1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:01,800 Speaker 1: Bert Kreischer is hanging out in the studio. 2 00:00:01,840 --> 00:00:04,640 Speaker 2: He's at Zany's tonight and tomorrow night, and off the 3 00:00:04,680 --> 00:00:07,720 Speaker 2: air we started talking about boy scouts and everything and 4 00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:10,520 Speaker 2: growing up soft and grown up soft. So I did 5 00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:13,119 Speaker 2: a Pinewood derby with my son. Of course, when you 6 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:16,480 Speaker 2: lose a car, what happened? You go to the loser's bracket, 7 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:18,479 Speaker 2: loser's bracket, So I was calling it the loser's bracket. 8 00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:19,320 Speaker 1: A parent came up and. 9 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,840 Speaker 2: Was like, Ah, can you please stop calling it a 10 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:23,439 Speaker 2: loser's bracket because my son's hurt. 11 00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:25,360 Speaker 1: His feelings are hurt, and he think he's calling him 12 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:25,800 Speaker 1: a loser. 13 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:28,560 Speaker 3: Yep, my daughter I went out to her. I ended 14 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:30,520 Speaker 3: up talking about this in my next special, the one 15 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:34,519 Speaker 3: coming out in this fall on Netflix. It's called Some 16 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:38,320 Speaker 3: Secret Time the Uh my daughter. I went to my 17 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:41,919 Speaker 3: daughter's practice of softball practice and the coach was practicing 18 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:44,120 Speaker 3: without a ball, and I thought he had a mom 19 00:00:44,159 --> 00:00:47,560 Speaker 3: position no ball, And I said to the moms, where's 20 00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:50,400 Speaker 3: the ball? And she said, coach doesn't want to introduce 21 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:52,760 Speaker 3: failure this early in the season, so he's gonna let 22 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:55,040 Speaker 3: them get some confidence under the belt learn the play. 23 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:57,240 Speaker 3: So he's got him out there running place runners off first. 24 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:01,880 Speaker 3: A second ground ball, Lily nor Frompkin fields it at 25 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:04,440 Speaker 3: third base, perfectly steps on third, throws it to second, 26 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,600 Speaker 3: She catches it, throws it at first. Triple play. Girls 27 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,040 Speaker 3: bring it in and you scored a triple play. They're 28 00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:11,520 Speaker 3: all celebrating. I'm like, wait, I think the ball is 29 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:14,360 Speaker 3: really important in the game. My daughter is in center field. 30 00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:17,880 Speaker 3: Coach He's like, all right, bass is loaded. Fly ball 31 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:23,240 Speaker 3: the island. And I watched my daughter immediately start backing 32 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,160 Speaker 3: up and then look over her head and start running 33 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:28,840 Speaker 3: like it flew over her head. Who fails in their 34 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:33,480 Speaker 3: own imagination? My daughter, even when the chips are in 35 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,119 Speaker 3: her favor, still blew it and then threw her glove 36 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:37,920 Speaker 3: in the air, like screw it, and like walked away 37 00:01:37,959 --> 00:01:39,959 Speaker 3: from the play. I called my wife immediately. I go, 38 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:42,039 Speaker 3: you are never gonna believe what your moron daughter did. 39 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:45,160 Speaker 3: Told her, and my wife said, don't make fun of her. 40 00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:46,840 Speaker 3: She goes, don't make fun of her. That's her beautiful 41 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,760 Speaker 3: little brain. You know you don't want to break it. 42 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:50,560 Speaker 3: Because when I was a kid, I got if I 43 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:52,680 Speaker 3: did something like that, I got mocked by my dad. Right, 44 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:57,800 Speaker 3: I remember playing baseball. I was I was probably eleven 45 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:01,640 Speaker 3: years old, and we had two drunk brothers who who 46 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:03,760 Speaker 3: had kids on our team. One had two sons on 47 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,120 Speaker 3: our team. That's how redneck these were. They had two 48 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:09,720 Speaker 3: sons in the same age division, okay, Irish twins. The 49 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:13,079 Speaker 3: two brothers and another and they were drunk and they 50 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:17,680 Speaker 3: were betting a steak dinner that they could. One brother said, 51 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,760 Speaker 3: I got a steak dinner, says Chrysler can catch the 52 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:23,840 Speaker 3: ball anything you hit by him. And the other the 53 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,440 Speaker 3: other drunk coach is like, I got a steak dinner, 54 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:28,480 Speaker 3: says I can get the ball pass Chrischer. And so 55 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:32,160 Speaker 3: I'm at third base and they are grown men full 56 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:35,640 Speaker 3: cuts at me, and I'm like, what, I have no 57 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:37,440 Speaker 3: horse in this race, Like, I don't care if either 58 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:39,960 Speaker 3: of you get a steak dinner. And they are rocketing 59 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:41,920 Speaker 3: balls at me. That's how I grew up. That's how 60 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,040 Speaker 3: I grew up. I didn't get the like I wish 61 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:46,200 Speaker 3: I had the softness. I'm not saying there's anything wrong 62 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:49,040 Speaker 3: with the softness, but man, I would love it. I 63 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:49,720 Speaker 3: would love it. 64 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:51,040 Speaker 1: And you know, and that's the thing is, I've got 65 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:51,480 Speaker 1: two boys. 66 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:54,959 Speaker 2: I've got a twelve year old and a fourteen month old, 67 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,400 Speaker 2: and it's just crazy because I coached his baseball team 68 00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:59,639 Speaker 2: and the parents kind of were like, you know, kid, 69 00:02:59,639 --> 00:03:02,000 Speaker 2: glove it. I was like, no, you learned by taking 70 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,520 Speaker 2: a dinger to the chest and you get up and 71 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:04,520 Speaker 2: walk it off, dude. 72 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:06,960 Speaker 3: When I was when I was a freshman in kaya 73 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,560 Speaker 3: high school and now my daughter's thirty to my oldest 74 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,560 Speaker 3: is thirteen. She's gonna be a freshman next year. When 75 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:13,200 Speaker 3: I was a freshman in high school, I made the 76 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:16,840 Speaker 3: baseball team. I was a catcher and in order, like 77 00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:20,560 Speaker 3: I didn't even I caught bullpen and I caught batting practice, 78 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:24,040 Speaker 3: and then for my practice, what they did is they 79 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:26,560 Speaker 3: tied my hands behind my back, put me in full gear, 80 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:29,440 Speaker 3: and got the pitching machine on the mound and just 81 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:31,320 Speaker 3: shot balls into the ground and I had to block 82 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:33,360 Speaker 3: them with my body. Right. That's that is by the way, 83 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:36,000 Speaker 3: that's probably child abuse now, I mean, by the way, 84 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:39,400 Speaker 3: I definitely felt like child abuse then. But it's amazing 85 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:42,600 Speaker 3: how like how soft And by the way, I'm not 86 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:46,000 Speaker 3: against softness, you know, like like I would have liked 87 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:47,840 Speaker 3: it a little bit as a kid, but man, I 88 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:48,680 Speaker 3: didn't go up that way. 89 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:49,400 Speaker 1: No, I don't think. 90 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:51,800 Speaker 2: I think that's the difference between you know, our generation 91 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:52,640 Speaker 2: and an honest new one. 92 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:54,800 Speaker 1: It's like it's you've got to kig glove everything. 93 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:57,360 Speaker 2: You can't say you know that stinks because then it's 94 00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:59,080 Speaker 2: like they just all of a sudden go to the 95 00:03:59,080 --> 00:03:59,720 Speaker 2: office direction. 96 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:03,800 Speaker 3: And someone was talking to me about kids being on 97 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:05,760 Speaker 3: cell phones. You like, you kid on a cell phone? Yeah, 98 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,040 Speaker 3: my kids on cell phones. But here's the upside is 99 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:09,960 Speaker 3: they haven't let any of their friends on fire. Like 100 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:12,480 Speaker 3: without cell phones, I got into a lot of trouble, 101 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:13,880 Speaker 3: Like I would have loved to have a cell phone 102 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,680 Speaker 3: every now and then. Do you remember breaking up a 103 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:18,039 Speaker 3: Roman candle and being like, what happens when you light it? 104 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:20,400 Speaker 3: And it's just gunpowder? It's just gun and it's the. 105 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:22,160 Speaker 1: Stupidest thing, and then you probably lose your thumb later 106 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:22,600 Speaker 1: down the road. 107 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:26,280 Speaker 3: But I caught my junk on fire with gunpowder. I 108 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:29,400 Speaker 3: was sitting legs wide open in a garage, no cell phones, 109 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,119 Speaker 3: no cell phones. I would have loved to been playing 110 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,760 Speaker 3: an app. Oh yeah, but I would just lit gunpowder 111 00:04:33,839 --> 00:04:36,240 Speaker 3: on fire and lit my pants on fire. Caught my 112 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:39,160 Speaker 3: junk on fire. Dude, my kids haven't letten anyone on fire. 113 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,160 Speaker 2: No, that's the thing with cell phones. It's you know, 114 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,240 Speaker 2: my kid is glued to a cell phone. But you know, 115 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,520 Speaker 2: growing up, we had roman candle wars and you'd shoot 116 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:48,359 Speaker 2: them at each other. And I had a guy, a 117 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,240 Speaker 2: friend of ours, got shot in the eye, took one 118 00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:51,920 Speaker 2: to the eye, lost his eye. But he's still back 119 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:53,640 Speaker 2: the next year shooting roman candles at each other. 120 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:56,000 Speaker 3: It's, uh, it's we're you know, we just sound like 121 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,200 Speaker 3: old men. Yeah, we just sound like old men. And 122 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:01,360 Speaker 3: we're not old men. Old men sound like old men. 123 00:05:01,839 --> 00:05:04,840 Speaker 3: Like we're just sound like we're Like I just read 124 00:05:04,839 --> 00:05:08,599 Speaker 3: an article my uncle sent me about technology is gonna 125 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,720 Speaker 3: be the problem with this country that we're too called it. 126 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:13,440 Speaker 3: Did you see the one? Did you see the one 127 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,279 Speaker 3: about the little girl? Not Lou, I said little girl 128 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:18,719 Speaker 3: only because she's like seventeen who wore the Chinese dresses. 129 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:21,120 Speaker 1: Yes, and people start flipping. 130 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:23,200 Speaker 3: Out, flipping out, by the way, here's what's crazy is 131 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:27,000 Speaker 3: they went to China and interviewed Chinese people from China, 132 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:29,240 Speaker 3: showed them the picture and all they said was, oh, 133 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:31,440 Speaker 3: that's beautiful. That's all they said. No, one, No one 134 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:34,599 Speaker 3: was offended. No one called cultural appropriation. And the one 135 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,159 Speaker 3: dude that did call co cultural appropriation. Did you see 136 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:40,679 Speaker 3: this h He wrote, my culture is not your effing 137 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:44,000 Speaker 3: prom dress. That is an Asian guy. He wrote that 138 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:45,880 Speaker 3: that was and it went crazy. One hundred and fifty 139 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,640 Speaker 3: thousand people liked it. They did a deep dive on 140 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:52,280 Speaker 3: his timeline. Dude hates black people. Hates them. 141 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:54,560 Speaker 1: That's that's it's the thing that they go through. 142 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:57,200 Speaker 3: And he's been going and he's been saying racist things 143 00:05:57,200 --> 00:06:01,560 Speaker 3: on his Twitter throughout. They went like he was like, uh, 144 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,040 Speaker 3: as a youth, I did say some messed up things. 145 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:07,280 Speaker 3: It was January January. He wrote, why are n words 146 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:10,080 Speaker 3: so loud? That's what he wrote that. By the way, 147 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,920 Speaker 3: there's no way to cut that. That's racist. 148 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:14,279 Speaker 1: You can't delete it and it's there forever. 149 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:18,160 Speaker 3: So man, I just I think, you know, the accountability 150 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:21,120 Speaker 3: these kids think they can throw out their opinions online 151 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,440 Speaker 3: and just shung shung that. I got no fight with 152 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:26,680 Speaker 3: this kid online. The other day it was as I 153 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:29,640 Speaker 3: think he's a child, he's like twenty or something. Yeah, 154 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:32,520 Speaker 3: And I won't get into it because I don't I 155 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:34,159 Speaker 3: would never want it to come back to him, but 156 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:36,240 Speaker 3: like it bothered me. And then I'm fighting with someone. 157 00:06:36,279 --> 00:06:37,760 Speaker 3: I'm fighting with a bunch of his friends, and they're 158 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,240 Speaker 3: all coming at me, and they're either're young, so they 159 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:41,159 Speaker 3: have plenty of time to like, none of my friends 160 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:42,880 Speaker 3: are gonna jump it on my side. All my friends 161 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,640 Speaker 3: are forty five and fifty and it's then and then 162 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:48,120 Speaker 3: I just apologize, Actually I'm gonna see him. He lives 163 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:50,000 Speaker 3: here in Nashville. And then he'd be like he tweeted 164 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,720 Speaker 3: and he was like, uh man, I've been off my 165 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:53,560 Speaker 3: meds for a while, and I'm just like, oh my god, 166 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:55,800 Speaker 3: I'm fighting with a guy off his meds, Like why. 167 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,640 Speaker 1: This makes it ten times worse than jeez? 168 00:06:57,640 --> 00:06:59,800 Speaker 3: Like yeah, like im now, I'm like, I'm the lunatic, 169 00:06:59,839 --> 00:07:02,679 Speaker 3: Like what do I care social media is? I would 170 00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:04,480 Speaker 3: love to get rid of social media if there was 171 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,640 Speaker 3: an apocalypse, and I'm not saying I want one. I'm 172 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,840 Speaker 3: cool with it. I have guns. I'll be fine, buy 173 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,240 Speaker 3: a couple of rabbits and we'll live off rabbits, chicken eggs, 174 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,680 Speaker 3: and guns. But if there was an apocalypse, the one 175 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,960 Speaker 3: thing I would welcome is the disappearance of social media. 176 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:17,760 Speaker 3: I would welcome it. 177 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,000 Speaker 1: I am right there with you on that one and all. 178 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:22,680 Speaker 1: Speaking of social media, where can people find you? 179 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:25,520 Speaker 3: At Bert Kreischer, even to Burt Burt Burt dot com, 180 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:28,080 Speaker 3: you can find everything. My Instagram's Burt Kreischer, My Twitter's 181 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,200 Speaker 3: Burt Kreischer, my Facebook, Burt Kreischer. 182 00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:30,280 Speaker 1: My guest. 183 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,240 Speaker 2: Burt Kreischer is hanging out in studio right now. He's 184 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:34,960 Speaker 2: got two shows tonight at Zany's, two shows tomorrow night. 185 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:38,280 Speaker 1: Now, let's jump into this. I've been brushing up on 186 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,240 Speaker 1: some stuff. Will Smith's story. 187 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:42,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, tell me about that, because some people don't know 188 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:45,640 Speaker 2: this story. I want to hear this again from your mouth. 189 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:48,920 Speaker 3: So I was working the door at the Boston Comedy 190 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:52,280 Speaker 3: Club like six months and Will Smith's people came in 191 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:54,400 Speaker 3: to see a show. The manager of the owner of 192 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:57,240 Speaker 3: the club, Berry Katz, put me up and they loved me, 193 00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:59,320 Speaker 3: and they're like, we want to do a television deal. 194 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:01,239 Speaker 3: That's like a six bigger deals, a lot of money, 195 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:02,800 Speaker 3: a lot of money, then a lot of money now 196 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:05,320 Speaker 3: and they're like you got to meet Will though it's 197 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:07,000 Speaker 3: his company. I was like, well, they're like Will Smith. 198 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,800 Speaker 3: They're like, he's up at the recording studio. Come by 199 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:11,360 Speaker 3: tomorrow meet him and if he likes you, we'll do 200 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:14,800 Speaker 3: this six six figure deal. And I was like, donell 201 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:18,240 Speaker 3: call my dad, told my dad, my dad's excited. Go 202 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,080 Speaker 3: up to the I think it's called the hit Factory, 203 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,320 Speaker 3: you know, in a in a big dance studio, Like 204 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,800 Speaker 3: there's a it's like a rehearsal dance studio, two folding 205 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,760 Speaker 3: chairs in the center. I sit down and one Will 206 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,920 Speaker 3: Smith comes in sits down in the other. All I 207 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:34,040 Speaker 3: can tell you is that he is a hurricane of personality. 208 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,360 Speaker 3: Like you you know when people go the hit factor. 209 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,600 Speaker 3: He's got it. Like he gave me a hug. All 210 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:42,000 Speaker 3: I remember him saying was one love. He goes one love, 211 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:43,599 Speaker 3: gave me a hug, And I was on. I was 212 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,520 Speaker 3: like cause I wanted this television deal. And by the way, 213 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:47,440 Speaker 3: I'm a huge old Smiths fan and I'm a huge 214 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,360 Speaker 3: hip hop fan and so like I am like right 215 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,240 Speaker 3: off the bottom, like I love you, I love Hippy, 216 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,240 Speaker 3: I love Biggie, I love Yeah. Like I'm fangirling out. 217 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:56,200 Speaker 3: Tell me who killed Biggie? Who killed tupac Ra? Do 218 00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:57,520 Speaker 3: you listen to Juvenile? What do you think of the 219 00:08:57,559 --> 00:08:59,800 Speaker 3: hot boys. What do you think about Lil Wayne? Really like, 220 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,800 Speaker 3: We're literally going off and we talked for an hour. 221 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,679 Speaker 3: I talk for an hour. I don't think he even talked. 222 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:05,959 Speaker 3: And then at the end of the hour, he goes, 223 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:07,640 Speaker 3: I like you. I go I like you. He's like, 224 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:09,480 Speaker 3: what are you doing tonight? I go nothing. He's like, 225 00:09:09,559 --> 00:09:12,840 Speaker 3: let's go to the movies. And I was like, okay, right, 226 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,199 Speaker 3: and he was like it was weird, like let's go 227 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:15,319 Speaker 3: to the movies. And I was like all right, and 228 00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:16,920 Speaker 3: he's like me and me a planet Hollywood at seven. 229 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,480 Speaker 3: I was like, all right, So I leave, I get 230 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:22,160 Speaker 3: in a cab. I go back to my house, my apartment. 231 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,240 Speaker 3: I call my dad and I go. He goes, how 232 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:26,760 Speaker 3: to go. I go great, He's like what did he say? 233 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,559 Speaker 3: I go on, We're going to the movies. My Dad's 234 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:32,040 Speaker 3: like on a date. I go no, and he goes, wait, 235 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:34,480 Speaker 3: what do you mean? I go no, and he goes, oh, buddy, 236 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:38,880 Speaker 3: I'm sorry. This is very popular in Hollywood. These guys 237 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:41,120 Speaker 3: have sex with so many women that they get tired 238 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,360 Speaker 3: of women, and the only thing that turns them on 239 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:45,920 Speaker 3: is a boy. Like to get a boy who's not gay, 240 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,600 Speaker 3: and trick them out. It's called the casting couch, very popular. 241 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,880 Speaker 3: I go what and he goes, no, it's true. He goes, 242 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:52,920 Speaker 3: I've heard about it. It's all the men and all 243 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:55,400 Speaker 3: the really big celebrities are all gay, and he's gay. 244 00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:56,959 Speaker 3: He just wants to have sex with you. And I went, Dad, 245 00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,719 Speaker 3: that's impossible. He goes, what's more possible the fact that 246 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,240 Speaker 3: you are so talented that within six months of doing 247 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:04,960 Speaker 3: stand up the biggest movie star in the world wants 248 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:07,400 Speaker 3: to make a TV show about you, or that he's 249 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:08,960 Speaker 3: tired of women and he wants to have sex with you. 250 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,360 Speaker 3: And I'm like, oh my god, what do I do? 251 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:11,719 Speaker 1: Completely ruined your night? 252 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,000 Speaker 3: I go what do I do? And he goes, buddy, 253 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:16,200 Speaker 3: you show up? He goes, uh uh, you show up? 254 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,440 Speaker 3: That's I'm your dad. I'm just warning you this could 255 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,800 Speaker 3: be a possibility. Like that's just things that happen in Hollywood. 256 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,760 Speaker 3: So I show up. I go to Plant Hollywood. I 257 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:26,200 Speaker 3: get there, like seven, right on the nose, and I 258 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:27,679 Speaker 3: look in and I'm like, hey's Will Smith here, And 259 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:29,320 Speaker 3: they're like, oh yeah. In the back. I was like, 260 00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:31,280 Speaker 3: oh really. I go back. It's a mannequin of him. 261 00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:33,280 Speaker 3: I go, no, like the real Will Smith. And the 262 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:34,439 Speaker 3: woman looks at me and he goes and this is 263 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:36,400 Speaker 3: the first time I realized it. She goes, hey, man, 264 00:10:36,559 --> 00:10:39,480 Speaker 3: celebrities don't hang out at Planning Hollywood, and I was like, yeah, 265 00:10:39,559 --> 00:10:41,040 Speaker 3: why would we. I go, I'm supposed to see a 266 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:42,800 Speaker 3: movie with him here. She's like, we don't have a 267 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:44,800 Speaker 3: movie theater and I was like, yeah, this is none 268 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:46,920 Speaker 3: of this is making sense to me. All of a sudden, 269 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:50,360 Speaker 3: I'm the door opens and a six foot seven, three 270 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:53,080 Speaker 3: hundred and fifty pounds black man named Charlie Mack looks out, 271 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:56,960 Speaker 3: sees me and he goes, you, Burt. I was like, yeah, 272 00:10:57,080 --> 00:11:00,360 Speaker 3: he's like downstairs. Now I'm thinking I gotta have sex 273 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,880 Speaker 3: with him too, like that they're already mentally preparing you. 274 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,600 Speaker 3: I'm like, for this, I'm gonna have sex with Charlie 275 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,840 Speaker 3: Mack will Smith. And then I get down there and 276 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,040 Speaker 3: it's ten black dudes in a small room probably as 277 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:12,720 Speaker 3: big as this, uh curtain velvet curtain, red velvet curtain 278 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:15,360 Speaker 3: on all the on all walls, folding table in the center. 279 00:11:15,559 --> 00:11:16,959 Speaker 3: And I'm thinking, I got a sex with these ten 280 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:19,240 Speaker 3: black guys and Charlie Mack and Will Smith. I'm sure 281 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,439 Speaker 3: he's bringing Jazzy Jeff. That's thirteen. But like, where do 282 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:23,000 Speaker 3: I start. I'm sure I start with Charlie Mack. Let 283 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:25,120 Speaker 3: him loose me up, then go around, you know. Yeah, 284 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,000 Speaker 3: and maybe I'll start with Will. He's the big guy, 285 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:30,400 Speaker 3: you know. I'm literally no one's making eye contact with me, 286 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,120 Speaker 3: no one's talking to me. They're all talking to each other. 287 00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:34,520 Speaker 3: But like in whispers, I am looking at my feet. 288 00:11:34,559 --> 00:11:36,240 Speaker 3: I am staring at my feet. When Will Smith comes 289 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:39,480 Speaker 3: in down the stairs with Jazzy Jeff, swear to God, 290 00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:43,360 Speaker 3: sees me and he goes, guys, this is Burt and 291 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,120 Speaker 3: everyone's like, oh, He's like this is the guy, and 292 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:47,480 Speaker 3: they all start walking to me. I'm like, all right, 293 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,520 Speaker 3: maybe I'll start off on my knees, you know, work, work, 294 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:51,439 Speaker 3: work my way up, And all of a sudden, the 295 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:55,520 Speaker 3: curtains behind me open and a huge uh private movie 296 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,640 Speaker 3: theater is behind me, and Will goes, grab a seats. 297 00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,360 Speaker 3: I'm gonna grab a strings. What do you want. I 298 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:01,080 Speaker 3: was like, A long, I see and he was like great, 299 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:05,400 Speaker 3: I'll grab two, grab two seats and we watched American Pie. Yeah, 300 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,440 Speaker 3: and then at the end he was like, what did 301 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:09,160 Speaker 3: you think? And it was weird watching a comedy with 302 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,559 Speaker 3: a guy you were about to do a comedy with, 303 00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,480 Speaker 3: because part of me was like, is he testing to 304 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:14,680 Speaker 3: see what I find funny? Like? Where am I? So 305 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,280 Speaker 3: he's like, what did you think? I said it was great? 306 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:18,920 Speaker 3: He's like, what did you think about the room? Like 307 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:22,640 Speaker 3: it's beautiful? He was no, the guys, I'm like, they're 308 00:12:22,679 --> 00:12:26,640 Speaker 3: black and he was like no, the look around. You said, 309 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:30,560 Speaker 3: you're a hip hop fan. That's bis Marquis, that's cool, Mode, Dazzy, Jeff, 310 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,160 Speaker 3: Big Daddy. I'm like, I could have had sex with 311 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:36,560 Speaker 3: Bismo Key. It was And then he was the greatest guy. 312 00:12:36,559 --> 00:12:38,400 Speaker 3: He taught me everything I needed to know in Hollywood. 313 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:41,520 Speaker 3: He in that short period I worked with him and 314 00:12:41,559 --> 00:12:43,600 Speaker 3: he was the most regular guy. At one point, I 315 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:45,400 Speaker 3: was taking a movie out and pitching the movie and 316 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,920 Speaker 3: he called me personally and was like, yo, it's Will. 317 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,880 Speaker 3: I was like hey. He was like, how come you 318 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:52,920 Speaker 3: haven't pitched me the movie? I was like what. He's like, 319 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,640 Speaker 3: why wouldn't you pitch me the movie? I'm I'm the 320 00:12:54,679 --> 00:12:56,400 Speaker 3: biggest hip hop movie star there is, and you got 321 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:58,280 Speaker 3: a hip hop movie and I was like, oh, and 322 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,000 Speaker 3: so I went and pitched it and he said it 323 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:02,120 Speaker 3: at Disney. It almost got made, but Nick Cannon got 324 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:02,720 Speaker 3: backed out of it. 325 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,120 Speaker 1: Oh what what was that movie? 326 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:07,280 Speaker 3: Then? You know what it ended up becoming. I didn't 327 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:10,400 Speaker 3: there's this was the premise. It they these other people 328 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,240 Speaker 3: got that made their own movie, but it was it 329 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:15,160 Speaker 3: was basically get Him to the Greek but with hip hop. Huh. Yeah. 330 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:18,439 Speaker 3: It was a young assistant having to get a hip 331 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:21,160 Speaker 3: hop star who's afraid of flying from New York to Miami. 332 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:22,920 Speaker 3: And so it was a road trip movie. And so 333 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:24,959 Speaker 3: they did all these I wish I could go back 334 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:26,840 Speaker 3: and look at that script. It was pretty great, and 335 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,240 Speaker 3: then they ended it was but it was like cheesy 336 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:32,079 Speaker 3: hip hop like guy like a like a like a 337 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:35,040 Speaker 3: soldier boy, right, so like a guy who did who didn't. 338 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:38,760 Speaker 3: His brand was just cheesy and glittery. And then he 339 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:41,320 Speaker 3: got found his roots on the ride down and turned 340 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,240 Speaker 3: into like a Dave Chappelle, you know, Dave Schapelle found 341 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:43,480 Speaker 3: his room. 342 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:46,920 Speaker 2: Yeah, we've got Brike Karsher in the studio right now. 343 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:49,000 Speaker 3: That was the worst one yet. 344 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:51,840 Speaker 1: What I'm looking over. 345 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:52,640 Speaker 3: Here and it's like there's some. 346 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:54,720 Speaker 1: Chicken scratch over here. That is my bad. 347 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:59,880 Speaker 2: Uh Bert is the best one I've heard yet. 348 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:02,679 Speaker 3: My body said, Tom's girl is this really fat dude, 349 00:14:02,679 --> 00:14:05,800 Speaker 3: like really obese comedian, Like probably the fattest in the 350 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:09,360 Speaker 3: game right now. He he lost too much weight too fast. 351 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,960 Speaker 3: So his breastlawcer integrity, you know what happens to a man. 352 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:15,080 Speaker 3: So he takes a shirt off of he's smuggling stingrays 353 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:18,400 Speaker 3: into the country. So but he always messes up my name, 354 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:20,160 Speaker 3: Brent Crystal's is what he calls it. And that was 355 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:20,720 Speaker 3: and that was the thing. 356 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:23,080 Speaker 2: It's like I sat here on the way into work 357 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:24,400 Speaker 2: as I was doing research. 358 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:25,120 Speaker 1: I kept us saying. 359 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:27,360 Speaker 2: I was like, I guarantee you I'm going to fuck 360 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,000 Speaker 2: his name up super hard. 361 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,760 Speaker 1: Halfway through the interview. 362 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:34,320 Speaker 3: Dude, his Toms girl's wife is a funnier comedian than Tom. 363 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:37,680 Speaker 3: And she changed her name to Christina Peaks. Her last 364 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:39,720 Speaker 3: name was Pajinski, and everyone knows screwed it up. So 365 00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:41,240 Speaker 3: then I said to my wife, maybe I'll do that. 366 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,840 Speaker 3: I'll turn it into Bert K. Or maybe I'll use 367 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:46,600 Speaker 3: my two My name's Albert Charles Kreischer, so maybe I'll 368 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:49,160 Speaker 3: use my middle initial and my last name used those 369 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,880 Speaker 3: Bert's k Okay, I like that one. 370 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:54,720 Speaker 2: So you got two shows tonight at Zany's, two shows 371 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:56,680 Speaker 2: tomorrow night. And one thing that I kind of want 372 00:14:56,680 --> 00:15:00,640 Speaker 2: to know about is uh the story about the Russian 373 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:03,040 Speaker 2: mafia and how you got the nickname the machine. 374 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,680 Speaker 1: Well, if we have time, I mean, we got all 375 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:06,400 Speaker 1: the time in the world. 376 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,880 Speaker 3: To da yeah, yeah, yeah, when yeah, when I was 377 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,680 Speaker 3: twenty two, I got involved with Russian mafia. Yeah, here's 378 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:14,120 Speaker 3: the more interesting way to tell it. You just asked 379 00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:16,280 Speaker 3: me questions and I can tell you the story that way, 380 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:18,640 Speaker 3: as opposed to me reciting a twelve minute story. 381 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:19,480 Speaker 1: So let's do that. 382 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:20,040 Speaker 3: Go ahead. 383 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,920 Speaker 2: So you're you're hanging out with the Russian mafia. I 384 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:26,400 Speaker 2: know the story about you went studied abroad. What was 385 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:28,920 Speaker 2: the whole premises of them giving you the bodyguards for 386 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:29,800 Speaker 2: the Russian mafia? 387 00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:33,200 Speaker 3: So at the time that this is perfect. So at 388 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,760 Speaker 3: the time, the mob ran everything like they ran the 389 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,240 Speaker 3: whole country. It was the wild West over there. They 390 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:41,240 Speaker 3: ran the police like they the mob was in control 391 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:43,240 Speaker 3: of the country because there had always been a black 392 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:47,560 Speaker 3: market when when before communism fell, and then once communism fell, 393 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,480 Speaker 3: the black market just took over. There was no one 394 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:52,000 Speaker 3: really to like to police it. And so when we 395 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,320 Speaker 3: got there, they said, we've paid them off to make 396 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:56,040 Speaker 3: sure we're safe, because if they didn't pay them off, 397 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,800 Speaker 3: the mob would just rob us everywhere we went, right, 398 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:01,040 Speaker 3: And so they paid off the mafia and they gave 399 00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:03,400 Speaker 3: us two young gangsters work for that Russian is Bandititi. 400 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:05,920 Speaker 3: They're gonna live with you. They're gonna walk you to class, 401 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,840 Speaker 3: they're gonna walk you back, They're going everywhere with you. 402 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,120 Speaker 3: But they're like, don't talk to them, they're in the mafia, 403 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,640 Speaker 3: like stay away, just give them their space. I was like, 404 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:14,440 Speaker 3: that's not happening. Yeah. I was like, they're gonna be 405 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,320 Speaker 3: my best friends. So the first night I grabbed bottle 406 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:18,600 Speaker 3: vodka and a six pack of Balsk, which is their beer, 407 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:20,400 Speaker 3: and I had planned a sentence. I had worked on 408 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:25,200 Speaker 3: it all day. I was gonna sayuta and YadA boday koshka, 409 00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:27,000 Speaker 3: which means hello, my name is Bert, very nice to 410 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:31,680 Speaker 3: meet you. I work pussy so but what it really 411 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:35,400 Speaker 3: means I work with cats. Anyway, when the door opened, 412 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:37,880 Speaker 3: it was like a real like I knocked on the 413 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:41,160 Speaker 3: door and it's a real Russian gangster, like I mean, 414 00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:44,960 Speaker 3: like like you've seen a movie. He's like wife beater, tattoos, 415 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,880 Speaker 3: track pants, cigarette, just looks at me and just goes 416 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,680 Speaker 3: stoy the way yeah, oh dude. By the way, I'm 417 00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:52,280 Speaker 3: like a frat boy from Florida State, like I'm just 418 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:54,840 Speaker 3: out of going to widespread panic concerts like I got. 419 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:57,040 Speaker 3: I had a fanny pack on, like, and he just 420 00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:58,760 Speaker 3: looked at me like stole, like what do you want? 421 00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,720 Speaker 3: And I panicked, and that's when I tried to say, 422 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:06,439 Speaker 3: I'm the man. In Russian is yam machina, yam machine noo. 423 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:09,040 Speaker 3: But I said yam machina, which means I'm the machine, 424 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:12,600 Speaker 3: and he laughed. I didn't know what I said, but 425 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,199 Speaker 3: as soon as I said it, he started laughing and 426 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,600 Speaker 3: brought me in and all these guys, all the mobs 427 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,440 Speaker 3: in there, and he's like tell them again, and I said, 428 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:20,120 Speaker 3: I'm the machine and they laughed and they're like, here's 429 00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,919 Speaker 3: the machine. Oh. And and in the fanny pack, I 430 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:26,320 Speaker 3: had lemon sugar and a pocketknife because we were gonna 431 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,239 Speaker 3: do lemon drops. And I pulled the lemon out and 432 00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,240 Speaker 3: I cut it and they had never seen a lemon 433 00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,960 Speaker 3: drop in their life. They're pulling shots of vodka and 434 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:37,560 Speaker 3: I'm making lemon drops and they're like huh. And then 435 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:41,199 Speaker 3: Igor said, oh the machine runs on lemons, and the 436 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:44,200 Speaker 3: place went nuts, and so they loved me. 437 00:17:44,359 --> 00:17:49,879 Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, okay, let's go to your show, Trip Flip 438 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:50,640 Speaker 2: and everything else. 439 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:54,160 Speaker 1: The craziest thing you did on there? What was your favorite? 440 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:56,520 Speaker 3: A favorite? Yes, well I walked away from that show 441 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,879 Speaker 3: with PTSD, so I don't know if it's yeah, I 442 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:04,359 Speaker 3: walked away from that network going like shaken, not trusting anyone. 443 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:05,960 Speaker 1: Say hey, we got you to do this thing. 444 00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:08,679 Speaker 3: And no, Trip Lip was fun. The first year was 445 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:10,680 Speaker 3: triple It was really fun. The second year was really fun. 446 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,919 Speaker 3: It was always fun. It was always fun. But you 447 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:17,760 Speaker 3: just here's the thing I always say people. People don't 448 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:20,080 Speaker 3: understand it's a TV show. It's not a real vacation, 449 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:23,240 Speaker 3: so like it's everyone's in production mode. So for instance, 450 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:26,520 Speaker 3: my first open water dive is in Fiji, and and 451 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:28,919 Speaker 3: we get out there and there's a huge storm. It's 452 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:32,800 Speaker 3: like ten foot seas small craft advisory, but we have 453 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:35,760 Speaker 3: to shoot it. We're leaving Fiji the next day. We 454 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:38,399 Speaker 3: have a timeline because you can't dive and fly in 455 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:40,800 Speaker 3: the same day, so we have to do this dive 456 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:44,760 Speaker 3: that day. Yeah, ten foot seas were in a steel boat, 457 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:48,679 Speaker 3: like a metal boat, lightning everywhere, and they're like, let's go. 458 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:50,359 Speaker 3: Everyone in the water now, everyone in the water now. 459 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,080 Speaker 3: I mean there's no fun to it. So like you 460 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:53,760 Speaker 3: get in the water and then you dive down and 461 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:55,800 Speaker 3: they're like time all right, time, everybody up, and then 462 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:57,600 Speaker 3: you go back up and then like down, down, down, 463 00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,720 Speaker 3: and so there was no fun in the Like I 464 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,560 Speaker 3: said one of my friends, I hate scuba diving, and 465 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,200 Speaker 3: he's like, how can you hate scuba diving? I said, 466 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,960 Speaker 3: because it's always just not fun. Because I've never had 467 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,000 Speaker 3: a scuba dive trip where they were like, uh, you. 468 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,800 Speaker 1: Can actually scuba dive, or they. 469 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:11,280 Speaker 3: Say what do you want to do? Like I remember 470 00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:14,440 Speaker 3: one time we had to go to like seventy feet 471 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:17,159 Speaker 3: and sit with a whale shark for an hour, and 472 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,800 Speaker 3: I was just like this sucks. Like you're just sitting 473 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:22,280 Speaker 3: down there and they're just shooting b roll, they're shooting you, 474 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,520 Speaker 3: and you're just sitting there doing the same thing. You're 475 00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:27,399 Speaker 3: not really like DoD like it's cool for like five minutes, 476 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,560 Speaker 3: ten minutes, but for an hour with a whale shark. 477 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,520 Speaker 3: You're like, you start getting panic, going, I can't get 478 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,360 Speaker 3: out of here. Everything was like that. Everything was like that. 479 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,000 Speaker 3: Is that I'm surprised more people don't get hurt on 480 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,760 Speaker 3: television shows because I remember one time I jumped off 481 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,679 Speaker 3: the Corona Arch. It's a big arch out in the 482 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:47,400 Speaker 3: in the in the Utah. Yeah, And what they do 483 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:50,280 Speaker 3: is they hook a rope on one side and then 484 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,680 Speaker 3: they drag it up under the arch, and then they 485 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,000 Speaker 3: pull it to the top of the arch and then 486 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,720 Speaker 3: they harness you into the rope. So when you jump, 487 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,879 Speaker 3: you swing under the arch. Right, it's like one hundred 488 00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,880 Speaker 3: and eighty feet. I went and put on a helmet 489 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:04,760 Speaker 3: and the guy who was who had rigged it up, 490 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:07,480 Speaker 3: Creighton baired is his name. He goes, I wouldn't wear that. 491 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,359 Speaker 3: I said, well, no, I just I want to wear 492 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:10,960 Speaker 3: it for safety. I don't care about what it looks like. 493 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,800 Speaker 3: He goes, no, I'm I wouldn't wear it for that either, 494 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:15,600 Speaker 3: because if you do, if it doesn't work, you don't 495 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:17,720 Speaker 3: want to live through it. You just just dive in. 496 00:20:18,119 --> 00:20:20,480 Speaker 3: And I went, huh, He's like, yeah, you don't like 497 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,200 Speaker 3: trust me. If you wear a helmet, you might survive 498 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:23,879 Speaker 3: and then you're gonna be sitting out here dying for 499 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:28,080 Speaker 3: an hour. Just die. Wow, you're like WHOA like that? 500 00:20:28,359 --> 00:20:32,639 Speaker 3: By the way, that happened once a week, definitely in 501 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:35,200 Speaker 3: my life for seven years, but it sometimes happened three 502 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:37,680 Speaker 3: times a day. I had a day where I repelled 503 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:41,120 Speaker 3: off a table mountain, I swam with great white sharks 504 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:43,920 Speaker 3: and jumped off the world's tall at stadium in one day. 505 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:46,960 Speaker 3: In one day, I did all that. Swam with great 506 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:52,000 Speaker 3: white sharks right biting out of the cage. The visibility 507 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,840 Speaker 3: was very bad, so you couldn't see the shark until 508 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,520 Speaker 3: it bit onto the cage, much like a shark attack. 509 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:58,520 Speaker 3: So you'd be out of. 510 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:00,919 Speaker 1: Nobody sitting there and you're peeing your Pantsay, oh I am. 511 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,679 Speaker 3: I peed in my wetsuit so much because it's and 512 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:06,440 Speaker 3: it's rough seas and so you're trying to hold onto 513 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,720 Speaker 3: the cage, right, but you don't want to hold onto 514 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:10,600 Speaker 3: the shark might bite your fingers off, and all of 515 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:13,040 Speaker 3: a sudden, the shark just hunk bites on the cage 516 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:16,479 Speaker 3: and you're the cage is only like this wide, like right, 517 00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:18,439 Speaker 3: it's not big it's two feet and it goes all 518 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:20,640 Speaker 3: along the side of the boat, so it's like it's 519 00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,639 Speaker 3: literally like a sidewalk that you go into and you 520 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:26,800 Speaker 3: just dive down and then sharks are biting it like crazy, 521 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:28,399 Speaker 3: a repell of table mountain, and then I jump off 522 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:31,280 Speaker 3: the world's tallest stadium. I got done that day, and 523 00:21:31,359 --> 00:21:34,440 Speaker 3: I remember being like shaking, going like do I get drunk? 524 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:35,880 Speaker 3: Do I masturbate? Like how do I end this day? 525 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,600 Speaker 3: Like there's got to be something like I can't just 526 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:41,040 Speaker 3: go to bed. And so when I got done, there 527 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:44,200 Speaker 3: was a lot of like where you're just like, yeah, 528 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:47,000 Speaker 3: I'm like my wife got me into therapy, and I 529 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:48,719 Speaker 3: was telling him like stuff I did, and he was like, 530 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,119 Speaker 3: he goes, you know, I've never once jumped out of 531 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,320 Speaker 3: a plane, and then let alone like, I've never once 532 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:56,200 Speaker 3: bungee jumped. I bungee jumped one time and they couldn't 533 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:59,040 Speaker 3: get the shot. I'd jump bungee jump four times because 534 00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:01,760 Speaker 3: they couldn't get the shot right, So four times, just 535 00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:03,760 Speaker 3: back to back to back to back to back, like 536 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,280 Speaker 3: and I don't like that, so that it really messes 537 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:09,760 Speaker 3: with your head. Having said that, it was really a 538 00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:13,840 Speaker 3: great experience to travel the world four times over and 539 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:15,840 Speaker 3: it was really fun. In January, you get a phone 540 00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:17,520 Speaker 3: call and they go name thirteen places you want to 541 00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:19,159 Speaker 3: go in the world, and I remember being like, I 542 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:20,600 Speaker 3: want to go to Zanza Bar. I don't know anything 543 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,080 Speaker 3: about Zanza Bar. Let's go to Zanza Bar. Should have 544 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:25,200 Speaker 3: done some research. It's a Muslim country. They don't drink, 545 00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:28,400 Speaker 3: so there's nothing. Well, they just couldn't get a beard. 546 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,040 Speaker 3: At our hotels, they had a sports bar and they 547 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:31,679 Speaker 3: didn't serve alcohol. And I was like, it's not a 548 00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:33,640 Speaker 3: sports bar, then, don't even call it. It's a restaurant. 549 00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:36,320 Speaker 3: Don't call it a sports bar. But uh, but yeah, 550 00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:40,160 Speaker 3: it was. It was interesting to say the least. 551 00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:44,480 Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, my guess Bert Kreischer is here. Wow, I 552 00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:47,239 Speaker 2: know it's hanging out in the studio right now. Two 553 00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:49,879 Speaker 2: shows tonight is Zanny's two shows tomorrow night. Can we 554 00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:53,040 Speaker 2: talk real quick about the bear story? Because I remember 555 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:56,600 Speaker 2: I've heard the story before about how you're then. 556 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:58,880 Speaker 1: This was the film was there, but now she's your wife. 557 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:01,800 Speaker 3: Christ This was the first show I ever had that 558 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:05,359 Speaker 3: started what is the therapy I'm going through now? Because 559 00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:08,919 Speaker 3: it was a show this is before Jackass, mind you. 560 00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,119 Speaker 3: The premise of the show was I take a dangerous 561 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:13,600 Speaker 3: job every day. Every day I take a new dangerous job. 562 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:15,760 Speaker 3: So I was a wildlife photographer for great white sharks 563 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:18,920 Speaker 3: out of the cage. I was a professional football player. 564 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:21,320 Speaker 3: I was an MMA fighter. I fought four graces at once. 565 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:24,119 Speaker 3: And then and then one day they called up and 566 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:25,440 Speaker 3: they're like, hey, do you want to fight a bear? 567 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:27,480 Speaker 3: And I was like what? And then do you want 568 00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:28,639 Speaker 3: to fight a bear? I was like, who does that 569 00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:30,520 Speaker 3: for a living? And they're like, you do on Thursday. 570 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:33,040 Speaker 3: So I show up and it is a nine foot 571 00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:37,119 Speaker 3: grizzly bear. It is a real bear. And I go 572 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:38,520 Speaker 3: over and I put my hand in front of its 573 00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:41,360 Speaker 3: snout so we can smell my scent. And the trainer goes, 574 00:23:41,359 --> 00:23:43,360 Speaker 3: what are you doing. I go, I'm letting him get 575 00:23:43,359 --> 00:23:45,159 Speaker 3: my scent. He goes, this is a grizzly bear, not 576 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:48,000 Speaker 3: a labordoodle. He goes, we have a protocol, and he 577 00:23:48,119 --> 00:23:51,400 Speaker 3: hands me five marshmallows. He was listening when the bear 578 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,640 Speaker 3: is not looking, Take a marshmallow, put in your mouth, 579 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:55,560 Speaker 3: then walk in front of the bear, show him the 580 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:59,120 Speaker 3: marshmallow like all and allow him the opportunity to take 581 00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:01,320 Speaker 3: the marshmallow out of your mouth with his mouth. This 582 00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:03,600 Speaker 3: way I'll learn to trust you. And I was like, no, 583 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:06,520 Speaker 3: screw that. Whose idea is this? The bears? I go, 584 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,919 Speaker 3: I don't that's I'm not I'm not doing that, and 585 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,280 Speaker 3: he goes, this is how we do it. My whole 586 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:12,719 Speaker 3: crew is like they don't even care. Like now, I 587 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:14,239 Speaker 3: know that, but at the time you're like, oh, I'm 588 00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:16,560 Speaker 3: sure they worry about me. But in actuality, they're like, oh, 589 00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:18,800 Speaker 3: if he gets mulled by a bear, that's great footage, right, 590 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:20,840 Speaker 3: So I do it. Put a marshmallow in my mouth, 591 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:22,919 Speaker 3: walk in front of the bear like a hooker. I'm like, 592 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:26,720 Speaker 3: palm bear sees the marshmallow and lights up. He's like 593 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:31,400 Speaker 3: and comes over and tongues it out of my mouth 594 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:32,960 Speaker 3: like a frat boy trying to close the deal at 595 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:37,400 Speaker 3: two am, like just a great Bears never brush their teeth. 596 00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:39,960 Speaker 3: I'm making out with a homeless person five times, and 597 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:42,440 Speaker 3: I five times I made out with a bear. Get done. 598 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,159 Speaker 3: The trainer goes, all right, we're ready. I go, hold on, 599 00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:46,680 Speaker 3: I haven't learned anything. He goes, You've learned the most 600 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:49,320 Speaker 3: important lesson. So what's that? And he goes, the bear 601 00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:53,920 Speaker 3: likes marshmallows. How's that gonna help me? He goes. When 602 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:56,000 Speaker 3: the bear's not, he goes, if you get in trouble, 603 00:24:56,200 --> 00:25:00,679 Speaker 3: does very confidently say marshmallow. And what what happen is 604 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:02,800 Speaker 3: the bear will know you're gonna do your marshmallow trick 605 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:05,879 Speaker 3: and he give him some space. More importantly, we'll hear that, 606 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:07,359 Speaker 3: and we'll know you're in trouble. We'll get you out 607 00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:09,200 Speaker 3: of there. I was like, yeah, but he thinks they're 608 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:10,600 Speaker 3: inside of me? Like what if? He's like, oh, I 609 00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:12,600 Speaker 3: know where you keep him and opens me up. He's like, 610 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:16,119 Speaker 3: you'll be fine, let's go, and the bear super quick 611 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:19,000 Speaker 3: just grabs me by both ears and lifts me off 612 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,760 Speaker 3: the ground. I've never felt more helpless in my life. 613 00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:25,159 Speaker 3: I am shouting Marshmallow, marshmallow, but no one can hear 614 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:29,080 Speaker 3: me because there's a nine foot grizzly bear going. Everyone's 615 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:32,720 Speaker 3: loving it. Right. Bear drops me, spins me doggy style, 616 00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:34,639 Speaker 3: and wraps me up in a bear hug and is 617 00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:36,879 Speaker 3: grinding on my ass. Now I'm looking at the trainer, 618 00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:40,280 Speaker 3: I'm looking at the crew, I'm looking at everyone going Marshmallow, 619 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:43,800 Speaker 3: get me out of here, marshmallow. Everyone's laughing except for 620 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:46,160 Speaker 3: the trainer. He jumps in front of my eye line, 621 00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:48,720 Speaker 3: like in between me and the camera, and just starts going, 622 00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:51,879 Speaker 3: go limp, go limp. I'm like, please be talking to 623 00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:53,960 Speaker 3: me right now, and not the bear. I hope there's 624 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:56,639 Speaker 3: not a bear cock climbing up my jeans. I go 625 00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,480 Speaker 3: limp right follow the ground. Bear sits on my face. 626 00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:06,240 Speaker 3: It's the last thing I remember, apparently my wife. That's it. 627 00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:08,720 Speaker 3: I'd get dragged under a tree. It's the last thing 628 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:10,040 Speaker 3: I remember. It is a bear sing on my face, 629 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:13,280 Speaker 3: having bear balls in my mouth, and my wife, who's 630 00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,920 Speaker 3: a redneck. My wife's a redneck, right, We've been dating 631 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,119 Speaker 3: like three months. She grabs a marshmallow, puts it in 632 00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:22,399 Speaker 3: her mouth, stands by my feet, goes haunt the bear, 633 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:24,480 Speaker 3: takes those balls out of my mouth, goes over to her, 634 00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:27,000 Speaker 3: takes the marsh mellow out of her mouth. They take 635 00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,200 Speaker 3: my wife one way, the bear another way. Dragged me 636 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:31,440 Speaker 3: under a tree, and I wake up in the lap 637 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:34,720 Speaker 3: of my producer, Tim Scott. He's a now he runs 638 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:37,680 Speaker 3: end the ball. I think. I wake up. I'm like, 639 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:41,920 Speaker 3: what happened? Tim? Scott's from Minnesota, flat top, very dry personality, 640 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:45,920 Speaker 3: very cherubic face. I was like, what happened. He's like, well, 641 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,359 Speaker 3: you got raped in teabagged by a bear. And I 642 00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:50,840 Speaker 3: was like what. And he's like, you might want to 643 00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:53,360 Speaker 3: get tested. He's like, but that chick saves your life. 644 00:26:53,359 --> 00:26:55,280 Speaker 3: And I was like, what chick? And it's my wife 645 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:58,439 Speaker 3: comes over. I'm dating her three months and she leans 646 00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:01,800 Speaker 3: in and goes, are you okay? And I say at 647 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:03,800 Speaker 3: that moment and everyone goes, really, that's when you knew. 648 00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:06,920 Speaker 3: But at that moment, I knew without a doubt I'd 649 00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:08,600 Speaker 3: never do that for her. Oh no, yeah, I never 650 00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:09,040 Speaker 3: did it for her. 651 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:12,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, my guess. 652 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,359 Speaker 2: Bert Kreischer is hanging out in the studio right now. 653 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:18,200 Speaker 2: Two shows at Zanny's tonight, two shows tomorrow night. Let 654 00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:21,080 Speaker 2: me ask you this. The taking a shirt off, Yeah, 655 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:23,159 Speaker 2: that was just something you just decided to say. You 656 00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:25,680 Speaker 2: know what, I'm gonna set myself apart from somebody. I'm 657 00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:27,360 Speaker 2: just gonna take my shirt off and just be comfortable. 658 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:31,880 Speaker 3: No, I know, in all honesty, I took it off one. 659 00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:34,960 Speaker 3: I used to. I used to get depressed on the road, 660 00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:36,560 Speaker 3: like you used to go on the road and you're like, ugh, 661 00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:39,280 Speaker 3: early show Friday, like is a rough show, because You're like, 662 00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:42,000 Speaker 3: I got four more shows to do. And so what 663 00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:43,760 Speaker 3: I'd do is I would go up to music that 664 00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:46,320 Speaker 3: made me giggle, and sometimes i'd kill a beer and 665 00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:47,920 Speaker 3: I'd rip my shirt off and then I'd put my 666 00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:50,040 Speaker 3: shirt back on. And then one night in Columbus, I 667 00:27:50,119 --> 00:27:52,800 Speaker 3: ripped my shirt off and the place went nuts, and 668 00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:54,439 Speaker 3: I just started doing stand up and I forgot my 669 00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:57,639 Speaker 3: shirt was off. And halfway into the show, I went, oh, 670 00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:00,000 Speaker 3: I never put my shirt back on, and this woman 671 00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:01,919 Speaker 3: he goes, keep it off, and they cheered. So I 672 00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:04,080 Speaker 3: got off stage in this comic that I respect was 673 00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:06,800 Speaker 3: off stage and his mouth was wide open, and I 674 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,440 Speaker 3: was like what, and he goes, I couldn't do one 675 00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:11,200 Speaker 3: joke with my shirt off, and you just did your 676 00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:13,359 Speaker 3: whole set with your shirt off. He was like, dude, 677 00:28:13,359 --> 00:28:15,600 Speaker 3: that's a testament to how good your material is. And 678 00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:17,800 Speaker 3: I went, oh yeah. And then in my head I 679 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:19,680 Speaker 3: thought I'd heard that George Carlin would grow a beard 680 00:28:19,720 --> 00:28:21,960 Speaker 3: before he did a special. So I thought, in my 681 00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:25,520 Speaker 3: own messed up brain, if I can do shirt shows 682 00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:28,200 Speaker 3: with my shirt off, then when my shirt's on, that 683 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:30,560 Speaker 3: material will really be great, Like it's distracting to have 684 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:32,919 Speaker 3: your shirt off. But if I have my shirt off 685 00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:35,199 Speaker 3: and this material is good, when I put my shirt on, 686 00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:39,280 Speaker 3: it's gonna be bonkers, right, right. So I do that 687 00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:42,080 Speaker 3: for like seven years and then show Times off from 688 00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:44,000 Speaker 3: me a special and I realize as we go to 689 00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:46,440 Speaker 3: shoot it, I've never done stand up with my shirt on. 690 00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:48,520 Speaker 3: So the very first time I'm gonna do it, it's 691 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:50,080 Speaker 3: not gonna be on my special. I'm not gonna wear 692 00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:53,120 Speaker 3: a shirt for the first time on my special like 693 00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:54,920 Speaker 3: i'd wear a shirt at at times. I had a 694 00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:56,840 Speaker 3: shirt on when I was in LA and I always 695 00:28:56,840 --> 00:29:00,120 Speaker 3: felt really uncomfortable, like i'd be like felt constricted. So 696 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:01,320 Speaker 3: if I told you show time, I'm going to do 697 00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:02,680 Speaker 3: it with my shirt off, and they're like, you're not 698 00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:04,320 Speaker 3: doing it with your shirt off, I was like, then 699 00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:06,560 Speaker 3: I can't do a special and they're like, you'll do okay, 700 00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:07,959 Speaker 3: you do one with your shirt off and then one 701 00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:09,880 Speaker 3: with your shirt on, and I was like, no, I'm 702 00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:13,480 Speaker 3: doing both shows with my shirt off. So that for continuity, right, 703 00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:17,280 Speaker 3: And so I did it, and I don't think anyone 704 00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:19,040 Speaker 3: really saw it. But then what happened is the machine 705 00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:24,120 Speaker 3: story went viral and then everyone was like, oh, you're 706 00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:26,240 Speaker 3: the guy that performs with his shirt off, and so 707 00:29:26,320 --> 00:29:29,640 Speaker 3: it was like it was backdoor branding, where like now 708 00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:32,280 Speaker 3: people I said this the other day, someone can't recognize 709 00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:34,440 Speaker 3: me at the airport and was like, wait, I know 710 00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:35,800 Speaker 3: I go to high school with you, and I was 711 00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:37,640 Speaker 3: like no, And then it was a girl she goes, oh, 712 00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:40,200 Speaker 3: I didn't recognize you with your shirt on, and this 713 00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:44,640 Speaker 3: bartender was like whoa. Yeah. But like and so it's it. 714 00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:47,080 Speaker 3: It's been good and then uncomfortable doing it. I like 715 00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:50,200 Speaker 3: doing it other comics. It drives other comics nuts, right, 716 00:29:50,400 --> 00:29:52,840 Speaker 3: Some comics are like, dude, wear a shirt and you're like, 717 00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:54,880 Speaker 3: I don't. I won't tell you how to do stand up, Like, 718 00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:55,960 Speaker 3: let me do stand up the way I want to 719 00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:58,360 Speaker 3: do stand up. Like I would never be like to 720 00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:02,160 Speaker 3: anyone and be like, dude, stop doing dirty jokes, Like 721 00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:04,800 Speaker 3: that's the same it's the same thing, right. So but yeah, 722 00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:08,080 Speaker 3: I so now I'm I'm i gotta do. I've got 723 00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:09,680 Speaker 3: to start wearing a shirt at some point. I can't 724 00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:12,160 Speaker 3: be fifty years old, shirt list tank top on. It's 725 00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:14,400 Speaker 3: it's kind of best of both worlds. Chappelle wears a 726 00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:16,840 Speaker 3: tank top already. Shafir took his shirt off one night 727 00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:20,320 Speaker 3: in New York on stage one of my buddies, and 728 00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:22,160 Speaker 3: he texted me and he goes, I know that you 729 00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:24,280 Speaker 3: performed with your shirt off, but I took my shirt 730 00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:27,600 Speaker 3: off on stage and I absolutely loved it. I said, Yep, 731 00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:29,800 Speaker 3: there you go. I go it, dude, it's amazing. 732 00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:33,920 Speaker 1: So what's on Bert's bucket list? 733 00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:36,640 Speaker 2: The one thing you have not done? I mean, you've 734 00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:38,920 Speaker 2: traveled the world, done all this stuff. The one thing 735 00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:40,240 Speaker 2: you have not done? What's on it? 736 00:30:40,360 --> 00:30:43,640 Speaker 3: I want? I want to here the here's the short list. 737 00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:46,040 Speaker 3: I want to sail a boat from LA to Hawaii. 738 00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:49,880 Speaker 3: I want to I want to climb out kill him 739 00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:53,880 Speaker 3: in Jarrow. I want to ride a motorcycle down Vietnam. 740 00:30:54,120 --> 00:30:57,080 Speaker 3: And I really really really really really want to go 741 00:30:57,120 --> 00:31:00,000 Speaker 3: scuba diving and enjoy it. I want to go scoob 742 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:03,520 Speaker 3: diving and enjoy it. I want to go spearfishing in 743 00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:06,960 Speaker 3: the in the Bahamas, like deep dive spearfishing where you 744 00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:12,440 Speaker 3: dive down and catch those big like hoghead groupers. Yeah, 745 00:31:12,480 --> 00:31:14,840 Speaker 3: and then and in my if if you could, if 746 00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:19,560 Speaker 3: I could, plan out my life. I do four more years, 747 00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:21,760 Speaker 3: five more years of touring the way I'm touring right, 748 00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:25,120 Speaker 3: but real good money, like make real good money for 749 00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:29,240 Speaker 3: five years and then uh, my kids will be in college. 750 00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:33,239 Speaker 3: Probably divorce my wife and then and then uh, and 751 00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:36,640 Speaker 3: then buy a buy a bar in the Virgin Islands 752 00:31:36,640 --> 00:31:38,800 Speaker 3: on the beach, and then run a bar on the 753 00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:42,920 Speaker 3: beach with my new wife. My new wife and my 754 00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:46,120 Speaker 3: amical to divorce. My wife will be there for the girls. 755 00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:47,360 Speaker 3: I'm not gonna be there. I'm gonna be gone. I'm 756 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:49,840 Speaker 3: gonna be in the in the Islands. And my wife 757 00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:53,160 Speaker 3: will marry a professor, you know, gray hair beard who 758 00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:58,520 Speaker 3: questions her or like challenges her intellect, and she'll be fulfilled. 759 00:31:58,520 --> 00:32:01,200 Speaker 3: And then I'll have some bimbo who packs bulls with 760 00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:04,280 Speaker 3: her thumbs and she like wakes up and she's like, 761 00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:06,040 Speaker 3: I want to get day drunk today and I'm like, 762 00:32:06,240 --> 00:32:09,120 Speaker 3: I love you. And then my wife will call. She's like, hey, 763 00:32:09,200 --> 00:32:13,640 Speaker 3: we need more money. Georgia wants to go to med school. 764 00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:16,000 Speaker 3: And I'll be like, hey, that's fine, here you go. 765 00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:17,600 Speaker 3: And then she's like, wait, is that your bimbo wife 766 00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:19,520 Speaker 3: in the background, Like, oh yeah, She's like, are you 767 00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:23,880 Speaker 3: guys having sex. I'm like, yeah, I think that's my goal. 768 00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:30,520 Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, my guess Bert Crusher is hanging out 769 00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:32,640 Speaker 2: in the studio two shows tonight at Zanny's two shows 770 00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:33,200 Speaker 2: tomorrow night. 771 00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:35,000 Speaker 1: I gotta say this is by far one of the 772 00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:35,960 Speaker 1: best interviews we've had. 773 00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:37,680 Speaker 3: Oh, thank you very much. I appreciate it.