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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, where we

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Speaker 1: discussed all things mental health, personal development, and all the

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Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible

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Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Harden Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information

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Speaker 1: and resources, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls

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Speaker 1: dot com. And while I hope you love listening to

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Speaker 1: and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to

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Speaker 1: be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental

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Speaker 1: health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me

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Speaker 1: for session thirty nine of the Therapy for Black Girls podcasts.

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Speaker 1: This past weekend was the Golden Globes and one of

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Speaker 1: my favorite actresses, Viola Davis, who looked stunning in her

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Speaker 1: dress and beautiful afro, was interviewed on the red carpet

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Speaker 1: about why she felt it was important to stand in

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Speaker 1: solidarity with the Time's Up campaign launched by several Hollywood women.

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Speaker 1: During her remarks, she mentioned that she wanted to stand

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Speaker 1: with all the faceless, nameless victims out there still struggling

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Speaker 1: with knowing their worth after a sexual assault. She stated

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Speaker 1: there's no prerequisite to worthiness, You're born worthy. I found

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Speaker 1: this statement both incredibly powerful and ironic because we had

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Speaker 1: just been discussing self worth and self esteem in the

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Speaker 1: Thrive Tribe, and much of the sentiment around self esteem

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Speaker 1: and self worth seems to center on this idea that

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Speaker 1: outside influences can help us to develop an internal process.

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Speaker 1: But of course, if it comes from the outside, then

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Speaker 1: it can always go away. But if we fully step

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Speaker 1: into owning that we are worthy despite anything else in

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Speaker 1: our lives, this is where our power lies. So I

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Speaker 1: wanted to share three quick things that I think we

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Speaker 1: often confuse with worthiness. Number one, our accomplishments, So degrees

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Speaker 1: and promotions and accolades. All of those things are incredible

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Speaker 1: and very nice, but they do not dictate our worth.

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Speaker 1: I think it can be easy to get really caught

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Speaker 1: up in achieving that we forget and begin to allow

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Speaker 1: these things to define us. Number two our possessions. Have

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Speaker 1: you ever stopped to really think about why you drive

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Speaker 1: the type of car you do, or why you wear

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Speaker 1: certain brands? Is it truly about what you enjoy and desire?

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Speaker 1: Or is it an attempt to prove something to maybe

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Speaker 1: the world or yourself? And finally, number three our relationships,

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Speaker 1: and this is probably the biggest one for us as women,

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Speaker 1: because society is big on telling us that despite all

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Speaker 1: the amazing qualities we might have or don't matter how

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Speaker 1: great we are, none of that really matters if we

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Speaker 1: are not partnered, childless, or heaven forbid both. The world

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Speaker 1: has done such an incredible job of feeding us this

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Speaker 1: narrative that quite often we actually believe it. So if

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Speaker 1: no one else has told you, I want to be

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Speaker 1: the first to let you know that you are not

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Speaker 1: defined by who you are as a partner or a

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Speaker 1: non partner, or by whether someone calls you mommy. One

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Speaker 1: of the most life changing books I've read in recent

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Speaker 1: years is Self Compassion by Dr Kristin Neff, and if

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Speaker 1: you haven't grabbed this one, then I definitely think you

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Speaker 1: want to give it a look. The entire book, in

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Speaker 1: her platform, is all about treating ourselves more gently and softer,

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Speaker 1: and much like we would treat a best friend. I

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Speaker 1: want to share a short clip from an article on

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Speaker 1: her website entitled why we should stop chasing self esteem

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Speaker 1: and start developing self compassion. She says self compassion involves

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Speaker 1: being kind to ourselves when life goes awry or we

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Speaker 1: notice something about ourselves we don't like, Rather than being

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Speaker 1: cold or harshly self critical, it recognizes that the human

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Speaker 1: condition is imperfect, so that we feel connected to others

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Speaker 1: when we fail or suffer, rather than feeling separate or isolated.

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Speaker 1: It also involves mindfulness, the recognition and non judgmental acceptance

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Speaker 1: of painful emotions as they arise in the present moment,

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Speaker 1: rather than suppressing our pain or else making it into

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Speaker 1: an exaggerated personal soap opera. We see ourselves in our situation. Clearly,

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Speaker 1: self compassion doesn't demand that we evaluate ourselves positively or

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Speaker 1: that we see ourselves as better than others. Rather, the

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Speaker 1: positive emotions of self compassion kick in exactly when self

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Speaker 1: esteem falls down, when we don't meet our expectations are

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Speaker 1: failed in some way. This means that the sense of

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Speaker 1: intrinsic self worth inherent in self compassion is highly stable.

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Speaker 1: It is constantly available to provide us with care and

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Speaker 1: support in times of need. So if you are thinking

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Speaker 1: that developing a stronger sense of self worth and self

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Speaker 1: compassion is something that you could benefit from, then again

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Speaker 1: I highly recommend you check out Dr Kristen nets work

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Speaker 1: her website is self hyphen compassion dot org um and

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Speaker 1: of course this information will be included in the show notes.

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Speaker 1: The link to the article I read from as well

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Speaker 1: as her website UM and you can find that at

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Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash session thirty nine.

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Speaker 1: She also has some really cool exercises that you can

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Speaker 1: do so that you can start putting this information and

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Speaker 1: into practice. I also wanted to spend some time today

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Speaker 1: answering and on the porch question and those questions, of course,

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Speaker 1: are the ones that you all send me to the

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Speaker 1: inbox asking for feedback or suggestions about a particular situation.

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Speaker 1: And this letter states I'm such a nice, happy person generally,

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Speaker 1: but confrontation really bothers me. I feel like my desire

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Speaker 1: to be non confrontational is really harming me, especially in

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Speaker 1: my relationship. I'm so worried about his feelings, whether what

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Speaker 1: I say may be interpreted a certain way, that I

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Speaker 1: put my own feelings and opinions on the back burner

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Speaker 1: in order to be nice. I often end up feeling

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Speaker 1: worse because I can't bring myself to speak. I would

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Speaker 1: love to hear your feedback and guidance on this, so

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Speaker 1: thank you so much for writing in and I am

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Speaker 1: sure that the concern that you're having is one that

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Speaker 1: many sisters can relate to. I think many of us

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Speaker 1: are taught as a little girl that niceness is tantamount

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Speaker 1: to being anything else, and it does not often serve

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Speaker 1: as well as we grow up because it results in

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Speaker 1: us silencing ourselves for the sake of niceness. But I

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Speaker 1: also think that many of us hide behind the guise

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Speaker 1: of niceness because sometimes asking for what we want and

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Speaker 1: deserve can be uncomfortable, and we don't want to push

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Speaker 1: ourselves past the discomfort. So I wanted to call attention

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Speaker 1: to a couple of things that you mentioned in your letter. First,

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Speaker 1: you said, I feel like my desire to be non

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Speaker 1: confrontational is harming me, and I often end up feeling

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Speaker 1: worse because I can't bring myself to say anything. So

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Speaker 1: I want to invite you to think about if you

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Speaker 1: see a difference between being confrontational and assertive, because I

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Speaker 1: definitely think you can be assertive and speak up for

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Speaker 1: what you need and want without there having to be

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Speaker 1: a confrontation. I also encourage you to think about where

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Speaker 1: this pattern came from for you. Do you think this

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Speaker 1: is a long held but leave from childhood. Do you

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Speaker 1: notice that you struggle with speaking up for yourself in

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Speaker 1: multiple areas or is it just in this relationship? And

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Speaker 1: if it is just in this relationship, I wonder what

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Speaker 1: system has been developed between the two of you that

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Speaker 1: allows this to continue and actually thrives on your silence.

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Speaker 1: Another thing I'd like to call your attention to is

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Speaker 1: that you mentioned that you worry what you say will

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Speaker 1: be misinterpreted the wrong way, which leads me to believe

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Speaker 1: that this has happened before. I wonder if there is

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Speaker 1: an opportunity for you to revisit these misunderstandings. And is

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Speaker 1: this a case of you needing to be clearer with

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Speaker 1: the points that you make to your partner or is

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Speaker 1: this a case of no matter what, your points won't

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Speaker 1: be clear enough. Now, of course I have very limited

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Speaker 1: information to go off here, but it concerns me anytime

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Speaker 1: I hear a sister actively silencing themselves because it just

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Speaker 1: can lead to so many other issues. So I'd really

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Speaker 1: encourage you to work on this now that you know

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Speaker 1: that this is a thing for you, um, so that

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Speaker 1: you can really begin to use and own your voice.

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Speaker 1: One book that might be really helpful for you is

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Speaker 1: the Assertiveness Guide for Women and I definitely hope that

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Speaker 1: this helps, and please let me know if there's an

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Speaker 1: update and let me know how it goes. If you

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Speaker 1: have a question or a situation that you'd like some

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Speaker 1: feedback about, please send it over to me at podcasts

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com and your question

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Speaker 1: may be answered on the air. So if you picked

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Speaker 1: up a new tip from this episode, or if you

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Speaker 1: do get a chance to check out Dr Net's work,

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Speaker 1: I'd love to hear what you think about it. Please

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Speaker 1: share your thoughts with us on social media. Make sure

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Speaker 1: to use the hashtag tv G in session. And i'd

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Speaker 1: like to again thank you all so much for spreading

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Speaker 1: the word about the podcast. Just last week we have

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Speaker 1: the huge mouthstone of hitting half a million downloads, and

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Speaker 1: I know this couldn't have happened without y'all going so

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Speaker 1: hard for the podcast, so I really really appreciate it.

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Speaker 1: Keep telling new people about the podcast. Text someone new

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Speaker 1: that you haven't told about it, and keep sharing them

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Speaker 1: in your inst stories, every share accounts, and it helps

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Speaker 1: us get the word out about the podcast. If you're

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Speaker 1: looking for a therapist in your area, make sure to

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Speaker 1: check out the therapist directory. You can find that at

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Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. And you've

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Speaker 1: already heard me mentioned the incredible conversations that we're having

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Speaker 1: in the thrive tribe, So if you want to join

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Speaker 1: us in the Facebook group to continue some of these discussions,

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Speaker 1: you can find that at Therapy for Black Girls dot

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Speaker 1: com slash tribe and make sure that you are following

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Speaker 1: us across social media so that you can keep up

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Speaker 1: with important updates and general happenings. You can find us

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Speaker 1: on Twitter at Therapy for the Number four be Girls,

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Speaker 1: and you can find us on Instagram and Facebook at

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Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls. Thank you all again so much

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Speaker 1: for joining me this week, and I look forward to

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Speaker 1: continue in this conversation with you all real soon. Take

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Speaker 1: good here