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Speaker 1: Wind down with Jane and Michael Colin and her radio

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Speaker 1: podcast Hi Friends, Hi, um so in studio today, um

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Speaker 1: continuing on the Mom January, I've got Kristen Breast again,

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Speaker 1: who is on last week's podcast, so much fun last week.

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Speaker 1: And then we've got Leslie another one of my mom uh,

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Speaker 1: one of my mom besties, Mrs Leslie Crabtree the studio.

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Speaker 1: What's going on in everyone's life? Um, mom life. Love

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Speaker 1: is back in school, so that's full tricky. She just

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Speaker 1: turned four. She turned four on Sunday. Four was really hard.

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Speaker 1: What made it hard because Jolly is about to turn four,

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Speaker 1: so I need the prep. I'll probably cry. It just

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Speaker 1: seems big. It's like the last of the baby days. Look,

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Speaker 1: and I get choked up. Who is a big age?

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Speaker 1: I mean, I know, listen hashtag bless. She's healthy, she's great.

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Speaker 1: It's just it just seems so big. And she's so

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Speaker 1: like well spoken, and she just looks like a little

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Speaker 1: person now not so baby, you know, but she's a

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Speaker 1: little human. Yeah. So she turned four on January five,

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Speaker 1: and then she woke up January six and she was

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Speaker 1: like guess what, And I go what And she's like,

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Speaker 1: I'm five today. I was like, it doesn't quite work

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Speaker 1: like that, but bless your heart, well, Leslie, I mean,

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Speaker 1: how old are your kids? Oh god, I've got one

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Speaker 1: getting ready to turn sixteen, So talk about big. I

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Speaker 1: don't care how old I get. I'm slashing the tires

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Speaker 1: for you with please so that I can say that

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Speaker 1: I didn't do it. Yeah, and you can say that

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Speaker 1: with an honest heart because it was me. It's tough,

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Speaker 1: it's really, that's big. I don't care how old I get,

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Speaker 1: but my kids I still to this day can't see

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Speaker 1: them happy birthday without crying. And I get choked up

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Speaker 1: when I see them happy because you were there on

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Speaker 1: the O G birthday. That's right. So sixteen, so sixteen

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Speaker 1: and in thirteen, but sixteen is just that's rough. Hard,

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Speaker 1: it's rough, you know. When someone said to me it's

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Speaker 1: the beginning of letting go, I was like, oh, stop,

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Speaker 1: like stop, They're like, he's going to turn sixteen and

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Speaker 1: then in two years he's going to be in college.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, do you really want me to completely have

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Speaker 1: a breakdown? Because they like you? Yeah? Right, whosi do

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Speaker 1: you want here? Yeah? Say your friends and the beginning

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Speaker 1: of letting go happen when I when they cut the

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Speaker 1: cord for me, it really was a hard moment. I

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Speaker 1: was like, Okay, you're not inside me anymore. It's gonna

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Speaker 1: get rough from here on out. Well, it's true, I

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Speaker 1: feel like it's just sixteen age though, well, I feel

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Speaker 1: like every single age or I don't know if I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna yes, I'm going to be super sad at four,

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Speaker 1: but at the same time, I love who Joel is

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Speaker 1: coming into. I feel like I'm gonna have a hard

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Speaker 1: time around the twelve. Are you do a bad twelve

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Speaker 1: thirteen year old? Well, that's what my parents got divorced.

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Speaker 1: Mm hmmm, So the flood of emotion. Yeah, Well twelve

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Speaker 1: thirteen with girls is also like puberty. Well, I didn't

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Speaker 1: start my period until I was like fifteen, sixteen, sixteen

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Speaker 1: and a half stick together twelve twelve, well my sixth

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Speaker 1: grade year. So how are you in sixth grade year twelve? Right? Yeah? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And I feel like a lot, like I know a

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Speaker 1: lot of kids are starting pot or younger too, because

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Speaker 1: I think it's a lot of stuff. Obviously, I think

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Speaker 1: it's the foods and everything that we're eating, the hormones

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Speaker 1: that we don't disagree. Yes, but I mean I haven't

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Speaker 1: done the research, so I don't know. That's just my

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Speaker 1: own naive thinking. People pick up on hates milk. I

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Speaker 1: don't know, because my sixteen year old was a late bloomer,

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Speaker 1: but my now thirteen year old not. So I don't

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Speaker 1: and I don't know. Was the thirteen year old influenced

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Speaker 1: by the sixteen year old? Does that have any role

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Speaker 1: in how quickly they developed? That he has an older

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Speaker 1: brother and so maybe it moved him along because you

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Speaker 1: know how if you're with your friends for an extended

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Speaker 1: period of time, you can end up with your girlfriends.

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Speaker 1: You end up on the same cycle. Yeah, Jan and

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Speaker 1: I know because we have to talk each other off

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Speaker 1: the ledge about every third week. So does that play

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Speaker 1: a role? And why the thirteen year old is developing faster?

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I think so. I think it's a

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Speaker 1: second kid things because Jason, I mean, he's he walked

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Speaker 1: away faster than Jolie. He's already he already said his

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Speaker 1: first word, weighed faster than Jolie. He because he's watching her.

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Speaker 1: He's you know, just like and they want in on

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Speaker 1: the action. Yeah, they want to play. I mean it

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Speaker 1: is legend, legends like put me in coach. Yeah, he's

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Speaker 1: like on a kitchen table. What are you doing? Bro right?

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Speaker 1: I mean just words, all the words sixteen though. I

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Speaker 1: think it's gonna be hard because you're watching them drive.

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Speaker 1: I can't you, guys, I'm emotional today. I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I think it's just they seem big already. Is that it? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: And if I put her in a what else is

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Speaker 1: going on? Uh? Well, my husband's been on the USO tour,

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Speaker 1: so that's not helpful either. But he comes home today.

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Speaker 1: So it's been an emotional like I've had this empathetic

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Speaker 1: like how do soldier wives do this kind of week two?

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Speaker 1: Where I just don't know how because that so dangerous

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Speaker 1: and right now it's especially dangerous. Yeah, and he's like protected,

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Speaker 1: but he's also not trained. I hate to say it,

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Speaker 1: you know, like he's red neck trained. They handed out

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Speaker 1: rifles and there was a terrace with antlers on his head.

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Speaker 1: We could probably take them down fast, but I don't

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Speaker 1: know if he would make it otherwise. Anyways, No, I

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Speaker 1: do think like the thought of like her getting in

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Speaker 1: a car and going away, you know, it's so hard

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Speaker 1: to It's just hard to let go anyways, Well, then

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Speaker 1: you have to trust the other that's the thing, to

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Speaker 1: trust other drivers. Anyone else saying anything else, because it's

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Speaker 1: like that's where I'm like, just right here, staying my

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Speaker 1: little my, my little section of safety. I've been pretty

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Speaker 1: honest about the fact that I think legends never moving out,

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Speaker 1: and that I hate his wife and he's seventeen months.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, it's gonna be hard to let go. Have

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Speaker 1: any of the boys had girls yet, Like, what about girlfriends?

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Speaker 1: You have boys only I have two boys. Yeah, so

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Speaker 1: you're gonna have two women possibly unless one of them

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Speaker 1: end up. You know, I don't. I think we're safe there.

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Speaker 1: I think we're not. That not being safe is not

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Speaker 1: because we got to be real political, that's true. I

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Speaker 1: think that we know which which gender my children prefer.

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Speaker 1: But either way, you would be supportive. Absolutely absolutely. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Now as far as girlfriends, again, I told you my

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Speaker 1: sixteen year old is a late bloomer. The thirteen year

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Speaker 1: old so quick, funny story. We were in the car

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Speaker 1: the other day and I was asking the thirteen year

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Speaker 1: old on the way home from school. I said, so,

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Speaker 1: you know, buddy, anyone at school that you think is

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Speaker 1: cute because like, I need fair, fair heads up right,

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Speaker 1: because I like you, Kristen. I'm gonna hate whoever he did.

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Speaker 1: I don't even know your boys, and I hate these

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Speaker 1: girls that are with your boys. And if they if

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Speaker 1: they break this heart, careful, it's real hard for me

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Speaker 1: not to get involved in their lives. So we're on

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Speaker 1: the way home. Anyone cute, right, because I need four

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Speaker 1: warning and he's my kid that will tell me anything.

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Speaker 1: And he goes, no, not so much. And I said,

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Speaker 1: are you sure it was really nobody, because it's the

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Speaker 1: same girls as last year and last year there were

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Speaker 1: some girls that you thought were cute. He's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: they're just friends now. I said, okay, so really nobody

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Speaker 1: goes no, but I'm sure they're girls who have a

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Speaker 1: crush on me, all right. He goes, well, last year

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Speaker 1: there was like ten true wait, so tell me okay, wait, wait,

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Speaker 1: time out though, Sorry, that's hilarious. And Drew bees adorable

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Speaker 1: and he knows it, and he knows it. That's the problem.

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Speaker 1: I looked him, I said, Drew. He goes think I

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Speaker 1: married the adult version of Drew. He goes, well, you asked,

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Speaker 1: He goes well, you asked me, Mom, and I told you.

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Speaker 1: He was like, did you want me to lie? I

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Speaker 1: was like, no, but I'm glad to see you're not

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Speaker 1: short on confidence. Yeah, which is great. But here's here's

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Speaker 1: the flip side to that conversation. Let me just play

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Speaker 1: Devil's advocate. Oh boy, No, I'm just saying because you

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Speaker 1: guys say that you're going to hate the women, and

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Speaker 1: I have also said that. But here's the flip side

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Speaker 1: of that. What if the women are just like you, strong, confident, loving, caring,

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Speaker 1: why would you then hate them because they're going to

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Speaker 1: be good for your son? Hater? Then yeah, I come

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Speaker 1: at it from a little different angle. I would be

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Speaker 1: I would be happy for them, you know. I want

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Speaker 1: someone strong and and don't they say that you end

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Speaker 1: up marrying someone like your mom or someone like your dad.

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Speaker 1: So I would want them to be strong. But at

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Speaker 1: the same time, I'll still hate her a little bit,

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Speaker 1: you know, because because you again, I'm the o G right. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so now there's someone who who's coming into his life

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Speaker 1: and is going to take him away from me. But

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Speaker 1: at the same time I know that that's the way

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Speaker 1: it's supposed to be. Rip them out of my hand.

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Speaker 1: I mean she'd probably cut the umbilical cord and I

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Speaker 1: just didn't know it. But you know, I mean, I

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Speaker 1: want him in my life, so I'll have to cut

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Speaker 1: it out. It's hard. I think I have this theory

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Speaker 1: that boy moms are harder to work your way in

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Speaker 1: with that if they have one of each, Like I

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Speaker 1: don't fear for Jason's wife as much as I would

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Speaker 1: fear well, but at least we'll have each other so

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Speaker 1: I can talk you off the ledge and you can

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Speaker 1: talk me after it. To your point, With just boy moms,

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Speaker 1: I feel like, I mean, that is two women taking

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Speaker 1: your sons away, and you've always thinking I'm sorry. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I know we all feel like, but it's also like

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Speaker 1: you've always been the only woman, Like you're the queen

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Speaker 1: of the household, the only female. I don't I wonder

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Speaker 1: how it's probably not gonna go. Well, have you had?

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Speaker 1: I wanted to ask about the sex talk, but let

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Speaker 1: me know if we needed what sex talk? Like has

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Speaker 1: she had? They when you? Because I'm like, I feel

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Speaker 1: like it's happening early. You want to talk to a

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Speaker 1: four year old? No, No, but I know it's like

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Speaker 1: happening early and earlier for people and that kind of

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Speaker 1: stresses me out. Like my neighbors have a ten year

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Speaker 1: old little boy and they had to like kind of

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Speaker 1: have a like a topical conversation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, No,

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Speaker 1: absolutely we've had the conversation. Listen, I've had to have

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Speaker 1: I no, I've had to have conversations with my when

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Speaker 1: my fifteen year old soon to be sixteen year old

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Speaker 1: was thirteen that were not anything that I really wanted

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Speaker 1: to have, like about No, I don't know. I love

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Speaker 1: that it's under the breath. I don't know. I'll talk

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Speaker 1: to him about that, about about rape and like him

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Speaker 1: being raped. Oh there's there where there were headlines here,

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Speaker 1: yeah at a school. Um, I don't I don't know.

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Speaker 1: If it was alleged, I'll let's just say that alleged

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Speaker 1: that some stuff went down in the locker room, in

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Speaker 1: the boys locker room. And so I felt like, you know,

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Speaker 1: it was all over the place. The kids were talking

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Speaker 1: about it. So I felt like I had to sit

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Speaker 1: my kid down and say, listen, this is what happened.

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Speaker 1: It's not okay, but this this could happen to you too.

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Speaker 1: It's not just a girl thing. It could happen to

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Speaker 1: you too. And talk about uncomfortable conversation, and then we

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Speaker 1: had to have a conversation about oral sex, also very uncomfortable.

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Speaker 1: I need like like that. Look, I loved what I

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Speaker 1: was Wait are you eight grade? How are you asking question? Okay,

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Speaker 1: that's what I learned about an eighth grade A jill?

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Speaker 1: Where are you now? From your little status report? Little

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Speaker 1: check out? And I was like, what the good? I

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Speaker 1: like that actually as opposed to Jerry being over there,

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Speaker 1: that's like, can't talk right now about the hell when

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Speaker 1: like when do kids know about I guess I know

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Speaker 1: oral sex? When do they know about now? I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I don't know, I don't want to know. I'm getting

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Speaker 1: sweaty and I know about that. I just explain to

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Speaker 1: him what it was, and I said, let me tell

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Speaker 1: you something right now. It's a very intimate act. So

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Speaker 1: you better make sure that you really like the girl

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Speaker 1: who's but what about it was servicing you? That? Just

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Speaker 1: you know, it's it's like the same song pretty Woman

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Speaker 1: just went through my head. It's just what about sex though?

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Speaker 1: What about sex? Like? What about that conversation the birds

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Speaker 1: and the bees? I made Chris have that conversation? Enough?

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Speaker 1: Throw something over to the other side. I did. I

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Speaker 1: was like, in the car now with your kid, we're

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Speaker 1: going to the lake. We're driving separate cars, um taking

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Speaker 1: meaking drough you're taking Sean, and you're gonna have the conversation.

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Speaker 1: And if you haven't by the time we get to

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Speaker 1: the lake, I'm shoving you in a room and you're

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Speaker 1: having it until you know you're not coming out a conversation.

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Speaker 1: I wonder what like a dad would say, like just

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Speaker 1: use a condom, like what they say. I don't I

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Speaker 1: don't know what he said. I don't want to know.

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Speaker 1: I just when he came in, he just kind of

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Speaker 1: gave me the he walked to the door and gave

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Speaker 1: me the little nod. I was like, Okay, we're done.

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Speaker 1: Good and conversation and I had to have the other

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Speaker 1: awkward conversation with the papers rocks for that next time

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Speaker 1: and maybe get yourself out of the how would you

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Speaker 1: say it to ledge or love? Don't like this question?

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Speaker 1: So many years, I don't know, it's just probably going

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Speaker 1: to have to even come sooner for our kids. Well,

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Speaker 1: so here's what's probably gonna happen. First on I'll never

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Speaker 1: forget this. On Mother's Day when My oldest was like six.

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Speaker 1: He comes and he goes, Mommy, how did babies get

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Speaker 1: in your belly? I'm like, oh my god, this mother's

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Speaker 1: dame and you're six? Do we really have to talk

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Speaker 1: about this? And I remember I looked and I was like,

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Speaker 1: do you really want to know? He was like yeah.

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Speaker 1: I was like, are you sure you want to know?

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Speaker 1: Like I'm just trying to get out of it, he

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Speaker 1: was like, yeah, I really want to know. Like I

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Speaker 1: default and toss it up, I'm like, God, put him there?

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Speaker 1: What do you want for lunch? I would say, like

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Speaker 1: when mommy and daddy, when a mommy and a daddy

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Speaker 1: love each other, or like when a husband and wife

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Speaker 1: love each other. A baby appears. I don't even go there.

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Speaker 1: Would you say? I just said cows whales? It's like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: he's at school and they're like, do you know how

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Speaker 1: babies are? Maybe He's like, yeah, cows and whales. Put

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Speaker 1: him there, gets all turned around. It's like they just

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Speaker 1: they get in there, and they get in there is

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Speaker 1: one way of putting it, and they all have to

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Speaker 1: come out through this same tunnel. Man. Well, I'm I

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Speaker 1: hope you guys all enjoyed the first fifteen minutes of

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Speaker 1: sway educational. We're gonna take a quick ache, and then

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Speaker 1: I got some excitingness. Casper is a sleep brand that

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Speaker 1: on Jolie's Asper mattress is about um almost every other night,

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Speaker 1: and conditions apply. Okay, So I'm really excited because today's

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Speaker 1: episode we have Mel Robbins on the podcast. Today. She's

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Speaker 1: a motivational speaker, which I just I love motivational speakers.

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Speaker 1: I'm a big fan of like Rachel Hollis Um. But

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Speaker 1: Mel Robbins is actually one of the biggest all time

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Speaker 1: motivational speakers. And how she's been able to basically go

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Speaker 1: from nothing to you know, selling out big arenas and

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Speaker 1: she has that five second rule, which I'm really excited

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Speaker 1: to talk about, but I think a lot of it

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Speaker 1: is just that motivating. And I'm curious, like, for you girls,

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Speaker 1: what is one thing for you that like you want

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Speaker 1: to get motivated about? Like what is holding you back?

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Speaker 1: What's making you feel stuck? Is it their relationship is

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Speaker 1: at work? Is if your own thing? Like, what what

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Speaker 1: is it for you that just because I mean I

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Speaker 1: have I'll just say I'll start like when I'm in bed,

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Speaker 1: it's I have things that I want to do, but

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Speaker 1: I don't know how to like get there, and then

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Speaker 1: I doubt myself. I'm like, well, I can never happen.

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Speaker 1: I can't do that, or very similar so and then

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Speaker 1: I just sit in bed and then I then go

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Speaker 1: on Instagram and then obviously I've talked about this before,

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Speaker 1: but I'm just like, oh, let's see they're doing it,

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Speaker 1: and they're doing it, which is funny. Like from my

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Speaker 1: point of view, I feel like you're one of the

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Speaker 1: most motivated humans right now. Like you're a hustler. You

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Speaker 1: and my husband have the same business manager. Whenever I

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Speaker 1: talked to our business manager, he's always like refers to you.

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Speaker 1: He's just like she's hustler. Jana's hustler. And I do

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Speaker 1: feel like I doubt myself, so I would like to

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Speaker 1: hustle without the doubt. There's my thing, doubtless hustle, A

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Speaker 1: doubtless hustle. What about you lost? I think I need

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Speaker 1: to I want I'm stuck in figuring out what's next

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Speaker 1: for me. You know, as my kids get older and

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Speaker 1: require less of me and less day to day, and

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Speaker 1: pretty soon I'm gonna have a driver, so that means

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Speaker 1: I'm not even a taxi much anymore. You're not an uber.

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Speaker 1: So now I'm like, what what do I do next?

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Speaker 1: And with you know, with all that I've been through

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Speaker 1: in the last year, I want to do something with

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Speaker 1: that um and figure out But and like you, I'm like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I see you on Instagram, all these people doing what

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Speaker 1: I want to do, and I'm like, but how do

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Speaker 1: I get there? Because well, she was a she was

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Speaker 1: a TV reporter before she did that, so she's got

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Speaker 1: connection is that I don't have, you know, so I've

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Speaker 1: and so then I do nothing. M hm, So I don't.

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Speaker 1: I don't. I don't know. I think fear it really

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Speaker 1: is just what makes me just kind of paralyzes me.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I don't doubt that I could do

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Speaker 1: something someone else is already doing and do it differently

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Speaker 1: because I just really feel like we're a pretty christ

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Speaker 1: centered household. So for me, I'm just like, God, there's

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Speaker 1: a path and that's what you do, and anything that's

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Speaker 1: meant for you will always find you. That's kind of

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Speaker 1: like our go to slogan in our house, like what's

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Speaker 1: meant for you always find you? So but it is

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Speaker 1: I just have this I sometimes this is one thing

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Speaker 1: I actually one of the questions I wanted to ask Miles,

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Speaker 1: like how do you not let what other people say?

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Speaker 1: Because you can be as tough as you want to be,

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Speaker 1: But and you know, like Bernie will say, like the

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Speaker 1: famous quote when you're in the arena and you play

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Speaker 1: in the arena, and and I get all of that,

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Speaker 1: and like I get really hyped up, but then there's

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Speaker 1: like one really hard comment and that I just I'm

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Speaker 1: not made. I don't think to be in the spotlight.

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Speaker 1: So that's what's always kind of kept me from doing

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Speaker 1: what I've always wanted to do because I can't take

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Speaker 1: like I could never do what Janna does. Ever, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I agree with that. I just don't know how because

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Speaker 1: you're still human, right, and no matter how ridiculous the comment,

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Speaker 1: it would be hard for me to get past it.

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Speaker 1: And that would for me, it would be very unmotivating.

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Speaker 1: It would take all the wind out of my sales,

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Speaker 1: and I don't know that I would recover, probably just

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Speaker 1: bag it in. And I think because I know there

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Speaker 1: is a lot of stuff out there right now, you know,

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Speaker 1: I think, Um, I would say this. It's hard because

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Speaker 1: I've put myself in that situation too, have criticism, but

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Speaker 1: also too because we have been so open, like for example,

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Speaker 1: when I had mentioned the rule um last episode that

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Speaker 1: got slaughtered in the media because you know, it's like,

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Speaker 1: so you're saying someone can lie, and but I wasn't

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Speaker 1: you know what I was even saying. And that is

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Speaker 1: when someone has a character defect of lying all the time,

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Speaker 1: sometimes they just need a space to be like, oh crap,

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Speaker 1: that was a lot. I need to go back and

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Speaker 1: fix it so that they're not scared and they don't

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Speaker 1: hold on to and they don't justify. So that is

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Speaker 1: just something that works for us. But anything that I

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Speaker 1: ever say or do, it just it just becomes But

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Speaker 1: I've also put that out there to be criticized, right,

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Speaker 1: So that's something that I have to But I do

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Speaker 1: think on the scale of what you guys have put

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Speaker 1: out and how much you've helped, Like, I think you're

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Speaker 1: you're helping people. I mean, there was I know you

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Speaker 1: and Mike well, I mean we've done a lot of

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Speaker 1: life together, all of us, and I still listen to

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Speaker 1: some of those episodes and I like get choked up,

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Speaker 1: you know, because it's all there's just so much that

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Speaker 1: I can identify in my own marriage or my own life.

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Speaker 1: And so I think when you guys put out what

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00:20:56,200 --> 00:21:02,240
Speaker 1: you put out, you're helping people out weighs the people

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Speaker 1: that have an opinion no matter what, you know, there's

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Speaker 1: just always going to be that group. And I know that,

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Speaker 1: and I can say that to you, but if they

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Speaker 1: did that to me, I would just be like, really,

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Speaker 1: you know, it's something interesting. UM. I had a therapy

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Speaker 1: session a couple of weeks ago or no, this was

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Speaker 1: it was this week. It was like yesterday, um, from

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Speaker 1: Welcome ar it was yesterday, UM. And you know she's like,

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Speaker 1: we sit in this room and we talked. We're talking

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Speaker 1: about so many different things, whether it be my relationship

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Speaker 1: or or this person or that person. And she's like,

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Speaker 1: you don't you need to talk about you and in

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Speaker 1: your stuff and what you know, who you are. And

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Speaker 1: so she made me do this exercise I am me

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Speaker 1: and I had to like write out like I am this,

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Speaker 1: I am that, and it was so hard for me

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Speaker 1: to do because we don't ever focus on the positive

422
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:57,439
Speaker 1: stuff of our I was like, well, because everything I

423
00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:59,680
Speaker 1: was writing at first it was like negative, like I

424
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:01,680
Speaker 1: can quick to talk, I can be quick to be

425
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:06,679
Speaker 1: you know, um uh you know, say nasty things if

426
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:09,800
Speaker 1: I'm hurt and I and she's like, you we leave

427
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:13,760
Speaker 1: off the stuff that's actually like I'm kind and I'm

428
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:16,760
Speaker 1: good to those that you know, I trust the people,

429
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:20,280
Speaker 1: I give people chances. I you know I. So it's

430
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:23,600
Speaker 1: like we we we don't focus on the positive of ourselves.

431
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,960
Speaker 1: And that was like so telling. And she's like, would

432
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:27,560
Speaker 1: you like me to write down what I see in you?

433
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:29,480
Speaker 1: And then I was just like no, no, I know,

434
00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:31,840
Speaker 1: I got so uncomfortable. She's like, why are you so uncomfortable.

435
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:34,080
Speaker 1: I was like, because I don't believe it. And then

436
00:22:34,119 --> 00:22:36,199
Speaker 1: she's like, well that's a problem, Like it's just so

437
00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:38,879
Speaker 1: interesting that we just focus on the negative of ourselves

438
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:42,320
Speaker 1: and not the positives, which I think those negatives focusing

439
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:44,920
Speaker 1: on that as what was pulling us down. I also

440
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:48,360
Speaker 1: think I feel like it's easier to focus on the negative.

441
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:49,959
Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean. It's sort of like

442
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,240
Speaker 1: it's it's easier to focus on the negative and anything,

443
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:55,720
Speaker 1: you know, criticizing your husband or what you don't like

444
00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:58,960
Speaker 1: about you know, your house or your I just feel

445
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:02,919
Speaker 1: like that comes easier because I don't I don't know.

446
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:06,679
Speaker 1: I feel like when you pump yourself up, but we

447
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:09,920
Speaker 1: just have to because I'll have to. But yeah, because

448
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,560
Speaker 1: no one else is going too right. But I also

449
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:15,680
Speaker 1: I don't know what it feels very um, I don't know,

450
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:18,679
Speaker 1: I'm a great friend, feels like I know. I'm like,

451
00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:20,960
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna write that down. Yeah. I was like, well,

452
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:22,680
Speaker 1: what about the times that I haven't been a great friend?

453
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:26,639
Speaker 1: And she's just like, oh my god. I do like

454
00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:28,160
Speaker 1: if I say anything to Jane, I'm like, Jane, I'm

455
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:29,399
Speaker 1: really proud of your friend. I feel like you're doing

456
00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:30,760
Speaker 1: a really your job friend. I feel like a really

457
00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:33,080
Speaker 1: brave friend. Like she's like, yeah, okay, so where do

458
00:23:33,119 --> 00:23:34,359
Speaker 1: you want to go to lunch tomorrow, and I'm like,

459
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:36,600
Speaker 1: up there, go squatted away. We sqatted away. I do

460
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:39,600
Speaker 1: think being a mom, though, does start to change that

461
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,120
Speaker 1: a little bit, because I know the ways I talk

462
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:44,680
Speaker 1: about myself or the way I used to talk about

463
00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:48,480
Speaker 1: myself I've had to change because I love our daughter

464
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:52,040
Speaker 1: is like literally soaking in everything I say. So when

465
00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:54,760
Speaker 1: I have a hard time putting on my spanks because

466
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,359
Speaker 1: it's like my spanks lanes and I'm like it's been

467
00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:00,479
Speaker 1: a rough holiday season, I now say, wow, this is

468
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:03,120
Speaker 1: mama's healthy body. I'm having a hard time getting these

469
00:24:03,119 --> 00:24:05,560
Speaker 1: pants on instead of you know, whant you say? Like

470
00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:09,880
Speaker 1: I feel like a badass. You know, just the way

471
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,439
Speaker 1: I talk about myself is also the way she is

472
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:15,560
Speaker 1: going to learn what I think of myself and what

473
00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:18,920
Speaker 1: she should think about herself. And so that filter has

474
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:20,880
Speaker 1: been really good for me to kind of like put

475
00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:23,320
Speaker 1: it through her eyes because she thinks I'm like stunning.

476
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:28,639
Speaker 1: I mean she really she thinks I'm pretty. But and

477
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:33,320
Speaker 1: where do you want to go for lunch tomorrow? Well,

478
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:35,360
Speaker 1: I'm excited to talk to her. She's going to be

479
00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:37,240
Speaker 1: you know, she's going to be an awesome guest. To

480
00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:39,159
Speaker 1: have on the show to help us get out of

481
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:44,560
Speaker 1: our It's like for me that it's like a January funk.

482
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:49,760
Speaker 1: Does anyone else have that hype stuck in January? I

483
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:53,480
Speaker 1: love January. I was born in it, though, I do

484
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,280
Speaker 1: think it's like a funk though, because you everything, the

485
00:24:56,359 --> 00:24:58,640
Speaker 1: hype is over, you know, like the New Year's here

486
00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:01,480
Speaker 1: and they're us to be some like magic switch in

487
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:03,680
Speaker 1: your body or your brain where you just do everything

488
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:07,360
Speaker 1: so much better and different and like yolo, and it's

489
00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:11,119
Speaker 1: like that's not realistic. Really, Christmas is over, the decorations

490
00:25:11,119 --> 00:25:15,879
Speaker 1: are down, so Leslie, Yeah, I'm going to give you

491
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:20,080
Speaker 1: the floor for the mama's out there that or the ladies.

492
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:22,720
Speaker 1: You don't have to just be a mom um and

493
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:24,320
Speaker 1: you can be young, you can be old, you can

494
00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:27,000
Speaker 1: be in the middle. Yeah, you can be any forgers.

495
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:30,159
Speaker 1: So I don't I think we talked about this the

496
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:33,000
Speaker 1: last time we were together, Um about me finding out

497
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:37,000
Speaker 1: that I was brack of positive. Yeah. Yeah, So I

498
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:39,240
Speaker 1: found out that I'm brack of TUO positive, which means

499
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:41,679
Speaker 1: that that puts me in an increased risk for breast

500
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:45,920
Speaker 1: and a varying cancer. So one of the preventative measures

501
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:49,359
Speaker 1: to hopefully not get breast cancer, because that's what I'm

502
00:25:49,359 --> 00:25:51,600
Speaker 1: at greatest risk for, is to have your ovaries and

503
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:54,639
Speaker 1: Philippian tubes removed and then consider a double miss actonmy

504
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:58,119
Speaker 1: So I felt like ovaries and Philippian tubes were given,

505
00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:00,720
Speaker 1: I was done having kids, done with my family. But

506
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,080
Speaker 1: what it does is it throws you into instant menopause.

507
00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:05,159
Speaker 1: Like you wake up from surgery and bam, you're in

508
00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:08,640
Speaker 1: menou young and I am not of menopausal age yet.

509
00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:12,800
Speaker 1: Now was I headed that direction? Absolutely? What we all

510
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:21,800
Speaker 1: are Essentially, I'm yesterday. I'm closer than you guys. But um,

511
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:27,720
Speaker 1: with instant menopause comes all sorts of really not fun things. Um,

512
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:32,000
Speaker 1: you know, the hot flashes. So I woke up last

513
00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:39,160
Speaker 1: night d wrenched, like, change my shirt, pe the bed.

514
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:40,760
Speaker 1: I didn't pee the bed, but it felt that with

515
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:44,119
Speaker 1: pillow was wet, my shirt was wet, my sheets were wet.

516
00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:46,199
Speaker 1: I threw the sheets off, I changed my shirt, I

517
00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:48,720
Speaker 1: got back in bed because the sheets are still wet.

518
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:50,840
Speaker 1: Now I'm cold, and then I'm hot again, and then

519
00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:53,720
Speaker 1: I'm cold. But I used, you know, I had your

520
00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:55,840
Speaker 1: train of thought. I was like, okay, hot flash. I

521
00:26:55,880 --> 00:27:00,280
Speaker 1: burned extra caloriexactly trying to go off. But what I

522
00:27:00,359 --> 00:27:04,439
Speaker 1: learned today was my breast surgeon wanted to check my

523
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:08,600
Speaker 1: estrogen level to see how far off the cliff I've fallen.

524
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:11,480
Speaker 1: And let's just say that I'm fully on the floor.

525
00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:14,399
Speaker 1: But like, have you been because you haven't had the

526
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:17,040
Speaker 1: mood swings? Have you? You would have to ask Chris.

527
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:21,520
Speaker 1: I don't know, but I mean, has it been? There?

528
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:24,080
Speaker 1: Definitely were a little you were really afraid of that

529
00:27:24,119 --> 00:27:27,040
Speaker 1: part right well that and honestly, Chris would not appreciate

530
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:30,160
Speaker 1: me talking about this, but obviously, but I'm going to anyway.

531
00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:34,520
Speaker 1: So but your muffs gris the way we go. Um,

532
00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:37,439
Speaker 1: but our sex life, like, one of the things that

533
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:42,040
Speaker 1: happens in menopause is dryness, and it's it's a real thing.

534
00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:44,119
Speaker 1: Like to the point where I looked him the other day,

535
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:46,200
Speaker 1: I was like, your penis may as well be made

536
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:48,119
Speaker 1: of tiny shards of glass, because that is exactly what

537
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:53,600
Speaker 1: it feels like, Chris. There is medicine apparently for that.

538
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:56,240
Speaker 1: There is, which is why I had my estrogen check.

539
00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:00,640
Speaker 1: He can put me on estrogen as a low dose

540
00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:02,879
Speaker 1: estrogen to just kind of get me over the hump

541
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:06,520
Speaker 1: and to help with and get you hump and to

542
00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:10,320
Speaker 1: help with things. And so he wanted to see how far,

543
00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:14,199
Speaker 1: how how low with my estrogen before he put me

544
00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:16,960
Speaker 1: on the estrogen. Um. So the good news is is

545
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:18,919
Speaker 1: even if even if he puts me on the estrogen,

546
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:22,160
Speaker 1: it doesn't undo what was done by removing my ovrace,

547
00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:25,520
Speaker 1: but it will hopefully get me over the hump. But yeah,

548
00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:27,080
Speaker 1: some days I don't know if I'm coming or going.

549
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:29,399
Speaker 1: I don't know which end is up. For the women

550
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:32,560
Speaker 1: that are you know, Bracco, or wanna find out if

551
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:35,320
Speaker 1: they are, what is your best advice for them? Is it?

552
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:37,440
Speaker 1: Because I mean, obviously you made the decision and you're

553
00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:40,280
Speaker 1: making the decision to get your breast removed this year. Yeah,

554
00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:44,080
Speaker 1: so I'll have the double mostecto me this summer. UM.

555
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,840
Speaker 1: If you are worried about being brack of positive, you

556
00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:49,120
Speaker 1: can you can take a test. You can take a

557
00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:52,520
Speaker 1: genetic test. I mine was done by my gnecologist. But

558
00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:55,760
Speaker 1: because your mother had because my mother had ovaryan cancer.

559
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:58,040
Speaker 1: I lost my m to a varying cancer. She's the

560
00:28:58,080 --> 00:28:59,560
Speaker 1: only one in my family that we did not have

561
00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:01,680
Speaker 1: a deep story of a variant a breast cancer. So

562
00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:05,160
Speaker 1: when I took the test, I was a giant apple

563
00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:06,960
Speaker 1: and was like, yeah, take the test. It's going to

564
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:08,800
Speaker 1: be negative. I'm not even worried about it. So when

565
00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:12,920
Speaker 1: it came back positive, I was stunned. Yeah, that's overwhelming.

566
00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:15,720
Speaker 1: It's really overwhelming because I never even worried about it,

567
00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:18,000
Speaker 1: not even for a second. Even after the test was done,

568
00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:20,800
Speaker 1: I wasn't even worried about getting the results back to

569
00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:22,640
Speaker 1: the point where when my doctor called me and said

570
00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:25,280
Speaker 1: you're positive, I was like positive for what I was,

571
00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:27,040
Speaker 1: I was such an all I thought it was going

572
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:30,120
Speaker 1: to be nothing. But you can take a genetic test.

573
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:32,200
Speaker 1: From what I understand, you can do the I think

574
00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:35,320
Speaker 1: twenty three and me has a box that you can

575
00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:37,000
Speaker 1: check when you send your sample and as to whether

576
00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:39,520
Speaker 1: or not you want to be tested for brecca. So

577
00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:41,040
Speaker 1: that's the way you can do it. They're all kinds

578
00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:44,680
Speaker 1: of ways, kind of dad or a relative. You can

579
00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:47,440
Speaker 1: find out that my dad, by the way, keeps he's

580
00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:49,000
Speaker 1: like it's your dad, and I'm like, Dad, please go

581
00:29:49,040 --> 00:29:50,800
Speaker 1: about twenty three and me like I get it here.

582
00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:55,920
Speaker 1: My dad like we're cool. Yeah, So you can do

583
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,280
Speaker 1: it that way, but I would just be I would

584
00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:01,240
Speaker 1: caution anyone don't just go Willie nearly do it because

585
00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:04,040
Speaker 1: you can't unsee those results. So just know that you're

586
00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:06,400
Speaker 1: ready to hear whatever comes back, because it might not

587
00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:09,080
Speaker 1: be Bracca. It might come back and say, hey, you

588
00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:11,360
Speaker 1: are at risk for rectal cancer. Wait, you can't live

589
00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:14,360
Speaker 1: without your recton, So you gotta know. You gotta know

590
00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:17,800
Speaker 1: that you're ready to hear. I don't know if you

591
00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:21,160
Speaker 1: were comfortable saying this though, but how old are you?

592
00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:25,280
Speaker 1: Because you look so young to me. I am forty seven. Wow, yeah,

593
00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:30,640
Speaker 1: looking good, thank you, And I have guessed. Yeah, I'm

594
00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:34,880
Speaker 1: still young. It's still young, and I still wasn't in menopause. Um,

595
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,360
Speaker 1: what's the average age we and my mom was thirty

596
00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:41,720
Speaker 1: four when she went through menopause. Yeah, that is really

597
00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:44,400
Speaker 1: the average age is fifty two. Okay, I thought I

598
00:30:44,480 --> 00:30:46,520
Speaker 1: thought it was closer to fifty, but I couldn't remember.

599
00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:49,600
Speaker 1: That's the average age. Yeah, so I was definitely headed

600
00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:52,400
Speaker 1: that direction. I'm terrified a menopause because my anxiety is

601
00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:55,120
Speaker 1: already through the roof. My emotions already like I'm gonna

602
00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:56,800
Speaker 1: be there to hold you, It's gonna be great, We're

603
00:30:56,800 --> 00:30:58,920
Speaker 1: gonna get through it. We get through it all, Yeah,

604
00:30:59,120 --> 00:31:01,120
Speaker 1: we sure are. And every twenty one days I'll remind

605
00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:03,000
Speaker 1: you until you get to menopause, and then I'll remind

606
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:06,600
Speaker 1: you every four months. It's gonna be awesome. I'll love you.

607
00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:21,320
Speaker 1: Let's take a break. Okay, I how do I say?

608
00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:23,480
Speaker 1: It's not being mean? I've I was gonna say, I've

609
00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:25,360
Speaker 1: never been more excited to have this guest in studio.

610
00:31:25,400 --> 00:31:28,040
Speaker 1: But I am so so freaking excited to have Mel

611
00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:35,560
Speaker 1: Robbins in studio. Wow, never been more excited. You have

612
00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:38,440
Speaker 1: very low standards, you know. I just I was there

613
00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:43,560
Speaker 1: guest before. No, I just have so much to ask you.

614
00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:47,120
Speaker 1: I just feel so stuck and I just need your help.

615
00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:51,080
Speaker 1: I cry, No, but I just will. First of all,

616
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:55,160
Speaker 1: Mel Robbins, isn't like you're the biggest freaking motivational speaker

617
00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:59,040
Speaker 1: out there. You've completely changed your life, and I feel

618
00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:01,680
Speaker 1: like for me and maybe some other listeners out there

619
00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:04,880
Speaker 1: who scroll on Instagram and see that, and it's like, oh,

620
00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:07,720
Speaker 1: it's that tinge of not jealousy, But I like, how

621
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:09,560
Speaker 1: do I how do I do that? How do I

622
00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:11,920
Speaker 1: how do I get unstuck? And I know you have

623
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:15,040
Speaker 1: your five second Rule Book, which is you know it was.

624
00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:16,840
Speaker 1: It was the name the number one audiobook in the

625
00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:18,640
Speaker 1: world and the fifth most read book of the year

626
00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:24,960
Speaker 1: on Amazon. So that's incredible. Um, but how do I start, Well,

627
00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:29,960
Speaker 1: it started at the beginning, where are you stuck? Well,

628
00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:32,680
Speaker 1: I don't know how honest, I don't really like, Well,

629
00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:34,400
Speaker 1: I'm gonna warn you right now. You don't know if

630
00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:36,880
Speaker 1: you want me to come back or well, I'm gonna

631
00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:43,320
Speaker 1: warn you right now that, um, there's no halfway with me,

632
00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:47,640
Speaker 1: and that I believe that everything happens for a reason,

633
00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:52,240
Speaker 1: and that there's a reason why you're talking to me today,

634
00:32:53,320 --> 00:32:57,440
Speaker 1: and that it's gonna come out in terms of whether

635
00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:00,160
Speaker 1: or not you want to just start talking about how

636
00:33:00,160 --> 00:33:02,400
Speaker 1: you're stuck or whether or not I drag it out

637
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:06,320
Speaker 1: of you, because either way, either way it's coming out,

638
00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:08,240
Speaker 1: because that's well, that's the only way that I rolled.

639
00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:10,080
Speaker 1: Because I think that we talk about the things that

640
00:33:10,120 --> 00:33:13,640
Speaker 1: we're comfortable talking about, and that means that we don't

641
00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:15,560
Speaker 1: talk about the things that we need to talk about

642
00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:18,320
Speaker 1: that are uncomfortable. And one of the things that you

643
00:33:18,360 --> 00:33:21,360
Speaker 1: said that already jumped out at me is that you

644
00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:24,760
Speaker 1: use the word jealousy and you used it in terms

645
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:29,840
Speaker 1: of scrolling through social media, and you know, maybe you

646
00:33:29,960 --> 00:33:32,600
Speaker 1: land on one of the videos that we put out

647
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:35,480
Speaker 1: every single day to the millions of our followers, and

648
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:39,920
Speaker 1: what strikes you is, well, here's a woman who eleven

649
00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:43,720
Speaker 1: years ago was at rocking bottom, drinking too much, marriage

650
00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:47,200
Speaker 1: and crisis, eight thousand dollars in dead, three kids, the

651
00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:51,960
Speaker 1: definition of stuck, the definition of self loathing, and somehow

652
00:33:52,080 --> 00:33:55,840
Speaker 1: she pulled her together and she changed her life, and

653
00:33:55,840 --> 00:33:59,000
Speaker 1: now she is helping other people do that, and I'm

654
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:04,200
Speaker 1: jealous of the fact that she did that. Jealousy is

655
00:34:04,240 --> 00:34:09,360
Speaker 1: a really interesting thing because it's very powerful. There is

656
00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:14,560
Speaker 1: the jealousy that is destructive, that is the negative jealousy

657
00:34:14,600 --> 00:34:18,200
Speaker 1: when you look at what somebody has and you're envious

658
00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:21,680
Speaker 1: and you believe they don't deserve it. But then there's

659
00:34:21,719 --> 00:34:25,040
Speaker 1: the jealousy that I think is really positive, that's tied

660
00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:32,000
Speaker 1: into your intuition and your intelligence, and jealousy that's positive

661
00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:35,839
Speaker 1: shows up as a huge like ding ding ding ding

662
00:34:35,920 --> 00:34:41,480
Speaker 1: ding signal from your soul that there's something in that

663
00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:44,280
Speaker 1: thing that you're seeing that the other person is doing

664
00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:50,279
Speaker 1: that's calling you forward. And so your jealousy of the

665
00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:54,160
Speaker 1: fact that I hit this moment and somehow figured out

666
00:34:54,239 --> 00:34:57,480
Speaker 1: how to get unstuck. That means that your soul is

667
00:34:57,520 --> 00:35:03,360
Speaker 1: trying to tell you, I feel so stuck and I

668
00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:09,120
Speaker 1: need you two make a decision to change your life.

669
00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:11,640
Speaker 1: That's what is at the heart of the jealousy comment

670
00:35:11,680 --> 00:35:16,879
Speaker 1: that you just said. And it's a very positive thing. Wow, yeah,

671
00:35:17,040 --> 00:35:20,040
Speaker 1: I mean and and I do like because I am

672
00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:23,799
Speaker 1: a I I hustle, like I really do hustle, and

673
00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:26,359
Speaker 1: I you know, because I provide for my family and

674
00:35:26,440 --> 00:35:30,719
Speaker 1: my kids and um, you know, and and a lot

675
00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:32,080
Speaker 1: of times when I do look at that, it's like

676
00:35:32,320 --> 00:35:34,440
Speaker 1: I want to be able to you know, which is

677
00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:36,560
Speaker 1: why I like I had we have this podcast, and

678
00:35:37,040 --> 00:35:39,520
Speaker 1: I'm trying to help others and trying to you know,

679
00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:44,680
Speaker 1: use my experiences to um guide others and help others

680
00:35:44,719 --> 00:35:47,120
Speaker 1: that what what I've been through. But also when you

681
00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:51,160
Speaker 1: get stuck in your own it's like how you know,

682
00:35:51,239 --> 00:35:53,920
Speaker 1: the for example, like you said you had crippling anxiety,

683
00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:56,080
Speaker 1: Like sometimes I feel like my anxiety takes over so

684
00:35:56,160 --> 00:35:57,719
Speaker 1: much of my life and the things that I want

685
00:35:57,760 --> 00:35:59,680
Speaker 1: to do in my life because I'm too afraid to

686
00:35:59,760 --> 00:36:04,520
Speaker 1: go and enjoy I'm too afraid to go to um

687
00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:07,840
Speaker 1: fly a couple hours away to enjoy myself with some

688
00:36:07,920 --> 00:36:09,759
Speaker 1: friends because I'm too afraid of X, Y and Z

689
00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:11,279
Speaker 1: or my kids or or I'm going to have an

690
00:36:11,280 --> 00:36:13,279
Speaker 1: anxiety attack and I and what if I pass out?

691
00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:15,840
Speaker 1: And it's like, I live my life so fear based

692
00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:19,200
Speaker 1: that it's holding me back from so many things that

693
00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:23,800
Speaker 1: I could be enjoying or I could be growing. Yes, okay,

694
00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:26,680
Speaker 1: so a couple of things. Let's go deep. You just

695
00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:29,840
Speaker 1: said that you provide for your kids. So are you

696
00:36:29,960 --> 00:36:34,799
Speaker 1: the primary breadwinner in your marriage? Yes? Welcome to the

697
00:36:34,840 --> 00:36:38,360
Speaker 1: new reality. Were the women who work are the primary

698
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:42,200
Speaker 1: breadwinners of their household? And welcome to something that I

699
00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:47,040
Speaker 1: call breadwinner resentment rage. And what that is is it's

700
00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:52,719
Speaker 1: a dynamic that's that's happening in primarily heterosexual relationships. It

701
00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:57,200
Speaker 1: happened in my relationship. When you start out earning your partner,

702
00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:02,239
Speaker 1: there is this whole up passive aggressive thing that happens

703
00:37:02,760 --> 00:37:04,879
Speaker 1: because and I'm not saying that this is what's going

704
00:37:04,880 --> 00:37:06,960
Speaker 1: on in your marriage. I know nothing about your marriage.

705
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:08,840
Speaker 1: I'm saying this is what happened in my marriage, and

706
00:37:08,840 --> 00:37:11,319
Speaker 1: this is what happens for almost every single woman that

707
00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:14,480
Speaker 1: then hits that moment where you become the provider. When

708
00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:17,920
Speaker 1: it comes to you earning more money, there is a

709
00:37:18,040 --> 00:37:25,560
Speaker 1: direct attack psychologically that your partner undergoes because just like women,

710
00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:28,560
Speaker 1: this is so dupp that it's this way. But forever

711
00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:31,960
Speaker 1: women have been told to be good girls and to

712
00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:35,160
Speaker 1: look good, and you know, we're so hard on ourselves

713
00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:40,120
Speaker 1: and on our bodies because society is prioritized youth, being thin,

714
00:37:40,719 --> 00:37:44,200
Speaker 1: looking good when it comes to being a woman. For dudes,

715
00:37:44,360 --> 00:37:47,640
Speaker 1: it's about being successful in providing. And so the second

716
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:51,160
Speaker 1: that you're in a relationship, were now, according to culture,

717
00:37:51,840 --> 00:37:55,920
Speaker 1: you're the one that's providing for the family, your husband,

718
00:37:56,040 --> 00:37:59,560
Speaker 1: your partner. This happened in my relationship too when I

719
00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:03,000
Speaker 1: started out earning my husband. They go through an identity

720
00:38:03,080 --> 00:38:06,680
Speaker 1: crisis where they're saying that they're proud of you, but

721
00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:12,440
Speaker 1: they actually resent you because they don't feel successful anymore

722
00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:16,400
Speaker 1: and they don't feel, uh, you know, like they're the

723
00:38:16,440 --> 00:38:20,359
Speaker 1: ones that's providing, and it ty and it creates tremendous

724
00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:25,080
Speaker 1: turmoil in your relationship. I would echo this is kristin

725
00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:31,560
Speaker 1: himel amazing um I am on my second marriage, Um,

726
00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:34,279
Speaker 1: I would say, I would echo, that's completely accurate because

727
00:38:34,280 --> 00:38:36,360
Speaker 1: in my first marriage I felt like I raised him

728
00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:38,360
Speaker 1: a bit. And that's not a slam. It's just like

729
00:38:38,400 --> 00:38:40,080
Speaker 1: I'm a go get her, I'm a hard worker and

730
00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:44,000
Speaker 1: I just handled and he was hanging on, you know.

731
00:38:44,680 --> 00:38:48,399
Speaker 1: And the resentment, I'm like, dude, do something, you know

732
00:38:48,600 --> 00:38:52,880
Speaker 1: anything spinning a circle, put the dishes away. It is

733
00:38:53,080 --> 00:38:55,520
Speaker 1: It's a really there's a lot of resentment there. I've

734
00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:57,439
Speaker 1: never heard it phrase the way you did, and it's

735
00:38:57,480 --> 00:39:00,600
Speaker 1: so well put because that's a real thing. And I

736
00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:02,960
Speaker 1: think especially in the industry that Janna and I are

737
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:06,560
Speaker 1: in my husband's and country music, my forever husband, if

738
00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:09,480
Speaker 1: you will, UM is in country music, and he is

739
00:39:09,520 --> 00:39:13,440
Speaker 1: now he is the breadwinner. And and there's something in

740
00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:15,640
Speaker 1: in my brain that's having a hard time accepting that,

741
00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:17,480
Speaker 1: you know. And I'm gonna stay at home mom now

742
00:39:17,520 --> 00:39:19,759
Speaker 1: with a degree and a kick gas resume and a

743
00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:22,520
Speaker 1: career that I hug up, hung up, and and so

744
00:39:22,560 --> 00:39:24,080
Speaker 1: now I'm going how do I get back in? And

745
00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:26,160
Speaker 1: when you said stuck, it like instantly brought tears my

746
00:39:26,200 --> 00:39:34,120
Speaker 1: eyes from why my crain because it's that stuck feeling

747
00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:36,239
Speaker 1: like what do what do you do? Now? You know

748
00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:39,840
Speaker 1: I have this, I gotta lock my ship up, mel Um.

749
00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:43,800
Speaker 1: Now you don't like locking it up is not working? Yeah,

750
00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:46,359
Speaker 1: I know. It's just like you're saying, oh, mom for

751
00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:51,440
Speaker 1: four years, but there's so much more, so much more so,

752
00:39:51,520 --> 00:39:53,720
Speaker 1: here's the thing And then there's some sort of guilt's

753
00:39:53,920 --> 00:39:56,839
Speaker 1: associated with that too, is if being a mother isn't

754
00:39:56,960 --> 00:39:59,360
Speaker 1: enough because I'm obsessed with these human beings, probably to

755
00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:02,719
Speaker 1: like a really creepy degree that I've am raising, you know,

756
00:40:04,520 --> 00:40:08,120
Speaker 1: So let me reframe this for you. You're ready, Yeah,

757
00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:11,000
Speaker 1: you're not. Said you're here for a reason. Today, I

758
00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:13,480
Speaker 1: like instantly had tears and I was like, I'm probably

759
00:40:13,480 --> 00:40:18,120
Speaker 1: gonna cry. Well, I'm here for a reason because where

760
00:40:18,120 --> 00:40:20,480
Speaker 1: you're at in terms of the way that you're thinking

761
00:40:20,480 --> 00:40:23,319
Speaker 1: about things, is causing you a lot of emotional pain.

762
00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:26,000
Speaker 1: And it doesn't have to be that way. What you're

763
00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:29,720
Speaker 1: feeling is what every single woman on the planet feels,

764
00:40:30,480 --> 00:40:38,399
Speaker 1: which is the real conflict between caretaking and ambition and

765
00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:45,359
Speaker 1: being ambitious somehow having the ambition being conflict with your

766
00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:49,319
Speaker 1: role as a mother and as a wife. And what

767
00:40:49,360 --> 00:40:51,880
Speaker 1: I want you to know is that you're not stuck.

768
00:40:52,400 --> 00:40:56,880
Speaker 1: What's happening is that you're really present to your ambition.

769
00:40:57,320 --> 00:41:01,719
Speaker 1: That's it, and there's nothing wrong. And you had the

770
00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:04,600
Speaker 1: greatest gift on the planet, which is you've been able

771
00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:09,160
Speaker 1: to stay home with your kids. That's incredible. And now

772
00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:12,239
Speaker 1: what you need to know is that it's time to

773
00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:15,799
Speaker 1: listen to that ambition. You're not stuck at all. And

774
00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:17,600
Speaker 1: here's something else I want to tell you, because I

775
00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:19,560
Speaker 1: I've been married. Jeez, I don't even want what year

776
00:41:19,719 --> 00:41:24,640
Speaker 1: in twenty four years? Yep, So I've been married twenty

777
00:41:24,640 --> 00:41:27,560
Speaker 1: four years. And I'll go back to the breadman winner

778
00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:30,600
Speaker 1: resentment rage and talk to you about like what Chris

779
00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:33,120
Speaker 1: and I worked through, because what happened in my marriage

780
00:41:33,160 --> 00:41:36,080
Speaker 1: is when we were about fifteen years and probably like

781
00:41:36,239 --> 00:41:39,600
Speaker 1: twelve years in. He had always been the primary breadwinner,

782
00:41:39,680 --> 00:41:42,520
Speaker 1: but his uh, he had gone into the restaurant business

783
00:41:42,520 --> 00:41:44,480
Speaker 1: and we had put our entire life savings into it

784
00:41:44,719 --> 00:41:47,480
Speaker 1: and it went under or was going under, and we

785
00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:49,600
Speaker 1: were eight hundred thousand dollars in debt. We had three

786
00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:52,560
Speaker 1: young kids. Leans hit the house, the bankruptcy letters started

787
00:41:52,560 --> 00:41:55,759
Speaker 1: to arrive. I ended up getting fired from my job.

788
00:41:55,800 --> 00:41:58,960
Speaker 1: This was two thousand eight lousy year for everybody, huge

789
00:41:59,080 --> 00:42:03,279
Speaker 1: housing recession. And I did what any functioning adult would

790
00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:05,320
Speaker 1: do when your life starts to go down the toilet.

791
00:42:05,360 --> 00:42:08,680
Speaker 1: I started drinking like it was my job. And uh,

792
00:42:08,800 --> 00:42:11,520
Speaker 1: because it's easier, to, of course, numb your pain than

793
00:42:11,560 --> 00:42:15,200
Speaker 1: it is to face it. And um, I for six

794
00:42:15,239 --> 00:42:18,000
Speaker 1: months straight would drink myself to sleep every night, and

795
00:42:18,040 --> 00:42:20,080
Speaker 1: then I would hit the snooze button five times in

796
00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:22,000
Speaker 1: the morning, and the kids would miss the bus and

797
00:42:22,080 --> 00:42:24,120
Speaker 1: Chris was already left the house because he didn't want

798
00:42:24,120 --> 00:42:25,520
Speaker 1: to be in the house when I woke up, because

799
00:42:25,560 --> 00:42:27,880
Speaker 1: I was a raging bitch, because it's easier to scream

800
00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:30,719
Speaker 1: at them than to get your own life together. And

801
00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:33,200
Speaker 1: I never thought at the age of forty one this

802
00:42:33,239 --> 00:42:35,040
Speaker 1: would be my life. That I would be on the

803
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:37,520
Speaker 1: verge of losing everything, that I would be in the gutter,

804
00:42:37,560 --> 00:42:39,400
Speaker 1: that I would feel like the world's worst mother, that

805
00:42:39,440 --> 00:42:41,400
Speaker 1: I would not know how to pay for groceries, that

806
00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:45,640
Speaker 1: I was scared of the cars getting repossessed, and UM,

807
00:42:45,680 --> 00:42:48,400
Speaker 1: I made a decision in that moment. That's when I

808
00:42:48,480 --> 00:42:52,040
Speaker 1: invented the five second rule. Um. The story is kind

809
00:42:52,040 --> 00:42:54,520
Speaker 1: of crazy, but I basically one night was giving myself

810
00:42:54,560 --> 00:42:56,319
Speaker 1: one of those pep talks that the two of you have,

811
00:42:56,400 --> 00:42:58,960
Speaker 1: probably in this moment of your life, were giving you like, Okay,

812
00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:00,920
Speaker 1: I gotta make a change. I got to do something different.

813
00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:03,359
Speaker 1: I got like, this isn't working, but you don't know

814
00:43:03,440 --> 00:43:06,440
Speaker 1: what to do. You're stuck. But I was saying to myself,

815
00:43:06,480 --> 00:43:08,160
Speaker 1: I gotta get out of bed. I gotta get out

816
00:43:08,160 --> 00:43:10,200
Speaker 1: of bed. And then I see this rocket launch across

817
00:43:10,239 --> 00:43:13,120
Speaker 1: the television screen, and all of a sudden, I go,

818
00:43:13,239 --> 00:43:15,160
Speaker 1: holy cow, that's the answer to getting out of bed.

819
00:43:15,680 --> 00:43:18,480
Speaker 1: Because you know, Janna, you talk about crippling anxiety. That's

820
00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:20,520
Speaker 1: why I wasn't getting out of bed. The alarm would ring.

821
00:43:20,640 --> 00:43:23,960
Speaker 1: The first thing that I would feel was anxiety, and

822
00:43:23,960 --> 00:43:25,840
Speaker 1: then the depression, and then it was like one of

823
00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:29,520
Speaker 1: those weighted blankets of emotion, burying me alive in the bed,

824
00:43:29,560 --> 00:43:31,840
Speaker 1: and I'd hit the snooze button. I didn't have the

825
00:43:31,880 --> 00:43:34,400
Speaker 1: resolve of the confidence to get up and face my problem,

826
00:43:34,480 --> 00:43:36,440
Speaker 1: so it was easier just to hit the snooze button.

827
00:43:36,760 --> 00:43:38,640
Speaker 1: But I see this rocket launch and I go, WHOA,

828
00:43:39,120 --> 00:43:41,359
Speaker 1: What if I launched myself out of bed so fast?

829
00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:46,640
Speaker 1: Tomorrow morning? I moved before the anxiety kicks in. What

830
00:43:46,719 --> 00:43:50,240
Speaker 1: if I'm out of bed before that weight of emotion

831
00:43:50,440 --> 00:43:53,279
Speaker 1: and all of the fears trapped me there. And so

832
00:43:53,360 --> 00:43:55,680
Speaker 1: the next morning I just counted when the alarm went

833
00:43:55,719 --> 00:43:58,480
Speaker 1: off like a rocket, so stupid, five three two one,

834
00:43:58,480 --> 00:44:01,000
Speaker 1: and I stood up. And that's the that's the five

835
00:44:01,000 --> 00:44:03,240
Speaker 1: second roule. That's all that it is. You count backwards

836
00:44:03,280 --> 00:44:06,280
Speaker 1: five three two one when you're doubting yourself, when you're procrastinating,

837
00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:08,680
Speaker 1: when you have anxiety. It's the little push and it's

838
00:44:08,719 --> 00:44:11,080
Speaker 1: actually a brain trick that it turns out to have

839
00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:13,319
Speaker 1: a ton of science behind it that you can use

840
00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:18,480
Speaker 1: to change any thinking pattern, any behavior pattern, any aspect

841
00:44:18,480 --> 00:44:21,080
Speaker 1: of your life. And so how I used it to

842
00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:25,000
Speaker 1: deal with the resentment that my husband had, the deal

843
00:44:25,040 --> 00:44:26,759
Speaker 1: with the the resentment I had from my husband at

844
00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:29,040
Speaker 1: that point, and how I continued to use it to

845
00:44:29,120 --> 00:44:32,560
Speaker 1: change my marriage and to change where my life was

846
00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:35,560
Speaker 1: at when I felt so stuck, is that any time

847
00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:37,880
Speaker 1: there was something I needed to do, whether it was

848
00:44:38,080 --> 00:44:41,680
Speaker 1: not snap at Chris, I'd go five four three to one,

849
00:44:41,719 --> 00:44:45,440
Speaker 1: and just counting backwards switched gears in my brain, settled

850
00:44:45,480 --> 00:44:47,520
Speaker 1: my body and allowed me to talk to him from

851
00:44:47,520 --> 00:44:50,319
Speaker 1: a place of my values instead of snapping at him

852
00:44:50,360 --> 00:44:53,080
Speaker 1: all the time. And five three two one, I'm picking

853
00:44:53,120 --> 00:44:55,759
Speaker 1: up the phone, I'm looking for a job to one.

854
00:44:55,760 --> 00:44:58,680
Speaker 1: If I'm feeling guilty, I say, this is not serving me.

855
00:44:58,680 --> 00:45:01,480
Speaker 1: I'm not going to feel guilty, And I literally five

856
00:45:01,520 --> 00:45:05,560
Speaker 1: seconds at a time. Decision by decision by decision changed

857
00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:07,880
Speaker 1: the way I was thinking and changed what I was

858
00:45:07,960 --> 00:45:11,399
Speaker 1: doing in the entire trajectory of my life changed. Chris

859
00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:14,160
Speaker 1: started using it in the restaurant business. Five three two one.

860
00:45:14,200 --> 00:45:16,480
Speaker 1: They're going back in to talk to their landlords five

861
00:45:16,600 --> 00:45:18,919
Speaker 1: or three two one. They're laying people off five three

862
00:45:18,920 --> 00:45:22,200
Speaker 1: two one. They're meeting with investors and having the embarrassing

863
00:45:22,239 --> 00:45:25,040
Speaker 1: conversations about where things are going with their business, even

864
00:45:25,080 --> 00:45:27,480
Speaker 1: though they want to tell a different story. And slowly

865
00:45:27,520 --> 00:45:31,560
Speaker 1: but surely everything changes now. I ended up sharing the

866
00:45:31,560 --> 00:45:35,000
Speaker 1: five second rule in a ted X talk. I don't

867
00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:37,080
Speaker 1: know how long ago was like a ten years ago,

868
00:45:37,200 --> 00:45:39,359
Speaker 1: eight years and whatever. It's got twenty million views now,

869
00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:43,600
Speaker 1: and that's what led to my speaking career. People started

870
00:45:43,719 --> 00:45:45,880
Speaker 1: right to me. That's what led to me writing a

871
00:45:45,880 --> 00:45:48,080
Speaker 1: book about it, even though I'm dyslexic as hell. And

872
00:45:48,120 --> 00:45:50,440
Speaker 1: that was a whole another story. But as my career

873
00:45:50,440 --> 00:45:55,080
Speaker 1: took off, you two and Chris stepped away from the

874
00:45:55,120 --> 00:45:58,719
Speaker 1: restaurant business and I became the primary breadwinner. There was

875
00:45:58,800 --> 00:46:02,480
Speaker 1: this totally up dynamic in our relationship where I could

876
00:46:02,480 --> 00:46:07,719
Speaker 1: tell he secretly resented me. And what we have unpacked

877
00:46:07,719 --> 00:46:12,560
Speaker 1: in our marriage is that for men, the pressure to

878
00:46:12,719 --> 00:46:18,040
Speaker 1: succeed the profession, the pressure to be professionally successful, the

879
00:46:18,080 --> 00:46:21,880
Speaker 1: pressure to provide the professor, the pressure to make money,

880
00:46:22,280 --> 00:46:26,680
Speaker 1: that is NonStop for dudes. And when you start to

881
00:46:26,719 --> 00:46:29,000
Speaker 1: out earn them and they're the ones in the pickup

882
00:46:29,040 --> 00:46:32,000
Speaker 1: line at school, or they're the ones that are watching

883
00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:35,400
Speaker 1: you on television, or they're the ones that are being asked,

884
00:46:35,440 --> 00:46:37,879
Speaker 1: oh wow, mel Mel is doing dynamond you know jan

885
00:46:38,040 --> 00:46:41,040
Speaker 1: is killing it. You know, there's something that happens for

886
00:46:41,160 --> 00:46:45,280
Speaker 1: their self confidence that they don't know how to resolve,

887
00:46:45,880 --> 00:46:50,000
Speaker 1: and they secretly no longer see you as their partner.

888
00:46:50,440 --> 00:46:54,960
Speaker 1: They see you as a person that's making them feel demasculated.

889
00:46:55,360 --> 00:46:57,160
Speaker 1: And then when you come home because you've been working

890
00:46:57,200 --> 00:46:59,520
Speaker 1: all day and there's freaking dishes in the sink and

891
00:46:59,520 --> 00:47:01,160
Speaker 1: the laundry is piled up, and you're like, what are

892
00:47:01,200 --> 00:47:04,000
Speaker 1: you even doing all day that makes it even worse,

893
00:47:05,040 --> 00:47:07,920
Speaker 1: and so they start to spiral. And so that's the

894
00:47:08,040 --> 00:47:10,920
Speaker 1: dynamic I'm talking about. And what we had to do

895
00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:15,759
Speaker 1: in our marriage is talk about, Okay, we're fifteen years in,

896
00:47:16,680 --> 00:47:18,600
Speaker 1: what are the roles we want to play in this

897
00:47:18,719 --> 00:47:21,040
Speaker 1: next chapter. And as it turns out, this was the

898
00:47:21,040 --> 00:47:23,480
Speaker 1: greatest gift on the planet for me and Chris, because

899
00:47:23,560 --> 00:47:33,480
Speaker 1: Chris is the primary provider in our household for emotional stability, spirituality, love, consistency.

900
00:47:33,760 --> 00:47:37,520
Speaker 1: He is a way better parent than I am, um,

901
00:47:37,560 --> 00:47:40,120
Speaker 1: no question. And you know I used to be so

902
00:47:40,200 --> 00:47:43,440
Speaker 1: piste off because my ambitions I was channeling it into him.

903
00:47:43,520 --> 00:47:45,600
Speaker 1: And when looking back, every fight he and I ever

904
00:47:45,680 --> 00:47:49,439
Speaker 1: had was me driving my ambitions at a guy that's

905
00:47:49,440 --> 00:47:52,839
Speaker 1: not motivated by money. And the second I started making money,

906
00:47:52,920 --> 00:47:55,759
Speaker 1: I learned something about myself. I'm ambitious as hell and

907
00:47:55,800 --> 00:47:58,680
Speaker 1: I love that, and I love business and I love

908
00:47:58,760 --> 00:48:01,120
Speaker 1: the game of making money, and I love making a difference,

909
00:48:01,120 --> 00:48:06,239
Speaker 1: and I love building and that's amazing. And I am

910
00:48:06,280 --> 00:48:08,799
Speaker 1: at my highest when I'm out there building something and

911
00:48:08,880 --> 00:48:11,720
Speaker 1: making an impact. And Chris is at his highest purpose

912
00:48:11,840 --> 00:48:15,239
Speaker 1: right now in his life when he is caring for

913
00:48:15,280 --> 00:48:19,200
Speaker 1: our kids and caring for our community. And he had

914
00:48:19,239 --> 00:48:21,359
Speaker 1: to do a lot of work to realize that that

915
00:48:21,480 --> 00:48:26,160
Speaker 1: kind of providing is way more valuable and successful than

916
00:48:26,280 --> 00:48:29,640
Speaker 1: any amount of money in a bank account. And that's

917
00:48:29,680 --> 00:48:32,600
Speaker 1: the kind of work that you need to do in

918
00:48:32,640 --> 00:48:36,920
Speaker 1: your marriage. If that resentment piece around your success versus

919
00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:41,400
Speaker 1: his success, your role in business, business versus his opinion

920
00:48:41,440 --> 00:48:43,600
Speaker 1: that you should be home more and he shouldn't be

921
00:48:43,640 --> 00:48:45,960
Speaker 1: the one Like that's all that that's got to get

922
00:48:45,960 --> 00:48:49,360
Speaker 1: worked out if there's resentment in your marriage. Now, I

923
00:48:49,360 --> 00:48:51,720
Speaker 1: want to talk about the guilt that you feel having

924
00:48:51,719 --> 00:48:55,239
Speaker 1: been a stay at home mom. The number one thing

925
00:48:55,360 --> 00:49:02,000
Speaker 1: you could do for your children is to follow your dreams. Mhm.

926
00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:07,160
Speaker 1: What is it that you want most for your children?

927
00:49:07,280 --> 00:49:14,200
Speaker 1: Tell me just freedom? What does that mean? Really? Trying

928
00:49:14,239 --> 00:49:19,759
Speaker 1: not to be emotional? Don't stop that what looks like

929
00:49:19,880 --> 00:49:23,600
Speaker 1: hardcore freedom? I mean part of the reason I keep

930
00:49:23,600 --> 00:49:29,400
Speaker 1: trying to build a brand on this side is mm hmm, sorry, guys,

931
00:49:29,880 --> 00:49:33,840
Speaker 1: um is to like provide this idea to our daughter.

932
00:49:34,800 --> 00:49:37,080
Speaker 1: Because I grew up with two working parents, so I've

933
00:49:37,120 --> 00:49:39,000
Speaker 1: always just been an ass kicker. I mean I have

934
00:49:39,080 --> 00:49:42,080
Speaker 1: had I've had so many jobs since I was like fourteen,

935
00:49:42,239 --> 00:49:45,400
Speaker 1: cleaning out many refrigerators from my uncle's business at University

936
00:49:45,400 --> 00:49:49,280
Speaker 1: of Michigan. I mean, let's talk about you know um

937
00:49:49,320 --> 00:49:52,640
Speaker 1: and I just want her. Her name is Love. I

938
00:49:52,680 --> 00:49:56,919
Speaker 1: want love to see what a strong woman looks like. Yeah,

939
00:49:57,680 --> 00:50:00,719
Speaker 1: and who's going to show as as I crabb, Who's

940
00:50:00,760 --> 00:50:03,359
Speaker 1: gonna show my running well? And so it's I've been

941
00:50:03,400 --> 00:50:07,160
Speaker 1: building this like little bitty brand, you know. Okay, So

942
00:50:07,440 --> 00:50:11,759
Speaker 1: first of all, you're doing what every woman does. You

943
00:50:11,840 --> 00:50:17,960
Speaker 1: are diminishing your ambition, and you are diminishing what you're

944
00:50:18,040 --> 00:50:23,800
Speaker 1: up to. Who am I I am doing? I launched

945
00:50:23,880 --> 00:50:26,520
Speaker 1: my podcast this Saturday, which is pretty exciting for me.

946
00:50:26,640 --> 00:50:32,000
Speaker 1: Congratulations things Now it's all good. It's just you know,

947
00:50:32,160 --> 00:50:35,440
Speaker 1: like there's that guilt factory. Talk to me about the guilt.

948
00:50:36,360 --> 00:50:42,919
Speaker 1: Why do you feel guilty? Because it feels distracting from

949
00:50:42,960 --> 00:50:45,720
Speaker 1: them and I'm the primary parent. It has been gone

950
00:50:45,840 --> 00:50:49,680
Speaker 1: so much. Okay, So it's me. We don't like have

951
00:50:49,840 --> 00:50:54,200
Speaker 1: nannies or babysitters on the regular really, so okay. So

952
00:50:54,239 --> 00:51:00,360
Speaker 1: you're at the point in this pursuit of building something

953
00:51:00,400 --> 00:51:05,680
Speaker 1: that's your own where you need help. That's what's happened.

954
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:09,000
Speaker 1: And the guilt is coming from the fact that you

955
00:51:09,120 --> 00:51:16,360
Speaker 1: don't feel deserving of having somebody come in to watch

956
00:51:16,440 --> 00:51:21,600
Speaker 1: the kids. Well, you pursue this thing for you, Yeah,

957
00:51:21,640 --> 00:51:27,319
Speaker 1: because right now it's not monetarily bringing in anything makes money? Right,

958
00:51:27,680 --> 00:51:30,799
Speaker 1: But like what I'm doing, so what bringing in money?

959
00:51:31,040 --> 00:51:32,840
Speaker 1: Really good point? But so what does it? Does it

960
00:51:32,920 --> 00:51:35,840
Speaker 1: have to bring in money to make you happy? And

961
00:51:36,080 --> 00:51:38,200
Speaker 1: just I love it. I mean I've had a blog.

962
00:51:38,239 --> 00:51:39,759
Speaker 1: I had a blog for like twelve years and no

963
00:51:39,800 --> 00:51:43,080
Speaker 1: one read it until Janna posted that I had written

964
00:51:43,120 --> 00:51:45,840
Speaker 1: a piece on miscarriage and it just went crazy viral

965
00:51:45,920 --> 00:51:48,000
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, like, my sweet little web

966
00:51:48,080 --> 00:51:50,520
Speaker 1: nest finally is getting some attention. You know, I don't

967
00:51:50,560 --> 00:51:54,880
Speaker 1: do it to make money, Honestly, I'm not. I'm not

968
00:51:54,960 --> 00:51:57,120
Speaker 1: super motivated by money. I just always have had to

969
00:51:57,200 --> 00:51:59,239
Speaker 1: make the money, like in the previous marriage and my

970
00:51:59,280 --> 00:52:01,960
Speaker 1: whole life to provide for myself, and I didn't have

971
00:52:02,040 --> 00:52:05,840
Speaker 1: a lot of help from parents or you know. So

972
00:52:05,840 --> 00:52:09,400
Speaker 1: so here here's what I just here. You're ready, Okay,

973
00:52:09,520 --> 00:52:15,200
Speaker 1: you're ready, A kind of salt water happening over You're good,

974
00:52:15,360 --> 00:52:18,680
Speaker 1: get it out of there. So um here, let's strap

975
00:52:18,680 --> 00:52:22,000
Speaker 1: on your seatbelt because here's the real issue. So the

976
00:52:22,120 --> 00:52:26,520
Speaker 1: real issue is that you have a pattern of behavior

977
00:52:26,600 --> 00:52:31,440
Speaker 1: and belief that no longer serves you. For anybody on

978
00:52:31,480 --> 00:52:33,839
Speaker 1: the planet that feels stuck. If you're listening to us

979
00:52:33,880 --> 00:52:36,960
Speaker 1: talk right now and you feel stuck, here's the good news.

980
00:52:37,080 --> 00:52:39,520
Speaker 1: The good news is all that's happening is there's a

981
00:52:39,520 --> 00:52:42,640
Speaker 1: pattern of behavior or a pattern of thinking that somebody

982
00:52:42,640 --> 00:52:45,160
Speaker 1: else trained you in that comes from the past that

983
00:52:45,239 --> 00:52:49,000
Speaker 1: you're repeating right now and it no longer works. And

984
00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:51,799
Speaker 1: the pattern of behavior that you have is I got

985
00:52:51,800 --> 00:52:57,680
Speaker 1: to do it on my own, nobody's here to help. Yeah,

986
00:52:58,120 --> 00:53:05,000
Speaker 1: that's really accurate. And so the simple way to change this,

987
00:53:05,920 --> 00:53:09,440
Speaker 1: and it's a brand new skill that you need to

988
00:53:09,520 --> 00:53:16,240
Speaker 1: develop for yourself, is you have to ask for specific help.

989
00:53:17,640 --> 00:53:21,520
Speaker 1: That's it, because if you don't break this pattern, I

990
00:53:21,600 --> 00:53:24,279
Speaker 1: can tell you what's going to happen. You're going to

991
00:53:24,360 --> 00:53:28,320
Speaker 1: sit at home and have aspirations and continue to diminish

992
00:53:28,320 --> 00:53:31,600
Speaker 1: your dreams, and you're going to continue to tell yourself

993
00:53:31,640 --> 00:53:35,000
Speaker 1: a lie, which is you don't deserve help unless you

994
00:53:35,000 --> 00:53:39,040
Speaker 1: can pay for it yourself. And then you're going to

995
00:53:39,239 --> 00:53:44,280
Speaker 1: also secretly wish that your partner would notice and offer

996
00:53:44,360 --> 00:53:47,600
Speaker 1: it up, and the resentment in your side, in you

997
00:53:47,800 --> 00:53:50,800
Speaker 1: keeping this need silent, is going to build and build

998
00:53:50,840 --> 00:53:54,600
Speaker 1: and build, because we women love to pretend that our

999
00:53:54,640 --> 00:53:59,240
Speaker 1: partners can read our minds, and then we punish people

1000
00:53:59,760 --> 00:54:03,719
Speaker 1: when they can't. And so all you need to do

1001
00:54:03,800 --> 00:54:06,440
Speaker 1: this is a really simple thing to change, and it

1002
00:54:06,440 --> 00:54:11,160
Speaker 1: will change everything because you want love your daughter to

1003
00:54:11,360 --> 00:54:13,839
Speaker 1: know that she doesn't have to do everything on her own.

1004
00:54:14,640 --> 00:54:17,399
Speaker 1: You want your daughter to know that she can ask

1005
00:54:17,480 --> 00:54:20,120
Speaker 1: for help, and the only way she's going to learn

1006
00:54:20,200 --> 00:54:23,359
Speaker 1: how to do that is by watching her mom do

1007
00:54:23,440 --> 00:54:26,520
Speaker 1: the same. We were all raised by mothers who didn't

1008
00:54:26,560 --> 00:54:28,440
Speaker 1: ask for help, which is why none of us do it.

1009
00:54:29,360 --> 00:54:32,280
Speaker 1: You can break that pattern and that cycle by going

1010
00:54:32,320 --> 00:54:35,480
Speaker 1: to your husband with a very specific request. There are

1011
00:54:35,520 --> 00:54:37,759
Speaker 1: three days a week that I need five hours out

1012
00:54:37,760 --> 00:54:40,160
Speaker 1: of the house and what I want to do on

1013
00:54:40,239 --> 00:54:43,560
Speaker 1: those five hours are X, Y, and Z, and he

1014
00:54:43,719 --> 00:54:48,520
Speaker 1: is offering that too. You won't accept it, no, So

1015
00:54:48,600 --> 00:54:50,040
Speaker 1: I feel like I don't know where to send my

1016
00:54:50,120 --> 00:54:52,839
Speaker 1: copay to you for this session, but you really are

1017
00:54:52,960 --> 00:54:56,800
Speaker 1: so enlightening. You can send it to the universe because

1018
00:54:56,800 --> 00:55:00,640
Speaker 1: here's the thing, like I feel like all human beings

1019
00:55:00,680 --> 00:55:04,919
Speaker 1: can be explained by one simple concept. Our brains love

1020
00:55:04,960 --> 00:55:08,440
Speaker 1: to learn patterns. And so if you think that you're unworthy,

1021
00:55:08,520 --> 00:55:10,359
Speaker 1: if you think you're not good enough, if you think

1022
00:55:10,400 --> 00:55:14,200
Speaker 1: you're unlovable, if you feel guilt, if you procrastinate, those

1023
00:55:14,239 --> 00:55:17,200
Speaker 1: are just patterns and it's somebody else's bullet that they

1024
00:55:17,200 --> 00:55:20,080
Speaker 1: put in your mind a long time ago. And when

1025
00:55:20,120 --> 00:55:23,280
Speaker 1: you identify that they were thinking patterns or behavior patterns

1026
00:55:23,320 --> 00:55:25,160
Speaker 1: like the one you have, I don't ask for help.

1027
00:55:25,200 --> 00:55:28,680
Speaker 1: I gotta do it myself. When you identify a pattern,

1028
00:55:29,040 --> 00:55:31,040
Speaker 1: once you see it, you can change it. And so

1029
00:55:31,080 --> 00:55:33,839
Speaker 1: your husband's already offered to help. Come up with here's

1030
00:55:33,920 --> 00:55:37,440
Speaker 1: the here's the coaching, come up with a very specific um,

1031
00:55:37,600 --> 00:55:40,440
Speaker 1: ask about how you're going to structure your week, and

1032
00:55:40,480 --> 00:55:42,200
Speaker 1: then go to your husband say this is how it's

1033
00:55:42,200 --> 00:55:44,880
Speaker 1: gonna go, this is what I'm gonna do. And now

1034
00:55:45,040 --> 00:55:49,839
Speaker 1: you're in partnership around your dreams, yes, instead of you

1035
00:55:50,000 --> 00:55:54,439
Speaker 1: secretly building this big emotional distance. And then how old

1036
00:55:54,520 --> 00:55:59,440
Speaker 1: is love? For awesome? She's old enough to understand that

1037
00:55:59,560 --> 00:56:02,040
Speaker 1: mommy has things that mommy wants to do. And the

1038
00:56:02,080 --> 00:56:04,000
Speaker 1: way that you deal with your guilt is you know

1039
00:56:04,040 --> 00:56:07,360
Speaker 1: what you do you thank your kids. Love Today Mommy

1040
00:56:07,400 --> 00:56:11,120
Speaker 1: gets to go and work on her her podcast. I

1041
00:56:11,160 --> 00:56:13,239
Speaker 1: want to thank you so much for hanging out with

1042
00:56:13,360 --> 00:56:15,960
Speaker 1: so and so today because mommy, you know, is going

1043
00:56:16,000 --> 00:56:18,040
Speaker 1: to go get to do something mommy loves. And I

1044
00:56:18,080 --> 00:56:19,920
Speaker 1: love that you support me and then she feels a

1045
00:56:19,960 --> 00:56:23,560
Speaker 1: part of it. Yeah. I love that, and I love

1046
00:56:23,600 --> 00:56:26,919
Speaker 1: how yeah, and I love how you're saying, like schedule out,

1047
00:56:26,920 --> 00:56:28,960
Speaker 1: like what you want? You know, So you know what,

1048
00:56:29,200 --> 00:56:33,080
Speaker 1: five three to one, you got this, Kristen, You're my

1049
00:56:33,160 --> 00:56:36,359
Speaker 1: soul mate, all right, So, Kristen, I want to make

1050
00:56:36,400 --> 00:56:39,520
Speaker 1: sure this landed, So repeat, repeat back for me and

1051
00:56:39,560 --> 00:56:45,080
Speaker 1: everybody listening, Mel for president. God. No, I'm just kidding, um,

1052
00:56:45,520 --> 00:56:48,640
Speaker 1: you know what, because any functioning human being would be great,

1053
00:56:48,640 --> 00:56:50,359
Speaker 1: and I don't happen to be one, so that would

1054
00:56:50,400 --> 00:56:53,319
Speaker 1: be amazing. So I want you to, first of all,

1055
00:56:53,360 --> 00:56:55,799
Speaker 1: tell me the big takeaway, the big aha that you've

1056
00:56:55,840 --> 00:56:59,000
Speaker 1: got out of our conversation. I need to ask for help,

1057
00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:01,719
Speaker 1: and I've known us and I am not good at it,

1058
00:57:01,760 --> 00:57:04,360
Speaker 1: but I'm going to become better at it great, And

1059
00:57:05,080 --> 00:57:08,719
Speaker 1: asking for help is a skill, it is, and it's

1060
00:57:08,760 --> 00:57:11,200
Speaker 1: one you just need to develop. That's it. There's no

1061
00:57:11,440 --> 00:57:14,080
Speaker 1: two on angiogram. You know, if anybody follows that, I'm

1062
00:57:14,120 --> 00:57:16,480
Speaker 1: like a solid, gouty girl, but I don't do enough

1063
00:57:16,520 --> 00:57:19,680
Speaker 1: for myself and people want to help you, Like, it's

1064
00:57:19,720 --> 00:57:23,520
Speaker 1: it's actually very selfish not to ask for help. Now,

1065
00:57:23,680 --> 00:57:26,280
Speaker 1: how do you get unstuck in a like? How did

1066
00:57:26,320 --> 00:57:30,040
Speaker 1: you and Chris get unstuck in your marriage? It was

1067
00:57:30,080 --> 00:57:33,480
Speaker 1: not easy for Chris and I to go through the

1068
00:57:33,600 --> 00:57:38,120
Speaker 1: three or four years of turmoil where I hated him

1069
00:57:38,160 --> 00:57:41,640
Speaker 1: for being a failure and then where he hated me

1070
00:57:42,560 --> 00:57:46,640
Speaker 1: for being the one that was successful. Like it might

1071
00:57:46,680 --> 00:57:50,120
Speaker 1: as well have been an affair, because emotionally we were

1072
00:57:50,560 --> 00:57:57,680
Speaker 1: so devastating to one another and mean and just awful. Yeah,

1073
00:57:57,960 --> 00:58:00,080
Speaker 1: so how did you stop that behavior? How did you

1074
00:58:00,080 --> 00:58:03,959
Speaker 1: stop the resentment? Just the five four three three two one? Well,

1075
00:58:04,000 --> 00:58:06,080
Speaker 1: because that takes lots of practice. It's like it's like

1076
00:58:06,120 --> 00:58:08,120
Speaker 1: a hundred and seventy five times a day, is what

1077
00:58:08,160 --> 00:58:11,040
Speaker 1: you gotta You gotta use it um because you know

1078
00:58:11,120 --> 00:58:13,360
Speaker 1: your instincts are gonna want to kill somebody or use

1079
00:58:13,440 --> 00:58:15,600
Speaker 1: that tone of voice or cut them off at the knees.

1080
00:58:16,080 --> 00:58:18,280
Speaker 1: And so when the emotions rise up, you five you

1081
00:58:18,360 --> 00:58:20,120
Speaker 1: count five or three two one to yourself, and it

1082
00:58:20,160 --> 00:58:22,520
Speaker 1: gives you a moment of control to control what you

1083
00:58:22,560 --> 00:58:25,760
Speaker 1: do next. And for me, it would be tough to

1084
00:58:25,800 --> 00:58:29,240
Speaker 1: remember to do that because that's not the normal response, right,

1085
00:58:29,280 --> 00:58:32,080
Speaker 1: The normal response is to pop off, right, Yeah, And

1086
00:58:32,160 --> 00:58:34,240
Speaker 1: I think I think I struggle with that too in

1087
00:58:34,520 --> 00:58:37,280
Speaker 1: our relationship as well, Like when I am triggered, it's

1088
00:58:38,200 --> 00:58:41,120
Speaker 1: I want my I I don't take that minute to

1089
00:58:41,160 --> 00:58:45,120
Speaker 1: pause with five seconds five seconds because because then it's

1090
00:58:45,120 --> 00:58:48,240
Speaker 1: definitely like you're trying what you're trying. It's so hard

1091
00:58:48,240 --> 00:58:50,160
Speaker 1: to Can you count like five four three two? Yes,

1092
00:58:50,320 --> 00:58:51,840
Speaker 1: you can? And you don't even have to say it

1093
00:58:51,880 --> 00:58:55,560
Speaker 1: out loud. You can. You It is a moment where

1094
00:58:55,600 --> 00:58:58,360
Speaker 1: you're taking control. And what happens in your mind is

1095
00:58:58,760 --> 00:59:01,840
Speaker 1: when you're about to pop off, you're using the interior

1096
00:59:01,880 --> 00:59:05,680
Speaker 1: part of your brain where you're driven by automatic behavior,

1097
00:59:05,680 --> 00:59:09,880
Speaker 1: by emotion, by anger, by patterns. When you count backwards

1098
00:59:09,920 --> 00:59:12,320
Speaker 1: five four three two one, you interrupt those habit loops

1099
00:59:12,400 --> 00:59:15,240
Speaker 1: and you awaken your prefrontal cortex. That's the part of

1100
00:59:15,240 --> 00:59:17,120
Speaker 1: your brain that you're using when you're taking a test

1101
00:59:17,200 --> 00:59:19,720
Speaker 1: or learning new behavior, when you're acting with courage, when

1102
00:59:19,760 --> 00:59:22,680
Speaker 1: you're in control. And so it's a cheat code that

1103
00:59:22,720 --> 00:59:24,840
Speaker 1: gives you immediate control over the part of the brain

1104
00:59:24,880 --> 00:59:29,400
Speaker 1: that you need um in order to fix this situation.

1105
00:59:29,880 --> 00:59:31,920
Speaker 1: And so you know Kristen is going to need to

1106
00:59:31,960 --> 00:59:35,160
Speaker 1: do it three two one to ask for help and

1107
00:59:35,240 --> 00:59:38,880
Speaker 1: to break that pattern of beating herself up and feeling

1108
00:59:38,920 --> 00:59:40,840
Speaker 1: guilty and trying to do it all on her own.

1109
00:59:41,200 --> 00:59:44,920
Speaker 1: And by asking for help, you will improve your marriage

1110
00:59:45,360 --> 00:59:49,040
Speaker 1: because you are creating into intimacy and partnership and you're

1111
00:59:49,120 --> 00:59:52,640
Speaker 1: letting your partner in on your dreams and you're allowing

1112
00:59:52,680 --> 00:59:54,640
Speaker 1: your partner to do what your partner wants to do,

1113
00:59:54,840 --> 00:59:59,000
Speaker 1: which is to support you in a way that's really empowering. Yeah,

1114
00:59:59,040 --> 01:00:01,840
Speaker 1: and said for Leslie, and it's the biting our tongue

1115
01:00:01,960 --> 01:00:05,400
Speaker 1: when we're quick to Okay, I know you have to

1116
01:00:05,480 --> 01:00:07,439
Speaker 1: leave melt I could live here. Let me talk about

1117
01:00:07,480 --> 01:00:10,400
Speaker 1: biting your tongue. You're ready. Here's the thing about biting

1118
01:00:10,400 --> 01:00:17,200
Speaker 1: your tongue. Three to one your tongue. Now, it's never

1119
01:00:18,560 --> 01:00:23,560
Speaker 1: edit the content of what you need to say that's

1120
01:00:23,560 --> 01:00:29,000
Speaker 1: true for you and your values. Edit the tone. Oh,

1121
01:00:29,080 --> 01:00:32,120
Speaker 1: I like that. The hardest thing that I ever said

1122
01:00:32,160 --> 01:00:40,320
Speaker 1: to my husband was, I don't believe in you. Oh wow,

1123
01:00:41,280 --> 01:00:47,080
Speaker 1: I don't believe that you will ever be successful or

1124
01:00:47,120 --> 01:00:49,720
Speaker 1: be able to provide for this family. And it scares

1125
01:00:49,880 --> 01:00:52,400
Speaker 1: the hell out of me, and I'm freaking angry. I

1126
01:00:52,400 --> 01:00:54,080
Speaker 1: think I even said I should have married some guy

1127
01:00:54,120 --> 01:00:58,840
Speaker 1: in finance to really like dig it in there. And

1128
01:00:58,880 --> 01:01:00,000
Speaker 1: he turned to me and you know what he said

1129
01:01:00,000 --> 01:01:07,200
Speaker 1: it I know, oh, I know. It was the turning

1130
01:01:07,240 --> 01:01:09,400
Speaker 1: point in our marriage because it was the most honest

1131
01:01:09,440 --> 01:01:12,680
Speaker 1: thing I had ever said to him. And when you

1132
01:01:12,720 --> 01:01:16,840
Speaker 1: get to that level of honesty, that's when you can

1133
01:01:17,080 --> 01:01:20,120
Speaker 1: start to rebuild. Because we have a habit in our

1134
01:01:20,360 --> 01:01:25,200
Speaker 1: most important relationships of lying, of withholding, of acting out

1135
01:01:25,200 --> 01:01:30,480
Speaker 1: of anger instead of having the hard, truthful conversations. And

1136
01:01:30,560 --> 01:01:35,400
Speaker 1: for you, the hard truthful conversation is I thought I

1137
01:01:35,440 --> 01:01:39,360
Speaker 1: could do this. I want to try to do this.

1138
01:01:40,200 --> 01:01:45,919
Speaker 1: But these are the these are the ten commandments, and

1139
01:01:46,160 --> 01:01:52,000
Speaker 1: if they're broken, what's changed is I'm out. And we

1140
01:01:52,080 --> 01:01:56,760
Speaker 1: need to work together as we work on ourselves on

1141
01:01:56,920 --> 01:02:01,320
Speaker 1: how we are going to create that new reality. And

1142
01:02:01,360 --> 01:02:05,200
Speaker 1: that working together pieces super important because whether the relationship

1143
01:02:05,240 --> 01:02:08,320
Speaker 1: goes the distance or it doesn't, you have kids together.

1144
01:02:08,320 --> 01:02:11,520
Speaker 1: So you're gonna be together forever anyway, and so working

1145
01:02:11,640 --> 01:02:15,280
Speaker 1: on honesty and working on respect and communication, which is

1146
01:02:15,320 --> 01:02:21,920
Speaker 1: all driven by the courage to be honest. That's the

1147
01:02:21,960 --> 01:02:26,520
Speaker 1: foundation that you need to work on. You deserve to

1148
01:02:26,640 --> 01:02:32,360
Speaker 1: have somebody that is honest with you. You deserve to

1149
01:02:32,480 --> 01:02:38,080
Speaker 1: have somebody that respects you. You deserve to have somebody that,

1150
01:02:38,240 --> 01:02:42,720
Speaker 1: even though they might be struggling, still has the courage

1151
01:02:43,320 --> 01:02:46,520
Speaker 1: and the respect and the love for you to be

1152
01:02:46,680 --> 01:02:51,280
Speaker 1: honest with you the moment they start struggling. I'm I

1153
01:02:51,400 --> 01:02:53,520
Speaker 1: one thousand percent agree with you, and I just I

1154
01:02:53,520 --> 01:02:57,080
Speaker 1: appreciate all of your insight. I'm obsessed with you, and

1155
01:02:57,120 --> 01:03:00,600
Speaker 1: I just I cannot wait to come to you know,

1156
01:03:00,640 --> 01:03:03,400
Speaker 1: come to one of your speaking engagements and come to

1157
01:03:03,400 --> 01:03:08,200
Speaker 1: the talk second. Please. I would love to talk. I

1158
01:03:08,280 --> 01:03:10,000
Speaker 1: love that, I would love that. I would love to

1159
01:03:10,040 --> 01:03:12,000
Speaker 1: be a guest. I love you, Mel. I love you

1160
01:03:12,040 --> 01:03:14,000
Speaker 1: too so much for coming on the show. You means

1161
01:03:14,120 --> 01:03:16,280
Speaker 1: more to me than you know. Well. I'll come back

1162
01:03:16,320 --> 01:03:19,840
Speaker 1: any time you want. Thank you, Mel. You're welcome to Okay,

1163
01:03:19,840 --> 01:03:22,800
Speaker 1: bye bye, Hey, this is Mel. If you're in the

1164
01:03:22,840 --> 01:03:26,520
Speaker 1: Los Angeles area, you can watch my new daytime talk show,

1165
01:03:26,560 --> 01:03:29,240
Speaker 1: The Mel Robin Show every single weekday on k t

1166
01:03:29,440 --> 01:03:31,080
Speaker 1: l A at four pm, or if you're in the

1167
01:03:31,120 --> 01:03:33,920
Speaker 1: rest of the country, check your local listings at the

1168
01:03:33,960 --> 01:03:47,240
Speaker 1: melt Robin Show dot com. Obsessed with Mel I want

1169
01:03:47,240 --> 01:03:50,400
Speaker 1: to be a better person. I'm just every morning, I'm

1170
01:03:50,440 --> 01:03:54,640
Speaker 1: gonna go five three. Let's I gotta go buy your

1171
01:03:54,680 --> 01:03:57,560
Speaker 1: book right away? Amazon that stuff. Hey, I got an email,

1172
01:03:58,640 --> 01:04:02,240
Speaker 1: um to leave with us. It's from anonymous wedding parties.

1173
01:04:02,680 --> 01:04:05,320
Speaker 1: I recently got engaged and has been amazing. My fiance

1174
01:04:05,480 --> 01:04:08,000
Speaker 1: has a larger wedding party that he's thinking of asking

1175
01:04:08,000 --> 01:04:11,280
Speaker 1: to stand up with him eight um, and I can

1176
01:04:11,320 --> 01:04:14,120
Speaker 1: definitely think of that many wonderful and supportive women that

1177
01:04:14,120 --> 01:04:16,600
Speaker 1: are so close to my heart to stand up with me. However,

1178
01:04:16,960 --> 01:04:18,480
Speaker 1: I feel like I may be getting in my own

1179
01:04:18,480 --> 01:04:20,320
Speaker 1: head about it all. I don't want to hurt feelings.

1180
01:04:20,400 --> 01:04:22,040
Speaker 1: Where do you draw the line? How can I be

1181
01:04:22,080 --> 01:04:23,760
Speaker 1: sure these people will be in our life when we

1182
01:04:23,760 --> 01:04:29,480
Speaker 1: are fifty sixty, etcetera. Oh that's a big one, isn't Yeah,

1183
01:04:29,640 --> 01:04:33,720
Speaker 1: I mean it's hard. I guess I don't understand. I

1184
01:04:33,720 --> 01:04:35,600
Speaker 1: don't understand the hang up? What is her hang up?

1185
01:04:35,920 --> 01:04:39,960
Speaker 1: Hang up? Planning went for you guys, like, that's a

1186
01:04:39,960 --> 01:04:44,160
Speaker 1: hard one. I don't want anyone's feeling. Why no, because

1187
01:04:44,320 --> 01:04:46,600
Speaker 1: for me it's like, you know, I didn't I had

1188
01:04:46,640 --> 01:04:51,240
Speaker 1: to kind of um stretched to get some more girls

1189
01:04:51,280 --> 01:04:54,040
Speaker 1: on my side. Mike Code could have had a lot

1190
01:04:54,080 --> 01:04:58,920
Speaker 1: more a football team, yeah, um. So for me, I

1191
01:04:58,920 --> 01:05:02,760
Speaker 1: I wanted to keep it like smaller. Um, but you

1192
01:05:02,800 --> 01:05:04,920
Speaker 1: know he wanted to have more, and so I I

1193
01:05:04,960 --> 01:05:07,080
Speaker 1: what I would think nowadays, I like what people do

1194
01:05:07,120 --> 01:05:10,720
Speaker 1: they have opposite numbers, yeah, and I think that's really cool.

1195
01:05:10,920 --> 01:05:13,680
Speaker 1: But looking back, just so you know, Anonymous, like, there

1196
01:05:13,760 --> 01:05:16,040
Speaker 1: is one person in my wedding party that I don't

1197
01:05:16,080 --> 01:05:20,680
Speaker 1: speak to anymore, that is has done some awful things

1198
01:05:21,120 --> 01:05:23,320
Speaker 1: to me, but it doesn't take away from the memory

1199
01:05:23,400 --> 01:05:25,240
Speaker 1: of that day. Other things take away from the memory

1200
01:05:25,240 --> 01:05:27,760
Speaker 1: of that day, but nothing takes away from the memory

1201
01:05:27,840 --> 01:05:33,960
Speaker 1: of that day. Um, because of that person in the photo.

1202
01:05:34,120 --> 01:05:38,360
Speaker 1: Do we know how old Anonymous is? Young? Yeah, because

1203
01:05:38,400 --> 01:05:40,480
Speaker 1: I do think younger. The only reason I say that

1204
01:05:40,640 --> 01:05:44,480
Speaker 1: is when so I have been married twice on my

1205
01:05:44,560 --> 01:05:48,360
Speaker 1: second final forever marriage, but the first time I have

1206
01:05:48,600 --> 01:05:51,240
Speaker 1: felt like a need to have a lot of people,

1207
01:05:51,320 --> 01:05:53,680
Speaker 1: and I was younger, and then the second time, I

1208
01:05:53,760 --> 01:05:56,920
Speaker 1: was like, yeah, good with you three, you know, or

1209
01:05:56,960 --> 01:06:00,720
Speaker 1: two and felt good about it. It's hard to I

1210
01:06:00,720 --> 01:06:02,400
Speaker 1: think when you're in an age where everybody else is

1211
01:06:02,400 --> 01:06:04,760
Speaker 1: getting married that if they put you in your wedding

1212
01:06:04,880 --> 01:06:07,439
Speaker 1: and their wedding, you kind of feel obligated a bit

1213
01:06:07,640 --> 01:06:09,840
Speaker 1: to put them in yours, even though you shouldn't. You know,

1214
01:06:10,080 --> 01:06:14,960
Speaker 1: there's there's a lot of layers there. I don't think

1215
01:06:14,960 --> 01:06:16,760
Speaker 1: the numbers have to be even, and I don't. I

1216
01:06:16,800 --> 01:06:19,439
Speaker 1: also don't think that the guy has to have every

1217
01:06:19,440 --> 01:06:21,080
Speaker 1: guy stand up for him. There are other things that

1218
01:06:21,160 --> 01:06:24,640
Speaker 1: you could have those guys do there equally as important, right,

1219
01:06:24,680 --> 01:06:26,520
Speaker 1: Like you could have ushers. I bet there's a lot

1220
01:06:26,560 --> 01:06:30,480
Speaker 1: of ushers that would disagree with you. A lot of

1221
01:06:30,520 --> 01:06:33,840
Speaker 1: Bible readers, Bible verse readers at weddings that are like, well,

1222
01:06:33,960 --> 01:06:36,800
Speaker 1: the person who read our Bible Verse is actually a dear, dear,

1223
01:06:36,960 --> 01:06:41,200
Speaker 1: very close friend who was just here. So so yeah,

1224
01:06:41,400 --> 01:06:46,480
Speaker 1: so I interesting about that I did something in their

1225
01:06:46,520 --> 01:06:49,480
Speaker 1: day that I shouldn't have done. I was a little

1226
01:06:49,520 --> 01:06:53,760
Speaker 1: angry with the message at church, okay, so I took

1227
01:06:53,760 --> 01:06:57,840
Speaker 1: it a bottom myself bro to d m R. Pastora,

1228
01:06:58,760 --> 01:07:01,280
Speaker 1: I kind of like this know this is this is

1229
01:07:01,280 --> 01:07:03,920
Speaker 1: where like in my note in my therapy, I don't

1230
01:07:04,200 --> 01:07:08,160
Speaker 1: really think before I say certain things. What did you

1231
01:07:08,160 --> 01:07:11,440
Speaker 1: send it immediately? Okay? Do you need the five second

1232
01:07:11,520 --> 01:07:16,240
Speaker 1: role for a different reasons, but for some you know,

1233
01:07:16,320 --> 01:07:19,320
Speaker 1: I just felt angry and I don't know if it's

1234
01:07:19,320 --> 01:07:25,240
Speaker 1: because I'm angry angry period, uh sure, or you know,

1235
01:07:25,320 --> 01:07:26,920
Speaker 1: And I've always had you know, God and I have

1236
01:07:27,000 --> 01:07:31,480
Speaker 1: had a um we're or having a We've always had

1237
01:07:31,480 --> 01:07:34,720
Speaker 1: a working relationship that makes sense and not a working relationship.

1238
01:07:34,760 --> 01:07:37,520
Speaker 1: We've had a like that we're betting heads right now.

1239
01:07:38,160 --> 01:07:43,040
Speaker 1: Well yes, but not. And I'm always going to believe,

1240
01:07:43,280 --> 01:07:47,160
Speaker 1: but I question a lot of things sometimes. And I

1241
01:07:47,440 --> 01:07:50,880
Speaker 1: so I remember just sitting in church and being like

1242
01:07:50,880 --> 01:07:56,400
Speaker 1: like I felt like I got he was healing everybody else.

1243
01:07:56,480 --> 01:07:59,200
Speaker 1: But then I walk away with while I'm I don't know,

1244
01:07:59,240 --> 01:08:02,600
Speaker 1: I just I just got angry. And so I wrote out,

1245
01:08:02,720 --> 01:08:07,520
Speaker 1: reached out to him um and he, you know, he

1246
01:08:07,880 --> 01:08:10,560
Speaker 1: responded back and was like really sorry that you feel

1247
01:08:10,560 --> 01:08:12,320
Speaker 1: this way, and I'm like, oh my god, I'm so sorry.

1248
01:08:12,400 --> 01:08:14,640
Speaker 1: I'm so embarrassed, and I have to find a new

1249
01:08:14,680 --> 01:08:18,439
Speaker 1: church troll. Now, I was like, I am so sorry.

1250
01:08:18,479 --> 01:08:21,800
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm just angry, and I'm I thought

1251
01:08:21,800 --> 01:08:24,439
Speaker 1: that maybe I could just try to find clarity because

1252
01:08:24,439 --> 01:08:26,320
Speaker 1: they always say go to go to God, go to

1253
01:08:26,439 --> 01:08:29,800
Speaker 1: you know, I'm trying to find clarity, and you know,

1254
01:08:29,840 --> 01:08:32,120
Speaker 1: he's like, I'd love to sit down with you. Well,

1255
01:08:32,160 --> 01:08:36,479
Speaker 1: this goes back to the wedding party email because the

1256
01:08:36,520 --> 01:08:41,360
Speaker 1: pastor that married us also had indiscretions with his wife

1257
01:08:41,720 --> 01:08:44,599
Speaker 1: m and so how do I So it's like that

1258
01:08:44,680 --> 01:08:47,200
Speaker 1: was when I was really like trusting God and everything,

1259
01:08:47,200 --> 01:08:49,640
Speaker 1: and then I'm like, but then he lies to He

1260
01:08:49,640 --> 01:08:51,600
Speaker 1: didn't have to tell me anything like he had. He

1261
01:08:51,640 --> 01:08:53,680
Speaker 1: didn't have to say anything to us, like that's not

1262
01:08:53,760 --> 01:08:56,479
Speaker 1: But I confided in him when things went down in

1263
01:08:56,960 --> 01:09:00,880
Speaker 1: my relationship with Mike at the time, and he just

1264
01:09:00,920 --> 01:09:03,320
Speaker 1: sat there and I just remember being like why you know,

1265
01:09:03,360 --> 01:09:05,800
Speaker 1: of course because your marriage, you know, And again he

1266
01:09:05,800 --> 01:09:07,479
Speaker 1: doesn't have to say anything that I just so it's

1267
01:09:07,479 --> 01:09:09,320
Speaker 1: always just kind of like, oh, I'm just like scared

1268
01:09:09,360 --> 01:09:10,680
Speaker 1: to have that. I don't even know why I'm saying

1269
01:09:10,720 --> 01:09:12,880
Speaker 1: all this, but I just encourage you to not let

1270
01:09:12,920 --> 01:09:15,120
Speaker 1: the humans get in the way of your God relationship,

1271
01:09:16,800 --> 01:09:21,760
Speaker 1: because ultimately it's the human nous of those people like

1272
01:09:22,080 --> 01:09:25,799
Speaker 1: pastors and preachers and every you know, those people want

1273
01:09:26,000 --> 01:09:29,439
Speaker 1: to be an example of, and they've signed up for

1274
01:09:29,479 --> 01:09:31,880
Speaker 1: a really big job because I don't know that I

1275
01:09:31,920 --> 01:09:35,120
Speaker 1: could ever do that and try to live biblically like

1276
01:09:35,240 --> 01:09:39,280
Speaker 1: they do. They would come out of the woodwork. But

1277
01:09:39,720 --> 01:09:43,479
Speaker 1: it's the humanness of people gets in the way. So

1278
01:09:43,760 --> 01:09:49,840
Speaker 1: we can't idolize anyone here. We can only confide in

1279
01:09:49,920 --> 01:09:53,479
Speaker 1: and have a relationship with the one with a capital

1280
01:09:53,479 --> 01:09:56,760
Speaker 1: oh that we know is the constant. So were you

1281
01:09:56,760 --> 01:09:58,400
Speaker 1: mad at the pastor? Or were you mad at God?

1282
01:09:58,479 --> 01:10:00,439
Speaker 1: Can we know what the message was that really want? Like? God?

1283
01:10:00,520 --> 01:10:03,840
Speaker 1: That's okay too, Yeah, he can take it. I was

1284
01:10:03,920 --> 01:10:05,800
Speaker 1: more mad at like they were. He was talking about

1285
01:10:05,800 --> 01:10:08,200
Speaker 1: repenting and how people should you know, the people that

1286
01:10:08,360 --> 01:10:14,839
Speaker 1: um have hurt others and have these addictions or these

1287
01:10:15,479 --> 01:10:17,639
Speaker 1: character defects that they need to let go of, they

1288
01:10:17,640 --> 01:10:20,720
Speaker 1: can be healed, and then I'm like more hopeful for

1289
01:10:20,760 --> 01:10:23,040
Speaker 1: the addict. So they're hopeful for them for the but

1290
01:10:23,120 --> 01:10:26,120
Speaker 1: then not hopeful for the Well, then what do we

1291
01:10:26,200 --> 01:10:30,000
Speaker 1: do right the ones that continue to be hurt in

1292
01:10:30,120 --> 01:10:34,680
Speaker 1: led to what happens there? I don't know addictions. Not

1293
01:10:34,760 --> 01:10:37,439
Speaker 1: trying to play a victim, No, No, I'm just like

1294
01:10:37,479 --> 01:10:40,240
Speaker 1: in that moment, I was just feeling like there's so

1295
01:10:40,320 --> 01:10:42,320
Speaker 1: much grace for one side, and you're like, where's the

1296
01:10:42,360 --> 01:10:46,640
Speaker 1: grace for the other right? Where the strength? Really? Yeah,

1297
01:10:47,000 --> 01:10:51,080
Speaker 1: maybe that's next week, but well maybe after my d

1298
01:10:51,240 --> 01:10:53,960
Speaker 1: M it will be He's like, well, I gotta sharpen

1299
01:10:54,040 --> 01:10:57,439
Speaker 1: up something. I do think, like those hopeful messages, there's

1300
01:10:57,439 --> 01:10:59,719
Speaker 1: so much like grace that goes out to the people.

1301
01:11:00,840 --> 01:11:02,920
Speaker 1: We're all broken, So I don't know a way to

1302
01:11:02,960 --> 01:11:04,960
Speaker 1: frame it, but like I'll say, like in this case,

1303
01:11:05,800 --> 01:11:08,120
Speaker 1: the people that have the addiction, and then there's the

1304
01:11:08,160 --> 01:11:09,799
Speaker 1: people on the other side that are trying to support

1305
01:11:09,840 --> 01:11:11,439
Speaker 1: the people with the addiction that are going to church

1306
01:11:11,479 --> 01:11:14,599
Speaker 1: to be like Okay, I gotta like, you know, gear

1307
01:11:14,720 --> 01:11:17,639
Speaker 1: up and feel good. And and I do think when

1308
01:11:17,640 --> 01:11:20,679
Speaker 1: you're angry, that's the humanness part that I was talking about,

1309
01:11:20,760 --> 01:11:24,439
Speaker 1: Like when you're angry with with your people, it's hard.

1310
01:11:25,880 --> 01:11:29,479
Speaker 1: We don't have like we can try to extend God's grace,

1311
01:11:29,560 --> 01:11:32,559
Speaker 1: but I don't know that we really have the full

1312
01:11:32,560 --> 01:11:35,760
Speaker 1: ability to do what God has done for us. I

1313
01:11:35,760 --> 01:11:38,639
Speaker 1: mean gave us the son, you know, so I don't.

1314
01:11:38,680 --> 01:11:40,320
Speaker 1: I think we just kind of have to like know

1315
01:11:40,439 --> 01:11:42,479
Speaker 1: it's okay to be frustrated and know it's okay to

1316
01:11:42,560 --> 01:11:45,960
Speaker 1: just not be okay sometimes. I mean I've I've left feeling.

1317
01:11:46,000 --> 01:11:48,799
Speaker 1: I leave a lot of relationships in my life feeling.

1318
01:11:49,520 --> 01:11:53,719
Speaker 1: Just as you're saying right now, addiction is a beast.

1319
01:11:54,760 --> 01:11:57,599
Speaker 1: I'm just talking about addiction, no, but I mean like broken,

1320
01:11:57,720 --> 01:12:00,880
Speaker 1: So that's where it resonates with me. The addictions aren't

1321
01:12:00,880 --> 01:12:02,559
Speaker 1: the same, but like, so what do you do with it? Then?

1322
01:12:03,840 --> 01:12:06,320
Speaker 1: With everyone you know? Like, how do you? How do

1323
01:12:06,360 --> 01:12:09,920
Speaker 1: you leave then? Because and I think it's just And

1324
01:12:09,960 --> 01:12:11,680
Speaker 1: I said this to my to Catherine, who was on

1325
01:12:11,760 --> 01:12:13,040
Speaker 1: last week. I told her, I go, I don't know

1326
01:12:13,080 --> 01:12:14,880
Speaker 1: why it is every single time I'm in church, I

1327
01:12:14,920 --> 01:12:16,439
Speaker 1: want to cry, but I don't because I don't want

1328
01:12:16,439 --> 01:12:20,320
Speaker 1: to look weak. Oh cry it out. But it's like

1329
01:12:20,400 --> 01:12:22,320
Speaker 1: it's like I won't let him. And he's like, well,

1330
01:12:22,320 --> 01:12:24,680
Speaker 1: that's God trying to get into you. But I'm like,

1331
01:12:24,760 --> 01:12:27,960
Speaker 1: I I won't. I won't like do it, I won't

1332
01:12:27,960 --> 01:12:29,559
Speaker 1: like release anything. And like, and there was even a

1333
01:12:29,600 --> 01:12:32,120
Speaker 1: prayer group that like was in front of church and

1334
01:12:32,120 --> 01:12:34,320
Speaker 1: I wanted to go up there and like asked for

1335
01:12:34,640 --> 01:12:37,439
Speaker 1: some certain prayers. But I was embarrassed and I walked

1336
01:12:37,439 --> 01:12:38,479
Speaker 1: away and I ran and I just went and cry

1337
01:12:38,520 --> 01:12:40,320
Speaker 1: in the car. I actually did go this week to

1338
01:12:40,360 --> 01:12:44,439
Speaker 1: the front. You did, cried like a baby, went up

1339
01:12:44,439 --> 01:12:46,760
Speaker 1: and said one sentence and just cried and just let

1340
01:12:46,840 --> 01:12:48,800
Speaker 1: him pray over me. See, I find I just I

1341
01:12:48,800 --> 01:12:53,479
Speaker 1: don't know why I get uncomfortable. I'm not your style

1342
01:12:53,560 --> 01:12:55,280
Speaker 1: to know, but I want it to be. I just

1343
01:12:55,280 --> 01:12:58,600
Speaker 1: get uncomfortable. Like I'm so jealous of the people in

1344
01:12:58,720 --> 01:13:01,559
Speaker 1: church that have their hands up been praising me. I

1345
01:13:01,560 --> 01:13:03,320
Speaker 1: look at them and I'm like, I wish I could

1346
01:13:03,320 --> 01:13:06,960
Speaker 1: do that one time. No rip off the band aid

1347
01:13:06,960 --> 01:13:08,439
Speaker 1: one too, Like I like even saying it like makes

1348
01:13:08,439 --> 01:13:10,080
Speaker 1: me want to cry because I'm like I want to,

1349
01:13:10,120 --> 01:13:11,960
Speaker 1: but I'm afraid too, because then I'm like, well then

1350
01:13:12,000 --> 01:13:14,760
Speaker 1: if I give that, then I'm like, then it's you know,

1351
01:13:15,400 --> 01:13:17,840
Speaker 1: it's a little loss of control. Well, it's a loss

1352
01:13:17,840 --> 01:13:19,680
Speaker 1: of control. But also like, is he going to be

1353
01:13:19,720 --> 01:13:21,960
Speaker 1: there for me because everyone else hasn't been there? Who

1354
01:13:22,120 --> 01:13:24,439
Speaker 1: he the big guy? The big guys always there. But

1355
01:13:24,680 --> 01:13:27,760
Speaker 1: that's my thing. When it starts with like abandonment from

1356
01:13:27,840 --> 01:13:30,920
Speaker 1: early childhood wounds. You don't think that man is going

1357
01:13:30,960 --> 01:13:33,040
Speaker 1: to be there for you because that man wasn't. Yeah,

1358
01:13:33,080 --> 01:13:35,960
Speaker 1: but that was the human man. That's the human nous.

1359
01:13:36,200 --> 01:13:38,519
Speaker 1: Don't let the humans ruin your relationship with the one,

1360
01:13:38,880 --> 01:13:43,760
Speaker 1: the one real guy. You know, this just got real deep.

1361
01:13:44,720 --> 01:13:46,679
Speaker 1: I just encourage you, Like I used to not put

1362
01:13:46,680 --> 01:13:48,000
Speaker 1: my hands up, I used to not go to the

1363
01:13:48,000 --> 01:13:50,640
Speaker 1: front for prayer. But I also just got to a

1364
01:13:50,680 --> 01:13:54,200
Speaker 1: point where I was like, just get so defeated that

1365
01:13:54,240 --> 01:13:56,160
Speaker 1: you're like, what can it hurt? I guess is where

1366
01:13:56,200 --> 01:13:59,080
Speaker 1: I went to, like I'm only up from here. And

1367
01:13:59,200 --> 01:14:01,280
Speaker 1: last Sunday was one of those Sundays where I was

1368
01:14:01,360 --> 01:14:04,120
Speaker 1: like just a real hard Sunday. It was a hard

1369
01:14:04,200 --> 01:14:09,000
Speaker 1: fight with my husband. It was you know, I battle

1370
01:14:09,080 --> 01:14:11,240
Speaker 1: sometimes even with the church right now, with like the

1371
01:14:11,280 --> 01:14:13,360
Speaker 1: amount of violence that goes on in a church, Like

1372
01:14:13,760 --> 01:14:16,519
Speaker 1: I do want to go, but now do I feel safe?

1373
01:14:16,600 --> 01:14:19,360
Speaker 1: It's like there's we're all have so many layers, but

1374
01:14:20,720 --> 01:14:23,320
Speaker 1: I don't know, you just feel closer and better and

1375
01:14:23,360 --> 01:14:27,840
Speaker 1: cry and release and it's like I just even if

1376
01:14:27,880 --> 01:14:29,880
Speaker 1: the people that are standing next to you are there

1377
01:14:29,880 --> 01:14:32,000
Speaker 1: for the right reasons, they'd be the ones that would

1378
01:14:32,040 --> 01:14:35,160
Speaker 1: put a hand on your back or pray for you

1379
01:14:35,280 --> 01:14:37,080
Speaker 1: before they'd ever judge you. And if they're there for

1380
01:14:37,120 --> 01:14:39,439
Speaker 1: the wrong reasons, then that's their own demon to fight.

1381
01:14:39,479 --> 01:14:41,320
Speaker 1: You know what, if you just stay there and you

1382
01:14:41,320 --> 01:14:43,120
Speaker 1: don't say a word, you don't have to speak, you

1383
01:14:43,160 --> 01:14:48,320
Speaker 1: can just stayd there, you go with me, then then

1384
01:14:48,360 --> 01:14:49,920
Speaker 1: that's what you do. I don't think you have to

1385
01:14:49,960 --> 01:14:51,960
Speaker 1: say anything. I just you can just go up there

1386
01:14:52,040 --> 01:14:54,439
Speaker 1: and just be And they wouldn't know that too. It's

1387
01:14:54,439 --> 01:14:57,640
Speaker 1: just because I even noticed. I just I noticed that

1388
01:14:57,680 --> 01:15:00,679
Speaker 1: every time I'm in church, I just get so eyes

1389
01:15:00,760 --> 01:15:03,439
Speaker 1: well and I'm like no, no, And then to like

1390
01:15:03,520 --> 01:15:05,360
Speaker 1: someone you know, dm me and was like, I saw

1391
01:15:05,400 --> 01:15:07,519
Speaker 1: you at church, and I'm like, yeah, well that's the

1392
01:15:07,560 --> 01:15:10,759
Speaker 1: other yea. You know. So I'm like, well, I gotta

1393
01:15:10,880 --> 01:15:14,559
Speaker 1: you know, I can't even I don't know, but you

1394
01:15:14,680 --> 01:15:18,320
Speaker 1: but you can, I know. And I wonder too if

1395
01:15:18,360 --> 01:15:22,200
Speaker 1: it will become a point where you feel the pool

1396
01:15:22,320 --> 01:15:25,320
Speaker 1: so strongly. I had never cried in church, and I

1397
01:15:25,360 --> 01:15:27,360
Speaker 1: remember the exact sermon where I just let it out.

1398
01:15:27,400 --> 01:15:29,760
Speaker 1: I couldn't help it. It didn't hit anything on the

1399
01:15:29,800 --> 01:15:32,360
Speaker 1: way out, it just came out. It was like this person.

1400
01:15:32,560 --> 01:15:35,080
Speaker 1: This pastor was telling the story and it literally lined

1401
01:15:35,160 --> 01:15:38,080
Speaker 1: up so identical with my childhood that like, I had

1402
01:15:38,120 --> 01:15:42,120
Speaker 1: no choice and I just lost it. And I wonder

1403
01:15:42,160 --> 01:15:47,559
Speaker 1: if that will be what happened where you can't where

1404
01:15:47,600 --> 01:15:49,680
Speaker 1: your humanness doesn't get in the way. Yeah, I mean

1405
01:15:49,680 --> 01:15:51,840
Speaker 1: I would just I you know, I didn't grow up

1406
01:15:51,840 --> 01:15:55,240
Speaker 1: in a We went every Easter, every Christmas, I didn't,

1407
01:15:55,520 --> 01:15:59,559
Speaker 1: you know, And we started to go, Um, we didn't

1408
01:15:59,560 --> 01:16:01,640
Speaker 1: really go in l A. And we've made it a

1409
01:16:01,680 --> 01:16:05,400
Speaker 1: pack to go every Sunday. Um. But it's just it's

1410
01:16:05,400 --> 01:16:09,519
Speaker 1: a journey. Yeah, and I'm on it. It's interesting. But

1411
01:16:09,520 --> 01:16:12,519
Speaker 1: I'm gonna start volunteering to watch the kiddos for the

1412
01:16:12,520 --> 01:16:14,960
Speaker 1: first service. And then I thought about doing that too.

1413
01:16:15,320 --> 01:16:17,240
Speaker 1: I'm pumped about that, and then I get nervous about

1414
01:16:17,280 --> 01:16:22,000
Speaker 1: term good episode. Ladies, I love you, I love you,

1415
01:16:22,120 --> 01:16:25,920
Speaker 1: Jesus loves you, of God loves you. Let's you're a

1416
01:16:25,920 --> 01:16:29,000
Speaker 1: good friend. Don't talk about lunch tomorrow. I love you

1417
01:16:29,040 --> 01:16:34,240
Speaker 1: so much. You're a good friend. By next week. Bye bye,