WEBVTT - The Single Biggest Predictor of Divorce (Part 3 of How Relationships Begin to End: The Four Horseman) 0:00:03.160 --> 0:00:04.720 All right, break it down. 0:00:05.320 --> 0:00:08.719 If you ever have feelings that you just wons Amy 0:00:08.840 --> 0:00:13.240 and Cat, gotcha, Cob and locking a brother, ladies and fels, 0:00:13.680 --> 0:00:16.400 you just follow Ann the spirit where it's on the 0:00:16.400 --> 0:00:19.479 front real stuff to the chaill stuff and the. 0:00:19.760 --> 0:00:23.200 M but Swayne, sometimes the best thing you can do 0:00:23.280 --> 0:00:23.799 it just. 0:00:23.720 --> 0:00:25.800 Stop you feel things. 0:00:27.040 --> 0:00:28.680 This is feeling things. 0:00:28.400 --> 0:00:29.319 With Amy and Cat. 0:00:29.360 --> 0:00:31.760 Happy Tuesday. Welcome to feeling Things. I'm Amy and I'm 0:00:31.800 --> 0:00:35.560 Cat and we are continuing our series on the Four 0:00:35.600 --> 0:00:39.720 Horsemen from doctor John Gottman, and today's is a doozy. 0:00:40.600 --> 0:00:44.120 We finally hit the one that will just send your 0:00:44.120 --> 0:00:47.640 relationship down the drain down the toilet right like a 0:00:47.680 --> 0:00:49.760 slow flush. And then one day you're just like. 0:00:49.680 --> 0:00:53.120 Oh wow, I think the criticism is like the slow flush, this. 0:00:53.159 --> 0:00:55.880 Is the well, but how fast? I mean you might 0:00:55.920 --> 0:00:57.920 live with it for a little bit. 0:00:58.400 --> 0:01:00.560 This is like I'm just it's like Jarn, It's like 0:01:01.280 --> 0:01:01.920 you feel it. 0:01:02.400 --> 0:01:05.800 I saw if you stay in this one you get 0:01:05.800 --> 0:01:09.120 sick more. I told Kat I didn't read in too 0:01:09.200 --> 0:01:12.200 much on this one. Because we have a doc where 0:01:12.200 --> 0:01:15.200 we build everything that Kat is the therapist, so she's 0:01:15.240 --> 0:01:18.160 delivering this information to us and this is something that 0:01:18.680 --> 0:01:21.399 you probably go over with clients and stuff or recommend 0:01:21.560 --> 0:01:24.880 to them or recommend that they do more research themselves. 0:01:25.280 --> 0:01:27.280 Because he has a book, right, he has a lot 0:01:27.280 --> 0:01:30.080 of books. But he also I mean, is it specifically 0:01:30.080 --> 0:01:31.479 for this or does he mention this. 0:01:31.480 --> 0:01:36.120 In This is just in his research information that you 0:01:36.200 --> 0:01:38.600 can find. If anybody wants to know more and doesn't 0:01:38.600 --> 0:01:41.080 want to read a book, you go to the Gotman 0:01:41.200 --> 0:01:45.720 Institute's website. They have a blog, They have tons of articles. 0:01:45.800 --> 0:01:49.440 They probably have ten articles just on contempt, which is 0:01:49.440 --> 0:01:52.320 what we're talking about today, or just on the four horsemen. 0:01:52.440 --> 0:01:55.040 So if you are interested or you just want to 0:01:55.080 --> 0:01:58.440 read more, go there. That's a better place than just 0:01:58.520 --> 0:02:01.320 googling or going on Wikipedia to learn because it's all 0:02:01.360 --> 0:02:04.320 coming from his research. It's things that the Gotments have 0:02:04.360 --> 0:02:05.960 put on there and people that work for them. 0:02:06.360 --> 0:02:09.600 Yeah, and like by research, he was doing very intense 0:02:09.639 --> 0:02:11.800 things with couples, like some even in his own home, 0:02:12.000 --> 0:02:14.519 right or did I make that up? He might have 0:02:14.600 --> 0:02:16.560 been doing that like therapy and like recording. 0:02:16.600 --> 0:02:19.000 Then so he had the love lab. Is that what 0:02:19.040 --> 0:02:19.680 you're talking about? 0:02:19.800 --> 0:02:22.840 Okay, so his own home his lab whatever, But he 0:02:22.960 --> 0:02:25.880 was monitoring people like filming them and watching their interactions. 0:02:25.960 --> 0:02:27.720 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah, and. 0:02:27.760 --> 0:02:29.800 Like seeing how they were communicating. 0:02:30.080 --> 0:02:33.160 Also, I didn't think about this, but if you if 0:02:33.200 --> 0:02:36.359 you do a training with the Gotment Institute, you'll get 0:02:36.360 --> 0:02:38.920 to see some of the recordings of therapy sessions and 0:02:39.280 --> 0:02:41.000 sometimes you'll see them in like the waiting room and 0:02:41.040 --> 0:02:43.679 stuff like that, and they'll talk you through those things. 0:02:44.240 --> 0:02:45.760 Have you ever watched Couples Therapy? 0:02:46.240 --> 0:02:46.320 No? 0:02:46.680 --> 0:02:49.440 Okay, it's I want to say, I don't know what 0:02:49.520 --> 0:02:52.799 streaming service is on. It's not like a Netflix. It 0:02:53.040 --> 0:02:55.040 might be HBO or something. 0:02:55.440 --> 0:02:56.040 I'll figure it out. 0:02:56.080 --> 0:02:58.519 Less popular, but it's worth if they have a thirty 0:02:58.600 --> 0:03:01.400 day trial, it's worth just doing that to watch the show. 0:03:01.960 --> 0:03:03.280 Paramount Plus and Hulu. 0:03:03.639 --> 0:03:07.240 Oh okay, Hulu. So it is the therapist on Their 0:03:07.400 --> 0:03:11.040 name is doctor Orna, and she is incredible. When I 0:03:11.120 --> 0:03:13.960 watch it, it feels like continuing education, but also it's entertaining. 0:03:14.040 --> 0:03:18.040 It's a TV show, and I'm very weary of therapy 0:03:18.160 --> 0:03:21.520 entertainment because I'm like, who would sign up to do 0:03:21.560 --> 0:03:22.880 therapy on a TV show? 0:03:23.200 --> 0:03:25.080 So who would That's a good question. 0:03:25.680 --> 0:03:28.640 I haven't actually done research on figuring the answer to that, 0:03:28.680 --> 0:03:31.880 But my assumption is they're getting free therapy, and I'm 0:03:31.919 --> 0:03:33.639 sure she's a pretty penny. 0:03:33.880 --> 0:03:37.160 Right, So I'm willing to share all of my things 0:03:37.200 --> 0:03:39.640 with the world in exchange for. 0:03:40.440 --> 0:03:42.640 This theory because maybe it will save my marriage or 0:03:42.680 --> 0:03:45.400 save my relationship. And they do a great job of 0:03:45.440 --> 0:03:49.120 having all different kinds of relationships on there, all different 0:03:49.160 --> 0:03:52.000 types of people, all different types of religions, Like it 0:03:52.120 --> 0:03:55.400 kind of does kind of check every box. But if 0:03:55.440 --> 0:03:58.040 you read about and learn about these four horsemen and 0:03:58.080 --> 0:04:00.400 then you watch the show, it would be a fun 0:04:00.400 --> 0:04:02.640 exercise for somebody to go in and look at like 0:04:02.680 --> 0:04:05.520 when you see each one, and there are some when 0:04:05.560 --> 0:04:08.280 you watch the ones and you're like, that's contempt. Even 0:04:08.320 --> 0:04:10.880 I'm like, there's no way, And part of me is 0:04:10.880 --> 0:04:12.880 like I don't want this couple to make it because 0:04:12.920 --> 0:04:18.040 they are both hurting each other so often and so harshly. 0:04:18.560 --> 0:04:21.000 Do you think two contempt people end up together or 0:04:21.040 --> 0:04:23.320 one is the contempt and then the other person turns 0:04:23.360 --> 0:04:25.000 contempt both. 0:04:25.279 --> 0:04:27.080 I don't think it's just as like you married a 0:04:27.160 --> 0:04:29.960 contemptuous person. I think that a lot of times what 0:04:30.000 --> 0:04:33.240 happens in relationships is things build and build and build, 0:04:33.520 --> 0:04:35.680 and then you start building this resentment and then you 0:04:35.760 --> 0:04:39.520 become contemptuous towards your partner. Now, if you're married to 0:04:39.560 --> 0:04:42.000 somebody who is has a lot of traits of narcissism 0:04:42.080 --> 0:04:45.279 or is diagnosed as a narcissist, then they're probably gonna 0:04:45.279 --> 0:04:48.000 be contemptuous at times. But I don't think it's just 0:04:48.080 --> 0:04:51.880 like you are this person most of the time. 0:04:52.240 --> 0:04:56.679 You know, Nick Cannon, Ye, Maria carries, yeah baby daddy 0:04:56.720 --> 0:05:00.479 and then a lot of other Yeah baby Ddy's mama's. Yeah, 0:05:00.520 --> 0:05:02.520 he was the baby daddy to a lot of babies. Yeah, 0:05:02.560 --> 0:05:04.600 not just Maria carry. But I didn't know if you 0:05:04.680 --> 0:05:07.680 knew that he was recently on the Breakfast Club and 0:05:07.920 --> 0:05:10.719 he shared with them that he was diagnosed with MPD. 0:05:11.240 --> 0:05:14.719 No way. Yeah, I saw something somewhere that he said, 0:05:15.279 --> 0:05:16.719 and maybe it was from there he said he wasn't 0:05:16.720 --> 0:05:19.159 treating people very well, so maybe he's trying to get. 0:05:19.279 --> 0:05:21.679 Yeah, I mean that that was a couple of years 0:05:21.680 --> 0:05:24.599 ago that you know, he did all the tests and 0:05:24.640 --> 0:05:28.960 it's a lot of questions and intense therapy and filling 0:05:29.040 --> 0:05:34.080 out questionnaires and whatnot that he realized he had narcissistic 0:05:34.160 --> 0:05:38.200 personality disorder. And that so many times he thought that's 0:05:38.360 --> 0:05:42.560 just the way things were, but he's realized he can't 0:05:42.600 --> 0:05:45.440 be that way, so he's doing the work to try 0:05:45.520 --> 0:05:48.880 not to be that way. And I'm like, wow, this 0:05:49.080 --> 0:05:52.279 just seems like the opposite of everything we hear. Now. 0:05:52.440 --> 0:05:55.760 I've heard from experts that there is a possibility that 0:05:55.800 --> 0:05:58.080 there can be work done, but that person has to 0:05:58.160 --> 0:05:59.960 be open to it, and most narcisses aren't going to 0:05:59.960 --> 0:06:01.200 be open to testing for it. 0:06:01.920 --> 0:06:04.280 Yes, that's true. And I also was going to say, 0:06:04.480 --> 0:06:07.000 and this is me just saying this, that this can 0:06:07.040 --> 0:06:11.440 also happen. Somebody who's diagnosed with that personality disorder can 0:06:11.560 --> 0:06:15.719 also present like they are this person who's like, oh 0:06:15.760 --> 0:06:17.640 my gosh, I don't want to be this way. I'm 0:06:17.680 --> 0:06:20.360 going to change this. That's a way to manipulate people too, 0:06:20.760 --> 0:06:23.080 but they really have no intention of doing that. They're 0:06:23.120 --> 0:06:24.800 like to get ahead of it. Does that make sense 0:06:24.839 --> 0:06:27.440 that Costs are very good actors, not. 0:06:27.360 --> 0:06:29.719 So much with him, I guess. But I guess I 0:06:29.800 --> 0:06:33.800 thought that if because they tend to be very manipulative 0:06:33.880 --> 0:06:36.960 and good at it, that why wouldn't they Just with 0:06:37.000 --> 0:06:39.640 all this information now that we have about narcissism and 0:06:39.680 --> 0:06:42.159 how it's everywhere. You kind of like see people saying 0:06:42.200 --> 0:06:45.359 certain things and you're like, well, if I just don't 0:06:45.360 --> 0:06:47.960 say that or act this way, then I either will 0:06:47.960 --> 0:06:50.080 not be perceived as narcissist or I kind of know 0:06:50.120 --> 0:06:52.720 the right thing to say now and then people will 0:06:52.760 --> 0:06:56.000 see me in a different way. That crossed my mind. 0:06:56.160 --> 0:06:59.960 Yeah, there's a specific couple on one of the season 0:07:00.360 --> 0:07:03.240 where you have a couple's therapy, yes, where you can 0:07:03.279 --> 0:07:09.920 tell that there's some narcissism afloat, and the way that 0:07:10.280 --> 0:07:14.320 the doctor orner handles it is like so beautiful where 0:07:14.360 --> 0:07:16.960 you're not just like calling somebody out, but she's just 0:07:17.040 --> 0:07:20.080 kind of she was trying to understand this person, and 0:07:20.120 --> 0:07:23.000 he kept being like no, no, no, no, like she 0:07:23.080 --> 0:07:26.640 wouldn't allow her to like she probably was actually getting 0:07:26.640 --> 0:07:29.600 it right, but he kept always having an excuse for something, 0:07:29.960 --> 0:07:31.800 even if she was like parroting back what he said. 0:07:32.160 --> 0:07:34.240 And so she just said to him, it feels like 0:07:34.240 --> 0:07:36.400 it's really hard to get things right for you with you? 0:07:36.640 --> 0:07:38.800 Is that true? And he was like, what are you 0:07:38.840 --> 0:07:41.000 talking about? And she's like, well, it just feels like 0:07:41.040 --> 0:07:43.360 I'm trying to understand you and it feels really hard 0:07:43.400 --> 0:07:45.240 for me to understand you. Do you feel that? Do 0:07:45.280 --> 0:07:47.040 you feel like it's hard for people to understand you? 0:07:47.520 --> 0:07:49.720 And you can. I'm going to find the season and 0:07:49.760 --> 0:07:51.720 come back and tell you, guys, because it was such 0:07:51.760 --> 0:07:57.480 a like a caring, empathetic view of how it looks 0:07:57.520 --> 0:08:00.400 like to be in relationship with these people, and you 0:08:00.440 --> 0:08:04.400 have so much empathy for the part too, and also like, hello, 0:08:05.320 --> 0:08:08.280 now you deserve better than this. Yeah, I mean you 0:08:08.320 --> 0:08:09.840 were going to say what you saw on the dock 0:08:10.280 --> 0:08:11.160 we trailed off. 0:08:11.440 --> 0:08:13.640 Oh no, just like under contempt. Like I told you, 0:08:13.760 --> 0:08:15.440 I just went in to put my funny story that 0:08:15.600 --> 0:08:16.960 I just went in to put my feeling of the day, 0:08:16.960 --> 0:08:18.680 and I was like, I really didn't read much about it. 0:08:18.720 --> 0:08:21.400 I was like, but what's crazy to me is that 0:08:21.560 --> 0:08:25.960 if someone's in in a contemptuous relationship, they are more 0:08:25.960 --> 0:08:29.120 susceptible to illness, Like they get sick more because they're 0:08:29.160 --> 0:08:31.760 weakened immune system. And then you're like, well, that's at 0:08:31.800 --> 0:08:33.920 the top of the dock, and I was like, yeah, it's. 0:08:33.760 --> 0:08:35.960 The first thing, yeah, which is that's funny. 0:08:36.080 --> 0:08:39.440 Well, and it's also in fun it's like four times 0:08:39.520 --> 0:08:42.240 thicker than I just. 0:08:41.679 --> 0:08:43.920 Thought that was crazy too, and it's yeah, your immune 0:08:43.960 --> 0:08:47.520 system gets weakened, because I mean that speaks to how 0:08:47.640 --> 0:08:51.560 our mental health affects the wholeness of our health. If 0:08:51.600 --> 0:08:54.880 I'm constantly being beaten down or having to feel like 0:08:54.920 --> 0:08:57.360 I have defend myself all the time, I don't feel 0:08:57.400 --> 0:09:01.319 safe in my closest relationship, your body's going to take 0:09:01.320 --> 0:09:02.880 that on and then you're not gonna be able to 0:09:02.880 --> 0:09:05.200 fight off actual things like the flu. 0:09:05.840 --> 0:09:08.959 Yeah, wild, it is crazy. I'm going to do the 0:09:09.000 --> 0:09:11.559 feeling of the day before we get into contempt. 0:09:12.320 --> 0:09:12.880 I would love to. 0:09:13.040 --> 0:09:16.040 I'm sad. I know it doesn't seem sad sad, but 0:09:16.160 --> 0:09:19.720 I'm sad because my boyfriend left for Paris today without me. 0:09:20.400 --> 0:09:22.000 This is you know, that's like the one place you 0:09:22.000 --> 0:09:22.360 want to go. 0:09:22.440 --> 0:09:24.800 It's on my list, It's on my bucket list. Yes, 0:09:24.840 --> 0:09:26.559 And of course I could go with him if I 0:09:26.600 --> 0:09:29.200 didn't have work. I mean he would be working, but 0:09:29.240 --> 0:09:31.800 I could still. And apparently then when he left today 0:09:31.800 --> 0:09:33.880 because he came by to get a folding bag and 0:09:33.920 --> 0:09:35.880 he was like, I think my hotel room looks all 0:09:36.000 --> 0:09:39.599 to the Eiffel Tower, And I was like cool, stop 0:09:39.960 --> 0:09:43.040 and He's like I can bring you a sweatshirt, and 0:09:43.080 --> 0:09:45.719 I was like, okay. 0:09:44.679 --> 0:09:45.640 It's the same thing. 0:09:46.760 --> 0:09:50.280 Yeah, I mean I think I can get that here 0:09:50.800 --> 0:09:54.800 in the mall. But the sad is giving me information though, 0:09:54.840 --> 0:09:56.760 like I'm sad that I can't be there, but also 0:09:56.840 --> 0:09:59.440 I'm thankful for my job, so it's like give take, 0:10:00.080 --> 0:10:03.240 and then I guess it's good that I'm sad because 0:10:03.280 --> 0:10:06.439 like I care about my relationship, you know, like if 0:10:06.440 --> 0:10:10.080 I wasn't sad, like he's going to experience something like 0:10:10.280 --> 0:10:13.080 I want to experience that with him, okay, and like 0:10:13.160 --> 0:10:15.079 I don't get to do that, maybe we will one day. 0:10:15.120 --> 0:10:18.760 So also like I'm sad, but then hopeful that maybe 0:10:18.800 --> 0:10:21.600 one day we'll take our own trip to Paris. And 0:10:21.679 --> 0:10:25.240 then the saddest information though, because like what if I 0:10:25.280 --> 0:10:27.480 was like, eh, neutral, like I don't care you're leaving 0:10:27.480 --> 0:10:29.440 for a week. I'm good. 0:10:29.480 --> 0:10:31.640 Well you yeah, you would feel that about any trip, right, 0:10:31.720 --> 0:10:33.319 not just Paris. It's just an extra. 0:10:33.559 --> 0:10:35.120 It's extra because it's like where. 0:10:35.080 --> 0:10:37.120 You want to go, want to go? I really want 0:10:37.120 --> 0:10:40.199 to ask a hypothetical question, but if it feels weird, 0:10:40.679 --> 0:10:44.520 just let me know. Okay, if you were to one 0:10:44.600 --> 0:10:47.199 day go on a honeymoon with anybody doesn't have to 0:10:47.240 --> 0:10:49.160 do with your boyfriend. If you got to make that 0:10:49.200 --> 0:10:52.360 decision on your own, where do you think you would go? 0:10:52.360 --> 0:10:52.600 Good? 0:10:52.679 --> 0:10:54.240 Would you go to Paris? Or do you think you 0:10:54.240 --> 0:10:54.800 would do me? 0:10:55.120 --> 0:10:59.640 I mean maybe, but it's feeling a little cliche for honeymoon. Yeah, 0:10:59.640 --> 0:11:02.480 but okay, maybe it's just because I just watched the 0:11:02.520 --> 0:11:08.200 Summer I Turn Pretty and cut that out, cut that out? 0:11:09.720 --> 0:11:12.479 Just leep it wait did it? 0:11:12.480 --> 0:11:13.000 I don't watch that. 0:11:13.200 --> 0:11:15.360 I can up, I know, but everybody's watching it. It's 0:11:15.440 --> 0:11:18.040 all the rage. I can't believe you're not No, you can't. 0:11:18.080 --> 0:11:19.640 I cannot say, we cannot keep. 0:11:19.960 --> 0:11:21.360 Doesn't just be he just beaped it. 0:11:21.480 --> 0:11:23.320 We're still talking, Okay, he used to just put a 0:11:23.360 --> 0:11:26.280 beep over what I said. The coast of Spain. Maybe 0:11:27.040 --> 0:11:29.040 I would go. I've always wanted to go to Spain. 0:11:29.080 --> 0:11:30.880 Okay, that felt like you just like picked a random thing. 0:11:31.080 --> 0:11:33.280 No, No, I've wanted to go to Spain like. 0:11:33.480 --> 0:11:35.600 Well, because my question is, are you the type of 0:11:35.600 --> 0:11:38.640 person who wants on a honeymoon to just have like 0:11:38.679 --> 0:11:42.040 a relaxing like time or do you want to go 0:11:42.080 --> 0:11:44.319 on like a trip and like see things and experience 0:11:44.400 --> 0:11:46.080 parts of the world. It could be both. 0:11:46.080 --> 0:11:47.440 I want to be a little bit. I want to 0:11:47.480 --> 0:11:50.480 relax and experience a little bit. No, I do not 0:11:50.600 --> 0:11:54.199 need to be hitting up every museum and all the land. No, 0:11:55.040 --> 0:11:57.720 So that that answers it. We're not going to Paris 0:11:57.760 --> 0:12:00.480 because I do want to go to like the like 0:12:00.520 --> 0:12:04.200 that would be great and see certain sites, and I 0:12:04.200 --> 0:12:05.480 just don't think I want to be doing that on 0:12:05.480 --> 0:12:06.080 my honeymoon. 0:12:06.520 --> 0:12:09.320 That's how I felt. I was thinking about Hawaii, but 0:12:09.360 --> 0:12:10.760 I feel like if I go to Hawaii, I want 0:12:10.760 --> 0:12:13.960 to be doing activities the whole time and like traveling 0:12:14.000 --> 0:12:16.319 different places. So we just went somewhere and I just 0:12:16.400 --> 0:12:17.240 laid down for a week. 0:12:17.360 --> 0:12:21.400 See. Yeah, I could see myself like in some zero 0:12:21.480 --> 0:12:26.240 horizon pool somewhere off the coast of somewhere, you know, 0:12:26.440 --> 0:12:29.920 on a pool where there's like no infinity. Is that 0:12:30.000 --> 0:12:31.280 not called a zero horizon pool? 0:12:31.320 --> 0:12:33.480 It could be called both. There was an infinity pool 0:12:33.480 --> 0:12:35.040 at where we went on our honeymoon. 0:12:35.440 --> 0:12:40.120 Okay, a zero horizon pool more commonly called an infinity pool. 0:12:40.400 --> 0:12:41.480 So I'm just part of. 0:12:41.400 --> 0:12:43.840 The your special Yeah. 0:12:43.880 --> 0:12:47.320 It also could be called by some people a vanishing 0:12:47.400 --> 0:12:51.960 edge pool. It creates the illusion that the water has 0:12:52.000 --> 0:12:55.439 no edge, appearing to fall into the surrounding landscape or horizon. 0:12:55.800 --> 0:12:58.480 That's me because I don't love the beach, like I 0:12:58.480 --> 0:13:01.679 don't love sand and salt water, but I like the 0:13:01.720 --> 0:13:05.360 sound of the ocean. You know, some pools are saltwater pools. 0:13:05.600 --> 0:13:07.720 I can deal with the saltwater pool. I don't want 0:13:07.760 --> 0:13:11.400 to be in the saltwater ocean with creatures. Yeah, and 0:13:11.440 --> 0:13:14.400 the sand, so I can be in a pool. Correction, 0:13:14.760 --> 0:13:16.880 it's not so much the salt water as it is 0:13:16.920 --> 0:13:21.080 the creatures creatures in the sand. So, okay, take me 0:13:21.160 --> 0:13:24.200 to the coast of Spain, just to the hotel pool. 0:13:25.520 --> 0:13:28.600 You could probably go to a really nice resort in Spain, yeah, 0:13:28.720 --> 0:13:30.480 or like a really nice resort in Grease. But then 0:13:30.520 --> 0:13:32.559 my my thing is like if you go to a resort, 0:13:32.640 --> 0:13:34.320 you don't really know where you are if you're not 0:13:34.360 --> 0:13:37.640 going on like excursions. So save the Grease trip for 0:13:37.640 --> 0:13:40.400 when you go to explore. Okay, so shall we go 0:13:40.440 --> 0:13:40.920 to contempt. 0:13:41.000 --> 0:13:41.480 Let's do it. 0:13:52.880 --> 0:13:56.080 So do you know what contempt means outside of this, 0:13:56.800 --> 0:13:59.199 like outside of the four horsemen? I feel like I 0:13:59.200 --> 0:14:00.000 don't use that word. 0:14:00.000 --> 0:14:04.040 I don't really use that word here in court, contempt 0:14:04.120 --> 0:14:06.840 of court and content of the same. 0:14:07.240 --> 0:14:11.360 Can you look, because contempt essentially means like you believe 0:14:11.400 --> 0:14:13.600 that there something's below you, Okay. 0:14:13.640 --> 0:14:16.520 A contempt of court is an act of disobedience or 0:14:16.600 --> 0:14:20.440 disrespect towards the judicial branch of the government or an 0:14:20.480 --> 0:14:24.200 interference with its orderly process. It's an offense against a 0:14:24.240 --> 0:14:27.760 court of justice or a person whom the judicial functions 0:14:27.760 --> 0:14:30.360 of the sovereignty have been. Well, we just got a 0:14:30.360 --> 0:14:32.080 little complicated with our words there, but. 0:14:32.000 --> 0:14:34.680 That makes sense because that is aligned with. 0:14:34.880 --> 0:14:37.640 Okay, well, so the exact definition, which you may have it, 0:14:38.040 --> 0:14:40.480 you can read it, okay, the feeling that a person 0:14:40.560 --> 0:14:44.640 or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless or deserving scorn. 0:14:44.880 --> 0:14:49.520 Oh yeah, so that's just a sad. 0:14:49.960 --> 0:14:53.200 Well when you don't want your partner to feel that 0:14:53.240 --> 0:14:55.280 way about you, nor do you want to feel that 0:14:55.280 --> 0:14:59.120 way about your partner. And so that's why this is 0:14:59.120 --> 0:15:03.080 the one that I think is the biggest predictor that 0:15:03.120 --> 0:15:05.440 your relationship is not going to make it. If you're 0:15:05.480 --> 0:15:08.880 seeing contempt in the relationship, you're not too far gone, 0:15:09.240 --> 0:15:12.120 because there is the antidote, but you're pretty far You 0:15:12.200 --> 0:15:14.680 really don't want to get to this point, and contempt 0:15:14.680 --> 0:15:18.640 comes after criticism because it feels like it almost feels 0:15:18.640 --> 0:15:21.200 like it's like if criticism is like sticking the knife 0:15:21.240 --> 0:15:24.360 in somebody, contempt is twisting it. It's taking it a 0:15:24.360 --> 0:15:28.760 step farther. You're not accidentally being mean to somebody. I 0:15:28.760 --> 0:15:31.240 think sometimes when we're criticizing people, we don't mean to 0:15:31.880 --> 0:15:35.960 be mean. We're struggling with kind of expressing ourselves. This 0:15:36.120 --> 0:15:39.720 is like you are showing this person that they are 0:15:39.800 --> 0:15:44.560 less than you. It includes in a relationship being disrespectful, 0:15:44.640 --> 0:15:47.800 like just being disrespectful towards the person, which there's a 0:15:47.800 --> 0:15:50.320 lot of ways that can actually look and mocking somebody 0:15:50.400 --> 0:15:54.040 using sarcasm. I know we talked about that with last week. 0:15:54.680 --> 0:15:57.920 This is not using sarcasm to be less vulnerable. It's 0:15:58.000 --> 0:16:01.440 using sarcasm to like make somebody feel bad. What do 0:16:01.480 --> 0:16:02.600 you think I feel like, You're like. 0:16:02.960 --> 0:16:05.840 Well, because I'm just imagining like being in this relationship, 0:16:05.920 --> 0:16:09.440 and then I'm also evaluating my sarcasm and my relationship. 0:16:10.280 --> 0:16:13.400 There is a fine line between sarcasm when we are 0:16:14.120 --> 0:16:18.400 avoiding vulnerability or when we are avoiding confrontation. Even yeah, 0:16:18.400 --> 0:16:22.200 like making a joke because there's fear somewhere around, like 0:16:22.280 --> 0:16:26.360 really sharing how I'm feeling. Okay, this is sarcasm to 0:16:26.560 --> 0:16:31.360 like put somebody down. Imagine a bullying school. They're making 0:16:31.400 --> 0:16:33.840 fun of other people in front of a group of people, 0:16:34.480 --> 0:16:37.080 and they're being sarcastic, like making fun of something you 0:16:37.120 --> 0:16:38.280 did to hurt you. 0:16:39.240 --> 0:16:41.760 Like with contempt. Now I'm aligning it with like just 0:16:41.760 --> 0:16:43.040 like disgust. 0:16:43.480 --> 0:16:46.200 Yeah, there is probably discust in that person because you 0:16:46.320 --> 0:16:48.960 have to kind of have a level of disgust towards 0:16:48.960 --> 0:16:51.200 this person to want to make them feel this way. 0:16:51.520 --> 0:16:55.360 When you love somebody and care about somebody and respect somebody, 0:16:55.440 --> 0:16:58.480 that's a huge part of this. The respect is gone. 0:16:58.680 --> 0:17:00.600 You're not going to want to do this to somebody. 0:17:00.640 --> 0:17:04.720 And if you did do this accidentally, you would feel 0:17:04.720 --> 0:17:07.840 guilt because if I respect somebody, I'm not going to 0:17:07.880 --> 0:17:10.520 want to also do this. I mean, there's like mimicking them, 0:17:10.880 --> 0:17:13.520 like in a mean way. Sometimes Patrick will like mimic 0:17:13.560 --> 0:17:14.960 the way I do something or a face that I 0:17:15.040 --> 0:17:19.000 make being playful. This is mimicking you to make fun 0:17:19.000 --> 0:17:22.119 of you, to make you hurt, and wanting that person 0:17:22.160 --> 0:17:25.600 to know that they are less than huge part you 0:17:25.680 --> 0:17:28.560 want that other person to feel bad. It's almost a 0:17:28.600 --> 0:17:32.760 way of gaining control of the situation. You look scared. 0:17:33.000 --> 0:17:34.800 I'm just thinking of people that might be in this 0:17:34.880 --> 0:17:40.480 situation and how small you must feel if this is 0:17:40.480 --> 0:17:42.120 how your partner treats you. 0:17:42.119 --> 0:17:43.800 You know, yeah, I or. 0:17:43.840 --> 0:17:46.320 Like how exhausting, And then that circles back to the 0:17:46.359 --> 0:17:51.040 illness thing of like, yeah, you're so worn down that like, 0:17:51.119 --> 0:17:52.560 no wonder you might get sick more. 0:17:53.160 --> 0:17:55.680 Yeah. My fear is people that are in a relationship 0:17:55.720 --> 0:17:58.760 where one partner is very contemptuous of the other, is 0:17:58.800 --> 0:18:01.560 that you do lose a you part of your self 0:18:01.640 --> 0:18:05.399 esteem and self worth. So even the fighting back, you 0:18:05.480 --> 0:18:07.600 might not even be as defensive because you've kind of 0:18:07.600 --> 0:18:11.040 already been just like pushed down so far. I mean, 0:18:11.440 --> 0:18:13.439 if we see somebody doing this, and it's kind of 0:18:13.440 --> 0:18:17.600 my experience watching Couple's Therapy, I'm like in my head 0:18:17.720 --> 0:18:21.320 yelling at the TV screen, being like, leave this person. 0:18:21.400 --> 0:18:25.240 He is treating you terribly. They are not being kind 0:18:25.240 --> 0:18:28.040 to you. You deserve better. Like in my head, I'm 0:18:28.119 --> 0:18:32.040 just like, how could you stay after hearing this and 0:18:32.400 --> 0:18:35.639 that person's experience that's in it, they're hearing through the 0:18:35.720 --> 0:18:38.560 lens of well this is who I am. Now, like 0:18:38.600 --> 0:18:43.240 I am this, I might not feel like I deserve better. Yeah, 0:18:43.680 --> 0:18:46.320 So this is more so if you're seeing somebody that 0:18:46.359 --> 0:18:48.320 you love in a relationship like this and you're just 0:18:48.320 --> 0:18:50.280 wanting to yell at them and say like leave them, 0:18:50.560 --> 0:18:52.720 or even if you're a helping professional and you want 0:18:52.760 --> 0:18:55.800 to be like leave them, or you're getting frustrated with somebody. 0:18:56.280 --> 0:18:59.800 From our perspective, it looks and feels very different than 0:18:59.800 --> 0:19:03.360 the person who's in that relationship, and so it's very 0:19:03.400 --> 0:19:07.040 helpful to offer extra grace and care and empathy to 0:19:07.200 --> 0:19:10.600 that person versus judge them for staying in a relationship 0:19:10.680 --> 0:19:14.240 like that. Obviously, if you have a strong self esteem 0:19:14.240 --> 0:19:16.560 and self worth, you're not going to stay in a 0:19:16.600 --> 0:19:19.480 relationship like that. If you have the ability to leave. 0:19:20.320 --> 0:19:22.520 Is the person do you think? I mean, I'm sure 0:19:22.560 --> 0:19:25.520 it's case my case, But like when the contempt shows 0:19:25.600 --> 0:19:31.000 up or that contemptuous behavior, but similar to a narcissist, 0:19:31.080 --> 0:19:34.320 which I'm not saying just because you're contemptious in a 0:19:34.359 --> 0:19:38.200 relationship doesn't mean you're a narcissist, right, But like narcissists 0:19:38.240 --> 0:19:41.840