1 00:00:15,476 --> 00:00:25,796 Speaker 1: Pushkin Happy. International Day of Happiness. The world has been 2 00:00:25,836 --> 00:00:28,636 Speaker 1: marking March twentieth as a day dedicated to happiness for 3 00:00:28,716 --> 00:00:31,196 Speaker 1: over a decade, part of a worldwide push to get 4 00:00:31,196 --> 00:00:34,636 Speaker 1: governments to take happiness more seriously and to enact policies 5 00:00:34,676 --> 00:00:37,796 Speaker 1: that improve our well being. International Day of Happiness also 6 00:00:37,836 --> 00:00:40,876 Speaker 1: marks the release of the World Happiness Report, and Happiness 7 00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:43,076 Speaker 1: Lab has been given early access to all the new 8 00:00:43,116 --> 00:00:46,036 Speaker 1: research this report contains, and over the next two episodes, 9 00:00:46,156 --> 00:00:48,636 Speaker 1: we've got lots of highlights, including things you can do 10 00:00:48,756 --> 00:00:51,876 Speaker 1: right now to improve your life. The most famous headline 11 00:00:51,876 --> 00:00:54,316 Speaker 1: grabbing part of each year's World Happiness Report are the 12 00:00:54,316 --> 00:00:56,956 Speaker 1: country rankings. People around the world are asked, on a 13 00:00:56,996 --> 00:00:59,316 Speaker 1: scale of one to ten, how satisfied are you with 14 00:00:59,356 --> 00:01:02,316 Speaker 1: your life? The crown for the happiest people usually goes 15 00:01:02,356 --> 00:01:05,036 Speaker 1: to a country somewhere in Scandinavia, and this year the 16 00:01:05,036 --> 00:01:06,156 Speaker 1: happiest country. 17 00:01:05,916 --> 00:01:12,316 Speaker 2: Is Bendland again, followed by Denmark and Iceland and Sweden 18 00:01:12,316 --> 00:01:13,076 Speaker 2: and the Netherlands. 19 00:01:13,076 --> 00:01:17,036 Speaker 1: I think this is yan. Emmanuel Denev, professor of economics 20 00:01:17,036 --> 00:01:20,236 Speaker 1: and behavioral science at the University of Oxford, an editor 21 00:01:20,316 --> 00:01:22,996 Speaker 1: of the World Happiness Report. During the years he studied 22 00:01:22,996 --> 00:01:26,476 Speaker 1: these country data. He's knowniced some changes. The rankings used 23 00:01:26,476 --> 00:01:29,036 Speaker 1: to be dominated by the big rich nations, but all 24 00:01:29,076 --> 00:01:29,796 Speaker 1: that's changing. 25 00:01:30,156 --> 00:01:33,716 Speaker 2: Mexico and Costa Rica entered the top ten hugely, exciting 26 00:01:33,716 --> 00:01:36,796 Speaker 2: a kudos to them. Eastern European countries continued their ascent, 27 00:01:37,156 --> 00:01:40,596 Speaker 2: and that goes at the expense of the large industrial powers. 28 00:01:40,716 --> 00:01:43,636 Speaker 2: So Germany tumbles out of top twenty, the UK tumbles 29 00:01:43,676 --> 00:01:45,556 Speaker 2: out of the top twenty, and the US drops the 30 00:01:45,636 --> 00:01:49,316 Speaker 2: twenty fourth wow. And then at the very bottom Afghanistan 31 00:01:49,556 --> 00:01:53,916 Speaker 2: still and this time average life satisfaction in Afghanistan SETAI 32 00:01:54,636 --> 00:01:57,076 Speaker 2: one point thirty four out of ten. 33 00:01:57,356 --> 00:01:57,676 Speaker 3: Wow. 34 00:01:58,596 --> 00:02:01,116 Speaker 1: As I said before, the country rankings tend to grab 35 00:02:01,116 --> 00:02:03,916 Speaker 1: the headlines, but scientists like Yan and I are even 36 00:02:03,956 --> 00:02:07,276 Speaker 1: more interested in what's causing these differences in life satisfaction, 37 00:02:07,956 --> 00:02:11,156 Speaker 1: and one of the big factors might involve eating. There's 38 00:02:11,156 --> 00:02:13,556 Speaker 1: been a ton of discussion about what we eat, but 39 00:02:13,636 --> 00:02:16,996 Speaker 1: the World Happiness Report takes a different approach. It focuses 40 00:02:16,996 --> 00:02:19,796 Speaker 1: on who we're eating with. We tend to eat fourteen 41 00:02:19,796 --> 00:02:22,236 Speaker 1: big meals a week. Who are we spending time with 42 00:02:22,396 --> 00:02:24,996 Speaker 1: during all those lunches and dinners. Well, it turns out 43 00:02:24,996 --> 00:02:27,036 Speaker 1: that the answer to that question seems to have a 44 00:02:27,076 --> 00:02:30,036 Speaker 1: big impact on our well being because the World Happiness 45 00:02:30,036 --> 00:02:33,116 Speaker 1: Report found that some people share meals with others, while 46 00:02:33,156 --> 00:02:36,556 Speaker 1: some folks are going hungry for company. So why focus 47 00:02:36,596 --> 00:02:37,276 Speaker 1: on sharing. 48 00:02:37,036 --> 00:02:40,236 Speaker 2: Meals the extent to which people share meals together as 49 00:02:40,276 --> 00:02:42,956 Speaker 2: a proxy for the quality of our social connections and 50 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:45,076 Speaker 2: the quantity of social connections that we have, essentially our 51 00:02:45,076 --> 00:02:47,596 Speaker 2: social capital, if you will, in the last seven days, 52 00:02:47,596 --> 00:02:49,876 Speaker 2: over the past week, how many of your lunches and 53 00:02:49,956 --> 00:02:53,396 Speaker 2: dinners were shared with somebody else? So about one and 54 00:02:53,556 --> 00:02:56,996 Speaker 2: six people approximately in the United States we're dining alone 55 00:02:57,076 --> 00:02:59,036 Speaker 2: in the early two thousands, two thousand and three to 56 00:02:59,116 --> 00:03:01,236 Speaker 2: be precise, and that's going up to one in four 57 00:03:01,276 --> 00:03:04,356 Speaker 2: people is dining alone in the United States by about 58 00:03:04,356 --> 00:03:07,316 Speaker 2: twenty twenty three, So that's a fifty three percent increase 59 00:03:07,436 --> 00:03:11,756 Speaker 2: or so in dining alone, but strikingly mostly youth, to 60 00:03:11,836 --> 00:03:14,636 Speaker 2: be really precise. Youth are almost twice as likely to 61 00:03:14,676 --> 00:03:18,196 Speaker 2: be dining alone today as compared to two decades ago. 62 00:03:18,356 --> 00:03:21,636 Speaker 2: And I thought, wow, these. 63 00:03:21,476 --> 00:03:24,636 Speaker 1: Findings are huge because eating alone is pretty bad for you, 64 00:03:25,076 --> 00:03:27,156 Speaker 1: and a lot of us are finding ourselves having winter 65 00:03:27,236 --> 00:03:29,956 Speaker 1: dinner by ourselves. Even when we have families around us 66 00:03:29,996 --> 00:03:33,316 Speaker 1: at home, colleagues at work, or peers at college, it's 67 00:03:33,356 --> 00:03:35,596 Speaker 1: so easy to end up eating alone. So I've turned 68 00:03:35,596 --> 00:03:39,476 Speaker 1: to an experienced clinical psychologist, family therapist in an advocate 69 00:03:39,516 --> 00:03:41,436 Speaker 1: for shared meals. For advice, you. 70 00:03:41,396 --> 00:03:43,836 Speaker 3: Could set the clock by my father walking through the 71 00:03:43,876 --> 00:03:47,436 Speaker 3: door at seven o'clock and dinner started at ten after seven. 72 00:03:47,716 --> 00:03:50,916 Speaker 1: This is doctor Ann Fischel, Associate professor at the Harvard 73 00:03:50,916 --> 00:03:51,596 Speaker 1: Medical School. 74 00:03:51,796 --> 00:03:53,556 Speaker 3: He would get out of his suit and put on 75 00:03:53,636 --> 00:03:56,596 Speaker 3: his play clothes and we would sit down, my mother, 76 00:03:56,716 --> 00:03:59,876 Speaker 3: my father, and my sister. We didn't really do any 77 00:03:59,876 --> 00:04:04,516 Speaker 3: other rituals. We didn't have Thanksgiving, but dinner was sank 78 00:04:04,596 --> 00:04:08,116 Speaker 3: or sangd and my mother didn't like to be stuck 79 00:04:08,116 --> 00:04:12,076 Speaker 3: in the kitchen, so every meal she made was super quick, 80 00:04:12,396 --> 00:04:15,276 Speaker 3: so quick. The years later, when I hosted my first 81 00:04:15,276 --> 00:04:18,956 Speaker 3: dinner party, I put a chicken, a roast chicken in 82 00:04:19,156 --> 00:04:22,036 Speaker 3: and took it out after thirty minutes, because I'd never 83 00:04:22,076 --> 00:04:24,396 Speaker 3: seen her spend more than thirty minutes in the kitchen. 84 00:04:24,436 --> 00:04:28,076 Speaker 3: And of course it was a bloody mess. But anyway, 85 00:04:28,116 --> 00:04:31,756 Speaker 3: those dinners were really important to me as a child, 86 00:04:31,876 --> 00:04:34,676 Speaker 3: and looking back, I realized that a lot of the 87 00:04:34,716 --> 00:04:38,756 Speaker 3: things that I know now about being a family therapist 88 00:04:39,076 --> 00:04:42,196 Speaker 3: I learned around my childhood dinner table. You know how 89 00:04:42,196 --> 00:04:45,996 Speaker 3: to diffuse conflict, how even if somebody's quiet, it doesn't 90 00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:47,996 Speaker 3: mean that they don't have a lot of things on 91 00:04:48,036 --> 00:04:51,276 Speaker 3: their mind. How important it is to draw everybody out 92 00:04:51,356 --> 00:04:54,756 Speaker 3: so everybody has a chance to talk. How fun it 93 00:04:54,796 --> 00:04:58,156 Speaker 3: is to hear stories about family members, to hear gossip 94 00:04:58,196 --> 00:05:01,556 Speaker 3: about people in the building or the neighborhood. So all 95 00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:03,476 Speaker 3: of that I learned at my dinner table. 96 00:05:03,956 --> 00:05:05,836 Speaker 1: And such a believer in the virtues of us all 97 00:05:05,876 --> 00:05:08,996 Speaker 1: eating together that she helped found the Family Dinner Project. 98 00:05:09,316 --> 00:05:11,276 Speaker 1: I asked her to explain a little bit about it. 99 00:05:11,636 --> 00:05:14,956 Speaker 3: So I was one of the co founders in twenty ten, 100 00:05:15,436 --> 00:05:19,476 Speaker 3: and the mission is to build on the research based 101 00:05:19,636 --> 00:05:23,916 Speaker 3: benefits of family dinner, the benefits that come from regular 102 00:05:23,956 --> 00:05:29,236 Speaker 3: family dinners that bring nutritional, cognitive, and mental health benefits. 103 00:05:29,516 --> 00:05:34,356 Speaker 3: I define family really broadly. Family is anybody who makes 104 00:05:34,396 --> 00:05:38,916 Speaker 3: you feel like home. Family is anywhere that you find community. 105 00:05:39,436 --> 00:05:42,836 Speaker 3: That could be people who aren't related to you. I'm 106 00:05:42,916 --> 00:05:46,796 Speaker 3: starting to work with patients with dementia, and I would 107 00:05:46,836 --> 00:05:50,596 Speaker 3: say part of their family are the other residents in 108 00:05:50,636 --> 00:05:53,676 Speaker 3: the memory care unit as well as the caregivers. It 109 00:05:53,676 --> 00:05:57,356 Speaker 3: can be college age kids eating together in a cafeteria. 110 00:05:57,836 --> 00:06:01,116 Speaker 3: It can be friends coming over for a tired Wednesday 111 00:06:01,196 --> 00:06:04,316 Speaker 3: night dinner. And what we found was that ninety percent 112 00:06:04,436 --> 00:06:07,396 Speaker 3: of most American families think that family dinners are a 113 00:06:07,396 --> 00:06:11,116 Speaker 3: great idea, but more than fifty percent of families are 114 00:06:11,116 --> 00:06:15,556 Speaker 3: eating dinner together. So the Family Dinner Project was designed 115 00:06:15,756 --> 00:06:20,036 Speaker 3: to bridge that gap, to make it easier, more doable, simpler, 116 00:06:20,196 --> 00:06:24,076 Speaker 3: more fun, more meaningful, so that more families could harness 117 00:06:24,276 --> 00:06:27,036 Speaker 3: these research back benefits of family dinner. 118 00:06:27,556 --> 00:06:30,196 Speaker 1: And so let's talk about why family dinners are so important. 119 00:06:30,236 --> 00:06:32,596 Speaker 1: Maybe starting with the physical health benefits. How can our 120 00:06:32,636 --> 00:06:35,396 Speaker 1: physical health benefit from kind of having more family dinners. 121 00:06:35,876 --> 00:06:38,276 Speaker 3: So, there are a lot of nutritional benefits that come 122 00:06:38,396 --> 00:06:41,476 Speaker 3: from home cooked meals, even if you're not trying that hard. 123 00:06:41,676 --> 00:06:44,996 Speaker 3: Portion size tends to be smaller than the restaurant equivalents, 124 00:06:45,036 --> 00:06:49,196 Speaker 3: which may account for lower OBCD rates associated with regular 125 00:06:49,236 --> 00:06:52,036 Speaker 3: family dinners. But also home cooked meals tend to be 126 00:06:52,196 --> 00:06:55,876 Speaker 3: lower in sugar and salt and fat, and higher and 127 00:06:55,876 --> 00:06:59,876 Speaker 3: fruits and vegetables and other nutrients. It's also associated with 128 00:07:00,116 --> 00:07:04,716 Speaker 3: better cardiovascular healths in young teens and also associated with 129 00:07:05,036 --> 00:07:08,676 Speaker 3: lower asthma symptoms, which may be a little puzzling. Maybe 130 00:07:08,676 --> 00:07:13,036 Speaker 3: it speaks because sometimes asthma's associated with anxiety, which is 131 00:07:13,356 --> 00:07:17,436 Speaker 3: lowered if the dinner is relaxing and not so stressful. 132 00:07:17,596 --> 00:07:21,076 Speaker 3: Maybe it's because parents can remind their kids to take medication. 133 00:07:21,396 --> 00:07:23,676 Speaker 3: So these are some of the health benefits. 134 00:07:23,956 --> 00:07:26,076 Speaker 1: So your anxiety comment also reminds me that there are 135 00:07:26,116 --> 00:07:28,916 Speaker 1: lots of mental health benefits to family dinners. What are 136 00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:29,676 Speaker 1: some of those. 137 00:07:29,716 --> 00:07:32,436 Speaker 3: There really are? I mean, there's so many that as 138 00:07:32,476 --> 00:07:34,956 Speaker 3: a family therapist that sort of joke, I could almost 139 00:07:35,036 --> 00:07:38,476 Speaker 3: be out of business if more families had regular family dinners. 140 00:07:38,796 --> 00:07:42,356 Speaker 3: So they're associated with, on the part of kids, lower 141 00:07:42,436 --> 00:07:46,956 Speaker 3: rates of anxiety and depression, lower rates of substance use 142 00:07:47,156 --> 00:07:50,996 Speaker 3: and teenage pregnancy, lower rates of eating disorders, and on 143 00:07:51,036 --> 00:07:55,716 Speaker 3: the upside, with more resilience, more self esteem, and kids 144 00:07:55,756 --> 00:07:58,556 Speaker 3: reporting that they feel more connected to their parents when 145 00:07:58,556 --> 00:08:01,316 Speaker 3: they have regular family dinners. And then it turns out 146 00:08:01,316 --> 00:08:04,556 Speaker 3: their mental health benefits for adults too, lower rates of 147 00:08:04,556 --> 00:08:08,236 Speaker 3: depression and anxiety for adults who eat with their kids, 148 00:08:08,276 --> 00:08:11,196 Speaker 3: but also adults who eat with other adults I can 149 00:08:11,236 --> 00:08:14,236 Speaker 3: get very, very excited about the mental health benefits. 150 00:08:14,556 --> 00:08:17,116 Speaker 1: Another benefit that was surprising when I first started reading 151 00:08:17,156 --> 00:08:19,516 Speaker 1: your work is this idea that they're also especially for kids, 152 00:08:19,556 --> 00:08:22,636 Speaker 1: these cognitive and academic benefits that come from family dinners. 153 00:08:22,676 --> 00:08:23,636 Speaker 1: What do we know about those? 154 00:08:24,076 --> 00:08:28,316 Speaker 3: Yeah, so for young kids or preschoolers and toddlers, the 155 00:08:28,516 --> 00:08:31,756 Speaker 3: language that they hear around the dinner table as their 156 00:08:31,796 --> 00:08:35,076 Speaker 3: parents are sort of casually catching up about the day, 157 00:08:35,556 --> 00:08:40,916 Speaker 3: those little stories contain ten times more unusual or rare 158 00:08:40,996 --> 00:08:43,676 Speaker 3: words than would be expected for a two year old 159 00:08:43,796 --> 00:08:46,076 Speaker 3: or a three year old to know, and ten times 160 00:08:46,156 --> 00:08:49,556 Speaker 3: more unusual words than would show up in picture books 161 00:08:49,596 --> 00:08:52,116 Speaker 3: that kids are read to. I think why that's significant 162 00:08:52,156 --> 00:08:55,996 Speaker 3: is that kids who have larger vocabularies read earlier and 163 00:08:56,076 --> 00:08:59,716 Speaker 3: more easily than kids who have slimmer vocabularies. I was 164 00:08:59,836 --> 00:09:02,756 Speaker 3: just quoting this research to my son, who has a 165 00:09:03,116 --> 00:09:06,716 Speaker 3: two year old grandchild, and she was saying, to her parents, 166 00:09:06,996 --> 00:09:10,956 Speaker 3: what are you two talking about? I said, that's so great. 167 00:09:11,156 --> 00:09:12,636 Speaker 3: You know, I hope you told her what you were 168 00:09:12,676 --> 00:09:15,236 Speaker 3: talking about, because that's going to give a little booster 169 00:09:15,276 --> 00:09:16,436 Speaker 3: to her vocabulary. 170 00:09:16,956 --> 00:09:19,556 Speaker 1: So it seems like they're all these benefits but it 171 00:09:19,556 --> 00:09:22,156 Speaker 1: seems like sometimes when families think about figuring out a 172 00:09:22,196 --> 00:09:26,196 Speaker 1: family meal, it sometimes feels just totally overwhelming. Sometimes families 173 00:09:26,236 --> 00:09:28,916 Speaker 1: even treat it with dread. Is this the kind of 174 00:09:28,916 --> 00:09:31,036 Speaker 1: thing that you hear in the Family Dinner Project too? 175 00:09:31,356 --> 00:09:36,116 Speaker 3: Absolutely? I mean, we are such a busy, tired, harried people. 176 00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:38,596 Speaker 3: You know, most of our kids are doing so many 177 00:09:38,636 --> 00:09:42,796 Speaker 3: extracurricular activities that it can just feel like one more 178 00:09:42,876 --> 00:09:45,356 Speaker 3: thing on the to do list. And that is the 179 00:09:45,476 --> 00:09:49,036 Speaker 3: number one challenge or obstacle. You know, we're too tired, 180 00:09:49,276 --> 00:09:52,236 Speaker 3: our schedules don't mesh up, and so at the Family 181 00:09:52,316 --> 00:09:54,956 Speaker 3: Dinner Project, we've spent a lot of time talking to 182 00:09:55,196 --> 00:09:59,116 Speaker 3: hundreds of thousands of families across the country to find 183 00:09:59,156 --> 00:10:02,036 Speaker 3: out some workarounds for this common challenge. 184 00:10:02,236 --> 00:10:03,756 Speaker 1: So let's talk about some of the barriers you hear 185 00:10:03,756 --> 00:10:05,596 Speaker 1: about most often. I just think the biggest one is 186 00:10:05,676 --> 00:10:06,436 Speaker 1: just time. 187 00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:10,516 Speaker 3: Right time, being too tired, picky eaters, whether that's a 188 00:10:10,636 --> 00:10:13,276 Speaker 3: partner or a child. You know, what's the point of 189 00:10:13,516 --> 00:10:15,396 Speaker 3: going to the trouble of making a meal if not 190 00:10:15,476 --> 00:10:17,356 Speaker 3: everybody's going to eat it. I don't want to be 191 00:10:17,396 --> 00:10:20,596 Speaker 3: a short order cook and make four different meals I 192 00:10:20,716 --> 00:10:22,796 Speaker 3: go to the trouble of making the meal, and then 193 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:25,556 Speaker 3: all we do is fight or nobody talks. I can't 194 00:10:25,556 --> 00:10:28,756 Speaker 3: get people to talk. Conflict and tension at the table. 195 00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:32,916 Speaker 3: Budget worries healthy food is so expensive? How do I 196 00:10:33,036 --> 00:10:35,516 Speaker 3: get my dollar to stretch so that I can feed 197 00:10:35,596 --> 00:10:40,636 Speaker 3: my children unprocessed healthy food? Distraction at the table. My 198 00:10:40,756 --> 00:10:43,596 Speaker 3: kids turn on their gadgets, and I guess we do too. 199 00:10:44,036 --> 00:10:46,476 Speaker 3: What do we do about technology at the table? So 200 00:10:46,556 --> 00:10:49,836 Speaker 3: I'd say those are the recurring obstacles that I hear 201 00:10:49,836 --> 00:10:50,876 Speaker 3: about over and over. 202 00:10:51,476 --> 00:10:53,796 Speaker 1: When we hear these barriers, it seems really like hard 203 00:10:53,836 --> 00:10:55,636 Speaker 1: to get to dinner. But you've argue that part of 204 00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:58,636 Speaker 1: the barriers comes from our minds. We have these misconceptions 205 00:10:58,676 --> 00:11:00,956 Speaker 1: about the things that count as family dinners. And so 206 00:11:01,196 --> 00:11:03,196 Speaker 1: let's go through some of these misconceptions and see if 207 00:11:03,236 --> 00:11:05,276 Speaker 1: we can kind of like clear the air right. One 208 00:11:05,276 --> 00:11:07,756 Speaker 1: of the misconceptions is this idea that for a family 209 00:11:07,756 --> 00:11:10,436 Speaker 1: dinner to really count as a family dinner, everybody has 210 00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:11,916 Speaker 1: to be there, everybody has to be there for the 211 00:11:11,956 --> 00:11:14,036 Speaker 1: whole time. Is this really the case? How should we 212 00:11:14,076 --> 00:11:15,076 Speaker 1: think about this differently? 213 00:11:15,156 --> 00:11:18,316 Speaker 3: First off, I want to say this isn't a nostalgia project. 214 00:11:18,356 --> 00:11:19,916 Speaker 3: You know, we're not trying to go back to the 215 00:11:19,956 --> 00:11:23,596 Speaker 3: spotless kitchens of the nineteen fifties where mother was home 216 00:11:23,636 --> 00:11:26,996 Speaker 3: all day baking a I don't know, a pork loine. 217 00:11:27,276 --> 00:11:32,236 Speaker 3: Fortunately that ship has sailed. So family dinner is less 218 00:11:32,276 --> 00:11:35,636 Speaker 3: about the food than about what happens once the family 219 00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:39,436 Speaker 3: gathers around the food. So really best to focus on 220 00:11:39,756 --> 00:11:43,916 Speaker 3: the atmosphere around the dinner table, conversation, having a good time. 221 00:11:44,276 --> 00:11:46,956 Speaker 3: You know, I call that the secret sauce of dinner, 222 00:11:47,236 --> 00:11:49,956 Speaker 3: and you're absolutely right. Family dinner doesn't have to be 223 00:11:49,996 --> 00:11:53,276 Speaker 3: the whole family sitting down. As one family said to me, 224 00:11:53,596 --> 00:11:56,116 Speaker 3: we have a rule no one eats alone. This is 225 00:11:56,156 --> 00:11:58,756 Speaker 3: a family with five sons, and they did kind of 226 00:11:58,756 --> 00:12:02,836 Speaker 3: split shift dinners, so they would have two people eating, 227 00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:05,956 Speaker 3: and then later on maybe one of those people would 228 00:12:06,036 --> 00:12:08,596 Speaker 3: join another and so on, and they would have one 229 00:12:08,636 --> 00:12:11,836 Speaker 3: meal that could be reheated, maybe a stew or soup. 230 00:12:12,036 --> 00:12:14,876 Speaker 3: So that's another myth. It doesn't have to be everybody. 231 00:12:15,036 --> 00:12:18,156 Speaker 3: It doesn't have to be dinner. For some families, dinner 232 00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:21,556 Speaker 3: time is just beyond the pale. It's just too hectic. 233 00:12:21,676 --> 00:12:25,356 Speaker 3: It could be family breakfast. It could be a fabulous 234 00:12:25,476 --> 00:12:30,076 Speaker 3: Sunday brunch with extended family. There are really sixteen opportunities 235 00:12:30,156 --> 00:12:34,636 Speaker 3: in a week, seven breakfasts, seven dinners, and two weekend lunches. 236 00:12:34,876 --> 00:12:38,356 Speaker 3: And then they're also intentional snacks, you know, push away 237 00:12:38,396 --> 00:12:40,996 Speaker 3: from your computer, come down to the kitchen table at 238 00:12:41,036 --> 00:12:44,396 Speaker 3: ten o'clock and let's have apples and hot chocolate. And 239 00:12:44,436 --> 00:12:46,956 Speaker 3: then it doesn't have to be family. It could be 240 00:12:46,996 --> 00:12:49,716 Speaker 3: you and a best friend. It could be a Tuesday 241 00:12:49,796 --> 00:12:52,956 Speaker 3: night group that gets together to talk about books over food. 242 00:12:53,076 --> 00:12:56,596 Speaker 3: It could be elders at an assisted living breaking bread together. 243 00:12:57,236 --> 00:12:59,516 Speaker 1: It seems like one of the reasons that meeting together 244 00:12:59,516 --> 00:13:01,356 Speaker 1: to have these meals is so challenging is we put 245 00:13:01,356 --> 00:13:04,316 Speaker 1: these like ridiculous restrictions on ourselves. We get kind of 246 00:13:04,316 --> 00:13:06,716 Speaker 1: perfectionistic about it, and it seems like you're go with 247 00:13:06,756 --> 00:13:08,836 Speaker 1: the family dinner project is just to say we don't 248 00:13:08,836 --> 00:13:10,756 Speaker 1: have to do this perfectly. We just should do this 249 00:13:10,796 --> 00:13:12,596 Speaker 1: a little bit more often. So it's kind of family 250 00:13:12,636 --> 00:13:15,036 Speaker 1: dinner with a bit more grace than we usually give ourselves. 251 00:13:15,156 --> 00:13:17,676 Speaker 3: I love the way you put that perfect is really 252 00:13:18,076 --> 00:13:20,836 Speaker 3: not our friend. Here. Dinner with a toddler might be 253 00:13:20,876 --> 00:13:24,356 Speaker 3: five minutes. That's fine, that's something to build on. You know, 254 00:13:24,396 --> 00:13:27,956 Speaker 3: the average American dinner is only twenty two minutes. Doesn't 255 00:13:27,996 --> 00:13:30,396 Speaker 3: have to be food made from scratch. It doesn't have 256 00:13:30,436 --> 00:13:32,836 Speaker 3: to be heirloom tomatoes, doesn't have to be a perfectly 257 00:13:32,916 --> 00:13:36,676 Speaker 3: roasted chicken, doesn't have to be perfect manners. Yes, let 258 00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:39,556 Speaker 3: go of the perfect and give yourself some more grace. 259 00:13:40,716 --> 00:13:42,996 Speaker 1: So eating meals with family, friends, and colleagues has a 260 00:13:43,036 --> 00:13:45,676 Speaker 1: ton of benefits. We're going to take a quick break now, 261 00:13:45,876 --> 00:13:47,836 Speaker 1: but when we get back and we'll have more tips 262 00:13:47,836 --> 00:13:50,356 Speaker 1: on how to overcome all the obstacles that stop us 263 00:13:50,356 --> 00:14:00,076 Speaker 1: sharing meals. Before the break, doctor Anne Faschel took us 264 00:14:00,076 --> 00:14:01,676 Speaker 1: through a lot of the things that stop us from 265 00:14:01,756 --> 00:14:04,276 Speaker 1: enjoying shared meals, be that eating with our loved ones 266 00:14:04,316 --> 00:14:06,796 Speaker 1: at home, having friends over, or sitting down with others 267 00:14:06,876 --> 00:14:08,876 Speaker 1: during our lunch break at work. I asked ant to 268 00:14:09,276 --> 00:14:12,356 Speaker 1: down those obstacles and offer some concrete solutions. 269 00:14:12,796 --> 00:14:15,356 Speaker 3: For a lot of families, it just feels like another 270 00:14:15,436 --> 00:14:18,636 Speaker 3: thing on their to do list. And you know, partly 271 00:14:18,916 --> 00:14:22,556 Speaker 3: I like to, without being too preachy, I hope to 272 00:14:22,716 --> 00:14:26,716 Speaker 3: say family meal time is really the most reliable time 273 00:14:27,196 --> 00:14:30,796 Speaker 3: that we have to look eye to eye, to have fun, 274 00:14:30,956 --> 00:14:34,236 Speaker 3: to relax, to share stories about our day. You know, 275 00:14:34,276 --> 00:14:37,676 Speaker 3: we don't sit around campfires telling stories. We don't write 276 00:14:37,716 --> 00:14:43,196 Speaker 3: letters with stories. So just reminding families what a rich 277 00:14:43,236 --> 00:14:47,876 Speaker 3: opportunity this is and how it packs really such a punch, 278 00:14:48,356 --> 00:14:50,916 Speaker 3: and then you know, really trying to come up with 279 00:14:51,316 --> 00:14:54,996 Speaker 3: some meals that are very very easy that you could 280 00:14:54,996 --> 00:14:57,516 Speaker 3: almost make in your sleep, food that you have in 281 00:14:57,556 --> 00:15:00,836 Speaker 3: your pantry, like a pasta with tomato sauce, or what 282 00:15:00,916 --> 00:15:02,956 Speaker 3: I call my yoga eggs that I can make when 283 00:15:02,996 --> 00:15:05,076 Speaker 3: I get off work at six and have to be 284 00:15:05,116 --> 00:15:07,796 Speaker 3: out the door by six thirty that are just quick 285 00:15:07,836 --> 00:15:11,516 Speaker 3: sauteed vegetables with eggs on top. So coming up with 286 00:15:11,636 --> 00:15:14,596 Speaker 3: those and getting a list of meals from your family 287 00:15:14,756 --> 00:15:17,236 Speaker 3: so that you won't get belly aching. You'll have it 288 00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:20,756 Speaker 3: like a rotating list of meals you know are acceptable 289 00:15:20,836 --> 00:15:23,596 Speaker 3: to every Maybe they don't all adore every meal, but 290 00:15:23,636 --> 00:15:26,076 Speaker 3: they'll eat them and you can get onto the more 291 00:15:26,316 --> 00:15:30,476 Speaker 3: fun things about family dinner and taking stock of weather. 292 00:15:30,556 --> 00:15:33,636 Speaker 3: Dinner is really the best time of day for your family. 293 00:15:33,916 --> 00:15:37,796 Speaker 3: Maybe it's breakfast. Years ago, Cheerios came to us and said, 294 00:15:37,916 --> 00:15:40,396 Speaker 3: we know you're the family dinner project, But how about 295 00:15:40,396 --> 00:15:44,196 Speaker 3: the family breakfast project? And we came up with breakfast 296 00:15:44,276 --> 00:15:47,596 Speaker 3: that took seven minutes, because that's the amount of time 297 00:15:47,756 --> 00:15:50,316 Speaker 3: if you don't press your snooze alarm, you can get 298 00:15:50,356 --> 00:15:53,516 Speaker 3: seven minutes of your day back. And so we built 299 00:15:53,676 --> 00:15:56,796 Speaker 3: easy meals with a game to play at the breakfast 300 00:15:56,796 --> 00:15:59,956 Speaker 3: table and a conversation starter. And they were all about 301 00:16:00,156 --> 00:16:03,236 Speaker 3: anticipating the day rather than reviewing it. If you came 302 00:16:03,316 --> 00:16:06,316 Speaker 3: up with a weather analogy for the day, what would 303 00:16:06,316 --> 00:16:08,516 Speaker 3: it be, and then we might check it at the 304 00:16:08,596 --> 00:16:10,556 Speaker 3: end of the day. Or what are you most looking 305 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:13,756 Speaker 3: forward to? Or what are you worried about? Or let's 306 00:16:13,916 --> 00:16:16,476 Speaker 3: write some notes and put them in each other's lunch 307 00:16:16,516 --> 00:16:20,476 Speaker 3: boxes or lunch bags. So that's another thing for very 308 00:16:20,516 --> 00:16:23,156 Speaker 3: busy families, is to pivot to something else. 309 00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:26,156 Speaker 1: You've also mentioned the possibility of engaging in what you 310 00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:29,716 Speaker 1: called flexible courses, and this is particularly for families that 311 00:16:29,796 --> 00:16:32,516 Speaker 1: might not have everybody home at the same time. How 312 00:16:32,516 --> 00:16:34,156 Speaker 1: does this work and why is it so effective? 313 00:16:34,316 --> 00:16:37,636 Speaker 3: Yeah, so I'm thinking about it at different stages of 314 00:16:37,676 --> 00:16:39,476 Speaker 3: the life cycle. You know, if a family, if a 315 00:16:39,636 --> 00:16:42,476 Speaker 3: couple has a toddler who goes to sleep at seven 316 00:16:42,796 --> 00:16:44,476 Speaker 3: and they want to have a family meal, but they're 317 00:16:44,476 --> 00:16:47,916 Speaker 3: really not ready to eat, So maybe they enjoy some 318 00:16:48,276 --> 00:16:52,356 Speaker 3: cut up vegetables or some cheese with their toddler while 319 00:16:52,356 --> 00:16:55,876 Speaker 3: the toddler has her family dinner. They put their toddler 320 00:16:55,916 --> 00:16:57,916 Speaker 3: to bed, and then they have the rest of their 321 00:16:57,956 --> 00:17:01,276 Speaker 3: family dinner. Or if you've got kids as they get older, 322 00:17:01,676 --> 00:17:06,196 Speaker 3: coming home late from sports practices, you might have a 323 00:17:06,596 --> 00:17:09,796 Speaker 3: big nutritional snack with them at five o'clock. Book, and 324 00:17:09,836 --> 00:17:12,876 Speaker 3: that's really the time that one parent and a child 325 00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:16,716 Speaker 3: plays games as conversation starters, enjoys that meal. 326 00:17:16,876 --> 00:17:18,676 Speaker 1: But then when the child comes home. 327 00:17:18,516 --> 00:17:21,636 Speaker 3: At eight o'clock, maybe they join in the family dinner 328 00:17:21,676 --> 00:17:24,876 Speaker 3: and they have dessert with the other family members. So 329 00:17:24,996 --> 00:17:28,916 Speaker 3: it's the idea of sort of flexible courses. Depending on 330 00:17:28,996 --> 00:17:32,036 Speaker 3: the age and stage of the child and how busy 331 00:17:32,196 --> 00:17:35,236 Speaker 3: the different schedules are, you can sort of mix and 332 00:17:35,396 --> 00:17:37,796 Speaker 3: match who eats what with whom. 333 00:17:38,356 --> 00:17:40,876 Speaker 1: When you've also argued that one of the things we 334 00:17:40,916 --> 00:17:42,916 Speaker 1: need to do to fight against these busy schedules is 335 00:17:42,956 --> 00:17:45,876 Speaker 1: to really push back on as culture of commitment. I 336 00:17:45,956 --> 00:17:47,476 Speaker 1: thought this was a really important one. 337 00:17:47,476 --> 00:17:50,756 Speaker 3: What do you mean there, Yeah, so there's a colleague 338 00:17:50,756 --> 00:17:53,836 Speaker 3: of mind named Bill Dougherty who's also a family therapist 339 00:17:53,836 --> 00:17:58,116 Speaker 3: in Minnesota, and he mounted a kind of statewide pushback 340 00:17:58,236 --> 00:18:02,516 Speaker 3: program where he would organize parents to go together to 341 00:18:02,636 --> 00:18:05,756 Speaker 3: talk to the coaches or the director of a play 342 00:18:06,116 --> 00:18:08,796 Speaker 3: and say, we love what you're doing. Our kids love 343 00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:13,236 Speaker 3: being involved in soccer and Macbeth, but family dinner is 344 00:18:13,436 --> 00:18:16,596 Speaker 3: really important to all of us for all these different reasons. 345 00:18:16,916 --> 00:18:20,596 Speaker 3: Could you adjust the rehearsal schedules. Could you make them 346 00:18:20,596 --> 00:18:23,516 Speaker 3: a little bit later, have them and earlier so our 347 00:18:23,596 --> 00:18:26,036 Speaker 3: kids can get home for dinner. That was so much 348 00:18:26,076 --> 00:18:29,436 Speaker 3: more effective than having one squeaky wheel going and to 349 00:18:29,636 --> 00:18:32,316 Speaker 3: go to the soccer coach to say please, please change 350 00:18:32,316 --> 00:18:35,756 Speaker 3: the schedule. So, you know, I think that parents really 351 00:18:35,756 --> 00:18:39,916 Speaker 3: have that power to influence extracurricular activities, and I think 352 00:18:39,996 --> 00:18:41,796 Speaker 3: they don't deploy it very often. 353 00:18:42,036 --> 00:18:43,836 Speaker 1: So those are some strategies we can use to push 354 00:18:43,836 --> 00:18:46,636 Speaker 1: back against this barrier of time, right, get a little flexible, 355 00:18:46,796 --> 00:18:49,356 Speaker 1: maybe have some short breaks, push back against some of 356 00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:52,156 Speaker 1: these commitments. What about strategies for people who just think 357 00:18:52,156 --> 00:18:54,836 Speaker 1: that the cooking is too much work, that the overwhelming 358 00:18:54,876 --> 00:18:57,156 Speaker 1: part is really figuring out the dinner part. How can 359 00:18:57,156 --> 00:18:57,676 Speaker 1: they deal with that? 360 00:18:57,796 --> 00:19:03,156 Speaker 3: Yeah, so I would say our website, the Family Dinner Project, 361 00:19:03,396 --> 00:19:07,796 Speaker 3: has a ton of great easy recipes that are eight 362 00:19:08,036 --> 00:19:11,796 Speaker 3: ingredients or less, take thirty minutes or less, and families 363 00:19:11,836 --> 00:19:14,636 Speaker 3: can sign up and get a Dinner Tonight which has 364 00:19:14,916 --> 00:19:18,036 Speaker 3: a recipe and then a conversation starter and a game, 365 00:19:18,316 --> 00:19:20,556 Speaker 3: and we have budget friendly which but they're about two 366 00:19:20,556 --> 00:19:24,396 Speaker 3: dollars and ten cents per person. So there's that. There's 367 00:19:24,436 --> 00:19:28,396 Speaker 3: also maybe making double or triple batches over the weekend 368 00:19:28,596 --> 00:19:31,596 Speaker 3: and freezing half of them or two thirds of them 369 00:19:31,636 --> 00:19:34,516 Speaker 3: so that next week you have you can just defrost 370 00:19:34,556 --> 00:19:37,116 Speaker 3: a stew or a soup and you've got most of 371 00:19:37,116 --> 00:19:40,196 Speaker 3: your dinner made. You can ask other members of your 372 00:19:40,236 --> 00:19:42,756 Speaker 3: family to help out. You know. That's I think a 373 00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:48,036 Speaker 3: really important part of making dinner more enjoyable is getting help, 374 00:19:48,156 --> 00:19:51,396 Speaker 3: whether it's with the grocery shopping or cooking part of it, 375 00:19:51,516 --> 00:19:54,956 Speaker 3: or cleaning up or setting the table. Kids and partners 376 00:19:54,996 --> 00:19:58,316 Speaker 3: of course can participate in this. We've done quite a 377 00:19:58,316 --> 00:20:01,636 Speaker 3: bit of work with military families who tell us about 378 00:20:01,756 --> 00:20:05,196 Speaker 3: doing dinner swaps when their spouses are deployed and they 379 00:20:05,236 --> 00:20:08,236 Speaker 3: are single parents. And what they do is they make 380 00:20:08,356 --> 00:20:12,876 Speaker 3: four time one meal, and then they meet and they swap, 381 00:20:12,996 --> 00:20:15,716 Speaker 3: and they come away from the swap with four different 382 00:20:15,716 --> 00:20:18,156 Speaker 3: meals that they can deploy for the rest of the week. 383 00:20:18,396 --> 00:20:19,716 Speaker 3: So that's something else. 384 00:20:19,796 --> 00:20:21,476 Speaker 1: I love that I did so much because I feel 385 00:20:21,476 --> 00:20:23,916 Speaker 1: like this happens when friends have new babies, Like I've 386 00:20:23,916 --> 00:20:26,156 Speaker 1: been involved in lots of these kind of Oh, someone's 387 00:20:26,156 --> 00:20:27,836 Speaker 1: really busy, they have a new baby. Let's you know, 388 00:20:27,876 --> 00:20:29,836 Speaker 1: I just make an extra batch of my lasagna to 389 00:20:29,836 --> 00:20:31,956 Speaker 1: give to them, and other families do the same thing, 390 00:20:32,196 --> 00:20:34,636 Speaker 1: but we forget that we don't necessarily need a newborn 391 00:20:34,676 --> 00:20:36,596 Speaker 1: to be able to use a strategy like that, Like 392 00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:38,676 Speaker 1: a bunch of families can do that every single week 393 00:20:38,676 --> 00:20:41,876 Speaker 1: and get multiple different interesting meals for like a bunch 394 00:20:41,876 --> 00:20:42,516 Speaker 1: of families. 395 00:20:42,596 --> 00:20:45,276 Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely, or it could be done. I mean, you 396 00:20:45,316 --> 00:20:48,356 Speaker 3: maybe have to be a military family to be that organized, 397 00:20:48,756 --> 00:20:51,196 Speaker 3: but you could do it once a week with a 398 00:20:51,236 --> 00:20:54,036 Speaker 3: friend or a neighbor. So I think there's some sort 399 00:20:54,036 --> 00:20:55,516 Speaker 3: of lower hanging fruit there. 400 00:20:55,676 --> 00:20:57,796 Speaker 1: This also strikes me as another spot where just kind 401 00:20:57,796 --> 00:21:00,836 Speaker 1: of giving ourselves grace and maybe not going for the 402 00:21:00,876 --> 00:21:05,276 Speaker 1: most perfectionist meals possible can be helpful. Like I think 403 00:21:05,316 --> 00:21:08,036 Speaker 1: sometimes we end up putting so much pressure on ourselves 404 00:21:08,036 --> 00:21:09,996 Speaker 1: that we never or do the kind of thing that 405 00:21:10,036 --> 00:21:12,116 Speaker 1: we want to do. Whereas if we just agreed to 406 00:21:12,156 --> 00:21:15,156 Speaker 1: do it, you know, seventy five percent awesome family dinner, 407 00:21:15,196 --> 00:21:17,236 Speaker 1: as we'd wind up doing it much more often than 408 00:21:17,236 --> 00:21:18,596 Speaker 1: if we were trying to do it perfectly. 409 00:21:18,796 --> 00:21:22,836 Speaker 3: Yes, and doing some shortcuts, you know, getting vegetables that 410 00:21:22,876 --> 00:21:25,716 Speaker 3: have been pre cut, or a rotisserie chicken, you know, 411 00:21:25,796 --> 00:21:28,956 Speaker 3: not making a salad, but putting all the different accouterments 412 00:21:28,956 --> 00:21:31,596 Speaker 3: for a salad out plus some tuna fish or some 413 00:21:31,676 --> 00:21:35,556 Speaker 3: egg salad and asking family members to assemble their own 414 00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:39,356 Speaker 3: and that can be done with tacos with creps. That's 415 00:21:39,476 --> 00:21:43,156 Speaker 3: also nice strategy for selective eaters if you've got very 416 00:21:43,236 --> 00:21:45,516 Speaker 3: different tastes in the families. It's a way to have 417 00:21:45,756 --> 00:21:48,556 Speaker 3: people be able to customize and choose what they want. 418 00:21:48,636 --> 00:21:51,156 Speaker 3: But it's also kind of a quick dinner, like a 419 00:21:51,356 --> 00:21:53,356 Speaker 3: charcuterie board kind of dinner. 420 00:21:53,676 --> 00:21:55,316 Speaker 1: And so those are all ways to kind of fite 421 00:21:55,356 --> 00:21:57,836 Speaker 1: this barrier that cooking feels like it's too much work. 422 00:21:58,116 --> 00:22:01,596 Speaker 1: How about the barrier of technology, especially the fact that 423 00:22:01,676 --> 00:22:03,676 Speaker 1: it's harder and harder for us to put our tech 424 00:22:03,716 --> 00:22:06,316 Speaker 1: devices away, even for just you know, twenty minutes over 425 00:22:06,356 --> 00:22:08,356 Speaker 1: the dinner table. What are some solutions there. 426 00:22:08,636 --> 00:22:11,236 Speaker 3: Yeah, I did a survey a few years ago and 427 00:22:11,276 --> 00:22:14,156 Speaker 3: found that parents were twice as likely to use their 428 00:22:14,196 --> 00:22:17,356 Speaker 3: gadgets at the dinner table. So my first bit of 429 00:22:17,396 --> 00:22:20,196 Speaker 3: advice is to ask the parents to kind of model 430 00:22:20,356 --> 00:22:23,276 Speaker 3: the good behavior that they want from their kids. Some 431 00:22:23,476 --> 00:22:27,516 Speaker 3: families have a very strict no technology policy. You know, 432 00:22:27,596 --> 00:22:30,316 Speaker 3: everybody put their phones in the middle of the table 433 00:22:30,556 --> 00:22:33,556 Speaker 3: and anybody who goes to reach for it has to 434 00:22:33,596 --> 00:22:36,396 Speaker 3: do the dishes. And then some families have a more 435 00:22:36,436 --> 00:22:39,836 Speaker 3: flexible version of that, and it might look like we 436 00:22:39,876 --> 00:22:42,916 Speaker 3: can check our gadgets if it's to check a detail 437 00:22:43,036 --> 00:22:45,716 Speaker 3: that we're having a fight about, like who won the 438 00:22:45,756 --> 00:22:50,196 Speaker 3: World Series in nineteen eighty four. And then some families say, well, 439 00:22:50,436 --> 00:22:52,316 Speaker 3: I want to be able to share a picture I 440 00:22:52,356 --> 00:22:55,556 Speaker 3: took or a funny email I got, And that seems 441 00:22:55,676 --> 00:22:57,836 Speaker 3: to have a kind of a different spirit because it 442 00:22:58,036 --> 00:23:01,036 Speaker 3: keeps the focus on connection at the table. So for 443 00:23:01,156 --> 00:23:04,636 Speaker 3: those families, the rule is we can't use our phones 444 00:23:04,676 --> 00:23:07,516 Speaker 3: to connect with people who aren't there, so no texting 445 00:23:07,556 --> 00:23:10,876 Speaker 3: with others or taking phone But it's okay to share 446 00:23:10,996 --> 00:23:13,876 Speaker 3: things that came up on your phone today, as long 447 00:23:13,916 --> 00:23:15,796 Speaker 3: as it's to the rest of the table. And then 448 00:23:15,836 --> 00:23:19,276 Speaker 3: there's even some games that can incorporate technology, like a 449 00:23:19,356 --> 00:23:22,716 Speaker 3: hot Potato selfie. You set the timer and you pass 450 00:23:22,756 --> 00:23:25,076 Speaker 3: it around, and when the timer goes off, you take 451 00:23:25,156 --> 00:23:27,556 Speaker 3: up selfie, and then you set the timer and you 452 00:23:27,596 --> 00:23:30,396 Speaker 3: pass it around until everybody has taken a selfie, and 453 00:23:30,436 --> 00:23:32,636 Speaker 3: then you know you have a funny little collection of 454 00:23:32,676 --> 00:23:33,956 Speaker 3: photos from that dinner. 455 00:23:34,876 --> 00:23:36,956 Speaker 1: It's time for a quick break, but we'll be back 456 00:23:36,996 --> 00:23:39,636 Speaker 1: with more tips from Ann, including advice on how to 457 00:23:39,676 --> 00:23:42,476 Speaker 1: diffuse the dinner table disagreements that can mess up so 458 00:23:42,556 --> 00:23:52,556 Speaker 1: many meals. The Happiness Lab will be right back. When 459 00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:54,516 Speaker 1: I think of shared meals with friends and family, my 460 00:23:54,556 --> 00:23:57,556 Speaker 1: mind usually goes to meal prep, what ingredients do I need? 461 00:23:57,836 --> 00:23:59,956 Speaker 1: And why should I turn the oven on? But doctor 462 00:23:59,996 --> 00:24:02,676 Speaker 1: Anne Faschell thinks we should actually put more thought into 463 00:24:02,716 --> 00:24:06,076 Speaker 1: preparing the dinner table. Conversation games and prompts are a 464 00:24:06,116 --> 00:24:08,476 Speaker 1: great way to do this. It could be old favorites 465 00:24:08,516 --> 00:24:11,316 Speaker 1: like twenty questions or would you rather? Or a suggestion 466 00:24:11,396 --> 00:24:14,716 Speaker 1: from Anne's Family Dinner Table Project website, a game of guess, 467 00:24:14,756 --> 00:24:17,596 Speaker 1: the ingredients. Just like a meal needs salt and pepper, 468 00:24:17,836 --> 00:24:19,836 Speaker 1: it also needs playfulness and fun. 469 00:24:20,076 --> 00:24:23,516 Speaker 3: I think we all need more play in our lives, 470 00:24:23,956 --> 00:24:27,276 Speaker 3: and games are a really great way to do it. 471 00:24:27,356 --> 00:24:30,356 Speaker 3: I play games in family therapy, often the same games 472 00:24:30,356 --> 00:24:32,796 Speaker 3: that I play at the dinner table. I don't love 473 00:24:33,076 --> 00:24:36,436 Speaker 3: competitive games at the dinner table, but games often lead 474 00:24:36,476 --> 00:24:39,796 Speaker 3: to laughter. They often lead to conversation. Let's go around 475 00:24:39,836 --> 00:24:44,316 Speaker 3: the table and say a rose something funny or positive 476 00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:47,796 Speaker 3: that happened to thorn, something difficult or unpleasant, and a 477 00:24:47,876 --> 00:24:51,356 Speaker 3: bud something we hope will happen tomorrow. Or let's tell 478 00:24:51,636 --> 00:24:54,276 Speaker 3: two truths and a lie, you know, tell two stories 479 00:24:54,316 --> 00:24:57,036 Speaker 3: about something that happened this week and one thing that's 480 00:24:57,076 --> 00:24:59,356 Speaker 3: just a bold faced lie, and others will try to 481 00:24:59,396 --> 00:25:02,236 Speaker 3: guess which is the made up thing. So ways to 482 00:25:02,276 --> 00:25:05,516 Speaker 3: get kids to share more without just asking them how 483 00:25:05,636 --> 00:25:08,796 Speaker 3: is your day? And then I think food itself has 484 00:25:08,836 --> 00:25:11,716 Speaker 3: so much many different properties that we can play with. 485 00:25:11,836 --> 00:25:14,996 Speaker 3: You know, it can be slippery, it can have different smells, 486 00:25:15,116 --> 00:25:18,316 Speaker 3: It has different colors, and so we can play with color. 487 00:25:18,556 --> 00:25:21,356 Speaker 3: Ask our kids, what meal could we make that's all 488 00:25:21,396 --> 00:25:26,276 Speaker 3: red or all green? Or what's a rainbow meal? And 489 00:25:26,276 --> 00:25:28,556 Speaker 3: that way we can eat our colors, which itself is 490 00:25:28,596 --> 00:25:31,716 Speaker 3: a very nutritious way to eat. Or let's play with space. 491 00:25:31,916 --> 00:25:35,196 Speaker 3: Let's switch seats because families often sit in the same 492 00:25:35,236 --> 00:25:37,596 Speaker 3: seats night after night. Or let's have a picnic, or 493 00:25:37,676 --> 00:25:40,876 Speaker 3: let's have a dinner in bed. Food is to families 494 00:25:41,236 --> 00:25:45,556 Speaker 3: like legos are to elementary school kids, as music is 495 00:25:45,556 --> 00:25:49,316 Speaker 3: to adolescents. It's the source of play. It's one of 496 00:25:49,396 --> 00:25:52,036 Speaker 3: the few things that we can do with our hands 497 00:25:52,076 --> 00:25:55,676 Speaker 3: and all our senses, and we can make something together. 498 00:25:56,036 --> 00:25:59,156 Speaker 3: How rare is that in twenty first century America that 499 00:25:59,196 --> 00:26:02,516 Speaker 3: we can create something together, And that, to me is 500 00:26:02,636 --> 00:26:03,436 Speaker 3: just really fun. 501 00:26:03,716 --> 00:26:06,196 Speaker 1: Think I'm channeling some busy parent friends of mine who 502 00:26:06,236 --> 00:26:08,556 Speaker 1: have toddlers and little kids, And as you're talking about 503 00:26:08,556 --> 00:26:11,156 Speaker 1: playing with dolls and playing with foods, I'm hearing in 504 00:26:11,196 --> 00:26:12,916 Speaker 1: my head what they might say, which is like, oh 505 00:26:12,956 --> 00:26:14,396 Speaker 1: my gosh, it's going to be messy, and I don't 506 00:26:14,436 --> 00:26:17,556 Speaker 1: have time to clean up. Any advice for kind of 507 00:26:17,596 --> 00:26:21,036 Speaker 1: making games that avoid the like kind of cleanup worries too? 508 00:26:21,356 --> 00:26:24,436 Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, I tend to have a really high 509 00:26:24,436 --> 00:26:29,156 Speaker 3: tolerance for mess which I mean, so here's just a 510 00:26:29,316 --> 00:26:34,636 Speaker 3: small example to have small kids smear olive oil on 511 00:26:34,836 --> 00:26:38,756 Speaker 3: vegetables that that get roasted at a high temperature will 512 00:26:38,796 --> 00:26:42,676 Speaker 3: pretty much ensure that those kids will eat those vegetables 513 00:26:42,916 --> 00:26:46,076 Speaker 3: because they've put their sticky little hands on it, and 514 00:26:46,116 --> 00:26:49,676 Speaker 3: then the vegetables come out pretty crispy. Young kids tend 515 00:26:49,716 --> 00:26:53,116 Speaker 3: not to like slimy foods, so yes, it's going to 516 00:26:53,156 --> 00:26:55,676 Speaker 3: be messy. Your kids are going to be covered, hopefully 517 00:26:55,716 --> 00:26:58,916 Speaker 3: just their hands in oil. But think about the trade off. 518 00:26:59,236 --> 00:27:02,196 Speaker 3: They're going to eat something really delicious and healthy that 519 00:27:02,236 --> 00:27:03,396 Speaker 3: you can eat too, and. 520 00:27:03,356 --> 00:27:05,396 Speaker 1: Partly they're learning how to cook to right. You're also 521 00:27:05,476 --> 00:27:08,436 Speaker 1: kind of weaving in a cooking demonstration while they're doing it. 522 00:27:08,636 --> 00:27:12,196 Speaker 3: That's this could pay you back big time when they're 523 00:27:12,196 --> 00:27:14,396 Speaker 3: a little bit older, and maybe we'll do a little 524 00:27:14,636 --> 00:27:15,756 Speaker 3: cooking for you. 525 00:27:16,036 --> 00:27:18,556 Speaker 1: We had a whole series of podcasts about parenting and 526 00:27:18,636 --> 00:27:21,236 Speaker 1: parenting strategies, and one of the things we often heard 527 00:27:21,356 --> 00:27:24,916 Speaker 1: is that anthropologists who study parents and other cultures often 528 00:27:24,956 --> 00:27:27,636 Speaker 1: find that they have kids getting more involved in things 529 00:27:27,716 --> 00:27:30,556 Speaker 1: like cooking and cleaning and so on. And I think 530 00:27:30,756 --> 00:27:32,396 Speaker 1: in the US, we sometimes don't want our kids to 531 00:27:32,436 --> 00:27:33,916 Speaker 1: do that because we think they won't do it. Perfectly 532 00:27:34,196 --> 00:27:35,876 Speaker 1: or kind of mess it up. But then we lose 533 00:27:35,916 --> 00:27:38,556 Speaker 1: these really interesting opportunities for teaching our kids because we 534 00:27:38,636 --> 00:27:41,276 Speaker 1: don't have them involved. It seems like dinner time is 535 00:27:41,356 --> 00:27:43,436 Speaker 1: yet another domain in which we could be doing this 536 00:27:43,476 --> 00:27:44,036 Speaker 1: a little. 537 00:27:43,836 --> 00:27:47,796 Speaker 3: Bit more absolutely. It reminds me of two parents, Eileen 538 00:27:47,876 --> 00:27:50,316 Speaker 3: and Mary, who had a little four year old boy, 539 00:27:50,796 --> 00:27:53,796 Speaker 3: and one of the moms really did not like mess 540 00:27:53,916 --> 00:27:56,116 Speaker 3: at all and didn't really like the idea of playing 541 00:27:56,116 --> 00:27:58,436 Speaker 3: with food and all of that, and they would get 542 00:27:58,476 --> 00:28:01,636 Speaker 3: their vegetables from a co op each week, and one 543 00:28:01,676 --> 00:28:04,556 Speaker 3: week they got a squash. They opened it up and 544 00:28:04,596 --> 00:28:08,356 Speaker 3: the little boy exclaimed, oh my goodness, it's so different 545 00:28:08,436 --> 00:28:13,516 Speaker 3: inside compaired to outside. And that was this amazing jumping 546 00:28:13,556 --> 00:28:16,636 Speaker 3: off point for talking about all the different ways you 547 00:28:16,716 --> 00:28:19,076 Speaker 3: can't know judge a book by its cover. Sort of 548 00:28:19,076 --> 00:28:21,596 Speaker 3: an analogy. I think for family dinner that there are 549 00:28:21,636 --> 00:28:24,956 Speaker 3: all kinds of surprises that lie around the table, so 550 00:28:25,356 --> 00:28:29,196 Speaker 3: it can be the launching pad for lots of interesting conversations, 551 00:28:29,236 --> 00:28:30,316 Speaker 3: not just about the food. 552 00:28:30,476 --> 00:28:32,676 Speaker 1: I think this idea of sharing meals as an intimate 553 00:28:32,716 --> 00:28:35,196 Speaker 1: experience gets to yet another barrier I see coming up 554 00:28:35,236 --> 00:28:37,916 Speaker 1: not so much with families, but with maybe single folks 555 00:28:37,996 --> 00:28:40,236 Speaker 1: or friends who want to get together for meals, which 556 00:28:40,276 --> 00:28:42,796 Speaker 1: is I think we're often worried about having people in 557 00:28:42,836 --> 00:28:45,596 Speaker 1: our personal space, right. You know, I think about even tonight, 558 00:28:45,636 --> 00:28:47,956 Speaker 1: having someone over for dinner, and my head instantly goes 559 00:28:47,956 --> 00:28:49,756 Speaker 1: to like, oh, my gosh, I didn't put that stuff 560 00:28:49,756 --> 00:28:51,596 Speaker 1: away that's in the living room where the kitchen is 561 00:28:51,676 --> 00:28:54,596 Speaker 1: kind of a mess. Like anyways to give ourselves grease 562 00:28:54,636 --> 00:28:56,956 Speaker 1: and just allow our people into these intimate spaces so 563 00:28:56,956 --> 00:28:59,676 Speaker 1: we can get the benefits of sharing meals even outside 564 00:28:59,716 --> 00:29:00,156 Speaker 1: the family. 565 00:29:00,276 --> 00:29:03,356 Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, I think one way is to invite 566 00:29:03,356 --> 00:29:06,436 Speaker 3: a friend over when you haven't completed making the dinner, 567 00:29:06,676 --> 00:29:10,436 Speaker 3: so that you're bringing them into the making of the dinner. 568 00:29:10,636 --> 00:29:14,156 Speaker 3: You know, often, particularly on a casual Wednesday night, a 569 00:29:14,196 --> 00:29:17,716 Speaker 3: friend would like to help. They'd like to help you 570 00:29:17,836 --> 00:29:21,556 Speaker 3: cut up those last salid ingredients. And I think that 571 00:29:21,956 --> 00:29:24,156 Speaker 3: creates more of a feeling of we're all in this 572 00:29:24,236 --> 00:29:26,836 Speaker 3: together and this is a shared meal, rather than you're 573 00:29:26,876 --> 00:29:30,196 Speaker 3: a guest coming into it. I used to when I 574 00:29:30,196 --> 00:29:32,476 Speaker 3: would have guests over and they say what can we bring? 575 00:29:32,796 --> 00:29:34,356 Speaker 3: And I would say, oh no, no, no, no, don't 576 00:29:34,356 --> 00:29:36,916 Speaker 3: bring anything. And then I realized that that was kind 577 00:29:36,916 --> 00:29:40,236 Speaker 3: of selfish and kind of controlling and kind of perfectionistic. 578 00:29:40,756 --> 00:29:44,076 Speaker 3: If I could ask them to bring a course, they 579 00:29:44,236 --> 00:29:47,396 Speaker 3: already would feel more included, and I would also feel 580 00:29:47,516 --> 00:29:50,436 Speaker 3: less burdened by having to make a meal. I think 581 00:29:50,436 --> 00:29:54,836 Speaker 3: there's so many different ways to involve outsiders or friends. 582 00:29:55,116 --> 00:29:57,836 Speaker 3: I think of a military mother who wrote a book 583 00:29:57,876 --> 00:30:00,996 Speaker 3: called Dinner with Smilies, and her husband was deployed for 584 00:30:01,236 --> 00:30:04,796 Speaker 3: a whole year, and every month they would invite somebody 585 00:30:04,996 --> 00:30:08,236 Speaker 3: from their neighborhood or community to come to dinner and 586 00:30:08,316 --> 00:30:10,756 Speaker 3: sit in the fall there's chair. One week it was 587 00:30:10,796 --> 00:30:13,556 Speaker 3: a coach, one week it was the governor of may 588 00:30:13,636 --> 00:30:15,756 Speaker 3: and I'm sure they failed the pressure to clean up 589 00:30:16,116 --> 00:30:21,436 Speaker 3: for those, but it added such an interesting variation on 590 00:30:21,476 --> 00:30:23,956 Speaker 3: their regular family dinner. And then I think of a 591 00:30:24,076 --> 00:30:27,596 Speaker 3: family I worked with a single mom who often felt 592 00:30:27,636 --> 00:30:30,996 Speaker 3: like there wasn't enough liveliness at the table because it 593 00:30:31,036 --> 00:30:34,196 Speaker 3: was just one adult. And so her friends and her 594 00:30:34,236 --> 00:30:37,996 Speaker 3: relatives knew that every Wednesday night was an open dinner night, 595 00:30:38,356 --> 00:30:40,836 Speaker 3: and they never knew who would drop by, and she always, 596 00:30:40,836 --> 00:30:42,756 Speaker 3: you know, made extra for that dinner. 597 00:30:42,836 --> 00:30:44,796 Speaker 1: I've heard a similar suggestion where it's like you just 598 00:30:44,836 --> 00:30:47,196 Speaker 1: have one night where it's like, you know, Wednesday is 599 00:30:47,236 --> 00:30:49,236 Speaker 1: the open night, and maybe you don't even make extra dinner. 600 00:30:49,276 --> 00:30:50,956 Speaker 1: It's like, as a friend, you can come over, but 601 00:30:50,956 --> 00:30:53,556 Speaker 1: bring your own like bring a leftover, you can microwave it. 602 00:30:53,556 --> 00:30:55,796 Speaker 1: Don't expect me to be perfect, right, you know, but 603 00:30:55,876 --> 00:30:57,716 Speaker 1: this is a night where like doors open and you 604 00:30:57,716 --> 00:31:00,436 Speaker 1: can show up. It also reminds me of a suggestion 605 00:31:00,516 --> 00:31:02,996 Speaker 1: that I got from the journalist Oliver Berkman, who talks 606 00:31:03,036 --> 00:31:04,636 Speaker 1: about all these things we can do to kind of 607 00:31:04,676 --> 00:31:07,476 Speaker 1: manage our time with less perfectionism, and he has this 608 00:31:07,556 --> 00:31:10,476 Speaker 1: idea that he calls scruffy hospitalality, which is kind of 609 00:31:10,516 --> 00:31:12,196 Speaker 1: like you were saying, like you invite people over, but 610 00:31:12,236 --> 00:31:13,636 Speaker 1: it's like you're going to have to do the dishes, 611 00:31:13,676 --> 00:31:15,756 Speaker 1: You're going to have to tell me chop these vegetables. 612 00:31:15,796 --> 00:31:17,596 Speaker 1: The house is not going to be clean, and we 613 00:31:17,636 --> 00:31:19,476 Speaker 1: just sort of accept that at the beginning, that like 614 00:31:19,596 --> 00:31:21,316 Speaker 1: we're going to have some hospitality, we're gonna have some 615 00:31:21,356 --> 00:31:23,796 Speaker 1: shared meal time, but it's going to be pretty scruffy. 616 00:31:23,556 --> 00:31:27,236 Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, like set the expectations where they should be. 617 00:31:27,516 --> 00:31:29,236 Speaker 1: And it seems like that's just a message for all 618 00:31:29,276 --> 00:31:31,236 Speaker 1: of this work, Right, there's so many benefits if we 619 00:31:31,236 --> 00:31:34,196 Speaker 1: could find more ways to share meals broadly, even beyond 620 00:31:34,196 --> 00:31:36,276 Speaker 1: our family. But to do that, we really just have 621 00:31:36,316 --> 00:31:39,476 Speaker 1: to set our expectations a little bit less perfectionistically. 622 00:31:39,596 --> 00:31:43,396 Speaker 3: Yes, one thing that we've been doing for well fifteen 623 00:31:43,516 --> 00:31:47,556 Speaker 3: years at the Family Dinner Project is hosting big community dinners. 624 00:31:47,836 --> 00:31:53,076 Speaker 3: And these are anywhere where families gather, libraries, military bases, 625 00:31:53,116 --> 00:31:58,276 Speaker 3: homeless shelters, clinics, teaching kitchens. They're often groups of families 626 00:31:58,316 --> 00:32:00,356 Speaker 3: who don't know each other, but who come to know 627 00:32:00,436 --> 00:32:03,956 Speaker 3: each other in a ninety minute dinner where we cook together, 628 00:32:04,236 --> 00:32:08,236 Speaker 3: we eat together, we play games, we have conversation jars 629 00:32:08,476 --> 00:32:12,436 Speaker 3: on the tables, and people reach in and ask whimsical 630 00:32:12,596 --> 00:32:15,836 Speaker 3: or silly or serious things of one another. And then 631 00:32:16,196 --> 00:32:19,036 Speaker 3: I talk to the parents or the caregivers and say, 632 00:32:19,196 --> 00:32:21,636 Speaker 3: what do you do well when it comes to family dinner, 633 00:32:21,876 --> 00:32:24,676 Speaker 3: and what are your obstacles? And now let's take some 634 00:32:24,796 --> 00:32:28,556 Speaker 3: of those obstacles and use the wisdom in this group 635 00:32:28,916 --> 00:32:32,356 Speaker 3: to share our workarounds and hacks. That's really where I've 636 00:32:32,436 --> 00:32:36,156 Speaker 3: learned probably the most, about how families find ways to 637 00:32:36,196 --> 00:32:39,036 Speaker 3: have dinner, even though it's really not that easy. 638 00:32:39,196 --> 00:32:41,516 Speaker 1: It's another barrier. Lots of families face, is it? Sometimes 639 00:32:41,516 --> 00:32:44,396 Speaker 1: around the dinner table, there's tension, you know, maybe big 640 00:32:44,436 --> 00:32:47,076 Speaker 1: tension we have, you know, political disagreements, but even like 641 00:32:47,156 --> 00:32:49,156 Speaker 1: little tension. I'm just like pissy at you, mom for 642 00:32:49,196 --> 00:32:52,756 Speaker 1: that thing you said to me. Any strategies for diffusing. 643 00:32:52,276 --> 00:32:55,636 Speaker 3: That, Yeah, So I want to start with a piece 644 00:32:55,676 --> 00:32:58,636 Speaker 3: of research on that, which I conducted during the pandemic. 645 00:32:59,036 --> 00:33:01,236 Speaker 3: One of the only good things I can say about 646 00:33:01,276 --> 00:33:05,436 Speaker 3: the pandemic is that it gave a naturalistic opportunity to 647 00:33:05,476 --> 00:33:10,316 Speaker 3: study what happens when families have more dinner with one another. 648 00:33:10,756 --> 00:33:15,036 Speaker 3: So something like sixty percent seventy percent of families shared 649 00:33:15,076 --> 00:33:18,796 Speaker 3: family dinners during the pandemic. And what I found was 650 00:33:18,996 --> 00:33:23,916 Speaker 3: that as frequency increased, the positive qualities of family dinner 651 00:33:24,036 --> 00:33:28,476 Speaker 3: also increased. So parents reported that they talked more about gratitude, 652 00:33:28,756 --> 00:33:31,996 Speaker 3: they laughed more, they talked about their identity as a family. 653 00:33:32,236 --> 00:33:36,716 Speaker 3: They also shared more conversation about the news and public events, 654 00:33:37,036 --> 00:33:41,276 Speaker 3: they used zoom to connect with friends and family. But 655 00:33:41,396 --> 00:33:44,956 Speaker 3: they also had more conflict and tension at the table. 656 00:33:45,156 --> 00:33:48,316 Speaker 3: And at first I was sort of upset by that finding, 657 00:33:48,396 --> 00:33:51,116 Speaker 3: and then I thought, well, of course, if you're spending 658 00:33:51,196 --> 00:33:53,916 Speaker 3: more time with your family. But dinner is a canvas. 659 00:33:54,196 --> 00:33:57,436 Speaker 3: It's an opportunity to do what families do, and one 660 00:33:57,436 --> 00:34:00,156 Speaker 3: of the things they do is have conflict and fight. 661 00:34:00,516 --> 00:34:03,956 Speaker 3: And I will say that the positive qualities increased way 662 00:34:03,996 --> 00:34:07,076 Speaker 3: more than the negative ones. So the first thing I 663 00:34:07,116 --> 00:34:10,796 Speaker 3: would say is some conflict and tension is to be expected. 664 00:34:10,996 --> 00:34:13,876 Speaker 3: And I know growing up we had drag out fights 665 00:34:13,916 --> 00:34:16,796 Speaker 3: about politics. I love those fights and I think my 666 00:34:16,876 --> 00:34:19,596 Speaker 3: parents did too. So you know, for some families, those 667 00:34:19,716 --> 00:34:23,236 Speaker 3: kinds of philosophical or political fights are really part of 668 00:34:23,316 --> 00:34:26,756 Speaker 3: their identity as a family. But in general, I think 669 00:34:26,756 --> 00:34:29,716 Speaker 3: there are ways to minimize conflict. Probably not the best 670 00:34:29,756 --> 00:34:33,036 Speaker 3: time to bring up topics, you know, our hot button 671 00:34:33,036 --> 00:34:35,756 Speaker 3: issues for your kids. Maybe don't talk about that d 672 00:34:35,956 --> 00:34:40,356 Speaker 3: they got in chemistry. Maybe go easy on teaching table 673 00:34:40,436 --> 00:34:43,956 Speaker 3: matters that makes everybody tense. Just focus on the manners 674 00:34:44,036 --> 00:34:46,596 Speaker 3: that matter that everybody can do better, you know, not 675 00:34:46,636 --> 00:34:49,756 Speaker 3: interrupting each other or maybe not talking with a mouthful 676 00:34:49,756 --> 00:34:52,916 Speaker 3: of food, But who cares about the elbows on the table. 677 00:34:53,116 --> 00:34:57,116 Speaker 3: Other things that kind of mitigate against conflict is having fun, 678 00:34:57,276 --> 00:35:01,396 Speaker 3: playing games, having conversations that make us laugh or think. 679 00:35:01,636 --> 00:35:05,596 Speaker 3: And yes, there can be guidelines that are offered, like 680 00:35:06,356 --> 00:35:08,476 Speaker 3: we have a role at the dinner table. Let's just 681 00:35:08,556 --> 00:35:11,996 Speaker 3: remember that when one person is talking, other people don't 682 00:35:12,036 --> 00:35:14,916 Speaker 3: talk over them or interrupt. Gosh, this is getting a 683 00:35:14,916 --> 00:35:18,076 Speaker 3: little heated. Let's just step away for a moment and 684 00:35:18,116 --> 00:35:21,836 Speaker 3: take a break. Or let's do a quick breathing exercise 685 00:35:21,876 --> 00:35:24,516 Speaker 3: and just calm down for a minute. I thought about 686 00:35:24,596 --> 00:35:28,356 Speaker 3: conflict a lot, and often do at Thanksgiving, which is, 687 00:35:28,556 --> 00:35:32,836 Speaker 3: of course after elections. And in twenty sixteen I was 688 00:35:32,876 --> 00:35:36,836 Speaker 3: worried about my own conflict at the Thanksgiving table, and 689 00:35:36,876 --> 00:35:39,596 Speaker 3: I came up with a game that I've now played 690 00:35:39,636 --> 00:35:42,996 Speaker 3: every Thanksgiving that I call the hat game. And as 691 00:35:43,076 --> 00:35:45,876 Speaker 3: people come in, I have a hat and post it's 692 00:35:45,916 --> 00:35:48,356 Speaker 3: at the table, and I have a prompt, and I 693 00:35:48,516 --> 00:35:52,756 Speaker 3: ask everybody to answer the prompt anonymously. So that first year, 694 00:35:52,876 --> 00:35:55,996 Speaker 3: it was what character in a children's book did you 695 00:35:56,116 --> 00:35:59,356 Speaker 3: most identify or do you most identify with or want 696 00:35:59,356 --> 00:36:02,596 Speaker 3: to be? Or what toy did you most love as 697 00:36:02,636 --> 00:36:06,036 Speaker 3: a child or love now as a child And people 698 00:36:06,036 --> 00:36:07,916 Speaker 3: would answer them. And then I brought the hat to 699 00:36:07,956 --> 00:36:11,076 Speaker 3: the table and pull out the post its, and each 700 00:36:11,156 --> 00:36:14,916 Speaker 3: person tried to guess which person went with which answer, 701 00:36:15,236 --> 00:36:17,836 Speaker 3: and then that person could expound if they wanted. But 702 00:36:17,956 --> 00:36:20,676 Speaker 3: it meant that for like ten or fifteen minutes, we 703 00:36:20,836 --> 00:36:25,196 Speaker 3: had a light hearted, interesting, conflict free conversation. 704 00:36:26,796 --> 00:36:29,556 Speaker 1: Thanks to doctor Anne Fichell and Yan Emmanuel denv for 705 00:36:29,636 --> 00:36:31,916 Speaker 1: walking us through the importance of sharing meal time with 706 00:36:31,996 --> 00:36:35,236 Speaker 1: other people. In the next episode, we'll examine another topic 707 00:36:35,316 --> 00:36:38,356 Speaker 1: raised by the report. Are we becoming less trusting and 708 00:36:38,396 --> 00:36:40,596 Speaker 1: what does that mean for our well being? All that 709 00:36:40,676 --> 00:36:44,036 Speaker 1: next time on the Happiness Lab with meet doctor Laurie Santos.