Speaker 1: Personally with Dan Fuelsman.
Speaker 2: Merry Christmas, everybody.
Speaker 1: This is a holiday edition of Take this personally, and
Speaker 1: not a holiday edition that you were probably anticipating. Because
Speaker 1: I love Christmas. If you follow me on social media,
Speaker 1: It's my favorite season, my favorite time of the year,
Speaker 1: and I go all out and I'm starting to decorate
Speaker 1: on November first, and most of the time my decorations
Speaker 1: don't come down until February.
Speaker 2: But knowing that this season is also a really tough.
Speaker 1: Time for a whole lot of people, myself included, even
Speaker 1: though I love it, I wanted to do an episode
Speaker 1: that focused on the experiences that people are having right now,
Speaker 1: because though Christmas is filled with light and joy and
Speaker 1: pretty colors and sparkling lights, it's also filled with darkness
Speaker 1: and sadness and heartbreak.
Speaker 2: It's one of those seasons.
Speaker 1: That a lot of people experience their worst moments. And
Speaker 1: I'm even choking up saying this now, because I ask
Speaker 1: people on my social media to share their stories, share
Speaker 1: their struggles this season because I don't have all the
Speaker 1: struggles in the world. I have some, and I have
Speaker 1: my own, but I don't share everybody's and that's what
Speaker 1: makes us all unique, but reading the stories as they
Speaker 1: came in and the experiences that people are having, particularly
Speaker 1: at this moment in time, is heart wrenching and difficult.
Speaker 1: And realizing that, gosh, we are just all so small
Speaker 1: and we all have so many things that we're facing
Speaker 1: every day is a very heavy thing to feel, but
Speaker 1: one that I wanted to share and felt so important
Speaker 1: to share because I don't want anybody out there to
Speaker 1: feel alone this holiday season. I don't physically want anybody
Speaker 1: to be alone, but I especially don't want anybody to
Speaker 1: feel emotionally alone. This is already a tough time in
Speaker 1: our lives, and we're experiencing a whole lot of things
Speaker 1: for the first time, and I just don't want to
Speaker 1: see anybody feel that they aren't heard and they're not
Speaker 1: seen when all of this is happening. So I had
Speaker 1: asked for people to share their struggles and the things
Speaker 1: that they're dealing with right now and what might be
Speaker 1: hard this holiday season, so we're gonna go through them together.
Speaker 1: There is so many and I think even I was
Speaker 1: a little taken aback by how many came through and
Speaker 1: just how hard things are for people right now.
Speaker 2: So let's do this together. I'll share stories.
Speaker 1: Along the way, and I'll also share maybe some advice
Speaker 1: if I feel that I can offer something, or maybe.
Speaker 2: Just some virtual hugs. So here we go.
Speaker 1: This is the holiday episode. By the way, I'm going
Speaker 1: to share all of these anonymously because these are some
Speaker 1: very personal things and I don't want anybody to feel
Speaker 1: targeted or feel like their family or friends could see this.
Speaker 1: So everything's anonymous, but I promise you these are all
Speaker 1: coming from real people. Starting off, my dad passed away
Speaker 1: back in twenty ten. I generally feel zero joy this
Speaker 1: time of year since that time. This person is not
Speaker 1: alone in this.
Speaker 2: There's a lot of grief in here.
Speaker 1: I personally have lost my grandparents and experiencing different Christmases
Speaker 1: since they passed. You know, the traditions that they once
Speaker 1: had are different, and the place that we used to
Speaker 1: celebrate is no longer around. And not only does losing
Speaker 1: someone come with grief and the heartache every single day
Speaker 1: and every single minute, but it also comes with a
Speaker 1: lot of change. And change is very very hard living alone.
Speaker 1: Coming home from family time to an empty house I
Speaker 1: can relate. Coming back from the holidays is really hard
Speaker 1: for me. I live by myself, I mean, I have
Speaker 1: a dog and a cat, but going from the busyness
Speaker 1: and the chaos of everyone being around to just total silence,
Speaker 1: it feels deafening.
Speaker 2: That silence is oh so tough.
Speaker 1: I've been divorced a year and a half and figuring
Speaker 1: out who gets them when is hard. Yeah, I can
Speaker 1: imagine that, And I can imagine that having to share
Speaker 1: holidays and do things that you never anticipated coming, or
Speaker 1: having to do things that really painful when all you
Speaker 1: want to do is just celebrate with your kids like
Speaker 1: you always do, and losing that ability to do that
Speaker 1: on your own time and your own free will is hard.
Speaker 2: It's a really tough change.
Speaker 1: I'm a first responder and I'm very financially struggling. This
Speaker 1: is also one that's echoed a lot. The financially struggling part. Also,
Speaker 1: thank you for your service, first responder. I imagine it's
Speaker 1: also very difficult during the holidays, and there's so many
Speaker 1: people struggling financially and a lot of people that are
Speaker 1: struggling to provide the Christmases that they would like to
Speaker 1: provide for the people in their lives.
Speaker 2: And it's a very echoed theme in.
Speaker 1: All of these responses. And I wish that wasn't the case.
Speaker 1: I wish that I could provide financial advisor. I could,
Speaker 1: you know, send money to any and everybody. It's a
Speaker 1: really tough time financially for a whole lot of people.
Speaker 1: My family has been asking if I'm pregnant yet barely
Speaker 1: been married six months. I do think there are lots
Speaker 1: of inappropriate questions that go around the holidays as being
Speaker 1: one of them, there's always one of them, regardless of
Speaker 1: the holidays. But just you know, make sure you guys
Speaker 1: take time. You know that's coming, You know those questions
Speaker 1: are coming. Just throw them off their scent, your jokes
Speaker 1: at them or something, and focus on you guys, and
Speaker 1: you know you're doing you know what's.
Speaker 2: Happening in your relationships, So build them off.
Speaker 1: I lost my dad and my mother in law both
Speaker 1: within the last three and a half months. It's been tough.
Speaker 1: It's really hard. The loss itself is really hard. The
Speaker 1: grief that you're probably feeling is astronomical. And now the
Speaker 1: holidays are here and they're going to look different for
Speaker 1: both you and your partner, and my heart is with
Speaker 1: both of you, guys, as you navigate those changes. Loneliness
Speaker 1: which leads to depression, which leads to major panic attacks. Yeah,
Speaker 1: this is a very common time of the year when
Speaker 1: people really start to pack on the loneliness. It's not
Speaker 1: only the season itself and that the holidays associated with
Speaker 1: love and romance, but also that we're in the wintertime
Speaker 1: and seasonal depression is real. So it's a combination of
Speaker 1: a whole lot of factors here. So more often than not,
Speaker 1: we're seeing people feel very alone, and it leads into
Speaker 1: those really really dark moments. I hope you know that
Speaker 1: you're not alone in that. Genuinely I feel it. I mean,
Speaker 1: you can see me on social media laughing and enjoying Christmas,
Speaker 1: and I love the holidays of lights and going to
Speaker 1: do all those things. But I don't want you to
Speaker 1: also think for a second that I don't feel the loneliness,
Speaker 1: because I do. It creeps in often, and it creeps
Speaker 1: in in the strangest of moments and times When this
Speaker 1: really comes to impact me during these time of years,
Speaker 1: whether it's something I don't have that other people have,
Speaker 1: I try to really channel my energy into remembering that
Speaker 1: this time in my life is never going to come again.
Speaker 1: Who I am, where I'm at in this moment of
Speaker 1: my life is never going to happen again, and I
Speaker 1: have to enjoy it for all that it is good
Speaker 1: and bad. And so when those lonely moments creep in,
Speaker 1: that's what I'm sitting there repeating in my head, like organ,
Speaker 1: this isn't gonna come again.
Speaker 2: This is your life right now, in this moment.
Speaker 1: You have to You have to take yourself to the present, moment,
Speaker 1: at the future, at the past. Just focus on what
Speaker 1: is and in this moment, like I ground myself, I
Speaker 1: put my feet on the ground, and sometimes I throw
Speaker 1: a blanket around me and I feel cozied like a
Speaker 1: little baby, snug in a blanket, and just remind myself
Speaker 1: that this is my moment to do with what I will,
Speaker 1: regardless of all the things that have happened to me
Speaker 1: and what hasn't happened for me. Also, if this is
Speaker 1: something on the more medical side of things.
Speaker 2: I do hope you seek help.
Speaker 1: I hope this is the season that you reach out
Speaker 1: and ask for help, because you should and you can. Please,
Speaker 1: don't be afraid of that. Don't be afraid of getting
Speaker 1: the help that you need, because there is resources and
Speaker 1: there are ways. Even if it's just talking to somebody
Speaker 1: that's really close in your life. Let this be the
Speaker 1: season that you're not afraid to do that first year
Speaker 1: divorced and my ex has Christmas this year. I've had
Speaker 1: friends that have gone through this and it's heartbreaking and
Speaker 1: it's really hard, and the loneliness, like we were just discussing,
Speaker 1: creeps in and you feel, oh, so many feelings, so
Speaker 1: many experiences that are happening for the first time. I
Speaker 1: would suggest if you can, to find a new tradition
Speaker 1: for yourself.
Speaker 2: When you're in this and you're.
Speaker 1: Sad and you're missing what you thought this was supposed
Speaker 1: to be or what was supposed to happen, try to
Speaker 1: go find something new for yourself to do. Find a
Speaker 1: new cafe that you can go sit and drink hot
Speaker 1: chocolate ad or find a movie that you can snuggle
Speaker 1: up and watch and you cook all your favorite foods,
Speaker 1: or you know, invite for over for a little game
Speaker 1: night or FaceTime. Have a FaceTime with people if they're
Speaker 1: far away. Set a date, have a wine with that date,
Speaker 1: like find a tradition that you can do when your
Speaker 1: ex has your kids, because this won't be the last
Speaker 1: Christmas this happens.
Speaker 2: And or the last holiday.
Speaker 1: So find traditions that you can do for yourself to
Speaker 1: start to make this season joyful for you again. Now's
Speaker 1: the time to focus on you, juggling divorced families and
Speaker 1: making space for everyone equally and babies first Christmas. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a lot, lots of things happening, lots of people.
Speaker 1: You have to see, there's this pressure to make time
Speaker 1: for everyone, make space for all the people that are
Speaker 1: in your life, and also make traditions on your own
Speaker 1: and do things that are right for your family. That's
Speaker 1: a very real struggle that people are facing, not having
Speaker 1: time with friends because they're too busy doing couples and
Speaker 1: family things. I think it's also coincided with another one
Speaker 1: that said all the proposals, engagements, couple outfits, baby announcements.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I can definitely relate to that. I mean, it's funny.
Speaker 1: I'm a digital director and I try to stay off
Speaker 1: social media typically around the holidays, as far as scrolling
Speaker 1: a lot, because it is so heavily about these celebrations
Speaker 1: of love and in couples, which as it should be,
Speaker 1: because you know, when the time comes for.
Speaker 2: Me, for you, it's gonna be us and we're going
Speaker 2: to be doing it.
Speaker 1: But I do hope you have people in your life
Speaker 1: that can support you during this and who can recognize
Speaker 1: that you're experiencing the side effects of being alone while
Speaker 1: they're not, and I hope they're showing up for you
Speaker 1: in the ways that you deserve, even if you're not
Speaker 1: in a similar season of life. Now, all that to say,
Speaker 1: some people aren't the best at that, and that's all
Speaker 1: so part of getting older and life transitionings and things happening.
Speaker 1: This is also where I would encourage you where you
Speaker 1: can to put yourself in your different comfort zone and
Speaker 1: make new friends, make new things to do. If they're
Speaker 1: not making time, then you make time for other things
Speaker 1: and make your own traditions and go out into the
Speaker 1: world and experience it in the way that you want
Speaker 1: to experience it. And you'll find people along the way
Speaker 1: who are going to start to experience life with you
Speaker 1: in the ways that you need right now, So.
Speaker 2: Try to stay off of.
Speaker 1: Social media and get out there and do something that
Speaker 1: you've been wanting to do. Just because they're not making
Speaker 1: the time doesn't mean you shouldn't be making the time
Speaker 1: for it. So as much as I know it's hard
Speaker 1: to go and do things by ourselves, especially in a
Speaker 1: season when we're seeing everybody do stuff as couples, and
Speaker 1: then you go out and you're doing stuff alone.
Speaker 2: It sucks.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to sit here and say go do
Speaker 1: it and it's going to be incredibly joyful the first time.
Speaker 1: It's probably going to be hard, but you have to
Speaker 1: do it for you no more, no more expecting them
Speaker 1: to show up, because if they're not, then it's on
Speaker 1: you and you're the one who has to deal with
Speaker 1: them not showing up, right, So deal with it by
Speaker 1: doing things for you. Go take care of yourself, Go
Speaker 1: out there and do the things you've been wanting to do.
Speaker 1: Struggle with friends, Christmas morning, family photos when I'm still
Speaker 1: single another one in that same category. I think one
Speaker 1: of the best benefits of social media is being able
Speaker 1: to be connected, but it's also the detriment of it.
Speaker 1: You can see everything, and you experience everybody's life and
Speaker 1: the moment that they're happening, and so it can feel
Speaker 1: very raw when you're not experiencing those things, and that's
Speaker 1: coming from a place of I also experience this often.
Speaker 1: So try to stay off of social media and just
Speaker 1: make some plans for yourself, like do things that are
Speaker 1: going to make you feel joyful and happy this season,
Speaker 1: and focus your energy on that. Both my parents died
Speaker 1: before I was thirty. Everyone talks about how difficult it
Speaker 1: is going to so many Christmases. I'd love to have
Speaker 1: more than one Christmas to go to as a thirty
Speaker 1: ish year old, And oh my goodness, I knew some
Speaker 1: of these were going to make me tear up. My
Speaker 1: heart hurts for you. I hope this allows us to
Speaker 1: recognize that even in the midst of all of our
Speaker 1: heart things and the things we're experiencing this season, having
Speaker 1: people we love, having things to do, and being able
Speaker 1: to go out and experience life is the privilege, right.
Speaker 2: All of these.
Speaker 1: Things that are here on my phone that everybody is
Speaker 1: writing and experiencing it this season in life are so
Speaker 1: valid and their heartbreaking and they're hurtful. But you also
Speaker 1: look at some of these and I just want all
Speaker 1: of us to remember the good that we do have
Speaker 1: when things are really hard.
Speaker 2: Trust me, I know that's difficult.
Speaker 1: It's really difficult when things feel dark and they feel dreary,
Speaker 1: and you don't want to look to all the good
Speaker 1: stuff you have in your life. I can imagine coming
Speaker 1: from this person's perspective where she's like, I'd give for
Speaker 1: the family drama one more time, and I'd give anything
Speaker 1: to be running all over in.
Speaker 2: It, to be pure chaos.
Speaker 1: It's the very true saying of two things can be true. Right.
Speaker 1: We can be sad and we can be hurt, and
Speaker 1: we can be going through things, but also we can
Speaker 1: be appreciative and we can be thankful and we can
Speaker 1: feel happiness for the good that we do have. So
Speaker 1: I think a lot of these are serving as that
Speaker 1: reminder for me when this is a very stressful season.
Speaker 1: My newly married daughter cannot come home for Christmas because
Speaker 1: she has to work. Mama is sad when people can't
Speaker 1: make it home for Christmas. That is a real sadness
Speaker 1: because Christmas is associated with connection and family time and
Speaker 1: everybody being together. My fiance and I don't agree on
Speaker 1: his behavior. We broke up, yet family wants him around.
Speaker 1: Oh gosh, this is gonna be really hard if you
Speaker 1: don't feel like you can talk to your family. But
Speaker 1: I think you have to have a real conversation with
Speaker 1: him and say, like, guys, this isn't okay.
Speaker 2: By you saying we don't.
Speaker 1: Agree on his behavior, That tells me that this is
Speaker 1: not the best human being.
Speaker 2: If you guys broke up over this.
Speaker 1: And maybe your family just doesn't know that isn't totally
Speaker 1: aware of how bad that was, but you definitely got
Speaker 1: to like put your foot down here, like this is
Speaker 1: your space, this is your family, this is supposed to
Speaker 1: be your safe space after something like that. And you know,
Speaker 1: also if they're not respecting that and they're pushing that boundary,
Speaker 1: then take your space and do the things that feel
Speaker 1: right for you. Because it's hard enough to be going
Speaker 1: through a breakup from a fiance somebody you were planning
Speaker 1: a life with, but let alone to be having your
Speaker 1: family really pushing on that topic.
Speaker 2: Take care of you.
Speaker 1: One of my step son's has been in the ICU
Speaker 1: since the first Along with that stress comes gilt overshadowing.
Speaker 2: Another one of.
Speaker 1: Those situations where two things can be true. You can
Speaker 1: be really heartbroken and sad and feeling a lot of
Speaker 1: emotions with your steps on being there, but also being
Speaker 1: stressed with everything that comes with the holiday season. So
Speaker 1: don't forget that struggling with infertility, not having a kid
Speaker 1: of our own, to make memories with for another year.
Speaker 2: I know this is a.
Speaker 1: Also very common one. I hope for you that that
Speaker 1: season of life comes for you guys so soon, and
Speaker 1: maybe an avenue this year is to make a memory together,
Speaker 1: because again, you won't be in this season of life
Speaker 1: forever and it may never come again. You know, this
Speaker 1: time next year could look totally different. So while that
Speaker 1: is an incredibly difficult journey and struggling with that is
Speaker 1: hay topic all on its own, try for what you
Speaker 1: can to enjoy where you guys are at right now.
Speaker 1: There's a reason for it. Unfortunately, there's anything I've realized
Speaker 1: about the stinking universe is that there's a reason for everything,
Speaker 1: and there's a time for everything.
Speaker 2: Funny one to throw in here.
Speaker 1: I could type a novel on this, lol. I think
Speaker 1: people are really feeling it this year. Being away from
Speaker 1: family can be so hard during the holidays, Yeah, I can,
Speaker 1: especially when everybody is going home and everybody is making
Speaker 1: plans to see family and loved ones and you can't
Speaker 1: for whatever reason.
Speaker 2: That's so difficult.
Speaker 1: Have you ever felt hopelessness during the holidays?
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, oh yeah, many times with.
Speaker 1: Such a joyful and giving season, it's really easy to
Speaker 1: see everyone experiencing a lot of things that you don't have.
Speaker 1: I think it's really easy to look at all of
Speaker 1: it and say, well, they have that and I don't.
Speaker 1: I'm not where I want it to be, and you know,
Speaker 1: every version of this that you want to go down.
Speaker 1: I think hopelessness is common around this time of year.
Speaker 1: I feel like you've also probably fought really hard this year.
Speaker 1: If I had to guess of why you're asking this question,
Speaker 1: you've probably really put yourself out there, and you've done
Speaker 1: things that provided you with a lot of hope, and
Speaker 1: you were trying, and you were fighting that good fight,
Speaker 1: and you've just finally reached a point where your body's
Speaker 1: tired and it hasn't gotten the results it wanted.
Speaker 2: Whatever that may be.
Speaker 1: So maybe it's a time for rest. You're feeling hopelessness.
Speaker 1: It might be a sign that your body's saying, hey,
Speaker 1: let's take a break. That would be my best guess.
Speaker 1: That would be something that I've experienced often, and that's
Speaker 1: what's typically associated with the past two years. Money has
Speaker 1: been really tight, and I am not able to shop
Speaker 1: for gifts like I have prior. I've seen a lot
Speaker 1: of this. I hope you don't feel guilty in any ways.
Speaker 1: I hope you feel like you can still provide an
Speaker 1: amazing holiday without doing gifts.
Speaker 2: And I think it's also.
Speaker 1: Totally okay to have real conversations with the people that
Speaker 1: you're giving gifts for. If it's your kids, if it's siblings,
Speaker 1: or whatever it may be, just have very honest conversations
Speaker 1: and say, hey, guys, we can't do this because it's
Speaker 1: not worth you being stressed and financially having problems in
Speaker 1: twenty twenty five because you did all these things just
Speaker 1: to make everything better for everyone else, Like, don't forget
Speaker 1: about you in this process, and.
Speaker 2: This is going to make your life harder.
Speaker 1: Have conversations and say, hey, let's just do something different
Speaker 1: this year. And is it going to be hard because
Speaker 1: change is hard.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it will be.
Speaker 1: But majority of the time, what people really want around
Speaker 1: the holidays is experiences. They want to have time with
Speaker 1: loved ones. And even looking back as a kid, I
Speaker 1: can't tell you the gifts that I received, like maybe
Speaker 1: one of them because it came from my grandma, But
Speaker 1: the other ones I couldn't tell you when, where, what happened.
Speaker 1: But I can tell you every time my parents helped
Speaker 1: me feed the reindeer out in the lawn, or every
Speaker 1: time we baked sugar cookies for Santa, or every time
Speaker 1: I wrote my letter to Sanna. In the waking up
Speaker 1: the next morning, and the happiness of being surrounded by
Speaker 1: my family, that's what I can remember. So if you
Speaker 1: fill it with memories, then the gifts don't feel so important.
Speaker 1: What are some tips for those of us who can't
Speaker 1: or choose not to drink to get through the loneliness.
Speaker 1: I think you need to spend time feeling why you
Speaker 1: feel like that's a direction that you need to go,
Speaker 1: but also like find a healthy coping mechanism, right, Like,
Speaker 1: if you start to feel that loneliness, maybe it's going
Speaker 1: for a walk, Maybe it's journaling. Maybe it's watching your
Speaker 1: favorite movie and having comfort. Maybe it's baking your favorite dish.
Speaker 1: Find something that provides you with joy and that will
Speaker 1: help you start to develop healthy coping mechanisms when you're
Speaker 1: feeling that loneliness. Because you know some things that can
Speaker 1: provide you like a serotonin boost, and they often say
Speaker 1: that going outside is one of the biggest ones that
Speaker 1: can help you. So I would suggest finding an avenue
Speaker 1: that is healthy to you versus just you know, seeing
Speaker 1: alcohol and feeling like that could be the option my
Speaker 1: parents pass. Spending the holidays with my hubbies family, I
Speaker 1: miss mine.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, that's really tough.
Speaker 1: I'm sure it's exciting to be surrounded by his family
Speaker 1: because you probably love them, or hopefully you love them,
Speaker 1: but I can also imagine that it's nothing like the
Speaker 1: experiences that you've had, so kind of feels like you're
Speaker 1: filling this hole but you're not actually filling it, and
Speaker 1: that's probably going.
Speaker 2: To be really difficult. But you will make new.
Speaker 1: Traditions, and hopefully you'll find ways to honor your parents
Speaker 1: within those new traditions that will make them feel really
Speaker 1: close to you. Single mother, chronic illness, and two autistic kids,
Speaker 1: one who self injures.
Speaker 2: It's hard to be happy. This one is so tough.
Speaker 1: I mean, gosh, like I said, all of these, you're
Speaker 1: going through all of these and you're just seeing the
Speaker 1: experiences that people are having right now, and.
Speaker 2: This one is so hard.
Speaker 1: And there's not a lot that I can say that
Speaker 1: is going to probably help anybody who is in this
Speaker 1: position or a similar one. But I just I need
Speaker 1: you to know that you're doing great. You're doing a
Speaker 1: really good job. You're here, you're owning what's happening in
Speaker 1: your life. You're trying to show up and you're allowing
Speaker 1: yourself to exist in this world. And I think that's
Speaker 1: really brave. I think it's brave even being able to
Speaker 1: say what you said in this DM. It's brave that
Speaker 1: you want to keep finding a way. I think it's
Speaker 1: brave that you're recognizing that it's hard to be happy.
Speaker 2: I do know that you know.
Speaker 1: Through every storm does come a rainbow. So someday there
Speaker 1: will be a rainbow and sunshine and there'll be moments
Speaker 1: of light where it'll all be worth it. But in
Speaker 1: the meantime, I just need you to know that you
Speaker 1: do deserve to be happy, and I hope you find
Speaker 1: ways to make yourself happy in the process and start
Speaker 1: being able to take care of yourself however that may look.
Speaker 1: And it's gonna be baby steps, you know. Baby steps
Speaker 1: is something that I tell so many people in my
Speaker 1: life when we're talking about trying to change things in
Speaker 1: our lives. My baby steps. A baby step is better
Speaker 1: than no step, and it can take you ten years,
Speaker 1: but a baby step is a baby step, So keep
Speaker 1: moving in that direction to find the happiness that you
Speaker 1: deserve in this situation. But that gosh, it's so tough
Speaker 1: going through a separation and I'm all alone this year.
Speaker 1: I you know, I again, I just this is not uncommon.
Speaker 1: Feeling guilty for retiring and moving to Vegas without my mom.
Speaker 1: I can imagine that's really tough because you're wanting to
Speaker 1: experience some.
Speaker 2: Things in your life.
Speaker 1: You're retiring, and I'm imagining that your mom is in
Speaker 1: a position where she's also getting older and things are happening.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of guilt and shame associated with that,
Speaker 1: and I hope you don't allow that to be I mean,
Speaker 1: I imagine you're probably doing everything you can to take care
Speaker 1: of her and do the things that are best for her,
Speaker 1: and you're also doing the same for you, So you're
Speaker 1: finding that balance.
Speaker 2: But guilt is real, shame is real.
Speaker 1: I just hope you know that you should also be
Speaker 1: proud of yourself for doing something that'll make you happy.
Speaker 1: This will be the first Christmas without my mom. That
Speaker 1: has got to be very, very tough.
Speaker 2: Please.
Speaker 1: I was messaging with somebody and I'll share some of
Speaker 1: those They were talking about how they hadn't decorated their
Speaker 1: tree because that reminded them of losing their mom, who
Speaker 1: they used to decorate the tree with all the time.
Speaker 1: So maybe a way and something that can help is
Speaker 1: finding a way to honor them this season and within
Speaker 1: holiday traditions that allows you to feel close to them.
Speaker 1: And I'm not sure what that is because it's going
Speaker 1: to be unique to everybody, But maybe there's something that
Speaker 1: you can do that allows you to feel our presence
Speaker 1: and feel like she's there with you. But I know
Speaker 1: that there's not a lot of words I can say
Speaker 1: here that are going to make that one any better.
Speaker 1: Living far away from my family also a common sentiment
Speaker 1: a lot of people that doesn't look like they're going
Speaker 1: to be able to experience Christmas with their families. Not
Speaker 1: taking care of yourself because you want to make it
Speaker 1: great for everyone you love. I say this with so
Speaker 1: much love. You cannot be pouring from an empty cup.
Speaker 1: You have to take care of yourself to take care
Speaker 1: of other people. So if you are feeling strained, if
Speaker 1: you were feeling like you have done everything for everyone
Speaker 1: else and you are not happy and you are not
Speaker 1: getting joy out of this season, then pull back, find
Speaker 1: a way that you can still be happy and still
Speaker 1: provide in the ways that you feel happiness with. Don't
Speaker 1: be sitting here just constantly pouring from this cup that doesn't.
Speaker 2: Exist anymore because you've deprived yourself of all of it.
Speaker 1: You deserve joy and happiness too.
Speaker 2: You deserve to feel loved.
Speaker 1: This season too, So don't be so caught up in
Speaker 1: spoiling and taking care of everybody else that you also
Speaker 1: forget yourself and the process. Because it's not fair to you.
Speaker 1: It's also not fair to them because you're not giving
Speaker 1: who you really are for them. You deserve all of
Speaker 1: that and more too, So please don't forget that. Struggling
Speaker 1: with health issues, struggling mentally now, struggling to get groceries,
Speaker 1: and almost out again. These are just heartbreaking things that
Speaker 1: people are experiencing right now. But I really do help
Speaker 1: things start to shift for everybody soon. I'm thirty, also single,
Speaker 1: with a dog and only her and I for the holidays,
Speaker 1: which can get pretty lonely. Any advice, it's another one.
Speaker 1: I had said this a little bit earlier. Find some
Speaker 1: traditions for you and your dog, like go on a hike,
Speaker 1: go sit at a patio and have a little hot
Speaker 1: cocoa together, or you know, have a movie marathon, make
Speaker 1: some new traditions that you can find joy in so
Speaker 1: you're not focused on you know, we're alone and this
Speaker 1: is the only thing we're going to be doing at
Speaker 1: the holidays is alone. So find some things that you
Speaker 1: can find joy in. And yes, the loneliness is still
Speaker 1: going to be there, but hopefully the presence is just
Speaker 1: a little bit smaller. Having a newborn baby in the
Speaker 1: nick you lots of nick you babies right now, and oof,
Speaker 1: that's really tough because all you want to do is
Speaker 1: bring them home. I had friends that experience this, and
Speaker 1: it is horribly hard to just all you want to
Speaker 1: do is bring them home and them to be healthy
Speaker 1: and you know, do the things that you imagine you'd
Speaker 1: be doing.
Speaker 2: If they weren't in the nick You.
Speaker 1: So oh, I hope that your baby is home so
Speaker 1: soon and very very healthy. Do de grief and stress.
Speaker 1: My mental health has been awful this year and this Christmas.
Speaker 1: I hear you, I hear you.
Speaker 2: I'm hoping that you.
Speaker 1: Can give yourself some grace this holiday season. Hopefully you
Speaker 1: can feel.
Speaker 2: More happiness soon.
Speaker 1: Maybe you get the rest that you need and some
Speaker 1: time to breathe, and I hope the light the cloud
Speaker 1: goes away and you start to see the light again.
Speaker 1: First holiday alone after being in a long term relationship
Speaker 1: for the last few years, and it feels off to me.
Speaker 2: It's going to It's absolutely going to change.
Speaker 1: Is so so hard coming out of something and expecting
Speaker 1: one thing to happen and it's the complete opposite is
Speaker 1: incredibly difficult.
Speaker 2: And this is also.
Speaker 1: Where I'd encourage you to start a new tradition, find
Speaker 1: something that can make you happy. Being single and childless
Speaker 1: during the holiday season also a common sentiment here. Love
Speaker 1: the holidays and always will. I have a wonderful family,
Speaker 1: but it is certainly a reminder of our loved ones
Speaker 1: that are no longer here, especially seeing memories from social media.
Speaker 2: Our phone picks pop up.
Speaker 1: Also as a parent and as I get older and
Speaker 1: making sure to space out gift buying and wrapping, not
Speaker 1: getting wrapped up in the chaos, and reminding myself to
Speaker 1: take in this magical time is tough, but so necessary
Speaker 1: for my mental health. So a lot there. See, we
Speaker 1: are all here unpacking multiple things and experiencing multiple things
Speaker 1: at the exact same time, and it's incredibly hard. Guys,
Speaker 1: as an individual existing in this world who is sitting here,
Speaker 1: having to be emotionally mature, physically fit, helping your kids
Speaker 1: through multiple life experiences, understanding what your parents who are
Speaker 1: going through, making sure all the gifts are wrapped and
Speaker 1: under the tree, and the the dinner or the lunch
Speaker 1: is cooked perfectly, or you're making it to every event
Speaker 1: on time and you're doing all of the necessary traditions
Speaker 1: or guys like I'm rattling off this list and we're
Speaker 1: not superhumans. I need you to give yourself grace. I
Speaker 1: need you to understand that you can't.
Speaker 2: Do it all. You weren't meant to.
Speaker 1: You were meant to live and exist and get to
Speaker 1: enjoy your life and your time here.
Speaker 2: So please, please breathe.
Speaker 1: Please take things off your plate if they don't need
Speaker 1: to be there. Please delegate tasks. Please just allow yourself
Speaker 1: to be here in the present moment and not stress
Speaker 1: so much of the control of everything you need to do,
Speaker 1: of trying to make sure it's perfect. It's not going
Speaker 1: to be and it doesn't need to be. I need
Speaker 1: you to take care of yourself and I need you
Speaker 1: to feel like this season is just as much yours
Speaker 1: as it is everyone else you're trying to provide for.
Speaker 1: I'm proud of you for trying, and I'm proud of
Speaker 1: you for even putting in that effort, but like, come on,
Speaker 1: it's time for you to do this for you have
Speaker 1: a good season for you.
Speaker 2: So let's figure that out.
Speaker 1: Okay, So knock some things off this list, and let's
Speaker 1: try and refocus our energy on you taking care of yourself,
Speaker 1: and then you can.
Speaker 2: Start adding in some other things.
Speaker 1: Okay, changing and missing childhood traditions while excited about new traditions. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's really hard.
Speaker 2: It's hard, guys. Change is so difficult, you know.
Speaker 1: And holidays often bringing out, especially as you're getting older,
Speaker 1: whether you can't make it home, or you are in
Speaker 1: a new relationship, you're meeting new families, you're blending families.
Speaker 1: Holidays can bring about some very big changes and with
Speaker 1: that comes to life of emotions, a lot of nostalgia,
Speaker 1: and it can be very difficult to do that. And
Speaker 1: I don't know that anybody ever prepares for that to
Speaker 1: be get difficult.
Speaker 2: You think, oh, it's just a change in my life.
Speaker 2: I'm just gonna be doing this instead of that.
Speaker 1: I don't think we realize how much we tie ourselves
Speaker 1: to these experiences and these moments in our lives and holidays,
Speaker 1: especially because there's so many memories tied to it. I
Speaker 1: don't know why I'm more emotional this holiday. I think
Speaker 1: that's also a common thing. I think there's a lot
Speaker 1: of people here who are experiencing a lot of difficult
Speaker 1: things and a lot of emotions, complicated family relationships after
Speaker 1: living long distance, understandable distance puts a lot of space
Speaker 1: and a lot of perspective on things, and you experience
Speaker 1: shifts and dynamics when you're not around. I know what
Speaker 1: that's like, and I know it's also hard to stay
Speaker 1: in touch. I know it's hard to feel connected when
Speaker 1: you're miles and miles away. But I do think there's
Speaker 1: a way through that. It's just gonna look different.
Speaker 2: That's also okay.
Speaker 1: The struggle of venturing. Both my parents feel I'm giving
Speaker 1: them time when they are divorced, and I have my
Speaker 1: own family now. Always feel guilty during this time. It's
Speaker 1: a tough one because you're wanting to be multiple places
Speaker 1: at once, Like you wish you could clone yourself and
Speaker 1: be like I'm here, here, and here, and everybody's getting
Speaker 1: every part of me just again. I hope you're giving
Speaker 1: yourself some grace this season two. You know you can't
Speaker 1: be multiple places at once, and you even willing and
Speaker 1: wanting to show up for everyone is a huge deal.
Speaker 1: So give yourself the grace, take some deep breaths, and
Speaker 1: just know that at the end of the day, you
Speaker 1: are doing the very best.
Speaker 2: That you can. I'm proud of you. Hopefully everybody else
Speaker 2: is too.
Speaker 1: How do I get my family back together to spend
Speaker 1: Christmas Day together again?
Speaker 2: Lots of changes, This is tough.
Speaker 1: I think you have to have some honest conversations, you know,
Speaker 1: talk to all the people. How can we make this happen?
Speaker 1: Is it possible to make this happen? What would it
Speaker 1: look like?
Speaker 2: Is everybody willing? Who's willing? And see what you can do?
Speaker 1: Because communication is the first half of that, right. If
Speaker 1: nobody's talking about it, it's not gonna happen. So have
Speaker 1: the conversation, start asking the questions. I don't know that
Speaker 1: you can do anything about this one in particular because
Speaker 1: it's fast approaching, but maybe for next year that's something
Speaker 1: that you guys can start to figure out even if
Speaker 1: it's not on Christmas Day but around it, where you
Speaker 1: guys can all celebrate Christmas together.
Speaker 2: Two layoffs from two different.
Speaker 1: Corporations in medical field this year from closures. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: I feel for you. I asks her, no fun at
Speaker 1: all and you didn't deserve it, especially twice in a year.
Speaker 1: So I'm sure that's making this season even more difficult,
Speaker 1: and finances and all of that. So I'm hopeful for you.
Speaker 2: I hope that you.
Speaker 1: Find a really amazing job in the coming months and
Speaker 1: you're on to bigger and better things. The stress of
Speaker 1: getting gifts for your family when you're on a budget
Speaker 1: but also want to make sure everyone's day is special.
Speaker 1: I love gifting. I wish this experience because there's another
Speaker 1: one of these too, pressure to buy gifts for people
Speaker 1: who buy gifts for you, but finances are different for them.
Speaker 1: I wish this experience of gift giving was more about
Speaker 1: giving people things that remind you of them and vice versa.
Speaker 1: Or you're giving gifts because you really felt compelled that
Speaker 1: this was a gift that they needed or wanted, versus
Speaker 1: this requirement to give gifts like we don't have to
Speaker 1: do gifts guys, we don't have to give people things
Speaker 1: if we don't want to, and we don't have to
Speaker 1: expect to do all these different gift exchanges if we
Speaker 1: don't need to.
Speaker 2: I think.
Speaker 1: Quality is so much more important over quantity, especially in
Speaker 1: this instance. Sometimes people just want experiences, They just want
Speaker 1: spend time with you. So the only way to change
Speaker 1: the gift giving situation in anything is to have a
Speaker 1: conversation about it. You know, talk to these people where
Speaker 1: this is happening. And if it's not a situation where
Speaker 1: you can talk to them like as a coworker or something,
Speaker 1: I mean, you just you have to do the best
Speaker 1: that you can and give them something. You know, everybody
Speaker 1: loves a baked treat, so baked goods are always an
Speaker 1: easy way of saying like, I you know, I did
Speaker 1: this for you and I was thinking of you, even
Speaker 1: if they don't appreciate it in the same way you
Speaker 1: did something. So also knowing that like it's just an
Speaker 1: appreciation factor versus it actually being something that they have
Speaker 1: to love and like use for the rest of their
Speaker 1: life is not also a real reality of what we
Speaker 1: should be experiencing and expecting. So have conversations, talk to
Speaker 1: the people in your life of gift giving is needs
Speaker 1: to be off the table. And then also just don't
Speaker 1: don't stress about the guys, Like, find things that make
Speaker 1: them happy that you just saw them, were like, oh
Speaker 1: this reminds me of them, or I'm gonna make this
Speaker 1: for them because of this, And if they don't appreciate that, then.
Speaker 2: Maybe the next year you're not giving gifts with them.
Speaker 1: Okay, Like, is this supposed to be this season of
Speaker 1: us all experiencing things that make us happiness, not getting
Speaker 1: things on a list that we feel we deserve. All
Speaker 1: this is about, so change it up. You have every
Speaker 1: right to change the narrative and change the situation that
Speaker 1: you're in, so find a way to do that. I'm
Speaker 1: assuming again that these are all family situations. An introvert
Speaker 1: having to have so many interactions is over stimulating and exhausting.
Speaker 2: Yes, I really can imagine.
Speaker 1: Make sure you take some space and time for yourself.
Speaker 2: Maybe you're like, hey, I need a.
Speaker 1: Little break, and maybe you make something up where you're like,
Speaker 1: I just want to go sit outside for a little bit,
Speaker 1: take a breather, Like, find your ways to allow your
Speaker 1: introvertness to you know, get out in the moments of extrovertedness.
Speaker 2: It's a lot.
Speaker 1: You can and also be upfront honest, right, because it's
Speaker 1: not kind when there's a whole gathering and you go
Speaker 1: and you separate yourself and it feels like, oh, she
Speaker 1: he doesn't want to hang out with us, but that's
Speaker 1: not true. So just make sure you're communicating, like, hey, guys,
Speaker 1: I just need.
Speaker 2: A breather real quick.
Speaker 1: There's a lot happening, and you can kind of make
Speaker 1: a joke about it if you will, if that makes
Speaker 1: you a little bit uncomfortable, or like if there's an
Speaker 1: animal taking a dog for a walk in the middle
Speaker 1: of things, like nobody's gonna hate that, so it's always
Speaker 1: an easy out.
Speaker 2: And if there's not a dog and say.
Speaker 1: Hey, anybody need me to go run an errand like
Speaker 1: find your ways to get some space while this is
Speaker 1: all happening, because it can be a lot. It can
Speaker 1: taking over my family business after losing my dad it's
Speaker 1: my first Christmas without him, and also struggling to conceive
Speaker 1: for three years. It's really hard to be joy right now. Again,
Speaker 1: just so much, like so much compounded into so many
Speaker 1: one human being, right, like multiples of these are people
Speaker 1: experiencing so many different things, and it's in one person,
Speaker 1: Like I just went on a list of all the
Speaker 1: things that we're expected to do and the way that
Speaker 1: this holiday is apparently supposed to work according to who knows,
Speaker 1: social media, society, whatever you want to put it on.
Speaker 1: But all of these people are experiencing so much heartache
Speaker 1: and hurt and pain, and it's one person that these
Speaker 1: are coming from multiple things within one human being. And
Speaker 1: I wish that wasn't the case, you know, I wish
Speaker 1: everybody out there wasn't dealing with so many different things.
Speaker 1: So it's a reminder, Gosh that you know, the holidays
Speaker 1: aren't all love and light all the time. See more
Speaker 1: of these with a lot to the loss of parents
Speaker 1: we have, losing a parent recently. In his birthday is
Speaker 1: a day after his Christmas. There's so many losing of
Speaker 1: family members, particularly parents. Losing a parent recently and his
Speaker 1: birthday is the day after Christmas. Second Christmas without my dad,
Speaker 1: the holiday hit me like a ton of bricks. Three
Speaker 1: Christmas is without my dad. Holidays still don't feel right.
Speaker 1: Second year without my mom. It's just horrible. And it's
Speaker 1: not just on the holidays, dealing with the loss of
Speaker 1: a parent who passed away during the holidays, lost my
Speaker 1: father a few months ago and have been working side
Speaker 1: by side with him for twenty five years.
Speaker 2: There is so much loss and grief in here, and
Speaker 2: my heart just.
Speaker 1: Goes out to all of you guys, because I know
Speaker 1: there's not a lot I can say, do or have
Speaker 1: here right now that's going to make it any better
Speaker 1: or make the grief go away this season or any
Speaker 1: season for that matter. But I do hope you know
Speaker 1: that you aren't alone.
Speaker 2: I hope you know that there's so many people here.
Speaker 1: That are experiencing similar things and the holidays are very
Speaker 1: tough for them. And I hope you find some glimmers
Speaker 1: this season. I hope you find reminders of them. I
Speaker 1: hope you find glimmers that are joyful for you in moments,
Speaker 1: even if it's not for the entire season. And I
Speaker 1: hope as time goes on things do get easier for you,
Speaker 1: at least in this particular way. Trying to decide if
Speaker 1: I should stay in my relationship or do I leave
Speaker 1: before Christmas it's so hard. I mean, honestly, if you're
Speaker 1: already debating this, I think you have your answer if
Speaker 1: you're sitting here contemplating leaving a relationship, there's a reason,
Speaker 1: and what is that reason? Is it valid or is
Speaker 1: it you're afraid of something that's happening within the relationship.
Speaker 1: I think this is where you start asking yourself questions
Speaker 1: and what is the best case scenario here? Found out
Speaker 1: my parents were getting divorced on Christmas Day when I
Speaker 1: was twelve.
Speaker 2: It still stings, Yeah, I bet so.
Speaker 1: It means this holiday is now associated with a painful
Speaker 1: time in your life, which means every time this holiday
Speaker 1: comes around, you're reminded of it. Another situation where I'd say,
Speaker 1: try and find some opportunities to make new experiences in
Speaker 1: your life, you know, try and make a new memory
Speaker 1: and associate it with this holiday, a new tradition that
Speaker 1: you can do every year that allows you to take
Speaker 1: that sting away, take the power away from that experience,
Speaker 1: and put it.
Speaker 2: Into something good.
Speaker 1: Single mom doing it all alone gets lonely and difficult.
Speaker 1: Sometimes My heart goes out to all of the single
Speaker 1: parents out there.
Speaker 2: Because I don't know how you guys do it. I don't.
Speaker 1: I think it's incredibly brave and you are so strong
Speaker 1: to be doing what you are doing and particularly doing
Speaker 1: it around the holidays, because all the holidays do is
Speaker 1: add much more to your plate, and I know that
Speaker 1: that's so tough.
Speaker 2: Single mom doing it all alone.
Speaker 1: Gets lonely and difficult sometimes, Like my heart goes out
Speaker 1: to any single parent out there. I don't know how
Speaker 1: you guys do it. You're incredibly strong and you have
Speaker 1: so much strength that it's to be admired to be
Speaker 1: able to do the things that you do day in
Speaker 1: and day out, but particularly around the holidays when even
Speaker 1: more is being added to your plate. I don't even
Speaker 1: know this experience, but I can imagine that you have
Speaker 1: been through it, and so I'm proud of you. In
Speaker 1: case nobody's told you that recently. I'm very proud of
Speaker 1: you for everything you're doing, and I hope you keep
Speaker 1: pushing through and I hope there's light at the end
Speaker 1: of the tunnel for you sometime soon. Okay, So those
Speaker 1: are just the thing that were put in the question
Speaker 1: box on my Instagram. We're in a head to some
Speaker 1: dms here and I'm just gonna go through some of
Speaker 1: these with y'all.
Speaker 2: This holiday.
Speaker 1: I'm really struggling with my brother's new girlfriend. I'm the
Speaker 1: only daughter in my family, and me and my mom
Speaker 1: have always been really close. I love twelve hours away
Speaker 1: from my parents now, but I talk to them multiple
Speaker 1: times a week. My brother's new girlfriend has come in
Speaker 1: and been kind of controlling with my family, like insisting
Speaker 1: we all get matching pj's when we have never done
Speaker 1: this and it's not our vibe. I just don't really
Speaker 1: like her. On top of that, my mom feels the
Speaker 1: need to include her on all of our girl things.
Speaker 1: There's a part of me that feels like I'm being
Speaker 1: replaced and it just hurts. I know my mom is
Speaker 1: just trying to be kind to her and include her,
Speaker 1: but that doesn't make it easier. We exchange a few
Speaker 1: messages back and forth, and I told her to remember
Speaker 1: that this is also her mom's way of trying to
Speaker 1: make sure that she's not losing her brother in the
Speaker 1: process of his new edition in his life. And I
Speaker 1: also encourage her so she doesn't feel so left out
Speaker 1: to make some plans to just hang out with her
Speaker 1: mom or her dad.
Speaker 2: So she feels like she's getting.
Speaker 1: The time that she wants with her family as well.
Speaker 1: But change is hard.
Speaker 2: There's a lot of change that comes with holidays.
Speaker 1: I know I keep saying that, but there is, and
Speaker 1: it's difficult and changing traditions and things that you only
Speaker 1: know one way. It hurts and it's hard, but it
Speaker 1: is a part of life. Unfortunately, struggles this holiday season.
Speaker 1: And my ex told me in twenty nineteen my daughter
Speaker 1: was one that he wanted a divorce. She's now six,
Speaker 1: and this is her first Christmas with him in a
Speaker 1: way from me, my husband, and her baby brother. I
Speaker 1: think she's handling it well, which makes me so happy,
Speaker 1: but my heart is broken. I feel like I've cried
Speaker 1: every day for weeks. We are doing the best we can,
Speaker 1: but this Christmas won't be the same without her. We
Speaker 1: also exchange some messages and I wanted to tell her
Speaker 1: that I was so proud of her because she went
Speaker 1: into this like she's heartbroken in it. This is the
Speaker 1: most difficult thing she's done in recent memory. But she's
Speaker 1: so strong and so brave, and she loves her daughter
Speaker 1: so much that she's allowing the space for her daughter
Speaker 1: to be elsewhere and be with her ex husband, which
Speaker 1: I'm sure causes some hurt in her. And she loves
Speaker 1: her daughter so much that she's doing it for her
Speaker 1: and how brave and strong is that to do that
Speaker 1: To any parent out there who's doing that this holiday season,
Speaker 1: It's an incredibly difficult thing to do, but you're doing
Speaker 1: it for the better of your child, and that makes
Speaker 1: you an incredible parent. My husband's family always monopolizes our time,
Speaker 1: leaving very little time for my family. When we do
Speaker 1: my time for my family, we're met with a lot
Speaker 1: of complaints and do you really have to go see them?
Speaker 1: The guilty and emotional blackmail is exhausting, and we often
Speaker 1: appease them to avoid it. They cannot and do not
Speaker 1: try and see anyone else's perspective. My family has left
Speaker 1: accommodating his family schedule and they get very little of
Speaker 1: our time. Also never actually on the holiday because his
Speaker 1: family cannot compromise their rigid, toxic traditions. Grateful my family
Speaker 1: is flexible, but sad every year that they get the short.
Speaker 2: End of the stick without complaint.
Speaker 1: This is really tough, right, but I think here you
Speaker 1: have to step up to the plate. If this is
Speaker 1: really bothering you and this is important to you, I
Speaker 1: think you and your husband as a team have to
Speaker 1: put your foot down with his and if he's not.
Speaker 2: Helping in that.
Speaker 1: That's also an issue, Like both of your families are
Speaker 1: very important, and you both deserve to feel loved and
Speaker 1: get to do the things that you want to do
Speaker 1: around the holidays, which I know is hard. And I
Speaker 1: know there's people out there who do one one year
Speaker 1: and one the next, or they try and fit it
Speaker 1: all one year, and there's so many different variations of
Speaker 1: things that they are doing. And is it going to
Speaker 1: be hard for both families, Yes, because doing this is
Speaker 1: insanely difficult when you've only known one way of doing
Speaker 1: your holidays. I imagine that the time will come when
Speaker 1: this happens for me in my life and I meet
Speaker 1: someone and I have to change what I've known for
Speaker 1: theirty plus years, and it's gonna be really fricking hard
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna be really sad. But also, you don't
Speaker 1: deserve to do this every single holiday. You deserve to
Speaker 1: see your family and have the experiences you want to
Speaker 1: experience as well as him getting to have those. So
Speaker 1: communication is everything. And are some people gonna be upset? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm sure based on what you're saying here. So it's
Speaker 1: gonna be hard, but you have to do it like
Speaker 1: this is up to you and your husband to make
Speaker 1: this change, and he's got to be on your side.
Speaker 1: He's got to fight with you because you can't do
Speaker 1: this one alone. And I hope he does for you,
Speaker 1: because you deserve that. I've been going through a toxic,
Speaker 1: emotionally abusive relationship with a trauma bond, so it's been
Speaker 1: really hard to walk away. He broke up with me
Speaker 1: again Sunday. Logically, I know it's for the best. Emotionally,
Speaker 1: it's really hard. Normally I love Christmas and baking. I
Speaker 1: haven't baked in a year, and I want Christmas to pass.
Speaker 1: I don't feel like I can make any food for
Speaker 1: my family, and I really just don't care about Christmas
Speaker 1: this year, which makes me really sad. I've never been
Speaker 1: so sad at Christmas, and it never felt like such
Speaker 1: a task. I'm gonna say this with so much love,
Speaker 1: so so much love. I need you to use this
Speaker 1: holiday season to plan your out. I need you to
Speaker 1: get the strength to leave, because.
Speaker 2: You deserve so much better.
Speaker 1: I know that it feels like you can't walk away.
Speaker 1: I know that it feels like you can fix the situation.
Speaker 1: I know that it feels like it's not an option
Speaker 1: to do better than this, but it is.
Speaker 2: It's so is.
Speaker 1: There's a whole, beautiful life waiting for you out there.
Speaker 1: And I am telling you this from experience. I was
Speaker 1: in in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, and I
Speaker 1: also use the holidays to get out. I'm going to
Speaker 1: share a story here that I haven't shared before. I
Speaker 1: work on the Bobby Bone Show and my boss, Bobby
Speaker 1: was competing on Dancing with the Stars. It was the
Speaker 1: final night we were going to find out if he won
Speaker 1: the Mirror Ball, and I was live tweeting because that
Speaker 1: was my job, was to post on social media. And
Speaker 1: this was a huge, huge night, and I got into
Speaker 1: a fight with my then partner as the show was
Speaker 1: going on, and it had already been horrible, it had
Speaker 1: already gotten really bad, but I had finally reached my
Speaker 1: tipping point, and so he was leaving to go play
Speaker 1: in a game with some of his friends, and I
Speaker 1: was so just totally done and tired and emotionally beat
Speaker 1: up in every way possible. But I still had a
Speaker 1: job in that moment to do, and that was to
Speaker 1: be posting it on social media. So I picked up
Speaker 1: my dog, Remy and because I didn't feel safe in
Speaker 1: my house in that moment, I drove us to Starbucks
Speaker 1: to sit in the parking lot, which sorry Starbucks, I
Speaker 1: did not coin buy anything because I was so out
Speaker 1: of things, but I did take your WiFi for like
Speaker 1: thirty minutes and we sat in the car and I
Speaker 1: live posted the ending of Dancing with the Stars where
Speaker 1: he won, and it was very exciting, and I looked
Speaker 1: at Remy and I just started bawling. I closed my
Speaker 1: computer and I had this moment where I just knew
Speaker 1: that this wasn't an option anymore. I couldn't no longer
Speaker 1: be not safe in my own home, and I couldn't
Speaker 1: not be happy, and I couldn't keep running away, and
Speaker 1: I couldn't keep trying to fix something that I couldn't fix.
Speaker 1: So I went home and he was still gone at
Speaker 1: that time. I threw everything I could find into my
Speaker 1: big suitcase. I was heading out that next day to
Speaker 1: go home for Thanksgiving, which he had also tried to
Speaker 1: talk me out of. He didn't because my family has
Speaker 1: always been incredibly important to me. It is the one
Speaker 1: thing he couldn't pull away from me. And I called
Speaker 1: on my friends and I said I need to stay
Speaker 1: at your house tonight. Can me and Remy come and
Speaker 1: stay over? And of course she allowed it. Who I
Speaker 1: will never forget her for this entire experience. And when
Speaker 1: he got back home and realized that I wasn't there,
Speaker 1: of course I got a multitude of phone calls and
Speaker 1: text messages and threatens to commit suicide if I wouldn't
Speaker 1: come back.
Speaker 2: I eventually had to turn off my phone by the request.
Speaker 1: Of my friend, who was not going to allow me
Speaker 1: to leave once I had finally told her everything that
Speaker 1: had been going on, and so I stayed the night
Speaker 1: at my friend's house, and that next day I flew
Speaker 1: back home to Kansas, and I celebrated Thanksgiving with my
Speaker 1: family with my phone off a lot of the time
Speaker 1: for when I could, and just tried to reset and
Speaker 1: figure out my out, find the way that I was
Speaker 1: going to get out of this safely. I left my
Speaker 1: dog remy home, and it's the longest Roomy and I
Speaker 1: have ever been apart. It was for three weeks. I
Speaker 1: knew I was coming back home for Christmas, and I
Speaker 1: left her with my parents because part of the reason
Speaker 1: I couldn't leave was because I was worried about her safety,
Speaker 1: and I knew taking her out of the equation and
Speaker 1: having her with my family would allow me to then
Speaker 1: take care of myself. So I left her back home
Speaker 1: and I went back.
Speaker 2: And I started getting my out.
Speaker 1: I kicked him out, and I was doing all versions
Speaker 1: of things, and it was for three weeks the most
Speaker 1: miserable time of my life. And every day I was
Speaker 1: waking up worried about if I was going to survive.
Speaker 1: And it was the hardest thing I ever went through.
Speaker 1: So I don't say it lightly. Plan you're out. I
Speaker 1: know that it is hard and it will be the
Speaker 1: hardest thing you do, but I need you to do
Speaker 1: it for you, like you were the thing in this
Speaker 1: that matters. And it sounds like you have family, so
Speaker 1: I need you to lean on them, and I need
Speaker 1: you to go home and do some baking and find
Speaker 1: your way out and start planning it, because this isn't okay.
Speaker 2: Nothing about this is okay.
Speaker 1: And I promise there's a relationship out there waiting for
Speaker 1: you that is safe and full of love, but this
Speaker 1: is not it. So please take this holiday and start planning.
Speaker 1: You'll be so much happier the next holiday, and I
Speaker 1: promise you'll be baking again in no time. Okay, taking
Speaker 1: a deep breath after that one. I wasn't ready to
Speaker 1: share that story today, but I felt like it was
Speaker 1: an important one. I saw your post about the holidays
Speaker 1: being a struggle, and I felt it in my soul.
Speaker 1: I've been single a few years and everyone posting all
Speaker 1: their fun holiday things with their partner, or when everyone
Speaker 1: is busy and you have nothing to do on Christmas
Speaker 1: Eve or New Year's it just always makes me feel
Speaker 1: like such a loser and that I'll be single forever.
Speaker 1: I hope you know you're not a loser in any
Speaker 1: way shape form. You are incredible person whose story just
Speaker 1: hasn't been written yet, and you have a whole life
Speaker 1: ahead of you that doesn't just include a partner. And
Speaker 1: like I constantly tell myself, there's more coming. You know,
Speaker 1: we just haven't entered the best season yet. There's always
Speaker 1: a better season waiting, and I think it's coming for you.
Speaker 1: I think all of the patients and time is waiting
Speaker 1: for the perfect person to come into your life. And
Speaker 1: you're gonna realize why it had to take so long.
Speaker 2: And I get it.
Speaker 1: Everybody's out there doing stuff with their partners and everybody's
Speaker 1: posting pictures and it sucks.
Speaker 2: It sucks, Okay, it sucks.
Speaker 1: Being the single one on social media and you're seeing
Speaker 1: everybody doing all the things that you want to be doing,
Speaker 1: and you want to be in love in Christmas is romantic.
Speaker 2: Trust me, I feel it. You don't think I want
Speaker 2: to be sand by.
Speaker 1: A fire or drinking hot chocolate with the love of
Speaker 1: my life and plotting the rest of our story. I do.
Speaker 1: But I also don't want to take away from what
Speaker 1: my life is now. I don't want to take away
Speaker 1: from what's happening here in this moment, because if there's
Speaker 1: anything I have learned in twenty twenty four, it is
Speaker 1: that I can't keep waiting for the person to show up.
Speaker 1: I have to go out and live my life. And
Speaker 1: they're going to show up if they're meant to. And
Speaker 1: that's what's going to happen for you too, in the
Speaker 1: right time, in the right place. But until that happens,
Speaker 1: no waiting, no more sitting and hurting. In this existence,
Speaker 1: you can feel it. I need you to feel those
Speaker 1: feelings because it's important you do. But every time you
Speaker 1: feel them, I need you to get back up just
Speaker 1: a little bit. Stronger and keep pushing through because you're
Speaker 1: not a loser. You're actually really freaking awesome, and you're
Speaker 1: going to find somebody that knows that. Keeping a secret
Speaker 1: about a medical issue I have don't want it to
Speaker 1: ruin the holidays. If it turns out to not be
Speaker 1: cancer this time, Oh my goodness, that is a heavy,
Speaker 1: heavy burden to carry alone and around the holidays. I
Speaker 1: totally understand why you may want to keep this to yourself,
Speaker 1: but I encourage you to share it with somebody. If
Speaker 1: it's not somebody close in your life, it's maybe a therapist,
Speaker 1: maybe a stranger. I'm glad you told me. I hope
Speaker 1: it helps get it off your chest a little bit
Speaker 1: because I don't like you being alone while this is happening,
Speaker 1: but I respect why you're doing it.
Speaker 2: Just please take care of you too.
Speaker 1: My mom has schizo effective disorder, which is a mix
Speaker 1: of schizophrenia bipolar disorder, and this year she has isolated
Speaker 1: herself completely and.
Speaker 2: We no longer have contact.
Speaker 1: So it'll be the first Christmas where we have no
Speaker 1: contact and will not be exchanging gifts or warm notes.
Speaker 1: I'm so torn between the relationship because she has caused
Speaker 1: me a lot of hurt and damage, but also heartbroken
Speaker 1: that we won't be able to connect her.
Speaker 2: In the holidays.
Speaker 1: And I know I'm just one of many stories like this,
Speaker 1: So thank you for giving me a space to share.
Speaker 2: So difficult.
Speaker 1: It's so difficult when people are experiencing so many things
Speaker 1: of mental health and all you want to do is
Speaker 1: be able to help, and you can't, and all you
Speaker 1: can do is support them and do the.
Speaker 2: Best that you can.
Speaker 1: Also in this situation, I hope you're giving yourself grace
Speaker 1: because I bet you're doing amazing and being supportive and
Speaker 1: as loving as you possibly can be. And maybe something
Speaker 1: that can help is, you know, disconnecting the two, the
Speaker 1: illness and the person, because your mom is not her disorder,
Speaker 1: but it's probably feeling like that way, and I can
Speaker 1: imagine how difficult that probably is for you, especially as
Speaker 1: her daughter. My uncle committed suicide two years before Christmas.
Speaker 1: This year will be twenty nine years and I still
Speaker 1: haven't opened the Christmas present.
Speaker 2: He gave me that year.
Speaker 1: It sits in my closet where I can see it
Speaker 1: every day, and it's still wrapped. It took me until
Speaker 1: I had my daughter to really celebrate Christmas again after
Speaker 1: that we lost them, and to this day it is
Speaker 1: still really hard to do.
Speaker 2: I think it's really brave that it's.
Speaker 1: Really hard to do and yet you're still doing it
Speaker 1: for your daughter. And I can also imagine those feelings
Speaker 1: and experiences that you have every time you see that
Speaker 1: Christmas present. I hope one day that you're able to
Speaker 1: open it and find joy and happiness in it and
Speaker 1: a reminder of him.
Speaker 2: I'm a single mom of teenagers.
Speaker 1: Every Christmas, I make myself sick over not being able
Speaker 1: to provide a big Christmas for them. Then I become
Speaker 1: angry watching their dad do nothing. Then I have so
Speaker 1: much guilt when Christmas is over because I feel like
Speaker 1: I missed the real reason for the season. I think
Speaker 1: there's so many single parents that are struggling to provide
Speaker 1: everything on one income, but they want to make Christmas
Speaker 1: special too. I'm making every effort this year just to
Speaker 1: remember how fortunate I am and that we are a
Speaker 1: family and there's so many other people struggling more than
Speaker 1: we are. I can only imagine the experience of this,
Speaker 1: And like I've mentioned a few times that the single
Speaker 1: parents out there, you guys are You're superhumans. I don't
Speaker 1: know how you guys do what you do, and it's
Speaker 1: incredibly impressive to be showing up in the ways that
Speaker 1: you are, and I'm really proud of you, and I
Speaker 1: know that it's so so hard. I hope that you're
Speaker 1: able to find joy in other ways this season, if
Speaker 1: this is the case for you, in trying to make
Speaker 1: memories versus buying gifts, and I hope that in the
Speaker 1: coming years this gets easier and life finds a way
Speaker 1: to no longer be this difficult for you, because I
Speaker 1: don't think anybody deserves to be experiencing this. Guys, I
Speaker 1: have so many messages, There's so many in here, and
Speaker 1: I really wanted to get to every single one of
Speaker 1: them because I wanted everybody to feel seen and heard,
Speaker 1: and I tried really hard.
Speaker 2: To but there's so many.
Speaker 1: You know, if this has taught me anything, and hopefully
Speaker 1: it's taught also some of you guys this that we
Speaker 1: really aren't alone. We are all facing so so many struggles,
Speaker 1: some similar, some not, but everybody is going through something.
Speaker 1: Everybody is experiencing something this season, and it is important
Speaker 1: more than ever to be kind, to understand, grace and
Speaker 1: understand forgiveness and really try to embody the understanding that
Speaker 1: people are all struggling with something one way or another.
Speaker 1: And I hope people who hear this and you shared
Speaker 1: your stories or you didn't share your story because it
Speaker 1: was too hard, I hope you feel heard.
Speaker 2: I hope you feel seen.
Speaker 1: I hope you feel somebody out there is allowing you
Speaker 1: not to be alone because they're dealing with it too.
Speaker 1: I know that Christmas is a beautiful season, and I
Speaker 1: also know that it's a hard one. And I also
Speaker 1: can recognize that it's also really hard because you want
Speaker 1: to be happy and you hear these stories and you're like, well,
Speaker 1: now I want to be sad.
Speaker 2: You can be both.
Speaker 1: You can be happy and you can experience a wonderful
Speaker 1: holiday season and enjoy and be grateful for everything that
Speaker 1: you have and also understand that there's a lot of
Speaker 1: pain and suffering and heartbreaking the world. And this episode
Speaker 1: isn't meant to make anybody truly feel sad. It's actually
Speaker 1: meant to connect. It's to make us realize that we're
Speaker 1: all going through shit, or all go through some horrible things,
Speaker 1: and life is really hard.
Speaker 2: Being human is hard.
Speaker 1: The season of life is so hard for everybody right now,
Speaker 1: the holidays, the time that we're in everything it's hard.
Speaker 1: People are struggling, people are hurting, and everything you're experiencing,
Speaker 1: the pain, at the heartache, the darkness. You're not alone
Speaker 1: in that feeling. And I really need you to know that.
Speaker 1: I know that it's so scary this time of year,
Speaker 1: and I know that you're probably experiencing so many different emotions.
Speaker 1: I'm proud of you for being here. I'm proud of
Speaker 1: you for pushing through, and I'm proud of you for
Speaker 1: showing up even when it's hard. I also want to
Speaker 1: use this to recognize that we never know the battles
Speaker 1: that people are facing.
Speaker 2: We never know what somebody is going through.
Speaker 1: It's why we should exist in kindness. It's why we
Speaker 1: should treat everybody kindly, every stranger, every person you come
Speaker 1: in contact with.
Speaker 2: That's what all those messages as I was.
Speaker 1: Sitting there reading and reminding me of is there is
Speaker 1: so much experienced hurt in this world. There's so many
Speaker 1: things that people are going through that I may never understand,
Speaker 1: or that I don't understand right now, but I can
Speaker 1: empathize and I can be here and be this safe
Speaker 1: space and a vessel to allow other people to feel seen,
Speaker 1: to share their stories, so that somebody else out there
Speaker 1: having a similar experience doesn't feel alone. Because sometimes when
Speaker 1: we go through things that are really hard, it feels
Speaker 1: very lonely and we feel like nobody else is going
Speaker 1: to get it. But there are people out there that do.
Speaker 1: And I hope any one of you that is listening
Speaker 1: to this and that hurt any of these I hope
Speaker 1: one of them resonated. If you are having a hard season.
Speaker 1: I also want to say that if you're having a
Speaker 1: good season, it's okay to feel sad for other people,
Speaker 1: and it's also okay to be celebrating your joy and
Speaker 1: your happiness. This is where two things can be true
Speaker 1: come into play. You can have a great life, and
Speaker 1: you can have an incredible holiday season.
Speaker 2: You should celebrate and being.
Speaker 1: Happy and having good times is a great human experience.
Speaker 1: It's also true that there are people out there that
Speaker 1: are dealing with a lot of pain and hurt and sadness,
Speaker 1: and you can support them, and you can love them
Speaker 1: and show up for them and still keep your happiness.
Speaker 1: This is why when we exist in the world, we
Speaker 1: should always.
Speaker 2: Be operating in kindness.
Speaker 1: It's truly the testament that we do not know what
Speaker 1: people are going through and we never will.
Speaker 2: And this podcast was not meant to be sad.
Speaker 1: It was not meant to make anybody feel super down.
Speaker 1: It was simply a space for people to vent and
Speaker 1: say this is what's happening to me. Maybe because nobody's listening,
Speaker 1: maybe because they don't feel like they can say it.
Speaker 1: Whatever the case may be, I'm really glad people are
Speaker 1: saying it here, and I'm glad this space could be
Speaker 1: that for people. So please take this as a reminder
Speaker 1: that we're all experiencing life and it's hard and getting
Speaker 1: through it can be tough, but we can and we
Speaker 1: will have seen incredibly strong people go through some horrible
Speaker 1: things and come out stronger on the other side, so
Speaker 1: we can do this. You can do this, And I'm
Speaker 1: really happy you're here, and I'm really happy that you
Speaker 1: trusted me enough to share your stories and share your
Speaker 1: experiences and the struggles, because life.
Speaker 2: Is really fucking hard.
Speaker 1: It's really hard, but we do it every day and
Speaker 1: we continue to in this holiday season. I hope you
Speaker 1: find some glimmers, maybe a tiny one, maybe a baby step,
Speaker 1: or maybe a giant leap, but I do hope you
Speaker 1: find them. Finding them starts with looking for them, and
Speaker 1: you deserve to look for them, even if it's just one.
Speaker 1: So please do what you need to do to take
Speaker 1: care of yourself this season. I love you, stay safe.
Speaker 1: I'm really happy that you're here, and I'm sending everybody
Speaker 1: biggest virtual hugs I can possibly send through a microphone,
Speaker 1: and I hope you feel it. I hope you feel
Speaker 1: the light and when you go out and exist in
Speaker 1: the world this week, with family, with loved ones, with strangers,
Speaker 1: be kind, smile because you never know who needs it.