WEBVTT - I Choose...To Have A Beautiful Brain with Dr. Amen 0:00:01.600 --> 0:00:09.240 You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hi, everyone, 0:00:09.400 --> 0:00:12.880 welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is all about 0:00:12.920 --> 0:00:16.200 the choices we make and where they lead us. I 0:00:16.320 --> 0:00:20.400 know this episode is going to be incredible because my 0:00:20.480 --> 0:00:25.040 guest today is on a mission to end mental illness. 0:00:25.480 --> 0:00:30.200 He is creating a revolution, you guys in brain health. 0:00:30.680 --> 0:00:35.160 My guest today is a physician, an adult and child psychiatrist. 0:00:35.520 --> 0:00:39.199 He's the founder of brain MD, and he hosts a 0:00:39.280 --> 0:00:42.960 digital series called Scan My Brain that I Think I 0:00:43.159 --> 0:00:45.920 was one of the first guests on. He's the author 0:00:46.200 --> 0:00:50.120 of Change Your Brain every Day and is a twelve 0:00:50.280 --> 0:00:54.000 time New York Times best selling author. He has worked 0:00:54.000 --> 0:00:59.800 with high profile people like Miley Cyrus, the Kardashians, Justin Bieber, Belahadid, 0:01:00.040 --> 0:01:04.720 and so many more. Please welcome my friend, doctor Amen 0:01:04.959 --> 0:01:08.119 to the I Choose Me Podcast. Doctor Raman, Oh my gosh, 0:01:08.200 --> 0:01:10.839 I've known you for so long. It feels like so long, 0:01:10.880 --> 0:01:12.480 but it's not really that long, right. 0:01:12.680 --> 0:01:18.320 No, well, I think it's the four years maybe four years? 0:01:18.600 --> 0:01:22.280 Yeah, right. Let's bring the listeners into our relationship and like, 0:01:22.319 --> 0:01:24.959 have we met? We met a few years ago when 0:01:25.160 --> 0:01:28.160 I heard from my friend Adele. She had sent me 0:01:28.240 --> 0:01:32.520 your Instagram profile and I was so enthralled by the 0:01:32.560 --> 0:01:34.800 content that you were putting out. I felt like you 0:01:34.840 --> 0:01:38.440 were speaking directly to me, and I knew I had 0:01:38.440 --> 0:01:40.080 to meet with you. Do you remember when I came 0:01:40.120 --> 0:01:41.200 into your office the first. 0:01:41.040 --> 0:01:45.240 Time I did so, you did my show Scan My Brain. 0:01:45.560 --> 0:01:49.000 You are actually the first person we have now done 0:01:49.360 --> 0:01:51.680 like one hundred and fifty episodes. 0:01:51.840 --> 0:01:53.440 Oh my gosh, I'm so honored. 0:01:54.120 --> 0:01:57.800 And you were the first one. We were talking about 0:01:57.800 --> 0:02:02.560 your memory and beautiful brain. It just worked way too hard. 0:02:04.680 --> 0:02:06.680 Yeah, when you told me I had a beautiful brain, 0:02:06.760 --> 0:02:10.200 I was like, oh, that makes me feel good. 0:02:11.400 --> 0:02:13.399 Absolutely, you've seen a few. 0:02:16.320 --> 0:02:16.680 I was. 0:02:16.800 --> 0:02:18.440 I remember I was kind of like in a dip, 0:02:18.520 --> 0:02:21.440 you know, like a little a little bit of a depression. 0:02:21.680 --> 0:02:25.360 I was really struggling with my memory and I was 0:02:25.400 --> 0:02:28.360 getting more and more worried that I was developing like 0:02:28.720 --> 0:02:33.480 early onset Alzheimer's or something. And I think that that 0:02:33.680 --> 0:02:36.840 was Wait was that was that before the shutdown or 0:02:36.880 --> 0:02:41.440 right after the shutdown? See see my memory still an issue. 0:02:41.919 --> 0:02:45.760 It's was right after. 0:02:46.320 --> 0:02:50.760 Right after right after? Well, my memory is a lot better. 0:02:51.280 --> 0:02:54.800 If you're wondering and you have taught me and my 0:02:54.919 --> 0:03:00.120 daughters so much, like you've taught the world so much 0:03:00.280 --> 0:03:04.880 about brain health and how to perform better and be 0:03:05.040 --> 0:03:07.960 better and think better so that we're healthier. All the 0:03:08.000 --> 0:03:10.600 things that you've done. Gosh, you've got to be proud 0:03:10.600 --> 0:03:11.160 of yourself. 0:03:11.639 --> 0:03:15.720 I was excited every day to work with wonderful people 0:03:15.880 --> 0:03:20.760 and help awesome people be just a little more awesome. 0:03:22.680 --> 0:03:27.240 Yes, that's true. Why don't we start by talking about 0:03:27.400 --> 0:03:31.720 high performance and the brain. You just got back from Paris, right, 0:03:31.760 --> 0:03:35.080 you were there working with Olympic athletes who are pushing 0:03:35.240 --> 0:03:39.920 their bodies to extremes. What kind of things do you 0:03:40.000 --> 0:03:42.800 work on with someone like that on that level? 0:03:43.240 --> 0:03:49.120 Well, so I was there on Alicia numan'st and Alisha 0:03:50.000 --> 0:03:56.120 is a Canadian Olympic poll waulter, and she had a 0:03:56.160 --> 0:04:03.400 bad concussion in April of twenty twenty one and developed 0:04:03.440 --> 0:04:09.000 something called Arline syndrome, which is certain colors of light 0:04:09.320 --> 0:04:15.520 disrupt the functioning in your brain. And she's depressed and 0:04:16.600 --> 0:04:21.800 had a lot of what we call ants automatic negative thoughts. 0:04:22.680 --> 0:04:25.920 And she actually told me she did my show as well. 0:04:26.000 --> 0:04:29.080 She told me, if I don't get an Olympic gold medal. 0:04:29.360 --> 0:04:32.479 I will be a failure and my children won't love me. 0:04:34.839 --> 0:04:37.239 I'm like, oh, we have to talk about that, because 0:04:37.279 --> 0:04:40.560 if you get an Olympic medal, you've just made your 0:04:40.640 --> 0:04:45.360 children's lives harder, right, because it's hard to live up 0:04:45.720 --> 0:04:51.520 to someone who is so accomplished. Anyways, I scanned her. 0:04:52.080 --> 0:04:55.159 I could see the trouble in her brain. We worked 0:04:55.200 --> 0:05:01.160 on it. She stopped drinking, because if you're an Olympic 0:05:01.240 --> 0:05:04.400 pole vaulter, that's your sarahbellum back bottom part of the 0:05:04.440 --> 0:05:09.320 brain that's involved in coordination, and alcohol is directly toxic 0:05:09.920 --> 0:05:13.760 to your sarahbellum. So she stopped drinking. She stopped believing 0:05:13.839 --> 0:05:18.720 everything she thought. She got rid of the idea of 0:05:19.040 --> 0:05:23.360 always being in the future with fear, and we changed 0:05:23.400 --> 0:05:29.560 it to every day I win or I learn. And 0:05:30.000 --> 0:05:31.800 we also got rid of the idea of you have 0:05:31.880 --> 0:05:35.200 to be the best. That's just such a toxic idea. 0:05:36.440 --> 0:05:38.840 But you want to be your best, and so every 0:05:38.960 --> 0:05:41.120 day we win or we learn. We get rid of 0:05:41.160 --> 0:05:45.960 the idea of perfection, but we go for consistency and 0:05:46.000 --> 0:05:50.400 being really good. And in twenty twenty three, she was 0:05:50.440 --> 0:05:54.880 the world indoor pole vaulting champion and she got the 0:05:54.880 --> 0:06:01.720 Bruns medal this year in Paris. It's emotional. It's so 0:06:01.960 --> 0:06:05.960 fund for me to be there and to just watch 0:06:06.000 --> 0:06:10.400 her perform at this incredibly high level. And one little 0:06:10.440 --> 0:06:13.560 secret I told her because she would get really bothered 0:06:13.600 --> 0:06:16.200 if she was around the other girls that were negative, 0:06:17.000 --> 0:06:20.520 and that would like rub off on her, And I'm like, no, 0:06:20.880 --> 0:06:26.440 that's your competitive advantage because when they're negative, well, that 0:06:26.560 --> 0:06:30.880 turns off the cerebellum, it turns off the coordination part 0:06:30.920 --> 0:06:35.080 of your brain. When they're negative, you're going to fly 0:06:35.320 --> 0:06:38.520 higher than them that day, And there were only five 0:06:38.560 --> 0:06:42.360 girls left at the end, and two of them were 0:06:42.440 --> 0:06:46.479 negative and they didn't make the next bar. And it 0:06:46.600 --> 0:06:49.520 was just so fun to sort of take the best 0:06:49.560 --> 0:06:53.559 of my work and help her be just a little 0:06:53.600 --> 0:06:54.080 bit better. 0:06:54.480 --> 0:06:57.040 Oh my gosh, you said you're getting emotional about that. 0:06:57.080 --> 0:06:59.320 I'm getting emotional about it. I don't even know her. 0:07:00.800 --> 0:07:06.479 That's that's what a special position you were in to 0:07:06.520 --> 0:07:08.800 be able to help her and then go there and 0:07:08.839 --> 0:07:12.040 be on her team in such an intimate way and 0:07:12.120 --> 0:07:16.760 such a part of her accomplishing that. Wow, that's really cool. 0:07:16.880 --> 0:07:22.560 That's a good story. I mean, stress and anxiety. It 0:07:22.600 --> 0:07:24.960 affects so many of us. Do you think there's really 0:07:25.000 --> 0:07:27.880 anyone left out there who doesn't have those feelings? 0:07:28.600 --> 0:07:31.000 Well, you want to hear something new I learned? 0:07:31.440 --> 0:07:31.960 Yes, please? 0:07:32.120 --> 0:07:36.240 Great? Freaking me out a little bit? Uh Aspertain, the 0:07:38.080 --> 0:07:43.880 you know, Zerow, the diet coke, and diet pepsi and 0:07:44.760 --> 0:07:50.120 over six thousand products. They did a study with mice 0:07:50.480 --> 0:07:53.120 and they found when they gave the mass pertain, they 0:07:53.160 --> 0:08:00.360 became very anxious, and their babies were anxious, and their 0:08:00.400 --> 0:08:08.400 grand babies were anxious. So it had a generational negative fact. 0:08:09.400 --> 0:08:12.680 And I think, you know, maybe I was twenty when 0:08:12.720 --> 0:08:17.680 aspartain came onto the market and I thought it was free, right, 0:08:17.720 --> 0:08:20.320 it's free, right, it's no calories. 0:08:20.640 --> 0:08:23.320 Yeah, But it's not such free, yeah. 0:08:24.080 --> 0:08:28.520 Because it changes some of the structures in your brain 0:08:29.280 --> 0:08:32.559 to need it in order for you to feel okay. 0:08:33.200 --> 0:08:37.440 But then you're more anxious. And in the study they 0:08:37.480 --> 0:08:42.160 actually gave the mice valium to calm them down, and 0:08:42.240 --> 0:08:45.559 that worked. But as you and I both know, valium 0:08:45.679 --> 0:08:49.720 is addictive. Once you started, people don't stop it. It's 0:08:49.840 --> 0:08:56.640 just a very bad thing. So could our societal anxiety 0:08:58.160 --> 0:09:02.280 in part be to what we're eating or what we're drinking. 0:09:03.360 --> 0:09:08.360 I mean, yes, there are obvious answers. The pandemic really 0:09:08.480 --> 0:09:12.520 ramped up everything, the death tolls, the isolation, the fear, 0:09:13.400 --> 0:09:22.120 and the virus itself. COVID activates your suffering pathway in 0:09:22.160 --> 0:09:25.000 the brain. It was the most interesting thing when I 0:09:25.040 --> 0:09:28.360 first started doing scans. So I saw you in December 0:09:28.760 --> 0:09:32.880 of twenty twenty, so right after the pandemic started, and 0:09:33.480 --> 0:09:36.920 I had scans. So I do a study for your listeners. 0:09:36.960 --> 0:09:39.280 I do a study called spec that looks at blood 0:09:39.320 --> 0:09:42.800 flow and activity, looks at how the brain works. And 0:09:43.840 --> 0:09:47.200 I had all these scans that people before they got 0:09:47.240 --> 0:09:51.440 COVID and then after they got COVID, and it was 0:09:51.520 --> 0:09:57.319 like this inflammatory bomb went off in their brain, making 0:09:57.440 --> 0:10:02.679 them more vulnerable things like anxiety and depression. 0:10:04.559 --> 0:10:09.120 Wow. Okay, first of all, that's a bummer for those mice. 0:10:10.080 --> 0:10:14.040 Second of all, it seems like the aspartain, not just 0:10:14.080 --> 0:10:16.880 the valuum that they gave them, but the aspartain itself 0:10:17.160 --> 0:10:23.760 is addictive, right right, Yeah, Okay, wait, rewind, what the 0:10:23.800 --> 0:10:27.640 heck is a brain scan and why do people want 0:10:27.679 --> 0:10:28.120 to get one? 0:10:28.679 --> 0:10:30.839 Well, you know, the brain is like the only organ 0:10:31.080 --> 0:10:37.320 people don't routinely screen right heart, You screen your calling, 0:10:37.440 --> 0:10:42.720 you screen your cervix, you screen your brass, and the 0:10:42.760 --> 0:10:47.480 most important work is your brain, right because it's your 0:10:47.600 --> 0:10:53.720 brain that makes you who you are. And about thirty 0:10:53.720 --> 0:10:56.719 three years ago I started looking at the brain with 0:10:56.840 --> 0:11:03.319 this study called brain Spacked imaging spect stands for single 0:11:03.600 --> 0:11:09.160 photon emission computed tomography that looks at blood flow and activity. 0:11:09.200 --> 0:11:12.920 It looks at how your brain works, and it basically 0:11:13.000 --> 0:11:17.480 shows us three things. Good activity, you had a lot, 0:11:18.240 --> 0:11:22.280 too little that wasn't your problem, or too much and 0:11:22.320 --> 0:11:25.760 that's what we saw in your emotional was working too hard. 0:11:26.480 --> 0:11:30.880 And then I take the scan and I balance it 0:11:31.600 --> 0:11:39.360 with lifestyle habits, with supplements, sometimes with medicine, and Jenny, 0:11:39.480 --> 0:11:42.960 imagine with me. Last year, there were three hundred and 0:11:43.080 --> 0:11:47.959 forty million prescriptions written for antidepressants in the United States. 0:11:48.240 --> 0:11:50.520 Wait wait, wait, go back, how many again? That's a 0:11:50.559 --> 0:11:51.080 big number. 0:11:51.559 --> 0:11:58.120 Three hundred and forty million million descriptions. Twenty five percent 0:11:58.160 --> 0:12:01.280 of women in the United States are taking get an antidepressant. 0:12:01.600 --> 0:12:05.320 That is not an okay number. Twenty five percent of 0:12:05.360 --> 0:12:09.880 women do not have they're not born with a serotonin deficiency, 0:12:11.240 --> 0:12:14.920 but all of these people who got these medications, no 0:12:14.960 --> 0:12:19.640 one ever looked at their brain. So they're changing the 0:12:19.760 --> 0:12:26.360 brain without any guidance on how to do it. And 0:12:26.440 --> 0:12:29.880 so since I started looking at the brain, I learned, 0:12:30.080 --> 0:12:34.800 like all these important things, mild traumatic brain injury is 0:12:34.840 --> 0:12:39.679 a major cause of psychiatric problems and nobody knows it. 0:12:39.760 --> 0:12:42.920 And remember you told me about the accident that you had. 0:12:43.559 --> 0:12:46.720 Yes, yes, I had. I'll tell our listeners. I had 0:12:46.720 --> 0:12:49.400 an accident when I was in my early twenties. I 0:12:49.440 --> 0:12:52.440 was run over by a jet ski in the Pacific Ocean. 0:12:52.640 --> 0:12:54.760 The person that was driving the jet ski was Luperry, 0:12:55.640 --> 0:12:59.880 and so we always got a good giggle out of that. 0:13:00.760 --> 0:13:04.520 But I did totally pass out, black out whatever, go unconscious, 0:13:05.000 --> 0:13:07.880 and I woke up and I was being asked all 0:13:07.920 --> 0:13:10.720 these questions on the beach by the paramedics. So, yeah, 0:13:10.800 --> 0:13:14.280 that was the only time I can really remember a 0:13:14.400 --> 0:13:17.679 hit to the head, a traumatic brain injury or concussion 0:13:17.720 --> 0:13:18.319 of any kind. 0:13:19.120 --> 0:13:21.679 Yeah, well that was big. But you know, I didn't 0:13:21.679 --> 0:13:25.000 really see that in your brain, which. 0:13:24.880 --> 0:13:28.000 Meant, well, you saw a little, didn't Yeah, but. 0:13:27.920 --> 0:13:31.439 It was little opposed to you know, can this explain 0:13:32.440 --> 0:13:38.000 the problems with your memory, and so the brain can heal, 0:13:38.240 --> 0:13:43.959 But so many of my patients it's the traumatic brain 0:13:44.000 --> 0:13:48.400 injury that leads to the impulsivity that leads to the addiction, 0:13:48.600 --> 0:13:53.520 that leads to the depression. And we can fix it, 0:13:54.960 --> 0:13:57.680 but you can't fix something you don't know. 0:13:57.760 --> 0:14:02.240 Is there bingo? I mean, yeah, you've told me before. 0:14:02.280 --> 0:14:05.200 Like all my years dealing with my dad and his 0:14:05.240 --> 0:14:09.000 heart disease, they would never have prescribed him medication for 0:14:09.120 --> 0:14:13.479 his heart if they hadn't gone and done a sonogram 0:14:13.520 --> 0:14:16.600 and looked at it from every angle to know what 0:14:16.640 --> 0:14:20.600 the problem was. And then to think, all these years 0:14:21.560 --> 0:14:25.000 myself and many many other people have been getting prescribed 0:14:25.120 --> 0:14:29.520 medication for their brain and nobody's ever even looked at 0:14:29.560 --> 0:14:30.240 it until you. 0:14:30.720 --> 0:14:32.480 Yeah, it's a bit insane. 0:14:32.760 --> 0:14:44.360 Yeah, it really is. You talked about ants. I think 0:14:44.440 --> 0:14:47.960 you were the first person that taught me about ants, 0:14:48.080 --> 0:14:50.520 and you tell them what ants is, what ants are. 0:14:51.640 --> 0:14:54.800 So goodness, it was over thirty years ago. I'm in 0:14:54.840 --> 0:14:58.400 my office and it was a bad day. Not a 0:14:58.440 --> 0:15:02.520 bad day. It was a hard day. Four suicidal patients, 0:15:02.880 --> 0:15:07.520 two teenagers who'd run away from home, and two couples 0:15:07.560 --> 0:15:10.480 who hated each other at the end of the day, 0:15:10.600 --> 0:15:13.400 I walk I go home and I walk into the 0:15:13.480 --> 0:15:18.640 kitchen and it's got an ant infestation in the kitchen 0:15:19.080 --> 0:15:23.120 and I'm cleaning up what feels like thousands of ants. 0:15:23.960 --> 0:15:26.600 And as I'm doing it, and the ants start like 0:15:26.720 --> 0:15:32.800 crawling out my arm and I'm like, automatic negative thoughts, ants. 0:15:33.240 --> 0:15:38.040 My patients are infested with ants. And so I finished 0:15:38.080 --> 0:15:40.880 it cleaning up. And then the next day I brought 0:15:40.880 --> 0:15:45.560 a can of ant spray to work and I start 0:15:45.640 --> 0:15:47.520 talking about it. I'm like, it's like, you have this 0:15:47.680 --> 0:15:51.880 investation of ants in your mind and I have to 0:15:51.920 --> 0:15:54.680 teach you to get rid of them. And then I 0:15:54.720 --> 0:15:58.400 realize ant spray is probably too toxic. And that weekend 0:15:58.440 --> 0:16:01.560 I went to Peer thirty nine and San Francisco and 0:16:01.760 --> 0:16:04.600 they have a puppet store there that's really awesome, and 0:16:04.640 --> 0:16:08.360 I got an ant puppet and then later an ant 0:16:08.400 --> 0:16:12.000 eater puppet. And because I also see kids, so I'm 0:16:12.040 --> 0:16:17.000 always thinking about, you know, analogies that they'll understand. And 0:16:17.400 --> 0:16:20.760 actually have a book called Captain Snout and the Superpower 0:16:20.880 --> 0:16:24.720 Questions where we teach kids to kill the ants that 0:16:24.880 --> 0:16:29.080 just pop up in their head. And I was twenty 0:16:29.120 --> 0:16:33.480 eight years old in my psychiatric residency when I heard 0:16:33.480 --> 0:16:36.360 a professor say, you have to teach your patients not 0:16:36.520 --> 0:16:41.240 to believe every stupid thing they think. And that was 0:16:41.360 --> 0:16:45.840 such a revelation because I believed every stupid thing I thought. 0:16:46.480 --> 0:16:51.840 And I'm like, what you know. Thoughts come from all 0:16:51.880 --> 0:16:57.480 sorts of places. They come from your genes. Sometimes, you know, 0:16:58.040 --> 0:17:01.440 trauma's written in your genetic based on what happened to 0:17:01.480 --> 0:17:05.480 your mom or dad. Sometimes they come from the voices 0:17:05.560 --> 0:17:08.320 of your mom or dad. From I grew up in 0:17:08.320 --> 0:17:12.840 a Catholic church, I had lots of guilt voices. Sometimes 0:17:12.920 --> 0:17:16.520 your siblings or friends or foes, you know, those of 0:17:16.560 --> 0:17:19.840 you who've been blessed and cursed to be in the 0:17:19.880 --> 0:17:26.480 public eye from the crazy journalists for clickbait. Lots come 0:17:26.520 --> 0:17:30.520 from all sorts of places, And just because you have 0:17:30.600 --> 0:17:33.840 a thought has nothing to do with whether or not 0:17:33.920 --> 0:17:38.200 it's true, whether or not it's helpful, and whether or 0:17:38.240 --> 0:17:40.359 not you should attach to it, Because it's not the 0:17:40.440 --> 0:17:43.840 thoughts you have that make you suffer. It's the thoughts 0:17:43.880 --> 0:17:47.760 you attached to that make you suffer. And so the 0:17:47.880 --> 0:17:54.320 exercise is, whenever you feel sad, mad, nervous, or out 0:17:54.320 --> 0:17:59.160 of control, just write down what you're thinking, and then 0:17:59.320 --> 0:18:02.800 ask yourself whether or not it's true, whether or not 0:18:02.840 --> 0:18:05.240 it's helpful, whether or not it's going to get you 0:18:05.600 --> 0:18:08.800 what you want in life, or if it's toxic and 0:18:08.840 --> 0:18:14.520 it needs to go. And it's a discipline, right, I 0:18:14.520 --> 0:18:19.920 believe people have to do the process like a hundred 0:18:20.000 --> 0:18:27.040 times to just retrain your brain. So Alicia's thought that 0:18:27.080 --> 0:18:30.440 we started with is I will be a failure if 0:18:30.440 --> 0:18:33.280 I don't get a gold medal and my children won't 0:18:33.320 --> 0:18:40.760 love me. Well, that's clearly distorted, not helpful thinking. We 0:18:40.880 --> 0:18:44.639 killed at least a hundred of her aunts, and so 0:18:44.920 --> 0:18:48.440 when she's at the most stressful time, she does her 0:18:48.480 --> 0:18:56.600 personal best because on the runway on the track, she 0:18:56.760 --> 0:19:03.120 imagined white lines and they will hot colds, and they 0:19:03.160 --> 0:19:07.560 were to prevent the ants from jumping over into her lane. 0:19:08.440 --> 0:19:10.880 And it's like, no, I don't have to believe that 0:19:11.040 --> 0:19:13.520 today I win or I learn. 0:19:15.240 --> 0:19:21.240 I think everybody has ants. Right. I love when you 0:19:21.320 --> 0:19:25.240 taught me that a thought leads to a feeling, leads. 0:19:24.960 --> 0:19:29.440 To an action and then the outcome. 0:19:30.280 --> 0:19:34.480 That's so incredible to just break that down because it's 0:19:34.520 --> 0:19:37.520 so simple to understand, just because you have a feeling. 0:19:38.240 --> 0:19:41.360 What you said doesn't make it true. And I literally 0:19:41.560 --> 0:19:44.000 just had I was having a little moment with my 0:19:44.119 --> 0:19:48.080 husband last night, literally was like, that is a feeling 0:19:48.119 --> 0:19:51.720 you're having and it's not doesn't make it true. So 0:19:52.760 --> 0:19:54.480 I was quoting you in my argument last night. 0:19:55.760 --> 0:19:59.960 We're good ants if you have ants and your husband 0:20:00.119 --> 0:20:05.959 has hands and the ants mate, Oh God, create super ants. 0:20:07.000 --> 0:20:08.879 I have three super ants living in my house. 0:20:11.880 --> 0:20:17.000 And so you know, with my wife, I'm always really 0:20:17.040 --> 0:20:21.280 clear with what I want. I want a kind, caring, loving, supportive, 0:20:21.880 --> 0:20:26.960 passionate relationship. I want that all the time. But I 0:20:26.960 --> 0:20:29.040 don't feel like that all the time. Right. I have 0:20:29.560 --> 0:20:32.000 rude thoughts that just show. 0:20:31.800 --> 0:20:35.240 Up what you mean, You're human. 0:20:36.359 --> 0:20:43.000 Absolutely, and I don't say them because it doesn't get 0:20:43.080 --> 0:20:46.840 me what I want. And I find I spend a 0:20:46.920 --> 0:20:50.119 lot of time with my patients going, Okay, what do 0:20:50.200 --> 0:20:53.080 you want? Remember, I think we did the exercise, the 0:20:53.080 --> 0:20:55.960 one page miracle on what piece of paper write down 0:20:56.280 --> 0:21:04.439 what do you want? Relationships, work, money, physical, emotional, spiritual health? 0:21:04.960 --> 0:21:08.680 What do you want? So you have to actually tell 0:21:08.800 --> 0:21:15.199 your brain what you want, and then the question is 0:21:15.440 --> 0:21:20.080 does it fit If I say this, will give me 0:21:20.359 --> 0:21:28.280 a kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship or not. And 0:21:28.359 --> 0:21:32.240 I remember once we were fussing over a piece of 0:21:32.240 --> 0:21:37.359 property we were thinking of mining, and I heard the 0:21:37.440 --> 0:21:40.760 criticism come up in my head, and I'm like, that 0:21:40.960 --> 0:21:43.880 is not going to get you what you want. And 0:21:44.880 --> 0:21:47.280 I collect penguins. When you were in my office, you 0:21:47.359 --> 0:21:51.560 probably saw I have penguins. And the penguins are about 0:21:52.359 --> 0:21:56.760 noticing what you like about other people, way more than 0:21:56.800 --> 0:22:01.800 what you don't. Because every day we're training each other 0:22:02.440 --> 0:22:05.960 by what we notice about each other. And so I've 0:22:06.040 --> 0:22:09.560 lived with this concept, notice what you like more than 0:22:09.560 --> 0:22:13.800 what you don't. And so in the fuss, I'm like, 0:22:13.960 --> 0:22:18.119 how can you turn this around? And I'm like, you're 0:22:18.280 --> 0:22:24.160 really good with real estate. So rather than the criticism 0:22:24.200 --> 0:22:27.800 that had popped up in my head, I flipped it 0:22:29.040 --> 0:22:31.760 and then just sort of let it go a little bit. 0:22:32.920 --> 0:22:35.240 And then she went, oh, this is probably not a 0:22:35.240 --> 0:22:40.879 good decision. So yes, you flip the thought. I flipped 0:22:40.920 --> 0:22:45.040 the thought right, rather than criticize her, notice what I 0:22:45.200 --> 0:22:49.720 like about her? Right, Because every day you're training. We 0:22:49.960 --> 0:22:55.080 teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate, 0:22:55.720 --> 0:22:58.560 but we also teach them how to treat us by 0:22:58.560 --> 0:23:01.760 what we notice about them. So I have this great story. 0:23:01.880 --> 0:23:07.120 So I have this patient I saw, and she was fourteen. 0:23:07.160 --> 0:23:09.680 When I first saw, she had tried to kill herself. 0:23:10.359 --> 0:23:15.000 And this is two years later. She's doing great. And 0:23:16.560 --> 0:23:19.479 then she shipped conflicts with her mother. She came in 0:23:19.560 --> 0:23:22.719 one day and she's very angry and she said, I'm 0:23:22.720 --> 0:23:24.879 gonna run away from home and you can't stop me. 0:23:25.720 --> 0:23:28.080 And she went on and on. And then she looked 0:23:28.080 --> 0:23:32.040 around my office and noticed I collect penguins. And she's like, 0:23:32.600 --> 0:23:35.360 and Doctor Eymond White is a grown man collect penguins. 0:23:36.480 --> 0:23:39.200 I laughed. I said, you've been seeing me for two years, 0:23:39.240 --> 0:23:42.639 you're just noticing them. And then I told her this story. 0:23:44.000 --> 0:23:46.880 When my son was seven, So this is forty years ago. 0:23:47.080 --> 0:23:49.639 My son was seven. He was really hard for me. 0:23:50.160 --> 0:23:53.760 And I was doing my child's skyatry training and I said, 0:23:54.160 --> 0:23:56.680 I went to my supervisor and I said, he's really 0:23:56.680 --> 0:23:58.720 hard for me. Help me. He said, you need to 0:23:58.760 --> 0:24:01.360 spend more a long time with you. So I took him. 0:24:01.440 --> 0:24:03.960 I was doing my training in Hawaii to a place 0:24:04.000 --> 0:24:07.000 called Sea Life Park on O Wahoo and they have 0:24:07.040 --> 0:24:09.320 sea animal shows. And I went to the whale show 0:24:09.400 --> 0:24:11.760 and the dolphin show and the sea lion show, and 0:24:11.760 --> 0:24:14.000 I was all great. And at the end of the 0:24:14.080 --> 0:24:17.720 day he goes, I want to see fat Freddy and 0:24:17.720 --> 0:24:20.320 I'm like, who's that. It's like the penguin, Dad, don't 0:24:20.359 --> 0:24:24.840 you know anything that was of our relationships. But this 0:24:24.920 --> 0:24:29.240 little penguin was so cool. He was a humble penguin 0:24:29.280 --> 0:24:31.560 and he was chubby. Why it was called that Freddy. 0:24:32.320 --> 0:24:37.600 And he comes on the stage, climbs a high diving board, 0:24:37.920 --> 0:24:40.280 goes to the end of the board, bounces, jumps in 0:24:40.359 --> 0:24:44.119 the water like the whoa. Then he bowls with his nose, 0:24:44.280 --> 0:24:47.720 counts with his flipper, jumps through a fire and I'm like, 0:24:48.640 --> 0:24:51.119 this is cool. And at the end of the show, 0:24:51.160 --> 0:24:53.720 the trainer asked Freddy to go get something. Freddy went 0:24:53.760 --> 0:24:56.639 and got it and he brought it right back, and 0:24:56.720 --> 0:24:59.880 in my mind, I went, damn, I asked this kid 0:25:00.119 --> 0:25:02.199 get something for me, and he wants to have a 0:25:02.280 --> 0:25:05.680 discussion for like thirty minutes and then he doesn't want 0:25:05.720 --> 0:25:07.919 to do it. And I knew my son was smarter 0:25:08.080 --> 0:25:10.439 than the penguin. So I went up to the trainer 0:25:10.480 --> 0:25:12.639 afterwards and I'm like, how did you get Freddy to 0:25:12.640 --> 0:25:15.760 do all these really cool things. And she looked at 0:25:15.760 --> 0:25:17.640 my son, and then she looked at me, and she said, 0:25:17.760 --> 0:25:20.920 unlike parents, whenever Freddy does anything like what I want 0:25:20.960 --> 0:25:24.639 him to do, I notice him. I give him a hug, 0:25:25.080 --> 0:25:28.880 and I give him a fish. And the light went 0:25:28.920 --> 0:25:30.679 on in my head that when he did what I 0:25:30.720 --> 0:25:33.200 wanted him to do, I wasn't paying any attention because 0:25:33.240 --> 0:25:36.080 I was busy, But when he didn't do it I 0:25:36.119 --> 0:25:37.840 wanted him to do, I gave him a lot of 0:25:37.920 --> 0:25:40.879 attention because I didn't want to raise bad children. So 0:25:40.920 --> 0:25:46.280 it's inadvertently teaching him to be troubled. And so I'm 0:25:46.359 --> 0:25:50.760 telling my patient this and then I get this really 0:25:50.920 --> 0:25:54.480 crazy idea, and she tended to be oppositional, and so 0:25:54.920 --> 0:25:58.200 I'm like, you know, I have this really crazy idea. 0:25:58.480 --> 0:26:01.359 You probably don't want to hear it. And so if 0:26:01.359 --> 0:26:03.520 they're a little opposition of like, no, I have to 0:26:03.560 --> 0:26:06.919 hear it now. And I'm like, well, what if we 0:26:07.080 --> 0:26:12.160 shaped the behavior of your mother? And she goes I'm listening. 0:26:13.480 --> 0:26:18.000 I said, what if whenever she's rude to you or 0:26:18.040 --> 0:26:23.560 inappropriate to you, you don't overreact, you don't yell, scream, 0:26:23.880 --> 0:26:28.760 stomp out and her eyes got really big, and I said, 0:26:28.800 --> 0:26:33.680 but what if she is appropriate with her? You put 0:26:33.680 --> 0:26:35.400 your arms around her and you tell her you love 0:26:35.400 --> 0:26:39.960 her metaphorically, you give her a fish and she goes, 0:26:40.760 --> 0:26:44.480 let's try it. And she texted me that night, I'm 0:26:44.520 --> 0:26:47.600 not going to run away. Don't worry about me. And 0:26:47.640 --> 0:26:49.199 two weeks later when I saw her, she said they 0:26:49.240 --> 0:26:51.119 had the best two weeks and she brought me a 0:26:51.160 --> 0:26:58.280 penguin for my collection. And so, you know, with your husband, 0:26:58.640 --> 0:27:03.040 or my wife or the people who work with us, 0:27:04.480 --> 0:27:09.960 can we be better at noticing what we like more 0:27:10.119 --> 0:27:11.800 than what we do? 0:27:12.560 --> 0:27:17.760 Yeah, that really works. It's hard to remember to do 0:27:17.800 --> 0:27:19.960 it in the heat of the moment, but if you 0:27:20.400 --> 0:27:23.440 keep practicing at it, if you keep reminding yourself about it, 0:27:24.280 --> 0:27:29.240 then it starts to become habitual and easier to access 0:27:29.280 --> 0:27:32.520