Speaker 1: Wind down with Jane and Michael Colin and her radio
Speaker 1: podcast Hi Friends, Hi, um so in studio today, um
Speaker 1: continuing on the Mom January, I've got Kristen Breast again,
Speaker 1: who is on last week's podcast, so much fun last week.
Speaker 1: And then we've got Leslie another one of my mom uh,
Speaker 1: one of my mom besties, Mrs Leslie Crabtree the studio.
Speaker 1: What's going on in everyone's life? Um, mom life. Love
Speaker 1: is back in school, so that's full tricky. She just
Speaker 1: turned four. She turned four on Sunday. Four was really hard.
Speaker 1: What made it hard because Jolly is about to turn four,
Speaker 1: so I need the prep. I'll probably cry. It just
Speaker 1: seems big. It's like the last of the baby days. Look,
Speaker 1: and I get choked up. Who is a big age?
Speaker 1: I mean, I know, listen hashtag bless. She's healthy, she's great.
Speaker 1: It's just it just seems so big. And she's so
Speaker 1: like well spoken, and she just looks like a little
Speaker 1: person now not so baby, you know, but she's a
Speaker 1: little human. Yeah. So she turned four on January five,
Speaker 1: and then she woke up January six and she was
Speaker 1: like guess what, And I go what And she's like,
Speaker 1: I'm five today. I was like, it doesn't quite work
Speaker 1: like that, but bless your heart, well, Leslie, I mean,
Speaker 1: how old are your kids? Oh god, I've got one
Speaker 1: getting ready to turn sixteen, So talk about big. I
Speaker 1: don't care how old I get. I'm slashing the tires
Speaker 1: for you with please so that I can say that
Speaker 1: I didn't do it. Yeah, and you can say that
Speaker 1: with an honest heart because it was me. It's tough,
Speaker 1: it's really, that's big. I don't care how old I get,
Speaker 1: but my kids I still to this day can't see
Speaker 1: them happy birthday without crying. And I get choked up
Speaker 1: when I see them happy because you were there on
Speaker 1: the O G birthday. That's right. So sixteen, so sixteen
Speaker 1: and in thirteen, but sixteen is just that's rough. Hard,
Speaker 1: it's rough, you know. When someone said to me it's
Speaker 1: the beginning of letting go, I was like, oh, stop,
Speaker 1: like stop, They're like, he's going to turn sixteen and
Speaker 1: then in two years he's going to be in college.
Speaker 1: I'm like, do you really want me to completely have
Speaker 1: a breakdown? Because they like you? Yeah? Right, whosi do
Speaker 1: you want here? Yeah? Say your friends and the beginning
Speaker 1: of letting go happen when I when they cut the
Speaker 1: cord for me, it really was a hard moment. I
Speaker 1: was like, Okay, you're not inside me anymore. It's gonna
Speaker 1: get rough from here on out. Well, it's true, I
Speaker 1: feel like it's just sixteen age though, well, I feel
Speaker 1: like every single age or I don't know if I'm
Speaker 1: gonna yes, I'm going to be super sad at four,
Speaker 1: but at the same time, I love who Joel is
Speaker 1: coming into. I feel like I'm gonna have a hard
Speaker 1: time around the twelve. Are you do a bad twelve
Speaker 1: thirteen year old? Well, that's what my parents got divorced.
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm, So the flood of emotion. Yeah, Well twelve
Speaker 1: thirteen with girls is also like puberty. Well, I didn't
Speaker 1: start my period until I was like fifteen, sixteen, sixteen
Speaker 1: and a half stick together twelve twelve, well my sixth
Speaker 1: grade year. So how are you in sixth grade year twelve? Right? Yeah? Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I feel like a lot, like I know a
Speaker 1: lot of kids are starting pot or younger too, because
Speaker 1: I think it's a lot of stuff. Obviously, I think
Speaker 1: it's the foods and everything that we're eating, the hormones
Speaker 1: that we don't disagree. Yes, but I mean I haven't
Speaker 1: done the research, so I don't know. That's just my
Speaker 1: own naive thinking. People pick up on hates milk. I
Speaker 1: don't know, because my sixteen year old was a late bloomer,
Speaker 1: but my now thirteen year old not. So I don't
Speaker 1: and I don't know. Was the thirteen year old influenced
Speaker 1: by the sixteen year old? Does that have any role
Speaker 1: in how quickly they developed? That he has an older
Speaker 1: brother and so maybe it moved him along because you
Speaker 1: know how if you're with your friends for an extended
Speaker 1: period of time, you can end up with your girlfriends.
Speaker 1: You end up on the same cycle. Yeah, Jan and
Speaker 1: I know because we have to talk each other off
Speaker 1: the ledge about every third week. So does that play
Speaker 1: a role? And why the thirteen year old is developing faster?
Speaker 1: I don't know. I think so. I think it's a
Speaker 1: second kid things because Jason, I mean, he's he walked
Speaker 1: away faster than Jolie. He's already he already said his
Speaker 1: first word, weighed faster than Jolie. He because he's watching her.
Speaker 1: He's you know, just like and they want in on
Speaker 1: the action. Yeah, they want to play. I mean it
Speaker 1: is legend, legends like put me in coach. Yeah, he's
Speaker 1: like on a kitchen table. What are you doing? Bro right?
Speaker 1: I mean just words, all the words sixteen though. I
Speaker 1: think it's gonna be hard because you're watching them drive.
Speaker 1: I can't you, guys, I'm emotional today. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I think it's just they seem big already. Is that it? Yeah?
Speaker 1: And if I put her in a what else is
Speaker 1: going on? Uh? Well, my husband's been on the USO tour,
Speaker 1: so that's not helpful either. But he comes home today.
Speaker 1: So it's been an emotional like I've had this empathetic
Speaker 1: like how do soldier wives do this kind of week two?
Speaker 1: Where I just don't know how because that so dangerous
Speaker 1: and right now it's especially dangerous. Yeah, and he's like protected,
Speaker 1: but he's also not trained. I hate to say it,
Speaker 1: you know, like he's red neck trained. They handed out
Speaker 1: rifles and there was a terrace with antlers on his head.
Speaker 1: We could probably take them down fast, but I don't
Speaker 1: know if he would make it otherwise. Anyways, No, I
Speaker 1: do think like the thought of like her getting in
Speaker 1: a car and going away, you know, it's so hard
Speaker 1: to It's just hard to let go anyways, Well, then
Speaker 1: you have to trust the other that's the thing, to
Speaker 1: trust other drivers. Anyone else saying anything else, because it's
Speaker 1: like that's where I'm like, just right here, staying my
Speaker 1: little my, my little section of safety. I've been pretty
Speaker 1: honest about the fact that I think legends never moving out,
Speaker 1: and that I hate his wife and he's seventeen months.
Speaker 1: So yeah, it's gonna be hard to let go. Have
Speaker 1: any of the boys had girls yet, Like, what about girlfriends?
Speaker 1: You have boys only I have two boys. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: you're gonna have two women possibly unless one of them
Speaker 1: end up. You know, I don't. I think we're safe there.
Speaker 1: I think we're not. That not being safe is not
Speaker 1: because we got to be real political, that's true. I
Speaker 1: think that we know which which gender my children prefer.
Speaker 1: But either way, you would be supportive. Absolutely absolutely. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Now as far as girlfriends, again, I told you my
Speaker 1: sixteen year old is a late bloomer. The thirteen year
Speaker 1: old so quick, funny story. We were in the car
Speaker 1: the other day and I was asking the thirteen year
Speaker 1: old on the way home from school. I said, so,
Speaker 1: you know, buddy, anyone at school that you think is
Speaker 1: cute because like, I need fair, fair heads up right,
Speaker 1: because I like you, Kristen. I'm gonna hate whoever he did.
Speaker 1: I don't even know your boys, and I hate these
Speaker 1: girls that are with your boys. And if they if
Speaker 1: they break this heart, careful, it's real hard for me
Speaker 1: not to get involved in their lives. So we're on
Speaker 1: the way home. Anyone cute, right, because I need four
Speaker 1: warning and he's my kid that will tell me anything.
Speaker 1: And he goes, no, not so much. And I said,
Speaker 1: are you sure it was really nobody, because it's the
Speaker 1: same girls as last year and last year there were
Speaker 1: some girls that you thought were cute. He's like, oh,
Speaker 1: they're just friends now. I said, okay, so really nobody
Speaker 1: goes no, but I'm sure they're girls who have a
Speaker 1: crush on me, all right. He goes, well, last year
Speaker 1: there was like ten true wait, so tell me okay, wait, wait,
Speaker 1: time out though, Sorry, that's hilarious. And Drew bees adorable
Speaker 1: and he knows it, and he knows it. That's the problem.
Speaker 1: I looked him, I said, Drew. He goes think I
Speaker 1: married the adult version of Drew. He goes, well, you asked,
Speaker 1: He goes well, you asked me, Mom, and I told you.
Speaker 1: He was like, did you want me to lie? I
Speaker 1: was like, no, but I'm glad to see you're not
Speaker 1: short on confidence. Yeah, which is great. But here's here's
Speaker 1: the flip side to that conversation. Let me just play
Speaker 1: Devil's advocate. Oh boy, No, I'm just saying because you
Speaker 1: guys say that you're going to hate the women, and
Speaker 1: I have also said that. But here's the flip side
Speaker 1: of that. What if the women are just like you, strong, confident, loving, caring,
Speaker 1: why would you then hate them because they're going to
Speaker 1: be good for your son? Hater? Then yeah, I come
Speaker 1: at it from a little different angle. I would be
Speaker 1: I would be happy for them, you know. I want
Speaker 1: someone strong and and don't they say that you end
Speaker 1: up marrying someone like your mom or someone like your dad.
Speaker 1: So I would want them to be strong. But at
Speaker 1: the same time, I'll still hate her a little bit,
Speaker 1: you know, because because you again, I'm the o G right. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so now there's someone who who's coming into his life
Speaker 1: and is going to take him away from me. But
Speaker 1: at the same time I know that that's the way
Speaker 1: it's supposed to be. Rip them out of my hand.
Speaker 1: I mean she'd probably cut the umbilical cord and I
Speaker 1: just didn't know it. But you know, I mean, I
Speaker 1: want him in my life, so I'll have to cut
Speaker 1: it out. It's hard. I think I have this theory
Speaker 1: that boy moms are harder to work your way in
Speaker 1: with that if they have one of each, Like I
Speaker 1: don't fear for Jason's wife as much as I would
Speaker 1: fear well, but at least we'll have each other so
Speaker 1: I can talk you off the ledge and you can
Speaker 1: talk me after it. To your point, With just boy moms,
Speaker 1: I feel like, I mean, that is two women taking
Speaker 1: your sons away, and you've always thinking I'm sorry. I mean,
Speaker 1: I know we all feel like, but it's also like
Speaker 1: you've always been the only woman, Like you're the queen
Speaker 1: of the household, the only female. I don't I wonder
Speaker 1: how it's probably not gonna go. Well, have you had?
Speaker 1: I wanted to ask about the sex talk, but let
Speaker 1: me know if we needed what sex talk? Like has
Speaker 1: she had? They when you? Because I'm like, I feel
Speaker 1: like it's happening early. You want to talk to a
Speaker 1: four year old? No, No, but I know it's like
Speaker 1: happening early and earlier for people and that kind of
Speaker 1: stresses me out. Like my neighbors have a ten year
Speaker 1: old little boy and they had to like kind of
Speaker 1: have a like a topical conversation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, No,
Speaker 1: absolutely we've had the conversation. Listen, I've had to have
Speaker 1: I no, I've had to have conversations with my when
Speaker 1: my fifteen year old soon to be sixteen year old
Speaker 1: was thirteen that were not anything that I really wanted
Speaker 1: to have, like about No, I don't know. I love
Speaker 1: that it's under the breath. I don't know. I'll talk
Speaker 1: to him about that, about about rape and like him
Speaker 1: being raped. Oh there's there where there were headlines here,
Speaker 1: yeah at a school. Um, I don't I don't know.
Speaker 1: If it was alleged, I'll let's just say that alleged
Speaker 1: that some stuff went down in the locker room, in
Speaker 1: the boys locker room. And so I felt like, you know,
Speaker 1: it was all over the place. The kids were talking
Speaker 1: about it. So I felt like I had to sit
Speaker 1: my kid down and say, listen, this is what happened.
Speaker 1: It's not okay, but this this could happen to you too.
Speaker 1: It's not just a girl thing. It could happen to
Speaker 1: you too. And talk about uncomfortable conversation, and then we
Speaker 1: had to have a conversation about oral sex, also very uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: I need like like that. Look, I loved what I
Speaker 1: was Wait are you eight grade? How are you asking question? Okay,
Speaker 1: that's what I learned about an eighth grade A jill?
Speaker 1: Where are you now? From your little status report? Little
Speaker 1: check out? And I was like, what the good? I
Speaker 1: like that actually as opposed to Jerry being over there,
Speaker 1: that's like, can't talk right now about the hell when
Speaker 1: like when do kids know about I guess I know
Speaker 1: oral sex? When do they know about now? I don't know.
Speaker 1: I don't know, I don't want to know. I'm getting
Speaker 1: sweaty and I know about that. I just explain to
Speaker 1: him what it was, and I said, let me tell
Speaker 1: you something right now. It's a very intimate act. So
Speaker 1: you better make sure that you really like the girl
Speaker 1: who's but what about it was servicing you? That? Just
Speaker 1: you know, it's it's like the same song pretty Woman
Speaker 1: just went through my head. It's just what about sex though?
Speaker 1: What about sex? Like? What about that conversation the birds
Speaker 1: and the bees? I made Chris have that conversation? Enough?
Speaker 1: Throw something over to the other side. I did. I
Speaker 1: was like, in the car now with your kid, we're
Speaker 1: going to the lake. We're driving separate cars, um taking
Speaker 1: meaking drough you're taking Sean, and you're gonna have the conversation.
Speaker 1: And if you haven't by the time we get to
Speaker 1: the lake, I'm shoving you in a room and you're
Speaker 1: having it until you know you're not coming out a conversation.
Speaker 1: I wonder what like a dad would say, like just
Speaker 1: use a condom, like what they say. I don't I
Speaker 1: don't know what he said. I don't want to know.
Speaker 1: I just when he came in, he just kind of
Speaker 1: gave me the he walked to the door and gave
Speaker 1: me the little nod. I was like, Okay, we're done.
Speaker 1: Good and conversation and I had to have the other
Speaker 1: awkward conversation with the papers rocks for that next time
Speaker 1: and maybe get yourself out of the how would you
Speaker 1: say it to ledge or love? Don't like this question?
Speaker 1: So many years, I don't know, it's just probably going
Speaker 1: to have to even come sooner for our kids. Well,
Speaker 1: so here's what's probably gonna happen. First on I'll never
Speaker 1: forget this. On Mother's Day when My oldest was like six.
Speaker 1: He comes and he goes, Mommy, how did babies get
Speaker 1: in your belly? I'm like, oh my god, this mother's
Speaker 1: dame and you're six? Do we really have to talk
Speaker 1: about this? And I remember I looked and I was like,
Speaker 1: do you really want to know? He was like yeah.
Speaker 1: I was like, are you sure you want to know?
Speaker 1: Like I'm just trying to get out of it, he
Speaker 1: was like, yeah, I really want to know. Like I
Speaker 1: default and toss it up, I'm like, God, put him there?
Speaker 1: What do you want for lunch? I would say, like
Speaker 1: when mommy and daddy, when a mommy and a daddy
Speaker 1: love each other, or like when a husband and wife
Speaker 1: love each other. A baby appears. I don't even go there.
Speaker 1: Would you say? I just said cows whales? It's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: he's at school and they're like, do you know how
Speaker 1: babies are? Maybe He's like, yeah, cows and whales. Put
Speaker 1: him there, gets all turned around. It's like they just
Speaker 1: they get in there, and they get in there is
Speaker 1: one way of putting it, and they all have to
Speaker 1: come out through this same tunnel. Man. Well, I'm I
Speaker 1: hope you guys all enjoyed the first fifteen minutes of
Speaker 1: sway educational. We're gonna take a quick ache, and then
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Speaker 1: and conditions apply. Okay, So I'm really excited because today's
Speaker 1: episode we have Mel Robbins on the podcast. Today. She's
Speaker 1: a motivational speaker, which I just I love motivational speakers.
Speaker 1: I'm a big fan of like Rachel Hollis Um. But
Speaker 1: Mel Robbins is actually one of the biggest all time
Speaker 1: motivational speakers. And how she's been able to basically go
Speaker 1: from nothing to you know, selling out big arenas and
Speaker 1: she has that five second rule, which I'm really excited
Speaker 1: to talk about, but I think a lot of it
Speaker 1: is just that motivating. And I'm curious, like, for you girls,
Speaker 1: what is one thing for you that like you want
Speaker 1: to get motivated about? Like what is holding you back?
Speaker 1: What's making you feel stuck? Is it their relationship is
Speaker 1: at work? Is if your own thing? Like, what what
Speaker 1: is it for you that just because I mean I
Speaker 1: have I'll just say I'll start like when I'm in bed,
Speaker 1: it's I have things that I want to do, but
Speaker 1: I don't know how to like get there, and then
Speaker 1: I doubt myself. I'm like, well, I can never happen.
Speaker 1: I can't do that, or very similar so and then
Speaker 1: I just sit in bed and then I then go
Speaker 1: on Instagram and then obviously I've talked about this before,
Speaker 1: but I'm just like, oh, let's see they're doing it,
Speaker 1: and they're doing it, which is funny. Like from my
Speaker 1: point of view, I feel like you're one of the
Speaker 1: most motivated humans right now. Like you're a hustler. You
Speaker 1: and my husband have the same business manager. Whenever I
Speaker 1: talked to our business manager, he's always like refers to you.
Speaker 1: He's just like she's hustler. Jana's hustler. And I do
Speaker 1: feel like I doubt myself, so I would like to
Speaker 1: hustle without the doubt. There's my thing, doubtless hustle, A
Speaker 1: doubtless hustle. What about you lost? I think I need
Speaker 1: to I want I'm stuck in figuring out what's next
Speaker 1: for me. You know, as my kids get older and
Speaker 1: require less of me and less day to day, and
Speaker 1: pretty soon I'm gonna have a driver, so that means
Speaker 1: I'm not even a taxi much anymore. You're not an uber.
Speaker 1: So now I'm like, what what do I do next?
Speaker 1: And with you know, with all that I've been through
Speaker 1: in the last year, I want to do something with
Speaker 1: that um and figure out But and like you, I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I see you on Instagram, all these people doing what
Speaker 1: I want to do, and I'm like, but how do
Speaker 1: I get there? Because well, she was a she was
Speaker 1: a TV reporter before she did that, so she's got
Speaker 1: connection is that I don't have, you know, so I've
Speaker 1: and so then I do nothing. M hm, So I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't know. I think fear it really
Speaker 1: is just what makes me just kind of paralyzes me.
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I don't doubt that I could do
Speaker 1: something someone else is already doing and do it differently
Speaker 1: because I just really feel like we're a pretty christ
Speaker 1: centered household. So for me, I'm just like, God, there's
Speaker 1: a path and that's what you do, and anything that's
Speaker 1: meant for you will always find you. That's kind of
Speaker 1: like our go to slogan in our house, like what's
Speaker 1: meant for you always find you? So but it is
Speaker 1: I just have this I sometimes this is one thing
Speaker 1: I actually one of the questions I wanted to ask Miles,
Speaker 1: like how do you not let what other people say?
Speaker 1: Because you can be as tough as you want to be,
Speaker 1: But and you know, like Bernie will say, like the
Speaker 1: famous quote when you're in the arena and you play
Speaker 1: in the arena, and and I get all of that,
Speaker 1: and like I get really hyped up, but then there's
Speaker 1: like one really hard comment and that I just I'm
Speaker 1: not made. I don't think to be in the spotlight.
Speaker 1: So that's what's always kind of kept me from doing
Speaker 1: what I've always wanted to do because I can't take
Speaker 1: like I could never do what Janna does. Ever, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I agree with that. I just don't know how because
Speaker 1: you're still human, right, and no matter how ridiculous the comment,
Speaker 1: it would be hard for me to get past it.
Speaker 1: And that would for me, it would be very unmotivating.
Speaker 1: It would take all the wind out of my sales,
Speaker 1: and I don't know that I would recover, probably just
Speaker 1: bag it in. And I think because I know there
Speaker 1: is a lot of stuff out there right now, you know,
Speaker 1: I think, Um, I would say this. It's hard because
Speaker 1: I've put myself in that situation too, have criticism, but
Speaker 1: also too because we have been so open, like for example,
Speaker 1: when I had mentioned the rule um last episode that
Speaker 1: got slaughtered in the media because you know, it's like,
Speaker 1: so you're saying someone can lie, and but I wasn't
Speaker 1: you know what I was even saying. And that is
Speaker 1: when someone has a character defect of lying all the time,
Speaker 1: sometimes they just need a space to be like, oh crap,
Speaker 1: that was a lot. I need to go back and
Speaker 1: fix it so that they're not scared and they don't
Speaker 1: hold on to and they don't justify. So that is
Speaker 1: just something that works for us. But anything that I
Speaker 1: ever say or do, it just it just becomes But
Speaker 1: I've also put that out there to be criticized, right,
Speaker 1: So that's something that I have to But I do
Speaker 1: think on the scale of what you guys have put
Speaker 1: out and how much you've helped, Like, I think you're
Speaker 1: you're helping people. I mean, there was I know you
Speaker 1: and Mike well, I mean we've done a lot of
Speaker 1: life together, all of us, and I still listen to
Speaker 1: some of those episodes and I like get choked up,
Speaker 1: you know, because it's all there's just so much that
Speaker 1: I can identify in my own marriage or my own life.
Speaker 1: And so I think when you guys put out what
Speaker 1: you put out, you're helping people out weighs the people
Speaker 1: that have an opinion no matter what, you know, there's
Speaker 1: just always going to be that group. And I know that,
Speaker 1: and I can say that to you, but if they
Speaker 1: did that to me, I would just be like, really,
Speaker 1: you know, it's something interesting. UM. I had a therapy
Speaker 1: session a couple of weeks ago or no, this was
Speaker 1: it was this week. It was like yesterday, um, from
Speaker 1: Welcome ar it was yesterday, UM. And you know she's like,
Speaker 1: we sit in this room and we talked. We're talking
Speaker 1: about so many different things, whether it be my relationship
Speaker 1: or or this person or that person. And she's like,
Speaker 1: you don't you need to talk about you and in
Speaker 1: your stuff and what you know, who you are. And
Speaker 1: so she made me do this exercise I am me
Speaker 1: and I had to like write out like I am this,
Speaker 1: I am that, and it was so hard for me
Speaker 1: to do because we don't ever focus on the positive
Speaker 1: stuff of our I was like, well, because everything I
Speaker 1: was writing at first it was like negative, like I
Speaker 1: can quick to talk, I can be quick to be
Speaker 1: you know, um uh you know, say nasty things if
Speaker 1: I'm hurt and I and she's like, you we leave
Speaker 1: off the stuff that's actually like I'm kind and I'm
Speaker 1: good to those that you know, I trust the people,
Speaker 1: I give people chances. I you know I. So it's
Speaker 1: like we we we don't focus on the positive of ourselves.
Speaker 1: And that was like so telling. And she's like, would
Speaker 1: you like me to write down what I see in you?
Speaker 1: And then I was just like no, no, I know,
Speaker 1: I got so uncomfortable. She's like, why are you so uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: I was like, because I don't believe it. And then
Speaker 1: she's like, well that's a problem, Like it's just so
Speaker 1: interesting that we just focus on the negative of ourselves
Speaker 1: and not the positives, which I think those negatives focusing
Speaker 1: on that as what was pulling us down. I also
Speaker 1: think I feel like it's easier to focus on the negative.
Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean. It's sort of like
Speaker 1: it's it's easier to focus on the negative and anything,
Speaker 1: you know, criticizing your husband or what you don't like
Speaker 1: about you know, your house or your I just feel
Speaker 1: like that comes easier because I don't I don't know.
Speaker 1: I feel like when you pump yourself up, but we
Speaker 1: just have to because I'll have to. But yeah, because
Speaker 1: no one else is going too right. But I also
Speaker 1: I don't know what it feels very um, I don't know,
Speaker 1: I'm a great friend, feels like I know. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna write that down. Yeah. I was like, well,
Speaker 1: what about the times that I haven't been a great friend?
Speaker 1: And she's just like, oh my god. I do like
Speaker 1: if I say anything to Jane, I'm like, Jane, I'm
Speaker 1: really proud of your friend. I feel like you're doing
Speaker 1: a really your job friend. I feel like a really
Speaker 1: brave friend. Like she's like, yeah, okay, so where do
Speaker 1: you want to go to lunch tomorrow, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: up there, go squatted away. We sqatted away. I do
Speaker 1: think being a mom, though, does start to change that
Speaker 1: a little bit, because I know the ways I talk
Speaker 1: about myself or the way I used to talk about
Speaker 1: myself I've had to change because I love our daughter
Speaker 1: is like literally soaking in everything I say. So when
Speaker 1: I have a hard time putting on my spanks because
Speaker 1: it's like my spanks lanes and I'm like it's been
Speaker 1: a rough holiday season, I now say, wow, this is
Speaker 1: mama's healthy body. I'm having a hard time getting these
Speaker 1: pants on instead of you know, whant you say? Like
Speaker 1: I feel like a badass. You know, just the way
Speaker 1: I talk about myself is also the way she is
Speaker 1: going to learn what I think of myself and what
Speaker 1: she should think about herself. And so that filter has
Speaker 1: been really good for me to kind of like put
Speaker 1: it through her eyes because she thinks I'm like stunning.
Speaker 1: I mean she really she thinks I'm pretty. But and
Speaker 1: where do you want to go for lunch tomorrow? Well,
Speaker 1: I'm excited to talk to her. She's going to be
Speaker 1: you know, she's going to be an awesome guest. To
Speaker 1: have on the show to help us get out of
Speaker 1: our It's like for me that it's like a January funk.
Speaker 1: Does anyone else have that hype stuck in January? I
Speaker 1: love January. I was born in it, though, I do
Speaker 1: think it's like a funk though, because you everything, the
Speaker 1: hype is over, you know, like the New Year's here
Speaker 1: and they're us to be some like magic switch in
Speaker 1: your body or your brain where you just do everything
Speaker 1: so much better and different and like yolo, and it's
Speaker 1: like that's not realistic. Really, Christmas is over, the decorations
Speaker 1: are down, so Leslie, Yeah, I'm going to give you
Speaker 1: the floor for the mama's out there that or the ladies.
Speaker 1: You don't have to just be a mom um and
Speaker 1: you can be young, you can be old, you can
Speaker 1: be in the middle. Yeah, you can be any forgers.
Speaker 1: So I don't I think we talked about this the
Speaker 1: last time we were together, Um about me finding out
Speaker 1: that I was brack of positive. Yeah. Yeah, So I
Speaker 1: found out that I'm brack of TUO positive, which means
Speaker 1: that that puts me in an increased risk for breast
Speaker 1: and a varying cancer. So one of the preventative measures
Speaker 1: to hopefully not get breast cancer, because that's what I'm
Speaker 1: at greatest risk for, is to have your ovaries and
Speaker 1: Philippian tubes removed and then consider a double miss actonmy
Speaker 1: So I felt like ovaries and Philippian tubes were given,
Speaker 1: I was done having kids, done with my family. But
Speaker 1: what it does is it throws you into instant menopause.
Speaker 1: Like you wake up from surgery and bam, you're in
Speaker 1: menou young and I am not of menopausal age yet.
Speaker 1: Now was I headed that direction? Absolutely? What we all
Speaker 1: are Essentially, I'm yesterday. I'm closer than you guys. But um,
Speaker 1: with instant menopause comes all sorts of really not fun things. Um,
Speaker 1: you know, the hot flashes. So I woke up last
Speaker 1: night d wrenched, like, change my shirt, pe the bed.
Speaker 1: I didn't pee the bed, but it felt that with
Speaker 1: pillow was wet, my shirt was wet, my sheets were wet.
Speaker 1: I threw the sheets off, I changed my shirt, I
Speaker 1: got back in bed because the sheets are still wet.
Speaker 1: Now I'm cold, and then I'm hot again, and then
Speaker 1: I'm cold. But I used, you know, I had your
Speaker 1: train of thought. I was like, okay, hot flash. I
Speaker 1: burned extra caloriexactly trying to go off. But what I
Speaker 1: learned today was my breast surgeon wanted to check my
Speaker 1: estrogen level to see how far off the cliff I've fallen.
Speaker 1: And let's just say that I'm fully on the floor.
Speaker 1: But like, have you been because you haven't had the
Speaker 1: mood swings? Have you? You would have to ask Chris.
Speaker 1: I don't know, but I mean, has it been? There?
Speaker 1: Definitely were a little you were really afraid of that
Speaker 1: part right well that and honestly, Chris would not appreciate
Speaker 1: me talking about this, but obviously, but I'm going to anyway.
Speaker 1: So but your muffs gris the way we go. Um,
Speaker 1: but our sex life, like, one of the things that
Speaker 1: happens in menopause is dryness, and it's it's a real thing.
Speaker 1: Like to the point where I looked him the other day,
Speaker 1: I was like, your penis may as well be made
Speaker 1: of tiny shards of glass, because that is exactly what
Speaker 1: it feels like, Chris. There is medicine apparently for that.
Speaker 1: There is, which is why I had my estrogen check.
Speaker 1: He can put me on estrogen as a low dose
Speaker 1: estrogen to just kind of get me over the hump
Speaker 1: and to help with and get you hump and to
Speaker 1: help with things. And so he wanted to see how far,
Speaker 1: how how low with my estrogen before he put me
Speaker 1: on the estrogen. Um. So the good news is is
Speaker 1: even if even if he puts me on the estrogen,
Speaker 1: it doesn't undo what was done by removing my ovrace,
Speaker 1: but it will hopefully get me over the hump. But yeah,
Speaker 1: some days I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Speaker 1: I don't know which end is up. For the women
Speaker 1: that are you know, Bracco, or wanna find out if
Speaker 1: they are, what is your best advice for them? Is it?
Speaker 1: Because I mean, obviously you made the decision and you're
Speaker 1: making the decision to get your breast removed this year. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so I'll have the double mostecto me this summer. UM.
Speaker 1: If you are worried about being brack of positive, you
Speaker 1: can you can take a test. You can take a
Speaker 1: genetic test. I mine was done by my gnecologist. But
Speaker 1: because your mother had because my mother had ovaryan cancer.
Speaker 1: I lost my m to a varying cancer. She's the
Speaker 1: only one in my family that we did not have
Speaker 1: a deep story of a variant a breast cancer. So
Speaker 1: when I took the test, I was a giant apple
Speaker 1: and was like, yeah, take the test. It's going to
Speaker 1: be negative. I'm not even worried about it. So when
Speaker 1: it came back positive, I was stunned. Yeah, that's overwhelming.
Speaker 1: It's really overwhelming because I never even worried about it,
Speaker 1: not even for a second. Even after the test was done,
Speaker 1: I wasn't even worried about getting the results back to
Speaker 1: the point where when my doctor called me and said
Speaker 1: you're positive, I was like positive for what I was,
Speaker 1: I was such an all I thought it was going
Speaker 1: to be nothing. But you can take a genetic test.
Speaker 1: From what I understand, you can do the I think
Speaker 1: twenty three and me has a box that you can
Speaker 1: check when you send your sample and as to whether
Speaker 1: or not you want to be tested for brecca. So
Speaker 1: that's the way you can do it. They're all kinds
Speaker 1: of ways, kind of dad or a relative. You can
Speaker 1: find out that my dad, by the way, keeps he's
Speaker 1: like it's your dad, and I'm like, Dad, please go
Speaker 1: about twenty three and me like I get it here.
Speaker 1: My dad like we're cool. Yeah, So you can do
Speaker 1: it that way, but I would just be I would
Speaker 1: caution anyone don't just go Willie nearly do it because
Speaker 1: you can't unsee those results. So just know that you're
Speaker 1: ready to hear whatever comes back, because it might not
Speaker 1: be Bracca. It might come back and say, hey, you
Speaker 1: are at risk for rectal cancer. Wait, you can't live
Speaker 1: without your recton, So you gotta know. You gotta know
Speaker 1: that you're ready to hear. I don't know if you
Speaker 1: were comfortable saying this though, but how old are you?
Speaker 1: Because you look so young to me. I am forty seven. Wow, yeah,
Speaker 1: looking good, thank you, And I have guessed. Yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: still young. It's still young, and I still wasn't in menopause. Um,
Speaker 1: what's the average age we and my mom was thirty
Speaker 1: four when she went through menopause. Yeah, that is really
Speaker 1: the average age is fifty two. Okay, I thought I
Speaker 1: thought it was closer to fifty, but I couldn't remember.
Speaker 1: That's the average age. Yeah, so I was definitely headed
Speaker 1: that direction. I'm terrified a menopause because my anxiety is
Speaker 1: already through the roof. My emotions already like I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be there to hold you, It's gonna be great, We're
Speaker 1: gonna get through it. We get through it all, Yeah,
Speaker 1: we sure are. And every twenty one days I'll remind
Speaker 1: you until you get to menopause, and then I'll remind
Speaker 1: you every four months. It's gonna be awesome. I'll love you.
Speaker 1: Let's take a break. Okay, I how do I say?
Speaker 1: It's not being mean? I've I was gonna say, I've
Speaker 1: never been more excited to have this guest in studio.
Speaker 1: But I am so so freaking excited to have Mel
Speaker 1: Robbins in studio. Wow, never been more excited. You have
Speaker 1: very low standards, you know. I just I was there
Speaker 1: guest before. No, I just have so much to ask you.
Speaker 1: I just feel so stuck and I just need your help.
Speaker 1: I cry, No, but I just will. First of all,
Speaker 1: Mel Robbins, isn't like you're the biggest freaking motivational speaker
Speaker 1: out there. You've completely changed your life, and I feel
Speaker 1: like for me and maybe some other listeners out there
Speaker 1: who scroll on Instagram and see that, and it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: it's that tinge of not jealousy, But I like, how
Speaker 1: do I how do I do that? How do I
Speaker 1: how do I get unstuck? And I know you have
Speaker 1: your five second Rule Book, which is you know it was.
Speaker 1: It was the name the number one audiobook in the
Speaker 1: world and the fifth most read book of the year
Speaker 1: on Amazon. So that's incredible. Um, but how do I start, Well,
Speaker 1: it started at the beginning, where are you stuck? Well,
Speaker 1: I don't know how honest, I don't really like, Well,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna warn you right now. You don't know if
Speaker 1: you want me to come back or well, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: warn you right now that, um, there's no halfway with me,
Speaker 1: and that I believe that everything happens for a reason,
Speaker 1: and that there's a reason why you're talking to me today,
Speaker 1: and that it's gonna come out in terms of whether
Speaker 1: or not you want to just start talking about how
Speaker 1: you're stuck or whether or not I drag it out
Speaker 1: of you, because either way, either way it's coming out,
Speaker 1: because that's well, that's the only way that I rolled.
Speaker 1: Because I think that we talk about the things that
Speaker 1: we're comfortable talking about, and that means that we don't
Speaker 1: talk about the things that we need to talk about
Speaker 1: that are uncomfortable. And one of the things that you
Speaker 1: said that already jumped out at me is that you
Speaker 1: use the word jealousy and you used it in terms
Speaker 1: of scrolling through social media, and you know, maybe you
Speaker 1: land on one of the videos that we put out
Speaker 1: every single day to the millions of our followers, and
Speaker 1: what strikes you is, well, here's a woman who eleven
Speaker 1: years ago was at rocking bottom, drinking too much, marriage
Speaker 1: and crisis, eight thousand dollars in dead, three kids, the
Speaker 1: definition of stuck, the definition of self loathing, and somehow
Speaker 1: she pulled her together and she changed her life, and
Speaker 1: now she is helping other people do that, and I'm
Speaker 1: jealous of the fact that she did that. Jealousy is
Speaker 1: a really interesting thing because it's very powerful. There is
Speaker 1: the jealousy that is destructive, that is the negative jealousy
Speaker 1: when you look at what somebody has and you're envious
Speaker 1: and you believe they don't deserve it. But then there's
Speaker 1: the jealousy that I think is really positive, that's tied
Speaker 1: into your intuition and your intelligence, and jealousy that's positive
Speaker 1: shows up as a huge like ding ding ding ding
Speaker 1: ding signal from your soul that there's something in that
Speaker 1: thing that you're seeing that the other person is doing
Speaker 1: that's calling you forward. And so your jealousy of the
Speaker 1: fact that I hit this moment and somehow figured out
Speaker 1: how to get unstuck. That means that your soul is
Speaker 1: trying to tell you, I feel so stuck and I
Speaker 1: need you two make a decision to change your life.
Speaker 1: That's what is at the heart of the jealousy comment
Speaker 1: that you just said. And it's a very positive thing. Wow, yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean and and I do like because I am
Speaker 1: a I I hustle, like I really do hustle, and
Speaker 1: I you know, because I provide for my family and
Speaker 1: my kids and um, you know, and and a lot
Speaker 1: of times when I do look at that, it's like
Speaker 1: I want to be able to you know, which is
Speaker 1: why I like I had we have this podcast, and
Speaker 1: I'm trying to help others and trying to you know,
Speaker 1: use my experiences to um guide others and help others
Speaker 1: that what what I've been through. But also when you
Speaker 1: get stuck in your own it's like how you know,
Speaker 1: the for example, like you said you had crippling anxiety,
Speaker 1: Like sometimes I feel like my anxiety takes over so
Speaker 1: much of my life and the things that I want
Speaker 1: to do in my life because I'm too afraid to
Speaker 1: go and enjoy I'm too afraid to go to um
Speaker 1: fly a couple hours away to enjoy myself with some
Speaker 1: friends because I'm too afraid of X, Y and Z
Speaker 1: or my kids or or I'm going to have an
Speaker 1: anxiety attack and I and what if I pass out?
Speaker 1: And it's like, I live my life so fear based
Speaker 1: that it's holding me back from so many things that
Speaker 1: I could be enjoying or I could be growing. Yes, okay,
Speaker 1: so a couple of things. Let's go deep. You just
Speaker 1: said that you provide for your kids. So are you
Speaker 1: the primary breadwinner in your marriage? Yes? Welcome to the
Speaker 1: new reality. Were the women who work are the primary
Speaker 1: breadwinners of their household? And welcome to something that I
Speaker 1: call breadwinner resentment rage. And what that is is it's
Speaker 1: a dynamic that's that's happening in primarily heterosexual relationships. It
Speaker 1: happened in my relationship. When you start out earning your partner,
Speaker 1: there is this whole up passive aggressive thing that happens
Speaker 1: because and I'm not saying that this is what's going
Speaker 1: on in your marriage. I know nothing about your marriage.
Speaker 1: I'm saying this is what happened in my marriage, and
Speaker 1: this is what happens for almost every single woman that
Speaker 1: then hits that moment where you become the provider. When
Speaker 1: it comes to you earning more money, there is a
Speaker 1: direct attack psychologically that your partner undergoes because just like women,
Speaker 1: this is so dupp that it's this way. But forever
Speaker 1: women have been told to be good girls and to
Speaker 1: look good, and you know, we're so hard on ourselves
Speaker 1: and on our bodies because society is prioritized youth, being thin,
Speaker 1: looking good when it comes to being a woman. For dudes,
Speaker 1: it's about being successful in providing. And so the second
Speaker 1: that you're in a relationship, were now, according to culture,
Speaker 1: you're the one that's providing for the family, your husband,
Speaker 1: your partner. This happened in my relationship too when I
Speaker 1: started out earning my husband. They go through an identity
Speaker 1: crisis where they're saying that they're proud of you, but
Speaker 1: they actually resent you because they don't feel successful anymore
Speaker 1: and they don't feel, uh, you know, like they're the
Speaker 1: ones that's providing, and it ty and it creates tremendous
Speaker 1: turmoil in your relationship. I would echo this is kristin
Speaker 1: himel amazing um I am on my second marriage, Um,
Speaker 1: I would say, I would echo, that's completely accurate because
Speaker 1: in my first marriage I felt like I raised him
Speaker 1: a bit. And that's not a slam. It's just like
Speaker 1: I'm a go get her, I'm a hard worker and
Speaker 1: I just handled and he was hanging on, you know.
Speaker 1: And the resentment, I'm like, dude, do something, you know
Speaker 1: anything spinning a circle, put the dishes away. It is
Speaker 1: It's a really there's a lot of resentment there. I've
Speaker 1: never heard it phrase the way you did, and it's
Speaker 1: so well put because that's a real thing. And I
Speaker 1: think especially in the industry that Janna and I are
Speaker 1: in my husband's and country music, my forever husband, if
Speaker 1: you will, UM is in country music, and he is
Speaker 1: now he is the breadwinner. And and there's something in
Speaker 1: in my brain that's having a hard time accepting that,
Speaker 1: you know. And I'm gonna stay at home mom now
Speaker 1: with a degree and a kick gas resume and a
Speaker 1: career that I hug up, hung up, and and so
Speaker 1: now I'm going how do I get back in? And
Speaker 1: when you said stuck, it like instantly brought tears my
Speaker 1: eyes from why my crain because it's that stuck feeling
Speaker 1: like what do what do you do? Now? You know
Speaker 1: I have this, I gotta lock my ship up, mel Um.
Speaker 1: Now you don't like locking it up is not working? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know. It's just like you're saying, oh, mom for
Speaker 1: four years, but there's so much more, so much more so,
Speaker 1: here's the thing And then there's some sort of guilt's
Speaker 1: associated with that too, is if being a mother isn't
Speaker 1: enough because I'm obsessed with these human beings, probably to
Speaker 1: like a really creepy degree that I've am raising, you know,
Speaker 1: So let me reframe this for you. You're ready, Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're not. Said you're here for a reason. Today, I
Speaker 1: like instantly had tears and I was like, I'm probably
Speaker 1: gonna cry. Well, I'm here for a reason because where
Speaker 1: you're at in terms of the way that you're thinking
Speaker 1: about things, is causing you a lot of emotional pain.
Speaker 1: And it doesn't have to be that way. What you're
Speaker 1: feeling is what every single woman on the planet feels,
Speaker 1: which is the real conflict between caretaking and ambition and
Speaker 1: being ambitious somehow having the ambition being conflict with your
Speaker 1: role as a mother and as a wife. And what
Speaker 1: I want you to know is that you're not stuck.
Speaker 1: What's happening is that you're really present to your ambition.
Speaker 1: That's it, and there's nothing wrong. And you had the
Speaker 1: greatest gift on the planet, which is you've been able
Speaker 1: to stay home with your kids. That's incredible. And now
Speaker 1: what you need to know is that it's time to
Speaker 1: listen to that ambition. You're not stuck at all. And
Speaker 1: here's something else I want to tell you, because I
Speaker 1: I've been married. Jeez, I don't even want what year
Speaker 1: in twenty four years? Yep, So I've been married twenty
Speaker 1: four years. And I'll go back to the breadman winner
Speaker 1: resentment rage and talk to you about like what Chris
Speaker 1: and I worked through, because what happened in my marriage
Speaker 1: is when we were about fifteen years and probably like
Speaker 1: twelve years in. He had always been the primary breadwinner,
Speaker 1: but his uh, he had gone into the restaurant business
Speaker 1: and we had put our entire life savings into it
Speaker 1: and it went under or was going under, and we
Speaker 1: were eight hundred thousand dollars in debt. We had three
Speaker 1: young kids. Leans hit the house, the bankruptcy letters started
Speaker 1: to arrive. I ended up getting fired from my job.
Speaker 1: This was two thousand eight lousy year for everybody, huge
Speaker 1: housing recession. And I did what any functioning adult would
Speaker 1: do when your life starts to go down the toilet.
Speaker 1: I started drinking like it was my job. And uh,
Speaker 1: because it's easier, to, of course, numb your pain than
Speaker 1: it is to face it. And um, I for six
Speaker 1: months straight would drink myself to sleep every night, and
Speaker 1: then I would hit the snooze button five times in
Speaker 1: the morning, and the kids would miss the bus and
Speaker 1: Chris was already left the house because he didn't want
Speaker 1: to be in the house when I woke up, because
Speaker 1: I was a raging bitch, because it's easier to scream
Speaker 1: at them than to get your own life together. And
Speaker 1: I never thought at the age of forty one this
Speaker 1: would be my life. That I would be on the
Speaker 1: verge of losing everything, that I would be in the gutter,
Speaker 1: that I would feel like the world's worst mother, that
Speaker 1: I would not know how to pay for groceries, that
Speaker 1: I was scared of the cars getting repossessed, and UM,
Speaker 1: I made a decision in that moment. That's when I
Speaker 1: invented the five second rule. Um. The story is kind
Speaker 1: of crazy, but I basically one night was giving myself
Speaker 1: one of those pep talks that the two of you have,
Speaker 1: probably in this moment of your life, were giving you like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I gotta make a change. I got to do something different.
Speaker 1: I got like, this isn't working, but you don't know
Speaker 1: what to do. You're stuck. But I was saying to myself,
Speaker 1: I gotta get out of bed. I gotta get out
Speaker 1: of bed. And then I see this rocket launch across
Speaker 1: the television screen, and all of a sudden, I go,
Speaker 1: holy cow, that's the answer to getting out of bed.
Speaker 1: Because you know, Janna, you talk about crippling anxiety. That's
Speaker 1: why I wasn't getting out of bed. The alarm would ring.
Speaker 1: The first thing that I would feel was anxiety, and
Speaker 1: then the depression, and then it was like one of
Speaker 1: those weighted blankets of emotion, burying me alive in the bed,
Speaker 1: and I'd hit the snooze button. I didn't have the
Speaker 1: resolve of the confidence to get up and face my problem,
Speaker 1: so it was easier just to hit the snooze button.
Speaker 1: But I see this rocket launch and I go, WHOA,
Speaker 1: What if I launched myself out of bed so fast?
Speaker 1: Tomorrow morning? I moved before the anxiety kicks in. What
Speaker 1: if I'm out of bed before that weight of emotion
Speaker 1: and all of the fears trapped me there. And so
Speaker 1: the next morning I just counted when the alarm went
Speaker 1: off like a rocket, so stupid, five three two one,
Speaker 1: and I stood up. And that's the that's the five
Speaker 1: second roule. That's all that it is. You count backwards
Speaker 1: five three two one when you're doubting yourself, when you're procrastinating,
Speaker 1: when you have anxiety. It's the little push and it's
Speaker 1: actually a brain trick that it turns out to have
Speaker 1: a ton of science behind it that you can use
Speaker 1: to change any thinking pattern, any behavior pattern, any aspect
Speaker 1: of your life. And so how I used it to
Speaker 1: deal with the resentment that my husband had, the deal
Speaker 1: with the the resentment I had from my husband at
Speaker 1: that point, and how I continued to use it to
Speaker 1: change my marriage and to change where my life was
Speaker 1: at when I felt so stuck, is that any time
Speaker 1: there was something I needed to do, whether it was
Speaker 1: not snap at Chris, I'd go five four three to one,
Speaker 1: and just counting backwards switched gears in my brain, settled
Speaker 1: my body and allowed me to talk to him from
Speaker 1: a place of my values instead of snapping at him
Speaker 1: all the time. And five three two one, I'm picking
Speaker 1: up the phone, I'm looking for a job to one.
Speaker 1: If I'm feeling guilty, I say, this is not serving me.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to feel guilty, And I literally five
Speaker 1: seconds at a time. Decision by decision by decision changed
Speaker 1: the way I was thinking and changed what I was
Speaker 1: doing in the entire trajectory of my life changed. Chris
Speaker 1: started using it in the restaurant business. Five three two one.
Speaker 1: They're going back in to talk to their landlords five
Speaker 1: or three two one. They're laying people off five three
Speaker 1: two one. They're meeting with investors and having the embarrassing
Speaker 1: conversations about where things are going with their business, even
Speaker 1: though they want to tell a different story. And slowly
Speaker 1: but surely everything changes now. I ended up sharing the
Speaker 1: five second rule in a ted X talk. I don't
Speaker 1: know how long ago was like a ten years ago,
Speaker 1: eight years and whatever. It's got twenty million views now,
Speaker 1: and that's what led to my speaking career. People started
Speaker 1: right to me. That's what led to me writing a
Speaker 1: book about it, even though I'm dyslexic as hell. And
Speaker 1: that was a whole another story. But as my career
Speaker 1: took off, you two and Chris stepped away from the
Speaker 1: restaurant business and I became the primary breadwinner. There was
Speaker 1: this totally up dynamic in our relationship where I could
Speaker 1: tell he secretly resented me. And what we have unpacked
Speaker 1: in our marriage is that for men, the pressure to
Speaker 1: succeed the profession, the pressure to be professionally successful, the
Speaker 1: pressure to provide the professor, the pressure to make money,
Speaker 1: that is NonStop for dudes. And when you start to
Speaker 1: out earn them and they're the ones in the pickup
Speaker 1: line at school, or they're the ones that are watching
Speaker 1: you on television, or they're the ones that are being asked,
Speaker 1: oh wow, mel Mel is doing dynamond you know jan
Speaker 1: is killing it. You know, there's something that happens for
Speaker 1: their self confidence that they don't know how to resolve,
Speaker 1: and they secretly no longer see you as their partner.
Speaker 1: They see you as a person that's making them feel demasculated.
Speaker 1: And then when you come home because you've been working
Speaker 1: all day and there's freaking dishes in the sink and
Speaker 1: the laundry is piled up, and you're like, what are
Speaker 1: you even doing all day that makes it even worse,
Speaker 1: and so they start to spiral. And so that's the
Speaker 1: dynamic I'm talking about. And what we had to do
Speaker 1: in our marriage is talk about, Okay, we're fifteen years in,
Speaker 1: what are the roles we want to play in this
Speaker 1: next chapter. And as it turns out, this was the
Speaker 1: greatest gift on the planet for me and Chris, because
Speaker 1: Chris is the primary provider in our household for emotional stability, spirituality, love, consistency.
Speaker 1: He is a way better parent than I am, um,
Speaker 1: no question. And you know I used to be so
Speaker 1: piste off because my ambitions I was channeling it into him.
Speaker 1: And when looking back, every fight he and I ever
Speaker 1: had was me driving my ambitions at a guy that's
Speaker 1: not motivated by money. And the second I started making money,
Speaker 1: I learned something about myself. I'm ambitious as hell and
Speaker 1: I love that, and I love business and I love
Speaker 1: the game of making money, and I love making a difference,
Speaker 1: and I love building and that's amazing. And I am
Speaker 1: at my highest when I'm out there building something and
Speaker 1: making an impact. And Chris is at his highest purpose
Speaker 1: right now in his life when he is caring for
Speaker 1: our kids and caring for our community. And he had
Speaker 1: to do a lot of work to realize that that
Speaker 1: kind of providing is way more valuable and successful than
Speaker 1: any amount of money in a bank account. And that's
Speaker 1: the kind of work that you need to do in
Speaker 1: your marriage. If that resentment piece around your success versus
Speaker 1: his success, your role in business, business versus his opinion
Speaker 1: that you should be home more and he shouldn't be
Speaker 1: the one Like that's all that that's got to get
Speaker 1: worked out if there's resentment in your marriage. Now, I
Speaker 1: want to talk about the guilt that you feel having
Speaker 1: been a stay at home mom. The number one thing
Speaker 1: you could do for your children is to follow your dreams. Mhm.
Speaker 1: What is it that you want most for your children?
Speaker 1: Tell me just freedom? What does that mean? Really? Trying
Speaker 1: not to be emotional? Don't stop that what looks like
Speaker 1: hardcore freedom? I mean part of the reason I keep
Speaker 1: trying to build a brand on this side is mm hmm, sorry, guys,
Speaker 1: um is to like provide this idea to our daughter.
Speaker 1: Because I grew up with two working parents, so I've
Speaker 1: always just been an ass kicker. I mean I have
Speaker 1: had I've had so many jobs since I was like fourteen,
Speaker 1: cleaning out many refrigerators from my uncle's business at University
Speaker 1: of Michigan. I mean, let's talk about you know um
Speaker 1: and I just want her. Her name is Love. I
Speaker 1: want love to see what a strong woman looks like. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and who's going to show as as I crabb, Who's
Speaker 1: gonna show my running well? And so it's I've been
Speaker 1: building this like little bitty brand, you know. Okay, So
Speaker 1: first of all, you're doing what every woman does. You
Speaker 1: are diminishing your ambition, and you are diminishing what you're
Speaker 1: up to. Who am I I am doing? I launched
Speaker 1: my podcast this Saturday, which is pretty exciting for me.
Speaker 1: Congratulations things Now it's all good. It's just you know,
Speaker 1: like there's that guilt factory. Talk to me about the guilt.
Speaker 1: Why do you feel guilty? Because it feels distracting from
Speaker 1: them and I'm the primary parent. It has been gone
Speaker 1: so much. Okay, So it's me. We don't like have
Speaker 1: nannies or babysitters on the regular really, so okay. So
Speaker 1: you're at the point in this pursuit of building something
Speaker 1: that's your own where you need help. That's what's happened.
Speaker 1: And the guilt is coming from the fact that you
Speaker 1: don't feel deserving of having somebody come in to watch
Speaker 1: the kids. Well, you pursue this thing for you, Yeah,
Speaker 1: because right now it's not monetarily bringing in anything makes money? Right,
Speaker 1: But like what I'm doing, so what bringing in money?
Speaker 1: Really good point? But so what does it? Does it
Speaker 1: have to bring in money to make you happy? And
Speaker 1: just I love it. I mean I've had a blog.
Speaker 1: I had a blog for like twelve years and no
Speaker 1: one read it until Janna posted that I had written
Speaker 1: a piece on miscarriage and it just went crazy viral
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, like, my sweet little web
Speaker 1: nest finally is getting some attention. You know, I don't
Speaker 1: do it to make money, Honestly, I'm not. I'm not
Speaker 1: super motivated by money. I just always have had to
Speaker 1: make the money, like in the previous marriage and my
Speaker 1: whole life to provide for myself, and I didn't have
Speaker 1: a lot of help from parents or you know. So
Speaker 1: so here here's what I just here. You're ready, Okay,
Speaker 1: you're ready, A kind of salt water happening over You're good,
Speaker 1: get it out of there. So um here, let's strap
Speaker 1: on your seatbelt because here's the real issue. So the
Speaker 1: real issue is that you have a pattern of behavior
Speaker 1: and belief that no longer serves you. For anybody on
Speaker 1: the planet that feels stuck. If you're listening to us
Speaker 1: talk right now and you feel stuck, here's the good news.
Speaker 1: The good news is all that's happening is there's a
Speaker 1: pattern of behavior or a pattern of thinking that somebody
Speaker 1: else trained you in that comes from the past that
Speaker 1: you're repeating right now and it no longer works. And
Speaker 1: the pattern of behavior that you have is I got
Speaker 1: to do it on my own, nobody's here to help. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's really accurate. And so the simple way to change this,
Speaker 1: and it's a brand new skill that you need to
Speaker 1: develop for yourself, is you have to ask for specific help.
Speaker 1: That's it, because if you don't break this pattern, I
Speaker 1: can tell you what's going to happen. You're going to
Speaker 1: sit at home and have aspirations and continue to diminish
Speaker 1: your dreams, and you're going to continue to tell yourself
Speaker 1: a lie, which is you don't deserve help unless you
Speaker 1: can pay for it yourself. And then you're going to
Speaker 1: also secretly wish that your partner would notice and offer
Speaker 1: it up, and the resentment in your side, in you
Speaker 1: keeping this need silent, is going to build and build
Speaker 1: and build, because we women love to pretend that our
Speaker 1: partners can read our minds, and then we punish people
Speaker 1: when they can't. And so all you need to do
Speaker 1: this is a really simple thing to change, and it
Speaker 1: will change everything because you want love your daughter to
Speaker 1: know that she doesn't have to do everything on her own.
Speaker 1: You want your daughter to know that she can ask
Speaker 1: for help, and the only way she's going to learn
Speaker 1: how to do that is by watching her mom do
Speaker 1: the same. We were all raised by mothers who didn't
Speaker 1: ask for help, which is why none of us do it.
Speaker 1: You can break that pattern and that cycle by going
Speaker 1: to your husband with a very specific request. There are
Speaker 1: three days a week that I need five hours out
Speaker 1: of the house and what I want to do on
Speaker 1: those five hours are X, Y, and Z, and he
Speaker 1: is offering that too. You won't accept it, no, So
Speaker 1: I feel like I don't know where to send my
Speaker 1: copay to you for this session, but you really are
Speaker 1: so enlightening. You can send it to the universe because
Speaker 1: here's the thing, like I feel like all human beings
Speaker 1: can be explained by one simple concept. Our brains love
Speaker 1: to learn patterns. And so if you think that you're unworthy,
Speaker 1: if you think you're not good enough, if you think
Speaker 1: you're unlovable, if you feel guilt, if you procrastinate, those
Speaker 1: are just patterns and it's somebody else's bullet that they
Speaker 1: put in your mind a long time ago. And when
Speaker 1: you identify that they were thinking patterns or behavior patterns
Speaker 1: like the one you have, I don't ask for help.
Speaker 1: I gotta do it myself. When you identify a pattern,
Speaker 1: once you see it, you can change it. And so
Speaker 1: your husband's already offered to help. Come up with here's
Speaker 1: the here's the coaching, come up with a very specific um,
Speaker 1: ask about how you're going to structure your week, and
Speaker 1: then go to your husband say this is how it's
Speaker 1: gonna go, this is what I'm gonna do. And now
Speaker 1: you're in partnership around your dreams, yes, instead of you
Speaker 1: secretly building this big emotional distance. And then how old
Speaker 1: is love? For awesome? She's old enough to understand that
Speaker 1: mommy has things that mommy wants to do. And the
Speaker 1: way that you deal with your guilt is you know
Speaker 1: what you do you thank your kids. Love Today Mommy
Speaker 1: gets to go and work on her her podcast. I
Speaker 1: want to thank you so much for hanging out with
Speaker 1: so and so today because mommy, you know, is going
Speaker 1: to go get to do something mommy loves. And I
Speaker 1: love that you support me and then she feels a
Speaker 1: part of it. Yeah. I love that, and I love
Speaker 1: how yeah, and I love how you're saying, like schedule out,
Speaker 1: like what you want? You know, So you know what,
Speaker 1: five three to one, you got this, Kristen, You're my
Speaker 1: soul mate, all right, So, Kristen, I want to make
Speaker 1: sure this landed, So repeat, repeat back for me and
Speaker 1: everybody listening, Mel for president. God. No, I'm just kidding, um,
Speaker 1: you know what, because any functioning human being would be great,
Speaker 1: and I don't happen to be one, so that would
Speaker 1: be amazing. So I want you to, first of all,
Speaker 1: tell me the big takeaway, the big aha that you've
Speaker 1: got out of our conversation. I need to ask for help,
Speaker 1: and I've known us and I am not good at it,
Speaker 1: but I'm going to become better at it great, And
Speaker 1: asking for help is a skill, it is, and it's
Speaker 1: one you just need to develop. That's it. There's no
Speaker 1: two on angiogram. You know, if anybody follows that, I'm
Speaker 1: like a solid, gouty girl, but I don't do enough
Speaker 1: for myself and people want to help you, Like, it's
Speaker 1: it's actually very selfish not to ask for help. Now,
Speaker 1: how do you get unstuck in a like? How did
Speaker 1: you and Chris get unstuck in your marriage? It was
Speaker 1: not easy for Chris and I to go through the
Speaker 1: three or four years of turmoil where I hated him
Speaker 1: for being a failure and then where he hated me
Speaker 1: for being the one that was successful. Like it might
Speaker 1: as well have been an affair, because emotionally we were
Speaker 1: so devastating to one another and mean and just awful. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so how did you stop that behavior? How did you
Speaker 1: stop the resentment? Just the five four three three two one? Well,
Speaker 1: because that takes lots of practice. It's like it's like
Speaker 1: a hundred and seventy five times a day, is what
Speaker 1: you gotta You gotta use it um because you know
Speaker 1: your instincts are gonna want to kill somebody or use
Speaker 1: that tone of voice or cut them off at the knees.
Speaker 1: And so when the emotions rise up, you five you
Speaker 1: count five or three two one to yourself, and it
Speaker 1: gives you a moment of control to control what you
Speaker 1: do next. And for me, it would be tough to
Speaker 1: remember to do that because that's not the normal response, right,
Speaker 1: The normal response is to pop off, right, Yeah, And
Speaker 1: I think I think I struggle with that too in
Speaker 1: our relationship as well, Like when I am triggered, it's
Speaker 1: I want my I I don't take that minute to
Speaker 1: pause with five seconds five seconds because because then it's
Speaker 1: definitely like you're trying what you're trying. It's so hard
Speaker 1: to Can you count like five four three two? Yes,
Speaker 1: you can? And you don't even have to say it
Speaker 1: out loud. You can. You It is a moment where
Speaker 1: you're taking control. And what happens in your mind is
Speaker 1: when you're about to pop off, you're using the interior
Speaker 1: part of your brain where you're driven by automatic behavior,
Speaker 1: by emotion, by anger, by patterns. When you count backwards
Speaker 1: five four three two one, you interrupt those habit loops
Speaker 1: and you awaken your prefrontal cortex. That's the part of
Speaker 1: your brain that you're using when you're taking a test
Speaker 1: or learning new behavior, when you're acting with courage, when
Speaker 1: you're in control. And so it's a cheat code that
Speaker 1: gives you immediate control over the part of the brain
Speaker 1: that you need um in order to fix this situation.
Speaker 1: And so you know Kristen is going to need to
Speaker 1: do it three two one to ask for help and
Speaker 1: to break that pattern of beating herself up and feeling
Speaker 1: guilty and trying to do it all on her own.
Speaker 1: And by asking for help, you will improve your marriage
Speaker 1: because you are creating into intimacy and partnership and you're
Speaker 1: letting your partner in on your dreams and you're allowing
Speaker 1: your partner to do what your partner wants to do,
Speaker 1: which is to support you in a way that's really empowering. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and said for Leslie, and it's the biting our tongue
Speaker 1: when we're quick to Okay, I know you have to
Speaker 1: leave melt I could live here. Let me talk about
Speaker 1: biting your tongue. You're ready. Here's the thing about biting
Speaker 1: your tongue. Three to one your tongue. Now, it's never
Speaker 1: edit the content of what you need to say that's
Speaker 1: true for you and your values. Edit the tone. Oh,
Speaker 1: I like that. The hardest thing that I ever said
Speaker 1: to my husband was, I don't believe in you. Oh wow,
Speaker 1: I don't believe that you will ever be successful or
Speaker 1: be able to provide for this family. And it scares
Speaker 1: the hell out of me, and I'm freaking angry. I
Speaker 1: think I even said I should have married some guy
Speaker 1: in finance to really like dig it in there. And
Speaker 1: he turned to me and you know what he said
Speaker 1: it I know, oh, I know. It was the turning
Speaker 1: point in our marriage because it was the most honest
Speaker 1: thing I had ever said to him. And when you
Speaker 1: get to that level of honesty, that's when you can
Speaker 1: start to rebuild. Because we have a habit in our
Speaker 1: most important relationships of lying, of withholding, of acting out
Speaker 1: of anger instead of having the hard, truthful conversations. And
Speaker 1: for you, the hard truthful conversation is I thought I
Speaker 1: could do this. I want to try to do this.
Speaker 1: But these are the these are the ten commandments, and
Speaker 1: if they're broken, what's changed is I'm out. And we
Speaker 1: need to work together as we work on ourselves on
Speaker 1: how we are going to create that new reality. And
Speaker 1: that working together pieces super important because whether the relationship
Speaker 1: goes the distance or it doesn't, you have kids together.
Speaker 1: So you're gonna be together forever anyway, and so working
Speaker 1: on honesty and working on respect and communication, which is
Speaker 1: all driven by the courage to be honest. That's the
Speaker 1: foundation that you need to work on. You deserve to
Speaker 1: have somebody that is honest with you. You deserve to
Speaker 1: have somebody that respects you. You deserve to have somebody that,
Speaker 1: even though they might be struggling, still has the courage
Speaker 1: and the respect and the love for you to be
Speaker 1: honest with you the moment they start struggling. I'm I
Speaker 1: one thousand percent agree with you, and I just I
Speaker 1: appreciate all of your insight. I'm obsessed with you, and
Speaker 1: I just I cannot wait to come to you know,
Speaker 1: come to one of your speaking engagements and come to
Speaker 1: the talk second. Please. I would love to talk. I
Speaker 1: love that, I would love that. I would love to
Speaker 1: be a guest. I love you, Mel. I love you
Speaker 1: too so much for coming on the show. You means
Speaker 1: more to me than you know. Well. I'll come back
Speaker 1: any time you want. Thank you, Mel. You're welcome to Okay,
Speaker 1: bye bye, Hey, this is Mel. If you're in the
Speaker 1: Los Angeles area, you can watch my new daytime talk show,
Speaker 1: The Mel Robin Show every single weekday on k t
Speaker 1: l A at four pm, or if you're in the
Speaker 1: rest of the country, check your local listings at the
Speaker 1: melt Robin Show dot com. Obsessed with Mel I want
Speaker 1: to be a better person. I'm just every morning, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna go five three. Let's I gotta go buy your
Speaker 1: book right away? Amazon that stuff. Hey, I got an email,
Speaker 1: um to leave with us. It's from anonymous wedding parties.
Speaker 1: I recently got engaged and has been amazing. My fiance
Speaker 1: has a larger wedding party that he's thinking of asking
Speaker 1: to stand up with him eight um, and I can
Speaker 1: definitely think of that many wonderful and supportive women that
Speaker 1: are so close to my heart to stand up with me. However,
Speaker 1: I feel like I may be getting in my own
Speaker 1: head about it all. I don't want to hurt feelings.
Speaker 1: Where do you draw the line? How can I be
Speaker 1: sure these people will be in our life when we
Speaker 1: are fifty sixty, etcetera. Oh that's a big one, isn't Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean it's hard. I guess I don't understand. I
Speaker 1: don't understand the hang up? What is her hang up?
Speaker 1: Hang up? Planning went for you guys, like, that's a
Speaker 1: hard one. I don't want anyone's feeling. Why no, because
Speaker 1: for me it's like, you know, I didn't I had
Speaker 1: to kind of um stretched to get some more girls
Speaker 1: on my side. Mike Code could have had a lot
Speaker 1: more a football team, yeah, um. So for me, I
Speaker 1: I wanted to keep it like smaller. Um, but you
Speaker 1: know he wanted to have more, and so I I
Speaker 1: what I would think nowadays, I like what people do
Speaker 1: they have opposite numbers, yeah, and I think that's really cool.
Speaker 1: But looking back, just so you know, Anonymous, like, there
Speaker 1: is one person in my wedding party that I don't
Speaker 1: speak to anymore, that is has done some awful things
Speaker 1: to me, but it doesn't take away from the memory
Speaker 1: of that day. Other things take away from the memory
Speaker 1: of that day, but nothing takes away from the memory
Speaker 1: of that day. Um, because of that person in the photo.
Speaker 1: Do we know how old Anonymous is? Young? Yeah, because
Speaker 1: I do think younger. The only reason I say that
Speaker 1: is when so I have been married twice on my
Speaker 1: second final forever marriage, but the first time I have
Speaker 1: felt like a need to have a lot of people,
Speaker 1: and I was younger, and then the second time, I
Speaker 1: was like, yeah, good with you three, you know, or
Speaker 1: two and felt good about it. It's hard to I
Speaker 1: think when you're in an age where everybody else is
Speaker 1: getting married that if they put you in your wedding
Speaker 1: and their wedding, you kind of feel obligated a bit
Speaker 1: to put them in yours, even though you shouldn't. You know,
Speaker 1: there's there's a lot of layers there. I don't think
Speaker 1: the numbers have to be even, and I don't. I
Speaker 1: also don't think that the guy has to have every
Speaker 1: guy stand up for him. There are other things that
Speaker 1: you could have those guys do there equally as important, right,
Speaker 1: Like you could have ushers. I bet there's a lot
Speaker 1: of ushers that would disagree with you. A lot of
Speaker 1: Bible readers, Bible verse readers at weddings that are like, well,
Speaker 1: the person who read our Bible Verse is actually a dear, dear,
Speaker 1: very close friend who was just here. So so yeah,
Speaker 1: so I interesting about that I did something in their
Speaker 1: day that I shouldn't have done. I was a little
Speaker 1: angry with the message at church, okay, so I took
Speaker 1: it a bottom myself bro to d m R. Pastora,
Speaker 1: I kind of like this know this is this is
Speaker 1: where like in my note in my therapy, I don't
Speaker 1: really think before I say certain things. What did you
Speaker 1: send it immediately? Okay? Do you need the five second
Speaker 1: role for a different reasons, but for some you know,
Speaker 1: I just felt angry and I don't know if it's
Speaker 1: because I'm angry angry period, uh sure, or you know,
Speaker 1: And I've always had you know, God and I have
Speaker 1: had a um we're or having a We've always had
Speaker 1: a working relationship that makes sense and not a working relationship.
Speaker 1: We've had a like that we're betting heads right now.
Speaker 1: Well yes, but not. And I'm always going to believe,
Speaker 1: but I question a lot of things sometimes. And I
Speaker 1: so I remember just sitting in church and being like
Speaker 1: like I felt like I got he was healing everybody else.
Speaker 1: But then I walk away with while I'm I don't know,
Speaker 1: I just I just got angry. And so I wrote out,
Speaker 1: reached out to him um and he, you know, he
Speaker 1: responded back and was like really sorry that you feel
Speaker 1: this way, and I'm like, oh my god, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1: I'm so embarrassed, and I have to find a new
Speaker 1: church troll. Now, I was like, I am so sorry.
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm just angry, and I'm I thought
Speaker 1: that maybe I could just try to find clarity because
Speaker 1: they always say go to go to God, go to
Speaker 1: you know, I'm trying to find clarity, and you know,
Speaker 1: he's like, I'd love to sit down with you. Well,
Speaker 1: this goes back to the wedding party email because the
Speaker 1: pastor that married us also had indiscretions with his wife
Speaker 1: m and so how do I So it's like that
Speaker 1: was when I was really like trusting God and everything,
Speaker 1: and then I'm like, but then he lies to He
Speaker 1: didn't have to tell me anything like he had. He
Speaker 1: didn't have to say anything to us, like that's not
Speaker 1: But I confided in him when things went down in
Speaker 1: my relationship with Mike at the time, and he just
Speaker 1: sat there and I just remember being like why you know,
Speaker 1: of course because your marriage, you know, And again he
Speaker 1: doesn't have to say anything that I just so it's
Speaker 1: always just kind of like, oh, I'm just like scared
Speaker 1: to have that. I don't even know why I'm saying
Speaker 1: all this, but I just encourage you to not let
Speaker 1: the humans get in the way of your God relationship,
Speaker 1: because ultimately it's the human nous of those people like
Speaker 1: pastors and preachers and every you know, those people want
Speaker 1: to be an example of, and they've signed up for
Speaker 1: a really big job because I don't know that I
Speaker 1: could ever do that and try to live biblically like
Speaker 1: they do. They would come out of the woodwork. But
Speaker 1: it's the humanness of people gets in the way. So
Speaker 1: we can't idolize anyone here. We can only confide in
Speaker 1: and have a relationship with the one with a capital
Speaker 1: oh that we know is the constant. So were you
Speaker 1: mad at the pastor? Or were you mad at God?
Speaker 1: Can we know what the message was that really want? Like? God?
Speaker 1: That's okay too, Yeah, he can take it. I was
Speaker 1: more mad at like they were. He was talking about
Speaker 1: repenting and how people should you know, the people that
Speaker 1: um have hurt others and have these addictions or these
Speaker 1: character defects that they need to let go of, they
Speaker 1: can be healed, and then I'm like more hopeful for
Speaker 1: the addict. So they're hopeful for them for the but
Speaker 1: then not hopeful for the Well, then what do we
Speaker 1: do right the ones that continue to be hurt in
Speaker 1: led to what happens there? I don't know addictions. Not
Speaker 1: trying to play a victim, No, No, I'm just like
Speaker 1: in that moment, I was just feeling like there's so
Speaker 1: much grace for one side, and you're like, where's the
Speaker 1: grace for the other right? Where the strength? Really? Yeah,
Speaker 1: maybe that's next week, but well maybe after my d
Speaker 1: M it will be He's like, well, I gotta sharpen
Speaker 1: up something. I do think, like those hopeful messages, there's
Speaker 1: so much like grace that goes out to the people.
Speaker 1: We're all broken, So I don't know a way to
Speaker 1: frame it, but like I'll say, like in this case,
Speaker 1: the people that have the addiction, and then there's the
Speaker 1: people on the other side that are trying to support
Speaker 1: the people with the addiction that are going to church
Speaker 1: to be like Okay, I gotta like, you know, gear
Speaker 1: up and feel good. And and I do think when
Speaker 1: you're angry, that's the humanness part that I was talking about,
Speaker 1: Like when you're angry with with your people, it's hard.
Speaker 1: We don't have like we can try to extend God's grace,
Speaker 1: but I don't know that we really have the full
Speaker 1: ability to do what God has done for us. I
Speaker 1: mean gave us the son, you know, so I don't.
Speaker 1: I think we just kind of have to like know
Speaker 1: it's okay to be frustrated and know it's okay to
Speaker 1: just not be okay sometimes. I mean I've I've left feeling.
Speaker 1: I leave a lot of relationships in my life feeling.
Speaker 1: Just as you're saying right now, addiction is a beast.
Speaker 1: I'm just talking about addiction, no, but I mean like broken,
Speaker 1: So that's where it resonates with me. The addictions aren't
Speaker 1: the same, but like, so what do you do with it? Then?
Speaker 1: With everyone you know? Like, how do you? How do
Speaker 1: you leave then? Because and I think it's just And
Speaker 1: I said this to my to Catherine, who was on
Speaker 1: last week. I told her, I go, I don't know
Speaker 1: why it is every single time I'm in church, I
Speaker 1: want to cry, but I don't because I don't want
Speaker 1: to look weak. Oh cry it out. But it's like
Speaker 1: it's like I won't let him. And he's like, well,
Speaker 1: that's God trying to get into you. But I'm like,
Speaker 1: I I won't. I won't like do it, I won't
Speaker 1: like release anything. And like, and there was even a
Speaker 1: prayer group that like was in front of church and
Speaker 1: I wanted to go up there and like asked for
Speaker 1: some certain prayers. But I was embarrassed and I walked
Speaker 1: away and I ran and I just went and cry
Speaker 1: in the car. I actually did go this week to
Speaker 1: the front. You did, cried like a baby, went up
Speaker 1: and said one sentence and just cried and just let
Speaker 1: him pray over me. See, I find I just I
Speaker 1: don't know why I get uncomfortable. I'm not your style
Speaker 1: to know, but I want it to be. I just
Speaker 1: get uncomfortable. Like I'm so jealous of the people in
Speaker 1: church that have their hands up been praising me. I
Speaker 1: look at them and I'm like, I wish I could
Speaker 1: do that one time. No rip off the band aid
Speaker 1: one too, Like I like even saying it like makes
Speaker 1: me want to cry because I'm like I want to,
Speaker 1: but I'm afraid too, because then I'm like, well then
Speaker 1: if I give that, then I'm like, then it's you know,
Speaker 1: it's a little loss of control. Well, it's a loss
Speaker 1: of control. But also like, is he going to be
Speaker 1: there for me because everyone else hasn't been there? Who
Speaker 1: he the big guy? The big guys always there. But
Speaker 1: that's my thing. When it starts with like abandonment from
Speaker 1: early childhood wounds. You don't think that man is going
Speaker 1: to be there for you because that man wasn't. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but that was the human man. That's the human nous.
Speaker 1: Don't let the humans ruin your relationship with the one,
Speaker 1: the one real guy. You know, this just got real deep.
Speaker 1: I just encourage you, Like I used to not put
Speaker 1: my hands up, I used to not go to the
Speaker 1: front for prayer. But I also just got to a
Speaker 1: point where I was like, just get so defeated that
Speaker 1: you're like, what can it hurt? I guess is where
Speaker 1: I went to, like I'm only up from here. And
Speaker 1: last Sunday was one of those Sundays where I was
Speaker 1: like just a real hard Sunday. It was a hard
Speaker 1: fight with my husband. It was you know, I battle
Speaker 1: sometimes even with the church right now, with like the
Speaker 1: amount of violence that goes on in a church, Like
Speaker 1: I do want to go, but now do I feel safe?
Speaker 1: It's like there's we're all have so many layers, but
Speaker 1: I don't know, you just feel closer and better and
Speaker 1: cry and release and it's like I just even if
Speaker 1: the people that are standing next to you are there
Speaker 1: for the right reasons, they'd be the ones that would
Speaker 1: put a hand on your back or pray for you
Speaker 1: before they'd ever judge you. And if they're there for
Speaker 1: the wrong reasons, then that's their own demon to fight.
Speaker 1: You know what, if you just stay there and you
Speaker 1: don't say a word, you don't have to speak, you
Speaker 1: can just stayd there, you go with me, then then
Speaker 1: that's what you do. I don't think you have to
Speaker 1: say anything. I just you can just go up there
Speaker 1: and just be And they wouldn't know that too. It's
Speaker 1: just because I even noticed. I just I noticed that
Speaker 1: every time I'm in church, I just get so eyes
Speaker 1: well and I'm like no, no, And then to like
Speaker 1: someone you know, dm me and was like, I saw
Speaker 1: you at church, and I'm like, yeah, well that's the
Speaker 1: other yea. You know. So I'm like, well, I gotta
Speaker 1: you know, I can't even I don't know, but you
Speaker 1: but you can, I know. And I wonder too if
Speaker 1: it will become a point where you feel the pool
Speaker 1: so strongly. I had never cried in church, and I
Speaker 1: remember the exact sermon where I just let it out.
Speaker 1: I couldn't help it. It didn't hit anything on the
Speaker 1: way out, it just came out. It was like this person.
Speaker 1: This pastor was telling the story and it literally lined
Speaker 1: up so identical with my childhood that like, I had
Speaker 1: no choice and I just lost it. And I wonder
Speaker 1: if that will be what happened where you can't where
Speaker 1: your humanness doesn't get in the way. Yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: I would just I you know, I didn't grow up
Speaker 1: in a We went every Easter, every Christmas, I didn't,
Speaker 1: you know, And we started to go, Um, we didn't
Speaker 1: really go in l A. And we've made it a
Speaker 1: pack to go every Sunday. Um. But it's just it's
Speaker 1: a journey. Yeah, and I'm on it. It's interesting. But
Speaker 1: I'm gonna start volunteering to watch the kiddos for the
Speaker 1: first service. And then I thought about doing that too.
Speaker 1: I'm pumped about that, and then I get nervous about
Speaker 1: term good episode. Ladies, I love you, I love you,
Speaker 1: Jesus loves you, of God loves you. Let's you're a
Speaker 1: good friend. Don't talk about lunch tomorrow. I love you
Speaker 1: so much. You're a good friend. By next week. Bye bye,