WEBVTT - 6 Red Flags to Avoid in Relationships and How to Spot Them Early 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:03.600 Oxytocin can be the hormone of bad judgment. As you 0:00:03.720 --> 0:00:07.520 keep thinking it's going to be okay. Because the hormone 0:00:07.560 --> 0:00:11.080 makes you feel safe and secure, you don't see the 0:00:11.119 --> 0:00:15.640 red flags the person is sending saying I'm not trustworthy. 0:00:15.720 --> 0:00:18.040 So I want you to be really careful at the 0:00:18.040 --> 0:00:21.919 beginning of a relationship about how you feel about something 0:00:22.160 --> 0:00:24.880 how quickly you have sex, not from a position of like, 0:00:25.160 --> 0:00:27.960 I'm not saying like, hold it back, wait till this day, like, 0:00:28.080 --> 0:00:30.080 That's not the kind of advice I'm giving you. What 0:00:30.120 --> 0:00:32.400 I'm trying to say to you is if you have sex, 0:00:32.600 --> 0:00:35.000 you're likely to have more positive feelings about this person 0:00:35.000 --> 0:00:37.240 and forget the bad things about them during that time, 0:00:37.640 --> 0:00:40.599 and so you don't want to be making decisions around 0:00:40.640 --> 0:00:50.880 that time. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the 0:00:50.960 --> 0:00:53.680 number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each 0:00:53.720 --> 0:00:55.880 and every one of you that come back every week 0:00:56.200 --> 0:01:00.000 to listen, learn and grow. And I am so excited 0:01:00.240 --> 0:01:02.639 to be talking to you today. I can't believe it. 0:01:02.800 --> 0:01:06.199 My new book, Eight Rules of Love is out and 0:01:06.440 --> 0:01:09.399 thank you, thank you, thank you so much for all 0:01:09.600 --> 0:01:12.520 the support for Eight Rules of Love. It has been 0:01:12.600 --> 0:01:17.680 an incredible launch week. I am so deeply grateful for 0:01:17.880 --> 0:01:21.600 the amount of just love and kindness. I see all 0:01:21.600 --> 0:01:23.960 of you tagging the book in your stories, and last 0:01:24.000 --> 0:01:27.919 week I gave you the first introduction of the audiobook, 0:01:27.959 --> 0:01:30.160 absolutely free. If you haven't listened to it, go back 0:01:30.160 --> 0:01:33.600 and do and then download the audiobook from eight Rules 0:01:33.600 --> 0:01:36.759 of Love dot com, Amazon, Audible, wherever you get your books. 0:01:36.920 --> 0:01:40.840 It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep, or 0:01:40.920 --> 0:01:43.200 let go of love. So if you've got friends that 0:01:43.240 --> 0:01:46.680 are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure 0:01:46.680 --> 0:01:49.200 you grab this book. And I'd love to invite you 0:01:49.280 --> 0:01:52.880 to come and see me for my global tour Love Rules. 0:01:53.160 --> 0:01:56.640 Go to Jay shehtytour dot com to learn more information 0:01:56.800 --> 0:02:00.960 about tickets, VIP experiences and more. I can't wait to 0:02:00.960 --> 0:02:04.520 see you this year. Now. If you're someone who's dating 0:02:04.920 --> 0:02:07.080 right now, this episode is for you. If you have 0:02:07.120 --> 0:02:10.639 a friend who's dating, this episode is for you. If 0:02:10.680 --> 0:02:14.240 you have a friend who's in a relationship and they're 0:02:14.280 --> 0:02:17.520 reflecting about it, introspecting about whether they're in the right 0:02:17.560 --> 0:02:20.560 relationship with the right person, if things are going in 0:02:20.560 --> 0:02:24.079 the right direction, this episode is for you, or if 0:02:24.080 --> 0:02:26.960 you're in that position. Of course, this episode is for 0:02:26.960 --> 0:02:29.480 you now. The reason why I put this episode together 0:02:30.240 --> 0:02:33.760 is because I have had so many conversations with so 0:02:33.800 --> 0:02:38.840 many people in my life recently where they've avoided red flags, 0:02:39.680 --> 0:02:44.919 They've experienced gas lighting, they've experienced love bombing, but they 0:02:44.960 --> 0:02:48.680 didn't realize it until afterwards. And at the same time, 0:02:48.720 --> 0:02:50.640 I have a lot of friends and family and people 0:02:50.680 --> 0:02:54.400 in my life who I think have spotted a red 0:02:54.440 --> 0:02:57.720 flag and immediately thought that's it, it's over. This has 0:02:57.760 --> 0:03:02.480 to end here, rather than learn the skill and the 0:03:02.639 --> 0:03:06.240 art of figuring out is this a really extreme red 0:03:06.280 --> 0:03:09.520 flag or is it more of like a pink salmon color? Right? Like, 0:03:10.080 --> 0:03:13.000 is this really an issue? Or are we making an 0:03:13.040 --> 0:03:16.760 issue out of it? Because we're scared, we're insecure, we're worried. 0:03:17.160 --> 0:03:19.320 Often we can give up a great thing or a 0:03:19.360 --> 0:03:22.760 good thing because we're not in the right mindset right. 0:03:22.800 --> 0:03:26.760 Often we think someone's wrong for us because we're not 0:03:26.840 --> 0:03:29.680 in the right space. How many times have you ever 0:03:29.720 --> 0:03:32.799 experienced that? And I don't want you to miss out 0:03:32.840 --> 0:03:35.400 on the right person. And I also don't want you 0:03:35.440 --> 0:03:38.000 to stay with the wrong person, right. I don't want 0:03:38.040 --> 0:03:41.440 you to do either one of those, because it leads 0:03:41.440 --> 0:03:42.880 to a lot of pain, It leads to a lot 0:03:42.880 --> 0:03:47.480 of heartbreak, and everyone goes through heartbreak. Everyone goes through 0:03:48.200 --> 0:03:52.920 the feeling of rejection. It's something that I think most 0:03:52.920 --> 0:03:57.000 people have experienced, but we know it's not a happy feeling. 0:03:57.040 --> 0:04:00.800 It's not an easy feeling. So research shows that the 0:04:00.960 --> 0:04:04.000 areas that are activated in the brain when we're in 0:04:04.120 --> 0:04:09.560 love are the same as those involved in cocaine addiction. Fascinating, right, 0:04:09.800 --> 0:04:13.720 So the way your brain experiences a breakup is kind 0:04:13.800 --> 0:04:18.760 of like the misery of detox. Just as addicts crave 0:04:18.800 --> 0:04:23.480 a fix, we can literally crave the other person. This 0:04:23.600 --> 0:04:27.919 happens in part because our brains flood with chemical messengers 0:04:27.960 --> 0:04:31.880 that are part of our reward and motivation circuitry. Our 0:04:31.920 --> 0:04:35.400 brain sends urgent signals that we should hurry up and 0:04:35.440 --> 0:04:39.640 retrieve what's missing. That's why you want to text your X. 0:04:39.680 --> 0:04:41.719 That's why you want to see them again, That's why 0:04:41.720 --> 0:04:44.760 you're obsessed with following them on social media and seeing 0:04:44.800 --> 0:04:48.760 what they're up to, because we're literally detoxing from an addiction. 0:04:49.360 --> 0:04:53.080 In one study of breakups, participants reported thinking about their 0:04:53.279 --> 0:04:56.720 X is roughly eighty five percent of the time they 0:04:56.720 --> 0:04:59.800 were awake, eighty five percent of the time that they 0:04:59.800 --> 0:05:03.040 were awake. That's huge. Now, I know we've all been there, right, 0:05:03.320 --> 0:05:05.400 So let's be let's be honest, we've all been there. 0:05:05.880 --> 0:05:08.760 The flood of hormones isn't the brain's only response to 0:05:08.800 --> 0:05:11.719 a breakup. Areas of the brain that are active in 0:05:11.800 --> 0:05:16.400 heartbreak are the same as those ones that process physical pain, 0:05:16.920 --> 0:05:20.560 But as the researcher Helen Fisher says, the differences. While 0:05:20.600 --> 0:05:24.480 pain from a stubbed toe or a toothache fades, emotions 0:05:24.520 --> 0:05:27.839 can intensify the sensation of a breakup. We don't get 0:05:27.880 --> 0:05:30.880 angry with our tooth or feel rejected by the couch 0:05:30.920 --> 0:05:33.880 we bumped into, says Helen Fisher, But with our exes, 0:05:34.160 --> 0:05:38.560 we harbor hurt feelings dash dreams, which can exacerbate and 0:05:38.720 --> 0:05:42.600 extend the pain. In this stay, our brains can desperately 0:05:42.680 --> 0:05:47.360 seek oxytocin, the bonding hormone, because it decreases feelings of 0:05:47.400 --> 0:05:50.880 fear and anxiety, and we're likely to seek this chemical 0:05:50.920 --> 0:05:54.520 experience from our ex and this can prompt some pretty 0:05:54.560 --> 0:06:00.000 irrational things, right, lack of emotional control, irregular eating, right, 0:06:00.320 --> 0:06:04.640 or emailing, pleading, sobbing for hours, drinking too much. We've 0:06:04.680 --> 0:06:08.520 all been there. So this episode is to help avoid 0:06:08.560 --> 0:06:11.240 that at all costs if you can, not by staying 0:06:11.240 --> 0:06:14.279 with someone who's wrong for you, but by either calling 0:06:14.279 --> 0:06:17.800 it quits earlier, or by working through things that are 0:06:17.839 --> 0:06:22.000 actually not that redder flag. So I hope this episode 0:06:22.040 --> 0:06:25.200 helps you, guides you, gives you some insights to think about. 0:06:25.240 --> 0:06:27.200 That's all I'm ever trying to do. I'm never telling 0:06:27.200 --> 0:06:29.280 you whether you should break up or shouldn't break up 0:06:29.279 --> 0:06:31.800 with someone. My goal is to give you enough insight 0:06:31.920 --> 0:06:36.320 and information to make healthier decisions yourself through the use 0:06:36.400 --> 0:06:39.800 of wisdom and science. So thank you for being here again. 0:06:40.200 --> 0:06:42.080 If you haven't already, I hope you're going to order 0:06:42.200 --> 0:06:44.960 my new book, Eight Rules of Love. This book is 0:06:44.960 --> 0:06:46.839 going to help guide you into how to find love, 0:06:47.000 --> 0:06:49.680 keep love, and let it go in a healthy way. 0:06:50.279 --> 0:06:52.240 And I can't wait for you to have that book. 0:06:52.240 --> 0:06:53.920 If you don't already have it, I hope you're enjoying it. 0:06:53.960 --> 0:06:57.360 If you do, I really really hope that it's helping you. Now, 0:06:57.800 --> 0:07:00.280 how can we avoid this feeling? If we can, and 0:07:00.400 --> 0:07:06.800 when we can? This statistic really blew my mind. Seven 0:07:06.920 --> 0:07:11.239 point two out of ten. Gen Z would rather date 0:07:11.360 --> 0:07:17.080 a love bomber than someone who is emotionally unavailable or noncommittal. Now. 0:07:17.120 --> 0:07:21.720 A love bomber, by definition, is someone who displays feelings 0:07:21.800 --> 0:07:26.480 of affection early and in a heightened way, but doesn't 0:07:26.560 --> 0:07:28.960 necessarily back them up over the long term. They're not 0:07:28.960 --> 0:07:31.080 going to live up to their promises. It can be 0:07:31.120 --> 0:07:35.000 a really painful thing to go through, which often leaves 0:07:35.040 --> 0:07:37.480 you feeling like you're the most loved person in the world, 0:07:37.840 --> 0:07:40.320 to then feeling like you're the least loved person in 0:07:40.320 --> 0:07:44.800 the world. The Healthline describes it as it happens when 0:07:44.840 --> 0:07:49.560 someone overwhelms you with loving words, actions, and behavior. As 0:07:49.560 --> 0:07:52.800 a manipulation technique. It's often used to win over your 0:07:52.800 --> 0:07:55.560 trust and affection so that they can meet a goal 0:07:55.600 --> 0:07:59.280 of theirs, says Sharon Paker, m A, a license marriage 0:07:59.280 --> 0:08:03.679 and family therapist. So I saw this brilliant love bombing 0:08:03.920 --> 0:08:07.280 survey from Shanko, where some of today's research is from, 0:08:07.560 --> 0:08:09.280 and so if you don't follow them or haven't checked 0:08:09.280 --> 0:08:11.080 it out, definitely go take a look at it. The 0:08:11.120 --> 0:08:14.240 study says that seventy percent of people have had a 0:08:14.400 --> 0:08:18.680 partner say I love you within the first month of 0:08:18.720 --> 0:08:20.400 seeing each other. How many times have you done this? 0:08:20.640 --> 0:08:23.320 How many times does it happen to you that seventy 0:08:23.320 --> 0:08:25.280 percent of people have had a partner say I love 0:08:25.320 --> 0:08:28.440 you within the first month of seeing each other. Now, 0:08:28.440 --> 0:08:30.520 I promise you right now, there is no way that 0:08:30.600 --> 0:08:32.480 in the first month of seeing each other someone can 0:08:32.520 --> 0:08:37.880 truly love you completely, fully holy. Yes they can like you, 0:08:38.240 --> 0:08:39.880 Yes they can be into you, Yes they can be 0:08:39.920 --> 0:08:42.360 attracted to you, Yes they can want to love you, 0:08:42.840 --> 0:08:45.880 but someone loving you. And the problem is we love 0:08:45.920 --> 0:08:48.600 hearing those three words. We want to hear them so badly, 0:08:48.640 --> 0:08:51.360 and we want to feel them. Only thirty one percent 0:08:51.440 --> 0:08:55.120 of dating app users would break up with someone who 0:08:55.240 --> 0:08:58.160 said I love you in the first month, which shows 0:08:58.200 --> 0:09:00.959 we like it, which proves we want it and like it. 0:09:01.400 --> 0:09:05.480 Sixty percent of dating app users feel pressured to say 0:09:05.520 --> 0:09:09.439 I love you too early in a relationship. The first 0:09:09.480 --> 0:09:12.400 red flag in a relationship is if someone says I 0:09:12.480 --> 0:09:16.880 love you too soon. We have to be very careful. 0:09:16.960 --> 0:09:19.280 We have to slow it down, we have to be 0:09:19.480 --> 0:09:22.880 thoughtful about I had this great conversation the other day, 0:09:23.320 --> 0:09:25.800 what does it mean when someone loves us. We have 0:09:25.840 --> 0:09:28.480 to define that for ourselves. But when I think about 0:09:28.480 --> 0:09:29.920 the kind of love we want and the love that 0:09:30.000 --> 0:09:32.400 I hear people want, it means a love where we're 0:09:32.440 --> 0:09:34.960 accepted for who we are, truly who we are, and 0:09:35.000 --> 0:09:37.600 we can be ourselves. We all want a space where 0:09:37.600 --> 0:09:42.839 we get accepted for our authentic, aligned selves, and that 0:09:42.880 --> 0:09:46.880 means someone has had to see you stressed, see you fatigued, 0:09:47.240 --> 0:09:50.680 see you exhausted, see you irritated, and you will have 0:09:50.720 --> 0:09:53.000 had to see them in those scenarios as well, because 0:09:53.000 --> 0:09:57.400 we know that our character is really shown when we're tested, 0:09:57.720 --> 0:10:02.120 and we know that long term love is based on character, right. 0:10:02.240 --> 0:10:06.160 Liking is based on chemistry. Loving is based on character. 0:10:06.800 --> 0:10:09.679 So the only way you can love someone is if 0:10:09.720 --> 0:10:14.600 you've experienced different elements of their character and you've found 0:10:14.679 --> 0:10:17.840 a way to make peace with that. I'm not saying 0:10:17.840 --> 0:10:19.840 you're going to love someone when they're stressed, fully in 0:10:19.840 --> 0:10:21.160 the sense of you're not going to be like, Wow, 0:10:21.200 --> 0:10:23.440 they deal with stress so well. But the point is 0:10:23.440 --> 0:10:25.360 do you both deal with stress well together? Have you 0:10:25.400 --> 0:10:27.679 seen them in that and are you able to figure 0:10:27.679 --> 0:10:30.120 it out? Are you supportive of each other or are 0:10:30.160 --> 0:10:33.240 you just trying to avoid that scenario, and the only 0:10:33.240 --> 0:10:36.160 experiences you've had with each other are on a date 0:10:36.240 --> 0:10:39.400 night when you're practically in an interview. Now, studies shows 0:10:39.440 --> 0:10:42.040 that men are quicker to say I love you than women, 0:10:42.480 --> 0:10:45.520 taking an average of eighty eight days. Women take an 0:10:45.520 --> 0:10:49.440 average of one hundred and thirty four days. Right, so 0:10:49.559 --> 0:10:51.719 men are saying it quicker, which is why I hear 0:10:51.760 --> 0:10:53.920 a lot from women that they've in loved bomb or 0:10:53.960 --> 0:10:57.080 had this experience. Now, how do you deal with this? 0:10:57.120 --> 0:10:59.640 If someone says I love you too soon? How do 0:10:59.640 --> 0:11:01.520 you deal with it? Because they might be great, it 0:11:01.600 --> 0:11:03.720 might actually be going in the right direction. I'm not saying, oh, 0:11:03.760 --> 0:11:05.080 when someone says that to you, you you break up with 0:11:05.120 --> 0:11:07.040 them and go, all right, well your love bombing me, 0:11:07.080 --> 0:11:09.559 it's over. This is not what I need. Like Jay 0:11:09.640 --> 0:11:11.480 told me that, you know, that's not what I'm saying. 0:11:11.720 --> 0:11:14.480 I think, first of all, we should never feel pressured 0:11:14.480 --> 0:11:16.600 to say I love you back. Sixty percent of dating 0:11:16.640 --> 0:11:19.680 app users feel pressured to say I love you too early. 0:11:19.920 --> 0:11:22.760 You should never be saying those words too early. There's 0:11:22.800 --> 0:11:25.120 there's no need for that. I think when someone says 0:11:25.120 --> 0:11:27.880 it to you, you can genuinely ask them what do 0:11:27.920 --> 0:11:30.319 you mean like no, no, no, I don't believe you, 0:11:30.440 --> 0:11:32.800 or this is awkward, more like, well, what do you 0:11:32.840 --> 0:11:35.200 mean by that? Like what do you love about me? 0:11:35.760 --> 0:11:39.240 And you may think that that's quite forward, but actually 0:11:39.240 --> 0:11:41.800 you give yourself an opportunity to listen to that person, 0:11:41.840 --> 0:11:44.680 and that person also gets a sign that goes, okay, well, 0:11:44.720 --> 0:11:48.720 this person's smart, this person switched on. I remember actually 0:11:49.160 --> 0:11:52.800 saying that to an ex girlfriend early on and that 0:11:52.880 --> 0:11:56.200 being her response, and it actually made me reflect, only 0:11:56.240 --> 0:11:58.360 for me to realize that I didn't have as strong 0:11:58.400 --> 0:12:01.800 feelings for her as I thought. And I think that 0:12:01.800 --> 0:12:03.640 that can be probably one of the best things that 0:12:03.720 --> 0:12:06.160 someone can ask you is what do you mean by that? 0:12:06.240 --> 0:12:08.200 Like what do you love about me? I'd love to know? 0:12:08.520 --> 0:12:11.440 And you're asking it not in a confrontation or intimidating way. 0:12:11.640 --> 0:12:14.880 You're asking in a genuine way. And so I want 0:12:14.880 --> 0:12:18.000 you to be aware of this one because the challenge 0:12:18.080 --> 0:12:21.000 is when someone says I love you, they're signing up 0:12:21.480 --> 0:12:24.520 to live up to their definition, and when you say 0:12:24.559 --> 0:12:26.680 I love you, you're signing up to live up to 0:12:26.760 --> 0:12:31.160 your definition. And so if you both have your own definitions, 0:12:31.800 --> 0:12:34.480 but you think that person signing up to yours, and 0:12:34.559 --> 0:12:36.960 you think you're signing up to theirs, right, Like, actually 0:12:36.960 --> 0:12:39.280 you think you're signing up to yours. So if you're 0:12:39.320 --> 0:12:42.079 not ready to commit to their definition, or if you 0:12:42.120 --> 0:12:44.640 don't even know what it is, chances are that's going 0:12:44.640 --> 0:12:46.280 to be a challenge. So that's something to look out for. 0:12:46.920 --> 0:12:49.680 Number two is the pressure to have sex. Fifty two 0:12:49.679 --> 0:12:53.480 percent of women who are app users felt pressure to 0:12:53.559 --> 0:12:57.640 have sex by someone who loved bombed them. Right. This 0:12:58.080 --> 0:13:00.840 is really really challenging to see to think that over 0:13:00.880 --> 0:13:04.400 fifty percent of people are pressured, and I don't have 0:13:04.440 --> 0:13:06.600 the stats on how many of those people actually go 0:13:06.760 --> 0:13:11.199 through with it, but it's really interesting how sex can 0:13:11.280 --> 0:13:15.080 distort our perception of love. So the research shows that 0:13:15.120 --> 0:13:18.760 sex can distract us from making good choices about who 0:13:18.800 --> 0:13:22.000 to be with and whether to stay with them. So 0:13:22.280 --> 0:13:24.920 if you're being pressured into sex too early on in 0:13:24.920 --> 0:13:28.440 a relationship or ever in a relationship, it can actually 0:13:28.520 --> 0:13:31.080 distort how you feel about that person and about love. 0:13:31.559 --> 0:13:35.280 And one of the biggest causes of that distraction is 0:13:35.320 --> 0:13:40.480 the hormone oxytocin. Now, according to neuroscientists and psychiatrist Daniel Aman, 0:13:40.960 --> 0:13:44.520 Oxytocin is related to feelings of being in love, and 0:13:44.600 --> 0:13:48.800 the release of oxytocin can support and even accelerate bonding 0:13:48.840 --> 0:13:52.120 and trust. So generally men have lower levels of oxytocin 0:13:52.160 --> 0:13:56.400 than women, but sex causes men's oxytocin levels to spike 0:13:56.679 --> 0:14:01.120 more than five hundred percent. New York Universe City neuroscientist 0:14:01.360 --> 0:14:05.760 Robert Frumka says that oxytocin acts like a volume dial, 0:14:06.240 --> 0:14:10.400 turning up an amplifying brain activity related to whatever someone 0:14:10.480 --> 0:14:14.600 is already experiencing. During and after sex, we feel more 0:14:14.760 --> 0:14:18.680 in love, but it's not actually love. We feel closer 0:14:18.760 --> 0:14:23.800 chemically even though we're not closer emotionally. Additionally, the hormone 0:14:23.840 --> 0:14:28.320 actually has a temporary blocking effect on negative memories. So 0:14:28.400 --> 0:14:31.240 all those little things that were bothering you, or that 0:14:31.400 --> 0:14:34.040 argument you had beforehand, or the worry you had that 0:14:34.080 --> 0:14:36.400 they weren't right for you, which might have been a 0:14:36.480 --> 0:14:39.880 major warning sign, could fade after sex. So if someone 0:14:39.920 --> 0:14:42.480 pressures you into having sex and you go through with it, 0:14:42.760 --> 0:14:45.240 chances are you'll forget that you were pressured into it. 0:14:45.360 --> 0:14:49.200 Chances are you'll forget that you were unsure about them beforehand. 0:14:49.640 --> 0:14:53.320 So when I interviewed husband and wife relationship experts John 0:14:53.320 --> 0:14:56.400 and Julie Gottman on My podcast, and doctor Daniel Lam 0:14:56.440 --> 0:14:58.720 has also been on the podcast. But John said that 0:14:58.800 --> 0:15:02.800 oxytocin can be the hormone of bad judgment. He says, 0:15:02.800 --> 0:15:06.240 you keep thinking it's going to be okay because the 0:15:06.320 --> 0:15:10.240 hormone makes you feel safe and secure. You don't see 0:15:10.280 --> 0:15:14.760 the red flags the person is sending saying I'm not trustworthy. 0:15:15.040 --> 0:15:17.640 So I want you to be really careful at the 0:15:17.640 --> 0:15:21.480 beginning of a relationship about how you feel about something 0:15:21.760 --> 0:15:24.480 how quickly you have sex, not from a position of like, 0:15:24.760 --> 0:15:27.560 I'm not saying like, hold it back, wait till this day, Like, 0:15:27.680 --> 0:15:29.680 That's not the kind of advice I'm giving you. What 0:15:29.720 --> 0:15:32.000 I'm trying to say to you is, if you have sex, 0:15:32.200 --> 0:15:34.600 you're likely to have more positive feelings about this person 0:15:34.600 --> 0:15:36.880 and forget the bad things about them during that time, 0:15:37.200 --> 0:15:40.200 And so you don't want to be making decisions around 0:15:40.240 --> 0:15:42.680 that time. Right, That's not the time you want to 0:15:42.680 --> 0:15:46.280 be making those choices and making those decisions. So I 0:15:46.320 --> 0:15:49.880 really want you to be reflective and thoughtful about that. Please, please, 0:15:49.880 --> 0:15:54.120 please think about that for sure, all right. Number three 0:15:54.640 --> 0:15:59.400 is someone is talking about moving in, marriage and kids. 0:15:59.480 --> 0:16:03.720 Now again this feels like an exciting thing. Oh my gosh, 0:16:03.840 --> 0:16:05.760 don't want to move in with me? And I'm talking 0:16:05.760 --> 0:16:08.840 about they talk about this too early marriage kids love 0:16:08.920 --> 0:16:12.640 bombing Again from the Shanko study, twenty five percent women 0:16:12.760 --> 0:16:16.400 need to seek therapy after they've been love bombed, right, 0:16:16.520 --> 0:16:19.880 because it really makes you believe you're really special when 0:16:19.920 --> 0:16:21.880 someone's like and I had a friend who literally just 0:16:21.880 --> 0:16:24.200 went through this, Oh, let's move in. I can't wait. 0:16:24.240 --> 0:16:25.880 Of kids, Oh my god, they'll be so cute. You're 0:16:25.880 --> 0:16:29.120 having all these conversations so early on, and you don't 0:16:29.120 --> 0:16:30.360 even know what country you want to live in, you 0:16:30.400 --> 0:16:31.960 don't even know what you're doing with your own life, 0:16:32.000 --> 0:16:34.520 you don't even know this person's family, and you're having 0:16:34.560 --> 0:16:37.480 all these conversations. So I think this is a big one. 0:16:37.760 --> 0:16:42.520 And this actually happens more during times of personal stress 0:16:43.000 --> 0:16:46.480 and personal weakness. So listen to this. I've got a 0:16:46.480 --> 0:16:48.640 couple of stories I want to share with you. Fresh 0:16:48.640 --> 0:16:52.320 out of college, Caitlin Riley decided she was ready to 0:16:52.360 --> 0:16:55.240 find love. So to meet someone, she joined a co 0:16:55.480 --> 0:16:58.880 ed soccer team. Unfortunately, Caitlin says she didn't get a 0:16:58.880 --> 0:17:02.720 lot of passes, tatious or otherwise. Finally, during one game, 0:17:02.840 --> 0:17:05.720 a ball came her way. Seeing her opportunity to score 0:17:05.760 --> 0:17:09.040 a goal, Caitlin went for it. Unfortunately, the ball ricocheted 0:17:09.080 --> 0:17:12.320 and smacked her in the face. Her eye read and swollen. 0:17:12.480 --> 0:17:15.520 Caitlyn went to ear and saw the on call doctor, 0:17:15.800 --> 0:17:17.840 who told her she'd have to come in for daily 0:17:17.880 --> 0:17:21.080 exams for a while to make sure the healing went well. 0:17:21.119 --> 0:17:24.639 On that first meeting, something else happened. Caitlyn sensed a 0:17:24.720 --> 0:17:27.760 little chemistry. Was it possible the young doctor was flirting 0:17:27.760 --> 0:17:31.080 with her? Over several more visits and after a little 0:17:31.119 --> 0:17:33.880 online research, Caitlyn decided the doctor could be the man 0:17:33.920 --> 0:17:36.720 of her dreams and he was definitely into her right. 0:17:36.960 --> 0:17:39.720 A few weeks later, at her last appointment, she decided 0:17:39.760 --> 0:17:42.200 to ask her doctor out. Yeah, when the time came, 0:17:42.280 --> 0:17:46.600 she got nervous, she fainted. Caitlin ended up being wheeled 0:17:46.640 --> 0:17:49.520 to the ear and was so embarrassed she never asked 0:17:49.560 --> 0:17:51.680 him out. But as she says, when it comes to love, 0:17:52.000 --> 0:17:55.399 she's keeping her good eye open right now. The reason 0:17:55.440 --> 0:17:59.120 I'm telling you that story is because in times of stress, 0:17:59.520 --> 0:18:02.320 we get attracted to people, especially who are taking care 0:18:02.359 --> 0:18:05.280 of us, who are supporting us, who are looking out 0:18:05.320 --> 0:18:08.440 for us, and whether there was romantic chemistry or not, 0:18:08.520 --> 0:18:11.840 there were more open to this idea of being love bombed. 0:18:11.840 --> 0:18:14.720 Obviously that's a specific and extreme scenario, but you want 0:18:14.760 --> 0:18:17.320 to think about when you're stressed, how you view the 0:18:17.359 --> 0:18:20.000 person you're attracted to. Another story I wanted to tell 0:18:20.040 --> 0:18:23.600 you about. Tasha and Andrew met at a healing workshop. 0:18:24.040 --> 0:18:27.520 Tasha had crossed several states, and Andrew had flown in 0:18:27.560 --> 0:18:30.800 from another country. During the intensive the two paired up 0:18:30.840 --> 0:18:34.200 several times, and by the end they confessed their attraction 0:18:34.240 --> 0:18:36.520 to one another. They made a plan to meet up 0:18:36.520 --> 0:18:39.679 again in a city roughly halfway between where they lived. 0:18:39.840 --> 0:18:43.000 They spent a magical long weekend together, and from there 0:18:43.240 --> 0:18:47.040 they embarked on a passionate romance. Before long, Tasha moved 0:18:47.080 --> 0:18:49.760 to Andrew's home country to be with him, and she 0:18:49.800 --> 0:18:53.959 became pregnant. Not long after that, they were married. Unfortunately, 0:18:54.200 --> 0:18:57.680 soon after their baby was born, the problems began. Tasha 0:18:57.680 --> 0:19:00.880 began to suffer depression and feeling alone in her new 0:19:00.920 --> 0:19:04.600 country and questioning her relationship with Andrew. She and their 0:19:04.680 --> 0:19:08.160 child moved home unsure of whether Andrew would be joining them. 0:19:08.440 --> 0:19:12.280 Eventually he did and they started couples counseling. Both of 0:19:12.320 --> 0:19:14.600 those stories are an example of what can happen when 0:19:14.600 --> 0:19:19.560 we meet during times of high emotional stress. In psychological terms, 0:19:19.640 --> 0:19:24.720 transference is when a client or patient projects their emotions 0:19:24.800 --> 0:19:28.399 and inner conflicts, sometimes related to a specific person in 0:19:28.440 --> 0:19:32.400 their life, such as a parent or partner, onto a practitioner. 0:19:32.960 --> 0:19:35.960 But we can experience projections of this kind in any 0:19:36.000 --> 0:19:39.200 type of relationship. Right, Transference and similar types of projection 0:19:39.600 --> 0:19:43.359 can also temporarily blind us to signs that the other 0:19:43.400 --> 0:19:46.640 person isn't perhaps right for us, that the relationship could 0:19:46.640 --> 0:19:49.880 be inappropriate, or that they will simply not be interested 0:19:49.920 --> 0:19:54.120 in us in that way. So this is why in 0:19:54.160 --> 0:19:57.080 my book I talk so deeply about solitude and the 0:19:57.160 --> 0:19:59.399 power of being in a good place, not in the 0:19:59.400 --> 0:20:01.639 perfect place, but being in a good place when you 0:20:01.680 --> 0:20:04.200 get into a relationship, because now you're able to spot 0:20:04.200 --> 0:20:06.560 these signs earlier. Right. Again, this doesn't mean you have 0:20:06.600 --> 0:20:09.520 to break up with someone if they display this sign 0:20:09.600 --> 0:20:13.680 or something like that, but so often we're actually turning 0:20:13.680 --> 0:20:18.400 to someone out of weakness rather than a position of strength. Now, 0:20:18.440 --> 0:20:21.719 the next one is Gaslighting number four, And for this one, 0:20:21.760 --> 0:20:23.600 I want you to go listen to my episode with 0:20:23.760 --> 0:20:27.280 doctor Ramany on the show. So I'm referencing three great 0:20:27.320 --> 0:20:30.000 podcasts to go listen to after this one. Doctor Daniel 0:20:30.000 --> 0:20:32.960 Aymon's been on the podcast maybe three or four times now. 0:20:33.000 --> 0:20:36.200 All of them are great interviews. Then we've had John 0:20:36.200 --> 0:20:38.320 and Julie Gottman who have been on the podcast once, 0:20:38.400 --> 0:20:40.560 and doctor Romany who has been in the podcast. One 0:20:40.640 --> 0:20:44.560 we did a masterclass on gaslighting, narcissism, and love bombing together. 0:20:45.040 --> 0:20:46.959 Makes you go listen to that episode. I think a 0:20:46.960 --> 0:20:50.760 lot of people are experiencing gaslighting more and more now, 0:20:51.040 --> 0:20:54.320 and it comes from the other person's insecurity. It comes 0:20:54.320 --> 0:20:57.960 from the other person's challenges, but end up leaving us 0:20:57.960 --> 0:21:02.320 with insecurities and challenges. So the definition that's given by 0:21:02.320 --> 0:21:06.240 Medical News today is that in relationships, an abusive person 0:21:06.280 --> 0:21:10.719 may use gaslighting to isolate their partner, undermine their confidence, 0:21:10.960 --> 0:21:14.280 and make them easier to control. For example, they might 0:21:14.280 --> 0:21:18.080 tell someone they are irrational until the person starts to 0:21:18.119 --> 0:21:22.440 think it must be true, right, so they make you 0:21:22.600 --> 0:21:27.040 feel you have a particular weakness in order for them 0:21:27.080 --> 0:21:30.679 to be more in control of that relationship makes you 0:21:30.720 --> 0:21:36.240 go listen to the Doctor ramany episode all right. Number five, 0:21:36.920 --> 0:21:40.440 someone who encourages you to give up your purpose, passion, 0:21:40.720 --> 0:21:44.360 or your dreams. This one's huge because often you find 0:21:44.400 --> 0:21:46.840 someone who's like, ah, don't worry about that, it's not 0:21:46.920 --> 0:21:49.679 a big deal. Like, oh, that's okay. Maybe you're just 0:21:49.760 --> 0:21:52.000 too ambitious, right, there's a bit of gaslighting there too. 0:21:52.040 --> 0:21:54.760 You're too ambitious. There's no need for that, you know, 0:21:54.800 --> 0:21:57.600 it's just not really you know, do you really want that? Like? 0:21:57.720 --> 0:22:00.600 You know, it's that questioning, that doubting that comes in. 0:22:00.960 --> 0:22:03.679 And I think it's so important for us to be 0:22:03.920 --> 0:22:06.919 there as a support for our partners. So if you 0:22:06.960 --> 0:22:10.879 find someone that supports your dreams versus gets insecure about 0:22:10.920 --> 0:22:13.200