Speaker 1: Welcome to Carefully Reckless, the production of our Heart Radio
Speaker 1: and the Black Effects, And just like that, we're back
Speaker 1: on the air. Welcome back to yet another carefully Reckless
Speaker 1: episode which your girl just hilarious. Now listen. Last week
Speaker 1: there was no episode, and I'm so sorry y'all be
Speaker 1: in my ass when I don't deliver carefully Reckless. And
Speaker 1: I'm very sorry. But I was in the middle of moving.
Speaker 1: I just closed on a huge, beautiful estate. Yes, I
Speaker 1: moved from the condo and the high rise of building
Speaker 1: and moved on up some more. Now I got my
Speaker 1: own on a state that I own. I'm not paying
Speaker 1: rent anymore. I own in the state. Now, I keep
Speaker 1: on saying the state, because that's what it is. I
Speaker 1: kept saying house. And then my realtor, who's black as well,
Speaker 1: it was like, this is not a house, baby, this
Speaker 1: is in a state. This is a mansion. You just
Speaker 1: closed on a mansion, So don't keep on reducing a
Speaker 1: residence to a house. And I love the fact that
Speaker 1: she bought that to my realization, you know, So let's
Speaker 1: dive right in. I'm back to fixing y'all mess. Now.
Speaker 1: I told y'all that y'all can submit y'all stories or
Speaker 1: y'all experiences, or anything that you feel that you need
Speaker 1: advice on in my d MS. Not the jest hilarious
Speaker 1: underscore official d M, but the carefully reckless d MS.
Speaker 1: Y'all can even submit them to reckless Discussions d m s,
Speaker 1: but not just hilarious, because I get so many that
Speaker 1: I don't even check them anymore. So we're gonna dive
Speaker 1: right in. The names are anonymous. Here we go. My
Speaker 1: baby daddy and I have been together since two thousand sixteen,
Speaker 1: first baby in and second baby in twenty nineteen. So
Speaker 1: when we got together, we both started the same place
Speaker 1: in life, no job, no car, living in a dorm.
Speaker 1: As time went on, I've always been the breadwinner. I
Speaker 1: got my medical assistant certification. I've had three apartments in
Speaker 1: three cars, and he has still been in the same
Speaker 1: place as when we started, and from the outside looking in,
Speaker 1: it's like I was taking care of him now. We
Speaker 1: never agree that he would be a stay at home dad,
Speaker 1: so of course it caused conflict between us over the years.
Speaker 1: I begged for him to get a job. I've tried
Speaker 1: gentle and tough love, but it gets stressful, pain for everything,
Speaker 1: going to work, coming home and then got to cook,
Speaker 1: clean and care for the girls and still fun. Oh.
Speaker 1: So I say all this to ask you, do you
Speaker 1: believe if a man wanted to leave, protect and provide
Speaker 1: for his family he would? Or is it something that's
Speaker 1: learned over time? Wow? Okay, so there are a few
Speaker 1: things I want to break down from the story. Actually,
Speaker 1: I don't even have to break anything down, baby, you
Speaker 1: gave me everything from beginning two now. So okay, do
Speaker 1: I believe if a man wanted to lead, to protect
Speaker 1: and provide for his family he would? Yes, if he
Speaker 1: wanted to. I think that you've made him very comfortable
Speaker 1: over the years. Like you said, you tried tough love,
Speaker 1: you tried soft love, you tried to embrace him, and
Speaker 1: you tried to be assertive with him as well, and
Speaker 1: none of that worked in every situation. This is not
Speaker 1: something that just happens over time. This person probably never
Speaker 1: had work ethic because you said, y'all started like that,
Speaker 1: but you flourished, you evolved, you grew, you worked, you
Speaker 1: had babies. You never stopped working. Your only exceeding. You've
Speaker 1: always been the breadwinner. You have certifications. Maybe you went
Speaker 1: to school for this ship, and he's still the same
Speaker 1: place that he was when y'all first got together. Maybe
Speaker 1: there was no drive from the beginning. You just didn't
Speaker 1: see it because y'all both were starting out in the
Speaker 1: same place. Now, while women are more mature than men,
Speaker 1: yes we do. We we mature faster in most cases,
Speaker 1: I do want to say a lot of men still
Speaker 1: do flourish. They do grow into being ambitious. They do
Speaker 1: pick up on motivation and things that inspire them. Some
Speaker 1: of them do get up off. They ask and change
Speaker 1: the way that they're living if they don't like the
Speaker 1: way they're living. But that's the thing. He doesn't seem
Speaker 1: to have a problem with how he is because he
Speaker 1: has you. He has to see that it's a problem
Speaker 1: for him to want to change. Nobody's gonna change for
Speaker 1: someone else if they don't even want to change for themselves.
Speaker 1: I mean, you can put on the front, you can
Speaker 1: be phony, you can fake it, but that's temporary. He
Speaker 1: has no ambition, he has no real work ethic. He
Speaker 1: has nothing to work for because you give it all
Speaker 1: to him. He's basically a stay at home dad. You cook,
Speaker 1: you clean, you work, you come home, you're tired. And
Speaker 1: he still doesn't even have dinner on the fucking table
Speaker 1: for you. You're doing this, you are superwoman of your household,
Speaker 1: and he literally is giving me villain because he's not
Speaker 1: helping you. He's leeching. And although he is the father
Speaker 1: to your three girls, he's also not teaching them what
Speaker 1: a man should do in a relationship, either you have
Speaker 1: three girls, whether you have three boys. He's not setting
Speaker 1: good examples for his children, for his girls. So who
Speaker 1: the hell do they have to compare men to when
Speaker 1: they grow up? Because me, growing up, I had the
Speaker 1: best father in the world. I still have the best
Speaker 1: father in the world, but my childhood spotless. My father
Speaker 1: was a great damn dad. So that was my initial
Speaker 1: example of a real man. Now I can't say that
Speaker 1: I always picked good men, but I grew up with
Speaker 1: the structure of knowing what a real man should do
Speaker 1: and how he provides and how him and my mom
Speaker 1: was given take everything was helping each other. Not to
Speaker 1: answer your second question, or is it something that's learned
Speaker 1: over time? Now it can be learned. Men can be
Speaker 1: taught just like women can be taught. People can be taught,
Speaker 1: but they have to want to learn. They have to
Speaker 1: be willing to be receptive of the lesson that's being taught,
Speaker 1: everything going on around them. You've made it completely comfortable
Speaker 1: for him, so he feels like he doesn't have to work.
Speaker 1: I was in a relationship like that as well. Thank
Speaker 1: god I didn't have any children about this man. But
Speaker 1: he was ambitious when I met him, and then he
Speaker 1: just got comfortable because he knew I was blowing up
Speaker 1: and he knew I could cover everything. And he still
Speaker 1: expects for you to do all these duties and still
Speaker 1: have sex with him when he wants to. You have
Speaker 1: to put your foot down and you gotta put that
Speaker 1: motherfucker out. I'm so sorry. He is not your husband.
Speaker 1: He is just your baby daddy, and he can still
Speaker 1: be a parent to your kids outside of your house.
Speaker 1: Understand that co parenting is very important and it is
Speaker 1: possible because me and my son's father do it, and
Speaker 1: we've been doing it for seven years effectively with no
Speaker 1: no problems, not even one problem. Seventy years because the
Speaker 1: first three is was low, rough, low, rocky and rough.
Speaker 1: But for seven years straight and going forward, Rome and
Speaker 1: I have been able to co parent. I think that's
Speaker 1: what you should do. I don't feel like you're happy,
Speaker 1: and if you're not happy, you should not be miserable
Speaker 1: just to keep your family together. Because they don't even
Speaker 1: sound like he's gonna marry you. It doesn't even sound
Speaker 1: like he can afford a ring to propose, So what
Speaker 1: you're gonna buy it yourself and he's gonna reimburse you. No,
Speaker 1: you got three girls to raise and you need to
Speaker 1: teach them that's not how they want to end up.
Speaker 1: And you need to teach them what a strong woman
Speaker 1: is and that is you. Because baby, truthfully, you can
Speaker 1: do battle by yourself. So I think you should communicate
Speaker 1: that with him, and you should put yourself first for
Speaker 1: the first time. Put yourself first. If you love me,
Speaker 1: you'll listen to this commercial and then we'll be right back. Okay,
Speaker 1: moving on, Hey Jess, First off, I love and appreciate
Speaker 1: what you do. You are a true gift to earth
Speaker 1: from the Lord. Keep grinding and spreading your wisdom. Thank you, baby.
Speaker 1: So here's the dilemma. I am twenty eight years old
Speaker 1: with an eight month old baby. I am no longer
Speaker 1: with my baby's father and haven't been for my entire pregnancy. Therefore,
Speaker 1: he is completely out of the picture for me romantically,
Speaker 1: I haven't dated or talked to any one since the
Speaker 1: day I found out I was pregnant. I've been keeping
Speaker 1: to myself and really trying to heal and grow so
Speaker 1: that I do not make the same mistakes in my past.
Speaker 1: I now know what I want from a man. My
Speaker 1: main focus is obviously on my child and stabilizing our future.
Speaker 1: I recently reconnected with my ex from high school. He
Speaker 1: was my first love. Throughout the last ten years, we
Speaker 1: have been on and off. The first time we broke
Speaker 1: up was due to the distance in college, and every
Speaker 1: other time after that was due to not being on
Speaker 1: the same page and being in different places in our lives.
Speaker 1: I found myself always going back to him because we
Speaker 1: have extremely great chemistry. He's a genuinely good man, and
Speaker 1: we never leave off on a bad note. Because I
Speaker 1: have a child, If I were to get back involved
Speaker 1: with him, I would definitely want to start off as
Speaker 1: friends first, so that I can solely focus on reason
Speaker 1: my child as a single mom. Should I let the
Speaker 1: past stay in the past, or should I see how
Speaker 1: we can maintain as friends then potentially something more again.
Speaker 1: So baby, First off, I'm not going to tell you
Speaker 1: that you should leave the past in the past, because
Speaker 1: you know, there's a saying don't quote me on it, honey,
Speaker 1: but you're gonna get what I'm saying. It says something
Speaker 1: like this, if you love something enough, you'll let it
Speaker 1: go and if it comes back to you, that's how
Speaker 1: you know. Okay, So you said y'all never left off
Speaker 1: on a bad note, and y'all always have good chemistry.
Speaker 1: It's like great, Maybe y'all are meant to be friends.
Speaker 1: Maybe y'all are meant to be together down the line.
Speaker 1: But like you said, I'm so happy that your child
Speaker 1: is your sole focused Like that is what you're supposed
Speaker 1: to be focused on right now, a stable future for
Speaker 1: you and your baby. But Mama gotta have funny. You
Speaker 1: want a love life and you should be able to
Speaker 1: have one now. I don't know if you're telling me everything,
Speaker 1: because I feel that you should start off as friends
Speaker 1: and see where you all can go with it. But
Speaker 1: I'm trying to figure out what exactly would be holding
Speaker 1: you back. I know that you mentioned that you two
Speaker 1: seem to always be in two different places in your lives.
Speaker 1: When you guys come act around or you know, reconcile
Speaker 1: or start your dealings again. But what really keeps you
Speaker 1: from committing to him? What really keeps him from committing
Speaker 1: to you? Because no one's going to be perfect. It
Speaker 1: seems that you two know each other and have known
Speaker 1: each other for a while for years, that's your ex.
Speaker 1: Now people grow, so maybe I'll have to get to
Speaker 1: know each other again because you don't win and have
Speaker 1: a baby out of or if he has any kids
Speaker 1: or whatever. But it seems like you love him, and
Speaker 1: it seems like this is something that you want, but
Speaker 1: you're hesitant. It's something that you're not telling me, or
Speaker 1: it's something that you're hesitant about, and now you don't
Speaker 1: have to share it if you don't want. But as
Speaker 1: long as it doesn't do any harm to you or
Speaker 1: your baby, I feel that you should proceed. You should.
Speaker 1: Is he okay with you having a child a newborn?
Speaker 1: Maybe he feels like you are always the one that
Speaker 1: got away, So maybe there's tension and maybe there's an
Speaker 1: awkwardness there because you have a baby, but it's not
Speaker 1: by him. But you guys keep on crossing paths in life.
Speaker 1: I honestly feel like if it's nothing that you're not
Speaker 1: telling me, and I'm just overthinking it. I'm thinking also
Speaker 1: another reason that you probably are won't commit to him
Speaker 1: is that you're you're scared. You're probably scared, and that's
Speaker 1: okay because you don't want to make the same mistake,
Speaker 1: which I don't fully blame you, although you have to
Speaker 1: be careful who you procreate with. But sometimes people don't
Speaker 1: give you the real of them until some ship like
Speaker 1: this happens, until I have a baby, like that's an
Speaker 1: issue for some guys, it'd be like that, But I
Speaker 1: think take it slow, see what he wants, talk about
Speaker 1: your differences, talk about why y'all really never really really
Speaker 1: stuck with each other. Gets at the bottom of why
Speaker 1: you guys never really became a couple. Get to the
Speaker 1: bottom of that, and then you guys can go from there,
Speaker 1: because whatever it is, it could be deeply rooted. But
Speaker 1: I don't really think if you guys didn't want to
Speaker 1: be with each other, you guys wouldn't keep crossing paths
Speaker 1: and you wouldn't be writing me about this right now.
Speaker 1: So just take your time and give him a chance.
Speaker 1: And congratulations on your baby girl. Hold up, Hold up,
Speaker 1: I know the ship getting good, but listen to just
Speaker 1: a couple of seconds of a commercial. If you love me,
Speaker 1: you'll listen. Okay, last one because y'all giving me some
Speaker 1: long ones today and that's totally fine. I love it. Hey, Joss,
Speaker 1: I've been listening to your podcast for over a month
Speaker 1: now and I absolutely love it. I don't know what
Speaker 1: the odds of you reading this are, but I need
Speaker 1: some advice on this. So around April I met this
Speaker 1: guy and we've been talking ever since. His only problem
Speaker 1: is he is not a good Texter, so that's your
Speaker 1: problem with him, Okay, However, his vibe is completely different
Speaker 1: in person. Now, we've been kind of avoiding the dreaded
Speaker 1: I like you, you like me. Let's be a thing topic,
Speaker 1: even though his friends and my friends say it's obvious
Speaker 1: we like each other. During one of our conversations, too,
Speaker 1: he said that because of what his ex did, he's
Speaker 1: not interested in a relationship. But I'm just like, so,
Speaker 1: why did you even start all this. We're on summer
Speaker 1: break now and I traveled out the country for that occasion.
Speaker 1: He was still dry as funk over text, despite how
Speaker 1: many I sent. Sometimes he wouldn't even answer, so when
Speaker 1: I finally asked him if I was bothering him. He
Speaker 1: said no, he just doesn't talk to people like that.
Speaker 1: So I stopped putting an effort if he wasn't going
Speaker 1: to reciprocate it. But I know we're going to have
Speaker 1: to face each other come the fall and the semester
Speaker 1: starts back up because we have the same group of friends.
Speaker 1: Should I give him the benefit of the doubt or
Speaker 1: say it was fun while it lasted. But I don't
Speaker 1: know if this is going to work out. Because we
Speaker 1: do feel for each other. I can see that too,
Speaker 1: but it's frustrating. Okay, I don't know how old you are.
Speaker 1: I don't know how old this gentleman is. But apparently
Speaker 1: he's damaged, so he has baggage. And then he hasn't
Speaker 1: let go yet, and he doesn't seem like he's interested
Speaker 1: in letting it go because he won't even allow himself
Speaker 1: to like you or to start to want to love
Speaker 1: you or love again period. And sometimes that's a real thing.
Speaker 1: We don't know what she did to him. We don't
Speaker 1: know the severity of the pain that was caused, the
Speaker 1: severity of his heartbreak. We don't know just what they
Speaker 1: went through. Now I'm not saying you don't know, but
Speaker 1: you didn't tell me, and that's that's totally fine as well.
Speaker 1: While I'm never a big fan or in a quick fast,
Speaker 1: in a hurry to tell someone to give up, because
Speaker 1: you can clearly see what I was going through on
Speaker 1: v H one every Monday night at nine pm with
Speaker 1: Daniel on Couples Retreat. You can clearly look at that
Speaker 1: and see that that wasn't easy for me, actually having
Speaker 1: to expose a vulnerable part of myself. Nobody really sees
Speaker 1: Jessica more like that. You know, all y'all see is
Speaker 1: just hilarious. But I do have a heart. I'm very feminine,
Speaker 1: I'm very soft, and I do love and I love
Speaker 1: to love, and more than that, I love being loved.
Speaker 1: So that was kind of hard. He kind of sounds
Speaker 1: like Daniel was at first in our earliest stages of dating.
Speaker 1: So I never want to tell you give up, because
Speaker 1: I didn't give up on Daniel. However, I did break
Speaker 1: up with them, and then you know, we had reconciled
Speaker 1: and just helping him work through something, and he helped
Speaker 1: me work through some things, and I realized it's a
Speaker 1: real thing. There are men out here. That's scarred from
Speaker 1: previous relationships, or from childhood, or from places that they
Speaker 1: don't even know. A lot of that ship, honestly, could
Speaker 1: be hereditary. A lot of men let ship get in
Speaker 1: their way because they're scared to open up. They're scared
Speaker 1: to express. I feel like he's scared to express to
Speaker 1: you how he feels about you. Now, if he's as
Speaker 1: cold as you say he is, how do you even
Speaker 1: know that he feels for you? Because you said at
Speaker 1: the end and throughout, because we do feel for each other,
Speaker 1: and I can see that too. You know, how does
Speaker 1: he show it? You said he's a vibe in person,
Speaker 1: it's different when he's around you. And if you guys
Speaker 1: have the same friends, kind of ask them or does
Speaker 1: he act like this when he's around da da Have
Speaker 1: y'all ever seen him with in another relationship? Or how
Speaker 1: was he? But you know, if y'all have friends, go
Speaker 1: to your friends and see, you know, like, what is
Speaker 1: it me? Or does he always act like this? Or
Speaker 1: And if they can't tell you anything, you know, you
Speaker 1: conduct your own research. Sat down with his ass and
Speaker 1: you can just sell them. Listen, I know that you're
Speaker 1: a vibe in person, and while I don't want to
Speaker 1: give up on you. I don't deserve this. I don't
Speaker 1: deserve this treatment because I didn't do anything for this.
Speaker 1: Your question is totally right. Why would you start something
Speaker 1: with me and you turn around and say, well, I
Speaker 1: don't want a relationship now? If he told you that
Speaker 1: from the jump, then this would be your fault because
Speaker 1: he was completely honest. Right. But I know us as
Speaker 1: women can really think in our minds that we can
Speaker 1: change someone, not knowing that we can't change someone. We
Speaker 1: can help people evolve, but we can't change people. People
Speaker 1: don't change people. People change themselves with urges and with
Speaker 1: a push, and sometimes they're just ready. They get so
Speaker 1: fed up with how they are they get so ready
Speaker 1: to want to come up out of it. So they
Speaker 1: change themselves for themselves. So I really want you to
Speaker 1: pay attention to that him not being able to reciprocate
Speaker 1: every emotion that you're feeling. Also, you have to take
Speaker 1: into consideration not everybody moves at the same pace. So
Speaker 1: how long ago was he in this relationship? Like? Are
Speaker 1: you a rebound? I'm not trying to disrespect you. I
Speaker 1: really just want to be carefully reckless with you because
Speaker 1: this is the reality of the ship. You could have
Speaker 1: been a rebound. He could have been using you to
Speaker 1: get over someone. Or maybe not, Maybe this is just
Speaker 1: how he is. How much are you willing to put
Speaker 1: up with? How much? Because you may miss him, You
Speaker 1: may be like, on, I'm fed up, and then at night,
Speaker 1: you know, because you're only used to texting him and
Speaker 1: being around him or whatever, because you want something with him,
Speaker 1: you may change your mind and be like, Okay, no,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try. So it's a lot
Speaker 1: of back and forth. But how much are you willing
Speaker 1: to take? Just sit down with him, I have a conversation.
Speaker 1: He still gives you the same thing. Baby, get up,
Speaker 1: get out. That's it, And that's what I want you,
Speaker 1: ladies to understand. You are enough. You are enough and
Speaker 1: you always will be. So don't let these things set
Speaker 1: you back in your love life and in your personal life,
Speaker 1: because love can actually pull and tug on your strings.
Speaker 1: It can actually send you into depression. It can like, seriously, love,
Speaker 1: it's great when it's great, but love hurts as well,
Speaker 1: you know. So you gotta just be careful what you
Speaker 1: let in and uh what you're receptive of and how
Speaker 1: you interpret love for you and just like that, we're
Speaker 1: gonna end this episode on this note. That was three
Speaker 1: great stories. Y'all. Tune in next week to Carefully Reckless
Speaker 1: Every Wednesday. I love you guys so much. Also tuned
Speaker 1: into Reckless Discussions, brand new episode dropping at seven pm tonight,
Speaker 1: and then my deepest Pam Voice peace. Carefully Reckless is
Speaker 1: a production of I Heart Radio and The Black Effect.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the I
Speaker 1: heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to
Speaker 1: your favorite shows.