Speaker 1: Pushkin hay Slight Changers. So I love the Olympics. Every
Speaker 1: two years, I get totally obsessed, and then I experience
Speaker 1: at least a month of withdrawal when the games are over.
Speaker 1: As a cognitive scientist, I'm particularly fascinated by the mindset
Speaker 1: of Olympians. I'm curious about their psychological journeys, from the
Speaker 1: moment they pick up the sport to the final push
Speaker 1: out of the race gate, to the aftermath of their
Speaker 1: careers when they can no longer compete at the highest levels.
Speaker 1: Not long ago, I had the honor of speaking with
Speaker 1: five time Olympic gold medalist swimmer Missy Franklin, who competed
Speaker 1: in both the twenty twelve and twenty sixteen Summer Olympics.
Speaker 1: When Missy returns for her second Olympics, things felt markedly different.
Speaker 1: Rather than having nothing to prove, she now had everything
Speaker 1: to prove and the pool felt like a pressure cooker.
Speaker 1: In our conversation, Missy spoke bravely about how her mental
Speaker 1: health suffered behind the scenes and how she began to heal.
Speaker 1: With the Olympics in full swing right now, it felt
Speaker 1: like the perfect time to share this episode with you.
Speaker 1: I hope you enjoy it.
Speaker 2: I remember sitting behind the wheel just crying the entire
Speaker 2: way to practice and just knowing that I was gonna go,
Speaker 2: and that I was about to jump into a freezing
Speaker 2: cold pool and swim for two hours and be disappointed
Speaker 2: with how I did.
Speaker 1: Swimmer Missy Franklin won four Olympic gold medals as a teenager,
Speaker 1: but as she trained for her second Olympics, she found
Speaker 1: her self unexpectedly struggling with so much to defend. The
Speaker 1: pool suddenly felt like a pressure cooker.
Speaker 2: This is not just a swim mate, this is who
Speaker 2: I am. And if I don't do this, why am
Speaker 2: I here? What is my worth? I have none? If
Speaker 2: I can't do this and do it well.
Speaker 1: On today's episode, when the loss of an identity threatens
Speaker 1: your self worth, I'm maya Shunker and this is a
Speaker 1: slight change of plans, a show about who we are
Speaker 1: and who we become in the face of a big change.
Speaker 1: At just seventeen years old, Missy Franklin was laser focused
Speaker 1: on qualifying for the twenty twelve Olympics in London. This
Speaker 1: dream was years in the making. From the time Missy
Speaker 1: was a little kid, swimming had been at the center
Speaker 1: of her life.
Speaker 2: I got into the water because my mom never learned
Speaker 2: how to swim, and she didn't want to pass that
Speaker 2: fear down onto me, and she signed us up for
Speaker 2: a mommy and me class at our local YMCA when
Speaker 2: I was six months old, and I was that baby
Speaker 2: that was getting dunked under and coming back up, just
Speaker 2: laughing and loving every second of it. And so even
Speaker 2: though to some it seems crazy to be training for
Speaker 2: an Olympics at seventeen, to me, I was just doing
Speaker 2: what I loved every single day, and there was hard work,
Speaker 2: but I never saw anything I did as sacrifice because
Speaker 2: it was my goal and it was my dream. I
Speaker 2: wasn't concerned about other people's expectations. I wasn't concerned about
Speaker 2: what other people wanted me to achieve. I had my
Speaker 2: own dreams, my own goals, and I was focused on those.
Speaker 2: So in twenty twelve, that's just what I was working
Speaker 2: towards every single day.
Speaker 1: You mentioned that you never thought of your commitment as
Speaker 1: sacrifice because you loved it so much. Share a bit
Speaker 1: more about what that commitment looked like. What was your
Speaker 1: everyday life like in the lead up to twenty twelve?
Speaker 2: We'd practice Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, so that means swimming twice,
Speaker 2: once in the morning, once in the afternoon, each for
Speaker 2: about two hours. And then we'd have single swim sessions
Speaker 2: on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. But I don't think people
Speaker 2: can sometimes totally comprehend the fact that it is a
Speaker 2: twenty four to seven job because everything needs to be
Speaker 2: supported by everything you're doing outside of that space as well.
Speaker 2: So it's your sleep, it's your nutrition, it's your recovery.
Speaker 2: And then also I was seventeen years old, right, so
Speaker 2: I was going to high school.
Speaker 3: I was still in school every.
Speaker 2: Single day, and then traveling and doing different promos for
Speaker 2: the United States Olympic and Paralympic Committee and NBC and
Speaker 2: traveling for different meats preparing leading up to that summer.
Speaker 3: But it sounds like a lot. It was also all
Speaker 3: that I knew, So to me, that was just life.
Speaker 1: Yeah, tell me a bit more about where your head
Speaker 1: was at as you were you were prepping for London,
Speaker 1: and it's wow, like maybe these big dreams of mine
Speaker 1: can actually come true.
Speaker 2: Yeah, So I think heading into London, my goal truly
Speaker 2: was to make the team. Like that was really all
Speaker 2: that I had set on myself. And if you talk
Speaker 2: to any swimmer, they will tell you that Olympic trials
Speaker 2: is infinitely more intense and more pressure filled than the
Speaker 2: actual Olympics themselves, because once you made the team, you
Speaker 2: made it right, You're an Olympian, Like you get to
Speaker 2: be an Olympian for the rest of your life. But
Speaker 2: our races come down to hundreds of a second, and
Speaker 2: so there's no room for mistake, there's no room for air.
Speaker 2: You might get sick, you might get injured, like if
Speaker 2: you have a bad sleep the night before, Like there's
Speaker 2: so many variables that could impact these singular eight days
Speaker 2: that you have to make an Olympic team.
Speaker 1: M hm. You had mentioned to me that you you
Speaker 1: didn't feel the pressure, the weight of other people's expectations
Speaker 1: at this stage, and so was that partly why you
Speaker 1: were able to be cool and collected during those trials.
Speaker 3: I think a lot of it was just the.
Speaker 2: Fact that I was seventeen and I was naive, and
Speaker 2: that just absolutely played to my advantage of again, I
Speaker 2: was just out there doing what I loved.
Speaker 1: So, I mean, Missy, your performance in those games was
Speaker 1: just absolutely unreal. Do you mind sharing your accomplishments.
Speaker 2: So after Olympic Trials, I had qualified for my first
Speaker 2: Olympic Games and seven events, and then actually arriving in London,
Speaker 2: being in the village and getting to walk onto the
Speaker 2: Olympic pool deck for the first time, all of it
Speaker 2: was just so surreal. I ended up walking away from
Speaker 2: those games with four gold medals, one bronze, and two
Speaker 2: world records.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, sorry, so astonishing to hear those words,
Speaker 1: like I know that, I know that, but just to
Speaker 1: like hear that is insane. It's like, oh, yeah, I
Speaker 1: forgot about the bronze ones as well, and like the
Speaker 1: world records, And is there any specific memory you have
Speaker 1: from those games and your celebrations.
Speaker 2: Yeah, oh my gosh, And it has nothing to do
Speaker 2: with a single one of those medals. The night that
Speaker 2: I had won my first gold medal, I was still
Speaker 2: writing such a high from that whole evening and just
Speaker 2: everything that came with it. And we were at the
Speaker 2: warm up pool in the village and I checked my
Speaker 2: phone and I had a tweet from Justin Bieber and I.
Speaker 3: Lost my mind.
Speaker 2: Like if you can just imagine like seventeen year old
Speaker 2: Missy like running circles around the pool in the middle
Speaker 2: of the Olympic village, just like screaming like a little
Speaker 2: girl that she'd gotten a tweet from Justin Bieber. Like
Speaker 2: it just was like the perfect example of again. Yes,
Speaker 2: I was so happy to be there. I couldn't believe
Speaker 2: I was accomplishing those things. But I was also just
Speaker 2: a seventeen year old girl.
Speaker 1: Wow. So I want to talk about the aftermath of
Speaker 1: your success, because sometimes we don't pay enough attention to
Speaker 1: what follows these massive, epic, life changing wins. You know,
Speaker 1: you come back to the US and your four time
Speaker 1: gold medalist, Missy Franklin, you immediately go back to training
Speaker 1: and preparing for now the twenty sixteen Olympic Games. And
Speaker 1: as you started to train for those, you began to
Speaker 1: face some new challenges. Do you mind telling me a
Speaker 1: bit about those?
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's funnily enough.
Speaker 2: What a lot of people don't understand is that as
Speaker 2: soon as an Olympic Games is over, we might take
Speaker 2: a couple of weeks off, but the next summer for
Speaker 2: US as World Championships, and so we get right back
Speaker 2: into training because we have a really serious meet again
Speaker 2: next summer. And so I remember particularly coming back from
Speaker 2: London and thinking that I wanted to prove that I
Speaker 2: wasn't just a one hit wonder, that I wanted to
Speaker 2: go to Worlds in twenty thirteen and have an unbelievable
Speaker 2: performance almost to back London up in a way, to
Speaker 2: kind of prove that I can do this again. And
Speaker 2: so I worked so hard that year, which was my
Speaker 2: senior year of high school, ended up going to Worlds.
Speaker 2: I won six gold medals at World Championships and it
Speaker 2: was just like again a dream experience.
Speaker 3: And then I went to college.
Speaker 2: So I swam for two years at the University of California, Berkeley,
Speaker 2: and then I turned professional in twenty fifteen, leading up
Speaker 2: to the twenty sixteen Olympic Games in Rio, and I
Speaker 2: would say that that was when things really changed for me.
Speaker 2: I was at that point twenty years old, so I
Speaker 2: was still very young, but I was no longer naive.
Speaker 2: I was no longer a rookie. It's so hard getting
Speaker 2: to the top, but it's even harder staying there. And
Speaker 2: now I did have those expectations and that pressure, and
Speaker 2: then you add new sponsors on top of that, and
Speaker 2: swimming now becoming my job as opposed to just something
Speaker 2: that I love and enjoy, and I think that for
Speaker 2: me is what completely changed my mindset and I lost
Speaker 2: all sense of balance during that time. I think I
Speaker 2: got in the mindset for Rio that in order for
Speaker 2: me to be the best I'd ever been, I needed
Speaker 2: to just commit and devote myself fully to my sport.
Speaker 3: I think for some athletes.
Speaker 2: It works to completely devote themselves to their sport and
Speaker 2: to not have balance in their life just to be
Speaker 2: They live and they breathe their sport, and that is
Speaker 2: what works for them. I learned in that period that
Speaker 2: that is not something that worked for me. When swimming
Speaker 2: became my whole world, it also became my whole identity,
Speaker 2: and so bad practices, bad races, I began equation with
Speaker 2: bad sense of self and self worth and self esteem,
Speaker 2: and so it was such a hard time for me.
Speaker 3: I was very, very lonely, and.
Speaker 2: I started to feel the world's pressure on me as well,
Speaker 2: that not only was I expected to make the team,
Speaker 2: but I was expected to go back to Rio and
Speaker 2: have an even better performance there than I did in London.
Speaker 1: What was it now like day to day as your training?
Speaker 2: It was so hard for me Maya because there were
Speaker 2: days that I was so confused because I had never
Speaker 2: felt like this before.
Speaker 3: So there were.
Speaker 2: Mornings where my alarm would go off at four forty five.
Speaker 2: I'd be getting up on my way to practice, but
Speaker 2: I remember sitting behind the wheel just crying the entire
Speaker 2: way to practice and just knowing that I was going
Speaker 2: to go, and that I was about to jump into
Speaker 2: a freezing cold pool and swim for two hours and
Speaker 2: be disappointed with how I did, but I was going
Speaker 2: to do it anyway because I felt like I had
Speaker 2: no choice.
Speaker 1: I've read that when people had asked young this, like
Speaker 1: seventeen year old missy, what advice do you have for
Speaker 1: people who don't want to go to practice or a
Speaker 1: struggling with their motivation, you would cheepishly feel like, I've
Speaker 1: never really had that problem. Yeah, but I just love
Speaker 1: going to the pool, and I actually don't face those
Speaker 1: motivational challenges because this is the thing that I'm so
Speaker 1: passionate about.
Speaker 2: It was so funny to me that I was put
Speaker 2: in those situations, and I would always feel so horrible
Speaker 2: when I would have young athletes come up and ask
Speaker 2: what to do in periods of plateau or when they
Speaker 2: weren't feeling motivated, and I would have nothing to say.
Speaker 2: I had truly just always been so happy and enjoyed
Speaker 2: the sports so much, And the amount of other swimmers
Speaker 2: that would come up to me after they had gotten
Speaker 2: to know me that told me we thought it was
Speaker 2: an act, like we thought that it was all for
Speaker 2: the media, that it was all like that you just
Speaker 2: love like we didn't believe that someone could actually love
Speaker 2: this sport that much. And now that we know you,
Speaker 2: we see that it's real and authentic and you actually
Speaker 2: love swimming as much as you say you do about that,
Speaker 2: and that completely disappeared. Leading up to Rio, I think
Speaker 2: I became so focused on the expectation and I put
Speaker 2: so much pressure on myself that swimming very very quickly
Speaker 2: became not fun for me.
Speaker 1: What was what was happening to your mental health around
Speaker 1: this time?
Speaker 2: So I don't think I really realized what was happening
Speaker 2: because I had never experienced anything like this, and so
Speaker 2: it was months and months and months before I think
Speaker 2: it finally hit me that this is something bigger, like
Speaker 2: something much deeper is going on here that I don't
Speaker 2: know how to name. I don't know how to diagnose.
Speaker 2: All I know is that I am deeply, deeply unhappy
Speaker 2: and feel very alone and very sad. And so it
Speaker 2: wasn't until I think around March or April of twenty sixteen,
Speaker 2: so that is, I mean months before, months before Olympic trials,
Speaker 2: where I finally called a meeting with my swim coach
Speaker 2: and my strength and conditioning coach and I just looked
Speaker 2: at them and I said, something is wrong, like something
Speaker 2: is very wrong. And I had been trying to push
Speaker 2: through it. I had been trying to pretend that it
Speaker 2: wasn't there. And that's why I'm not a fan of
Speaker 2: the phrase fake it till you make it, because I
Speaker 2: think that can lead to tendencies of repressing things as
Speaker 2: opposed to truly addressing them. And I was trying to
Speaker 2: fake it at practice. I was trying to fake it
Speaker 2: at competitions that I was confident, that I was calm,
Speaker 2: that everything was going to be okay, but my mind knew,
Speaker 2: and if your mind knows, your body knows.
Speaker 3: And I was just.
Speaker 2: Fighting it constantly, and the exhaustion was unlike anything I
Speaker 2: had ever felt before in my life, and of course
Speaker 2: that was inhibiting my performance, and so I sat down
Speaker 2: with them, and they immediately got me into a primary
Speaker 2: care doctor to a sports psychologist, and I got immediate
Speaker 2: diagnosed with depression, insomnia, anxiety, and an eating disorder as well,
Speaker 2: which was something that I knew I had been battling
Speaker 2: for several months, but to actually put a name to it,
Speaker 2: I think was really really tough, and it was so overwhelming, Maya,
Speaker 2: to get all of that at one time, and to
Speaker 2: think that I literally had months when people were expecting
Speaker 2: me to be the best I had ever been, and
Speaker 2: I had never felt further from that.
Speaker 1: I wonder, was there ever a script that was playing
Speaker 1: in your mind or a certain kind of rumination pattern
Speaker 1: that you felt yourself falling into.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I think that rumination and that pattern
Speaker 2: was just negative self talk. It kind of dawned on
Speaker 2: me that I hadn't said something kind to myself in months,
Speaker 2: that I hadn't said something encouraging to myself and those
Speaker 2: that know me. I am the most positive, optimistic person
Speaker 2: that you will ever meet, and that person was gone.
Speaker 2: And it's so crazy to think that she fully disappeared
Speaker 2: before I even realized she was fading.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: It was just such a stark contrast, and I think
Speaker 2: it's that double edged sword of the elite athlete mentality
Speaker 2: of you just keep going and you just figure it out,
Speaker 2: like we're just we have that mindset to keep pushing
Speaker 2: and to keep moving forward. But when that comes to
Speaker 2: mental health, I think that that can be so damaging
Speaker 2: because if you're pushing through that and not addressing it,
Speaker 2: it's only going to get harder to deal with as
Speaker 2: time goes on, because in my case, the problems were
Speaker 2: just getting more severe.
Speaker 1: And what kinds of things would you say to yourself?
Speaker 2: I think my berating of myself really came down to
Speaker 2: not believing I had any worth outside of what I
Speaker 2: could do in a pool. So if I wasn't capable
Speaker 2: of breaking world records and winning gold medals, why was
Speaker 2: I here? You know, what other purpose did I serve
Speaker 2: other than to do what I was put on this
Speaker 2: earth to do, which in my mind was to swim,
Speaker 2: Like that was it. That's all I had ever known
Speaker 2: since I was so young, and all I had ever
Speaker 2: known was that success. So I think it really just
Speaker 2: came down to not understanding or not knowing what my
Speaker 2: worth was if it wasn't in the pool.
Speaker 1: What do you think gave rise to the eating disorder
Speaker 1: in particular? Tell me a bit more about that.
Speaker 2: So I think, with my self worth being the lowest
Speaker 2: it had ever been, and again, feeling so out of control,
Speaker 2: I turned to the one thing I felt like I
Speaker 2: could control, which was my nutrition and my body. And so,
Speaker 2: of course it's a tough scenario as an adolescent female
Speaker 2: to be in anyway, right, being in a swimsuit in
Speaker 2: front of so many people and trying to deal with that.
Speaker 2: And I think when I was younger and growing up,
Speaker 2: I really had this respect for my body that I
Speaker 2: couldn't do what I did in the water without my body,
Speaker 2: without my broad shoulders, without being six' to, two without
Speaker 2: having size twelve. Feet it allowed me to accomplish the
Speaker 2: things THAT i. Accomplished but then WHEN i stopped accomplishing,
Speaker 2: those it was, like, well then what is this body.
Speaker 2: Worth it's not helping, me it's not aiding, Me so
Speaker 2: it doesn't have to be like. This SO i got
Speaker 2: so restrictive in my intake, calorically AND i think it
Speaker 2: had a huge impact on my. Performance and HERE i
Speaker 2: am training two to four hours a, day eating barely enough.
Speaker 2: CALORIES i, MEAN i don't know HOW i was doing,
Speaker 2: it and so all those diagnoses were just so hard
Speaker 2: because we didn't have time to go to the foundation
Speaker 2: and systemically fix the. Problem we were trying to put
Speaker 2: a band aid over a gaping wound that needed.
Speaker 1: Staples you're a few months away from needing to compete In,
Speaker 1: rio and not just, compete defend your, titles defend your,
Speaker 1: ranking your reputation in the world of. Swimming what did
Speaker 1: that version of band aiding look?
Speaker 2: Like? Yeah so, well the other piece of all of
Speaker 2: this is THAT i actually did sustain a physical injury In.
Speaker 2: April SO i injured my shoulder In, april and again
Speaker 2: that was something that we didn't have time to.
Speaker 3: Fix and so.
Speaker 2: At that, Point i'm just, distraught Like i'm now emotionally
Speaker 2: and physically so far away from WHERE i need to.
Speaker 2: Be so my band aid solution was immediately getting in
Speaker 2: with a sports, psychologist a, nutritionist and a physical, therapist
Speaker 2: and those three were there to just do what they.
Speaker 2: Could Before olympic, trials we, had you, know eight to
Speaker 2: twelve weeks of time to work with to try and
Speaker 2: get me in the best position. Possible AND i think
Speaker 2: we all knew going into it THAT i was nowhere
Speaker 2: near one hundred, percent BUT i was at the PERCENTAGE
Speaker 2: i was, at and that was all THAT i was
Speaker 2: going to have to. Give AND i remember going Into
Speaker 2: olympic trials just being absolutely.
Speaker 1: Terrified did you find yourself having to do some of
Speaker 1: these hacky fake it till you make it type strategies
Speaker 1: have to get by during that? Time? Yes and what
Speaker 1: did that look?
Speaker 2: Like it was just the big old miss you, smile
Speaker 2: and it was the first time in my life that
Speaker 2: it wasn't. Genuine BUT i was trying to put that
Speaker 2: smile on for everyone. ELSE i was trying to be that,
Speaker 2: happy bubbly seventeen year old that they all remembered and
Speaker 2: were expecting me to, be even THOUGH i had probably
Speaker 2: never felt further from her in my. Life AND i
Speaker 2: just didn't want to let people. Down and SO i
Speaker 2: remember going into trials out of joy or excitement and
Speaker 2: love for the, sport but just being absolutely terrified THAT
Speaker 2: i wasn't going to do what was expected of.
Speaker 1: Me and how did the trials?
Speaker 2: Go, yeah so definitely off to a rocky start for
Speaker 2: trials For. RIO i failed to make the team in
Speaker 2: the event THAT i was the Reigning olympic champion in
Speaker 2: from twenty, twelve and not even. THAT i MEAN i got,
Speaker 2: seventh so there's only eight people in a, heat SO
Speaker 2: i almost got dead.
Speaker 3: Last in my.
Speaker 2: Heat AND i remember going back to my hotel room
Speaker 2: that night and, sobbing like just ABSOLUTELY i felt, embarrassed
Speaker 2: LIKE i felt. ASHAMED i was just holding so, much
Speaker 2: AND i kind of just gave myself this talk in
Speaker 2: the hotel room of you, know you can pack up
Speaker 2: and leave right, now like you can get on a
Speaker 2: flight and you can go, home but you will never forgive,
Speaker 2: yourself like you can do, that or you can go
Speaker 2: out and you can finish this swim meet and it
Speaker 2: may continue to be. Embarrassing you may not make This olympic.
Speaker 2: Team you may be more heartbroken and disappointed than you've ever,
Speaker 2: been but it would be nothing compared to if you didn't.
Speaker 1: Try we'll be back in a moment with a slight
Speaker 1: change of. Plans despite a disappointing performance at the twenty
Speaker 1: Sixteen Olympic, Trials missy still qualified to compete for THE.
Speaker 1: Us she would swim in three events In. Rio the
Speaker 1: night before her first, Event missy and her teammates celebrated
Speaker 1: at the opening, ceremony but when she returned back to
Speaker 1: her room in The olympic, village she was hit with
Speaker 1: an overwhelming sense of.
Speaker 2: DREAD i remember calling my parents the night before the meat,
Speaker 2: started AND i was crying so HARD i could barely.
Speaker 2: BREATHE i remember my, dad in, particular are just repeating
Speaker 2: over and over. Again he was, like, honey it is
Speaker 2: just a swim. Meet it is just a swim Meat AND, i,
Speaker 2: LIKE i just couldn't like comprehend what he was. Saying
Speaker 2: AND i knew what he was trying to, do but
Speaker 2: in my, mind like it was so much more than.
Speaker 1: That What i'm hearing from you is that your dad's telling, You,
Speaker 1: missy this is just a swim, meet and you're, thinking,
Speaker 1: no this is my opportunity to defend my existence on
Speaker 1: the Planet. Earth.
Speaker 2: Exactly, Yes i'm, like this is not just a swim.
Speaker 2: Meet this is WHO i. Am and IF i don't do,
Speaker 2: this why AM i?
Speaker 3: Here what is my?
Speaker 2: WORTH i have none IF i can't do this and
Speaker 2: do it. Well and so the next eight days were so.
Speaker 2: TOUGH i didn't make the top eight in any of
Speaker 2: my individual. EVENTS i swam on the morning prelim's relay
Speaker 2: of the eight hundred freestyle, relay and my time was
Speaker 2: not fast enough to put me on the finals. Relay
Speaker 2: but that swimming works is if you are a prelim
Speaker 2: swimmer on a, relay even if you aren't in the
Speaker 2: group of four that wins the medal in, finals you
Speaker 2: still get that. Medal SO i still won a gold
Speaker 2: medal because my amazing teammates were able to bring home
Speaker 2: the golds in the eight hundred freestyle relay In. RIO
Speaker 2: i watched them do it in a beam bag chair
Speaker 2: ON tv from the, village and that was HOW i
Speaker 2: won my fifth gold.
Speaker 3: Medal that whole competition for, me truly was just.
Speaker 1: Survival i've looked back at footage And i've read interviews
Speaker 1: from that, time And, MISSIE i feel like you could
Speaker 1: hold a masterclass in the art of graciousness and evasive
Speaker 1: defeat and failure and. Lost it was so inspiring for
Speaker 1: me to see how you engaged with your, teammates with the,
Speaker 1: press with everyone that. WEEK i, mean like we all
Speaker 1: aspires human beings to act like that when we.
Speaker 2: Lose that means so much to, me, truly that is
Speaker 2: the highest COMPLIMENT i CAN i could ever ask to,
Speaker 2: receive and that was WHAT i decided to. Do there
Speaker 2: IS i realized very quickly THAT i was not going
Speaker 2: to be an inspiration LIKE i was In london by
Speaker 2: winning gold medals and breaking world. RECORDS i had always
Speaker 2: talked about the kind of PERSON i wanted to be in,
Speaker 2: defeat and now was my chance to prove it and
Speaker 2: to actually be that. Person and if there was ANYTHING
Speaker 2: i could walk away being proud of from those eight,
Speaker 2: DAYS i wanted it to be HOW i handled myself
Speaker 2: outside of the.
Speaker 1: Pool so you wrap up a very challenging week In
Speaker 1: rio and you fly. Home what were the days and
Speaker 1: weeks like?
Speaker 3: AFTER i, mean it's hard to put into.
Speaker 2: WORDS i was feeling so many different emotions and just
Speaker 2: ultimately just sadness and. Disappointment we got home and we
Speaker 2: landed back in THE us and back In, colorado and
Speaker 2: we were driving home and as we pulled into my
Speaker 2: neighborhood and pulled up to my, house all the kids
Speaker 2: of the neighborhood were standing there with signs and they
Speaker 2: had made cut out hearts and they had all written
Speaker 2: ways THAT i had inspired them In, rio and they
Speaker 2: had put them all over my.
Speaker 3: Yard AND i remember.
Speaker 2: Just like completely breaking down in that moment and realizing
Speaker 2: who you are and what you do outside of the
Speaker 2: competition space can actually have a significantly bigger impact than
Speaker 2: what you do inside of. It AND i think that
Speaker 2: was step one of the healing, process BECAUSE i don't
Speaker 2: THINK i believed that at the time of, myself but
Speaker 2: just to know that other people did and to be
Speaker 2: surrounded by that much love and grace and compassion was just,
Speaker 2: like it was so beautiful and So moving back to,
Speaker 2: COLLEGE i immediately got bilateral shoulder surgery and then started
Speaker 2: working with a, therapist immediately started meeting once a, week
Speaker 2: super regular in. PERSON i wanted it to be true
Speaker 2: therapy and not just sports psychology BECAUSE i knew that
Speaker 2: my issues kind of stemmed deeper than just sports and
Speaker 2: how it had rooted into every aspect of my.
Speaker 1: Life and by the, way what an important realization.
Speaker 3: Today thank you you.
Speaker 1: Know, YEAH i think that reflects something like even, symbolically
Speaker 1: which is so, important which is given again that your
Speaker 1: identity had been so tether to being a. Swimmer what
Speaker 1: that tells me is that you are interested in treating
Speaker 1: not Just missy the athlete for the sake of improved,
Speaker 1: performance But missy the.
Speaker 3: Person that's a beautiful way of putting.
Speaker 2: IT i don't Think i've ever looked at it that,
Speaker 2: way BUT i did understand that it Was missy the
Speaker 2: person that was the most. Broken and so it was a,
Speaker 2: long long. PROCESS i emotion and, mentally over, time was
Speaker 2: able to heal and learn and grow and get into
Speaker 2: a place, where maybe for the first time in my,
Speaker 2: LIFE i understood that WHAT i could do in a
Speaker 2: pool has nothing to do with WHO i am as
Speaker 2: a person and my self worth and my value and
Speaker 2: WHAT i have to. Offer AND i began to see
Speaker 2: myself as more than just the swimmer and everything that
Speaker 2: came along with. That and it was so incredibly freeing
Speaker 2: and powerful to experience.
Speaker 3: That and THEN i dreamed.
Speaker 2: Of this, amazing, epic incredible, comeback and unfortunately the physical
Speaker 2: injuries just wouldn't let it it. Happen getting to that
Speaker 2: place from the mental standpoint and then physically not being
Speaker 2: able to continue to compete WHEN i felt LIKE i was,
Speaker 2: ready LIKE i could and LIKE i wanted to was.
Speaker 3: Devastating.
Speaker 1: Yeah, YEAH i can feel the intoxication of an epic,
Speaker 1: comeback and what a satisfying narrative that would, be how
Speaker 1: did you handle the disappointment of because What i'm hearing
Speaker 1: from you is that you put in all the mental
Speaker 1: labor to get yourself back to a healthier, place that
Speaker 1: your body wasn't cooperating, right your shoulder injury was not,
Speaker 1: improving and so how did you handle that frustration.
Speaker 3: As an elite?
Speaker 2: Athlete AND i just think as a, PERSON i, mean
Speaker 2: you don't even have to be an. Athlete when your
Speaker 2: body is inhibiting you from doing. Something you feel, Trapped
Speaker 2: you feel, angry you feel frustrated because in my, mind
Speaker 2: there was nothing from a physical standpoint THAT i couldn't push.
Speaker 2: Through AND i tried so hard AND i did everything.
Speaker 2: Possible and it was a conversation THAT i had with
Speaker 2: my now husband at the, time and he, said, HONEY
Speaker 2: i want you to be able to throw our kids
Speaker 2: up in the air one day without pain Like that's
Speaker 2: what he was thinking, of and he knew those were
Speaker 2: myorities as. WELL i truly just came to that realization
Speaker 2: that even IF i went through everything that my surgeons were,
Speaker 2: SUGGESTING i didn't THINK i was going to be at
Speaker 2: the PLACE i needed to be to compete at my
Speaker 2: best and represent my country in a way THAT i
Speaker 2: was truly proud, of BECAUSE i knew that IF i
Speaker 2: continued to go down this, road which was going to
Speaker 2: be more, surgeries more, recoveries more intensity with An olympics
Speaker 2: right around the, corner THAT i was going to start
Speaker 2: to lose that mental and emotional state THAT i had
Speaker 2: worked so hard to.
Speaker 1: Gain, yeah and catch me up on life. TODAY i,
Speaker 1: mean you have so many identities that you. Carry you're a,
Speaker 1: wife you're a, mother you're a, podcaster you're an. Advocate
Speaker 1: what is your relationship with swimming like?
Speaker 2: Today SO i do have a beautiful relationship with swimming,
Speaker 2: now Which i'm very thankful. FOR i still work heavily
Speaker 2: with THE Usa Swimming, foundation which is the philanthropic side
Speaker 2: OF Usa. Swimming so giving back to the sport is
Speaker 2: incredibly important to me because it gave me so, much
Speaker 2: and so being able to give back working with the
Speaker 2: foundation providing free and low costs from lessons to communities
Speaker 2: that need is just a huge piece of WHAT i
Speaker 2: do to stay involved in the. SPORT i also recently
Speaker 2: started a podcast with My olympic Teammate Katie hoff and
Speaker 2: we are so thankful to be involved in the sport
Speaker 2: in that way and to have these amazing conversations with
Speaker 2: not just swimmers but athletes about the true vulnerable moments
Speaker 2: of what it is that we do and what we've
Speaker 2: learned from, it and how we can share that with
Speaker 2: one another to help each other. Grow so that's been
Speaker 2: a beautiful way to stay. Involved and my coach would
Speaker 2: always say that swimming is the only sport that will
Speaker 2: save your life and that you can do for the
Speaker 2: rest of your. LIFE i just know it's just like
Speaker 2: a very old. Friend even IF i go a while
Speaker 2: without talking to, IT i know that the SECOND i
Speaker 2: get back, in it's going to be like no time
Speaker 2: at all has.
Speaker 1: Passed, hey thanks so much for. Listening if you enjoyed this,
Speaker 1: EPISODE i hope you'll consider sharing it with a, friend
Speaker 1: maybe someone you know who also has a bit Of olympic.
Speaker 1: Fever right now and check out my new, Book The
Speaker 1: Other side Of, change which features stories of change from
Speaker 1: people you've never heard on the. Podcast you can find
Speaker 1: the link in the episode. Description we'll be back next
Speaker 1: week with another episode OF A Slight change Of. Plans
Speaker 1: i'll see you. THEN A Slight change Of plans is, created,
Speaker 1: written and executive produced by Me Maya. Schunker The Slight
Speaker 1: change family includes our Showrunner Alexandra, garratin our Editor Daphne,
Speaker 1: chen our lead Producer Megan, lubin our associate Producer Sonia,
Speaker 1: gerwit and our sound Engineer Erica. Hwang Louis scara wrote
Speaker 1: our delightful theme, song And Ginger smith helped arrange the.
Speaker 1: VOCALS A Slight change Of plans is a production Of Pushkin,
Speaker 1: industries so big thanks to everyone, there and of course
Speaker 1: a very special thanks To Jimmy lee
Speaker 2: Do