Speaker 1: I won't let my body out out well everything that
Speaker 1: I'm made don't won't spend my life trying to change.
Speaker 1: I'm learning to love who I am. I get I'm strong,
Speaker 1: I feel free, I know who every part of me
Speaker 1: it's beautiful and now will always out with if you
Speaker 1: feel it. With joys in the air, she'll love to
Speaker 1: the boom. I am there. Let's say good day and
Speaker 1: did you and die out? Happy Saturday. Outweigh fam Amy
Speaker 1: here and I've got licensed therapist Captive Fada, host of
Speaker 1: You Need Therapy Podcast here with me today. Lisa still
Speaker 1: out with the baby, which we're so excited to have
Speaker 1: her back very very soon. But in the meantime, we've
Speaker 1: got cat which I'm super thankful for it. And I'm
Speaker 1: going to share an email that Lisa and I received
Speaker 1: on our our Outweigh email, which y'all can send us
Speaker 1: notes if you would like. It's hello at Outweigh podcast
Speaker 1: dot com. We would love to hear from you, and
Speaker 1: this is a what we got. Hey. I'm writing today
Speaker 1: after listening to Jared from Pennsylvania call into the Bobby
Speaker 1: Bones Show to complain about how the women he's met
Speaker 1: on dating apps are all thirty to forty pounds heavier
Speaker 1: in person. Thank you for standing up to him. This
Speaker 1: is such a sensitive issue for me, and I'm sure
Speaker 1: for so many women and some men. I just wanted
Speaker 1: to suggest dating apps in recovery for a potential topic.
Speaker 1: I have struggled with eating disorders since the age of
Speaker 1: thirteen and finally started getting professional help in two thousand
Speaker 1: and eighteen, and I am currently mostly in recovery at
Speaker 1: age thirty seven. The shame in struggles that I've had
Speaker 1: with my body are among the main reasons I've put
Speaker 1: such little effort into online dating because Jared's call today
Speaker 1: represented one of my biggest fears that I'm going to
Speaker 1: be disappointing, especially now at my restored weight, which I
Speaker 1: acknowledge isn't a healthy way of thinking, but I'm working
Speaker 1: on it. I wish people like Jared could understand how
Speaker 1: complex self image can be. I honestly can't say that
Speaker 1: I know what I look like. I see myself in
Speaker 1: the mirror and then see myself in a picture or
Speaker 1: on a zoom call for work, and I think, who
Speaker 1: is that person? In pictures? I can look like an
Speaker 1: entirely different person from one frame to the next after
Speaker 1: making the mistake of reading the Facebook comments about this call,
Speaker 1: I'm feeling even worse about selecting the right pictures for
Speaker 1: my dating app should I eventually get back on one,
Speaker 1: especially since I live in Austin, where I feel like
Speaker 1: everyone is in great shape except for me. Anyway, thank
Speaker 1: you again for the great work and reading this. It's
Speaker 1: a tough mission to educate and support people on this
Speaker 1: complex topic, but y'all are doing an excellent job, so
Speaker 1: thank you for this email. I feel like there are
Speaker 1: a lot of Jared's in the world, But Cat she
Speaker 1: did ask for us to bring on an expert to
Speaker 1: talk about this, I think or she suggested it as
Speaker 1: a potential topic, and then I feel as though you're
Speaker 1: much better equipped to address like what we're dealing with
Speaker 1: as a whole as a society these days, with so
Speaker 1: many people being judged online for how they look, not
Speaker 1: only from others, but we're judging ourselves too. Yes, and
Speaker 1: I will say I'm not an expert on dating apps,
Speaker 1: but I think this is talking about a lot more
Speaker 1: than that. And side note, I did a whole episode
Speaker 1: on You Need Therapy that talks about dating apps and
Speaker 1: the differences and the challenges and the pros and the
Speaker 1: cons of all that. So that's one thing that I
Speaker 1: would suggest her to listen to. But I also would
Speaker 1: like to talk about this specific thing because I have
Speaker 1: some feelings about it. Go for it. I'm not familiar
Speaker 1: with what Jared said, and I'm not familiar with do
Speaker 1: I need to Just basically, he was calling in talking
Speaker 1: about how women are. He generalized that there are thirty
Speaker 1: to forty pounds bigger than their photos, and he's like,
Speaker 1: why are they doing this? They're tricking us, cat fishing
Speaker 1: in a way. I don't remember the specific details of
Speaker 1: the call, but I do know that he said that
Speaker 1: in A couple of the girls that work on our
Speaker 1: show that are on dating apps were very triggered by
Speaker 1: his comments and it was very upsetting. Well, here's the
Speaker 1: first thing is he's making this comment of like women
Speaker 1: are thirty to forty pounds heavier than their pictures. First
Speaker 1: of all, you what does that even mean? Because I
Speaker 1: think that sends that message that we can judge somebody's
Speaker 1: weight by what they look like, and you really can't.
Speaker 1: You have no idea, no idea. And also, dating apps
Speaker 1: can be somewhat superficial. Right, you're supposed to catch somebody's
Speaker 1: eye by the first picture that they see. Also, it's
Speaker 1: the swipe left, I think, or whatever the know is.
Speaker 1: And so of course people are going to want to
Speaker 1: put pictures out there that they think highlight them in
Speaker 1: the best way aesthetically, and I think that is one
Speaker 1: of the issues with dating apps in general. You're not
Speaker 1: getting information about a person first, You're getting their best
Speaker 1: curated picture. And everybody's putting their best pictures on, so
Speaker 1: it gives them it's like competition, right. So I think
Speaker 1: that's the first thing of just realizing that we're on
Speaker 1: a platform that is highlighting and projecting and promoting our
Speaker 1: looks are the most important thing in dating. I think
Speaker 1: that's a message that we're getting. Right. Here's the other
Speaker 1: thing I get that it makes me not want to
Speaker 1: engage in this because wow, that's I don't want somebody
Speaker 1: to think something negative about me, or I don't want
Speaker 1: somebody to be disappointed in me. And the truth is,
Speaker 1: some people will be disappointed in us, and some people
Speaker 1: will have thoughts that aren't great about us. But we
Speaker 1: can't make it all men are all women. I think
Speaker 1: not everybody is a Jared yeah, no, not everybody is everybody,
Speaker 1: And she was saying, it's not just happening to women,
Speaker 1: but it's it's happening to men too. Yeah. So a
Speaker 1: rule that I've created for that I suggest and promote
Speaker 1: for my clients, and then also I've done this in
Speaker 1: my own life is before you get on a dating app,
Speaker 1: because of the way that they are created and what
Speaker 1: they promote, it's important for you to decide what you
Speaker 1: think about yourself before you get on there. So have
Speaker 1: a foundation what do you believe about yourself before you
Speaker 1: get on there, because people are going to have opinions.
Speaker 1: Your opinion gets to be the most important opinion, the
Speaker 1: very best important opinion, not all these opinions of other people.
Speaker 1: So if somebody is disappointed by you, what you look
Speaker 1: like or whatever, that's okay because you already have a
Speaker 1: foundation of what you think. But if I don't have
Speaker 1: a foundation of what I think, then what they're saying
Speaker 1: about me is going to help create the message in
Speaker 1: the opinion I have about myself. It's like adding fuel
Speaker 1: to the fire already story yes, and then someone validates
Speaker 1: it for you, You're like, Okay, yeah, that person is right,
Speaker 1: when really they don't know, so we're in charge. We
Speaker 1: have to take that power back. Yes, the other thing
Speaker 1: that is hard and I want to know. I would
Speaker 1: like to know your feedback on this too. What's hard
Speaker 1: because of these dating apps it is picture based, and
Speaker 1: because we live in a world where you can face
Speaker 1: tune and edit and do anything and put a filter
Speaker 1: on anything, is we have this like pool to make
Speaker 1: sure that the pictures were putting putting up. There are
Speaker 1: like the most extravagant best pictures ever. And I like
Speaker 1: to throw the idea of what have you put pictures
Speaker 1: out there that best describe what your life looks like
Speaker 1: like you're out doing something. Yeah, you want a picture
Speaker 1: of you, but it shouldn't be just like all the
Speaker 1: best pictures of just your face edited with a filter.
Speaker 1: It's like you want them to see your personality. You
Speaker 1: don't want them to just see you. I mean, I'm
Speaker 1: for that. I I don't have experience with dating apps
Speaker 1: because I've been married for fifteen years, so that parts
Speaker 1: tricky for me. But I do think that we could
Speaker 1: carry this over. If you're not on a dating app,
Speaker 1: you could look at what does your Instagram feed look like?
Speaker 1: Or Facebook or whatever platform your what does your TikTok
Speaker 1: look like? And what are you seeing back every day
Speaker 1: of what you expect yourself to look like? Because are
Speaker 1: you filtering every picture? Are you faced tuning all your stuff?
Speaker 1: Do you feel the need before you throw something up
Speaker 1: on social to make sure that you've doctored it so
Speaker 1: that you've got the world's approval. Yeah. That part of
Speaker 1: that email that I was like, oh man, is when
Speaker 1: she was like, when I see myself in pictures and
Speaker 1: I look at myself in the mirror, I'm like, who
Speaker 1: is that person? Because when we take pictures, now that
Speaker 1: we have a digital camera and we can see the
Speaker 1: pictures and we can take as many as we want,
Speaker 1: you are getting the perfect picture. You're getting the perfect angle.
Speaker 1: When like I remember when I was younger, before digital camera,
Speaker 1: I would always have a disposable camera. You had no
Speaker 1: idea what the pictures are going to look like until
Speaker 1: you got them, and then it was just like, that's
Speaker 1: the picture we have. But now every picture that you're
Speaker 1: gonna put in a frame or post on your Instagram,
Speaker 1: you're gonna take five hundred of them. I posted this
Speaker 1: last December. I was taking this selfie. I was actually
Speaker 1: wearing that I'm fine, it's fine, everything's fine. Sure, And
Speaker 1: I was taking this selfie and I just wanted to
Speaker 1: like post a picture of me because I had just
Speaker 1: hung up my Christmas decorations and it was October and
Speaker 1: I just wanted to post picture of that. And I
Speaker 1: had when I opened up my camera, role probably fifty
Speaker 1: pictures because I was trying to get yes, if a
Speaker 1: self field me, that like wasn't even important, Like I
Speaker 1: wasn't trying to remember that photo. I wasn't even trying
Speaker 1: to get like I just wanted the perfect angle and
Speaker 1: I wanted to be able to read the shirt and
Speaker 1: see the Christmas tree and like wait, wait my face
Speaker 1: looked weird there or whatever. So I tried to curate
Speaker 1: this like perfect image. That picture wasn't important, But we
Speaker 1: have the ability to do that, so we're doing it
Speaker 1: all the time. So then then speaking to filters, like
Speaker 1: I've stopped using that what's that like first filter that
Speaker 1: you can just smooth your face Paris. I don't know
Speaker 1: what it is. It's the first one and it's literally
Speaker 1: it's magic. But I was going back and looking for
Speaker 1: a picture one time on my Instagram. Are you taking
Speaker 1: picture I'm talking, keep talking, keep talking. Yeah, it's I
Speaker 1: just wanted to go away because I was looking for
Speaker 1: a picture one time and I went back on you
Speaker 1: can look at your old stories, and I was looking
Speaker 1: at all these videos of me, and I was like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I was so cute. What happened? Like?
Speaker 1: I was like, why don't I look like that anywhere?
Speaker 1: What happened to my skin? What happened? And then I
Speaker 1: was like, that is a filter. But I didn't know,
Speaker 1: like I'd forgotten. If I'm seeing myself like that over
Speaker 1: and over and over again, I'm going to think that
Speaker 1: that's what I look like, and I'm gonna be disappointed
Speaker 1: when I see myself in the mirror or when I
Speaker 1: just take a regular picture. I wouldn't think that if
Speaker 1: I had never seen myself with that right now. For me,
Speaker 1: I know that on me, I noticed a big difference
Speaker 1: between Paris and normal because I'm like, oh wow, but
Speaker 1: as your friend, right now, I videoed you and I'm
Speaker 1: swiping back from normal to Paris, and I feel like,
Speaker 1: but I would not the same. I know, I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh wow, so swaite that's Paris. To swipe back to
Speaker 1: normal and it's not that much of a difference, but
Speaker 1: that I would notice it on me too. So if
Speaker 1: this is something that you also deal with on a
Speaker 1: daily basis, then like Kat and I are obviously playing
Speaker 1: this out low, that you're not alone, that this is
Speaker 1: a real I don't want to overuse the word struggle,
Speaker 1: but it is, like we've it's this temptation that's put
Speaker 1: right before us, that makes with the click of a button,
Speaker 1: makes any imperfection kind of go away or tired eyes
Speaker 1: or wrinkled skin or blemish. But we don't look like that.
Speaker 1: We have tired eyes and wrinkled skin and blemishes. I mean,
Speaker 1: speak for yourselves. Just kidding, j K, j K, but
Speaker 1: I'm guilty of through Lisa. Actually, Lisa Hey, co host
Speaker 1: of this podcast with me, she put up a challenge
Speaker 1: on Instagram where I don't know if she was like
Speaker 1: an official challenge, but I felt personally challenged to not
Speaker 1: use filters anymore because she was giving that a go.
Speaker 1: So I stopped using it. But what I'll do now
Speaker 1: is I'm super calculated of lighting and so it's not
Speaker 1: a filter. Trust me. I don't just throw my camera
Speaker 1: up in any old lighting because I'm like WHOA, I'm
Speaker 1: shocked by it. But then I just you know, turn
Speaker 1: a different way in the shadows are just right, or
Speaker 1: I turned to under something, or I'm in my car
Speaker 1: and I put down my visor light. Pro tip if
Speaker 1: you're ever filming a video in your car, you can
Speaker 1: lower your visor and open up the little the light
Speaker 1: where you have a mirror, and that gives you great lighting.
Speaker 1: So then therefore, in a way, that's kind of is
Speaker 1: that a filter? Because I'm manipulating the situation to where
Speaker 1: I've got good lighting, but I'm not using a filter.
Speaker 1: Your thoughts, I don't know, well, I think I think
Speaker 1: I do that. It's not okay to want to be comfortable,
Speaker 1: It's okay. The thing here is it's okay to want
Speaker 1: to like what you look like in a picture. It's
Speaker 1: okay to want to feel good about the lighting in
Speaker 1: a video. But to what extremes are we going to
Speaker 1: do that? And then how is that affecting us when
Speaker 1: we can't control those yes, So like, are you are
Speaker 1: you derailed? Or you will keep you from posting something?
Speaker 1: If you're not a can't get the perfect lighting filter
Speaker 1: it or get the perfect lighting. If I being honest,
Speaker 1: I probably I'm like, oh gosh, I don't know, but
Speaker 1: like why I don't because because there's this expectation out
Speaker 1: there that we can't show up as our authentic Here's
Speaker 1: the challenge, though, because this is something that I'm really
Speaker 1: working on. And this goes to dating apps and Instagram
Speaker 1: remembering why were these things created? Why was Instagram created?
Speaker 1: And why did you want to use it? You are
Speaker 1: not on Instagram. I'm I'm making an assumption for you,
Speaker 1: but you are not on Instagram to give a curiod
Speaker 1: view of how perfect and wonderful your life and you are.
Speaker 1: You are a very relatable person and person who shows
Speaker 1: up is is authentically real with lighting with as as
Speaker 1: I think it's appropriate. So ore is your goal on
Speaker 1: Instagram to have everybody think you look good all the time?
Speaker 1: Is that necessary? No? And what message am I sending
Speaker 1: by always having this perfect lighting? Sometimes I'm in my
Speaker 1: office and there's bad lighting and I can't find good
Speaker 1: lighting and that's okay, And so I'm just going to
Speaker 1: post this video. And I don't think anybody that watches
Speaker 1: my stories is like, oh, she looks bad today appared
Speaker 1: to yesterday when she was in her car. Nobody's thinking that,
Speaker 1: so I have to go back to why would I
Speaker 1: be posting a video so people think I'm pretty or
Speaker 1: to get this message or this whatever I'm saying out well,
Speaker 1: you know, bringing up like why Instagram was created in
Speaker 1: the first place. A couple of weeks ago, an article
Speaker 1: came out in the Wall Street Journal talking about how
Speaker 1: Instagram is actually well, they say they're quote unquote working
Speaker 1: on body image issues after a whole report was done
Speaker 1: saying that it's toxic to teen girls and that Mark
Speaker 1: Suckerberg has been aware of this for quite some time.
Speaker 1: But it's like, well, they're not really doing anything about
Speaker 1: it because they continue to make it easy to alter
Speaker 1: yourselves and they continue to they make it. It's addicting
Speaker 1: and we know it, and so we keep going back
Speaker 1: for more. I don't want to get off topic, like
Speaker 1: talking about being a teenager during these times, But if
Speaker 1: you are an adult listening to this, and whether it's
Speaker 1: you're not feeling comfortable in your skin on a dating
Speaker 1: app or you're not feeling comfortable in your skin on
Speaker 1: social media, it's kind of the same because people are
Speaker 1: viewing you and you feel as though they're judging you.
Speaker 1: Here's the other thing, too. Let me back up, I
Speaker 1: feel nervous sometimes that because of me curating my lighting
Speaker 1: in my videos that sometimes if listeners meet me out
Speaker 1: in public in bad lighting, they're gonna be like, what
Speaker 1: that is not what her face looks like? And that's
Speaker 1: kind of what I guess what same thing. People dating
Speaker 1: online are looking at pictures and then they meet the
Speaker 1: person and they're like, what that's not what the person
Speaker 1: looks like? So what do we do? I think that
Speaker 1: we go back to the why is a dating app created?
Speaker 1: A Dating apps were created to help people meet people.
Speaker 1: Dating apps were created for people who either don't have time,
Speaker 1: don't have the essential energy to make it easier for
Speaker 1: people to meet people, to help them find partners if
Speaker 1: that's what they want. And so you're saying, be intentional
Speaker 1: about the content you curate on there and make sure
Speaker 1: you're including you living your life, like what displays your personality,
Speaker 1: and if you're attracting people that are going to judge,
Speaker 1: there will be people on there that are going to
Speaker 1: judge you. I think that's the issue. Is like, the
Speaker 1: solution to the Instagram thing is not to just everybody
Speaker 1: delete Instagram, and the solution for the dating app thing
Speaker 1: might not be well, I just can't do dating apps anymore.
Speaker 1: Because she's saying the email, I was like, I don't
Speaker 1: know that I'm ready to get back into that because
Speaker 1: it's so it's well. I think if you go to
Speaker 1: the first part of I have to create a foundation
Speaker 1: of knowing who I am, what I am, and what
Speaker 1: I think about myself. After I do that, then I
Speaker 1: can strategically what is the point of me going on
Speaker 1: this dating app? What is the point of me being
Speaker 1: on Instagram? Is it to get affirmation because I don't
Speaker 1: have a foundation. I'll be honest. When dating apps were created,
Speaker 1: heck yeah, I would download a dating app if I
Speaker 1: was feeling bad about myself and I just wanted to
Speaker 1: get some quick affirmation. Hopefully that's not what I would
Speaker 1: be doing now. It's why am I on here? I'm
Speaker 1: going to have people because the pool is so big
Speaker 1: dating apps, you are connected to thousands of people where
Speaker 1: you wouldn't be connected to those people before. So with
Speaker 1: there's going to be more people who are not attracted
Speaker 1: to you. There's going to be more people who are
Speaker 1: judging you, There's gonna be more people who are you
Speaker 1: name it. There's also going to be more people that
Speaker 1: are going to be interested in you. And so it's
Speaker 1: one knowing that that's just gonna happen. But if I
Speaker 1: have my foundation, it's still gonna hurt. It never feels
Speaker 1: good if somebody's like, I don't like you. But at
Speaker 1: the same time, you already have a foundation, So it's
Speaker 1: not going to be make it or break it. But
Speaker 1: if we go back to why am I on the
Speaker 1: dating mapp, it's not to just get affirmation. It's to
Speaker 1: find a human that I connect with. To find a
Speaker 1: human I connect with, I'm probably going to have to
Speaker 1: weed through people who I don't connect with. And occasionally
Speaker 1: you might be listening to a national radio show and
Speaker 1: hear a guy named Jared call in and be completely rude.
Speaker 1: Don't let that if like cats saying if your firm
Speaker 1: and your foundation, the call may not affect you, it's
Speaker 1: bad or maybe you have tools in your toki. I
Speaker 1: know that's him, but I can see how I mean,
Speaker 1: there was girls that were upset, like I felt the
Speaker 1: need to like stand up for women. He can't he
Speaker 1: I could see where girls would be upset if they
Speaker 1: were on dating apps and they heard this jerk on
Speaker 1: the air talking about how basically girls just put pictures up. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and he's like, got this number of thirty pounds. It's
Speaker 1: he that calls scary, Like his judgment is scary. I
Speaker 1: don't like it, and I'm not saying that it's okay
Speaker 1: at all. What I also know is we can't control
Speaker 1: all of the Jareds in the world. You can only
Speaker 1: control us, and so the Jareds are the janets because
Speaker 1: some women might do it too, if you're a guy
Speaker 1: listening or however you identify um. But if I'm also
Speaker 1: looking at when we're creating dating apps, there's so much
Speaker 1: pressure or dating your profile. What do you want to highlight?
Speaker 1: Do you want to be the most attractive person on
Speaker 1: the app? Or do you want to put out content
Speaker 1: on your profile that shows who you are and be
Speaker 1: proud of that, Like create a profile you are proud
Speaker 1: of versus a profile you think is going to attract men.
Speaker 1: That's a difference. Boom. End of story and good luck.
Speaker 1: I hope that you get back on the dating apps.
Speaker 1: And it's hard, yeah, especially if you feel like I
Speaker 1: don't even want to touch on this comment because she
Speaker 1: sort of ended it. It It was just like especially living
Speaker 1: in Austin, a place where everybody is fit except me.
Speaker 1: That's all or nothing too, And and that is a lie.
Speaker 1: Yeah that's not true. It's not true. But that's something
Speaker 1: that you're reiterating by especially even typing it out. So
Speaker 1: we want you to know that that is not true,
Speaker 1: and you have value and change that story and change
Speaker 1: that the story everybody is fit except me as a
Speaker 1: story that you have put in your head, and then
Speaker 1: that changes the way you view things and you hear things.
Speaker 1: So change that story. Give her an example of changing
Speaker 1: the story. My fitness level is different than other people's
Speaker 1: and that's okay. There you go, tell yourself that my
Speaker 1: fitness level does not dictate my worth. A million things.
Speaker 1: People are not friends with me or maybe want to
Speaker 1: date me simply because of my fitness level. I'm not
Speaker 1: looking for a partner who has attracted solely to my
Speaker 1: fitness level. Like there's a million things, new stories, new stories,
Speaker 1: all right, So there you go. Hopefully that was helpful
Speaker 1: to some of you, And uh, don't forget. If you
Speaker 1: want to email us, you can hit us up hello
Speaker 1: at outweigh podcast dot com. Thank you cat Defata for
Speaker 1: joining us. Hope y'all are on Instagram. Y'all can find
Speaker 1: her at cat k A T dot de fata d
Speaker 1: e f A T t a