Speaker 1: Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce
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Speaker 1: yours today. When you become an adult, you maybe see
Speaker 1: your friends once a week if you're lucky, for an
Speaker 1: hour or two, so it's much harder to build that
Speaker 1: depth and because of this, we often find it more
Speaker 1: comfortable to be around old friends, even if we don't
Speaker 1: connect and don't resonate, compared to new friends who we
Speaker 1: may have to make more effort with the number one
Speaker 1: health and well Inness podcast, Jay Setty, Jay Chetty, Hey, everyone,
Speaker 1: Welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn,
Speaker 1: and grow. My name's Jay Chetty, and I am grateful
Speaker 1: as ever that you decided to tune in, whether you're
Speaker 1: driving to work, driving back, walking, walking your dog, working out, cooking,
Speaker 1: whatever you're up to. Thank you for being here right
Speaker 1: now now. A couple of weeks ago, I posted a
Speaker 1: TikTok Instagram reel and I was talking about the difference
Speaker 1: between real friends and fake friends. And it was something
Speaker 1: I was thinking about for a while now because I
Speaker 1: started to find that as we get older, we start
Speaker 1: to think different about friendships. I remember seeing this quote
Speaker 1: years ago and it was on a meme and it
Speaker 1: said my circle has gone smaller but grown in value,
Speaker 1: and it showed a large coin that was thinner moving
Speaker 1: into a smaller coin that was thicker and worth more.
Speaker 1: And it's just interesting how I think so many of
Speaker 1: us think about our relationships that way. So in this
Speaker 1: TikTok and in this real I said, real friends clap
Speaker 1: the loudest when you win, even if they're still waiting
Speaker 1: for their turn. Think about that for a minute. Real
Speaker 1: friends don't get jealous, they don't get envious. That's one
Speaker 1: of the core traits of a real friend. When they
Speaker 1: see you win, they see what's possible. When they see
Speaker 1: you win, they want to know how they can join
Speaker 1: in and celebrate, how they can make you feel happy,
Speaker 1: how they can honor what you've achieved. I then went
Speaker 1: on to say, real friend lift you up even when
Speaker 1: they're carrying their own weight. I think so many of
Speaker 1: us have been this friend. So many of us have
Speaker 1: these friends that show up for us even when we
Speaker 1: know it isn't easy for them. I then said, real
Speaker 1: friends know your success is a reflection of hard work,
Speaker 1: not luck. When you start to become successful, when you
Speaker 1: start to make moves, when you start to see some progress,
Speaker 1: people around you will start to say you're lucky, You're fortunate.
Speaker 1: You should be grateful. Now here's the thing. You should
Speaker 1: feel that way. It's great to feel grateful, fortunate, and
Speaker 1: lucky when it's for yourself. But your real friends see
Speaker 1: and remind you that it was your hard work that
Speaker 1: paid off. It was your hustle, it was your commitment,
Speaker 1: it was your dedication, it was the hours that you
Speaker 1: put in. They saw that, They know that, and they
Speaker 1: remind you of that. I then went on to say,
Speaker 1: real friends are happy to see you shine because your
Speaker 1: light doesn't dim theirs, and real friends do the same back.
Speaker 1: But something I've heard from so many of you recently
Speaker 1: is that making new friends as an adult is exhausting,
Speaker 1: and we want it to be easier. Right. We all
Speaker 1: want to have meaningful relationships. We keep hearing about it
Speaker 1: in every podcast, in every episode, that the quality of
Speaker 1: your relationships defines the quality of your life. It's the
Speaker 1: thing that we hold as the highest metric in what
Speaker 1: makes us feel like we had a good life at
Speaker 1: the end of our life. Yet as we grow older,
Speaker 1: we change jobs, we move countries, we move cities, and
Speaker 1: it feels as though we don't have the same friends
Speaker 1: around us, or some of us may have the same
Speaker 1: friends around us and we haven't moved, but we've grown. Right,
Speaker 1: You may not have moved city or moved country, but
Speaker 1: you've moved on and so that group of friends that
Speaker 1: you up around doesn't feel like your people anymore. For me,
Speaker 1: I've moved so much right in my years of being
Speaker 1: an adult. I've lived in India, I've lived in New York,
Speaker 1: I've lived in la I have moved around a lot.
Speaker 1: And one thing that I knew I had to do
Speaker 1: as I was moving, was prioritize building community, building friendships
Speaker 1: as much as I focused on building my career. Wherever
Speaker 1: I went, I made it a priority to build community.
Speaker 1: And the reason was because I didn't want to be lonely.
Speaker 1: I didn't want to end up feeling like I'd achieved
Speaker 1: all my goals but that I didn't have anyone to
Speaker 1: share it with. I didn't want to feel like I'd
Speaker 1: achieved what I wanted to do, but I didn't have
Speaker 1: people that I had memories with. And so today's episode
Speaker 1: is for anyone who's thinking about making friends as an
Speaker 1: adult but finds it exhausting and wants it to be easier.
Speaker 1: So I want to start with this. First of all,
Speaker 1: if you feel like it's exhausting to make friends as
Speaker 1: you get older, you're not imagining it. It's true. It's
Speaker 1: actually harder. Researchers have actually studied this. A massive twenty
Speaker 1: twenty meta analysis found that friendship networks start shrinking after
Speaker 1: your mid twenties, not because you're doing anything wrong, but
Speaker 1: because life just changes. Work ramps up, people move, Family
Speaker 1: becomes more central. You have kids to think about, right,
Speaker 1: you have family members to worry about. Social psychologist Robin
Speaker 1: Dunbar says we can only maintain about one hundred and
Speaker 1: fifty meaningful relationships, and to be honest, that sounds exhausting
Speaker 1: in and of itself. But they go on to say,
Speaker 1: we can only have five close friends, and in our thirties,
Speaker 1: sometimes those five people just become our partner, her kids,
Speaker 1: and one of our parents or maybe two of our parents,
Speaker 1: And so that number five is so limited. By the way,
Speaker 1: this is natural. Your social energy gets stretched dinner, you
Speaker 1: got to think about work, you got to think about responsibilities.
Speaker 1: So first of all, it's really natural. It's not because
Speaker 1: there's something wrong with you. It's not because you made
Speaker 1: a mistake. It's not because you're weak. Right, So here's
Speaker 1: a mini experiment that I want to share with you.
Speaker 1: For this one, ask yourself this question who do I miss?
Speaker 1: I call this the who do I Miss? Test? Ask yourself?
Speaker 1: Who have I thought about lately and wished I saw
Speaker 1: more of? Who's that person in our life that we
Speaker 1: actually have a lot of good memories with And maybe
Speaker 1: they've moved, maybe we've moved, maybe we don't see each
Speaker 1: other as much, Maybe they got a new job, maybe
Speaker 1: you had a kid. Who's that person you genuinely miss.
Speaker 1: Who's that person that you have so many good memories
Speaker 1: with but it's just been a while. Here's what I
Speaker 1: want you to do. I want you to text them,
Speaker 1: text that person and say, hey, I miss seeing you.
Speaker 1: Should we grab a quick coffee? Should we go for
Speaker 1: a walk? Or if you live far away, do we
Speaker 1: need to arrange something? You know, it doesn't need to
Speaker 1: be a huge plan. You can start small, even with
Speaker 1: a zoom or a FaceTime. But reconnect with the one
Speaker 1: person who already gets you. I think so often we
Speaker 1: think we have to have new friends, We think we
Speaker 1: have to move on. But there's someone in your life
Speaker 1: who deeply gets you, who already knows your heart, who
Speaker 1: can already read in between the lines. I reconnected with
Speaker 1: some of my high school friends, and it's really interesting
Speaker 1: because when you went to high school with someone, you
Speaker 1: just have a shorthand. And I think there's a mistake
Speaker 1: we make with this mindset as well. We think that
Speaker 1: our old friends were our real friends and our new
Speaker 1: friends are not real friends. The difference is time when
Speaker 1: you were young, you spend every hour at school with
Speaker 1: the friend. You then probably came home and spoke to
Speaker 1: them on the phone or texted the message that maybe
Speaker 1: even went out with them. We were spending around nine
Speaker 1: hours a day minimum with someone, and that's how we
Speaker 1: became friends over three, five, seven, eight years of our life.
Speaker 1: When you become an adult, you maybe see your friends
Speaker 1: once a week, if you're lucky, for an hour or two.
Speaker 1: So it's much harder to build that depth. And because
Speaker 1: of this, we often find it more comfortable to be
Speaker 1: around old friends, even if we don't connect and don't resonate,
Speaker 1: compared to new friends who we may have to make
Speaker 1: more effort with. I think that's part of where the
Speaker 1: exhausting thing comes from. Right. It's like with new friends,
Speaker 1: you got to show up, you got to make plans.
Speaker 1: You feel like you can't just be on your phone,
Speaker 1: you can't just lay back. It actually requires something of you.
Speaker 1: And I think this is principle number two. I want
Speaker 1: you to recognize that your brain has become more guarded. Now. See,
Speaker 1: when you're younger, your brain's more plastic, more open to novelty.
Speaker 1: But by your thirties, your brain actually becomes more risk averse.
Speaker 1: According to neuroscience research, you're a migdaler, the part of
Speaker 1: your brain that handles. Fear lights up more when meeting
Speaker 1: new people. As you age, we become more cynical, more skeptical,
Speaker 1: more doubtful. Why because you now have more experiences of rejection,
Speaker 1: of awkwardness, maybe people stabbing you in the back, mistreating you,
Speaker 1: people not being loyal. So your brain tries to protect
Speaker 1: you by making you avoid potential discomfort. So it's not
Speaker 1: just you being antisocial. Right. You might be thinking, Hey,
Speaker 1: I just feel like I'm becoming more an introvert. I
Speaker 1: feel like I'm being more antisocial. No, it's your brain
Speaker 1: plain defense, right, that's what's happening. You're being more defensive
Speaker 1: and this is natural. Again, but what does that do?
Speaker 1: It means we spend less time and more skeptical time
Speaker 1: with new people, and we assume that we can't make
Speaker 1: good friends anymore. I want you to try something out.
Speaker 1: Here's a mini experiment. I call it the two minute rule.
Speaker 1: Next time you're in a new space, like an event,
Speaker 1: a workout, class, a friend's dinner, friend's birthday, just make
Speaker 1: a two minute connection. Compliment someone, ask a question, say
Speaker 1: one friendly sentence. No pressure to make a new bestie. Write,
Speaker 1: You're just training your brain to stop seeing socializing as
Speaker 1: a threat, smile it someone in the line, start a
Speaker 1: conversation with someone while you're waiting in line, whatever it
Speaker 1: may be. And by the way, it may feel weird
Speaker 1: at first, but you start to realize how everyone's craving it.
Speaker 1: Everyone is craving connection. Everyone around you wants to connect
Speaker 1: with someone, wants to break out their mold. Is looking
Speaker 1: for friends. That's what I've realized as adults, more of
Speaker 1: us are looking for friends than we believe. It's just
Speaker 1: that everyone's acting too cool. Everyone's acting like they don't
Speaker 1: need it. Everyone's acting like, you know, it's just not
Speaker 1: what they're looking for. And because of that, we start
Speaker 1: to think, oh, well, you know, why am I the
Speaker 1: one putting in effort. So it's just something to think about.
Speaker 1: I want you to pause for a second and ask yourself,
Speaker 1: when have you actually had someone in your life that
Speaker 1: you drifted away from, someone that you may not even
Speaker 1: have a reason, and maybe there was a hidden reason.
Speaker 1: Sometimes we've disconnected from someone because of a hidden reason.
Speaker 1: You didn't really have a falling out, you didn't really
Speaker 1: stop talking, but you stop talking, if you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. And it's so important to figure out what
Speaker 1: The root of that was because sometimes it's harder to
Speaker 1: make new friends and it's exhausting, and it can be
Speaker 1: easier to reconnect with an old friend. So this may
Speaker 1: not be someone you miss, it may not be something
Speaker 1: you think about, but it's someone you drifted away from,
Speaker 1: but you I really don't know why. Now. Something that
Speaker 1: happens with new friends as we get older is you're
Speaker 1: more selective now. And that's not a bad thing. In
Speaker 1: your thirties, you care more about alignment than abundance of friends.
Speaker 1: Right in your thirties, as you get older, in your forties,
Speaker 1: as an adult, you focus on alignment more than abundance.
Speaker 1: You've been burned. You're tired of fake friends, flaky plans,
Speaker 1: and emotional one way streets, and psychologists call this motivated selectivity.
Speaker 1: You start prioritizing depth over breadth. Now that's not a weakness,
Speaker 1: but it's a surprise because when you were younger, you
Speaker 1: maybe didn't do that, and maybe that was the reason
Speaker 1: you got burned. Right, how many of you had friends
Speaker 1: when you were younger and you almost just were best
Speaker 1: friends overnight, and then you realize that that person you
Speaker 1: know was trying to get with your boyfriend was needy,
Speaker 1: was exploiting you in some way, whatever it may have been.
Speaker 1: So we become more selective as we get older, which
Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong with, but it can feel lonelier at
Speaker 1: first because you're waiting for deeper connections while only shallow
Speaker 1: ones seem easy to find. See, the interesting thing is
Speaker 1: we want a deep connection, but every deep connection started
Speaker 1: off shallow. Think about that for a second. Every deep
Speaker 1: connection started off shallow. Now, sometimes you have this instant chemistry,
Speaker 1: instant spark with someone. Now that's beautiful when you have that.
Speaker 1: I someone has had that with someone on the podcast.
Speaker 1: That doesn't mean it needs to turn into a full
Speaker 1: blown best friend situation. But it's important to realize that
Speaker 1: you can't build a deep connection without walking through the shallow.
Speaker 1: So you have to ask yourself, who have you met recently?
Speaker 1: Who have you connected with recently that you haven't put
Speaker 1: enough effort in with? You know, you need to put
Speaker 1: an effort. Yes, it's going to be exhausting, maybe the
Speaker 1: first time, maybe the second time, I promise you, by
Speaker 1: the third time, it's not that exhausting. Right By the
Speaker 1: third time, it's you feel natural. The first time it
Speaker 1: might be exhausting. Second time, it might be exhausting. We
Speaker 1: have to push through that because imagine if one of
Speaker 1: your greatest friends is three hangouts away, right, We're so
Speaker 1: scared of the exhausting three hangouts that we don't realize
Speaker 1: that by the fourth time, I'm going to be able
Speaker 1: to connect with this person and actually that person becomes
Speaker 1: someone easy for life, That person becomes someone natural for
Speaker 1: life that I can go to. It's good enough. It's
Speaker 1: worth it to sit through the three awkward, exhausting, tiring
Speaker 1: times to break through that barrier and give it a go.
Speaker 1: So give it a go. That person that you've connected
Speaker 1: with recently, reach out to them, set up on one
Speaker 1: on one hang out, check in, work out, what, whatever
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Speaker 1: we make it much easier? There's something I love. I
Speaker 1: call it the friction rule. Research and behavioral science shows
Speaker 1: we do things more when there's less friction aka less effort.
Speaker 1: So don't try to start brand new routines. Instead ask
Speaker 1: where am I already going that I could add a
Speaker 1: connection to. If I go to a workout, let me
Speaker 1: have someone that I go to that workout with. Right.
Speaker 1: If I go for a walk after work, let me
Speaker 1: find someone I have that walk with. If I love
Speaker 1: going out for a bunch on the weekend, let me
Speaker 1: add someone to that. So it's the tag along invite.
Speaker 1: Next time we go into the gym, farmers market, or
Speaker 1: even errands, text someone, Hey, I'm going here, do you
Speaker 1: want to come with me? It's low pressure. It adds
Speaker 1: connection to something you're already doing, so now it's less exhausting.
Speaker 1: The exhausting part is when you have to create plans,
Speaker 1: add plans, make plans, make time. This is something you're
Speaker 1: doing already. It doesn't create friction in your life. That's
Speaker 1: why it's the no friction rule. Number one. Use the
Speaker 1: no friction rule to me. This has become one of
Speaker 1: my secret weapons. I feel like I'm able to spend
Speaker 1: so much quality time with people without having to make
Speaker 1: it crazy and without feeling like I'm having to take
Speaker 1: more time out of my life. Another thing I love
Speaker 1: is creating micro routines. There's a lot of people that
Speaker 1: I can't see every week, people that I like, people
Speaker 1: that I actually would like to spend more time with,
Speaker 1: but I couldn't see them every week because I want
Speaker 1: to prioritize my time with my wife, I want to
Speaker 1: prioritize my time on my own, and I want to
Speaker 1: prioritize my time with my team. So big plans often
Speaker 1: get canceled, but tiny rituals create consistency, which is what
Speaker 1: friendships actually need to grow as adults. Right, So when
Speaker 1: you were young, you saw someone at school every day. Now,
Speaker 1: as adults, you're not going to be able to do that.
Speaker 1: So research shows it takes about ninety hours to form
Speaker 1: a casual friend and two hundred hours to get close.
Speaker 1: But that time isn't going to happen very quickly as
Speaker 1: an adult. It happened like in one year at school,
Speaker 1: less than right. That's the point. You did that in
Speaker 1: one semester at school. You're not doing that with your
Speaker 1: adult friends. So try this. Try the mini experiment of
Speaker 1: a ten minute touch point. Pick one person you like
Speaker 1: and set a calendar reminder to text them once a week.
Speaker 1: You can say Hey, randomly thought of you, just checking in,
Speaker 1: how's your week? Do you want to catch up this month?
Speaker 1: It allowed you to keep someone on your radar, they're
Speaker 1: on yours, and you keep watering the seed. I do this.
Speaker 1: Every time I think of someone, I messages them, and
Speaker 1: nine nine percent of the time I get a message
Speaker 1: that says I was just thinking of you too. And
Speaker 1: I love it when this happens because it makes you
Speaker 1: realize the people you naturally connect with. Someone may even say, hey,
Speaker 1: I just thought of you. You're not going to walk tomorrow. Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm going to this event. You want to join me? Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm going on a hike. Do you want to join me?
Speaker 1: Like it becomes this really easy way to connect with people,
Speaker 1: and it takes away the stress and the pressure that
Speaker 1: we add on to friendships. Right. We often think it
Speaker 1: has to be a big plan, it has to be
Speaker 1: really interesting. It's the micro routines that win. This is
Speaker 1: probably my favorite one and one that I've used a
Speaker 1: lot since moving LA. I call it say the thing.
Speaker 1: Sometimes the best way to spark connection is to admit
Speaker 1: you want it. One study found that people consistently underestimate
Speaker 1: how much others like them after meeting. This is known
Speaker 1: as the liking gap. We assume we're awkward or annoying,
Speaker 1: but we're usually way more appreciated than we think. Think
Speaker 1: about this for a second. When was the last time
Speaker 1: you connected with someone and you walked away thinking, Oh,
Speaker 1: they probably think I'm not that interesting. Guess what? That
Speaker 1: person walked away feeling the exact same thing, unless you're
Speaker 1: both narcissists, and in that case, you walked away thinking
Speaker 1: that you're the best thing they ever happened to them.
Speaker 1: But most of us we doubt ourselves right. We doubt
Speaker 1: whether we were interesting enough, whether we were friendly enough,
Speaker 1: whether we were nice enough, and we overthink that and
Speaker 1: then we don't know how we feel about it. So
Speaker 1: here's what I want you to try out. I want
Speaker 1: you to try out the honest message. Send this to
Speaker 1: someone you kind of know but want to know better. Hey,
Speaker 1: I loved our conversation lately. Let's grab some lunch. Right.
Speaker 1: It feels awkward for ten seconds, but it opens a door,
Speaker 1: and I promise you people are looking for this. I
Speaker 1: originally had an I was at an event. Someone came
Speaker 1: up to me. They were saying to me how much
Speaker 1: they liked my work. I realized I knew of their work.
Speaker 1: They're behind the scenes and they do amazing stuff too.
Speaker 1: Then we connected on a zoom call, and for me,
Speaker 1: it was just so easy, like I just vibed with
Speaker 1: this person, and I realized it's so important to wear
Speaker 1: your heart on your sleeve. Right. I wear my heart
Speaker 1: on my sleeve because I'd rather someone know where I
Speaker 1: stand with them than keep them guessing and keep myself
Speaker 1: distant from a great relationship. So a lot of this
Speaker 1: is hard, it does feel weird, but I want you
Speaker 1: to focus on the one you miss, the one you
Speaker 1: drifted from, the one you haven't invested in yet, and overall,
Speaker 1: it's about recognizing that the reason why it's harder to
Speaker 1: make friends as an adult is because it almost takes
Speaker 1: longer for that person to get caught up. It's almost
Speaker 1: like they're meeting you at chapter third and you're like, wow,
Speaker 1: now they need to understand chapter one to thirty to
Speaker 1: understand me. And it's a really tough pressure to put
Speaker 1: on to someone you just met. Right, even if you
Speaker 1: told that person your whole life story, they'll never get
Speaker 1: caught up in one swoop. But guess what when your
Speaker 1: parents in town get everyone together when your friends are
Speaker 1: in town. Get everyone together. When you can start to
Speaker 1: do that, the person gets an opportunity to piece your
Speaker 1: story together over time. Now you're not trying to play
Speaker 1: catch up, and you're also not putting the pressure of
Speaker 1: saying hey, only if you understand the first nineteen chapters
Speaker 1: of my life? Do you understand the twentieth Some people
Speaker 1: walked into our life in the twentieth chapter, and guess
Speaker 1: what they're going to be here till our fortieth chapter.
Speaker 1: They're gonna understand us. Give them some grace. Stop putting
Speaker 1: so much pressure on the new people in your life.
Speaker 1: The last thing I want to talk about is the
Speaker 1: need to connect with colleagues. We spend so much time
Speaker 1: at work. We spend so much time with the people
Speaker 1: around us at work, but often they're the last people
Speaker 1: we want to be friends with. Yes it could be hard,
Speaker 1: Yes it could be difficult. Yes you may not trust them,
Speaker 1: but if you can, it's worth investing in one good
Speaker 1: friend at work. We're going to spend a third of
Speaker 1: our lifetimes at work. It's important that we feel like
Speaker 1: we can be comfortable and genuinely ourselves with at least
Speaker 1: one person and I promise you people at work are
Speaker 1: looking for the same thing. They may want to rush
Speaker 1: and get home. They may have someone at home that
Speaker 1: understands them better. Of course, they have their own friends.
Speaker 1: You're not trying to compete, You're not trying to get
Speaker 1: in the way of another relationship in their life. But
Speaker 1: if we're going to spend so much time at work,
Speaker 1: it's important to try and find someone there and that
Speaker 1: makes it less exhausting. You're seeing this person anyway, you
Speaker 1: connect to do with this person anyway, make an extra
Speaker 1: bit of effort and it will go a long way.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to today. I hope
Speaker 1: this helps you reconnect with some people in your life
Speaker 1: and I can't wait for you to listen to the
Speaker 1: next episode. I am always in your corner and I'm
Speaker 1: rooting for you. Thanks for listening. Hey everyone, if you
Speaker 1: love that conversation, go and check out my episode with
Speaker 1: the world's leading therapist Lourie Gottlieb, where she answers the
Speaker 1: biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes
Speaker 1: to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're trying to
Speaker 1: figure out that space right now, you won't want to
Speaker 1: miss this conversation. If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands.
Speaker 1: It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems.
Speaker 1: Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.