Speaker 1: Oxytocin can be the hormone of bad judgment. As you
Speaker 1: keep thinking it's going to be okay. Because the hormone
Speaker 1: makes you feel safe and secure, you don't see the
Speaker 1: red flags the person is sending saying I'm not trustworthy.
Speaker 1: So I want you to be really careful at the
Speaker 1: beginning of a relationship about how you feel about something
Speaker 1: how quickly you have sex, not from a position of like,
Speaker 1: I'm not saying like, hold it back, wait till this day, like,
Speaker 1: That's not the kind of advice I'm giving you. What
Speaker 1: I'm trying to say to you is if you have sex,
Speaker 1: you're likely to have more positive feelings about this person
Speaker 1: and forget the bad things about them during that time,
Speaker 1: and so you don't want to be making decisions around
Speaker 1: that time. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the
Speaker 1: number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each
Speaker 1: and every one of you that come back every week
Speaker 1: to listen, learn and grow. And I am so excited
Speaker 1: to be talking to you today. I can't believe it.
Speaker 1: My new book, Eight Rules of Love is out and
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you, thank you so much for all
Speaker 1: the support for Eight Rules of Love. It has been
Speaker 1: an incredible launch week. I am so deeply grateful for
Speaker 1: the amount of just love and kindness. I see all
Speaker 1: of you tagging the book in your stories, and last
Speaker 1: week I gave you the first introduction of the audiobook,
Speaker 1: absolutely free. If you haven't listened to it, go back
Speaker 1: and do and then download the audiobook from eight Rules
Speaker 1: of Love dot com, Amazon, Audible, wherever you get your books.
Speaker 1: It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep, or
Speaker 1: let go of love. So if you've got friends that
Speaker 1: are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure
Speaker 1: you grab this book. And I'd love to invite you
Speaker 1: to come and see me for my global tour Love Rules.
Speaker 1: Go to Jay shehtytour dot com to learn more information
Speaker 1: about tickets, VIP experiences and more. I can't wait to
Speaker 1: see you this year. Now. If you're someone who's dating
Speaker 1: right now, this episode is for you. If you have
Speaker 1: a friend who's dating, this episode is for you. If
Speaker 1: you have a friend who's in a relationship and they're
Speaker 1: reflecting about it, introspecting about whether they're in the right
Speaker 1: relationship with the right person, if things are going in
Speaker 1: the right direction, this episode is for you, or if
Speaker 1: you're in that position. Of course, this episode is for
Speaker 1: you now. The reason why I put this episode together
Speaker 1: is because I have had so many conversations with so
Speaker 1: many people in my life recently where they've avoided red flags,
Speaker 1: They've experienced gas lighting, they've experienced love bombing, but they
Speaker 1: didn't realize it until afterwards. And at the same time,
Speaker 1: I have a lot of friends and family and people
Speaker 1: in my life who I think have spotted a red
Speaker 1: flag and immediately thought that's it, it's over. This has
Speaker 1: to end here, rather than learn the skill and the
Speaker 1: art of figuring out is this a really extreme red
Speaker 1: flag or is it more of like a pink salmon color? Right? Like,
Speaker 1: is this really an issue? Or are we making an
Speaker 1: issue out of it? Because we're scared, we're insecure, we're worried.
Speaker 1: Often we can give up a great thing or a
Speaker 1: good thing because we're not in the right mindset right.
Speaker 1: Often we think someone's wrong for us because we're not
Speaker 1: in the right space. How many times have you ever
Speaker 1: experienced that? And I don't want you to miss out
Speaker 1: on the right person. And I also don't want you
Speaker 1: to stay with the wrong person, right. I don't want
Speaker 1: you to do either one of those, because it leads
Speaker 1: to a lot of pain, It leads to a lot
Speaker 1: of heartbreak, and everyone goes through heartbreak. Everyone goes through
Speaker 1: the feeling of rejection. It's something that I think most
Speaker 1: people have experienced, but we know it's not a happy feeling.
Speaker 1: It's not an easy feeling. So research shows that the
Speaker 1: areas that are activated in the brain when we're in
Speaker 1: love are the same as those involved in cocaine addiction. Fascinating, right,
Speaker 1: So the way your brain experiences a breakup is kind
Speaker 1: of like the misery of detox. Just as addicts crave
Speaker 1: a fix, we can literally crave the other person. This
Speaker 1: happens in part because our brains flood with chemical messengers
Speaker 1: that are part of our reward and motivation circuitry. Our
Speaker 1: brain sends urgent signals that we should hurry up and
Speaker 1: retrieve what's missing. That's why you want to text your X.
Speaker 1: That's why you want to see them again, That's why
Speaker 1: you're obsessed with following them on social media and seeing
Speaker 1: what they're up to, because we're literally detoxing from an addiction.
Speaker 1: In one study of breakups, participants reported thinking about their
Speaker 1: X is roughly eighty five percent of the time they
Speaker 1: were awake, eighty five percent of the time that they
Speaker 1: were awake. That's huge. Now, I know we've all been there, right,
Speaker 1: So let's be let's be honest, we've all been there.
Speaker 1: The flood of hormones isn't the brain's only response to
Speaker 1: a breakup. Areas of the brain that are active in
Speaker 1: heartbreak are the same as those ones that process physical pain,
Speaker 1: But as the researcher Helen Fisher says, the differences. While
Speaker 1: pain from a stubbed toe or a toothache fades, emotions
Speaker 1: can intensify the sensation of a breakup. We don't get
Speaker 1: angry with our tooth or feel rejected by the couch
Speaker 1: we bumped into, says Helen Fisher, But with our exes,
Speaker 1: we harbor hurt feelings dash dreams, which can exacerbate and
Speaker 1: extend the pain. In this stay, our brains can desperately
Speaker 1: seek oxytocin, the bonding hormone, because it decreases feelings of
Speaker 1: fear and anxiety, and we're likely to seek this chemical
Speaker 1: experience from our ex and this can prompt some pretty
Speaker 1: irrational things, right, lack of emotional control, irregular eating, right,
Speaker 1: or emailing, pleading, sobbing for hours, drinking too much. We've
Speaker 1: all been there. So this episode is to help avoid
Speaker 1: that at all costs if you can, not by staying
Speaker 1: with someone who's wrong for you, but by either calling
Speaker 1: it quits earlier, or by working through things that are
Speaker 1: actually not that redder flag. So I hope this episode
Speaker 1: helps you, guides you, gives you some insights to think about.
Speaker 1: That's all I'm ever trying to do. I'm never telling
Speaker 1: you whether you should break up or shouldn't break up
Speaker 1: with someone. My goal is to give you enough insight
Speaker 1: and information to make healthier decisions yourself through the use
Speaker 1: of wisdom and science. So thank you for being here again.
Speaker 1: If you haven't already, I hope you're going to order
Speaker 1: my new book, Eight Rules of Love. This book is
Speaker 1: going to help guide you into how to find love,
Speaker 1: keep love, and let it go in a healthy way.
Speaker 1: And I can't wait for you to have that book.
Speaker 1: If you don't already have it, I hope you're enjoying it.
Speaker 1: If you do, I really really hope that it's helping you. Now,
Speaker 1: how can we avoid this feeling? If we can, and
Speaker 1: when we can? This statistic really blew my mind. Seven
Speaker 1: point two out of ten. Gen Z would rather date
Speaker 1: a love bomber than someone who is emotionally unavailable or noncommittal. Now.
Speaker 1: A love bomber, by definition, is someone who displays feelings
Speaker 1: of affection early and in a heightened way, but doesn't
Speaker 1: necessarily back them up over the long term. They're not
Speaker 1: going to live up to their promises. It can be
Speaker 1: a really painful thing to go through, which often leaves
Speaker 1: you feeling like you're the most loved person in the world,
Speaker 1: to then feeling like you're the least loved person in
Speaker 1: the world. The Healthline describes it as it happens when
Speaker 1: someone overwhelms you with loving words, actions, and behavior. As
Speaker 1: a manipulation technique. It's often used to win over your
Speaker 1: trust and affection so that they can meet a goal
Speaker 1: of theirs, says Sharon Paker, m A, a license marriage
Speaker 1: and family therapist. So I saw this brilliant love bombing
Speaker 1: survey from Shanko, where some of today's research is from,
Speaker 1: and so if you don't follow them or haven't checked
Speaker 1: it out, definitely go take a look at it. The
Speaker 1: study says that seventy percent of people have had a
Speaker 1: partner say I love you within the first month of
Speaker 1: seeing each other. How many times have you done this?
Speaker 1: How many times does it happen to you that seventy
Speaker 1: percent of people have had a partner say I love
Speaker 1: you within the first month of seeing each other. Now,
Speaker 1: I promise you right now, there is no way that
Speaker 1: in the first month of seeing each other someone can
Speaker 1: truly love you completely, fully holy. Yes they can like you,
Speaker 1: Yes they can be into you, Yes they can be
Speaker 1: attracted to you, Yes they can want to love you,
Speaker 1: but someone loving you. And the problem is we love
Speaker 1: hearing those three words. We want to hear them so badly,
Speaker 1: and we want to feel them. Only thirty one percent
Speaker 1: of dating app users would break up with someone who
Speaker 1: said I love you in the first month, which shows
Speaker 1: we like it, which proves we want it and like it.
Speaker 1: Sixty percent of dating app users feel pressured to say
Speaker 1: I love you too early in a relationship. The first
Speaker 1: red flag in a relationship is if someone says I
Speaker 1: love you too soon. We have to be very careful.
Speaker 1: We have to slow it down, we have to be
Speaker 1: thoughtful about I had this great conversation the other day,
Speaker 1: what does it mean when someone loves us. We have
Speaker 1: to define that for ourselves. But when I think about
Speaker 1: the kind of love we want and the love that
Speaker 1: I hear people want, it means a love where we're
Speaker 1: accepted for who we are, truly who we are, and
Speaker 1: we can be ourselves. We all want a space where
Speaker 1: we get accepted for our authentic, aligned selves, and that
Speaker 1: means someone has had to see you stressed, see you fatigued,
Speaker 1: see you exhausted, see you irritated, and you will have
Speaker 1: had to see them in those scenarios as well, because
Speaker 1: we know that our character is really shown when we're tested,
Speaker 1: and we know that long term love is based on character, right.
Speaker 1: Liking is based on chemistry. Loving is based on character.
Speaker 1: So the only way you can love someone is if
Speaker 1: you've experienced different elements of their character and you've found
Speaker 1: a way to make peace with that. I'm not saying
Speaker 1: you're going to love someone when they're stressed, fully in
Speaker 1: the sense of you're not going to be like, Wow,
Speaker 1: they deal with stress so well. But the point is
Speaker 1: do you both deal with stress well together? Have you
Speaker 1: seen them in that and are you able to figure
Speaker 1: it out? Are you supportive of each other or are
Speaker 1: you just trying to avoid that scenario, and the only
Speaker 1: experiences you've had with each other are on a date
Speaker 1: night when you're practically in an interview. Now, studies shows
Speaker 1: that men are quicker to say I love you than women,
Speaker 1: taking an average of eighty eight days. Women take an
Speaker 1: average of one hundred and thirty four days. Right, so
Speaker 1: men are saying it quicker, which is why I hear
Speaker 1: a lot from women that they've in loved bomb or
Speaker 1: had this experience. Now, how do you deal with this?
Speaker 1: If someone says I love you too soon? How do
Speaker 1: you deal with it? Because they might be great, it
Speaker 1: might actually be going in the right direction. I'm not saying, oh,
Speaker 1: when someone says that to you, you you break up with
Speaker 1: them and go, all right, well your love bombing me,
Speaker 1: it's over. This is not what I need. Like Jay
Speaker 1: told me that, you know, that's not what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: I think, first of all, we should never feel pressured
Speaker 1: to say I love you back. Sixty percent of dating
Speaker 1: app users feel pressured to say I love you too early.
Speaker 1: You should never be saying those words too early. There's
Speaker 1: there's no need for that. I think when someone says
Speaker 1: it to you, you can genuinely ask them what do
Speaker 1: you mean like no, no, no, I don't believe you,
Speaker 1: or this is awkward, more like, well, what do you
Speaker 1: mean by that? Like what do you love about me?
Speaker 1: And you may think that that's quite forward, but actually
Speaker 1: you give yourself an opportunity to listen to that person,
Speaker 1: and that person also gets a sign that goes, okay, well,
Speaker 1: this person's smart, this person switched on. I remember actually
Speaker 1: saying that to an ex girlfriend early on and that
Speaker 1: being her response, and it actually made me reflect, only
Speaker 1: for me to realize that I didn't have as strong
Speaker 1: feelings for her as I thought. And I think that
Speaker 1: that can be probably one of the best things that
Speaker 1: someone can ask you is what do you mean by that?
Speaker 1: Like what do you love about me? I'd love to know?
Speaker 1: And you're asking it not in a confrontation or intimidating way.
Speaker 1: You're asking in a genuine way. And so I want
Speaker 1: you to be aware of this one because the challenge
Speaker 1: is when someone says I love you, they're signing up
Speaker 1: to live up to their definition, and when you say
Speaker 1: I love you, you're signing up to live up to
Speaker 1: your definition. And so if you both have your own definitions,
Speaker 1: but you think that person signing up to yours, and
Speaker 1: you think you're signing up to theirs, right, Like, actually
Speaker 1: you think you're signing up to yours. So if you're
Speaker 1: not ready to commit to their definition, or if you
Speaker 1: don't even know what it is, chances are that's going
Speaker 1: to be a challenge. So that's something to look out for.
Speaker 1: Number two is the pressure to have sex. Fifty two
Speaker 1: percent of women who are app users felt pressure to
Speaker 1: have sex by someone who loved bombed them. Right. This
Speaker 1: is really really challenging to see to think that over
Speaker 1: fifty percent of people are pressured, and I don't have
Speaker 1: the stats on how many of those people actually go
Speaker 1: through with it, but it's really interesting how sex can
Speaker 1: distort our perception of love. So the research shows that
Speaker 1: sex can distract us from making good choices about who
Speaker 1: to be with and whether to stay with them. So
Speaker 1: if you're being pressured into sex too early on in
Speaker 1: a relationship or ever in a relationship, it can actually
Speaker 1: distort how you feel about that person and about love.
Speaker 1: And one of the biggest causes of that distraction is
Speaker 1: the hormone oxytocin. Now, according to neuroscientists and psychiatrist Daniel Aman,
Speaker 1: Oxytocin is related to feelings of being in love, and
Speaker 1: the release of oxytocin can support and even accelerate bonding
Speaker 1: and trust. So generally men have lower levels of oxytocin
Speaker 1: than women, but sex causes men's oxytocin levels to spike
Speaker 1: more than five hundred percent. New York Universe City neuroscientist
Speaker 1: Robert Frumka says that oxytocin acts like a volume dial,
Speaker 1: turning up an amplifying brain activity related to whatever someone
Speaker 1: is already experiencing. During and after sex, we feel more
Speaker 1: in love, but it's not actually love. We feel closer
Speaker 1: chemically even though we're not closer emotionally. Additionally, the hormone
Speaker 1: actually has a temporary blocking effect on negative memories. So
Speaker 1: all those little things that were bothering you, or that
Speaker 1: argument you had beforehand, or the worry you had that
Speaker 1: they weren't right for you, which might have been a
Speaker 1: major warning sign, could fade after sex. So if someone
Speaker 1: pressures you into having sex and you go through with it,
Speaker 1: chances are you'll forget that you were pressured into it.
Speaker 1: Chances are you'll forget that you were unsure about them beforehand.
Speaker 1: So when I interviewed husband and wife relationship experts John
Speaker 1: and Julie Gottman on My podcast, and doctor Daniel Lam
Speaker 1: has also been on the podcast. But John said that
Speaker 1: oxytocin can be the hormone of bad judgment. He says,
Speaker 1: you keep thinking it's going to be okay because the
Speaker 1: hormone makes you feel safe and secure. You don't see
Speaker 1: the red flags the person is sending saying I'm not trustworthy.
Speaker 1: So I want you to be really careful at the
Speaker 1: beginning of a relationship about how you feel about something
Speaker 1: how quickly you have sex, not from a position of like,
Speaker 1: I'm not saying like, hold it back, wait till this day, Like,
Speaker 1: That's not the kind of advice I'm giving you. What
Speaker 1: I'm trying to say to you is, if you have sex,
Speaker 1: you're likely to have more positive feelings about this person
Speaker 1: and forget the bad things about them during that time,
Speaker 1: And so you don't want to be making decisions around
Speaker 1: that time. Right, That's not the time you want to
Speaker 1: be making those choices and making those decisions. So I
Speaker 1: really want you to be reflective and thoughtful about that. Please, please,
Speaker 1: please think about that for sure, all right. Number three
Speaker 1: is someone is talking about moving in, marriage and kids.
Speaker 1: Now again this feels like an exciting thing. Oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: don't want to move in with me? And I'm talking
Speaker 1: about they talk about this too early marriage kids love
Speaker 1: bombing Again from the Shanko study, twenty five percent women
Speaker 1: need to seek therapy after they've been love bombed, right,
Speaker 1: because it really makes you believe you're really special when
Speaker 1: someone's like and I had a friend who literally just
Speaker 1: went through this, Oh, let's move in. I can't wait.
Speaker 1: Of kids, Oh my god, they'll be so cute. You're
Speaker 1: having all these conversations so early on, and you don't
Speaker 1: even know what country you want to live in, you
Speaker 1: don't even know what you're doing with your own life,
Speaker 1: you don't even know this person's family, and you're having
Speaker 1: all these conversations. So I think this is a big one.
Speaker 1: And this actually happens more during times of personal stress
Speaker 1: and personal weakness. So listen to this. I've got a
Speaker 1: couple of stories I want to share with you. Fresh
Speaker 1: out of college, Caitlin Riley decided she was ready to
Speaker 1: find love. So to meet someone, she joined a co
Speaker 1: ed soccer team. Unfortunately, Caitlin says she didn't get a
Speaker 1: lot of passes, tatious or otherwise. Finally, during one game,
Speaker 1: a ball came her way. Seeing her opportunity to score
Speaker 1: a goal, Caitlin went for it. Unfortunately, the ball ricocheted
Speaker 1: and smacked her in the face. Her eye read and swollen.
Speaker 1: Caitlyn went to ear and saw the on call doctor,
Speaker 1: who told her she'd have to come in for daily
Speaker 1: exams for a while to make sure the healing went well.
Speaker 1: On that first meeting, something else happened. Caitlyn sensed a
Speaker 1: little chemistry. Was it possible the young doctor was flirting
Speaker 1: with her? Over several more visits and after a little
Speaker 1: online research, Caitlyn decided the doctor could be the man
Speaker 1: of her dreams and he was definitely into her right.
Speaker 1: A few weeks later, at her last appointment, she decided
Speaker 1: to ask her doctor out. Yeah, when the time came,
Speaker 1: she got nervous, she fainted. Caitlin ended up being wheeled
Speaker 1: to the ear and was so embarrassed she never asked
Speaker 1: him out. But as she says, when it comes to love,
Speaker 1: she's keeping her good eye open right now. The reason
Speaker 1: I'm telling you that story is because in times of stress,
Speaker 1: we get attracted to people, especially who are taking care
Speaker 1: of us, who are supporting us, who are looking out
Speaker 1: for us, and whether there was romantic chemistry or not,
Speaker 1: there were more open to this idea of being love bombed.
Speaker 1: Obviously that's a specific and extreme scenario, but you want
Speaker 1: to think about when you're stressed, how you view the
Speaker 1: person you're attracted to. Another story I wanted to tell
Speaker 1: you about. Tasha and Andrew met at a healing workshop.
Speaker 1: Tasha had crossed several states, and Andrew had flown in
Speaker 1: from another country. During the intensive the two paired up
Speaker 1: several times, and by the end they confessed their attraction
Speaker 1: to one another. They made a plan to meet up
Speaker 1: again in a city roughly halfway between where they lived.
Speaker 1: They spent a magical long weekend together, and from there
Speaker 1: they embarked on a passionate romance. Before long, Tasha moved
Speaker 1: to Andrew's home country to be with him, and she
Speaker 1: became pregnant. Not long after that, they were married. Unfortunately,
Speaker 1: soon after their baby was born, the problems began. Tasha
Speaker 1: began to suffer depression and feeling alone in her new
Speaker 1: country and questioning her relationship with Andrew. She and their
Speaker 1: child moved home unsure of whether Andrew would be joining them.
Speaker 1: Eventually he did and they started couples counseling. Both of
Speaker 1: those stories are an example of what can happen when
Speaker 1: we meet during times of high emotional stress. In psychological terms,
Speaker 1: transference is when a client or patient projects their emotions
Speaker 1: and inner conflicts, sometimes related to a specific person in
Speaker 1: their life, such as a parent or partner, onto a practitioner.
Speaker 1: But we can experience projections of this kind in any
Speaker 1: type of relationship. Right, Transference and similar types of projection
Speaker 1: can also temporarily blind us to signs that the other
Speaker 1: person isn't perhaps right for us, that the relationship could
Speaker 1: be inappropriate, or that they will simply not be interested
Speaker 1: in us in that way. So this is why in
Speaker 1: my book I talk so deeply about solitude and the
Speaker 1: power of being in a good place, not in the
Speaker 1: perfect place, but being in a good place when you
Speaker 1: get into a relationship, because now you're able to spot
Speaker 1: these signs earlier. Right. Again, this doesn't mean you have
Speaker 1: to break up with someone if they display this sign
Speaker 1: or something like that, but so often we're actually turning
Speaker 1: to someone out of weakness rather than a position of strength. Now,
Speaker 1: the next one is Gaslighting number four, And for this one,
Speaker 1: I want you to go listen to my episode with
Speaker 1: doctor Ramany on the show. So I'm referencing three great
Speaker 1: podcasts to go listen to after this one. Doctor Daniel
Speaker 1: Aymon's been on the podcast maybe three or four times now.
Speaker 1: All of them are great interviews. Then we've had John
Speaker 1: and Julie Gottman who have been on the podcast once,
Speaker 1: and doctor Romany who has been in the podcast. One
Speaker 1: we did a masterclass on gaslighting, narcissism, and love bombing together.
Speaker 1: Makes you go listen to that episode. I think a
Speaker 1: lot of people are experiencing gaslighting more and more now,
Speaker 1: and it comes from the other person's insecurity. It comes
Speaker 1: from the other person's challenges, but end up leaving us
Speaker 1: with insecurities and challenges. So the definition that's given by
Speaker 1: Medical News today is that in relationships, an abusive person
Speaker 1: may use gaslighting to isolate their partner, undermine their confidence,
Speaker 1: and make them easier to control. For example, they might
Speaker 1: tell someone they are irrational until the person starts to
Speaker 1: think it must be true, right, so they make you
Speaker 1: feel you have a particular weakness in order for them
Speaker 1: to be more in control of that relationship makes you
Speaker 1: go listen to the Doctor ramany episode all right. Number five,
Speaker 1: someone who encourages you to give up your purpose, passion,
Speaker 1: or your dreams. This one's huge because often you find
Speaker 1: someone who's like, ah, don't worry about that, it's not
Speaker 1: a big deal. Like, oh, that's okay. Maybe you're just
Speaker 1: too ambitious, right, there's a bit of gaslighting there too.
Speaker 1: You're too ambitious. There's no need for that, you know,
Speaker 1: it's just not really you know, do you really want that? Like?
Speaker 1: You know, it's that questioning, that doubting that comes in.
Speaker 1: And I think it's so important for us to be
Speaker 1: there as a support for our partners. So if you
Speaker 1: find someone that supports your dreams versus gets insecure about
Speaker 1: your dreams, that's the kind of person that you want
Speaker 1: in your life. Again, I'm not telling you to break
Speaker 1: up with this person, but it's to have this conversation
Speaker 1: and say, hey, like, I've chased this because I really
Speaker 1: believe in it. I really want this myself. Often a
Speaker 1: partner can help you realize what you truly want something.
Speaker 1: So sometimes this questioning is very helpful. If someone's saying
Speaker 1: to you, like, do you really want to know, does
Speaker 1: your parent want that? That's a great question that's helping
Speaker 1: you reflect. And so the question you have to ask
Speaker 1: yourself is this person telling me what to think? Or
Speaker 1: are they telling me how to think? Right? If someone's
Speaker 1: helping you learn how to think, that's different from them
Speaker 1: telling you what to think. And that's the kind of
Speaker 1: person that you want to help build in your life
Speaker 1: and hopefully help reflect with them. In a twenty nineteen
Speaker 1: piece for The Atlantic, Senior editor Julie Beck investigated what
Speaker 1: it means to be ready a relationship. What she found
Speaker 1: is that the meaning of the phrase varies widely and
Speaker 1: is tough to pin down. However, results from Google's index
Speaker 1: of search strings on printed materials shows that the term
Speaker 1: first showed up in the nineteen fifties, but not until
Speaker 1: the nineteen eighties did it rise to popularity. Today, it's everywhere.
Speaker 1: Stephanie Koontz, a professor of history and family studies, told
Speaker 1: back the timing of the word is just about perfectly
Speaker 1: aligned with a sea change in people's conceptions of marriage.
Speaker 1: It used to be that you got married in order
Speaker 1: to grow up, settle down, start saving up for a
Speaker 1: future home, move away from your teenage preoccupation with yourself
Speaker 1: and learn how to handle a relationship. Whereas many saw
Speaker 1: marriage as a cornerstone for building a happy and successful life,
Speaker 1: now it's viewed more as a capstone. Younger people are
Speaker 1: more apt to want to embark on a relationship when
Speaker 1: we feel we've checked off some of our individ vigual
Speaker 1: adulting goals. So it's almost like we got into a
Speaker 1: relationship in the past to become adults. Now it's almost
Speaker 1: like I want to date an adult, right, how many
Speaker 1: times have you ever said that, Like, I don't want
Speaker 1: to date a child. I don't want to be with
Speaker 1: a child. They don't want to be with a kid.
Speaker 1: I don't have to take care of someone as their parent.
Speaker 1: But that's how relationship started in the past and they evolve.
Speaker 1: Now we're expecting people to have done some self work
Speaker 1: before we get to that. So in this situation, what
Speaker 1: a relationship requires is a little bit of compassion and empathy.
Speaker 1: So if someone doesn't have the ability to be compassion
Speaker 1: and empathetic and you don't towards them, it becomes really
Speaker 1: challenging because you're expecting them to already be a complete
Speaker 1: person before they're even ready for it before they've even
Speaker 1: gone through what's needed. And this is that catch twenty two,
Speaker 1: because you want someone who's working on themselves is a
Speaker 1: work in progress, but isn't a masterpiece, right, Like, that's
Speaker 1: the idea that you're looking for someone who's on the
Speaker 1: path not perfect. If you're looking for perfection, it's going
Speaker 1: to be impossible, And if that person's looking for affection,
Speaker 1: it's impossible. But you're looking for someone who's on the
Speaker 1: path of self work and growth. That's a healthier thing
Speaker 1: to look for. Now. The next one is people who
Speaker 1: talk about their exes now. According to a survey of
Speaker 1: a thousand people by Your Tango, seventy one percent said
Speaker 1: they still think about their X too much. Of single respondence,
Speaker 1: the number was eighty one percent, and more than half
Speaker 1: of single respondents said they think about their X so
Speaker 1: much it's keeping them from moving on. And it seems
Speaker 1: marriage doesn't solve X obsession either, says this study. Sixty
Speaker 1: percent of married folks said they think about an X
Speaker 1: too often, and thirty seven percent said it actually causes
Speaker 1: problems in their marriage. So you do want to be mindful.
Speaker 1: I think we live in a time right now. It's
Speaker 1: like Oh, everyone has exes. It's normal, of course it is.
Speaker 1: But if someone's still talking about their ex a lot
Speaker 1: comparing you to their X, fixated on how things were
Speaker 1: with their ex, even if they keep bringing it up
Speaker 1: in conversation and being like I didn't work out with
Speaker 1: my ex because of this, or oh, I'm still friends
Speaker 1: with my ex. Right. We want to be cool about
Speaker 1: these things, but it can cause challenges. And this is
Speaker 1: the part that really blew my mind that seventy percent
Speaker 1: of guys and seventy six percent of girls say they
Speaker 1: have searched for an X online. So a lot of
Speaker 1: us are still addicted to our exes, the ones that
Speaker 1: got away. Eighty six percent of survey respondents said they
Speaker 1: still look at photos of their ex. And so for
Speaker 1: those of us that want to be all cool and
Speaker 1: act like nonchalant about our partner being friends with their X,
Speaker 1: it is definitely something that if you're worried about it,
Speaker 1: if you're anxious about it, it could be a big deal.
Speaker 1: And I don't just want you to pass it off
Speaker 1: because you think you're more cool or more easy if
Speaker 1: you don't make a thing out of it. Matches. Singles
Speaker 1: of America's survey found that half of men and forty
Speaker 1: two percent of women said they'd stay friends with an X. However,
Speaker 1: study by researchers from the University of Connecticut found that
Speaker 1: when people were friends with their X, they tended to
Speaker 1: not only have more romantic desires, but also more negative
Speaker 1: feelings towards their X than they had towards opposite sex
Speaker 1: friends they'd never dated. So the research suggests you can
Speaker 1: be friends with your ex, but it can be complicated.
Speaker 1: I want to thank you for listening to today's episode.
Speaker 1: I hope it gave you a ton of great insights
Speaker 1: when you're talking about this topic to your friends. It's
Speaker 1: such a big theme, and of course I'd love for
Speaker 1: you to get my new book, Eight Rules of Love
Speaker 1: from eight Rules of Love dot com. Thank you so much.