WEBVTT - The Invisible Weight of Olympic Gold 0:00:14.956 --> 0:00:31.796 Pushkin hay Slight Changers. So I love the Olympics. Every 0:00:31.836 --> 0:00:35.316 two years, I get totally obsessed, and then I experience 0:00:35.516 --> 0:00:38.156 at least a month of withdrawal when the games are over. 0:00:39.076 --> 0:00:43.236 As a cognitive scientist, I'm particularly fascinated by the mindset 0:00:43.276 --> 0:00:47.796 of Olympians. I'm curious about their psychological journeys, from the 0:00:47.836 --> 0:00:50.516 moment they pick up the sport to the final push 0:00:50.556 --> 0:00:53.076 out of the race gate, to the aftermath of their 0:00:53.116 --> 0:00:56.396 careers when they can no longer compete at the highest levels. 0:00:56.796 --> 0:00:59.396 Not long ago, I had the honor of speaking with 0:00:59.516 --> 0:01:04.196 five time Olympic gold medalist swimmer Missy Franklin, who competed 0:01:04.236 --> 0:01:07.836 in both the twenty twelve and twenty sixteen Summer Olympics. 0:01:08.156 --> 0:01:12.596 When Missy returns for her second Olympics, things felt markedly different. 0:01:13.396 --> 0:01:17.036 Rather than having nothing to prove, she now had everything 0:01:17.076 --> 0:01:20.276 to prove and the pool felt like a pressure cooker. 0:01:20.876 --> 0:01:24.916 In our conversation, Missy spoke bravely about how her mental 0:01:24.956 --> 0:01:28.476 health suffered behind the scenes and how she began to heal. 0:01:29.436 --> 0:01:31.916 With the Olympics in full swing right now, it felt 0:01:31.956 --> 0:01:34.356 like the perfect time to share this episode with you. 0:01:34.916 --> 0:01:35.876 I hope you enjoy it. 0:01:47.156 --> 0:01:51.316 I remember sitting behind the wheel just crying the entire 0:01:51.476 --> 0:01:54.956 way to practice and just knowing that I was gonna go, 0:01:55.076 --> 0:01:56.996 and that I was about to jump into a freezing 0:01:57.036 --> 0:01:59.876 cold pool and swim for two hours and be disappointed 0:01:59.876 --> 0:02:00.516 with how I did. 0:02:01.476 --> 0:02:05.396 Swimmer Missy Franklin won four Olympic gold medals as a teenager, 0:02:06.156 --> 0:02:08.916 but as she trained for her second Olympics, she found 0:02:08.916 --> 0:02:13.676 her self unexpectedly struggling with so much to defend. The 0:02:13.716 --> 0:02:16.036 pool suddenly felt like a pressure cooker. 0:02:16.556 --> 0:02:19.036 This is not just a swim mate, this is who 0:02:19.076 --> 0:02:22.716 I am. And if I don't do this, why am 0:02:22.716 --> 0:02:24.956 I here? What is my worth? I have none? If 0:02:24.996 --> 0:02:26.356 I can't do this and do it well. 0:02:30.156 --> 0:02:34.076 On today's episode, when the loss of an identity threatens 0:02:34.076 --> 0:02:38.916 your self worth, I'm maya Shunker and this is a 0:02:38.916 --> 0:02:41.756 slight change of plans, a show about who we are 0:02:41.916 --> 0:02:52.076 and who we become in the face of a big change. 0:02:56.596 --> 0:03:00.396 At just seventeen years old, Missy Franklin was laser focused 0:03:00.436 --> 0:03:03.956 on qualifying for the twenty twelve Olympics in London. This 0:03:04.076 --> 0:03:07.396 dream was years in the making. From the time Missy 0:03:07.476 --> 0:03:09.916 was a little kid, swimming had been at the center 0:03:09.996 --> 0:03:10.636 of her life. 0:03:11.276 --> 0:03:14.036 I got into the water because my mom never learned 0:03:14.036 --> 0:03:16.116 how to swim, and she didn't want to pass that 0:03:16.156 --> 0:03:18.836 fear down onto me, and she signed us up for 0:03:18.876 --> 0:03:21.396 a mommy and me class at our local YMCA when 0:03:21.396 --> 0:03:24.476 I was six months old, and I was that baby 0:03:24.516 --> 0:03:27.276 that was getting dunked under and coming back up, just 0:03:27.596 --> 0:03:31.116 laughing and loving every second of it. And so even 0:03:31.236 --> 0:03:35.836 though to some it seems crazy to be training for 0:03:35.836 --> 0:03:39.556 an Olympics at seventeen, to me, I was just doing 0:03:39.596 --> 0:03:42.636 what I loved every single day, and there was hard work, 0:03:43.076 --> 0:03:46.436 but I never saw anything I did as sacrifice because 0:03:46.436 --> 0:03:49.236 it was my goal and it was my dream. I 0:03:49.316 --> 0:03:53.036 wasn't concerned about other people's expectations. I wasn't concerned about 0:03:53.116 --> 0:03:55.996 what other people wanted me to achieve. I had my 0:03:56.036 --> 0:03:58.676 own dreams, my own goals, and I was focused on those. 0:03:58.796 --> 0:04:01.516 So in twenty twelve, that's just what I was working 0:04:01.556 --> 0:04:02.636 towards every single day. 0:04:03.716 --> 0:04:06.876 You mentioned that you never thought of your commitment as 0:04:06.956 --> 0:04:09.996 sacrifice because you loved it so much. Share a bit 0:04:09.996 --> 0:04:12.156 more about what that commitment looked like. What was your 0:04:12.196 --> 0:04:14.636 everyday life like in the lead up to twenty twelve? 0:04:15.156 --> 0:04:19.076 We'd practice Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, so that means swimming twice, 0:04:19.156 --> 0:04:21.316 once in the morning, once in the afternoon, each for 0:04:21.396 --> 0:04:24.916 about two hours. And then we'd have single swim sessions 0:04:24.996 --> 0:04:28.276 on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. But I don't think people 0:04:29.156 --> 0:04:32.356 can sometimes totally comprehend the fact that it is a 0:04:32.556 --> 0:04:36.116 twenty four to seven job because everything needs to be 0:04:36.116 --> 0:04:39.476 supported by everything you're doing outside of that space as well. 0:04:39.836 --> 0:04:42.836 So it's your sleep, it's your nutrition, it's your recovery. 0:04:43.196 --> 0:04:45.836 And then also I was seventeen years old, right, so 0:04:45.876 --> 0:04:46.836 I was going to high school. 0:04:47.116 --> 0:04:48.636 I was still in school every. 0:04:48.396 --> 0:04:52.076 Single day, and then traveling and doing different promos for 0:04:52.116 --> 0:04:55.476 the United States Olympic and Paralympic Committee and NBC and 0:04:55.956 --> 0:04:59.316 traveling for different meats preparing leading up to that summer. 0:04:59.556 --> 0:05:02.516 But it sounds like a lot. It was also all 0:05:02.516 --> 0:05:05.676 that I knew, So to me, that was just life. 0:05:06.116 --> 0:05:10.236 Yeah, tell me a bit more about where your head 0:05:10.316 --> 0:05:12.836 was at as you were you were prepping for London, 0:05:12.916 --> 0:05:16.036 and it's wow, like maybe these big dreams of mine 0:05:16.196 --> 0:05:17.156 can actually come true. 0:05:17.596 --> 0:05:21.516 Yeah, So I think heading into London, my goal truly 0:05:21.796 --> 0:05:24.316 was to make the team. Like that was really all 0:05:24.356 --> 0:05:26.556 that I had set on myself. And if you talk 0:05:26.676 --> 0:05:30.636 to any swimmer, they will tell you that Olympic trials 0:05:30.876 --> 0:05:34.636 is infinitely more intense and more pressure filled than the 0:05:34.676 --> 0:05:39.516 actual Olympics themselves, because once you made the team, you 0:05:39.596 --> 0:05:42.196 made it right, You're an Olympian, Like you get to 0:05:42.236 --> 0:05:44.676 be an Olympian for the rest of your life. But 0:05:45.156 --> 0:05:49.756 our races come down to hundreds of a second, and 0:05:49.836 --> 0:05:53.116 so there's no room for mistake, there's no room for air. 0:05:53.596 --> 0:05:56.076 You might get sick, you might get injured, like if 0:05:56.156 --> 0:05:58.676 you have a bad sleep the night before, Like there's 0:05:58.756 --> 0:06:02.716 so many variables that could impact these singular eight days 0:06:02.756 --> 0:06:05.316 that you have to make an Olympic team. 0:06:05.796 --> 0:06:09.396 M hm. You had mentioned to me that you you 0:06:09.396 --> 0:06:12.356 didn't feel the pressure, the weight of other people's expectations 0:06:12.396 --> 0:06:15.396 at this stage, and so was that partly why you 0:06:15.436 --> 0:06:19.996 were able to be cool and collected during those trials. 0:06:20.236 --> 0:06:22.156 I think a lot of it was just the. 0:06:23.716 --> 0:06:26.836 Fact that I was seventeen and I was naive, and 0:06:26.876 --> 0:06:30.636 that just absolutely played to my advantage of again, I 0:06:30.796 --> 0:06:32.436 was just out there doing what I loved. 0:06:33.396 --> 0:06:37.396 So, I mean, Missy, your performance in those games was 0:06:37.476 --> 0:06:41.476 just absolutely unreal. Do you mind sharing your accomplishments. 0:06:41.956 --> 0:06:46.116 So after Olympic Trials, I had qualified for my first 0:06:46.196 --> 0:06:51.156 Olympic Games and seven events, and then actually arriving in London, 0:06:51.436 --> 0:06:53.716 being in the village and getting to walk onto the 0:06:53.756 --> 0:06:56.476 Olympic pool deck for the first time, all of it 0:06:56.516 --> 0:06:59.156 was just so surreal. I ended up walking away from 0:06:59.196 --> 0:07:02.916 those games with four gold medals, one bronze, and two 0:07:02.996 --> 0:07:03.796 world records. 0:07:05.396 --> 0:07:11.076 Oh my gosh, sorry, so astonishing to hear those words, 0:07:11.476 --> 0:07:13.476 like I know that, I know that, but just to 0:07:13.556 --> 0:07:15.836 like hear that is insane. It's like, oh, yeah, I 0:07:15.836 --> 0:07:18.796 forgot about the bronze ones as well, and like the 0:07:18.836 --> 0:07:22.036 world records, And is there any specific memory you have 0:07:22.476 --> 0:07:25.636 from those games and your celebrations. 0:07:25.156 --> 0:07:27.756 Yeah, oh my gosh, And it has nothing to do 0:07:27.836 --> 0:07:30.636 with a single one of those medals. The night that 0:07:30.676 --> 0:07:33.276 I had won my first gold medal, I was still 0:07:33.316 --> 0:07:36.796 writing such a high from that whole evening and just 0:07:37.076 --> 0:07:39.156 everything that came with it. And we were at the 0:07:39.196 --> 0:07:42.116 warm up pool in the village and I checked my 0:07:42.196 --> 0:07:49.156 phone and I had a tweet from Justin Bieber and I. 0:07:48.156 --> 0:07:49.876 Lost my mind. 0:07:50.156 --> 0:07:53.956 Like if you can just imagine like seventeen year old 0:07:53.996 --> 0:07:58.396 Missy like running circles around the pool in the middle 0:07:58.436 --> 0:08:01.396 of the Olympic village, just like screaming like a little 0:08:01.476 --> 0:08:03.756 girl that she'd gotten a tweet from Justin Bieber. Like 0:08:04.116 --> 0:08:07.956 it just was like the perfect example of again. Yes, 0:08:08.036 --> 0:08:10.156 I was so happy to be there. I couldn't believe 0:08:10.196 --> 0:08:12.556 I was accomplishing those things. But I was also just 0:08:12.596 --> 0:08:13.956 a seventeen year old girl. 0:08:14.356 --> 0:08:17.236 Wow. So I want to talk about the aftermath of 0:08:17.316 --> 0:08:20.436 your success, because sometimes we don't pay enough attention to 0:08:20.516 --> 0:08:24.756 what follows these massive, epic, life changing wins. You know, 0:08:24.796 --> 0:08:28.196 you come back to the US and your four time 0:08:28.356 --> 0:08:32.916 gold medalist, Missy Franklin, you immediately go back to training 0:08:32.996 --> 0:08:37.636 and preparing for now the twenty sixteen Olympic Games. And 0:08:38.156 --> 0:08:40.876 as you started to train for those, you began to 0:08:40.956 --> 0:08:44.716 face some new challenges. Do you mind telling me a 0:08:44.756 --> 0:08:45.436 bit about those? 0:08:45.836 --> 0:08:47.436 Yeah, that's funnily enough. 0:08:47.476 --> 0:08:50.076 What a lot of people don't understand is that as 0:08:50.076 --> 0:08:52.356 soon as an Olympic Games is over, we might take 0:08:52.396 --> 0:08:54.996 a couple of weeks off, but the next summer for 0:08:55.076 --> 0:08:58.236 US as World Championships, and so we get right back 0:08:58.276 --> 0:09:00.996 into training because we have a really serious meet again 0:09:01.196 --> 0:09:05.236 next summer. And so I remember particularly coming back from 0:09:05.276 --> 0:09:09.996 London and thinking that I wanted to prove that I 0:09:10.076 --> 0:09:12.676 wasn't just a one hit wonder, that I wanted to 0:09:12.716 --> 0:09:16.636 go to Worlds in twenty thirteen and have an unbelievable 0:09:16.636 --> 0:09:19.436 performance almost to back London up in a way, to 0:09:19.516 --> 0:09:23.076 kind of prove that I can do this again. And 0:09:23.116 --> 0:09:26.436 so I worked so hard that year, which was my 0:09:26.476 --> 0:09:29.316 senior year of high school, ended up going to Worlds. 0:09:29.356 --> 0:09:32.756 I won six gold medals at World Championships and it 0:09:32.836 --> 0:09:35.876 was just like again a dream experience. 0:09:36.076 --> 0:09:37.556 And then I went to college. 0:09:37.796 --> 0:09:41.036 So I swam for two years at the University of California, Berkeley, 0:09:41.516 --> 0:09:44.676 and then I turned professional in twenty fifteen, leading up 0:09:44.756 --> 0:09:48.836 to the twenty sixteen Olympic Games in Rio, and I 0:09:48.876 --> 0:09:52.796 would say that that was when things really changed for me. 0:09:53.396 --> 0:09:55.636 I was at that point twenty years old, so I 0:09:55.716 --> 0:09:59.356 was still very young, but I was no longer naive. 0:09:59.516 --> 0:10:02.676 I was no longer a rookie. It's so hard getting 0:10:02.676 --> 0:10:06.916 to the top, but it's even harder staying there. And 0:10:07.196 --> 0:10:10.436 now I did have those expectations and that pressure, and 0:10:10.516 --> 0:10:13.996 then you add new sponsors on top of that, and 0:10:14.036 --> 0:10:17.796 swimming now becoming my job as opposed to just something 0:10:17.836 --> 0:10:21.276 that I love and enjoy, and I think that for 0:10:21.316 --> 0:10:27.036 me is what completely changed my mindset and I lost 0:10:27.236 --> 0:10:31.436 all sense of balance during that time. I think I 0:10:31.476 --> 0:10:34.156 got in the mindset for Rio that in order for 0:10:34.196 --> 0:10:36.956 me to be the best I'd ever been, I needed 0:10:36.996 --> 0:10:41.276 to just commit and devote myself fully to my sport. 0:10:41.596 --> 0:10:43.676 I think for some athletes. 0:10:43.756 --> 0:10:47.876 It works to completely devote themselves to their sport and 0:10:47.996 --> 0:10:50.356 to not have balance in their life just to be 0:10:50.516 --> 0:10:53.196 They live and they breathe their sport, and that is 0:10:53.236 --> 0:10:56.876 what works for them. I learned in that period that 0:10:56.876 --> 0:11:00.596 that is not something that worked for me. When swimming 0:11:00.636 --> 0:11:04.436 became my whole world, it also became my whole identity, 0:11:04.956 --> 0:11:09.676 and so bad practices, bad races, I began equation with 0:11:10.076 --> 0:11:14.276 bad sense of self and self worth and self esteem, 0:11:14.596 --> 0:11:16.676 and so it was such a hard time for me. 0:11:16.756 --> 0:11:19.116 I was very, very lonely, and. 0:11:19.796 --> 0:11:22.476 I started to feel the world's pressure on me as well, 0:11:22.556 --> 0:11:25.076 that not only was I expected to make the team, 0:11:25.276 --> 0:11:27.596 but I was expected to go back to Rio and 0:11:27.636 --> 0:11:30.396 have an even better performance there than I did in London. 0:11:31.956 --> 0:11:34.716 What was it now like day to day as your training? 0:11:35.036 --> 0:11:37.316 It was so hard for me Maya because there were 0:11:37.436 --> 0:11:41.076 days that I was so confused because I had never 0:11:41.156 --> 0:11:42.156 felt like this before. 0:11:42.236 --> 0:11:42.836 So there were. 0:11:42.716 --> 0:11:45.636 Mornings where my alarm would go off at four forty five. 0:11:45.956 --> 0:11:48.116 I'd be getting up on my way to practice, but 0:11:48.196 --> 0:11:52.356 I remember sitting behind the wheel just crying the entire 0:11:52.476 --> 0:11:55.596 way to practice and just knowing that I was going 0:11:55.676 --> 0:11:57.676 to go, and that I was about to jump into 0:11:57.676 --> 0:12:00.236 a freezing cold pool and swim for two hours and 0:12:00.276 --> 0:12:02.756 be disappointed with how I did, but I was going 0:12:02.796 --> 0:12:04.636 to do it anyway because I felt like I had 0:12:04.636 --> 0:12:06.236 no choice. 0:12:06.436 --> 0:12:09.476 I've read that when people had asked young this, like 0:12:09.516 --> 0:12:12.036 seventeen year old missy, what advice do you have for 0:12:12.156 --> 0:12:14.396 people who don't want to go to practice or a 0:12:14.516 --> 0:12:19.396 struggling with their motivation, you would cheepishly feel like, I've 0:12:19.396 --> 0:12:21.756 never really had that problem. Yeah, but I just love 0:12:21.876 --> 0:12:24.836 going to the pool, and I actually don't face those 0:12:24.836 --> 0:12:27.156 motivational challenges because this is the thing that I'm so 0:12:27.276 --> 0:12:27.996 passionate about. 0:12:28.876 --> 0:12:32.276 It was so funny to me that I was put 0:12:32.316 --> 0:12:35.596 in those situations, and I would always feel so horrible 0:12:36.076 --> 0:12:38.196 when I would have young athletes come up and ask 0:12:38.276 --> 0:12:40.876 what to do in periods of plateau or when they 0:12:40.876 --> 0:12:44.156 weren't feeling motivated, and I would have nothing to say. 0:12:44.396 --> 0:12:47.116 I had truly just always been so happy and enjoyed 0:12:47.116 --> 0:12:50.556 the sports so much, And the amount of other swimmers 0:12:50.636 --> 0:12:52.956 that would come up to me after they had gotten 0:12:53.036 --> 0:12:55.636 to know me that told me we thought it was 0:12:55.676 --> 0:12:58.116 an act, like we thought that it was all for 0:12:58.196 --> 0:13:00.956 the media, that it was all like that you just 0:13:01.036 --> 0:13:03.836 love like we didn't believe that someone could actually love 0:13:03.876 --> 0:13:06.276 this sport that much. And now that we know you, 0:13:06.916 --> 0:13:10.756 we see that it's real and authentic and you actually 0:13:10.836 --> 0:13:13.556 love swimming as much as you say you do about that, 0:13:13.996 --> 0:13:17.636 and that completely disappeared. Leading up to Rio, I think 0:13:17.676 --> 0:13:21.916 I became so focused on the expectation and I put 0:13:22.156 --> 0:13:26.716 so much pressure on myself that swimming very very quickly 0:13:27.316 --> 0:13:29.116 became not fun for me. 0:13:29.836 --> 0:13:32.756 What was what was happening to your mental health around 0:13:32.756 --> 0:13:33.196 this time? 0:13:33.756 --> 0:13:37.116 So I don't think I really realized what was happening 0:13:37.916 --> 0:13:41.276 because I had never experienced anything like this, and so 0:13:42.116 --> 0:13:44.996 it was months and months and months before I think 0:13:44.996 --> 0:13:48.596 it finally hit me that this is something bigger, like 0:13:48.756 --> 0:13:52.036 something much deeper is going on here that I don't 0:13:52.076 --> 0:13:54.396 know how to name. I don't know how to diagnose. 0:13:54.516 --> 0:13:58.636 All I know is that I am deeply, deeply unhappy 0:13:58.916 --> 0:14:02.516 and feel very alone and very sad. And so it 0:14:02.596 --> 0:14:07.516 wasn't until I think around March or April of twenty sixteen, 0:14:07.716 --> 0:14:12.876 so that is, I mean months before, months before Olympic trials, 0:14:12.916 --> 0:14:16.596 where I finally called a meeting with my swim coach 0:14:16.636 --> 0:14:19.156 and my strength and conditioning coach and I just looked 0:14:19.156 --> 0:14:22.116 at them and I said, something is wrong, like something 0:14:22.196 --> 0:14:25.556 is very wrong. And I had been trying to push 0:14:25.636 --> 0:14:28.116 through it. I had been trying to pretend that it 0:14:28.156 --> 0:14:31.276 wasn't there. And that's why I'm not a fan of 0:14:31.316 --> 0:14:33.836 the phrase fake it till you make it, because I 0:14:33.876 --> 0:14:36.716 think that can lead to tendencies of repressing things as 0:14:36.716 --> 0:14:40.116 opposed to truly addressing them. And I was trying to 0:14:40.116 --> 0:14:42.076 fake it at practice. I was trying to fake it 0:14:42.076 --> 0:14:44.596 at competitions that I was confident, that I was calm, 0:14:44.676 --> 0:14:48.676 that everything was going to be okay, but my mind knew, 0:14:49.076 --> 0:14:50.996 and if your mind knows, your body knows. 0:14:51.876 --> 0:14:52.676 And I was just. 0:14:52.596 --> 0:14:56.916 Fighting it constantly, and the exhaustion was unlike anything I 0:14:56.956 --> 0:14:59.236 had ever felt before in my life, and of course 0:14:59.276 --> 0:15:02.436 that was inhibiting my performance, and so I sat down 0:15:02.476 --> 0:15:05.276 with them, and they immediately got me into a primary 0:15:05.276 --> 0:15:09.276 care doctor to a sports psychologist, and I got immediate 0:15:09.436 --> 0:15:15.236 diagnosed with depression, insomnia, anxiety, and an eating disorder as well, 0:15:15.356 --> 0:15:18.236 which was something that I knew I had been battling 0:15:18.276 --> 0:15:21.876 for several months, but to actually put a name to it, 0:15:21.956 --> 0:15:28.316 I think was really really tough, and it was so overwhelming, Maya, 0:15:28.436 --> 0:15:30.996 to get all of that at one time, and to 0:15:31.156 --> 0:15:35.636 think that I literally had months when people were expecting 0:15:35.676 --> 0:15:38.756 me to be the best I had ever been, and 0:15:38.796 --> 0:15:41.516 I had never felt further from that. 0:15:42.796 --> 0:15:45.636 I wonder, was there ever a script that was playing 0:15:45.716 --> 0:15:49.756 in your mind or a certain kind of rumination pattern 0:15:49.796 --> 0:15:51.316 that you felt yourself falling into. 0:15:52.236 --> 0:15:54.916 Yeah, I mean I think that rumination and that pattern 0:15:55.196 --> 0:15:58.516 was just negative self talk. It kind of dawned on 0:15:58.636 --> 0:16:04.956 me that I hadn't said something kind to myself in months, 0:16:05.276 --> 0:16:09.516 that I hadn't said something encouraging to myself and those 0:16:09.556 --> 0:16:13.636 that know me. I am the most positive, optimistic person 0:16:14.036 --> 0:16:18.196 that you will ever meet, and that person was gone. 0:16:18.556 --> 0:16:23.596 And it's so crazy to think that she fully disappeared 0:16:23.796 --> 0:16:26.516 before I even realized she was fading. 0:16:26.796 --> 0:16:26.996 You know. 0:16:27.036 --> 0:16:29.596 It was just such a stark contrast, and I think 0:16:29.716 --> 0:16:33.476 it's that double edged sword of the elite athlete mentality 0:16:34.036 --> 0:16:37.156 of you just keep going and you just figure it out, 0:16:37.356 --> 0:16:40.316 like we're just we have that mindset to keep pushing 0:16:40.356 --> 0:16:43.396 and to keep moving forward. But when that comes to 0:16:43.476 --> 0:16:46.796 mental health, I think that that can be so damaging 0:16:47.396 --> 0:16:50.956 because if you're pushing through that and not addressing it, 0:16:50.956 --> 0:16:53.796 it's only going to get harder to deal with as 0:16:53.836 --> 0:16:56.876 time goes on, because in my case, the problems were 0:16:56.916 --> 0:16:58.036 just getting more severe. 0:16:58.596 --> 0:17:00.676 And what kinds of things would you say to yourself? 0:17:01.076 --> 0:17:04.316 I think my berating of myself really came down to 0:17:04.996 --> 0:17:08.356 not believing I had any worth outside of what I 0:17:08.356 --> 0:17:11.836 could do in a pool. So if I wasn't capable 0:17:12.076 --> 0:17:16.436 of breaking world records and winning gold medals, why was 0:17:16.476 --> 0:17:19.596 I here? You know, what other purpose did I serve 0:17:19.996 --> 0:17:22.596 other than to do what I was put on this 0:17:22.676 --> 0:17:25.436 earth to do, which in my mind was to swim, 0:17:25.476 --> 0:17:27.436 Like that was it. That's all I had ever known 0:17:27.516 --> 0:17:29.836 since I was so young, and all I had ever 0:17:29.916 --> 0:17:32.236 known was that success. So I think it really just 0:17:32.316 --> 0:17:36.396 came down to not understanding or not knowing what my 0:17:36.516 --> 0:17:39.716 worth was if it wasn't in the pool. 0:17:40.836 --> 0:17:44.236 What do you think gave rise to the eating disorder 0:17:44.356 --> 0:17:46.276 in particular? Tell me a bit more about that. 0:17:47.116 --> 0:17:50.796 So I think, with my self worth being the lowest 0:17:50.796 --> 0:17:54.516 it had ever been, and again, feeling so out of control, 0:17:54.836 --> 0:17:57.196 I turned to the one thing I felt like I 0:17:57.276 --> 0:18:01.756 could control, which was my nutrition and my body. And so, 0:18:01.876 --> 0:18:04.996 of course it's a tough scenario as an adolescent female 0:18:05.076 --> 0:18:08.236 to be in anyway, right, being in a swimsuit in 0:18:08.276 --> 0:18:12.156 front of so many people and trying to deal with that. 0:18:12.316 --> 0:18:14.676 And I think when I was younger and growing up, 0:18:14.796 --> 0:18:18.396 I really had this respect for my body that I 0:18:18.516 --> 0:18:22.436 couldn't do what I did in the water without my body, 0:18:22.476 --> 0:18:25.836 without my broad shoulders, without being six' to, two without 0:18:25.876 --> 0:18:29.916 having size twelve. Feet it allowed me to accomplish the 0:18:29.916 --> 0:18:33.316 things THAT i. Accomplished but then WHEN i stopped accomplishing, 0:18:33.356 --> 0:18:36.556 those it was, like, well then what is this body. 0:18:36.596 --> 0:18:39.596 Worth it's not helping, me it's not aiding, Me so 0:18:39.836 --> 0:18:42.756 it doesn't have to be like. This SO i got 0:18:42.916 --> 0:18:46.836 so restrictive in my intake, calorically AND i think it 0:18:46.876 --> 0:18:49.996 had a huge impact on my. Performance and HERE i 0:18:50.036 --> 0:18:55.196 am training two to four hours a, day eating barely enough. 0:18:55.236 --> 0:18:58.396 CALORIES i, MEAN i don't know HOW i was doing, 0:18:58.436 --> 0:19:01.916 it and so all those diagnoses were just so hard 0:19:01.996 --> 0:19:06.716 because we didn't have time to go to the foundation 0:19:06.876 --> 0:19:10.956 and systemically fix the. Problem we were trying to put 0:19:10.996 --> 0:19:14.316 a band aid over a gaping wound that needed. 0:19:14.676 --> 0:19:20.996 Staples you're a few months away from needing to compete In, 0:19:21.116 --> 0:19:25.036 rio and not just, compete defend your, titles defend your, 0:19:25.796 --> 0:19:29.236 ranking your reputation in the world of. Swimming what did 0:19:29.276 --> 0:19:30.756 that version of band aiding look? 0:19:30.916 --> 0:19:33.636 Like? Yeah so, well the other piece of all of 0:19:33.636 --> 0:19:37.716 this is THAT i actually did sustain a physical injury In. 0:19:37.796 --> 0:19:42.956 April SO i injured my shoulder In, april and again 0:19:43.156 --> 0:19:45.236 that was something that we didn't have time to. 0:19:45.316 --> 0:19:46.276 Fix and so. 0:19:46.356 --> 0:19:50.396 At that, Point i'm just, distraught Like i'm now emotionally 0:19:50.636 --> 0:19:53.596 and physically so far away from WHERE i need to. 0:19:53.596 --> 0:19:59.116 Be so my band aid solution was immediately getting in 0:19:59.156 --> 0:20:03.356 with a sports, psychologist a, nutritionist and a physical, therapist 0:20:03.756 --> 0:20:07.276 and those three were there to just do what they. 0:20:07.396 --> 0:20:10.876 Could Before olympic, trials we, had you, know eight to 0:20:10.916 --> 0:20:13.156 twelve weeks of time to work with to try and 0:20:13.156 --> 0:20:15.996 get me in the best position. Possible AND i think 0:20:16.036 --> 0:20:18.796 we all knew going into it THAT i was nowhere 0:20:18.836 --> 0:20:21.716 near one hundred, percent BUT i was at the PERCENTAGE 0:20:21.716 --> 0:20:23.756 i was, at and that was all THAT i was 0:20:23.796 --> 0:20:26.516 going to have to. Give AND i remember going Into 0:20:26.636 --> 0:20:29.676 olympic trials just being absolutely. 0:20:29.756 --> 0:20:33.836 Terrified did you find yourself having to do some of 0:20:33.836 --> 0:20:36.956 these hacky fake it till you make it type strategies 0:20:37.196 --> 0:20:39.356 have to get by during that? Time? Yes and what 0:20:39.396 --> 0:20:39.956 did that look? 0:20:40.036 --> 0:20:43.316 Like it was just the big old miss you, smile 0:20:43.916 --> 0:20:45.796 and it was the first time in my life that 0:20:45.836 --> 0:20:48.636 it wasn't. Genuine BUT i was trying to put that 0:20:48.716 --> 0:20:51.556 smile on for everyone. ELSE i was trying to be that, 0:20:51.676 --> 0:20:54.956 happy bubbly seventeen year old that they all remembered and 0:20:54.996 --> 0:20:58.516 were expecting me to, be even THOUGH i had probably 0:20:58.556 --> 0:21:02.756 never felt further from her in my. Life AND i 0:21:02.876 --> 0:21:07.236 just didn't want to let people. Down and SO i 0:21:07.276 --> 0:21:11.956 remember going into trials out of joy or excitement and 0:21:12.036 --> 0:21:15.076 love for the, sport but just being absolutely terrified THAT 0:21:15.316 --> 0:21:17.596 i wasn't going to do what was expected of. 0:21:17.636 --> 0:21:19.996 Me and how did the trials? 0:21:20.036 --> 0:21:24.316 Go, yeah so definitely off to a rocky start for 0:21:24.436 --> 0:21:27.436 trials For. RIO i failed to make the team in 0:21:27.476 --> 0:21:29.876 the event THAT i was the Reigning olympic champion in 0:21:30.076 --> 0:21:34.356 from twenty, twelve and not even. THAT i MEAN i got, 0:21:34.356 --> 0:21:36.796 seventh so there's only eight people in a, heat SO 0:21:36.836 --> 0:21:37.876 i almost got dead. 0:21:37.756 --> 0:21:38.276 Last in my. 0:21:38.356 --> 0:21:41.076 Heat AND i remember going back to my hotel room 0:21:41.116 --> 0:21:45.876 that night and, sobbing like just ABSOLUTELY i felt, embarrassed 0:21:45.996 --> 0:21:48.956 LIKE i felt. ASHAMED i was just holding so, much 0:21:49.716 --> 0:21:51.796 AND i kind of just gave myself this talk in 0:21:51.836 --> 0:21:55.116 the hotel room of you, know you can pack up 0:21:55.156 --> 0:21:57.316 and leave right, now like you can get on a 0:21:57.356 --> 0:22:00.956 flight and you can go, home but you will never forgive, 0:22:00.996 --> 0:22:04.196 yourself like you can do, that or you can go 0:22:04.276 --> 0:22:06.596 out and you can finish this swim meet and it 0:22:06.676 --> 0:22:10.236 may continue to be. Embarrassing you may not make This olympic. 0:22:10.276 --> 0:22:13.636 Team you may be more heartbroken and disappointed than you've ever, 0:22:13.716 --> 0:22:16.796 been but it would be nothing compared to if you didn't. 0:22:16.836 --> 0:22:22.396 Try we'll be back in a moment with a slight 0:22:22.476 --> 0:22:38.796 change of. Plans despite a disappointing performance at the twenty 0:22:38.836 --> 0:22:43.076 Sixteen Olympic, Trials missy still qualified to compete for THE. 0:22:43.236 --> 0:22:47.436 Us she would swim in three events In. Rio the 0:22:47.516 --> 0:22:50.956 night before her first, Event missy and her teammates celebrated 0:22:50.996 --> 0:22:54.316 at the opening, ceremony but when she returned back to 0:22:54.356 --> 0:22:57.036 her room in The olympic, village she was hit with 0:22:57.076 --> 0:22:58.476 an overwhelming sense of. 0:22:58.556 --> 0:23:03.196 DREAD i remember calling my parents the night before the meat, 0:23:03.316 --> 0:23:06.476