WEBVTT - Selects: The Science of Break-Ups 0:00:00.840 --> 0:00:03.800 Hey, everybody, it's Josh and for this week's Select, I've 0:00:03.880 --> 0:00:08.240 chosen our twenty nineteen episode on the science of breakups. 0:00:08.720 --> 0:00:13.040 It's just a straight ahead, interesting episode about people and 0:00:13.360 --> 0:00:15.720 what makes us tick. I hope you enjoy it. 0:00:21.079 --> 0:00:28.800 Welcome to Stuff You Should Know, a production of iHeartRadio. 0:00:30.960 --> 0:00:33.520 Hey, and welcome to the podcast. I'm Josh Clark. There's 0:00:33.600 --> 0:00:38.440 Charles w Chuck Bryan over there, there's Jerry Rush Rush Rush, Jerry. 0:00:39.720 --> 0:00:42.720 This is Stuff you Should Know, the breakup edition. 0:00:43.040 --> 0:00:47.640 Right, Three people who you've never broken up with one another? No, 0:00:48.320 --> 0:00:51.720 that's true, the last three great point modern triad. 0:00:53.360 --> 0:00:55.840 Yeah, the tryad. 0:00:56.680 --> 0:01:01.080 So I picked this one out because mainly this is 0:01:01.120 --> 0:01:03.480 a refrain. We get an email a lot. We hear 0:01:03.480 --> 0:01:06.920 from heartbroken people a lot, sure more than you would 0:01:06.920 --> 0:01:10.000 think that are just like, that's so sad. Lots of 0:01:10.000 --> 0:01:12.319 broken hearts up and you you guys have helped me 0:01:12.360 --> 0:01:15.200 with this show as a distraction, which we will learn 0:01:15.240 --> 0:01:18.400 as one of the official ways to get over a breakup. 0:01:18.520 --> 0:01:20.280 Yeah, look over here, Yeah exactly. 0:01:22.360 --> 0:01:24.560 So it just got me thinking about, like, is there 0:01:24.600 --> 0:01:28.880 any science behind breakups and the emotions that go along 0:01:28.920 --> 0:01:32.160 with it. And it turns out there's a lot, like 0:01:32.400 --> 0:01:35.200 a disturbing amount of study has been done. I know 0:01:35.600 --> 0:01:38.000 when you look at it, you're like, oh, man, maybe 0:01:38.160 --> 0:01:41.440 you should have allocated that money toward research toward other things. 0:01:41.520 --> 0:01:45.280 Yeah, like cancer. Yeah, although social psychology couldn't do anything 0:01:45.280 --> 0:01:45.920 about cancer. 0:01:46.280 --> 0:01:48.600 No, And it's you know, it's not like they're like, oh, well, 0:01:48.600 --> 0:01:51.520 we'll just it's all taken from one big pool, so 0:01:51.520 --> 0:01:56.880 we'll just allocate some of this breakup money toward cancer research. 0:01:57.160 --> 0:02:00.520 Sure, it's not. It works, well, you could allocate the money, 0:02:00.520 --> 0:02:04.480 but the mental energy, I guess, is what I'm talking about. 0:02:04.760 --> 0:02:07.440 Yeah, but that was just it seemed like study after study. 0:02:07.480 --> 0:02:12.840 And also we should point out too that I think 0:02:12.919 --> 0:02:14.880 there was one case in here of one study where 0:02:14.880 --> 0:02:18.840 they looked at homosexual couples, But most of this study 0:02:19.040 --> 0:02:25.200 is like cisgendered straight couples. Yeah, through that lens only, 0:02:25.440 --> 0:02:27.520 they're not doing a ton of research outside that. 0:02:27.919 --> 0:02:32.080 I found I found one that, uh that that tracks 0:02:33.760 --> 0:02:37.080 it correlates the likelihood of breaking up to time, and 0:02:37.120 --> 0:02:41.440 they had it broken out by same sex and straight, 0:02:42.560 --> 0:02:46.320 married and unmarried. Those are like the four categories. So 0:02:46.760 --> 0:02:48.679 some people are doing it, sure, but yeah, for the 0:02:48.720 --> 0:02:51.120 most part now. And I think one of the reasons 0:02:51.120 --> 0:02:53.919 why Chuck is a lot of this is from the 0:02:53.960 --> 0:02:58.360 mid two thousand's, early twenty tens. Yeah, and that was, 0:02:58.560 --> 0:03:03.359 you know, was about the last like the tail end 0:03:03.400 --> 0:03:07.679 of that. Now I think it's starting to change, fortunately, right, 0:03:08.280 --> 0:03:13.000 because people of all genders and sexual orientation break up 0:03:13.200 --> 0:03:15.600 and get dumped, and we're here to help all of you. 0:03:16.560 --> 0:03:20.680 So buckle in, grab a hanky, and let's get through this. 0:03:21.600 --> 0:03:23.359 Yeah, I mean, let's we should go ahead and start 0:03:23.360 --> 0:03:26.400 out by saying, I guess that in theory, more people 0:03:26.400 --> 0:03:29.760 are breaking up now because people are generally waiting longer 0:03:29.800 --> 0:03:32.799 to get married. So if you could extrapolate that if 0:03:32.800 --> 0:03:36.280 you're not married for ten more years than let's say 0:03:36.280 --> 0:03:39.160 our parents were, right, then maybe you've gone through a 0:03:39.160 --> 0:03:40.600 couple more breakups along the way. 0:03:40.760 --> 0:03:42.760 Yeah. We should give a shout out to Kristen Conger 0:03:43.040 --> 0:03:47.160 of Unladylike Media Yeah Kongs, who wrote this article our 0:03:47.200 --> 0:03:51.040 old pal, and she points out that that typically means 0:03:51.040 --> 0:03:54.280 that you are going to find somebody who you work 0:03:54.320 --> 0:03:57.520 with rather than rushing into it. But it also, as 0:03:57.520 --> 0:04:00.320 she puts it, like leaves the window open longer for 0:04:00.560 --> 0:04:04.120 heartbreak to be dumped. Yeah, one thing I saw, Chuck. 0:04:04.440 --> 0:04:08.600 This is mind boggling to me. Eighty five percent of people, 0:04:08.720 --> 0:04:14.080 according to this one study, will be dumped in their lifetime, 0:04:14.200 --> 0:04:18.080 will experience being a breakup in their lifetime. That means 0:04:18.240 --> 0:04:22.280 fifteen percent of humanity won't. That is those are some 0:04:22.400 --> 0:04:23.239 interesting people. 0:04:23.520 --> 0:04:26.680 Eight fifteen percent have not had a breakup or been 0:04:26.680 --> 0:04:27.440 broken up with. 0:04:27.640 --> 0:04:30.800 Will not in their lifetime. They're just going to either 0:04:31.160 --> 0:04:35.000 never have a relationship or the first time they're going 0:04:35.080 --> 0:04:36.080 to hit it out of the park. 0:04:36.760 --> 0:04:39.839 But that doesn't mean like or subtle I've never been dumped. 0:04:41.360 --> 0:04:43.560 Yeah, Like they'll never have gone through a breakup. 0:04:43.720 --> 0:04:46.279 But I've been through breakups. I've been the dumper. 0:04:46.480 --> 0:04:48.400 Right, I know what you're saying. No, I believe that 0:04:48.480 --> 0:04:51.960 they will not have experienced a breakup in their lifetime. 0:04:52.040 --> 0:04:53.480 Either way, Well that's great. 0:04:53.520 --> 0:04:55.919 That means they sure, yeah, they met the person that 0:04:55.960 --> 0:04:58.320 they love when they're young, probably again. 0:04:58.480 --> 0:05:00.560 Or it means that they decided to of their life 0:05:00.560 --> 0:05:06.159 alone just fine, right, or or both they like I said, 0:05:06.200 --> 0:05:10.320 they decided like, yeah, I'm just gonna stick with this person. Yeah, 0:05:10.520 --> 0:05:12.120 I don't want to I want to be what I 0:05:12.120 --> 0:05:14.760 don't want to ruin my record, my spotless record. 0:05:15.520 --> 0:05:20.359 I think it's very interesting here that supposedly, and this 0:05:20.560 --> 0:05:24.960 is very hinky how they found this out about the 0:05:25.000 --> 0:05:27.839 spikes and breakups from Like, that's. 0:05:27.720 --> 0:05:31.400 A Facebook data poll, so media doesn't count, social psychology 0:05:31.839 --> 0:05:32.560 doesn't count. 0:05:32.680 --> 0:05:34.640 I agree, But it doesn't make a little bit of sense. 0:05:34.680 --> 0:05:38.919 And I could see this being true that generally dumping 0:05:38.960 --> 0:05:42.440 someone or getting broken up with can happen on any 0:05:42.520 --> 0:05:45.119 day of the year, but there are spikes in early 0:05:45.160 --> 0:05:49.800 December and early March, yeah, because of Christmas holidays and 0:05:49.839 --> 0:05:50.440 spring break. 0:05:50.520 --> 0:05:52.640 Yeah, And technically you could see that being true. There 0:05:52.720 --> 0:05:55.320 has I'm sure it's true at least on Facebook. And yeah, 0:05:55.360 --> 0:05:57.359 this is a pretty big data pull. But it's like, 0:05:58.000 --> 0:05:59.000 that's so lazy. 0:05:59.120 --> 0:06:01.599 It's lazy. But I see it because it's it makes 0:06:01.640 --> 0:06:03.920 a little bit of sense that you would not want 0:06:03.920 --> 0:06:08.159 to go through the holidays with someone that And you 0:06:08.200 --> 0:06:10.160 said a thing too, And this is important to point out, 0:06:10.200 --> 0:06:14.599 like when the breakup happens, when that talk or these 0:06:14.680 --> 0:06:18.280 days text message or phone call happens, it's not okay, 0:06:18.480 --> 0:06:23.960 that is the end of something for maybe both of you, 0:06:24.080 --> 0:06:25.359 but definitely one of you. 0:06:25.960 --> 0:06:28.000 Yeah, sometimes most of the time. 0:06:27.880 --> 0:06:30.840 That that actual act of saying we're breaking up, that's 0:06:30.839 --> 0:06:33.520 at the end of many, many weeks or even months 0:06:33.600 --> 0:06:36.960 or even years of contemplation about whether or not you 0:06:37.000 --> 0:06:38.240 want to still be with this person. 0:06:38.480 --> 0:06:44.120 Right, And that's why being broken up with is almost 0:06:44.160 --> 0:06:48.839 across the board, way harder sure than breaking up because 0:06:48.880 --> 0:06:50.839 by the time, like you said, by the time the 0:06:50.880 --> 0:06:54.840 person who initiates the breakup initiates the breakup is this 0:06:54.880 --> 0:06:57.080 is at the end of a long road of decision making, 0:06:57.440 --> 0:07:00.200 Whereas the other person might have been blissfully unaware or 0:07:00.240 --> 0:07:04.520 at least wilfully ignorant or not willing to address the issues, 0:07:05.080 --> 0:07:08.919 and so they are one way or another largely caught 0:07:08.920 --> 0:07:12.360 off guard by being broken up with. So the person 0:07:12.360 --> 0:07:14.520 who does the breaking up has already gone through all 0:07:14.560 --> 0:07:18.760 these stages of grief of separation, Whereas now it's this person, 0:07:18.880 --> 0:07:21.400 the person who's just been dumped, it's their time to 0:07:21.440 --> 0:07:21.880 go through it. 0:07:22.000 --> 0:07:25.880 Right. So, if you're doing the dumping, like the hour 0:07:26.000 --> 0:07:29.440 after you have that conversation, you're like, what a relief, 0:07:29.520 --> 0:07:32.200 I'm I'm starting over. Let's go get some gin, Whereas 0:07:32.280 --> 0:07:35.680 the dumpy is like, let's go get some gin. That begins, 0:07:36.160 --> 0:07:39.240 that begins their process. Although the only thing I'll take 0:07:39.280 --> 0:07:41.200 issue with that whole line of thought though, is that 0:07:41.960 --> 0:07:45.000 a lot of people, even that might get dumped, aren't 0:07:45.040 --> 0:07:49.320 like what like They may have known and just didn't 0:07:49.360 --> 0:07:51.760 want to admit it or weren't brave enough or strong 0:07:51.840 --> 0:07:52.840 enough to do it themselves. 0:07:52.960 --> 0:07:55.920 Yeah, and I agree with you on that. I think 0:07:56.000 --> 0:08:01.280 that there's still a thread that they had not been 0:08:01.320 --> 0:08:05.040 preparing themselves just by being in SAE denial and willing 0:08:05.080 --> 0:08:09.280 to address it face it. Now they have no choice 0:08:09.280 --> 0:08:12.200 but to face reality, whereas the person who did the 0:08:12.240 --> 0:08:15.480 breakup was like facing reality and coming to terms with 0:08:15.520 --> 0:08:18.520 it quietly, sure, and then now it's your. 0:08:18.400 --> 0:08:21.239 Turn, right, Which brings me back to my original point, 0:08:21.280 --> 0:08:24.600 which is Christmas and spring break make a little bit 0:08:24.640 --> 0:08:28.400 of sense because the person who was desperate to get 0:08:28.400 --> 0:08:30.920 out of a relationship and break up with somebody, they're 0:08:30.960 --> 0:08:33.840 staring at those Christmas holidays and that first week of 0:08:33.880 --> 0:08:36.720 December rolls around, They're like, I gotta do this now 0:08:36.800 --> 0:08:39.199 because I don't want to travel a lot of time 0:08:39.240 --> 0:08:41.480 with this person and go through the whole gift thing, right, 0:08:41.640 --> 0:08:43.760 and the holidays are just it's tough to be in 0:08:43.800 --> 0:08:45.320 a relationship that's a lie. 0:08:45.679 --> 0:08:47.960 Well, it's sure because the holidays, I mean, the holidays 0:08:48.000 --> 0:08:51.960 are so about like connecting and feeling and warmth and 0:08:52.040 --> 0:08:54.040 all that, and if you're faking it or have to 0:08:54.080 --> 0:08:56.960 fake it, you know, some people are like, I'm not 0:08:57.040 --> 0:08:59.880 going through that, no good. I also saw an explanation 0:09:00.320 --> 0:09:03.600 in Harper's Bizarre of All Places that some people may 0:09:03.640 --> 0:09:06.120 do that because of the pressure of coming up with 0:09:06.160 --> 0:09:09.680 a really good gift, sure that the relationship is not 0:09:09.840 --> 0:09:12.760 worth the pressure of coming up with a good gift 0:09:12.800 --> 0:09:15.840 outweighs the value of the relationship to those people. Or 0:09:16.440 --> 0:09:18.800 there are some people who don't want to put their 0:09:19.040 --> 0:09:23.240 significant other through that, so they just break up proactively, right, 0:09:23.600 --> 0:09:26.559 which also means that they didn't value the relationship that 0:09:26.640 --> 0:09:28.800 much either, But at least in their mind, they're not 0:09:28.880 --> 0:09:31.120 doing it for themselves. They're doing it for the other 0:09:31.160 --> 0:09:33.199 person because they don't want to put the other person 0:09:33.240 --> 0:09:36.400 through that pressure of having to get the perfect gift. Yeah. 0:09:36.440 --> 0:09:38.840 I've never had that thing either, where you start dating 0:09:38.880 --> 0:09:41.600 someone and it's like a couple of weeks for their 0:09:41.600 --> 0:09:45.440 birthday or Christmas, and you're and then that pressure of like, 0:09:45.520 --> 0:09:48.160 oh man, how do I play this one? 0:09:48.240 --> 0:09:50.440 You know, a couple after a couple of weeks, Yeah, 0:09:50.559 --> 0:09:51.080 oh yeah. 0:09:51.840 --> 0:09:54.880 This person? But how deep do I go on this 0:09:54.960 --> 0:09:55.640 gift here? 0:09:55.840 --> 0:09:58.040 I don't really know you, So I got you a 0:09:58.360 --> 0:10:01.079 basket of socks. Everyone loves socks. 0:10:01.480 --> 0:10:07.400 So here's an Amazon gift card for thirty eight fifty. 0:10:07.280 --> 0:10:09.800 Right, Yeah, after a couple of weeks, it's a little 0:10:09.920 --> 0:10:12.080 it's a little close. Yeah, I come up with a 0:10:12.080 --> 0:10:13.880 perfect gift, or even be expected to. 0:10:14.480 --> 0:10:17.440 And I did mention breaking up by text or whatever, 0:10:18.120 --> 0:10:21.440 like you would suspect if you were born before nineteen 0:10:21.480 --> 0:10:26.800 seventy five, like myself, you break up in person supposedly 0:10:27.320 --> 0:10:30.520 about seventy four percent of the time. Not bad post 0:10:30.600 --> 0:10:33.720 nineteen eighty four. If you were born less than fifty 0:10:33.720 --> 0:10:35.720 percent of the time, you're going to do that in person. 0:10:36.200 --> 0:10:38.440 And they say generation, Why whatever that is? 0:10:39.080 --> 0:10:41.880 I think it's millennials, is it? I'm pretty sure. 0:10:42.440 --> 0:10:43.240 When did they name them? 0:10:43.440 --> 0:10:43.520 Like? 0:10:43.520 --> 0:10:44.080 Do they know what? 0:10:44.240 --> 0:10:44.320 Like? 0:10:44.760 --> 0:10:46.800 Does my daughter have a generation already? I don't know, 0:10:46.920 --> 0:10:47.440 like a name. 0:10:47.520 --> 0:10:51.160 I'm sure somebody out there is name your daughter's generation. 0:10:50.880 --> 0:10:53.839 I annoying, don't box her in right? 0:10:54.080 --> 0:10:56.440 Well, you got a pigeonhole folks, let her grow. 0:10:56.320 --> 0:10:59.240 Up, be your own person. But if you are jen y, 0:10:59.520 --> 0:11:02.480 you're or likely thirty percent to do it over the phone. 0:11:03.320 --> 0:11:03.440 Uh. 0:11:03.720 --> 0:11:08.000 And of course this says a searing instant message or 0:11:08.040 --> 0:11:10.160 an email. I think these days you would call that 0:11:10.200 --> 0:11:10.640 a text. 0:11:10.720 --> 0:11:16.000 And email is the lowest percent wise and compassion wise 0:11:17.120 --> 0:11:20.320 four percent of people. That's the worst break up by email. 0:11:21.000 --> 0:11:21.720 What was this? 0:11:21.760 --> 0:11:24.000 Pretty bad? Email? Is as bad as it gets? 0:11:24.080 --> 0:11:25.280 Was it sex in the city where it was a 0:11:25.320 --> 0:11:25.920 sticky note? 0:11:26.360 --> 0:11:28.719 No? I don't remember. I feel like the movie or 0:11:28.760 --> 0:11:31.439 the show. I didn't see the movie Sticky Note Break, 0:11:31.480 --> 0:11:31.760 I think. 0:11:31.800 --> 0:11:35.360 So should we take a break? 0:11:35.400 --> 0:11:37.160 Yeah, let's take a break? Man? All right, this is 0:11:37.160 --> 0:12:07.160 going really really well so far. All right, Chuck. So 0:12:07.200 --> 0:12:11.400 we've talked about when people break up, how they break up, 0:12:13.240 --> 0:12:14.400 why do they break up? 0:12:15.440 --> 0:12:19.360 Well, actually, there's one more, okay, I think pretty important 0:12:19.559 --> 0:12:24.720 thing about the how, which is men and women. Women 0:12:24.840 --> 0:12:28.080 tend to present and this sort of makes sense to 0:12:28.480 --> 0:12:33.000 if you want to be stereotypically, you know, stereotypical about it. 0:12:33.400 --> 0:12:35.840 Women tend to present a list of grievances. 0:12:36.880 --> 0:12:38.840 Here's all the things wrong with you both. 0:12:38.679 --> 0:12:43.040 Pretty much, whereas men it's a little more supposedly a 0:12:43.080 --> 0:12:44.160 little more nebulous. 0:12:44.280 --> 0:12:45.280 Where'd the magic go? 0:12:45.640 --> 0:12:46.400 Yeah, there you go. 0:12:46.760 --> 0:12:50.000 That's apparently the difference is as far as like rationale 0:12:50.040 --> 0:12:50.960 for breaking up. 0:12:51.000 --> 0:12:54.280 And these are so macro level and broad and how 0:12:54.280 --> 0:12:57.280 we talk about it. It's a little embarrassing to even do. 0:12:58.480 --> 0:13:01.319 To talk about this stuff. I know I wouldn't do this. 0:13:01.559 --> 0:13:05.400 Women do this right. No, it's absolutely true. That's but 0:13:05.520 --> 0:13:07.760 I feel like when you talk about this, people can 0:13:07.800 --> 0:13:11.080 find themselves in the contours of of all if you 0:13:11.120 --> 0:13:13.720 put all this stuff together, if you just took one 0:13:13.760 --> 0:13:16.840 study and said that this is definitive, people should should 0:13:16.920 --> 0:13:19.600 punch you in the kidney, agreed, but not really don't 0:13:19.600 --> 0:13:23.920 punch anybody. You know, everyone. Over the last almost eleven 0:13:24.000 --> 0:13:26.440 years of stuff, you should know, I've said a lot 0:13:26.480 --> 0:13:29.160 of things that make it sound like I'm inciting people 0:13:29.200 --> 0:13:30.200 to violence. 0:13:29.840 --> 0:13:30.560 Friendly violence. 0:13:30.800 --> 0:13:35.600 I was joking every single time why someone said something. No, 0:13:35.720 --> 0:13:37.920 I just I just want to make sure that everyone 0:13:38.000 --> 0:13:42.520 knows that I was never ever actually serious in saying 0:13:42.880 --> 0:13:45.840 hit somebody in the head with a tag camera or 0:13:45.880 --> 0:13:50.479 punch someone in the kidney. Actually, I'm kidding all the time. 0:13:50.480 --> 0:13:53.840 Except for when you recommend that you pants somebody, and. 0:13:53.960 --> 0:13:57.800 I was kidding even then that's psychological abuse. 0:13:57.960 --> 0:13:58.319 It is. 0:13:58.760 --> 0:14:01.520 It's physical, but it's more psychological than anything. 0:14:01.520 --> 0:14:03.160 You ever been pants in front of people? 0:14:03.840 --> 0:14:06.400 Yes? Really, yes, And I can tell you it's psychological. 0:14:06.400 --> 0:14:10.800 I don't think I've ever been pantsed. Boy, I can't 0:14:10.800 --> 0:14:16.200 imagine anything more horrifying than being pantsed. What's underwear on? 0:14:16.320 --> 0:14:21.040 What? I can confirm that because I can't remember being pantsed. 0:14:21.080 --> 0:14:22.920 I just remember that I have been pants So I 0:14:22.920 --> 0:14:25.200 think I just immediately blocked out everything. 0:14:25.400 --> 0:14:33.000 Yeah, so no story, no story there. Okay, So if 0:14:33.040 --> 0:14:37.680 you get broken up with, you will feel and we're 0:14:37.680 --> 0:14:39.200 going to talk about the science of a lot of 0:14:39.240 --> 0:14:42.720 this because it's very similar to overcoming addictions sometimes but 0:14:43.880 --> 0:14:48.920 of course depression and anxiety, sometimes suicidal. 0:14:48.320 --> 0:14:52.880 Thoughts, sometimes homicide. Oh sure, that's a that's an outcome, 0:14:52.920 --> 0:14:56.720 a worst case outcome. That and suicide of breakups, but 0:14:57.280 --> 0:15:01.640 they are directly related to break That's how bad breakups 0:15:01.640 --> 0:15:01.920 can be. 0:15:02.360 --> 0:15:06.200 Yeah, And apparently, you know when people do write in 0:15:06.240 --> 0:15:09.400 about getting dumped and stuff, I always say, you know, 0:15:09.480 --> 0:15:11.320 it's the most trite thing in the world. But like 0:15:11.400 --> 0:15:14.640 time is the only thing that really helps. Yeah, like 0:15:14.720 --> 0:15:17.360 ice cream and stuff like that is good, but like 0:15:17.720 --> 0:15:23.120 it really does decrease over time. However, in studies, eight 0:15:23.160 --> 0:15:27.000 weeks after being dumped in this study, forty percent of 0:15:27.040 --> 0:15:31.280 people still had signs of clinical depression, and twelve percent 0:15:31.280 --> 0:15:34.640 appeared moderately or severely depressed. So it depends on the 0:15:34.640 --> 0:15:37.320 relationship along you're in it, how much it meant to you, 0:15:37.520 --> 0:15:40.280 what kind of person you are. But it can stick 0:15:40.320 --> 0:15:41.720 around for a bit. 0:15:41.840 --> 0:15:44.920 It can. So the thing is, though, there are things 0:15:44.920 --> 0:15:48.480 you can do to help accelerate the healing process, and 0:15:48.520 --> 0:15:50.920 we'll talk about those at the end. How about that. Okay, 0:15:50.920 --> 0:15:54.880 we'll make y'all wait, all right, So where are we at, Chuck? 0:15:54.880 --> 0:15:56.680 Are we at the well? 0:15:56.720 --> 0:15:59.960 The attachment styles I think is interesting because we did 0:16:00.120 --> 0:16:05.160 talk about like gay, straight, cisgendered, you know, on the 0:16:05.200 --> 0:16:09.960 gender spectrum. Maybe none of that matters. Maybe what matters 0:16:10.160 --> 0:16:13.200 is what they call your attachment styles. 0:16:13.360 --> 0:16:16.080 That's what this says pretty plainly. Tho. Yeah, that's what 0:16:16.160 --> 0:16:16.880 it comes down. 0:16:16.680 --> 0:16:18.520 To, how you attach yourselves to other people. 0:16:18.600 --> 0:16:20.880 You can be a needy, clingy dude. You can be 0:16:21.840 --> 0:16:25.720 a avoidant woman, yeah, or you can be either one 0:16:25.760 --> 0:16:28.160 of those things. Anywhere on the gender spectrum. That's the thing, 0:16:28.400 --> 0:16:30.960 like the idea that women are clinging and men are 0:16:31.000 --> 0:16:36.880 distant is fabled. Yeah, it's at least ham fisted. 0:16:37.200 --> 0:16:40.320 Yeah, I think so. It's sort of that thing in 0:16:40.440 --> 0:16:43.000 social science that bothers me, which is like, you're either 0:16:43.080 --> 0:16:45.800 this or this, right, like one thing or the other. 0:16:45.720 --> 0:16:47.760 And really all you are is a white college student. 0:16:47.800 --> 0:16:48.680 That's what they really mean. 0:16:49.240 --> 0:16:51.200 Yeah, who had a little time on their hands. 0:16:51.080 --> 0:16:52.480 Right, you needed extra credit. 0:16:53.440 --> 0:16:57.360 But there are two supposedly again two things attachment styles, 0:16:57.440 --> 0:17:01.880 anxious attachment and avoidant well attachment. 0:17:01.480 --> 0:17:03.840 Conger points out, like, that's two ends of a spectrum. 0:17:03.960 --> 0:17:06.520 Oh okay, and you can fall somewhere on there. There's 0:17:06.560 --> 0:17:14.480 actually a it's pretty straightforward. It's the OIS, I believe 0:17:14.560 --> 0:17:19.840 or OSI. It's a scale where you pick how your 0:17:20.040 --> 0:17:23.760 relationship is best described by a series of ven diagrams, 0:17:24.760 --> 0:17:27.840 and one circles you, and one circle is your significant other, 0:17:28.320 --> 0:17:32.399 and they're just increasingly together, from just barely touching to 0:17:33.160 --> 0:17:37.240 almost completely merged into one single circle, and you just 0:17:37.320 --> 0:17:40.320 circle the one that best describes your sense of what 0:17:40.359 --> 0:17:45.639 your relationships like, and that supposedly gets your spectrum replacement 0:17:45.800 --> 0:17:48.960 on the spectrum of attachment across. Oh interesting, So it's 0:17:49.040 --> 0:17:51.800 real subjective and self reported, so that is to say, 0:17:51.840 --> 0:17:53.200 not scientific, right. 0:17:53.440 --> 0:18:01.639 Unfortunately, Supposedly two thirds of women initiate divorces, and in 0:18:01.640 --> 0:18:03.680 this article it says that might give them a statistical 0:18:03.800 --> 0:18:06.240 edge over getting over a relationship. 0:18:05.680 --> 0:18:08.359 Because they initiated the breakup, so they've been in the 0:18:08.400 --> 0:18:11.960 process already. Maybe that's what I think she meant. 0:18:12.200 --> 0:18:14.600 I think so, I'm just not so sure that just 0:18:14.640 --> 0:18:18.960 because a woman initiates a divorce, it may have been 0:18:19.000 --> 0:18:24.080 after years of systematic abuse, you know, which may not 0:18:24.160 --> 0:18:27.760 mean like she's so ready to get over this quicker 0:18:27.800 --> 0:18:28.560 than he might be. 0:18:28.760 --> 0:18:31.520 Right, you know, Yeah, No, I mean you can't just 0:18:31.560 --> 0:18:35.800 say it like if X, then Y. With this stuff, 0:18:35.880 --> 0:18:40.560 it's relationship, sir as messy as as humans get. It's 0:18:40.560 --> 0:18:44.320 a relationship. Yeah, that's all you need to say. 0:18:45.240 --> 0:18:47.080 Well, let's talk about the brain a little bit, because 0:18:47.080 --> 0:18:48.960 this is where it does get a little more interesting, 0:18:49.000 --> 0:18:52.720 I think, slightly god slightly more scientific. 0:18:52.840 --> 0:18:53.199 Okay. 0:18:55.080 --> 0:18:58.000 There was a study in twenty eleven by neurologist at 0:18:58.000 --> 0:19:01.560 the Einstein College of Medicine which sounded totally fake, totally, 0:19:01.800 --> 0:19:02.239 but it's not. 0:19:02.520 --> 0:19:04.560 I have sounds made up written down. 0:19:04.960 --> 0:19:05.800 It's in the bronx. 0:19:05.960 --> 0:19:09.360 Yeah, there's also reputable. There were also anthropologists from Rutgers 0:19:09.359 --> 0:19:11.080 in Sunni to legitimize things. 0:19:11.800 --> 0:19:15.360 Oh in this study, if Rutgers is legitimizing things, sure, 0:19:15.440 --> 0:19:16.119 we're in trouble. 0:19:16.160 --> 0:19:20.920 Oh really, is that? Is that? Really? I thought Rutgers 0:19:20.960 --> 0:19:23.000 was all right? Or am I confusing of its toughs? 0:19:23.440 --> 0:19:27.320 Uh? You're probably thinking Princeton, okay, both New Jersey schools. 0:19:27.560 --> 0:19:33.400 I thought Rutgers was the public ivy. Okay, sorry, Rutgers. 0:19:33.440 --> 0:19:35.840 I tried the check back. 0:19:35.960 --> 0:19:38.240 Then they're gonna be so mad at me. I've hung 0:19:38.240 --> 0:19:38.800 out at Rutgers. 0:19:38.800 --> 0:19:40.880 I've been there people, so you know what you're talking about. 0:19:40.880 --> 0:19:42.960 I know exactly what I'm Is it like the Detroit 0:19:43.000 --> 0:19:44.960 of New Jersey colleges or something. 0:19:46.640 --> 0:19:47.480 That's not untrue? 0:19:47.560 --> 0:19:51.920 Okay, all right, you don't disagree, boy, we're gonna. 0:19:51.680 --> 0:19:55.800 Get killed, that's okay. So this study from Einstein College 0:19:55.840 --> 0:20:00.119 of Medicine found that just looking at a photograph of 0:20:00.160 --> 0:20:07.280 an ex partner caused the second somo somatosensory cortex and 0:20:07.320 --> 0:20:13.320 the dorsal posterior insula. Nice geez, and these areas process 0:20:13.359 --> 0:20:16.440 physical discomfort. They start lighting up. The same thing as 0:20:16.440 --> 0:20:19.640 happens is when you get physically injured basically. 0:20:19.359 --> 0:20:23.400 Right like you are in actual, legitimate pain as far 0:20:23.400 --> 0:20:26.080 as your brain is concerned, in the midst of a breakup, 0:20:26.320 --> 0:20:29.119 at least when you're stuck in an MRI machine and 0:20:29.119 --> 0:20:30.840 showing a picture of your recent X. 0:20:30.880 --> 0:20:34.720 Which is a big deal now with social media, because 0:20:34.840 --> 0:20:38.880 every modern article I read about breakups and getting over 0:20:38.920 --> 0:20:43.640 them talked about what a deletrious effect social media will 0:20:43.640 --> 0:20:45.080 have on your recovery process. 0:20:45.200 --> 0:20:46.080 Are you taunting me? 0:20:47.960 --> 0:20:50.280 Because the stuff's everywhere now? It used to be easy. 0:20:50.320 --> 0:20:53.960 You could just throw everything in a shoe box and 0:20:54.280 --> 0:20:57.280 set it on fire and send it down a river 0:20:58.040 --> 0:21:01.520 and a little boat made of rage. Sure, but you 0:21:01.560 --> 0:21:03.359 can't do that anymore because they're everywhere. 0:21:03.520 --> 0:21:07.560 No, but that's that's tip number one from psychologist Guy Wench, 0:21:07.680 --> 0:21:10.760 author of How to Fix a Broken Heart. Stay the 0:21:11.080 --> 0:21:15.040 h off of social media. Do not stalk your ex 0:21:15.119 --> 0:21:18.679 on social do not check in, like just separate. 0:21:19.320 --> 0:21:21.439 I imagine that would be really hard because in the 0:21:21.480 --> 0:21:25.840 old days it was just left to your imagination to 0:21:25.920 --> 0:21:28.879 think about how much fun they were having m with 0:21:29.160 --> 0:21:31.400 You know, now you can see pictures of the nine 0:21:31.480 --> 0:21:36.520 new boyfriends that she has, right, but yeah, you're right now, 0:21:36.800 --> 0:21:38.280 or you know, maybe it helps. 0:21:38.520 --> 0:21:41.479 I'm people, I don't know. I think it's imperative that 0:21:41.520 --> 0:21:45.080 you not do that to help to help, Like, it's 0:21:45.119 --> 0:21:48.320 not like watching them on social media will prevent you 0:21:48.359 --> 0:21:51.119 from ever getting over it. I think no matter what 0:21:51.240 --> 0:21:55.439 you do, you're going to eventually get past this. Sure, 0:21:55.480 --> 0:21:58.159