WEBVTT - #144 Follow your brain...Your heart is a liar 0:00:00.320 --> 0:00:02.559 And so during this war of attrition, your mind needs 0:00:02.600 --> 0:00:05.800 to win, not your heart. Your feelings don't get to 0:00:05.920 --> 0:00:10.200 win over your thoughts because your thoughts are calculating everything 0:00:10.240 --> 0:00:13.320 around your Your heart is thinking in one direction, just 0:00:13.440 --> 0:00:29.080 with your gut feeling, and we cannot trust our gut feeling. Hey, guys, 0:00:29.080 --> 0:00:32.080 welcome to the podcast, Episode one four. Thanks for coming 0:00:32.440 --> 0:00:37.400 listening wherever you're coming from TikTok after midnight Instagram. Maybe 0:00:37.560 --> 0:00:41.000 just a long time listener. We drop episodes every Monday morning. 0:00:41.040 --> 0:00:45.479 I answer your questions. You email Grangersmith Podcast at gmail 0:00:45.520 --> 0:00:47.840 dot com. We talk about it in long form as 0:00:47.880 --> 0:00:50.920 though we're sitting in a pickup truck cab together. You 0:00:50.960 --> 0:00:52.560 got an idea, you say, Hey, man, I want to 0:00:52.640 --> 0:00:56.440 run something by you, and we talk about it as 0:00:56.480 --> 0:00:58.400 long as it takes to answer the question. You could 0:00:58.400 --> 0:01:01.520 ask me about anything. The subjects are all over the place, 0:01:01.680 --> 0:01:04.640 and let's get started. Subject line of this first one says, 0:01:04.680 --> 0:01:08.520 my ex keeps talking about me. Hey, gradear, my name 0:01:08.560 --> 0:01:12.160 is Chad. I'm twenty five years old. I'm from Southeast Oklahoma. 0:01:12.240 --> 0:01:13.880 Me and my ex girlfriend dated for three and a 0:01:13.880 --> 0:01:17.000 half years. She left me three years ago. We don't 0:01:17.080 --> 0:01:20.240 speak to each other anymore. But these past few months 0:01:20.280 --> 0:01:22.119 I have people come and tell me that she keeps 0:01:22.160 --> 0:01:25.760 talking about me. It's not all bad stuff. I don't 0:01:25.840 --> 0:01:28.839 know what it could mean. I'm just in awe right now. Sorry, 0:01:28.920 --> 0:01:31.240 this is long. Love your music and your podcast. They've 0:01:31.240 --> 0:01:35.440 helped me a lot, so Chad, thanks for emailing Buddy. 0:01:35.440 --> 0:01:40.680 Shout out to Southeast Oklahoma. I love Southeast Oklahoma. You are. 0:01:40.959 --> 0:01:44.400 You're asking about your ex girlfriend dated for quite some time, 0:01:44.720 --> 0:01:46.800 and you've been broken up for about the same amount 0:01:46.840 --> 0:01:49.520 of time. Now she's talking about you. You're getting win 0:01:49.680 --> 0:01:53.640 through the grapevine, and it sounds like by your email 0:01:54.440 --> 0:01:58.960 you said, I'm just in awe right now, it sounds 0:01:59.000 --> 0:02:01.880 like this is exciting, sounds like you're still not over 0:02:01.920 --> 0:02:05.440 her and you are interested in possibly getting back together. 0:02:06.040 --> 0:02:09.440 The first thing I want to say is, why is 0:02:09.480 --> 0:02:13.560 it a surprise that your ex is talking about you. 0:02:13.560 --> 0:02:16.560 You dated three and a half years, You've got mutual friends, 0:02:16.560 --> 0:02:19.200 you've got a lot of stuff in common, you have 0:02:19.360 --> 0:02:20.959 enough in common that you dated for three and a 0:02:21.000 --> 0:02:24.079 half years. It doesn't seem like a surprise that she's 0:02:24.120 --> 0:02:28.680 talking about you, And I don't know if that means anything. Really, 0:02:28.720 --> 0:02:31.240 I don't know if that means there's hope for you 0:02:31.400 --> 0:02:34.440 to get back together with her. I don't know if 0:02:34.480 --> 0:02:37.480 she's just kind of venting because she's moved on and 0:02:37.520 --> 0:02:41.760 she's still remembering and wanting to get past that. But 0:02:41.960 --> 0:02:43.520 it could mean a lot of different things. And so 0:02:43.760 --> 0:02:46.400 I don't know if I'm taking this as a good thing, like, 0:02:46.480 --> 0:02:49.680 oh wow, I'm suddenly back on her radar and she's 0:02:49.720 --> 0:02:53.000 talking about me to friends. I don't know. I don't 0:02:53.000 --> 0:02:55.920 know what to tell you, Chad. Besides, it sounds like 0:02:56.000 --> 0:02:59.600 you haven't moved on, and regardless of what happens with 0:02:59.639 --> 0:03:02.480 her in the future, you're gonna have to find contentment 0:03:02.520 --> 0:03:06.160 and you're gonna have to find satisfaction on your own alone, 0:03:06.240 --> 0:03:10.359 single without her, And that's gonna be the most attractive 0:03:10.400 --> 0:03:12.360 thing that you could give back to her if you 0:03:12.480 --> 0:03:14.400 are going to get back with her. One day, she 0:03:14.480 --> 0:03:16.360 has to get back with you. You have coffee, you 0:03:16.360 --> 0:03:20.920 have dinner somewhere, and she thinks, Wow, Chad is different 0:03:21.160 --> 0:03:24.920 now in a good way, Like he's confident. He's not 0:03:25.360 --> 0:03:27.360 worried about me and what I'm doing all the time. 0:03:27.440 --> 0:03:30.400 He's not asking other friends if they've heard from me 0:03:31.320 --> 0:03:34.360 because he seems to have moved on in a confident, 0:03:35.080 --> 0:03:40.400 secure way, and I'm very attracted to that. So that's 0:03:40.400 --> 0:03:42.760 something you can't put on a front four. You can't 0:03:42.960 --> 0:03:46.720 pretend to do. You have to really do it. And 0:03:46.760 --> 0:03:49.560 then it's going to come across as authentic, and she's 0:03:49.560 --> 0:03:52.240 going to get that, and she's gonna she's gonna latch 0:03:52.280 --> 0:03:56.720 onto that. So regardless of what's happening, try to be 0:03:56.800 --> 0:03:59.800 the guy that's single and secure and confident away from 0:03:59.840 --> 0:04:01.800 her because you did break up and it has been 0:04:01.880 --> 0:04:06.800 a long time. And then after that, whatever happens may happen, 0:04:07.320 --> 0:04:11.080 but you're better off pretending like you're not going to 0:04:11.120 --> 0:04:14.360 get back. I don't think this means anything for you 0:04:14.440 --> 0:04:19.760 right now, but it could focus on yourself. Next question, 0:04:19.800 --> 0:04:23.840 I've got so many here. Subject line in the next 0:04:23.839 --> 0:04:27.080 one says breakups. Hey Grander, my name is Nate from Oregon. 0:04:27.400 --> 0:04:29.800 My fiance just broke up with me after being together 0:04:29.839 --> 0:04:32.560 for three years. I asked what I did wrong, and 0:04:32.600 --> 0:04:34.919 she said I did nothing wrong. She just lost a 0:04:35.000 --> 0:04:37.599 love for me, but still wants to be part of me, 0:04:37.720 --> 0:04:39.599 to be part of her family and a part of 0:04:39.640 --> 0:04:44.239 her life. I'm just broken and confused, would like your advice. Thanks. 0:04:44.240 --> 0:04:48.839 I hope this gets to you, Nate. Thanks for emailing Buddy. 0:04:48.839 --> 0:04:52.560 Shout out to Oregon. I love that state too. What 0:04:52.560 --> 0:04:56.280 we're dealing with here is another three year year relationship, 0:04:56.480 --> 0:04:59.840 and what we're dealing with is someone that fell out 0:05:00.080 --> 0:05:04.400 of love. And the great thing for you, Nate, is 0:05:04.440 --> 0:05:08.920 that she was honest enough not to drag this on anymore. Now. 0:05:08.960 --> 0:05:12.200 It's unfortunate that you were engaged, and you probably had 0:05:12.200 --> 0:05:14.679 a ring, and you probably had plans and the works, 0:05:15.800 --> 0:05:19.320 But the reality is good on you because she was 0:05:19.400 --> 0:05:22.839 honest with you and she said, hey, you did nothing wrong. 0:05:23.040 --> 0:05:26.200 I fell out of love. That's natural. Now you're gonna 0:05:26.200 --> 0:05:28.760 blame yourself and you're gonna think you did do something wrong, 0:05:28.800 --> 0:05:32.920 but sometimes you don't. Sometimes you don't have to do 0:05:32.920 --> 0:05:35.120 anything wrong for someone just to fall out of love. 0:05:35.839 --> 0:05:38.920 But I'm happy that she was honest with you and 0:05:38.960 --> 0:05:42.159 told you now and this didn't turn out into something 0:05:42.200 --> 0:05:47.080 really messy and bad down the road. So take that 0:05:47.720 --> 0:05:50.720 and use it as a victory. It doesn't seem like 0:05:50.800 --> 0:05:54.120 a victory to you right now. And it's heartbreak is real. 0:05:54.160 --> 0:05:57.960 It's like grief. It's like you lost somebody. Now the 0:05:58.000 --> 0:06:01.039 thing moving forward, what's tough to do is to be 0:06:01.160 --> 0:06:03.000 friends with her and be part of her family and 0:06:03.000 --> 0:06:06.920 part of her life. That's not that's not great. It's 0:06:06.960 --> 0:06:10.159 not easy to do that, and I would advise against 0:06:10.200 --> 0:06:12.360 it because it's gonna be really tough on your heart. 0:06:12.400 --> 0:06:15.559 It's gonna it's gonna be tough moving forward and hanging 0:06:15.600 --> 0:06:18.440 out and going to a Christmas party and she's there 0:06:18.520 --> 0:06:21.360 and you're talking and you're acting like things are normal, 0:06:21.400 --> 0:06:23.760 but they're not normal. And you still love her and 0:06:23.800 --> 0:06:25.919 she doesn't love you, and you know that and she 0:06:26.080 --> 0:06:28.440 knows it, and you're saying that all with your eyes, 0:06:28.560 --> 0:06:30.720 not with your words, and you're making small talk about 0:06:30.760 --> 0:06:35.360 the eggnog. It's tough. It's tough. Sometimes you gotta just say, 0:06:36.320 --> 0:06:40.360 you know what, I still love you. I appreciate your 0:06:40.360 --> 0:06:43.760 honesty that you don't love me, but to protect my 0:06:43.880 --> 0:06:46.000 heart moving forward so I can move on and find 0:06:46.040 --> 0:06:49.760 somebody else and get my life back on track. I 0:06:49.760 --> 0:06:51.640 don't think I can go to that Christmas party because 0:06:51.640 --> 0:06:53.520 you're there. I don't think I can go hang out 0:06:53.560 --> 0:06:56.240 with your mom. These are things that are gonna be 0:06:56.360 --> 0:06:59.680 unhealthy for me. Hey, and don't blame me if I 0:07:00.000 --> 0:07:03.200 I to block you on Facebook. It's not personal. I 0:07:03.279 --> 0:07:05.279 just can't see you every day popping up on my 0:07:05.360 --> 0:07:07.600 feed and you're having a good time and you're out 0:07:07.600 --> 0:07:10.280 with your friends, and God forbid, you're finding somebody new 0:07:10.320 --> 0:07:12.960 and I see it on Facebook. I don't think my 0:07:13.040 --> 0:07:16.160 heart could be put up to that. It hurts too bad. 0:07:16.400 --> 0:07:19.280 I loved you too much and I still do. Nate, 0:07:19.280 --> 0:07:20.920 you got to take care of yourself right now. You 0:07:21.000 --> 0:07:24.080 got to protect your heart. This heartbreak is serious and 0:07:24.120 --> 0:07:27.560 it could just go on and on and on unless 0:07:27.600 --> 0:07:30.800 you take the proper steps right now to cut her 0:07:30.880 --> 0:07:35.960 off and start learning to live single and secure. Similar too, 0:07:36.000 --> 0:07:40.720 similar questions. Almost next question says, Hey Granger, I'm TJ. 0:07:40.840 --> 0:07:43.800 I'm twenty years old from a little town of Sheridan, Arkansas. 0:07:44.720 --> 0:07:48.120 I asked this girl out, and I've been interested in 0:07:48.160 --> 0:07:50.680 her for a small while. I just want to make 0:07:50.680 --> 0:07:53.320 a good oppression and do everything right for her. She's 0:07:53.320 --> 0:07:55.320 been on the mind a lot since I asked her. 0:07:55.800 --> 0:07:58.360 We have plans to meet this weekend. She says. She 0:07:58.520 --> 0:08:01.360 believes in God and she's going to college. She's just 0:08:01.400 --> 0:08:05.040 about a year or two older thing is she does 0:08:05.080 --> 0:08:07.120 have a little boy, and I don't really see that 0:08:07.200 --> 0:08:09.920 as a con. Is that bad? Thanks for your music 0:08:09.920 --> 0:08:13.800 and everything you do, Ye TJ, thanks for emailing. Shout 0:08:13.840 --> 0:08:18.040 out to Arkansas. That's that town is really close to 0:08:18.080 --> 0:08:21.160 my one of my bus drivers, butch so I know, 0:08:21.320 --> 0:08:24.560 I know shared in Arkansas very well. So your question, 0:08:25.360 --> 0:08:28.000 you're super young. You're you like a girl. You asked 0:08:28.000 --> 0:08:32.520 her out and she has a little boy. Now you're 0:08:32.559 --> 0:08:34.679 you're saying that's not a con And I don't think 0:08:34.720 --> 0:08:36.920 it is. Either if you love her and or if 0:08:36.960 --> 0:08:39.640 you will love her, and she's a great girl, but 0:08:39.640 --> 0:08:42.959 but it does put a wrinkle in things in terms 0:08:43.000 --> 0:08:46.680 of you. You have to play this a little differently 0:08:46.720 --> 0:08:50.080 than you would a girl with no ties, no commitments, 0:08:50.120 --> 0:08:53.800 no children. The reason I say that is because she's 0:08:53.840 --> 0:08:57.720 a single mom and we have to treat that in 0:08:57.760 --> 0:09:00.800 a special way. Like you're You're gonna have to make 0:09:01.000 --> 0:09:05.240 arrangements with her always with this child in mind, and 0:09:05.640 --> 0:09:08.800 she's gonna put that child first until she gets remarried. 0:09:09.320 --> 0:09:11.760 She's gonna put this child first. So you're gonna have 0:09:11.760 --> 0:09:14.840 to play second to the little boy. That's not a 0:09:14.880 --> 0:09:17.000 bad thing, but you have to be aware of that 0:09:17.120 --> 0:09:24.000 your second place for her until she remarries. I want 0:09:24.000 --> 0:09:27.560 you to be very aware of that. I want you 0:09:27.640 --> 0:09:30.440 to be very aware that this is not something we 0:09:30.480 --> 0:09:32.920 play around with. You won't play around with single moms. 0:09:33.760 --> 0:09:37.800 This is not casual dating. She's looking to find a 0:09:37.840 --> 0:09:40.080 man in her life. She's looking to find a solid 0:09:40.160 --> 0:09:43.720 father figure for her little boy, and that's not something 0:09:43.760 --> 0:09:46.320 to take lightly. You can't let that be lost on 0:09:46.400 --> 0:09:50.199 you that that's what she's looking for. So this isn't 0:09:50.360 --> 0:09:53.280 This isn't your casual go out have fun, maybe or 0:09:53.320 --> 0:09:55.480 maybe not like her or not. You've got to be 0:09:55.520 --> 0:09:58.680 super honest, super up forward, state your intentions from the 0:09:58.760 --> 0:10:01.120 very beginning. This is what I have in mind. This 0:10:01.160 --> 0:10:02.880 is how I feel about you. This is how I 0:10:02.920 --> 0:10:05.120 don't feel about you. This is how I feel about 0:10:05.160 --> 0:10:06.840 your little boy. This is how I feel about you 0:10:06.880 --> 0:10:10.000 being a single mom. Let's be completely honest. Let's open 0:10:10.080 --> 0:10:13.040 up communication more than you would, maybe a little bit 0:10:13.040 --> 0:10:15.560 more than you're comfortable in doing. But that's what she deserves. 0:10:15.600 --> 0:10:18.240 She deserves your straight up honesty. And if you don't 0:10:18.280 --> 0:10:21.120 like her after date three, you tell her, hey, I 0:10:21.160 --> 0:10:22.520 don't think this is going to work out. I think 0:10:22.559 --> 0:10:23.920 you're a great girl. I think you got a great 0:10:23.960 --> 0:10:25.480 little boy. But I want to be honest with you. 0:10:25.520 --> 0:10:28.600 I don't want to waste your time because your clock 0:10:28.679 --> 0:10:31.120 is ticking. You need to find a father figure for 0:10:31.160 --> 0:10:35.920 this boy, and I don't think it's me. So be honest. 0:10:36.000 --> 0:10:40.320 Don't drag this out, don't be deceptive to her. Okay, now, 0:10:40.320 --> 0:10:42.240 I think you should do that in any relationship, but 0:10:42.280 --> 0:10:44.120 you're more hyper aware of it now that she's a 0:10:44.160 --> 0:10:49.040 single mom. Subdecline here how to forgive my mom? Hey Granger, 0:10:49.640 --> 0:10:51.920 my name is Kate. I'm from North Dakota. I'm twenty 0:10:51.960 --> 0:10:54.000 years old. Last time I saw my mom was when 0:10:54.000 --> 0:10:57.000 I was sixteen. My mom and I don't have a 0:10:57.080 --> 0:11:00.800 relationship anymore, and we never really did, even though she 0:11:00.840 --> 0:11:03.120 found out she was pregnant with me, and she didn't 0:11:03.160 --> 0:11:06.280 want to give me up growing up or excuse me, 0:11:06.320 --> 0:11:09.400 she didn't want me growing up. It was always about 0:11:09.440 --> 0:11:13.040 my brother and she never really cared about me. She 0:11:13.080 --> 0:11:15.040 would kick me out when I was the age of seven, 0:11:15.720 --> 0:11:18.760 so my dad would come to get me, usually within 0:11:18.840 --> 0:11:22.640 the first thirty minutes of me being with her. There's 0:11:22.679 --> 0:11:25.400 a lot of other things that she did that were worse. 0:11:25.440 --> 0:11:27.760 But now that I'm older, this is still affecting me 0:11:28.400 --> 0:11:30.880 since I keep learning more and more stuff about what 0:11:30.960 --> 0:11:33.840 she did to me. I haven't seen her since I 0:11:33.840 --> 0:11:35.760 was sixteen, and I wish I could just forgive her 0:11:36.240 --> 0:11:38.840 and forget. But the more I learned, the more I 0:11:38.920 --> 0:11:42.200 hate her. How could I just learn to forget about 0:11:42.240 --> 0:11:45.600 all that she's done so that it could affect me less. 0:11:45.600 --> 0:11:50.319 Thanks for your time, Kate. Yeah, Kate, thanks for the email. 0:11:50.320 --> 0:11:52.320 Shout out to North Dakota. I've been there a couple 0:11:52.360 --> 0:11:56.200 times this year. I love that state. Tough situation, and 0:11:56.240 --> 0:11:58.640 thank you for being vulnerable and open it up on 0:11:58.679 --> 0:12:02.080 this podcast. So forgiveness is a is a tricky thing 0:12:03.320 --> 0:12:07.600 because it's it's very difficult for our heart to forgive. 0:12:08.920 --> 0:12:11.400 It's very difficult for our heart to do a lot 0:12:11.400 --> 0:12:14.240 of things. And our mind, on the other hand, like 0:12:14.280 --> 0:12:17.160 your mind is clear in this email that what you 0:12:17.200 --> 0:12:20.360 want to do that with your brain is you want 0:12:20.360 --> 0:12:23.520 to say, I just want to forgive her so I 0:12:23.559 --> 0:12:25.719 can move on and it could affect me less. That's 0:12:25.760 --> 0:12:28.560 what your brain is saying, but your heart is saying, no, 0:12:28.679 --> 0:12:32.320 I hate her. I can't forgive someone I hate even 0:12:32.360 --> 0:12:35.679 though this is my biological mother, she has done terrible 0:12:35.679 --> 0:12:39.440 things to me. She has affected me negatively as I 0:12:39.480 --> 0:12:43.680 grew up, and I don't want to forgive her. So 0:12:43.800 --> 0:12:47.199 let's let's unpack that, because we could say, we could 0:12:47.240 --> 0:12:52.959 say several things about this one. You you are who 0:12:53.000 --> 0:12:58.160 you are, the strong woman that you are, Kate, because 0:12:58.200 --> 0:13:00.839 of the lack of mother that you had growing up. 0:13:01.559 --> 0:13:05.240 So take that away and you're a different person, maybe 0:13:05.280 --> 0:13:08.560 not as good a person, Which is interesting, right, because 0:13:08.760 --> 0:13:12.120 we're always a product of how we were brought up 0:13:12.480 --> 0:13:16.120 and the surroundings and the people that we put ourselves 0:13:16.120 --> 0:13:18.600 in the same circle with. We're a product of that. 0:13:20.200 --> 0:13:21.800 So it's interesting to think that if you take that 0:13:21.840 --> 0:13:24.600 away from you, you're more than likely less of a 0:13:24.640 --> 0:13:28.400 person because without that affliction and that suffering, without you 0:13:28.520 --> 0:13:32.960 being refined like gold and hot fire, you're not the 0:13:33.040 --> 0:13:36.120 refined human that you are today. So that's a good thing. 0:13:36.640 --> 0:13:38.400 So in a lot of ways, you could thank her 0:13:38.440 --> 0:13:41.160 for that, even though she didn't mean for you to 0:13:41.200 --> 0:13:43.600 be a better person. She didn't mean for you to 0:13:43.640 --> 0:13:47.320 be a refined piece of gold, but that's what she did. 0:13:47.960 --> 0:13:51.439 And so in a strange way, you thank her for that. 0:13:51.440 --> 0:13:54.080 That's one thing to unpack. The other thing is forgiveness. 0:13:54.200 --> 0:13:56.840 Like I said, it's a tricky thing. Your mind knows 0:13:56.840 --> 0:14:00.840 that you should, the Bible says that you should, and 0:14:01.640 --> 0:14:05.520 sometimes when it comes to forgiveness, we have to say 0:14:05.559 --> 0:14:09.000 things out loud and say it to her, and say 0:14:09.040 --> 0:14:12.079 it to ourselves and preach it to ourselves, and then 0:14:12.200 --> 0:14:15.280 let our heart catch up to that later. So I'm 0:14:15.280 --> 0:14:17.560 not expecting you to say, Mom, I forgive you. I 0:14:17.600 --> 0:14:21.920 officially forgive you, and I'm moving on. I'm not expecting 0:14:21.960 --> 0:14:26.160 you to say that and believe it. You know what 0:14:26.200 --> 0:14:28.640 I mean. So there's a difference between saying and believing 0:14:28.640 --> 0:14:32.760 at the same time, and saying it and knowing that 0:14:32.760 --> 0:14:34.960 that's right, that's the right thing to do, and I 0:14:35.040 --> 0:14:38.080 believe you're correct, and saying you need to forgive her, 0:14:38.120 --> 0:14:41.760 you need to love her as your biological mother, regardless 0:14:41.760 --> 0:14:44.120 of what she's done, because you can't control what she's 0:14:44.160 --> 0:14:47.880 done and you can't control who she is. But you 0:14:47.920 --> 0:14:52.040 can only control the controllables, which is you and your 0:14:52.080 --> 0:14:57.120 reaction to her. So tell her mom, I gotta tell you, 0:14:57.280 --> 0:15:03.320 call her up. I gotta tell you. I just love 0:15:03.360 --> 0:15:07.200 you and I forgive you, and you don't have to 0:15:07.240 --> 0:15:10.560 say but, or here's what you did wrong, or let 0:15:10.600 --> 0:15:12.400 me make a the list of things that you did 0:15:12.480 --> 0:15:17.200 that hurt me. Because she knows. She's a human. She 0:15:17.280 --> 0:15:20.400 might be prideful, she might not admit it, but of 0:15:20.440 --> 0:15:24.200 course she knows. Any human knows, any mother knows. She 0:15:24.320 --> 0:15:27.360 knows exactly what happened, she knows exactly what she's still 0:15:27.400 --> 0:15:30.480 continuing to do. She knows the damage that's been done. 0:15:31.200 --> 0:15:32.880 So you don't need to tell her. You don't need 0:15:32.920 --> 0:15:36.120 a reminder. That doesn't do any good for you. But 0:15:36.200 --> 0:15:38.000 you tell her I love you and I forgive you, 0:15:39.080 --> 0:15:41.240 and your heart is screaming inside your chest. It's going, 0:15:41.280 --> 0:15:44.120 I don't forgive you. I hate you. I don't love you. 0:15:44.280 --> 0:15:46.840 I hate you, Mom. That's what your heart is telling you, 0:15:47.040 --> 0:15:49.880 but your brain says, no, I'm gonna say this. I'm 0:15:49.880 --> 0:15:52.520 gonna put this out there, and I'm gonna say it 0:15:52.560 --> 0:15:56.240 over and over until my heart finally catches up. It's 0:15:56.280 --> 0:15:58.440 like a war of attrition against your heart. Your brain 0:15:58.760 --> 0:16:01.920 and your heart are at war always. Sometimes they line up. 0:16:02.400 --> 0:16:07.880 Sometimes they do, and you're blessed if they do. But 0:16:07.920 --> 0:16:10.040 a lot of times they don't, and so during this 0:16:10.080 --> 0:16:13.320 war of attrition, your mind needs to win, not your heart. 0:16:13.520 --> 0:16:17.480 Your feelings don't get to win over your thoughts because 0:16:17.480 --> 0:16:20.800 your thoughts are calculating everything around you. Your heart is 0:16:20.840 --> 0:16:24.520 thinking in one direction, just with your gut feeling, and 0:16:24.600 --> 0:16:28.400 we cannot trust our gut feeling. So use your brain 0:16:28.480 --> 0:16:30.840 and go get there. You know what I am who 0:16:30.880 --> 0:16:33.000 I am because I'm a mom, and she brought me 0:16:33.080 --> 0:16:35.080 to this world. She might not even have wanted me. 0:16:35.120 --> 0:16:37.360 She might have given more attention to my brother, she 0:16:37.480 --> 0:16:39.960 might have shipped me off to my dad. But you 0:16:40.000 --> 0:16:42.080 know what, I got a good dad. A lot of 0:16:42.080 --> 0:16:45.560 people don't. I got a good dad, and I got 0:16:45.600 --> 0:16:48.520 a mom that's still alive a lot of people don't. 0:16:49.280 --> 0:16:50.800 And I could still tell her that I love her, 0:16:52.240 --> 0:16:55.600 and a lot of people can't. And I might not 0:16:55.640 --> 0:16:57.320 get that back from her, but I don't need that 0:16:57.440 --> 0:17:01.080 back from her because I can't control that. So I'm 0:17:01.120 --> 0:17:03.040 gonna tell her I forgive her and I love her, 0:17:03.160 --> 0:17:07.200 And eventually, after I say it enough times, my heart 0:17:07.200 --> 0:17:09.800 will catch up to it, and then you'll be better 0:17:09.840 --> 0:17:14.000 for it. Let's hit one more and take a break. 0:17:17.040 --> 0:17:20.600 Interesting subject, cliente says am I being selfish, mister Smith, 0:17:20.600 --> 0:17:22.920 I'd like to remain anonymous. I have a four year 0:17:22.960 --> 0:17:27.000 old boy. I uprooted my life and moved states to 0:17:27.040 --> 0:17:30.800 be with my current girlfriend. His mom lives hours away 0:17:30.800 --> 0:17:34.160 from me. My current girlfriend thinks that he will do 0:17:34.240 --> 0:17:38.040 better at his mom's rather than at our house. She 0:17:38.080 --> 0:17:40.679 seems to be more and more pushy about the subject. 0:17:41.000 --> 0:17:44.840 She says it's because she doesn't listen to her, and 0:17:45.080 --> 0:17:48.080 when he's at his mom's he wasn't acting the way 0:17:48.080 --> 0:17:52.240 he acts here. I just want to I just don't 0:17:52.240 --> 0:17:54.760 want to go because I don't want to miss out. 0:17:54.920 --> 0:17:57.720 Is this me being selfish? I also feel like if 0:17:57.760 --> 0:18:01.600 he stays, I lose my girlfriend and my kids two 0:18:01.640 --> 0:18:05.240 boys and one girl. One boy we have together, and 0:18:05.320 --> 0:18:08.600 she had a girl before me. Been a longtime fan. 0:18:08.680 --> 0:18:15.480 Love your concerts. Thanks for your time. Yeee okay, Anonymous. Tough, tough, 0:18:15.760 --> 0:18:19.280 tough situation, sticky, A lot of a lot of deal 0:18:19.359 --> 0:18:23.239 A lot of a lot of variables here, So I'm 0:18:23.240 --> 0:18:27.480 going to recap this so my own brain understands. You 0:18:27.640 --> 0:18:34.159 have a four year old boy, baby mama lives away 0:18:34.200 --> 0:18:39.000 from you guys, and your current girlfriend doesn't really want 0:18:39.119 --> 0:18:42.439 much to do with the boy. She has her own kids. 0:18:43.800 --> 0:18:45.800 She's blaming it on the four year old boy doesn't 0:18:45.840 --> 0:18:50.480 listen to her, and he listens to his mama, his 0:18:50.560 --> 0:18:57.600 baby mama. More you you're questioning if you're being selfish 0:18:57.720 --> 0:19:02.439 by loving your own for year old boy and not 0:19:02.560 --> 0:19:10.919 being as respecting your girlfriend's wishes, which you have. You 0:19:10.960 --> 0:19:13.680 have a boy together. This is complicated. I'm trying to 0:19:13.680 --> 0:19:20.879 figure it out myself. So you guys, there's a lot 0:19:20.920 --> 0:19:23.760 of floating variables here. But here's the deal. Let me 0:19:23.800 --> 0:19:26.199 just focus on one thing since I don't totally understand 0:19:26.240 --> 0:19:32.040 the family dynamic. You're never ever going to be selfish 0:19:33.320 --> 0:19:37.800 by giving attention to your four year old boy, which 0:19:37.880 --> 0:19:42.480 four year olds are difficult. I mean, he's not minding 0:19:42.720 --> 0:19:47.640 your girlfriend, of course he's not. What does she expect? 0:19:48.119 --> 0:19:50.639 What does she expect him? Just to be totally obedient 0:19:50.680 --> 0:19:55.360 to a girlfriend I want to say random girlfriend. Sorry, 0:19:55.560 --> 0:19:59.480 that's disrespectful. But of course he's not minding her. Of 0:19:59.480 --> 0:20:01.040 course he's not to listen to her more than his 0:20:01.080 --> 0:20:06.240 own biological mother. This is this is a complicated issue, 0:20:06.240 --> 0:20:08.679 but you're you take selfish out of it, because if 0:20:08.720 --> 0:20:10.920 you're giving attention to your boy. If you're doing what's 0:20:10.960 --> 0:20:14.520 best for your boy, not to the girlfriend that you 0:20:14.720 --> 0:20:18.359 haven't married yet, that's not being selfish. That's being a 0:20:18.440 --> 0:20:23.280 responsible dad to a child you brought into this world. 0:20:24.680 --> 0:20:27.960 So I say this out of love, and I'm not 0:20:28.000 --> 0:20:30.200 trying to knock you at all, but man, turn away 0:20:30.200 --> 0:20:34.840 from that thought. Once again. I'm not totally sure if 0:20:34.840 --> 0:20:37.760 that's what you mean by being selfish, but I think 0:20:37.760 --> 0:20:40.680 it does. And I don't want you to ever think 0:20:40.720 --> 0:20:45.400 you're being selfish by giving attention to your boy. Now 0:20:45.400 --> 0:20:49.000 that that comes ahead of your girlfriend's kids. It comes 0:20:49.040 --> 0:20:52.359 ahead of your girlfriend until you marry her and she's 0:20:52.400 --> 0:20:55.600 your wife and she becomes your number one in your family. 0:20:57.119 --> 0:21:01.320 Until then, Right now, your priority is your boy, not 0:21:01.440 --> 0:21:06.159 your girlfriend. Because I can tell you right now just 0:21:06.359 --> 0:21:10.040 hearing your story, girlfriends, this is probably not your last 0:21:10.040 --> 0:21:12.040 one you're going to have in your life. There's probably 0:21:12.080 --> 0:21:15.240 going to be another one. But this is this is 0:21:15.320 --> 0:21:18.879 This boy is only four years old one time right now, 0:21:20.040 --> 0:21:23.760 and he needs his daddy. And we could tie all 0:21:23.760 --> 0:21:28.480 these questions together with that that I've read today, But 0:21:28.560 --> 0:21:31.479 this four year old boy needs his daddy more than 0:21:31.520 --> 0:21:36.200 this girl needs her boyfriend, Stack up the priorities, get 0:21:36.240 --> 0:21:40.560 him right, get him straight. You don't have to neglect 0:21:40.640 --> 0:21:44.040 your girlfriend or her kids. You don't have to neglect 0:21:44.560 --> 0:21:49.120 baby mama. You don't have to. You could spread yourself out. 0:21:49.160 --> 0:21:52.320 You could still work a job and be a super 0:21:52.400 --> 0:21:56.280 dad and float around and be there for all these people. 0:21:56.280 --> 0:21:59.520 But you got to put that boy first because he's 0:21:59.520 --> 0:22:02.600 grown up. Asked, and the story I read right before this, 0:22:03.440 --> 0:22:06.560 when the mama didn't want the girl, Look what happens. 0:22:07.560 --> 0:22:10.760 You get a twenty year old boy that says, I'm 0:22:10.800 --> 0:22:13.960 so confused, i don't know anything in this life. I'm worried, 0:22:14.000 --> 0:22:16.480 I'm stressed out. My dad didn't really want me. He 0:22:16.600 --> 0:22:19.520 spent more attention to his girlfriend and her kids and 0:22:19.640 --> 0:22:24.239 not me. You don't want that. That's a problem you 0:22:24.280 --> 0:22:25.960 don't want to have. You don't want to email me 0:22:25.960 --> 0:22:30.320 with that question. So you have right now, this present moment, 0:22:31.160 --> 0:22:35.119 to make sure you get this fixed, seared up, taken 0:22:35.160 --> 0:22:40.000 care of. Be a responsible dad. That's your priority. Let's 0:22:40.040 --> 0:22:47.199 take a break and bear it back. Thanks for listening 0:22:47.240 --> 0:22:49.439 to the podcast. You all. This episode is brought to 0:22:49.440 --> 0:22:53.080 you by Better Help, and this is actually very relevant 0:22:53.080 --> 0:22:56.120 to these questions I've been answering today. How well would 0:22:56.160 --> 0:22:57.840 you take care of your car if you had to 0:22:57.920 --> 0:23:01.239