WEBVTT - Leaps and Boundaries 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:05.359 Wine down with Janet Kramer and I heard radio podcast, 0:00:06.519 --> 0:00:10.920 So I've got a lot to share about what um 0:00:10.960 --> 0:00:15.560 I went and did and it was very hard but 0:00:15.680 --> 0:00:18.880 good work. And I think and step in the right direction, 0:00:18.920 --> 0:00:21.160 and I'm excited to share. I'm just gonna I'm still 0:00:21.239 --> 0:00:25.239 processing and I think in time, you know, I'll sprinkle it, 0:00:25.920 --> 0:00:27.840 you know, help us all out, give us some give 0:00:27.920 --> 0:00:30.520 us some tips. It's good, it's good, it's good. It's 0:00:30.560 --> 0:00:33.040 just you know, it's it's it's hard work doing doing 0:00:33.040 --> 0:00:35.440 the work as hard work as you as you know 0:00:35.560 --> 0:00:39.440 and as you're going through and um, but I think 0:00:39.440 --> 0:00:42.200 it's good work, and i think it's important work to do. Sure, 0:00:43.000 --> 0:00:45.040 I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. Are you 0:00:45.080 --> 0:00:51.000 giving me jesus? Hi? Hi? How I do feel a 0:00:51.000 --> 0:00:53.559 little bad. We found out that Catherine was getting a 0:00:53.560 --> 0:00:56.960 divorce and that's very sad. And I made a flippant, 0:00:57.040 --> 0:00:59.560 insensitive comment at the end that is this pot is 0:00:59.600 --> 0:01:01.960 at the pot Caffe's fault because the track record for 0:01:02.000 --> 0:01:05.720 relationships isn't great and that was rude, and I apologize 0:01:07.000 --> 0:01:11.319 it was a little rude. Yeah, exactly, Yeah, this is yes, 0:01:11.440 --> 0:01:14.120 I agree, and I'm sorry. It's just that was my 0:01:14.160 --> 0:01:17.240 first reaction was oh, not Catherine too, Like that was 0:01:17.280 --> 0:01:20.080 my honest first reaction when when I was told what 0:01:20.120 --> 0:01:21.960 had happened, I was like, Oh, that's that's so sad. 0:01:22.520 --> 0:01:25.760 And now you know you're well, you know, it's just 0:01:26.080 --> 0:01:32.360 times change. Mm hmm. I think I think it's interesting 0:01:32.440 --> 0:01:36.960 because I think people like would say that though, like 0:01:37.000 --> 0:01:39.200 but someone that I wouldn't like, I know, I know 0:01:39.240 --> 0:01:42.120 what you were trying to say, something like I totally 0:01:42.160 --> 0:01:45.800 know there was it was a funny ha ha that 0:01:45.880 --> 0:01:48.560 was the point. Yeah, but I think people actually would 0:01:48.560 --> 0:01:53.120 say that, Yeah, that's the sad part. Yeah, Like you know, 0:01:53.360 --> 0:01:58.919 like people would say in comments like oh she drives 0:01:58.920 --> 0:02:02.600 every man to cheat or or um, you know, of 0:02:02.640 --> 0:02:04.600 course her husband believe she was having sex with him, 0:02:04.760 --> 0:02:06.520 or you know what I mean, or like people like 0:02:06.520 --> 0:02:09.639 it's like they say things and then they're like too, 0:02:10.080 --> 0:02:12.400 and it's just that's what's like hurtful because it's like 0:02:12.400 --> 0:02:14.920 when you don't really know, but what you were saying 0:02:15.040 --> 0:02:17.440 was just more of like a yeah, but maybe that 0:02:17.440 --> 0:02:19.720 triggered a little bit of like people may really say that. 0:02:20.720 --> 0:02:23.600 The trolls could say that, you know, Jane has putting 0:02:23.680 --> 0:02:26.760 ideas and her friends that she got out and they 0:02:26.760 --> 0:02:28.720 got to get out because there is a stat to that. 0:02:28.760 --> 0:02:31.480 By the way, you're much likely to much more likely 0:02:31.520 --> 0:02:34.079 to get divorced if your friend gets a divorce. Yes, 0:02:34.160 --> 0:02:37.800 it jumps up, jumps up. Yeah, well that's not what 0:02:37.840 --> 0:02:40.000 I was saying, but there is something to that. Look, 0:02:40.040 --> 0:02:43.919 I will say this if anyone and Cat has been there, 0:02:43.960 --> 0:02:46.920 like she saw me the last year, she saw me 0:02:46.960 --> 0:02:49.440 the first month. If I was someone that saw that, 0:02:49.480 --> 0:02:51.960 I'd be like, I ain't getting divorced. I don't want 0:02:51.960 --> 0:02:54.160 to go through that. That that does not look fun, 0:02:54.600 --> 0:02:58.680 you know. And if anything, I almost think the reverse, 0:02:58.760 --> 0:03:01.000 because I'm like and then going into the dating and 0:03:01.040 --> 0:03:03.560 doing all that work. It's like to me, I'm like, 0:03:05.120 --> 0:03:08.320 I wouldn't I would if I would if I was 0:03:08.360 --> 0:03:11.840 like watching myself like I'm staying in my marriage, you know. 0:03:11.919 --> 0:03:14.240 And again, which is why I said, like I would have, 0:03:14.320 --> 0:03:16.240 because I'm like, all that other stuff is just like 0:03:16.280 --> 0:03:22.320 it's work regardless, right, And but um, you know that 0:03:22.320 --> 0:03:25.359 that is interesting. I've never haven't heard that stuff. But well, 0:03:25.440 --> 0:03:27.200 I think the reason it happens is because and I'm 0:03:27.240 --> 0:03:28.440 not saying this for you, too at all. I'm just 0:03:28.440 --> 0:03:30.360 saying in general, I think there's a perception of when 0:03:30.400 --> 0:03:33.360 your friend a bunch of friends in the marriage and 0:03:33.360 --> 0:03:35.280 one of them gets out of their marriage, they see 0:03:35.600 --> 0:03:37.800 they only see that upside. They see like, look at her, 0:03:37.840 --> 0:03:39.320 she's going out with the friend. You have so much fun. 0:03:39.400 --> 0:03:41.240 Oh my gosh, that guy she did it is so hot. 0:03:41.240 --> 0:03:43.160 Oh my gosh, look at her, she's just going around 0:03:43.160 --> 0:03:45.680 and having a blast. She's because the graph is always greener. 0:03:45.720 --> 0:03:49.840 What divorced person are you seeing that done that? Definitely? 0:03:50.560 --> 0:03:52.720 I would have no. No, And that's not been me 0:03:52.760 --> 0:03:55.000 the last year either, Like, yes, I've I've gone on 0:03:55.040 --> 0:03:58.320 some dates and yes, I you know that has me hives, 0:03:58.600 --> 0:04:02.720 But like I there's no part that was like I 0:04:02.800 --> 0:04:04.240 am going out with my girls. You know what my 0:04:04.280 --> 0:04:06.240 girls are doing, They're taking their kids to dance, and 0:04:06.240 --> 0:04:08.080 I'm like I'm I'm texting and going can you guys 0:04:08.080 --> 0:04:10.280 come over? Like and they're like no, I got to 0:04:10.400 --> 0:04:12.320 run him to there and heard there and it's like, 0:04:13.000 --> 0:04:16.560 m which is you know, the unfortunate part of why 0:04:16.640 --> 0:04:18.679 I think I jumped into things is because I wanted, 0:04:18.800 --> 0:04:23.280 like that, that thing to help fill that void. Um. 0:04:23.360 --> 0:04:27.040 But yeah, I mean there's there's the least this this 0:04:27.120 --> 0:04:29.240 hot girl sum rain, hot girl summer like it's and 0:04:29.320 --> 0:04:31.320 it wasn't hot girl summer last year either. It was 0:04:31.360 --> 0:04:34.840 more like crying and like, you know, being alone and 0:04:34.880 --> 0:04:37.359 like it's not going Like we went to Miami once 0:04:37.520 --> 0:04:40.120 and it was my divorce party, Like and I didn't 0:04:40.120 --> 0:04:43.680 go to Miami from a divorce. Um, that's just not 0:04:43.720 --> 0:04:47.600 my personality though, so at all. Yeah, I mean I'm 0:04:47.600 --> 0:04:50.200 not excited to date. I'm not. I don't like to 0:04:50.200 --> 0:04:54.599 go out, you know, like that would that part of it, 0:04:54.680 --> 0:04:57.000 But isn't there isn't there is always green or element, 0:04:57.080 --> 0:05:00.760 not just necessarily and divorcing, but justn't like single people 0:05:00.920 --> 0:05:02.480 they just want to get married and they just want 0:05:02.480 --> 0:05:04.560 to find somebody. But marry people are kind of like, oh, 0:05:04.600 --> 0:05:06.520 that must be so nice to have that freedom and 0:05:06.560 --> 0:05:08.120 do whatever you want. I think there is some of 0:05:08.160 --> 0:05:09.960 that I agree with that. I would agree with that 0:05:10.440 --> 0:05:17.120 for sure. I would agree with that in a in 0:05:17.160 --> 0:05:20.880 a sense because I mean if people liked to go 0:05:20.960 --> 0:05:23.440 out and saw you going out, that would be starting 0:05:23.520 --> 0:05:27.560 it fun, you know, yeah, and look I'm watching you. 0:05:28.279 --> 0:05:32.880 No offense not appealing to anyone but listen, that was hard. 0:05:32.920 --> 0:05:35.080 I didn't. I didn't want to get divorced. That's the thing, 0:05:35.160 --> 0:05:37.880 Like I was. I didn't. I didn't want to get divorced. 0:05:37.960 --> 0:05:41.960 I was a mess. Like no part of me ever 0:05:42.120 --> 0:05:46.560 wanted to divorce that man. Ever, Like I had no choice. 0:05:46.800 --> 0:05:50.800 Our circumstances are just so different. It's just so different. 0:05:51.040 --> 0:05:53.680 I mean, there was so much wrong there. We've been 0:05:53.720 --> 0:05:57.039 having issues for years, just kind of swept him under 0:05:57.040 --> 0:05:59.720 the rug and just decided to live, you know, just 0:06:00.240 --> 0:06:04.960 going just very very very different circumstances, like nothing even similar. 0:06:05.160 --> 0:06:08.800 So I don't think that you could even I do 0:06:08.880 --> 0:06:11.000 get the other, you know, the other side. But I 0:06:11.560 --> 0:06:13.840 think it's like it's hard being single, it's hard being 0:06:13.960 --> 0:06:16.320 in a relationship, it's hard being married, it's hard being 0:06:16.600 --> 0:06:19.760 you know, doing doing the work. It's like it's all 0:06:19.880 --> 0:06:22.200 just kind of hard. But at the same time, like 0:06:22.320 --> 0:06:25.560 I mean, now I see the greener side, Like now 0:06:25.680 --> 0:06:28.040 I'm so thankful to be where I'm at and I'm 0:06:28.080 --> 0:06:30.719 and I'm thankful to be single, and I'm thankful to 0:06:30.800 --> 0:06:33.040 be you know, in a in a good spot. And 0:06:33.080 --> 0:06:36.000 I think you'll you're already seeing that, which is amazing, 0:06:36.320 --> 0:06:43.480 Like it's interesting though, like because my my unhealthyness love 0:06:43.600 --> 0:06:45.360 last year of like I just like I don't want 0:06:45.360 --> 0:06:47.880 to be alone, like because I thought a man could 0:06:47.920 --> 0:06:50.480 feel that void, right, and it's like that's not even 0:06:50.560 --> 0:06:53.839 on yours. So it's like it's interesting, like how you know, 0:06:53.920 --> 0:06:57.159 how we how different we think too. I'm I like 0:06:57.279 --> 0:06:59.240 to be alone. I'm a loner and that's the whole 0:06:59.240 --> 0:07:01.279 thing with you. I'm like, you get to be alone. 0:07:01.360 --> 0:07:05.080 I know you were, And maybe there was an aspect 0:07:05.080 --> 0:07:07.240 of that sure that I looked at her and I'm like, man, 0:07:07.360 --> 0:07:12.560 she doesn't see and value that, whereas I felt like 0:07:12.600 --> 0:07:14.840 I would, you know, so maybe there is a part 0:07:14.880 --> 0:07:17.360 of that that was like man, like she gets to 0:07:17.400 --> 0:07:20.160 be on her own and work on things and do this. 0:07:20.240 --> 0:07:22.920 And that was Yes, that was very much appealing to 0:07:22.920 --> 0:07:25.520 me in the sense of like I want to have 0:07:25.680 --> 0:07:27.600 that time. I want to have that time to work 0:07:27.640 --> 0:07:31.480 on myself and be happy and you know, so I 0:07:31.480 --> 0:07:33.640 think in a good way. Yes, maybe it definitely did 0:07:33.680 --> 0:07:37.840 help watching well. I will say it took me a 0:07:37.920 --> 0:07:40.320 year to get to where you are, like that that 0:07:40.400 --> 0:07:42.800 part like now I'm like, oh, I'm so excited like 0:07:43.120 --> 0:07:45.440 to like because I think healthy attracts healthy, and I 0:07:45.440 --> 0:07:48.800 think I was so unhealthy in certain areas that I'm 0:07:48.920 --> 0:07:52.320 I'm really excited to like really like you know, and 0:07:52.360 --> 0:07:54.080 a lot of stuff that I did this past weekend 0:07:54.200 --> 0:07:57.960 is the start of that, and and and and not 0:07:58.040 --> 0:08:01.800 putting an emphasis on like my worth is not dependent 0:08:01.880 --> 0:08:04.480 on a relationship, and I think I've always put it 0:08:04.520 --> 0:08:06.800 on that because of all my daddy stuff. But then 0:08:06.840 --> 0:08:09.320 that's basically I'm going to talk more about it, but 0:08:09.320 --> 0:08:11.880 I'm also going to get the person that runs the 0:08:12.040 --> 0:08:14.920 place on here and so um, that's going to be 0:08:15.120 --> 0:08:19.120 a that's when I'll dive deeper into that work because 0:08:19.200 --> 0:08:24.040 it's just, um, realizing you're worth might take a little while, 0:08:24.080 --> 0:08:25.680 but when you do, when you dig deep, it's a 0:08:26.200 --> 0:08:29.280 it's a it's a good place to be. So um. 0:08:29.320 --> 0:08:32.920 But before uh, we do that, we're gonna have Mary 0:08:32.960 --> 0:08:35.680 Ellen on because we are going to talk about boundaries. 0:08:35.720 --> 0:08:51.160 So let's take a break and get around Hi mary Ellen. 0:08:52.360 --> 0:08:54.120 Oh my gosh, I'm gonna say a girl for like 0:08:54.240 --> 0:08:57.400 one Okay, can I can I finger on you? Because 0:08:57.400 --> 0:09:02.320 you're so cute? Thank you, You're so pretty, You're like, 0:09:02.360 --> 0:09:07.640 I love your office, You're adorable. Um, thank you. This 0:09:07.720 --> 0:09:09.520 is um. You know the sticky wallpaper that I got 0:09:09.520 --> 0:09:12.560 for like a dollar at Target. I'm I love it. Well, 0:09:12.559 --> 0:09:16.920 I'm Jemna. This is Catherine. Okay, you can you can. 0:09:16.960 --> 0:09:19.520 You can totally fan girl if you want. Let's do this, Okay. 0:09:19.679 --> 0:09:21.360 So it's really funny that I'm about to talk about 0:09:21.360 --> 0:09:23.679 boundaries because I'm going to cross one right now, and 0:09:23.720 --> 0:09:26.360 I just have to ask you what it's like kissing 0:09:26.400 --> 0:09:34.120 Stephen Coletti. That's a good question coming from the boundary 0:09:34.280 --> 0:09:39.880 queen herself. Um, she's asking such a personal question. Um, 0:09:39.960 --> 0:09:44.280 you know, how was it kissing Stephen? I love Stephen Coletti? 0:09:44.559 --> 0:09:46.480 I really do. And I hope he doesn't hear this. 0:09:46.920 --> 0:09:54.680 He I've had better, but I I love Stephen, and 0:09:54.760 --> 0:09:57.640 I think you know, we we had like our chemistry, 0:09:57.760 --> 0:10:00.640 wasn't UM like that, you know what I mean? Like 0:10:00.679 --> 0:10:02.720 we we had more of like a brother sister chemistry. 0:10:02.960 --> 0:10:08.760 So I think that also UM impacted those scenes because 0:10:08.760 --> 0:10:10.520 I mean literally would be like making out and then 0:10:10.520 --> 0:10:12.880 we'd be like, so are we gonna have Caesar salad? 0:10:13.000 --> 0:10:14.160 And then like what else do you think they're gonna 0:10:14.160 --> 0:10:16.520 have at lunch today? And like we just we didn't 0:10:16.559 --> 0:10:19.920 have like I don't think we were necessarily like because 0:10:19.920 --> 0:10:22.920 he was younger. I was, like I was in a relationship, 0:10:23.080 --> 0:10:25.240 and I mean, not that that matters. Well, no, it 0:10:25.280 --> 0:10:28.000 does matter, but I'm saying like what I meant for 0:10:28.040 --> 0:10:29.839 acting and like, you know, like you can still have 0:10:29.920 --> 0:10:33.840 chemistry with someone. Um, but yeah, I mean he's you know, 0:10:35.320 --> 0:10:39.679 you know, yeah Alex. Alex enjoyed it, Janna, you know 0:10:41.280 --> 0:10:44.720 I was. I was too into you know. Yeah, that 0:10:44.800 --> 0:10:46.400 was just it was just the job. I wasn't like 0:10:46.440 --> 0:10:49.000 paying attention to, like, oh, this kiss is amazing. Trying 0:10:49.000 --> 0:10:50.839 to think who the best kisser was though that I've 0:10:50.880 --> 0:10:57.960 ever like on screen kiss must be so awkward. Um, 0:10:58.000 --> 0:11:01.360 it is. It is very awkward the first time, like 0:11:01.480 --> 0:11:05.680 when you are about to um, Like the first kiss 0:11:05.720 --> 0:11:08.400 is always the most awkward kiss because you're like like 0:11:08.600 --> 0:11:10.440 I'm you know, most of the time I've been in 0:11:10.440 --> 0:11:12.440 a relationship when I've filmed some and so it's like, oh, 0:11:12.559 --> 0:11:16.199 like this just feels weird too, but also like it's 0:11:16.240 --> 0:11:19.240 just that first kiss. It's like you're gonna have butterflies regardless, Right, 0:11:19.480 --> 0:11:21.200 that's funny. I didn't think about that. If you have 0:11:21.240 --> 0:11:24.440 butterflies before kissing on screen. Well, I mean I because 0:11:24.440 --> 0:11:27.880 I'm like, it's not just like it's like but then afterwards, 0:11:27.920 --> 0:11:30.559 like then then this just goes away. So who was 0:11:30.640 --> 0:11:34.960 the best I'm trying to remember. I can't. I mean, 0:11:35.000 --> 0:11:38.960 I haven't like had like a bad, bad one, but 0:11:39.080 --> 0:11:42.679 the best I don't know. I mean they've all been 0:11:42.720 --> 0:11:46.120 like like the whole Marky kisses, you know, So it's 0:11:46.160 --> 0:11:58.800 not like I don't want to say anyways, I'm gonna 0:11:58.840 --> 0:12:02.280 put a boundary up and hold that one for myself 0:12:03.080 --> 0:12:05.520 for you, but y'all can go fire off in the 0:12:05.520 --> 0:12:11.360 comments and take a guess because it's ye's sweet and 0:12:11.440 --> 0:12:15.959 that's weird. Um but anyhow, um okay, So I'm very 0:12:16.000 --> 0:12:17.720 excited to have you. So you're a One Tree Hiller? 0:12:18.400 --> 0:12:21.360 Oh yeah, oh yeah, well I'm thirty two, so I 0:12:21.440 --> 0:12:23.719 was like write the age range as like it was 0:12:23.760 --> 0:12:26.719 coming out. So yeah, I mean, who isn't a One 0:12:26.720 --> 0:12:32.520 Tree Hiller? Let's be honest, right, Um? So, but you contacted? 0:12:32.679 --> 0:12:35.880 So you do you listen to the podcast? I do? 0:12:36.280 --> 0:12:40.480 I do. It's so funny because I talked about boundaries 0:12:40.520 --> 0:12:42.320 all the time. People make fun of me for talking 0:12:42.320 --> 0:12:44.360 about boundaries all the time. I am a therapist, so 0:12:44.400 --> 0:12:46.200 it's appropriate in a lot of ways, but also in 0:12:46.240 --> 0:12:49.800 my personal life, like my dad, who's not a therapist. 0:12:49.840 --> 0:12:52.000 He's in his seventies. He's like, since when did this 0:12:52.080 --> 0:12:54.800 word boundaries become so popular? Like I never heard that 0:12:55.120 --> 0:12:58.520 were like before you um So yeah. I was walking 0:12:58.520 --> 0:13:01.240 my dog and listening to um your podcast and you 0:13:01.280 --> 0:13:03.280 were talking about how you needed someone to talk about 0:13:03.320 --> 0:13:07.440 boundaries and I was like, I can do that. You're like, 0:13:07.559 --> 0:13:10.960 pick me, I can do this. So there was something 0:13:10.960 --> 0:13:13.400 that you said in your I believe it was your 0:13:13.440 --> 0:13:17.920 email to Catherine, because you email Catherine and you said 0:13:17.960 --> 0:13:20.160 something like you don't even is it that you don't 0:13:20.200 --> 0:13:22.199 like to put the word boundaries or there's something that 0:13:22.240 --> 0:13:25.160 I was like, oh, this is an interesting thought. So 0:13:25.360 --> 0:13:30.440 recently I have been seeing boundaries everywhere and it's kind 0:13:30.440 --> 0:13:34.199 of similar to you know, gas lighting is gaslighting? Yeah, 0:13:34.280 --> 0:13:36.520 all of these things that are being talked about everywhere. 0:13:37.320 --> 0:13:40.319 And I had a client coming the other day that 0:13:40.440 --> 0:13:42.480 was like, yeah, so I told them to f off 0:13:42.480 --> 0:13:46.400 because I was setting a boundary and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, 0:13:46.559 --> 0:13:49.360 Setting a boundary is not an excuse to like, you know, 0:13:49.440 --> 0:13:52.559 be mean to people. And I've been hearing it more 0:13:52.600 --> 0:13:54.200 in that way of like, oh, well, I can set 0:13:54.200 --> 0:13:55.960 a boundary and just shook these people out of my 0:13:56.040 --> 0:14:00.880 life and maybe that's your boundary. But boundaries are so 0:14:00.960 --> 0:14:04.560 much more nuanced than that, and I worry that people 0:14:04.600 --> 0:14:06.640 are getting this message of like you're either in my 0:14:06.720 --> 0:14:08.320 life or you're out of my life, and that's what 0:14:08.360 --> 0:14:10.880 a boundary is. And it's like no, no, no, no, no, 0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:13.920 like any healthy relationship is going to have boundaries to 0:14:15.040 --> 0:14:17.920 Does that make sense? Yeah, it does, it does. Yeah, 0:14:17.920 --> 0:14:21.720 it's almost like it's almost like and this is another 0:14:21.760 --> 0:14:24.680 word like stonewalling. So it's like I think that the 0:14:24.760 --> 0:14:32.960 keywords in narcissist stone walling, gas lighting, uh, boundaries. And 0:14:33.000 --> 0:14:34.880 having said all that, though, it is very interesting to 0:14:34.920 --> 0:14:36.840 look at all of those things and go oh wow, 0:14:36.920 --> 0:14:40.560 like that helps explain certain things are like oh, like 0:14:40.800 --> 0:14:42.600 I think I've done one or so of those, like 0:14:42.600 --> 0:14:44.720 I'm gonna make sure like I didn't know that I'm 0:14:44.760 --> 0:14:47.440 saying I'm sorry you feel that way is a gaslighting comment, 0:14:48.600 --> 0:14:51.880 you know. So it's like kind of recognizing going oh, shoot, 0:14:52.280 --> 0:14:55.960 well how do I change that? Or um, but I 0:14:56.000 --> 0:14:58.760 think when it comes to two boundaries with that, it 0:14:58.840 --> 0:15:01.960 almost thinks like just to shut someone out seems like 0:15:02.040 --> 0:15:05.560 a very stonewalling I don't know, but again I'm trying 0:15:05.560 --> 0:15:08.040 to learn. Also love bombing. It's another one that is 0:15:10.080 --> 0:15:15.840 one been used, um and so yeah, but I'm curious, like, 0:15:15.960 --> 0:15:17.720 is that is that a part of that? Like would 0:15:17.760 --> 0:15:23.160 that go into the stonewalling chapter? Maybe? You know, because 0:15:23.280 --> 0:15:26.320 I'm all about boundaries. I love setting boundaries. I love 0:15:26.400 --> 0:15:29.240 talking about them, but I do get worried that we're 0:15:29.280 --> 0:15:32.280 like missing the point, you know, and sometimes we're going 0:15:32.320 --> 0:15:35.560 to say goodbye. I don't need you in my life anymore. Absolutely, 0:15:36.080 --> 0:15:38.600 But most of the time when we're setting boundaries, it's 0:15:38.640 --> 0:15:40.960 to actually keep people in our lives in a healthy 0:15:41.000 --> 0:15:45.520 way and a happy way, so that we don't become 0:15:45.560 --> 0:15:48.480 resentful of them, so that we don't you know, hate 0:15:48.480 --> 0:15:51.120 them in ten years. That kind of thing I love. 0:15:51.240 --> 0:15:53.240 I love that we just said boundaries are actually to 0:15:53.320 --> 0:15:57.280 keep people in your life, not to not have them 0:15:57.280 --> 0:16:00.560 in your life. Right, And of course there's certain people 0:16:00.560 --> 0:16:03.280 that maybe we just you know, we shouldn't they shouldn't 0:16:03.280 --> 0:16:05.160 be in our lives or we shouldn't be in their lives, 0:16:05.760 --> 0:16:10.120 but boundaries, Like any healthy relationship, you want boundaries that 0:16:10.160 --> 0:16:13.160 can make the relationship healthier to know, kind of like 0:16:13.200 --> 0:16:17.160 where your role ends and my role begins. And that's 0:16:17.240 --> 0:16:21.520 really what boundaries are supposed to be, right Like I 0:16:21.600 --> 0:16:23.240 know what my side of the street is, and I 0:16:23.280 --> 0:16:24.880 know what your side of the street is, and I'm 0:16:24.880 --> 0:16:27.320 going to make sure over here is clean, and I'm 0:16:27.320 --> 0:16:29.560 going to make sure I don't go into your side 0:16:29.600 --> 0:16:32.520 of the street when I'm not supposed to. So what 0:16:32.680 --> 0:16:37.040 is what's what's healthy boundaries in a relationship that you 0:16:37.080 --> 0:16:39.240 think or is it something that where it's it's only 0:16:39.280 --> 0:16:43.440 based upon um what's right? Like what's in their relationship? 0:16:43.480 --> 0:16:47.320 I guess I think, I mean, I like, it's obviously 0:16:47.400 --> 0:16:49.800 very dependent on the relationship and the type of relationship, 0:16:49.840 --> 0:16:52.440 but I think healthy boundaries are when neither person in 0:16:52.480 --> 0:16:56.080 the relationship, whether it's a friendship or a family member 0:16:56.160 --> 0:17:00.960 or a romantic relationship, when neither person is making decisions 0:17:00.960 --> 0:17:04.080 out of guilt, out of fear of the other person 0:17:04.160 --> 0:17:07.399 leaving them, or fear of the other person being mad 0:17:07.600 --> 0:17:11.639 or being rejected, like so often we're making decisions based 0:17:11.680 --> 0:17:14.960 out of those feelings versus based out of what's best 0:17:15.000 --> 0:17:17.240 for me, what's best for the relationship, what's best for 0:17:17.280 --> 0:17:21.680 this person, how do you stick to because that's that's 0:17:21.720 --> 0:17:24.200 my that's my biggest thing. So I have like there's 0:17:24.320 --> 0:17:28.639 you know, certain boundaries that I have let people, and 0:17:29.080 --> 0:17:34.240 I will say, um, I've also stepped over certain boundaries 0:17:34.240 --> 0:17:39.760 too in my past relationships, and um, so I'll let's 0:17:39.760 --> 0:17:42.600 start with let's start with that. So, if if I 0:17:42.720 --> 0:17:46.159 was to cross the boundary, is it the person and 0:17:46.640 --> 0:17:48.800 vice versa? Is it the person to set the What 0:17:48.920 --> 0:17:51.560 happens when you cross the boundary? Is that? Like what 0:17:51.600 --> 0:17:54.600 do you do from from? From then? Like let's say 0:17:54.600 --> 0:17:56.760 it's like, okay, no more slamming doors. I slammed a door. 0:17:57.040 --> 0:17:58.640 You don't even make if the boundaries do not slam 0:17:58.680 --> 0:18:00.520 the door in the house and I in the door. 0:18:01.600 --> 0:18:04.680 So here's the thing. People don't change like that. So 0:18:04.920 --> 0:18:07.000 I think if we're working with people, if I'm trying 0:18:07.000 --> 0:18:11.320 to set a boundary with you and you forget or 0:18:11.400 --> 0:18:13.440 you don't do it, but you have the good intentions 0:18:13.480 --> 0:18:15.520 and you want to have a productive conversation about it, 0:18:15.560 --> 0:18:18.280 and you apologize and say, Okay, I understand why this 0:18:18.359 --> 0:18:21.760 is crossing your boundary. That's a whole different story versus 0:18:21.840 --> 0:18:24.080 I'm just slamming the door and like not taking into 0:18:24.080 --> 0:18:27.320 consideration what you want, you know, because I think I 0:18:27.359 --> 0:18:29.360 think the other problem is a lot of the time 0:18:29.359 --> 0:18:31.440 when people are crossing our boundaries, they don't even know. 0:18:31.600 --> 0:18:34.800 Like that's a very good example of Okay, this person 0:18:34.880 --> 0:18:37.320 knows that you don't like slamming doors. Like for me, 0:18:37.359 --> 0:18:39.959 if I'm in a relationship, like name calling is now okay, 0:18:40.000 --> 0:18:41.920 Like that's a huge boundary of mine that I sat 0:18:42.000 --> 0:18:46.080 right from the beginning. But I've been in relationships where 0:18:46.119 --> 0:18:47.600 you know, in the heat of the moment, there's been 0:18:47.680 --> 0:18:50.119 name calling, but then there's been the oh my gosh, 0:18:50.160 --> 0:18:53.400 I'm so sorry. That's my fault. I take responsibility for this. 0:18:53.600 --> 0:18:55.600 I know I crossed the boundary. I'm going to do 0:18:55.640 --> 0:18:57.639 this to make sure I don't cross that boundary again. 0:18:57.720 --> 0:19:01.280 I respect that boundary. Uh um. And I think that 0:19:01.480 --> 0:19:04.879 like those conversations are so different than the why are 0:19:04.920 --> 0:19:10.119 you mad at I slammed the door? Sure? Yeah. Um. 0:19:10.240 --> 0:19:16.080 So for example, like let's say one of my boundaries is, um, 0:19:17.000 --> 0:19:20.240 you know, I if if you lie to me, that's 0:19:20.280 --> 0:19:24.359 that's a huge boundary for me lying, Yeah, what happens 0:19:24.359 --> 0:19:28.439 then if that person lies, what am I supposed to do? Like, 0:19:28.880 --> 0:19:31.800 because in my mind, I'm like, I know now that 0:19:31.880 --> 0:19:35.199 I can't be with anyone that has well, it's just 0:19:35.280 --> 0:19:37.000 so hard this and this is where this is where 0:19:37.119 --> 0:19:39.440 this is where the boundaries get so gray, is because 0:19:39.440 --> 0:19:41.679 I'm like, I get it's very hard to be honest. 0:19:41.880 --> 0:19:43.919 I get that I've I haven't been honest at times. 0:19:44.520 --> 0:19:48.200 So but now knowing my season of healing and growth 0:19:48.240 --> 0:19:51.720 and stuff, when I say, you know, if you were 0:19:51.760 --> 0:19:55.879 to lie about this this subject, this would be catastrophic 0:19:56.520 --> 0:19:58.840 in the relationship, Like if you were to lie about 0:19:59.320 --> 0:20:02.239 cheating on your wife or whatever, you know what I mean. Like, 0:20:02.520 --> 0:20:05.520 let's just say that example, like and you I find 0:20:05.520 --> 0:20:08.240 out then, like when I find out, it's like, but 0:20:08.359 --> 0:20:11.160 that's such a bound like the lie instead of really 0:20:11.200 --> 0:20:12.520 the act, it's like the lie. So what do you 0:20:12.560 --> 0:20:14.280 do with that? Because I feel like lying is such 0:20:14.320 --> 0:20:19.040 a big boundary. Lying is huge. So I think that 0:20:19.080 --> 0:20:21.199 what you do with that says more about you than 0:20:21.240 --> 0:20:24.040 the other person. Okay, please talk to me more about that, 0:20:24.040 --> 0:20:26.880 because I talk to me about about that. And yeah, 0:20:27.560 --> 0:20:31.440 so this is a great example So if I say, lying, 0:20:31.480 --> 0:20:34.000 is you a huge boundary? You know? First date, this 0:20:34.080 --> 0:20:36.760 is my boundary. Do you have anything to tell me? Okay, 0:20:37.119 --> 0:20:38.760 fifth date, do you have anything to tell me? Do 0:20:38.800 --> 0:20:41.159 you have anything to tell me? And then this person 0:20:41.280 --> 0:20:43.920 comes back to me and I find out in kind 0:20:43.960 --> 0:20:46.680 of a not so great way and they don't They're 0:20:46.680 --> 0:20:49.480 not honest with me. You know, it would be one thing. 0:20:49.520 --> 0:20:50.879 I think if someone comes to you and it's like 0:20:51.080 --> 0:20:53.600 I wasn't honest with you honestly, is hard. We were 0:20:53.680 --> 0:20:55.399 just getting to know each other. Now that we know 0:20:55.440 --> 0:20:57.600 each other well, right, like, I think that can be 0:20:57.680 --> 0:21:00.879 something worked with. But if I find out in another 0:21:00.920 --> 0:21:03.520 way and I'm upsetting, you cross my boundary and then 0:21:03.680 --> 0:21:07.439 I decide to forgive it. Forgive is the wrong word 0:21:07.480 --> 0:21:10.159 because forgiveness is good. I decide to move past it, 0:21:10.920 --> 0:21:14.720 and you know, violate that boundary. Why am I doing that? 0:21:15.480 --> 0:21:18.040 Am I doing that because I trust you and I 0:21:18.080 --> 0:21:20.240 believe that people make mistakes and you made a mistake. 0:21:20.440 --> 0:21:23.639 Or Am I doing it because I'm getting other needs 0:21:23.680 --> 0:21:26.040 met from you and I don't want to, you know, 0:21:26.119 --> 0:21:28.560 give up those other needs I'm getting met from by you. 0:21:28.760 --> 0:21:31.640