1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dom here. If you like this 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: tool that allows you to record and edit your podcast 5 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:17,280 Speaker 1: right from your phone or computer. You can add songs 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,000 Speaker 1: from Spotify and create any type of content that you 7 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you 8 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more. 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot 10 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:33,360 Speaker 1: fm to get started. 11 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:36,960 Speaker 2: Hello there, and welcome to the Cultivating her Space podcast 12 00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:41,440 Speaker 2: Live her Space Chat on Spotify Greenroom. I'm Terry Lomax, 13 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:45,960 Speaker 2: a speaker, author, branch strategist in one half of the 14 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:50,320 Speaker 2: Cultivating her Space podcast, which has new episodes every single 15 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:54,440 Speaker 2: Friday and bonus video content for each episode on Patreon 16 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:58,080 Speaker 2: every Thursday night. You can find us on most platforms 17 00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:00,840 Speaker 2: where podcasts are played, and if you listen on Spotify, 18 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:04,680 Speaker 2: you can get our exclusive after show and app every week. 19 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:05,880 Speaker 3: Now. 20 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,080 Speaker 2: If you'd like to start your own podcast and you're 21 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:10,560 Speaker 2: interested in making multiple streams of income and you need 22 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,480 Speaker 2: a little bit of guidance, you can join me for 23 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:17,039 Speaker 2: my free podcast to masterclass at podcast Terry dot com. Now, 24 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:18,800 Speaker 2: if you're tuning in live, I see you have some 25 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:21,360 Speaker 2: live folks here. If you're tuning in live, be sure 26 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:24,120 Speaker 2: to click the area of low, ask to speak, and 27 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,720 Speaker 2: drop a heart in the discussion tab to let us 28 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:29,040 Speaker 2: know that you are ready for the conversation. And if 29 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:32,240 Speaker 2: you're catching the replay of this conversation, don't be shy. 30 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:36,319 Speaker 2: Join us every Friday live at one thirty pm Pacific 31 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:40,399 Speaker 2: time four thirty pm Eastern Time on Green Room for 32 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:44,440 Speaker 2: this conversation. All right, I'm going to pass it on 33 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:45,600 Speaker 2: over to my co host. 34 00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:52,720 Speaker 1: Now, Hello, Hello, I am doctor dom the other half 35 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:56,960 Speaker 1: of this amazing Cultivating her Space podcast. I am a 36 00:01:57,040 --> 00:02:00,800 Speaker 1: licensed psychologist and college professor. For those of you in 37 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:05,760 Speaker 1: the California area who are looking for a new therapy provider, 38 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:09,440 Speaker 1: do not hesitate to reach out to me at doctor 39 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:13,560 Speaker 1: Dominique Brusard dot com that is d R D O 40 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:17,960 Speaker 1: M I N I q U E B R O 41 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:22,440 Speaker 1: U S S A r D dot com and sign 42 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:27,200 Speaker 1: up for your free fifteen minute consultation. So, now, a 43 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:30,920 Speaker 1: few housekeeping tips for us to go over before we 44 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:36,919 Speaker 1: dive into this amazing conversation today. So while of course 45 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,959 Speaker 1: we always want to hear from you. This is a 46 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:44,760 Speaker 1: live show and we want to prioritize the listening experience 47 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:47,680 Speaker 1: of you and the rest of our audience. So we 48 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:52,040 Speaker 1: have some housekeeping tips to make sure that this remains 49 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:57,799 Speaker 1: the best experience for all of us involved in this 50 00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:03,560 Speaker 1: particular room. We ask that you refrained from self promoting 51 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:07,880 Speaker 1: and instead offer value and let folks connect with you 52 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:15,880 Speaker 1: or organically remember the phrase givers game. And then we 53 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:20,000 Speaker 1: want to also point out that while Terry and I 54 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:25,240 Speaker 1: will lead the conversation when we open the stage for discussion, 55 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:28,280 Speaker 1: meaning through our discussion tab, for those of us who 56 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:34,240 Speaker 1: are joining us live, make sure that that is the 57 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:39,800 Speaker 1: space that you utilize to share your thoughts, answer or 58 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:44,440 Speaker 1: answer questions from others, ask us any questions that you 59 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:48,320 Speaker 1: might have, and remember, if you were with us live, 60 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:52,480 Speaker 1: this is a great opportunity for you to engage with 61 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:57,000 Speaker 1: us in the moment. So don't hesitate to join us 62 00:03:57,080 --> 00:04:03,880 Speaker 1: every Friday at one thirty pm percent to engage in exciting, 63 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:09,840 Speaker 1: juicy conversations with Terry and I. So, t are we ready? 64 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:11,000 Speaker 3: Let's do it? 65 00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:15,120 Speaker 1: Let's do it all right? So our quote of the 66 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:20,919 Speaker 1: day for our topic of seven ways of becoming a 67 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:27,480 Speaker 1: better partner. In order to maintain a positive and secure 68 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:32,400 Speaker 1: relationship and to become a better partner, one should focus 69 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:37,080 Speaker 1: on becoming a better person. And this quote comes to 70 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:41,240 Speaker 1: us from Shamira Howard Blackburn, who is a sex and 71 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:46,159 Speaker 1: relationship therapist. All right, t. 72 00:04:47,839 --> 00:04:50,400 Speaker 3: I have a question for you, John, and for anyone listening. 73 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:54,720 Speaker 2: Okay, So I don't know about you, but I want 74 00:04:54,839 --> 00:04:56,440 Speaker 2: I want us all to think about the people in 75 00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:57,200 Speaker 2: our lives, right. 76 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,640 Speaker 3: The relationships that we are privy to. 77 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,560 Speaker 2: We're not going to put you on black today, but 78 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:01,760 Speaker 2: I just want you to think about it in the 79 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:04,479 Speaker 2: privacy of your mind. And when you think about the 80 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:08,040 Speaker 2: folks that are having, you know, potential relationship issues or 81 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,760 Speaker 2: the relationships that maybe aren't going so well, what are 82 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:13,440 Speaker 2: some of the common traits that you think of? 83 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,240 Speaker 3: Because a few things come to mind for me. 84 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:17,000 Speaker 2: And I know we're going to talk about ways to 85 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:19,920 Speaker 2: become a better partner, but I feel like there are 86 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:23,479 Speaker 2: themes that I notice across the relationships that are on 87 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:26,680 Speaker 2: rocky ground or that aren't doing very well. And I 88 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:29,000 Speaker 2: would love to know as you listen to this, what 89 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,440 Speaker 2: comes to mind for you when you think about those relationships. 90 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:33,000 Speaker 2: I mean, we see it in the news to write 91 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,960 Speaker 2: and media. You see people geting divorced after all this time. 92 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:38,160 Speaker 2: And I think about one of our guests that we 93 00:05:38,279 --> 00:05:45,039 Speaker 2: had on the show, Kenya, I believe, Kenya Stevens, Okay, 94 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:49,080 Speaker 2: Kenya Stevens, And I think about just what I see 95 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:52,520 Speaker 2: on her page and how happy and fulfilling her relationships 96 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,720 Speaker 2: appear to be, and it just makes me think, like, hmm, 97 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:58,800 Speaker 2: very interesting. There are some folks that are monogamous that 98 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:01,000 Speaker 2: I believe are happy, the folks that I know of, 99 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:04,200 Speaker 2: But there are others that I see are struggling. And 100 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:05,760 Speaker 2: so when I think about some of the common traits 101 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:11,960 Speaker 2: that I see, I would say that communication, yes, is one. 102 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:18,640 Speaker 2: The lack of communication also another one when one person 103 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:23,120 Speaker 2: is doing the work and the other person may not 104 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,520 Speaker 2: be doing any work. And when I say the work, 105 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:28,760 Speaker 2: I mean like the personal work on oneself. So when 106 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:30,479 Speaker 2: you are self aware, you may be doing your inner 107 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:32,880 Speaker 2: child work and the other person is like, what inner 108 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:33,360 Speaker 2: child work? 109 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:36,839 Speaker 3: What are you talking about? Thin's a conflict? Mm hm, 110 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:39,360 Speaker 3: what about you? 111 00:06:40,839 --> 00:06:45,800 Speaker 1: I think communication is key, right yeah, yeah, and if 112 00:06:47,839 --> 00:06:53,280 Speaker 1: and the thing about communication is that it permeates every 113 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:57,200 Speaker 1: aspect of your relationship, right, and not just a relationship 114 00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:03,080 Speaker 1: with your romantic or intimate part, but any relationship that 115 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:07,880 Speaker 1: you might have. And so for me, hands down, it's 116 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:13,920 Speaker 1: all about communication. And I recognize that a lot of 117 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:21,600 Speaker 1: us have to be taught how to communicate because communication 118 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:25,680 Speaker 1: is not well, I tell you what I want and 119 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:31,960 Speaker 1: what I need, and that's it, right. Communication is not 120 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:40,720 Speaker 1: about putting standards out there and expecting the other person 121 00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:44,240 Speaker 1: to meet them and then when they don't, you say, well, 122 00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:52,560 Speaker 1: I told you what I wanted. Communication is about listening 123 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:59,040 Speaker 1: as well as as much as it is about sharing 124 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:05,000 Speaker 1: and speaking and stating what your needs are. Right. But 125 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:10,480 Speaker 1: I think within that some of us, you know, within relationships, 126 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:14,960 Speaker 1: might not know what it is that we need and 127 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,160 Speaker 1: we don't know how to come so then we don't 128 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:20,640 Speaker 1: know how to communicate it. But were our bodies are 129 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:25,600 Speaker 1: having a reaction to things that are happening and we 130 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:30,440 Speaker 1: haven't quite yet found the words to identify and then share. 131 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:35,360 Speaker 2: Yep, I would agree with that. I think that's a 132 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:38,520 Speaker 2: really good spot on community. It all boils down to communication. Yeah, 133 00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:39,880 Speaker 2: And a lot of times it's not. 134 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:41,800 Speaker 3: What you say but how you say it. 135 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:46,600 Speaker 2: I have had to, okay, because I have taken Oh 136 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,599 Speaker 2: my gosh, I used to be a very bad communicator 137 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,840 Speaker 2: and didn't really know how to process emotions and communicate 138 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:56,679 Speaker 2: effectively and tactfully and communicate what the intention of, you know, 139 00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:59,160 Speaker 2: understanding and building versus. 140 00:08:58,840 --> 00:08:59,840 Speaker 3: Tearing someone down. 141 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:03,439 Speaker 2: Right. Yeah, so that's that's definitely the one I see. 142 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,040 Speaker 2: Angel in the chat says communication is probably the most 143 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:09,840 Speaker 2: important thing in any relationship. Learn that from past relationship 144 00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:13,439 Speaker 2: experiences the hard way. Totally feel you, Angel, I get it. 145 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,600 Speaker 2: I mean many of us do. Hey, b we have 146 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:18,040 Speaker 2: be here too many and we have Ashley, we have mail. 147 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:21,680 Speaker 2: I mean that's spot on on communication, right. I'm trying 148 00:09:21,679 --> 00:09:23,400 Speaker 2: to think of anything else that might stand out. If 149 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:25,920 Speaker 2: anything else comes to mind, I will definitely share it. 150 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:30,760 Speaker 1: But yeah, I have one. I would say finances. 151 00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:33,000 Speaker 3: Ooh, finances, And I. 152 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:35,560 Speaker 1: Mean obviously communication is a part of finances as well, 153 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:37,360 Speaker 1: because you have to communicate, you have to talk about 154 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:41,320 Speaker 1: the finances, right. So, like we said, communication is number one, 155 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:46,440 Speaker 1: the umbrella is, but finances falls under that when people 156 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:52,400 Speaker 1: cannot agree on finances. Yeah, so, and that looks different 157 00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:56,480 Speaker 1: for different folks, right, Some people's situation around finances might 158 00:09:56,520 --> 00:10:00,720 Speaker 1: be that one partner is making significant more than the 159 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:06,640 Speaker 1: other and that causes problems. But a lot of times 160 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:15,480 Speaker 1: what causes problems is how they communicate about budgeting and spending, right, 161 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:21,120 Speaker 1: Because people may have different values around their finances. Right. 162 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:26,720 Speaker 1: So you may have one partner who says, I value 163 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:31,080 Speaker 1: taking vacations, and so part of our budget needs to 164 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:35,680 Speaker 1: be us being able to take trips, and another partner 165 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:40,800 Speaker 1: might say, but I don't like spending so much money 166 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,680 Speaker 1: on traveling. Yes, I like to travel, but we don't 167 00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:45,800 Speaker 1: have to stay at a five star hotel. We could 168 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:47,840 Speaker 1: stay at the three star and I'll be okay with that. 169 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:53,559 Speaker 1: And that's a simplified version of some of the financial 170 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:58,320 Speaker 1: conversations and difficulties that folks might encounter. But finances is 171 00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:03,240 Speaker 1: definitely a huge issue in a lot of relationships. 172 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,640 Speaker 2: Well that's that's a fact, and we might as well 173 00:11:06,679 --> 00:11:08,040 Speaker 2: just add on the other one because we already know 174 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:10,640 Speaker 2: what comes after finances when it comes to communication and 175 00:11:10,679 --> 00:11:14,720 Speaker 2: relationship issues, and that's sex, okay, exactly. You can have 176 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:18,400 Speaker 2: so many different areas where you may not be sexually compatible. 177 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,679 Speaker 2: So whether if someone wants it all the time, someone 178 00:11:20,679 --> 00:11:23,880 Speaker 2: doesn't want it all someone likes vanilla sex is a freakily. 179 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:27,480 Speaker 2: I mean, you got all kinds of lots. It's a lot, right. 180 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:30,439 Speaker 2: And so when we think about the seven ways to 181 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:34,679 Speaker 2: become a better partner, we aren't necessarily relationship experts. I mean, 182 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:38,199 Speaker 2: dom is doms a therapist for sure, so don can 183 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:41,640 Speaker 2: give you all some tips from her experience and from 184 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,800 Speaker 2: you know, the work that she's done with clients and whatnot. 185 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,840 Speaker 2: But we came up with these in one of our 186 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:50,360 Speaker 2: previous episodes based on our life experience, right, and also 187 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:53,680 Speaker 2: based on our partnership because although Domina are not intimate partners, 188 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:57,120 Speaker 2: we are partners. We co own the podcast, and so 189 00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,800 Speaker 2: we have to I mean, y'all see this chemistry like 190 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:00,440 Speaker 2: this doesn't have a. 191 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,400 Speaker 3: By accident, right, We make this work together. 192 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:06,360 Speaker 2: So as far as the seven ways become a better partner, 193 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,679 Speaker 2: the first one is to have a solid sense of self, 194 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,840 Speaker 2: so knowing who you are and where you're going. And 195 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:17,040 Speaker 2: I find that it's so important because just my personal 196 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:20,560 Speaker 2: philosophy down, it's like I think that I think that 197 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,960 Speaker 2: we should all aim to be like madly in love 198 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:25,679 Speaker 2: with ourselves and to like ourselves and to just know 199 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:29,319 Speaker 2: who we are outside of anyone else, because I find 200 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:33,439 Speaker 2: that what I've seen in my experience is that sometimes 201 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:36,640 Speaker 2: when we put our being and who we are in 202 00:12:36,679 --> 00:12:40,920 Speaker 2: other people, whether it's our spouse, our children, other loved ones, 203 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,240 Speaker 2: it's so fickle because they have their own paths and 204 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:47,199 Speaker 2: their own journeys, and sometimes when something may happen with 205 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:50,480 Speaker 2: that individual, then it puts you on like rocky ground 206 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:51,960 Speaker 2: if you don't have a solid sense of who you 207 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,360 Speaker 2: are outside of the roles that you play. And so 208 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:59,480 Speaker 2: I think that at the core our relationship, any relationship 209 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:01,920 Speaker 2: that we have, should begin with ourselves and like who 210 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,520 Speaker 2: we are and who we want to show up and 211 00:13:03,559 --> 00:13:03,880 Speaker 2: be in. 212 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:08,240 Speaker 1: The world exactly, because if you don't, if you don't 213 00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:13,720 Speaker 1: love yourself and know how to love you, then how 214 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:18,560 Speaker 1: can you expect other people to know how to love you? Right, 215 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:25,719 Speaker 1: So it's not a given, it's not automatic. There are 216 00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:29,120 Speaker 1: things that we may need as people, as an individual 217 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:33,000 Speaker 1: that we have to communicate to those around us so 218 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:36,240 Speaker 1: that we can all, you know, get along and be 219 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:39,120 Speaker 1: at peace. But if you don't love yourself, if you 220 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:43,960 Speaker 1: don't know yourself and what your needs are, then how 221 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:47,040 Speaker 1: can you communicate that to anyone else? 222 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:52,560 Speaker 2: So I do want to add, I just saw the 223 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,200 Speaker 2: comments and be set comprehension, and so I had to 224 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:57,960 Speaker 2: add that as like a little bullet point under communication. 225 00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:02,199 Speaker 2: You can be talking talk, but if someone's not understanding, 226 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:05,160 Speaker 2: they're not comprehending what you're saying, you're going to continue 227 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:05,920 Speaker 2: to miss one another. 228 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,079 Speaker 3: So thank you for pointing out. 229 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:09,400 Speaker 2: Be Yes, you can communicate, but if you are not 230 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:13,160 Speaker 2: comprehending what's being communicated, then it's like what's the point, right, 231 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:14,960 Speaker 2: So you got you got to be comprehend You got 232 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:19,080 Speaker 2: to feel what they what they're talking about exactly. 233 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:22,240 Speaker 1: You know. That's a good point, and within that requires 234 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:25,920 Speaker 1: clarification too if you aren't comprehending, because we don't want 235 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:32,720 Speaker 1: to make assumptions. Yes, so then tip number two around 236 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:37,560 Speaker 1: becoming a better partner, becoming your best self is to 237 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:41,800 Speaker 1: heal from any trauma or past experiences that may have 238 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,600 Speaker 1: had an adverse impact on you. This is what we 239 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:49,480 Speaker 1: call that sometimes people refer to as baggage, right, And 240 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:54,960 Speaker 1: the reality is that all of us have baggage. All 241 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:59,360 Speaker 1: of us have those things that make us who we are. 242 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:04,640 Speaker 1: But in order to be the best partner we can 243 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:09,520 Speaker 1: be requires us to heal those things to the best 244 00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:12,600 Speaker 1: of our ability, right. I want to be clear that 245 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:17,240 Speaker 1: we can do the work and then there may be 246 00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:22,520 Speaker 1: something years down the line that activates us and that 247 00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:28,520 Speaker 1: we didn't even realize was a thing. Like we thought, Oh, 248 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:32,480 Speaker 1: I've done all my work. I've been in therapy, i 249 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:37,480 Speaker 1: have been meditating, and I've been praying, and I've been 250 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:41,520 Speaker 1: doing all the things, and I thought I was healed. 251 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:45,560 Speaker 1: And then fast forward ten years and then this something 252 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:52,240 Speaker 1: happens that reignites all that trauma, and then I have 253 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,920 Speaker 1: to step back and say, oh, wait, maybe there's still 254 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:59,120 Speaker 1: some maybe there's new work to do, right, But the 255 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:02,400 Speaker 1: key is is that you want to do the work 256 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,920 Speaker 1: in the first place, right, So we can't prevent what's 257 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:06,480 Speaker 1: going to show up ten years from now. 258 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:08,360 Speaker 3: Yeah. 259 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:11,400 Speaker 2: Yes, And there's always going to be new work. There's 260 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,360 Speaker 2: always going to be new work in this journey of life. 261 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,280 Speaker 2: So that is so true. And I find that when 262 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:18,160 Speaker 2: you do heal that trauma and whatever experiences you might 263 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:21,640 Speaker 2: have from the past that are causing, you know, adverts, 264 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:23,600 Speaker 2: that's causing an adverse impact on you. 265 00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:24,800 Speaker 3: I find that it. 266 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:28,840 Speaker 2: Eliminates or prevents you from making someone pay for something 267 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,880 Speaker 2: that they didn't do. So I think that's really important 268 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:33,880 Speaker 2: for us of all to heal and do our work. 269 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:37,040 Speaker 2: The next one, we've talked about communication, but we think 270 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:41,440 Speaker 2: that learning to communicate honestly, openly and clearly. So my 271 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:45,480 Speaker 2: best practice is like no name calling, right, know what 272 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,640 Speaker 2: you want and how you want it, and have self respect. 273 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,520 Speaker 2: And we're going to add add into that knowing when 274 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,920 Speaker 2: to apologize. That was something that used to be hard 275 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,400 Speaker 2: for me. That was very hard for. 276 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:56,960 Speaker 3: Me in the beginning. 277 00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:00,320 Speaker 2: It's like learning to apologize. But it's necessary, right because 278 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,600 Speaker 2: we're not perfect. We all have our stuff. 279 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:08,359 Speaker 1: Couldn't have said it better, could not have said it better, 280 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:12,280 Speaker 1: all right. So then what comes along with being a 281 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:20,280 Speaker 1: good communicator is also being a good listener. And what 282 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:24,399 Speaker 1: that means is with your partner. And again this is 283 00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:28,880 Speaker 1: not necessarily just your intimate partner or romantic partner. These 284 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:33,159 Speaker 1: are other people in your life too. You take an 285 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:40,400 Speaker 1: interest in this person's goals, dreams, desires, who they are, 286 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:45,440 Speaker 1: what they like. Right now, I do want to clarify 287 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:49,360 Speaker 1: that this does not mean that you are a mind reader, okay, 288 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:53,680 Speaker 1: because I know a lot of times what we expect 289 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,800 Speaker 1: from our partners is that well, if you were really 290 00:17:56,920 --> 00:18:01,000 Speaker 1: listening to me, then you would know that this thing 291 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:06,520 Speaker 1: would have made me upset. It is not your partner's 292 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:14,880 Speaker 1: responsibility to predict how you will respond, right. We may 293 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:20,359 Speaker 1: have a sense of how you're going to respond, but 294 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:24,159 Speaker 1: it is not our responsibility to be a mind reader 295 00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:31,800 Speaker 1: and a fortune teller, right. And so with this skill 296 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:37,399 Speaker 1: of listening, what it really means is being a tune 297 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:45,440 Speaker 1: to what your partner's wishes, wants, and desires are and 298 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:51,240 Speaker 1: knowing that there may be clarification that needs to be had. Right. So, 299 00:18:51,359 --> 00:19:00,320 Speaker 1: let's say that your partner loves ice cream. I just 300 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,040 Speaker 1: want to kind of give us an example so we 301 00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:05,479 Speaker 1: know what this means when it says when we say listen. 302 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:10,960 Speaker 1: But you're not a mind reader. Okay, So you know 303 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:16,000 Speaker 1: that your partner loves ice cream, but they haven't specified 304 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:22,399 Speaker 1: a favorite flavor, and you are in your out running 305 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:25,879 Speaker 1: errands and you come across this new boutique ice cream shop. 306 00:19:28,359 --> 00:19:31,960 Speaker 1: The mind reader would say, well, I'm just gonna pick 307 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,880 Speaker 1: up any flavor and my partner's gonna like it, right. 308 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:47,160 Speaker 1: The good communicator, if you are uncertain about what flavor, 309 00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:49,360 Speaker 1: then you pick up the phone and you call your 310 00:19:49,359 --> 00:19:53,800 Speaker 1: partner and say, hey, babe, I'm at this new ice 311 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:57,159 Speaker 1: cream shop. Here's some of the flavors. What would you 312 00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:00,960 Speaker 1: like for me to bring home? And that's the difference 313 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,760 Speaker 1: between being a good listener and being a mind reader. 314 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:07,639 Speaker 2: It's a great example. Please don't ever just get me 315 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:10,000 Speaker 2: any o kind of ice cream? Please don't check and 316 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:15,040 Speaker 2: let me know exactly. And that takes us on Stember five, 317 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:18,840 Speaker 2: which a show. Don't tell offer compliments and learn their 318 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:22,359 Speaker 2: love language. And here's the kicker coming close for this one, 319 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:26,680 Speaker 2: y'all coming close for this one. Instead of doing what 320 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:30,040 Speaker 2: you'd want someone to do for you, do what they 321 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:34,359 Speaker 2: would appreciate. All right, Oh my goodness, that is like 322 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:36,240 Speaker 2: so key, And that was a game changer for me. 323 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,760 Speaker 2: It's like, it's not about doing what you want someone 324 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:40,960 Speaker 2: to do for you, It's about what is your partner's 325 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,280 Speaker 2: love language, what is their preference? 326 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:43,520 Speaker 3: What kind of ice cream do they want? 327 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:50,639 Speaker 1: Not what you want, right exactly exactly. The other piece 328 00:20:50,680 --> 00:21:00,360 Speaker 1: of that is knowing that change behavior is the best apology. 329 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:07,679 Speaker 1: So if you are wanting to make up for something 330 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:16,919 Speaker 1: that you've done, then changing the behavior. Stop going to 331 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,320 Speaker 1: the ice cream store and picking up what you assume 332 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:22,119 Speaker 1: I like and then getting mad when I say I 333 00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:25,720 Speaker 1: don't like it. All right, you go to the ice 334 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:28,600 Speaker 1: cream store and you call to check in on what 335 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:33,960 Speaker 1: flavor I would like. That is how you show that 336 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:42,560 Speaker 1: you are listening to your partner. That also is part 337 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:48,879 Speaker 1: of tip number six of being considerate. Right, if you 338 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:53,480 Speaker 1: have made this attempt to go to the ice cream 339 00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:56,160 Speaker 1: store multiple times and every time you come back, your 340 00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:58,560 Speaker 1: partner is like, I didn't like that flavor. That didn't 341 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:02,640 Speaker 1: work for me, But but you said you like ice cream, 342 00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:05,160 Speaker 1: and I'm trying to I'm trying to be considerate here, 343 00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:11,360 Speaker 1: No step back and utilize the other tips of listening 344 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:18,760 Speaker 1: and communicating and know that what your partner is trying 345 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:22,439 Speaker 1: to tell you is that while they appreciate the effort 346 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:24,920 Speaker 1: of going to the store to get the ice cream, 347 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:28,320 Speaker 1: here's what they would like for you to get while 348 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:32,680 Speaker 1: while you're there. Right. And then the reverse of that, 349 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,879 Speaker 1: if you are the partner who's receiving the ice cream, 350 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:43,199 Speaker 1: how you show consideration is and good communication skills is 351 00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:47,919 Speaker 1: you thank your partner for thinking of you by going 352 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:51,200 Speaker 1: with them going to the ice cream shop, and then 353 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:56,600 Speaker 1: then you ask if they could call you when they're there, 354 00:22:57,640 --> 00:23:01,919 Speaker 1: or you tell them what are the that you prefer. 355 00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:08,920 Speaker 1: But really part of that consideration is really just acknowledging 356 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:10,760 Speaker 1: the effort that they put in. 357 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:16,760 Speaker 2: And that takes us to our last tip here, which 358 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:19,720 Speaker 2: is tip number seven, except your partner for who they are. 359 00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:25,240 Speaker 2: One of right, one of my professors years ago and undergrad, 360 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,879 Speaker 2: he was in an intimate relationships. It was an intimate 361 00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:31,280 Speaker 2: relationships class, and one thing he said was, don't try 362 00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:32,199 Speaker 2: to change people. 363 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:33,520 Speaker 3: You know, like you can. 364 00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:35,680 Speaker 2: You can push someone and encourage them to be their 365 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:38,399 Speaker 2: best selves. But if someone's quirky or they like a 366 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,480 Speaker 2: certain style, like, don't try to change someone. You know, 367 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:44,880 Speaker 2: we're all unique and we all have our own idiosyncrasies. 368 00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:46,240 Speaker 2: I know I do for sure. 369 00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:46,840 Speaker 1: Uh. 370 00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:49,640 Speaker 2: And so what I do want to say is, this 371 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:51,760 Speaker 2: is a nice little intimate setting that we have. Whether 372 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:53,480 Speaker 2: you're catching the replayer tuning in live, this is a 373 00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:56,000 Speaker 2: nice little intimate setting that we have, and not everyone's 374 00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:57,399 Speaker 2: going to listen to this. So what I want you 375 00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:59,880 Speaker 2: to do, if you are enjoying the conversation that we've 376 00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:03,120 Speaker 2: had today, go to our Instagram at her Space podcast 377 00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:04,720 Speaker 2: and drop a green circle. 378 00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:07,000 Speaker 3: You don't have to have a comment, just drop a green. 379 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,560 Speaker 2: Circle so that we know that you tuned into this 380 00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:11,840 Speaker 2: and like we'll be it'll be like an insider with 381 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:13,959 Speaker 2: all of us, right, it's us communicating to let us 382 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:16,679 Speaker 2: know like we enjoyed that episode, we tuned in, So 383 00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:20,400 Speaker 2: be sure to drop that green circle. And I'm gonna 384 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:24,240 Speaker 2: hands over to Don to cover our recap the next steps. 385 00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:30,080 Speaker 1: Yes, So the other thing I want us to leave 386 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:36,879 Speaker 1: us with is to ask yourself, what are you doing 387 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:45,000 Speaker 1: to be a good partner? Okay again, that's what are 388 00:24:45,119 --> 00:24:51,119 Speaker 1: you doing to be a good partner? Thank you so 389 00:24:51,359 --> 00:24:56,960 Speaker 1: much for tuning in to the live conversation, whether you 390 00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:02,159 Speaker 1: are catching the replay or you are tuning in live 391 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:09,240 Speaker 1: with us. So we appreciate you for being here. Thank 392 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:11,720 Speaker 1: you for those folks who were engaging with us in 393 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:15,760 Speaker 1: the discussion. And you can find the replay of this 394 00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:20,520 Speaker 1: live episode in green Room on the Cultivating her Space 395 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:25,840 Speaker 1: podcast next Monday. And you can find us here, same time, 396 00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:31,280 Speaker 1: same place next Friday, one thirty pm Pacific, four thirty 397 00:25:31,359 --> 00:25:32,520 Speaker 1: pm Eastern.