1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:03,600 Speaker 1: Oxytocin can be the hormone of bad judgment. As you 2 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:07,520 Speaker 1: keep thinking it's going to be okay. Because the hormone 3 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:11,080 Speaker 1: makes you feel safe and secure, you don't see the 4 00:00:11,119 --> 00:00:15,640 Speaker 1: red flags the person is sending saying I'm not trustworthy. 5 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:18,040 Speaker 1: So I want you to be really careful at the 6 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,919 Speaker 1: beginning of a relationship about how you feel about something 7 00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:24,880 Speaker 1: how quickly you have sex, not from a position of like, 8 00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:27,960 Speaker 1: I'm not saying like, hold it back, wait till this day, like, 9 00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:30,080 Speaker 1: That's not the kind of advice I'm giving you. What 10 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:32,400 Speaker 1: I'm trying to say to you is if you have sex, 11 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:35,000 Speaker 1: you're likely to have more positive feelings about this person 12 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:37,240 Speaker 1: and forget the bad things about them during that time, 13 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:40,599 Speaker 1: and so you don't want to be making decisions around 14 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:50,880 Speaker 1: that time. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the 15 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:53,680 Speaker 1: number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each 16 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,880 Speaker 1: and every one of you that come back every week 17 00:00:56,200 --> 00:01:00,000 Speaker 1: to listen, learn and grow. And I am so excited 18 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:02,639 Speaker 1: to be talking to you today. I can't believe it. 19 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:06,199 Speaker 1: My new book, Eight Rules of Love is out and 20 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:09,399 Speaker 1: thank you, thank you, thank you so much for all 21 00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:12,520 Speaker 1: the support for Eight Rules of Love. It has been 22 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:17,680 Speaker 1: an incredible launch week. I am so deeply grateful for 23 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:21,600 Speaker 1: the amount of just love and kindness. I see all 24 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:23,960 Speaker 1: of you tagging the book in your stories, and last 25 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:27,919 Speaker 1: week I gave you the first introduction of the audiobook, 26 00:01:27,959 --> 00:01:30,160 Speaker 1: absolutely free. If you haven't listened to it, go back 27 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:33,600 Speaker 1: and do and then download the audiobook from eight Rules 28 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,759 Speaker 1: of Love dot com, Amazon, Audible, wherever you get your books. 29 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:40,840 Speaker 1: It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep, or 30 00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:43,200 Speaker 1: let go of love. So if you've got friends that 31 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:46,680 Speaker 1: are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure 32 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:49,200 Speaker 1: you grab this book. And I'd love to invite you 33 00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:52,880 Speaker 1: to come and see me for my global tour Love Rules. 34 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:56,640 Speaker 1: Go to Jay shehtytour dot com to learn more information 35 00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:00,960 Speaker 1: about tickets, VIP experiences and more. I can't wait to 36 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:04,520 Speaker 1: see you this year. Now. If you're someone who's dating 37 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:07,080 Speaker 1: right now, this episode is for you. If you have 38 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:10,639 Speaker 1: a friend who's dating, this episode is for you. If 39 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:14,240 Speaker 1: you have a friend who's in a relationship and they're 40 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:17,520 Speaker 1: reflecting about it, introspecting about whether they're in the right 41 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:20,560 Speaker 1: relationship with the right person, if things are going in 42 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:24,079 Speaker 1: the right direction, this episode is for you, or if 43 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:26,960 Speaker 1: you're in that position. Of course, this episode is for 44 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:29,480 Speaker 1: you now. The reason why I put this episode together 45 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:33,760 Speaker 1: is because I have had so many conversations with so 46 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:38,840 Speaker 1: many people in my life recently where they've avoided red flags, 47 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:44,919 Speaker 1: They've experienced gas lighting, they've experienced love bombing, but they 48 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:48,680 Speaker 1: didn't realize it until afterwards. And at the same time, 49 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:50,640 Speaker 1: I have a lot of friends and family and people 50 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:54,400 Speaker 1: in my life who I think have spotted a red 51 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,720 Speaker 1: flag and immediately thought that's it, it's over. This has 52 00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:02,480 Speaker 1: to end here, rather than learn the skill and the 53 00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:06,240 Speaker 1: art of figuring out is this a really extreme red 54 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:09,520 Speaker 1: flag or is it more of like a pink salmon color? Right? Like, 55 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:13,000 Speaker 1: is this really an issue? Or are we making an 56 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:16,760 Speaker 1: issue out of it? Because we're scared, we're insecure, we're worried. 57 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:19,320 Speaker 1: Often we can give up a great thing or a 58 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:22,760 Speaker 1: good thing because we're not in the right mindset right. 59 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:26,760 Speaker 1: Often we think someone's wrong for us because we're not 60 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:29,680 Speaker 1: in the right space. How many times have you ever 61 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:32,799 Speaker 1: experienced that? And I don't want you to miss out 62 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:35,400 Speaker 1: on the right person. And I also don't want you 63 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:38,000 Speaker 1: to stay with the wrong person, right. I don't want 64 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:41,440 Speaker 1: you to do either one of those, because it leads 65 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:42,880 Speaker 1: to a lot of pain, It leads to a lot 66 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:47,480 Speaker 1: of heartbreak, and everyone goes through heartbreak. Everyone goes through 67 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:52,920 Speaker 1: the feeling of rejection. It's something that I think most 68 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:57,000 Speaker 1: people have experienced, but we know it's not a happy feeling. 69 00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:00,800 Speaker 1: It's not an easy feeling. So research shows that the 70 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:04,000 Speaker 1: areas that are activated in the brain when we're in 71 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:09,560 Speaker 1: love are the same as those involved in cocaine addiction. Fascinating, right, 72 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:13,720 Speaker 1: So the way your brain experiences a breakup is kind 73 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:18,760 Speaker 1: of like the misery of detox. Just as addicts crave 74 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:23,480 Speaker 1: a fix, we can literally crave the other person. This 75 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:27,919 Speaker 1: happens in part because our brains flood with chemical messengers 76 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:31,880 Speaker 1: that are part of our reward and motivation circuitry. Our 77 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:35,400 Speaker 1: brain sends urgent signals that we should hurry up and 78 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:39,640 Speaker 1: retrieve what's missing. That's why you want to text your X. 79 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,719 Speaker 1: That's why you want to see them again, That's why 80 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,760 Speaker 1: you're obsessed with following them on social media and seeing 81 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:48,760 Speaker 1: what they're up to, because we're literally detoxing from an addiction. 82 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:53,080 Speaker 1: In one study of breakups, participants reported thinking about their 83 00:04:53,279 --> 00:04:56,720 Speaker 1: X is roughly eighty five percent of the time they 84 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:59,800 Speaker 1: were awake, eighty five percent of the time that they 85 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:03,040 Speaker 1: were awake. That's huge. Now, I know we've all been there, right, 86 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:05,400 Speaker 1: So let's be let's be honest, we've all been there. 87 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,760 Speaker 1: The flood of hormones isn't the brain's only response to 88 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,719 Speaker 1: a breakup. Areas of the brain that are active in 89 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:16,400 Speaker 1: heartbreak are the same as those ones that process physical pain, 90 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:20,560 Speaker 1: But as the researcher Helen Fisher says, the differences. While 91 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:24,480 Speaker 1: pain from a stubbed toe or a toothache fades, emotions 92 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:27,839 Speaker 1: can intensify the sensation of a breakup. We don't get 93 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:30,880 Speaker 1: angry with our tooth or feel rejected by the couch 94 00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,880 Speaker 1: we bumped into, says Helen Fisher, But with our exes, 95 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:38,560 Speaker 1: we harbor hurt feelings dash dreams, which can exacerbate and 96 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:42,600 Speaker 1: extend the pain. In this stay, our brains can desperately 97 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:47,360 Speaker 1: seek oxytocin, the bonding hormone, because it decreases feelings of 98 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:50,880 Speaker 1: fear and anxiety, and we're likely to seek this chemical 99 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:54,520 Speaker 1: experience from our ex and this can prompt some pretty 100 00:05:54,560 --> 00:06:00,000 Speaker 1: irrational things, right, lack of emotional control, irregular eating, right, 101 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:04,640 Speaker 1: or emailing, pleading, sobbing for hours, drinking too much. We've 102 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:08,520 Speaker 1: all been there. So this episode is to help avoid 103 00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:11,240 Speaker 1: that at all costs if you can, not by staying 104 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:14,279 Speaker 1: with someone who's wrong for you, but by either calling 105 00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:17,800 Speaker 1: it quits earlier, or by working through things that are 106 00:06:17,839 --> 00:06:22,000 Speaker 1: actually not that redder flag. So I hope this episode 107 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:25,200 Speaker 1: helps you, guides you, gives you some insights to think about. 108 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,200 Speaker 1: That's all I'm ever trying to do. I'm never telling 109 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,280 Speaker 1: you whether you should break up or shouldn't break up 110 00:06:29,279 --> 00:06:31,800 Speaker 1: with someone. My goal is to give you enough insight 111 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:36,320 Speaker 1: and information to make healthier decisions yourself through the use 112 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:39,800 Speaker 1: of wisdom and science. So thank you for being here again. 113 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,080 Speaker 1: If you haven't already, I hope you're going to order 114 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,960 Speaker 1: my new book, Eight Rules of Love. This book is 115 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,839 Speaker 1: going to help guide you into how to find love, 116 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,680 Speaker 1: keep love, and let it go in a healthy way. 117 00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:52,240 Speaker 1: And I can't wait for you to have that book. 118 00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:53,920 Speaker 1: If you don't already have it, I hope you're enjoying it. 119 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:57,360 Speaker 1: If you do, I really really hope that it's helping you. Now, 120 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,280 Speaker 1: how can we avoid this feeling? If we can, and 121 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:06,800 Speaker 1: when we can? This statistic really blew my mind. Seven 122 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:11,239 Speaker 1: point two out of ten. Gen Z would rather date 123 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:17,080 Speaker 1: a love bomber than someone who is emotionally unavailable or noncommittal. Now. 124 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:21,720 Speaker 1: A love bomber, by definition, is someone who displays feelings 125 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:26,480 Speaker 1: of affection early and in a heightened way, but doesn't 126 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:28,960 Speaker 1: necessarily back them up over the long term. They're not 127 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,080 Speaker 1: going to live up to their promises. It can be 128 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:35,000 Speaker 1: a really painful thing to go through, which often leaves 129 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,480 Speaker 1: you feeling like you're the most loved person in the world, 130 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:40,320 Speaker 1: to then feeling like you're the least loved person in 131 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:44,800 Speaker 1: the world. The Healthline describes it as it happens when 132 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:49,560 Speaker 1: someone overwhelms you with loving words, actions, and behavior. As 133 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:52,800 Speaker 1: a manipulation technique. It's often used to win over your 134 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:55,560 Speaker 1: trust and affection so that they can meet a goal 135 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:59,280 Speaker 1: of theirs, says Sharon Paker, m A, a license marriage 136 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:03,679 Speaker 1: and family therapist. So I saw this brilliant love bombing 137 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:07,280 Speaker 1: survey from Shanko, where some of today's research is from, 138 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:09,280 Speaker 1: and so if you don't follow them or haven't checked 139 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,080 Speaker 1: it out, definitely go take a look at it. The 140 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:14,240 Speaker 1: study says that seventy percent of people have had a 141 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:18,680 Speaker 1: partner say I love you within the first month of 142 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:20,400 Speaker 1: seeing each other. How many times have you done this? 143 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:23,320 Speaker 1: How many times does it happen to you that seventy 144 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,280 Speaker 1: percent of people have had a partner say I love 145 00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:28,440 Speaker 1: you within the first month of seeing each other. Now, 146 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,520 Speaker 1: I promise you right now, there is no way that 147 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,480 Speaker 1: in the first month of seeing each other someone can 148 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:37,880 Speaker 1: truly love you completely, fully holy. Yes they can like you, 149 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:39,880 Speaker 1: Yes they can be into you, Yes they can be 150 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,360 Speaker 1: attracted to you, Yes they can want to love you, 151 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,880 Speaker 1: but someone loving you. And the problem is we love 152 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:48,600 Speaker 1: hearing those three words. We want to hear them so badly, 153 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:51,360 Speaker 1: and we want to feel them. Only thirty one percent 154 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:55,120 Speaker 1: of dating app users would break up with someone who 155 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:58,160 Speaker 1: said I love you in the first month, which shows 156 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,959 Speaker 1: we like it, which proves we want it and like it. 157 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:05,480 Speaker 1: Sixty percent of dating app users feel pressured to say 158 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:09,439 Speaker 1: I love you too early in a relationship. The first 159 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:12,400 Speaker 1: red flag in a relationship is if someone says I 160 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:16,880 Speaker 1: love you too soon. We have to be very careful. 161 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,280 Speaker 1: We have to slow it down, we have to be 162 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:22,880 Speaker 1: thoughtful about I had this great conversation the other day, 163 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:25,800 Speaker 1: what does it mean when someone loves us. We have 164 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:28,480 Speaker 1: to define that for ourselves. But when I think about 165 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:29,920 Speaker 1: the kind of love we want and the love that 166 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,400 Speaker 1: I hear people want, it means a love where we're 167 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:34,960 Speaker 1: accepted for who we are, truly who we are, and 168 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,600 Speaker 1: we can be ourselves. We all want a space where 169 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:42,839 Speaker 1: we get accepted for our authentic, aligned selves, and that 170 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:46,880 Speaker 1: means someone has had to see you stressed, see you fatigued, 171 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,680 Speaker 1: see you exhausted, see you irritated, and you will have 172 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,000 Speaker 1: had to see them in those scenarios as well, because 173 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:57,400 Speaker 1: we know that our character is really shown when we're tested, 174 00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:02,120 Speaker 1: and we know that long term love is based on character, right. 175 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:06,160 Speaker 1: Liking is based on chemistry. Loving is based on character. 176 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:09,679 Speaker 1: So the only way you can love someone is if 177 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:14,600 Speaker 1: you've experienced different elements of their character and you've found 178 00:10:14,679 --> 00:10:17,840 Speaker 1: a way to make peace with that. I'm not saying 179 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,840 Speaker 1: you're going to love someone when they're stressed, fully in 180 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,160 Speaker 1: the sense of you're not going to be like, Wow, 181 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,440 Speaker 1: they deal with stress so well. But the point is 182 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,360 Speaker 1: do you both deal with stress well together? Have you 183 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:27,679 Speaker 1: seen them in that and are you able to figure 184 00:10:27,679 --> 00:10:30,120 Speaker 1: it out? Are you supportive of each other or are 185 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:33,240 Speaker 1: you just trying to avoid that scenario, and the only 186 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:36,160 Speaker 1: experiences you've had with each other are on a date 187 00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:39,400 Speaker 1: night when you're practically in an interview. Now, studies shows 188 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,040 Speaker 1: that men are quicker to say I love you than women, 189 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:45,520 Speaker 1: taking an average of eighty eight days. Women take an 190 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:49,440 Speaker 1: average of one hundred and thirty four days. Right, so 191 00:10:49,559 --> 00:10:51,719 Speaker 1: men are saying it quicker, which is why I hear 192 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:53,920 Speaker 1: a lot from women that they've in loved bomb or 193 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:57,080 Speaker 1: had this experience. Now, how do you deal with this? 194 00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:59,640 Speaker 1: If someone says I love you too soon? How do 195 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:01,520 Speaker 1: you deal with it? Because they might be great, it 196 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,720 Speaker 1: might actually be going in the right direction. I'm not saying, oh, 197 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:05,080 Speaker 1: when someone says that to you, you you break up with 198 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:07,040 Speaker 1: them and go, all right, well your love bombing me, 199 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,559 Speaker 1: it's over. This is not what I need. Like Jay 200 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:11,480 Speaker 1: told me that, you know, that's not what I'm saying. 201 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,480 Speaker 1: I think, first of all, we should never feel pressured 202 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:16,600 Speaker 1: to say I love you back. Sixty percent of dating 203 00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:19,680 Speaker 1: app users feel pressured to say I love you too early. 204 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:22,760 Speaker 1: You should never be saying those words too early. There's 205 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,120 Speaker 1: there's no need for that. I think when someone says 206 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:27,880 Speaker 1: it to you, you can genuinely ask them what do 207 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:30,319 Speaker 1: you mean like no, no, no, I don't believe you, 208 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,800 Speaker 1: or this is awkward, more like, well, what do you 209 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,200 Speaker 1: mean by that? Like what do you love about me? 210 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:39,240 Speaker 1: And you may think that that's quite forward, but actually 211 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,800 Speaker 1: you give yourself an opportunity to listen to that person, 212 00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:44,680 Speaker 1: and that person also gets a sign that goes, okay, well, 213 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:48,720 Speaker 1: this person's smart, this person switched on. I remember actually 214 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:52,800 Speaker 1: saying that to an ex girlfriend early on and that 215 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:56,200 Speaker 1: being her response, and it actually made me reflect, only 216 00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:58,360 Speaker 1: for me to realize that I didn't have as strong 217 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,800 Speaker 1: feelings for her as I thought. And I think that 218 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:03,640 Speaker 1: that can be probably one of the best things that 219 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,160 Speaker 1: someone can ask you is what do you mean by that? 220 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:08,200 Speaker 1: Like what do you love about me? I'd love to know? 221 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,440 Speaker 1: And you're asking it not in a confrontation or intimidating way. 222 00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:14,880 Speaker 1: You're asking in a genuine way. And so I want 223 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:18,000 Speaker 1: you to be aware of this one because the challenge 224 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:21,000 Speaker 1: is when someone says I love you, they're signing up 225 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:24,520 Speaker 1: to live up to their definition, and when you say 226 00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:26,680 Speaker 1: I love you, you're signing up to live up to 227 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:31,160 Speaker 1: your definition. And so if you both have your own definitions, 228 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:34,480 Speaker 1: but you think that person signing up to yours, and 229 00:12:34,559 --> 00:12:36,960 Speaker 1: you think you're signing up to theirs, right, Like, actually 230 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,280 Speaker 1: you think you're signing up to yours. So if you're 231 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:42,079 Speaker 1: not ready to commit to their definition, or if you 232 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,640 Speaker 1: don't even know what it is, chances are that's going 233 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:46,280 Speaker 1: to be a challenge. So that's something to look out for. 234 00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:49,680 Speaker 1: Number two is the pressure to have sex. Fifty two 235 00:12:49,679 --> 00:12:53,480 Speaker 1: percent of women who are app users felt pressure to 236 00:12:53,559 --> 00:12:57,640 Speaker 1: have sex by someone who loved bombed them. Right. This 237 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:00,840 Speaker 1: is really really challenging to see to think that over 238 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:04,400 Speaker 1: fifty percent of people are pressured, and I don't have 239 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:06,600 Speaker 1: the stats on how many of those people actually go 240 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:11,199 Speaker 1: through with it, but it's really interesting how sex can 241 00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:15,080 Speaker 1: distort our perception of love. So the research shows that 242 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:18,760 Speaker 1: sex can distract us from making good choices about who 243 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:22,000 Speaker 1: to be with and whether to stay with them. So 244 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,920 Speaker 1: if you're being pressured into sex too early on in 245 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:28,440 Speaker 1: a relationship or ever in a relationship, it can actually 246 00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:31,080 Speaker 1: distort how you feel about that person and about love. 247 00:13:31,559 --> 00:13:35,280 Speaker 1: And one of the biggest causes of that distraction is 248 00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:40,480 Speaker 1: the hormone oxytocin. Now, according to neuroscientists and psychiatrist Daniel Aman, 249 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:44,520 Speaker 1: Oxytocin is related to feelings of being in love, and 250 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:48,800 Speaker 1: the release of oxytocin can support and even accelerate bonding 251 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:52,120 Speaker 1: and trust. So generally men have lower levels of oxytocin 252 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:56,400 Speaker 1: than women, but sex causes men's oxytocin levels to spike 253 00:13:56,679 --> 00:14:01,120 Speaker 1: more than five hundred percent. New York Universe City neuroscientist 254 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:05,760 Speaker 1: Robert Frumka says that oxytocin acts like a volume dial, 255 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:10,400 Speaker 1: turning up an amplifying brain activity related to whatever someone 256 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:14,600 Speaker 1: is already experiencing. During and after sex, we feel more 257 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:18,680 Speaker 1: in love, but it's not actually love. We feel closer 258 00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:23,800 Speaker 1: chemically even though we're not closer emotionally. Additionally, the hormone 259 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:28,320 Speaker 1: actually has a temporary blocking effect on negative memories. So 260 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:31,240 Speaker 1: all those little things that were bothering you, or that 261 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:34,040 Speaker 1: argument you had beforehand, or the worry you had that 262 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:36,400 Speaker 1: they weren't right for you, which might have been a 263 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:39,880 Speaker 1: major warning sign, could fade after sex. So if someone 264 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,480 Speaker 1: pressures you into having sex and you go through with it, 265 00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:45,240 Speaker 1: chances are you'll forget that you were pressured into it. 266 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:49,200 Speaker 1: Chances are you'll forget that you were unsure about them beforehand. 267 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:53,320 Speaker 1: So when I interviewed husband and wife relationship experts John 268 00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:56,400 Speaker 1: and Julie Gottman on My podcast, and doctor Daniel Lam 269 00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:58,720 Speaker 1: has also been on the podcast. But John said that 270 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:02,800 Speaker 1: oxytocin can be the hormone of bad judgment. He says, 271 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:06,240 Speaker 1: you keep thinking it's going to be okay because the 272 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:10,240 Speaker 1: hormone makes you feel safe and secure. You don't see 273 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:14,760 Speaker 1: the red flags the person is sending saying I'm not trustworthy. 274 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,640 Speaker 1: So I want you to be really careful at the 275 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:21,480 Speaker 1: beginning of a relationship about how you feel about something 276 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:24,480 Speaker 1: how quickly you have sex, not from a position of like, 277 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:27,560 Speaker 1: I'm not saying like, hold it back, wait till this day, Like, 278 00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:29,680 Speaker 1: That's not the kind of advice I'm giving you. What 279 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,000 Speaker 1: I'm trying to say to you is, if you have sex, 280 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,600 Speaker 1: you're likely to have more positive feelings about this person 281 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,880 Speaker 1: and forget the bad things about them during that time, 282 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:40,200 Speaker 1: And so you don't want to be making decisions around 283 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,680 Speaker 1: that time. Right, That's not the time you want to 284 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:46,280 Speaker 1: be making those choices and making those decisions. So I 285 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:49,880 Speaker 1: really want you to be reflective and thoughtful about that. Please, please, 286 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:54,120 Speaker 1: please think about that for sure, all right. Number three 287 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:59,400 Speaker 1: is someone is talking about moving in, marriage and kids. 288 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:03,720 Speaker 1: Now again this feels like an exciting thing. Oh my gosh, 289 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,760 Speaker 1: don't want to move in with me? And I'm talking 290 00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:08,840 Speaker 1: about they talk about this too early marriage kids love 291 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:12,640 Speaker 1: bombing Again from the Shanko study, twenty five percent women 292 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:16,400 Speaker 1: need to seek therapy after they've been love bombed, right, 293 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:19,880 Speaker 1: because it really makes you believe you're really special when 294 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:21,880 Speaker 1: someone's like and I had a friend who literally just 295 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:24,200 Speaker 1: went through this, Oh, let's move in. I can't wait. 296 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:25,880 Speaker 1: Of kids, Oh my god, they'll be so cute. You're 297 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:29,120 Speaker 1: having all these conversations so early on, and you don't 298 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:30,360 Speaker 1: even know what country you want to live in, you 299 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:31,960 Speaker 1: don't even know what you're doing with your own life, 300 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,520 Speaker 1: you don't even know this person's family, and you're having 301 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:37,480 Speaker 1: all these conversations. So I think this is a big one. 302 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:42,520 Speaker 1: And this actually happens more during times of personal stress 303 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:46,480 Speaker 1: and personal weakness. So listen to this. I've got a 304 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:48,640 Speaker 1: couple of stories I want to share with you. Fresh 305 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:52,320 Speaker 1: out of college, Caitlin Riley decided she was ready to 306 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:55,240 Speaker 1: find love. So to meet someone, she joined a co 307 00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:58,880 Speaker 1: ed soccer team. Unfortunately, Caitlin says she didn't get a 308 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:02,720 Speaker 1: lot of passes, tatious or otherwise. Finally, during one game, 309 00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:05,720 Speaker 1: a ball came her way. Seeing her opportunity to score 310 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:09,040 Speaker 1: a goal, Caitlin went for it. Unfortunately, the ball ricocheted 311 00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:12,320 Speaker 1: and smacked her in the face. Her eye read and swollen. 312 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:15,520 Speaker 1: Caitlyn went to ear and saw the on call doctor, 313 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,840 Speaker 1: who told her she'd have to come in for daily 314 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:21,080 Speaker 1: exams for a while to make sure the healing went well. 315 00:17:21,119 --> 00:17:24,639 Speaker 1: On that first meeting, something else happened. Caitlyn sensed a 316 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:27,760 Speaker 1: little chemistry. Was it possible the young doctor was flirting 317 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:31,080 Speaker 1: with her? Over several more visits and after a little 318 00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:33,880 Speaker 1: online research, Caitlyn decided the doctor could be the man 319 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,720 Speaker 1: of her dreams and he was definitely into her right. 320 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,720 Speaker 1: A few weeks later, at her last appointment, she decided 321 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,200 Speaker 1: to ask her doctor out. Yeah, when the time came, 322 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:46,600 Speaker 1: she got nervous, she fainted. Caitlin ended up being wheeled 323 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,520 Speaker 1: to the ear and was so embarrassed she never asked 324 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:51,680 Speaker 1: him out. But as she says, when it comes to love, 325 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,399 Speaker 1: she's keeping her good eye open right now. The reason 326 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:59,120 Speaker 1: I'm telling you that story is because in times of stress, 327 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:02,320 Speaker 1: we get attracted to people, especially who are taking care 328 00:18:02,359 --> 00:18:05,280 Speaker 1: of us, who are supporting us, who are looking out 329 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:08,440 Speaker 1: for us, and whether there was romantic chemistry or not, 330 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,840 Speaker 1: there were more open to this idea of being love bombed. 331 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,720 Speaker 1: Obviously that's a specific and extreme scenario, but you want 332 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,320 Speaker 1: to think about when you're stressed, how you view the 333 00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:20,000 Speaker 1: person you're attracted to. Another story I wanted to tell 334 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:23,600 Speaker 1: you about. Tasha and Andrew met at a healing workshop. 335 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:27,520 Speaker 1: Tasha had crossed several states, and Andrew had flown in 336 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,800 Speaker 1: from another country. During the intensive the two paired up 337 00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:34,200 Speaker 1: several times, and by the end they confessed their attraction 338 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:36,520 Speaker 1: to one another. They made a plan to meet up 339 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:39,679 Speaker 1: again in a city roughly halfway between where they lived. 340 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:43,000 Speaker 1: They spent a magical long weekend together, and from there 341 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:47,040 Speaker 1: they embarked on a passionate romance. Before long, Tasha moved 342 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:49,760 Speaker 1: to Andrew's home country to be with him, and she 343 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:53,959 Speaker 1: became pregnant. Not long after that, they were married. Unfortunately, 344 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:57,680 Speaker 1: soon after their baby was born, the problems began. Tasha 345 00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:00,880 Speaker 1: began to suffer depression and feeling alone in her new 346 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:04,600 Speaker 1: country and questioning her relationship with Andrew. She and their 347 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:08,160 Speaker 1: child moved home unsure of whether Andrew would be joining them. 348 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:12,280 Speaker 1: Eventually he did and they started couples counseling. Both of 349 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:14,600 Speaker 1: those stories are an example of what can happen when 350 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:19,560 Speaker 1: we meet during times of high emotional stress. In psychological terms, 351 00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:24,720 Speaker 1: transference is when a client or patient projects their emotions 352 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:28,399 Speaker 1: and inner conflicts, sometimes related to a specific person in 353 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:32,400 Speaker 1: their life, such as a parent or partner, onto a practitioner. 354 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,960 Speaker 1: But we can experience projections of this kind in any 355 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:39,200 Speaker 1: type of relationship. Right, Transference and similar types of projection 356 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:43,359 Speaker 1: can also temporarily blind us to signs that the other 357 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:46,640 Speaker 1: person isn't perhaps right for us, that the relationship could 358 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,880 Speaker 1: be inappropriate, or that they will simply not be interested 359 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:54,120 Speaker 1: in us in that way. So this is why in 360 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:57,080 Speaker 1: my book I talk so deeply about solitude and the 361 00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,399 Speaker 1: power of being in a good place, not in the 362 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,639 Speaker 1: perfect place, but being in a good place when you 363 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:04,200 Speaker 1: get into a relationship, because now you're able to spot 364 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,560 Speaker 1: these signs earlier. Right. Again, this doesn't mean you have 365 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:09,520 Speaker 1: to break up with someone if they display this sign 366 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:13,680 Speaker 1: or something like that, but so often we're actually turning 367 00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:18,400 Speaker 1: to someone out of weakness rather than a position of strength. Now, 368 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:21,719 Speaker 1: the next one is Gaslighting number four, And for this one, 369 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:23,600 Speaker 1: I want you to go listen to my episode with 370 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:27,280 Speaker 1: doctor Ramany on the show. So I'm referencing three great 371 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,000 Speaker 1: podcasts to go listen to after this one. Doctor Daniel 372 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,960 Speaker 1: Aymon's been on the podcast maybe three or four times now. 373 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,200 Speaker 1: All of them are great interviews. Then we've had John 374 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,320 Speaker 1: and Julie Gottman who have been on the podcast once, 375 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,560 Speaker 1: and doctor Romany who has been in the podcast. One 376 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:44,560 Speaker 1: we did a masterclass on gaslighting, narcissism, and love bombing together. 377 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:46,959 Speaker 1: Makes you go listen to that episode. I think a 378 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,760 Speaker 1: lot of people are experiencing gaslighting more and more now, 379 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:54,320 Speaker 1: and it comes from the other person's insecurity. It comes 380 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:57,960 Speaker 1: from the other person's challenges, but end up leaving us 381 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:02,320 Speaker 1: with insecurities and challenges. So the definition that's given by 382 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:06,240 Speaker 1: Medical News today is that in relationships, an abusive person 383 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:10,719 Speaker 1: may use gaslighting to isolate their partner, undermine their confidence, 384 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:14,280 Speaker 1: and make them easier to control. For example, they might 385 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:18,080 Speaker 1: tell someone they are irrational until the person starts to 386 00:21:18,119 --> 00:21:22,440 Speaker 1: think it must be true, right, so they make you 387 00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:27,040 Speaker 1: feel you have a particular weakness in order for them 388 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:30,679 Speaker 1: to be more in control of that relationship makes you 389 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:36,240 Speaker 1: go listen to the Doctor ramany episode all right. Number five, 390 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:40,440 Speaker 1: someone who encourages you to give up your purpose, passion, 391 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:44,360 Speaker 1: or your dreams. This one's huge because often you find 392 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:46,840 Speaker 1: someone who's like, ah, don't worry about that, it's not 393 00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,679 Speaker 1: a big deal. Like, oh, that's okay. Maybe you're just 394 00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:52,000 Speaker 1: too ambitious, right, there's a bit of gaslighting there too. 395 00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:54,760 Speaker 1: You're too ambitious. There's no need for that, you know, 396 00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:57,600 Speaker 1: it's just not really you know, do you really want that? Like? 397 00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,600 Speaker 1: You know, it's that questioning, that doubting that comes in. 398 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,679 Speaker 1: And I think it's so important for us to be 399 00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,919 Speaker 1: there as a support for our partners. So if you 400 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:10,879 Speaker 1: find someone that supports your dreams versus gets insecure about 401 00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:13,200 Speaker 1: your dreams, that's the kind of person that you want 402 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:14,560 Speaker 1: in your life. Again, I'm not telling you to break 403 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,880 Speaker 1: up with this person, but it's to have this conversation 404 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,400 Speaker 1: and say, hey, like, I've chased this because I really 405 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:22,359 Speaker 1: believe in it. I really want this myself. Often a 406 00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:25,040 Speaker 1: partner can help you realize what you truly want something. 407 00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:28,200 Speaker 1: So sometimes this questioning is very helpful. If someone's saying 408 00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:29,480 Speaker 1: to you, like, do you really want to know, does 409 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:33,359 Speaker 1: your parent want that? That's a great question that's helping 410 00:22:33,359 --> 00:22:35,560 Speaker 1: you reflect. And so the question you have to ask 411 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:39,520 Speaker 1: yourself is this person telling me what to think? Or 412 00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:42,760 Speaker 1: are they telling me how to think? Right? If someone's 413 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:46,080 Speaker 1: helping you learn how to think, that's different from them 414 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:48,679 Speaker 1: telling you what to think. And that's the kind of 415 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,359 Speaker 1: person that you want to help build in your life 416 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:54,760 Speaker 1: and hopefully help reflect with them. In a twenty nineteen 417 00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:58,399 Speaker 1: piece for The Atlantic, Senior editor Julie Beck investigated what 418 00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:01,840 Speaker 1: it means to be ready a relationship. What she found 419 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:05,080 Speaker 1: is that the meaning of the phrase varies widely and 420 00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:08,480 Speaker 1: is tough to pin down. However, results from Google's index 421 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:12,080 Speaker 1: of search strings on printed materials shows that the term 422 00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:15,200 Speaker 1: first showed up in the nineteen fifties, but not until 423 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:19,400 Speaker 1: the nineteen eighties did it rise to popularity. Today, it's everywhere. 424 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:23,359 Speaker 1: Stephanie Koontz, a professor of history and family studies, told 425 00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:26,520 Speaker 1: back the timing of the word is just about perfectly 426 00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:30,360 Speaker 1: aligned with a sea change in people's conceptions of marriage. 427 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:34,320 Speaker 1: It used to be that you got married in order 428 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,879 Speaker 1: to grow up, settle down, start saving up for a 429 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:42,240 Speaker 1: future home, move away from your teenage preoccupation with yourself 430 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:45,960 Speaker 1: and learn how to handle a relationship. Whereas many saw 431 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:49,800 Speaker 1: marriage as a cornerstone for building a happy and successful life, 432 00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:54,159 Speaker 1: now it's viewed more as a capstone. Younger people are 433 00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:57,200 Speaker 1: more apt to want to embark on a relationship when 434 00:23:57,240 --> 00:24:00,399 Speaker 1: we feel we've checked off some of our individ vigual 435 00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,919 Speaker 1: adulting goals. So it's almost like we got into a 436 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:06,040 Speaker 1: relationship in the past to become adults. Now it's almost 437 00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:07,960 Speaker 1: like I want to date an adult, right, how many 438 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:09,119 Speaker 1: times have you ever said that, Like, I don't want 439 00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:10,240 Speaker 1: to date a child. I don't want to be with 440 00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:11,600 Speaker 1: a child. They don't want to be with a kid. 441 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:13,879 Speaker 1: I don't have to take care of someone as their parent. 442 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:16,840 Speaker 1: But that's how relationship started in the past and they evolve. 443 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:20,080 Speaker 1: Now we're expecting people to have done some self work 444 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:23,840 Speaker 1: before we get to that. So in this situation, what 445 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:28,000 Speaker 1: a relationship requires is a little bit of compassion and empathy. 446 00:24:28,359 --> 00:24:31,160 Speaker 1: So if someone doesn't have the ability to be compassion 447 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:33,840 Speaker 1: and empathetic and you don't towards them, it becomes really 448 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:37,720 Speaker 1: challenging because you're expecting them to already be a complete 449 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:41,560 Speaker 1: person before they're even ready for it before they've even 450 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:44,640 Speaker 1: gone through what's needed. And this is that catch twenty two, 451 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:47,960 Speaker 1: because you want someone who's working on themselves is a 452 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:51,800 Speaker 1: work in progress, but isn't a masterpiece, right, Like, that's 453 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:54,240 Speaker 1: the idea that you're looking for someone who's on the 454 00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:58,080 Speaker 1: path not perfect. If you're looking for perfection, it's going 455 00:24:58,119 --> 00:25:00,480 Speaker 1: to be impossible, And if that person's looking for affection, 456 00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,520 Speaker 1: it's impossible. But you're looking for someone who's on the 457 00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:07,760 Speaker 1: path of self work and growth. That's a healthier thing 458 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:11,120 Speaker 1: to look for. Now. The next one is people who 459 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:14,159 Speaker 1: talk about their exes now. According to a survey of 460 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:18,600 Speaker 1: a thousand people by Your Tango, seventy one percent said 461 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:23,160 Speaker 1: they still think about their X too much. Of single respondence, 462 00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:26,480 Speaker 1: the number was eighty one percent, and more than half 463 00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:29,639 Speaker 1: of single respondents said they think about their X so 464 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:32,680 Speaker 1: much it's keeping them from moving on. And it seems 465 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:37,000 Speaker 1: marriage doesn't solve X obsession either, says this study. Sixty 466 00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:39,399 Speaker 1: percent of married folks said they think about an X 467 00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:42,960 Speaker 1: too often, and thirty seven percent said it actually causes 468 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:46,520 Speaker 1: problems in their marriage. So you do want to be mindful. 469 00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:47,920 Speaker 1: I think we live in a time right now. It's 470 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:50,439 Speaker 1: like Oh, everyone has exes. It's normal, of course it is. 471 00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:52,880 Speaker 1: But if someone's still talking about their ex a lot 472 00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:56,160 Speaker 1: comparing you to their X, fixated on how things were 473 00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:58,399 Speaker 1: with their ex, even if they keep bringing it up 474 00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:00,720 Speaker 1: in conversation and being like I didn't work out with 475 00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,520 Speaker 1: my ex because of this, or oh, I'm still friends 476 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,600 Speaker 1: with my ex. Right. We want to be cool about 477 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:09,320 Speaker 1: these things, but it can cause challenges. And this is 478 00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:13,560 Speaker 1: the part that really blew my mind that seventy percent 479 00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:16,159 Speaker 1: of guys and seventy six percent of girls say they 480 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:19,199 Speaker 1: have searched for an X online. So a lot of 481 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:22,840 Speaker 1: us are still addicted to our exes, the ones that 482 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:26,840 Speaker 1: got away. Eighty six percent of survey respondents said they 483 00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:30,560 Speaker 1: still look at photos of their ex. And so for 484 00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:32,439 Speaker 1: those of us that want to be all cool and 485 00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:35,959 Speaker 1: act like nonchalant about our partner being friends with their X, 486 00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:38,600 Speaker 1: it is definitely something that if you're worried about it, 487 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:41,280 Speaker 1: if you're anxious about it, it could be a big deal. 488 00:26:41,359 --> 00:26:43,360 Speaker 1: And I don't just want you to pass it off 489 00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:47,960 Speaker 1: because you think you're more cool or more easy if 490 00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:51,240 Speaker 1: you don't make a thing out of it. Matches. Singles 491 00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:54,119 Speaker 1: of America's survey found that half of men and forty 492 00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:58,439 Speaker 1: two percent of women said they'd stay friends with an X. However, 493 00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:02,040 Speaker 1: study by researchers from the University of Connecticut found that 494 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:04,679 Speaker 1: when people were friends with their X, they tended to 495 00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:08,280 Speaker 1: not only have more romantic desires, but also more negative 496 00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:12,359 Speaker 1: feelings towards their X than they had towards opposite sex 497 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:17,160 Speaker 1: friends they'd never dated. So the research suggests you can 498 00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:20,120 Speaker 1: be friends with your ex, but it can be complicated. 499 00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:23,159 Speaker 1: I want to thank you for listening to today's episode. 500 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:25,560 Speaker 1: I hope it gave you a ton of great insights 501 00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:28,160 Speaker 1: when you're talking about this topic to your friends. It's 502 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,199 Speaker 1: such a big theme, and of course I'd love for 503 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:32,560 Speaker 1: you to get my new book, Eight Rules of Love 504 00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:35,480 Speaker 1: from eight Rules of Love dot com. Thank you so much.