1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:27,000 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:32,120 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:34,839 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:39,480 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode. Today, we're tackling 8 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:43,960 Speaker 1: a very frequently requested topic and also one of the 9 00:00:44,159 --> 00:00:48,760 Speaker 1: major concepts in psychology and how we can sceptualize this self. 10 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:52,600 Speaker 1: So I'm actually quite surprised that I've never done a 11 00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:56,080 Speaker 1: full episode on this before. What I'm talking about is ego, 12 00:00:56,320 --> 00:01:00,240 Speaker 1: that nasty feeling we all get sometimes that may be 13 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,880 Speaker 1: we're a little bit better than others, that maybe we 14 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,520 Speaker 1: deserve more, that life is unfair to us, or we 15 00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:10,920 Speaker 1: are somewhat too good for our reality. That feeling is 16 00:01:10,959 --> 00:01:13,839 Speaker 1: a really hard one to come to terms with. None 17 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:17,399 Speaker 1: of us like feeling entitled, and I think we can 18 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:22,000 Speaker 1: often involuntarily ignore when those feelings come up because it's 19 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:25,920 Speaker 1: shameful to admit. But I also think that it is 20 00:01:25,959 --> 00:01:28,720 Speaker 1: still very much part of the human experience as we're 21 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:31,920 Speaker 1: going to examine in this episode. There is such a 22 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:38,080 Speaker 1: long list of explanations surrounding why our ego is sometimes inflated, 23 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:41,680 Speaker 1: why we fear this way, what it's protecting us from, 24 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:46,000 Speaker 1: perhaps how it's actually really reflecting some of our more 25 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:52,240 Speaker 1: deeply rooted insecurities. Personally, I've been contemplating ego quite a 26 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:55,760 Speaker 1: bit recently, whether my reality and my self perception is 27 00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:59,240 Speaker 1: based on truth or some kind of false idea of 28 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,640 Speaker 1: how I see my And that's not really to say 29 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,840 Speaker 1: that I'm up here sitting on a very high throne 30 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,080 Speaker 1: pretending to look down on others. You know, I think 31 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:09,640 Speaker 1: I'm way too Australian to ever have that perspective. I 32 00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:12,400 Speaker 1: think I'd get cut down pretty quickly. But it's much 33 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:16,480 Speaker 1: more around am I actually worth the credit that I 34 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:21,400 Speaker 1: give myself? Or am I delusional? And also is my 35 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:24,800 Speaker 1: confidence and my self esteem really confidence or does it 36 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:28,400 Speaker 1: come off as arrogance? Is that how people might see it? 37 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:32,640 Speaker 1: And maybe that's something that you've been thinking about as well. 38 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:36,720 Speaker 1: But I think to understand ourselves and their self in general, 39 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:41,119 Speaker 1: we really firstly have to understand our ego. So we're 40 00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:44,360 Speaker 1: going to discuss that today. By kind of going back 41 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:48,640 Speaker 1: to some of our very rudimentary psychology and examining the 42 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:53,639 Speaker 1: very Freudian idea around ego and some of ego's friends, 43 00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:56,760 Speaker 1: like the ID and the super ego. We're also going 44 00:02:56,800 --> 00:03:02,040 Speaker 1: to discuss how ideas around ego have evolved and changed 45 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:05,120 Speaker 1: in the modern era to be one that's very synonymous 46 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:09,359 Speaker 1: with arrogance and self importance, and how that quality is 47 00:03:09,639 --> 00:03:13,840 Speaker 1: valued in some cultures more than others very interestingly, but 48 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:19,200 Speaker 1: also what impact that has on us and some of 49 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:22,720 Speaker 1: the crucial signs six, in particular that it might actually 50 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:26,680 Speaker 1: be your ego in control. I also think, like I 51 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:31,239 Speaker 1: reflected and was talking about before, being egotistical and being 52 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:36,560 Speaker 1: confident can be very very similar and feel very similar, 53 00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:39,880 Speaker 1: but they're definitely very different things. You know, ego is 54 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:45,560 Speaker 1: based in insecurity, in comparison, in the validation and success 55 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:49,680 Speaker 1: of yourself compared to others. Whilst I think confidence is 56 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:53,760 Speaker 1: very stable. It is this self assurance that we know 57 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,800 Speaker 1: who we are, we know what we're about, and how 58 00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:59,160 Speaker 1: we choose to treat the people around us. So we're 59 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,840 Speaker 1: also going to look at how we can tell the 60 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:05,720 Speaker 1: difference and how to shift from acting from a place 61 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:11,320 Speaker 1: of ego to acting from a place of self esteem, humility, 62 00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:14,240 Speaker 1: and grace. So I'm also going to give you four 63 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,440 Speaker 1: key tips around that, one of which is a little 64 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:19,520 Speaker 1: bit counterintuitive, but I promise you it makes sense when 65 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:22,800 Speaker 1: I explain it. So I can't wait to discuss this 66 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:26,600 Speaker 1: all with you today, the taboo of ego, the control 67 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:30,200 Speaker 1: it has over every single one of us, but also 68 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:32,880 Speaker 1: how do we accept it as part of human reality 69 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:38,040 Speaker 1: and really transform those urges to ones of self confidence. 70 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:42,239 Speaker 1: So I think, without further ado, let's discuss the real 71 00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:53,120 Speaker 1: psychology behind our egos. We cannot understand ourselves and also 72 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:57,440 Speaker 1: our deeper self without first understanding the role and the 73 00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:00,839 Speaker 1: influence of our ego. It's a vital part of who 74 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:03,760 Speaker 1: we are, and really, I think it's important to understand 75 00:05:03,839 --> 00:05:08,520 Speaker 1: how it compels us to behave in certain ways, entreat 76 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:13,360 Speaker 1: others as well, and innate to that understanding is examining 77 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:16,279 Speaker 1: and having a good grasp of the actual origins and 78 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:19,960 Speaker 1: the basics of ego, because there's a few different ways 79 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,159 Speaker 1: of viewing it. Some of them are helpful, some of 80 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:26,080 Speaker 1: them are less helpful, And I think with most psychological 81 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:29,839 Speaker 1: concepts that have been kind of extrapolated for everyday use. 82 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,160 Speaker 1: There is always going to be some diffusion of accuracy 83 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:35,880 Speaker 1: and how we use these terms and how we use 84 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:40,440 Speaker 1: the term ego and refer to it throughout our daily lives. 85 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:46,239 Speaker 1: So firstly, let's distinguish between the general psychobabble pop culture 86 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:51,600 Speaker 1: understanding of ego and some of the deeper psychoanalytic research 87 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:55,960 Speaker 1: and characterization of what this is, what purpose it serves, 88 00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:58,479 Speaker 1: why it exists, Because, like I said, there is a 89 00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:04,159 Speaker 1: big difference here. Psychologists have been defining and redefining the 90 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:07,640 Speaker 1: ego for many, many years, but we really need to 91 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:11,000 Speaker 1: start at Freud to get a good bird's eye view 92 00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:15,160 Speaker 1: of what it was intended to explain. So Freud was 93 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:19,320 Speaker 1: the first psychologist to really introduce the idea of ego 94 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:24,240 Speaker 1: into this field, and I really cannot overstate the waves 95 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,920 Speaker 1: that his essay on this created at the time and 96 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:30,080 Speaker 1: still to this day. I would say his initial paper 97 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:32,840 Speaker 1: on this is possibly one of the most influential or 98 00:06:32,839 --> 00:06:36,719 Speaker 1: famous papers ever written in the field of psychology. It 99 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:41,000 Speaker 1: has created entirely new fields of research and studies for 100 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:46,039 Speaker 1: generations because of how novel his ideas really were. So 101 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:50,239 Speaker 1: for Freud, our ego is really attached to our sense 102 00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:54,680 Speaker 1: of self. And in Latin, ego literally means I or 103 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:58,960 Speaker 1: me or self, so our unconscious mind also referred to 104 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,159 Speaker 1: as the self. So in some ways the same as ego. 105 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:07,560 Speaker 1: It's controlled by three things, three unique influencers who are 106 00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:11,240 Speaker 1: all striving for control. Firstly the ego, and then we 107 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:14,960 Speaker 1: have the ID, and finally the super ego. So the 108 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:18,400 Speaker 1: last two are kind of left out of our conversations 109 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:22,480 Speaker 1: on this because they're seen as kind of secondary characters 110 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:25,640 Speaker 1: to the main player here. So our ID is this 111 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:31,880 Speaker 1: very primitive, instinctual, wild part of our mind that is 112 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:35,600 Speaker 1: in control of things like aggression, like our sexual urges. 113 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:40,320 Speaker 1: It's driven by what Freud called the pleasure principle. So 114 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:43,920 Speaker 1: that's part of our mind which many of us try 115 00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:45,960 Speaker 1: to suppress, the kind, you know, the part of our 116 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:51,160 Speaker 1: mind which is really striving for deep emotional, primitive release, 117 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:54,560 Speaker 1: the instant gratification of all of our desires, all of 118 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:59,119 Speaker 1: our wants and our needs really at whatever cost. Now, 119 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:02,120 Speaker 1: if we let that sign of us run freely, it 120 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:06,960 Speaker 1: would be incredibly socially disruptive and chaotic. So this is 121 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:09,840 Speaker 1: where our super ego comes in, and this is the 122 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:13,200 Speaker 1: subconscious part of our mind that kind of acts as 123 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:18,600 Speaker 1: a counterbalance to that really wild, unruly instinctual part of us. 124 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,640 Speaker 1: So if the ID in this situation is kind of 125 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:24,920 Speaker 1: the devil, the super ego is really the angel, kind 126 00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:28,440 Speaker 1: of the holder of all of our deep moral instincts, 127 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:32,400 Speaker 1: our desire to be good. And importantly, the super ego 128 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:36,600 Speaker 1: is what contains all of those internalized moral standards and 129 00:08:36,679 --> 00:08:41,160 Speaker 1: ideals that have been passed from generation to generation, from 130 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,920 Speaker 1: our families, from our parents, from our society. It's really 131 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:48,000 Speaker 1: our sense of right and wrong that tries to in 132 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:51,000 Speaker 1: some ways civilize us. So the ear and the super 133 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:54,880 Speaker 1: ego are kind of in this deep battle for control 134 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:59,320 Speaker 1: of our mind, and our ego is the parent here. 135 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:02,719 Speaker 1: Our ego, oh is the final decider. So what our 136 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:05,760 Speaker 1: ego needs to do is balance both of these things 137 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:08,559 Speaker 1: and try and come to some kind of decision about 138 00:09:08,559 --> 00:09:11,960 Speaker 1: how we act. And I think these days we really 139 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:15,160 Speaker 1: think of the ego as synonymous with things like arrogance 140 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:20,000 Speaker 1: or a really expanded unnatural sense of self worth. But 141 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:23,240 Speaker 1: for Freud, our ego was the part of us in 142 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,120 Speaker 1: control of reality, the part of us which takes in 143 00:09:26,679 --> 00:09:29,680 Speaker 1: all of the urges and the impulses from the ear 144 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:32,280 Speaker 1: and then all of the good intentions of the super 145 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,559 Speaker 1: ego and makes an informed decision about how we want 146 00:09:35,559 --> 00:09:38,960 Speaker 1: to represent ourselves to the world, what actions we actually 147 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:41,000 Speaker 1: want to take. So I'm going to give a quick 148 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,680 Speaker 1: example here to kind of really nail in this point. 149 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:47,520 Speaker 1: Say you've been dating someone for a few months and 150 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:51,480 Speaker 1: they do something that really annoys you. Maybe they stand 151 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,760 Speaker 1: you up, maybe they forget to text you back, or 152 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:57,800 Speaker 1: they get too drunk or do something stupid. In that moment, 153 00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:01,520 Speaker 1: the anger and the annoyance that we're bound to feel 154 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:04,520 Speaker 1: is going to come from the eard and this part 155 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:07,959 Speaker 1: of you might really want to lash out, to be furious, 156 00:10:08,559 --> 00:10:10,920 Speaker 1: to give them the silent treatment, to do the things 157 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:13,680 Speaker 1: that might make you feel in the moment a lot better, 158 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,560 Speaker 1: but that we know in the long run are probably 159 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:21,840 Speaker 1: actually going to sabotage that relationship. So on the other side, 160 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:24,160 Speaker 1: we have our super ego, and this is the part 161 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:27,040 Speaker 1: of us that is pushing us to forgive, to act 162 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:30,360 Speaker 1: in a way that is very emotionally pure and also 163 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:34,280 Speaker 1: at times perhaps a little bit too passive. And the 164 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:38,000 Speaker 1: ego's role here is to balance both of those perspectives 165 00:10:38,559 --> 00:10:43,240 Speaker 1: and act in a quite rational, self fulfilling way. So 166 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:48,040 Speaker 1: for Freud, having a strong, well checked ego meant having 167 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:52,600 Speaker 1: a strong sense of self awareness. However, when that ego 168 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:57,480 Speaker 1: becomes unbalanced or misaligned to our reality, that's when we 169 00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:01,200 Speaker 1: start to see what we would call egotistical behavior, where 170 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:04,800 Speaker 1: we are not really seeing reality and our role and 171 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:08,280 Speaker 1: place in reality clearly enough, and we're kind of elevating 172 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:15,079 Speaker 1: ourselves beyond perhaps where we actually stand objectively. This unbalanced, 173 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:20,240 Speaker 1: overinflated ego is really what's aligned with our present day conceptualization. 174 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,959 Speaker 1: It's kind of used more as a synonym of our 175 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,599 Speaker 1: sense of self esteem or our sense of self importance, 176 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:29,080 Speaker 1: how we see ourselves in relation to others, to our successes, 177 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:32,199 Speaker 1: to our mistakes, and our sense of self worth. And 178 00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,440 Speaker 1: this is the perspective that we're going to take today. 179 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:38,280 Speaker 1: Our ego is that combination of all of those hidden 180 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:42,080 Speaker 1: aspects of our mind, our insecurities, our urges, our values, 181 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:46,120 Speaker 1: our morals, and when it's out of balance, that's when 182 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:49,319 Speaker 1: we begin to see those behaviors that society tells us 183 00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:53,720 Speaker 1: are not particularly desirable. But I think what's important to 184 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,960 Speaker 1: note is that all of those behaviors that we see 185 00:11:56,960 --> 00:12:01,400 Speaker 1: as connected to being egotistical. Is this is really an 186 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:05,400 Speaker 1: effort by our subconscious mind to protect us, to protect 187 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:09,280 Speaker 1: our reality, to protect our sense of self esteem through 188 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:14,240 Speaker 1: things like arguing or putting others down, or passive aggressiveness 189 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:20,240 Speaker 1: in tolerance, blame, competition, distrust, self doubt. So what does 190 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,880 Speaker 1: it look like when there's part of ourselves that it's 191 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:27,280 Speaker 1: very normal and natural to have is disregulated and in control. 192 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,720 Speaker 1: What are some of the signs to watch out for 193 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,480 Speaker 1: that we're falling into a bit of an ego trap. 194 00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:36,080 Speaker 1: So I'm going to outline six in particular that perhaps 195 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:39,040 Speaker 1: your ego has more control of your life then we 196 00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:42,480 Speaker 1: would like it to. Number one, you are noticing that 197 00:12:42,559 --> 00:12:45,880 Speaker 1: you always need to be right. So the ego is 198 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:49,440 Speaker 1: at its core the picture of ourselves that our minds 199 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:52,559 Speaker 1: have created to balance our self image, all of our 200 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:56,280 Speaker 1: wants and the contents of the self, and our subconscious 201 00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:59,719 Speaker 1: mind wants that sense of self, particularly our positive sense 202 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:03,440 Speaker 1: of self esteem, to really be maintained, because when it's 203 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:07,840 Speaker 1: injured by things like rejection or embarrassment, it can cause 204 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,640 Speaker 1: really emotional and mental pain that can feel quite profound. 205 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:15,479 Speaker 1: And one thing that can challenge that kind of equilibrium, 206 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:19,320 Speaker 1: and that can make us feel bad is being wrong 207 00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:23,560 Speaker 1: because it causes us to question our version of reality. Normally, 208 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,080 Speaker 1: when our ego is in check, it can really take 209 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:29,880 Speaker 1: on those mistakes. It's okay to be wrong and to 210 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:33,040 Speaker 1: be corrected by other people. We take that with humility, 211 00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:37,080 Speaker 1: we integrate that into our understanding. We're okay to move 212 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:41,040 Speaker 1: past that. But when our ego is overinflated, we become 213 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:46,280 Speaker 1: incredibly defensive. We all have that experience of being friends 214 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:50,040 Speaker 1: with someone who, no matter what, has to be right, 215 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:54,559 Speaker 1: who corrects you instantly when you slip up. I love 216 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,120 Speaker 1: this saying of like the actually friend you know, well, 217 00:13:57,160 --> 00:14:01,120 Speaker 1: actually that's not right. Actually that what this really means. 218 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:04,720 Speaker 1: It's not a pleasant experience. And the reason people act 219 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:08,080 Speaker 1: this way is because they are projecting a deeper insecurity 220 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,440 Speaker 1: that their ego is unable to keep in check, perhaps 221 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:14,960 Speaker 1: that they aren't smart enough or they aren't intelligent, so 222 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:18,320 Speaker 1: they feel the need to overcompensate to regulate their self 223 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,720 Speaker 1: esteem by always being correct. That is a huge sign 224 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:26,440 Speaker 1: of an overinflated ego, because the healthy ego would be 225 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:29,400 Speaker 1: able to manage being wrong without reacting in a way 226 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:33,720 Speaker 1: that lets the id and lets those insecurities take control 227 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:36,400 Speaker 1: and really act in a way that satisfies the hunger 228 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:40,480 Speaker 1: and the need and the gratification of being right. Number two, 229 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:44,320 Speaker 1: you're never happy with what you have. If you feel 230 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:48,920 Speaker 1: constantly dissatisfied with what you have, you're consistently comparing yourself 231 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,040 Speaker 1: to others what they have that you don't, feeling like 232 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:55,240 Speaker 1: you should be entitled to that, and therefore maybe acting 233 00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:58,000 Speaker 1: out of a place of jealousy or envy. That's a 234 00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,120 Speaker 1: really huge sign that your ego is in control. That's 235 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,920 Speaker 1: that entitlement is an indicator that perhaps you are not 236 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:08,360 Speaker 1: providing yourself with enough challenge, with enough growth, but also 237 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:13,240 Speaker 1: with humility. It's okay to sometimes full victim to a 238 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,800 Speaker 1: bit of social comparison. We know that it's a very 239 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:21,040 Speaker 1: innate biological, evolutionary urge to compare ourselves in order to 240 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:25,480 Speaker 1: mediate our own expectations and our own behavior. But when 241 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:28,880 Speaker 1: it comes from a place of almost anger, that's what 242 00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:31,960 Speaker 1: indicates that your ego is looking for some kind of 243 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:36,080 Speaker 1: success or material possession, or a sign that you are 244 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:39,960 Speaker 1: good enough to validate your self esteem. We think that 245 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:43,320 Speaker 1: people who have more money or more followers or more friends, 246 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:46,720 Speaker 1: or have those really nice clothes or better items than us. 247 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,840 Speaker 1: We think that they are better, when really what we 248 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:53,040 Speaker 1: should be measuring our happiness and success by is the 249 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:56,120 Speaker 1: contents of our life, of our emotions, of our sense 250 00:15:56,160 --> 00:16:00,320 Speaker 1: of fulfillment. That's something that the healthy ego can do. 251 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:03,880 Speaker 1: It can reflect on our beautiful attributes and what we 252 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:09,640 Speaker 1: do have. So when we're constantly feeling entitled to want more, 253 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:13,200 Speaker 1: to have more, to tear others down who might be 254 00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:16,200 Speaker 1: doing better than us, that's again a sign that the 255 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:19,960 Speaker 1: ego is in control. Very similar to this is that 256 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:24,440 Speaker 1: you find yourself judging others more often than usual. This 257 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:27,800 Speaker 1: is what we call downward social comparison, and it's very 258 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:31,440 Speaker 1: easy to get a momentary spike in our self esteem 259 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:35,720 Speaker 1: when we're feeling inadequate by making others feel worse about themselves. 260 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:40,280 Speaker 1: In psychology, downward social comparison is a defensive tendency that 261 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:44,760 Speaker 1: occurs when we deliberately compare ourselves to people who we 262 00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:49,000 Speaker 1: perceive as worse off or worse than us, as a 263 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:52,440 Speaker 1: way to elevate our own sense of self worth. This 264 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:55,320 Speaker 1: might also manifest in thinking that you're too good for 265 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:58,040 Speaker 1: some people too good to talk to them, too good 266 00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:00,280 Speaker 1: to include them, to be friends with them, to show 267 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,840 Speaker 1: them compassion. That's honestly one of my biggest pet peeves. 268 00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:07,320 Speaker 1: I have this very deep belief that no one is 269 00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:10,040 Speaker 1: better than anyone else. There are very few people in 270 00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:13,159 Speaker 1: this world who do not deserve your respect. You know, 271 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:16,520 Speaker 1: I met people when I was at Uni, and the 272 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,560 Speaker 1: way that they treated me and kind of others as well, 273 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:22,240 Speaker 1: and turned their nose up at people who they didn't 274 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,439 Speaker 1: see as fitting into the INN group or being cool, 275 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:30,120 Speaker 1: that left such a powerful impression. You get nothing out 276 00:17:30,119 --> 00:17:33,040 Speaker 1: of making other people feel bad just so that you 277 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:37,080 Speaker 1: can feel better, and it's very short lasting. It closes 278 00:17:37,119 --> 00:17:41,080 Speaker 1: you off. And also people will remember how you made 279 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,719 Speaker 1: them feel, and I think that's an important part of 280 00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:46,800 Speaker 1: being a good person and being a good human. Very 281 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,920 Speaker 1: similar to what I mentioned before. Someone who is sure 282 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:53,959 Speaker 1: of themselves, who has a consistent, sustainable sense of self, 283 00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,600 Speaker 1: shouldn't have to rely on these kinds of mental or 284 00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:00,680 Speaker 1: social tactics. So if you find yourself kind of walking 285 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:04,680 Speaker 1: down the street and judging others almost internally, commenting on 286 00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:08,800 Speaker 1: what they're wearing, critiquing other people's actions, thinking to yourself. 287 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:12,359 Speaker 1: I would never wear that, I would never do that. Really, 288 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:16,080 Speaker 1: pull back for a second and contemplate why you're doing that. 289 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:20,040 Speaker 1: Where is this urge coming from. Is that your ego talking, 290 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:24,119 Speaker 1: Is that your egos need for self assurance and reassurance 291 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:28,400 Speaker 1: or is that actually your reality? So number four, you 292 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:33,520 Speaker 1: cannot manage failure, your sense of self quite literally cannot 293 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:37,360 Speaker 1: take it. It would just further injure your self concept. 294 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:40,840 Speaker 1: So you act in ways that are incredibly self sabotaging. 295 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:45,960 Speaker 1: You withdraw, you procrastinate, you express under frustration as a 296 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,639 Speaker 1: way of protecting that ego. And I think very similar 297 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:52,680 Speaker 1: to this. And number five is that in those situations 298 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:57,160 Speaker 1: where you are experiencing failure, you blame others when things 299 00:18:57,200 --> 00:19:01,560 Speaker 1: go wrong rather than taking personal account ability. So in 300 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:05,000 Speaker 1: psychology we have this distinction between an external and an 301 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:08,920 Speaker 1: internal locus of control, and it's this theory that articulates 302 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:13,359 Speaker 1: how different people will make up different reasons for why 303 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:17,479 Speaker 1: something didn't go their way. People with an internal locus 304 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:20,919 Speaker 1: of control, they believe that they are responsible for their 305 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:24,680 Speaker 1: own successes, and they can change things about their behavior 306 00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:27,439 Speaker 1: when an outcome is perhaps not what they wanted. So 307 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:31,280 Speaker 1: if they encounter failure, they appreciate their own role in 308 00:19:31,359 --> 00:19:34,560 Speaker 1: that and what lesson they can take from that experience. 309 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:38,840 Speaker 1: In contrast, people with an external locus of control, they 310 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:45,320 Speaker 1: blame things outside of them, factors like other people, like luck, fate, 311 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:48,520 Speaker 1: a rigged system. They blame all of those things for 312 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:52,080 Speaker 1: their situation, and they don't believe that they are accountable 313 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:56,320 Speaker 1: for what their encountering in their life. Not only does 314 00:19:56,359 --> 00:20:00,159 Speaker 1: that contribute to learned helplessness in which people really to 315 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:04,320 Speaker 1: value their own agency, but it also can indicate once 316 00:20:04,359 --> 00:20:08,520 Speaker 1: again that your ego is overinflated, unbalanced, or in control, 317 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:13,240 Speaker 1: especially when it comes to finding reasons to excuse things 318 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:17,720 Speaker 1: that may hurt your sense of self importance. You can't 319 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:21,240 Speaker 1: feel bad about something if it's not your fault. So 320 00:20:21,359 --> 00:20:25,560 Speaker 1: if your ego really needs protecting, it will attribute situations 321 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:30,200 Speaker 1: that prompt guilt or humility to things that are beyond 322 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:33,880 Speaker 1: our realm of agency. It's actually one of my favorite 323 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:38,320 Speaker 1: concepts in psychology because it's very noticeable, I think within 324 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:42,760 Speaker 1: others when they have an external lucus of control versus 325 00:20:43,119 --> 00:20:45,639 Speaker 1: an internal one. Something that I noticed a lot was 326 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:49,320 Speaker 1: people who complain about a test and maybe a test 327 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,720 Speaker 1: that's like really really hard, and they say that the 328 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:54,680 Speaker 1: reason they failed was that someone was talking too loud, 329 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,359 Speaker 1: that the teacher had made it way too difficult, that 330 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,639 Speaker 1: the examiner the teacher had it out for them. That 331 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,239 Speaker 1: might be true. Sometimes those things are true, but it 332 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:06,600 Speaker 1: also might be that that external locus of control is 333 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:10,960 Speaker 1: finding a way to protect your self esteem and protect 334 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:16,440 Speaker 1: your ego. The final sign of a dysregulated, overinflated, unbalanced 335 00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:20,760 Speaker 1: ego is arrogance and feeling like you deserve more from 336 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:24,119 Speaker 1: life or other people because you have some quality, some 337 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:28,480 Speaker 1: unique attribute that others don't have. This is a common theme, 338 00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:31,679 Speaker 1: I think throughout those other five indicators we've discussed, but 339 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:35,320 Speaker 1: I think it deserves its own spot because arrogance presents 340 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:38,840 Speaker 1: itself a lot more overtly. Arrogant people need to be 341 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:42,400 Speaker 1: the center of attention. They don't like compromise, they expect 342 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,040 Speaker 1: special treatment, and they have what we would call a 343 00:21:45,119 --> 00:21:50,640 Speaker 1: superiority complex. It's interesting to me because this sounds very 344 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:55,919 Speaker 1: similar to certain personality disorders, particularly narcissism. And actually there 345 00:21:55,960 --> 00:22:00,399 Speaker 1: have been some theories that a permanently disregulated ego or 346 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:04,359 Speaker 1: an injured subconscious might actually be behind the existence of 347 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:08,280 Speaker 1: these people in our society, those who have this preoccupation 348 00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:12,800 Speaker 1: with their own self importance, they're really entitled, they're interpersonally 349 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:19,640 Speaker 1: quite exploitative. Narcissism, however, is a diagnosable disorder, and our 350 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:23,320 Speaker 1: ego is just a part of us, right. There can 351 00:22:23,359 --> 00:22:26,240 Speaker 1: be times in which it's overinflated, in which it's acting 352 00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:29,680 Speaker 1: beyond what appears to be our sense of control, where 353 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:32,480 Speaker 1: we are acting from a place of arrogance, but it 354 00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:35,320 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that it has the same lifelong implications and 355 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:39,240 Speaker 1: the same kind of status as a personality disorder. Also, 356 00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:41,679 Speaker 1: our ego is a lot more flexible. It can be 357 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:44,760 Speaker 1: kind of bended back into check when it's triggered to 358 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:47,360 Speaker 1: protect us. And there's a few things that can do 359 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:50,640 Speaker 1: this that might have caused an ego shift or an 360 00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:55,320 Speaker 1: overinflation just temporarily. Number one is a long string of 361 00:22:55,359 --> 00:23:00,600 Speaker 1: successes or failures. These both act as unexpected events that 362 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:03,840 Speaker 1: alter our reality and our sense of self worth, and 363 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,080 Speaker 1: they cause our ego to kind of have to adjust. 364 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:09,760 Speaker 1: And that delay is what can cause that arrogance or 365 00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:13,760 Speaker 1: that over inflation. Things like bouncing back from a breakup. 366 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:17,960 Speaker 1: Sometimes we really elevate our self confidence or our ego 367 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:20,080 Speaker 1: really steps up to the plate and makes us feel 368 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:23,199 Speaker 1: a sense of self importance or entitlement to make up 369 00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:26,680 Speaker 1: for the fact that actually, deep down we're really quite hurt. 370 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:30,240 Speaker 1: Really similar to that is situations that make you feel 371 00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:33,600 Speaker 1: really emotionally uncomfortable. So I have an example of this. 372 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:37,320 Speaker 1: I have this one X who I have always felt 373 00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:41,159 Speaker 1: really inferior around, and now when I run into this 374 00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:43,600 Speaker 1: person at parties or you know, out in the street, 375 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:48,159 Speaker 1: I feel this like insane urge to just become an 376 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:53,280 Speaker 1: egotistical monster because of all that historical insecurity, and I 377 00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:57,120 Speaker 1: respond by being like the complete opposite of who I am. 378 00:23:57,480 --> 00:24:01,080 Speaker 1: I always try and make it seem like I'm doing 379 00:24:01,119 --> 00:24:05,080 Speaker 1: so amazing and almost like brag about myself, And afterwards 380 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:09,640 Speaker 1: I always really cringe because that's a really ugly part 381 00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:12,480 Speaker 1: of me that I'm not really used to, seeing this 382 00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:15,000 Speaker 1: false version of me that's kind of coming out and 383 00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:18,040 Speaker 1: trying to impress this person who I genuinely could not 384 00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:20,280 Speaker 1: care less about. At this stage, I can see now 385 00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:23,400 Speaker 1: that that's because my ego in that moment is being 386 00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:26,520 Speaker 1: triggered by those past events that have caused me emotional pain, 387 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:29,359 Speaker 1: that have caused me to feel bad about myself, and 388 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:35,000 Speaker 1: so it's trying to create almost a sense of being better, 389 00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:39,720 Speaker 1: or being entitled, or being successful as a way to 390 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:44,000 Speaker 1: protect myself from having to feel those feelings around that person. Again, 391 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:48,600 Speaker 1: our minds operate in such funny, unconscious ways to help 392 00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:51,960 Speaker 1: us out, and sometimes in trying to help us, actually 393 00:24:52,119 --> 00:24:56,560 Speaker 1: it acts in a really catiproductive, contradictory way and creates 394 00:24:56,600 --> 00:25:01,480 Speaker 1: more trouble. And sometimes I think we think that confidence 395 00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:03,600 Speaker 1: and I think about that in that situation, we think 396 00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:07,040 Speaker 1: that confidence and ego are the same things, or we 397 00:25:07,119 --> 00:25:10,199 Speaker 1: confuse our ego with confidence, and that's a distinction that 398 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,840 Speaker 1: I really want to explore. How can we tell the 399 00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:16,639 Speaker 1: difference between when we're experiencing perhaps just a high self 400 00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:21,160 Speaker 1: esteem versus an untamed ego, they can feel really similar. 401 00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:24,240 Speaker 1: So I really want to discuss that next, along with 402 00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:27,159 Speaker 1: how we can shift from acting from a place of 403 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:30,959 Speaker 1: ego to a place of self love, humility, and compassion. 404 00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:33,720 Speaker 1: So all of that and more after this short break. 405 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:43,399 Speaker 1: I think there is a very thin line that separates 406 00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:47,760 Speaker 1: our self esteem from our ego. It's something I contemplate 407 00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:51,240 Speaker 1: a lot, especially as a woman, because sometimes I think 408 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:55,280 Speaker 1: society likes to misconstrue our self confidence and our self 409 00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:59,240 Speaker 1: assurance as arrogance. But there is a distinction, and I 410 00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:03,320 Speaker 1: think villain self confidence won't actually do anything to soothe 411 00:26:03,359 --> 00:26:06,560 Speaker 1: our ego. I think we can still have those qualities 412 00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:10,240 Speaker 1: of being really amazing and claiming our power and knowing 413 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:15,040 Speaker 1: our worth and having a stable ego. Additionally, I think 414 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,239 Speaker 1: we all benefit every now and again from a bit 415 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:21,120 Speaker 1: of an ego boost. It's nice to feel like you're 416 00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:24,240 Speaker 1: admired or you've done something right, and we don't want 417 00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:29,160 Speaker 1: to fall too deeply into humility because that can sometimes 418 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:32,680 Speaker 1: actually contribute to poor self esteem when we can never 419 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:36,320 Speaker 1: kind of take credit for our successes and our hard work, 420 00:26:36,359 --> 00:26:39,560 Speaker 1: and we can never take a compliment, and doing so 421 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,480 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that your ego is out of control. You're 422 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:46,960 Speaker 1: allowed to feel proud of yourself for your accomplishments without 423 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:50,520 Speaker 1: trying to call yourself back into check and tell yourself 424 00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:53,040 Speaker 1: to be humble and to settle down. I think when 425 00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:58,120 Speaker 1: our ego is actually activated, that comes off very very differently. 426 00:26:58,119 --> 00:27:01,280 Speaker 1: It comes off as self entitlement and arrogance. You know, 427 00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:04,320 Speaker 1: that need to be right, that judgment, that is all 428 00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:08,200 Speaker 1: coming from a deep detachment from ourself. At the core 429 00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:11,639 Speaker 1: is this insecurity, and what I mean by that is 430 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:15,280 Speaker 1: that our ego is once again acting as a way 431 00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:18,600 Speaker 1: to protect us from being injured by things that it 432 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:22,760 Speaker 1: thinks will hurt our sense of self concept. Additionally, it's 433 00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:26,480 Speaker 1: quite relational, so it's quite comparative and almost based on 434 00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:30,240 Speaker 1: the existence of others. So our ego only really ever 435 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:33,560 Speaker 1: acts out in front of other people, and it's very 436 00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:36,000 Speaker 1: loud in the presence of others because it's often in 437 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:39,880 Speaker 1: those situations or when we are put in a position 438 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,520 Speaker 1: where we feel the need to compare ourselves to others, 439 00:27:43,119 --> 00:27:45,720 Speaker 1: that our ego is triggered and so we self enhance, 440 00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:50,800 Speaker 1: we fluff out our feathers. That is almost a defensive mechanism. 441 00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:57,040 Speaker 1: In contrast, self confidence exists regardless of the actions, the opinions, 442 00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:01,960 Speaker 1: all the presence of others comes from that instability within 443 00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:06,560 Speaker 1: the self. But confidence comes from certainty and trust in ourself, 444 00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:11,120 Speaker 1: and like I said, it's very separate and irresponsive to others. 445 00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:14,439 Speaker 1: Confidence is always going to be there regardless of what 446 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:17,439 Speaker 1: other people think of you, regardless of whether other people 447 00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:21,840 Speaker 1: around because it is an internal source of reinforcement of validation, 448 00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:25,120 Speaker 1: compared to ego, which is seeking the approval and validation 449 00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:28,720 Speaker 1: of others. I think the other distinction is that ego 450 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:32,199 Speaker 1: is counterproductive and it causes us to act in ways 451 00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:34,800 Speaker 1: that are not aligned to our true selves, whereas self 452 00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:38,800 Speaker 1: confidence comes from knowing that true self and being comfortable 453 00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:42,560 Speaker 1: in that, trusting our choices and our decisions. And whilst 454 00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:46,960 Speaker 1: ego responds to distortions in reality, you know, feeling like 455 00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:49,360 Speaker 1: we're better than others or at times that we are 456 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:54,080 Speaker 1: maybe undeserving of things, confidence is really rooted in the truth. 457 00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:57,440 Speaker 1: I know my value, I know who I am, I 458 00:28:57,600 --> 00:29:00,360 Speaker 1: know what I bring to the table, and we can 459 00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:04,760 Speaker 1: recognize the difference and when ego versus confidence is in 460 00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:09,160 Speaker 1: control a few ways. Firstly, you can tell when your 461 00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:11,760 Speaker 1: ego is triggered versus when you're responding from a place 462 00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:15,240 Speaker 1: of self esteem based on the direction of your energy. 463 00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:19,440 Speaker 1: So let me clarify this. If someone insults you, your 464 00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:22,920 Speaker 1: ego will ask you to respond by tearing them down, 465 00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:26,400 Speaker 1: finding a way to undermine them and prove that their 466 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:30,000 Speaker 1: opinion is wrong or invalid, that you don't need to 467 00:29:30,040 --> 00:29:33,720 Speaker 1: listen to it, perhaps by identifying something about them that 468 00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:37,280 Speaker 1: you don't like or some personal fault. Confidence, on the 469 00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:39,800 Speaker 1: other hand, doesn't care if what they said is true. 470 00:29:40,280 --> 00:29:43,280 Speaker 1: It might be true, this person might believe it, but 471 00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:46,040 Speaker 1: we don't mind, we don't care, and so you don't 472 00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:49,240 Speaker 1: need to respond by retaliating. You don't need to respond 473 00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:53,080 Speaker 1: by reinforcing your self worth by bringing that person down. 474 00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:56,160 Speaker 1: But you dismiss the comment, You hold your head high, 475 00:29:56,520 --> 00:30:01,040 Speaker 1: and you provide that own positive self affirmation and through 476 00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:04,120 Speaker 1: your own means rather than through your comparison to someone else. 477 00:30:05,080 --> 00:30:08,840 Speaker 1: Confidence will never rely on your needing to feel better 478 00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:12,440 Speaker 1: than someone else, but ego often does rely on that 479 00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:18,520 Speaker 1: false sense of superiority. Secondly, ego feels uncomfortable and confidence 480 00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:22,640 Speaker 1: feels safe and healthy. When we act from that place 481 00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:26,520 Speaker 1: of an overinflated ego, all of that insecurity that is 482 00:30:26,680 --> 00:30:31,280 Speaker 1: driving this response will still exist after the fact. It's 483 00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:34,200 Speaker 1: not going to go anywhere. You're still going to feel bad, 484 00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:38,160 Speaker 1: You're still going to feel unstable. That deflated self esteem 485 00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:42,920 Speaker 1: will remain and you'll almost feel i would say, emotionally 486 00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:48,040 Speaker 1: hung over from that overactivity of your ego. When you're 487 00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:51,920 Speaker 1: relying on your confidence, you will still feel that sense 488 00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:56,480 Speaker 1: of reassurance your emotions are going to remain stable, because 489 00:30:56,680 --> 00:30:59,760 Speaker 1: once again, that is based on how you feel about 490 00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:05,760 Speaker 1: your self, not based on some relational or social comparison. Finally, 491 00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:09,600 Speaker 1: we see the difference in how we treat others based 492 00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:13,800 Speaker 1: on what part of ourselves a situation is. Activating Someone 493 00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:17,760 Speaker 1: whose ego is inflated or misaligned, who is letting perhaps 494 00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:22,080 Speaker 1: their id dominate, will make other people feel bad about themselves. 495 00:31:22,560 --> 00:31:26,320 Speaker 1: They will leave people feeling uncomfortable. They will suck the 496 00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:29,880 Speaker 1: energy out of the room. They will exclude others or 497 00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:32,840 Speaker 1: keep people at a distance. But people who are acting 498 00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:37,440 Speaker 1: from a place of true, unique, authentic confidence, they make 499 00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:40,080 Speaker 1: other people feel safe. They let them know that they 500 00:31:40,120 --> 00:31:44,600 Speaker 1: are wanted in those spaces, that they are interesting, that 501 00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:48,720 Speaker 1: they are comfortable in those spaces. They encourage them, They 502 00:31:48,800 --> 00:31:52,800 Speaker 1: make them feel good rather than making them feel uneasy. 503 00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:56,000 Speaker 1: So how can we act from a place of confidence 504 00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:59,520 Speaker 1: and self esteem rather than ego? And maybe a better question, 505 00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:02,640 Speaker 1: how do we rain that ego in and act from 506 00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:05,480 Speaker 1: a place of genuine self assurance? Because I think no 507 00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:09,280 Speaker 1: one likes feeling motivated by insecurity or I guess feeling 508 00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:14,719 Speaker 1: disappointed in their arrogance or their momentary entitlement. So how 509 00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:18,960 Speaker 1: do we replace ego with positive self esteem and humility. 510 00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:21,760 Speaker 1: I think the biggest thing to realize is that you 511 00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:24,960 Speaker 1: are not your ego. Your ego is just one element 512 00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:28,680 Speaker 1: of who you are, not your totality. And equally as 513 00:32:28,720 --> 00:32:32,360 Speaker 1: important is that your ego is within your control. When 514 00:32:32,360 --> 00:32:34,960 Speaker 1: you can feel it flaring up, kind of rearing its 515 00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:38,680 Speaker 1: ugly head or dysregulated, you can call it out, speak 516 00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:41,840 Speaker 1: to it as a separate entity, kind of like a 517 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:45,160 Speaker 1: mean friend or like a negative internet troll, you know, 518 00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:48,400 Speaker 1: just saying you know, no, we don't do that anymore. 519 00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:50,760 Speaker 1: That's not who we are. We don't say those things, 520 00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:54,320 Speaker 1: we don't think those things. That's not the truth. It 521 00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:58,160 Speaker 1: actually almost embarrasses your ego, and it kind of breaks 522 00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:01,239 Speaker 1: the fourth wall and you see the reality of your 523 00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:05,320 Speaker 1: thoughts more logically and clearly. Those are still your thoughts. 524 00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:10,880 Speaker 1: You are in control of them. You can adjust them accordingly. Secondly, 525 00:33:11,200 --> 00:33:14,840 Speaker 1: focus on what you feel you're objectively good at. What 526 00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:18,600 Speaker 1: qualities about yourself do you admire. This might sound like 527 00:33:19,320 --> 00:33:24,000 Speaker 1: it would maybe encourage egotistical thinking, but we know that 528 00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:26,680 Speaker 1: our ego actually flares up most of the time when 529 00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:29,920 Speaker 1: our sense of self is threatened or compromised, So finding 530 00:33:29,960 --> 00:33:33,520 Speaker 1: a sustainable source of self worth stops you from needing 531 00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:37,840 Speaker 1: to leverage other people's apparent inferiority to make yourself feel better. 532 00:33:38,680 --> 00:33:41,240 Speaker 1: I want you to make a list of five things 533 00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:45,040 Speaker 1: you are good at, five things you love about yourself, 534 00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:49,280 Speaker 1: and your five best qualities that are independent of other people. 535 00:33:49,560 --> 00:33:51,200 Speaker 1: I don't want to see things like you know, I'm 536 00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:53,040 Speaker 1: a good parent, or I'm a good daughter, or I'm 537 00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:56,560 Speaker 1: a good partner. We want qualities that are holy yours, 538 00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:59,880 Speaker 1: that you trust in, that you admire about yourself even 539 00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:03,960 Speaker 1: if other people were not around. This serves as like 540 00:34:04,080 --> 00:34:08,280 Speaker 1: almost a private reserve of good thoughts for those days 541 00:34:08,760 --> 00:34:11,279 Speaker 1: when you're maybe feeling a little bit emotionally wounded, or 542 00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:15,160 Speaker 1: you're feeling down and your ego may try and overcompensate. 543 00:34:15,760 --> 00:34:21,480 Speaker 1: It kills that need to seek approval and validation from others. 544 00:34:22,360 --> 00:34:25,759 Speaker 1: And you know, external validation is such a fickle thing. 545 00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:30,120 Speaker 1: It's very inconsistent. It's not a stable sense of self worth. 546 00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:33,480 Speaker 1: But we can provide a stable sense of self worth 547 00:34:33,560 --> 00:34:37,160 Speaker 1: by reinforcing what we like about ourselves, what we think 548 00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:40,280 Speaker 1: we're good at, what we know we're good at Thirdly, 549 00:34:40,520 --> 00:34:44,200 Speaker 1: let yourself be wrong, let yourself make mistakes, allow yourself 550 00:34:44,200 --> 00:34:46,840 Speaker 1: to kind of have a bit of a laugh at yourself. 551 00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:50,759 Speaker 1: I think taking ourselves too seriously and arrogance go hand 552 00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:54,359 Speaker 1: in hand because implicit to that assessment is that your 553 00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:57,560 Speaker 1: actions matter more than others, that you have to hold 554 00:34:57,600 --> 00:35:00,600 Speaker 1: yourself to a higher standard because you need to feel better, 555 00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:04,879 Speaker 1: look better, be better than other people. That's a lie 556 00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:08,480 Speaker 1: your brain is telling you. Everyone in this life will 557 00:35:08,520 --> 00:35:12,000 Speaker 1: make mistakes and they will be wrong at times. So 558 00:35:12,120 --> 00:35:16,600 Speaker 1: being comfortable with that reality, adjusting to that exposure and 559 00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:20,520 Speaker 1: that experience of embarrassment by turning it into a positive thing, 560 00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:24,359 Speaker 1: by having a laugh at yourself, that really slowly conditions 561 00:35:24,520 --> 00:35:26,720 Speaker 1: our sense of self esteem and our sense of self 562 00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:30,000 Speaker 1: to deal with failure and to not let it critically 563 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:36,840 Speaker 1: injure our self esteem and our self concept. Fourth is 564 00:35:36,880 --> 00:35:39,440 Speaker 1: to see the good in others, give them love and 565 00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:44,520 Speaker 1: generosity and compliments and compassion, rather than seeing them as 566 00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:48,040 Speaker 1: some source of envy or jealousy. You know. I think 567 00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:51,240 Speaker 1: having a career on social media really breeds this social 568 00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:55,000 Speaker 1: comparison a lot, and I really personally hate feeling like 569 00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:57,640 Speaker 1: I need to be more like someone else, or that 570 00:35:57,680 --> 00:36:01,120 Speaker 1: my content isn't good enough because I don't get X 571 00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:04,759 Speaker 1: number of listens or why number of likes. But a 572 00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:08,080 Speaker 1: saying I really love is that someone else's success isn't 573 00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:11,520 Speaker 1: the absence of your own. Just because someone else is 574 00:36:11,600 --> 00:36:16,279 Speaker 1: talented doesn't mean you're not. Those things are not finite. 575 00:36:16,320 --> 00:36:18,280 Speaker 1: There is a lot of the pie to go around, 576 00:36:18,719 --> 00:36:22,120 Speaker 1: and I think reverting to treating people like competition rather 577 00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:25,960 Speaker 1: than as friends and really people deserving of your encouragement, 578 00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:29,960 Speaker 1: it actually just devalues your own self confidence because you're 579 00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:33,880 Speaker 1: constantly looking at them for validation rather than looking at yourself. 580 00:36:33,880 --> 00:36:38,439 Speaker 1: You're constantly trying to see how you kind of line 581 00:36:38,520 --> 00:36:41,719 Speaker 1: up to see whether you meet this standard. So I 582 00:36:41,719 --> 00:36:44,680 Speaker 1: would say, really look for things that you admire about people, 583 00:36:44,760 --> 00:36:48,279 Speaker 1: Look for things about them that are really beautiful, look 584 00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:51,680 Speaker 1: for the things about them that are really human and wonderful, 585 00:36:51,760 --> 00:36:54,479 Speaker 1: and let them know that kind of spread that love. 586 00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:56,879 Speaker 1: It will make you feel better, it will make other 587 00:36:56,920 --> 00:36:59,760 Speaker 1: people feel better, it will lessen that sense of needing 588 00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:04,240 Speaker 1: to be in competition with the people around you. And finally, 589 00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:08,040 Speaker 1: I would say, ask yourself, why why do you feel 590 00:37:08,080 --> 00:37:11,160 Speaker 1: like you need to be better than everyone else, so 591 00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:14,080 Speaker 1: that maybe you are better than everyone else. Why do 592 00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:17,720 Speaker 1: you feel this entitlement? Where is this belief coming from? 593 00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:21,840 Speaker 1: Is it a childhood insecurity? Is it poor self esteem? 594 00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:24,879 Speaker 1: Is it that you maybe want a little bit more 595 00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:27,400 Speaker 1: from your life and you feel like you're not providing 596 00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:32,200 Speaker 1: yourself that opportunity Right now? Everything has an explanation, including 597 00:37:32,239 --> 00:37:34,760 Speaker 1: our ego, and I do think we have a duty 598 00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:38,840 Speaker 1: to get to that root cause, deconstruct it and replace 599 00:37:38,880 --> 00:37:43,239 Speaker 1: it with real, authentic pure confidence, with self love and 600 00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:45,960 Speaker 1: gratitude for what we do have and who we are. 601 00:37:46,760 --> 00:37:48,920 Speaker 1: There are some other things that I think are really important, 602 00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:53,040 Speaker 1: practicing gratitude, I just mentioned that that is one of them. Sometimes, 603 00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:55,560 Speaker 1: like I said, one of the signs that our ego 604 00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:58,040 Speaker 1: is in control is feeling like we deserve more from 605 00:37:58,080 --> 00:38:01,040 Speaker 1: our lives, or feeling like we deserve more from others, 606 00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:04,560 Speaker 1: being constantly dissatisfied. But when you really reflect on what 607 00:38:04,640 --> 00:38:07,200 Speaker 1: you do have and that you don't need to achieve 608 00:38:07,640 --> 00:38:10,160 Speaker 1: what others have achieved or have what they have to 609 00:38:10,560 --> 00:38:12,799 Speaker 1: be okay with your life, that's a great way of 610 00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:16,120 Speaker 1: raining your ego in. It's a hard reality to realize 611 00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:20,080 Speaker 1: that there's always going to probably be someone better than you. 612 00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:22,200 Speaker 1: You know, on that kind of scale that we see, 613 00:38:22,239 --> 00:38:24,800 Speaker 1: there's always going to be someone making more money, or 614 00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:28,120 Speaker 1: who has more friends, or who's more successful, or any 615 00:38:28,200 --> 00:38:31,520 Speaker 1: marker of success or accomplishment. You know, it's very hard 616 00:38:31,560 --> 00:38:33,080 Speaker 1: for us to be number one. A lot of people 617 00:38:33,080 --> 00:38:35,799 Speaker 1: are number two, three, four, five, six, So that is 618 00:38:35,920 --> 00:38:38,400 Speaker 1: just as valid as a place to be, and you 619 00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:41,600 Speaker 1: can still be happy with that and move on with 620 00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:43,919 Speaker 1: your life. I think that's something that I find really 621 00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:46,040 Speaker 1: important is to list the things that I am grateful 622 00:38:46,040 --> 00:38:49,120 Speaker 1: for in my life, the things that I'm envious of 623 00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:52,080 Speaker 1: myself for creating. You know that my past self would 624 00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:54,680 Speaker 1: be like, wow, that's so cool, and I can just 625 00:38:54,719 --> 00:38:57,160 Speaker 1: be really grateful and appreciate the moment that I'm in. 626 00:38:57,680 --> 00:38:59,719 Speaker 1: I think that's all I have for today, all my 627 00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:03,600 Speaker 1: on ego for this episode. I really hope that you 628 00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:06,760 Speaker 1: enjoyed it, that it provided a bit of clarity knowledge. 629 00:39:06,760 --> 00:39:09,800 Speaker 1: If this is something that you're struggling with, I promise 630 00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:11,680 Speaker 1: it's not something to feel shame towards. It is a 631 00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:16,359 Speaker 1: very natural, normal part of just being a human is 632 00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:20,680 Speaker 1: our ego fluctuating from time to time, trying to make 633 00:39:20,760 --> 00:39:23,400 Speaker 1: us feel better or compensate for things going on in 634 00:39:23,440 --> 00:39:26,799 Speaker 1: our life. So I really hope that this has been informative, 635 00:39:26,840 --> 00:39:29,839 Speaker 1: that it's taught you something about how to handle those 636 00:39:29,920 --> 00:39:33,440 Speaker 1: kind of ugly emotions every now and again. As always, 637 00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:36,239 Speaker 1: if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to leave 638 00:39:36,280 --> 00:39:40,239 Speaker 1: a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're 639 00:39:40,239 --> 00:39:43,680 Speaker 1: listening right now, Google podcasts. I don't know if that's 640 00:39:43,719 --> 00:39:46,120 Speaker 1: a thing. Maybe I should check that out and make 641 00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:49,160 Speaker 1: sure you're following or subscribed and sent it to a 642 00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:51,680 Speaker 1: friend if this is something that they need to hear. 643 00:39:52,239 --> 00:39:54,759 Speaker 1: We also have a Patreon, I say we. It is 644 00:39:54,800 --> 00:39:58,440 Speaker 1: actually just me doing this. I write all my own episodes, 645 00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:01,719 Speaker 1: I record them, produce them, release them, and it's a 646 00:40:01,760 --> 00:40:04,399 Speaker 1: lot of work. So I really appreciate when people show 647 00:40:04,440 --> 00:40:07,719 Speaker 1: their support and decide to kind of have a look 648 00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:10,640 Speaker 1: behind the scenes and access some of that bonus content 649 00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:13,440 Speaker 1: and also support me on the way. So there is 650 00:40:13,480 --> 00:40:16,000 Speaker 1: a link in this episode description if you want to 651 00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:19,760 Speaker 1: check it out. And finally, if you have a podcast suggestion, 652 00:40:20,280 --> 00:40:22,399 Speaker 1: maybe there's an episode that you want me to cover, 653 00:40:22,560 --> 00:40:25,319 Speaker 1: please feel free to reach out to me at that 654 00:40:25,440 --> 00:40:29,560 Speaker 1: psychology podcast. This episode was actually a suggestion from a listener, 655 00:40:29,880 --> 00:40:32,560 Speaker 1: and I'm really sorry I forgot your name, but I 656 00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:34,319 Speaker 1: think you know who you are. Thank you for a 657 00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:38,120 Speaker 1: wonderful suggestion. I really do like kind of crowdsourcing ideas 658 00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:40,839 Speaker 1: every now and again from what you guys are going 659 00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:43,799 Speaker 1: through the experiences of your twenties or just your life 660 00:40:43,880 --> 00:40:46,520 Speaker 1: as a human being. So follow us over there for 661 00:40:46,600 --> 00:40:49,680 Speaker 1: video content and just to kind of see what's coming out, 662 00:40:49,760 --> 00:40:52,680 Speaker 1: see what's happening. We will be back next week with 663 00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:54,920 Speaker 1: another episode, so thank you for listening.