WEBVTT - Self Image: From Social Media to Dating Apps 0:00:00.400 --> 0:00:04.520 I won't let my body out out well everything that 0:00:04.640 --> 0:00:07.920 I'm made don't won't spend my life trying to change. 0:00:08.640 --> 0:00:12.399 I'm learning to love who I am. I get I'm strong, 0:00:12.840 --> 0:00:15.840 I feel free, I know who every part of me 0:00:16.480 --> 0:00:24.000 it's beautiful and now will always out with if you 0:00:24.079 --> 0:00:27.200 feel it. With joys in the air, she'll love to 0:00:27.280 --> 0:00:29.960 the boom. I am there. Let's say good day and 0:00:30.920 --> 0:00:37.400 did you and die out? Happy Saturday. Outweigh fam Amy 0:00:37.479 --> 0:00:41.600 here and I've got licensed therapist Captive Fada, host of 0:00:41.680 --> 0:00:45.840 You Need Therapy Podcast here with me today. Lisa still 0:00:45.880 --> 0:00:48.839 out with the baby, which we're so excited to have 0:00:48.880 --> 0:00:51.279 her back very very soon. But in the meantime, we've 0:00:51.320 --> 0:00:53.599 got cat which I'm super thankful for it. And I'm 0:00:53.600 --> 0:00:56.800 going to share an email that Lisa and I received 0:00:56.880 --> 0:00:59.480 on our our Outweigh email, which y'all can send us 0:00:59.600 --> 0:01:03.360 notes if you would like. It's hello at Outweigh podcast 0:01:03.520 --> 0:01:05.959 dot com. We would love to hear from you, and 0:01:06.000 --> 0:01:08.160 this is a what we got. Hey. I'm writing today 0:01:08.200 --> 0:01:11.920 after listening to Jared from Pennsylvania call into the Bobby 0:01:11.959 --> 0:01:14.440 Bones Show to complain about how the women he's met 0:01:14.480 --> 0:01:17.240 on dating apps are all thirty to forty pounds heavier 0:01:17.280 --> 0:01:20.000 in person. Thank you for standing up to him. This 0:01:20.080 --> 0:01:22.360 is such a sensitive issue for me, and I'm sure 0:01:22.400 --> 0:01:25.440 for so many women and some men. I just wanted 0:01:25.480 --> 0:01:28.959 to suggest dating apps in recovery for a potential topic. 0:01:29.360 --> 0:01:31.640 I have struggled with eating disorders since the age of 0:01:31.720 --> 0:01:34.920 thirteen and finally started getting professional help in two thousand 0:01:35.000 --> 0:01:38.840 and eighteen, and I am currently mostly in recovery at 0:01:38.840 --> 0:01:42.000 age thirty seven. The shame in struggles that I've had 0:01:42.040 --> 0:01:45.160 with my body are among the main reasons I've put 0:01:45.240 --> 0:01:50.280 such little effort into online dating because Jared's call today 0:01:50.320 --> 0:01:53.120 represented one of my biggest fears that I'm going to 0:01:53.200 --> 0:01:57.600 be disappointing, especially now at my restored weight, which I 0:01:57.680 --> 0:02:00.680 acknowledge isn't a healthy way of thinking, but I'm working 0:02:00.720 --> 0:02:04.280 on it. I wish people like Jared could understand how 0:02:04.320 --> 0:02:07.800 complex self image can be. I honestly can't say that 0:02:07.880 --> 0:02:10.120 I know what I look like. I see myself in 0:02:10.160 --> 0:02:12.480 the mirror and then see myself in a picture or 0:02:12.520 --> 0:02:15.200 on a zoom call for work, and I think, who 0:02:15.320 --> 0:02:18.440 is that person? In pictures? I can look like an 0:02:18.600 --> 0:02:22.280 entirely different person from one frame to the next after 0:02:22.400 --> 0:02:25.520 making the mistake of reading the Facebook comments about this call, 0:02:25.760 --> 0:02:28.760 I'm feeling even worse about selecting the right pictures for 0:02:28.880 --> 0:02:31.799 my dating app should I eventually get back on one, 0:02:32.200 --> 0:02:34.720 especially since I live in Austin, where I feel like 0:02:34.760 --> 0:02:38.120 everyone is in great shape except for me. Anyway, thank 0:02:38.200 --> 0:02:41.440 you again for the great work and reading this. It's 0:02:41.440 --> 0:02:43.960 a tough mission to educate and support people on this 0:02:44.080 --> 0:02:47.960 complex topic, but y'all are doing an excellent job, so 0:02:48.160 --> 0:02:50.960 thank you for this email. I feel like there are 0:02:51.000 --> 0:02:54.680 a lot of Jared's in the world, But Cat she 0:02:54.760 --> 0:02:58.120 did ask for us to bring on an expert to 0:02:58.120 --> 0:03:01.880 talk about this, I think or she suggested it as 0:03:01.919 --> 0:03:05.160 a potential topic, and then I feel as though you're 0:03:05.520 --> 0:03:09.320 much better equipped to address like what we're dealing with 0:03:09.400 --> 0:03:12.880 as a whole as a society these days, with so 0:03:13.000 --> 0:03:16.480 many people being judged online for how they look, not 0:03:16.520 --> 0:03:19.799 only from others, but we're judging ourselves too. Yes, and 0:03:20.200 --> 0:03:22.880 I will say I'm not an expert on dating apps, 0:03:22.880 --> 0:03:24.799 but I think this is talking about a lot more 0:03:24.840 --> 0:03:28.079 than that. And side note, I did a whole episode 0:03:28.120 --> 0:03:31.000 on You Need Therapy that talks about dating apps and 0:03:31.040 --> 0:03:33.840 the differences and the challenges and the pros and the 0:03:33.880 --> 0:03:36.920 cons of all that. So that's one thing that I 0:03:36.920 --> 0:03:39.600 would suggest her to listen to. But I also would 0:03:39.640 --> 0:03:42.160 like to talk about this specific thing because I have 0:03:42.240 --> 0:03:44.480 some feelings about it. Go for it. I'm not familiar 0:03:44.480 --> 0:03:47.000 with what Jared said, and I'm not familiar with do 0:03:47.120 --> 0:03:50.600 I need to Just basically, he was calling in talking 0:03:50.640 --> 0:03:55.120 about how women are. He generalized that there are thirty 0:03:55.160 --> 0:03:58.760 to forty pounds bigger than their photos, and he's like, 0:03:58.840 --> 0:04:02.360 why are they doing this? They're tricking us, cat fishing 0:04:02.360 --> 0:04:04.960 in a way. I don't remember the specific details of 0:04:04.960 --> 0:04:06.320 the call, but I do know that he said that 0:04:06.400 --> 0:04:08.360 in A couple of the girls that work on our 0:04:08.360 --> 0:04:11.160 show that are on dating apps were very triggered by 0:04:11.200 --> 0:04:14.160 his comments and it was very upsetting. Well, here's the 0:04:14.200 --> 0:04:17.400 first thing is he's making this comment of like women 0:04:17.600 --> 0:04:20.600 are thirty to forty pounds heavier than their pictures. First 0:04:20.600 --> 0:04:22.719 of all, you what does that even mean? Because I 0:04:22.760 --> 0:04:25.640 think that sends that message that we can judge somebody's 0:04:25.680 --> 0:04:27.640 weight by what they look like, and you really can't. 0:04:27.839 --> 0:04:31.120 You have no idea, no idea. And also, dating apps 0:04:31.160 --> 0:04:35.280 can be somewhat superficial. Right, you're supposed to catch somebody's 0:04:35.279 --> 0:04:38.760 eye by the first picture that they see. Also, it's 0:04:38.800 --> 0:04:41.520 the swipe left, I think, or whatever the know is. 0:04:41.960 --> 0:04:43.680 And so of course people are going to want to 0:04:43.720 --> 0:04:47.240 put pictures out there that they think highlight them in 0:04:47.320 --> 0:04:50.960 the best way aesthetically, and I think that is one 0:04:51.000 --> 0:04:53.640 of the issues with dating apps in general. You're not 0:04:53.720 --> 0:04:57.559 getting information about a person first, You're getting their best 0:04:57.680 --> 0:05:01.720 curated picture. And everybody's putting their best pictures on, so 0:05:01.760 --> 0:05:05.360 it gives them it's like competition, right. So I think 0:05:05.440 --> 0:05:09.039 that's the first thing of just realizing that we're on 0:05:09.080 --> 0:05:15.640 a platform that is highlighting and projecting and promoting our 0:05:15.720 --> 0:05:18.680 looks are the most important thing in dating. I think 0:05:18.680 --> 0:05:21.479 that's a message that we're getting. Right. Here's the other 0:05:21.560 --> 0:05:24.560 thing I get that it makes me not want to 0:05:24.640 --> 0:05:27.360 engage in this because wow, that's I don't want somebody 0:05:27.400 --> 0:05:29.280 to think something negative about me, or I don't want 0:05:29.279 --> 0:05:32.159 somebody to be disappointed in me. And the truth is, 0:05:32.920 --> 0:05:36.400 some people will be disappointed in us, and some people 0:05:36.400 --> 0:05:39.200 will have thoughts that aren't great about us. But we 0:05:39.279 --> 0:05:43.839 can't make it all men are all women. I think 0:05:44.360 --> 0:05:48.719 not everybody is a Jared yeah, no, not everybody is everybody, 0:05:49.040 --> 0:05:51.720 And she was saying, it's not just happening to women, 0:05:51.800 --> 0:05:54.800 but it's it's happening to men too. Yeah. So a 0:05:54.920 --> 0:05:58.080 rule that I've created for that I suggest and promote 0:05:58.080 --> 0:05:59.720 for my clients, and then also I've done this in 0:05:59.760 --> 0:06:02.040 my own life is before you get on a dating app, 0:06:02.080 --> 0:06:04.240 because of the way that they are created and what 0:06:04.279 --> 0:06:07.719 they promote, it's important for you to decide what you 0:06:07.760 --> 0:06:09.839 think about yourself before you get on there. So have 0:06:09.920 --> 0:06:12.880 a foundation what do you believe about yourself before you 0:06:12.880 --> 0:06:15.640 get on there, because people are going to have opinions. 0:06:16.160 --> 0:06:18.839 Your opinion gets to be the most important opinion, the 0:06:18.960 --> 0:06:23.440 very best important opinion, not all these opinions of other people. 0:06:23.560 --> 0:06:26.640 So if somebody is disappointed by you, what you look 0:06:26.720 --> 0:06:29.840 like or whatever, that's okay because you already have a 0:06:29.880 --> 0:06:32.240 foundation of what you think. But if I don't have 0:06:32.279 --> 0:06:34.720 a foundation of what I think, then what they're saying 0:06:34.760 --> 0:06:38.279 about me is going to help create the message in 0:06:38.279 --> 0:06:40.760 the opinion I have about myself. It's like adding fuel 0:06:40.839 --> 0:06:44.920 to the fire already story yes, and then someone validates 0:06:44.960 --> 0:06:47.680 it for you, You're like, Okay, yeah, that person is right, 0:06:47.720 --> 0:06:50.240 when really they don't know, so we're in charge. We 0:06:50.320 --> 0:06:53.479 have to take that power back. Yes, the other thing 0:06:53.600 --> 0:06:56.000 that is hard and I want to know. I would 0:06:56.000 --> 0:06:57.800 like to know your feedback on this too. What's hard 0:06:57.839 --> 0:07:00.400 because of these dating apps it is picture based, and 0:07:00.480 --> 0:07:02.440 because we live in a world where you can face 0:07:02.480 --> 0:07:04.719 tune and edit and do anything and put a filter 0:07:04.800 --> 0:07:08.839 on anything, is we have this like pool to make 0:07:08.839 --> 0:07:11.320 sure that the pictures were putting putting up. There are 0:07:11.400 --> 0:07:14.800 like the most extravagant best pictures ever. And I like 0:07:15.080 --> 0:07:18.120 to throw the idea of what have you put pictures 0:07:18.120 --> 0:07:20.920 out there that best describe what your life looks like 0:07:20.920 --> 0:07:23.720 like you're out doing something. Yeah, you want a picture 0:07:23.720 --> 0:07:25.800 of you, but it shouldn't be just like all the 0:07:25.840 --> 0:07:28.800 best pictures of just your face edited with a filter. 0:07:29.040 --> 0:07:31.200 It's like you want them to see your personality. You 0:07:31.200 --> 0:07:33.720 don't want them to just see you. I mean, I'm 0:07:33.760 --> 0:07:36.320 for that. I I don't have experience with dating apps 0:07:36.320 --> 0:07:39.559 because I've been married for fifteen years, so that parts 0:07:39.560 --> 0:07:42.040 tricky for me. But I do think that we could 0:07:42.080 --> 0:07:43.920 carry this over. If you're not on a dating app, 0:07:43.960 --> 0:07:46.520 you could look at what does your Instagram feed look like? 0:07:47.080 --> 0:07:50.160 Or Facebook or whatever platform your what does your TikTok 0:07:50.200 --> 0:07:54.240 look like? And what are you seeing back every day 0:07:54.440 --> 0:07:57.080 of what you expect yourself to look like? Because are 0:07:57.120 --> 0:08:01.239 you filtering every picture? Are you faced tuning all your stuff? 0:08:01.280 --> 0:08:04.080 Do you feel the need before you throw something up 0:08:04.120 --> 0:08:06.600 on social to make sure that you've doctored it so 0:08:06.640 --> 0:08:10.200 that you've got the world's approval. Yeah. That part of 0:08:10.240 --> 0:08:12.960 that email that I was like, oh man, is when 0:08:12.960 --> 0:08:15.160 she was like, when I see myself in pictures and 0:08:15.200 --> 0:08:16.880 I look at myself in the mirror, I'm like, who 0:08:17.000 --> 0:08:19.680 is that person? Because when we take pictures, now that 0:08:19.720 --> 0:08:21.600 we have a digital camera and we can see the 0:08:21.640 --> 0:08:23.480 pictures and we can take as many as we want, 0:08:23.920 --> 0:08:26.760 you are getting the perfect picture. You're getting the perfect angle. 0:08:27.000 --> 0:08:30.239 When like I remember when I was younger, before digital camera, 0:08:30.360 --> 0:08:32.360 I would always have a disposable camera. You had no 0:08:32.440 --> 0:08:34.960 idea what the pictures are going to look like until 0:08:35.000 --> 0:08:36.840 you got them, and then it was just like, that's 0:08:36.880 --> 0:08:40.080 the picture we have. But now every picture that you're 0:08:40.120 --> 0:08:42.319 gonna put in a frame or post on your Instagram, 0:08:42.520 --> 0:08:45.520 you're gonna take five hundred of them. I posted this 0:08:45.640 --> 0:08:48.920 last December. I was taking this selfie. I was actually 0:08:48.960 --> 0:08:52.000 wearing that I'm fine, it's fine, everything's fine. Sure, And 0:08:52.000 --> 0:08:54.480 I was taking this selfie and I just wanted to 0:08:54.640 --> 0:08:56.800 like post a picture of me because I had just 0:08:56.920 --> 0:08:59.719 hung up my Christmas decorations and it was October and 0:08:59.760 --> 0:09:03.599 I just wanted to post picture of that. And I 0:09:03.640 --> 0:09:07.360 had when I opened up my camera, role probably fifty 0:09:07.520 --> 0:09:10.079 pictures because I was trying to get yes, if a 0:09:10.120 --> 0:09:12.520 self field me, that like wasn't even important, Like I 0:09:12.559 --> 0:09:16.200 wasn't trying to remember that photo. I wasn't even trying 0:09:16.200 --> 0:09:18.240 to get like I just wanted the perfect angle and 0:09:18.240 --> 0:09:19.880 I wanted to be able to read the shirt and 0:09:19.880 --> 0:09:22.280 see the Christmas tree and like wait, wait my face 0:09:22.280 --> 0:09:25.200 looked weird there or whatever. So I tried to curate 0:09:25.240 --> 0:09:29.120 this like perfect image. That picture wasn't important, But we 0:09:29.280 --> 0:09:31.520 have the ability to do that, so we're doing it 0:09:31.559 --> 0:09:34.920 all the time. So then then speaking to filters, like 0:09:35.080 --> 0:09:37.640 I've stopped using that what's that like first filter that 0:09:37.679 --> 0:09:40.360 you can just smooth your face Paris. I don't know 0:09:40.400 --> 0:09:42.679 what it is. It's the first one and it's literally 0:09:42.760 --> 0:09:46.360 it's magic. But I was going back and looking for 0:09:46.480 --> 0:09:49.920 a picture one time on my Instagram. Are you taking 0:09:49.920 --> 0:09:56.320 picture I'm talking, keep talking, keep talking. Yeah, it's I 0:09:56.360 --> 0:09:58.200 just wanted to go away because I was looking for 0:09:58.240 --> 0:10:00.240 a picture one time and I went back on you 0:10:00.280 --> 0:10:02.200 can look at your old stories, and I was looking 0:10:02.240 --> 0:10:04.080 at all these videos of me, and I was like, 0:10:04.120 --> 0:10:07.400 oh my gosh, I was so cute. What happened? Like? 0:10:07.760 --> 0:10:09.200 I was like, why don't I look like that anywhere? 0:10:09.200 --> 0:10:10.800 What happened to my skin? What happened? And then I 0:10:10.840 --> 0:10:13.040 was like, that is a filter. But I didn't know, 0:10:13.360 --> 0:10:16.760 like I'd forgotten. If I'm seeing myself like that over 0:10:16.800 --> 0:10:19.200 and over and over again, I'm going to think that 0:10:19.200 --> 0:10:21.040 that's what I look like, and I'm gonna be disappointed 0:10:21.080 --> 0:10:22.720 when I see myself in the mirror or when I 0:10:22.720 --> 0:10:25.520 just take a regular picture. I wouldn't think that if 0:10:25.520 --> 0:10:28.120 I had never seen myself with that right now. For me, 0:10:28.320 --> 0:10:30.480 I know that on me, I noticed a big difference 0:10:30.520 --> 0:10:33.760 between Paris and normal because I'm like, oh wow, but 0:10:33.880 --> 0:10:36.679 as your friend, right now, I videoed you and I'm 0:10:36.720 --> 0:10:39.480 swiping back from normal to Paris, and I feel like, 0:10:39.920 --> 0:10:42.320 but I would not the same. I know, I'm like, 0:10:42.360 --> 0:10:45.120 oh wow, so swaite that's Paris. To swipe back to 0:10:45.200 --> 0:10:48.040 normal and it's not that much of a difference, but 0:10:49.360 --> 0:10:51.920 that I would notice it on me too. So if 0:10:51.920 --> 0:10:55.600 this is something that you also deal with on a 0:10:55.679 --> 0:10:59.440 daily basis, then like Kat and I are obviously playing 0:10:59.440 --> 0:11:02.280 this out low, that you're not alone, that this is 0:11:02.320 --> 0:11:04.559 a real I don't want to overuse the word struggle, 0:11:04.600 --> 0:11:07.280 but it is, like we've it's this temptation that's put 0:11:07.400 --> 0:11:10.320 right before us, that makes with the click of a button, 0:11:11.040 --> 0:11:14.920 makes any imperfection kind of go away or tired eyes 0:11:15.080 --> 0:11:18.559 or wrinkled skin or blemish. But we don't look like that. 0:11:18.600 --> 0:11:21.160 We have tired eyes and wrinkled skin and blemishes. I mean, 0:11:21.200 --> 0:11:26.400 speak for yourselves. Just kidding, j K, j K, but 0:11:26.480 --> 0:11:30.840 I'm guilty of through Lisa. Actually, Lisa Hey, co host 0:11:30.880 --> 0:11:33.760 of this podcast with me, she put up a challenge 0:11:33.840 --> 0:11:36.480 on Instagram where I don't know if she was like 0:11:36.480 --> 0:11:39.560 an official challenge, but I felt personally challenged to not 0:11:39.679 --> 0:11:42.640 use filters anymore because she was giving that a go. 0:11:43.440 --> 0:11:45.840 So I stopped using it. But what I'll do now 0:11:45.920 --> 0:11:48.760 is I'm super calculated of lighting and so it's not 0:11:48.800 --> 0:11:51.160 a filter. Trust me. I don't just throw my camera 0:11:51.240 --> 0:11:53.560 up in any old lighting because I'm like WHOA, I'm 0:11:53.559 --> 0:11:56.480 shocked by it. But then I just you know, turn 0:11:56.520 --> 0:11:58.679 a different way in the shadows are just right, or 0:11:58.720 --> 0:12:02.320 I turned to under something, or I'm in my car 0:12:02.840 --> 0:12:05.880 and I put down my visor light. Pro tip if 0:12:05.920 --> 0:12:08.400 you're ever filming a video in your car, you can 0:12:08.440 --> 0:12:11.120 lower your visor and open up the little the light 0:12:11.160 --> 0:12:14.000 where you have a mirror, and that gives you great lighting. 0:12:14.120 --> 0:12:16.560 So then therefore, in a way, that's kind of is 0:12:16.600 --> 0:12:20.760 that a filter? Because I'm manipulating the situation to where 0:12:20.760 --> 0:12:22.880 I've got good lighting, but I'm not using a filter. 0:12:23.320 --> 0:12:26.079 Your thoughts, I don't know, well, I think I think 0:12:26.120 --> 0:12:29.120 I do that. It's not okay to want to be comfortable, 0:12:29.280 --> 0:12:31.959 It's okay. The thing here is it's okay to want 0:12:32.040 --> 0:12:35.959 to like what you look like in a picture. It's 0:12:35.960 --> 0:12:41.280 okay to want to feel good about the lighting in 0:12:41.320 --> 0:12:45.400 a video. But to what extremes are we going to 0:12:45.520 --> 0:12:47.920 do that? And then how is that affecting us when 0:12:47.960 --> 0:12:51.160 we can't control those yes, So like, are you are 0:12:51.240 --> 0:12:55.200 you derailed? Or you will keep you from posting something? 0:12:55.400 --> 0:12:57.960 If you're not a can't get the perfect lighting filter 0:12:58.000 --> 0:13:00.679 it or get the perfect lighting. If I being honest, 0:13:00.760 --> 0:13:02.960 I probably I'm like, oh gosh, I don't know, but 0:13:03.040 --> 0:13:07.240 like why I don't because because there's this expectation out 0:13:07.240 --> 0:13:10.679 there that we can't show up as our authentic Here's 0:13:10.720 --> 0:13:12.960 the challenge, though, because this is something that I'm really 0:13:13.000 --> 0:13:15.439 working on. And this goes to dating apps and Instagram 0:13:15.840 --> 0:13:18.920 remembering why were these things created? Why was Instagram created? 0:13:19.000 --> 0:13:20.880 And why did you want to use it? You are 0:13:20.920 --> 0:13:23.120 not on Instagram. I'm I'm making an assumption for you, 0:13:23.120 --> 0:13:25.400 but you are not on Instagram to give a curiod 0:13:25.559 --> 0:13:27.880 view of how perfect and wonderful your life and you are. 0:13:28.400 --> 0:13:30.760 You are a very relatable person and person who shows 0:13:30.840 --> 0:13:35.439 up is is authentically real with lighting with as as 0:13:35.800 --> 0:13:39.000 I think it's appropriate. So ore is your goal on 0:13:39.040 --> 0:13:41.760 Instagram to have everybody think you look good all the time? 0:13:41.840 --> 0:13:44.760 Is that necessary? No? And what message am I sending 0:13:45.040 --> 0:13:48.360 by always having this perfect lighting? Sometimes I'm in my 0:13:48.480 --> 0:13:51.560 office and there's bad lighting and I can't find good 0:13:51.640 --> 0:13:53.920 lighting and that's okay, And so I'm just going to 0:13:54.000 --> 0:13:57.040 post this video. And I don't think anybody that watches 0:13:57.080 --> 0:14:00.280 my stories is like, oh, she looks bad today appared 0:14:00.280 --> 0:14:03.240 to yesterday when she was in her car. Nobody's thinking that, 0:14:03.480 --> 0:14:04.719 so I have to go back to why would I 0:14:04.800 --> 0:14:06.800 be posting a video so people think I'm pretty or 0:14:06.800 --> 0:14:09.920 to get this message or this whatever I'm saying out well, 0:14:09.960 --> 0:14:12.800 you know, bringing up like why Instagram was created in 0:14:12.840 --> 0:14:14.960 the first place. A couple of weeks ago, an article 0:14:15.240 --> 0:14:17.720 came out in the Wall Street Journal talking about how 0:14:17.920 --> 0:14:21.880 Instagram is actually well, they say they're quote unquote working 0:14:22.080 --> 0:14:25.400 on body image issues after a whole report was done 0:14:25.440 --> 0:14:29.520 saying that it's toxic to teen girls and that Mark 0:14:29.560 --> 0:14:32.200 Suckerberg has been aware of this for quite some time. 0:14:32.280 --> 0:14:35.400 But it's like, well, they're not really doing anything about 0:14:35.480 --> 0:14:40.000 it because they continue to make it easy to alter 0:14:40.160 --> 0:14:44.160 yourselves and they continue to they make it. It's addicting 0:14:44.320 --> 0:14:46.360 and we know it, and so we keep going back 0:14:46.440 --> 0:14:48.520 for more. I don't want to get off topic, like 0:14:48.560 --> 0:14:51.680 talking about being a teenager during these times, But if 0:14:51.680 --> 0:14:55.080 you are an adult listening to this, and whether it's 0:14:55.200 --> 0:14:57.440 you're not feeling comfortable in your skin on a dating 0:14:57.480 --> 0:14:59.920 app or you're not feeling comfortable in your skin on 0:15:00.080 --> 0:15:03.560 social media, it's kind of the same because people are 0:15:03.640 --> 0:15:06.320 viewing you and you feel as though they're judging you. 0:15:07.040 --> 0:15:09.240 Here's the other thing, too. Let me back up, I 0:15:09.280 --> 0:15:13.280 feel nervous sometimes that because of me curating my lighting 0:15:13.960 --> 0:15:16.840 in my videos that sometimes if listeners meet me out 0:15:16.880 --> 0:15:19.480 in public in bad lighting, they're gonna be like, what 0:15:19.880 --> 0:15:22.040 that is not what her face looks like? And that's 0:15:22.080 --> 0:15:24.960 kind of what I guess what same thing. People dating 0:15:24.960 --> 0:15:27.680 online are looking at pictures and then they meet the 0:15:27.680 --> 0:15:30.080 person and they're like, what that's not what the person 0:15:30.120 --> 0:15:33.040 looks like? So what do we do? I think that 0:15:33.080 --> 0:15:35.520 we go back to the why is a dating app created? 0:15:35.560 --> 0:15:38.840 A Dating apps were created to help people meet people. 0:15:38.920 --> 0:15:42.280 Dating apps were created for people who either don't have time, 0:15:42.680 --> 0:15:45.440 don't have the essential energy to make it easier for 0:15:45.480 --> 0:15:48.280 people to meet people, to help them find partners if 0:15:48.320 --> 0:15:50.720 that's what they want. And so you're saying, be intentional 0:15:50.720 --> 0:15:53.440 about the content you curate on there and make sure 0:15:53.480 --> 0:15:57.760 you're including you living your life, like what displays your personality, 0:15:58.120 --> 0:16:03.480 and if you're attracting people that are going to judge, 0:16:03.960 --> 0:16:05.720 there will be people on there that are going to 0:16:05.840 --> 0:16:08.080 judge you. I think that's the issue. Is like, the 0:16:08.160 --> 0:16:10.680 solution to the Instagram thing is not to just everybody 0:16:10.720 --> 0:16:13.080 delete Instagram, and the solution for the dating app thing 0:16:13.200 --> 0:16:16.160 might not be well, I just can't do dating apps anymore. 0:16:16.440 --> 0:16:18.920 Because she's saying the email, I was like, I don't 0:16:18.960 --> 0:16:20.760 know that I'm ready to get back into that because 0:16:20.800 --> 0:16:22.800 it's so it's well. I think if you go to 0:16:22.800 --> 0:16:24.760 the first part of I have to create a foundation 0:16:24.800 --> 0:16:26.600 of knowing who I am, what I am, and what 0:16:26.640 --> 0:16:29.440 I think about myself. After I do that, then I 0:16:29.480 --> 0:16:32.320 can strategically what is the point of me going on 0:16:32.360 --> 0:16:33.920 this dating app? What is the point of me being 0:16:33.960 --> 0:16:36.960 on Instagram? Is it to get affirmation because I don't 0:16:37.000 --> 0:16:40.200 have a foundation. I'll be honest. When dating apps were created, 0:16:40.520 --> 0:16:42.480 heck yeah, I would download a dating app if I 0:16:42.520 --> 0:16:44.320 was feeling bad about myself and I just wanted to 0:16:44.320 --> 0:16:47.160 get some quick affirmation. Hopefully that's not what I would 0:16:47.200 --> 0:16:49.920 be doing now. It's why am I on here? I'm 0:16:49.960 --> 0:16:53.160 going to have people because the pool is so big 0:16:53.360 --> 0:16:56.800 dating apps, you are connected to thousands of people where 0:16:56.800 --> 0:16:59.760 you wouldn't be connected to those people before. So with 0:16:59.840 --> 0:17:02.360 there's going to be more people who are not attracted 0:17:02.360 --> 0:17:04.080 to you. There's going to be more people who are 0:17:04.160 --> 0:17:06.280 judging you, There's gonna be more people who are you 0:17:06.359 --> 0:17:08.359 name it. There's also going to be more people that 0:17:08.440 --> 0:17:10.600 are going to be interested in you. And so it's 0:17:10.720 --> 0:17:13.000 one knowing that that's just gonna happen. But if I 0:17:13.040 --> 0:17:15.720 have my foundation, it's still gonna hurt. It never feels 0:17:15.720 --> 0:17:18.000 good if somebody's like, I don't like you. But at 0:17:18.000 --> 0:17:20.200 the same time, you already have a foundation, So it's 0:17:20.200 --> 0:17:22.000 not going to be make it or break it. But 0:17:22.040 --> 0:17:23.480 if we go back to why am I on the 0:17:23.560 --> 0:17:26.119 dating mapp, it's not to just get affirmation. It's to 0:17:26.320 --> 0:17:29.119 find a human that I connect with. To find a 0:17:29.160 --> 0:17:31.359 human I connect with, I'm probably going to have to 0:17:31.440 --> 0:17:34.880 weed through people who I don't connect with. And occasionally 0:17:34.880 --> 0:17:37.760 you might be listening to a national radio show and 0:17:37.800 --> 0:17:41.560 hear a guy named Jared call in and be completely rude. 0:17:41.800 --> 0:17:44.200 Don't let that if like cats saying if your firm 0:17:44.240 --> 0:17:47.640 and your foundation, the call may not affect you, it's 0:17:47.800 --> 0:17:50.600 bad or maybe you have tools in your toki. I 0:17:50.680 --> 0:17:52.400 know that's him, but I can see how I mean, 0:17:52.440 --> 0:17:54.119 there was girls that were upset, like I felt the 0:17:54.160 --> 0:17:56.760 need to like stand up for women. He can't he 0:17:57.040 --> 0:17:59.520 I could see where girls would be upset if they 0:17:59.520 --> 0:18:01.359 were on dating apps and they heard this jerk on 0:18:01.440 --> 0:18:05.920 the air talking about how basically girls just put pictures up. Yeah, 0:18:05.960 --> 0:18:09.359 and he's like, got this number of thirty pounds. It's 0:18:09.080 --> 0:18:12.240 he that calls scary, Like his judgment is scary. I 0:18:12.280 --> 0:18:14.520 don't like it, and I'm not saying that it's okay 0:18:14.680 --> 0:18:17.840 at all. What I also know is we can't control 0:18:18.400 --> 0:18:20.639 all of the Jareds in the world. You can only 0:18:20.680 --> 0:18:24.000 control us, and so the Jareds are the janets because 0:18:24.000 --> 0:18:26.360 some women might do it too, if you're a guy 0:18:26.440 --> 0:18:30.719 listening or however you identify um. But if I'm also 0:18:30.840 --> 0:18:33.240 looking at when we're creating dating apps, there's so much 0:18:33.240 --> 0:18:36.560 pressure or dating your profile. What do you want to highlight? 0:18:36.600 --> 0:18:39.159 Do you want to be the most attractive person on 0:18:39.200 --> 0:18:41.880 the app? Or do you want to put out content 0:18:42.000 --> 0:18:44.679 on your profile that shows who you are and be 0:18:44.800 --> 0:18:47.440 proud of that, Like create a profile you are proud 0:18:47.480 --> 0:18:50.800 of versus a profile you think is going to attract men. 0:18:51.359 --> 0:18:54.240 That's a difference. Boom. End of story and good luck. 0:18:54.280 --> 0:18:56.520 I hope that you get back on the dating apps. 0:18:56.600 --> 0:18:59.879 And it's hard, yeah, especially if you feel like I 0:19:00.000 --> 0:19:01.520 don't even want to touch on this comment because she 0:19:02.119 --> 0:19:04.080 sort of ended it. It It was just like especially living 0:19:04.119 --> 0:19:06.560 in Austin, a place where everybody is fit except me. 0:19:06.880 --> 0:19:11.320 That's all or nothing too, And and that is a lie. 0:19:11.680 --> 0:19:14.200 Yeah that's not true. It's not true. But that's something 0:19:14.200 --> 0:19:17.520 that you're reiterating by especially even typing it out. So 0:19:17.560 --> 0:19:19.720 we want you to know that that is not true, 0:19:20.320 --> 0:19:23.560 and you have value and change that story and change 0:19:23.600 --> 0:19:26.199 that the story everybody is fit except me as a 0:19:26.240 --> 0:19:28.920 story that you have put in your head, and then 0:19:29.000 --> 0:19:31.240 that changes the way you view things and you hear things. 0:19:31.560 --> 0:19:34.320 So change that story. Give her an example of changing 0:19:34.320 --> 0:19:37.600 the story. My fitness level is different than other people's 0:19:37.600 --> 0:19:40.919 and that's okay. There you go, tell yourself that my 0:19:40.960 --> 0:19:45.520 fitness level does not dictate my worth. A million things. 0:19:45.720 --> 0:19:48.240 People are not friends with me or maybe want to 0:19:48.320 --> 0:19:51.080 date me simply because of my fitness level. I'm not 0:19:51.200 --> 0:19:53.439 looking for a partner who has attracted solely to my 0:19:53.440 --> 0:19:57.280 fitness level. Like there's a million things, new stories, new stories, 0:19:57.560 --> 0:19:59.760 all right, So there you go. Hopefully that was helpful 0:19:59.840 --> 0:20:02.840 to some of you, And uh, don't forget. If you 0:20:02.880 --> 0:20:04.600