WEBVTT - Nothing Can Prepare You with Dr. Aliza Pressman 0:00:03.240 --> 0:00:06.640 You are listening to What in the Winkler and iHeartRadio podcast. 0:00:09.560 --> 0:00:12.480 Welcome back to another episode of What in the Winkler. 0:00:12.760 --> 0:00:15.080 I am so excited because today we have a really 0:00:15.120 --> 0:00:17.760 special guest and she's not a family member, so this 0:00:17.840 --> 0:00:22.479 is like a real legit guest. Doctor Eliza Pressman is 0:00:22.480 --> 0:00:26.280 a developmental psychologist with nearly two decades of experience working 0:00:26.320 --> 0:00:29.040 with families and the healthcare providers who care for them. 0:00:29.400 --> 0:00:31.600 She's the author of the New York Times best selling 0:00:31.640 --> 0:00:34.600 book The Five Principles of Parenting, Your Essential Guide to 0:00:34.680 --> 0:00:37.640 Raising Good Humans, and the host of the award winning 0:00:37.680 --> 0:00:41.960 podcast Raising Good Humans. And most importantly, she is a really, really, 0:00:41.960 --> 0:00:44.680 really dear friend of mine. And I'm so excited You're 0:00:44.680 --> 0:00:48.320 hair welcome. Thank you. I'm so happy you're here. Thank 0:00:48.360 --> 0:00:51.760 you for doing this. You're like my first official guest. Actually, no, 0:00:51.840 --> 0:00:54.080 that's not true. I had Kim and you, I mean. 0:00:55.560 --> 0:00:59.800 Kim Kardashian. That's fine, but your numbers are going to 0:00:59.880 --> 0:01:01.800 go crazy. 0:01:01.960 --> 0:01:05.840 So Alisa and I actually met before I even had kids. 0:01:06.760 --> 0:01:11.920 Alisa used to run an incredible parenting group in New 0:01:12.000 --> 0:01:16.200 York called the Seedlings Group, and I wanted to work 0:01:16.240 --> 0:01:19.039 for her until she told me that I had to 0:01:19.080 --> 0:01:21.760 have my masters to do so, and then I decided, no, 0:01:21.959 --> 0:01:24.840 we'll just be friends. I did not want to go 0:01:24.880 --> 0:01:28.199 back to school, and so we met in New York. 0:01:28.520 --> 0:01:32.640 I mean fourteen years ago. Can you believe it? 0:01:33.160 --> 0:01:35.720 No, I think it was fifteen years ago. 0:01:35.959 --> 0:01:37.720 It was fifteen years ago. I didn't even have kids yet, 0:01:37.760 --> 0:01:41.720 so you're right, fifteen years ago. And she's obviously gone 0:01:41.720 --> 0:01:45.720 on to write this incredible bestselling New York Times bestseller book, 0:01:45.760 --> 0:01:48.640 which I hosted one of the LA launch. 0:01:48.360 --> 0:01:50.280 Parties, the first launch I sure did. 0:01:51.000 --> 0:01:53.840 And you're here today. 0:01:53.840 --> 0:01:55.320 To yeah, why am I here? 0:01:55.400 --> 0:01:59.480 Okay, So you're here today because I think parenting is 0:02:00.880 --> 0:02:06.280 the most incredible opportunity that we get to do, and 0:02:06.280 --> 0:02:08.679 it's also the hardest thing I've ever done in my 0:02:08.880 --> 0:02:11.360 entire life, even if you just want to do it 0:02:11.440 --> 0:02:16.639 like kind of okay, it's really hard. And you've helped 0:02:16.680 --> 0:02:20.600 me throughout the years with my kids, and I thought 0:02:20.680 --> 0:02:23.760 we could just talk a little bit about parenting and 0:02:23.960 --> 0:02:28.480 your expertise in all subjects and answer all my questions 0:02:28.480 --> 0:02:30.000 and have my own personal therapy session. 0:02:30.080 --> 0:02:34.240 I'm so excited. Also, just I want to say that 0:02:34.480 --> 0:02:37.720 I know that it's off putting and annoying to be 0:02:37.880 --> 0:02:41.120 like an expert in this when we are the experts 0:02:41.160 --> 0:02:44.920 for our kids and for ourselves. So I'm technically an 0:02:44.960 --> 0:02:49.680 expert in that I have a degree in this area 0:02:49.840 --> 0:02:51.880 and I work in this area, but I don't want 0:02:51.919 --> 0:02:54.840 to I think one of the things that we have 0:02:54.880 --> 0:02:56.680 to know as an expert is that we don't know 0:02:57.360 --> 0:03:01.280 nearly as much as we think we do. And I 0:03:01.320 --> 0:03:03.120 don't want to say that and then make you feel 0:03:03.160 --> 0:03:05.280 like what I what I would share with you is 0:03:05.320 --> 0:03:07.720 something you shouldn't trust so much as just know that 0:03:08.520 --> 0:03:10.800 it's just going to be different. And we've had this 0:03:10.919 --> 0:03:12.720 experience where I'll say something and you're like, no. 0:03:13.120 --> 0:03:17.079 Yes, that is true. I come from a very emotional 0:03:17.200 --> 0:03:19.560 background and you come from a very clinical background. 0:03:19.639 --> 0:03:19.839 Yeah. 0:03:19.840 --> 0:03:22.920 I think that's probably so often times you'll I remember 0:03:22.919 --> 0:03:26.720 when my Ace was obsessed with his pacifier and you 0:03:26.760 --> 0:03:30.360 were very you know, clear on me taking it away, 0:03:30.360 --> 0:03:32.519 and I think I just said like, no, thanks, no thanks. 0:03:33.120 --> 0:03:35.560 By the way, I believe in passifiers for the first year. 0:03:36.120 --> 0:03:38.520 I mean I think he was. 0:03:37.680 --> 0:03:40.160 Going on for Yeah, I think it was time for 0:03:40.200 --> 0:03:42.120 the passifiers to go away. But I think one of 0:03:42.160 --> 0:03:45.280 the most incredible things about you is that you never 0:03:46.400 --> 0:03:52.400 make anybody that's speaking to you feel a embarrassed or 0:03:52.440 --> 0:03:55.600 bad about the choices that they may have made. And 0:03:57.160 --> 0:04:03.960 you also make it feel very approachable, so you really 0:04:04.320 --> 0:04:06.680 take into account who it is that you're speaking to, 0:04:06.920 --> 0:04:09.400 and then you go off of that. You know, like, 0:04:09.440 --> 0:04:12.160 there's so many books where it's like do it this way, yeah, 0:04:12.200 --> 0:04:14.880 and it's not going to work if it's not in 0:04:14.920 --> 0:04:16.920 line with who you are as a human or a parent. 0:04:17.279 --> 0:04:21.480 Right, yes, I mean, if I want to know who 0:04:21.520 --> 0:04:23.920 you are, I don't want to tell you who to be. 0:04:24.240 --> 0:04:28.919 Right which is I mean, I think that's the difference 0:04:28.920 --> 0:04:31.120 between you and other parenting. That's why I was so 0:04:32.120 --> 0:04:35.440 anxious to have you on because I think a lot 0:04:35.440 --> 0:04:38.040 of times we don't ask the questions because we feel like, oh, 0:04:38.080 --> 0:04:41.640 we should know the answers. Yeah, or I'm going to 0:04:41.720 --> 0:04:45.320 feel stupid if I ask this question, and I'm going 0:04:45.360 --> 0:04:47.159 to feel like a bad parent, because so much of 0:04:47.200 --> 0:04:50.640 the time amazing parents there's no perfect parent, but parents 0:04:50.720 --> 0:04:55.520 feel I don't know. Today, for instance, I missed pajama 0:04:55.560 --> 0:04:57.760 Day at school, and I felt like. 0:04:58.040 --> 0:05:00.000 I'm only laughing because I've definitely done. 0:04:59.800 --> 0:05:02.760 That, right, But it was for Gus, who would love, 0:05:02.880 --> 0:05:05.520 definitely love the pajama day care the most. And I 0:05:05.560 --> 0:05:09.560 felt like I was so embarrassed, and I was in school, 0:05:09.760 --> 0:05:12.160 like watching all the kids come in their pajamas, and 0:05:12.200 --> 0:05:15.520 I just thought to myself, holy shit, my morning is 0:05:15.560 --> 0:05:19.880 about to suck, right. And he was actually fine with it, ah, 0:05:19.920 --> 0:05:23.200 which is shocking because I think I dropped him off. 0:05:23.200 --> 0:05:25.240 I didn't like walk him in, So I think it 0:05:25.279 --> 0:05:27.200 because I wasn't there, he was okay. 0:05:27.080 --> 0:05:31.800 He couldn't give you a reaction. Well, that's really adaptable. 0:05:32.279 --> 0:05:33.279 That's kind of a wins. 0:05:33.520 --> 0:05:37.520 It's it's it's really like kind of a big move 0:05:37.560 --> 0:05:39.800 forward for him because we get stuck a lot of 0:05:39.839 --> 0:05:42.760 the times. What initially drew you to focus on parenting 0:05:42.800 --> 0:05:44.160 and child development? What do you think? 0:05:44.520 --> 0:05:46.839 Before I answer that question, may I also just say, 0:05:46.800 --> 0:05:51.800 ye that the fact that you made that mistake, I 0:05:51.839 --> 0:05:55.000 think gave him permission to make mistakes. So I think 0:05:55.000 --> 0:05:57.320 it was a win all around, except for the embarrassment 0:05:57.360 --> 0:06:01.640 of like being lightly disorganized in a moment, right, which. 0:06:01.400 --> 0:06:02.520 We all I mean. 0:06:02.560 --> 0:06:05.159 And also, why are they doing pajama day this month? 0:06:05.240 --> 0:06:08.560 Oh? Because at this school every single Wednesday is a 0:06:08.640 --> 0:06:13.000 theme for first grade. So that's really hard to keep 0:06:13.040 --> 0:06:14.960 up with all the themes and I'm barely making it 0:06:15.000 --> 0:06:18.279 through the week. So I just I was also I 0:06:18.320 --> 0:06:21.120 give tours at the school, at the elementary school, and 0:06:21.240 --> 0:06:26.640 I found out about the pajama Day as the tour 0:06:26.800 --> 0:06:29.520 was beginning, so I was like, oh, okay, this is great, 0:06:29.720 --> 0:06:31.080 this is yeah. 0:06:31.400 --> 0:06:34.080 Okay, sorry to interrupt, but I just felt like that 0:06:34.120 --> 0:06:36.440 we do need to do that more often. And it's 0:06:36.480 --> 0:06:39.159 easier for me to say to you than to believe myself. 0:06:39.279 --> 0:06:41.920 But I think those are moments where we're giving our 0:06:41.960 --> 0:06:45.039 kids permission to make mistakes, and you want. 0:06:44.839 --> 0:06:47.200 Them to know that if they make a mistake, the 0:06:47.200 --> 0:06:47.920 sky doesn't fall. 0:06:47.920 --> 0:06:48.760 The sky doesn't fall. 0:06:49.360 --> 0:06:53.799 Right, So tell me about why you went into parenting 0:06:53.800 --> 0:06:54.560 and child development. 0:06:55.440 --> 0:07:02.120 I mean, I think probably nobody into any field related 0:07:02.160 --> 0:07:09.760 to psychology that doesn't have some curiosity about like how 0:07:10.120 --> 0:07:12.800 in the world they came to be who they are 0:07:12.880 --> 0:07:15.320 and the people around them came to be who they are. 0:07:15.600 --> 0:07:20.040 I think I had a colorful family, and like, on 0:07:20.120 --> 0:07:23.040 the deepest level, my grandfather's a Holocaust driver, so it 0:07:23.080 --> 0:07:27.080 was my grandmother. She's just no longer alive, but that 0:07:27.240 --> 0:07:32.600 was such a huge part of my childhood, was hearing 0:07:32.720 --> 0:07:37.520 about the Holocaust at every conversation with our family, and 0:07:38.200 --> 0:07:41.280 I was mesmerized at how you could come out of 0:07:41.280 --> 0:07:43.280 that kind of trauma and raise three kids and then 0:07:43.320 --> 0:07:47.040 grandkids and now great grandkids, and how that impacts their 0:07:47.080 --> 0:07:51.560 growth and development. And so I think from just observationally, 0:07:51.640 --> 0:07:54.600 I thought it was fascinating. And then I think probably 0:07:54.960 --> 0:07:58.280 just being the you know, like a kid, a child 0:07:58.280 --> 0:08:03.160 of divorce and things happening in life, I just was like, 0:08:03.400 --> 0:08:04.320 how does this work? 0:08:05.480 --> 0:08:09.960 And how did you end up being a co founder 0:08:09.960 --> 0:08:12.200 and director of the Mount Seini Parenting Center, And can 0:08:12.240 --> 0:08:13.760 you tell us a little bit about like what that is? 0:08:15.280 --> 0:08:22.480 So I was I guess I started. I was interested 0:08:22.480 --> 0:08:27.240 in this field before I had kids, and I just 0:08:27.320 --> 0:08:32.120 knew that I wanted to work for kids. I don't 0:08:32.160 --> 0:08:34.160 know if I wanted to work with kids once I 0:08:34.240 --> 0:08:37.200 had kids, but I knew that I wanted to work 0:08:37.280 --> 0:08:41.520 for serving kids and families. And then I was working 0:08:41.559 --> 0:08:46.959 with more affluent families in my private practice, and I 0:08:47.040 --> 0:08:50.840 was teaching at the hospital. I was teaching residents their 0:08:50.920 --> 0:08:58.920 behavior and development rotation it's called and somehow like I 0:08:58.960 --> 0:09:01.640 had the opportunity from that more affluent families that I 0:09:01.720 --> 0:09:05.920 worked with, they wanted to figure out, like how could 0:09:05.960 --> 0:09:11.960 they give back and could it help the families in 0:09:12.240 --> 0:09:16.120 that the hospital serves. And now we work across the country, 0:09:16.160 --> 0:09:21.360 but to have access to parenting and child development and 0:09:21.400 --> 0:09:25.000 all the things that can support mothers and parents in general. 0:09:25.679 --> 0:09:29.160 So we decided to open a parenting center there. And 0:09:29.200 --> 0:09:32.040 then because I was teaching residents, I also learned that 0:09:32.200 --> 0:09:35.960 pediatricians don't really have much training in most of the 0:09:35.960 --> 0:09:37.880 things that we asked them about, because when you go 0:09:37.920 --> 0:09:40.959 to the pediatrician's office, they're pretty routine and like they 0:09:41.000 --> 0:09:43.960 know how to give vaccines and deal with us, you know, 0:09:44.040 --> 0:09:46.800 an illness, but most of the questions they get asked 0:09:46.800 --> 0:09:49.760 about are parenting questions, especially in those first five years. 0:09:50.360 --> 0:09:53.120 And so what I was working very closely with a 0:09:53.160 --> 0:09:56.360 pediatrician who I co founded the parenting center with, and 0:09:56.520 --> 0:10:00.840 she was like, this is information that pediatricians want and 0:10:00.960 --> 0:10:04.760 need because they're oftentimes either winging it going by their 0:10:04.760 --> 0:10:09.080 own experience or asking their mentor, And wouldn't it be 0:10:09.160 --> 0:10:15.280 nice if there was a more streamlined approach to understanding 0:10:15.400 --> 0:10:17.840 behavior and development and creating a curriculum. So that was 0:10:17.840 --> 0:10:20.640 the first thing we did, was to create a curriculum 0:10:20.679 --> 0:10:26.000 for residents that would integrate parenting into their already existing visits. 0:10:26.280 --> 0:10:29.920 And so everything that we do is related to making 0:10:29.960 --> 0:10:32.480 sure that if you are going into a hospital or 0:10:32.520 --> 0:10:36.360 clinic setting, which is where ninety nine percent of babies 0:10:36.360 --> 0:10:40.080 are born, I think maybe it's ninety seven, that there's 0:10:40.120 --> 0:10:42.319 support for you as the provider. 0:10:53.120 --> 0:10:56.280 It's so interesting because when I was a teacher for 0:10:56.440 --> 0:10:59.280 ten years, and then I was a therapeutic companion, a 0:10:59.280 --> 0:11:02.040 one to one shadow for four years, so I had 0:11:02.080 --> 0:11:04.400 a lot of experience with kids and young kids too. 0:11:05.559 --> 0:11:08.760 But when I became a parent, everybody prepares you for 0:11:08.840 --> 0:11:12.240 the pregnancy and for the birth, but nobody talks about 0:11:12.280 --> 0:11:14.600 when you go home and you're alone with that baby. 0:11:14.679 --> 0:11:17.680 And even if you have all the experience in the world, 0:11:17.840 --> 0:11:20.559 it's you forget everything and it goes out the window 0:11:20.600 --> 0:11:23.480 because now it's your, your baby, and so all the 0:11:23.520 --> 0:11:27.520 emotion and all of the you're it's so it's all intertwined. 0:11:27.679 --> 0:11:31.160 Whereas when you're giving advice about someone else's child, the 0:11:31.320 --> 0:11:35.680 emotional like poll isn't there as much. So I think 0:11:35.679 --> 0:11:40.400 that that's so amazing that families across the country have 0:11:40.480 --> 0:11:43.840 that opportunity because everyone prepares you for the birth. But 0:11:43.880 --> 0:11:46.080 that to me was I mean, it wasn't easy, but 0:11:46.160 --> 0:11:48.720 I definitely got an epidural, but that quick. It's quick, 0:11:49.720 --> 0:11:53.200 and it's like most of the times you're surrounded by doctors, 0:11:53.240 --> 0:11:54.719 so it's like, you know, but then you go home 0:11:54.760 --> 0:11:55.400 and you're alone. 0:11:55.880 --> 0:11:58.360 I know, there's no you. You really just have like 0:11:58.400 --> 0:12:00.720 two of it. That was the other thing as we noticed, like, Okay, 0:12:00.760 --> 0:12:02.520 at the hospital, you have to watch a video on 0:12:02.920 --> 0:12:05.920 putting your kid in a car seat and shaking baby syndrome, 0:12:06.320 --> 0:12:08.679 and that's it. And we were like, what about videos 0:12:08.679 --> 0:12:10.840 that can help you actually get through these next few 0:12:10.880 --> 0:12:14.839 months for sleeping and feeding and connecting and touch and 0:12:14.960 --> 0:12:18.960 all of the things that could be so helpful, including 0:12:19.120 --> 0:12:23.440 things that can minimize chances of postpartum depression. And it 0:12:23.520 --> 0:12:26.880 all happens in these settings, but there aren't a lot 0:12:26.880 --> 0:12:29.520 of resources for it. So that was really fun. And 0:12:29.640 --> 0:12:35.400 also there's so much There are so many hospitals and 0:12:35.400 --> 0:12:37.800 there are so many places across the country that don't 0:12:37.880 --> 0:12:41.680 have like in where we started was New York City 0:12:41.760 --> 0:12:44.960 and we're in LA Obviously those are places that have 0:12:45.040 --> 0:12:48.040 a lot of resources and a lot of practitioners, but 0:12:48.240 --> 0:12:51.120 most places in the country there's such a shortage. So 0:12:51.200 --> 0:12:53.560 anything that you can do, I mean, we even made 0:12:53.559 --> 0:12:58.199 well Child Visit videos to help families and also the 0:12:58.240 --> 0:13:01.000 care providers, like what are the questions it might come up? 0:13:01.440 --> 0:13:03.160 What are some things that you can find out about 0:13:03.200 --> 0:13:05.960 that will save you the time and the visit, because 0:13:06.520 --> 0:13:08.560 for the majority of the country, it's not like you 0:13:08.600 --> 0:13:11.200 can just grab a psychologist on the way. 0:13:11.720 --> 0:13:14.360 And then also it's you know, it's funny because for me, 0:13:15.480 --> 0:13:19.320 my my biggest challenge after having three kids was zero 0:13:19.440 --> 0:13:24.000 to one. I was so anxious. The jump from one 0:13:24.040 --> 0:13:28.079 to two was so much easier for me, not physically, 0:13:28.160 --> 0:13:29.920 I mean, there's a lot more to do, and you're 0:13:30.160 --> 0:13:33.520 you know, you survived. I survived the first one and 0:13:33.920 --> 0:13:37.520 the anxiety I had with zero to one. I didn't 0:13:37.520 --> 0:13:40.760 have postpartum depression, but I did have postpartum anxiety, which 0:13:40.800 --> 0:13:44.480 you know, and it was so difficult. 0:13:43.960 --> 0:13:44.880 For me to. 0:13:47.240 --> 0:13:53.520 Just let him sort of be and I was always 0:13:53.559 --> 0:13:55.960 worried about something happening to him or to me or 0:13:56.000 --> 0:13:58.719 to you know, and it consumed me. So then when 0:13:58.760 --> 0:14:00.600 I knew he's going to eat, he going to sleep, 0:14:00.640 --> 0:14:02.560 or he's never going to sleep, which is kind of 0:14:02.559 --> 0:14:05.680 what happened, you know, at once I could accept that 0:14:05.760 --> 0:14:07.520 and I knew sort of I had like a little 0:14:07.520 --> 0:14:09.280 bit of a roadmap as to what it was going 0:14:09.280 --> 0:14:10.959 to look like with two and three, even though they're 0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:13.880 all different and they're different people, it was so much easier. 0:14:13.920 --> 0:14:15.520 It gave me comfort. 0:14:16.200 --> 0:14:18.600 Yeah, I mean, I think there everybody has like their 0:14:18.679 --> 0:14:23.400 different time in parenthood that's most challenging, and I feel 0:14:23.440 --> 0:14:25.200 like if you haven't had it, it's just that it 0:14:25.240 --> 0:14:28.160 hasn't come yet. It's kind of like when people talk 0:14:28.200 --> 0:14:32.320 about like, oh, two terrible twos or whatever, and you think, no, 0:14:32.440 --> 0:14:35.760 my two year old was not remotely pushing the limits 0:14:35.800 --> 0:14:38.640 or anything. But then really that's because it'll happen at three. 0:14:38.680 --> 0:14:40.440 It's not we're not skipping any of these. 0:14:40.320 --> 0:14:43.480 Steps, right, They all come when they come. What do 0:14:43.520 --> 0:14:46.720 you think, after like working with all these families, what 0:14:46.800 --> 0:14:50.200 have you noticed are the modern parenting challenges? Because I 0:14:50.200 --> 0:14:52.840 think to myself all the time my parents, I'm sure 0:14:52.840 --> 0:14:55.520 I thought it was really difficult raising us in our generation, 0:14:55.640 --> 0:15:00.120 But then I think with social media and and just 0:15:00.280 --> 0:15:04.000 as like all these things that are now at our kids' fingertips, 0:15:05.720 --> 0:15:09.600 it seems like it's way more complicated now to raise kids, 0:15:09.640 --> 0:15:11.920 even though I'm sure that our kids will feel. 0:15:11.640 --> 0:15:13.560 That it was so much easier right back. 0:15:13.560 --> 0:15:15.680 And so, what do you think are like the major 0:15:16.080 --> 0:15:18.720 modern parenting challenges for right now? 0:15:19.040 --> 0:15:23.480 I mean, I think this parenting stress, which the Surge 0:15:23.480 --> 0:15:27.680 in general just wrote and advisory on, is a big 0:15:27.760 --> 0:15:32.720 challenge because we're expected to do more and we don't 0:15:32.760 --> 0:15:36.280 have more resources to do it. I think that's huge. 0:15:36.880 --> 0:15:41.520 And I have a sneaking suspicion in the service of 0:15:41.600 --> 0:15:46.680 wanting to be more emotionally available to our kids, we 0:15:46.720 --> 0:15:50.000 are really afraid of their feelings and so we do 0:15:50.280 --> 0:15:53.560 we like bend over backwards to try to make sure 0:15:53.600 --> 0:15:57.600 that we fix any feelings that are really hard. And 0:15:57.680 --> 0:15:58.640 that is just. 0:15:58.760 --> 0:16:01.120 We've talked about that exhaust to what I do well. 0:16:01.160 --> 0:16:03.200 I mean, but it's very natural, because you'd be such 0:16:03.200 --> 0:16:05.960 a beast if you didn't have you know, like, if 0:16:06.000 --> 0:16:09.720 you're just like I don't care if you're miserable. It's hard. 0:16:09.800 --> 0:16:13.040 It's your child. It's so hard. Although I have a 0:16:13.080 --> 0:16:16.320 harder time I think with other people's kids seeing them 0:16:16.520 --> 0:16:18.760 struggling than I do with my own kids, because at 0:16:18.800 --> 0:16:22.720 least I'm like, I know ultimately they're loved and they're safe, 0:16:22.800 --> 0:16:25.560 and this is a moment whereas somebody else's child, I 0:16:25.600 --> 0:16:27.120 feel a little bit. You know, It's like when you're 0:16:27.200 --> 0:16:28.960 taking care of somebody else's kid, you just get a 0:16:29.000 --> 0:16:32.200 little bit more worried. But I think that is a 0:16:32.680 --> 0:16:37.760 massive challenge, and it's because we feel parenting. Yeah, like 0:16:37.760 --> 0:16:44.600 we got so we felt so rightfully, like we didn't 0:16:44.600 --> 0:16:50.240 get enough maybe attention to feelings, and we just accidentally 0:16:50.280 --> 0:16:54.200 went too far probably and the burden is now on 0:16:54.280 --> 0:16:55.520 the parents today, right. 0:16:56.000 --> 0:16:58.840 I Actually last night at dinner, one of my kids 0:16:58.920 --> 0:17:02.320 was telling we do rose bud and thorn every night, 0:17:02.880 --> 0:17:06.880 and we also do a seed like what we're excited 0:17:06.880 --> 0:17:10.719 to learn. But his thorn was that his best friend 0:17:11.280 --> 0:17:13.720 said to him, you talk too fast, and I don't 0:17:13.720 --> 0:17:17.080 want to play with you anymore. And I could feel. 0:17:17.240 --> 0:17:18.199 I can feel you. 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:22.919 I was, I was unwell, and Rob was looking at 0:17:22.960 --> 0:17:26.000 me across the table like scared the whole gust coming out. Yeah, 0:17:26.040 --> 0:17:29.520 And you know, I when my kid tells me that 0:17:29.560 --> 0:17:31.919 something has happened to them. I think I told I 0:17:31.960 --> 0:17:34.680 told this Stir on your podcast. Actually, so, when Ace 0:17:34.840 --> 0:17:37.119 was in preschool, there was a kid who was not 0:17:37.280 --> 0:17:39.920 letting him play basketball and said that he couldn't play 0:17:39.960 --> 0:17:42.600 because he didn't have the right shoes, I remember, And 0:17:42.640 --> 0:17:44.240 so I went up to him and I said, do 0:17:44.280 --> 0:17:50.639 you know what happens when you're unkind? And he said, yeah, 0:17:52.119 --> 0:17:53.879 someone tells the teacher. And I said, oh my gosh, no, 0:17:54.000 --> 0:17:56.359 it's like way worse than that. Nobody will have you 0:17:56.440 --> 0:17:59.680 over for play dates because you're not kind. And then 0:17:59.760 --> 0:18:03.120 I looked at Ace and I said, an Ace, Blake 0:18:03.160 --> 0:18:05.399 Griffin is coming for dinner tonight. Mima. I don't know 0:18:05.440 --> 0:18:07.520 Blake Griffin. He's a clipper. He was a clipper at 0:18:07.520 --> 0:18:07.760 the time. 0:18:07.840 --> 0:18:09.320 I mean, I only know because I know the story 0:18:09.320 --> 0:18:09.680 of other world. 0:18:09.760 --> 0:18:12.720 So I don't know him. I don't he's never been 0:18:12.720 --> 0:18:15.720 to my home. But I just like, I completely had 0:18:15.720 --> 0:18:17.960 an out of body experience. I got into my car. 0:18:18.040 --> 0:18:22.040 I called Rob and I just said, I just I 0:18:22.160 --> 0:18:24.000 just got into it with a five year old, like 0:18:24.080 --> 0:18:27.399 what is going to happen to me? And then I 0:18:27.480 --> 0:18:30.840 really it laid that, like you know, I learned from that, 0:18:30.920 --> 0:18:32.680 I really did. As something comes. 0:18:32.520 --> 0:18:35.120 Over, you just get so protected. 0:18:35.119 --> 0:18:37.840 It's mentally ill and I'm in therapy. So what's wrong 0:18:37.840 --> 0:18:39.720 with me? And what do I do? Can you help? 0:18:39.920 --> 0:18:43.520 Oh? My god? I think I think that is a 0:18:43.560 --> 0:18:48.199 medication question. I think this has nothing to do with 0:18:48.240 --> 0:18:52.200 your parenting. You would do that probably in any situation. 0:18:52.320 --> 0:18:55.879 I would be a friend, and that is part of 0:18:55.920 --> 0:19:00.360 your charm. It's just that it's probably better with als 0:19:01.240 --> 0:19:01.640 or with. 0:19:01.560 --> 0:19:05.720 No one at all. I need a puzzle when I'm out. 0:19:05.960 --> 0:19:10.679 I think it's more like, don't try to take on everything. 0:19:11.160 --> 0:19:14.800 But I would say for the underage set, it's just 0:19:15.480 --> 0:19:18.520 it's not serving you or them or your kids. But 0:19:18.640 --> 0:19:19.719 it is very funny. 0:19:19.840 --> 0:19:22.840 So what it makes for great it's got our story 0:19:23.000 --> 0:19:23.640 on a podcast. 0:19:23.640 --> 0:19:26.640 And also your son just kind of like it's okay, mom. 0:19:27.000 --> 0:19:29.600 You know that he's like, they're gonna grow up and 0:19:29.640 --> 0:19:31.400 they're just gonna be like, please, don't piss off my mom. 0:19:31.440 --> 0:19:32.960 I assure you, it's not a good idea. 0:19:33.040 --> 0:19:35.600 What so what in those moments when a child shares 0:19:35.720 --> 0:19:37.600 because you want them to share things with you and 0:19:37.640 --> 0:19:38.960 you don't want them to get to the point where 0:19:38.960 --> 0:19:40.280 he's like I don't even want to tell you anything 0:19:40.280 --> 0:19:41.360 because you're gonna freak out. 0:19:41.400 --> 0:19:43.120 I think that's the most important point. 0:19:43.160 --> 0:19:45.199 So what's the best response when that happens, when a 0:19:45.240 --> 0:19:48.119 kid says, hey, you know this person was mean to 0:19:48.119 --> 0:19:51.600 me today, or just share something I know? The number 0:19:51.640 --> 0:19:53.840 one thing is you don't interview for pain, right, Yeah, 0:19:54.119 --> 0:19:54.480 you don't. 0:19:55.040 --> 0:19:57.960 So well, that's like that. That is so like don't 0:19:58.000 --> 0:20:00.720 start your you know, pick up with how did it 0:20:00.760 --> 0:20:05.200 go today? With so and so? Okay, But the other 0:20:05.240 --> 0:20:09.359 thing is, and it seems trite, and it is so 0:20:09.560 --> 0:20:14.119 life changing, is it? Whenever? Just promise yourself. This is 0:20:14.160 --> 0:20:16.480 all you have to do is promise yourself that when 0:20:16.720 --> 0:20:21.119 you hear a story, you will take a breath during 0:20:21.160 --> 0:20:25.280 and after that story before you react, just because it 0:20:25.400 --> 0:20:29.159 tells your body that you are not in danger. You 0:20:29.240 --> 0:20:33.800 do not need to go into fight mode. And that 0:20:33.840 --> 0:20:36.600 way you can hear the story, receive a story, and 0:20:36.640 --> 0:20:39.560 make it about how your kid feels instead of how 0:20:39.600 --> 0:20:40.119 you feel. 0:20:40.280 --> 0:20:43.600 Right, So that's what I was doing. Was actually incredibly selfish. 0:20:43.760 --> 0:20:47.120 No, it's not that it's selfish, it's just that it's natural. 0:20:47.200 --> 0:20:49.720 We all feel. Please, if you don't think that there 0:20:49.760 --> 0:20:53.239 have been times when I'm like, my entire goal this 0:20:53.320 --> 0:20:55.680 year is to make sure. I mean, I won't even 0:20:55.760 --> 0:20:58.560 say it, but I think it's very natural. 0:20:58.680 --> 0:21:00.760 So what is the response when I can kid, When 0:21:01.000 --> 0:21:04.280 when your child tells you that something on upsetting happened 0:21:04.280 --> 0:21:06.920 to them, what is the like, what is the response, 0:21:06.960 --> 0:21:08.320 I'm really sorry that happened. 0:21:08.720 --> 0:21:13.520 No, I would take a breath, very committed to breathing, okay, 0:21:14.560 --> 0:21:19.600 and then after you've taken a breath, refocus the spotlight 0:21:19.800 --> 0:21:24.280 on your child and just say, so, how did it 0:21:24.320 --> 0:21:28.720 feel like? Or you can say I'm so glad you 0:21:28.760 --> 0:21:31.600 told me that. Like, I really like knowing these things. 0:21:31.720 --> 0:21:34.000 I know I can't do anything about it, but is 0:21:34.040 --> 0:21:34.600 there anything that. 0:21:34.600 --> 0:21:39.840 I can I can't do something right because well last 0:21:39.920 --> 0:21:42.160 night at dinner, I did say, well, you can't. 0:21:42.000 --> 0:21:44.359 Fix his fee. I guess you couldn't fix the pain. 0:21:44.600 --> 0:21:46.840 No, I can't. And I did say to Gus. We 0:21:46.880 --> 0:21:48.600 talked about it again when I was putting him to bed, 0:21:48.640 --> 0:21:51.959 because that takes hours upon hours, and he was telling 0:21:51.960 --> 0:21:54.800 me everything that he was feeling that night and last night, 0:21:54.800 --> 0:21:57.880