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Speaker 1: Ba fam, we have another how to throw back for you,

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Speaker 1: of course we do. We're looking back at some of

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Speaker 1: our favorite episodes from days past for memorable guests, too

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Speaker 1: unforgettable moments. There's still so much to learn from the

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Speaker 1: b A Vault. Take a listen, willya.

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Speaker 2: Hey, hey, hey, we're back. We're black, We're brown.

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Speaker 1: Ambition ambition, ambition, ambition, ambition.

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Speaker 2: Hey mannger, how are you good?

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Speaker 3: Morning in there? How are you good?

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Speaker 1: We have some extra black in black and black. I'm

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Speaker 1: brown ambition today, I mean.

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Speaker 3: Quaudruple, the chocolate today, Quaudruple, the Yes. I'm so excited

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Speaker 3: to have these guests on, y'all. Yeah, but these are

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Speaker 3: old friends of yours. I feel like, but this is

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Speaker 3: my first time meaning then, but it's yeah.

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Speaker 2: I know.

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Speaker 1: Well, honestly, if you are listening, I can almost guarantee

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Speaker 1: that you know.

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Speaker 2: Duvault and condide Elis. They'ven millennial married couple.

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Speaker 1: First of all, they're both I feel like it's not

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Speaker 1: fair for the gene pool that both they are beautiful

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Speaker 1: and both married somebody ugly, so that way we can

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Speaker 1: spread the well.

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Speaker 2: But no, they were like, no, we're gonna.

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Speaker 4: Keep it on the.

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Speaker 2: Kids are absolutely beautiful.

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Speaker 1: They have a podcast themselves called dead Ass with K

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Speaker 1: and D that have been on several times, and they

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Speaker 1: have a new book called We Over Me, The Counterintuitive

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Speaker 1: Approach to Getting Everything you Want from your Relationship, and

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Speaker 1: as of last week, they are New York Times best

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Speaker 1: selling authors.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to the club. It's cute over here.

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Speaker 4: Thank you.

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Speaker 5: We can finally join you in some aspects.

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Speaker 4: Whatever.

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Speaker 1: No, I just I'm just like really proud of you.

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Speaker 1: I'm just so excited for you to be on here

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Speaker 1: with us.

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Speaker 5: Yes, thank you, so andy.

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Speaker 2: Well, you know you don't know them any question.

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Speaker 3: In person, but of course I know y'all like, of

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Speaker 3: course I listened to dead Ass and wait, remind me,

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Speaker 3: y'all got your start with a YouTube channel, right.

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Speaker 5: Actually we started with Instagram Instagram stology.

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Speaker 3: So for the people who haven't had the pleasure of

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Speaker 3: meeting the LSS yet, tell us a little bit about

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Speaker 3: how you got your start and how you came to

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Speaker 3: the point where you were like, let's put this into

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Speaker 3: a book. Our marriage, our relationship. These skills are so magic.

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Speaker 3: Everyone needs to know these.

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Speaker 4: Well. The funny thing is we if you read the book,

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Speaker 4: you realize that We're not even talking about how magical

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Speaker 4: skills are.

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Speaker 5: We talked about how messed up we were.

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Speaker 4: We were. We kind of figured things out that work

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Speaker 4: for us. But it actually started on social media. As

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Speaker 4: many people know, Kadeen is a host of TV hosts

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Speaker 4: and I'm an actor and since the first day we

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Speaker 4: met in college and we talked about what our dreams were.

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Speaker 4: Our dreams were to be in front of the camera.

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Speaker 4: Fast forward about ten years. I had retired from the

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Speaker 4: NFL and I was doing on auditions. I had booked

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Speaker 4: a bunch of national commercials and Kadeen was doing some

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Speaker 4: hosting and I was on Power, which is my third

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Speaker 4: time on prime time television.

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Speaker 5: And I was with my son, Jackson at the time.

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Speaker 4: Who was I think four, and he said, I come

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Speaker 4: on TV and we're all excited. My family's watching, and

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Speaker 4: he goes, Daddy, you always have on that outfit when

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Speaker 4: you were on TV. And I had on an orange

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Speaker 4: jumpsuit because that was my third time in the criminal

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Speaker 4: on television, and it hurt because I was like, I

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Speaker 4: was like, man, like here I am perpetuating the same

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Speaker 4: stereotypes that I'm trying to eliminate with all of the

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Speaker 4: work I do. I had a non for profit organization

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Speaker 4: in Brooklyn who are helping young men get into college.

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Speaker 4: So the very next day I had an audition for

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Speaker 4: Blue Bloods and I'm going the audition and there are

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Speaker 4: two lines. There's a line for a turn in a

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Speaker 4: doctor and there's a line for inmate one and two.

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Speaker 4: Of course, I'm in there to audition for inmate one

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Speaker 4: and two. And I look on the line and there's

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Speaker 4: nothing but black and brown man. So then I asked

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Speaker 4: a question. I'm like, this is a co starring role.

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Speaker 4: I said, maybe if I just asked to let me

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Speaker 4: go into the other line. So why can audition as

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Speaker 4: an attorney or a doctor? And the lady was just like, no,

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Speaker 4: you know, we have specific audition times for specific people.

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Speaker 4: On that line, we're all white and Asian men. And

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Speaker 4: I walked out and Kading was like, man, that was

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Speaker 4: a fast audition. And I was just like, I didn't

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Speaker 4: do it. I'm not I can't do this anymore. And

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Speaker 4: she was like duvow. She just walked out of the audition.

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Speaker 4: I said, I can't continue to perpetuate the same stereotype.

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Speaker 4: So she was like, well, what's your plan? I said,

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Speaker 4: Instagram has just instituted fifteen second videos. I'm going to

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Speaker 4: write little fifteen second like scenes for you and I

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Speaker 4: and we're going to map it out and have our

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Speaker 4: own little social sitcom called the Elysis.

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Speaker 6: And I was like, Okay, why do you want to

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Speaker 6: do that?

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Speaker 4: Just think about it. If we can show people that

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Speaker 4: the black family exists, because at the time, it was

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Speaker 4: just me her and Jackson, and we can show them

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Speaker 4: what our love looked like, and it's just a regular

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Speaker 4: black family from Brooklyn, just grinding to make it through gentrification.

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Speaker 4: And we had so many things that we could argue

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Speaker 4: and debate about because we were coming from a man's

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Speaker 4: standpoint and a woman's standpoint, and we were using relationships

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Speaker 4: as our basis. And she was like, all right, if

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Speaker 4: you see it, I'm with it. Started to do these

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Speaker 4: little skits. Then Instagram turned into sixty second videos and

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Speaker 4: I was like, wow, I got sixty second instead of fact,

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Speaker 4: let's go. It started to blow up, and as it

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Speaker 4: started to blow up, the comment section started to be

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Speaker 4: you know, men and women starting to debate, like I

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Speaker 4: understand the vous perspective, I understand these perspective, and then

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Speaker 4: that transitioned into the podcast, and then the podcast transitioned

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Speaker 4: into the YouTube series that Elisis where we did fifteen

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Speaker 4: minute videos, which was a sitcom of our family.

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Speaker 5: And then the next natural step was a book where

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Speaker 5: we can actually write down all our thoughts and.

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Speaker 4: Tell our story, which we called the Brooklyn Love Story

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Speaker 4: and its totality without being shortened by you know, Twitter

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Speaker 4: limits or small Instagram limits. So it just transitioned into

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Speaker 4: a book and we wanted to tell our story and

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Speaker 4: our narrative, our way.

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Speaker 2: Did you see this? So the one I there was one.

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Speaker 1: That was like you guys went viral for it was

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Speaker 1: like this really cute picture, like or maybe a series

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Speaker 1: of pictures. I remember, Yeah, so that picture went viral.

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Speaker 1: But then the I didn't realize now the vall that

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Speaker 1: it was you. But it was this hilarious skit, Mandy.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if you ever saw it that, Like

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Speaker 1: Kadeen was like not there and the vall had to

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Speaker 1: like take the kids like grocery shopping or something, and

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Speaker 1: he was like, how your mother gets you out of

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Speaker 1: the house, your pants, your paint again. It was huh

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Speaker 1: freaking I mean the way I watched that like a

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Speaker 1: hundred times to watch like this. Dad struggle with like

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Speaker 1: taking the kids outside the house taked like he would

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Speaker 1: always be like, it would take you so long to

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Speaker 1: get the kids ready, and when he had to do

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Speaker 1: it himself, he could not believe that somehow she managed

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Speaker 1: to do all of this, and.

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Speaker 2: He was like, I'm tired. I'm not to go back.

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Speaker 2: If they hadn't even gone food shoping the world were

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Speaker 2: you supposed to be going? But that was the.

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Speaker 1: Skit that like put me on to be like, wow, like,

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Speaker 1: you know, I love that that it was real and

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Speaker 1: you know that this is what it looks like that sometimes,

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Speaker 1: you know, moms make these miracles happen. They make them

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Speaker 1: seem so effortless that like Dad's like, it can't be

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Speaker 1: that hard until it's time for you to do right.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, he definitely understood after that, I get it.

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Speaker 3: How many kids do you all have today?

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Speaker 6: So we have four total now our youngest year and

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Speaker 6: about fifteen months now, and Jackson, the oldest is eleven

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Speaker 6: to be twelve. And then we have six.

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Speaker 3: Wow, yeah, yeah, I think of it. I have one

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Speaker 3: and a half. Yes, I have a three year old

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Speaker 3: and I have a I have another one on the

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Speaker 3: way in a couple of months, thank you so much. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: And honestly, I'm like, oh, sorry, what'd you say?

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Speaker 6: I said, we won't be adding anyone to anything over here.

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Speaker 3: I mean, I'm one of four, so I'm like, you know,

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Speaker 3: part of me is like, I mean, I was number three,

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Speaker 3: so I'm not trying to go all the way to four.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, maybe the third we got you, but no,

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Speaker 3: I'm my My husband and I are relationship. It's and

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Speaker 3: plus the pandemic and you guys have you know, lived

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Speaker 3: through that as a couple as well. I mean, how

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Speaker 3: do y'all see the dynamic of your marriage sort of

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Speaker 3: changing from one to two to three to four kids? Now?

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Speaker 6: I feel like after what after after three?

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Speaker 4: I was after two, after two? Whatever.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, it's just like add another one, add another one,

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Speaker 6: another one.

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Speaker 2: They'll figure it out.

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Speaker 6: We kind of like in the same direction after a while,

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Speaker 6: and your hope for the best.

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Speaker 1: You know.

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Speaker 6: The nice thing we have, the age difference that we

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Speaker 6: have is that Jackson's now almost twelve. He's literally conducting himself.

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Speaker 4: Like a grown man.

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Speaker 6: It's insane to see how responsible and how mature he is.

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Speaker 6: And we're both the oldest of three and we can

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Speaker 6: see a lot of those similar qualities in him where

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Speaker 6: we're like, oh, he's definitely a leader, he's a nurturer.

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Speaker 6: So it's nice sometimes to kind of be like, hey,

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Speaker 6: look out for your brother. So since we travel a

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Speaker 6: lot for work, you know a lot of times we

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Speaker 6: have parent guilt leaving because we're like, oh my god,

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Speaker 6: we I feel again. And you know, Jackson literally like

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Speaker 6: holds it down. It's so funny. We was having a

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Speaker 6: conversation with Zaval and I I'm like, you know, text

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Speaker 6: the driver and let him know that we don't need

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Speaker 6: him anymore. He has to come later to pick up

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Speaker 6: someone else. And Jackson's like literally over here like texting

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Speaker 6: between us the driver. I got you to worry about it.

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Speaker 4: We couldn't text because it didn't have an Apple phone,

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Speaker 4: so we were like that we need somebody to get contact,

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Speaker 4: and we hit our eleven year old send him the number,

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Speaker 4: and then he sends us the screenshot that he sent

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Speaker 4: the driver a your black My dad said, don't worry

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Speaker 4: about coming. But it's funny how he's so on it.

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Speaker 3: And I mean he's got like a head like an

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Speaker 3: ear piece on lord grown up. While he's changing a

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Speaker 3: diaper background.

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Speaker 6: Like making grilled cheese. It's so funny, but it's really

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Speaker 6: dope to watch.

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Speaker 3: When you had that idea to start Instagram videos like financially,

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Speaker 3: I mean, what was the conversation, like, you know, I'm

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Speaker 3: going to stop taking on these roles, which I know

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Speaker 3: we're not the best, and obviously we're super you know

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Speaker 3: you're a pigeonholed, which is awful, but as a couple,

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Speaker 3: how did y'all handle that? Financially? We have so many

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Speaker 3: listeners who are constantly asking us right to like, how

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Speaker 3: do y'all manage your finances and like how do you

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Speaker 3: you know, get on the same page. And it's one

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Speaker 3: thing to manage it when you're both got like nine

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Speaker 3: to five jobs. It's another thing when one of y'all

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Speaker 3: is like, I'm going to leap off this cliff. You don't,

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Speaker 3: let's go.

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Speaker 2: Oh for sure.

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Speaker 6: One thing that I knew that we could not be

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Speaker 6: was no starving artists family. That's the fact that she

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Speaker 6: wanted to be an actor. That's amazing. I'm go go

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Speaker 6: about it, but how are you going to make this

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Speaker 6: happen financially? Because at that point, what year was it?

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Speaker 6: We moved the NFL, you retired, and then we moved

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Speaker 6: back to New York and Brooklyn, and that's when we

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Speaker 6: kind of had to start over again. So our story's

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Speaker 6: a little interesting because it went from being broken college

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Speaker 6: to the valut getting money in the NFL, to us

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Speaker 6: losing everything in the recession back in two thousand and eight,

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Speaker 6: and then having to rebuild again.

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Speaker 4: And the biggest thing is I've always had plans, and

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Speaker 4: I've always included Kadeen in my plans. On our very

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Speaker 4: first date, Kadeen said to me, what do you want

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Speaker 4: to do with your life? We were eighteen years old,

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Speaker 4: sitting in my dorm room, my very first date, and

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Speaker 4: Martin was on television and I said I want to

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Speaker 4: do that and she was like, what's that? And I said,

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Speaker 4: I'm going to act. And this is the moment, realistically,

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Speaker 4: when I knew I had a partner or someone different.

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Speaker 4: She didn't laugh, she didn't get how are you going

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Speaker 4: to da da da? She said, Okay, how are we

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Speaker 4: going to get there? And it was the how are

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Speaker 4: we going to get there? To me?

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Speaker 5: That was kind of interest even like wow. First of all,

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Speaker 5: she didn't laugh.

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Speaker 4: Second of all, she included herself in my dream, which

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Speaker 4: made me in that moment, feel like she believes in

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Speaker 4: my dream as well, which made me feel good. So

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Speaker 4: then I told her, I said, well, if I make

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Speaker 4: it to the NFL and I make a practice squad,

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Speaker 4: I can make a hundred This is at eighteen. Now,

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Speaker 4: I said, I can make one hundred thousand dollars in

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Speaker 4: four months. We can put a down payment in the

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Speaker 4: Brownstone in Brooklyn, we can run out the upstairs two floors,

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Speaker 4: we can live in the basement part, and we could

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Speaker 4: We don't have to be starving artists because the rent

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Speaker 4: will cover the mortgage.

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Speaker 6: And she was like, wow, eighteen at eighteen, and I

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Speaker 6: was like, what.

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Speaker 3: You had a good one. I was not talking about

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Speaker 3: down payments at eighteen.

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Speaker 4: But the funny thing is that's the way my brain

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Speaker 4: always worked. So as I got to the NFL, of

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Speaker 4: course I bought property, I did all the right things.

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Speaker 4: The recession hits and I get cut in the same

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Speaker 4: three months. Like the recession hit that summer of two

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Speaker 4: thousand and eight, I get cut in September two thousand

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Speaker 4: and eight. So then for the next four months we

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Speaker 4: were trying to figure out which this income then come

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Speaker 4: in because I had bought multiple properties, and now I

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Speaker 4: have no income coming in.

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Speaker 6: Her full part about that, too, is just like we

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Speaker 6: did all of the right things, Like he's so dealing

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Speaker 6: to like his business acumen and his financial acumen was

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Speaker 6: so far beyond anything I had experienced, so I knew

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Speaker 6: he was doing the right things. I was like, he's

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Speaker 6: not throwing bands in the strip club. I mean, you know,

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Speaker 6: he's out. We were doing all the right things with

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Speaker 6: his money, and then here we are back to one.

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Speaker 4: So when I decided to retire, I told kay, I said, listen,

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Speaker 4: give me some time. I will get us back to

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Speaker 4: where we were when I was playing board. And this

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Speaker 4: is where the partnership comes in. And we worried about

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Speaker 4: this in the book, I said to Kadeen, I'm cut.

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Speaker 4: We don't have insurance. All I need is for someone

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Speaker 4: to have insurance. You're pregnant, so to make sure that

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Speaker 4: we can cover the baby. Stuff like that. Kadeen took

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Speaker 4: off her engagement ring and put it in her jewelry box,

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Speaker 4: got on that B forty four bus and went to

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Speaker 4: the mall and said, I need a job. And her

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Speaker 4: biggest focus was getting a full time job so that

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Speaker 4: we can get insurance. So my answer to that question was,

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Speaker 4: anytime there was a financial issue you I never hit it.

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Speaker 4: We talked about how we were going to get ourselves

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Speaker 4: out of that financial situation together. She was never to know,

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Speaker 4: too stuck up to pull up our bootstraps and say

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Speaker 4: I'm gonna go work. I worked as a substitute teacher.

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Speaker 4: I worked as a color commentary on MG varsity. I

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Speaker 4: did personal training. There was no job that was beneath

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Speaker 4: me in order to provide for my family, and my

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Speaker 4: wife felt the same way. So during those times, we

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Speaker 4: just worked harder. We did multiple jobs, multiple tasks, until

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Speaker 4: we got to the point where we could say, you

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Speaker 4: know what, I want autonomy over my time. Now I'm

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Speaker 4: going to quit this aspect and just focus on this.

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Speaker 4: And Instagram was able to provide that for us when

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Speaker 4: the brand partnership deals started to come up.

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Speaker 1: So what are the conversations like now about money? Now

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Speaker 1: that like you're off the struggle bus, you know, and

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Speaker 1: you're like, so I'm curious, like where are you? So

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Speaker 1: it's like, you know, in the beginning, like so many

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Speaker 1: new entrepreneurs, there's this struggle and then there's a space

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Speaker 1: where it's like I'm kind of okay, and then there's

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Speaker 1: a space where it's like, no, I'm solidly okay.

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Speaker 2: And then hopefully.

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Speaker 1: There's a space where it's like I'm beyond okay, doing

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Speaker 1: really well.

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Speaker 2: So where are you in that space? And then how

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Speaker 2: have the conversation shifted?

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Speaker 4: Well, right now, we're beyond okay. We're doing extremely role.

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Speaker 4: I'd like to say. We live in abundance. And the

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Speaker 4: first thing we do is we have a fiduciary responsibility

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Speaker 4: to pay forward. You know, I feel like no one

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Speaker 4: should live in abundance without being a gift to other people,

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Speaker 4: because this is a gift to well. So that's the

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Speaker 4: first thing. The second thing is all about about wealth building. Now,

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Speaker 4: how can we prepare our children to be in this

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Speaker 4: space regardless of what happens to them in life. It

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Speaker 4: doesn't matter if I mean, of course we want through

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Speaker 4: the graduate in high school and go to college or

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Speaker 4: learn the trade or do something. But I want to

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Speaker 4: be able to have my children live freely on this planet.

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Speaker 5: And that's what the goal is.

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Speaker 4: Now. What things can be put in place to make

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Speaker 4: sure our children okay?

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Speaker 6: And it's funny Tiffany and Mandy, because it did out

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Speaker 6: for a long time has to school me on the

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Speaker 6: financial world and how things work. I was not good

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Speaker 6: with money, and not to say that I was a

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Speaker 6: frivolist spend or, but for example, Deval gave me or

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Speaker 6: put me on his credit card a little bit after.

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Speaker 4: What was it the NFL this two thousand and six,

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Speaker 4: I was, I was a working the NFL, and I

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Speaker 4: was trying to help with.

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Speaker 6: Build a credit, right because at this point my parents

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Speaker 6: hadn't really explained anything to me about credit or anything.

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Speaker 6: So he added me onto his credit card. So I'm thinking, oh,

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Speaker 6: I got like money for sad and I could just

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Speaker 6: pay it back at my leisure. And I didn't realize

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Speaker 6: that at the time I, you know, put the card.

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Speaker 6: I think it was like fifteen thousands, was like the

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Speaker 6: with the max and I was just making like small

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Speaker 6: payments like oh twenty five thousand a month, you know,

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Speaker 6: not knowing.

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Speaker 3: Anything about adults.

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Speaker 7: Right.

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Speaker 6: So there's that things that we were in being broken

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Speaker 6: and going back to Brooklyn having to rebuild. Even in

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Speaker 6: the space that we're in now, I still sometimes move

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Speaker 6: with caution, like I don't want to buy this, or

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Speaker 6: what's the budget for that? And that was like my, my, my,

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Speaker 6: look at the person that just seems to be like

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Speaker 6: I don't know if you guys have seen this, like

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Speaker 6: a video going around a viral where someone has their

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Speaker 6: Apple parent They're like charging everything everywhere, And I just

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Speaker 6: can't get used to that now because I'm still living

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Speaker 6: in this sense of fear sometimes like what if it

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Speaker 6: all gets snatched away?

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Speaker 4: You know.

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Speaker 6: But Devell has helped kind of ease that anxiety in

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Speaker 6: meet and then you know, like, Okay, now we have

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Speaker 6: certain things allotted, like the children will be okay, we

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Speaker 6: will be okay, like these people and things that we

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Speaker 6: have in place will make it so that we're okay,

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Speaker 6: Like you don't have to live like that. But also

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Speaker 6: to us feel like it's a more stressful environment like

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Speaker 6: that whole more money, more problem situation, because now we

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Speaker 6: are technically employing a large group of people to work

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Speaker 6: for us, to help us create the content that we have.

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Speaker 6: So now I'm thinking about how many people's livelihoods we're

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Speaker 6: responsible for, and that's a different kind of pressure when

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Speaker 6: you think about it, it's like it's not just about us.

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Speaker 6: It's trying to make sure that our people around us

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Speaker 6: are also staying aflow so that's an added layer of stress.

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Speaker 6: Like back in November, Devell had this breakdown unlike anything

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Speaker 6: I've seen before. I know he doesn't mind sharing.

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Speaker 4: It because he's spoken about it.

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Speaker 6: But he was filming his I think it was sixties

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Speaker 6: and insists or Ta tema and I'm pretty much passed

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Speaker 6: out on set and when I spoke to him and

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Speaker 6: I'm like, hey, you know, I'm a Jamaica at a

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Speaker 6: wedding and I'm like, you know, what's going on? And

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Speaker 6: He's just like, oh, I'm you know, dehydrated, I'm really

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Speaker 6: stressed out and whatnot. And I said to him without like,

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Speaker 6: if you don't feel well this weekend, maybe you can't

404
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Speaker 6: make it to work on Monday, Like they're going to

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Speaker 6: have to understand your health comes first. And he literally

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Speaker 6: was like no, Like I have to go to work

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Speaker 6: because I have to make this money, because I have

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Speaker 6: people I have to pay. And that was the main

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Speaker 6: reason why he couldn't even take the time to get

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Speaker 6: one hundred percent back to himself health wise, because he

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Speaker 6: had the stress of thinking about how many people we

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Speaker 6: had that were depending on us. That's another level of

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Speaker 6: stress that you deal with in the financial space.

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Speaker 4: No yeah, I mean tivitany And you you understand this.

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Speaker 4: When you become your own company, you you sort of

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Speaker 4: become an economy for so many people. And when you

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Speaker 4: become that economy, it only works as you work. And

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Speaker 4: when you've when you've been trusted people, you put it

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Speaker 4: on them like, hey, I need you to help me,

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Speaker 4: help me make this happen. But also they've n trusted you,

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Speaker 4: so it's like now they put their livelihoods and their

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Speaker 4: dreams and stuff in your pretty much in your lap

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Speaker 4: and say, hey, as long as you work, I'm here

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Speaker 4: to help facilitate that. But during that time, I didn't

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Speaker 4: realize how much financially, how much pressure that would be

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Speaker 4: on us financially. And we're at that point now, like

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Speaker 4: I said, when we live in abundance and we always

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Speaker 4: want to pay forward and help people, but it is

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Speaker 4: like a huge responsibility to make sure that we always

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Speaker 4: bring in enough to make sure that we can put

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Speaker 4: it back out there into me.

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Speaker 2: Can I give you some advice and feedback?

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Speaker 4: Of course you can, because you already know.

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Speaker 2: How well I was saying. I was there. Look, Confinia

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Speaker 2: was like growl, let me get my notebook. This is

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Speaker 2: for so this is.

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Speaker 1: That's a stage in entrepreneurship that you know, many of

438
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:07,600
Speaker 1: us reach, especially if we are the face of our brand.

439
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:11,160
Speaker 1: Like Mandy has her own business. She teaches career and negotiating,

440
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:15,680
Speaker 1: especially the women. And so in the beginning, yes, you

441
00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:17,440
Speaker 1: are the face. First, it's just you, you know, because

442
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:18,960
Speaker 1: you're like, I ain't got money to pay nobody, So

443
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,240
Speaker 1: you do all the things. And then if your fortunate

444
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:24,080
Speaker 1: business grows, you bring on help and then they're working

445
00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:27,080
Speaker 1: side by side. And then you get to a point

446
00:20:27,119 --> 00:20:30,520
Speaker 1: where it's like you literally for many people. You have

447
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:33,320
Speaker 1: to work in order to provide for not just your family,

448
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:36,600
Speaker 1: but your business family. And that's where it gets tricky

449
00:20:37,119 --> 00:20:40,680
Speaker 1: because same I had, like my blood pressure was through

450
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,240
Speaker 1: the roof. I mean it was to the point where

451
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,720
Speaker 1: was like you been have a heart attack, tiphany because.

452
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:46,960
Speaker 2: You can't be No. One sixty one seventy over one hundred.

453
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:47,560
Speaker 2: I mean it was.

454
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,520
Speaker 1: I stopped taking my blood pressure like I didn't have

455
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:52,480
Speaker 1: I wasn't on medication, but the doctor was like, if

456
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:54,120
Speaker 1: you come back with this blood pressure like this again,

457
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:56,520
Speaker 1: I'm gonna put you on medication. I gained like thirty

458
00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:59,520
Speaker 1: pounds the level I was so stressed. I didn't know

459
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,159
Speaker 1: what it felt like not to be stressed. You know.

460
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:04,080
Speaker 1: I used to tell myself I'm a morning person because

461
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:05,879
Speaker 1: I woke up every morning at four or five am.

462
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:09,119
Speaker 1: Until I realized I'm not necessarily a morning person. It

463
00:21:09,119 --> 00:21:12,760
Speaker 1: was anxiety. I could not sleep, even in my dreams.

464
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:14,879
Speaker 1: I was working in my dream I remember, literally in

465
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:16,119
Speaker 1: my dreams on a computer.

466
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:16,959
Speaker 2: Can you imagine?

467
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:20,480
Speaker 1: But you know so, and it doesn't It shouldn't have

468
00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:24,520
Speaker 1: to take tragedy. But I knew, like a year or

469
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:27,919
Speaker 1: so before my husband passed away, I knew that something

470
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:31,520
Speaker 1: had to shift because I was declining and I was

471
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:33,560
Speaker 1: trying to make these small little shifts and small little shifts,

472
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:33,880
Speaker 1: and it.

473
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:34,680
Speaker 2: Wasn't really enough.

474
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,720
Speaker 1: And it wasn't until Jarrell passed away that I realized

475
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,679
Speaker 1: I have to make a huge, sweeping change because you

476
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:44,080
Speaker 1: gotta choose, Tiffany, You're either going to grieve over your

477
00:21:44,119 --> 00:21:46,840
Speaker 1: health or grieve over your husband, because I just didn't

478
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:49,760
Speaker 1: have the capacity to do both. And so I said,

479
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:51,600
Speaker 1: I need to get my health together. And one of

480
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,040
Speaker 1: the ways is I had to revamp the way I

481
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:57,679
Speaker 1: did business that it doesn't like now. The way the

482
00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:02,439
Speaker 1: business runs largely it doesn't have to fully depend on

483
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:06,240
Speaker 1: me hitting the track, because at one point it was

484
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:08,720
Speaker 1: like yo if because I could not work for six

485
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:12,000
Speaker 1: months after he passed away, and I saw like a

486
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,040
Speaker 1: whole new side of people who I thought were down

487
00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:16,639
Speaker 1: for whatever when I could no longer dance, you know,

488
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:19,160
Speaker 1: dance to dance to make sure everybody ate, And so

489
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,800
Speaker 1: slowly but surely I started to shift my business.

490
00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:23,800
Speaker 2: I had to reduce some staff.

491
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,479
Speaker 1: You know, it wasn't pleasant, but I had to and

492
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:30,600
Speaker 1: to shift the way, like I pivoted from the money

493
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:32,080
Speaker 1: has to come from Tiffany.

494
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:33,960
Speaker 2: Being there to what are other ways?

495
00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:36,439
Speaker 1: So I'm in the budget. THEESE is in the business

496
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:39,520
Speaker 1: of community and content. That's what I told my team,

497
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:42,080
Speaker 1: So how do we monetize the community? How do we

498
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:45,320
Speaker 1: monetize the content where it doesn't depend on me going

499
00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:45,879
Speaker 1: out to speak?

500
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:46,879
Speaker 2: So even now we.

501
00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:49,639
Speaker 1: Are in the middle of like this huge shift and

502
00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:51,800
Speaker 1: pivot because right now it used to be one hundred

503
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:55,600
Speaker 1: percent Tiffany. Now it's about seventy sixty seventy percent Tiffany.

504
00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:57,119
Speaker 1: By the end of the year, my am is fifty

505
00:22:57,119 --> 00:23:00,280
Speaker 1: percent by next year thirty percent. But it had to

506
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:03,560
Speaker 1: be intentional or you will work yourself to the ground.

507
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:05,760
Speaker 1: So the key in all things when it comes to

508
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:07,760
Speaker 1: business in particular, I've been talking to a lot of

509
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:09,920
Speaker 1: people this week, is that I call it, you want

510
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:13,880
Speaker 1: to start to pre pivot, meaning you should be able

511
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:16,400
Speaker 1: to end your business, look into the future and say

512
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:19,680
Speaker 1: this is where this is headed, sick, overwhelmed overwork that

513
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:22,679
Speaker 1: so before we get there three years from now, what

514
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:25,800
Speaker 1: do I need to do now? Because you will have

515
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,760
Speaker 1: to pivot because your body is going to force you.

516
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:31,280
Speaker 1: But if I can pre pivot, do it willingly. I

517
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:33,320
Speaker 1: can take my time and I can do so. And

518
00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:35,600
Speaker 1: although it's hard and not everyone's going to be happy

519
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:36,880
Speaker 1: about it, but I can do so.

520
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,560
Speaker 2: So in three years, when the.

521
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:41,960
Speaker 1: Event happens or whatever, then I've already done the work

522
00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,280
Speaker 1: or or the foundation or whatever it is that I'm

523
00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:46,520
Speaker 1: needing to do. And so that's just for all business owners.

524
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:49,679
Speaker 1: For YouTube Mandy, is that ideally, what you hope is

525
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:52,840
Speaker 1: that you bake this in to your business model, that

526
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:54,040
Speaker 1: you don't go so far.

527
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:55,480
Speaker 2: That it's just like you you you you you, And

528
00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:56,560
Speaker 2: if you haven't.

529
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,840
Speaker 1: You know, you start you have to ask yourself like, well,

530
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:00,960
Speaker 1: how do I want what am I in the business of,

531
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:03,159
Speaker 1: How do I want my business to make money outside

532
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:04,840
Speaker 1: of me? What do I need to start doing to

533
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:08,159
Speaker 1: start to integrate that into the business now, because I

534
00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:11,080
Speaker 1: promise you, like a reckoning is coming if you don't,

535
00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:13,520
Speaker 1: because if you pass that on set, the body keeps

536
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:15,400
Speaker 1: the score. It's like, I don't care what you're talking

537
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:17,760
Speaker 1: about that you find I say, you're not lay down,

538
00:24:19,119 --> 00:24:22,280
Speaker 1: you know, and so like I don't want that for

539
00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:25,199
Speaker 1: anyone listening, And so yeah, I just it's certainly we

540
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:27,000
Speaker 1: could talk offline about like some ideas, like you know,

541
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:29,399
Speaker 1: cause I literally just meeting with my friend love yesterday,

542
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:31,560
Speaker 1: my friend Bosmos, like can't we talk? Everyone is just

543
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:33,480
Speaker 1: like can we talk? Because I'm the queen of the

544
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:35,760
Speaker 1: pre pivot, Like, let me get ahead of this thing

545
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:38,760
Speaker 1: before it takes me out. Wait, the conversation is getting

546
00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:41,159
Speaker 1: so juicy, but we got to take a break pay mills,

547
00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:44,560
Speaker 1: you know. So we will be right back with Kadeen

548
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:51,760
Speaker 1: and Duval stay put and we're back in black.

549
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:55,720
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean as a couple, like I listen, I

550
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:57,359
Speaker 3: mean we were at my husband and I were at

551
00:24:57,359 --> 00:25:00,720
Speaker 3: a friend's friend a couple of friends. How yesterday and

552
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,479
Speaker 3: they were making pizzas, and like, it's really hard to

553
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:06,040
Speaker 3: not compare yourself to other couples, right, I don't know.

554
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:08,399
Speaker 3: For me, anyway, I try not to. I've gotten there

555
00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:11,160
Speaker 3: about not comparing my son to other kids. But I'm

556
00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:13,159
Speaker 3: just like, Wow, they've been making these pizzas and I

557
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:15,960
Speaker 3: haven't heard either of them like snap or like, you know,

558
00:25:16,119 --> 00:25:17,960
Speaker 3: like there's enough space in the kitchen for them, Like

559
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:22,600
Speaker 3: what's wrong with us? But can y'all talk about like

560
00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:24,879
Speaker 3: I mean, and I'm sure in the book you know

561
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:28,240
Speaker 3: you talk about this too, how there are imperfect not imperfections,

562
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:31,639
Speaker 3: but just the reality of being you know, too strong,

563
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:35,960
Speaker 3: independent minded people in a relationship. Have there been moments

564
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,120
Speaker 3: where like one of y'all have wanted to go one

565
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:41,600
Speaker 3: way and the other the other direction and you were

566
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:43,280
Speaker 3: just like doing this tug of war and how you

567
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:44,199
Speaker 3: maybe navigated that?

568
00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:47,919
Speaker 6: And I think either of us are so strong in

569
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:51,280
Speaker 6: our thoughts that we're not willing to bend. It's really

570
00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:55,000
Speaker 6: like there's no power struggle here, nor is there uh

571
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:58,760
Speaker 6: like forcing of one to be the leader and be

572
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:01,240
Speaker 6: right in that moment. I feel like whoever is better

573
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:04,280
Speaker 6: equipped in a certain moment to do whatever the task is,

574
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:06,800
Speaker 6: we do it, and if we feel strongly about something,

575
00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:08,560
Speaker 6: we voice that and then we find a way to

576
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:11,720
Speaker 6: work around it because usually for the most part, I

577
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:13,879
Speaker 6: feel like we usually land on the space for devias,

578
00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:16,240
Speaker 6: Like kadein, I really don't care about this particular thing.

579
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,280
Speaker 6: If you hear that much about it, go ahead and

580
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:20,520
Speaker 6: make a decision. And I'm un rock with you. I

581
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,600
Speaker 6: think we both respect each other not to know that

582
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:25,320
Speaker 6: we're never going to lead each other too far straight

583
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:27,040
Speaker 6: and if we see it happen and we know how

584
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:30,760
Speaker 6: to read each other back in. But have you really

585
00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:32,080
Speaker 6: struggled with anything much?

586
00:26:33,119 --> 00:26:35,639
Speaker 4: No, I think I think part of this kind of

587
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:39,840
Speaker 4: goes back to what Tiffany was saying. But I love

588
00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:43,800
Speaker 4: the pre pivot. So I'm good at foreseeing when things

589
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:46,640
Speaker 4: I'm like something something ain't like. That's why last year

590
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:49,240
Speaker 4: to me was an anomaly. But when it comes to

591
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:54,040
Speaker 4: us making decisions, there's no wrong decision. So if Kadeen

592
00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:56,960
Speaker 4: is strong minded about something, and say, for example, it

593
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:59,000
Speaker 4: goes in the direction that I don't foresee it being

594
00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:01,640
Speaker 4: being positive successful, I'm like, babe, how about we try

595
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:04,360
Speaker 4: this a week? We make move this way? Like I don't.

596
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:07,280
Speaker 4: It's no blame game. It doesn't matter who made the decision.

597
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:09,639
Speaker 4: This is the decision we're going because one of us

598
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:12,120
Speaker 4: is strong minded about it, and it works out perfectly,

599
00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:15,840
Speaker 4: bawdly celebrated. If it don't, let's pivot before it gets

600
00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:18,160
Speaker 4: too bad and move on. And I think that type

601
00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:21,080
Speaker 4: of idea, that there's no wrong decision or no bad decision,

602
00:27:21,119 --> 00:27:23,600
Speaker 4: allows us to not argue about what we're going to do,

603
00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:26,080
Speaker 4: because most of those arguments tend to be, well, you

604
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,560
Speaker 4: made the mistake, you made the decision if we would

605
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,640
Speaker 4: have did it my way, and in my mind, there

606
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:32,600
Speaker 4: is no my way.

607
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:36,560
Speaker 5: You know, we've been doing this together since eighteen, and.

608
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:40,520
Speaker 4: When I say together, I mean right now maybe de

609
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:42,760
Speaker 4: vou season because I'm on television and I'm the.

610
00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:44,840
Speaker 5: One who came up with Instagram and all this other stuff.

611
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:47,359
Speaker 4: But there was a point when it was Kadeen season

612
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:49,159
Speaker 4: and I had to just be the person to just

613
00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:51,920
Speaker 4: rock with her. I was an All American in college

614
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,960
Speaker 4: and she needed help with her white balance filming for

615
00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:58,560
Speaker 4: her while she was working for New twelve. I got

616
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:00,520
Speaker 4: the camera on my shoulder, I got the pro out,

617
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:02,439
Speaker 4: and I'm I'm trying to do this because I have

618
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:04,879
Speaker 4: to play my part in her dream as well. So

619
00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:08,040
Speaker 4: since we've been used to for twenty years, always playing

620
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:11,199
Speaker 4: our role in the other person's ideas of success, it's like,

621
00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:13,440
Speaker 4: all right, well, what do you want to do? How

622
00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:14,800
Speaker 4: are we going to do it together?

623
00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:17,000
Speaker 6: And that's essentially how we came up with the title

624
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:20,320
Speaker 6: of the book. I'm just about to say dating over me,

625
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:21,880
Speaker 6: camera on his shoulder.

626
00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:32,840
Speaker 7: Okay, you are aging us, my good man, biges.

627
00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:35,560
Speaker 6: Okay, so we over me.

628
00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:39,200
Speaker 1: If anyone's listening, whether they're a single, partner and married

629
00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:42,120
Speaker 1: or whatever, what do you hope like, what's like one

630
00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:44,640
Speaker 1: of some key lessons that you hope people take away,

631
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,320
Speaker 1: you know, for their own lives, whether they're partners or not.

632
00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:50,640
Speaker 6: Well, the first thing is with we over me, we

633
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:54,240
Speaker 6: hope that folks know that this is not like a

634
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:56,960
Speaker 6: relationship how to book. I know it kind of gets

635
00:28:57,080 --> 00:28:59,760
Speaker 6: put under those categories, but we really didn't want it

636
00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:03,000
Speaker 6: to be a book that people went to thinking like

637
00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:06,360
Speaker 6: we're going to give them some outline of what made

638
00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:10,280
Speaker 6: the perfect marriage or the best relationship. Because we don't

639
00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:12,720
Speaker 6: profess to have all the answers. What we're hoping to

640
00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:14,920
Speaker 6: do in the book is to just share a little

641
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:17,280
Speaker 6: bit about our love story, our journey, because a lot

642
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:18,680
Speaker 6: of times people will see us and then be like,

643
00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:21,480
Speaker 6: oh my god, kadin what was your prayer, Devo? What

644
00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:24,000
Speaker 6: was your prayer? How did I get this? Devo? How

645
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:26,680
Speaker 6: do I get Kadeen? And it's like, Kadina de value.

646
00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:29,800
Speaker 6: See today is twenty years in the making. We needn't

647
00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:30,680
Speaker 6: just wake up like this.

648
00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:33,040
Speaker 3: You're not reminding myself that. I'm like, mm hm, they

649
00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:33,880
Speaker 3: said twenty years.

650
00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:37,360
Speaker 4: It's been less than how long how long you been

651
00:29:37,400 --> 00:29:38,400
Speaker 4: with your husband.

652
00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:42,720
Speaker 3: About town twenty twelve? Like eleven years together and married five.

653
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:46,120
Speaker 5: So I'll make you some insight real quick to the book.

654
00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:47,960
Speaker 4: Okay, our first.

655
00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:52,720
Speaker 5: Five years of marriage was terrible, like stole back.

656
00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:56,040
Speaker 3: After and you didn't have to deal with the pandemic.

657
00:29:57,240 --> 00:30:00,280
Speaker 4: There was no pandemic and this was NFL, so it

658
00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:03,719
Speaker 4: was like everything was bliss free, free college education, everything.

659
00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:06,360
Speaker 4: And we had been together eight years before them. So

660
00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:09,040
Speaker 4: we're telling you is that for the first thirteen years

661
00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:14,000
Speaker 4: of our friendship slash courtship slash marriage, we were at

662
00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:17,920
Speaker 4: each other not knowing how to do this thing. And

663
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:19,960
Speaker 4: we like to tell people that because people will get

664
00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:22,080
Speaker 4: into a relationship and after six months like, ah, I

665
00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:24,720
Speaker 4: shouldn't be this hard. We supposed to be blissed, and

666
00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:27,800
Speaker 4: it's like thirteen years it took for us to be like,

667
00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:30,479
Speaker 4: wait a minute, I got to change my mindset if

668
00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:35,200
Speaker 4: I want to be successful moving forward. And for Kadinni,

669
00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:39,600
Speaker 4: we want people to understand that it's about choices, right.

670
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:41,640
Speaker 4: The first thing we say in the book is that

671
00:30:41,720 --> 00:30:43,760
Speaker 4: you don't have to stay where you're not wanted or

672
00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:44,480
Speaker 4: where you don't.

673
00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:46,560
Speaker 5: Want to be, and it's okay to move forward.

674
00:30:46,640 --> 00:30:49,440
Speaker 4: The biggest thing is we work because I make a

675
00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:51,560
Speaker 4: choice to be here and she makes a choice to

676
00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:54,240
Speaker 4: be here. The obligation to be there because of a

677
00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:56,880
Speaker 4: title or because of children will put you in a

678
00:30:56,960 --> 00:30:59,840
Speaker 4: trap where you feel like your back's against the wall.

679
00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:03,520
Speaker 4: Creates more issues than anything else. The first step that

680
00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:07,440
Speaker 4: I want to say to anybody is choose yourself. Make

681
00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:09,400
Speaker 4: that choice to be like you I want to be

682
00:31:09,480 --> 00:31:13,360
Speaker 4: in this situation, whether it's monogamous, polygamists, like, there's so

683
00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:17,080
Speaker 4: many different lifestyles, choose whicheveryone works for you for us,

684
00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:20,040
Speaker 4: monogamy works for somebody else, it may not work and

685
00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:22,440
Speaker 4: It's okay to choose what you like, and once you

686
00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:25,480
Speaker 4: make that choice, be ready to be a service to

687
00:31:25,560 --> 00:31:27,280
Speaker 4: whoever you're in a relationship with.

688
00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:29,800
Speaker 5: And that's really what we want people to understand.

689
00:31:30,080 --> 00:31:31,840
Speaker 4: Make a choice to choose yourself, and if you want

690
00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:34,080
Speaker 4: to be in a relationship, be of service to that person.

691
00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:37,320
Speaker 4: Don't go to that relationship thinking this person better check

692
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:40,320
Speaker 4: all these boxes that I've created for this super imaginary person.

693
00:31:40,560 --> 00:31:42,920
Speaker 4: And the first box they don't check, I'm out of here.

694
00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:44,200
Speaker 4: How can you be a.

695
00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:46,240
Speaker 5: Service to someone else in a relationship? That's what we

696
00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:46,920
Speaker 5: really want, right.

697
00:31:46,880 --> 00:31:49,360
Speaker 6: That's why the subtitle is the counter intuitive approach to

698
00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:51,880
Speaker 6: getting everything you want out of your relationship, because, like

699
00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:55,160
Speaker 6: Deva said, typically you think about getting into a relationship

700
00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:57,240
Speaker 6: and things, think about what you can gain from a person, right,

701
00:31:57,240 --> 00:31:59,600
Speaker 6: this person has to have all these things in order

702
00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:02,360
Speaker 6: for us to be relationship. Where our approach, which we've

703
00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:05,640
Speaker 6: learned over the years that makes more sense and leaves

704
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:08,160
Speaker 6: us feeling like things are reciprocated, is where we really

705
00:32:08,200 --> 00:32:10,400
Speaker 6: tap into how we can be of service. So in

706
00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:13,600
Speaker 6: the mornings, for example, I've learned to you know, wake up,

707
00:32:14,080 --> 00:32:16,480
Speaker 6: you know, think about my day, look over deval and

708
00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:18,440
Speaker 6: be like, Hey, you know, what can I do today

709
00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:20,719
Speaker 6: to make your day that much brighter? How can I

710
00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:24,120
Speaker 6: alleviate something off of your plate so that your stress

711
00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:26,600
Speaker 6: level is a little bit reduced today? And just by

712
00:32:26,640 --> 00:32:30,480
Speaker 6: doing that alone, I've realized that, Wow, like free something

713
00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:32,960
Speaker 6: up for him in turn, let him know that I

714
00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:36,479
Speaker 6: care a b makes to stay that much lighter, and

715
00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:39,360
Speaker 6: then c He's probably more inclined to say, damn, Kay

716
00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:41,360
Speaker 6: really thought about me this morning. What can I do

717
00:32:41,520 --> 00:32:42,440
Speaker 6: to reciprocate that?

718
00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:44,280
Speaker 4: Well? Can you tell him how we got there? Because

719
00:32:44,320 --> 00:32:47,160
Speaker 4: it wasn't like an epishany loving.

720
00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:49,240
Speaker 3: This is like Michelle Obama when she came out talking

721
00:32:49,280 --> 00:32:51,640
Speaker 3: about ten years. I forget if it was the first

722
00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:53,560
Speaker 3: ten years or there was a ten year period of

723
00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:56,600
Speaker 3: her in Barock's marriage. It's so important and I wonder

724
00:32:56,600 --> 00:32:59,360
Speaker 3: if this is like something to note to because I

725
00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:01,840
Speaker 3: mean black life. You know hashtag black love. There's now

726
00:33:01,840 --> 00:33:04,479
Speaker 3: a series called black Love, And have you guys been

727
00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:05,200
Speaker 3: on that? You should be on that?

728
00:33:05,760 --> 00:33:06,600
Speaker 2: See we're on that.

729
00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:07,720
Speaker 4: We want season two?

730
00:33:08,240 --> 00:33:10,440
Speaker 3: Oh amazing. Okay, I'm like the because y'all are like

731
00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:13,440
Speaker 3: the Randall and Beth in real life from just like

732
00:33:13,560 --> 00:33:15,960
Speaker 3: real life Randal and Beth, but even they had their challenges.

733
00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:19,080
Speaker 3: And I feel like it's important because yes, we need

734
00:33:19,120 --> 00:33:22,960
Speaker 3: more imagery of black love and like beautiful reciprocated relationships

735
00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:25,640
Speaker 3: and full and complete relationships. We just don't to your

736
00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:28,000
Speaker 3: point about you know, Hollywood and entertainment, we don't really

737
00:33:28,080 --> 00:33:31,640
Speaker 3: see that so often. At the same time, I don't

738
00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:33,360
Speaker 3: know if we do ourselves a disservice if we don't

739
00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:35,920
Speaker 3: also show the struggle and show the work you know

740
00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:37,680
Speaker 3: that goes into that. So it's really great that you

741
00:33:37,680 --> 00:33:40,480
Speaker 3: guys are sharing that. I'll stop now because I'm I'm

742
00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:42,120
Speaker 3: being poured into so you can continue.

743
00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:45,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm gone, How did you get? What was that?

744
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:49,160
Speaker 2: Five years in and then there was a switch, like

745
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:49,840
Speaker 2: what happened?

746
00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:53,520
Speaker 4: So there was a moment five years and this is

747
00:33:54,440 --> 00:33:59,200
Speaker 4: twenty and sixteen. Twenty sixteen, Kadeina and I had already

748
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:01,400
Speaker 4: decided that we would you know, this year was going

749
00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:02,920
Speaker 4: to be a year We're going to have another child

750
00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:06,320
Speaker 4: because we almost lost Kadeen having Jackson. She had a

751
00:34:06,320 --> 00:34:09,040
Speaker 4: cervical tear get a cervical teer. Having Jackson, she was

752
00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:11,680
Speaker 4: bleeding out. She had have emergency surgery. I had made

753
00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:13,319
Speaker 4: a promise to God. I said, you know, if you

754
00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:15,800
Speaker 4: get my wife through this, I would not have another

755
00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:18,040
Speaker 4: child and I would cherish this woman and this child

756
00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:20,320
Speaker 4: for the rest of my life. That was my promise

757
00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:21,799
Speaker 4: to God. And I was just like, I just want

758
00:34:21,840 --> 00:34:24,439
Speaker 4: my wife to be okay. And Kadeen made it through

759
00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:26,480
Speaker 4: and I was like, I don't want any more kids.

760
00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:29,160
Speaker 4: Five years later, Kadeen and I both decided like, you

761
00:34:29,160 --> 00:34:31,480
Speaker 4: know what, if you feel comfortable, let's try to have

762
00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:35,200
Speaker 4: another child. So in that moment that was That was

763
00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:38,279
Speaker 4: twenty fifteen. Actually we were trying to get pregnant and

764
00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:41,640
Speaker 4: Kadeen wasn't getting pregnant, so we had both made it

765
00:34:41,719 --> 00:34:43,360
Speaker 4: were like, hey, listen, we're getting older. We should be

766
00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:45,480
Speaker 4: in the best shape of our life. You almost die

767
00:34:45,520 --> 00:34:47,479
Speaker 4: having the first child. You have to be in better shape.

768
00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:49,640
Speaker 4: We got to work out together, we got to eat better,

769
00:34:49,680 --> 00:34:51,680
Speaker 4: we got to get more sleep. Like we had we

770
00:34:51,719 --> 00:34:54,920
Speaker 4: had pretty much said to each other these promises that

771
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:56,760
Speaker 4: we were going to do to make sure this pregnancy

772
00:34:56,920 --> 00:35:00,680
Speaker 4: was was going to be better. And coming off of

773
00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:04,760
Speaker 4: Christmas time, there was another financial issue. The American Express

774
00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:07,720
Speaker 4: Bill was going up. Me and Kadeen had an argument

775
00:35:07,719 --> 00:35:11,520
Speaker 4: about the American Express build walking to the gym the

776
00:35:11,600 --> 00:35:14,560
Speaker 4: next day. This is the right after the American Express argument,

777
00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:17,120
Speaker 4: and she was like, she's going to go work out.

778
00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:19,760
Speaker 5: I go to workout, I'm training clients, I'm doing everything.

779
00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:22,520
Speaker 4: At this point, Kadeen wasn't working full time because I

780
00:35:22,520 --> 00:35:24,480
Speaker 4: had took on all that load so that she can relax.

781
00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:26,880
Speaker 4: I'm getting ready to leave the gym. She still hadn't

782
00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:31,680
Speaker 4: worked out. I snapped. Now we've talked about snapping. I snapped.

783
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:34,120
Speaker 4: You know what the problem is, You procrastinate too much

784
00:35:34,320 --> 00:35:35,920
Speaker 4: every time I'm trying to get something done, and so

785
00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:37,440
Speaker 4: it's like I gotta wait for you and wait for

786
00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:39,320
Speaker 4: you and wait for you. I'm tired of waiting for you.

787
00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:41,920
Speaker 4: You run up the American Express bill, You're not working anymore.

788
00:35:41,960 --> 00:35:45,520
Speaker 4: It's like it was just everything was just unloading, unloading, unloading.

789
00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:47,960
Speaker 4: So now if you know my wife, my wife is

790
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:51,439
Speaker 4: a very passionate Jamaican invincention woman from Brooklyn, and she's

791
00:35:51,440 --> 00:35:53,880
Speaker 4: coming back at me. We're going back and forth, and

792
00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:56,880
Speaker 4: this is how bad and talk to you. We screaming

793
00:35:56,880 --> 00:35:58,960
Speaker 4: at each other in the gym, in my office, screaming

794
00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:00,880
Speaker 4: and cursing, screaming and curse, and I said, hell, you

795
00:36:00,880 --> 00:36:02,320
Speaker 4: know what, I think we need to get a divorce.

796
00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:04,640
Speaker 4: And she's like, are you serious? Imod like, yes, because

797
00:36:04,680 --> 00:36:07,400
Speaker 4: you're fing lazy right, this is I scream.

798
00:36:07,120 --> 00:36:07,560
Speaker 5: In my wife.

799
00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:13,800
Speaker 4: She goes, I'm not fing lazy, deval, I'm efing pregnant.

800
00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:17,560
Speaker 3: And I go, damn, you had a Trump card in

801
00:36:17,560 --> 00:36:27,000
Speaker 3: your back pocket, trash.

802
00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:25,960
Speaker 4: Why don't you? I said, why don't you believe with that?

803
00:36:26,719 --> 00:36:26,799
Speaker 6: Like?

804
00:36:27,880 --> 00:36:29,879
Speaker 3: Why does it more satisfying that way?

805
00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:36,120
Speaker 6: Clearly because we were trying for this baby, Like what

806
00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:37,479
Speaker 6: are we going to do to make it that much

807
00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:40,799
Speaker 6: more special? And then I just couldn't hold it. In

808
00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:41,560
Speaker 6: that moment, I was.

809
00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:44,680
Speaker 4: Like And in that moment, when I had egg on

810
00:36:44,719 --> 00:36:49,120
Speaker 4: my face, I realized that, you know, I claim to

811
00:36:49,160 --> 00:36:52,000
Speaker 4: be a provider and a protector because I made enough

812
00:36:52,040 --> 00:36:53,680
Speaker 4: money to make sure my wife could be at home.

813
00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:56,440
Speaker 4: If anybody got my wife face, I'm willing to do whatever.

814
00:36:56,920 --> 00:36:59,560
Speaker 4: That's what I thought my version of providing and protecting.

815
00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:02,880
Speaker 4: In that moment, I realized I wasn't providing and protecting anything.

816
00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:05,960
Speaker 4: I wasn't there emotionally, I wasn't there spiritually. How did

817
00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:08,040
Speaker 4: I not realize that my wife was going through a

818
00:37:08,080 --> 00:37:10,600
Speaker 4: physiological change that she couldn't work out because she was

819
00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:13,839
Speaker 4: having more in sickness. And I said to myself, how

820
00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:15,680
Speaker 4: am I going to be there to advocate for my

821
00:37:15,760 --> 00:37:20,520
Speaker 4: wife in the opportunity that something happens to her again

822
00:37:20,600 --> 00:37:21,800
Speaker 4: during her pregnancy.

823
00:37:21,400 --> 00:37:22,600
Speaker 5: If I'm not paying attention.

824
00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:25,520
Speaker 4: So I said to her in that moment, I said, Kadeen,

825
00:37:26,080 --> 00:37:29,239
Speaker 4: from this point on, why you're pregnant, Whatever you say,

826
00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:31,759
Speaker 4: I got you. The answer is going to be yes,

827
00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:33,400
Speaker 4: I'm going to be of service to make sure we

828
00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:35,439
Speaker 4: get through this. Because it hit me like a ton

829
00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:37,719
Speaker 4: of bricks. I have to be aware of what my

830
00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:40,000
Speaker 4: wife is going through in her entire body. I almost

831
00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:43,000
Speaker 4: lost her once and here I am only focused on

832
00:37:43,040 --> 00:37:44,840
Speaker 4: what I think I need to do as a man,

833
00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:47,319
Speaker 4: that I'm not paying attention to the person that's most

834
00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:51,799
Speaker 4: important to me. And then through that pregnancy, our relationship

835
00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:54,319
Speaker 4: change because I was so focused.

836
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:56,080
Speaker 8: On being of service, being of service, being of service

837
00:37:56,080 --> 00:37:58,719
Speaker 8: that Kadean started to reciprocate in a way that had

838
00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:01,000
Speaker 8: never happened in our relations and shit, and then the

839
00:38:01,080 --> 00:38:03,799
Speaker 8: light bulb paid me boom, why didn't I do this

840
00:38:03,840 --> 00:38:05,080
Speaker 8: one she's not pregnant.

841
00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:09,640
Speaker 4: It was, you know, let me do this, let me

842
00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:11,440
Speaker 4: do this. But then there was another shift, and this

843
00:38:11,520 --> 00:38:14,520
Speaker 4: is important. Kadeenad got so used to me being in

844
00:38:14,600 --> 00:38:17,480
Speaker 4: service because she had got pregnant and then got pregnant again,

845
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:21,080
Speaker 4: that it was always about Kadeen, about kadem about Kadema,

846
00:38:21,120 --> 00:38:25,000
Speaker 4: and ifou always saying to Kadeen, I'm fine, I got it,

847
00:38:25,040 --> 00:38:30,000
Speaker 4: and I wasn't okay. And during the pandemic December twenty twenty,

848
00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:31,919
Speaker 4: we're getting ready to go into twenty twenty one.

849
00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:34,879
Speaker 5: I looked at Kadeena and I said, you know, it's

850
00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:40,960
Speaker 5: been four years since we've had Cairo, and when you

851
00:38:41,000 --> 00:38:43,640
Speaker 5: wake up in the morning, what's your first thing you

852
00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:46,839
Speaker 5: think about. We have three kids now. She said, well,

853
00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:48,319
Speaker 5: I gotta make sure the kids get ready. I gotta

854
00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:49,440
Speaker 5: make sure I work out, I gotta make sure I

855
00:38:49,480 --> 00:38:50,840
Speaker 5: do this. I gotta make sure there's a TV.

856
00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:55,360
Speaker 4: Dad. I said, do you realize that you mentioned everybody

857
00:38:55,560 --> 00:39:00,280
Speaker 4: except me? And for the first time I was honest

858
00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:02,520
Speaker 4: with her about how that made me feel. I didn't

859
00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:05,600
Speaker 4: just sit back on it and get resentful. I didn't

860
00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:08,239
Speaker 4: do what men typically do, which is I'll eat it

861
00:39:08,320 --> 00:39:09,799
Speaker 4: I'll deal with you on my own. I'm not going

862
00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:12,040
Speaker 4: to say nothing. She better figure it out. I didn't

863
00:39:12,080 --> 00:39:14,800
Speaker 4: do that. I told her exactly how it made me feel,

864
00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:17,000
Speaker 4: and I told her what I wanted and what I needed,

865
00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:21,160
Speaker 4: and I watched her though, wow, I'm so sorry, Like,

866
00:39:21,239 --> 00:39:24,400
Speaker 4: I didn't realize that I always put you on the

867
00:39:24,440 --> 00:39:28,560
Speaker 4: back burner because you always say you're okay. And I

868
00:39:28,719 --> 00:39:32,040
Speaker 4: realized when I told her, like, how could I expect

869
00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:35,640
Speaker 4: her to know that if I always say I'm fine,

870
00:39:35,760 --> 00:39:39,080
Speaker 4: I'm good when I'm not. And in that moment, our

871
00:39:39,120 --> 00:39:42,560
Speaker 4: relationship changed again. It went from me servicing her to

872
00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:45,120
Speaker 4: us always serving each other. And I got to be honest.

873
00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:47,600
Speaker 4: There was a meme that I saw yesterday and it

874
00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:49,920
Speaker 4: was a woman who said, when's the last time? It

875
00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:51,279
Speaker 4: was like a bunch of this, when's the last time

876
00:39:51,320 --> 00:39:53,760
Speaker 4: you said to your man, I'm proud of you, baby,

877
00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:57,440
Speaker 4: I love you baby, thank you baby? Are you hungry? Baby?

878
00:39:57,680 --> 00:39:59,160
Speaker 4: And I looked at all these things and I say,

879
00:39:59,400 --> 00:40:01,839
Speaker 4: you know, my says those things to me a lot,

880
00:40:02,719 --> 00:40:05,440
Speaker 4: but it wasn't happening until I told her I it

881
00:40:05,560 --> 00:40:08,399
Speaker 4: made me feel And then she realized what I need

882
00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:09,960
Speaker 4: because I told her what I need. And I think

883
00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:11,880
Speaker 4: that's when our relationship changed.

884
00:40:11,880 --> 00:40:14,320
Speaker 6: Yeah, for sure, because I just expected him to understand.

885
00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:15,880
Speaker 6: You know, I'm like, I'm an adult, you're an adult.

886
00:40:15,920 --> 00:40:18,800
Speaker 6: We have two point five three kids at this time.

887
00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:21,239
Speaker 6: You know, we're another one to play. So I'm just

888
00:40:21,239 --> 00:40:23,040
Speaker 6: just like, yo, we're all we're in the mud, like

889
00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:25,400
Speaker 6: you know, do you and I? And I just expected

890
00:40:25,440 --> 00:40:27,719
Speaker 6: the vow to just be okay because he always said

891
00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:30,719
Speaker 6: he was okay. And now I'm literally looking this man

892
00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:33,240
Speaker 6: in his eyes, like, especially after his episode in November,

893
00:40:33,239 --> 00:40:36,360
Speaker 6: I'm like, again, you're saying you're okay, and you're not okay.

894
00:40:37,360 --> 00:40:40,000
Speaker 6: So we practiced that a lot more now, and I

895
00:40:40,000 --> 00:40:43,000
Speaker 6: can see how this has been a big shift in

896
00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:45,640
Speaker 6: our dynamic and our relationship, even as recently as like

897
00:40:45,719 --> 00:40:48,120
Speaker 6: the past three four months, you know, because I had

898
00:40:48,160 --> 00:40:50,839
Speaker 6: Dakod to our last son the year before that. So

899
00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:57,399
Speaker 6: back into the thick of being pregnant.

900
00:40:56,920 --> 00:40:59,080
Speaker 3: And especially when you have a partner who is quite

901
00:40:59,080 --> 00:41:02,080
Speaker 3: independent and how their own thing going on, you sometimes

902
00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:04,920
Speaker 3: can feel like, wait, we're parallel, Like we're in you

903
00:41:04,960 --> 00:41:06,759
Speaker 3: said the mud, we're in the mud together, but like

904
00:41:07,120 --> 00:41:08,920
Speaker 3: this is your mud lane and this is my mud

905
00:41:09,040 --> 00:41:11,560
Speaker 3: lane and it's like did you survive today? Yeap, did

906
00:41:11,560 --> 00:41:15,720
Speaker 3: you survive? Yeah, good night, and like the team huddle,

907
00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:18,719
Speaker 3: like that connection the bridge and the mud. That's what

908
00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:22,200
Speaker 3: we're working on, I think, because I mean not that

909
00:41:22,239 --> 00:41:24,319
Speaker 3: it's bad, but it's just like what we need right now,

910
00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:26,759
Speaker 3: I feel like, is just to do what we can

911
00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:31,399
Speaker 3: to just own what we have going on. And I think, yeah,

912
00:41:31,480 --> 00:41:34,880
Speaker 3: I'm hoping that we could have a similar moment like

913
00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:39,560
Speaker 3: that because to it matters, you know, it matters to

914
00:41:39,560 --> 00:41:41,720
Speaker 3: have that time and to look into another person's eyes

915
00:41:42,280 --> 00:41:44,280
Speaker 3: even if they are strong, and we are the strongest

916
00:41:44,280 --> 00:41:48,120
Speaker 3: of the strong, right and remind them that them.

917
00:41:49,480 --> 00:41:54,600
Speaker 4: You are pregnant. Right, Kadean was pregnant. Kadeen was pregnant

918
00:41:54,800 --> 00:41:57,759
Speaker 4: last year. Kadean didn't want to be nowhere near me

919
00:41:58,080 --> 00:42:01,680
Speaker 4: or anybody in this house. Like what women have to understand?

920
00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:04,839
Speaker 4: What women have to understand that like your body goes

921
00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:07,880
Speaker 4: through physiological changes and you're not going to feel like yourself.

922
00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:11,360
Speaker 4: And I wish there were more more educational resources for

923
00:42:11,440 --> 00:42:14,279
Speaker 4: both men and women how to deal with pregnancy. Right

924
00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:18,160
Speaker 4: because and this is Kadeena and I who just wrote

925
00:42:18,200 --> 00:42:21,080
Speaker 4: a book New York Times bestsellers. They must communicate great.

926
00:42:21,520 --> 00:42:23,319
Speaker 4: While she was pregnant, I used to be like, yo,

927
00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:26,080
Speaker 4: I have not You haven't hugged me or kissed me

928
00:42:26,160 --> 00:42:27,960
Speaker 4: in three days. Do you realize you've been in that

929
00:42:28,040 --> 00:42:31,160
Speaker 4: bedroom by yourself. And She's just like, I know, I

930
00:42:31,239 --> 00:42:33,600
Speaker 4: just I just don't feel like being around people. But

931
00:42:33,640 --> 00:42:36,400
Speaker 4: I miss you, and I'm just like I did it, babe,

932
00:42:36,600 --> 00:42:38,279
Speaker 4: And I understand where you're coming from, and I'm just

933
00:42:38,360 --> 00:42:41,360
Speaker 4: letting you know how it's making me feel.

934
00:42:41,520 --> 00:42:44,920
Speaker 5: But that was twenty years in the making getting to

935
00:42:44,920 --> 00:42:45,319
Speaker 5: that point.

936
00:42:45,360 --> 00:42:48,440
Speaker 4: When she had those moments before, of course I felt bad,

937
00:42:48,480 --> 00:42:50,200
Speaker 4: but I didn't know what to say. I didn't know

938
00:42:50,239 --> 00:42:53,200
Speaker 4: how to articulate it. So give yourself grace and give

939
00:42:53,239 --> 00:42:56,480
Speaker 4: your husband grace and not knowing and understanding it's only

940
00:42:56,520 --> 00:42:58,680
Speaker 4: been ten years. And I know to people it's south crazy.

941
00:42:58,760 --> 00:43:00,640
Speaker 4: It's only been ten years. It should each other by

942
00:43:00,680 --> 00:43:05,120
Speaker 4: ten years. No, like we take time to constantly, you know,

943
00:43:05,320 --> 00:43:08,160
Speaker 4: readjust yourself to see what your partner is going through.

944
00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:10,440
Speaker 4: It takes time. And there's never a point in a

945
00:43:10,480 --> 00:43:12,120
Speaker 4: marriage because I can tell you right now, as great

946
00:43:12,120 --> 00:43:14,759
Speaker 4: as we think our marriage is now, five years from now,

947
00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:17,120
Speaker 4: when it gets even better, We're going to talk about

948
00:43:17,160 --> 00:43:19,360
Speaker 4: this time and say, can you believe that's how we

949
00:43:19,440 --> 00:43:22,640
Speaker 4: communicate it then, like it's just that it's an ongoing

950
00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:25,359
Speaker 4: conversation of trying to be better for each other. So

951
00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:28,400
Speaker 4: give yourself grace and understand this. Whenever we do a

952
00:43:28,480 --> 00:43:32,719
Speaker 4: live shows, I talk about pregnancy for women and postpartum

953
00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:36,640
Speaker 4: pregnancy because this is the truth. The most disciplined human

954
00:43:36,680 --> 00:43:39,120
Speaker 4: beings in the world, and all of the armed forces,

955
00:43:39,160 --> 00:43:42,759
Speaker 4: the Navy, Seals, the Army rangers, the Marine Corps, you

956
00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:46,200
Speaker 4: know what, they train the hardest to deal with sleep deprivation.

957
00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:51,520
Speaker 4: Can you imagine that the most disciplined people in the

958
00:43:51,560 --> 00:43:54,239
Speaker 4: world have to train to deal with sleep deprivation? But

959
00:43:54,320 --> 00:43:57,759
Speaker 4: we expect mothers and expecting mothers to know how to

960
00:43:57,800 --> 00:44:00,719
Speaker 4: deal with this in real time with no train and

961
00:44:00,880 --> 00:44:04,120
Speaker 4: balance being a new mom and a wife or a

962
00:44:04,160 --> 00:44:09,080
Speaker 4: girlfriend and a career and a house. It's damn there impossible.

963
00:44:09,640 --> 00:44:12,520
Speaker 4: So you have to give yourself grace. And I think

964
00:44:12,560 --> 00:44:15,280
Speaker 4: more men should be educated on giving women grace because

965
00:44:15,360 --> 00:44:19,280
Speaker 4: I was the same imbecule that told my wife six months,

966
00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:22,279
Speaker 4: six weeks after having our first child, you acting like

967
00:44:22,280 --> 00:44:28,719
Speaker 4: you the first first woman to have baby, breastfeed the

968
00:44:28,800 --> 00:44:29,360
Speaker 4: three babies.

969
00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:31,479
Speaker 2: You're still a lot of time.

970
00:44:33,239 --> 00:44:34,760
Speaker 4: This is this is why we tell.

971
00:44:34,640 --> 00:44:37,239
Speaker 3: You you're still just a real man inside. Okay, got it,

972
00:44:36,760 --> 00:44:39,759
Speaker 3: got just a regular regular man.

973
00:44:40,920 --> 00:44:43,920
Speaker 5: I'm a regular degular man who doesn't know and understand.

974
00:44:44,040 --> 00:44:46,840
Speaker 4: Like that's why I like telling the stories because it

975
00:44:46,880 --> 00:44:49,000
Speaker 4: took me four pregnancies to be like, you know, I

976
00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:50,080
Speaker 4: wish I was a better part.

977
00:44:50,160 --> 00:44:52,319
Speaker 3: And it's probably because mothers do the same thing as

978
00:44:52,360 --> 00:44:54,320
Speaker 3: like we're super people. We don't want to admit that

979
00:44:54,360 --> 00:44:57,399
Speaker 3: we're hurting. We don't tell that story. It's become really

980
00:44:57,440 --> 00:44:59,719
Speaker 3: hard for it. It's hard when and it's also hard

981
00:44:59,719 --> 00:45:02,359
Speaker 3: to see your partner who you know, we met when

982
00:45:02,360 --> 00:45:04,200
Speaker 3: I was twenty five. He was in his mid twenties

983
00:45:04,239 --> 00:45:08,799
Speaker 3: two change. And I'm not physically the person I was

984
00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:11,720
Speaker 3: even a year ago. I can't keep up when we're walking,

985
00:45:11,760 --> 00:45:16,319
Speaker 3: I'm like, you know, and I, you know, running around

986
00:45:16,360 --> 00:45:18,440
Speaker 3: after a toddler and all that. But it's it's I

987
00:45:18,480 --> 00:45:21,600
Speaker 3: can see him being like, Okay, she's different now and

988
00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:24,080
Speaker 3: almost a little bit like fearful or anxious, like is

989
00:45:24,120 --> 00:45:27,560
Speaker 3: this going to be forever? You know this? And and

990
00:45:27,600 --> 00:45:30,440
Speaker 3: I feel like yeah, but that really resonates with me,

991
00:45:30,480 --> 00:45:32,759
Speaker 3: and I hope he gets there too.

992
00:45:33,080 --> 00:45:35,760
Speaker 1: And I used to practice was what we call radical transparency,

993
00:45:36,040 --> 00:45:39,239
Speaker 1: that if it comes up, it comes out yep, yo, no,

994
00:45:39,520 --> 00:45:42,440
Speaker 1: because I just I was I was a terrible communicator

995
00:45:43,000 --> 00:45:46,200
Speaker 1: and like he just was always like he was really

996
00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:48,279
Speaker 1: good at saying how he felt, but he was also

997
00:45:48,280 --> 00:45:49,880
Speaker 1: some of the hoods. So sometimes I'm like, not with

998
00:45:49,920 --> 00:45:54,160
Speaker 1: that tone, sir girl, this is this is not three B.

999
00:45:54,320 --> 00:45:57,120
Speaker 2: In the projects, like what you know. I'm like, oh

1000
00:45:57,200 --> 00:46:03,000
Speaker 2: my god.

1001
00:46:00,239 --> 00:46:01,640
Speaker 6: That radical transparency.

1002
00:46:01,719 --> 00:46:02,080
Speaker 4: Yes.

1003
00:46:02,200 --> 00:46:05,120
Speaker 1: So it was like, if it comes up, it comes out, yes,

1004
00:46:06,000 --> 00:46:06,640
Speaker 1: just rest.

1005
00:46:07,400 --> 00:46:08,280
Speaker 2: But I learned.

1006
00:46:08,560 --> 00:46:10,440
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm so much better at it now that

1007
00:46:10,480 --> 00:46:12,600
Speaker 1: if something is wrong, because I was the queen of

1008
00:46:12,760 --> 00:46:15,160
Speaker 1: holding it and then three months later because that times

1009
00:46:15,239 --> 00:46:17,720
Speaker 1: like from three months ago, why did you say something?

1010
00:46:17,760 --> 00:46:18,720
Speaker 2: And then you build it.

1011
00:46:18,719 --> 00:46:21,719
Speaker 1: It's like you're dragging it around, is gathering dust and

1012
00:46:21,800 --> 00:46:23,799
Speaker 1: dirt and debris, and then you throw it in their

1013
00:46:23,800 --> 00:46:25,640
Speaker 1: face and you're like you should have known. It's like,

1014
00:46:25,680 --> 00:46:28,439
Speaker 1: how could I have known that? You know, how could

1015
00:46:28,440 --> 00:46:32,960
Speaker 1: I have known that? And so now with everyone therapy

1016
00:46:32,960 --> 00:46:37,359
Speaker 1: has helped tremendously. I practiced radical transparency, which is if

1017
00:46:37,360 --> 00:46:39,560
Speaker 1: it comes up. You know, I would say ninety percent

1018
00:46:39,600 --> 00:46:41,560
Speaker 1: of the time it comes out, because if that's the

1019
00:46:41,680 --> 00:46:44,160
Speaker 1: lightest time you'll ever have, Like, hey.

1020
00:46:44,120 --> 00:46:45,480
Speaker 2: Babe, you know when you said that thing that actually

1021
00:46:45,520 --> 00:46:46,280
Speaker 2: hurt my feelings?

1022
00:46:46,560 --> 00:46:49,040
Speaker 1: Yep, you know, like or you know, I don't like

1023
00:46:49,080 --> 00:46:51,560
Speaker 1: when you say that when my friends are around, you know,

1024
00:46:51,680 --> 00:46:55,520
Speaker 1: and learning to like receive it without the initial because

1025
00:46:55,520 --> 00:46:57,400
Speaker 1: I'm very defensive. I have four sisters, so you know,

1026
00:46:57,440 --> 00:47:00,440
Speaker 1: we could scrap. I'm like, first of all, girl, you know,

1027
00:47:00,480 --> 00:47:03,600
Speaker 1: So I learned to be like receive it because what

1028
00:47:03,640 --> 00:47:06,120
Speaker 1: I'm really feeling is not it's not really anger, it's

1029
00:47:06,120 --> 00:47:09,320
Speaker 1: shame because I know I'm wrong. Instead of fighting toward that,

1030
00:47:09,400 --> 00:47:12,840
Speaker 1: it's like, okay, I could see that, okay, and I.

1031
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:16,480
Speaker 3: Get I get the I call it the post socialization debrief.

1032
00:47:16,920 --> 00:47:19,600
Speaker 3: I'm the chatty one in the relationship, so I i

1033
00:47:19,680 --> 00:47:21,160
Speaker 3: he can he get the way with a lot because

1034
00:47:21,160 --> 00:47:23,480
Speaker 3: he doesn't say that much, so I can get myself

1035
00:47:23,520 --> 00:47:25,720
Speaker 3: in trouble. And then after we hang out with other people,

1036
00:47:25,800 --> 00:47:27,400
Speaker 3: I'll get in the car and you get in the

1037
00:47:27,400 --> 00:47:28,680
Speaker 3: car and you have that moment and I'm just like,

1038
00:47:29,440 --> 00:47:30,560
Speaker 3: what did I say that?

1039
00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:33,759
Speaker 2: You know, feelings.

1040
00:47:36,440 --> 00:47:39,399
Speaker 3: Tell me, and he's like, good, I was so defensive, yes,

1041
00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:41,360
Speaker 3: but now I've just gotten better saying I really didn't

1042
00:47:41,400 --> 00:47:43,640
Speaker 3: mean to and it's just I'm like, damn it, why

1043
00:47:43,680 --> 00:47:45,080
Speaker 3: can't Why do I do this?

1044
00:47:45,239 --> 00:47:45,400
Speaker 6: You know?

1045
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:48,359
Speaker 3: But you know I don't want to be that way,

1046
00:47:48,440 --> 00:47:50,960
Speaker 3: but it's yeah, but it's it's definitely helps to get

1047
00:47:51,000 --> 00:47:54,279
Speaker 3: over things. And I will say that's growth for us too,

1048
00:47:54,280 --> 00:47:56,520
Speaker 3: that he's even communicating that kind of stuff.

1049
00:47:56,280 --> 00:47:58,000
Speaker 1: And creating a safe space that people can tell you

1050
00:47:58,080 --> 00:48:00,759
Speaker 1: about yourself, you know, and even maybe in the moment,

1051
00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:02,359
Speaker 1: like me and Gero after a walk came up with

1052
00:48:02,400 --> 00:48:05,000
Speaker 1: like signals if I was doing too much, you know,

1053
00:48:05,320 --> 00:48:12,680
Speaker 1: he would just be like like, oh my business, thank you.

1054
00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:15,440
Speaker 2: It's like and wrapping it up.

1055
00:48:15,840 --> 00:48:19,319
Speaker 1: So so you know that way because sometimes you know,

1056
00:48:19,440 --> 00:48:22,839
Speaker 1: you don't realize and I'm like, oh okay, you know,

1057
00:48:23,040 --> 00:48:25,600
Speaker 1: And so like creating these kind of like tools. We

1058
00:48:25,640 --> 00:48:27,680
Speaker 1: had like a safe word when we were if we

1059
00:48:27,680 --> 00:48:29,319
Speaker 1: were going to be in an argument when it went

1060
00:48:29,360 --> 00:48:31,360
Speaker 1: from helpful to hurtful, because you know, you've be like

1061
00:48:31,360 --> 00:48:35,680
Speaker 1: ooh child, let me care upt. And so our safe

1062
00:48:35,680 --> 00:48:38,480
Speaker 1: word was pineapples. So it'd be like and another thing

1063
00:48:38,520 --> 00:48:41,080
Speaker 1: he'd be like pineapples. I'm like, I'm sorry what the

1064
00:48:41,160 --> 00:48:45,000
Speaker 1: rule of pineapples is? Like all speaking ceases. You go

1065
00:48:45,000 --> 00:48:46,160
Speaker 1: to your corner, I go to mind, you go to

1066
00:48:46,200 --> 00:48:48,480
Speaker 1: the man cave, I go see it wherever. And it's

1067
00:48:48,520 --> 00:48:52,400
Speaker 1: like you said, what now pine natles.

1068
00:48:51,640 --> 00:48:52,040
Speaker 4: Which.

1069
00:48:53,640 --> 00:48:58,840
Speaker 1: Like yes, yes, but it gave me a moment to

1070
00:48:58,880 --> 00:49:01,200
Speaker 1: relax and Lucans, you were about to say something really

1071
00:49:01,280 --> 00:49:04,520
Speaker 1: hurtful Tiffany to your teammate, y'all got the same jersey on.

1072
00:49:05,239 --> 00:49:06,480
Speaker 2: If he lose, I lose.

1073
00:49:07,040 --> 00:49:09,480
Speaker 1: And so pineapples was like a saving grace to the

1074
00:49:09,520 --> 00:49:12,200
Speaker 1: point where we got so good at it we were

1075
00:49:12,239 --> 00:49:13,759
Speaker 1: internally pineapples.

1076
00:49:13,239 --> 00:49:15,720
Speaker 2: Ourselves because I'd be like in my head, I'd.

1077
00:49:15,560 --> 00:49:18,919
Speaker 1: Be like Tiffany, pineapples to myself, pineapples, girl, you about

1078
00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:21,040
Speaker 1: to take it too far. And so but these are

1079
00:49:21,040 --> 00:49:23,480
Speaker 1: the things like like over time, you know that, like

1080
00:49:23,560 --> 00:49:26,840
Speaker 1: you just practice and you work on if you're wanting

1081
00:49:26,920 --> 00:49:29,200
Speaker 1: to go from like an okay marriage so good, yes,

1082
00:49:29,320 --> 00:49:32,319
Speaker 1: so great and exceptional you know every year, I mean

1083
00:49:32,920 --> 00:49:34,480
Speaker 1: to your point, like the first five years for us

1084
00:49:34,640 --> 00:49:36,960
Speaker 1: was like oof dating. It was a hot mess, and

1085
00:49:37,000 --> 00:49:39,239
Speaker 1: then we got better and better, and once we got

1086
00:49:39,280 --> 00:49:42,120
Speaker 1: really good at communicating. It was like we had like

1087
00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:44,759
Speaker 1: such an awesome and even still he was still here,

1088
00:49:44,760 --> 00:49:46,759
Speaker 1: we were still growing. I was still like, oh this,

1089
00:49:46,840 --> 00:49:48,960
Speaker 1: I could do this even better because.

1090
00:49:48,760 --> 00:49:49,600
Speaker 2: I work so much.

1091
00:49:49,760 --> 00:49:51,160
Speaker 1: He is really the type to be like when I

1092
00:49:51,160 --> 00:49:52,520
Speaker 1: come home, I would love for my wife to be

1093
00:49:52,560 --> 00:49:54,840
Speaker 1: home and be like Daddy's home, you know, just a

1094
00:49:54,960 --> 00:49:58,040
Speaker 1: pause for a moment, cause I'd be like, okay, food's difference.

1095
00:49:58,920 --> 00:49:59,880
Speaker 2: I didn't realize how much it me.

1096
00:50:00,160 --> 00:50:03,319
Speaker 1: Him for me to pause, yeah and just come and

1097
00:50:03,440 --> 00:50:05,840
Speaker 1: greet him and how is your day? Twenty thirty minutes

1098
00:50:05,840 --> 00:50:08,360
Speaker 1: and I can get back to whatever. So like, learning

1099
00:50:08,400 --> 00:50:11,040
Speaker 1: those little nuances made all this. It's like there was

1100
00:50:11,080 --> 00:50:13,359
Speaker 1: nothing he wouldn't do because I made those you know,

1101
00:50:13,719 --> 00:50:17,080
Speaker 1: those those spaces for him and so and the thing, it.

1102
00:50:17,800 --> 00:50:21,719
Speaker 4: Sounds clichative, but it's true, right, Like one thing we

1103
00:50:21,800 --> 00:50:24,000
Speaker 4: talk about in the book is you have to stop

1104
00:50:24,040 --> 00:50:27,319
Speaker 4: comparing yourself to other people's relationships, because the minute you

1105
00:50:27,360 --> 00:50:30,120
Speaker 4: try to tell and make your relationship to other people's expectations,

1106
00:50:30,160 --> 00:50:33,640
Speaker 4: you're gonna fail. Like you can't be the greatest version

1107
00:50:33,719 --> 00:50:37,279
Speaker 4: of somebody else. They're already being the greatest version of themselves.

1108
00:50:37,440 --> 00:50:39,880
Speaker 4: And what works for you may not work for other people,

1109
00:50:40,000 --> 00:50:42,880
Speaker 4: So seeking validation from other people about what you should

1110
00:50:42,920 --> 00:50:46,040
Speaker 4: do and your relationship is also a recipe for failure.

1111
00:50:46,320 --> 00:50:49,439
Speaker 4: For example, Kadeen and I have been on social media

1112
00:50:49,480 --> 00:50:52,440
Speaker 4: and also on television talking about our life. Right of course,

1113
00:50:52,480 --> 00:50:54,839
Speaker 4: people have commentary I would never put up with that,

1114
00:50:54,840 --> 00:50:56,560
Speaker 4: I would never do this, I would never do that.

1115
00:50:56,880 --> 00:50:59,960
Speaker 4: Most people get defensive and be like, I'm just sharing,

1116
00:51:00,120 --> 00:51:02,960
Speaker 4: how could you have these opinions about my marriage. I

1117
00:51:03,000 --> 00:51:06,680
Speaker 4: don't get offended about opinions about our marriage because people

1118
00:51:06,680 --> 00:51:09,279
Speaker 4: are entitled to have their opinions about what we do.

1119
00:51:09,640 --> 00:51:12,720
Speaker 4: But if it works for us, I'm not concerned about

1120
00:51:12,719 --> 00:51:16,360
Speaker 4: Taylor making my marriage to other people's opinions. For example,

1121
00:51:16,520 --> 00:51:19,239
Speaker 4: Tiffany just said she wants us Her husband wanted her

1122
00:51:19,280 --> 00:51:21,239
Speaker 4: to be like, hey, daddy's home. You know how many

1123
00:51:21,239 --> 00:51:22,560
Speaker 4: women would have been like, I ain't never calling a

1124
00:51:22,640 --> 00:51:24,799
Speaker 4: man daddy. No no, no, no, no no no, you don't have

1125
00:51:24,880 --> 00:51:27,279
Speaker 4: to that's not your husband. I want to call on

1126
00:51:27,320 --> 00:51:30,160
Speaker 4: my husband daddy. That's what it is. It's the same

1127
00:51:30,160 --> 00:51:33,160
Speaker 4: thing for me. I talk about traveling. Kate wants to travel.

1128
00:51:33,200 --> 00:51:35,560
Speaker 4: We talked about our sex life. She loves to travel.

1129
00:51:35,560 --> 00:51:37,000
Speaker 4: We have better sex with we travel. You know how

1130
00:51:37,040 --> 00:51:39,080
Speaker 4: many guys like I ain't buying no plane ticket just

1131
00:51:39,120 --> 00:51:40,560
Speaker 4: to have sex with a woman who wants to be

1132
00:51:40,600 --> 00:51:44,560
Speaker 4: with her, don't you don't? Exactly, you don't have to.

1133
00:51:44,680 --> 00:51:46,520
Speaker 4: I'm not asking you to do that for your girl.

1134
00:51:46,640 --> 00:51:48,120
Speaker 6: I'm telling you what works for us.

1135
00:51:53,120 --> 00:51:55,759
Speaker 4: For us, it's like, we do what works for us.

1136
00:51:55,880 --> 00:51:58,879
Speaker 4: We're unapologetic about it. I have got some backglass because

1137
00:51:58,920 --> 00:52:00,799
Speaker 4: I said, listen, when I come home at night, I

1138
00:52:00,840 --> 00:52:03,040
Speaker 4: want my wife to some poom poom shorts and a

1139
00:52:03,400 --> 00:52:05,920
Speaker 4: crop top, and I want my food made so that

1140
00:52:05,960 --> 00:52:07,879
Speaker 4: I can be the best parader I can be. Of course,

1141
00:52:07,920 --> 00:52:09,600
Speaker 4: women will be like this, ain't the fifties. D da

1142
00:52:09,680 --> 00:52:12,040
Speaker 4: da da. I'm not telling you that you have to

1143
00:52:12,080 --> 00:52:15,359
Speaker 4: do that for your man. What I'm saying is this

1144
00:52:15,440 --> 00:52:18,120
Speaker 4: is what we work for us. She enjoys dressing up.

1145
00:52:18,520 --> 00:52:21,759
Speaker 4: I enjoy looking at it. I enjoyed on her. All

1146
00:52:21,800 --> 00:52:24,480
Speaker 4: the stuff y'all saying y'all would never do is not

1147
00:52:24,520 --> 00:52:26,480
Speaker 4: going to change the fact that we do this for

1148
00:52:26,600 --> 00:52:29,719
Speaker 4: each other. So when we talk about that in the book,

1149
00:52:29,760 --> 00:52:33,440
Speaker 4: it's like, stop the whole couple's goals. People ask me

1150
00:52:33,480 --> 00:52:36,239
Speaker 4: all the time, who is your favorite couple goal of millennials,

1151
00:52:36,239 --> 00:52:38,600
Speaker 4: I don't have one. I want to be the best

1152
00:52:38,719 --> 00:52:42,000
Speaker 4: version of the Violentkadeen. I could be like I don't

1153
00:52:42,040 --> 00:52:45,040
Speaker 4: look at anybody in this generation or even before and

1154
00:52:45,080 --> 00:52:48,360
Speaker 4: say I aspire because I don't want to fall short.

1155
00:52:48,840 --> 00:52:51,440
Speaker 4: Like there are certain things, for example, Barack may do

1156
00:52:51,520 --> 00:52:54,279
Speaker 4: for Michelle, and I know this for example, I know

1157
00:52:54,360 --> 00:52:56,800
Speaker 4: this for a fact. When we first got married, I

1158
00:52:56,880 --> 00:52:59,680
Speaker 4: used to look at couples and be like that he

1159
00:52:59,760 --> 00:53:02,279
Speaker 4: do that for his wife, and she gets excited about it.

1160
00:53:02,800 --> 00:53:04,920
Speaker 4: So I'm gonna do it for my life. And I

1161
00:53:04,920 --> 00:53:07,040
Speaker 4: would do it and can even just be looking at me.

1162
00:53:08,800 --> 00:53:10,880
Speaker 4: I'm like, you know what your problem is. You weren't grateful,

1163
00:53:12,640 --> 00:53:14,120
Speaker 4: and they was excited, and she was just like, I

1164
00:53:14,120 --> 00:53:17,000
Speaker 4: didn't ask you to do none of this, and I

1165
00:53:17,080 --> 00:53:18,560
Speaker 4: was just like, what you mean to ask? I was

1166
00:53:18,600 --> 00:53:20,920
Speaker 4: being thoughtful when I did it. And then I realized, like,

1167
00:53:21,560 --> 00:53:24,160
Speaker 4: why am I Why am I going outward to find

1168
00:53:24,239 --> 00:53:26,760
Speaker 4: out what my wife wants? And why am I getting

1169
00:53:26,840 --> 00:53:30,360
Speaker 4: offended because my wife doesn't want what another woman wants?

1170
00:53:30,360 --> 00:53:32,880
Speaker 4: Why do I just ask my wife what she wants

1171
00:53:33,239 --> 00:53:35,200
Speaker 4: and do my best to provide it. The more I

1172
00:53:35,239 --> 00:53:38,560
Speaker 4: started to look inward and right here and be like, baby,

1173
00:53:38,600 --> 00:53:40,520
Speaker 4: what you need, what you need, what you want. The

1174
00:53:40,719 --> 00:53:44,520
Speaker 4: easier it became, as opposed to guessing by looking at

1175
00:53:44,560 --> 00:53:47,920
Speaker 4: other people. So I just want people when they read

1176
00:53:47,920 --> 00:53:50,640
Speaker 4: the book and when they think about relationships, stop thinking

1177
00:53:50,680 --> 00:53:54,680
Speaker 4: about everybody else. Focus here, Just focus here on what

1178
00:53:54,760 --> 00:53:57,240
Speaker 4: you got and do your best to be that version

1179
00:53:57,280 --> 00:54:00,520
Speaker 4: for that person, because that's the person you chose. Well.

1180
00:54:00,560 --> 00:54:02,920
Speaker 1: On that note, we really want to thank Kadeen and

1181
00:54:03,000 --> 00:54:05,320
Speaker 1: daval Ellis for coming on the show.

1182
00:54:05,600 --> 00:54:06,480
Speaker 2: If you do not have it.

1183
00:54:06,440 --> 00:54:10,839
Speaker 1: Already, we over me the counter intuitive approach to getting

1184
00:54:10,880 --> 00:54:13,520
Speaker 1: everything you want from your relationship. It is a New

1185
00:54:13,560 --> 00:54:18,879
Speaker 1: York Times bestseller, which is rare, rare.

1186
00:54:18,960 --> 00:54:20,360
Speaker 2: Don't especially black.

1187
00:54:20,160 --> 00:54:22,680
Speaker 1: People on to cover look at this black I wouldn't say,

1188
00:54:22,880 --> 00:54:23,919
Speaker 1: I would say more peanut butter.

1189
00:54:24,040 --> 00:54:28,959
Speaker 6: Con that means they have to get traveled soon.

1190
00:54:30,239 --> 00:54:34,960
Speaker 1: Listen, So where can they if they want to purchase

1191
00:54:34,960 --> 00:54:36,960
Speaker 1: this book? Where can they purchase it? And then where

1192
00:54:36,960 --> 00:54:38,880
Speaker 1: can they find y'all to continue the conversation?

1193
00:54:39,400 --> 00:54:39,799
Speaker 4: For sure?

1194
00:54:39,840 --> 00:54:41,560
Speaker 6: Well, the best place to get the book, we realized

1195
00:54:41,560 --> 00:54:44,759
Speaker 6: so far has been bookshop dot org because is a

1196
00:54:44,800 --> 00:54:48,239
Speaker 6: great way to support a local bookstore independent stores in

1197
00:54:48,280 --> 00:54:51,800
Speaker 6: your areas, so bookshop dot Org, Amazon, of course, Barns

1198
00:54:51,800 --> 00:54:54,680
Speaker 6: and Nobles. Wherever you get your books, you can find me.

1199
00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:57,960
Speaker 6: I'm Kadeen. I am on Instagram and I just started

1200
00:54:58,000 --> 00:55:01,360
Speaker 6: tak talking my big age y'all with me trying to

1201
00:55:01,360 --> 00:55:05,080
Speaker 6: figure it out, and then our podcast page dead. Ask

1202
00:55:05,719 --> 00:55:07,120
Speaker 6: the podcast on Instagram.

1203
00:55:07,280 --> 00:55:09,719
Speaker 4: Listen, I am devout and I'm used to doing this

1204
00:55:09,760 --> 00:55:11,760
Speaker 4: for the podcast. If you're listening on Apple Music.

1205
00:55:15,080 --> 00:55:18,680
Speaker 6: Channel too. Now you can subscribe to Patreon for more

1206
00:55:18,719 --> 00:55:19,879
Speaker 6: long content from us.

1207
00:55:19,960 --> 00:55:23,799
Speaker 3: So okay, sharing.

1208
00:55:25,160 --> 00:55:26,000
Speaker 4: A dope conversation.

1209
00:55:26,560 --> 00:55:28,520
Speaker 6: Conversation all day, always good time.

1210
00:55:28,719 --> 00:55:31,200
Speaker 4: And if we miss you, yo, mate, you used to

1211
00:55:31,239 --> 00:55:32,319
Speaker 4: be on the show all the time.

1212
00:55:34,920 --> 00:55:36,320
Speaker 3: Not that bunch of lady again.

1213
00:55:38,360 --> 00:55:40,880
Speaker 5: You know you've always been one of our highest rated

1214
00:55:41,360 --> 00:55:42,160
Speaker 5: at the shows.

1215
00:55:42,200 --> 00:55:44,560
Speaker 4: Every every time you're on, people be like I got

1216
00:55:44,640 --> 00:55:48,200
Speaker 4: because you always drop so many gems and like people,

1217
00:55:48,320 --> 00:55:51,480
Speaker 4: especially black and brown people, need to understand how important

1218
00:55:51,560 --> 00:55:53,000
Speaker 4: financial security is.

1219
00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:54,840
Speaker 5: And how they can gain access to it.

1220
00:55:55,000 --> 00:55:56,800
Speaker 4: Like people just think I got to be an athlete

1221
00:55:56,800 --> 00:55:59,120
Speaker 4: and entertainer to make money and build wealth. No, you

1222
00:55:59,239 --> 00:56:02,560
Speaker 4: don't know, you don't typically has dropped so many gems

1223
00:56:02,560 --> 00:56:05,040
Speaker 4: on us that we've applied to our life and been like, oh, ship,

1224
00:56:05,120 --> 00:56:09,399
Speaker 4: you see that work. And I'm telling you, Tiffany, what

1225
00:56:09,440 --> 00:56:12,640
Speaker 4: you do is amazing. We appreciate you. Mandy, it's good

1226
00:56:12,680 --> 00:56:14,080
Speaker 4: to get to know you. I'm pretty sure we can

1227
00:56:14,120 --> 00:56:17,799
Speaker 4: build our relationship and congratulations to you. I can tell

1228
00:56:17,800 --> 00:56:21,160
Speaker 4: you that you're an amazing woman and you want to

1229
00:56:21,200 --> 00:56:23,920
Speaker 4: be an even more amazing woman for your family and

1230
00:56:24,040 --> 00:56:27,040
Speaker 4: especially your husband, so keep working at it and hopefully

1231
00:56:27,040 --> 00:56:28,400
Speaker 4: he's doing the same on his end.

1232
00:56:28,440 --> 00:56:30,640
Speaker 3: Listen, these hormones will make me start crying, so let

1233
00:56:30,640 --> 00:56:36,680
Speaker 3: me say I can feel the I can feel the prickles.

1234
00:56:38,840 --> 00:56:40,080
Speaker 3: Thank ya so much.

1235
00:56:40,320 --> 00:56:42,680
Speaker 2: We hope that you love the show. Be a listeners.

1236
00:56:42,719 --> 00:56:44,600
Speaker 1: You know we'd be having that best people on here,

1237
00:56:45,000 --> 00:56:47,160
Speaker 1: so go ahead and support we over me. You know

1238
00:56:47,160 --> 00:56:49,160
Speaker 1: if I condemed to all on social listen to the

1239
00:56:49,239 --> 00:56:57,480
Speaker 1: podcast that ass and we're going to see you next week. Yes, Kim, Hey, hey,

1240
00:56:57,520 --> 00:57:01,200
Speaker 1: ba fan, we're on YouTube. Thank you so much for watching.

1241
00:57:01,520 --> 00:57:04,280
Speaker 1: Please like this video and subscribe to the channel.

1242
00:57:04,320 --> 00:57:05,880
Speaker 3: And while you're at it, why don't you go over

1243
00:57:05,880 --> 00:57:08,200
Speaker 3: to that little bell icon and just tap that for

1244
00:57:08,360 --> 00:57:10,880
Speaker 3: us show the DA fam how much you love us.

1245
00:57:11,400 --> 00:57:14,600
Speaker 3: And that way you'll also get notifications when new videos drop.

1246
00:57:15,040 --> 00:57:17,360
Speaker 3: Also share the channel with a friend. We're always like

1247
00:57:17,400 --> 00:57:19,440
Speaker 3: tele afriend to tell a friend, Tell a friend, and

1248
00:57:19,520 --> 00:57:21,240
Speaker 3: thank y'all so much again for all the support.