Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Remember how last week the
Speaker 1: FBI took an eight hour vacations from orow logo and
Speaker 1: went home with a monch of souvenirs. Well, we all
Speaker 1: have the same question. What were they looking for at
Speaker 1: Donald Trump's house this weekend? We all found out this
Speaker 1: morning the newly unsealed search warrant shedding light on what
Speaker 1: exactly FBI agents were looking for at Mara Lago and
Speaker 1: what they seized. According to the documents made public by
Speaker 1: a federal judge, agents were searching for evidence of three
Speaker 1: potential crimes, violations of the Espionage Act, unlawful removal of
Speaker 1: public records, and obstruction of justice by concealing, altering, or
Speaker 1: destroying records to impede an investigation. They found twenty seven
Speaker 1: boxes of government records, including eleven sets of classified documents.
Speaker 1: Four sets of documents were marked top secret and one
Speaker 1: marked top secret s c I, a classification reserved for
Speaker 1: some of the most sensitive intelligence and national security information,
Speaker 1: typically only viewed in a highly secure location. Yeah, that's right,
Speaker 1: So Trump didn't just have top secret documents, they would
Speaker 1: top secret s c I. What does s c I
Speaker 1: stand for? You lost that's also top secret. You dumbassy.
Speaker 1: I'll be honest. I didn't even know you could have
Speaker 1: a level of secret above top. Did you know this? Yeah?
Speaker 1: How so I don't think it makes sense? Right, that's
Speaker 1: the point of top. If there's something above top, then
Speaker 1: top his middle. You know, Top is top. People like
Speaker 1: top gun. He's the best bite of pilot. If someone
Speaker 1: else come in and then they're like top a gun,
Speaker 1: I want my money back. That's not what I was
Speaker 1: promised not to mention. If something is top, but then
Speaker 1: we find out that there's something above that, then how
Speaker 1: do we know that that's not the final thing? Then
Speaker 1: there could be something above that? And then how do
Speaker 1: we know that there's not something about that because there's
Speaker 1: no top, Like top has to be the top. Then
Speaker 1: there's no end, and then spacetime is what infinite? And
Speaker 1: then do we even exist? Like? What what does this mean?
Speaker 1: Who are we? I'm having I'm having a panic attack
Speaker 1: right now. Stop the show. Stop that. So it turns
Speaker 1: out Donald Trump was in possession of top secret documents
Speaker 1: he wasn't supposed to have. And look, I'm not victim
Speaker 1: blaming here, but if you ask me, the government is
Speaker 1: partly too responsible, partly responsible for labeling the files top secrets. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because think about it, nobody wants to read boxes of
Speaker 1: government documents, right, but if it says top secret on it,
Speaker 1: now everyone's interested. It's the same way you don't label
Speaker 1: your pawn folder pawn, right. The government should do what
Speaker 1: we do, Just put secrets in the folder called taxes
Speaker 1: telve to twenties seventy. I've done that my whole life.
Speaker 1: The only screw up was I did this when I
Speaker 1: was twelve years old, and then my mother was like,
Speaker 1: what taxes are you paying when you're twelve? And then
Speaker 1: she busted me for pawn and tax evasion. Anyway, the
Speaker 1: point is, no matter what they labeled, Donald Trump wasn't
Speaker 1: supposed to have these documents at his house. And in
Speaker 1: case you're wondering why these documents are top top, top
Speaker 1: top secret, will hold onto your butts because what Trump
Speaker 1: took home could blow them right off. The Washington Post
Speaker 1: has reported that among the materials sought by federal agents
Speaker 1: was related to nuclear weapons programs. If you get into
Speaker 1: nuclear related documents, that is the highest level. It does
Speaker 1: not get any more serious than that. Some of this
Speaker 1: could be information about adversaries. Some of this could be
Speaker 1: about nuclear weapon design. Some of this could be about
Speaker 1: our nuclear arsenals or our launch procedures. Are you shooting me?
Speaker 1: Donald Trump might have kept the world's nuclear secrets in
Speaker 1: his basement at Moral Lago, the same place Rudy Giuliani
Speaker 1: sleeps so avoid the sunlight. That is so irresponsible, because
Speaker 1: you realize the worst case scenario with these documents is
Speaker 1: that Trump sold them to like Saudi Arabia. The best
Speaker 1: case scenario is that he just lay in bed with
Speaker 1: them and rubbed him all over his naked body. Actually
Speaker 1: not what I'm gonna flip. That worst case scenario is
Speaker 1: that he rubbed them naked on his body. Hopefully he
Speaker 1: just sold him to the SOUD. He's hopefully hopefully. Oh
Speaker 1: and by the way, just today, to add to this
Speaker 1: whole saga, Trump posted that in the raid by the
Speaker 1: FBI of Moral Lago, they stole my three passports, one
Speaker 1: inspired along with everything else. And I can see why
Speaker 1: Trump is pissed if they took his passports. I mean,
Speaker 1: he's the guy who wanted to build the wall and
Speaker 1: now he's gonna need to sneak into Mexico commas a bit.
Speaker 1: It's just also, also, why does Donald Trump even need
Speaker 1: a passport? There is no one on Earth that looks
Speaker 1: or sounds like this man, no one he could learn
Speaker 1: on a distant planet, and the aliens that would be
Speaker 1: we've seen TV welcome down. I'll drop It'll be like
Speaker 1: thank you, now, please chake me g a three boomed woman.
Speaker 1: And by the way, you do realize it's a chance
Speaker 1: Trump just misplaced his passport, right, It's possible. It happens
Speaker 1: all the time. You think the athlete I took something
Speaker 1: and you find in your soft draw. Yeah, like, for
Speaker 1: all you know, maybe Milania moved them. You know, I
Speaker 1: was like, oh no, I guess now I have to
Speaker 1: go back to Slovenia by myself, by Donald bye. You know,
Speaker 1: you know it's been the most fun. The most fun
Speaker 1: in all of this is how Trump and the Red
Speaker 1: Caps are working so hard to invent new excuses for
Speaker 1: why this crime wasn't a crime, Because you remember when
Speaker 1: when the story first broke, they were saying things like,
Speaker 1: there's nothing at Marilango except a bunch of notes from Eric,
Speaker 1: and if they did find something, the FBI must have
Speaker 1: planted it. Well, forget all that forget all of it.
Speaker 1: I was like two days ago. Right, They've got a
Speaker 1: fresh shipment of excuses today, starting with it was homework.
Speaker 1: The former president is offering a new line of defense
Speaker 1: for taking these documents to his marlogue at home. A
Speaker 1: statement released by Trump's office Friday night contends that everyone
Speaker 1: takes work home sometimes. Yeah. No, now you know what,
Speaker 1: that's true. Everyone does take work home sometimes, but not
Speaker 1: Donald Trump. But man Bailey took work to work. And also,
Speaker 1: by the way, it's not taking work home with you
Speaker 1: if you no longer have the job, all right, can
Speaker 1: we agree on that? All right, you don't have the job,
Speaker 1: you can't take you work home with you, Like if
Speaker 1: you get fired from your babysitting job, but you still
Speaker 1: go pick up the kid from school. That's just kidnapping.
Speaker 1: But if you don't like that excuse, that's fine, that's fine.
Speaker 1: Trump's got another one, like how about Obama. President Trump
Speaker 1: has been making a baseless and false claim that former
Speaker 1: President Obama took more than thirty million classified documents when
Speaker 1: he left the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that President BARAQ,
Speaker 1: who's saying Obama kept thirty three million pages of documents?
Speaker 1: Much of them classified, how many of them pertained to
Speaker 1: nuclear word is lots? All right, Okay, first of all,
Speaker 1: this is just completely made up. In fact, the National
Speaker 1: Archives came out and said it is not true. But
Speaker 1: also for the sake of the argument, let's say it
Speaker 1: was true. These people are the same people who have
Speaker 1: spent fifteen years saying Obama is basically the devil. But
Speaker 1: then when they get into trouble, they're like, it's fine,
Speaker 1: we just did the same thing as the devil. And also,
Speaker 1: did you pick up that Barack who's saying Obama has
Speaker 1: a nice little touch, Yeah, just to remind the people
Speaker 1: who he really is. I know what Trump is doing.
Speaker 1: He's trying to drum up old Islamophobia. But everybody knows
Speaker 1: that that's Barack's middle name. It doesn't a hound nefarious anymore. No,
Speaker 1: it just sounds like you're his mom. But Rock who's saying, oh, Bama,
Speaker 1: you get down here and clean up this mass right now,
Speaker 1: come to mom. But but if you don't like that, excuse,
Speaker 1: it's cool, baby, It's cool. Trump's got another one for you.
Speaker 1: It's about how he declassified these documents in his mind.
Speaker 1: And a new defense emerged overnight. From a conservative journalist
Speaker 1: tied to Trump, who read a statement from the former
Speaker 1: president's office. He had a standing order that documents removed
Speaker 1: from the Oval office and taken to the residents were
Speaker 1: deemed to be declassified the moment he removed them. Oh
Speaker 1: that's an interesting excuse. Anything Trump took home with him
Speaker 1: was automatically declassified because he had a standing order. It's
Speaker 1: also super convenient that no one has ever heard about
Speaker 1: this rule until he got busted for having top secret
Speaker 1: documents at his house or whatever. I've actually heard the
Speaker 1: defense before. Usually it's when people get busted for having
Speaker 1: an affair. You know, they'll be like, no, actually, I
Speaker 1: didn't cheat on you. I had already broken up with
Speaker 1: you in my mind on the way to the house,
Speaker 1: and then on the way home, I decided to give
Speaker 1: us another chance. Come here, baby, I forgive you. I
Speaker 1: forgive you. I forgive you. So there you have it,
Speaker 1: three brand new fresh excuses. What Oh that's not enough
Speaker 1: for you. Oh you're particular. Okay, see, then maybe what
Speaker 1: you need is a little bit of this. And we
Speaker 1: see as a piece out quoting sources that say the
Speaker 1: chaotic nature of Donald Trump's exit from the White House
Speaker 1: contributed to sensitive documents being taken tomorrow lago, and there
Speaker 1: were reports that Trump packed in a rush. Quote when
Speaker 1: it finally dawn on Donald Trump and the twilight of
Speaker 1: his presidency that he wouldn't be living at the White
Speaker 1: House for another four years, he had a problem. He
Speaker 1: had barely packed and had to move out quickly. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, this is the greatest excuse of all time.
Speaker 1: Trump's people are saying because he didn't think he was
Speaker 1: leaving the White House, he packed in a hurry when
Speaker 1: he left. Yeah. Yeah, he was so busy planning the
Speaker 1: coup he didn't even think about packing. Is that what happened.
Speaker 1: It's like, guys, I wasn't trying to steal these documents.
Speaker 1: I was trying to steal the in that shed. Why
Speaker 1: would I pack when I thought I have another channel
Speaker 1: twenty years in the White House? It makes no sense. Hello.
Speaker 1: Scotland has just become the first country in the world
Speaker 1: to make tampons and pads free to anyone who leaves them. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's amazing. Period products will now be given away in
Speaker 1: pharmacies and other public buildings. Not to mention, there are
Speaker 1: sheep everywhere in Scotland and those are pretty much just
Speaker 1: walking tampons, so this is working out. Meanwhile, America will
Speaker 1: continue its policy, which is that women are welcome to
Speaker 1: steal old extra napkins and stock bucks that they need.
Speaker 1: Moving on to some other international news, uh, Australia has
Speaker 1: learned that its former prime minister had secretly appointed himself
Speaker 1: to five other government positions without telling anyone. This is
Speaker 1: such a strange story. Yeah, because because it's one of
Speaker 1: those scandals that's like, is this a scandal? Not because
Speaker 1: I'm outraged, but I'm also kind of impressed apologism chose
Speaker 1: to do extra work and not tell anyone, How dare you?
Speaker 1: And also I'm voting for you again? But for real though,
Speaker 1: that's not how government works, all right. Just give yourself
Speaker 1: a job. You have to earn it by having your
Speaker 1: dad give you the job. Come on his politics here
Speaker 1: in sports news. In sports news, the NBA has announced that,
Speaker 1: for the first time ever, they will not be playing
Speaker 1: any games on election day and instead will encourage their
Speaker 1: fans to go and vote. Yeah. I think that's really good.
Speaker 1: I will say they're not not to sound cynical, but
Speaker 1: if the Timberwolves game is what was keeping you from voting. Maybe, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think since there's no games on that night, the
Speaker 1: ESPN commentators they should cover voting like they cover the NBA.
Speaker 1: Don't just make it super INTERESTINGNA be like Jeremy Wilkins
Speaker 1: coming up to the voting boot. Now it's his first
Speaker 1: season voting, he's really Oh no, he called outside the bubble.
Speaker 1: That's gonna that's not gonna scare the raps are not
Speaker 1: gonna like it at all. But should a replay on
Speaker 1: that one? John? So, this is a big NBA. And
Speaker 1: they told all the teams, they said, hey, all the
Speaker 1: teams in the NBA, you will not be playing basketball
Speaker 1: on Election Day. And the Knicks were like, oh, no,
Speaker 1: no problem. We don't play basketball every day. That's just
Speaker 1: what we what we do. Oh here's some weird celebrity news.
Speaker 1: Snoop Dogg is launching a breakfast cereal for kids called
Speaker 1: Snoop Loops. Yeah, and you know the cereal is gonna
Speaker 1: be delicious, Yeah, because no one knows good cereal like
Speaker 1: someone who's permanently high. No one. Oh, so it's about
Speaker 1: time we got a chill Cereal mascot. You know, I
Speaker 1: like this. Every every Cereal mascot is high energy. They're
Speaker 1: like coked out. Now we have one who does not
Speaker 1: give a damn whether or not we eat his cereal.
Speaker 1: You know, it's just like try it today or don't.
Speaker 1: I get paid either way. Bag. By the way, do
Speaker 1: you ever do you ever think about how Snoop has
Speaker 1: had one of the most amazing careers of all time,
Speaker 1: Like this is fantastic, but you have to admit he's
Speaker 1: really screwed over all the people who started loving him
Speaker 1: for his rap. You know, I'm glad he's had such
Speaker 1: a broad career, but you realize they are now parents
Speaker 1: who are telling their kids are like my favorite gangster rappers,
Speaker 1: Snoop Dogg, and their kids are like the serial guy
Speaker 1: Martha Stewart's friend. I thought you were cool, dad. Anyway,
Speaker 1: let's move on to the big story of the day,
Speaker 1: and it's about climate change. The reason why hot in
Speaker 1: here is now considered a scientific study. Yes, all over
Speaker 1: the world, governments are steadily taking action to reduce their
Speaker 1: combon emissions. In fact, just today, President Biden signed the
Speaker 1: biggest climate change law in American history. It's it's not everything.
Speaker 1: It subsidizes electric cause it funds wind and solar energy
Speaker 1: and it changes the name of summer to extra spring.
Speaker 1: Hopefully mother nature falls for that one. And the reason
Speaker 1: leaders worldwide have taken these steps is because every day
Speaker 1: we're seeing what the world could look like if climate
Speaker 1: change gets out of hand. I mean, just look at
Speaker 1: what's happening in Vegas. You know, Las Vegas, the city
Speaker 1: surrounded by deserts that are folded with buried mobsters that place,
Speaker 1: well some of those bodies, Oh, they're about to come
Speaker 1: floating back to life. Las Vegas is getting pounded with
Speaker 1: historic flooding in the wettest monsoon season they've seen in
Speaker 1: a decade. It's hard to tell this is the famous
Speaker 1: Las Vegas Strip, but that's Caesar's Palace right there, and
Speaker 1: that is the mirage. It's raining inside Planet Hollywood, pouring
Speaker 1: through the casine, no light fixtures, right underneath the high
Speaker 1: roller ferris wheel. The Las Vegas Strip has been swept
Speaker 1: by flash flooding. This rain coming down so fast, so heavy.
Speaker 1: This is video from Las Vegas in a parking garage.
Speaker 1: It's a downpour right onto the gambling tables. You can
Speaker 1: see that car struggling to get through the water on
Speaker 1: a street. Yes, that is a man floating down the
Speaker 1: Vegas Strip because of the flash flood waters. That guy's
Speaker 1: a legend. He's just like, yeah, how you see that
Speaker 1: Las Vegas, of all places, is getting flooded. And you
Speaker 1: know who I blame for this? All the bachelor parties
Speaker 1: going to those strip clubs being like making rain. Look
Speaker 1: at what you did. I hope you're happy and rain
Speaker 1: rain too much. And if there's one thing we can
Speaker 1: all agree on, people, it's that we don't want casinos
Speaker 1: to flood alright, because can you imagine how hard it's
Speaker 1: going to be to evacuum? Wait those gamblers, Ah, the
Speaker 1: water level is rising. Yeah, we're gonna be drowned any minute,
Speaker 1: which is just enough time for a couple of more rolls.
Speaker 1: Come on, baby, Come on, Daddy could use someone floaties.
Speaker 1: Come on. So, yes, Las Vegas has been a wetter
Speaker 1: than a butt crack at soul cycle. But it's not
Speaker 1: just Vegas. We've seen historic floods recently in St. Louis
Speaker 1: and Yellowstone in Kentucky. And this is the thing to
Speaker 1: remember about climate change. It's not just gonna make everything
Speaker 1: a little bit hotter, all right, It's gonna make all
Speaker 1: weather more extreme. The hot will get hotter, the wet
Speaker 1: will get wetter, the wind will get window, the wet
Speaker 1: will like swap places with the dry. Yeah, and then
Speaker 1: you you're gonna think that you're talking too hot. But
Speaker 1: then the heart will pull up its moss, gonna be like,
Speaker 1: I'm cold, and you'd be like, but we slept together.
Speaker 1: It's basically science. Are you're wondering, You're like, it's a
Speaker 1: bit of flooding. Is it that bad? Well over in
Speaker 1: californ Only things could get even worse than you think.
Speaker 1: Now to the new warning on climate change, experts say
Speaker 1: it's only a matter of time before a megaflood hits California,
Speaker 1: displacing millions of people. A new study shows that climate
Speaker 1: change is increasing the likelihood of a cataclysmic flood hitting
Speaker 1: in the next fifty years. The flood could turn California's
Speaker 1: lowlands into an inland sea, putting parts of cities such
Speaker 1: as Sacramento, Fresno, and Los Angeles underwater. It happened Sacramento
Speaker 1: in eighteen sixty one. This is incredible and I really
Speaker 1: didn't know much about this. Only five hundred thousand people
Speaker 1: lived in the Central Valley. Today it's thirty seven million
Speaker 1: thirty feet of water in all of Central Valley for weeks,
Speaker 1: arraigned for forty three days, the equivalent of a trillion
Speaker 1: dollars in today's damage. They say the next one would
Speaker 1: probably be like a katrine at times five. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: Katrina times five. I was like fifth, you carry the
Speaker 1: k Then the point is it's bad and we can't
Speaker 1: lose Los Angeles, and that's where America keeps all these
Speaker 1: hot people. You know, also no offense. But if I'm
Speaker 1: caught in a mega flood the last place and lost
Speaker 1: people I want to be around. There is a bunch
Speaker 1: of l A actors. Can you imagine them? It's gonna
Speaker 1: be like, the flood is wiping away Los Angeles. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna try it again, but a little more introspective.
Speaker 1: The flood is wiping away Los Angeles, and I never
Speaker 1: knew my father. Now, if you're thinking, who cares if
Speaker 1: America is underwater, I'll just escape to Europe, well be
Speaker 1: my guest, because you're gonna miss the wet when you
Speaker 1: get there. In the midst of a historic drought, Europes
Speaker 1: rivers are running dry. In Germany, the rhinos dropped so
Speaker 1: low some cargo ships can no longer use it, with
Speaker 1: devastating effects for Germany's economy. In France, some parts of
Speaker 1: the Lower can now be crossed on foot, and then
Speaker 1: the Czech Republic, low water levels have revealed so called
Speaker 1: hunger stones, rocks carved centuries ago to give future generations
Speaker 1: a warning of impending famine. One such stone carried a
Speaker 1: chilling message from the early sixteen hundreds, if you can
Speaker 1: see me weep. Yeah, yeah, you hear that. Right now,
Speaker 1: Europe's drought is so bad that you can walk across
Speaker 1: some rivers, which isn't just bad for the economy and
Speaker 1: the environment. It also puts people like Moses out of
Speaker 1: a job. Be like, no, I won't part the waters
Speaker 1: that ye man? Yeah whatever man? Climate change did this wise,
Speaker 1: and I get out of the way. I also don't
Speaker 1: know about you, but that hunger ston't shriek me out.
Speaker 1: If you see me weep, that's dramatic. I didn't even
Speaker 1: know they had emo in the sixteen hundreds. At the
Speaker 1: same time, though, you you've got to wonder about the
Speaker 1: person who decided to make these stones, because think about
Speaker 1: the whole population was starving, right, You've got one guys,
Speaker 1: like I'll venture out to find more food, and other
Speaker 1: guys like I will Russian our current stars. And there's
Speaker 1: one dude who's like, give me a hammer and a chisel.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna write a warning to people five years from now. Yeah,
Speaker 1: there's gonna be a good one. When they see when
Speaker 1: the water goes down, they're gonna freak out. Hold on,
Speaker 1: hold on. And by the way, not all of those
Speaker 1: hunger stones of that poetic Yeah, that one's really like
Speaker 1: cryptic has a vibe. Some of those hunger hunger stones,
Speaker 1: they just tell you direct, Oh, ship, you got the
Speaker 1: screw you see my face? That means you're gonna die.
Speaker 1: Don't get your offensing on everybody. You're gonna die, and
Speaker 1: you're gonna die and you're gonna die. Oh you already
Speaker 1: looked dead, brother, you're already ha ha. By the way,
Speaker 1: if somebody sees stone Head, you tell him he's ship.
Speaker 1: That dude does me twenty bucks bullshit stone A y'all dad.
Speaker 1: The f A has ruled that hearing aids can now
Speaker 1: be sold over the counter without a prescription, making them
Speaker 1: easier and cheaper for people to get. That's amazing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and you know it's crazy. It's crazy that you ever
Speaker 1: needed a prescription for a hearing aid. Why. It's not
Speaker 1: like you can abuse them. It's not like the drug
Speaker 1: dealers on the street going yo yo, you want someone
Speaker 1: an extra loud yo yo. Meanwhile, in travel news, American
Speaker 1: Airlines has announced that they will be buying twenty supersonic
Speaker 1: jets that will be able to get passengers to their
Speaker 1: destination twice as fast as current airplanes. Yeah, wild, that's great.
Speaker 1: It also means the annoying guy who's sitting next year
Speaker 1: on the plane is gonna have to talk twice as fast.
Speaker 1: Now it's gonna be like, so, yeah, you fly off
Speaker 1: and you're going on vacations is the work thing. I
Speaker 1: just had to check it bag. You're checking the back
Speaker 1: where you from the first time. The plane seeing the
Speaker 1: rock and Roll of fame is gonna be going and
Speaker 1: we're here. Also, in I'm gonna call it culinary news,
Speaker 1: Papa John's has I'm veiled a new menu item called
Speaker 1: Papa Bowls, which are bowls full of pizza toppings without
Speaker 1: the crust. And I just want to say, congratulations, America,
Speaker 1: you did it. You finally found the opposite of a salad. Well, done. Congratulations,
Speaker 1: But let's move on to some of the biggest stories
Speaker 1: of the day, starting with the mid terms. Last nights,
Speaker 1: the primary that everyone was watching was in Wyoming, the
Speaker 1: state with the population almost as big as a New
Speaker 1: York subway car. Now, the reason everyone was watching this
Speaker 1: race is because Liz Cheney was running for reelection. And
Speaker 1: of course, Liz Cheney has been the most prominent antique
Speaker 1: Trump Republican in Congress. She voted to impeach him, She's
Speaker 1: led the committee investigating him. Basically, she just will not
Speaker 1: stop talking about that one time he tried to overthrow
Speaker 1: the American democracy. That was like like a million years ago. Lady,
Speaker 1: move on. So anyway, Black Life's primary was the charts
Speaker 1: for Wyoming Republicans to declare whether they stood with Liz
Speaker 1: Cheney or with Donald Trump, and they answered bigly overnight
Speaker 1: out of Wyoming, a clear message from that state about
Speaker 1: the direction of the Republican Party. Congresswoman Liz Cheney, who
Speaker 1: was reelected easily less than two years ago, lost badly
Speaker 1: last night in her primary fight against her Trump back challenger,
Speaker 1: Harriet Hageman. Chaney's landslide loss was no surprise. She knew
Speaker 1: she'd pay a price for voting to impeach Donald Trump
Speaker 1: and then serving as the vice chair of the January
Speaker 1: six Committee. Overnight, the former president writing, Liz Cheney should
Speaker 1: be ashamed of herself. Now she can finally disappear into
Speaker 1: the depths of political oblivion. Okay, okay. First of all,
Speaker 1: there's no way that Trump wrote that disappear into the
Speaker 1: depths of political oblivion. Really, there's the same guy who
Speaker 1: said I don't like saying yes. It age a hard
Speaker 1: word for me. Yes yesterday. Really, really, that's not him.
Speaker 1: You know, if I was to bet, he probably has
Speaker 1: some guy who just fancies up his words for him.
Speaker 1: You know, he's like, I want to say something like
Speaker 1: Liz Chaney go bye by Now It's like, okay, how
Speaker 1: about disappear into the depths of political oblivion. He's like
Speaker 1: that one is goodly, maybe the best dress. I like it. Hello,
Speaker 1: say what you want, Say what you want about this Chaney.
Speaker 1: But you have to respect how she stood up against Trump,
Speaker 1: even when she knew she was gonna get blown out
Speaker 1: of her seat. And yes, it is saying something about
Speaker 1: the state of the GOP that the brave stance was,
Speaker 1: don't hang the Vice president. But still she stood by it.
Speaker 1: And this Chaney isn't the only Republican who fell on
Speaker 1: her sword. Remember there were only ten Republicans in the
Speaker 1: House who voted to impeach Donald Trump. Out of those ten,
Speaker 1: four lost their primaries to a Trump challenger, and four
Speaker 1: retired so that they wouldn't lose to a Trump challenger.
Speaker 1: Because right now, any Republican who opposes Trump, he'll flush
Speaker 1: the asses away like one of those top secret documents.
Speaker 1: He doesn't play games. But the list Cheney story isn't
Speaker 1: over yet, because she's vowed that she will still do
Speaker 1: anything to stop Trump from becoming presidents again, even possibly
Speaker 1: running against him in the Republican primary. Yeah, and look,
Speaker 1: I mean we must admit it probably is a long shot.
Speaker 1: But don't forget she is a Chaine. If there's one
Speaker 1: thing they're committed to, its regime change. And and to
Speaker 1: be honest, if she wants to stop Trump, she doesn't
Speaker 1: have to beat him in a presidential race. You know,
Speaker 1: just put a bunch of Reese's pieces in the line
Speaker 1: of a cliff. You know, he'd be like, and this
Speaker 1: wine and this wine and this one. So let's move
Speaker 1: on from Donald Trump. To another plague. America can't get
Speaker 1: rid of the coronavirus pandemic. Last week, the CDC announced
Speaker 1: the quote COVID nineteen is here to stay, Yes, which
Speaker 1: sounds less like a public health announcement and more like
Speaker 1: something your mom says about your new stepdad. I love Jerry,
Speaker 1: so whether you like it or not, he's a new
Speaker 1: man of this house. Okay, Look, Jerry, don't eat that.
Speaker 1: That's cat food, Honey. Come on now. Because of this,
Speaker 1: and because fewer people are dying or being hospitalized from
Speaker 1: the disease, the US is dropping some of the big
Speaker 1: restrictions that we've all gotten used to over the last
Speaker 1: two years. Al Right, So no more quarantining if you've
Speaker 1: been exposed to the virus, no more testing at schools,
Speaker 1: no more six ft apart social distancing, and we can
Speaker 1: go back to washing our hands. Just off the number
Speaker 1: two's yeah. So basically, the new CDC guidance is just
Speaker 1: looking at what everyone was already doing and just going like, yeah,
Speaker 1: you just do that. We don't care anymore. We don't care.
Speaker 1: But if the US has decided to live with COVID,
Speaker 1: the situation is very different in China because they're still
Speaker 1: doing lockdowns at drop of the hats, and it is
Speaker 1: not always going over very well. Chaos and panic at
Speaker 1: an Ikea in Shanghai, China. This is video from an
Speaker 1: Ikea store on Saturday, after it was announced the store
Speaker 1: was going into lockdown. A customer had tested positive, so
Speaker 1: workers tried to put the entire building on quarantine. Customers
Speaker 1: rushed for the exit to try and leave before the
Speaker 1: doors closed. Those who could not get out were taken
Speaker 1: to a quarantine hotel for several days. China has the
Speaker 1: strictest COVID rules in the world. They've locked down entire
Speaker 1: cities over just a few positive cases. God damn, did
Speaker 1: you see that? Look like a reverse Black Friday? And
Speaker 1: I don't blame those people, Like no, No one should
Speaker 1: have to spend one minute longer than necessary in an Ikea. Okay,
Speaker 1: can you imagine finally finding the exit just as the
Speaker 1: doors closed. You're like, no, I just wanted to buy
Speaker 1: the Shmars Laud And that ready shows you the different
Speaker 1: approach just countries can take to the pandemic, Because China
Speaker 1: has shown that you can basically prevent all COVID deaths,
Speaker 1: but every now and then you might get locked into
Speaker 1: an Ikea for a week with no warning, and then
Speaker 1: America is looking at that like, Okay, how bad is
Speaker 1: death really? I mean, although, honestly, if you have to
Speaker 1: quarantine for a week, isn't like here the best place
Speaker 1: to be. I mean, they've got fully done bedrooms, living rooms, bathrooms. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they say you can't poop in the toilets, but you can,
Speaker 1: you know I have. Anyway, let's talk about jobs, how
Speaker 1: we trade time for money, like, which is almost everyone
Speaker 1: has to work. But let's be honest, there's working and
Speaker 1: then there's working. All right, as more and more people
Speaker 1: are discovering, we begin with young workers refusing to go
Speaker 1: the extra mile. They're embracing a trend they're calling quiet quitting.
Speaker 1: They stay on the job, they continue to get paid,
Speaker 1: but they're only willing to do the bare minimum. So
Speaker 1: you look at these videos on TikTok and YouTube with
Speaker 1: people who are celebrating their lack of enthusiasm for their job.
Speaker 1: They're just going to mail it in. They're just gonna
Speaker 1: do exactly what they're supposed to do and not go
Speaker 1: above and beyond the descriptions of the job. Some of
Speaker 1: these videos are people who are like literally turning off
Speaker 1: the phone at five pm, the work phone at five pm,
Speaker 1: not answering email after five pm, not doing anything above
Speaker 1: and beyond the nine to five of the job, and
Speaker 1: saying that's good because I don't need to work for
Speaker 1: the man, you know, and not have any kind of
Speaker 1: balance in my own life. Yeah, that's right. People are
Speaker 1: quiet quitting that they're just going to their jobs and
Speaker 1: then just doing the job from from nine to five,
Speaker 1: and then and then and then, hold up, that's just working.
Speaker 1: That's work your life, that's work. You don't have to
Speaker 1: do the mole, it's worked. People in this country are
Speaker 1: so obsessed with work. Guys. Your job is just the
Speaker 1: place you go to avoid seeing your family, all right.
Speaker 1: It doesn't need to be the most important and part
Speaker 1: of your existence. If your job is from nine to five,
Speaker 1: that means that the work messages should stop at five. Two. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's right. Any message you get off the five is
Speaker 1: basically a booty core. If your boss texts you at
Speaker 1: Liken to see if you file an expense report, it
Speaker 1: should start with hey, you up. Bottom line, you need
Speaker 1: to establish your work life balance. So remember, if you
Speaker 1: hate your job, make sure you also hate your life. Right, No,
Speaker 1: that doesn't work. But if but if you're thinking of
Speaker 1: quiet quitting, please keep in mind that clocking out for
Speaker 1: the day at five on the dots might be okay
Speaker 1: for office work, but it's not something you can do
Speaker 1: for every job. All right, buddy, all right, don't do
Speaker 1: anything drastic. Okay, we're gonna work this out. We're gonna
Speaker 1: work this out together, you and me, just as long
Speaker 1: as you left the hostage and hi, oh Matt, all right,
Speaker 1: listen you guys, you guys stay, you guys gonna stick around.
Speaker 1: If you have to back you on Monday, well, we'll
Speaker 1: pick it up at nine am. A man, that's great.
Speaker 1: What we do it? We've got to bar god. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Let's kick things off with the Census for Disease Control,
Speaker 1: the government agency that spent the first two years of
Speaker 1: the pandemic saying we're all gonna get COVID and the
Speaker 1: last six months like, ah, we're all gonna get COVID. Chill.
Speaker 1: And if you one of those people who thinks the
Speaker 1: CDC has handled the pandemic badly, well it turns out
Speaker 1: the CDC agrees with you. This morning, the CDC director
Speaker 1: promising a major overhaul after a scathing internally initiated review
Speaker 1: found the agency repeatedly botched its response to the pandemic.
Speaker 1: In a statement, Dr Rochelle will Lensky putting it bluntly,
Speaker 1: our performance did not reliably meet expectations. Well Lensky herself
Speaker 1: calling for that review. It found the CDC's recommendations throughout
Speaker 1: the christ is, from masking to vaccines, confusing and overwhelming. Oh,
Speaker 1: I guess the CDC finally checked their Twitter mansions. But
Speaker 1: she's right. The CDC rarely dropped the ball. People depended
Speaker 1: on them for clear advice, and when they didn't get it,
Speaker 1: they started looking elsewhere for answers. I mean, say what
Speaker 1: you want about goop. Their advice was consistent. I mean, yes,
Speaker 1: the advice was to buy a four thousand dollar crystal
Speaker 1: butt plug, but it was consistent. Meanwhile, the CDC was
Speaker 1: all over the place. They said, don't wear masks, but
Speaker 1: they said no, do wear masks, but don't because we
Speaker 1: need them. Okay, now you can wear a mask, any mask,
Speaker 1: even cloth. White cloth is the worst. What are you doing? Now?
Speaker 1: You've got COVID standside for five days, no ten days,
Speaker 1: no two days. The point is trust the science Now,
Speaker 1: if we had more time, we could talk about whether
Speaker 1: or not the CDC learned the right lessons from COVID
Speaker 1: to prevent the next outbreak. Well, not the next outbreak,
Speaker 1: because the next outbreak is monkey pocks and they're already
Speaker 1: missing that up, but the one after that. But we
Speaker 1: would don't have the time for that, because while the
Speaker 1: CDC is struggling with multiple outbreaks, the Trump organization is
Speaker 1: overrun with an outbreak of crime. Now to breaking news,
Speaker 1: Alan Weislberg, the Trump organization chief financial officer, pleaded guilty
Speaker 1: today to a wide ranging tax scheme. As part of
Speaker 1: the deal, he'll need to testify against the Trump organization
Speaker 1: in the coming months. The company is accused of helping
Speaker 1: Wiseelberg and other exacts avoid income taxes by failing to
Speaker 1: accurately report their full compensation. Yeah, that's right, Trump's number
Speaker 1: two guy for the last forty years has pled guilty
Speaker 1: to tax fraud. And can we just take a moment
Speaker 1: to appreciate how many people associated with Donald Trump have
Speaker 1: ended up in prison? Huh? His lawyer, his campaign manager,
Speaker 1: his deputy campaign chairman, now the chief financial officer of
Speaker 1: his organization. Usually, you've got to run a drug cartel
Speaker 1: to have this many friends doing hard time because at
Speaker 1: this point is basically al Chapel and Donald Trump. That's it.
Speaker 1: You don't actually needs to do. Then you just send
Speaker 1: all these Trump felons to school assemblies to scare kids
Speaker 1: away from Trump. To be like, hanging out with the
Speaker 1: president is cool. That's what I've thought. Now I'm drinking
Speaker 1: whine out of a toilet. That's my stand of the Union.
Speaker 1: Can Now, now I know what you're thinking right now,
Speaker 1: you're wondering to yourself. Surely, if Trump's second in command
Speaker 1: was committing financial crimes with Trump's company, then Trump must
Speaker 1: also be involved in these crimes. Well, actually no, because
Speaker 1: apparently the story is that he had no idea what
Speaker 1: was happening in his organization at all levels for decades.
Speaker 1: He had no clue, And that, my friends, is the
Speaker 1: kind of leadership that makes him fit to be the
Speaker 1: next president of the United States. Truly powerful, no cue
Speaker 1: at all. No. Look, if we had more time, we
Speaker 1: could talk about how Trump pretends to be the candidates
Speaker 1: of law and order. Meanwhile his friends can fill up
Speaker 1: an entire prison wing. But we just don't have the
Speaker 1: time for that, because while Trump World is at war
Speaker 1: with the law. Some of music's biggest legends are at
Speaker 1: war over Christmas. Mariah Carey does not want a lot
Speaker 1: for Christmas. There's just one thing, she says. She needs
Speaker 1: a trademark for the title Queen of Christmas. Now, Carrie
Speaker 1: is seeking to solidify her brand with a legal filing
Speaker 1: that would give her exclusive rights to use the title
Speaker 1: on everything from clothes to alcohol, dog products, and more.
Speaker 1: But not everyone agrees she deserves it. Singer Darlene Love
Speaker 1: fighting back, the songstress known for her head Christmas Baby,
Speaker 1: Please Come Home, which you performed annually on The David
Speaker 1: Letterman Show as a holiday tradition, telling ABC News in
Speaker 1: a statement, I adore Mariah Carey as an artist and songwriter.
Speaker 1: The Queen of Christmas should not be exclusive to anyone
Speaker 1: except for Mary, Mother of Jesus. The real Queen of
Speaker 1: Christmas is Mary, Mother of Jesus. She should get the
Speaker 1: trademarks to sell alcohol and dog toys. It's about times.
Speaker 1: That's about time Mary got some of the financial benefit.
Speaker 1: The only thing she got out of this whole thing
Speaker 1: were gifts from those three wise men. One of those
Speaker 1: was mur What the hell is that all about? Oh?
Speaker 1: I just gave birth in a barn. But yeah, thanks
Speaker 1: to the murr. Real helpful. Yeah, when I was in
Speaker 1: labor with the Son of God, the whole time I
Speaker 1: was thinking, Oh, I could really use some murr right
Speaker 1: about now, an idiot, get out of here, old guy,
Speaker 1: you can stay, stay with the gold. And by the way,
Speaker 1: by the way, I thought, Mariah told us that all
Speaker 1: she wants for Christmas is me, But now she also
Speaker 1: wants trademarks, which isn't Mariah. Next she's gonna tell me
Speaker 1: that I won't always be your baby due the dude down. No, no,
Speaker 1: we had more time. We could talk about whether anyone
Speaker 1: should have the right to trademark anything about Christmas, or
Speaker 1: we could talk about how the commercialization of Christmas has
Speaker 1: taken us away from the true meaning of the holiday,
Speaker 1: which is giving a jolly old man diabetes. But we
Speaker 1: just don't have the time for that because over in Russia,
Speaker 1: Vladimir Putin, the exact opposite of Santa, is handing out
Speaker 1: gifts of his own. Russia's population has been rapidly declining
Speaker 1: thanks to little birth rates and an exodus of citizens
Speaker 1: since the invasion of Ukraine, and now Vladimin Putin is
Speaker 1: taking action. This week, he announced the revival of the
Speaker 1: Soviet era Mother Heroin Award. Any Russian woman who gives
Speaker 1: birth to ten children will be given a one time
Speaker 1: payment of one million rubles or sixteen thousand, five hundred dollars. Wow,
Speaker 1: sixteen thousand dollars, and all you have to do is
Speaker 1: have four million dollars worth of kids. It's a still
Speaker 1: Look at you, lad Wow, do you hear that? Russian ladies?
Speaker 1: You get sixteen grand for ten kids? Vladimir Putin making
Speaker 1: it drizzle. This makes no sense. Sixteen thousand dollars for
Speaker 1: ten kids makes zero sense unless that money is for
Speaker 1: you to buy a plane ticket to escape to a
Speaker 1: life without all those damn children. And I know right
Speaker 1: now you're probably thinking, but Trevor, it's Russia. They can
Speaker 1: store the ten kids inside each other. That's not how
Speaker 1: kids walk, your idiot. Can you imagine being the tenth kid?
Speaker 1: You're gonna spend your whole life wondering if your parents
Speaker 1: really wanted you, if they just wanted a smart fridge. Listen, Putin,
Speaker 1: you don't need to go to these lengths. There's an
Speaker 1: easier way to repopulate your country all right, just give
Speaker 1: Nick Cannon. Citizenship problem solved, Spasiva. Now, if we have
Speaker 1: the time, we could talk about whether it's even a
Speaker 1: good idea to stuff more people into a planet that's
Speaker 1: already more crowded than the Porter party at Coachella. But
Speaker 1: we just don't have the time because while Russia's leader
Speaker 1: is trying to pump up his population, Finland's leader is
Speaker 1: getting in trouble for trying to pump up the jam.
Speaker 1: The Prime Minister of Finland's son Amara And has faith
Speaker 1: backlash after a Laite video showed her partying. She's faith
Speaker 1: criticism from opposition parties, with one leader demanding she take
Speaker 1: a drugs test. Miss Marin denied taking drugs and said
Speaker 1: she only drank alcohol. Okay, okay, I know that clip
Speaker 1: is extremely confusing for Americans, so let me try and explain.
Speaker 1: Some countries have leaders who don't have osteoporosis. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: and and they party, you see. And I know it
Speaker 1: may seem different or weird, but we should be respectful
Speaker 1: of their cultures. That's for the story itself. I don't
Speaker 1: think the leader of Finland did anything that any other
Speaker 1: leader in the world hasn't done, all right, almost every
Speaker 1: other leader in the world drinks and parties. The only
Speaker 1: difference is they're not young enough to have friends who
Speaker 1: know how to use a phone. All right, have you
Speaker 1: seen old people when they try and use the camera.
Speaker 1: They always look like they've discovered an ancient artifact and
Speaker 1: they're trying to decipher what the hieroglyps mean. They're just like, okay,
Speaker 1: what's Oh wait, wait, your friend you Burr sent you
Speaker 1: a message. Yeah, Because you realize this is just the beginning.
Speaker 1: Younger generations use technology, they're gonna get older, and one
Speaker 1: day they're gonna come into power. So it's only a
Speaker 1: matter of time before we're in a world where like
Speaker 1: a world war starts because some some leader d m
Speaker 1: to dick pick. You know, I'm just gonna be like,
Speaker 1: what sent Pins prepares that troops if you ask me,
Speaker 1: If you ask me, Finland should be grateful. Finland should
Speaker 1: be grateful for the scandals that they have. Imagine them
Speaker 1: telling other countries about their problems. America, you won't believe it.
Speaker 1: Our prime minister was caught dancing. It's terrible. Recons Like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I gotta go. We're about to read the former president's
Speaker 1: hotel to get back out nuclear CODs. But good luck
Speaker 1: with that. Good luck with that. We gotta go. We
Speaker 1: gotta go now. If we had more time, we could
Speaker 1: talk more about how the criticism of Santa Marin really
Speaker 1: just seems to be. How dare you spend your leisure
Speaker 1: time doing something young women enjoy rather than doing things
Speaker 1: older men enjoy, like hunting or smoking cigars or watching
Speaker 1: TV with one hand in your pants for some reason,
Speaker 1: you know, dignified things, but ain't nobody got time for them.
Speaker 1: I want to tell you all about a brand new
Speaker 1: way to relive the magic of the January six insurrection.
Speaker 1: Using an app called voice Map, the Daily Show has
Speaker 1: created a self guided audio tour of Washington, d C
Speaker 1: called in the Footsteps of the Freedom Surrection. So if
Speaker 1: you're in d C, voice Map uses GPS to automatically
Speaker 1: play audio when you get to each site on the
Speaker 1: walking tour, starting at the White House and marching all
Speaker 1: the way to the Capitol. Or you can just listen
Speaker 1: to the whole thing at home if you're lazy, so
Speaker 1: go to Daily Show dot com slash January six Tours
Speaker 1: to find out more. You can listen to the tour
Speaker 1: on voice Map on the websites at home, or download
Speaker 1: the voice map app for i Os or Android and
Speaker 1: search for Washington, d C. To find the tour. The
Speaker 1: Daily Show with Trevor Noah ears editions. Subscribe to the
Speaker 1: Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content, and stream full
Speaker 1: episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy
Speaker 1: Central podcast