1 00:00:01,840 --> 00:00:04,920 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce 2 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:07,800 Speaker 1: my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can 3 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:12,119 Speaker 1: experience on Purpose in person. Join me in a city 4 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:17,200 Speaker 1: near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It 5 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:20,360 Speaker 1: could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO 6 00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:25,040 Speaker 1: or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth, 7 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:29,120 Speaker 1: spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to 8 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,360 Speaker 1: meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences 9 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,960 Speaker 1: for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a 10 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:39,320 Speaker 1: meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now. 11 00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:43,480 Speaker 1: Head to Jysheddy, dop me Forward Slash Tour and get 12 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:48,320 Speaker 1: yours today. When you become an adult, you maybe see 13 00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:51,519 Speaker 1: your friends once a week if you're lucky, for an 14 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:55,160 Speaker 1: hour or two, so it's much harder to build that 15 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:58,440 Speaker 1: depth and because of this, we often find it more 16 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:02,160 Speaker 1: comfortable to be around old friends, even if we don't 17 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:06,160 Speaker 1: connect and don't resonate, compared to new friends who we 18 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:10,120 Speaker 1: may have to make more effort with the number one 19 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:18,679 Speaker 1: health and well Inness podcast, Jay Setty, Jay Chetty, Hey, everyone, 20 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:22,760 Speaker 1: Welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn, 21 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:26,640 Speaker 1: and grow. My name's Jay Chetty, and I am grateful 22 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:29,160 Speaker 1: as ever that you decided to tune in, whether you're 23 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:34,880 Speaker 1: driving to work, driving back, walking, walking your dog, working out, cooking, 24 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:38,679 Speaker 1: whatever you're up to. Thank you for being here right 25 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:42,839 Speaker 1: now now. A couple of weeks ago, I posted a 26 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:47,760 Speaker 1: TikTok Instagram reel and I was talking about the difference 27 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:53,120 Speaker 1: between real friends and fake friends. And it was something 28 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,680 Speaker 1: I was thinking about for a while now because I 29 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:59,040 Speaker 1: started to find that as we get older, we start 30 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:03,400 Speaker 1: to think different about friendships. I remember seeing this quote 31 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:06,400 Speaker 1: years ago and it was on a meme and it 32 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:11,440 Speaker 1: said my circle has gone smaller but grown in value, 33 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:15,639 Speaker 1: and it showed a large coin that was thinner moving 34 00:02:15,639 --> 00:02:18,320 Speaker 1: into a smaller coin that was thicker and worth more. 35 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:20,920 Speaker 1: And it's just interesting how I think so many of 36 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:24,080 Speaker 1: us think about our relationships that way. So in this 37 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:28,079 Speaker 1: TikTok and in this real I said, real friends clap 38 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:32,679 Speaker 1: the loudest when you win, even if they're still waiting 39 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:37,240 Speaker 1: for their turn. Think about that for a minute. Real 40 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:40,120 Speaker 1: friends don't get jealous, they don't get envious. That's one 41 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:43,639 Speaker 1: of the core traits of a real friend. When they 42 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:47,440 Speaker 1: see you win, they see what's possible. When they see 43 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:51,240 Speaker 1: you win, they want to know how they can join 44 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:54,560 Speaker 1: in and celebrate, how they can make you feel happy, 45 00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:58,600 Speaker 1: how they can honor what you've achieved. I then went 46 00:02:58,639 --> 00:03:02,480 Speaker 1: on to say, real friend lift you up even when 47 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,720 Speaker 1: they're carrying their own weight. I think so many of 48 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,160 Speaker 1: us have been this friend. So many of us have 49 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:11,440 Speaker 1: these friends that show up for us even when we 50 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:15,639 Speaker 1: know it isn't easy for them. I then said, real 51 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:19,960 Speaker 1: friends know your success is a reflection of hard work, 52 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:23,960 Speaker 1: not luck. When you start to become successful, when you 53 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:27,560 Speaker 1: start to make moves, when you start to see some progress, 54 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:31,960 Speaker 1: people around you will start to say you're lucky, You're fortunate. 55 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:35,360 Speaker 1: You should be grateful. Now here's the thing. You should 56 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:39,520 Speaker 1: feel that way. It's great to feel grateful, fortunate, and 57 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:43,600 Speaker 1: lucky when it's for yourself. But your real friends see 58 00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:46,680 Speaker 1: and remind you that it was your hard work that 59 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,920 Speaker 1: paid off. It was your hustle, it was your commitment, 60 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:52,960 Speaker 1: it was your dedication, it was the hours that you 61 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,960 Speaker 1: put in. They saw that, They know that, and they 62 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:59,080 Speaker 1: remind you of that. I then went on to say, 63 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,520 Speaker 1: real friends are happy to see you shine because your 64 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:08,880 Speaker 1: light doesn't dim theirs, and real friends do the same back. 65 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,360 Speaker 1: But something I've heard from so many of you recently 66 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:18,120 Speaker 1: is that making new friends as an adult is exhausting, 67 00:04:18,839 --> 00:04:22,200 Speaker 1: and we want it to be easier. Right. We all 68 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:25,760 Speaker 1: want to have meaningful relationships. We keep hearing about it 69 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:29,120 Speaker 1: in every podcast, in every episode, that the quality of 70 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:33,080 Speaker 1: your relationships defines the quality of your life. It's the 71 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:36,400 Speaker 1: thing that we hold as the highest metric in what 72 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:38,599 Speaker 1: makes us feel like we had a good life at 73 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:41,440 Speaker 1: the end of our life. Yet as we grow older, 74 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:45,840 Speaker 1: we change jobs, we move countries, we move cities, and 75 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:48,200 Speaker 1: it feels as though we don't have the same friends 76 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:50,760 Speaker 1: around us, or some of us may have the same 77 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:54,640 Speaker 1: friends around us and we haven't moved, but we've grown. Right, 78 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,040 Speaker 1: You may not have moved city or moved country, but 79 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,640 Speaker 1: you've moved on and so that group of friends that 80 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:04,400 Speaker 1: you up around doesn't feel like your people anymore. For me, 81 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:08,320 Speaker 1: I've moved so much right in my years of being 82 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:12,080 Speaker 1: an adult. I've lived in India, I've lived in New York, 83 00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:15,760 Speaker 1: I've lived in la I have moved around a lot. 84 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:18,560 Speaker 1: And one thing that I knew I had to do 85 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:23,960 Speaker 1: as I was moving, was prioritize building community, building friendships 86 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:27,800 Speaker 1: as much as I focused on building my career. Wherever 87 00:05:27,839 --> 00:05:31,360 Speaker 1: I went, I made it a priority to build community. 88 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:34,000 Speaker 1: And the reason was because I didn't want to be lonely. 89 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:36,760 Speaker 1: I didn't want to end up feeling like I'd achieved 90 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:39,000 Speaker 1: all my goals but that I didn't have anyone to 91 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,800 Speaker 1: share it with. I didn't want to feel like I'd 92 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:43,640 Speaker 1: achieved what I wanted to do, but I didn't have 93 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:47,280 Speaker 1: people that I had memories with. And so today's episode 94 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:50,320 Speaker 1: is for anyone who's thinking about making friends as an 95 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:55,200 Speaker 1: adult but finds it exhausting and wants it to be easier. 96 00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:57,800 Speaker 1: So I want to start with this. First of all, 97 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:00,920 Speaker 1: if you feel like it's exhausting to make friends as 98 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:05,120 Speaker 1: you get older, you're not imagining it. It's true. It's 99 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:10,160 Speaker 1: actually harder. Researchers have actually studied this. A massive twenty 100 00:06:10,279 --> 00:06:16,000 Speaker 1: twenty meta analysis found that friendship networks start shrinking after 101 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:20,320 Speaker 1: your mid twenties, not because you're doing anything wrong, but 102 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:25,320 Speaker 1: because life just changes. Work ramps up, people move, Family 103 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,920 Speaker 1: becomes more central. You have kids to think about, right, 104 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:33,360 Speaker 1: you have family members to worry about. Social psychologist Robin 105 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:37,280 Speaker 1: Dunbar says we can only maintain about one hundred and 106 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:41,440 Speaker 1: fifty meaningful relationships, and to be honest, that sounds exhausting 107 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:43,920 Speaker 1: in and of itself. But they go on to say, 108 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:47,880 Speaker 1: we can only have five close friends, and in our thirties, 109 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:52,599 Speaker 1: sometimes those five people just become our partner, her kids, 110 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:56,000 Speaker 1: and one of our parents or maybe two of our parents, 111 00:06:56,200 --> 00:07:00,400 Speaker 1: And so that number five is so limited. By the way, 112 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:04,360 Speaker 1: this is natural. Your social energy gets stretched dinner, you 113 00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:07,360 Speaker 1: got to think about work, you got to think about responsibilities. 114 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:09,720 Speaker 1: So first of all, it's really natural. It's not because 115 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:12,320 Speaker 1: there's something wrong with you. It's not because you made 116 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:17,200 Speaker 1: a mistake. It's not because you're weak. Right, So here's 117 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:19,520 Speaker 1: a mini experiment that I want to share with you. 118 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:24,400 Speaker 1: For this one, ask yourself this question who do I miss? 119 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:29,720 Speaker 1: I call this the who do I Miss? Test? Ask yourself? 120 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,400 Speaker 1: Who have I thought about lately and wished I saw 121 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:36,680 Speaker 1: more of? Who's that person in our life that we 122 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:40,280 Speaker 1: actually have a lot of good memories with And maybe 123 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,920 Speaker 1: they've moved, maybe we've moved, maybe we don't see each 124 00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:46,160 Speaker 1: other as much, Maybe they got a new job, maybe 125 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:51,120 Speaker 1: you had a kid. Who's that person you genuinely miss. 126 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:54,520 Speaker 1: Who's that person that you have so many good memories 127 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:58,160 Speaker 1: with but it's just been a while. Here's what I 128 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:00,840 Speaker 1: want you to do. I want you to text them, 129 00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:05,760 Speaker 1: text that person and say, hey, I miss seeing you. 130 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,400 Speaker 1: Should we grab a quick coffee? Should we go for 131 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:11,000 Speaker 1: a walk? Or if you live far away, do we 132 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:13,760 Speaker 1: need to arrange something? You know, it doesn't need to 133 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:15,960 Speaker 1: be a huge plan. You can start small, even with 134 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:19,559 Speaker 1: a zoom or a FaceTime. But reconnect with the one 135 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:23,600 Speaker 1: person who already gets you. I think so often we 136 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:25,520 Speaker 1: think we have to have new friends, We think we 137 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:27,520 Speaker 1: have to move on. But there's someone in your life 138 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:31,400 Speaker 1: who deeply gets you, who already knows your heart, who 139 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:35,960 Speaker 1: can already read in between the lines. I reconnected with 140 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,720 Speaker 1: some of my high school friends, and it's really interesting 141 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:40,760 Speaker 1: because when you went to high school with someone, you 142 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,920 Speaker 1: just have a shorthand. And I think there's a mistake 143 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:48,160 Speaker 1: we make with this mindset as well. We think that 144 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,440 Speaker 1: our old friends were our real friends and our new 145 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:55,800 Speaker 1: friends are not real friends. The difference is time when 146 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:59,800 Speaker 1: you were young, you spend every hour at school with 147 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:03,160 Speaker 1: the friend. You then probably came home and spoke to 148 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,600 Speaker 1: them on the phone or texted the message that maybe 149 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:09,520 Speaker 1: even went out with them. We were spending around nine 150 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:13,320 Speaker 1: hours a day minimum with someone, and that's how we 151 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:18,920 Speaker 1: became friends over three, five, seven, eight years of our life. 152 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:22,640 Speaker 1: When you become an adult, you maybe see your friends 153 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:25,920 Speaker 1: once a week, if you're lucky, for an hour or two. 154 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:30,520 Speaker 1: So it's much harder to build that depth. And because 155 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:33,440 Speaker 1: of this, we often find it more comfortable to be 156 00:09:33,559 --> 00:09:37,000 Speaker 1: around old friends, even if we don't connect and don't resonate, 157 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,439 Speaker 1: compared to new friends who we may have to make 158 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,120 Speaker 1: more effort with. I think that's part of where the 159 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:46,120 Speaker 1: exhausting thing comes from. Right. It's like with new friends, 160 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:48,440 Speaker 1: you got to show up, you got to make plans. 161 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,520 Speaker 1: You feel like you can't just be on your phone, 162 00:09:50,559 --> 00:09:53,240 Speaker 1: you can't just lay back. It actually requires something of you. 163 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,640 Speaker 1: And I think this is principle number two. I want 164 00:09:56,640 --> 00:10:01,800 Speaker 1: you to recognize that your brain has become more guarded. Now. See, 165 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:05,720 Speaker 1: when you're younger, your brain's more plastic, more open to novelty. 166 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:09,840 Speaker 1: But by your thirties, your brain actually becomes more risk averse. 167 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:14,000 Speaker 1: According to neuroscience research, you're a migdaler, the part of 168 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:18,360 Speaker 1: your brain that handles. Fear lights up more when meeting 169 00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:22,559 Speaker 1: new people. As you age, we become more cynical, more skeptical, 170 00:10:22,679 --> 00:10:27,480 Speaker 1: more doubtful. Why because you now have more experiences of rejection, 171 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:32,640 Speaker 1: of awkwardness, maybe people stabbing you in the back, mistreating you, 172 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:36,360 Speaker 1: people not being loyal. So your brain tries to protect 173 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:41,000 Speaker 1: you by making you avoid potential discomfort. So it's not 174 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:43,480 Speaker 1: just you being antisocial. Right. You might be thinking, Hey, 175 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,199 Speaker 1: I just feel like I'm becoming more an introvert. I 176 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,840 Speaker 1: feel like I'm being more antisocial. No, it's your brain 177 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:53,000 Speaker 1: plain defense, right, that's what's happening. You're being more defensive 178 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,680 Speaker 1: and this is natural. Again, but what does that do? 179 00:10:56,800 --> 00:11:00,000 Speaker 1: It means we spend less time and more skeptical time 180 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:03,360 Speaker 1: with new people, and we assume that we can't make 181 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:06,520 Speaker 1: good friends anymore. I want you to try something out. 182 00:11:06,559 --> 00:11:08,960 Speaker 1: Here's a mini experiment. I call it the two minute rule. 183 00:11:09,679 --> 00:11:12,000 Speaker 1: Next time you're in a new space, like an event, 184 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:16,719 Speaker 1: a workout, class, a friend's dinner, friend's birthday, just make 185 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:21,679 Speaker 1: a two minute connection. Compliment someone, ask a question, say 186 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:25,640 Speaker 1: one friendly sentence. No pressure to make a new bestie. Write, 187 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:29,400 Speaker 1: You're just training your brain to stop seeing socializing as 188 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:32,760 Speaker 1: a threat, smile it someone in the line, start a 189 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:36,120 Speaker 1: conversation with someone while you're waiting in line, whatever it 190 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:37,960 Speaker 1: may be. And by the way, it may feel weird 191 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:41,559 Speaker 1: at first, but you start to realize how everyone's craving it. 192 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:46,000 Speaker 1: Everyone is craving connection. Everyone around you wants to connect 193 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:49,240 Speaker 1: with someone, wants to break out their mold. Is looking 194 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:52,440 Speaker 1: for friends. That's what I've realized as adults, more of 195 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:55,040 Speaker 1: us are looking for friends than we believe. It's just 196 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,720 Speaker 1: that everyone's acting too cool. Everyone's acting like they don't 197 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,600 Speaker 1: need it. Everyone's acting like, you know, it's just not 198 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,520 Speaker 1: what they're looking for. And because of that, we start 199 00:12:03,559 --> 00:12:05,920 Speaker 1: to think, oh, well, you know, why am I the 200 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:09,439 Speaker 1: one putting in effort. So it's just something to think about. 201 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:13,280 Speaker 1: I want you to pause for a second and ask yourself, 202 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:19,960 Speaker 1: when have you actually had someone in your life that 203 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:24,760 Speaker 1: you drifted away from, someone that you may not even 204 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:28,440 Speaker 1: have a reason, and maybe there was a hidden reason. 205 00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:33,680 Speaker 1: Sometimes we've disconnected from someone because of a hidden reason. 206 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:37,120 Speaker 1: You didn't really have a falling out, you didn't really 207 00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:39,679 Speaker 1: stop talking, but you stop talking, if you know what 208 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:44,440 Speaker 1: I mean. And it's so important to figure out what 209 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:47,800 Speaker 1: The root of that was because sometimes it's harder to 210 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:51,000 Speaker 1: make new friends and it's exhausting, and it can be 211 00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:54,640 Speaker 1: easier to reconnect with an old friend. So this may 212 00:12:54,679 --> 00:12:56,920 Speaker 1: not be someone you miss, it may not be something 213 00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,640 Speaker 1: you think about, but it's someone you drifted away from, 214 00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:03,200 Speaker 1: but you I really don't know why. Now. Something that 215 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:06,719 Speaker 1: happens with new friends as we get older is you're 216 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:09,480 Speaker 1: more selective now. And that's not a bad thing. In 217 00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:13,880 Speaker 1: your thirties, you care more about alignment than abundance of friends. 218 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,679 Speaker 1: Right in your thirties, as you get older, in your forties, 219 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:23,319 Speaker 1: as an adult, you focus on alignment more than abundance. 220 00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:28,200 Speaker 1: You've been burned. You're tired of fake friends, flaky plans, 221 00:13:28,559 --> 00:13:35,080 Speaker 1: and emotional one way streets, and psychologists call this motivated selectivity. 222 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:40,360 Speaker 1: You start prioritizing depth over breadth. Now that's not a weakness, 223 00:13:40,679 --> 00:13:43,160 Speaker 1: but it's a surprise because when you were younger, you 224 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,160 Speaker 1: maybe didn't do that, and maybe that was the reason 225 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,319 Speaker 1: you got burned. Right, how many of you had friends 226 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:49,720 Speaker 1: when you were younger and you almost just were best 227 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:52,720 Speaker 1: friends overnight, and then you realize that that person you 228 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:56,120 Speaker 1: know was trying to get with your boyfriend was needy, 229 00:13:56,559 --> 00:13:59,440 Speaker 1: was exploiting you in some way, whatever it may have been. 230 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:03,440 Speaker 1: So we become more selective as we get older, which 231 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:07,000 Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong with, but it can feel lonelier at 232 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:12,040 Speaker 1: first because you're waiting for deeper connections while only shallow 233 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:16,000 Speaker 1: ones seem easy to find. See, the interesting thing is 234 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:21,720 Speaker 1: we want a deep connection, but every deep connection started 235 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:26,240 Speaker 1: off shallow. Think about that for a second. Every deep 236 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:31,200 Speaker 1: connection started off shallow. Now, sometimes you have this instant chemistry, 237 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:34,680 Speaker 1: instant spark with someone. Now that's beautiful when you have that. 238 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,400 Speaker 1: I someone has had that with someone on the podcast. 239 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:38,560 Speaker 1: That doesn't mean it needs to turn into a full 240 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:44,440 Speaker 1: blown best friend situation. But it's important to realize that 241 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:48,840 Speaker 1: you can't build a deep connection without walking through the shallow. 242 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:53,280 Speaker 1: So you have to ask yourself, who have you met recently? 243 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:57,240 Speaker 1: Who have you connected with recently that you haven't put 244 00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:59,480 Speaker 1: enough effort in with? You know, you need to put 245 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:02,640 Speaker 1: an effort. Yes, it's going to be exhausting, maybe the 246 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:05,880 Speaker 1: first time, maybe the second time, I promise you, by 247 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:08,720 Speaker 1: the third time, it's not that exhausting. Right By the 248 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:11,760 Speaker 1: third time, it's you feel natural. The first time it 249 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,120 Speaker 1: might be exhausting. Second time, it might be exhausting. We 250 00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:19,160 Speaker 1: have to push through that because imagine if one of 251 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:24,400 Speaker 1: your greatest friends is three hangouts away, right, We're so 252 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:28,960 Speaker 1: scared of the exhausting three hangouts that we don't realize 253 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:31,120 Speaker 1: that by the fourth time, I'm going to be able 254 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:34,080 Speaker 1: to connect with this person and actually that person becomes 255 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:38,720 Speaker 1: someone easy for life, That person becomes someone natural for 256 00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:41,880 Speaker 1: life that I can go to. It's good enough. It's 257 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:46,640 Speaker 1: worth it to sit through the three awkward, exhausting, tiring 258 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:50,280 Speaker 1: times to break through that barrier and give it a go. 259 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:53,120 Speaker 1: So give it a go. That person that you've connected 260 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,920 Speaker 1: with recently, reach out to them, set up on one 261 00:15:55,960 --> 00:16:00,160 Speaker 1: on one hang out, check in, work out, what, whatever 262 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:04,480 Speaker 1: it is. I couldn't be more excited to share something 263 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:07,200 Speaker 1: truly special with all you tea lovers out there. 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Juni has zero sugar and only five 278 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:07,399 Speaker 1: calories per can. We believe in nurturing and energizing your 279 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:11,320 Speaker 1: body while enjoying a truly delicious and refreshing drink. So 280 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:16,280 Speaker 1: visit Drinkjuni dot com today to elevate your wellness journey 281 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:20,040 Speaker 1: and use code on Purpose to receive fifteen percent off 282 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:25,360 Speaker 1: your first order. That's drink Juni dot Com and make 283 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,679 Speaker 1: sure you use the code on purpose. Now, how do 284 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:31,879 Speaker 1: we make it much easier? There's something I love. I 285 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:36,560 Speaker 1: call it the friction rule. Research and behavioral science shows 286 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:42,240 Speaker 1: we do things more when there's less friction aka less effort. 287 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:46,760 Speaker 1: So don't try to start brand new routines. Instead ask 288 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:50,040 Speaker 1: where am I already going that I could add a 289 00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:53,320 Speaker 1: connection to. If I go to a workout, let me 290 00:17:53,359 --> 00:17:55,920 Speaker 1: have someone that I go to that workout with. Right. 291 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,919 Speaker 1: If I go for a walk after work, let me 292 00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,679 Speaker 1: find someone I have that walk with. If I love 293 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:02,159 Speaker 1: going out for a bunch on the weekend, let me 294 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:06,040 Speaker 1: add someone to that. So it's the tag along invite. 295 00:18:06,359 --> 00:18:08,600 Speaker 1: Next time we go into the gym, farmers market, or 296 00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:11,520 Speaker 1: even errands, text someone, Hey, I'm going here, do you 297 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:14,240 Speaker 1: want to come with me? It's low pressure. It adds 298 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:18,159 Speaker 1: connection to something you're already doing, so now it's less exhausting. 299 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,400 Speaker 1: The exhausting part is when you have to create plans, 300 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:25,600 Speaker 1: add plans, make plans, make time. This is something you're 301 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:29,600 Speaker 1: doing already. It doesn't create friction in your life. That's 302 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:33,240 Speaker 1: why it's the no friction rule. Number one. Use the 303 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:37,119 Speaker 1: no friction rule to me. This has become one of 304 00:18:37,119 --> 00:18:39,400 Speaker 1: my secret weapons. I feel like I'm able to spend 305 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,320 Speaker 1: so much quality time with people without having to make 306 00:18:42,359 --> 00:18:45,440 Speaker 1: it crazy and without feeling like I'm having to take 307 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,240 Speaker 1: more time out of my life. Another thing I love 308 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:52,960 Speaker 1: is creating micro routines. There's a lot of people that 309 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:56,040 Speaker 1: I can't see every week, people that I like, people 310 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:58,840 Speaker 1: that I actually would like to spend more time with, 311 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,480 Speaker 1: but I couldn't see them every week because I want 312 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,680 Speaker 1: to prioritize my time with my wife, I want to 313 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:04,960 Speaker 1: prioritize my time on my own, and I want to 314 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:08,480 Speaker 1: prioritize my time with my team. So big plans often 315 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:13,760 Speaker 1: get canceled, but tiny rituals create consistency, which is what 316 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:16,600 Speaker 1: friendships actually need to grow as adults. Right, So when 317 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,480 Speaker 1: you were young, you saw someone at school every day. Now, 318 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:21,280 Speaker 1: as adults, you're not going to be able to do that. 319 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:26,080 Speaker 1: So research shows it takes about ninety hours to form 320 00:19:26,119 --> 00:19:29,840 Speaker 1: a casual friend and two hundred hours to get close. 321 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,679 Speaker 1: But that time isn't going to happen very quickly as 322 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:36,360 Speaker 1: an adult. It happened like in one year at school, 323 00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:39,199 Speaker 1: less than right. That's the point. You did that in 324 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:42,119 Speaker 1: one semester at school. You're not doing that with your 325 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:46,800 Speaker 1: adult friends. So try this. Try the mini experiment of 326 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:49,840 Speaker 1: a ten minute touch point. Pick one person you like 327 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,960 Speaker 1: and set a calendar reminder to text them once a week. 328 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:56,719 Speaker 1: You can say Hey, randomly thought of you, just checking in, 329 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,080 Speaker 1: how's your week? Do you want to catch up this month? 330 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,880 Speaker 1: It allowed you to keep someone on your radar, they're 331 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:05,800 Speaker 1: on yours, and you keep watering the seed. I do this. 332 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,960 Speaker 1: Every time I think of someone, I messages them, and 333 00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:09,920 Speaker 1: nine nine percent of the time I get a message 334 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,479 Speaker 1: that says I was just thinking of you too. And 335 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:14,439 Speaker 1: I love it when this happens because it makes you 336 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:17,960 Speaker 1: realize the people you naturally connect with. Someone may even say, hey, 337 00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:19,679 Speaker 1: I just thought of you. You're not going to walk tomorrow. Hey, 338 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:21,600 Speaker 1: I'm going to this event. You want to join me? Hey, 339 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,000 Speaker 1: I'm going on a hike. Do you want to join me? 340 00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:26,240 Speaker 1: Like it becomes this really easy way to connect with people, 341 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:29,520 Speaker 1: and it takes away the stress and the pressure that 342 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:32,840 Speaker 1: we add on to friendships. Right. We often think it 343 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:34,320 Speaker 1: has to be a big plan, it has to be 344 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:39,040 Speaker 1: really interesting. It's the micro routines that win. This is 345 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,439 Speaker 1: probably my favorite one and one that I've used a 346 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:44,880 Speaker 1: lot since moving LA. I call it say the thing. 347 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:48,920 Speaker 1: Sometimes the best way to spark connection is to admit 348 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:54,000 Speaker 1: you want it. One study found that people consistently underestimate 349 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:58,200 Speaker 1: how much others like them after meeting. This is known 350 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:02,879 Speaker 1: as the liking gap. We assume we're awkward or annoying, 351 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:07,600 Speaker 1: but we're usually way more appreciated than we think. Think 352 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,240 Speaker 1: about this for a second. When was the last time 353 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:11,920 Speaker 1: you connected with someone and you walked away thinking, Oh, 354 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:16,440 Speaker 1: they probably think I'm not that interesting. Guess what? That 355 00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:21,080 Speaker 1: person walked away feeling the exact same thing, unless you're 356 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:23,680 Speaker 1: both narcissists, and in that case, you walked away thinking 357 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:25,240 Speaker 1: that you're the best thing they ever happened to them. 358 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:28,919 Speaker 1: But most of us we doubt ourselves right. We doubt 359 00:21:29,359 --> 00:21:32,800 Speaker 1: whether we were interesting enough, whether we were friendly enough, 360 00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:36,440 Speaker 1: whether we were nice enough, and we overthink that and 361 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:39,119 Speaker 1: then we don't know how we feel about it. So 362 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:42,720 Speaker 1: here's what I want you to try out. I want 363 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:45,959 Speaker 1: you to try out the honest message. Send this to 364 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:49,680 Speaker 1: someone you kind of know but want to know better. Hey, 365 00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:53,120 Speaker 1: I loved our conversation lately. Let's grab some lunch. Right. 366 00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:56,480 Speaker 1: It feels awkward for ten seconds, but it opens a door, 367 00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,240 Speaker 1: and I promise you people are looking for this. I 368 00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:01,800 Speaker 1: originally had an I was at an event. Someone came 369 00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:04,000 Speaker 1: up to me. They were saying to me how much 370 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:07,080 Speaker 1: they liked my work. I realized I knew of their work. 371 00:22:07,119 --> 00:22:09,880 Speaker 1: They're behind the scenes and they do amazing stuff too. 372 00:22:10,119 --> 00:22:12,320 Speaker 1: Then we connected on a zoom call, and for me, 373 00:22:12,359 --> 00:22:14,760 Speaker 1: it was just so easy, like I just vibed with 374 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,600 Speaker 1: this person, and I realized it's so important to wear 375 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:20,760 Speaker 1: your heart on your sleeve. Right. I wear my heart 376 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:24,040 Speaker 1: on my sleeve because I'd rather someone know where I 377 00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:28,560 Speaker 1: stand with them than keep them guessing and keep myself 378 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:34,000 Speaker 1: distant from a great relationship. So a lot of this 379 00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:37,480 Speaker 1: is hard, it does feel weird, but I want you 380 00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:39,520 Speaker 1: to focus on the one you miss, the one you 381 00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:44,720 Speaker 1: drifted from, the one you haven't invested in yet, and overall, 382 00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:48,840 Speaker 1: it's about recognizing that the reason why it's harder to 383 00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:54,080 Speaker 1: make friends as an adult is because it almost takes 384 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:58,119 Speaker 1: longer for that person to get caught up. It's almost 385 00:22:58,119 --> 00:23:01,520 Speaker 1: like they're meeting you at chapter third and you're like, wow, 386 00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:06,040 Speaker 1: now they need to understand chapter one to thirty to 387 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:09,720 Speaker 1: understand me. And it's a really tough pressure to put 388 00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:12,159 Speaker 1: on to someone you just met. Right, even if you 389 00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:15,560 Speaker 1: told that person your whole life story, they'll never get 390 00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:18,800 Speaker 1: caught up in one swoop. But guess what when your 391 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:22,359 Speaker 1: parents in town get everyone together when your friends are 392 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:25,639 Speaker 1: in town. Get everyone together. When you can start to 393 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:29,360 Speaker 1: do that, the person gets an opportunity to piece your 394 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:33,240 Speaker 1: story together over time. Now you're not trying to play 395 00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:35,879 Speaker 1: catch up, and you're also not putting the pressure of 396 00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:39,479 Speaker 1: saying hey, only if you understand the first nineteen chapters 397 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:43,280 Speaker 1: of my life? Do you understand the twentieth Some people 398 00:23:43,359 --> 00:23:46,880 Speaker 1: walked into our life in the twentieth chapter, and guess 399 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:49,280 Speaker 1: what they're going to be here till our fortieth chapter. 400 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:54,600 Speaker 1: They're gonna understand us. Give them some grace. Stop putting 401 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:57,719 Speaker 1: so much pressure on the new people in your life. 402 00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:00,439 Speaker 1: The last thing I want to talk about is the 403 00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:06,680 Speaker 1: need to connect with colleagues. We spend so much time 404 00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:10,200 Speaker 1: at work. We spend so much time with the people 405 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:14,480 Speaker 1: around us at work, but often they're the last people 406 00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:17,480 Speaker 1: we want to be friends with. Yes it could be hard, 407 00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:20,440 Speaker 1: Yes it could be difficult. Yes you may not trust them, 408 00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:23,760 Speaker 1: but if you can, it's worth investing in one good 409 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:26,840 Speaker 1: friend at work. We're going to spend a third of 410 00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:31,959 Speaker 1: our lifetimes at work. It's important that we feel like 411 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:35,720 Speaker 1: we can be comfortable and genuinely ourselves with at least 412 00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:39,040 Speaker 1: one person and I promise you people at work are 413 00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:41,639 Speaker 1: looking for the same thing. They may want to rush 414 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,359 Speaker 1: and get home. They may have someone at home that 415 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,960 Speaker 1: understands them better. Of course, they have their own friends. 416 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:49,320 Speaker 1: You're not trying to compete, You're not trying to get 417 00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:51,359 Speaker 1: in the way of another relationship in their life. But 418 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:53,200 Speaker 1: if we're going to spend so much time at work, 419 00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:56,679 Speaker 1: it's important to try and find someone there and that 420 00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:59,639 Speaker 1: makes it less exhausting. You're seeing this person anyway, you 421 00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:02,800 Speaker 1: connect to do with this person anyway, make an extra 422 00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:05,080 Speaker 1: bit of effort and it will go a long way. 423 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:08,800 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to today. I hope 424 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,440 Speaker 1: this helps you reconnect with some people in your life 425 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,199 Speaker 1: and I can't wait for you to listen to the 426 00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:19,120 Speaker 1: next episode. I am always in your corner and I'm 427 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:22,480 Speaker 1: rooting for you. Thanks for listening. Hey everyone, if you 428 00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:25,800 Speaker 1: love that conversation, go and check out my episode with 429 00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:30,040 Speaker 1: the world's leading therapist Lourie Gottlieb, where she answers the 430 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:33,760 Speaker 1: biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes 431 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:38,240 Speaker 1: to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're trying to 432 00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:40,840 Speaker 1: figure out that space right now, you won't want to 433 00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:45,360 Speaker 1: miss this conversation. If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. 434 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:49,360 Speaker 1: It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. 435 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:53,280 Speaker 1: Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.