Speaker 1: Reaching five million subscribers on YouTube is a milestone I
Speaker 1: could never have imagined when On Purpose first began. Over
Speaker 1: the years, I've had the honor of sitting with some
Speaker 1: of the most extraordinary people in the world, artists, world leaders, athletes,
Speaker 1: visionaries and experts. These conversations have offered us glimpses into
Speaker 1: how greatness is built, how vulnerability becomes strength, and how
Speaker 1: love and resilience shape our lives. I'm truly grateful for
Speaker 1: how far we've come, and it's all because of you.
Speaker 1: It's also just the beginning. So today we're celebrating our
Speaker 1: community and this milestone by revisiting some of the most
Speaker 1: significant moments from incredible guests along the way.
Speaker 2: The Number one Health and Wellness podcast set Jay Shet.
Speaker 1: I remember this one really well because I was in France.
Speaker 1: I flew to London to take a flight to the US,
Speaker 1: and then flew back to London to interview Tom All
Speaker 1: within twenty four hours. When I spoke with Tom Holland,
Speaker 1: he shared something deeply personal, his decision to quit drinking.
Speaker 1: In a world that celebrates alcohol. He stepped away to
Speaker 1: protect his mental and emotional health, and he's not alone
Speaker 1: surveys show more young people are choosing sobriety than ever before,
Speaker 1: with many saying they feel healthier and more present. Here's
Speaker 1: Tom on how that choice changed his life. One of
Speaker 1: the things that you mentioned recently was that you gave
Speaker 1: up drinking about a year and a half ago. Yes,
Speaker 1: and you said it was the hardest thing you ever did. Yes,
Speaker 1: And I wanted to know what was so hard about
Speaker 1: it for you? Why was it so hard.
Speaker 3: It's interesting I didn't one day wake up and say
Speaker 3: I'm giving up drinking. I just like many Brits, had
Speaker 3: had a very, very boozy December Christmas time. I was
Speaker 3: on vacation. I was drinking a lot. And I've always
Speaker 3: been able to drink a lot. I think I get
Speaker 3: my genes from my mom's side in that thing that.
Speaker 4: I can drink.
Speaker 3: And I decided to just give up for January. I
Speaker 3: just wanted to do dry January. And all I could
Speaker 3: think about was having a drink. It's all I could
Speaker 3: think about. I was waking up thinking about it. I
Speaker 3: was checking the clock, when's it twelve, And it just
Speaker 3: really scared me. I just was like, Wow, maybe maybe
Speaker 3: I have a little bit of an alcohol thing. So
Speaker 3: I sort of decided to punish myself and say, I'll
Speaker 3: do February as well. I'll do two months off. If
Speaker 3: I can do two months off, then I can prove
Speaker 3: to myself I don't have a problem. Two months go by,
Speaker 3: and I was still really struggling. I felt like I
Speaker 3: couldn't be social. I felt like I couldn't go to
Speaker 3: the pub and have a lime soda, I couldn't go
Speaker 3: out for dinner. I was really really struggling, and I
Speaker 3: started to really worry that maybe I had an alcohol problem.
Speaker 3: So I decided that I would wait until my birthday,
Speaker 3: which is June first. I said to myself, if I
Speaker 3: can do six months without alcohol, then I can prove
Speaker 3: to myself that I don't have a problem. And by
Speaker 3: the time I had got to June first, I was
Speaker 3: the happiest I had ever been in my life. I
Speaker 3: could sleep better, I could handle problems better. Things that
Speaker 3: would go wrong on set that would normally set me off,
Speaker 3: I could take in my stride. I had so much,
Speaker 3: such better mental clarity. I felt healthier, I felt fitter,
Speaker 3: and I just sort of said to myself, why am
Speaker 3: I enslaved to this drink? Why am I so obsessed
Speaker 3: by the idea of having this drink, and I would
Speaker 3: look back and recognize that I would go to events
Speaker 3: for work and be like, I can't enjoy myself until
Speaker 3: I've had a few beers, and I just felt so
Speaker 3: much pressure. And this is one of the things where
Speaker 3: I've sort of distanced myself from the rugby community because
Speaker 3: so much of it is about how much can you drink.
Speaker 3: Let's get you as drunk as possible. And it's honestly
Speaker 3: been the best thing I've ever done. I'm a year
Speaker 3: and a half into it now, it doesn't even cross
Speaker 3: my mind. I found amazing replacements that I think are
Speaker 3: fantastic ones that are also really healthy. I found this
Speaker 3: one beer that it's full of electrolytes and it's you know,
Speaker 3: the carbohydrates in it are long lasting energy. So like
Speaker 3: having a beer is now actually like a really healthy thing.
Speaker 3: I'm really lucky that all my friends are super supportive
Speaker 3: about it. I've never run into that scenario where my
Speaker 3: friends are like, oh god on, just have a beer,
Speaker 3: like you're fine. They've always sort of really supported me,
Speaker 3: and I don't want to be that person that's saying
Speaker 3: to people you should get sober. You should get sober.
Speaker 3: If I could encourage someone to drink less, then that's great.
Speaker 3: But I don't want to start getting into the world
Speaker 3: of you need to stop drinking, because I just it's
Speaker 3: not for me to say I went on my own
Speaker 3: little journey. I'm really enjoying it. I'm delighted that my
Speaker 3: mum's as also given up. She's loving it, and it's
Speaker 3: been amazing. I can't believe the difference that I feel
Speaker 3: from not drinking. Yeah, I feel amazing.
Speaker 5: That's amazing, man.
Speaker 1: I love hearing that, and I love hearing that it's
Speaker 1: been great for you, right, I think, yeah, that's the point.
Speaker 1: Not everything has to be like, look what I did,
Speaker 1: you can do it too. It's kind of like, no,
Speaker 1: this is just what's been great for me. Do you
Speaker 1: think it was partly that attitude for you, at least
Speaker 1: in the beginning, where it's like, well, I can drink,
Speaker 1: I drink a lot comes from my mum jeans and
Speaker 1: it doesn't affect me, And then all of a sudden
Speaker 1: you realize, well, wait a minute, it's more than that.
Speaker 1: Because I think there is that, like I was like
Speaker 1: that as a young man as well, like for me,
Speaker 1: it was it was easy to drink. I didn't drink daily.
Speaker 1: For me, I drank a lot more socially sure, and
Speaker 1: I love playing drinking games with my mates. Yeah, that
Speaker 1: was really what I enjoyed the most, probably, and for
Speaker 1: me when I quit, I could just quickly see how
Speaker 1: it just got me into doing things I would never
Speaker 1: do if I wasn't drunk. So for sure, for me,
Speaker 1: it was more that. But yeah, I wonder for you,
Speaker 1: did you find that? It's there's a really fine line
Speaker 1: between like, I know, I can drink a lot and
Speaker 1: then all of a sudden you're kind of not addictive.
Speaker 5: Beyond that, I'm happy to say a lot.
Speaker 3: I was definitely addicted to alcohol, not shining away from
Speaker 3: that at all. I think anyone that wakes up and
Speaker 3: has not wakes up, anyone that has a beer every day,
Speaker 3: it's probably got a little bit of a problem.
Speaker 5: But yeah, you're right.
Speaker 3: I would drink and drink and drink and drink, and
Speaker 3: then you would just reach that moment where you're like, well,
Speaker 3: I shouldn't have had that last beer, and you wake
Speaker 3: up the next day and you have a terrible headache
Speaker 3: and you're suffering. I bought one of those rings that
Speaker 3: will tell you about your sleep yeah orring yeah, And
Speaker 3: it was amazing because I couldn't sleep. I was like,
Speaker 3: why can't I sleep? I'm working fourteen hours a day,
Speaker 3: I'm doing two hours in the gym, I'm eating really healthily,
Speaker 3: and I can't sleep. What's wrong with me? I bought
Speaker 3: this ring and it was booze. It just it was
Speaker 3: completely affecting my sleep. And since I've given it up,
Speaker 3: I can sleep anywhere.
Speaker 6: You know.
Speaker 3: It's also interesting as well, going on nights out and
Speaker 3: having a great time as the sober person and then
Speaker 3: getting to that point in the night where people start,
Speaker 3: you know, spitting in your ear and everyone's I love you, man,
Speaker 3: I love you so much, and you're like, yeah, brilliant,
Speaker 3: I love you too. I see tomorrow I'm going to bed.
Speaker 3: I love being that person now. I love seeing my
Speaker 3: friends on the golf course at eight am in the morning,
Speaker 3: feeling fresh and ready to go and they're sort of
Speaker 3: crawling out their car and so yeah, so I am
Speaker 3: over the moon to be sober.
Speaker 6: I love it.
Speaker 7: Yeah.
Speaker 1: For anyone who is listening right now and is going
Speaker 1: tom I love that for you. I want to do
Speaker 1: it too, like they're listening, going I'm having too much
Speaker 1: every day. I can notice some of those things, but
Speaker 1: I'm just stuck. And it's hard because we know that
Speaker 1: addictions that way, we know that this is heavy.
Speaker 5: It's not easy.
Speaker 1: But if someone is watching, Going Tom, tell me what
Speaker 1: did you do to even get started? How did you
Speaker 1: have that courage to say, I'm going to do January,
Speaker 1: I'm going to stick at it. Were there any moments
Speaker 1: where you actually fell back and then I had to
Speaker 1: get back on the horse again, Like, we'll just walk
Speaker 1: us through that a little bit more. For anyone who
Speaker 1: is watching, Going Tom, Mate, I want to be in
Speaker 1: your position in like six months.
Speaker 3: I didn't fall back on it. I have done in
Speaker 3: the past. I've had periods of my life where I'd
Speaker 3: given up drinking and then gone back to drinking. But
Speaker 3: this time, I don't know, it was just different. I
Speaker 3: really worked to sort of change my mindset. I really
Speaker 3: asked myself, like, why do you drink? Why are you drinking?
Speaker 3: And a lot of the time my answer would be
Speaker 3: to feel more comfortable in the social environment, And I
Speaker 3: just put myself in those environments and just would force
Speaker 3: myself to be there. I'd force myself to hang out
Speaker 3: and go to a club or go to a bar,
Speaker 3: go to a dinner, as.
Speaker 5: We weren't avoiding those places.
Speaker 3: I was at the beginning because I didn't feel like
Speaker 3: I could go and not have a drink because of
Speaker 3: the stress of it. But then after a while I
Speaker 3: sort of was like, mate, you've got to pull your
Speaker 3: socks up here, and you can't just live in your
Speaker 3: house all the time. You've got to go out and
Speaker 3: enjoy yourself. And if you're only enjoying yourself because you're drinking,
Speaker 3: then you really do have a problem. But I just
Speaker 3: changed my mindset. I found really good replacements. Things that
Speaker 3: I could sort of attribute to having a beer. I
Speaker 3: often found with me. Most of it is just the
Speaker 3: ritual of cracking something open and sharing it with friends
Speaker 3: and drinking it, whether it's sparkling water or a beer.
Speaker 3: I now can't I don't associate like I don't see
Speaker 3: a difference, but I think it's different for everyone. I
Speaker 3: had a great support system. Jack is one of my
Speaker 3: best mates and we travel all over the world. He
Speaker 3: doesn't drink, and doing it with him was a really
Speaker 3: helpful experience for me. My brother is always on the
Speaker 3: road with me. He was very supportive and yeah, I
Speaker 3: just really set my mind to it. I was like,
Speaker 3: I really want to do this. I want to prove
Speaker 3: to myself I can do it. And then once I'd
Speaker 3: felt the health benefits and started really feeling like my full.
Speaker 5: Self, My god, this is this is the best.
Speaker 3: But do you not drink?
Speaker 1: I haven't drank for seventeen years. No way, amazing, Yeah.
Speaker 5: It was, It's incredible.
Speaker 8: Wow.
Speaker 1: So one of the best feelings in the world, and
Speaker 1: it's my biggest like worry when I was about to quit,
Speaker 1: was like, how am I going to hang out with
Speaker 1: my mates? I was like, my mates knew me as
Speaker 1: the guy who was like first of the game, last
Speaker 1: to get out, that you know, the clown when I
Speaker 1: got drunk, like life of the party, kind of like
Speaker 1: that kind of guy. And then all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: I decided I wasn't gonna drink anymore. I was like, crap,
Speaker 1: I'm going to fit in. And then I remember I
Speaker 1: went into the corporate world for a bit and I
Speaker 1: didn't drink, and I was like, God, am I going
Speaker 1: to miss out on opportunities and networking? Like, you know,
Speaker 1: all the guys afterwards are like going to get drinks
Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, come, but I'll have a water
Speaker 1: or I'll have a soda, whatever it is. And what
Speaker 1: was really interesting for me is not relying on drinking
Speaker 1: made me rely on qualities and skills I had.
Speaker 5: Sure that were actually better.
Speaker 1: So now that I couldn't drink as an excuse to
Speaker 1: hang with the lads, I was bringing out parts my
Speaker 1: personality that probably would.
Speaker 5: Have just hidden away.
Speaker 1: Yeah, surpressed, And all of a sudden, you were actually
Speaker 1: getting respected and liked for who you were rather than
Speaker 1: the person who you were when you were drunk. Sure,
Speaker 1: and actually that worked in the workplace, and there was
Speaker 1: no one at the workplace going r J doesn't drink,
Speaker 1: so he's not getting promoted, right, It wasn't like that.
Speaker 1: People were like, oh yeah, I really like hanging out
Speaker 1: with J, or he's a really good guy, or whatever
Speaker 1: it may be. And I was still getting the same
Speaker 1: opportunities and I was still getting promoted at work and
Speaker 1: whatever it was. And I think that's why I'd like
Speaker 1: to remind people that don't feel like your career or
Speaker 1: your work is going to suffer even for you like
Speaker 1: you've I'm sure as a you know, with your career path,
Speaker 1: you have to be at parties, you have to be
Speaker 1: at events, of course, and the fact that you're able
Speaker 1: to do that now without having alcohol and you don't,
Speaker 1: it doesn't sound like it's negatively impacting your career.
Speaker 5: If anything, it's the opposite.
Speaker 3: But may I honestly cannot believe like the amount of
Speaker 3: times I've sat down with an actor that I've really admired,
Speaker 3: or sat down with the producer or director and been like, oh,
Speaker 3: you know, well, I don't drink anymore, and they go,
Speaker 3: I don't drink ten years and You're like, oh my god.
Speaker 3: And I've had so many insightful conversations with people like
Speaker 3: yourself where you've heard their story, their.
Speaker 5: Reason for giving up.
Speaker 3: And there is a wonderful community of people and I
Speaker 3: love it. I love being a part of that community.
Speaker 3: I'm really proud to be a part of it. I
Speaker 3: hope that, you know, I could meet other people and
Speaker 3: chat them about it, because it's really nice. It's lovely
Speaker 3: to be like, let's go to.
Speaker 5: Get a lime cione together, you know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, let's get a juice, let's get a smooth yeah.
Speaker 5: Yeah, No, it is true. It's true.
Speaker 1: And it's really interesting because they I can't remember. I'm
Speaker 1: trying to remember. There was this blog that came out
Speaker 1: years ago. I can't even remember it now, and there
Speaker 1: was this girl on Instagram who was getting a lot
Speaker 1: of likes and a lot of comments and a lot
Speaker 1: of attention, and one day she just disappeared, like she
Speaker 1: stopped posting, and everyone's just like all the comments were.
Speaker 5: Like where are you? What happened? Are you okay? Like
Speaker 5: what happened to you?
Speaker 1: You know, everyone was frantic trying to figure out what
Speaker 1: happened to her because they loved her, they were following
Speaker 1: her and all the rest of it. And what they
Speaker 1: didn't know is that it was built by a team
Speaker 1: that was trying to show that what people didn't notice
Speaker 1: is that in every picture she posted, she was drinking
Speaker 1: and it was a made up It was almost like
Speaker 1: original AI that was made up to prove the point
Speaker 1: that you can love someone and you can think you're
Speaker 1: really close to them, and you you could think their
Speaker 1: lifestyle looks amazing, but actually they've got a drink in
Speaker 1: every picture they post, and you didn't.
Speaker 5: Realize that an alcohol problem.
Speaker 1: So there was no real person who died, but The
Speaker 1: point was that this your friends could be struggling even
Speaker 1: when they're posting these beautiful lifestyle pictures. But are you aware, wow,
Speaker 1: and are you conscious of how much it affects you?
Speaker 1: And I can't can't remember who built that?
Speaker 3: Well, that's I think that's one of the problems with
Speaker 3: alcohol is that if you came out with alcohol right now,
Speaker 3: if alcohol wasn't a thing, and you like, I've invented
Speaker 3: this drink that is going to make you like either
Speaker 3: really happy or really aggressive or really stupid, and we're
Speaker 3: going to just sell it to the masses. People be like, now, mate,
Speaker 3: keep your funky juice, Like, we don't want that.
Speaker 6: That sounds terrible.
Speaker 3: And it's one of those things because it is so
Speaker 3: socially acceptable that the addiction side of it, the bad
Speaker 3: sides of it, really do fly under the radar. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and that's really interesting. I'd say you something I do
Speaker 3: love about being a Nundrey. I love being the designated driver.
Speaker 3: I love being that person that makes sure that everyone
Speaker 3: gets home. I don't know, I just I like being
Speaker 3: a dependable person. I think I'm quite dependable, and I
Speaker 3: really like that that thing. And I saw this crazy
Speaker 3: YouTube video once this was years ago, of a guy
Speaker 3: that went to a bar, he got drunk, and he
Speaker 3: drove home and he crashed his car. And I don't
Speaker 3: know if this is real. It could have been fake,
Speaker 3: but it's really impactful. Basically, what his friend had done
Speaker 3: was set up the room as if he had been
Speaker 3: in a coma for like ten years. And his friend
Speaker 3: wakes up hours after the crash and his friend is
Speaker 3: there and he had all like old makeup on to
Speaker 3: make him look older. And now I'm thinking about it,
Speaker 3: there's no way this could have been real because how
Speaker 3: would they have been able to pull that off. But
Speaker 3: he basically is saying to him, like, you've been asleep
Speaker 3: for ten years. Everyone's missed you, Like we can't believe
Speaker 3: you're awake. This is amazing and it shows like how
Speaker 3: a stupid decision like driving drunk can affect the future
Speaker 3: of your life. So I do love being the designated driver.
Speaker 3: That is something I enjoy see my friends have a
Speaker 3: good time being like, don't worry, Tom will take you.
Speaker 7: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I used to love being the designated driver until I
Speaker 1: realized that next girlfriend just had me do that because
Speaker 1: I was the one who didn't.
Speaker 5: Do that right. That wasn't a fun design driver.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I've always been that guy since because so
Speaker 1: I lived as a monk for three years. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: when I came back after that, obviously I never went
Speaker 1: back to drinking alcohol and everything, and so but I
Speaker 1: went back into the workplace, and I remember everyone would
Speaker 1: always open up to me and give me advice. But
Speaker 1: it's what you're saying. When someone was drunk, they tell
Speaker 1: me their whole life story. Next day they'd come and go, Jay,
Speaker 1: you'd actually remember what I said. I remember everything. Please
Speaker 1: don't tell anyone, Yeah, you know. And I loved I
Speaker 1: loved that part where I was like I was able
Speaker 1: to be there for people, just hear their stories and
Speaker 1: someone that had context the next day, because if they
Speaker 1: told someone else who was drunk, you'd both not remember
Speaker 1: then it'd be gone.
Speaker 8: No.
Speaker 1: I think the benefits that you just pointed out of
Speaker 1: good sleep, good health, mental clarity totally huge. But there's
Speaker 1: a couple of things I want to point out for
Speaker 1: everyone's li just as takeaways, because Tom makes it so
Speaker 1: seamless when you're talking about it's really beautiful as well.
Speaker 1: But one of the things you mentioned was finding alternatives
Speaker 1: and during my month life. We always talked about how
Speaker 1: there was there was something that we called the higher taste,
Speaker 1: and it was saying, you can never give up a
Speaker 1: lower taste unless you had a higher taste. Sure, and
Speaker 1: so there has to be a switch, there has to
Speaker 1: be a replacement. And the fact that you found alternatives.
Speaker 1: I think that's half the battle, because most of us
Speaker 1: are trying to take something out of our lives and
Speaker 1: then you're just trying to fill it. Yeah, and then
Speaker 1: you have to go back to what you had before
Speaker 1: because you're not finding a replacement.
Speaker 5: So that was beautiful.
Speaker 1: And the second thing you said, which I loved, which
Speaker 1: was having this conversation and dialogue with other people, someone
Speaker 1: who's one year ahead of you, someone who's ten years ahead,
Speaker 1: someone's twenty years ahead, who's gone through that process, and
Speaker 1: they're open and honest and vulnerable about you.
Speaker 5: Know, I did have a weak moment or you know what.
Speaker 1: This was really tough for me, and I think having
Speaker 1: those communities where you can talk about these things makes
Speaker 1: a massive difference. So if anyone struggling, I hope that
Speaker 1: those two things can kind of, you know, give you
Speaker 1: the support you need. Tom's honesty reminds us of a
Speaker 1: key takeaway that strength doesn't come from fitting in, but
Speaker 1: from making the choices that protect your piece. Whether it's alcohol, overworking,
Speaker 1: or any habit that no longer serves you, Sometimes the
Speaker 1: bravest thing we can do is to let it go.
Speaker 1: One of the most inspiring conversations I've ever had and
Speaker 1: that I'm deeply grateful for, was with the legendary late
Speaker 1: Kobe Brian. I got to interview Kobe Bryan just a
Speaker 1: few months before his tragic passing with his daughter. Kobe
Speaker 1: described his mindset for excellence what he often called the
Speaker 1: Mumba mentality. It wasn't about talent alone. It was about obsession, discipline,
Speaker 1: and showing up every single day. Psychologists studying mastery of
Speaker 1: skills have found that consistent, deliberate practice is the strongest
Speaker 1: predictor of peak performance. Talent is valuable, but without consistency,
Speaker 1: something Kobe embodied in every area of his life, it's
Speaker 1: rarely enough. Let's take a look. Have you been able
Speaker 1: to in your life see past the cloud of emotion
Speaker 1: to actually execute on things? Because I think what we
Speaker 1: were speaking about earlier, this challenge that young people afterday,
Speaker 1: everyone has today have just so much information, so much
Speaker 1: cloud of emotions, so many feelings, so much childhood baggage
Speaker 1: that you're bringing, Like, how have you always cut through
Speaker 1: that and execute them?
Speaker 9: You know?
Speaker 10: What I try to do is just try to be
Speaker 10: still and understand that things come and go, emotions come
Speaker 10: and go. The important thing is to accept them all,
Speaker 10: to embrace them all, and then you can choose to
Speaker 10: do with them what you want, versus being controlled by emotion.
Speaker 10: You know, a lot of times I've seen players, even myself,
Speaker 10: you know, when I was younger, being consumed by a
Speaker 10: particular fear and to the point where you're saying, Okay, nah,
Speaker 10: it's not good to feel fear. I shouldn't be nervous
Speaker 10: in this situation like that, and it does nothing but grow,
Speaker 10: versus stepping back and saying, yeah, I am nervous about
Speaker 10: the situation. Yeah, I am fearful about the situation. Well
Speaker 10: what am I afraid of? And then you kind of
Speaker 10: unpack it, and then it gives your ability to look
Speaker 10: at it for really what it is, which is nothing
Speaker 10: more than your imagination running its course.
Speaker 1: You know, Yeah, absolutely, I love that, because what you're
Speaker 1: saying is that when you're dealing with something it's almost like,
Speaker 1: how can I get to the root of it? Yeah,
Speaker 1: because sometimes what we're dealing with, like you're saying it's
Speaker 1: an imagination and illusion, it's not really.
Speaker 10: It's not really a thing. You know, Like you think
Speaker 10: about game winning shots and or game winning free throws,
Speaker 10: and people go to the free throwing and they're nervous
Speaker 10: about it.
Speaker 8: Well, what are you really nervous about? If you unpack that?
Speaker 10: Okay, you're nervous that you're going to miss the shot,
Speaker 10: all right, So you missed the shot, then what happens.
Speaker 10: People are going to be embarrassed. You're going to be
Speaker 10: embarrassed because thousands of people, millions people say you missed
Speaker 10: a shot, all right, and then what people going to
Speaker 10: talk bad about you?
Speaker 8: Okay? Right?
Speaker 10: And so you're looking at it and go, are those
Speaker 10: things even important? You know what I mean? If that
Speaker 10: that is my fear? Like, what is you're worried about
Speaker 10: letting your teammates down?
Speaker 8: Okay? Have you let them down before?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 8: I'm sure?
Speaker 10: And practice and things of that nature, right, they're still there,
Speaker 10: you know. And so when you're able to unpack it,
Speaker 10: you kind of look at it for what it is,
Speaker 10: which is really nothing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that breaking it down. I think that's
Speaker 1: so important. I think everyone who's listening and watching right now.
Speaker 1: Next time you're facing a fear, next time you're going
Speaker 1: again something, do that, like, literally unpack it. Don't just
Speaker 1: settle for your first answer, because the first answer is
Speaker 1: really the right one.
Speaker 10: Don't hide from it. You know, you got to be
Speaker 10: able to look at it and you know, and and
Speaker 10: deal with it head on.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 5: I love that, man.
Speaker 1: And you talk about that because you talk about you know,
Speaker 1: when you talk about missing five throws and you talk
Speaker 1: about getting over yourself.
Speaker 5: Yeah, right, like getting over yourself.
Speaker 1: How did you get that mentality of just being like
Speaker 1: I need to get over this, like I need to
Speaker 1: get over myself?
Speaker 10: You know, trial and error. You know, you grow up
Speaker 10: and you make game winning shots and it's awesome. You
Speaker 10: come back the next day and miss a game when
Speaker 10: it's shot and it's misery. And then the next day
Speaker 10: comes and you're back playing again, and you understand that
Speaker 10: life has this cyclical nature where it's you know, what
Speaker 10: you do on Monday, it's fantastic, but then Tuesday's a
Speaker 10: bad day. But guess what, there's Wednesday. So are we
Speaker 10: just supposed to live our lif like this the whole time,
Speaker 10: you know, versus just staying like this and understanding that
Speaker 10: it's really just a journey of evolution every day. It's
Speaker 10: just constant improvement, constant curiosity, constantly getting better. The results
Speaker 10: don't really matter. It's the figuring out that matters.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And we all get obsessed about the results that
Speaker 1: we get obsessed about, like the output, not the input
Speaker 1: of not figuring it out and not like changing things
Speaker 1: what you said, trial and error, like the experimenting.
Speaker 5: We forget to do that.
Speaker 10: It's unfortunate, man. Like I've seen a lot of players,
Speaker 10: especially now, you know in youth basketball dealing with that.
Speaker 8: You have players that are like bigger and.
Speaker 10: Faster and stronger, and you know, their coaches or just
Speaker 10: coaching them for results. You know, we're just going to
Speaker 10: use your size that because you're bigger than every other
Speaker 10: twelve year old out there to dominate today. But they're
Speaker 10: not growing right, So they're just based on that result.
Speaker 10: But they're not focused on growing this young child into
Speaker 10: becoming a better athlete and through that teaching them how
Speaker 10: to become a more well rounded person. And we're missing that.
Speaker 1: Yeah. See what you've said there, just I want to
Speaker 1: ask you this, And I'm not saying because I you know,
Speaker 1: like you know yourself best and you know how you've
Speaker 1: got there, So I'm asking it from a place of
Speaker 1: humility of learning. When I look at you, I'm like,
Speaker 1: you know, your superpower isn't just your work ethic. Your
Speaker 1: superpower isn't just like figuring things out. Your superpower is
Speaker 1: like you think strategically, Like that's a very strategic thought
Speaker 1: of saying, this person could be this in the future
Speaker 1: if they were developed as a whole individual rather than
Speaker 1: just like let's use them for.
Speaker 5: The short term. Right, And where did you develop that?
Speaker 1: From? That ability to see beyond, to think deeper, to
Speaker 1: reflect deeper. Where did that come from?
Speaker 8: Well?
Speaker 10: I had to do that because you know, I grew
Speaker 10: up growing up in Italy. When I first moved over there,
Speaker 10: it was you know, I didn't speak Italian, I didn't
Speaker 10: have any friends. You know, I had the game of basketball,
Speaker 10: and through sport and playing soccer, I was able to
Speaker 10: make friends and build connections. But it was a lot
Speaker 10: of time spent the loan and when I came back
Speaker 10: to the States, I wasn't the most athletic kid. I
Speaker 10: was really scrawny, like really really skinny, and have like
Speaker 10: major knee issues because I was growing. So I was
Speaker 10: the dorky kid with high socks and big old knee pets.
Speaker 10: Fashionable now, it's fashionable now and then and then, and
Speaker 10: so I had to look long term because in the
Speaker 10: here and now, I couldn't compete with these kids.
Speaker 8: I mean there's kids that were like twelve years old
Speaker 8: with beards, Like what I was supposed to do with that?
Speaker 10: Like they're doing windmills and dunking backwards and I'm happy
Speaker 10: to like tap the backboard, you know. So I had
Speaker 10: to look at it from a long term because I
Speaker 10: wasn't going to give up on the game. So I
Speaker 10: had to say, Okay, this year, I'm gonna get better
Speaker 10: at that. Next year, this and then so forth and
Speaker 10: so on, and then patiently I was able to catch them.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Kobe taught us that greatness is in an accident.
Speaker 1: It's built through discipline, consistency, and the willingness to go
Speaker 1: further than most are willing to go. His words and
Speaker 1: wisdom live on as a challenge to bring our best
Speaker 1: to whatever we know. When Emma Watson called me to
Speaker 1: be on the show. I was thrilled. One insight in
Speaker 1: our sit down out of the many that she said,
Speaker 1: that stood out was her view on building relationships from wholeness,
Speaker 1: not need. In her younger years, she might have chosen
Speaker 1: from uncertainty, but now she seeks love from peace and
Speaker 1: self knowledge. She also spoke about asking the hardest questions,
Speaker 1: Am I really happy? Am I aligned with my values?
Speaker 1: Questions that push us beyond appearances and towards truth. One
Speaker 1: of the hardest questions you talked about asking you answer
Speaker 1: it asking yourself difficult questions, and I want to ask
Speaker 1: you something about that. But one thing I've said to
Speaker 1: my wife is, if you ever fall out of love
Speaker 1: with me, please tell me, because I don't want to
Speaker 1: live a day without love. I'm really confident about the
Speaker 1: fact that I'm worthy of love and that I want
Speaker 1: to experience love in my life. If you ever fall
Speaker 1: out of me, just tell me. It's okay, because I
Speaker 1: don't have the desire to stay somewhere for any other reason.
Speaker 1: And it sounds risky saying that in extreme but to me,
Speaker 1: it's a greater risk to have spent ten extra years
Speaker 1: with someone and then they tell me, I haven't really
Speaker 1: loved you for the last five ten years. And then
Speaker 1: I'm like, I've lived without love for ten years in
Speaker 1: my life, and I don't want to be in that
Speaker 1: place because I've seen people go through that and not
Speaker 1: be happy. And so it does come with a humility
Speaker 1: and a openness to have very difficult conversations and not
Speaker 1: to force something that, oh, it's been going to get
Speaker 1: great for twelve years, it has to it should do,
Speaker 1: it must do, and it's like, well maybe no, Like, yes,
Speaker 1: if it does, it's great and it is right now,
Speaker 1: but why should it right now be a prediction for
Speaker 1: how you feel in fifteen years with everything else that's
Speaker 1: going to change.
Speaker 4: I think if I knew I really couldn't meet the
Speaker 4: need of someone and they couldn't meet my needs, if
Speaker 4: I really couldn't make them happy and they couldn't make
Speaker 4: me happy, like forcing them to stay in that situation,
Speaker 4: it's really that like makes love impossible, like the gates.
Speaker 4: So I totally get what you're saying. And my mum
Speaker 4: said this thing to me, which was like, you want
Speaker 4: to be with someone because you want them, not because
Speaker 4: you need them. And I think maybe another reason why
Speaker 4: I didn't get married younger is because I think maybe
Speaker 4: I would have married someone not knowing who I was,
Speaker 4: and I would have needed them, maybe not wanted them.
Speaker 4: And I think now I have a life that's whole
Speaker 4: and complete as it is, and I would be making
Speaker 4: a choice from a place of I just want you
Speaker 4: and I don't need you. But I just want you
Speaker 4: and I don't. I don't think I was that woman
Speaker 4: five years ago.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that. And there's so much, so much
Speaker 1: to be said for attracting from a place of peace,
Speaker 1: because you know what peace feels like, and so then
Speaker 1: anyone or anything that comes into your life.
Speaker 4: And what feeling satisfied feels like.
Speaker 1: Satisfied is probably even a better way, and that feeling
Speaker 1: of I know what it feels like to be satisfied,
Speaker 1: and so I now know whether someone makes me more
Speaker 1: satisfied or less.
Speaker 4: I know what my baseline. You don't know what your
Speaker 4: baseline happy is, then how do you You've got no
Speaker 4: idea of knowing what's going on at all.
Speaker 1: And that's not feeling of being complete or having it
Speaker 1: all figured out. It's like I know what satisfies a
Speaker 1: great word, It's like I know what it feels like
Speaker 1: to be at peace with myself or satisfied with myself,
Speaker 1: and now everyone can show me, yeah, where that pendulum swings.
Speaker 4: Yes.
Speaker 1: One thing you said which I which really resonated with me,
Speaker 1: is that you've had to ask yourself so many hard
Speaker 1: questions to do the work. And I want to ask you,
Speaker 1: what's one of the hardest questions You've ever had to
Speaker 1: ask yourself?
Speaker 4: If you could, well, the first one that comes to mind,
Speaker 4: and then maybe I'll dig for a deep or a
Speaker 4: different one, is like to have to admit to myself
Speaker 4: or ask myself the question of like you right now
Speaker 4: have the career and the life that like looks like
Speaker 4: the dream, but are you really happy? Emma? Are you
Speaker 4: really healthy? Are you really happy? Like is this really
Speaker 4: what you want? And to be at that point and
Speaker 4: like realize and have to admit to myself that I
Speaker 4: wasn't and I didn't was one of the scariest things
Speaker 4: I've ever had to do, because you know, I basically
Speaker 4: had to ask myself on a daily basis, like I
Speaker 4: felt like I was crazy and walking away from something
Speaker 4: without knowing what you're walking towards was not having the answers,
Speaker 4: but leaving something that was that the world considered to
Speaker 4: be of such high value, such a high value kind
Speaker 4: of moment in my professional life and career. I think
Speaker 4: that was a real sitting with that was a real
Speaker 4: moment of reckoning of like, can you tell yourself the truth?
Speaker 4: Can you live with your truth? Can you accept the
Speaker 4: fact that for most other people your truth is pretty
Speaker 4: confusing and unpalatable. That was definitely a hard moment of sitting.
Speaker 4: More recently, because I've been being my own partner asking
Speaker 4: myself are you really living your values things that you preach,
Speaker 4: are you actually aligned and actually looking at some spaces
Speaker 4: in my life where I was like, shit, no, not
Speaker 4: at all. I'm actually not doing what I talk about,
Speaker 4: And I need to create some sort of urgency or
Speaker 4: a deadline for that so that I make sure that
Speaker 4: I'm a persitive integrity. I purport to be someone that
Speaker 4: cares about the world and about the planet and sustainability.
Speaker 4: And you know, there are some things I was doing.
Speaker 4: Was it enough by my own standards, not by anyone else's,
Speaker 4: just by my own? Probably not? But what's nice is
Speaker 4: I actually have the time now to be like, okay,
Speaker 4: we could do about it.
Speaker 1: Get on with it and like those are.
Speaker 5: Thank you for those. Those are great questions, really really
Speaker 5: great questions.
Speaker 1: Emma's bravery and honesty reminds us that real love begins
Speaker 1: with knowing yourself. When you're complete on your own, you
Speaker 1: can choose someone because you want them, not because you
Speaker 1: need them. And just as importantly, fulfillment comes from having
Speaker 1: the courage to ask hard questions, to walk away from
Speaker 1: what looks good on the outside if it doesn't feel
Speaker 1: right on the inside, and to realign your life with
Speaker 1: your deepest values. Now, it's a given that Madonna is
Speaker 1: a cultural icon, but what struck me most wasn't her
Speaker 1: ambition or longevity. It was her devotion to spirituality, even
Speaker 1: at the height of fame. The success she felt avoid
Speaker 1: and what sustained her wasn't the limelight, but the rituals
Speaker 1: that gave her peace and purpose. From yoga and Sanskrit
Speaker 1: study to kabbala. Spirituality became the compass she realized she
Speaker 1: needed for herself and for her daughter.
Speaker 5: What are your.
Speaker 1: Spiritual practices and rituals that have been so supportive and
Speaker 1: emblematic of your journey, that have kept you going at
Speaker 1: the times, As you said, there were so many times
Speaker 1: you could give up, or things could go wrong, or
Speaker 1: you kept pushing and they kept you locked.
Speaker 5: What were they?
Speaker 1: What are they?
Speaker 11: Well?
Speaker 12: One really important thing is studying, making time every week
Speaker 12: to sit down and study. I mean, you can study
Speaker 12: the Bible, you can study the poetry of Cahil Gibran,
Speaker 12: or you can study the Vedas you you know.
Speaker 5: And you did that right.
Speaker 1: You actually studied different traditions.
Speaker 12: And I mean to be honest, before I discovered Kabala,
Speaker 12: I was looking for answers.
Speaker 1: And why do you think that was? Why were you
Speaker 1: looking for answers?
Speaker 12: Because I had everything that people would assume would give
Speaker 12: you happiness. I had successful career, I had fame, fortune,
Speaker 12: monetary things, physical things. But I wasn't happy, and I
Speaker 12: naturally sought out well. When I was a dancer, I
Speaker 12: had a roommate. She was a Buddhist and she would
Speaker 12: get up and chant every day, and so I was
Speaker 12: very intrigued by that. Like nothing bothered her, you know
Speaker 12: what I mean, Everything bothers me, Everything bothers me. I'm
Speaker 12: you know, I'm a Leo, I'm Italian.
Speaker 11: I'm very dramatic.
Speaker 12: I wouldn't say she was peaceful all the time, but
Speaker 12: I was just struck by her confidence and her knowingness
Speaker 12: that everything was happening for a reason.
Speaker 11: She never got upset about things.
Speaker 12: And this is in the beginning of my career when
Speaker 12: I was living in New York and I was broke
Speaker 12: and a lot of crazy things happened to me. It's
Speaker 12: really scary, traumatic things. And I would always ask her
Speaker 12: her name is Marianne would always say what, like why
Speaker 12: are you like?
Speaker 11: Never upset?
Speaker 12: So I attributed that to her spiritual life, but it
Speaker 12: didn't speak to me. And then later on I started
Speaker 12: practicing yoga Ashtanga yoga and my teacher, Eddie Stern, he
Speaker 12: still has a you know Eddie, Yeah, he's amazing. I
Speaker 12: got quite caught up in and competitive about like first series,
Speaker 12: second series, third series. But one thing I noticed is
Speaker 12: that a lot of people would come into his practice,
Speaker 12: his studio where he taught, and they wouldn't even do
Speaker 12: the posts. They would just go and sit in front
Speaker 12: of the statue of ganesh or light candles or prayer.
Speaker 12: And I really and Eddie pointed it out to me
Speaker 12: because sometimes I would have injuries, I would or I
Speaker 12: would be traveling and I couldn't practice yoga and he say, look,
Speaker 12: are you breathing And I'd say yes, and he said,
Speaker 12: you're practicing yoga.
Speaker 11: So I realized that I.
Speaker 12: Was too still, too caught up in the physical poses.
Speaker 12: And he's like, no, you don't understand. You're missing the
Speaker 12: whole point. The poses are just something that you do
Speaker 12: to breathe through, to calm your nervous system down and
Speaker 12: to bring you back to your center. And that really
Speaker 12: spoke to me. There was a big no. It was
Speaker 12: a painting on the wall of the yoga studio. It
Speaker 12: says desire and detachment. And I said, what does that mean?
Speaker 12: And he said, well, of course we want. We want
Speaker 12: all the beautiful things in life. We want all the pleasures,
Speaker 12: we want all the happiness, we want every we want
Speaker 12: it all. There's nothing wrong with that which can't be
Speaker 12: attached to it, because then if you're attached to it
Speaker 12: and you don't have it, what's going to happen to you?
Speaker 12: So I studied that for a while, and I studied Sanskrit.
Speaker 12: I had a teacher, and you know, I learned that
Speaker 12: the vibrations of the letters, you know, had a calming
Speaker 12: effect on your nervous system and centered you and placed
Speaker 12: you firmly rooted in the earth, and all of that
Speaker 12: made sense to me. But then again, nothing happens by accident.
Speaker 12: But I was pregnant with my daughter, Lola, my oldest daughter,
Speaker 12: and I suddenly realized I was living in la I
Speaker 12: suddenly realized, I'm going to be responsible for an other
Speaker 12: human being. What am I going to teach her? I'm
Speaker 12: just I'm like a meteor like making my way through
Speaker 12: the you know, the on this planet. Like you know,
Speaker 12: I have great survival instincts, I have a great work ethic. Yes,
Speaker 12: I'm very ambitious all of those things, but I was
Speaker 12: never like I was just knocking them down, you know
Speaker 12: what I mean, and not like looking back, I'm going
Speaker 12: to be somebody, because that's you know, that's why I
Speaker 12: came to New York in the first place. I will
Speaker 12: never go back to the nobody life I had.
Speaker 11: When I was a child growing up.
Speaker 12: So I definitely was fueled by an inner drive, but
Speaker 12: I would not say that I was spiritual or conscious.
Speaker 12: When I was pregnant, I suddenly realized I knew nothing
Speaker 12: and I was a slave or a victim of other
Speaker 12: people's opinions of me. And I didn't have really. Even
Speaker 12: though it looks like and looked like I was confident, brave, audacious, whatever,
Speaker 12: you know, I deep down Insiday was not.
Speaker 2: So.
Speaker 11: I was at a dinner party.
Speaker 1: Were pregnant.
Speaker 12: Yeah, I was at a dinner party at my friends
Speaker 12: in La and there was a woman sitting next to
Speaker 12: me and I knew her vaguely. She's a costume designer.
Speaker 12: She was a costume designer. Her husband's a director. And
Speaker 12: she said, oh, you should come with me to class.
Speaker 12: And I said, what class. I'm open to classes, by
Speaker 12: the way, I love being a student. So what's the
Speaker 12: class all about. She said, there's a teacher there.
Speaker 11: It's something called Kabbala.
Speaker 12: It's next to a synagogue. And I was like, wait,
Speaker 12: so he's Jewish and she said yeah, but it doesn't
Speaker 12: have anything to do with being Jewish.
Speaker 11: It's just a belief system.
Speaker 12: Not a belief system, like a philosophy about life that
Speaker 12: you know, you could learn a lot from.
Speaker 11: And I said, okay, I'll go. So I did, and
Speaker 11: that's how I met my teacher.
Speaker 12: And I literally would sit in the back of class
Speaker 12: for years. Mostly men were in the class at the time.
Speaker 12: It was but everything that he said seemed to make
Speaker 12: so much sense to me and gave me courage to
Speaker 12: be who I am and who I meant to be,
Speaker 12: and made me actually think about intention and a real
Speaker 12: sense of purpose, because my sense of purpose can't just
Speaker 12: be I want to be rich and famous, or I
Speaker 12: want to be popular, or I want to sell a
Speaker 12: lot of records, because none of that lasts. But it
Speaker 12: wasn't until I went to class that I actually started
Speaker 12: thinking about those things. So I just kept going and
Speaker 12: here I am today. But you know, motherhood are being
Speaker 12: a parent is really what made me start asking questions
Speaker 12: that I most likely I should have asked them sooner,
Speaker 12: but I didn't because I was just caught up in my.
Speaker 6: Self.
Speaker 1: I love that story for so many reasons, one of
Speaker 1: them being that my journey to my spirituality had certain
Speaker 1: similarities in that not that I was pregnant, so definitely
Speaker 1: not that one. But I had a friend and friends
Speaker 1: who were starting to get interested in spirituality, and they
Speaker 1: invited me to hear a monk speak. And I'd seen
Speaker 1: monks while I was growing up, but I'd never really
Speaker 1: engaged with one or really understood what they did or meant.
Speaker 1: And I'm so glad I said yes to going along,
Speaker 1: and I was very young. I was eighteen nineteen years old.
Speaker 1: I wasn't even seeking. I was open, and I was curious, right,
Speaker 1: And to be honest, I was doing what everyone else
Speaker 1: was doing at that time when you're eighteen nineteen year
Speaker 1: old kid like experimenting, experimenting, and doing everything else under
Speaker 1: the sun. But I'm so glad I went because now,
Speaker 1: looking back, I find that after meeting the monks that
Speaker 1: I met, it gave my life a compass at a
Speaker 1: very early age that I'm so grateful for because it
Speaker 1: changed the entire trajectory of my life. I can't imagine
Speaker 1: what I would have ended up doing in the same
Speaker 1: way as you did. And it sounds dramatic, but it's
Speaker 1: true that without the group of friends that invited me
Speaker 1: to go along and meet my teachers, it would become
Speaker 1: my future teachers. I can't imagine what life could be like.
Speaker 11: And are those teachers still your teachers?
Speaker 8: Yes?
Speaker 1: Absolutely, still since that time, so it's been nearly twenty
Speaker 1: years now. That's meaningful, yeah, very meaningful.
Speaker 12: And are your friends that came with you still also studying.
Speaker 5: Or one of those one of those?
Speaker 1: Yes, absolutely, one of those friends, was my best man
Speaker 1: at my wedding and he studies under the same teachers.
Speaker 11: It's cool.
Speaker 6: Yeah, what about the woman who took me to class?
Speaker 11: No, okay, no, stick with it.
Speaker 5: Are you still there at all or not?
Speaker 10: Yes?
Speaker 11: I am sometimes.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's amazing to hear that you had this ambition
Speaker 1: and this drive to become successful, and at the same
Speaker 1: time there was this spiritual calling. Yes, that was almost
Speaker 1: happening simultaneously. How did you reconcile the two when to
Speaker 1: the external lie they could look very opposite. How did
Speaker 1: you actually look weird? You mean, not weird in the
Speaker 1: sense of I think a lot of peopeople assume that
Speaker 1: spirituality and success don't go together.
Speaker 5: A lot of people would.
Speaker 1: Think that's absurd.
Speaker 12: Those are narrow minded people. I mean, you need to
Speaker 12: be spiritual to be successful. Success is having a spiritual
Speaker 12: life period. It's interesting because I had this boyfriend some
Speaker 12: time ago, and after we broke up, we saw each
Speaker 12: other years later and I was telling them about Cabala.
Speaker 12: He's like, oh, yeah, that makes a lot of sense
Speaker 12: because you grew up as a Catholic. I know how
Speaker 12: religious your mother was. And I was like, no, no,
Speaker 12: that's not what it is at all.
Speaker 11: It's got nothing to do with religion.
Speaker 12: Everybody has to find the path that speaks to them
Speaker 12: and resonates with them. But I do think it's important
Speaker 12: to have one. And I dare say if you didn't
Speaker 12: have a spiritual path, you wouldn't be as successful as
Speaker 12: you are today. I will make that assumption in your work,
Speaker 12: in your marriage, and your friendships, all your relationships. It honestly,
Speaker 12: it sounds like a really like a cliche your spiritual life.
Speaker 12: Even I was like the reason, but it's just got
Speaker 12: a bad rap. You know, you, like one hundred percent
Speaker 12: can have a spiritual life and be successful. I wouldn't
Speaker 12: be here but I didn't have one.
Speaker 1: Madonna's story is a reminder that success without inner grounding
Speaker 1: can feel empty. True resilience isn't fueled by ambition alone.
Speaker 1: It comes from a deeper sense of purpose and doing
Speaker 1: the internal work to find fulfillment. She demonstrates the takeaway
Speaker 1: that spirituality isn't separate from success, it's the foundation. When
Speaker 1: Benny Blanco and Selena Gomez sat down with me, it
Speaker 1: was evident that their love wasn't just playful, it was mature.
Speaker 1: They shared how they handle conflict, take space, and return
Speaker 1: to one another with honesty and respect. Research shows lasting
Speaker 1: couples on those who never argue, but those who keep
Speaker 1: respect and practice repair. Real love is imperfection. It's creating
Speaker 1: a safe space through communication and trust.
Speaker 2: Sometimes she'll say this is so funny. Oh boy, no, no, no,
Speaker 2: She'll do this and it's really cool. She'll go, I'm
Speaker 2: feeling a little irritated, and I think I need like
Speaker 2: twenty five minutes. And I'll say okay, and then I
Speaker 2: give her her space. And then after like five minutes
Speaker 2: she text me. She's like, hey, will you come back.
Speaker 2: But it's knowing that and we have the proper boundaries
Speaker 2: set with each other, Like I don't have to be
Speaker 2: on top of her every second, she doesn't have to
Speaker 2: be on top of me every second we're together. I
Speaker 2: just want to know she's in the house so I
Speaker 2: can say like, hey, I love you and then go
Speaker 2: back to what I'm doing. You know what I mean,
Speaker 2: Because look, we're both highly independent people. Okay, but we're
Speaker 2: both little MUSHes who just need to be attached.
Speaker 6: Yeah, we are so cheesy. It's so fun.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but it's like, but I feel like I think
Speaker 2: it helps us too that we're both you know, on
Speaker 2: my list a thing was I wanted someone to be
Speaker 2: driven and inspired by something. I didn't care if they
Speaker 2: made any money or anything. I just wanted someone to
Speaker 2: be so into something that they did every day. And
Speaker 2: when she comes back from her day and she tells
Speaker 2: me what she did, I'm like, I'm not sitting there like, yeah,
Speaker 2: like when you're talking to your mom, you know, when
Speaker 2: you're talking to your mom and you just say, your
Speaker 2: mom just keeps talking to go yeah, uh huh yeah.
Speaker 2: Like she comes back and like my eyes light up
Speaker 2: because I see the enthusiasm. I see what she did,
Speaker 2: and I'm like it inspires me, and I'm like, I
Speaker 2: gotta do more in this thing. And it's like we're
Speaker 2: in this place where we're inspiring each other and we're
Speaker 2: so inspired by what the other person's doing. And and
Speaker 2: she'll help me out. I'll be like, well, what if
Speaker 2: you did it like this, this and this, and and
Speaker 2: then she'll say something I'll be like, well, why don't
Speaker 2: you handle the situation? Because we have such different personalities
Speaker 2: that are also the same, but we're the thing that
Speaker 2: one of us is really good at the other one
Speaker 2: maybe lax a little bit and vice versa. And it's
Speaker 2: so cool to be able to like workshop like little
Speaker 2: conversations or how to handle the situation and it. And
Speaker 2: I just feel so comfortable with her like that I
Speaker 2: can say anything and she won't ever say I don't know.
Speaker 5: I love the maturity. I mean hearing you both talk
Speaker 5: about it.
Speaker 6: Yeah, there, we are not the perfect No, that's not perfect.
Speaker 1: You're just sing no, no, no. But I think the
Speaker 1: maturity of and I agree with you. I think I
Speaker 1: think that's actually the difference. And I'm glad you brought
Speaker 1: that up. I think there's a big difference between maturity
Speaker 1: and perfection. Yeah, perfection is saying we never have a disagreement,
Speaker 1: we never have to take space from each other, which
Speaker 1: you're not saying.
Speaker 5: You're saying, hey, I.
Speaker 1: Just asked for twenty five eight space, and then I
Speaker 1: was like, wait a minute, I need to And I
Speaker 1: think there's a maturity in that, because it requires maturity
Speaker 1: from both parts for you to first say hey, I
Speaker 1: need space, for you to say I get it, I
Speaker 1: respect you, and then for you to have the maturity
Speaker 1: to say actually I want you back, and for you
Speaker 1: to be like not like oh, I told you, so
Speaker 1: for you to be like I'm here for you, that's
Speaker 1: not perfection to me, that's maturity. And I think that's
Speaker 1: I really want people to get that from it, that
Speaker 1: you are going to have disagreements, you are going to
Speaker 1: want space like me and Raley went through that. She
Speaker 1: at the beginning of our relationship, if we had a
Speaker 1: disagreement and we were the same, we never we made
Speaker 1: a rule that would never raise our voices at each
Speaker 1: other because I came from a home where it was
Speaker 1: not great. She comes from home where her parents don't
Speaker 1: raise their voices. But I was just like, I never
Speaker 1: wanted them in my home. I wanted the energy of
Speaker 1: my home to be so sacred, and I wanted the
Speaker 1: energy of the home to always have a space where
Speaker 1: everyone just walked in and felt like a warm hug.
Speaker 1: And I was like, we can't argue and then expect.
Speaker 5: That to happen.
Speaker 1: But it took a long time for us to realize
Speaker 1: that when she at the star of our disagreements, she
Speaker 1: wanted space. And I used to say to her, well,
Speaker 1: if you don't want to talk about it right now,
Speaker 1: that means you don't care about me, and that wasn't true.
Speaker 1: She just needed space to process. So it took time
Speaker 1: for us to mature, for me to realize, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: you wanting space?
Speaker 5: Is you carying?
Speaker 2: Yeah, the relationship some people, I get it. They want
Speaker 2: to talk about it right then, they want to The
Speaker 2: one thing that also works for us so much is
Speaker 2: like we're not chill people, but we're like we're not
Speaker 2: We're never going to get like I'm not gonna yell
Speaker 2: at anyone in my life, yes and yeah. And you know,
Speaker 2: I came from a home where a lot of that
Speaker 2: was happening, and I saw like at a young age,
Speaker 2: and I was just like, well, like my parents weren't
Speaker 2: speaking the same language. Obviously they were speaking the actual
Speaker 2: same language. They weren't speaking the same language to each
Speaker 2: other to communicate. And if someone comes at you like
Speaker 2: hostile right away, the first thing I'm going to do,
Speaker 2: and I know she's going to do is shut down.
Speaker 2: So you're not getting anything, you know, And I always
Speaker 2: say this, Guys are so quick to like they got
Speaker 2: to win, they got to win the argument, and it's
Speaker 2: like what are you doing? What are you winning? Like
Speaker 2: you're going to argue with your wife and like make
Speaker 2: her cry, and then you're like I won that argument,
Speaker 2: and then she hates you and resents you like wait, like,
Speaker 2: don't be an idiot, and it's like I.
Speaker 6: I've been guilty though to start, Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 6: I'm mad of you. Sorry.
Speaker 13: I think for me, I necessarily felt like in other
Speaker 13: situations of mine it was I was very reactive. I
Speaker 13: think that's why I was alone for five years, because
Speaker 13: I really needed to collect myself. I think in the
Speaker 13: past that's why I say to him all the time,
Speaker 13: and ten years ago, it's not that I wouldn't have
Speaker 13: wanted to be with you. I just wouldn't have been
Speaker 13: in the right headspace. And I don't think that you
Speaker 13: deserve what I had gone through before. So I've learned
Speaker 13: a lot of less and I've made mistakes, and I
Speaker 13: just want this to be right. So for me, that
Speaker 13: was a lesson that I had to learn, because I
Speaker 13: think girls can equally want to be right. That for me,
Speaker 13: it was really difficult in the past, and he's made
Speaker 13: it unbelievably easy, to the point where if I even
Speaker 13: get to the point where I'm so frustrated, he's like
Speaker 13: very quick to understand. I hear you like you're allowed
Speaker 13: to feel that, and that helped me shift where my
Speaker 13: mind used to go, which was a little bit of anger.
Speaker 1: So it was the validation of how you felt in
Speaker 1: those reactive moments. Yes, that allowed you to not be reactive?
Speaker 5: What was it that allowed you?
Speaker 1: Because I feel like, as Benny was saying earlier, you
Speaker 1: carry this baggage from all of our relationships into this one.
Speaker 13: I respect Benny because he's done nothing but respect me.
Speaker 13: I again trust him. I can tell him any even
Speaker 13: if it's about something that's uncomfortable, and maybe she should
Speaker 13: just talk to your girlfriends like he is that and
Speaker 13: that helps calm me down to say, Okay, so I'm
Speaker 13: going through these things because of maybe what I had
Speaker 13: before or whatever it is. It's nothing is ever bad,
Speaker 13: Like nothing in my life. I regret and I'm so
Speaker 13: so happy for my journey and I'll continue to be.
Speaker 13: It is a lesson that you have to be patient
Speaker 13: and learn. And I just I could never picture myself
Speaker 13: disrespecting him.
Speaker 2: I think, well, it's also just a different thing because
Speaker 2: it's like, look, none of us are perfect. Like she
Speaker 2: gets spicy sometimes and when I see something happening, it's
Speaker 2: about guiding the missile, not adding a jet pack on
Speaker 2: top of it with a with like machine gun artillery,
Speaker 2: Like I want to make if I see her getting
Speaker 2: to a place where I'm like, man, in five minutes
Speaker 2: from now, this room could explode. I'm never gonna let
Speaker 2: it get to that. Five minutes from now. I'm gonna say,
Speaker 2: what are all the tools that I know that work
Speaker 2: for her, that I've learned over Like, I'm not gonna
Speaker 2: exacerbate a situation. I'm gonna try to calm it down,
Speaker 2: because why do I want to be in that position
Speaker 2: where we're both just like upset about something. I don't
Speaker 2: want to just calm it down and tell her what
Speaker 2: she wants to hear. I'm not saying that. I'm not
Speaker 2: saying like to your partner.
Speaker 8: Be like yes, you're right, You're totally right.
Speaker 5: Like everything you know.
Speaker 2: I think you listen and you say like okay, Like
Speaker 2: sometimes I even I'll say like, let's not let it
Speaker 2: get there, let's like just talk about this. And I
Speaker 2: do think physical touch is always like a very big way,
Speaker 2: like if you're in a conversation with your partner, like
Speaker 2: it's like sometimes just like a hand helps or just
Speaker 2: holding their hand while you're telling them, or giving them
Speaker 2: a hug while you're telling them, and if someone's upset,
Speaker 2: let them talk it out first, and then after they
Speaker 2: talk it out, be like, Okay, well here's what I
Speaker 2: think you know, and you can work through these things together.
Speaker 2: It's such an easy way. It's not always easy, I
Speaker 2: can tell you that. And sometimes we just someone wants
Speaker 2: to be frustrated, and it's like, sometimes she'll tell me that.
Speaker 2: She'll just be like, I know it's gonna be okay,
Speaker 2: but like, I just want to be frustrated in this moment.
Speaker 2: And I'll have to redirect because I'll be like, you
Speaker 2: know what, you have every right to be in this moment,
Speaker 2: and she'll say this is why she said, this is
Speaker 2: why I want to be frustrated in this moment. She
Speaker 2: said it the other day about something I can't even remember,
Speaker 2: and I was just like, oh my god. I was like, yeah,
Speaker 2: I was like, that makes so much sense. I was like,
Speaker 2: I don't agree with the frustration. We'll get there afterwards,
Speaker 2: and I was like, but I get it. I get it,
Speaker 2: and it's so cool and I've never quite had a
Speaker 2: relationship like with her, and we're the furthest thing from
Speaker 2: perfect in the world. We're perfect for each other, not
Speaker 2: perfect for everyone else. But I think the thing that's
Speaker 2: cool is that we've had.
Speaker 8: All these experiences.
Speaker 2: I've had all my experiences where it wasn't right, and
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, okay, I'm going to change that the
Speaker 2: next time, you know, with this person or with that person.
Speaker 2: And I think that's when you really grow is when
Speaker 2: you take all your experiences, good or bad.
Speaker 5: Like I'm like her.
Speaker 2: I take every experience in my life, my past partners,
Speaker 2: my family, my everything. It's like everything happened for a reason,
Speaker 2: and I'm not going to sit here and mope about
Speaker 2: like things that could be better or different. What I'm
Speaker 2: going to do is I'm going to say, Okay, I
Speaker 2: learned this, and now I'm going to put it into practice.
Speaker 1: You know, for me, I always always said to RADI.
Speaker 1: I always said to my wife, do you want me
Speaker 1: to listen? Do you want me to fix this? Or
Speaker 1: do you just want me to go through it with you?
Speaker 2: Because they don't want you to fix it right away.
Speaker 2: And I'm not saying I'm saying men or women, sometimes
Speaker 2: it's not about fixing, you know, everyone is. You know,
Speaker 2: I'm such a problem solver, and you are too, so
Speaker 2: it's like your first thing, I know, the first thing
Speaker 2: in your head is like how can I fix this situation?
Speaker 2: But sometimes it's not about fixing it right there. Sometimes
Speaker 2: it's about just like you know, especially for women who
Speaker 2: are like strong, like both our partners, they don't have
Speaker 2: a lot of time to be vulnerable in all the
Speaker 2: areas of their life. They have the world on their backs.
Speaker 2: Your wife has. There's so many people that rely on her.
Speaker 2: There's so many people that rely on her, So sometimes
Speaker 2: they just want to complain about something and that's okay, that's.
Speaker 5: Okay, Yeah, it's okay. Who else are they going to
Speaker 5: do it to?
Speaker 2: They might as well do it and you just listen.
Speaker 1: Well, Benny and Selena show us is that love is
Speaker 1: less about avoiding conflict and more about how you navigate it,
Speaker 1: taking space without abandoning each other, listening before fixing, and
Speaker 1: validating feelings instead of winning the argument. That's what creates trust, respect,
Speaker 1: and growth. Their story is proof that lasting love isn't
Speaker 1: built on perfection, It's built on continuing to choose each other.
Speaker 1: And finally, President Biden, it was the honor of a
Speaker 1: lifetime to be invited to the White House to interview
Speaker 1: a sitting president. When I sat with President Biden, our
Speaker 1: conversation turned to loneliness, grief, and the role of family.
Speaker 1: He reflected on how small gestures of presence, a call,
Speaker 1: a visit, simply showing up can ease the anxiety many
Speaker 1: young people face today.
Speaker 7: Think of all the young people today, I think that
Speaker 7: there's more anxiety and loneliness today than there's been in
Speaker 7: a long long time. You know, my friend I appointed
Speaker 7: Admiral by mcmurthhy, he was telling me about, you know,
Speaker 7: the percentage of young people today who are feeling lonely alone,
Speaker 7: and sometimes it's just touching just showing up. I used
Speaker 7: to get the son Bo, who should be sitting here
Speaker 7: instead of me, would always say, Dad, you know I
Speaker 7: have time to make that call. You know, I'd get
Speaker 7: in a plane and go home. And because someone had
Speaker 7: a serious problem, lost a wife or daughter, and I
Speaker 7: said that you don't have time. When he passed away,
Speaker 7: the hundreds of people told me how he called, he
Speaker 7: showed up, he was there, And because the people have
Speaker 7: shown up for me too, it just really matters.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you've been through you mentioned it. There You've been
Speaker 1: through so much tragic loss in your life. As you
Speaker 1: just mentioned there, you didn't run for presidency in twenty sixteen,
Speaker 1: shortly after the loss of your son. You've lost your
Speaker 1: first wife and daughter in a horrific accident. I can't
Speaker 1: even begin to understand how someone has the courage to
Speaker 1: process that much loss in grief, let alone move forward
Speaker 1: in the way you have. It's truly admirable. How did
Speaker 1: you begin?
Speaker 7: I had an overwhelming advantage in the loss, and that
Speaker 7: was I had a really close family. Was there, for example,
Speaker 7: when my wife and daughter were killed, my first wife
Speaker 7: and my two boys were very badly injured. Attractor chail
Speaker 7: and brought side. I was not in the accident. When
Speaker 7: I got home from the hospital. Well, my sister and
Speaker 7: husband already gave up their apartment and moved in. Helped
Speaker 7: me raise my kid my brother. We lived in a
Speaker 7: suburban area. It was more country than suburban, and there
Speaker 7: was a little barn on a prock garage bar and
Speaker 7: my brother came and he turned the loft to the
Speaker 7: barn into an apartment for himself. They were there for
Speaker 7: me all the time. That was a gigantic difference. My
Speaker 7: best friend of my life and my sister and my brothers.
Speaker 12: And.
Speaker 7: So I had an enormous advantage. And I think that
Speaker 7: when you see people who were going through something tough,
Speaker 7: it does matter if you reach out. I mean it
Speaker 7: does matter. Like, for example, you know you have a
Speaker 7: one you're a senator. For all the years I was
Speaker 7: in a small state, you know so many people, and
Speaker 7: people would pass away to show up at the wake
Speaker 7: of the funeral, no matter what was happening. I learned
Speaker 7: it early on. People would stop and just come and
Speaker 7: throw their arms around me because if they know you
Speaker 7: know the pain they feel, they get some solace in it.
Speaker 7: It's not always easy, but it just matters just to
Speaker 7: just to reach out, let people know you see them.
Speaker 1: How did you allow yourself to receive that help too?
Speaker 1: I feel like, as you were mentioning earlier, with the
Speaker 1: loneliness and anxiety that exists, a lot of people either
Speaker 1: struggle to know what to say. I think we live
Speaker 1: in a society where people are like, but what do
Speaker 1: I say if they've gone through that? And the opposite
Speaker 1: end what you just said. Being able to be open
Speaker 1: enough to actually receive help requires a certain amount of
Speaker 1: courage and strength as well.
Speaker 7: Well, I was raising a family for real extended family,
Speaker 7: my grandparents as well, where my dad in an expression,
Speaker 7: families beginning, middle and end. There's a rule of the
Speaker 7: family growing up.
Speaker 8: Not a joke.
Speaker 7: We didn't notice the time, but whenever you wanted to
Speaker 7: speak to your mother or father, I mean, they said,
Speaker 7: can we he had a problem. No matter what they
Speaker 7: were doing, they stopped. No matter what they were doing,
Speaker 7: they stopped and heard, listen to you. And I did
Speaker 7: the same with my children, and they did the same
Speaker 7: with theirs, because it's a matter of them knowing that
Speaker 7: they are the most important thing in your life. Have
Speaker 7: they got a problem, You're there to listen. I have
Speaker 7: seven grandkids, four of them all five and mold enough
Speaker 7: to talk on the phone. You know, every day I
Speaker 7: either text them or call them. And a matter of
Speaker 7: factor in the campaign, they were having a I didn't
Speaker 7: realize they're having an interview the four oldest grandchildren, they said,
Speaker 7: and just at the time, and they said, they call
Speaker 7: me pop. Pop calls us every day or text us
Speaker 7: every day, and I call them phone right. Well, I
Speaker 7: give my word. I had no idea, but it said, look,
Speaker 7: I just think being there is important it makes such
Speaker 7: a difference. I think knowing that someone's going to be
Speaker 7: there for you, just to listen, just to hold you,
Speaker 7: just to hug you.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 1: After his own losses, he shared how family and community
Speaker 1: carried him through. Research confirms it social support is one
Speaker 1: of the strongest predictors of resilience in the face of trauma.
Speaker 1: What the President reminds us is that helping doesn't require
Speaker 1: perfect words or solutions. It can simply require presence to
Speaker 1: reach out when someone is struggling, to show up when
Speaker 1: it would be easier to stay away, and to listen
Speaker 1: fully so the people we love know they matter, because
Speaker 1: sometimes the greatest gift we can give is simply not
Speaker 1: letting someone go through it alone. These conversations are just
Speaker 1: a glimpse of what this community has built together over
Speaker 1: five million subscribed. On Purpose has always been about learning
Speaker 1: and growing together. Thank you for being a part of
Speaker 1: this community, for listening, watching, and carrying these lessons into
Speaker 1: your own lives. I'm so incredibly grateful and I can't
Speaker 1: wait for the next five million. Thank you. If you
Speaker 1: enjoyed this podcast, you're going to love my conversation with
Speaker 1: Michelle Obama, where she opens up on how to stay
Speaker 1: with your partner when they're changing, and the four check
Speaker 1: ins you should be doing in your relationship. We also
Speaker 1: talk about how to deal with relationships when they're under stressed.
Speaker 1: If you're going through something right now with your partner
Speaker 1: or someone you're seeing, this is the episode for you.
Speaker 9: Now, wonder our kids are struggling. We have a new
Speaker 9: technology and we've just taken it in hookline and Sinker,
Speaker 9: and we have to be mindful for our kids. They'll
Speaker 9: just be thumbing through this stuff. You know, their mind's
Speaker 9: never sleeping