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Speaker 1: You are listening to What in the Winkler and iHeartRadio podcast. Hi,

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Speaker 1: welcome back to another episode of What in the Winkler.

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Speaker 1: Today we have two very special guests, Ashley Graber and

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Speaker 1: Maria Evans. They have written a book together called Raising

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Speaker 1: Calm Kids in a World of Worry, which is right

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Speaker 1: up my alley. So let's let them in.

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Speaker 2: Hi.

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Speaker 3: Hi, Hi, Zoey.

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Speaker 1: Hi Maria, Hi Ashley. Nice to meet you.

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Speaker 2: Nice to meet you too. Thank you guys for doing this,

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Speaker 2: of course absolutely, we're so glad too.

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Speaker 1: So thank you both for joining us. I just did

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Speaker 1: your intro, so we talked a little bit about you two,

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Speaker 1: and just you know, the book basically is all I said.

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Speaker 1: So I would love to know how you guys know

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Speaker 1: each other, how you guys connected, and what the story

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Speaker 1: is about this book.

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Speaker 3: That's a great first question. Many many years ago I

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Speaker 3: started a networking group called Therapists of West Los Angeles,

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Speaker 3: and Ashley came to the very first meeting, and I

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Speaker 3: didn't know her, but she came right up and introduced herself,

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Speaker 3: and we knew that we were both child therapists and

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Speaker 3: parent coaches and that we had a similar angle of mindfulness.

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Speaker 3: And attachment theory and connection. And not too long after

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Speaker 3: there was some period where we met for tea and

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Speaker 3: we just looked at each other and we said, we

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Speaker 3: have to do something to get information out to every

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Speaker 3: parent out there, even the ones who can't afford parent

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Speaker 3: coaching or don't live in Los Angeles or you know,

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Speaker 3: the ones that were not immediately treating, and we just

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Speaker 3: we just knew that it was something we were going

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Speaker 3: to do together.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's amazing, So full disclosure. I know Maria because

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Speaker 1: Maria worked with one of my children and she's done

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Speaker 1: some parenting work for me, and I have just felt

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Speaker 1: like a connection to Maria and Ashley. Actually I've called

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Speaker 1: you before too. I just you know, I try to

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Speaker 1: reach out to every therapist and alist vibally do for

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Speaker 1: full But so I I am somebody that really struggles

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Speaker 1: with anxiety, and especially after I had my first child,

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Speaker 1: I really I had postpartum anxiety, which no one had

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Speaker 1: really talked about. There was, you know, postpartum depression, but

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Speaker 1: I didn't even know what this was that I was

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Speaker 1: struggling with because I felt extremely connected to my child,

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Speaker 1: only almost like insanely connected to my child. So it

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Speaker 1: wasn't that. I wasn't like, you know, oh wait, that

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Speaker 1: feels weird because what you look out for, what you're

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Speaker 1: told to look out for, kind of is not feeling

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Speaker 1: connected to your child. And so some of some of

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Speaker 1: my kids anxieties I've always attributed to myself because like

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Speaker 1: it's hereditary. Is it hereditary? I don't even know, but

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Speaker 1: I think it is.

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Speaker 3: Is it partly?

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Speaker 1: Partly? And so I feel like in the last you know,

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Speaker 1: since COVID, really there's been like this huge sort of

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Speaker 1: surge in kids needing some extra help. And I don't

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Speaker 1: know if it's just because like the gentle parenting and

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Speaker 1: all that kind of stuff, or I don't know what,

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Speaker 1: But can you guys, do you guys see what I'm saying, Like,

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Speaker 1: because because I've called many therapists and everyone's like, we're full.

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Speaker 1: So there's gotta be you know, it's a it's a

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Speaker 1: hot topic. So so what do you guys attribute that?

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Speaker 1: Like huge sort of uptick in kids dealing with anxiety too?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's there has been. And the pandemic we saw

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Speaker 2: we were probably busier than we've ever been. We were

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Speaker 2: seeing much more dramatic presentations of anxiety. And depression. There

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Speaker 2: was always anxiety and depression, but it seemed like that

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Speaker 2: there was definitely more of it, and I think it

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Speaker 2: was at least I can only speak to this country

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Speaker 2: the first time that we were all in our lifetimes

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Speaker 2: in something all together. And there was a sense of

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Speaker 2: kind of a normalization, a bit of a normalization that

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Speaker 2: also happened around anxiety and therapy and getting help at

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Speaker 2: that time, because the Surgeon General was talking about it.

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Speaker 2: Everybody was talking about out worry and anxiety, and they

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Speaker 2: were even saying to get everyone tested for it. Go

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Speaker 2: to your doctor, go to your therapist, and have some

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Speaker 2: kind of screening done. It was also very scary because

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Speaker 2: and I don't think I certainly have to explain this

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Speaker 2: to you or the listeners, because it was something so

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Speaker 2: incredibly unknown to sit to us. And we just when

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Speaker 2: we don't know any have any containment around something, it

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Speaker 2: does cause us to worry a lot more. And it

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Speaker 2: felt like at the pandemic things just went on, and

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Speaker 2: certainly in California went on and on and on.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you know. The other thing is anytime that there's change,

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Speaker 3: which includes the fires that just happened, we see an

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Speaker 3: uptick in anxiety.

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Speaker 1: And I was going to say, it feels like every

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Speaker 1: second of my life raising children is like unprecedented. But

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Speaker 1: I don't know if my parents felt that way too.

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Speaker 1: I really don't know, but it's like every I mean,

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Speaker 1: the fires were terrifying, and I think I spoke to

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Speaker 1: Maria a little bit about this, because, you know, when

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Speaker 1: something scary is happening in the world, sometimes, depending on

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Speaker 1: the age of your kids, you can sort of protect

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Speaker 1: them from from it, you know, and give very you know,

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Speaker 1: give information, but you can sort of control the narrative.

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Speaker 1: With the fires, there was just absolutely no way to

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Speaker 1: control because you know, friends were losing their homes, you know,

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Speaker 1: schools were can't I mean, it was so packing things up,

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Speaker 1: you know, So I wonder do you guys also feel

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Speaker 1: like these last couple of years have also been unprecedented

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Speaker 1: for parents and for kids or is that just like

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Speaker 1: what I feel because I'm so I'm also so stressed out,

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Speaker 1: which is Surgeon General just said that parents are super stressed.

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Speaker 3: That's right. Oh, absolutely, yeah, It's completely different these last

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Speaker 3: few years. I always think parents are absolute heroes. Right now,

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Speaker 3: it is so difficult to pairing in this age, and

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Speaker 3: like you said, it's a combination of just so much

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Speaker 3: coming at us and then also not knowing how to

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Speaker 3: make it feel safe for kids. And that's really why

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Speaker 3: we wrote the book, because we have a framework that

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Speaker 3: regardless of what's going on out there, you can still

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Speaker 3: help make it feel a little bit more contained at

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Speaker 3: home through the relationship with you as the parent, and

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Speaker 3: through the way that you talk about everything, even if

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Speaker 3: you're completely scared yourself or you have no idea what's

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Speaker 3: going to happen next, which often happens you know.

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Speaker 1: So if you guys could give like a cliff Notes

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Speaker 1: version of your book, like what is the main what

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Speaker 1: is the main takeaway for this book?

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Speaker 2: Well, it's a lot of what you're talking about, Zoe

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Speaker 2: that parents don't know. Is this worry? Is it? Should

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Speaker 2: I be worried? Is there more worry happening? And so

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Speaker 2: we really describe what is it, how to spot it

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Speaker 2: in your child, and then a solution to it, which

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Speaker 2: is our safer parenting method. And we really wanted parents

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Speaker 2: to be able to just pick up the book and

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Speaker 2: feel like they were seen in it as well. So

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Speaker 2: we give antidotes and examples and that are real life examples.

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Speaker 2: So that when a parent reads it, they can say, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 2: that is like my child or that is like me

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Speaker 2: and I can and they can recognize themselves in it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, And the basic idea we would say is all

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Speaker 3: about emotional safety. So, no matter what's going on out there,

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Speaker 3: no matter how uncontrolled it is, how can you create

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Speaker 3: emotional safety for your child so that they know I

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Speaker 3: really like myself, I belong, I have a community that

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Speaker 3: loves me, I have a parent that will come get

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Speaker 3: me no matter what's happening. And I have a parent

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Speaker 3: that I can come and talk to about the scary

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Speaker 3: things and so are safer. Parenting methodology is all about

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Speaker 3: how to create that sense of safety in your child

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Speaker 3: throughout their lifetime so that overall their anxiety levels stay lower,

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Speaker 3: don't rise to that real peak where it starts to

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Speaker 3: feel really unmanageable.

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Speaker 2: While all this stuff is going on in the world

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Speaker 2: around them.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's crazy. I mean it's like every day. I

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Speaker 1: mean for me at least, like I read something and

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Speaker 1: then I immediately feel anxiety. So I can imagine what

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Speaker 1: our kids hear and feel because they do hear way

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Speaker 1: more than we think that they hear, and they pick

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Speaker 1: up on way more than we think that they pick

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Speaker 1: up on, you know. So it's like it's just it's hard.

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Speaker 1: But writing a book with a partner, do you guys

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Speaker 1: normally like agree on things? Are there some things that

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Speaker 1: you see very differently?

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Speaker 3: You know? Amazingly That's the thing we said throughout this

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Speaker 3: whole thread of all four years of doing this project.

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Speaker 3: Is the coolest part about this is that from both

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Speaker 3: of our expertise, every point that we want to make

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Speaker 3: we're completely aligned on.

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Speaker 1: That's amazing.

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Speaker 3: Yes, well it's pretty common sense. You know. The thing

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Speaker 3: that people say when they read the book is, you know,

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Speaker 3: it's so easy to read and it makes sense, and

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Speaker 3: I feel like I can apply the tools. And that's

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Speaker 3: because these are things that we know work and they're doable.

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Speaker 3: So you know, you know, as a parent, it's so

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Speaker 3: overwhelming to even have one tip or one thing to

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Speaker 3: think about for the week of Okay, I just want

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Speaker 3: you to try this one thing. And if you can

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Speaker 3: just hold one thing at a time, even for a

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Speaker 3: week or two and just practice it three or four times,

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Speaker 3: you're golden. I mean, that's already going to make a difference,

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Speaker 3: you know, And it's overwhelming. So I mean to make

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Speaker 3: it personal, Zoe, I would say, I think the thing

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Speaker 3: you do best as a parent on who has a

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Speaker 3: public channel is that you make it so normal. You

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Speaker 3: normalize the fact that parenting is hard and that parents

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Speaker 3: are overwhelmed and that there's legitimate anxiety, and that you

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Speaker 3: show up with them every single day.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you, Wria. Yeah, I mean it's very you know,

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Speaker 1: for me, I think being a parent is my most

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Speaker 1: favorite and important job. And my parents used to say

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Speaker 1: to me all the time, like it would be so

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Speaker 1: much easier to just say yes to you, like you

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Speaker 1: have no idea. We wish that we could just say yes,

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Speaker 1: but that wouldn't be you know, good parenting. It was

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Speaker 1: like something you know, because I would I was, I

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Speaker 1: was feisty, and I think about that all the time,

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Speaker 1: Like it's such a hard job and it feels like

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Speaker 1: in twenty twenty five, we have like less support than

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Speaker 1: ever on a job, but we're doing it. It's compounded

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Speaker 1: by so many outside things, but like no one's really

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Speaker 1: I mean maybe because we live in LA and it's

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Speaker 1: like everyone talks about it here and I go to

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Speaker 1: my kids go to a very like social emotional based school,

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Speaker 1: but it still feels like people don't really want to

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Speaker 1: talk about what parenting feels like. And if you want

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Speaker 1: to do a good job, you know, and you want

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Speaker 1: to and you want your kids to be I don't

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Speaker 1: care if my kids get straight a's, like I want

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Speaker 1: them to be kind people who really really really feel

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Speaker 1: good inside, and then they'll get the grades will come,

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Speaker 1: you know, with that, but it's really hard to know, like, Okay, well,

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Speaker 1: also as a parent, how much of this stuff is

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Speaker 1: my stuff and how much of this is is actually them?

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Speaker 1: Do you guys have like a way to sort of

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Speaker 1: to feel that question, like is this me?

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Speaker 3: Is this them?

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Speaker 1: Is what's going on?

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Speaker 2: It's a great question. We actually kind of do both

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Speaker 2: in the book because we give those descriptions right in

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Speaker 2: the beginning of the book of what is worry and

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Speaker 2: how to spot it? And then there are at the

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Speaker 2: end of every chest there are some reflection questions for

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Speaker 2: our parents to go through, and you can really take

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Speaker 2: a moment and just sit with are these things that

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Speaker 2: are showing up in my child? And or are they

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Speaker 2: showing up in me? And you asked the question earlier

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Speaker 2: about is it does anxiety run in families? And it

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Speaker 2: does in the fact that if we feel tense about something,

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Speaker 2: that's going to be the mood, and or if we

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Speaker 2: feel angry about something, that's going to be the mood.

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Speaker 2: And so it really does give you an opportunity to

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Speaker 2: go through the book and make notes, but to parse

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Speaker 2: out what are the things that I'm seeing and if

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Speaker 2: you're seeing them in yourself as a parent, and you're

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Speaker 2: seeing them in your child as a parent, Okay, that's

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Speaker 2: okay because then you have the information and you know

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Speaker 2: what to do with it as a parent. Because the solution,

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Speaker 2: which is our safe parenting solution, and Maria mentioned this before,

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Speaker 2: if a parent were to open up the book and

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Speaker 2: say work on s which is set the tone, and

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Speaker 2: work on that for a long time, then things would

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Speaker 2: change in their family, even if they didn't also implement

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Speaker 2: the rest of the letters. We're not suggesting you don't,

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Speaker 2: but as Maria said, parenting, you all are so busy

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Speaker 2: and it's such a big job you're and there isn't

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Speaker 2: always a lot of support, so jumping in and being

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Speaker 2: able to start wherever you are, as we say as therapist,

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Speaker 2: but the book really does offer very clear and Maria

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Speaker 2: made mention of this earlier We wanted it to be

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Speaker 2: simple and easy to digest, so that when you are

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Speaker 2: busy in your parenting, it's easy to take in and

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Speaker 2: easy to understand.

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Speaker 1: So what are the letters like? What you mentioned the letters?

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Speaker 1: Do you want to go over them?

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Speaker 3: Are you ready for them? We're ready. I'm ready to

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Speaker 3: do the real quick, I guess is set the tone.

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Speaker 3: So the thing to remember is calm is contagious. Palm

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Speaker 3: is contagious, right, and so is worry. So that's all

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Speaker 3: about how do you set a calm tone at home?

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Speaker 3: How do you not catastrophize and you know, freak out

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Speaker 3: that the Amazon package hasn't arrived. Right. A is allow

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Speaker 3: feelings to guide behaviors. How do we get our kids

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Speaker 3: to start to breathe or jump to a coping tool

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Speaker 3: instead of throwing a shoe against the wall. F is

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Speaker 3: form identity. That's all about how do we create good

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Speaker 3: self esteem in kids. That's that belonging chapter, which is

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Speaker 3: how do we make them feel like they really have

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Speaker 3: a community? E is engaged like a pro. This one's

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Speaker 3: super fun. This is our therapist secrets for how to

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Speaker 3: talk to kids to get them to open up and

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Speaker 3: what parents do to stop the flow of conversation which

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Speaker 3: every parent sees themselves in that chapter, which.

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Speaker 1: Is totally Can you give an example normal of that,

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Speaker 1: like what would be like a good question, what would

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Speaker 1: be a question to like get the flow going, and

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Speaker 1: what would turn off the flow?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, well, we can talk about the barriers you want

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Speaker 3: to do that?

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Speaker 2: Oh okay, Yeah, well, I want to just say in

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Speaker 2: the things that get in the way of engaging is

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Speaker 2: when we get too big, too small, or kind of

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Speaker 2: do nothing at all. So if we over maximize, so

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Speaker 2: we kind of get oh my gosh, what I can't

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Speaker 2: believe that this thing is happening, Or we minimize right

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Speaker 2: where we kind of dismiss something, or we just don't

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Speaker 2: do anything at all. And so the maximizing and minimizing

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Speaker 2: means we get too big or we just dismiss it

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Speaker 2: all together. And then the last one is fixing, and

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Speaker 2: that is the hardest one for parents because your job

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Speaker 2: in the world is to fix. And so rather than

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Speaker 2: just listen, we jump in with a solution. And we

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Speaker 2: have a tip that we really love which can help

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Speaker 2: with this, which is to ask a child, do you

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Speaker 2: want me to give you feedback on this? Or would

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Speaker 2: you like me to just be on your team and listen,

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Speaker 2: and in that way, you kind of know where is

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Speaker 2: the kiddo at. And they may say I don't want

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Speaker 2: you to say anything and then ask you for something

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Speaker 2: or the other can happen, But that question is a

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Speaker 2: golden question when you're just not sure what you're supposed

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Speaker 2: to do in the moment.

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Speaker 1: I mean I say that to my husband sometimes, you know,

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Speaker 1: like I just I just need you to listen. I don't,

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Speaker 1: I don't need to, you know, It's like it's such an

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Speaker 1: important so to teach your children early, you know, how

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Speaker 1: to get their needs met is such a beautiful thing,

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Speaker 1: you know, in a in relationship and when you're like

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Speaker 1: kind of seeking outside help or you know, is there

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Speaker 1: like a specific People have asked me this before, like

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Speaker 1: when do you know if your child could benefit from therapy?

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Speaker 1: I mean, I'm a firm believer that everyone can benefit

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Speaker 1: from therapy, but what would you guys say?

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Speaker 3: Well, one thing to know is that early intervention is great.

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Speaker 3: So the earlier you're teaching your child these tools better.

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Speaker 3: They don't necessarily have to be in therapy to learn

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Speaker 3: the tools, which is why we have the book.

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Speaker 1: But you can learn them and then teach them exactly.

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Speaker 3: But in terms of really taking a look at, wow,

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Speaker 3: I should really get my child some help. You want

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Speaker 3: to look at how much their symptoms are getting in

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Speaker 3: the way of daily life. So are they waking up

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Speaker 3: with tummy aches and saying I can't get I don't

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Speaker 3: want to go to school, or are they excited for

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Speaker 3: a play date and then they can't get themselves there

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Speaker 3: because of some catastrophizing they're doing, or some avoidance or fear.

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Speaker 3: Sometimes attachment is real big, so we see separation, anxiety, Papa,

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Speaker 3: you might see regression, you might I'm sure you're familiar

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Speaker 3: with that term, right when kids are just sort of

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Speaker 3: sliding backwards a little bit. And we saw a lot

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Speaker 3: of that in the pandemic and during the fires, and

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Speaker 3: are still seeing it now. So generally after a big event,

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Speaker 3: it's very normal for kids to have reactions and symptoms

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Speaker 3: for the first three or four weeks, and we say,

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Speaker 3: you know, they're having a normal reaction to an abnormal event.

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Speaker 3: But if that persists and you're seeing them really struggle

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Speaker 3: to get through their day or get their homework done

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Speaker 3: every single day, and you can see that they're super

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Speaker 3: perfectionistic let's say, and just can't get started and it's

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Speaker 3: really getting in the way, then it might be a

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Speaker 3: good time to get some help.

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Speaker 1: What do you think are the big differences between parenting

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Speaker 1: today and parenting you know thirty years ago or even

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Speaker 1: ten years ago, you know, what are like the big

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Speaker 1: the big things you guys have noticed.

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Speaker 2: One thing that I would say for sure is that

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Speaker 2: we know more about the body and the brain and

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Speaker 2: the connection between the two, and we have more science

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Speaker 2: and more research around how our brains are formed and

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Speaker 2: what the effects are the things around us, and we

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Speaker 2: just didn't know those things before. So that's one of

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Speaker 2: the big differences. I think it was a very authoritarian

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Speaker 2: kind of parenting, and so it was like kind of

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Speaker 2: do as I say, just do it. And I often

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Speaker 2: will hear parents say, well, when I was a child,

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Speaker 2: my parents didn't have to ask me a number of times.

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Speaker 2: I just did it. But what I'll often hear also

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Speaker 2: is that that parent was very big in the way

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Speaker 2: that they said those things, or maybe threatening in the

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Speaker 2: way that they said those things. And we know that

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Speaker 2: those things now, we know those things make impressions on

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Speaker 2: our brain and in our way of functioning in the world,

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Speaker 2: and so we now allow for more feelings and we

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Speaker 2: know that if we do that, kids grow up learning

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Speaker 2: how to and I think you said it before, speak

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Speaker 2: for themselves, know how they feel. And it's not based

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Speaker 2: on allowing any behavior, every behavior, which I think is

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Speaker 2: what was sort of missing in the past, that there

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Speaker 2: was this idea that if you allowed a feeling, then

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Speaker 2: you were also allowing any and every behavior to happen.

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Speaker 2: And it's very different today. We definitely want to teach

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Speaker 2: children how they feel and to use their feelings, but

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Speaker 2: not necessarily to have every behavior. And I'll just say

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Speaker 2: something funny that Marie and I laugh about a lot,

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Speaker 2: because we'll teach parents to work with their children and

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Speaker 2: allow their feelings and talk about their feelings, and then

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Speaker 2: they'll come back to us and say, well, now they're

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Speaker 2: telling me they're mad. Yes, yes they are.

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Speaker 1: I mean I've read there, there's that, There's that. I

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Speaker 1: think it's a quote like all feelings are welcome, all

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Speaker 1: behaviors are not. Yes, did my friend Elisa say that?

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Speaker 1: I don't even know what I post.

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Speaker 3: Definitely talks about.

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Speaker 1: That, Alisa.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Elisa Pressman, who's been on my podcast and is a

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Speaker 1: good friend of mine and I I love that, you know,

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Speaker 1: because it is it is I want my kids to

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Speaker 1: feel all the feelings. But you know, the way in

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Speaker 1: which we have to live in the world is like

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Speaker 1: we have to feel those feelings and then we have

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Speaker 1: to like behave accordingly when when we're you know, like

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Speaker 1: trying to just be human beings, which is and it's

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Speaker 1: it's its own right, really difficult to just sort of

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Speaker 1: like be in this world sometimes with all the different

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Speaker 1: stuff going on, and like now the social media stuff,

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Speaker 1: it's I I just a just got Instagram. He's thirteen.

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Speaker 1: He had to get honors in order to get it.

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Speaker 1: And Rob and I all the time are like, did

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Speaker 1: we make a mistake, Like, you know, he was the

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Speaker 1: last of his friends to get it. Well they all

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Speaker 1: have Snapchat, which we didn't. We felt like wasn't you know,

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Speaker 1: But but it's such an interesting because then you realize

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Speaker 1: also like, oh, well, now he's going to see what

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Speaker 1: I post too, you know, like as the parent, and

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Speaker 1: I'm always like, oh my god, wait, I can't say that.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, wait that's picture, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: Not that I'm doing anything so crazy, you know, but

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Speaker 1: it's like it's this weird place to be in with

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Speaker 1: kids as they get older, you know, like they say,

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Speaker 1: bigger kids, bigger problems, which I didn't believe at the

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Speaker 1: time because I was like, I just he doesn't sleep,

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Speaker 1: you know. But now it's like he's going to go

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Speaker 1: to this party and what I'm not there? What, you know,

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Speaker 1: what's going to happen, you know, So I don't know.

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Speaker 1: It's it's but what do you guys feel about, like

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Speaker 1: the social media stuff?

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Speaker 3: Do you have like a first of all, welcome to

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Speaker 3: parenting a teenager?

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, I know.

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Speaker 3: But yeah, you know, it's such a fine line. It's

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Speaker 3: such a tricky it's such a tricky thing to figure

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Speaker 3: out because you're weighing their social status in terms of,

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Speaker 3: you know, you don't want them to get ostracized because

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Speaker 3: they're the only ones with right. Yeah, obviously Rob didn't care.

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Speaker 1: Rob was like I don't care, and I was like,

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Speaker 1: well I do. So we got to like, you know,

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Speaker 1: I can't be like, you know, the total like just

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Speaker 1: like last of it.

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Speaker 3: You know, we have to look out for their social yeah,

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Speaker 3: at least a little bit. I mean it makes a difference,

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Speaker 3: you know, when they're growing up obviously, and then there's

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Speaker 3: all the safety stuff, and you know, they're I mean,

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Speaker 3: kids are having to field messages from strangers pretending to

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Speaker 3: be thirteen, fourteen years old, and I mean it's really tricky.

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Speaker 3: You just have to teach them as much as you

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Speaker 3: possibly can about it, and then also teach them and

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Speaker 3: enforce boundaries around minimal usage, which is really hard to

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Speaker 3: do because as adults, we were never taught that when

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Speaker 3: we got phones, right, but this is a new generation,

437
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:11,400
Speaker 3: and so we can teach them to have different habits

438
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:12,040
Speaker 3: with their phones.

439
00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:17,400
Speaker 2: I would be yeah, And I would add to what

440
00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:21,720
Speaker 2: Maria just said as well, is that it sounds like

441
00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:27,199
Speaker 2: you have a relationship with him and you're talking with

442
00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:30,960
Speaker 2: him about it. And that's a really important piece of it.

443
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,639
Speaker 2: Is to also, in addition to what Maria said, also

444
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:37,119
Speaker 2: be in conversation and if you are engaging your child,

445
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:40,440
Speaker 2: if you are spending time with them, if you are

446
00:25:41,359 --> 00:25:47,520
Speaker 2: allowing their feelings and not doing those roadblocks so to speak,

447
00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:51,160
Speaker 2: too much, because we all do them, then they're going

448
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:54,080
Speaker 2: to come and talk to you about things. And so

449
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:56,920
Speaker 2: that allows you to kind of let go a little

450
00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:01,000
Speaker 2: bit into what is inevitable in their lives, lives, which

451
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:04,160
Speaker 2: is that this is part of it that is inevitable.

452
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:06,200
Speaker 1: Is social which is part of our world?

453
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:09,320
Speaker 2: Now?

454
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:21,200
Speaker 1: Is there one thing that you wish more parents sort

455
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:25,960
Speaker 1: of new? Is there one piece of like? Is there

456
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:29,720
Speaker 1: one thing that you're just like that you see over

457
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:31,600
Speaker 1: and over and over again that you're like, I wish,

458
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:37,280
Speaker 1: I wish, I wish this was just like known or

459
00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:37,840
Speaker 1: too many?

460
00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:41,280
Speaker 3: There is one really really interesting little secret, one that

461
00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:44,600
Speaker 3: we don't often talk about, but that just popped into

462
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:47,080
Speaker 3: my head, which is, are you ready for this?

463
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:48,280
Speaker 1: I'm ready.

464
00:26:49,359 --> 00:26:54,240
Speaker 3: All kids read their parents' phones, I know all so.

465
00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:59,240
Speaker 1: And by the way I read his phone, there is so.

466
00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:03,520
Speaker 3: Good that they're much more tech savvy than any parent realize.

467
00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:05,480
Speaker 1: It's crazy, I know.

468
00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:08,760
Speaker 3: And so just and what I'll say is not every

469
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:12,159
Speaker 3: single one, just to just for any kids and parents

470
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:16,040
Speaker 3: listening who are in my practice, not every single single one, okay,

471
00:27:16,359 --> 00:27:20,560
Speaker 3: but most and many. So just beware that if you're

472
00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:24,000
Speaker 3: having an adult conversation via text message that you don't

473
00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:26,920
Speaker 3: want your kid's eyes on, it's probably a good idea

474
00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:28,879
Speaker 3: to be mindful of that.

475
00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:32,119
Speaker 1: That's so true. In fact, one of my friends texted

476
00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:34,199
Speaker 1: me the other day through WhatsApp because she was like,

477
00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:37,040
Speaker 1: this way, they won't read it. And I was dying laughing,

478
00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:41,680
Speaker 1: like it's just it's a crazy that they can. And

479
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,439
Speaker 1: I say to Ace all the time. My other kids

480
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:48,159
Speaker 1: don't have phones, but I say to Ace all the time, like,

481
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:52,479
Speaker 1: I will read your text messages, like just so you know,

482
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:56,399
Speaker 1: and like and then and then Rob is like, but

483
00:27:56,440 --> 00:28:03,160
Speaker 1: then he's just going to erase them. It's hard. It's

484
00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:06,160
Speaker 1: hard to know when you're like being overbearing and then

485
00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:07,560
Speaker 1: or just being you know.

486
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:11,440
Speaker 3: To Ashley's point, I think the most the more transparent

487
00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:14,359
Speaker 3: you can be and the better relationship that you cultivate

488
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:16,960
Speaker 3: through the years, the more of a chance your child

489
00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:19,040
Speaker 3: will come to you and those those moments that they

490
00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:19,800
Speaker 3: really need you.

491
00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:19,920
Speaker 2: You know.

492
00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:21,840
Speaker 3: Now you look a lot of stuff up online, but

493
00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:24,560
Speaker 3: at the end of the day, nothing really beats your parents'

494
00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:27,280
Speaker 3: advice when you know you can get it, you know,

495
00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:30,000
Speaker 3: and you know you can trust them. So it's definitely

496
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:34,879
Speaker 3: worth all of those years before to just invest that

497
00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:38,480
Speaker 3: time into becoming that safe parent that they can ask questions.

498
00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:41,360
Speaker 1: My parents told me this and I and I did

499
00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:43,040
Speaker 1: it with my kids. I said, like, as long as

500
00:28:43,080 --> 00:28:46,240
Speaker 1: you tell the truth, like, you'll never get in trouble

501
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:49,360
Speaker 1: if you tell the truth, you know, and and I

502
00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:52,800
Speaker 1: and and my parents one of the most important things

503
00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:54,120
Speaker 1: was that they didn't just say that and then I

504
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:56,840
Speaker 1: would get in trouble. They stuck to it. So if

505
00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:58,480
Speaker 1: I came to them and I told them the truth

506
00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:00,360
Speaker 1: and I you know, my kids like I'm to ask

507
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:02,600
Speaker 1: you this, I'm going to ask you it now. If

508
00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:05,680
Speaker 1: you tell me the truth, we're good. If you don't

509
00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:07,680
Speaker 1: tell me the truth, there's gonna be a consequence, you know,

510
00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:10,400
Speaker 1: or there's gonna be whatever. And also the other thing

511
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:14,040
Speaker 1: is I said to Ace, now, I will always come

512
00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:17,320
Speaker 1: pick you up, like no questions asked. But if you

513
00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:19,920
Speaker 1: call me and you're like uh, or you text me

514
00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:22,920
Speaker 1: and you're like I don't want to stay, I don't

515
00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:26,000
Speaker 1: feel comfortable here, or you know, whatever it is. I mean,

516
00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:28,640
Speaker 1: he's only thirteen, so it's not like his friends are driving.

517
00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:31,600
Speaker 1: But Dad and I will always come. One of us

518
00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:34,400
Speaker 1: will come get you, and there will be no consequence.

519
00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:35,880
Speaker 1: There will be not you know, like we don't even

520
00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:38,400
Speaker 1: have to talk about it, but you always have that option.

521
00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:40,800
Speaker 1: And those are two things my parents did which I

522
00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:42,720
Speaker 1: felt like was ahead of their time. I mean, I'm

523
00:29:42,720 --> 00:29:45,560
Speaker 1: forty four, but my dad grew up in a super

524
00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:49,920
Speaker 1: abusive household, verbally abusive, and so he wanted to make

525
00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:55,280
Speaker 1: sure that we always felt really safe. And it's something that, like,

526
00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:59,840
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful for because it created this bond where

527
00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:02,800
Speaker 1: this day, I call my parents, you know, I talked.

528
00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:05,160
Speaker 1: If I'm having a bad day, I call my dad

529
00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:09,000
Speaker 1: and we talk it through, you know. And so I

530
00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:11,200
Speaker 1: learned that from them. But I think all the time, like,

531
00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:14,600
Speaker 1: had I hadn't, had I not learned that from my dad,

532
00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:17,480
Speaker 1: I wouldn't know to say those things, you know. So

533
00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:20,240
Speaker 1: it's so great that you, people like you two exist

534
00:30:21,080 --> 00:30:24,240
Speaker 1: to create those safe places for kids. I mean, that's

535
00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:27,880
Speaker 1: all you That's all I wants as a forty four

536
00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:29,560
Speaker 1: year old, let alone for my children.

537
00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:33,720
Speaker 2: You know, we bring up something so important because we

538
00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:36,760
Speaker 2: do so often what was modeled to us. So what

539
00:30:36,800 --> 00:30:40,520
Speaker 2: we see parents doing is they do the same thing

540
00:30:40,800 --> 00:30:44,320
Speaker 2: their parents did if it is something that felt good

541
00:30:44,360 --> 00:30:48,280
Speaker 2: to them, or they go in the complete opposite direction.

542
00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:52,600
Speaker 2: But we don't know until or unless something is modeled

543
00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:56,280
Speaker 2: to us. And that's part of what we're teaching in

544
00:30:56,320 --> 00:31:00,640
Speaker 2: the book, is that to set these stages is for

545
00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:03,320
Speaker 2: kids to be able to come to you. And you

546
00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:06,720
Speaker 2: were making me think, Zoe, I'm in my early fifties,

547
00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:10,280
Speaker 2: and so we had this contract that we all signed

548
00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:14,000
Speaker 2: when we were younger that said we would call our

549
00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:16,200
Speaker 2: parents if we were anywhere and anyone was going to

550
00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:20,640
Speaker 2: drive drunk and there was you didn't. Everyone agreed that

551
00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:23,680
Speaker 2: you wouldn't talk about it that night, And it's what

552
00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:26,960
Speaker 2: we talk about in the book of It gives the

553
00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:30,760
Speaker 2: child a safe place, like you're talking about, to come to,

554
00:31:31,400 --> 00:31:34,440
Speaker 2: but it also gives a parent a chance to cool

555
00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:37,640
Speaker 2: off a little bit from something that is scary, because

556
00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:41,920
Speaker 2: getting that phone call is scary. The million things that

557
00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:44,080
Speaker 2: go through your mind and that moment, what have they

558
00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:47,200
Speaker 2: been into, what's happening? Are they safe? Can I get

559
00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:50,960
Speaker 2: there to them fast enough? And so it really does

560
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:54,320
Speaker 2: as you're saying, as you're explaining, it gives that little

561
00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:57,560
Speaker 2: bit of space to be able to say, Okay, we

562
00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:01,520
Speaker 2: can come back to this another time and talk about it.

563
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:03,280
Speaker 2: We don't have to in this moment.

564
00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:07,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, it gives it some And also like there's that thing.

565
00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:11,320
Speaker 1: I actually just got an email from my middle son's

566
00:32:11,480 --> 00:32:14,800
Speaker 1: baseball coach that was like, if you guys, if parents

567
00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:17,600
Speaker 1: have something that they are upset about, like playing time

568
00:32:17,760 --> 00:32:22,480
Speaker 1: or whatever, please wait twenty four hours before sending that email. Now,

569
00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:26,280
Speaker 1: I am the most reactive person on this planet. Like

570
00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:29,200
Speaker 1: in fact, I got in trouble ones at aces baseball

571
00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:31,920
Speaker 1: game when he played club because in between games, I

572
00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:35,080
Speaker 1: went and spoke to the coach and I like learned

573
00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:36,640
Speaker 1: my lesson and I'll never do that again. But I

574
00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:41,800
Speaker 1: thought it was such a great piece of advice because

575
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:47,200
Speaker 1: I like, will just immediately, you know. And and for me,

576
00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:53,160
Speaker 1: and Maria knows this, my kids feeling hurt is too

577
00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:55,160
Speaker 1: much for me to bear as a human being, Like

578
00:32:55,240 --> 00:32:59,600
Speaker 1: I cannot. I want to solve it right away. I

579
00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:02,440
Speaker 1: you know, will. I mean, I've said things to kids

580
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:04,880
Speaker 1: like I'm like an unwell person when it comes to

581
00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:07,520
Speaker 1: that kind of thing. And so it's really like, I

582
00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:11,200
Speaker 1: don't know, it's like that seems to be the golden rules.

583
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:14,200
Speaker 1: Take a breath, take a minute. You know, in every

584
00:33:14,240 --> 00:33:16,240
Speaker 1: way when you're dealing with your kids, when you're dealing

585
00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:18,040
Speaker 1: with other kids, when you're dealing well, I shouldn't be

586
00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:20,520
Speaker 1: dealing with any other kids, but adults, whatever it is,

587
00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:22,520
Speaker 1: you know, it's really important.

588
00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:25,440
Speaker 3: Take a beat, take a beat, see if you still

589
00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:27,600
Speaker 3: care a little bit later. You know I will, But

590
00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:30,840
Speaker 3: also we'll see if you care enough to march up there.

591
00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:33,880
Speaker 3: It's still and you know, we didn't get to letter R.

592
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:36,520
Speaker 3: But we're talking about it, which is role modeling. And

593
00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:39,520
Speaker 3: it's not just being a good role model, you know,

594
00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:42,080
Speaker 3: which we've heard for years and years, but it's about

595
00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:44,600
Speaker 3: modeling the skills that you want your kids to pick

596
00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:46,960
Speaker 3: up on. Because there's sponges. It's much harder to tell

597
00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:49,200
Speaker 3: them what to do than to show them, and so

598
00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:52,600
Speaker 3: to take that beat and to narrate it out loud.

599
00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:54,720
Speaker 3: You know, I really wanted to walk up to that coach,

600
00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:57,240
Speaker 3: and you know what, I remembered that if I sit

601
00:33:57,280 --> 00:34:00,280
Speaker 3: there for a few minutes, maybe I won't. And that's

602
00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:03,000
Speaker 3: really good modeling. And the other thing we talk about

603
00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:06,760
Speaker 3: is really letting your children in sooner than you think

604
00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:10,759
Speaker 3: you should on family dynamics and things that are going

605
00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:13,080
Speaker 3: on in the home that are unsolved. And you can

606
00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:15,720
Speaker 3: do it in an age appropriate way where you're minimally sharing,

607
00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:18,319
Speaker 3: but kids can feel and pick up on when there's

608
00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:21,080
Speaker 3: tension or when you know, maybe there's addiction in the

609
00:34:21,120 --> 00:34:24,640
Speaker 3: family or when when there's an absent person, right, And

610
00:34:25,360 --> 00:34:27,960
Speaker 3: in the past, people used to just ignore that completely.

611
00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:31,920
Speaker 3: And so what we recommend to keep anxiety down is

612
00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:35,080
Speaker 3: to name it and just say, have you noticed, this

613
00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:36,799
Speaker 3: is what's going on, and this is how I can

614
00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:39,279
Speaker 3: explain it to you. And if you're feeling some kind

615
00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:41,360
Speaker 3: of way about it, I'm here to listen. You know.

616
00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:48,440
Speaker 1: That's amazing. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, You're

617
00:34:48,600 --> 00:34:49,320
Speaker 1: so welcome.

618
00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:50,799
Speaker 2: Thank you for having us.

619
00:34:51,120 --> 00:34:52,240
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm so glad.

620
00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:55,279
Speaker 3: This was great, such a good conversation.

621
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:57,879
Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like we could talk all day.

622
00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:01,160
Speaker 1: I know, I know, really could, I like, but I

623
00:35:01,200 --> 00:35:03,200
Speaker 1: was just going over all my questions and we answered

624
00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:03,560
Speaker 1: them all.

625
00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:05,239
Speaker 3: That's awes.

626
00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:11,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, any yeah, it's crazy, like I can't even.

627
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:14,080
Speaker 3: So we ask you some questions now, Joe, go ahead, Okay,

628
00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:19,200
Speaker 3: what is well you already you already talked about one

629
00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:22,879
Speaker 3: thing that you got from your parents that you do. Right.

630
00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:28,319
Speaker 3: What is one way that your parenting has changed over

631
00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:31,120
Speaker 3: the last five years that you're really proud of.

632
00:35:32,040 --> 00:35:35,279
Speaker 1: Well, one of the ways is something you helped me with,

633
00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:37,719
Speaker 1: which was when my kids would when my kids would

634
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:41,480
Speaker 1: feel anxious, I would solve it instead of you know

635
00:35:41,800 --> 00:35:45,959
Speaker 1: that that's actually kind of feeding into their anxiety more

636
00:35:46,520 --> 00:35:49,160
Speaker 1: So instead of just saying like Okay, yeah you can

637
00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:51,319
Speaker 1: come home or okay, yeah don't go or oh you

638
00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:53,560
Speaker 1: know that, I would sort of say like, oh yeah,

639
00:35:53,560 --> 00:35:55,120
Speaker 1: I know that that's really hard, but you're going to

640
00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:58,799
Speaker 1: stay at school or you're gonna you know. And I

641
00:35:58,840 --> 00:36:02,720
Speaker 1: think that just like that frame of like just seeing

642
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:07,359
Speaker 1: exactly what it is that you what you're at, what

643
00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:10,120
Speaker 1: you're doing as a parent, even though your intentions are

644
00:36:10,200 --> 00:36:14,799
Speaker 1: too obviously make them more comfortable and take away their anxiety,

645
00:36:15,200 --> 00:36:21,040
Speaker 1: that that actually just creates more anxiety. So that's something

646
00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:26,279
Speaker 1: that I've really been working on. You know, all three

647
00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:29,920
Speaker 1: of my kids are so different. They're just such different people,

648
00:36:30,040 --> 00:36:31,719
Speaker 1: and that's just who they are. That's how they came

649
00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:35,560
Speaker 1: into this world. You know, we we they're all in

650
00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:37,520
Speaker 1: this house. They're growing up in this house. They have

651
00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:40,160
Speaker 1: Rob and I as their parents, but they're so different.

652
00:36:40,239 --> 00:36:43,440
Speaker 1: So things that worked for Ace might not work for Jewels,

653
00:36:43,480 --> 00:36:46,640
Speaker 1: may not work for Gus. You know, It's it's really

654
00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:52,880
Speaker 1: sort of like also disengaging more for me has been.

655
00:36:54,239 --> 00:36:59,640
Speaker 1: But there was one question that and and I and

656
00:36:59,680 --> 00:37:02,200
Speaker 1: I I don't know, and I guess you guys answered it.

657
00:37:02,239 --> 00:37:09,479
Speaker 1: But how can I create a home where everyone sort

658
00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:12,839
Speaker 1: of needs or met even though they're so different? You know,

659
00:37:12,880 --> 00:37:17,600
Speaker 1: like my my middle is extremely independent. My youngest is

660
00:37:18,200 --> 00:37:20,800
Speaker 1: so obsessed with me that you know, like I can't

661
00:37:20,880 --> 00:37:23,280
Speaker 1: even like go anywhere in the house, and our house

662
00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:25,600
Speaker 1: we don't have any locks, so it's literally like I

663
00:37:25,680 --> 00:37:27,719
Speaker 1: just have absolutely nowhere to go. I would have to

664
00:37:27,719 --> 00:37:30,840
Speaker 1: climb on the roof, I guess. And then my oldest

665
00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:35,600
Speaker 1: is so he's also independent now, but he's he's getting

666
00:37:35,640 --> 00:37:39,520
Speaker 1: to the he's he's very tuned in to me and Rob.

667
00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:43,120
Speaker 1: So like if ever I, you know, am annoyed about

668
00:37:43,120 --> 00:37:45,799
Speaker 1: something else, he'll say like did I do something? And

669
00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:50,319
Speaker 1: you know it's about a fight I had with Rob?

670
00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:52,840
Speaker 1: Or like a I burnt the broccoli or something, you

671
00:37:52,880 --> 00:37:55,560
Speaker 1: know what I mean? Like, so, what are what is

672
00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:57,799
Speaker 1: I guess that list is how you make sure that

673
00:37:57,960 --> 00:38:00,000
Speaker 1: everyone in the family is contained, right.

674
00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:05,000
Speaker 2: One of the things that I think that it's just

675
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:09,239
Speaker 2: a quick tip that you could try, because it is.

676
00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:12,080
Speaker 2: This is kind of the biggest parenting trick, isn't it.

677
00:38:12,080 --> 00:38:15,120
Speaker 2: It's like, once you figure out one kidd And the

678
00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:26,120
Speaker 2: next one, yeah, is to spend a little bit of

679
00:38:26,160 --> 00:38:30,680
Speaker 2: one on one time with each of them and to

680
00:38:30,719 --> 00:38:33,200
Speaker 2: do something that they want to do. Now that's a

681
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:36,080
Speaker 2: big ask when you have three children if you think, oh,

682
00:38:36,080 --> 00:38:38,400
Speaker 2: I have to spend a lot of time, but you

683
00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:43,160
Speaker 2: don't actually have to. It's about spending quality over quantity,

684
00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:47,040
Speaker 2: and so doing something with them and connecting with them,

685
00:38:47,680 --> 00:38:51,120
Speaker 2: and then using the tools that we've talked about. If

686
00:38:51,200 --> 00:38:58,680
Speaker 2: you feel yourself getting frustrated with one of them, or

687
00:38:59,160 --> 00:39:02,120
Speaker 2: maybe you find yourself that you are, try to use

688
00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:05,640
Speaker 2: the tools that we give in the book for bringing

689
00:39:05,680 --> 00:39:09,880
Speaker 2: yourself back down. But the really taking that one on

690
00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:13,600
Speaker 2: one time with each one of them fills up their

691
00:39:13,640 --> 00:39:18,200
Speaker 2: little tanks and they don't need to come sort of

692
00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:22,399
Speaker 2: to you so so much and feel like, oh, I'm

693
00:39:22,560 --> 00:39:27,279
Speaker 2: just spread so thin, I'm not being able to give

694
00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:30,120
Speaker 2: everybody the kind of attention that they want. Or if

695
00:39:30,239 --> 00:39:33,279
Speaker 2: we're doing one thing, two of them don't really like

696
00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:37,880
Speaker 2: to do said thing, so you end up having to

697
00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:42,320
Speaker 2: do a whole lot and feel like you're never quite

698
00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:45,520
Speaker 2: getting there. So that really means short amounts of time

699
00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:50,480
Speaker 2: and taking if and I'm making this up because I

700
00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:53,560
Speaker 2: don't know exactly what your kids like to do, but

701
00:39:53,600 --> 00:39:56,120
Speaker 2: if one likes to color, sitting for a few minutes

702
00:39:56,160 --> 00:40:00,160
Speaker 2: with them and not directing them on how to do it,

703
00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:07,520
Speaker 2: just connecting with them. And just also if one of

704
00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:13,400
Speaker 2: them likes music, listening to their music even if you

705
00:40:13,480 --> 00:40:14,680
Speaker 2: can't stand the music.

706
00:40:14,840 --> 00:40:17,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, right right.

707
00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:20,239
Speaker 3: You know that can be tough to do when you

708
00:40:20,320 --> 00:40:23,000
Speaker 3: have a velcrow child, which I think a lot of

709
00:40:23,040 --> 00:40:27,360
Speaker 3: people can relate to. But it's it's really great tips.

710
00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:28,960
Speaker 3: And I want to let you off the hook here

711
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:31,640
Speaker 3: for a second, Zoe, because I know you said earlier

712
00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:35,920
Speaker 3: in the podcast that it's it's hard. It's so so

713
00:40:36,200 --> 00:40:39,640
Speaker 3: hard to see our kids in pain, and it's so

714
00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:42,560
Speaker 3: hard to tolerate sometimes the idea that we're not meeting

715
00:40:42,560 --> 00:40:45,640
Speaker 3: them at one hundred percent and completely fulfilling their needs.

716
00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:51,360
Speaker 3: And it's okay. You can trust that the absolute intention

717
00:40:51,719 --> 00:40:54,400
Speaker 3: and love and soul that you put into your kids

718
00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:57,640
Speaker 3: every single day is enough, even if they're not getting

719
00:40:57,680 --> 00:40:59,759
Speaker 3: their needs met in that moment or that day for

720
00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:02,040
Speaker 3: that week. Okay, it's enough.

721
00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:05,040
Speaker 1: Really, I think that that's such an important I hope

722
00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:08,000
Speaker 1: that all parents hear that, you know, because it's like

723
00:41:08,040 --> 00:41:10,320
Speaker 1: you get so caught up in it and you forget

724
00:41:10,400 --> 00:41:16,319
Speaker 1: like that they're really okay m m yeah.

725
00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:19,239
Speaker 2: And allow their and to the to the point of

726
00:41:19,280 --> 00:41:23,680
Speaker 2: all of this too, just to allow their feelings and really,

727
00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:29,879
Speaker 2: when when they come to you with something, noticing within yourself,

728
00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:32,239
Speaker 2: if you want to do the things like you know

729
00:41:32,360 --> 00:41:34,160
Speaker 2: you were talking about, like kind of want to jump

730
00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:37,600
Speaker 2: in so much, they're going to end up. And we

731
00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:39,520
Speaker 2: all do. I think you you know you said you

732
00:41:39,560 --> 00:41:42,240
Speaker 2: say it to your husband, like we can all say

733
00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:47,560
Speaker 2: with friends or partners or husband's wives whomever, that we

734
00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:52,880
Speaker 2: can feel unfulfilled if somebody doesn't reflect back what what

735
00:41:52,880 --> 00:41:55,600
Speaker 2: what we're feeling in the moment and that and I'm

736
00:41:55,640 --> 00:41:58,399
Speaker 2: sure you've seen it with your kids. When you do that,

737
00:41:58,480 --> 00:42:02,160
Speaker 2: they kind of just are like okay, you know, rather

738
00:42:02,280 --> 00:42:04,960
Speaker 2: than getting into something. And in that way, you know,

739
00:42:05,840 --> 00:42:09,160
Speaker 2: to Maria's point, you know you are seeing them and

740
00:42:09,200 --> 00:42:12,080
Speaker 2: you are giving them what they need, which is a

741
00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:17,120
Speaker 2: love and attention and care for their feelings.

742
00:42:17,840 --> 00:42:23,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you, ladies, so much. Thank you, And I

743
00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:27,879
Speaker 1: hope everybody goes out and buys the book I got mine. Yeah,

744
00:42:28,120 --> 00:42:29,680
Speaker 1: I'm excited, amazing.

745
00:42:29,719 --> 00:42:34,440
Speaker 3: We're getting such great reviews. We're really excited. Good.

746
00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:38,560
Speaker 1: I'm so excited for you both. Thank you, Thank you

747
00:42:38,640 --> 00:42:40,160
Speaker 1: for joining us.

748
00:42:41,000 --> 00:42:43,840
Speaker 2: You soon, okay ye.

749
00:42:44,560 --> 00:42:47,000
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining me on another episode

750
00:42:47,000 --> 00:42:49,920
Speaker 1: of What in the Winkler? Please, please please make sure

751
00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:55,719
Speaker 1: you downloaded, liked, shared, told a friend all about this podcast.

752
00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:56,799
Speaker 1: See you next week.

753
00:43:01,280 --> 00:43:03,720
Speaker 2: Ber