Speaker 1: Hey, everybody, it's Josh and for this week's Select, I've
Speaker 1: chosen our twenty nineteen episode on the science of breakups.
Speaker 1: It's just a straight ahead, interesting episode about people and
Speaker 1: what makes us tick. I hope you enjoy it.
Speaker 2: Welcome to Stuff You Should Know, a production of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: Hey, and welcome to the podcast. I'm Josh Clark. There's
Speaker 1: Charles w Chuck Bryan over there, there's Jerry Rush Rush Rush, Jerry.
Speaker 1: This is Stuff you Should Know, the breakup edition.
Speaker 2: Right, Three people who you've never broken up with one another? No,
Speaker 2: that's true, the last three great point modern triad.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the tryad.
Speaker 2: So I picked this one out because mainly this is
Speaker 2: a refrain. We get an email a lot. We hear
Speaker 2: from heartbroken people a lot, sure more than you would
Speaker 2: think that are just like, that's so sad. Lots of
Speaker 2: broken hearts up and you you guys have helped me
Speaker 2: with this show as a distraction, which we will learn
Speaker 2: as one of the official ways to get over a breakup.
Speaker 1: Yeah, look over here, Yeah exactly.
Speaker 2: So it just got me thinking about, like, is there
Speaker 2: any science behind breakups and the emotions that go along
Speaker 2: with it. And it turns out there's a lot, like
Speaker 2: a disturbing amount of study has been done. I know
Speaker 2: when you look at it, you're like, oh, man, maybe
Speaker 2: you should have allocated that money toward research toward other things.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like cancer. Yeah, although social psychology couldn't do anything
Speaker 1: about cancer.
Speaker 2: No, And it's you know, it's not like they're like, oh, well,
Speaker 2: we'll just it's all taken from one big pool, so
Speaker 2: we'll just allocate some of this breakup money toward cancer research.
Speaker 1: Sure, it's not. It works, well, you could allocate the money,
Speaker 1: but the mental energy, I guess, is what I'm talking about.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but that was just it seemed like study after study.
Speaker 2: And also we should point out too that I think
Speaker 2: there was one case in here of one study where
Speaker 2: they looked at homosexual couples, But most of this study
Speaker 2: is like cisgendered straight couples. Yeah, through that lens only,
Speaker 2: they're not doing a ton of research outside that.
Speaker 1: I found I found one that, uh that that tracks
Speaker 1: it correlates the likelihood of breaking up to time, and
Speaker 1: they had it broken out by same sex and straight,
Speaker 1: married and unmarried. Those are like the four categories. So
Speaker 1: some people are doing it, sure, but yeah, for the
Speaker 1: most part now. And I think one of the reasons
Speaker 1: why Chuck is a lot of this is from the
Speaker 1: mid two thousand's, early twenty tens. Yeah, and that was,
Speaker 1: you know, was about the last like the tail end
Speaker 1: of that. Now I think it's starting to change, fortunately, right,
Speaker 1: because people of all genders and sexual orientation break up
Speaker 1: and get dumped, and we're here to help all of you.
Speaker 1: So buckle in, grab a hanky, and let's get through this.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, let's we should go ahead and start
Speaker 2: out by saying, I guess that in theory, more people
Speaker 2: are breaking up now because people are generally waiting longer
Speaker 2: to get married. So if you could extrapolate that if
Speaker 2: you're not married for ten more years than let's say
Speaker 2: our parents were, right, then maybe you've gone through a
Speaker 2: couple more breakups along the way.
Speaker 1: Yeah. We should give a shout out to Kristen Conger
Speaker 1: of Unladylike Media Yeah Kongs, who wrote this article our
Speaker 1: old pal, and she points out that that typically means
Speaker 1: that you are going to find somebody who you work
Speaker 1: with rather than rushing into it. But it also, as
Speaker 1: she puts it, like leaves the window open longer for
Speaker 1: heartbreak to be dumped. Yeah, one thing I saw, Chuck.
Speaker 1: This is mind boggling to me. Eighty five percent of people,
Speaker 1: according to this one study, will be dumped in their lifetime,
Speaker 1: will experience being a breakup in their lifetime. That means
Speaker 1: fifteen percent of humanity won't. That is those are some
Speaker 1: interesting people.
Speaker 2: Eight fifteen percent have not had a breakup or been
Speaker 2: broken up with.
Speaker 1: Will not in their lifetime. They're just going to either
Speaker 1: never have a relationship or the first time they're going
Speaker 1: to hit it out of the park.
Speaker 2: But that doesn't mean like or subtle I've never been dumped.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like they'll never have gone through a breakup.
Speaker 2: But I've been through breakups. I've been the dumper.
Speaker 1: Right, I know what you're saying. No, I believe that
Speaker 1: they will not have experienced a breakup in their lifetime.
Speaker 1: Either way, Well that's great.
Speaker 2: That means they sure, yeah, they met the person that
Speaker 2: they love when they're young, probably again.
Speaker 1: Or it means that they decided to of their life
Speaker 1: alone just fine, right, or or both they like I said,
Speaker 1: they decided like, yeah, I'm just gonna stick with this person. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't want to I want to be what I
Speaker 1: don't want to ruin my record, my spotless record.
Speaker 2: I think it's very interesting here that supposedly, and this
Speaker 2: is very hinky how they found this out about the
Speaker 2: spikes and breakups from Like, that's.
Speaker 1: A Facebook data poll, so media doesn't count, social psychology
Speaker 1: doesn't count.
Speaker 2: I agree, But it doesn't make a little bit of sense.
Speaker 2: And I could see this being true that generally dumping
Speaker 2: someone or getting broken up with can happen on any
Speaker 2: day of the year, but there are spikes in early
Speaker 2: December and early March, yeah, because of Christmas holidays and
Speaker 2: spring break.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And technically you could see that being true. There
Speaker 1: has I'm sure it's true at least on Facebook. And yeah,
Speaker 1: this is a pretty big data pull. But it's like,
Speaker 1: that's so lazy.
Speaker 2: It's lazy. But I see it because it's it makes
Speaker 2: a little bit of sense that you would not want
Speaker 2: to go through the holidays with someone that And you
Speaker 2: said a thing too, And this is important to point out,
Speaker 2: like when the breakup happens, when that talk or these
Speaker 2: days text message or phone call happens, it's not okay,
Speaker 2: that is the end of something for maybe both of you,
Speaker 2: but definitely one of you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, sometimes most of the time.
Speaker 2: That that actual act of saying we're breaking up, that's
Speaker 2: at the end of many, many weeks or even months
Speaker 2: or even years of contemplation about whether or not you
Speaker 2: want to still be with this person.
Speaker 1: Right, And that's why being broken up with is almost
Speaker 1: across the board, way harder sure than breaking up because
Speaker 1: by the time, like you said, by the time the
Speaker 1: person who initiates the breakup initiates the breakup is this
Speaker 1: is at the end of a long road of decision making,
Speaker 1: Whereas the other person might have been blissfully unaware or
Speaker 1: at least wilfully ignorant or not willing to address the issues,
Speaker 1: and so they are one way or another largely caught
Speaker 1: off guard by being broken up with. So the person
Speaker 1: who does the breaking up has already gone through all
Speaker 1: these stages of grief of separation, Whereas now it's this person,
Speaker 1: the person who's just been dumped, it's their time to
Speaker 1: go through it.
Speaker 2: Right. So, if you're doing the dumping, like the hour
Speaker 2: after you have that conversation, you're like, what a relief,
Speaker 2: I'm I'm starting over. Let's go get some gin, Whereas
Speaker 2: the dumpy is like, let's go get some gin. That begins,
Speaker 2: that begins their process. Although the only thing I'll take
Speaker 2: issue with that whole line of thought though, is that
Speaker 2: a lot of people, even that might get dumped, aren't
Speaker 2: like what like They may have known and just didn't
Speaker 2: want to admit it or weren't brave enough or strong
Speaker 2: enough to do it themselves.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I agree with you on that. I think
Speaker 1: that there's still a thread that they had not been
Speaker 1: preparing themselves just by being in SAE denial and willing
Speaker 1: to address it face it. Now they have no choice
Speaker 1: but to face reality, whereas the person who did the
Speaker 1: breakup was like facing reality and coming to terms with
Speaker 1: it quietly, sure, and then now it's your.
Speaker 2: Turn, right, Which brings me back to my original point,
Speaker 2: which is Christmas and spring break make a little bit
Speaker 2: of sense because the person who was desperate to get
Speaker 2: out of a relationship and break up with somebody, they're
Speaker 2: staring at those Christmas holidays and that first week of
Speaker 2: December rolls around, They're like, I gotta do this now
Speaker 2: because I don't want to travel a lot of time
Speaker 2: with this person and go through the whole gift thing, right,
Speaker 2: and the holidays are just it's tough to be in
Speaker 2: a relationship that's a lie.
Speaker 1: Well, it's sure because the holidays, I mean, the holidays
Speaker 1: are so about like connecting and feeling and warmth and
Speaker 1: all that, and if you're faking it or have to
Speaker 1: fake it, you know, some people are like, I'm not
Speaker 1: going through that, no good. I also saw an explanation
Speaker 1: in Harper's Bizarre of All Places that some people may
Speaker 1: do that because of the pressure of coming up with
Speaker 1: a really good gift, sure that the relationship is not
Speaker 1: worth the pressure of coming up with a good gift
Speaker 1: outweighs the value of the relationship to those people. Or
Speaker 1: there are some people who don't want to put their
Speaker 1: significant other through that, so they just break up proactively, right,
Speaker 1: which also means that they didn't value the relationship that
Speaker 1: much either, But at least in their mind, they're not
Speaker 1: doing it for themselves. They're doing it for the other
Speaker 1: person because they don't want to put the other person
Speaker 1: through that pressure of having to get the perfect gift. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I've never had that thing either, where you start dating
Speaker 2: someone and it's like a couple of weeks for their
Speaker 2: birthday or Christmas, and you're and then that pressure of like,
Speaker 2: oh man, how do I play this one?
Speaker 1: You know, a couple after a couple of weeks, Yeah,
Speaker 1: oh yeah.
Speaker 2: This person? But how deep do I go on this
Speaker 2: gift here?
Speaker 1: I don't really know you, So I got you a
Speaker 1: basket of socks. Everyone loves socks.
Speaker 2: So here's an Amazon gift card for thirty eight fifty.
Speaker 1: Right, Yeah, after a couple of weeks, it's a little
Speaker 1: it's a little close. Yeah, I come up with a
Speaker 1: perfect gift, or even be expected to.
Speaker 2: And I did mention breaking up by text or whatever,
Speaker 2: like you would suspect if you were born before nineteen
Speaker 2: seventy five, like myself, you break up in person supposedly
Speaker 2: about seventy four percent of the time. Not bad post
Speaker 2: nineteen eighty four. If you were born less than fifty
Speaker 2: percent of the time, you're going to do that in person.
Speaker 2: And they say generation, Why whatever that is?
Speaker 1: I think it's millennials, is it? I'm pretty sure.
Speaker 2: When did they name them?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: Do they know what?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: Does my daughter have a generation already? I don't know,
Speaker 2: like a name.
Speaker 1: I'm sure somebody out there is name your daughter's generation.
Speaker 2: I annoying, don't box her in right?
Speaker 1: Well, you got a pigeonhole folks, let her grow.
Speaker 2: Up, be your own person. But if you are jen y,
Speaker 2: you're or likely thirty percent to do it over the phone.
Speaker 1: Uh.
Speaker 2: And of course this says a searing instant message or
Speaker 2: an email. I think these days you would call that
Speaker 2: a text.
Speaker 1: And email is the lowest percent wise and compassion wise
Speaker 1: four percent of people. That's the worst break up by email.
Speaker 2: What was this?
Speaker 1: Pretty bad? Email? Is as bad as it gets?
Speaker 2: Was it sex in the city where it was a
Speaker 2: sticky note?
Speaker 1: No? I don't remember. I feel like the movie or
Speaker 1: the show. I didn't see the movie Sticky Note Break,
Speaker 1: I think.
Speaker 2: So should we take a break?
Speaker 1: Yeah, let's take a break? Man? All right, this is
Speaker 1: going really really well so far. All right, Chuck. So
Speaker 1: we've talked about when people break up, how they break up,
Speaker 1: why do they break up?
Speaker 2: Well, actually, there's one more, okay, I think pretty important
Speaker 2: thing about the how, which is men and women. Women
Speaker 2: tend to present and this sort of makes sense to
Speaker 2: if you want to be stereotypically, you know, stereotypical about it.
Speaker 2: Women tend to present a list of grievances.
Speaker 1: Here's all the things wrong with you both.
Speaker 2: Pretty much, whereas men it's a little more supposedly a
Speaker 2: little more nebulous.
Speaker 1: Where'd the magic go?
Speaker 2: Yeah, there you go.
Speaker 1: That's apparently the difference is as far as like rationale
Speaker 1: for breaking up.
Speaker 2: And these are so macro level and broad and how
Speaker 2: we talk about it. It's a little embarrassing to even do.
Speaker 1: To talk about this stuff. I know I wouldn't do this.
Speaker 1: Women do this right. No, it's absolutely true. That's but
Speaker 1: I feel like when you talk about this, people can
Speaker 1: find themselves in the contours of of all if you
Speaker 1: put all this stuff together, if you just took one
Speaker 1: study and said that this is definitive, people should should
Speaker 1: punch you in the kidney, agreed, but not really don't
Speaker 1: punch anybody. You know, everyone. Over the last almost eleven
Speaker 1: years of stuff, you should know, I've said a lot
Speaker 1: of things that make it sound like I'm inciting people
Speaker 1: to violence.
Speaker 2: Friendly violence.
Speaker 1: I was joking every single time why someone said something. No,
Speaker 1: I just I just want to make sure that everyone
Speaker 1: knows that I was never ever actually serious in saying
Speaker 1: hit somebody in the head with a tag camera or
Speaker 1: punch someone in the kidney. Actually, I'm kidding all the time.
Speaker 2: Except for when you recommend that you pants somebody, and.
Speaker 1: I was kidding even then that's psychological abuse.
Speaker 2: It is.
Speaker 1: It's physical, but it's more psychological than anything.
Speaker 2: You ever been pants in front of people?
Speaker 1: Yes? Really, yes, And I can tell you it's psychological.
Speaker 2: I don't think I've ever been pantsed. Boy, I can't
Speaker 2: imagine anything more horrifying than being pantsed. What's underwear on?
Speaker 1: What? I can confirm that because I can't remember being pantsed.
Speaker 1: I just remember that I have been pants So I
Speaker 1: think I just immediately blocked out everything.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so no story, no story there. Okay, So if
Speaker 2: you get broken up with, you will feel and we're
Speaker 2: going to talk about the science of a lot of
Speaker 2: this because it's very similar to overcoming addictions sometimes but
Speaker 2: of course depression and anxiety, sometimes suicidal.
Speaker 1: Thoughts, sometimes homicide. Oh sure, that's a that's an outcome,
Speaker 1: a worst case outcome. That and suicide of breakups, but
Speaker 1: they are directly related to break That's how bad breakups
Speaker 1: can be.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And apparently, you know when people do write in
Speaker 2: about getting dumped and stuff, I always say, you know,
Speaker 2: it's the most trite thing in the world. But like
Speaker 2: time is the only thing that really helps. Yeah, like
Speaker 2: ice cream and stuff like that is good, but like
Speaker 2: it really does decrease over time. However, in studies, eight
Speaker 2: weeks after being dumped in this study, forty percent of
Speaker 2: people still had signs of clinical depression, and twelve percent
Speaker 2: appeared moderately or severely depressed. So it depends on the
Speaker 2: relationship along you're in it, how much it meant to you,
Speaker 2: what kind of person you are. But it can stick
Speaker 2: around for a bit.
Speaker 1: It can. So the thing is, though, there are things
Speaker 1: you can do to help accelerate the healing process, and
Speaker 1: we'll talk about those at the end. How about that. Okay,
Speaker 1: we'll make y'all wait, all right, So where are we at, Chuck?
Speaker 1: Are we at the well?
Speaker 2: The attachment styles I think is interesting because we did
Speaker 2: talk about like gay, straight, cisgendered, you know, on the
Speaker 2: gender spectrum. Maybe none of that matters. Maybe what matters
Speaker 2: is what they call your attachment styles.
Speaker 1: That's what this says pretty plainly. Tho. Yeah, that's what
Speaker 1: it comes down.
Speaker 2: To, how you attach yourselves to other people.
Speaker 1: You can be a needy, clingy dude. You can be
Speaker 1: a avoidant woman, yeah, or you can be either one
Speaker 1: of those things. Anywhere on the gender spectrum. That's the thing,
Speaker 1: like the idea that women are clinging and men are
Speaker 1: distant is fabled. Yeah, it's at least ham fisted.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think so. It's sort of that thing in
Speaker 2: social science that bothers me, which is like, you're either
Speaker 2: this or this, right, like one thing or the other.
Speaker 1: And really all you are is a white college student.
Speaker 1: That's what they really mean.
Speaker 2: Yeah, who had a little time on their hands.
Speaker 1: Right, you needed extra credit.
Speaker 2: But there are two supposedly again two things attachment styles,
Speaker 2: anxious attachment and avoidant well attachment.
Speaker 1: Conger points out, like, that's two ends of a spectrum.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, and you can fall somewhere on there. There's
Speaker 1: actually a it's pretty straightforward. It's the OIS, I believe
Speaker 1: or OSI. It's a scale where you pick how your
Speaker 1: relationship is best described by a series of ven diagrams,
Speaker 1: and one circles you, and one circle is your significant other,
Speaker 1: and they're just increasingly together, from just barely touching to
Speaker 1: almost completely merged into one single circle, and you just
Speaker 1: circle the one that best describes your sense of what
Speaker 1: your relationships like, and that supposedly gets your spectrum replacement
Speaker 1: on the spectrum of attachment across. Oh interesting, So it's
Speaker 1: real subjective and self reported, so that is to say,
Speaker 1: not scientific, right.
Speaker 2: Unfortunately, Supposedly two thirds of women initiate divorces, and in
Speaker 2: this article it says that might give them a statistical
Speaker 2: edge over getting over a relationship.
Speaker 1: Because they initiated the breakup, so they've been in the
Speaker 1: process already. Maybe that's what I think she meant.
Speaker 2: I think so, I'm just not so sure that just
Speaker 2: because a woman initiates a divorce, it may have been
Speaker 2: after years of systematic abuse, you know, which may not
Speaker 2: mean like she's so ready to get over this quicker
Speaker 2: than he might be.
Speaker 1: Right, you know, Yeah, No, I mean you can't just
Speaker 1: say it like if X, then Y. With this stuff,
Speaker 1: it's relationship, sir as messy as as humans get. It's
Speaker 1: a relationship. Yeah, that's all you need to say.
Speaker 2: Well, let's talk about the brain a little bit, because
Speaker 2: this is where it does get a little more interesting,
Speaker 2: I think, slightly god slightly more scientific.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 2: There was a study in twenty eleven by neurologist at
Speaker 2: the Einstein College of Medicine which sounded totally fake, totally,
Speaker 2: but it's not.
Speaker 1: I have sounds made up written down.
Speaker 2: It's in the bronx.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's also reputable. There were also anthropologists from Rutgers
Speaker 1: in Sunni to legitimize things.
Speaker 2: Oh in this study, if Rutgers is legitimizing things, sure,
Speaker 2: we're in trouble.
Speaker 1: Oh really, is that? Is that? Really? I thought Rutgers
Speaker 1: was all right? Or am I confusing of its toughs?
Speaker 2: Uh? You're probably thinking Princeton, okay, both New Jersey schools.
Speaker 1: I thought Rutgers was the public ivy. Okay, sorry, Rutgers.
Speaker 1: I tried the check back.
Speaker 2: Then they're gonna be so mad at me. I've hung
Speaker 2: out at Rutgers.
Speaker 1: I've been there people, so you know what you're talking about.
Speaker 1: I know exactly what I'm Is it like the Detroit
Speaker 1: of New Jersey colleges or something.
Speaker 2: That's not untrue?
Speaker 1: Okay, all right, you don't disagree, boy, we're gonna.
Speaker 2: Get killed, that's okay. So this study from Einstein College
Speaker 2: of Medicine found that just looking at a photograph of
Speaker 2: an ex partner caused the second somo somatosensory cortex and
Speaker 2: the dorsal posterior insula. Nice geez, and these areas process
Speaker 2: physical discomfort. They start lighting up. The same thing as
Speaker 2: happens is when you get physically injured basically.
Speaker 1: Right like you are in actual, legitimate pain as far
Speaker 1: as your brain is concerned, in the midst of a breakup,
Speaker 1: at least when you're stuck in an MRI machine and
Speaker 1: showing a picture of your recent X.
Speaker 2: Which is a big deal now with social media, because
Speaker 2: every modern article I read about breakups and getting over
Speaker 2: them talked about what a deletrious effect social media will
Speaker 2: have on your recovery process.
Speaker 1: Are you taunting me?
Speaker 2: Because the stuff's everywhere now? It used to be easy.
Speaker 2: You could just throw everything in a shoe box and
Speaker 2: set it on fire and send it down a river
Speaker 2: and a little boat made of rage. Sure, but you
Speaker 2: can't do that anymore because they're everywhere.
Speaker 1: No, but that's that's tip number one from psychologist Guy Wench,
Speaker 1: author of How to Fix a Broken Heart. Stay the
Speaker 1: h off of social media. Do not stalk your ex
Speaker 1: on social do not check in, like just separate.
Speaker 2: I imagine that would be really hard because in the
Speaker 2: old days it was just left to your imagination to
Speaker 2: think about how much fun they were having m with
Speaker 2: You know, now you can see pictures of the nine
Speaker 2: new boyfriends that she has, right, but yeah, you're right now,
Speaker 2: or you know, maybe it helps.
Speaker 1: I'm people, I don't know. I think it's imperative that
Speaker 1: you not do that to help to help, Like, it's
Speaker 1: not like watching them on social media will prevent you
Speaker 1: from ever getting over it. I think no matter what
Speaker 1: you do, you're going to eventually get past this. Sure,
Speaker 1: but all you're doing is prolonging the process, and that
Speaker 1: like unnecessarily.
Speaker 2: Yeah. And then also when you were on the fMRI
Speaker 2: machine and they did brain scans from people who had
Speaker 2: been broken up with recently, they found that very much
Speaker 2: similar to people overcoming like an addiction to cocaine, and
Speaker 2: that that same circuitry is of overcoming addiction is just
Speaker 2: lighting up. It's that potent.
Speaker 1: Yeah. So so far with this MRI study from Albert
Speaker 1: Einstein came up with is that you were in physical
Speaker 1: pain from the breakup. Huh, And you're the same centers
Speaker 1: that are activated by addiction. Cravings withdrawals are activated by
Speaker 1: the breakup as well. That's astounding.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And this weird mental cycle happens basically when you
Speaker 2: do look at like a photograph of a what they
Speaker 2: say a former lover.
Speaker 1: You're right, like the burger king laying rug pair skin rug.
Speaker 2: But you will, you'll see the photo. And the weird
Speaker 2: thing is you'll immediately get a reward. You will get
Speaker 2: a dopamine hit, like a pleasurable feeling by seeing this person.
Speaker 1: And then you realize, oh wait, well then you.
Speaker 2: Get sad all right immediately afterward, and then that sagnus sagnus,
Speaker 2: Where did that come from?
Speaker 1: It is a little saggy feeling.
Speaker 2: That triggers the brain's ventral tegmental area and the nucleus
Speaker 2: acumen bins acumen bins.
Speaker 1: I think, so, I know we've run into that before.
Speaker 1: We just talk about the brain a lot more human beins.
Speaker 2: I think we figured out the brain though, right, so
Speaker 2: we stopped.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we were like done.
Speaker 2: But these two things working together, regardless of how I
Speaker 2: mispronounced them, they trigger the urge to see that person.
Speaker 2: So you get sad, and then your brain lights up
Speaker 2: in two areas and then you go, hey, I remember
Speaker 2: that dopamine hit you get from looking this picture. Why
Speaker 2: don't you just give them a call and see what's
Speaker 2: going on?
Speaker 1: Right? You want the real stuff? Go go get home.
Speaker 1: They also those two areas apparently also are analytical as
Speaker 1: well well. So they're responsible for rehashing the relationship, but
Speaker 1: apparently they're not very realistic because most people, when rehashing
Speaker 1: the relationship, highlight the good parts and forget about all
Speaker 1: the bad parts.
Speaker 2: I kind of have tended to do that, I think
Speaker 2: everybody does.
Speaker 1: I don't understand why. I don't know.
Speaker 2: I don't agree with that. Like Emily, and we of
Speaker 2: course been married so long the subject never comes up anymore.
Speaker 2: But I was always like, oh, with the old girlfriend,
Speaker 2: what was so bad there? And then if I really
Speaker 2: thought about it, I would remember where She's always like,
Speaker 2: oh that was awful?
Speaker 1: Oh really? Yeah, gotcha? Well she's smart.
Speaker 2: Yeah maybe so and I'm not dumb dumb so but okay.
Speaker 1: So even and you're not dumb dumb, even if like
Speaker 1: you represent a third of people or a half of
Speaker 1: people who do when rehashing, only think about the good
Speaker 1: stuff and forget about all the negative stuff, like what
Speaker 1: is that? Why does that even happen? It's bizarre if
Speaker 1: you think about.
Speaker 2: The personality thing. What if I tend to be optimistic? Maybe?
Speaker 1: Or yeah, yeah, I guess that's a pretty good explanation
Speaker 1: to tell you the truth. What I was going to
Speaker 1: say is if you look at relationships or romantic love
Speaker 1: sure as an evolutionary drive to pair and mate sure
Speaker 1: successfully over and over again, and to stay together, that
Speaker 1: would bring you back to this person that you've already
Speaker 1: connected with, rather than making you go look for another mate.
Speaker 2: That makes sense.
Speaker 1: So maybe it's kind of like a backstop or fail
Speaker 1: safe for breakups evolutionarily speaking.
Speaker 2: Right, Like I was so close to having nine babies,
Speaker 2: Like I really want to start all over again.
Speaker 1: Right right, Which is funny because that means that Emily's
Speaker 1: more evolved than you in that sense.
Speaker 2: Yeah, in every sense, that's awesome. But the end of
Speaker 2: that mental cycle, basically, though, is those areas light up
Speaker 2: that say go back and see that person. Then you
Speaker 2: are immediately unsatisfied and about the fact that that's not happening.
Speaker 2: That's when your pre frontal cortex trips into gear and
Speaker 2: that's when you get angry. And it's just that mental
Speaker 2: cycle that starts seeing that photo on a social media
Speaker 2: platform and ending up upset ye in the end.
Speaker 1: But the same study led by Helen Fisher, found that
Speaker 1: after over time, the same process is greatly degraded. Sure,
Speaker 1: I think they did a follow up in well months,
Speaker 1: Conger says, found that the whole process and all of
Speaker 1: the neurochemicals and the brain regions are much less active,
Speaker 1: which again, just time, give it.
Speaker 2: Time, right. But if you don't give it time and
Speaker 2: you do the thing where you do get back together,
Speaker 2: that can be great, you know, it's sometimes you can
Speaker 2: work it out and people can change.
Speaker 1: But there's a big caveat there.
Speaker 2: Well, right, go ahead, no no, no, no, you say yours okay,
Speaker 2: because I think I'm talking about something else.
Speaker 1: So what I saw was that if you get back together,
Speaker 1: rather than saying like this is a fresh start, we're
Speaker 1: going to try this over again, we're going to really
Speaker 1: make a go of it. If you do that, all
Speaker 1: you're going to do is just walk right back into
Speaker 1: the same pitfalls and pratfalls, because the separation probably did
Speaker 1: nothing or virtually nothing to your individual personalities, which are
Speaker 1: the source of all of your conflicts. So it's not
Speaker 1: like you just magically worked your conflicts out and you're
Speaker 1: getting back together and everything's fine. That's just a charade.
Speaker 1: But if you get back together and say I decided
Speaker 1: I love you the way you are and I don't
Speaker 1: want to be away from you, and I just accept
Speaker 1: you for you, and I accept our relationship with all
Speaker 1: of its problems. You're probably going to have a successful
Speaker 1: reunion if you go into it like all of our
Speaker 1: problems are solved because we broke up. You're just going
Speaker 1: to do the same thing again down the line. Apparently
Speaker 1: a fairly frequent thing that something like sixty percent or
Speaker 1: some crazy percentage of younger the younger generation generation. Why,
Speaker 1: I guess the process of breaking up the majority of
Speaker 1: them that breakup involves getting back together multiple times, not
Speaker 1: just once. Yeah, so you're getting back together and just
Speaker 1: going through the same pattern. I think there's a field
Speaker 1: of thought in psychology called scripts. These are scripts that
Speaker 1: we're playing out one another's scripts, and if you don't
Speaker 1: alter the script, you're going to go through the same
Speaker 1: script over and over again. You're working out the same
Speaker 1: things from your past or from your childhood against one another,
Speaker 1: and you're not doing it the right way. So all
Speaker 1: you're doing is creating conflict. And that doesn't just magically
Speaker 1: go away because you spend a couple of months apart.
Speaker 1: You have to just say i'd love you for who
Speaker 1: you are, and we're going to just keep going.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think what I was going to say was,
Speaker 2: don't they think though that that also depends on just
Speaker 2: what kind of person you are in terms of thinking,
Speaker 2: either people can really make substantial change in their lives
Speaker 2: or they can't.
Speaker 1: That's how how you deal with a breakup, which we'll
Speaker 1: talk about in a minute.
Speaker 2: That sounds like a good place for a break I.
Speaker 1: Think so too, all right.
Speaker 2: Before we get to that what we were just talking
Speaker 2: about before the split. This is one piece of data
Speaker 2: from the same sex couple community. Supposedly from studies, they
Speaker 2: do think that same sex couples are better at staying friends.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I saw that after a breakup, which.
Speaker 1: Particularly lesbian couples. Yeah, and then gay men and then
Speaker 1: straight couples are.
Speaker 2: Like, forget about it so long. Yeah, it's an interesting thing.
Speaker 2: Can you really be friends after? And it all depends
Speaker 2: on how intense and how long and how kind of
Speaker 2: a person you are. But yeah, it's interesting when I
Speaker 2: meet people that legitimately are friends with people that they
Speaker 2: seriously dated years later.
Speaker 1: It's pretty rare, I think. Actually I think it's too.
Speaker 1: I think it seems less rare because you see it
Speaker 1: on like TV shows, A lot, you know, and it's
Speaker 1: also almost aspirational, like, oh, look at how like how
Speaker 1: laid back and like with these people are that they
Speaker 1: can be friends after this, you know. I think it's
Speaker 1: pretty rare, actually, I think it's an idealized form, right,
Speaker 1: because people like to you like to think that like
Speaker 1: you're on good terms with everybody in your life.
Speaker 2: I think that's usually the person breaking up though. There
Speaker 2: it's like I'd like to still be friends, right sure,
Speaker 2: whereas the person getting broken up with this, like or
Speaker 2: you could get hit by car, right, yeah, and that
Speaker 2: would solve the problem.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And then sticking with the whole same sex straight thing,
Speaker 1: are we saying straight still?
Speaker 2: I don't know. That doesn't feel right, does it.
Speaker 1: It doesn't, So let's just say same sex and hetero. Yeah, hetero.
Speaker 2: There's a clinical name for it.
Speaker 1: Boy. So the time and marriage seemed to be the
Speaker 1: two greatest indicators, at least as far as this one
Speaker 1: study I saw went for the likelihood of staying together
Speaker 1: over long periods of time. Right, all relationships, same sex
Speaker 1: and hetero man woman, all of them are in at
Speaker 1: the greatest risk of breakup within the first year or two.
Speaker 1: And then it starts to drop precipitously. But I think
Speaker 1: married hetero couples have a fairly low rate of a
Speaker 1: low chance of breaking up over time. It's pretty much
Speaker 1: flat the whole time, say, and then with same sex couples,
Speaker 1: the same thing happens. The chance of breakup is pretty
Speaker 1: high at the beginning, and then it starts to come down,
Speaker 1: and then it's basically tracks with hetero couples. For marriage,
Speaker 1: So marriage is kind of the factor. Time is the
Speaker 1: second factor, but then time stops being a factor after
Speaker 1: like thirty forty years. For unmarried couples, both hetero and
Speaker 1: same sex, they start to break up after year like
Speaker 1: thirty or forty, like, the chance of a breakup increases. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but once you get married, once you get a ring
Speaker 1: on it, over time, over like you know, decades is
Speaker 1: what we're talking about. Your chance is almost nil of
Speaker 1: breaking up, right, like less than I think of percent.
Speaker 1: But that doesn't sound right because to like half of
Speaker 1: all marriages into divorce. Yeah, this thing was way off,
Speaker 1: But maybe that's when taking into account, maybe that's front
Speaker 1: loaded by all the divorces that happened in the first
Speaker 1: five years or anything like that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay, that would make a little bit more sense.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it does.
Speaker 2: They do find that your chances of getting over a
Speaker 2: breakup or adjusting to that new post breakup life really
Speaker 2: centers around regaining your sense of self. That when you
Speaker 2: couple up with someone. It's not saying you can't have
Speaker 2: a sense of self anymore, because it's very healthy too. Sure,
Speaker 2: but there's an inevitable absorption and morphing that happens, and
Speaker 2: a little bit of your sense of self goes away
Speaker 2: when you couple.
Speaker 1: Yeah, all the same friends, the same phone number, yeah,
Speaker 1: and the same madre yes.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Boy. What about couples that share the email address?
Speaker 1: Yeah? You mean I have one? Really?
Speaker 2: Sure, never had one, But you have your own too, well.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we just have our own, but we have our
Speaker 1: shared one too.
Speaker 2: I think I'm talking about the people that just have
Speaker 2: the shared address. Sure, I've always found that interesting. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I'm judging. I don't know anybody who just as a
Speaker 2: shared address. I don't get why people would have the
Speaker 2: same one. I guess I just always Emily sells a
Speaker 2: MindSpring address.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, is it Emily atmindspring dot com.
Speaker 2: No, And that is the truth, because I'm not saying
Speaker 2: that just to keep people from emailing her. But she's
Speaker 2: she had it for so long and I make fun
Speaker 2: of her all the time, sure because she still pays
Speaker 2: like twenty dollars a year for this what And she
Speaker 2: was like, I've had it for so long that I
Speaker 2: just can't give it up.
Speaker 1: Well that's why people stay on Facebook.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Like, I'm not changing my email address.
Speaker 1: There's like so many of your memories there.
Speaker 2: It's like, well even that just her contact list and
Speaker 2: every email, Like, I don't know, I just think it's funny.
Speaker 2: I was like, where's that money going?
Speaker 1: Right? Who owns MindSpring? The air of the mind Spring fortune?
Speaker 1: He can count on twenty bucks a month.
Speaker 2: Back of cigarettes every month because of Emily yep oh
Speaker 2: Man and then for recovery the whole stress related growth
Speaker 2: thing that can happen with which is and I think
Speaker 2: women tend to be more apt to do this than men.
Speaker 2: But like, all right, you know what, I'm free now.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna do all those things that I lost while
Speaker 2: I was with him. I didn't have time for my
Speaker 2: friends anymore. I lost connections with them.
Speaker 1: I didn't do I didn't fly model airplanes or RCA
Speaker 1: airplanes anymore.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna drop some weight. I'm gonna start eating healthier.
Speaker 2: The post breakup weight loss is a huge, huge thing.
Speaker 2: It is, and partially from stress, but partially just because
Speaker 2: like I'm gonna make myself the best I can be
Speaker 2: and I'll show her or him.
Speaker 1: I think it's also like just as simple as like
Speaker 1: more free time.
Speaker 2: Sure, you know too, and something to do that is,
Speaker 2: you know, exercises also stress relieving. You might not be
Speaker 2: eating as much because your stomach is tied up into stress.
Speaker 1: Nots right.
Speaker 2: So there are a bunch of reasons for it.
Speaker 1: But here is that. Here's where that that part you
Speaker 1: were talking about earlier I said we would get to
Speaker 1: kind of kicks in. Is how much of the so
Speaker 1: you identify with does relate to how well you handle
Speaker 1: a breakup? How much of your how much of the
Speaker 1: you is the we in the relationship? Yeah, And what
Speaker 1: they found is that that's a huge part of it.
Speaker 1: But more significant is the amount of growth that happens
Speaker 1: while you're in a relationship, Like you can share a
Speaker 1: tremendous amount of the same self with your significant other
Speaker 1: and grow as a person as a result. And if
Speaker 1: you do that, you're actually going to have a harder
Speaker 1: breakup because that we that that super attachment that led
Speaker 1: to that personal growth is related to that other person
Speaker 1: who's now gone. Whereas if you were you even if
Speaker 1: you were totally in messed with another person, but you
Speaker 1: didn't grow much personally. If you experience a burst of
Speaker 1: growth after the breakup, you're going to have the easiest
Speaker 1: breakup of all. Even though you were super in messed
Speaker 1: with the person, you weren't growing, But then you grow afterward.
Speaker 1: Now that period of non growth is related to that
Speaker 1: person who's gone, and you can be like, so long zero,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna make myself a hero, yeah, DC, sure did
Speaker 1: they come across? Yeah, because sometimes I'm not the best
Speaker 1: at explaining things.
Speaker 2: Which is pretty funny if you think about it.
Speaker 1: It really is.
Speaker 2: In two thousand, they did a study at Northwestern University
Speaker 2: where they did find out though that they ask people,
Speaker 2: I believe, how bad do you think this breakup is
Speaker 2: going to be? If you know you're in a relationship,
Speaker 2: what if you broke up? And then they found out
Speaker 2: that they weren't as bad off as they thought they
Speaker 2: would be, which is encouraging.
Speaker 1: It is, but also think about this, Chuck, These vultures
Speaker 1: who are running the study where like, you're in a relationship,
Speaker 1: just we're going to study just in case you guys
Speaker 1: break up. Yeah, And so they would get that info,
Speaker 1: that self reporting info about how bad the breakup of be,
Speaker 1: and then they swooped in upon the breakup. They're like,
Speaker 1: how bad is it?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Tell us And the person was like, well, this is
Speaker 1: as bad as it is, And it was almost across
Speaker 1: the board. Yeah, not anywhere near as bad as the
Speaker 1: people thought it would be when they were in the relationship. Yeah,
Speaker 1: which is pretty surprising. And what was even more surprising
Speaker 1: is the more in love you are, the easier it's
Speaker 1: going to be relative to how bad do you think
Speaker 1: it will be during the relationship, right, Which makes sense
Speaker 1: if you stop and think about it.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I thought the other interesting thing too, when we
Speaker 2: were talking about getting over a breakup and your sense
Speaker 2: of self, that's closely tied to how you feel about rejection.
Speaker 2: And there are a couple of I mean more than
Speaker 2: a couple of ways. But if your reflection of your
Speaker 2: how you think about rejection is tied heavily into how
Speaker 2: you feel about yourself, so there's some people that might
Speaker 2: be rejected and it might devastate them because they start
Speaker 2: to analyze themselves and what did I do wrong? And
Speaker 2: what's wrong with me? Right, there's a whole other camp
Speaker 2: out there, And I think this goes into personality and
Speaker 2: ego and all that stuff. But you call these people
Speaker 2: healthy or sociopaths, maybe, Oh, it's probably on a range.
Speaker 1: Wow, I just we just put both of our cards
Speaker 1: on the table. Then.
Speaker 2: But the people that are like, yeah, I got broken
Speaker 2: up with and I but and I got rejected. But
Speaker 2: you know, as happens that happens in life, people get rejected.
Speaker 2: It's not because of me, I just not everyone. You know,
Speaker 2: So you find together, you.
Speaker 1: Find this quote sociopathic. I learned that two people can
Speaker 1: both be quality individuals, but that doesn't mean they belong together.
Speaker 1: That's sociopathic to you.
Speaker 2: That's that was Oh wait, it says you said that
Speaker 2: it was Ted.
Speaker 1: Bundy, Patrick Bateman.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, I don't think it necessarily necessarily means
Speaker 2: you're a sociopath. But I think someone with that is
Speaker 2: a true sociopath would probably be way more apt to
Speaker 2: be like, oh yeah, well.
Speaker 1: It was them, not me.
Speaker 2: Yeah, It's like it's fine, your point breakup.
Speaker 1: There's a sub a subgroup to that sociopath as you
Speaker 1: call it camp, and they are like, well, breakups happen.
Speaker 1: I heard what the other person said, and there's some
Speaker 1: things I feel like I need to work on, Like say,
Speaker 1: I was a terrible communicator, so I'm going to work
Speaker 1: on becoming a better communicator as a result. It's called
Speaker 1: stress related growth is what that's called. Where you're growing
Speaker 1: out of this horrific experience. And that's healthy, that's super healthy.
Speaker 1: But they the key is what's unhealthy is to say
Speaker 1: this was all because of some fatal flaw that I have,
Speaker 1: that's part of my personality that I'll never be able
Speaker 1: to get rid of. And so all I'm going to
Speaker 1: do is poison every relationship from here on out, and
Speaker 1: I'm just going to build walls and keep everybody at
Speaker 1: a distance. And that's what some people do as a
Speaker 1: result of a breakup. And you can't do that. Even
Speaker 1: if your brain starts to go that way. This research says,
Speaker 1: stop it. Don't you have to disassociate yourself become the sociopath.
Speaker 1: I guess if it need be to say this is
Speaker 1: not because of an inherent flaw in me, that's uncorrectable,
Speaker 1: even if the person was right, even if they're like,
Speaker 1: you're a terrible communicator and you have serious mommy issues,
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean that you will always be a terrible
Speaker 1: communicator with serious mommy issues. You could work on those
Speaker 1: post breakup and become a much better SOO to the
Speaker 1: next person or whatever. The key is not being a
Speaker 1: fatalist like there's nothing you can do to change. And
Speaker 1: then also you should evaluate whether the person was saying
Speaker 1: that in anger, how much faith you put in their
Speaker 1: opinion of you. There's a lot of factors that you
Speaker 1: need to take into account before you take on that
Speaker 1: kind of thing that just puts you in the bottom
Speaker 1: of a well where you could conceivably hang out for
Speaker 1: the rest of your life if you're not careful without
Speaker 1: copious amounts of therapy.
Speaker 2: Yeah agreed, or turning to drugs and alcohol, which is
Speaker 2: a big, gin yeah, big thing that a lot of
Speaker 2: people do.
Speaker 1: Gin cuts both ways.
Speaker 2: Should we talk about some of these tips from.
Speaker 1: This guy, the psychologist Guy Wench. Remember number one is
Speaker 1: don't check up on them on social media.
Speaker 2: Good luck with that.
Speaker 1: Here's why. He says that this will reinforce your ex's
Speaker 1: presence in your mind and will make it harder for
Speaker 1: you to stop fantasizing about your broken relationship. You're basically
Speaker 1: just like literally keeping them right there in front of
Speaker 1: your face, right through social media. Yeah, which is why
Speaker 1: it's a bad idea.
Speaker 2: Number two, avoid creating mysteries about why the breakup happened.
Speaker 2: And again, this is along those same lines of just
Speaker 2: keeping your ex like forefront in your mind, which is hard.
Speaker 2: I mean it's gonna take a little while. Sure, he says,
Speaker 2: next day to pop up and just be like, well,
Speaker 2: they're out of my mind.
Speaker 1: That's sociopathic.
Speaker 2: Yeah, even if you're the breaker upper, you know, it
Speaker 2: doesn't mean that you don't have a process to go
Speaker 2: through as well.
Speaker 1: Sure, you know, but that's why he says, avoid creating mysteries,
Speaker 1: like it's it's probably going to happen, but like be
Speaker 1: mindful when it's going on and be like enough, I'm
Speaker 1: going to go work out, yeah, or go drink some
Speaker 1: gin or both.
Speaker 2: Number three, Make a list of all the comp Oh,
Speaker 2: this is a good one. Make a list of all
Speaker 2: the compromises that you had to make that you don't
Speaker 2: want to make again. Start to think about like, yeah,
Speaker 2: you know when I was with this person, I felt
Speaker 2: like I could never really have my real sense of
Speaker 2: humor out in public because they thought it was loud.
Speaker 1: That counters that that rehashing that just focuses on the positive. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it cuts the legs out from under that set and legs.
Speaker 1: What about Number four?
Speaker 2: Do the things that used to bring you enjoyment? Is
Speaker 2: kind of what I was talking about earlier, even if
Speaker 2: they don't seem interesting now. That whole thing where like, Jeez,
Speaker 2: I used to really love pottery right and throwing clay, sure,
Speaker 2: and I just I quit doing it once I started
Speaker 2: dating Josh.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Clay throwing my house.
Speaker 2: H and Josh hated it when Chuck went to the
Speaker 2: Potter's Wheel because it reminded him of Ghost And Josh
Speaker 2: hated that movie, so he wouldn't allow me to do it.
Speaker 2: But you know what, I'm going to reclaim that pottery wheel.
Speaker 1: Yeah, which is ironic because I was always walking around
Speaker 1: our house just like Patrick swayzey in that scene. But
Speaker 1: I still hated that movie. Oh that was more like
Speaker 1: the Chris Farley, Chippindale Patrick swayzee version.
Speaker 2: Number five Remove reminders. This is the box that you
Speaker 2: will burn, which is now just throw your laptop in
Speaker 2: the fireplace, right in your smartphone.
Speaker 1: And then like reconnect with your friends, Like, yeah, you
Speaker 1: left him in the dusty years ago, but they're still alive.
Speaker 1: They probably wouldn't mind hearing from you. Yeah.
Speaker 2: The problem here is is if you truly do have
Speaker 2: a mix of friends that you both love, not like
Speaker 2: I didn't leave behind all my old friends. Or the
Speaker 2: worst case scenario is like all of my friends are
Speaker 2: from you. Now what do I do?
Speaker 1: Go down to the YMCA and make some new friends?
Speaker 2: I guess. So I found this one last study I
Speaker 2: thought was interesting. The best way to get over a
Speaker 2: breakup according to science, And this is actually published in
Speaker 2: the Journal of Experimental Psychology, And they tested a bunch
Speaker 2: of strategies for getting over a breakup twenty four heartbroken
Speaker 2: people ages twenty to thirty seven that had been in
Speaker 2: at least a two and a half year relationship, so
Speaker 2: pretty significant. Some were dumpies, some were dumpers, and they
Speaker 2: said there were three strategies. One is to negatively reappraise
Speaker 2: your ex just think about all the bad things. The
Speaker 2: other one was called love reappraisal, which is believe and
Speaker 2: read statements like it's okay to love someone I'm no
Speaker 2: longer with it's all right. And then the third was distraction,
Speaker 2: literally the ice cream and look over here movies trick,
Speaker 2: the black mirror trick. And then there was the fourth prompt,
Speaker 2: which was the control, which was don't think about anything.
Speaker 2: Of course means you're thinking of the stape of March Vela.
Speaker 1: You don't think about anything. Really, just undermine the science
Speaker 1: of that clear brain.
Speaker 2: So those were the four prompts. Then they showed everyone,
Speaker 2: They hooked everyone up to an EEG machine, showed them
Speaker 2: photos of their exes, and they measured the intensity of
Speaker 2: emotion in response to that photo, and then had them
Speaker 2: use these different prompts to see which one works best.
Speaker 1: When they looked in the people who were not thinking
Speaker 1: about anything, they were bleeding out of their eye sockets.
Speaker 2: They were and according to the readings, all three, all
Speaker 2: three of the strategies significantly decreased their emotional response to
Speaker 2: the photos really relative to the control. If you looked
Speaker 2: at your ex in a negative light that first one,
Speaker 2: like there was such a jerk. You had a decrease
Speaker 2: in feelings of love, but you left in a worse
Speaker 2: mood like that judged up bad feelings.
Speaker 1: Like you wasted your time or something all that.
Speaker 2: Maybe or just like just really took me off thinking
Speaker 2: about all that stuff.
Speaker 1: Right? You know?
Speaker 2: So now did dumb study.
Speaker 1: Drove some clay?
Speaker 2: That's right, distraction made feel made you feel better overall,
Speaker 2: but didn't that have much of an effect on how
Speaker 2: you really felt about them? Okay, you just didn't leave
Speaker 2: it necessarily a bad mood. You just got ice cream
Speaker 2: and watched a funny movie good enough, which is fine.
Speaker 2: But they said that that doesn't do anything long term
Speaker 2: to help you recover. Oh okay, just like a temporary whatever.
Speaker 1: Does it prolong it? Though? Do you think? I mean,
Speaker 1: you know as much as the people conducting it said.
Speaker 2: It's a form of avoidance that is shown to reduce
Speaker 2: the recovery.
Speaker 1: Okay, so it would prolong it. Then, I guess. So
Speaker 1: everybody stop eating ice cream and watching Black Mirror.
Speaker 2: And then love Appraisal show no effect on your mood
Speaker 2: or how you feel about them, but it did dull
Speaker 2: the emotional response a little bit, So.
Speaker 1: There's really nothing to do.
Speaker 2: Doesn't sound like it.
Speaker 1: I saw a couple more tips. One is you could
Speaker 1: write a letter that under no circumstances, will you ever send?
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a good trick actually reship price like anything
Speaker 2: bothering her.
Speaker 1: It also really works well for grieving too. You just
Speaker 1: write a letter, sure, and you say whatever you want
Speaker 1: because you know for a fact that the other person
Speaker 1: will never read it. You could say whatever you want
Speaker 1: and it's just like a cathartic process that can help
Speaker 1: hasten things. And then also, why do sad songs feel
Speaker 1: so good when you're going through a breakup? Why do
Speaker 1: people seek out sad songs? And the best explanation I saw,
Speaker 1: the best theory is that a song is a little
Speaker 1: capsule of emotion, and when you're seeking out a sad song,
Speaker 1: you're confronting the very emotions that you're probably stifling right then,
Speaker 1: and confronting it in such a raw form forces you
Speaker 1: to express those emotions i e. Cry and that helps
Speaker 1: you process them faster because you're you're not pushing them
Speaker 1: off any longer. You're you're you're you're expressing them, you're
Speaker 1: sorting through them. So that's what sad songs make you do.
Speaker 1: That's why people seek out sad songs when they're down,
Speaker 1: and it actually helps hasten recovery Lady in Red. I
Speaker 1: don't think that's a sad standing with me.
Speaker 2: That's the saddest song.
Speaker 1: You're like, savely it takes me away?
Speaker 2: That uh sailing by Christopher Cross Lady in Red, and
Speaker 2: then Dan Fogelberg's saying same old anxione right, three set
Speaker 2: of songs.
Speaker 1: Jerry knows that song. Those were two Christopher Cross songs.
Speaker 1: He's got two of the three sets.
Speaker 2: No, Lady in Red's not Christopher Cross.
Speaker 1: I think it is.
Speaker 2: Now five dollars, Jerry, we're all nodding.
Speaker 1: Now, five dollars is on the table.
Speaker 2: All right, I'll look it up.
Speaker 1: Well, you guys will find out next episode whether I
Speaker 1: was right or not.
Speaker 2: I remember the guy's name.
Speaker 1: It's Christopher Cross. Oh, Jerry's rarely doing one of her
Speaker 1: rare speaking parts. She says, Christoph Waltz. That's the actor.
Speaker 2: You know. What's funny is I mistyped something and it
Speaker 2: changed my search to Lady in Red wings like red
Speaker 2: wing boots. Boot must be a fetish side, I guess.
Speaker 1: So. Yeah. If you want to get in touch with me,
Speaker 1: Chuck or Jerry, you can shoot us an email to
Speaker 1: Stuff Podcast how Stuff Works dot.
Speaker 2: Com Stuff You Should Know is a production of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2: For more podcasts my heart Radio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Speaker 2: Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.