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Speaker 1: Hey, everybody, it's Josh and for this week's Select, I've

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Speaker 1: chosen our twenty nineteen episode on the science of breakups.

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Speaker 1: It's just a straight ahead, interesting episode about people and

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Speaker 1: what makes us tick. I hope you enjoy it.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to Stuff You Should Know, a production of iHeartRadio.

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Speaker 1: Hey, and welcome to the podcast. I'm Josh Clark. There's

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Speaker 1: Charles w Chuck Bryan over there, there's Jerry Rush Rush Rush, Jerry.

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Speaker 1: This is Stuff you Should Know, the breakup edition.

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Speaker 2: Right, Three people who you've never broken up with one another? No,

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Speaker 2: that's true, the last three great point modern triad.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, the tryad.

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Speaker 2: So I picked this one out because mainly this is

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Speaker 2: a refrain. We get an email a lot. We hear

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Speaker 2: from heartbroken people a lot, sure more than you would

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Speaker 2: think that are just like, that's so sad. Lots of

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Speaker 2: broken hearts up and you you guys have helped me

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Speaker 2: with this show as a distraction, which we will learn

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Speaker 2: as one of the official ways to get over a breakup.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, look over here, Yeah exactly.

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Speaker 2: So it just got me thinking about, like, is there

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Speaker 2: any science behind breakups and the emotions that go along

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Speaker 2: with it. And it turns out there's a lot, like

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Speaker 2: a disturbing amount of study has been done. I know

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Speaker 2: when you look at it, you're like, oh, man, maybe

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Speaker 2: you should have allocated that money toward research toward other things.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, like cancer. Yeah, although social psychology couldn't do anything

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Speaker 1: about cancer.

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Speaker 2: No, And it's you know, it's not like they're like, oh, well,

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Speaker 2: we'll just it's all taken from one big pool, so

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Speaker 2: we'll just allocate some of this breakup money toward cancer research.

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Speaker 1: Sure, it's not. It works, well, you could allocate the money,

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Speaker 1: but the mental energy, I guess, is what I'm talking about.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but that was just it seemed like study after study.

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Speaker 2: And also we should point out too that I think

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Speaker 2: there was one case in here of one study where

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Speaker 2: they looked at homosexual couples, But most of this study

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Speaker 2: is like cisgendered straight couples. Yeah, through that lens only,

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Speaker 2: they're not doing a ton of research outside that.

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Speaker 1: I found I found one that, uh that that tracks

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Speaker 1: it correlates the likelihood of breaking up to time, and

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Speaker 1: they had it broken out by same sex and straight,

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Speaker 1: married and unmarried. Those are like the four categories. So

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Speaker 1: some people are doing it, sure, but yeah, for the

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Speaker 1: most part now. And I think one of the reasons

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Speaker 1: why Chuck is a lot of this is from the

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Speaker 1: mid two thousand's, early twenty tens. Yeah, and that was,

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Speaker 1: you know, was about the last like the tail end

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Speaker 1: of that. Now I think it's starting to change, fortunately, right,

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Speaker 1: because people of all genders and sexual orientation break up

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Speaker 1: and get dumped, and we're here to help all of you.

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Speaker 1: So buckle in, grab a hanky, and let's get through this.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, let's we should go ahead and start

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Speaker 2: out by saying, I guess that in theory, more people

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Speaker 2: are breaking up now because people are generally waiting longer

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Speaker 2: to get married. So if you could extrapolate that if

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Speaker 2: you're not married for ten more years than let's say

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Speaker 2: our parents were, right, then maybe you've gone through a

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Speaker 2: couple more breakups along the way.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. We should give a shout out to Kristen Conger

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Speaker 1: of Unladylike Media Yeah Kongs, who wrote this article our

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Speaker 1: old pal, and she points out that that typically means

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Speaker 1: that you are going to find somebody who you work

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Speaker 1: with rather than rushing into it. But it also, as

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Speaker 1: she puts it, like leaves the window open longer for

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Speaker 1: heartbreak to be dumped. Yeah, one thing I saw, Chuck.

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Speaker 1: This is mind boggling to me. Eighty five percent of people,

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Speaker 1: according to this one study, will be dumped in their lifetime,

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Speaker 1: will experience being a breakup in their lifetime. That means

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Speaker 1: fifteen percent of humanity won't. That is those are some

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Speaker 1: interesting people.

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Speaker 2: Eight fifteen percent have not had a breakup or been

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Speaker 2: broken up with.

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Speaker 1: Will not in their lifetime. They're just going to either

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Speaker 1: never have a relationship or the first time they're going

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Speaker 1: to hit it out of the park.

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Speaker 2: But that doesn't mean like or subtle I've never been dumped.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Like they'll never have gone through a breakup.

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Speaker 2: But I've been through breakups. I've been the dumper.

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Speaker 1: Right, I know what you're saying. No, I believe that

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Speaker 1: they will not have experienced a breakup in their lifetime.

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Speaker 1: Either way, Well that's great.

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Speaker 2: That means they sure, yeah, they met the person that

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Speaker 2: they love when they're young, probably again.

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Speaker 1: Or it means that they decided to of their life

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Speaker 1: alone just fine, right, or or both they like I said,

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Speaker 1: they decided like, yeah, I'm just gonna stick with this person. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to I want to be what I

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Speaker 1: don't want to ruin my record, my spotless record.

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Speaker 2: I think it's very interesting here that supposedly, and this

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Speaker 2: is very hinky how they found this out about the

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Speaker 2: spikes and breakups from Like, that's.

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Speaker 1: A Facebook data poll, so media doesn't count, social psychology

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Speaker 1: doesn't count.

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Speaker 2: I agree, But it doesn't make a little bit of sense.

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Speaker 2: And I could see this being true that generally dumping

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Speaker 2: someone or getting broken up with can happen on any

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Speaker 2: day of the year, but there are spikes in early

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Speaker 2: December and early March, yeah, because of Christmas holidays and

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Speaker 2: spring break.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And technically you could see that being true. There

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Speaker 1: has I'm sure it's true at least on Facebook. And yeah,

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Speaker 1: this is a pretty big data pull. But it's like,

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Speaker 1: that's so lazy.

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Speaker 2: It's lazy. But I see it because it's it makes

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Speaker 2: a little bit of sense that you would not want

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Speaker 2: to go through the holidays with someone that And you

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Speaker 2: said a thing too, And this is important to point out,

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Speaker 2: like when the breakup happens, when that talk or these

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Speaker 2: days text message or phone call happens, it's not okay,

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Speaker 2: that is the end of something for maybe both of you,

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Speaker 2: but definitely one of you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, sometimes most of the time.

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Speaker 2: That that actual act of saying we're breaking up, that's

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Speaker 2: at the end of many, many weeks or even months

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Speaker 2: or even years of contemplation about whether or not you

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Speaker 2: want to still be with this person.

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Speaker 1: Right, And that's why being broken up with is almost

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Speaker 1: across the board, way harder sure than breaking up because

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Speaker 1: by the time, like you said, by the time the

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Speaker 1: person who initiates the breakup initiates the breakup is this

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Speaker 1: is at the end of a long road of decision making,

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Speaker 1: Whereas the other person might have been blissfully unaware or

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Speaker 1: at least wilfully ignorant or not willing to address the issues,

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Speaker 1: and so they are one way or another largely caught

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Speaker 1: off guard by being broken up with. So the person

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Speaker 1: who does the breaking up has already gone through all

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Speaker 1: these stages of grief of separation, Whereas now it's this person,

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Speaker 1: the person who's just been dumped, it's their time to

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Speaker 1: go through it.

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Speaker 2: Right. So, if you're doing the dumping, like the hour

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Speaker 2: after you have that conversation, you're like, what a relief,

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Speaker 2: I'm I'm starting over. Let's go get some gin, Whereas

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Speaker 2: the dumpy is like, let's go get some gin. That begins,

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Speaker 2: that begins their process. Although the only thing I'll take

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Speaker 2: issue with that whole line of thought though, is that

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Speaker 2: a lot of people, even that might get dumped, aren't

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Speaker 2: like what like They may have known and just didn't

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Speaker 2: want to admit it or weren't brave enough or strong

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Speaker 2: enough to do it themselves.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and I agree with you on that. I think

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Speaker 1: that there's still a thread that they had not been

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Speaker 1: preparing themselves just by being in SAE denial and willing

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Speaker 1: to address it face it. Now they have no choice

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Speaker 1: but to face reality, whereas the person who did the

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Speaker 1: breakup was like facing reality and coming to terms with

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Speaker 1: it quietly, sure, and then now it's your.

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Speaker 2: Turn, right, Which brings me back to my original point,

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Speaker 2: which is Christmas and spring break make a little bit

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Speaker 2: of sense because the person who was desperate to get

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Speaker 2: out of a relationship and break up with somebody, they're

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Speaker 2: staring at those Christmas holidays and that first week of

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Speaker 2: December rolls around, They're like, I gotta do this now

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Speaker 2: because I don't want to travel a lot of time

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Speaker 2: with this person and go through the whole gift thing, right,

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Speaker 2: and the holidays are just it's tough to be in

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Speaker 2: a relationship that's a lie.

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Speaker 1: Well, it's sure because the holidays, I mean, the holidays

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Speaker 1: are so about like connecting and feeling and warmth and

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Speaker 1: all that, and if you're faking it or have to

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Speaker 1: fake it, you know, some people are like, I'm not

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Speaker 1: going through that, no good. I also saw an explanation

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Speaker 1: in Harper's Bizarre of All Places that some people may

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Speaker 1: do that because of the pressure of coming up with

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Speaker 1: a really good gift, sure that the relationship is not

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Speaker 1: worth the pressure of coming up with a good gift

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Speaker 1: outweighs the value of the relationship to those people. Or

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Speaker 1: there are some people who don't want to put their

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Speaker 1: significant other through that, so they just break up proactively, right,

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Speaker 1: which also means that they didn't value the relationship that

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Speaker 1: much either, But at least in their mind, they're not

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Speaker 1: doing it for themselves. They're doing it for the other

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Speaker 1: person because they don't want to put the other person

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Speaker 1: through that pressure of having to get the perfect gift. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I've never had that thing either, where you start dating

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Speaker 2: someone and it's like a couple of weeks for their

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Speaker 2: birthday or Christmas, and you're and then that pressure of like,

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Speaker 2: oh man, how do I play this one?

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Speaker 1: You know, a couple after a couple of weeks, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: oh yeah.

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Speaker 2: This person? But how deep do I go on this

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Speaker 2: gift here?

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Speaker 1: I don't really know you, So I got you a

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Speaker 1: basket of socks. Everyone loves socks.

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Speaker 2: So here's an Amazon gift card for thirty eight fifty.

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Speaker 1: Right, Yeah, after a couple of weeks, it's a little

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Speaker 1: it's a little close. Yeah, I come up with a

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Speaker 1: perfect gift, or even be expected to.

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Speaker 2: And I did mention breaking up by text or whatever,

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Speaker 2: like you would suspect if you were born before nineteen

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Speaker 2: seventy five, like myself, you break up in person supposedly

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Speaker 2: about seventy four percent of the time. Not bad post

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Speaker 2: nineteen eighty four. If you were born less than fifty

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Speaker 2: percent of the time, you're going to do that in person.

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Speaker 2: And they say generation, Why whatever that is?

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Speaker 1: I think it's millennials, is it? I'm pretty sure.

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Speaker 2: When did they name them?

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Speaker 1: Like?

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Speaker 2: Do they know what?

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Speaker 1: Like?

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Speaker 2: Does my daughter have a generation already? I don't know,

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Speaker 2: like a name.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure somebody out there is name your daughter's generation.

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Speaker 2: I annoying, don't box her in right?

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Speaker 1: Well, you got a pigeonhole folks, let her grow.

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Speaker 2: Up, be your own person. But if you are jen y,

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Speaker 2: you're or likely thirty percent to do it over the phone.

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Speaker 1: Uh.

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Speaker 2: And of course this says a searing instant message or

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Speaker 2: an email. I think these days you would call that

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Speaker 2: a text.

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Speaker 1: And email is the lowest percent wise and compassion wise

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Speaker 1: four percent of people. That's the worst break up by email.

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Speaker 2: What was this?

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Speaker 1: Pretty bad? Email? Is as bad as it gets?

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Speaker 2: Was it sex in the city where it was a

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Speaker 2: sticky note?

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Speaker 1: No? I don't remember. I feel like the movie or

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Speaker 1: the show. I didn't see the movie Sticky Note Break,

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Speaker 1: I think.

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Speaker 2: So should we take a break?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, let's take a break? Man? All right, this is

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Speaker 1: going really really well so far. All right, Chuck. So

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Speaker 1: we've talked about when people break up, how they break up,

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Speaker 1: why do they break up?

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Speaker 2: Well, actually, there's one more, okay, I think pretty important

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Speaker 2: thing about the how, which is men and women. Women

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Speaker 2: tend to present and this sort of makes sense to

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Speaker 2: if you want to be stereotypically, you know, stereotypical about it.

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Speaker 2: Women tend to present a list of grievances.

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Speaker 1: Here's all the things wrong with you both.

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Speaker 2: Pretty much, whereas men it's a little more supposedly a

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Speaker 2: little more nebulous.

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Speaker 1: Where'd the magic go?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, there you go.

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Speaker 1: That's apparently the difference is as far as like rationale

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Speaker 1: for breaking up.

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Speaker 2: And these are so macro level and broad and how

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Speaker 2: we talk about it. It's a little embarrassing to even do.

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Speaker 1: To talk about this stuff. I know I wouldn't do this.

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Speaker 1: Women do this right. No, it's absolutely true. That's but

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Speaker 1: I feel like when you talk about this, people can

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Speaker 1: find themselves in the contours of of all if you

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Speaker 1: put all this stuff together, if you just took one

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Speaker 1: study and said that this is definitive, people should should

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Speaker 1: punch you in the kidney, agreed, but not really don't

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Speaker 1: punch anybody. You know, everyone. Over the last almost eleven

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Speaker 1: years of stuff, you should know, I've said a lot

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Speaker 1: of things that make it sound like I'm inciting people

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Speaker 1: to violence.

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Speaker 2: Friendly violence.

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Speaker 1: I was joking every single time why someone said something. No,

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Speaker 1: I just I just want to make sure that everyone

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Speaker 1: knows that I was never ever actually serious in saying

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Speaker 1: hit somebody in the head with a tag camera or

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Speaker 1: punch someone in the kidney. Actually, I'm kidding all the time.

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Speaker 2: Except for when you recommend that you pants somebody, and.

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Speaker 1: I was kidding even then that's psychological abuse.

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Speaker 2: It is.

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Speaker 1: It's physical, but it's more psychological than anything.

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Speaker 2: You ever been pants in front of people?

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Speaker 1: Yes? Really, yes, And I can tell you it's psychological.

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Speaker 2: I don't think I've ever been pantsed. Boy, I can't

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Speaker 2: imagine anything more horrifying than being pantsed. What's underwear on?

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Speaker 1: What? I can confirm that because I can't remember being pantsed.

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Speaker 1: I just remember that I have been pants So I

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Speaker 1: think I just immediately blocked out everything.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so no story, no story there. Okay, So if

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Speaker 2: you get broken up with, you will feel and we're

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Speaker 2: going to talk about the science of a lot of

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Speaker 2: this because it's very similar to overcoming addictions sometimes but

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Speaker 2: of course depression and anxiety, sometimes suicidal.

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Speaker 1: Thoughts, sometimes homicide. Oh sure, that's a that's an outcome,

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Speaker 1: a worst case outcome. That and suicide of breakups, but

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Speaker 1: they are directly related to break That's how bad breakups

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Speaker 1: can be.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And apparently, you know when people do write in

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Speaker 2: about getting dumped and stuff, I always say, you know,

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Speaker 2: it's the most trite thing in the world. But like

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Speaker 2: time is the only thing that really helps. Yeah, like

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Speaker 2: ice cream and stuff like that is good, but like

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Speaker 2: it really does decrease over time. However, in studies, eight

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Speaker 2: weeks after being dumped in this study, forty percent of

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Speaker 2: people still had signs of clinical depression, and twelve percent

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Speaker 2: appeared moderately or severely depressed. So it depends on the

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Speaker 2: relationship along you're in it, how much it meant to you,

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Speaker 2: what kind of person you are. But it can stick

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Speaker 2: around for a bit.

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Speaker 1: It can. So the thing is, though, there are things

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Speaker 1: you can do to help accelerate the healing process, and

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Speaker 1: we'll talk about those at the end. How about that. Okay,

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Speaker 1: we'll make y'all wait, all right, So where are we at, Chuck?

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Speaker 1: Are we at the well?

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Speaker 2: The attachment styles I think is interesting because we did

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Speaker 2: talk about like gay, straight, cisgendered, you know, on the

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Speaker 2: gender spectrum. Maybe none of that matters. Maybe what matters

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Speaker 2: is what they call your attachment styles.

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Speaker 1: That's what this says pretty plainly. Tho. Yeah, that's what

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Speaker 1: it comes down.

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Speaker 2: To, how you attach yourselves to other people.

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Speaker 1: You can be a needy, clingy dude. You can be

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Speaker 1: a avoidant woman, yeah, or you can be either one

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Speaker 1: of those things. Anywhere on the gender spectrum. That's the thing,

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Speaker 1: like the idea that women are clinging and men are

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Speaker 1: distant is fabled. Yeah, it's at least ham fisted.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I think so. It's sort of that thing in

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Speaker 2: social science that bothers me, which is like, you're either

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Speaker 2: this or this, right, like one thing or the other.

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Speaker 1: And really all you are is a white college student.

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Speaker 1: That's what they really mean.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, who had a little time on their hands.

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Speaker 1: Right, you needed extra credit.

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Speaker 2: But there are two supposedly again two things attachment styles,

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Speaker 2: anxious attachment and avoidant well attachment.

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Speaker 1: Conger points out, like, that's two ends of a spectrum.

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Speaker 1: Oh okay, and you can fall somewhere on there. There's

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Speaker 1: actually a it's pretty straightforward. It's the OIS, I believe

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Speaker 1: or OSI. It's a scale where you pick how your

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Speaker 1: relationship is best described by a series of ven diagrams,

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Speaker 1: and one circles you, and one circle is your significant other,

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Speaker 1: and they're just increasingly together, from just barely touching to

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Speaker 1: almost completely merged into one single circle, and you just

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Speaker 1: circle the one that best describes your sense of what

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Speaker 1: your relationships like, and that supposedly gets your spectrum replacement

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Speaker 1: on the spectrum of attachment across. Oh interesting, So it's

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Speaker 1: real subjective and self reported, so that is to say,

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Speaker 1: not scientific, right.

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Speaker 2: Unfortunately, Supposedly two thirds of women initiate divorces, and in

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Speaker 2: this article it says that might give them a statistical

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Speaker 2: edge over getting over a relationship.

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Speaker 1: Because they initiated the breakup, so they've been in the

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Speaker 1: process already. Maybe that's what I think she meant.

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Speaker 2: I think so, I'm just not so sure that just

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Speaker 2: because a woman initiates a divorce, it may have been

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Speaker 2: after years of systematic abuse, you know, which may not

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Speaker 2: mean like she's so ready to get over this quicker

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Speaker 2: than he might be.

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Speaker 1: Right, you know, Yeah, No, I mean you can't just

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Speaker 1: say it like if X, then Y. With this stuff,

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Speaker 1: it's relationship, sir as messy as as humans get. It's

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Speaker 1: a relationship. Yeah, that's all you need to say.

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Speaker 2: Well, let's talk about the brain a little bit, because

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Speaker 2: this is where it does get a little more interesting,

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Speaker 2: I think, slightly god slightly more scientific.

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Speaker 1: Okay.

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Speaker 2: There was a study in twenty eleven by neurologist at

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Speaker 2: the Einstein College of Medicine which sounded totally fake, totally,

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Speaker 2: but it's not.

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Speaker 1: I have sounds made up written down.

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Speaker 2: It's in the bronx.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, there's also reputable. There were also anthropologists from Rutgers

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Speaker 1: in Sunni to legitimize things.

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Speaker 2: Oh in this study, if Rutgers is legitimizing things, sure,

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Speaker 2: we're in trouble.

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Speaker 1: Oh really, is that? Is that? Really? I thought Rutgers

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Speaker 1: was all right? Or am I confusing of its toughs?

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Speaker 2: Uh? You're probably thinking Princeton, okay, both New Jersey schools.

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Speaker 1: I thought Rutgers was the public ivy. Okay, sorry, Rutgers.

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Speaker 1: I tried the check back.

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Speaker 2: Then they're gonna be so mad at me. I've hung

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Speaker 2: out at Rutgers.

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Speaker 1: I've been there people, so you know what you're talking about.

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Speaker 1: I know exactly what I'm Is it like the Detroit

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Speaker 1: of New Jersey colleges or something.

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Speaker 2: That's not untrue?

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Speaker 1: Okay, all right, you don't disagree, boy, we're gonna.

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Speaker 2: Get killed, that's okay. So this study from Einstein College

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Speaker 2: of Medicine found that just looking at a photograph of

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Speaker 2: an ex partner caused the second somo somatosensory cortex and

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Speaker 2: the dorsal posterior insula. Nice geez, and these areas process

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Speaker 2: physical discomfort. They start lighting up. The same thing as

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Speaker 2: happens is when you get physically injured basically.

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Speaker 1: Right like you are in actual, legitimate pain as far

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Speaker 1: as your brain is concerned, in the midst of a breakup,

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Speaker 1: at least when you're stuck in an MRI machine and

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Speaker 1: showing a picture of your recent X.

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Speaker 2: Which is a big deal now with social media, because

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Speaker 2: every modern article I read about breakups and getting over

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Speaker 2: them talked about what a deletrious effect social media will

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Speaker 2: have on your recovery process.

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Speaker 1: Are you taunting me?

381
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Speaker 2: Because the stuff's everywhere now? It used to be easy.

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Speaker 2: You could just throw everything in a shoe box and

383
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Speaker 2: set it on fire and send it down a river

384
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Speaker 2: and a little boat made of rage. Sure, but you

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Speaker 2: can't do that anymore because they're everywhere.

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Speaker 1: No, but that's that's tip number one from psychologist Guy Wench,

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Speaker 1: author of How to Fix a Broken Heart. Stay the

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Speaker 1: h off of social media. Do not stalk your ex

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Speaker 1: on social do not check in, like just separate.

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Speaker 2: I imagine that would be really hard because in the

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Speaker 2: old days it was just left to your imagination to

392
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Speaker 2: think about how much fun they were having m with

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Speaker 2: You know, now you can see pictures of the nine

394
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Speaker 2: new boyfriends that she has, right, but yeah, you're right now,

395
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Speaker 2: or you know, maybe it helps.

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Speaker 1: I'm people, I don't know. I think it's imperative that

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Speaker 1: you not do that to help to help, Like, it's

398
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Speaker 1: not like watching them on social media will prevent you

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Speaker 1: from ever getting over it. I think no matter what

400
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:55,439
Speaker 1: you do, you're going to eventually get past this. Sure,

401
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:58,159
Speaker 1: but all you're doing is prolonging the process, and that

402
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Speaker 1: like unnecessarily.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. And then also when you were on the fMRI

404
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:07,159
Speaker 2: machine and they did brain scans from people who had

405
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Speaker 2: been broken up with recently, they found that very much

406
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Speaker 2: similar to people overcoming like an addiction to cocaine, and

407
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Speaker 2: that that same circuitry is of overcoming addiction is just

408
00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:20,120
Speaker 2: lighting up. It's that potent.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. So so far with this MRI study from Albert

410
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:26,200
Speaker 1: Einstein came up with is that you were in physical

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Speaker 1: pain from the breakup. Huh, And you're the same centers

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Speaker 1: that are activated by addiction. Cravings withdrawals are activated by

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Speaker 1: the breakup as well. That's astounding.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And this weird mental cycle happens basically when you

415
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Speaker 2: do look at like a photograph of a what they

416
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Speaker 2: say a former lover.

417
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Speaker 1: You're right, like the burger king laying rug pair skin rug.

418
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Speaker 2: But you will, you'll see the photo. And the weird

419
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Speaker 2: thing is you'll immediately get a reward. You will get

420
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Speaker 2: a dopamine hit, like a pleasurable feeling by seeing this person.

421
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Speaker 1: And then you realize, oh wait, well then you.

422
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Speaker 2: Get sad all right immediately afterward, and then that sagnus sagnus,

423
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Speaker 2: Where did that come from?

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Speaker 1: It is a little saggy feeling.

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Speaker 2: That triggers the brain's ventral tegmental area and the nucleus

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Speaker 2: acumen bins acumen bins.

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Speaker 1: I think, so, I know we've run into that before.

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Speaker 1: We just talk about the brain a lot more human beins.

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Speaker 2: I think we figured out the brain though, right, so

430
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Speaker 2: we stopped.

431
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:32,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, we were like done.

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Speaker 2: But these two things working together, regardless of how I

433
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:40,359
Speaker 2: mispronounced them, they trigger the urge to see that person.

434
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Speaker 2: So you get sad, and then your brain lights up

435
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:46,879
Speaker 2: in two areas and then you go, hey, I remember

436
00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:49,440
Speaker 2: that dopamine hit you get from looking this picture. Why

437
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Speaker 2: don't you just give them a call and see what's

438
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Speaker 2: going on?

439
00:23:52,119 --> 00:23:54,960
Speaker 1: Right? You want the real stuff? Go go get home.

440
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:59,720
Speaker 1: They also those two areas apparently also are analytical as

441
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:05,879
Speaker 1: well well. So they're responsible for rehashing the relationship, but

442
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:10,960
Speaker 1: apparently they're not very realistic because most people, when rehashing

443
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:14,359
Speaker 1: the relationship, highlight the good parts and forget about all

444
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:15,159
Speaker 1: the bad parts.

445
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:17,520
Speaker 2: I kind of have tended to do that, I think

446
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:18,359
Speaker 2: everybody does.

447
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:21,399
Speaker 1: I don't understand why. I don't know.

448
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:26,320
Speaker 2: I don't agree with that. Like Emily, and we of

449
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:29,440
Speaker 2: course been married so long the subject never comes up anymore.

450
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:33,320
Speaker 2: But I was always like, oh, with the old girlfriend,

451
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:35,960
Speaker 2: what was so bad there? And then if I really

452
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:38,560
Speaker 2: thought about it, I would remember where She's always like,

453
00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:39,680
Speaker 2: oh that was awful?

454
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:42,359
Speaker 1: Oh really? Yeah, gotcha? Well she's smart.

455
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:46,200
Speaker 2: Yeah maybe so and I'm not dumb dumb so but okay.

456
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:50,879
Speaker 1: So even and you're not dumb dumb, even if like

457
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,760
Speaker 1: you represent a third of people or a half of

458
00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:57,440
Speaker 1: people who do when rehashing, only think about the good

459
00:24:57,440 --> 00:25:00,359
Speaker 1: stuff and forget about all the negative stuff, like what

460
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:03,600
Speaker 1: is that? Why does that even happen? It's bizarre if

461
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:04,360
Speaker 1: you think about.

462
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:08,680
Speaker 2: The personality thing. What if I tend to be optimistic? Maybe?

463
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:11,760
Speaker 1: Or yeah, yeah, I guess that's a pretty good explanation

464
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:13,320
Speaker 1: to tell you the truth. What I was going to

465
00:25:13,359 --> 00:25:17,000
Speaker 1: say is if you look at relationships or romantic love

466
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:24,040
Speaker 1: sure as an evolutionary drive to pair and mate sure

467
00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:27,560
Speaker 1: successfully over and over again, and to stay together, that

468
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:30,639
Speaker 1: would bring you back to this person that you've already

469
00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:33,160
Speaker 1: connected with, rather than making you go look for another mate.

470
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:33,760
Speaker 2: That makes sense.

471
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:36,520
Speaker 1: So maybe it's kind of like a backstop or fail

472
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:41,120
Speaker 1: safe for breakups evolutionarily speaking.

473
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,440
Speaker 2: Right, Like I was so close to having nine babies,

474
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:46,160
Speaker 2: Like I really want to start all over again.

475
00:25:46,119 --> 00:25:48,880
Speaker 1: Right right, Which is funny because that means that Emily's

476
00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:51,520
Speaker 1: more evolved than you in that sense.

477
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:55,119
Speaker 2: Yeah, in every sense, that's awesome. But the end of

478
00:25:55,119 --> 00:25:58,000
Speaker 2: that mental cycle, basically, though, is those areas light up

479
00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:01,000
Speaker 2: that say go back and see that person. Then you

480
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:05,120
Speaker 2: are immediately unsatisfied and about the fact that that's not happening.

481
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:09,840
Speaker 2: That's when your pre frontal cortex trips into gear and

482
00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:12,399
Speaker 2: that's when you get angry. And it's just that mental

483
00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:15,600
Speaker 2: cycle that starts seeing that photo on a social media

484
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:19,880
Speaker 2: platform and ending up upset ye in the end.

485
00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:24,520
Speaker 1: But the same study led by Helen Fisher, found that

486
00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:29,720
Speaker 1: after over time, the same process is greatly degraded. Sure,

487
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:33,720
Speaker 1: I think they did a follow up in well months,

488
00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:38,639
Speaker 1: Conger says, found that the whole process and all of

489
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:42,280
Speaker 1: the neurochemicals and the brain regions are much less active,

490
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,440
Speaker 1: which again, just time, give it.

491
00:26:45,359 --> 00:26:47,800
Speaker 2: Time, right. But if you don't give it time and

492
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:49,720
Speaker 2: you do the thing where you do get back together,

493
00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:53,800
Speaker 2: that can be great, you know, it's sometimes you can

494
00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:55,400
Speaker 2: work it out and people can change.

495
00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:57,880
Speaker 1: But there's a big caveat there.

496
00:26:58,359 --> 00:27:02,199
Speaker 2: Well, right, go ahead, no no, no, no, you say yours okay,

497
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:04,400
Speaker 2: because I think I'm talking about something else.

498
00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:08,480
Speaker 1: So what I saw was that if you get back together,

499
00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:12,560
Speaker 1: rather than saying like this is a fresh start, we're

500
00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:15,560
Speaker 1: going to try this over again, we're going to really

501
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,600
Speaker 1: make a go of it. If you do that, all

502
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:19,560
Speaker 1: you're going to do is just walk right back into

503
00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:22,880
Speaker 1: the same pitfalls and pratfalls, because the separation probably did

504
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:28,240
Speaker 1: nothing or virtually nothing to your individual personalities, which are

505
00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:31,159
Speaker 1: the source of all of your conflicts. So it's not

506
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:33,439
Speaker 1: like you just magically worked your conflicts out and you're

507
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:36,720
Speaker 1: getting back together and everything's fine. That's just a charade.

508
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:40,520
Speaker 1: But if you get back together and say I decided

509
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:42,920
Speaker 1: I love you the way you are and I don't

510
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:46,640
Speaker 1: want to be away from you, and I just accept

511
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,320
Speaker 1: you for you, and I accept our relationship with all

512
00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:52,359
Speaker 1: of its problems. You're probably going to have a successful

513
00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:55,199
Speaker 1: reunion if you go into it like all of our

514
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:57,720
Speaker 1: problems are solved because we broke up. You're just going

515
00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:00,320
Speaker 1: to do the same thing again down the line. Apparently

516
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:04,919
Speaker 1: a fairly frequent thing that something like sixty percent or

517
00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:10,760
Speaker 1: some crazy percentage of younger the younger generation generation. Why,

518
00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:15,199
Speaker 1: I guess the process of breaking up the majority of

519
00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:19,720
Speaker 1: them that breakup involves getting back together multiple times, not

520
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:22,800
Speaker 1: just once. Yeah, so you're getting back together and just

521
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:25,439
Speaker 1: going through the same pattern. I think there's a field

522
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:28,800
Speaker 1: of thought in psychology called scripts. These are scripts that

523
00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:31,720
Speaker 1: we're playing out one another's scripts, and if you don't

524
00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:33,800
Speaker 1: alter the script, you're going to go through the same

525
00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:37,200
Speaker 1: script over and over again. You're working out the same

526
00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:40,480
Speaker 1: things from your past or from your childhood against one another,

527
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:42,800
Speaker 1: and you're not doing it the right way. So all

528
00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:45,880
Speaker 1: you're doing is creating conflict. And that doesn't just magically

529
00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:47,959
Speaker 1: go away because you spend a couple of months apart.

530
00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:50,880
Speaker 1: You have to just say i'd love you for who

531
00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:52,960
Speaker 1: you are, and we're going to just keep going.

532
00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:55,240
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think what I was going to say was,

533
00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:57,760
Speaker 2: don't they think though that that also depends on just

534
00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:00,840
Speaker 2: what kind of person you are in terms of thinking,

535
00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:04,440
Speaker 2: either people can really make substantial change in their lives

536
00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:05,040
Speaker 2: or they can't.

537
00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:08,440
Speaker 1: That's how how you deal with a breakup, which we'll

538
00:29:08,440 --> 00:29:09,320
Speaker 1: talk about in a minute.

539
00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:11,440
Speaker 2: That sounds like a good place for a break I.

540
00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:12,560
Speaker 1: Think so too, all right.

541
00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:43,280
Speaker 2: Before we get to that what we were just talking

542
00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:46,640
Speaker 2: about before the split. This is one piece of data

543
00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:52,360
Speaker 2: from the same sex couple community. Supposedly from studies, they

544
00:29:52,400 --> 00:29:55,520
Speaker 2: do think that same sex couples are better at staying friends.

545
00:29:55,920 --> 00:29:56,160
Speaker 1: Yeah.

546
00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:59,160
Speaker 2: I saw that after a breakup, which.

547
00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:06,920
Speaker 1: Particularly lesbian couples. Yeah, and then gay men and then

548
00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:08,800
Speaker 1: straight couples are.

549
00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:13,200
Speaker 2: Like, forget about it so long. Yeah, it's an interesting thing.

550
00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:15,959
Speaker 2: Can you really be friends after? And it all depends

551
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:19,680
Speaker 2: on how intense and how long and how kind of

552
00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:23,640
Speaker 2: a person you are. But yeah, it's interesting when I

553
00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:27,000
Speaker 2: meet people that legitimately are friends with people that they

554
00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:28,680
Speaker 2: seriously dated years later.

555
00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:31,200
Speaker 1: It's pretty rare, I think. Actually I think it's too.

556
00:30:31,280 --> 00:30:33,800
Speaker 1: I think it seems less rare because you see it

557
00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:38,000
Speaker 1: on like TV shows, A lot, you know, and it's

558
00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:42,000
Speaker 1: also almost aspirational, like, oh, look at how like how

559
00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:44,440
Speaker 1: laid back and like with these people are that they

560
00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:47,600
Speaker 1: can be friends after this, you know. I think it's

561
00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:50,960
Speaker 1: pretty rare, actually, I think it's an idealized form, right,

562
00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:53,760
Speaker 1: because people like to you like to think that like

563
00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:55,880
Speaker 1: you're on good terms with everybody in your life.

564
00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:58,160
Speaker 2: I think that's usually the person breaking up though. There

565
00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:00,320
Speaker 2: it's like I'd like to still be friends, right sure,

566
00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:03,000
Speaker 2: whereas the person getting broken up with this, like or

567
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:04,920
Speaker 2: you could get hit by car, right, yeah, and that

568
00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:05,840
Speaker 2: would solve the problem.

569
00:31:05,920 --> 00:31:09,680
Speaker 1: Yeah. And then sticking with the whole same sex straight thing,

570
00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:11,880
Speaker 1: are we saying straight still?

571
00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:16,240
Speaker 2: I don't know. That doesn't feel right, does it.

572
00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:21,840
Speaker 1: It doesn't, So let's just say same sex and hetero. Yeah, hetero.

573
00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:23,960
Speaker 2: There's a clinical name for it.

574
00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:31,640
Speaker 1: Boy. So the time and marriage seemed to be the

575
00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:33,760
Speaker 1: two greatest indicators, at least as far as this one

576
00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:38,440
Speaker 1: study I saw went for the likelihood of staying together

577
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:42,200
Speaker 1: over long periods of time. Right, all relationships, same sex

578
00:31:42,280 --> 00:31:48,160
Speaker 1: and hetero man woman, all of them are in at

579
00:31:48,200 --> 00:31:51,000
Speaker 1: the greatest risk of breakup within the first year or two.

580
00:31:51,720 --> 00:31:54,480
Speaker 1: And then it starts to drop precipitously. But I think

581
00:31:54,800 --> 00:32:02,239
Speaker 1: married hetero couples have a fairly low rate of a

582
00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:04,760
Speaker 1: low chance of breaking up over time. It's pretty much

583
00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:09,640
Speaker 1: flat the whole time, say, and then with same sex couples,

584
00:32:10,120 --> 00:32:13,000
Speaker 1: the same thing happens. The chance of breakup is pretty

585
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:15,160
Speaker 1: high at the beginning, and then it starts to come down,

586
00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:19,040
Speaker 1: and then it's basically tracks with hetero couples. For marriage,

587
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:22,160
Speaker 1: So marriage is kind of the factor. Time is the

588
00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:26,760
Speaker 1: second factor, but then time stops being a factor after

589
00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:30,719
Speaker 1: like thirty forty years. For unmarried couples, both hetero and

590
00:32:30,840 --> 00:32:33,320
Speaker 1: same sex, they start to break up after year like

591
00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:36,160
Speaker 1: thirty or forty, like, the chance of a breakup increases. Yeah,

592
00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:38,560
Speaker 1: but once you get married, once you get a ring

593
00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:42,240
Speaker 1: on it, over time, over like you know, decades is

594
00:32:42,240 --> 00:32:45,480
Speaker 1: what we're talking about. Your chance is almost nil of

595
00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:48,800
Speaker 1: breaking up, right, like less than I think of percent.

596
00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:52,240
Speaker 1: But that doesn't sound right because to like half of

597
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:56,360
Speaker 1: all marriages into divorce. Yeah, this thing was way off,

598
00:32:57,360 --> 00:33:00,320
Speaker 1: But maybe that's when taking into account, maybe that's front

599
00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:02,480
Speaker 1: loaded by all the divorces that happened in the first

600
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:03,760
Speaker 1: five years or anything like that.

601
00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:05,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay, that would make a little bit more sense.

602
00:33:05,800 --> 00:33:06,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, it does.

603
00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:09,160
Speaker 2: They do find that your chances of getting over a

604
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:14,520
Speaker 2: breakup or adjusting to that new post breakup life really

605
00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:20,400
Speaker 2: centers around regaining your sense of self. That when you

606
00:33:20,440 --> 00:33:24,200
Speaker 2: couple up with someone. It's not saying you can't have

607
00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:26,880
Speaker 2: a sense of self anymore, because it's very healthy too. Sure,

608
00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:33,040
Speaker 2: but there's an inevitable absorption and morphing that happens, and

609
00:33:33,160 --> 00:33:35,760
Speaker 2: a little bit of your sense of self goes away

610
00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:36,720
Speaker 2: when you couple.

611
00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:40,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, all the same friends, the same phone number, yeah,

612
00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:42,080
Speaker 1: and the same madre yes.

613
00:33:42,680 --> 00:33:45,880
Speaker 2: Yeah. Boy. What about couples that share the email address?

614
00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:47,920
Speaker 1: Yeah? You mean I have one? Really?

615
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:51,240
Speaker 2: Sure, never had one, But you have your own too, well.

616
00:33:51,200 --> 00:33:52,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, we just have our own, but we have our

617
00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:53,320
Speaker 1: shared one too.

618
00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:55,360
Speaker 2: I think I'm talking about the people that just have

619
00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:57,880
Speaker 2: the shared address. Sure, I've always found that interesting. Yeah,

620
00:33:57,920 --> 00:34:00,360
Speaker 2: I'm judging. I don't know anybody who just as a

621
00:34:00,680 --> 00:34:02,680
Speaker 2: shared address. I don't get why people would have the

622
00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:04,920
Speaker 2: same one. I guess I just always Emily sells a

623
00:34:04,920 --> 00:34:05,840
Speaker 2: MindSpring address.

624
00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:09,680
Speaker 1: Oh wow, is it Emily atmindspring dot com.

625
00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:12,640
Speaker 2: No, And that is the truth, because I'm not saying

626
00:34:12,680 --> 00:34:15,480
Speaker 2: that just to keep people from emailing her. But she's

627
00:34:15,719 --> 00:34:17,879
Speaker 2: she had it for so long and I make fun

628
00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:20,040
Speaker 2: of her all the time, sure because she still pays

629
00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:23,239
Speaker 2: like twenty dollars a year for this what And she

630
00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:25,160
Speaker 2: was like, I've had it for so long that I

631
00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:26,719
Speaker 2: just can't give it up.

632
00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:28,440
Speaker 1: Well that's why people stay on Facebook.

633
00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:30,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, Like, I'm not changing my email address.

634
00:34:30,239 --> 00:34:32,040
Speaker 1: There's like so many of your memories there.

635
00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:34,840
Speaker 2: It's like, well even that just her contact list and

636
00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:37,480
Speaker 2: every email, Like, I don't know, I just think it's funny.

637
00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:38,640
Speaker 2: I was like, where's that money going?

638
00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:44,799
Speaker 1: Right? Who owns MindSpring? The air of the mind Spring fortune?

639
00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:47,200
Speaker 1: He can count on twenty bucks a month.

640
00:34:47,719 --> 00:34:51,560
Speaker 2: Back of cigarettes every month because of Emily yep oh

641
00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:58,759
Speaker 2: Man and then for recovery the whole stress related growth

642
00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:02,239
Speaker 2: thing that can happen with which is and I think

643
00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:05,000
Speaker 2: women tend to be more apt to do this than men.

644
00:35:05,080 --> 00:35:08,439
Speaker 2: But like, all right, you know what, I'm free now.

645
00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:11,759
Speaker 2: I'm gonna do all those things that I lost while

646
00:35:11,800 --> 00:35:14,400
Speaker 2: I was with him. I didn't have time for my

647
00:35:14,440 --> 00:35:16,319
Speaker 2: friends anymore. I lost connections with them.

648
00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:19,160
Speaker 1: I didn't do I didn't fly model airplanes or RCA

649
00:35:19,239 --> 00:35:19,879
Speaker 1: airplanes anymore.

650
00:35:19,880 --> 00:35:21,920
Speaker 2: I'm gonna drop some weight. I'm gonna start eating healthier.

651
00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:25,319
Speaker 2: The post breakup weight loss is a huge, huge thing.

652
00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:28,440
Speaker 2: It is, and partially from stress, but partially just because

653
00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:30,640
Speaker 2: like I'm gonna make myself the best I can be

654
00:35:31,160 --> 00:35:32,879
Speaker 2: and I'll show her or him.

655
00:35:33,080 --> 00:35:36,080
Speaker 1: I think it's also like just as simple as like

656
00:35:36,280 --> 00:35:37,160
Speaker 1: more free time.

657
00:35:37,560 --> 00:35:40,319
Speaker 2: Sure, you know too, and something to do that is,

658
00:35:40,840 --> 00:35:44,960
Speaker 2: you know, exercises also stress relieving. You might not be

659
00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:48,040
Speaker 2: eating as much because your stomach is tied up into stress.

660
00:35:48,120 --> 00:35:48,640
Speaker 1: Nots right.

661
00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:50,480
Speaker 2: So there are a bunch of reasons for it.

662
00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:54,200
Speaker 1: But here is that. Here's where that that part you

663
00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:56,000
Speaker 1: were talking about earlier I said we would get to

664
00:35:56,120 --> 00:35:59,800
Speaker 1: kind of kicks in. Is how much of the so

665
00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:05,160
Speaker 1: you identify with does relate to how well you handle

666
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:07,319
Speaker 1: a breakup? How much of your how much of the

667
00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:10,600
Speaker 1: you is the we in the relationship? Yeah, And what

668
00:36:10,719 --> 00:36:13,239
Speaker 1: they found is that that's a huge part of it.

669
00:36:13,560 --> 00:36:17,240
Speaker 1: But more significant is the amount of growth that happens

670
00:36:17,280 --> 00:36:19,920
Speaker 1: while you're in a relationship, Like you can share a

671
00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:23,640
Speaker 1: tremendous amount of the same self with your significant other

672
00:36:24,239 --> 00:36:27,160
Speaker 1: and grow as a person as a result. And if

673
00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:30,760
Speaker 1: you do that, you're actually going to have a harder

674
00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:36,719
Speaker 1: breakup because that we that that super attachment that led

675
00:36:36,719 --> 00:36:39,120
Speaker 1: to that personal growth is related to that other person

676
00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:42,759
Speaker 1: who's now gone. Whereas if you were you even if

677
00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:45,440
Speaker 1: you were totally in messed with another person, but you

678
00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:48,719
Speaker 1: didn't grow much personally. If you experience a burst of

679
00:36:48,800 --> 00:36:52,400
Speaker 1: growth after the breakup, you're going to have the easiest

680
00:36:52,440 --> 00:36:55,279
Speaker 1: breakup of all. Even though you were super in messed

681
00:36:55,360 --> 00:36:58,920
Speaker 1: with the person, you weren't growing, But then you grow afterward.

682
00:36:59,320 --> 00:37:02,160
Speaker 1: Now that period of non growth is related to that

683
00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:05,120
Speaker 1: person who's gone, and you can be like, so long zero,

684
00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:12,200
Speaker 1: I'm gonna make myself a hero, yeah, DC, sure did

685
00:37:12,200 --> 00:37:15,520
Speaker 1: they come across? Yeah, because sometimes I'm not the best

686
00:37:15,520 --> 00:37:16,840
Speaker 1: at explaining things.

687
00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:19,120
Speaker 2: Which is pretty funny if you think about it.

688
00:37:19,120 --> 00:37:19,799
Speaker 1: It really is.

689
00:37:22,040 --> 00:37:25,239
Speaker 2: In two thousand, they did a study at Northwestern University

690
00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:29,360
Speaker 2: where they did find out though that they ask people,

691
00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:34,279
Speaker 2: I believe, how bad do you think this breakup is

692
00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:37,600
Speaker 2: going to be? If you know you're in a relationship,

693
00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:40,480
Speaker 2: what if you broke up? And then they found out

694
00:37:40,520 --> 00:37:43,839
Speaker 2: that they weren't as bad off as they thought they

695
00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:45,200
Speaker 2: would be, which is encouraging.

696
00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:48,360
Speaker 1: It is, but also think about this, Chuck, These vultures

697
00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:51,480
Speaker 1: who are running the study where like, you're in a relationship,

698
00:37:51,640 --> 00:37:54,560
Speaker 1: just we're going to study just in case you guys

699
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:57,440
Speaker 1: break up. Yeah, And so they would get that info,

700
00:37:57,560 --> 00:38:00,200
Speaker 1: that self reporting info about how bad the breakup of be,

701
00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:03,320
Speaker 1: and then they swooped in upon the breakup. They're like,

702
00:38:03,360 --> 00:38:04,040
Speaker 1: how bad is it?

703
00:38:04,280 --> 00:38:04,520
Speaker 2: Yeah?

704
00:38:04,760 --> 00:38:08,239
Speaker 1: Tell us And the person was like, well, this is

705
00:38:08,239 --> 00:38:10,720
Speaker 1: as bad as it is, And it was almost across

706
00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:14,400
Speaker 1: the board. Yeah, not anywhere near as bad as the

707
00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:18,359
Speaker 1: people thought it would be when they were in the relationship. Yeah,

708
00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:20,840
Speaker 1: which is pretty surprising. And what was even more surprising

709
00:38:20,920 --> 00:38:24,799
Speaker 1: is the more in love you are, the easier it's

710
00:38:24,840 --> 00:38:27,000
Speaker 1: going to be relative to how bad do you think

711
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:29,720
Speaker 1: it will be during the relationship, right, Which makes sense

712
00:38:29,840 --> 00:38:31,239
Speaker 1: if you stop and think about it.

713
00:38:31,560 --> 00:38:33,600
Speaker 2: Yeah. I thought the other interesting thing too, when we

714
00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:38,280
Speaker 2: were talking about getting over a breakup and your sense

715
00:38:38,320 --> 00:38:42,240
Speaker 2: of self, that's closely tied to how you feel about rejection.

716
00:38:43,360 --> 00:38:46,440
Speaker 2: And there are a couple of I mean more than

717
00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:51,000
Speaker 2: a couple of ways. But if your reflection of your

718
00:38:52,680 --> 00:38:55,120
Speaker 2: how you think about rejection is tied heavily into how

719
00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:58,399
Speaker 2: you feel about yourself, so there's some people that might

720
00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:01,520
Speaker 2: be rejected and it might devastate them because they start

721
00:39:01,560 --> 00:39:04,360
Speaker 2: to analyze themselves and what did I do wrong? And

722
00:39:04,400 --> 00:39:06,879
Speaker 2: what's wrong with me? Right, there's a whole other camp

723
00:39:06,880 --> 00:39:10,560
Speaker 2: out there, And I think this goes into personality and

724
00:39:10,600 --> 00:39:12,960
Speaker 2: ego and all that stuff. But you call these people

725
00:39:13,200 --> 00:39:19,040
Speaker 2: healthy or sociopaths, maybe, Oh, it's probably on a range.

726
00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:22,200
Speaker 1: Wow, I just we just put both of our cards

727
00:39:22,239 --> 00:39:23,120
Speaker 1: on the table. Then.

728
00:39:24,239 --> 00:39:27,160
Speaker 2: But the people that are like, yeah, I got broken

729
00:39:27,239 --> 00:39:29,440
Speaker 2: up with and I but and I got rejected. But

730
00:39:29,719 --> 00:39:33,080
Speaker 2: you know, as happens that happens in life, people get rejected.

731
00:39:33,080 --> 00:39:35,719
Speaker 2: It's not because of me, I just not everyone. You know,

732
00:39:35,840 --> 00:39:36,960
Speaker 2: So you find together, you.

733
00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:39,839
Speaker 1: Find this quote sociopathic. I learned that two people can

734
00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:43,040
Speaker 1: both be quality individuals, but that doesn't mean they belong together.

735
00:39:43,400 --> 00:39:44,799
Speaker 1: That's sociopathic to you.

736
00:39:44,960 --> 00:39:47,960
Speaker 2: That's that was Oh wait, it says you said that

737
00:39:48,040 --> 00:39:48,720
Speaker 2: it was Ted.

738
00:39:48,560 --> 00:39:51,200
Speaker 1: Bundy, Patrick Bateman.

739
00:39:51,440 --> 00:39:53,879
Speaker 2: No, no, no, I don't think it necessarily necessarily means

740
00:39:53,880 --> 00:39:56,600
Speaker 2: you're a sociopath. But I think someone with that is

741
00:39:56,640 --> 00:39:59,840
Speaker 2: a true sociopath would probably be way more apt to

742
00:39:59,880 --> 00:40:01,920
Speaker 2: be like, oh yeah, well.

743
00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:03,040
Speaker 1: It was them, not me.

744
00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:05,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, It's like it's fine, your point breakup.

745
00:40:05,360 --> 00:40:08,600
Speaker 1: There's a sub a subgroup to that sociopath as you

746
00:40:08,680 --> 00:40:11,759
Speaker 1: call it camp, and they are like, well, breakups happen.

747
00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:15,640
Speaker 1: I heard what the other person said, and there's some

748
00:40:15,680 --> 00:40:17,719
Speaker 1: things I feel like I need to work on, Like say,

749
00:40:17,880 --> 00:40:20,560
Speaker 1: I was a terrible communicator, so I'm going to work

750
00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:23,480
Speaker 1: on becoming a better communicator as a result. It's called

751
00:40:23,520 --> 00:40:26,680
Speaker 1: stress related growth is what that's called. Where you're growing

752
00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:32,320
Speaker 1: out of this horrific experience. And that's healthy, that's super healthy.

753
00:40:33,320 --> 00:40:38,080
Speaker 1: But they the key is what's unhealthy is to say

754
00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:41,080
Speaker 1: this was all because of some fatal flaw that I have,

755
00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:44,600
Speaker 1: that's part of my personality that I'll never be able

756
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:46,480
Speaker 1: to get rid of. And so all I'm going to

757
00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:49,600
Speaker 1: do is poison every relationship from here on out, and

758
00:40:49,640 --> 00:40:51,560
Speaker 1: I'm just going to build walls and keep everybody at

759
00:40:51,560 --> 00:40:53,960
Speaker 1: a distance. And that's what some people do as a

760
00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:56,839
Speaker 1: result of a breakup. And you can't do that. Even

761
00:40:56,880 --> 00:40:59,920
Speaker 1: if your brain starts to go that way. This research says,

762
00:41:00,360 --> 00:41:05,880
Speaker 1: stop it. Don't you have to disassociate yourself become the sociopath.

763
00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:08,840
Speaker 1: I guess if it need be to say this is

764
00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:13,400
Speaker 1: not because of an inherent flaw in me, that's uncorrectable,

765
00:41:13,719 --> 00:41:15,759
Speaker 1: even if the person was right, even if they're like,

766
00:41:15,960 --> 00:41:20,520
Speaker 1: you're a terrible communicator and you have serious mommy issues,

767
00:41:21,120 --> 00:41:23,800
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean that you will always be a terrible

768
00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:28,040
Speaker 1: communicator with serious mommy issues. You could work on those

769
00:41:28,120 --> 00:41:32,839
Speaker 1: post breakup and become a much better SOO to the

770
00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:36,759
Speaker 1: next person or whatever. The key is not being a

771
00:41:36,800 --> 00:41:40,040
Speaker 1: fatalist like there's nothing you can do to change. And

772
00:41:40,080 --> 00:41:42,720
Speaker 1: then also you should evaluate whether the person was saying

773
00:41:42,719 --> 00:41:45,080
Speaker 1: that in anger, how much faith you put in their

774
00:41:45,120 --> 00:41:47,480
Speaker 1: opinion of you. There's a lot of factors that you

775
00:41:47,560 --> 00:41:50,879
Speaker 1: need to take into account before you take on that

776
00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:53,360
Speaker 1: kind of thing that just puts you in the bottom

777
00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:57,239
Speaker 1: of a well where you could conceivably hang out for

778
00:41:57,280 --> 00:42:00,800
Speaker 1: the rest of your life if you're not careful without

779
00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:02,640
Speaker 1: copious amounts of therapy.

780
00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:05,360
Speaker 2: Yeah agreed, or turning to drugs and alcohol, which is

781
00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:08,120
Speaker 2: a big, gin yeah, big thing that a lot of

782
00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:08,600
Speaker 2: people do.

783
00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:09,840
Speaker 1: Gin cuts both ways.

784
00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:12,720
Speaker 2: Should we talk about some of these tips from.

785
00:42:12,600 --> 00:42:16,600
Speaker 1: This guy, the psychologist Guy Wench. Remember number one is

786
00:42:17,040 --> 00:42:19,000
Speaker 1: don't check up on them on social media.

787
00:42:19,160 --> 00:42:19,799
Speaker 2: Good luck with that.

788
00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:23,320
Speaker 1: Here's why. He says that this will reinforce your ex's

789
00:42:23,360 --> 00:42:25,960
Speaker 1: presence in your mind and will make it harder for

790
00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:29,520
Speaker 1: you to stop fantasizing about your broken relationship. You're basically

791
00:42:29,560 --> 00:42:33,440
Speaker 1: just like literally keeping them right there in front of

792
00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:36,200
Speaker 1: your face, right through social media. Yeah, which is why

793
00:42:36,200 --> 00:42:38,000
Speaker 1: it's a bad idea.

794
00:42:39,040 --> 00:42:42,800
Speaker 2: Number two, avoid creating mysteries about why the breakup happened.

795
00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:47,000
Speaker 2: And again, this is along those same lines of just

796
00:42:47,080 --> 00:42:51,640
Speaker 2: keeping your ex like forefront in your mind, which is hard.

797
00:42:51,680 --> 00:42:54,640
Speaker 2: I mean it's gonna take a little while. Sure, he says,

798
00:42:55,120 --> 00:42:57,439
Speaker 2: next day to pop up and just be like, well,

799
00:42:57,520 --> 00:42:58,440
Speaker 2: they're out of my mind.

800
00:42:58,960 --> 00:42:59,960
Speaker 1: That's sociopathic.

801
00:43:00,080 --> 00:43:03,799
Speaker 2: Yeah, even if you're the breaker upper, you know, it

802
00:43:03,840 --> 00:43:05,759
Speaker 2: doesn't mean that you don't have a process to go

803
00:43:05,800 --> 00:43:06,319
Speaker 2: through as well.

804
00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:09,360
Speaker 1: Sure, you know, but that's why he says, avoid creating mysteries,

805
00:43:09,400 --> 00:43:11,640
Speaker 1: like it's it's probably going to happen, but like be

806
00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:14,480
Speaker 1: mindful when it's going on and be like enough, I'm

807
00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:16,640
Speaker 1: going to go work out, yeah, or go drink some

808
00:43:16,719 --> 00:43:18,400
Speaker 1: gin or both.

809
00:43:19,680 --> 00:43:21,480
Speaker 2: Number three, Make a list of all the comp Oh,

810
00:43:21,480 --> 00:43:23,160
Speaker 2: this is a good one. Make a list of all

811
00:43:23,160 --> 00:43:26,160
Speaker 2: the compromises that you had to make that you don't

812
00:43:26,160 --> 00:43:28,200
Speaker 2: want to make again. Start to think about like, yeah,

813
00:43:28,280 --> 00:43:30,520
Speaker 2: you know when I was with this person, I felt

814
00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:33,680
Speaker 2: like I could never really have my real sense of

815
00:43:33,760 --> 00:43:36,560
Speaker 2: humor out in public because they thought it was loud.

816
00:43:36,840 --> 00:43:43,480
Speaker 1: That counters that that rehashing that just focuses on the positive. Yeah,

817
00:43:43,600 --> 00:43:46,680
Speaker 1: it cuts the legs out from under that set and legs.

818
00:43:46,760 --> 00:43:47,719
Speaker 1: What about Number four?

819
00:43:48,239 --> 00:43:50,360
Speaker 2: Do the things that used to bring you enjoyment? Is

820
00:43:50,440 --> 00:43:52,759
Speaker 2: kind of what I was talking about earlier, even if

821
00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:55,640
Speaker 2: they don't seem interesting now. That whole thing where like, Jeez,

822
00:43:55,680 --> 00:44:00,600
Speaker 2: I used to really love pottery right and throwing clay, sure,

823
00:44:00,640 --> 00:44:02,440
Speaker 2: and I just I quit doing it once I started

824
00:44:02,520 --> 00:44:03,840
Speaker 2: dating Josh.

825
00:44:03,920 --> 00:44:08,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, Clay throwing my house.

826
00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:11,200
Speaker 2: H and Josh hated it when Chuck went to the

827
00:44:11,360 --> 00:44:14,839
Speaker 2: Potter's Wheel because it reminded him of Ghost And Josh

828
00:44:14,880 --> 00:44:17,200
Speaker 2: hated that movie, so he wouldn't allow me to do it.

829
00:44:17,920 --> 00:44:20,160
Speaker 2: But you know what, I'm going to reclaim that pottery wheel.

830
00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:23,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, which is ironic because I was always walking around

831
00:44:23,800 --> 00:44:27,279
Speaker 1: our house just like Patrick swayzey in that scene. But

832
00:44:27,360 --> 00:44:32,040
Speaker 1: I still hated that movie. Oh that was more like

833
00:44:32,040 --> 00:44:35,920
Speaker 1: the Chris Farley, Chippindale Patrick swayzee version.

834
00:44:36,920 --> 00:44:41,040
Speaker 2: Number five Remove reminders. This is the box that you

835
00:44:41,040 --> 00:44:44,000
Speaker 2: will burn, which is now just throw your laptop in

836
00:44:44,040 --> 00:44:46,960
Speaker 2: the fireplace, right in your smartphone.

837
00:44:46,920 --> 00:44:48,960
Speaker 1: And then like reconnect with your friends, Like, yeah, you

838
00:44:49,080 --> 00:44:51,680
Speaker 1: left him in the dusty years ago, but they're still alive.

839
00:44:52,160 --> 00:44:53,920
Speaker 1: They probably wouldn't mind hearing from you. Yeah.

840
00:44:53,960 --> 00:44:57,319
Speaker 2: The problem here is is if you truly do have

841
00:44:57,360 --> 00:45:00,400
Speaker 2: a mix of friends that you both love, not like

842
00:45:00,520 --> 00:45:03,719
Speaker 2: I didn't leave behind all my old friends. Or the

843
00:45:03,760 --> 00:45:06,319
Speaker 2: worst case scenario is like all of my friends are

844
00:45:06,360 --> 00:45:08,520
Speaker 2: from you. Now what do I do?

845
00:45:09,120 --> 00:45:11,799
Speaker 1: Go down to the YMCA and make some new friends?

846
00:45:12,480 --> 00:45:15,239
Speaker 2: I guess. So I found this one last study I

847
00:45:15,239 --> 00:45:17,880
Speaker 2: thought was interesting. The best way to get over a

848
00:45:17,920 --> 00:45:21,000
Speaker 2: breakup according to science, And this is actually published in

849
00:45:21,000 --> 00:45:25,520
Speaker 2: the Journal of Experimental Psychology, And they tested a bunch

850
00:45:25,560 --> 00:45:31,080
Speaker 2: of strategies for getting over a breakup twenty four heartbroken

851
00:45:31,120 --> 00:45:34,319
Speaker 2: people ages twenty to thirty seven that had been in

852
00:45:34,400 --> 00:45:36,759
Speaker 2: at least a two and a half year relationship, so

853
00:45:36,840 --> 00:45:40,600
Speaker 2: pretty significant. Some were dumpies, some were dumpers, and they

854
00:45:40,680 --> 00:45:45,080
Speaker 2: said there were three strategies. One is to negatively reappraise

855
00:45:45,239 --> 00:45:49,880
Speaker 2: your ex just think about all the bad things. The

856
00:45:49,960 --> 00:45:55,360
Speaker 2: other one was called love reappraisal, which is believe and

857
00:45:55,400 --> 00:45:57,680
Speaker 2: read statements like it's okay to love someone I'm no

858
00:45:57,719 --> 00:46:01,759
Speaker 2: longer with it's all right. And then the third was distraction,

859
00:46:02,520 --> 00:46:07,160
Speaker 2: literally the ice cream and look over here movies trick,

860
00:46:07,719 --> 00:46:10,320
Speaker 2: the black mirror trick. And then there was the fourth prompt,

861
00:46:10,360 --> 00:46:12,480
Speaker 2: which was the control, which was don't think about anything.

862
00:46:13,239 --> 00:46:15,480
Speaker 2: Of course means you're thinking of the stape of March Vela.

863
00:46:15,600 --> 00:46:18,960
Speaker 1: You don't think about anything. Really, just undermine the science

864
00:46:19,320 --> 00:46:20,760
Speaker 1: of that clear brain.

865
00:46:21,280 --> 00:46:24,200
Speaker 2: So those were the four prompts. Then they showed everyone,

866
00:46:24,239 --> 00:46:27,440
Speaker 2: They hooked everyone up to an EEG machine, showed them

867
00:46:27,480 --> 00:46:30,719
Speaker 2: photos of their exes, and they measured the intensity of

868
00:46:30,760 --> 00:46:34,879
Speaker 2: emotion in response to that photo, and then had them

869
00:46:35,239 --> 00:46:37,719
Speaker 2: use these different prompts to see which one works best.

870
00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:40,399
Speaker 1: When they looked in the people who were not thinking

871
00:46:40,400 --> 00:46:43,160
Speaker 1: about anything, they were bleeding out of their eye sockets.

872
00:46:43,280 --> 00:46:47,960
Speaker 2: They were and according to the readings, all three, all

873
00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:51,800
Speaker 2: three of the strategies significantly decreased their emotional response to

874
00:46:51,960 --> 00:46:57,160
Speaker 2: the photos really relative to the control. If you looked

875
00:46:57,280 --> 00:47:01,200
Speaker 2: at your ex in a negative light that first one,

876
00:47:01,280 --> 00:47:03,760
Speaker 2: like there was such a jerk. You had a decrease

877
00:47:03,800 --> 00:47:06,680
Speaker 2: in feelings of love, but you left in a worse

878
00:47:06,800 --> 00:47:09,440
Speaker 2: mood like that judged up bad feelings.

879
00:47:09,120 --> 00:47:11,560
Speaker 1: Like you wasted your time or something all that.

880
00:47:12,160 --> 00:47:14,959
Speaker 2: Maybe or just like just really took me off thinking

881
00:47:14,960 --> 00:47:15,720
Speaker 2: about all that stuff.

882
00:47:15,800 --> 00:47:16,359
Speaker 1: Right? You know?

883
00:47:16,480 --> 00:47:18,600
Speaker 2: So now did dumb study.

884
00:47:19,400 --> 00:47:20,160
Speaker 1: Drove some clay?

885
00:47:20,480 --> 00:47:25,480
Speaker 2: That's right, distraction made feel made you feel better overall,

886
00:47:27,800 --> 00:47:30,200
Speaker 2: but didn't that have much of an effect on how

887
00:47:30,239 --> 00:47:32,960
Speaker 2: you really felt about them? Okay, you just didn't leave

888
00:47:33,000 --> 00:47:35,080
Speaker 2: it necessarily a bad mood. You just got ice cream

889
00:47:35,120 --> 00:47:37,560
Speaker 2: and watched a funny movie good enough, which is fine.

890
00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:39,680
Speaker 2: But they said that that doesn't do anything long term

891
00:47:39,680 --> 00:47:42,360
Speaker 2: to help you recover. Oh okay, just like a temporary whatever.

892
00:47:42,440 --> 00:47:45,600
Speaker 1: Does it prolong it? Though? Do you think? I mean,

893
00:47:45,640 --> 00:47:49,040
Speaker 1: you know as much as the people conducting it said.

894
00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:51,680
Speaker 2: It's a form of avoidance that is shown to reduce

895
00:47:51,719 --> 00:47:52,360
Speaker 2: the recovery.

896
00:47:52,520 --> 00:47:54,759
Speaker 1: Okay, so it would prolong it. Then, I guess. So

897
00:47:55,000 --> 00:47:58,480
Speaker 1: everybody stop eating ice cream and watching Black Mirror.

898
00:47:58,600 --> 00:48:01,480
Speaker 2: And then love Appraisal show no effect on your mood

899
00:48:01,840 --> 00:48:05,080
Speaker 2: or how you feel about them, but it did dull

900
00:48:05,200 --> 00:48:07,520
Speaker 2: the emotional response a little bit, So.

901
00:48:07,440 --> 00:48:08,960
Speaker 1: There's really nothing to do.

902
00:48:09,520 --> 00:48:10,479
Speaker 2: Doesn't sound like it.

903
00:48:11,120 --> 00:48:14,640
Speaker 1: I saw a couple more tips. One is you could

904
00:48:14,640 --> 00:48:18,440
Speaker 1: write a letter that under no circumstances, will you ever send?

905
00:48:18,640 --> 00:48:23,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a good trick actually reship price like anything

906
00:48:23,440 --> 00:48:23,960
Speaker 2: bothering her.

907
00:48:24,239 --> 00:48:28,040
Speaker 1: It also really works well for grieving too. You just

908
00:48:28,080 --> 00:48:30,480
Speaker 1: write a letter, sure, and you say whatever you want

909
00:48:30,480 --> 00:48:32,680
Speaker 1: because you know for a fact that the other person

910
00:48:32,719 --> 00:48:35,919
Speaker 1: will never read it. You could say whatever you want

911
00:48:36,040 --> 00:48:38,640
Speaker 1: and it's just like a cathartic process that can help

912
00:48:38,680 --> 00:48:43,640
Speaker 1: hasten things. And then also, why do sad songs feel

913
00:48:43,760 --> 00:48:46,360
Speaker 1: so good when you're going through a breakup? Why do

914
00:48:46,440 --> 00:48:49,919
Speaker 1: people seek out sad songs? And the best explanation I saw,

915
00:48:50,000 --> 00:48:53,560
Speaker 1: the best theory is that a song is a little

916
00:48:53,600 --> 00:48:56,720
Speaker 1: capsule of emotion, and when you're seeking out a sad song,

917
00:48:57,040 --> 00:49:01,399
Speaker 1: you're confronting the very emotions that you're probably stifling right then,

918
00:49:01,960 --> 00:49:05,080
Speaker 1: and confronting it in such a raw form forces you

919
00:49:05,120 --> 00:49:09,440
Speaker 1: to express those emotions i e. Cry and that helps

920
00:49:09,480 --> 00:49:12,920
Speaker 1: you process them faster because you're you're not pushing them

921
00:49:12,960 --> 00:49:16,200
Speaker 1: off any longer. You're you're you're you're expressing them, you're

922
00:49:16,200 --> 00:49:19,400
Speaker 1: sorting through them. So that's what sad songs make you do.

923
00:49:19,520 --> 00:49:22,120
Speaker 1: That's why people seek out sad songs when they're down,

924
00:49:22,440 --> 00:49:29,400
Speaker 1: and it actually helps hasten recovery Lady in Red. I

925
00:49:29,440 --> 00:49:31,960
Speaker 1: don't think that's a sad standing with me.

926
00:49:32,320 --> 00:49:33,399
Speaker 2: That's the saddest song.

927
00:49:33,480 --> 00:49:36,560
Speaker 1: You're like, savely it takes me away?

928
00:49:36,960 --> 00:49:41,160
Speaker 2: That uh sailing by Christopher Cross Lady in Red, and

929
00:49:41,200 --> 00:49:45,399
Speaker 2: then Dan Fogelberg's saying same old anxione right, three set

930
00:49:45,440 --> 00:49:45,799
Speaker 2: of songs.

931
00:49:45,880 --> 00:49:49,840
Speaker 1: Jerry knows that song. Those were two Christopher Cross songs.

932
00:49:49,840 --> 00:49:51,040
Speaker 1: He's got two of the three sets.

933
00:49:51,040 --> 00:49:52,640
Speaker 2: No, Lady in Red's not Christopher Cross.

934
00:49:52,800 --> 00:49:53,400
Speaker 1: I think it is.

935
00:49:53,520 --> 00:49:56,960
Speaker 2: Now five dollars, Jerry, we're all nodding.

936
00:49:57,000 --> 00:49:59,480
Speaker 1: Now, five dollars is on the table.

937
00:49:59,520 --> 00:50:00,640
Speaker 2: All right, I'll look it up.

938
00:50:01,000 --> 00:50:03,279
Speaker 1: Well, you guys will find out next episode whether I

939
00:50:03,320 --> 00:50:03,960
Speaker 1: was right or not.

940
00:50:04,520 --> 00:50:05,640
Speaker 2: I remember the guy's name.

941
00:50:06,000 --> 00:50:11,040
Speaker 1: It's Christopher Cross. Oh, Jerry's rarely doing one of her

942
00:50:11,080 --> 00:50:15,960
Speaker 1: rare speaking parts. She says, Christoph Waltz. That's the actor.

943
00:50:16,520 --> 00:50:18,640
Speaker 2: You know. What's funny is I mistyped something and it

944
00:50:18,880 --> 00:50:22,759
Speaker 2: changed my search to Lady in Red wings like red

945
00:50:22,760 --> 00:50:25,200
Speaker 2: wing boots. Boot must be a fetish side, I guess.

946
00:50:25,200 --> 00:50:28,319
Speaker 1: So. Yeah. If you want to get in touch with me,

947
00:50:28,480 --> 00:50:31,200
Speaker 1: Chuck or Jerry, you can shoot us an email to

948
00:50:31,360 --> 00:50:34,000
Speaker 1: Stuff Podcast how Stuff Works dot.

949
00:50:33,880 --> 00:50:39,640
Speaker 2: Com Stuff You Should Know is a production of iHeartRadio.

950
00:50:40,120 --> 00:50:43,320
Speaker 2: For more podcasts my heart Radio, visit the iHeartRadio app,

951
00:50:43,520 --> 00:50:46,440
Speaker 2: Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.