Speaker 1: Are you leave the I you wanna way back home?
Speaker 1: Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how
Speaker 1: much baggage you claim and give us time and a
Speaker 1: terminol and gay.
Speaker 2: We want to.
Speaker 1: Send you off InStyle.
Speaker 2: You wanna welcome you back home?
Speaker 1: Tell us all about it?
Speaker 2: We scared? Or was it fine? Malcorn?
Speaker 3: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 2: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 1: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 4: Do you need.
Speaker 3: With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride?
Speaker 2: This is Chris Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgara.
Speaker 3: We have a lot planned for today. Such a great plan.
Speaker 2: The agenda goes on and on like a CBS receipt.
Speaker 4: Well we're kidding, of course, there's nothing planned. I did
Speaker 4: by post it notes. However, they're still in the package.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 3: I just like the movie Romey and Michelle's high school reunion.
Speaker 4: Look who doesn't remember when they lied and said the
Speaker 4: invented post it notes.
Speaker 3: That's specific and fun. I love Phoebe.
Speaker 2: That is such a good movie.
Speaker 3: It is a good movie. It's fun, it's it's what's
Speaker 3: your favorite movie?
Speaker 2: Is it?
Speaker 3: Moana? Milana Milana.
Speaker 2: We were talking about how good Molana is. We're talking
Speaker 2: about how good. I was gonna say, Sorry, Steve, I
Speaker 2: was gonna say Jurassic Her. But what I mean.
Speaker 4: Is I watched it on an airplane and I was
Speaker 4: disturbing strangers because you were laughing so hard.
Speaker 3: Ma'am, do you like the rocks? He's great, isn't he?
Speaker 3: All right? Get back to your sky mall.
Speaker 2: Are you seeing this? Jack blackact like a teenage girl.
Speaker 4: I mean, I know you're not hearing it because I'm
Speaker 4: using earphones, but he is great.
Speaker 3: That's a It's a hard.
Speaker 4: Role to play, you know, and Jack Black nailed it
Speaker 4: without offending anyone.
Speaker 2: It's true. I feel it well because he means it.
Speaker 2: He's doing it with with love and respect. He's not
Speaker 2: It's not a joke to him. It's real to him.
Speaker 2: He's really that girl he went.
Speaker 3: He had a deep character. It was great.
Speaker 2: You can feel it. My method I find when I
Speaker 2: am quote.
Speaker 4: Unquote woman passed holding what I very much believe to
Speaker 4: be a shotgun out the window.
Speaker 3: No, casually to the right. They just went to a
Speaker 3: gun show.
Speaker 4: It was wrapped in some kind of paper, but I
Speaker 4: saw the barrels, and she was very proud.
Speaker 3: Even though we're in Los Ange.
Speaker 4: Angels, it doesn't mean there's still there's all types of
Speaker 4: people here.
Speaker 2: Should we try to go up there?
Speaker 4: It was like an elephant musket with two barrels. What
Speaker 4: it was a giant?
Speaker 2: Wait a second, do you think they're shooting Jumanji too?
Speaker 2: Right now? She's just a prop master, but the proudest
Speaker 2: prop master in Hollywood.
Speaker 4: Well, you don't become the level of master without a
Speaker 4: little bit of pride.
Speaker 2: You know. I know how it's a masterful prop person
Speaker 2: who wraps their guns in paper.
Speaker 4: The more I think about it, and it may have been
Speaker 4: to a couple curtain rods.
Speaker 2: But still she had kind of gun pride about those rocks.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you're right there, there was a lot of pride.
Speaker 2: She was being intimidatingly proud.
Speaker 3: Yeah, she's gonna kill her an elephant.
Speaker 2: If it's cgi with curtain rods.
Speaker 4: I was I was going to surprise you guys because
Speaker 4: Tig said she would be on the episode today and
Speaker 4: then she got busy. But we're having this is just
Speaker 4: a teaser that she'll be on and then we can
Speaker 4: make up for that episode where I ruined everything, and
Speaker 4: the files were corrupted.
Speaker 2: Chris, you ruin nothing, because if it didn't exist, no
Speaker 2: one missed it. Only you and I know the heartbreak
Speaker 2: of that episode. And it wasn't your fault.
Speaker 3: But it was so good.
Speaker 4: We all cried, We all were open and emotional. It
Speaker 4: was so great, and I've lost lost forever.
Speaker 2: It's lost forever, but we can do it again, when
Speaker 2: we can do it better.
Speaker 4: Did you ever hear the I listened to the files
Speaker 4: and it was the eeriest because you would start to
Speaker 4: hear our voices. Of course you have a Lamborghinian. Of
Speaker 4: course red lights don't apply.
Speaker 2: And that person person ran straight up ran the most
Speaker 2: intricate intersection in Burbank where you do not run the
Speaker 2: red light. No, because you're basically taking a left in
Speaker 2: front of cars.
Speaker 5: Uh.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that was scary.
Speaker 2: I really wanted that person to crash well and learn
Speaker 2: their lesson.
Speaker 3: Well, then someone else would be heard as well.
Speaker 2: Oh no, I'm hurt.
Speaker 3: I just explain why crashes shouldn't happen. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I could feel you're taking it personally. You're like, I've
Speaker 2: been in a crash, don't wish.
Speaker 3: It upon me.
Speaker 4: When I scream at someone uh, I say, I hope
Speaker 4: you hit a tree or something, just so they are
Speaker 4: the only ones.
Speaker 2: Oh good, what about that tree though there?
Speaker 4: Hey, as long as it's not a historic oak that's
Speaker 4: been recognized by the city, take it out.
Speaker 2: Do you know that the camphor tree in front of
Speaker 2: my house has been recognized by the city and I'm
Speaker 2: not allowed to prone it. Only the city can touch it.
Speaker 3: I wouldn't go near it. If it's a cancer tree.
Speaker 2: It's camp for.
Speaker 3: I've never heard it. I've never heard of it.
Speaker 2: You've never heard of camph finique when you get like
Speaker 2: a caper store, that's camp for. It's from those trees.
Speaker 3: Oh really, yes, well you know stuff.
Speaker 2: I'm kind of lying a little bit.
Speaker 3: Really, Oh god, I don't know what to believe.
Speaker 4: One time I was leaving UCB and this motorcycle guy
Speaker 4: was clearly drying. He was like weaving, you know when
Speaker 4: motorcycles are weaving. Yeah, And he was like waving his
Speaker 4: arms at me. And I was at a light to merge,
Speaker 4: you know, sometimes they have lights. And he went around
Speaker 4: me and like looked back at me and flipped me off. Okay,
Speaker 4: And I had someone in the car with me, and
Speaker 4: I yelled I hope you hit a tree. Then I
Speaker 4: got on the freeway and god, a lot of my
Speaker 4: stories don't end well.
Speaker 3: He was in the street. I don't think it's dead.
Speaker 4: I looked online, but his motorcycle was in pieces, and
Speaker 4: there was a poor woman that felt responsible and I
Speaker 4: wanted to pull over and say, don't take this personally.
Speaker 4: He was being suicidal. Yeah, but I do. I will
Speaker 4: never forget that. I yelled that, so even though my
Speaker 4: windows were up, It's like, I feel very I feel
Speaker 4: a lot about.
Speaker 3: That, I guess.
Speaker 2: But you're not a wizard, right, I'm not.
Speaker 3: I had quit doing that a while back.
Speaker 2: And take that off your list.
Speaker 3: And I can't turning everyone into a coat.
Speaker 2: Yeah. See, even if you even if you're a wizard
Speaker 2: and you did wish it, you probably would have done it.
Speaker 4: So you're a princess, and you're a princess and you're
Speaker 4: what have you done?
Speaker 3: That's from Willow.
Speaker 2: Did you see the movie The Witch that had black
Speaker 2: fill up the goat in it and at the end
Speaker 2: he said the goat the toxicain. Yeah.
Speaker 3: I started to watch it and it.
Speaker 2: Was spoiler alert.
Speaker 3: Yeah. The person that made that made something else right? Yes,
Speaker 3: hereditary or something.
Speaker 2: Yes, I think so so good.
Speaker 3: Goats are scary.
Speaker 2: Goats have lizard eyes.
Speaker 4: They have perfect vertical rectangles for pupils.
Speaker 3: No, thank you, No, there shouldn't be right angles in
Speaker 3: eyeball nature.
Speaker 2: No, they look like two black triangles laying on each other,
Speaker 2: staring at you, asking for grain. So I grew up
Speaker 2: with a goat. We had a goat in our backyard
Speaker 2: named u B. Because Carol Channing was in a show
Speaker 2: in San Francisco, I'm positive I've told you this one. No,
Speaker 2: there's a local show in San Francisco about the about
Speaker 2: I believe he was a jazz musician named You Be Black,
Speaker 2: although that could be wrong. Also, so Carol Channing did
Speaker 2: the voice of the commercial for the show, and she
Speaker 2: go something.
Speaker 4: It was like, whoa, Yeah, they're all doing it. Oh
Speaker 4: my god, after it today. They're really getting after it.
Speaker 2: I mean, what you do is you stop driving, you
Speaker 2: fucking idiot.
Speaker 3: Yep. Oh good, we're gonna make icon.
Speaker 2: Oh my god.
Speaker 4: Oh I love doing that. But I'm going to be smiling,
Speaker 4: you know what. I want to deal with it. Thank
Speaker 4: you for speeding up.
Speaker 2: I mean, I want to deal with it. But he's
Speaker 2: not going to come up here because.
Speaker 3: He's a frauds.
Speaker 2: I'm trying to tell my story about Carol Channing.
Speaker 4: Any way, mid you were about to do what I imagined,
Speaker 4: what's going to be an impression of her. And now
Speaker 4: now the expectations are built up, especially since I'm talking
Speaker 4: about this impression.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and now you're scared to do it.
Speaker 2: I don't want to do it.
Speaker 4: Anyway, Ladies and gentlemen, Karen kil garretts Carol Channing.
Speaker 2: Something like who the you thee? It was something like that,
Speaker 2: and we laughed every time we heard it on the radio.
Speaker 2: So when we got this goat, we named it Ubi
Speaker 2: And he had no ears. He was that kind of
Speaker 2: goat that had no ears, a pigmy, I think, or well,
Speaker 2: pigmy means small.
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, it's but it was full.
Speaker 2: Size, so it was just no ears. And though he's
Speaker 2: not a fighting goat.
Speaker 4: What where did you I guess I didn't. I thought
Speaker 4: you lived in like a house in a neighborhood. Were
Speaker 4: you on a goat a friendly plot of land?
Speaker 3: Yes.
Speaker 2: When growing up we were way out in the countryside
Speaker 2: of Pedaloma. We kind of some people call it West Pedaloma.
Speaker 2: It's five miles out of town. Then when I was
Speaker 2: a senior in high school, my parents built a house
Speaker 2: like right in town. So then now they live in town.
Speaker 3: And then you just had to goat in a penthouse.
Speaker 2: Then we gave the we got the goat its own
Speaker 2: pen house downtown. We gave the goat or took the
Speaker 2: coat to my aunt Jean's house, who has lived on
Speaker 2: a big, like fifty acre ranch all my life. And
Speaker 2: so the goat became friends with her horse lady, who
Speaker 2: was old and just walking around in the field. And
Speaker 2: you be and lady lived together for like twenty more
Speaker 2: years and then they.
Speaker 3: Both died, wow together with.
Speaker 2: Yes, murder suicide.
Speaker 3: Oh no, that's good. That was a good one. All right,
Speaker 3: let's up.
Speaker 4: Oh gigs you guys later, there can't be you can't
Speaker 4: do the closer in the first fifteen minutes.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that was poorly, poorly time, that was really quick.
Speaker 2: I just pictured the horse also stomping the goat and
Speaker 2: then like jumping off a clip, Like how would that
Speaker 2: even happen?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, just because of hoofs and inability to hold
Speaker 3: a knife for gun.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the planning that would have to go into it,
Speaker 2: It would have.
Speaker 4: To be Hoof dance Hoof related. Oh man, Yeah, that's great.
Speaker 2: Goats.
Speaker 3: I feel bad for goats because they everyone I don't know.
Speaker 4: I think they have a reputation for being kind of
Speaker 4: sinister because they always end up in the middle of
Speaker 4: pentagrams and everything.
Speaker 3: And it's not their fault. They get beheaded at rituals
Speaker 3: and they're blood.
Speaker 4: They're always blobed for certain gods, but for certain because
Speaker 4: so when I meet a goat, I'm like, I'm I'm
Speaker 4: I'm very nice to him because I know he's had
Speaker 4: a rough reputation.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and they're always really sweet.
Speaker 2: They're very sweet, unless you get one of those ones
Speaker 2: that likes to butt.
Speaker 3: You all right, right, I forgot they do that.
Speaker 2: They do that, and they also eat things that you
Speaker 2: don't want them to eat, like, you know, tin cans,
Speaker 2: Oh my precious cans.
Speaker 4: Where is my can collection? That iach you bean, No,
Speaker 4: you know can.
Speaker 2: Here's a dramatic story from childhood that I kind of
Speaker 2: that was pretty amazing. Was one day, so we had
Speaker 2: we lived out on Eastman Lane and put Aluma out
Speaker 2: in the country, and there was we had a like
Speaker 2: an acre of land that our house sat on, and
Speaker 2: so then there was a fence line, and then there
Speaker 2: was like probably four or five acres of land, and
Speaker 2: then at the bottom of this hill, you know, it
Speaker 2: was like a half a mile away, there was like
Speaker 2: this weird compound and it was all these like almost
Speaker 2: like cabins in a circle, and it was this family
Speaker 2: that were also kind of like a motorcycle gang. They
Speaker 2: were really sketchy, and my dad used to watch them
Speaker 2: through binoculars because like sometimes they would like have a
Speaker 2: bunch of motorcycles there and then you'd be like, what
Speaker 2: are they up to? Wha first responder, Yes, exactly, he
Speaker 2: needs to be ready. But for the most part they
Speaker 2: were quiet and just did their own thing, dealt meth
Speaker 2: within their own community whatever. But one day, so there
Speaker 2: was a little girl that lived down there and she
Speaker 2: was much younger than me, but she did also go
Speaker 2: to my school, and her dog was this German shepherd,
Speaker 2: and it snuck up, it got out of their area,
Speaker 2: snuck up the field, snuck into our backyard and attacked
Speaker 2: our goat. And when dogs attack other animals like that,
Speaker 2: you have to shoot them because they get the taste
Speaker 2: of blood and then they're they're in there.
Speaker 3: You're supposed to shoot your dog.
Speaker 2: Yes, if if it attacks another animal like that, like
Speaker 2: it was. It attacked this goat like it was like
Speaker 2: to kill it. Only somehow you be survived. It was.
Speaker 2: But see here's the thing, stuff like that. When you
Speaker 2: live out in like farmland, you of this too. But
Speaker 2: like and my Anjean's ranch, we were used to animals
Speaker 2: dying a lot like there was not a lot of
Speaker 2: romance about animals. Well, and I know I want to
Speaker 2: go keep going up.
Speaker 3: The base of a beautiful canyon. I know Los Angeles
Speaker 3: is kind of cool.
Speaker 2: Well, and it was raining so much the last couple
Speaker 2: of days.
Speaker 3: It's green up there. It gives you almost an Irish accent.
Speaker 2: And look at the clouds right now. I think, sorry,
Speaker 2: let's go up here and see if we can get.
Speaker 3: We need more of a vista.
Speaker 2: I need point point. And we also need to stop
Speaker 2: talking about the sad deaths of I don't started it.
Speaker 3: I started started it, and I have a lot more
Speaker 3: to say about it. I could do it all day.
Speaker 2: It's another that we can't look at the moon. The
Speaker 2: moon's out already.
Speaker 4: That's just global warming. The earth is confused. I went
Speaker 4: snowboarding for four days. I've just decided I have no responsibilities.
Speaker 4: And I went up to a cabin with my buddy Whitey,
Speaker 4: who shot million Comedy special, and there was four feet
Speaker 4: of snow, like literally wow, more than three feet of snow.
Speaker 2: Close to literally a grammar school child of snow.
Speaker 4: Yes, and I don't I haven't been around that much
Speaker 4: snow for since I was a kid. It was just
Speaker 4: and yeah, I kind of forgot until I was in it,
Speaker 4: and I was like, oh, this is how the earth
Speaker 4: used to be.
Speaker 3: Yah, and I had the best my hip.
Speaker 4: Works great even I was like jumping off little rocks
Speaker 4: and no pain, like I was really putting it to
Speaker 4: the tests, like I'm twenty but.
Speaker 2: I'm not, and it said maybe you are even Yeah,
Speaker 2: I heard.
Speaker 4: A little voice coming from the little little the moral
Speaker 4: ahead with a mouth and a cartoon. I'm so happy.
Speaker 4: But then of course it went from nine degrees to
Speaker 4: fifty degrees, poured rain, ruined half the snow, and it's like, oh, okay,
Speaker 4: it's the Earth is very confused right now.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the Earth has no idea what the fuck's going on.
Speaker 3: It was like watching something slowly melted.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like losing an icy It.
Speaker 3: Was like watching a snowman die.
Speaker 2: It was like that Campbell's suit commercial where the snowman
Speaker 2: turns into the child.
Speaker 4: Or the movie a Jack Frost where I'm a background
Speaker 4: actor where Michael Keaton dies and then haunts fatherly haunts
Speaker 4: a snowman and hangs out with.
Speaker 3: His kids again. Eh, teaches them the snowboard?
Speaker 2: Is that true?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Jack Frost, great movie, teaches them the snowboard.
Speaker 3: And that was the last that was also in Trucky.
Speaker 3: I was in the same town that I did that
Speaker 3: background work uncredited.
Speaker 2: Were you a snowboarder?
Speaker 3: I was a snowboarder in the background.
Speaker 2: Wow, everybody please please rent Jack Frost. Yes, skip to
Speaker 2: the snowboarding part. Look for nineties Chris Fairbanks. Yeah, do
Speaker 2: you have facial hair?
Speaker 3: No? I was.
Speaker 4: I was a young I went there to do art
Speaker 4: for this snowboard video making company. And right when I
Speaker 4: got there, I was staying in this guy's cabin, the
Speaker 4: guy that owned the company, and he said, could you
Speaker 4: put that kettle that was on like a pot belly stove.
Speaker 4: It's getting dry in here. Can you put some water
Speaker 4: in that kettle. I don't know how I was supposed
Speaker 4: to do it, but it was. It was white hot,
Speaker 4: and I grabbed it and poured water into it, and
Speaker 4: it steamed my fingers and burned them so bad that
Speaker 4: it just I had my fulanities looked like chicken fat.
Speaker 3: No, just big yellow lister fingers. Sorry, everybody, it was
Speaker 3: real gross, But I wrapped.
Speaker 4: It in gauze and I had a great month of
Speaker 4: snowboarding with a highly burned finger that probably should have
Speaker 4: been seen by a doctor.
Speaker 2: Did you do some drinking maybe to cover up that
Speaker 2: that pain?
Speaker 3: I did everything For the first time.
Speaker 4: It was a mountain town of retired lumberjacks or people
Speaker 4: running from problems or just getting out of prison. This
Speaker 4: one of the guys that owned the company, his friend
Speaker 4: from high school or something, had just gotten out of
Speaker 4: prison and all of us, and he looked like Matthew McConaughey,
Speaker 4: but he had face tattoos.
Speaker 3: Maybe he didn't have face tattoos.
Speaker 4: I made that up, but he just I could you
Speaker 4: can tell he's sketchy, like one one too, was not
Speaker 4: doing well in front or But when like when someone
Speaker 4: doesn't care that much but they're also handsome, it makes
Speaker 4: you think.
Speaker 3: They've had a life of crime. Story in my life, Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3: I get it, and he he was. He was a
Speaker 3: felon and I hung out with him every day and
Speaker 3: we had great times.
Speaker 4: He was the most positive, happy to be out of
Speaker 4: prison guy, awesome and pretty good snowboarder.
Speaker 3: For being in the house, the Big House, well he had.
Speaker 2: The passion for it.
Speaker 4: And one day he was, Oh, we are going I mean,
Speaker 4: we're driving into a flood zone.
Speaker 3: Where are we look at this Partridge family house.
Speaker 2: This is like it's like we're on Bizarro Laurel Canyon.
Speaker 4: You're driving past rainbow houses that do not follow building codes.
Speaker 2: And then there's like and here's Dracula's castle, like everything's
Speaker 2: made of stone here. Well, they have a dumb waiter
Speaker 2: they do, Oh my god, are you okay? It's a cart.
Speaker 4: It's a cart that goes up and brings supplies so
Speaker 4: they don't ever have to leave.
Speaker 3: They have the blood delivered. Then they drank it.
Speaker 4: We were one night he's like, you want to watch
Speaker 4: a video, and he popped in a VHS and it
Speaker 4: was a porn that he made of himself and he
Speaker 4: had me watch it and I will.
Speaker 2: He was coming on to you.
Speaker 3: There was credits and everything.
Speaker 2: Oh was he the director or not.
Speaker 3: He made his own corns?
Speaker 2: Was he in it? He was in it and starting
Speaker 2: and sitting next to me.
Speaker 3: So he's sitting next.
Speaker 2: To his audience member.
Speaker 4: He was watch this and uh, and it was uh.
Speaker 4: And I watched and I'm like, good, good word, Oh
Speaker 4: that's a good performance. Comments.
Speaker 2: Really you just powered through it.
Speaker 3: I did. I watched it, like when am I? It's you?
Speaker 3: Han't said?
Speaker 4: I think I didn't want to make him mad. I
Speaker 4: think he you know, he's a prison guy. Yes, I'm like, what,
Speaker 4: I don't want to watch her have sex. He's like,
Speaker 4: that's what the last guy said to me. And I
Speaker 4: spent fifteen years in your big house because he'd hurt
Speaker 4: my feelings about not wanting to.
Speaker 3: See my porn.
Speaker 2: Right, you just wanted to keep it in line.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I just wanted to make the guy happy.
Speaker 4: And I'm like, oh, there you are with a boner.
Speaker 3: Here we go.
Speaker 2: I watched it, you boys in your high jinks.
Speaker 3: What was I supposed to do? No, I don't know
Speaker 3: the VCR and throw it out the cabin window.
Speaker 2: Well, because this second, that's cool, this second, yeah, that
Speaker 2: is a need.
Speaker 4: I love it.
Speaker 2: It's very seventies seventies. Yeah, yeah, this is crazy.
Speaker 3: Oh, this is cool. And we are driving in a
Speaker 3: kind of a river.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't where's this goddamn water coming from. Look
Speaker 2: at that fucking shelle. Oh that's a straight up shellet.
Speaker 3: You guys just made of candy.
Speaker 2: Because here's the thing. If somebody sits down and says, hey,
Speaker 2: look at this porn I'm in and puts it in,
Speaker 2: he didn't.
Speaker 3: He just I found out it was a porn when
Speaker 3: I was watching it.
Speaker 2: So you know, you're dealing with a weirdo off the bat,
Speaker 2: like you can't make any sudden.
Speaker 3: Moves that day before that, he is a weirdo.
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, but I mean that really, that's really that's
Speaker 2: a topper right there. That's like a big move. Yeah,
Speaker 2: that's like, that's here, look at my dick. Watch me
Speaker 2: fuck someone.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a lot to ask.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and I really I'm always been pretty good at
Speaker 4: picking up vibes.
Speaker 3: Like he wasn't looking at me on the corner. If
Speaker 3: it maybe he was.
Speaker 2: Maybe you loved his performance so much you couldn't tell.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he's just under the all sex society. The guy's
Speaker 3: a great actor. I really believe he was in love
Speaker 3: with these women.
Speaker 2: I believed he had a huge living room with white
Speaker 2: leather couches. It's believable. Where are we look at this?
Speaker 3: Yeah, twelve, this is a gang. You don't just have
Speaker 3: a fleet of black cars. Wow. Oh and we're probably
Speaker 3: on their hit list now they're real. One of them's silver.
Speaker 3: It's okay, okay, okay.
Speaker 2: I think that's the Armenian.
Speaker 4: That was a villian, that was a villain house. That
Speaker 4: was You don't just have a bunch of black sports cars.
Speaker 2: I want to move up here now.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I want a life of crime.
Speaker 2: I want to get in with those people.
Speaker 3: Oh, this would be a good place for me to
Speaker 3: make my own quarto.
Speaker 2: And then showed around all my friends. Yeah, and solicited
Speaker 2: and surprisingly it's so that's like going up to someone
Speaker 2: and being like lifting your tongue and being like, look
Speaker 2: in here. It's just so private.
Speaker 3: Yeah it was.
Speaker 4: It was, and I thought it was very strange at
Speaker 4: the time. But I like a good story, and this
Speaker 4: is I do know.
Speaker 3: That's the first time I've told it.
Speaker 2: It is a good story, and you I definitely would
Speaker 2: have remembered that one.
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's a prison.
Speaker 4: The prison porn and my burnt fingers and uh, someone
Speaker 4: gave me a sugar cube one time and say here,
Speaker 4: and it was acid, and I was so That's how
Speaker 4: I did acid.
Speaker 3: That was surprise. That was a surprise too.
Speaker 2: That was also in Trucky.
Speaker 3: It turns out it makes you feel good.
Speaker 2: Turns out you giggle it nothing And I.
Speaker 4: Went and I danced, and Reno and I break danced
Speaker 4: and did moves like drugs are.
Speaker 3: Everyone had a hell of a drug. It was so fun.
Speaker 4: And I went bungee jumping the next day still still high,
Speaker 4: and uh, you know, I died in flames into my hair.
Speaker 3: I was just living, like god, damn. Yeah, you know.
Speaker 3: I was young. It was like twenty three.
Speaker 2: There was two girls we went to college with who
Speaker 2: were from Trucky, who were so from Trucky, and I
Speaker 2: wish I could remember their names now, but they were
Speaker 2: like both blonde, and one was like the skinny version
Speaker 2: of a blonde girl from Trucky and one was like
Speaker 2: the big boob version of a girl from Trucky. It
Speaker 2: was they were like a little bit scary, but I
Speaker 2: also always wanted to drink with them. They didn't really
Speaker 2: like us that much, but we made them hang out
Speaker 2: with us anyway. It was hilarious. Oh and one of
Speaker 2: them had a day bed. God, I hope one of
Speaker 2: them hears this and knows that. I remember they had
Speaker 2: day beds like in their rooms. And one had taken
Speaker 2: Christmas lights and written skid Row in Christmas lights over
Speaker 2: her bed.
Speaker 3: Yes, the band.
Speaker 2: She was such a such a fan of skid Row.
Speaker 3: That's so awesome. What is a day bed?
Speaker 2: Davids are the ones that look like weird. They like
Speaker 2: have brass around the outside, so it kind of looks
Speaker 2: like a version of a couch. Okay, and then you
Speaker 2: pull out. You can either sleep in it, but sometimes
Speaker 2: they have other mattresses on the bottom, so there's like
Speaker 2: two beds.
Speaker 3: Okay, I gotcha. I know what it is.
Speaker 4: Okay, Yeah, I just made a great invention though a
Speaker 4: bud day bed. You lay in it, you know the rest.
Speaker 3: There's a but.
Speaker 4: Do I have to.
Speaker 2: Spell it out for you? You really don't? Okay, Oh
Speaker 2: my good, Please write that down for your comedy set.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, and you know what. I'm watching the edits
Speaker 4: of my special Thing. I realized I do. I'm like
Speaker 4: so juvenile with my topics. No, it's just dicks this
Speaker 4: and toilet this. I mean, I mean, there's that's what
Speaker 4: that's that's the stuff that people laugh at them.
Speaker 3: That's the stuff that went the best.
Speaker 2: Well, that's good comedy. But also you don't that's not
Speaker 2: the majority of what you do. You just sprinkle it in. Yeah,
Speaker 2: you were good at comedy.
Speaker 3: Thank you.
Speaker 2: It must be. I can't imagine. I can barely listen
Speaker 2: to like a listen back to a ten minute set.
Speaker 2: I'm like, why did I ever think I could do
Speaker 2: this anytime I listened to a set, So I can't
Speaker 2: imagine watching a special.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's how I know it went well because I don't.
Speaker 4: I can't stand seeing myself and I'm pretty hard on myself.
Speaker 3: And after that I felt okay. And then when I
Speaker 3: watched it, it was easy. It was okay for me
Speaker 3: to watch it.
Speaker 4: We're near that on it now, so I know we
Speaker 4: keep shoving it now, peoples. But I'm very excited me too.
Speaker 4: I can't edit it by a fancy editor, and then
Speaker 4: it's get sound mixed by a fancy sound mixer guy
Speaker 4: that's done a bunch of stuff, love it.
Speaker 3: Very excited.
Speaker 2: Oh, this is where I was trying to go.
Speaker 3: Oh, here we go. This is like a park.
Speaker 2: Then yeah, yees yeah, basically it's like the I thought
Speaker 2: it's where we were before.
Speaker 4: Oh, fire danger today they yes, they're smoking the bear.
Speaker 3: He can smell a fire before it starts to the flame.
Speaker 2: Oh is that true?
Speaker 3: Smoking the bear. That's how he got his name.
Speaker 2: That's how he's a super taster and the super smeller.
Speaker 2: He can't he doesn't like cilantro. And he knows where
Speaker 2: all the fires are. These are the fire Stephen that
Speaker 2: we were talking about Stephen on the ones and twos.
Speaker 2: We were talking about the Burbank fires before we left
Speaker 2: for our Australia trip. Now two years ago.
Speaker 3: How long have you on my favorite murder?
Speaker 2: Three years?
Speaker 3: This is what this? January?
Speaker 2: Yeah, January last month.
Speaker 3: How long have we done this?
Speaker 2: I think six years or five? But really often Season
Speaker 2: one was about five years four years long? Five years long?
Speaker 3: Oh right?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 3: Or sure? Sure?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Not positive?
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's where the fire was.
Speaker 2: Yes, these are the hills that were all on fire.
Speaker 3: Well, it made for interesting patchy vegetation.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: I think they call it deforestation. Fires are a natural.
Speaker 3: Occurrence, that's there.
Speaker 2: They need to happen. Yes, it's good for the forest floor.
Speaker 2: It's good for future trees.
Speaker 4: And don't just go out there because what we said
Speaker 4: and started throwing cigarettes willie nilly.
Speaker 3: In dry bushes.
Speaker 2: Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no no.
Speaker 4: We're talking about lightning strikes or animals setting fires.
Speaker 2: Yes, squirrels smoking that kind of stuff.
Speaker 4: Goats clipping their hoofs together to create a spark.
Speaker 2: Because Setan told them, told me to do it.
Speaker 3: Look at that little girl. She's too young a girl.
Speaker 2: She's golfing. She doesn't give us yet.
Speaker 3: She's so funny.
Speaker 2: God, yay modern girls.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that looks. This is beautiful. Why have I never
Speaker 3: been here?
Speaker 2: And there's look, there's a restaurant.
Speaker 3: We're going to the Castaway.
Speaker 2: The Castaway is this gorgeous restaurant. I've never been here,
Speaker 2: and I've lived in Burbank for fifteen years.
Speaker 3: I wonder if it's now open. Oh there's a sign.
Speaker 2: Yet, yes, there's a humongous sign. I look at this, Stephen,
Speaker 2: will you take this as beautiful?
Speaker 3: Thank you?
Speaker 2: Look at so there's the porch of the Castaway.
Speaker 4: This is that's that's like the house from James Bond.
Speaker 2: Yeah something, this is four romance. This is it's four
Speaker 2: romance only.
Speaker 3: Well, yeah, you can't just go there old suit at
Speaker 3: the bar.
Speaker 2: Yeah no, please my sweatpants and don't go with like
Speaker 2: a workmate that you don't have feelings about, right.
Speaker 3: Right, not makes her it's a romantic workman.
Speaker 2: Uh oh oh no, we're just oh god, sorry, we
Speaker 2: were just trying to look at them.
Speaker 3: We're just looking at the view.
Speaker 2: Turn around.
Speaker 3: Thank you boy. Those guys had some fucking attitude.
Speaker 2: Huh they can those old guys in suits. Oh, it's
Speaker 2: special occasions.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Kids love tuxedos, they just do. They love the tight
Speaker 4: neck and the time. This is really pretty. Yeah, it's
Speaker 4: like the place that's like I would go to eat
Speaker 4: there and then look at the look at the bill
Speaker 4: and then.
Speaker 3: Go what what what?
Speaker 2: What? Yes? I think I think they really goug you
Speaker 2: for this view, But it's kind.
Speaker 3: Of what it's really beautiful.
Speaker 2: Ya. Really tonight is whoever whoever did their made their
Speaker 2: reservation tonight was smart.
Speaker 3: Yeah, why what's tonight?
Speaker 2: That rod view?
Speaker 3: Oh? Yeah, they were sweep.
Speaker 2: At least check the weather because it's rained so much
Speaker 2: lately that it's all there's no pollution for you know,
Speaker 2: about a day and a.
Speaker 3: Half yeah, it's great. Yeah, it is clear out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's beautiful.
Speaker 4: It's really This isn't a bad city. I'm tired of people.
Speaker 4: I mean, it has its problems, let's be honest. I
Speaker 4: don't like it, but it's beautiful so nearby you can
Speaker 4: just which is why, of course Hollywood was here. You
Speaker 4: can mimic the desert. You can mimic pine trees in Montana. Yeah,
Speaker 4: out by just Malibu. It's everything is here.
Speaker 2: Yes, that's why people get such bad allergies because there's
Speaker 2: so many non native plants, because people brought in every
Speaker 2: kind of thing because it they had to because it
Speaker 2: was a desert.
Speaker 4: That's why I have I actually did have a whole
Speaker 4: I don't know what to do with bee pollen, but
Speaker 4: I had to be pallen from where I'm from, and
Speaker 4: I was supposed to take scoops of it, and I
Speaker 4: don't know. My mom told me to put bee pollen in.
Speaker 2: My mouth for better, for so you wouldn't get allergies. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: that makes sense.
Speaker 3: I think so, But I don't want to experiment with pollen.
Speaker 2: Why not. It's just like.
Speaker 3: So I got to be surprised dancing yourself.
Speaker 4: It was literally a whole thing of little yellow pellets
Speaker 4: that you see on little bee's knees.
Speaker 2: Oh remember remember bees, remember alive?
Speaker 3: These were cute.
Speaker 2: Look at that. This looks like a shit. What's that
Speaker 2: artist where it's all like antiquity people laying around in marble?
Speaker 2: Oh things?
Speaker 3: I don't know, but his work is at the Getty. Yes, yes, yeah.
Speaker 2: It's all these clouds. Did you get this, Stephen? I
Speaker 2: love it.
Speaker 3: It's beautiful.
Speaker 2: It's so nice. You from my regular glasses, Stephen. Now
Speaker 2: it's getting too dark oh so pink. Yeah, it's getting
Speaker 2: too dark to them. We're these my prescription sunglasses.
Speaker 3: How do you do it?
Speaker 2: Pocket?
Speaker 4: You're drinking coffee, you're reaching back, you're talking and driving
Speaker 4: and running into this car.
Speaker 2: All I can do it, all I can crash us
Speaker 2: wild changing glasses. Whoops. Now we're in a dust storm.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, from the mud, I'm sure.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah that is what it is. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I looked at houses up here when I moved to Burbank,
Speaker 2: and there were some great ones, and I really loved
Speaker 2: the idea of it, but it just felt weird. It
Speaker 2: just felt like it was a neighborhood of like families
Speaker 2: and adults and I didn't belong. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, well you have your late night parties.
Speaker 2: Oh god, all the intervenous drugs I use. They don't
Speaker 2: want that around.
Speaker 3: In this neighborhood. That is nice. And it looks like
Speaker 3: affordable sort of no fence to these houses.
Speaker 2: Well they've been I think they're like thirties, forties, fifties houses.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's sure, it is beautiful.
Speaker 2: Look see he's taking a picture.
Speaker 3: Of the sky.
Speaker 6: Yeah, not just us is did he fix his hair
Speaker 6: to look like it's I did a costume where as
Speaker 6: a man stuck in the wind, and it looks like
Speaker 6: he did that to his hair, like I just.
Speaker 3: Hair sprayed it and went to the side and taped
Speaker 3: a leaf.
Speaker 2: To my face, like straight back.
Speaker 4: It's the easiest costume member. You just take a suit,
Speaker 4: you put a wire hanger in the tie and have
Speaker 4: that shooting off to the side and gel all your
Speaker 4: hair into that direction, and then put leaves and newspapers
Speaker 4: on the side where the wind is hitting you. And
Speaker 4: it looks like a man in the wind. And it
Speaker 4: takes fifteen minutes.
Speaker 2: And people love it.
Speaker 4: I bet next Halloween or just an off season costume party.
Speaker 3: Feel free to be a man in the wind even
Speaker 3: or a lady.
Speaker 2: Okay, that's all I wanted to hear inclusion informission.
Speaker 3: Please, yes that I bet you.
Speaker 2: That's the kind of costume. People were just delighted with
Speaker 2: you everywhere you are.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and it's easy.
Speaker 4: I always have these costume ideas, and you know some
Speaker 4: other ones.
Speaker 3: Why I was a walking toilet once.
Speaker 4: I made a toilet out of paper rag molded it
Speaker 4: around my own toilet, and then I slipped into it.
Speaker 4: I made little foam rubber legs with little hinged knees,
Speaker 4: and those kind of dangled on top, and then my
Speaker 4: real legs became the legs of the toilet. So I
Speaker 4: put these white leggings on and they attached to the
Speaker 4: bottom of the toilet, and it really looked like a
Speaker 4: guy sitting on a walking toilet.
Speaker 3: It looks so funny.
Speaker 4: Everywhere I went, I just people threw money at me,
Speaker 4: and I won like three different costume contests I did.
Speaker 4: It was a non social Halloween. I went out and
Speaker 4: I made some money.
Speaker 2: You made some ret money.
Speaker 3: M hmm.
Speaker 2: I love it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it was great.
Speaker 4: There's a little toilet in the tank made from styrofoam,
Speaker 4: and there's toilet. There was like toilet paper and magazines
Speaker 4: on the tank. It was just it was the best
Speaker 4: idea I ever had. But with a guy in the wind,
Speaker 4: you can just go to the bathroom. This I had
Speaker 4: encased my torso and chicken wire which was cutting into
Speaker 4: my sides, and I couldn't.
Speaker 3: Take it off and go to the bathroom.
Speaker 4: Wow, Like I didn't think about the bathroom, right, Yeah?
Speaker 2: Did you pee into your own paper mache toilet?
Speaker 4: I don't, I mean, okay, that's yes, Yes, I was
Speaker 4: able to figure it out, but I think it involved
Speaker 4: ripping some hole in my in the toilet tights.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, okay, well look, you know, hey, I did
Speaker 2: what you sure did, and you can also do that.
Speaker 4: You can make a little person like once I shave
Speaker 4: my legs and I was a little witch and I
Speaker 4: was on her shoulders and the witch was like kind
Speaker 4: of smiling and carrying me around, and that would.
Speaker 3: Look very scary.
Speaker 2: It was scary.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, it was very scary.
Speaker 4: She was very sinister, and her back had to be
Speaker 4: hunched for me to be in there.
Speaker 2: And were you acting like she took you against your
Speaker 2: will or that you were getting a wrong It.
Speaker 3: Was a cooperative. Yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, she had her little uh hands made of pantehose
Speaker 4: and foam, and they were holding onto my legs as
Speaker 4: if she was fall Now, I'm a good witch.
Speaker 3: Let me study you.
Speaker 2: That's funny. So it was like a witch mother. Yeah yeah,
Speaker 2: and you were her, You were her little witch baby.
Speaker 4: You know these witches when they make candy houses to
Speaker 4: lower the children, they really are doing it out of me.
Speaker 3: They really want just want to have kids.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, they they want to have kids so they
Speaker 2: can eat them.
Speaker 3: Because yes, look at this.
Speaker 4: Old Some people want to have kids so they can
Speaker 4: become little movie stars.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 3: It's all a gross, beautiful house. Look at that ranch.
Speaker 3: I bet they have a goat.
Speaker 2: I bet that it's a goat family that lives weird
Speaker 2: though all these houses were that one too. They clearly
Speaker 2: a dozen people live there. There was a parking lot. Yes,
Speaker 2: they had parking lines painted in their driveway, right. Yeah,
Speaker 2: some people get into it. Yeah I like it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I guess. I guess you'd have to live with
Speaker 3: a bunch of people in this economy.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, and if you're shipping your whole family over
Speaker 2: from you know, there's a lot of direct from Armenia,
Speaker 2: Armenians that live in this neighborhood.
Speaker 4: Oh, and also it's probably part of the tradition to
Speaker 4: be like, hey, stick with the family.
Speaker 3: Yes, that's how it is.
Speaker 4: In everywhere about America. In America, it's like, my parents
Speaker 4: are old.
Speaker 3: See you guys later. I hope you don't lose your mind.
Speaker 2: Thanks for money.
Speaker 4: It's kind of but in you know, Japan and Native
Speaker 4: American people they live with to the point where it
Speaker 4: seemed to me, like in Montana on reservations, people did
Speaker 4: go to college or they did find a way out,
Speaker 4: and then there's this pressure to stay with the tribe, yes,
Speaker 4: and with the family, and it's and then there's you're
Speaker 4: like locked into this community even if you want to
Speaker 4: get out. And it's kind of there's a really good
Speaker 4: documentary about I wish I knew the name of it,
Speaker 4: but all these these Native American kids that went to
Speaker 4: college and got degrees and then they just went back
Speaker 4: home and became cowboys and dealt with horses, and it's
Speaker 4: like you could be a doctor, but you're paying you
Speaker 4: got to stay with your parents.
Speaker 2: Well, but also there's the that you know, those communities
Speaker 2: need people, I mean from what I know from the
Speaker 2: the murder side, where there's there's it's such there's such
Speaker 2: underserved communities and they don't have good help and representation
Speaker 2: and they don't have you know, police force and all
Speaker 2: those things. It's all it's all like you're on your own,
Speaker 2: as if it was their fucking choice. Yeah, you know,
Speaker 2: to be on a reservation, it's really fucked up.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's exactly right.
Speaker 4: We were at a skate park that had just been built,
Speaker 4: and all these kids are like, finally they have something
Speaker 4: to do, and it's really cool.
Speaker 3: I've talked about that before that. I love that one.
Speaker 3: I'll make a documentary about that.
Speaker 4: But this kid had his hand wrapped and I was like,
Speaker 4: what happened in your hand? And he's like, oh, these
Speaker 4: older kids pushed me and I hurt my hand today.
Speaker 3: And I'm like, oh no.
Speaker 4: And then he was like, but my uncle went and
Speaker 4: beat one of them up, and they because they and
Speaker 4: then they retaliated against my grandpa and one of them
Speaker 4: cut off part of his ear, and I'm like, what
Speaker 4: are you talking about?
Speaker 3: This all happened today.
Speaker 4: And then right then these tribal police were rushing to
Speaker 4: arrest the kid's uncle.
Speaker 3: Or his dad.
Speaker 4: I know, I had a weird version of that story,
Speaker 4: but he just matter of factly it told me this happened.
Speaker 4: And then right then they had to wait for cops
Speaker 4: to come from somewhere else because yeah, there were no
Speaker 4: cops in Browning, right, they were like nearby.
Speaker 3: It was just really, I'm like, you, sweet little boy.
Speaker 4: I'm sorry that you are so calmly having to tell
Speaker 4: this story.
Speaker 3: He's hurt hand.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, god, this is a bummer episode. I know,
Speaker 2: but hey, what are we supposed to do?
Speaker 3: I know I tend to do this, but I'm making
Speaker 3: light of it.
Speaker 2: I got you. You're not You're not speaking of cops.
Speaker 3: Oh shit, everyone, where's that?
Speaker 2: Get all over for podcasting?
Speaker 3: Now? What tiny town?
Speaker 2: It is as cute. It's Kenneth Village really, uh huh.
Speaker 3: They have a commissary.
Speaker 2: I know it's and that there's an Italian restaurant that's
Speaker 2: really good. That because my friend Karen Anderson lives down
Speaker 2: the street here and so we used to come here
Speaker 2: and eat. This is like a classic sixties strip, mall
Speaker 2: made of red.
Speaker 3: Wow? Cool? This are we in La Corsana sort of?
Speaker 2: No? No, we're a bourbonk Okay, this is Bourbank Glendale,
Speaker 2: Like we're moving into the onto the Glendale side of it.
Speaker 4: I mean that looked like a tiny town that you
Speaker 4: would find in the Midwest.
Speaker 2: Also, this is a graveyard.
Speaker 3: Ghosts.
Speaker 2: You can't see it though, because they.
Speaker 3: Built a high No one wants to see that.
Speaker 2: Nobody wants to look at it.
Speaker 3: Wait.
Speaker 2: Now, there was something we were waiting to talk about.
Speaker 2: What do you think.
Speaker 3: Was it something that was a bummer?
Speaker 2: Oh? It was a list of all my sad thoughts.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, here we go, remember one to scroll all
Speaker 2: the pets I've had that have died.
Speaker 3: Do you remember sort of the range of topics that
Speaker 3: it was.
Speaker 2: It would end well, I think it was things that
Speaker 2: have gone on recently. Oh I just went to Honolulu.
Speaker 3: Oh, yes, we were going to talk about Hawaii, Hawaii.
Speaker 2: Because we had the best vacation.
Speaker 4: And you said you spent the whole time wearing black
Speaker 4: long sleeve turtlenss.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 3: So because you're in the theater, turtle, miss.
Speaker 2: Yes, I'm always running props for a play or ready.
Speaker 3: To and uster.
Speaker 2: Yes, always at the ready. I one day me Georgia.
Speaker 2: So it was me Georgia, her husband Vince and Lizzie
Speaker 2: Cooperman and Lizzie. We brought Lizzie with us.
Speaker 4: I saw a picture of her and it's head waiian.
Speaker 3: I thought it was like a no, no, awesome.
Speaker 2: We brought her with us. It was super fun. So
Speaker 2: we went and stayed at this like Lizzie shared my room.
Speaker 2: We just hung out and then one day we tried.
Speaker 2: We were like, we stayed an extra day, so we
Speaker 2: were like, okay, we should actually do something touristy. So
Speaker 2: Vince booked us onto a cat like a Sunset catamaran
Speaker 2: cruise cool, and Lizzie immediately was like, I'm not going
Speaker 2: on that, and so she drops out. And then why
Speaker 2: she just didn't didn't want to?
Speaker 4: Well I would, I mean I wouldn't maybe because I
Speaker 4: was I will get sick on that point.
Speaker 3: Yes, right.
Speaker 2: It looked like the kind of boat you definitely get
Speaker 2: sick on. It had been very windy when we got there,
Speaker 2: so I think we were all a tiny bit nervous.
Speaker 2: Then I go down to meet Georgia and Vince, and
Speaker 2: I don't hear. I realized lately, my have a very
Speaker 2: bad habit. If a text is longer than two lines,
Speaker 2: I will only read the first and last line. I
Speaker 2: don't want to the middle book.
Speaker 3: What did I send you? Short bursts?
Speaker 2: That's or that's the way to communicate. You know.
Speaker 4: What I do though, because I don't like the phone
Speaker 4: constantly going off with each sentence.
Speaker 3: What I do is I mute it. It's all one
Speaker 3: text to you.
Speaker 4: But I put several spaces in between all my points.
Speaker 2: That would be great for me. It's great, Okay, great
Speaker 2: if it's not too much of a pain for you. No,
Speaker 2: Because here's the thing, I just go like, Okay, I
Speaker 2: know what we're doing. I just always assume I know
Speaker 2: what's going on, and I never know what's going on,
Speaker 2: so I just scan things. And Vince very clearly said
Speaker 2: that catamaran the crews I booked us on is out
Speaker 2: in front of Dukes. I didn't know. I assumed Dukes
Speaker 2: was the restaurant down at our hotel. It was down
Speaker 2: the street. It was like ten minutes down the road.
Speaker 3: There's multiple Dukes.
Speaker 2: There's no, no, no, there's just the one I was
Speaker 2: assuming the place. I just made a bunch of weird
Speaker 2: assumptions for in a reason, sure there was a catamaran
Speaker 2: that you could get onto in front of our hotel directly,
Speaker 2: and I think he may have gestured toward it when
Speaker 2: we were talking about it, just to go like one
Speaker 2: of those. But I assumed once he did that, I
Speaker 2: was like, that's where we're going the end. I don't
Speaker 2: need to read any more information about it or even
Speaker 2: look into it, right. So I went down to get
Speaker 2: on that one, and I'm standing. I didn't bring my
Speaker 2: hotel room key because I couldn't find it, and I
Speaker 2: didn't want to be late, which was a dumb choice,
Speaker 2: Like be a couple minutes later and make sure you
Speaker 2: have the thing that gets you in and around the
Speaker 2: entire hotel right right.
Speaker 3: The most important part of hotel living, yes, and.
Speaker 2: Even in the elevator, like all of it.
Speaker 3: Yeh yeah.
Speaker 2: And so I'm stuck in the pool area and I
Speaker 2: have to wait for those guys to get there to
Speaker 2: get me out of the gate and onto the beach.
Speaker 2: So I'm like, are you guys here or whatever? And
Speaker 2: they are assuming I'm coming down there. Uh, very crazy.
Speaker 2: So I'm standing there and I'm looking at all that
Speaker 2: there's a bunch of people in line. I'm watching people
Speaker 2: get out of the catamaran in tank tops and visors
Speaker 2: and shorts and sun dresses and I'm dressed like this,
Speaker 2: all black, long sleeve, Like it doesn't even fucking make
Speaker 2: sense the way I'm dressed. And then I get the
Speaker 2: text that Vince was like, yeah, we don't see you,
Speaker 2: like you keep saying your hair, and then he goes,
Speaker 2: oh no. I'm like, I'm right here in front of
Speaker 2: the hotel. Then he's like oh no, and then he
Speaker 2: re sends me the text that had all the correct information,
Speaker 2: and I was just like, I'm.
Speaker 3: Sorry, it's about dukes. That is a John Wayne museum.
Speaker 2: I'm not just things I named dukes. But then I
Speaker 2: was just like have fun. And then they're like we
Speaker 2: don't want to go. Like everyone was like nobody really
Speaker 2: wanted to go. We were just doing touristy things, so
Speaker 2: we didn't feel bad right right right essentially, And but
Speaker 2: I was like, but doing touristy things makes me feel
Speaker 2: bad because I don't wear tank tops and I don't
Speaker 2: get on boats, and like none of that is anything
Speaker 2: that I am interested in. I just want to participate.
Speaker 3: I know, no, I know.
Speaker 4: I felt like when I was and Mallie, I should
Speaker 4: have been like, wait, I should be climbing waterfalls and swimming,
Speaker 4: and I did do some of that, but there's a
Speaker 4: lot of pressure to be as hawaii as you can
Speaker 4: while you're there.
Speaker 2: Yes, and also just being like I'm super pale, I'd
Speaker 2: burn in one second. Like I don't like being in
Speaker 2: the sun at all. It makes me sick to my stomach.
Speaker 2: I don't wear clothes with trees or plants on them.
Speaker 2: I don't wear pink things or like. All of it
Speaker 2: was just made me feel like a little bit of
Speaker 2: a lunatic.
Speaker 3: I would have to prepare, I would.
Speaker 4: You got to get a bas tand yes, you got
Speaker 4: to hit the tanning move, get a nice bass tand and.
Speaker 2: Then just get some kind of a low key sundress indoor, outdoor, nighttime, daytime,
Speaker 2: you know whatever. I just didn't have Miney.
Speaker 4: It's funny when everyone, the locals and malle when last
Speaker 4: times and why they made fun of me for just
Speaker 4: owning socks. No that socks, it's flip flops. People were
Speaker 4: pointing and like, hey, nice socks. And then I realized
Speaker 4: because I only brought a few pair of socks. I
Speaker 4: went to one of those ABC stores that are everywhere
Speaker 4: there the best, and I asked if they sold socks
Speaker 4: and they just laughed in my face. Like socks are
Speaker 4: like snakes and Hawaii, they just don't exist.
Speaker 3: Yeah, people don't bring them in.
Speaker 2: Nope, you're not allowed to.
Speaker 4: You can take your socks and your snakes and your
Speaker 4: soil and get get back to the mainland.
Speaker 3: Turtle, HOWI howe?
Speaker 4: Yeah, now when you when you stop being a howey Holly.
Speaker 4: That's from the movie North Shore.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I know.
Speaker 4: And that was a white guy that sounded like that.
Speaker 4: I know it sounded like I was doing him, but
Speaker 4: you were.
Speaker 2: Doing an impression of a racist white guy.
Speaker 4: No, this guy Turtle from North Shore. It's a great movie, okay, Yeah,
Speaker 4: a guy from Arizona that learns to surf in a
Speaker 4: wave pool and then he wins the big surf us
Speaker 4: Open or pipeline or whatever. Sure, yeah, it's a great movie, okay.
Speaker 4: And he's a graphic designer and that's how he pays
Speaker 4: for his lessons.
Speaker 2: Now, north Shore? Would that then take place on o Wahu?
Speaker 2: Was it one of those like a like a big
Speaker 2: wave surfing competition.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but like a lot of movies, it's probably just
Speaker 4: all took place in Maui, and that none of it
Speaker 4: was really true, Oh God.
Speaker 2: And make locals sick to their stomach.
Speaker 3: Yeah, oh man, that's not where the main hut is.
Speaker 2: But can I ask, were you wearing flip flops with socks.
Speaker 4: I do not wear flip flops. I'm opposed to them.
Speaker 4: I do not like how they feel. I do not
Speaker 4: like the blisters that happened between my toes. I don't
Speaker 4: like how they sound. I don't like the sound. I
Speaker 4: don't like flips. I don't like flops, and I don't
Speaker 4: like stubbing my fucking toe everywhere I go.
Speaker 2: Okay, I do.
Speaker 3: Like rhyming, but I don't like my telling. I do
Speaker 3: like shoes, and I do have.
Speaker 5: Terrible I'm sorry, I'm a wordsmith.
Speaker 4: A lot of people think that's an old timey version
Speaker 4: of comedy.
Speaker 2: Oh can I tell you a story about flip flops
Speaker 2: in Hawaiian? Yes, I was wearing. I have flip flops because,
Speaker 2: as you know, and as I like to complain about,
Speaker 2: I have planter fascy itis on my feet now sure,
Speaker 2: which is a tightening of the muscle that goes from
Speaker 2: the bottom of your underneath your toes all the way
Speaker 2: up your hamstring to your butt, and it tightens up
Speaker 2: and then you can't walk. It hurts really nice.
Speaker 3: You gotta just kick you get the blood in your leg.
Speaker 2: Actually I was swimming there before when in the fall.
Speaker 2: I was swimming every morning and it was really helping.
Speaker 2: And then it got very cold and I was trying
Speaker 2: to turn the heater on and fight the cold. And
Speaker 2: then my poolman said, please don't do this anymore, okay,
Speaker 2: and so I turned the heat on.
Speaker 3: One thing I like about him, he's so classy.
Speaker 2: He's really classy. And he also always signs all of
Speaker 2: his like envelopes to me. He'll put like a note
Speaker 2: on my car that says please fill up the pool,
Speaker 2: and he always signs it mister poolman.
Speaker 3: Oh really, yes, terrific. You do know I know your name.
Speaker 2: I know your name. Circus is your name. You've been
Speaker 2: my circus. His name is Circus, not spelled like circus.
Speaker 3: Oh god.
Speaker 2: He's been my pullman for like ten years and he
Speaker 2: still is like from the poolman or mister poolman. I'm
Speaker 2: just like, I know you. We talk all the time.
Speaker 2: So we're in Hawaii. I'm wearing my special flip flops
Speaker 2: for Planter Fasciatus. They give you lots of arch support,
Speaker 2: but they're kind of rubbery, so they've got a crocs
Speaker 2: element to them.
Speaker 3: But they're flip flops.
Speaker 2: So they're a bit slippery. It's insanely windy and rainy.
Speaker 2: We're walking up to Starbucks. Lizzie and I are out
Speaker 2: like shopping, and I go, hey, can I go get
Speaker 2: a Starbucks? And she's like sure, and I'm like a
Speaker 2: couple steps ahead of her. I walk up the steps
Speaker 2: and on the third step, I don't lift my left
Speaker 2: foot high enough. My flip flop catches on the steps.
Speaker 3: Flop move.
Speaker 2: I start tripping and falling but catching myself, so I fall,
Speaker 2: catch myself, fall more, catch myself again, and then fall
Speaker 2: into the Starbucks front window, like just like a cartoon.
Speaker 2: We're like, literally it was this. It was so loud
Speaker 2: and it's a miracle that window didn't break because I
Speaker 2: fell against it hard.
Speaker 3: What it did, Oh god.
Speaker 2: It was that would actually be the perfect way for
Speaker 2: me to die. It would be like exactly right for
Speaker 2: meanders flip flop fiasco. It was God, it was so embarrassing.
Speaker 2: I didn't get Starbucks because I couldn't go in. And
Speaker 2: then I was thinking, okay, I was just telling myself
Speaker 2: that's probably just that side area that's like the hallway
Speaker 2: back to the bathroom. So but I bet you no
Speaker 2: one saw it. When I finally got the guts to
Speaker 2: go to that Starbucks. It was the smallest Starbucks, and
Speaker 2: I basically fell into the window where everyone's just face
Speaker 2: you know.
Speaker 4: From their point of view, it was just silent in
Speaker 4: there there listening to Sarah mclachlin's new compilation that they
Speaker 4: sell by them Mint yep. And then there's a big
Speaker 4: thud and then you just with a red face walking.
Speaker 2: The opposite yep.
Speaker 3: Oh did you did your face press against didn't.
Speaker 2: My left cheek, my left arm, my left cheek. I mean,
Speaker 2: I was like, like it was ridiculous, oily impression. It
Speaker 2: was so embarrassing.
Speaker 3: One time I saw this guy.
Speaker 5: It was sad because he's older, but he had these
Speaker 5: bags of ice. Ice fell out of one and then
Speaker 5: he slipped on those ice and then dove and belly
Speaker 5: flopped on the other bag of ice and ice went
Speaker 5: everywhere and he.
Speaker 3: Slid and I left right out. I was right there
Speaker 3: and I laughed at his fall. I couldn't help it, No,
Speaker 3: how could you not?
Speaker 4: It's just all these elements lining up. If it didn't hurt,
Speaker 4: he would have appreciated it.
Speaker 2: Was he hurt a little.
Speaker 4: I think, so I just ran away. I just had
Speaker 4: to get away. It's it's so funny when people fall.
Speaker 2: It's so funny when people think it's what I watch
Speaker 2: on Instagram.
Speaker 3: I just I have a problem.
Speaker 2: Have you seen the gifts? This is my favorite gift,
Speaker 2: and I think this girl did it on perfect right. No,
Speaker 2: I have the popcorn one. It's a girl inside what
Speaker 2: looks like it looks just like the movie theater at
Speaker 2: the Grove, but she's walking and holding a huge tub
Speaker 2: of popcorn, and she's and she basically walks, starts to
Speaker 2: like kind of starts to trip, and then basically like
Speaker 2: does three huge steps and then just bites it on
Speaker 2: her face like she's sliding into home bank.
Speaker 3: Look at her. Look at that.
Speaker 2: But don't you think she did it on purpose? There's
Speaker 2: no reason she did.
Speaker 4: There is that might be there's a girl that falls
Speaker 4: publicly and it was early YouTube, and I think that's her.
Speaker 3: I don't care.
Speaker 4: She's physically talented at Oh, we almost did this is
Speaker 4: the intersection, Yes, and you almost pulled.
Speaker 2: That guy called no, But I would never do you
Speaker 2: know that, thank you.
Speaker 3: For putting your arm in front of me. I would
Speaker 3: have launched across the hood.
Speaker 2: You would have gone right into this Starbucks window. Of
Speaker 2: my windshiet, I.
Speaker 3: Would have tossed out like a human book bag.
Speaker 2: Do you know that? That's one of the main reasons
Speaker 2: that my ex and I got together was he used
Speaker 2: to do falls like that in front of people on
Speaker 2: purpose all the time, really, and everyone thought it was
Speaker 2: real and it was one of my It was like
Speaker 2: one of the most delightful things. He always did it
Speaker 2: because he'd always if we went to the beach, he'd
Speaker 2: be like, I'm gonna go jump in the water, and
Speaker 2: then when he would run out of the water, he
Speaker 2: would find like a pack of teenagers and run out
Speaker 2: of the water near them and then just fucking bite
Speaker 2: it on the beach and they would all laugh at him,
Speaker 2: and he would act like all hurt and sad, But
Speaker 2: he completely did on purpose. He used to do it
Speaker 2: at work all the time too. He pretend to be
Speaker 2: calling someone and be like, oh hey, and like start
Speaker 2: jogging and then just like bite it on the carpet.
Speaker 2: Is really one of my favorite.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's a great my dad did that, and there
Speaker 4: was like a parent teacher thing, and I think I
Speaker 4: was in trouble for.
Speaker 3: You know, I got in trouble sometimes.
Speaker 4: And uh, and my dad to lighten the mood, and
Speaker 4: my friends knew he was kidding. But he fell down
Speaker 4: the like the marble stairs, like pretended his head was
Speaker 4: hitting him, but he just slid down him because it
Speaker 4: was so funny. And then everyone's concerned and then all
Speaker 4: of a sudden the focus wasn't on me or that's
Speaker 4: how the story.
Speaker 3: Is going right now.
Speaker 2: That's a good dad move, Yeah it is.
Speaker 3: It's a good dad falls down the.
Speaker 2: Stairs for his rebellious son, ye who won't listen.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's the best. Good job, Good job Jim, Good
Speaker 3: job Jim. Yeah, both are gyms.
Speaker 2: We have two gym dads.
Speaker 3: There's a Yeah, my dad's always the goddamn Jim. See
Speaker 3: that just came. That's one of my dumb jokes.
Speaker 2: Is it in the special?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Can we find that level?
Speaker 4: A lot of it isn't a lot of what I do.
Speaker 4: It didn't make it in because he was a good
Speaker 4: crowd and they were like, no, let's don't put that
Speaker 4: one in. And then if something was good they're like,
Speaker 4: yes that they were the best crowd.
Speaker 2: That's great.
Speaker 3: Yeah it was.
Speaker 2: Uh, don't put that one.
Speaker 4: Speaking of Jim's, there's a lot of a lot of
Speaker 4: requests for you to have your dad.
Speaker 2: I would love it.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: The only thing is, and I think I've told you this,
Speaker 2: but my dad is just like the Hello my Baby
Speaker 2: frog from that from that cartoon where you open the
Speaker 2: box and the frog dances and lives on the hat
Speaker 2: and then if somebody comes around, he won't do it. Yeah,
Speaker 2: of course, And that's what my dad's always been like.
Speaker 2: But I think if I trick my dad, if I
Speaker 2: get if I say can we do this? And he agrees,
Speaker 2: but then I don't tell him we're recording, right, that's
Speaker 2: going to be the key.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that would be great.
Speaker 2: Because I do that a lot. I've done it a
Speaker 2: couple of times where like he does a lot of impressions. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: when we're watching TV, like somebody will come on, He'll
Speaker 2: start talking about how much he doesn't like that person.
Speaker 2: Then I'll do it impression. But if he knows I'm
Speaker 2: recording him, he thinks it's.
Speaker 3: A good plan. Yeah.
Speaker 4: Some of my funniest friends growing up, so funny, funnier
Speaker 4: than most comics I know. But yes, if you say, hey,
Speaker 4: tell that story or did, they can't. It's just like
Speaker 4: it takes practice to get comfortable doing that. I had
Speaker 4: to learned, and I used to get petrified. If someone's like,
Speaker 4: do the thing you did today, I'm like, well, now
Speaker 4: I can't.
Speaker 3: You want it? You want me to do it?
Speaker 2: That's funny because I've always done it. I think because
Speaker 2: my sister, Oh, I'm here, we go.
Speaker 3: No, my sister own that guy didn't like that. We
Speaker 3: weren't going ninety. I hope you hit a tree.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, tree that deserves it, a bad tree. My
Speaker 2: sister always made me perform, so it was almost like
Speaker 2: I never thought there was a choice, right right. And
Speaker 2: my family would do it too. It'd be like, Karen
Speaker 2: stand up and sing that song, and I'd be like, well,
Speaker 2: I guess that's this is my job in the family.
Speaker 3: And I don't know.
Speaker 4: If it embarrasses you or what, but I when I
Speaker 4: saw you on America's Funny as Idiot or something where
Speaker 4: you submitted your own if you were a kid really
Speaker 4: or you were in your twenties, I was eighteen eighteen,
Speaker 4: I did and I know it was like a valley
Speaker 4: girl or something. I knew of you and I met
Speaker 4: you on like a party when I visited once and
Speaker 4: I saw that on TV. I'm like, that's how she
Speaker 4: got her start. Thank you, Bob Saga, thank you.
Speaker 2: It was Dave Coolier. It was that old god even older.
Speaker 4: When I did just for laughs, he shut up and
Speaker 4: did his jackalope. He brought a little rabbit head with
Speaker 4: antlers and did.
Speaker 3: His fastest fast convey your can't catch.
Speaker 4: Me from funniest American videos and from Canada whatever it
Speaker 4: was all, and it was.
Speaker 3: The crowd was just like, uh, they were in shock.
Speaker 3: And it did not go well.
Speaker 2: No, I bet it didn't. People don't want that shit. No,
Speaker 2: they already had it.
Speaker 3: I want that shit.
Speaker 2: They don't want unheated leftovers. No thanks, I'm on the
Speaker 2: comedy Festival.
Speaker 3: Not cool ah, not cool cool eh, I'm coolieh God.
Speaker 2: We've been heartbreaking.
Speaker 3: We've been bromming people out. Primarily, we've been.
Speaker 2: Very critical of a lot of things that maybe we
Speaker 2: shouldn't even be talking about. Sure, sure, we've gone into
Speaker 2: areas we've never gone into before.
Speaker 3: Have I said things I'll regret?
Speaker 2: We'll find out. We'll find out if the price is right.
Speaker 3: Oh, I hope I get some tweets.
Speaker 2: Anything to plug Chris any appearances.
Speaker 4: Oh, I just thought of something. I just booked some
Speaker 4: shows in San Francisco at the Shelton Theater. It's a
Speaker 4: show called Cheaper Than Therapy. I'm there from February twenty
Speaker 4: first to the twenty fourth, So go to that if
Speaker 4: you live in the Bay Area.
Speaker 2: And then we have we're going to have a very
Speaker 2: special guest coming up soon.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I may or may not have alluded to that earlier.
Speaker 3: If you don't.
Speaker 2: Remember dance, you're probably kind rewind.
Speaker 3: How about you? What are you? What are you doing?
Speaker 2: We just we're doing shows on the road.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so check theater near you.
Speaker 2: Check a theater near you. But I am going to
Speaker 2: be at the I'm going to be at Largo on
Speaker 2: March fourth doing the Squars Live podcast. I think that's
Speaker 2: something people can go to if they want to.
Speaker 3: Sure.
Speaker 2: Oh you know what, I just did erotic fan fiction
Speaker 2: the other night. Oh that's pretty fun and I'd never
Speaker 2: done it before. It was to improvise one given to
Speaker 2: you on this Yeah. Yeah, the pre written stuff.
Speaker 3: That's not for me.
Speaker 2: No, I did the improvise one. I did one about
Speaker 2: Mark Zuckerberg making toast sexually and it was super fun.
Speaker 3: It is fun. It also has the potential to not
Speaker 3: be fun.
Speaker 4: That's why that show when it goes well kind of
Speaker 4: like setlist where you have to make up jokes based
Speaker 4: on some words.
Speaker 3: When it goes well, you really appreciate it. Yeah, like
Speaker 3: you did.
Speaker 2: Something because I feel like it could have been one
Speaker 2: of two ways.
Speaker 4: No, I've had it go both ways and one and sweaty,
Speaker 4: and then it's really sweaty like now.
Speaker 3: But well then it's good to see you.
Speaker 2: Yes, you're too, my friend.
Speaker 3: Good to see you, Stephen, to see you.
Speaker 2: Thank you, Steven, you've been listening.
Speaker 3: Do you need a ride? D y n A?
Speaker 2: Are angry? Neighbor? Are leaving? I you wanna way back home?
Speaker 2: Either way, we want to be there.
Speaker 1: Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us
Speaker 1: time and a turmano and gage. We want to send
Speaker 1: you off inside.
Speaker 2: We want to welcome you back home.
Speaker 1: Tell us all about it.
Speaker 2: We scared her? Was it fine.
Speaker 3: Now? Porn?
Speaker 2: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 5: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 4: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 2: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 2: Do you need to ride? Do you need.
Speaker 3: With Karen and Chris MHM