:18:37.399 what's really important and special is making new memories with 0:18:37.560 --> 0:18:40.000 people that have been in your life for a long time. 0:18:40.280 --> 0:18:43.480 So if someone's an old friend, make a new memory 0:18:43.520 --> 0:18:47.320 with them. Stop making your relationship about nostalgia and the 0:18:47.320 --> 0:18:50.360 good old days and the past, and think about how 0:18:50.400 --> 0:18:52.199 can I go and build a new memory with this 0:18:52.280 --> 0:18:54.600 person that we can talk about for the next few weeks, 0:18:54.640 --> 0:18:58.440 maybe the next couple of years. But let's build new memories. 0:18:59.119 --> 0:19:03.040 Or what's something new I can discover about an old friend. 0:19:03.600 --> 0:19:06.000 It may be a new skill. I remember being with 0:19:06.040 --> 0:19:08.960 a family member that I hadn't spent time with since 0:19:08.960 --> 0:19:11.240 I was like sixteen years old. So it's like twenty 0:19:11.320 --> 0:19:13.639 years ago, and they kept saying to me. They said, Jay, 0:19:13.680 --> 0:19:15.639 you've changed so much, like you're so different. I'm like, 0:19:15.680 --> 0:19:18.200 of course I have. It's been twenty years and it's 0:19:18.240 --> 0:19:21.159 really fascinating to me that they were more interested in 0:19:21.200 --> 0:19:23.280 the change as opposed to who I am today and 0:19:23.359 --> 0:19:26.640 the newness. Right, And so I want you to think 0:19:26.680 --> 0:19:29.680 about who do you have who's an old friend, and 0:19:29.720 --> 0:19:32.440 how can you make new memories with them? How can 0:19:32.480 --> 0:19:35.320 you learn something new about who they are, what they do, 0:19:35.440 --> 0:19:38.399 what they love, what they value, what they believe in. 0:19:39.160 --> 0:19:42.520 Taking an interest in something new with someone old, building 0:19:42.560 --> 0:19:45.520 a new memory with someone old in your life can 0:19:45.560 --> 0:19:49.159 be really truly spectacular. And then it's the other way around, 0:19:49.560 --> 0:19:52.919 new old. So now with the new old, it's like, 0:19:52.960 --> 0:19:55.640 who's a new person in your life that you can 0:19:55.680 --> 0:19:58.560 connect over something old. Maybe you grew up in the 0:19:58.560 --> 0:20:01.800 same area. I was just doing a zoom keynote and 0:20:02.040 --> 0:20:04.680 the person who was talking to me was from near 0:20:04.760 --> 0:20:06.960 where I grew up in London as well and went 0:20:07.000 --> 0:20:08.800 to school, and we started talking about it. It was a 0:20:08.840 --> 0:20:11.800 new relationship, but we found an old connection. It was 0:20:11.840 --> 0:20:14.119 a new person that I didn't know, but we found 0:20:14.160 --> 0:20:17.840 an old common point to bond over to start a 0:20:17.880 --> 0:20:21.280 new relationship right, so old new, new old. It's one 0:20:21.280 --> 0:20:24.040 of my favorite things. When I meet someone new, I think, hey, 0:20:24.119 --> 0:20:26.240 what do we have in common? What's in our past 0:20:26.320 --> 0:20:29.520 that may correlate or intersect? And when I have someone 0:20:29.520 --> 0:20:31.000 that has been in my life for a long time, 0:20:31.000 --> 0:20:33.600 I think, oh, well, what's a new memory we can make, right, 0:20:33.640 --> 0:20:35.840 what's something new that I can learn about them. It's 0:20:35.880 --> 0:20:41.480 a really subtle art, but it's really really profound in 0:20:41.560 --> 0:20:44.720 how it can impact a conversation. Have it Number four 0:20:45.320 --> 0:20:48.159 kind of links to number three. But we have to 0:20:48.200 --> 0:20:53.240 ask interesting questions otherwise everyone will appear uninteresting. I really 0:20:53.240 --> 0:20:56.200 believe this. If you ask even the most interesting person 0:20:56.200 --> 0:21:00.000 in the world uninteresting conversations and questions, they will appear 0:21:00.440 --> 0:21:05.920 uninteresting and you will appear uninterested. And that's why we struggle. 0:21:06.000 --> 0:21:08.080 Because we've been taught to ask questions like, so, what 0:21:08.119 --> 0:21:10.600 do you do? How is your week? What did you 0:21:10.640 --> 0:21:12.400 do this week? What did you do today? We even 0:21:12.440 --> 0:21:15.520 do that with our partners. And by the way, every 0:21:15.520 --> 0:21:17.960 time you ask your partner what did you do today, 0:21:18.880 --> 0:21:22.440 it kind of creates an almost false pressure in them 0:21:23.119 --> 0:21:26.119 of them having to have done something or achieved something. 0:21:26.200 --> 0:21:30.000 So this doesn't even apply to new connections. It applies 0:21:30.000 --> 0:21:31.359 to the friends you see every week and you go, 0:21:31.440 --> 0:21:33.960 what did you do this week? And that question is 0:21:33.960 --> 0:21:36.040 something they've been asked for so many years that they 0:21:36.080 --> 0:21:41.800 have either a rehearsed, unconscious response or it puts pressure 0:21:41.840 --> 0:21:43.600 on them to have to think about what they did 0:21:44.640 --> 0:21:48.240 rather than a question that's more open and fascinating. I 0:21:48.240 --> 0:21:51.040 always like my final five from the podcast of like 0:21:51.400 --> 0:21:53.200 what's the best advice you've ever received? Or what's the 0:21:53.240 --> 0:21:55.960 worst advice you've ever received? I love asking someone like, 0:21:56.000 --> 0:22:00.240 what's the best conversation you had this week? Or what's 0:22:00.359 --> 0:22:03.880 the most interesting thing that happened to you this week? 0:22:03.920 --> 0:22:06.639 And it allows for them to reflect and think, or 0:22:06.920 --> 0:22:10.040 were you bored at all this week? The opposite, and 0:22:10.480 --> 0:22:12.600 if you could learn anything, what would it be? Or 0:22:12.600 --> 0:22:14.680 what did you learn? Did you come across anything new 0:22:14.760 --> 0:22:17.280 this week? And it may take them a moment, give 0:22:17.320 --> 0:22:20.720 them some time, but this is especially valuable for the 0:22:20.720 --> 0:22:24.040 people who've been in your life consistently and people you 0:22:24.119 --> 0:22:27.760 see regularly, and we need to disrupt the pattern of 0:22:27.800 --> 0:22:30.520 the conversation. I think what happens is when you know 0:22:30.600 --> 0:22:32.679 someone well and they know you, you fall into the 0:22:32.680 --> 0:22:36.800 patterns of the same questions, the same conversations, the same chores, 0:22:37.280 --> 0:22:41.440 the same activities, and the question being how do we 0:22:41.520 --> 0:22:46.000 create a method to actually shift the conversations so you 0:22:46.040 --> 0:22:49.040 actually catch the other person off guard, You surprise them. 0:22:49.480 --> 0:22:51.639