1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:04,120 Speaker 1: Of course, there are benefits to solitude, but according to 2 00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:07,560 Speaker 1: the National Institute on Aging, the health risks of prolonged 3 00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:12,680 Speaker 1: isolation are equivalent to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. Social 4 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:16,720 Speaker 1: isolation and loneliness have even been estimated to shorten a 5 00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:20,680 Speaker 1: person's lifespan by as many as fifteen years. All the 6 00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:25,479 Speaker 1: studies show that the quality of our relationships makes a 7 00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:34,960 Speaker 1: huge difference in our life. Hey, everyone, welcome back to 8 00:00:35,159 --> 00:00:39,400 Speaker 1: on Purpose. I am so genuinely grateful that you chose 9 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:42,040 Speaker 1: to spend some time with me today, whether you're walking, 10 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:45,519 Speaker 1: whether you're driving, whether you're cooking, whatever you're up to. 11 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:50,239 Speaker 1: Thank you for choosing on purpose always. I love the 12 00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:52,960 Speaker 1: connection we're developing, and whenever I bump into any of 13 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,160 Speaker 1: you and you tell me you listen it on purpose, 14 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:56,480 Speaker 1: all I want to do is give you a big 15 00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:59,680 Speaker 1: ug and say thank you, because it truly, truly means 16 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:01,240 Speaker 1: the world to me. I bumped into a few of 17 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:04,080 Speaker 1: you who even came to my shows recently at some 18 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:08,200 Speaker 1: restaurants when I was in LA and it just warms 19 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:11,520 Speaker 1: my heart to know that we're building this community without 20 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:15,720 Speaker 1: even knowing how deeply it's impacting all of us, including me. 21 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:20,680 Speaker 1: So your feedback, your love, your support, your reviews, your 22 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:25,080 Speaker 1: subscribing to the podcast means so much to me. Now, 23 00:01:25,959 --> 00:01:28,920 Speaker 1: I want to talk today about something that I know 24 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:33,080 Speaker 1: a lot of us are struggling with in different ways. 25 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:37,280 Speaker 1: Let's just start with a quick poll. How many of 26 00:01:37,319 --> 00:01:42,120 Speaker 1: you have ever felt lonely? I'm guessing there's quite a 27 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:45,360 Speaker 1: few of us. How many of you have ever felt 28 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:50,400 Speaker 1: disconnected from the people around you. I'm guessing there's quite 29 00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:52,640 Speaker 1: a few of us as well. And how many of 30 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:57,560 Speaker 1: you felt that you don't feel authentically connected to your community, 31 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:04,760 Speaker 1: that you find yourself having potentially negative judgments, or even 32 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:08,000 Speaker 1: if it isn't going down that way, you may just 33 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:12,240 Speaker 1: feel a bit distant from the people around you. I 34 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:14,200 Speaker 1: want to take a moment to point out that it's 35 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:20,960 Speaker 1: so natural and normal to want to feel connected. It's 36 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:25,880 Speaker 1: so normal, so natural, so real to want to feel connected, 37 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:29,480 Speaker 1: but we don't often know what that means. Right. We 38 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:32,160 Speaker 1: say things like I don't feel connected to you, I 39 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,320 Speaker 1: don't feel connected to the people around me, I don't 40 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:39,359 Speaker 1: feel supported. But really, what it means to be connected 41 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:46,239 Speaker 1: is that you feel seen, you feel heard, you feel understood, 42 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:52,680 Speaker 1: and you feel valued. Plus you make other people feel seen, 43 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:58,120 Speaker 1: You make other people feel heard, you try your best 44 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:02,600 Speaker 1: to understand others, and you intend to make people valued 45 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:07,440 Speaker 1: for real. This isn't just a technique or a hack 46 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:12,280 Speaker 1: or an activity. Wanting to be connected requires it to 47 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:17,280 Speaker 1: be sincere and genuine and real. Now, I want to 48 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:20,240 Speaker 1: start off by just pointing out how normal it is 49 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:24,240 Speaker 1: to feel disconnected. Only fifty nine percent of Americans say 50 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,040 Speaker 1: they have a best friend, and twelve percent say they 51 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:30,320 Speaker 1: feel they have no close friends at all. I'm taking 52 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:35,040 Speaker 1: this from the rootsof loneliness dot com ridden by doctor 53 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:38,960 Speaker 1: Christy Hartman, a pH d in psychology, who shared this 54 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:43,800 Speaker 1: incredible research that she found through the National Library of Medicine, 55 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:49,680 Speaker 1: the Centers for Disease Control, YUGOV, Health Resources and Services Administration, 56 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:54,320 Speaker 1: SAGE Journals, Taylor and Francis Online, and others. Fifty two 57 00:03:54,440 --> 00:04:00,480 Speaker 1: percent of Americans report feeling lonely, while forty one percent 58 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:04,720 Speaker 1: report their relationship with others are not meaningful. So you 59 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,640 Speaker 1: can see those two things there. One is us feeling 60 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:10,640 Speaker 1: disconnected and removed, and the other one is saying, actually, 61 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:13,200 Speaker 1: I'm around a lot of people, but I don't feel 62 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:15,400 Speaker 1: like it's meaningful. How many of You go to a 63 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,240 Speaker 1: lot of parties or a lot of events, you come 64 00:04:17,279 --> 00:04:20,159 Speaker 1: across a lot of people, but you don't really get 65 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:24,400 Speaker 1: that depth of connection. Right, We've got so lost in 66 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:28,640 Speaker 1: this breadth and scale of connecting that we've often lost 67 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:33,400 Speaker 1: the gift and depth of connecting single or not. Fifty 68 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:38,599 Speaker 1: seven percent of Americans report eating all meals alone. Now 69 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:41,039 Speaker 1: we've gone from doing an activity that we used to 70 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:44,200 Speaker 1: do potentially even with your parents. So just like ten, 71 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:46,880 Speaker 1: fifteen years ago, or maybe just five years ago, you 72 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,799 Speaker 1: were eating every meal surrounded by your family, your siblings, 73 00:04:49,839 --> 00:04:52,880 Speaker 1: your parents, and all of a sudden, now you're eating 74 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:54,880 Speaker 1: all of your meals alone, whether you're single or not. 75 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:59,120 Speaker 1: That takes a while to get used to. And as 76 00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:01,320 Speaker 1: we look at the trail across the world, of course 77 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,279 Speaker 1: we're living more separately now we travel across the world. 78 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:05,719 Speaker 1: Like me and my wife when we moved to New 79 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:08,640 Speaker 1: York and then we moved to la we now have 80 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,279 Speaker 1: lived without family around us for seven years. If we 81 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:13,960 Speaker 1: lived in London, we would have been able to visit 82 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:17,280 Speaker 1: our family every weekend or even in the evenings, whereas 83 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:21,479 Speaker 1: now we're seeing them after so much more time. So 84 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:24,000 Speaker 1: there's a lot of shifts also in the way we 85 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:27,159 Speaker 1: live and the way we conduct our lives that impacts 86 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:31,679 Speaker 1: how we feel. Fifty two percent of Americans have felt 87 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:34,120 Speaker 1: left out at some point in their lives. Now, it's 88 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:37,120 Speaker 1: really interesting, how I think if you thought about the 89 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:39,919 Speaker 1: first time you felt left out, it might be on 90 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:44,000 Speaker 1: the field at school, or it might be in the playground. 91 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:46,280 Speaker 1: And it's interesting how when we get left out as 92 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:50,440 Speaker 1: an adult, we're triggered back into that mindset of a kid, 93 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:54,000 Speaker 1: and instead of using our rational, logical brain to make 94 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:56,839 Speaker 1: sense of it now, we often go back to using 95 00:05:56,839 --> 00:06:00,560 Speaker 1: that child brain to adapt or react or respond to 96 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,520 Speaker 1: what we're experiencing. And we're going to talk about that 97 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:06,000 Speaker 1: a little bit today. Fifty three percent of Americans cite 98 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:09,200 Speaker 1: shyness as the reason why it's difficult to make friends. 99 00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:12,159 Speaker 1: How many of you feel shy? I can relate to 100 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:13,440 Speaker 1: this one. And I know you think you Jay, you're 101 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,719 Speaker 1: not shy at all. Trust me. If I'm in a 102 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:17,680 Speaker 1: new environment where I don't know anyone, I give you 103 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:21,080 Speaker 1: one of the shyest people in the world. And at 104 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,240 Speaker 1: the same time, if I'm in an environment where I'm 105 00:06:23,279 --> 00:06:25,640 Speaker 1: flourishing or thriving, I can be the most confident person 106 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:29,240 Speaker 1: in the room. But I realize that shyness blocks so 107 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:32,279 Speaker 1: many of us. We've never been taught how to approach someone. 108 00:06:32,279 --> 00:06:36,279 Speaker 1: And what's really interesting is that shyness often gets seen 109 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:42,520 Speaker 1: as ego or coldness, and often social anxiety gets seen 110 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:45,440 Speaker 1: in the same way. And so we're looking at other 111 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:47,600 Speaker 1: people going, oh, they don't seem to care about me 112 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:51,160 Speaker 1: or find me interesting. They're thinking the same about us. 113 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,480 Speaker 1: Fifty eight percent of Americans reported that they sometimes are 114 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:59,080 Speaker 1: always feels like no one knows them. Well, maybe you're 115 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:03,120 Speaker 1: someone who's traveled country. Maybe you've traveled, you know, across 116 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:07,640 Speaker 1: the world, and no one speaks your language where you live, 117 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,280 Speaker 1: no one really knows your heritage, no one really knows 118 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:16,840 Speaker 1: your background. It's so fascinating for people to recognize the 119 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:21,200 Speaker 1: reasons why it's natural for us to feel this way. Now. 120 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:26,520 Speaker 1: Of course, there are benefits to solitude, but according to 121 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:30,000 Speaker 1: the National Institute on Aging, the health risks of prolonged 122 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:35,600 Speaker 1: isolation are equivalent to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. Social 123 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:39,560 Speaker 1: isolation and loneliness have even been estimated to shorten a 124 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:43,960 Speaker 1: person's lifespan by as many as fifteen years. All the 125 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:48,760 Speaker 1: studies show that the quality of our relationships makes a 126 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:52,440 Speaker 1: huge difference in our life, and this episode is all 127 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:56,040 Speaker 1: about the habit needed that we need to reconnect with 128 00:07:56,760 --> 00:08:01,559 Speaker 1: to create connection. So this segment about connectivity is brought 129 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:04,320 Speaker 1: to you by AT and T. AT and T believes 130 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:07,840 Speaker 1: connecting changes everything. I recently went on tour for my 131 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,840 Speaker 1: second book, Eight Rules of Love, and brought so many 132 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:13,440 Speaker 1: people together from all over the world. Part of the 133 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:16,240 Speaker 1: show was inviting people from the crowd up on a 134 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:19,840 Speaker 1: stage to reconnect with a loved one they haven't spoken 135 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:22,400 Speaker 1: to in a long time. We had parents reconnect with 136 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:26,640 Speaker 1: their children, fathers reconnect with their sons, siblings reconnect with 137 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,680 Speaker 1: each other, and so many more. Deep human connections are 138 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:33,280 Speaker 1: vital for mental and physical health because they fulfill and 139 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:37,400 Speaker 1: innate human need to belong. Connected relationships allow you to 140 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 1: open up, be authentic, and feel truly supported by those 141 00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:44,800 Speaker 1: around you. If your relationships seem to be lacking depth, 142 00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:48,840 Speaker 1: improving your capacity for connectedness can make you feel closer 143 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:52,240 Speaker 1: to friends or loved ones. Build your emotional support system, 144 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:56,160 Speaker 1: increase your social charisma, help you approach conversations in a 145 00:08:56,200 --> 00:09:00,000 Speaker 1: more meaningful way, expand your social group improve your profet 146 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:05,840 Speaker 1: sesational success, increase professional productivity, improve your financial success, Provide 147 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:09,120 Speaker 1: a feeling of belonging in safety, reduce your risk for 148 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:13,319 Speaker 1: mental health issues, and reduce your risk for mental health challenges. 149 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:17,480 Speaker 1: If you're feeling isolated from your loved ones, family, or friends, 150 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:20,400 Speaker 1: I encourage you to reach out to them today. It 151 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:23,880 Speaker 1: will inspire you to grow and ultimately improve your connection 152 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,160 Speaker 1: with them and others. Take advantage of having access to 153 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:30,280 Speaker 1: Wi Fi calling and texting. There are so many ways 154 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:33,040 Speaker 1: you can use a phone to stay connected, even when 155 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,200 Speaker 1: you're traveling or living in a place that is far 156 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:38,080 Speaker 1: from your friends and loved ones. Here are four common 157 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:41,840 Speaker 1: methods you can use today besides apps for staying connected 158 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:45,199 Speaker 1: with others. Number one video conferencing when you're away from 159 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:48,120 Speaker 1: your significant other, friends, your family. This is a great 160 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:52,200 Speaker 1: way to celebrate birthdays and adversaries in special moments by 161 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:55,640 Speaker 1: sharing a moment over video and seeing their face. I 162 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:58,040 Speaker 1: know it's not the same, but I love having the 163 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:01,200 Speaker 1: opportunity to face down my family and friends who still 164 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:04,240 Speaker 1: live in the UK. Number two emailing. Sending an email 165 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:07,199 Speaker 1: is a great way to stay connected to old colleagues, professors, 166 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:10,040 Speaker 1: or even bosses. It may not sound like the most 167 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,120 Speaker 1: intimate way, but I found it can be a great 168 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:15,560 Speaker 1: surprise for a professor or teacher when you also use 169 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,000 Speaker 1: it as a way to explain the impact they had 170 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:21,240 Speaker 1: on you. Now, texting, we all text. It's simple and easy, 171 00:10:21,559 --> 00:10:24,120 Speaker 1: but if you use text to send a thirty second 172 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:27,520 Speaker 1: to sixty second message of gratitude to one person personally 173 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:30,480 Speaker 1: and one person professionally a day, it can change the game. 174 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:32,760 Speaker 1: And of course calling, I mean we don't do enough 175 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:36,000 Speaker 1: of it anymore. When someone calls you just for a moment, 176 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:39,000 Speaker 1: even if it's just to check in, hearing someone's voice 177 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,880 Speaker 1: can make you feel like you're at home, and it 178 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,280 Speaker 1: can be so grounding. This has been brought to you 179 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:47,320 Speaker 1: by AT and T. AT and T believes connecting inspires, unites, heals, 180 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,319 Speaker 1: and helps us grow. Connecting changes how we live our 181 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:53,199 Speaker 1: lives for the better. So the first thing I'm going 182 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:58,160 Speaker 1: to ask you to do when we think about becoming connected, 183 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:02,800 Speaker 1: a habit that really makes it difference is checking in 184 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:07,040 Speaker 1: with yourself. Number one. Check in with yourself. Is your 185 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:11,040 Speaker 1: social brad tree drained or is your social battery charged? 186 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:15,040 Speaker 1: Are you ready to spend time with people or is 187 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:17,000 Speaker 1: that going to tie you out right now? And this 188 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:20,120 Speaker 1: is someone something you have to check in with yourself. 189 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,120 Speaker 1: I think a lot of us go through bouts of 190 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:26,200 Speaker 1: like overextending ourselves and then under extending ourselves. And usually 191 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:29,000 Speaker 1: when we're under extending, we feel lonely, and when we're overextending, 192 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:32,400 Speaker 1: we feel overworked. Right it's when social when your social 193 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:35,080 Speaker 1: life starts to feel like work, or when your social 194 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:38,000 Speaker 1: life feels like it's non existent. We don't really live 195 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:41,880 Speaker 1: in this balance state. And the balance state is not 196 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:44,520 Speaker 1: about how much time you spend with people. It's about 197 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,680 Speaker 1: how you feel energetically. For example, you could just go 198 00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:51,400 Speaker 1: out for one night a week and feel completely socially 199 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,920 Speaker 1: battery charged, so you're really happy with that and you're 200 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,280 Speaker 1: okay with that, or you could go out for one 201 00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,719 Speaker 1: night and feel completely drained based on what you do, 202 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,960 Speaker 1: And so I want you to check in with yourself 203 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:05,480 Speaker 1: right now and go this weekend, do you feel charged 204 00:12:05,679 --> 00:12:07,880 Speaker 1: to spend time with people or do you feel drained 205 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,000 Speaker 1: and you need time alone? And I want you to 206 00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,160 Speaker 1: base on how you feel, not what's going on, not 207 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:15,280 Speaker 1: how many events are happening, not what you've been invited 208 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:18,360 Speaker 1: to or haven't been invited to, because sometimes we get 209 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:21,240 Speaker 1: upset by things we're not invited to, even if we 210 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,400 Speaker 1: didn't want to go, Right, how many of you have 211 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,000 Speaker 1: ever felt, I'd be honest with me, how many of 212 00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:27,760 Speaker 1: you have known you don't want to go out? But 213 00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:31,000 Speaker 1: now you're offended that you're not invited. And that's why 214 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,079 Speaker 1: we need to check in with ourselves. We need to 215 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,959 Speaker 1: take a moment to ask ourselves, am I charged or 216 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:39,600 Speaker 1: am I drained? If I'm charged, who would I like 217 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:42,600 Speaker 1: to spend that energy with? It's almost like asking yourself, 218 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,240 Speaker 1: I just won the lottery, who am I going to 219 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,480 Speaker 1: spend this money on? Right? That's how you have to 220 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:49,840 Speaker 1: think about it. If you're charged, and if you're drained, 221 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:51,520 Speaker 1: you have to just be like, well, I just lost 222 00:12:51,559 --> 00:12:53,760 Speaker 1: this time and lost this money and lost this energy. 223 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:56,480 Speaker 1: How am I going to get charged up again? Who's 224 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:58,200 Speaker 1: going to help me charge? If I'm going to charge 225 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,679 Speaker 1: with other people? Or do I need to charge alone? Right? 226 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:05,199 Speaker 1: That's how you want to think about checking in with yourself. 227 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,559 Speaker 1: And this self awareness is really where it starts, because 228 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:13,880 Speaker 1: if you don't make yourself feel seen, yourself feel heard, 229 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:18,960 Speaker 1: yourself feel understood and valued you will constantly expect it 230 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,240 Speaker 1: from someone else. And I think that's what we do. 231 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:26,120 Speaker 1: We walk around wanting other people to make us feel seen, heard, 232 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:30,040 Speaker 1: and understood and valued as a substitute for doing it 233 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,839 Speaker 1: for ourselves. So because we don't take a moment to 234 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:36,400 Speaker 1: check in with ourselves, to see ourselves or hear ourselves, 235 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:40,640 Speaker 1: or understand ourselves or value ourselves, we're constantly trying to 236 00:13:40,679 --> 00:13:43,959 Speaker 1: fill that gap. Right If you've just drank water yourself 237 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:45,960 Speaker 1: and someone's offers you water, you'd say no, no, no, I 238 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:49,080 Speaker 1: just did that myself and you wouldn't overthink it. But 239 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:51,640 Speaker 1: if you hadn't got water and someone said, hey, do 240 00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:53,120 Speaker 1: you want a bottle of water, you'd say, yeah, yeah, 241 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:54,840 Speaker 1: sure I want that because I haven't had any. So 242 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:57,200 Speaker 1: you're looking for someone else, you'll ask them, hey, do 243 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,920 Speaker 1: you have some water? We do the same thing emotionally. 244 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:05,719 Speaker 1: We emotionally ask for other people to check in with 245 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:10,120 Speaker 1: us and quench our thirst, as opposed to checking in 246 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:13,960 Speaker 1: with ourselves. So I want you to start there now. 247 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:20,080 Speaker 1: The second habit is expanding your emotional vocabulary. If you 248 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:24,400 Speaker 1: want to see here, understand and value yourself better. And 249 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,440 Speaker 1: by the way, if you want to see here and 250 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:30,480 Speaker 1: understand and value other people better. You need to expand 251 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,320 Speaker 1: your emotional vocabulary. And I want to point this out. 252 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,120 Speaker 1: Connecting isn't just about do I feel connected? Do I 253 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:38,480 Speaker 1: feel a part of the group. The questions also do 254 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:40,640 Speaker 1: you make other people feel part of the group? Do 255 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,320 Speaker 1: you reach out to other people? I promise you, for 256 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,360 Speaker 1: every party you feel you're not invited to, there's someone 257 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:49,160 Speaker 1: you're not inviting out somewhere and you may say, well, 258 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,520 Speaker 1: I don't want to spend time with them, and that's 259 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:55,120 Speaker 1: totally fine, But I promise you that feeling connected is 260 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:58,880 Speaker 1: as much something you have to do proactively as you 261 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:02,000 Speaker 1: have to be involved in someone else. When you're making 262 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:05,120 Speaker 1: an effort to make other people feel included, to make 263 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:08,840 Speaker 1: other people feel seen and heard and understood, I promise 264 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:10,880 Speaker 1: you that's going to make you feel connected as well. 265 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:14,880 Speaker 1: I think we think of feeling connected as being embraced, 266 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:18,680 Speaker 1: but not embracing someone else, And I promise you it 267 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:24,560 Speaker 1: does feel incredible when you take an opportunity to actually extend, embrace, 268 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:28,560 Speaker 1: enhance someone else's experience. Now, as I was talking about 269 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:32,960 Speaker 1: emotional vocabulary, this goes back to the Harvard Business Review 270 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:36,920 Speaker 1: and a source from Susan David and it's called a 271 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:40,880 Speaker 1: list of emotions. And the Harvard Business Review talks about 272 00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:44,760 Speaker 1: how we use some very basic emotions to define how 273 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,520 Speaker 1: we feel. So we may sound angry, we may say 274 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:51,800 Speaker 1: I'm sad, we may sound anxious, we may say I'm hurt, 275 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,560 Speaker 1: we may sound embarrassed, and we may sound happy. Those 276 00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:58,560 Speaker 1: are pretty much as far as our emotional vocabulary goes. 277 00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:01,440 Speaker 1: But this emotion's list and you can literally google it. 278 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,400 Speaker 1: Just type in a Harvard emotional list. I call it 279 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:09,720 Speaker 1: emotional vocabulary. You can break down what type of anger 280 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,640 Speaker 1: you're feeling. So the list that I'm reading off right now, 281 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,680 Speaker 1: instead of saying you're angry, are you actually grumpy? Are 282 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:22,479 Speaker 1: you frustrated? Are you annoyed? Are you defensive? Maybe you're impatient? 283 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:27,520 Speaker 1: Are you disgusted? Are you offended or irritated? Notice how 284 00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:31,240 Speaker 1: they are all these different types of anger. And when 285 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:36,720 Speaker 1: we don't diagnose ourselves effectively, we don't feel understood by ourselves, 286 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:40,120 Speaker 1: and therefore when we communicate to other people, they don't 287 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:43,240 Speaker 1: fully understand us either. So we'll be like, oh, I'm upset, 288 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:45,800 Speaker 1: but it's like, what does that mean? How are you 289 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:47,520 Speaker 1: feeling right now? How can I help you? How can 290 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,360 Speaker 1: I help you feel better? And we do a bad 291 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:54,440 Speaker 1: job of communicating what we're actually experiencing. They also do 292 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:59,560 Speaker 1: this for the word hurt. Are you feeling jealous? Are 293 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:05,160 Speaker 1: you feeling betrayed? Are you feeling isolated or shocked, deprived, victimized, 294 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,639 Speaker 1: tormented or abandoned? There are so many ways. Now, I'm 295 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:10,200 Speaker 1: not saying you're gonna go to your next conversation and 296 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:12,720 Speaker 1: be like, I feel really tormented today, right, That's not 297 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:16,440 Speaker 1: my point. But I want you to expand your emotional 298 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:19,280 Speaker 1: vocabulary so that you can really see your emotions for 299 00:17:19,359 --> 00:17:21,879 Speaker 1: what they are. You can communicate your emotions for what 300 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,840 Speaker 1: they are. And why does this help you become more connected? 301 00:17:25,119 --> 00:17:28,760 Speaker 1: Because you're becoming more connected to what's actually going on. 302 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:33,640 Speaker 1: Rather than having a shallow, surface level relationship with yourself, 303 00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:38,320 Speaker 1: you now have a deep relationship. Rather than expressing yourself 304 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:45,160 Speaker 1: in a limited way, you're now allowing someone to understand 305 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:49,520 Speaker 1: the layers of what you're experiencing. Notice how the first 306 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,520 Speaker 1: two things are very much about you and connecting with 307 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:56,480 Speaker 1: yourself in order to do the others. Now, the third 308 00:17:56,480 --> 00:18:00,199 Speaker 1: one is probably one of my favorite ones, and it's 309 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:02,880 Speaker 1: one that I've tried a lot recently and I love it. 310 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:06,320 Speaker 1: It's called old new and new old. Now, the way 311 00:18:06,359 --> 00:18:09,840 Speaker 1: this works is when I meet an old friend, I 312 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,560 Speaker 1: try and connect on something new. A lot of us 313 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:15,520 Speaker 1: in our long term relationships we live in nostalgia. Oh 314 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:17,520 Speaker 1: do you remember when we went on that trip, Oh 315 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:19,520 Speaker 1: my gosh, do you remember the last day of school? 316 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:21,719 Speaker 1: Oh do you remember when you were dating so and so? 317 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:27,000 Speaker 1: And we use nostalgia as a way to build connection. 318 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:31,719 Speaker 1: Nothing wrong with that, Absolutely nothing wrong with that. But 319 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:37,399 Speaker 1: what's really important and special is making new memories with 320 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:40,000 Speaker 1: people that have been in your life for a long time. 321 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:43,480 Speaker 1: So if someone's an old friend, make a new memory 322 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:47,320 Speaker 1: with them. Stop making your relationship about nostalgia and the 323 00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:50,360 Speaker 1: good old days and the past, and think about how 324 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,199 Speaker 1: can I go and build a new memory with this 325 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:54,600 Speaker 1: person that we can talk about for the next few weeks, 326 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:58,440 Speaker 1: maybe the next couple of years. But let's build new memories. 327 00:18:59,119 --> 00:19:03,040 Speaker 1: Or what's something new I can discover about an old friend. 328 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,000 Speaker 1: It may be a new skill. I remember being with 329 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:08,960 Speaker 1: a family member that I hadn't spent time with since 330 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,240 Speaker 1: I was like sixteen years old. So it's like twenty 331 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:13,639 Speaker 1: years ago, and they kept saying to me. They said, Jay, 332 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:15,639 Speaker 1: you've changed so much, like you're so different. I'm like, 333 00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:18,200 Speaker 1: of course I have. It's been twenty years and it's 334 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,159 Speaker 1: really fascinating to me that they were more interested in 335 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,280 Speaker 1: the change as opposed to who I am today and 336 00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:26,640 Speaker 1: the newness. Right, And so I want you to think 337 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:29,680 Speaker 1: about who do you have who's an old friend, and 338 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:32,440 Speaker 1: how can you make new memories with them? How can 339 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:35,320 Speaker 1: you learn something new about who they are, what they do, 340 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:38,399 Speaker 1: what they love, what they value, what they believe in. 341 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,520 Speaker 1: Taking an interest in something new with someone old, building 342 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:45,520 Speaker 1: a new memory with someone old in your life can 343 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:49,159 Speaker 1: be really truly spectacular. And then it's the other way around, 344 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:52,919 Speaker 1: new old. So now with the new old, it's like, 345 00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,640 Speaker 1: who's a new person in your life that you can 346 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:58,560 Speaker 1: connect over something old. Maybe you grew up in the 347 00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:01,800 Speaker 1: same area. I was just doing a zoom keynote and 348 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:04,680 Speaker 1: the person who was talking to me was from near 349 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:06,960 Speaker 1: where I grew up in London as well and went 350 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:08,800 Speaker 1: to school, and we started talking about it. It was a 351 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,800 Speaker 1: new relationship, but we found an old connection. It was 352 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:14,119 Speaker 1: a new person that I didn't know, but we found 353 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:17,840 Speaker 1: an old common point to bond over to start a 354 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:21,280 Speaker 1: new relationship right, so old new, new old. It's one 355 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:24,040 Speaker 1: of my favorite things. When I meet someone new, I think, hey, 356 00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:26,240 Speaker 1: what do we have in common? What's in our past 357 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:29,520 Speaker 1: that may correlate or intersect? And when I have someone 358 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,000 Speaker 1: that has been in my life for a long time, 359 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,600 Speaker 1: I think, oh, well, what's a new memory we can make, right, 360 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,840 Speaker 1: what's something new that I can learn about them. It's 361 00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:41,480 Speaker 1: a really subtle art, but it's really really profound in 362 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:44,720 Speaker 1: how it can impact a conversation. Have it Number four 363 00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:48,159 Speaker 1: kind of links to number three. But we have to 364 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:53,240 Speaker 1: ask interesting questions otherwise everyone will appear uninteresting. I really 365 00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:56,200 Speaker 1: believe this. If you ask even the most interesting person 366 00:20:56,200 --> 00:21:00,000 Speaker 1: in the world uninteresting conversations and questions, they will appear 367 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:05,920 Speaker 1: uninteresting and you will appear uninterested. And that's why we struggle. 368 00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,080 Speaker 1: Because we've been taught to ask questions like, so, what 369 00:21:08,119 --> 00:21:10,600 Speaker 1: do you do? How is your week? What did you 370 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:12,400 Speaker 1: do this week? What did you do today? We even 371 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,520 Speaker 1: do that with our partners. And by the way, every 372 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:17,960 Speaker 1: time you ask your partner what did you do today, 373 00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:22,440 Speaker 1: it kind of creates an almost false pressure in them 374 00:21:23,119 --> 00:21:26,119 Speaker 1: of them having to have done something or achieved something. 375 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:30,000 Speaker 1: So this doesn't even apply to new connections. It applies 376 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,359 Speaker 1: to the friends you see every week and you go, 377 00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:33,960 Speaker 1: what did you do this week? And that question is 378 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,040 Speaker 1: something they've been asked for so many years that they 379 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:41,800 Speaker 1: have either a rehearsed, unconscious response or it puts pressure 380 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:43,600 Speaker 1: on them to have to think about what they did 381 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:48,240 Speaker 1: rather than a question that's more open and fascinating. I 382 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:51,040 Speaker 1: always like my final five from the podcast of like 383 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:53,200 Speaker 1: what's the best advice you've ever received? Or what's the 384 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,960 Speaker 1: worst advice you've ever received? I love asking someone like, 385 00:21:56,000 --> 00:22:00,240 Speaker 1: what's the best conversation you had this week? Or what's 386 00:22:00,359 --> 00:22:03,880 Speaker 1: the most interesting thing that happened to you this week? 387 00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,639 Speaker 1: And it allows for them to reflect and think, or 388 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:10,040 Speaker 1: were you bored at all this week? The opposite, and 389 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,600 Speaker 1: if you could learn anything, what would it be? Or 390 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,680 Speaker 1: what did you learn? Did you come across anything new 391 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:17,280 Speaker 1: this week? And it may take them a moment, give 392 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:20,720 Speaker 1: them some time, but this is especially valuable for the 393 00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:24,040 Speaker 1: people who've been in your life consistently and people you 394 00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:27,760 Speaker 1: see regularly, and we need to disrupt the pattern of 395 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,520 Speaker 1: the conversation. I think what happens is when you know 396 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:32,679 Speaker 1: someone well and they know you, you fall into the 397 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:36,800 Speaker 1: patterns of the same questions, the same conversations, the same chores, 398 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:41,440 Speaker 1: the same activities, and the question being how do we 399 00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:46,000 Speaker 1: create a method to actually shift the conversations so you 400 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:49,040 Speaker 1: actually catch the other person off guard, You surprise them. 401 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:51,639 Speaker 1: They hear something that they haven't heard before from you, 402 00:22:52,119 --> 00:22:54,919 Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, they start diving into a 403 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,240 Speaker 1: new topic. Maybe they even get to reflect, and you 404 00:22:57,280 --> 00:23:00,440 Speaker 1: give them the gift of introspection because they've not even 405 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:02,639 Speaker 1: had the time to do that, and now you've given 406 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:08,720 Speaker 1: them that opportunity. Number five, this habit deep versus shallow time. 407 00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,720 Speaker 1: This is a big, big wig one for me, maybe 408 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:14,560 Speaker 1: counterintuitive to what you think of me, but I generally 409 00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:17,920 Speaker 1: don't like spending time with people in large groups because 410 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:21,440 Speaker 1: it means I have to spend little time with everyone. 411 00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:25,359 Speaker 1: It almost reminds me of my wedding reception where we 412 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:29,920 Speaker 1: had so many guests. Indian weddings are notoriously large, and 413 00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:32,360 Speaker 1: OS was on the smaller side. Yet we still had 414 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:35,119 Speaker 1: like three four hundred people at our reception. Yes, that 415 00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:38,320 Speaker 1: is on the smaller side, and I remember that evening 416 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,639 Speaker 1: having to go around table to table to thank everyone 417 00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:43,480 Speaker 1: who came. Now, I was very grateful to everyone who came, 418 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:47,479 Speaker 1: but at the same time, I felt like I was torn. 419 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,879 Speaker 1: I felt like I couldn't be with the present, with 420 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,800 Speaker 1: the people that I wanted to be. I wanted to 421 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:55,320 Speaker 1: extend myself to everyone, but I wanted to make them 422 00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:58,320 Speaker 1: feel valued. And all of a sudden, you start spending 423 00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:01,840 Speaker 1: shallow time with everyone, and then you feel guilty for 424 00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:04,119 Speaker 1: not giving time to the people who you've known a 425 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:07,560 Speaker 1: long time, and you feel guilty because you feel not 426 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:10,159 Speaker 1: like you didn't honor the people who turned up, and 427 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:13,360 Speaker 1: then you just kind of feel upset, right like shallow 428 00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:18,480 Speaker 1: time doesn't help build a healthy sense of connection. And 429 00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:20,359 Speaker 1: I'm not saying don't go to parties or don't go 430 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:23,439 Speaker 1: to events, but if all of our social life, if 431 00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:26,400 Speaker 1: all of our connecting with others is done in big 432 00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:29,520 Speaker 1: groups where we get three minute conversations with everyone, and 433 00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:31,680 Speaker 1: all of a sudden, you're getting pulled in another direction, 434 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:34,840 Speaker 1: You're getting torn in another direction to talk to this 435 00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:38,600 Speaker 1: person or that person, or someone else comes in late 436 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:40,879 Speaker 1: and leaves early, and all of a sudden, you realize, 437 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:42,640 Speaker 1: wait a minute, what did I even talk about today. 438 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:46,480 Speaker 1: I basically had the same conversation seven times this evening. Right, Hey, 439 00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:47,840 Speaker 1: how's your week been, what have you been up to, 440 00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:49,320 Speaker 1: how's it all going? Oh? Sorry, I've got to run 441 00:24:49,359 --> 00:24:52,199 Speaker 1: off here. Okay, right, taking the time to say, you 442 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,800 Speaker 1: know what, I'm just going to do groups of eight, 443 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:57,919 Speaker 1: We're just going to do groups of five. You know what, 444 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:00,680 Speaker 1: I'm just going to do a one on one. How 445 00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:04,640 Speaker 1: do you feel up? How do you feel connected? Some 446 00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:06,679 Speaker 1: of us feel connected in bigger groups, some of us 447 00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:11,200 Speaker 1: feel connected in smaller groups. Create the group. Don't just 448 00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:13,920 Speaker 1: wait to be invited to everything else. Create the evening, 449 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:17,199 Speaker 1: create the invite, Create the moment that you need in 450 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:20,680 Speaker 1: your life. Think about whether all of your social life 451 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:23,000 Speaker 1: has become so shallow. And by the way, when I 452 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,760 Speaker 1: say shallow, I don't mean shallow people. I mean it's 453 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,919 Speaker 1: so shallow in surface level conversation because you haven't created 454 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:32,080 Speaker 1: an environment to have a deep connection. I had a 455 00:25:32,119 --> 00:25:35,720 Speaker 1: friend that came over a couple of weeks ago. She's awesome, 456 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:38,359 Speaker 1: I love her, and she came over to hang out 457 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:40,240 Speaker 1: with me and Radian. Before she came over, i'd asked her, 458 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:41,720 Speaker 1: I'd said, Hey, do you want me to invite anyone else, 459 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:43,159 Speaker 1: and she said, you know what, I'd just like to 460 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,159 Speaker 1: sit with both of you, being so nice to have that, 461 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:47,280 Speaker 1: And I said great, because I was hoping for the 462 00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:49,359 Speaker 1: same thing. I just didn't want you to feel bored. 463 00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:51,760 Speaker 1: And even checking in in that way with a friend 464 00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,200 Speaker 1: is so important, where I was like, oh gosh, I 465 00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:55,720 Speaker 1: don't want it to be bored if it's just her, 466 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,000 Speaker 1: and asked, and maybe she'll want to hang out and 467 00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:01,120 Speaker 1: see other people. And I realized that that's all she wanted, 468 00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:03,960 Speaker 1: and actually that was all we wanted, and it turned 469 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:08,000 Speaker 1: out to be a great evening to connect. Habit number six. 470 00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:13,320 Speaker 1: Look for patterns and connections where others don't see them. 471 00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:17,280 Speaker 1: Don't look at things as disconnected. I think a lot 472 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:19,960 Speaker 1: of us look at our life as disconnected. So we 473 00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:21,560 Speaker 1: look at our life as like, God, I've got to 474 00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:24,159 Speaker 1: spend time at work and at home. I've got life 475 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:26,800 Speaker 1: and I've got my career. And what that starts to 476 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,440 Speaker 1: do is it actually starts to create distance between how 477 00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:33,439 Speaker 1: your mind views things, rather than the understanding that if 478 00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:35,520 Speaker 1: I'm healthier at work, I'll be healthier at home, and 479 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:37,840 Speaker 1: if I'm healthier at home, I'll be healthier at work. 480 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:40,400 Speaker 1: So often what we try and do is say, gosh, 481 00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:41,920 Speaker 1: I need to spend less time at work and more 482 00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:45,280 Speaker 1: time at home. But what we're doing is we're letting 483 00:26:45,359 --> 00:26:50,920 Speaker 1: our absence at work bleed into being absent at home. Right. 484 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:53,800 Speaker 1: What's really interesting about the mind is we're constantly training 485 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:56,159 Speaker 1: it in the moment as to how we want it 486 00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:58,359 Speaker 1: to be. So for training the mind to not be 487 00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:01,119 Speaker 1: at work when we're at work, then the mind won't 488 00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:03,800 Speaker 1: be able to switch into being where it is when 489 00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:06,680 Speaker 1: it's at home. That way, we end up pushing away 490 00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:10,000 Speaker 1: our work family and our home family, and both tend 491 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,880 Speaker 1: to become a bit disenfranchised with the lack of our presence. 492 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,320 Speaker 1: And so look for patterns and connections where others don't 493 00:27:16,359 --> 00:27:20,040 Speaker 1: see them. Don't look at things as disconnected. Number seven. 494 00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:25,480 Speaker 1: Smile it strangers say hello. I do a hike pretty 495 00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:28,359 Speaker 1: much five times a week, different hikes, but sometimes the 496 00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:31,600 Speaker 1: same one. And one thing I love is seeing people 497 00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:35,640 Speaker 1: walk their dogs, smile, say hello, everyone wishes each other 498 00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:40,359 Speaker 1: good morning. It just creates an entryway for connection for 499 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:43,359 Speaker 1: the rest of the day. If I walk around with 500 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:46,960 Speaker 1: my head down, ignore people, avoid people, guess what I'm 501 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:49,879 Speaker 1: disconnecting myself. Whereas when I smile at people, when I 502 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:51,760 Speaker 1: say hello, when I greet them, when I greet their 503 00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:55,959 Speaker 1: dogs like it creates an energy of connection in your life. 504 00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:59,480 Speaker 1: It opens you up to start and spark conversations in 505 00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:02,560 Speaker 1: random places. I think we forget as to how we 506 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:05,480 Speaker 1: still go to grocery stores, we still go to coffee shops, 507 00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:07,359 Speaker 1: but we've got our head down on our phone. We 508 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:10,240 Speaker 1: don't take it as an opportunity to say hello, to 509 00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:13,600 Speaker 1: sparkle conversation with the barista, to have a moment of 510 00:28:14,119 --> 00:28:19,399 Speaker 1: small connection, but authentic connection. It doesn't need to be 511 00:28:19,720 --> 00:28:23,520 Speaker 1: this huge moment of deep connection. It can be these 512 00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:26,520 Speaker 1: small moments that are add up and make us feel 513 00:28:26,520 --> 00:28:28,840 Speaker 1: a part of a community. You can feel a part 514 00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:30,760 Speaker 1: of a coffee shop. You can feel a part of 515 00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:33,160 Speaker 1: a grocery store community. You can feel a part of 516 00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:37,160 Speaker 1: these places you go through and walk through every day. 517 00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:42,640 Speaker 1: If that's how you see it. Habit Number eight is 518 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:45,200 Speaker 1: how technologies helped me a lot. One of the things 519 00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:47,720 Speaker 1: I still do a lot is play code names through 520 00:28:47,800 --> 00:28:51,360 Speaker 1: horsepace dot com. And I love the idea of using 521 00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:53,920 Speaker 1: tech to play games with people because it's a great 522 00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:56,600 Speaker 1: way of reconnecting this week. I have a friend who's 523 00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:58,720 Speaker 1: in Europe at the moment, and we hadn't talked for 524 00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:00,920 Speaker 1: a while. We keep saying we want to see each other, 525 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:03,640 Speaker 1: and it's really interesting, isn't it. How like you keep saying, oh, yeah, 526 00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:04,880 Speaker 1: I can't wait to see you, I can't wait to 527 00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:06,600 Speaker 1: do this, I can't wait to do this, and you 528 00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:10,080 Speaker 1: keep putting it off because you know, everyone has busy schedules, 529 00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:12,200 Speaker 1: everyone has a lot going on. And for me, the 530 00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:14,720 Speaker 1: easiest thing was like, let's just schedule a call, right, 531 00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:17,120 Speaker 1: let's FaceTime. Yes, you may think it won't be good enough. 532 00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:19,360 Speaker 1: For guess what. It was more than good enough. I 533 00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:23,040 Speaker 1: felt reconnected. We spoke for an hour, and I do 534 00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:26,320 Speaker 1: the same with other friends. I remember. I often like 535 00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:29,160 Speaker 1: to just organize a games night with my friends back 536 00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:31,800 Speaker 1: in London, or I have a WhatsApp group with some 537 00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:33,800 Speaker 1: of my mates and I'll say, hey, let's just do 538 00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:35,520 Speaker 1: a zoom and let's all just get on it together 539 00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:38,320 Speaker 1: because I'm so far away, and it's so easy to 540 00:29:38,440 --> 00:29:42,000 Speaker 1: keep postponing connection, right, we all have that ability to 541 00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:44,320 Speaker 1: always postpone connection. We're like, all right, yeah, we'll meet 542 00:29:44,360 --> 00:29:46,720 Speaker 1: up next week, Okay, yeah, we'll meet up next month. 543 00:29:46,720 --> 00:29:48,480 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, we'll meet up next year. And it's like, 544 00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:52,240 Speaker 1: just get on the cour just do it, and it's 545 00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:54,200 Speaker 1: so much better than messaging. I think that's one of 546 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:57,480 Speaker 1: the things that messaging is great to get a connection started, 547 00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:00,719 Speaker 1: but shifting it to a call or a video conference 548 00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:03,520 Speaker 1: or whatever it may be makes such a big difference. 549 00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:11,960 Speaker 1: Having Number nine, giving giving creates connection. Now, giving doesn't 550 00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:16,640 Speaker 1: just include gifts. It includes food, and it also includes vulnerability. 551 00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:20,080 Speaker 1: When you give someone a part of you, a piece 552 00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:23,760 Speaker 1: of you, a truth about you, it allows you to 553 00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:26,360 Speaker 1: connect with them. And of course this has to be 554 00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:29,440 Speaker 1: done with a trusted person, in confidence, in a safe space, 555 00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:32,840 Speaker 1: with a person you feel safe around. It's very important 556 00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:35,720 Speaker 1: to do that. But that is also giving. I think 557 00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:38,160 Speaker 1: we think of giving as gifts, which is a beautiful 558 00:30:38,160 --> 00:30:40,280 Speaker 1: way to connect. I think the art of gift giving 559 00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:43,920 Speaker 1: has been so powerful in my life. And I receive 560 00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:45,760 Speaker 1: a meaningful gift from someone, or when I give a 561 00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:51,160 Speaker 1: meaningful gift from someone, it redefines the authenticity of that connection. 562 00:30:52,040 --> 00:30:54,720 Speaker 1: Number ten one of my favorite ones invite people for 563 00:30:54,880 --> 00:30:57,360 Speaker 1: ordinary tasks. My wife does this the best and it 564 00:30:57,400 --> 00:31:00,240 Speaker 1: has inspired me. She'll invite someone on her grocery run. 565 00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:03,160 Speaker 1: She'll invite someone obviously for one of her workouts. She'll 566 00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:07,000 Speaker 1: invite someone for something random that she wants to check out. 567 00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:10,320 Speaker 1: Invite people for ordinary tasks. I think we've made connection 568 00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:12,479 Speaker 1: feel so high pressured, where it has to be like 569 00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:15,239 Speaker 1: this big event or this you know, this moment of 570 00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:19,640 Speaker 1: doing something, or maybe it's too boring. But it's okay 571 00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:22,080 Speaker 1: to spend time with people in boring ways and find 572 00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:24,640 Speaker 1: joy in it. Sometimes I've invited people to do ordinary 573 00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:28,160 Speaker 1: things with me, and it actually leads to the best conversations. 574 00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:31,720 Speaker 1: So please invite people for ordinary tasks because it's a 575 00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:36,080 Speaker 1: great way of being connected. And Number eleven connecting with 576 00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:38,640 Speaker 1: people of all ages. I think as time's gone on, 577 00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:40,640 Speaker 1: we spend more and more time with people our age, 578 00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:43,760 Speaker 1: which is important and useful because we may be going 579 00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:46,480 Speaker 1: through similar things. But I was with a couple of 580 00:31:46,520 --> 00:31:48,760 Speaker 1: my friends a couple of weekends ago, and they're in 581 00:31:48,800 --> 00:31:51,840 Speaker 1: their sixties, and I don't consider them. Some people say, oh, yeah, 582 00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:54,840 Speaker 1: that's like my parents' friends, or that's like a family friend, 583 00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:58,800 Speaker 1: But I really consider them my friends, and they love 584 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:00,800 Speaker 1: hanging out with us, and we love hanging out with them, 585 00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:02,720 Speaker 1: and I think when you're with people of all ages. 586 00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:05,520 Speaker 1: I also have a lot of my close friends from 587 00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:08,560 Speaker 1: back in London are in their twenties and to me, 588 00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:10,840 Speaker 1: hanging out with them is brilliant. I think hanging out 589 00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:14,160 Speaker 1: with people of all different generations makes us feel connected 590 00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:18,560 Speaker 1: in different ways. From our elders we can learn from. 591 00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:21,000 Speaker 1: To the younger people we get an opportunity to give 592 00:32:21,080 --> 00:32:24,920 Speaker 1: and serve and share. To the people in our peer 593 00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:28,040 Speaker 1: group we get to support. I think trying to build 594 00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:31,880 Speaker 1: friendships of different ages and different generations is actually a 595 00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:35,520 Speaker 1: vital part of feeling complete as a human. I feel 596 00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:38,840 Speaker 1: so much healthier in my connectedness when I'm connected with 597 00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:42,440 Speaker 1: people from different backgrounds, different walks of life, and different ages. 598 00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:45,760 Speaker 1: I really hope that these habits serve you and you 599 00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:48,080 Speaker 1: try and practice them. Remember, just try and practice one. 600 00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:49,760 Speaker 1: I want you to feel more connected, I want you 601 00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:51,800 Speaker 1: to feel less lonely, and I want you to have 602 00:32:51,800 --> 00:32:55,000 Speaker 1: the opportunity to build authentic community. Know that it is 603 00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:58,720 Speaker 1: within your grasp. I'm sending you all the love. Just 604 00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:02,160 Speaker 1: try one of these things and watch how your life changes. 605 00:33:02,800 --> 00:33:05,200 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for trusting on purpose and trusting 606 00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:07,360 Speaker 1: me Jay, Sheddy and I'll see you again on the 607 00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:09,360 Speaker 1: next one. Thanks everyone,