1 00:00:00,880 --> 00:00:03,640 Speaker 1: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for 2 00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:08,440 Speaker 1: all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like substance abuse, 3 00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:15,400 Speaker 1: suicidal thoughts, childhood, sexual abuse, and sexual assault. Please take care. 4 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:26,000 Speaker 1: I'm emmio Lea and this is Crumbs. It's a show 5 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:28,319 Speaker 1: about the things we settle for and the bits of 6 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:34,160 Speaker 1: ourselves that make us who we are. This season, I'm 7 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:37,600 Speaker 1: taking you on the journey. It started when I was 8 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:40,479 Speaker 1: a young, stupid kid, and it will probably continue for 9 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:44,320 Speaker 1: the rest of my life. It's my journey through addiction 10 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:50,519 Speaker 1: and into sobriety. I'm sixteen years sober today. That's two 11 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:53,880 Speaker 1: hundred and one months and six one hundred and forty 12 00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:58,240 Speaker 1: one days for me. Being sober has made my life 13 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:02,840 Speaker 1: infinitely better. But it wasn't a nicely paved straight road 14 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:09,039 Speaker 1: with pretty scenery. The true story never is. It was 15 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:14,040 Speaker 1: dark and scary. I repeated mistakes and got lost along 16 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:17,360 Speaker 1: the way. But I also found important parts of myself 17 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:22,800 Speaker 1: that I had no idea existed before I started. I'm 18 00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:25,800 Speaker 1: part of a toll step program. I can't tell you 19 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:28,440 Speaker 1: which one, and there are some details about the program 20 00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:32,920 Speaker 1: that I'm going to leave out for confidentiality. Reasons, but 21 00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:35,000 Speaker 1: I want to tell you the most honest version of 22 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:41,320 Speaker 1: my story that I can. Each step of the program 23 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,840 Speaker 1: is basically an assignment, complete it and move on to 24 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:48,639 Speaker 1: the next step. But each step also has a theme, 25 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:52,320 Speaker 1: a value that you explore while getting through that assignment, 26 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:56,560 Speaker 1: and those tall values that will be the lens I'll 27 00:01:56,640 --> 00:02:01,120 Speaker 1: use to tell my story. I'll start to story with 28 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:06,600 Speaker 1: the first value Honesty. Isn't honesty always the best place 29 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:12,400 Speaker 1: to start. My relationship with honesty hasn't been easy. My 30 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:16,720 Speaker 1: upbringing was full of lies and lying. In Season one 31 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:19,560 Speaker 1: of Crumbs, I told you a lot about my childhood, 32 00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:24,480 Speaker 1: but my parents using drugs, my parents in jail, living 33 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:28,480 Speaker 1: with my role model, Mamilica, my mom's mom, until she 34 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:32,320 Speaker 1: got sent away to prison herself her arrest that made 35 00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:37,239 Speaker 1: headlines for cocaine trafficking. If you haven't heard season one, 36 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:39,519 Speaker 1: you might want to go back and give it a listen, 37 00:02:40,639 --> 00:02:43,600 Speaker 1: because this season we start with me as a teenager, 38 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:47,920 Speaker 1: still feeling all that pain from childhood, but unsure what 39 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:51,040 Speaker 1: to do with it. So I decided not to look 40 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:54,760 Speaker 1: at it. I started to build a mask, like a 41 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:59,440 Speaker 1: costume of a person I wanted to be this season. 42 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:14,720 Speaker 1: My sobriety Journey in twelve steps, Step one honesty. This episode, 43 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:19,560 Speaker 1: I lied to myself for as long as I could. 44 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,359 Speaker 1: I started to live a double life when I was 45 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:28,240 Speaker 1: a teenager. It was around this time that Mamilicha had 46 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:31,560 Speaker 1: come home from federal prison and I was living with 47 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:35,720 Speaker 1: her when I started high school. Castle Park High School 48 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:39,760 Speaker 1: is on a hill on a hilltop drive. I remember 49 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:45,440 Speaker 1: the first day of high school. I walked in dressed 50 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:49,480 Speaker 1: from head to toe in Miller's Outpost. Mamiicha had taken 51 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:53,240 Speaker 1: me on a shopping spree. It was the first time 52 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:57,240 Speaker 1: I was actually going to school with Branny clothes from 53 00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:01,560 Speaker 1: Miller's Outpost, like if you shopped at Mozau Posts. Be 54 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:04,680 Speaker 1: dressed cool. When I was living with my mom, we 55 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:08,200 Speaker 1: couldn't afford it, but Momie just spent four hundred dollars 56 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:12,240 Speaker 1: on my wardrobe. I even had a cell phone, and 57 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:15,160 Speaker 1: I remember hanging it on my side pocket so everyone 58 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:18,760 Speaker 1: can see it. It wasn't in service, but I just 59 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:22,120 Speaker 1: wanted to look cool. As I walked through the halls 60 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:25,880 Speaker 1: of Castle Park, I could definitely see who groups were. Clickie, 61 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:28,719 Speaker 1: you had the jobs hanging out in front of the 62 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:32,800 Speaker 1: school store. You had the popular girls, the cheerleaders hanging 63 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:36,440 Speaker 1: out on a different corner. There were the skaters hanging 64 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:40,600 Speaker 1: out by the lawn. I could definitely see which ones 65 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:44,840 Speaker 1: were the potheads. And then there was me. I had 66 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:49,719 Speaker 1: no group, I belonged to no group. Obviously wanted to 67 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:53,000 Speaker 1: fit in, but I also felt a lot of pressure 68 00:04:53,279 --> 00:04:56,880 Speaker 1: to do well at school. Apart from the social CLICKI 69 00:04:57,040 --> 00:05:02,320 Speaker 1: friend group stuff. Here's the thing. I really wanted to 70 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:05,480 Speaker 1: be very different than my parents. I really wanted to 71 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:10,960 Speaker 1: achieve success. What I thought success looked like, and for me, 72 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,279 Speaker 1: what that looked like is I had to be very smart. 73 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,640 Speaker 1: I had to get good grades, and I had to 74 00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:19,160 Speaker 1: go to college. So from the very beginning when I 75 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,440 Speaker 1: got to high school, I applied myself in the school. 76 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:29,720 Speaker 1: I enrolled in honors courses, IB courses, AP courses, and 77 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,560 Speaker 1: for the most part, I did pretty good For being 78 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,960 Speaker 1: honors classes. Getting b's, I was like, okay, that's kind 79 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:39,520 Speaker 1: of like getting an A. I was always an average 80 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:44,080 Speaker 1: kind of student, but I tried really hard. Here's the thing. 81 00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:47,960 Speaker 1: For me, learning in English was so difficult because I 82 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:51,360 Speaker 1: spent so many years living in Wadalajara, where I went 83 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:55,000 Speaker 1: to elementary school, and I had to put in a 84 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,040 Speaker 1: lot of work. I would go to a lot of tutoring, 85 00:05:57,839 --> 00:06:00,880 Speaker 1: I had to play a lot of catch up. So 86 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:03,760 Speaker 1: I could just tell from early on, even on my 87 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:06,640 Speaker 1: very first day of high school, that it was going 88 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:11,560 Speaker 1: to be hard for me academically and socially. I was 89 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:14,880 Speaker 1: very insecure. Most of us are on our first day 90 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:20,719 Speaker 1: of school when we don't know anyone. I get my 91 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:25,320 Speaker 1: classes and one of my electives was drama Drama one 92 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:29,080 Speaker 1: oh one. And I walked into my first day of 93 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:34,440 Speaker 1: drama class and met the drama instructor, mister Ewbanks, and 94 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:38,679 Speaker 1: then I guess to meet the drama kids who were different. 95 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,880 Speaker 1: But you know what it was like, I felt right 96 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:46,360 Speaker 1: at home. I had this girl in my class, and 97 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:49,359 Speaker 1: she wasn't part of the most popular group, but she 98 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:52,000 Speaker 1: was part of the second most popular group of girls. 99 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:55,400 Speaker 1: I got close to her just having her in a 100 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:58,920 Speaker 1: few classes, and we started hanging out and she invited 101 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:03,440 Speaker 1: me to her house for a house I remember showing 102 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:06,680 Speaker 1: up to her house and then this girl walked in, 103 00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:11,000 Speaker 1: this girl that just looked fabulous, and she had this 104 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:16,320 Speaker 1: confidence about her, she had this beauty about her. She 105 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:24,280 Speaker 1: just seemed like such a fun person. Monica. Immediately we 106 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:28,320 Speaker 1: were spending every day together. We'd hang out during school, 107 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:33,520 Speaker 1: after school, on the weekends. When we would stop hanging out, 108 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:36,800 Speaker 1: we'd call each other and we would gossip. We knew 109 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:40,720 Speaker 1: each other's families. The thing with Monica and I is 110 00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:44,640 Speaker 1: that neither one of us came from stable homes compared 111 00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:46,520 Speaker 1: to the other girls that we were hanging out with, 112 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,800 Speaker 1: So that kind of bonded us together because we knew 113 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:54,400 Speaker 1: what our families were like. Back at home, Monica and 114 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:58,080 Speaker 1: I weren't rushing to go home after school. The mall 115 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:01,280 Speaker 1: was a big thing. Cruising down Highland Avenue was a 116 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:06,720 Speaker 1: big thing. Monica and I would get really high, really stoned, 117 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:10,920 Speaker 1: and then we'd drive to Eedmano's taco shop and get 118 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:14,000 Speaker 1: some gut Ona Sada fries. It was like two pieces 119 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:22,080 Speaker 1: in the pod. We had the Scuba girls and then 120 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:25,400 Speaker 1: there was me. I mean, you know how teenage girls are. 121 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,600 Speaker 1: They can be caddy and gossip being they go in 122 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:31,400 Speaker 1: phases in their friendships. But I felt like I was 123 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:34,320 Speaker 1: kind of the glue that kept the friend group together, 124 00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,640 Speaker 1: and it felt good to have that kind of role 125 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:42,800 Speaker 1: in a friend group and I was this feminine, pudgy, 126 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:47,480 Speaker 1: big year little boy. It's a little weird to think 127 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:50,880 Speaker 1: of me as a teenager because I am not that 128 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:57,600 Speaker 1: little boy. That young, insecure little boy was just a 129 00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:02,960 Speaker 1: part of my life, someone that I identify with today. 130 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:06,440 Speaker 1: Of course, back then, I had no idea what was 131 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:09,520 Speaker 1: going on internally. I just knew that I was different. 132 00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,000 Speaker 1: During this time that I'm getting familiar with the group 133 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:18,200 Speaker 1: of girls, I meet this other kid who was as 134 00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:22,920 Speaker 1: gay as I was. His name was Manny. Manny was 135 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:26,880 Speaker 1: really popular because his brother was one of the jocks, 136 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,680 Speaker 1: and Manny had this confidence about him and he was 137 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:34,640 Speaker 1: just like unapologetically gay, and he kind of took me 138 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:40,480 Speaker 1: under his wing himself. So being close to Manny for 139 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:44,160 Speaker 1: me was kind of a security blanket in a world 140 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:48,640 Speaker 1: where people were still so homophobic. So I had the 141 00:09:48,679 --> 00:09:50,680 Speaker 1: protection of the group of girls that I was hanging 142 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,079 Speaker 1: out with, and I had Manny, who I'd hang out 143 00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:57,440 Speaker 1: with on the weekends. But even with their protection, I 144 00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:04,800 Speaker 1: felt very insecure about who I was. Back at home, 145 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,840 Speaker 1: things were so chaotic. I was back living with my militia. 146 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:11,560 Speaker 1: She had only been out of prison for a few months. 147 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:15,360 Speaker 1: My mom was running a muk and through all of this, 148 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:20,000 Speaker 1: I was pushing myself really really hard to do well, 149 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:23,840 Speaker 1: to get into college, to not become like my mom. 150 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:29,920 Speaker 1: So for me, theater was such an escape. The thing 151 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:33,720 Speaker 1: about theater is a yes, I love to perform, but 152 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:37,280 Speaker 1: I love getting into a character that takes me out 153 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:42,120 Speaker 1: of who I am, because clearly I wasn't comfortable with 154 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,600 Speaker 1: myself and I wanted to be someone else other than myself. 155 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:54,120 Speaker 1: So the first play that we did in high school, 156 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:59,720 Speaker 1: mister Ewbanks had tryouts, right auditions, and it was going 157 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:03,680 Speaker 1: to be a musical called Bells a Ringing, So everyone 158 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:07,120 Speaker 1: showed up to tryouts. I was never a great singer, 159 00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:11,839 Speaker 1: but he cast me cast me as the telephone man. 160 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:18,840 Speaker 1: Telephone Man had one line. When I got on stage, 161 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:23,280 Speaker 1: it was like nothing else mattered. What was happening at 162 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:26,040 Speaker 1: home didn't matter. What was happening in my friend group 163 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:30,120 Speaker 1: didn't matter. I was home. On stage, I felt like 164 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:39,760 Speaker 1: I became alive. During my sophomore year, they were going 165 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:44,000 Speaker 1: to have auditions for the Phantom of the Opera. I 166 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:46,720 Speaker 1: had never heard of a Phantom of the Opera. I 167 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:50,360 Speaker 1: was uncultured. I came from the ghetto. But when I 168 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:57,440 Speaker 1: heard of what it was about. I was intrigued. There's 169 00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:01,120 Speaker 1: a phantom and it's a man with the burned face 170 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:05,200 Speaker 1: who hides out in the theater like underground, like in caves. 171 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:10,640 Speaker 1: It's back in the day opera. He haunts the theater 172 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:17,280 Speaker 1: the lead singer, Carlata. He scares her. They're rehearsing, and 173 00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:21,840 Speaker 1: all of a sudden, he makes this chandelier fall and 174 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:23,920 Speaker 1: she's like, I'm not going to be part of this 175 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:26,240 Speaker 1: shit if this thing, haunted thing doesn't stop, and she 176 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:32,239 Speaker 1: like runs off stage. But there's this little chorus girl, Christine, 177 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,360 Speaker 1: that he's fond of, like he has his eye on her. 178 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:38,040 Speaker 1: He's in love with her. He hypnotizes her and he 179 00:12:38,559 --> 00:12:41,400 Speaker 1: there's this trance that he puts her under and she's 180 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:44,280 Speaker 1: like in the trance while she's singing, and he like 181 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:48,720 Speaker 1: empowers her to like be the best singer. But then 182 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:53,160 Speaker 1: there's this audience member who's watching the opera on show day. 183 00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:58,000 Speaker 1: He's like a next lover, Raoul, and so he sees 184 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:01,120 Speaker 1: her from the audience. He's like, is that Christine. It's 185 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:04,760 Speaker 1: like a love triangle because Roll's in love with Christine 186 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,600 Speaker 1: and the Phantom's in love with Christine and then he 187 00:13:07,679 --> 00:13:11,040 Speaker 1: like kidnaps her and Raoul has a savor. There was 188 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:16,800 Speaker 1: this freshman who he sings so beautiful that everyone just 189 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,800 Speaker 1: knew that he was going to be the phantom. So 190 00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:22,960 Speaker 1: that was out for me. And then they were casting 191 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:28,920 Speaker 1: for Raoul. Rol was a tenor, mister Ewbanks. He asked 192 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,480 Speaker 1: me if I wanted to try out for Rol. I 193 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,000 Speaker 1: was very insecure about it because of my seeing abilities, 194 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:38,280 Speaker 1: but I wanted it. I wanted it so bad. Here's 195 00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:41,320 Speaker 1: the thing, when someone offers me something that I really want, 196 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:44,040 Speaker 1: I will do all the work and put in the work. 197 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:50,120 Speaker 1: That's just who I am. He casts me as Roll. 198 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:53,040 Speaker 1: He gave me the part, he gave me the opportunity. 199 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,280 Speaker 1: I was so excited, and I was bragging to everyone 200 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,480 Speaker 1: in my friend group and bragging at people at home, 201 00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:00,920 Speaker 1: and no one understood. But to me it was such 202 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:04,559 Speaker 1: a big deal because I was a sophomore being cast 203 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:13,480 Speaker 1: as the second lead. During the show, you know, I 204 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:16,320 Speaker 1: think I'm in the second or third scene, maybe third scene. 205 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:21,200 Speaker 1: That's when like Roel comes into the play and I 206 00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:25,920 Speaker 1: had to exit the drama building from the side door 207 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:28,960 Speaker 1: so that I can come in from the audience and 208 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:32,520 Speaker 1: I remember the lights were on Christine, she was seeing 209 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:36,720 Speaker 1: her solo, and all of a sudden, it's my turn. 210 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,920 Speaker 1: So I come in through the aisle where the audience 211 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:44,400 Speaker 1: is sitting. I start seeing my first words like can 212 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:47,720 Speaker 1: it be? Can it be? Christine? And the spot like 213 00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:51,280 Speaker 1: just goes on me and it's like Bravo. And so 214 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:52,920 Speaker 1: all the audience is shocked because they didn't know that 215 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,440 Speaker 1: I was coming from the aisle, and they're all looking 216 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:56,880 Speaker 1: at me, and you know, I work my weight on 217 00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,440 Speaker 1: stage and I get to Christine and I'm singing to 218 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:03,240 Speaker 1: her and she's seeming to me, and there's a kiss 219 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,720 Speaker 1: and it's like a really quick kiss on the lips. 220 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:18,480 Speaker 1: And then I go off stage and I am euphoric. 221 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:24,360 Speaker 1: I just made my entrance. I just had my big moment, 222 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:29,520 Speaker 1: and I'm so happy. I am elated. It's an out 223 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:34,720 Speaker 1: of body experience that I have. It's the perfect escape 224 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:38,640 Speaker 1: from the rest of my life. And I'm going to 225 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,440 Speaker 1: do everything that I need to do to go to 226 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:45,200 Speaker 1: school for this, to train hard. That was my plan. 227 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:55,040 Speaker 1: That was my goal. My other form of escape was partying. 228 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:01,680 Speaker 1: Whenever there were house parties. It's kind of like what 229 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:05,160 Speaker 1: you see in movies. Everybody would show up, right, the Misfits, 230 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:08,000 Speaker 1: the jocks, the second popular group. Like everyone shows up 231 00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:11,280 Speaker 1: to these house parties and we get drunk and we 232 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,400 Speaker 1: drink and we kind of like bond, and then we 233 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:14,600 Speaker 1: go back to school and it's like we don't know 234 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:18,880 Speaker 1: each other. It's so bizarre. Alcohol, the party, the kegs 235 00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:24,240 Speaker 1: that brought everyone together, because once you're faded, you're drunk. Yeah, 236 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:32,280 Speaker 1: everyone's welcome, regardless of what group you're from. We're sophomores 237 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:36,560 Speaker 1: and King Signeta start happening. We start getting invited to 238 00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:41,240 Speaker 1: King Signet as we start going to King Sennetras in Tijuana, 239 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:44,920 Speaker 1: in Mexico, almost every weekend there was a King Signetta. 240 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:50,520 Speaker 1: So that's when we really started drinking a lot. So 241 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:56,000 Speaker 1: we're going across to Mexico getting drunk and I start 242 00:16:56,000 --> 00:17:03,680 Speaker 1: blacking out, not knowing what I did the night before. 243 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:09,719 Speaker 1: Thank God there wasn't social media back then, because I 244 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:17,600 Speaker 1: heard that I just become belligerent, I become violent. And 245 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,199 Speaker 1: someone says, I feel like you have a lot of 246 00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:21,719 Speaker 1: anger inside of you because it comes out when you're drinking. 247 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,879 Speaker 1: Hearing about how I would talk to some of my 248 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:31,760 Speaker 1: girlfriends sometimes and Monica was feisty. She's always been feisty, 249 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:35,080 Speaker 1: and we have had our run ends with each other, 250 00:17:35,119 --> 00:17:37,879 Speaker 1: like we just we go at it. But I think 251 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:42,240 Speaker 1: one of the things that I heard is that I 252 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:47,600 Speaker 1: had slapped her in a blackout, spat in her face too, 253 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,840 Speaker 1: Like I think that's the kind of drunk that I become. 254 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:56,960 Speaker 1: You know, I felt so much remorse about being so 255 00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:01,400 Speaker 1: violent with one of my best friends. It's not who 256 00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:04,720 Speaker 1: I wanted to be, especially her who had always done 257 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:07,000 Speaker 1: so much for me and always giving me so much love. 258 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:13,680 Speaker 1: Not once did I ever think, even after hearing these stories, 259 00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,760 Speaker 1: oh man, I don't want to drink again, not at all. 260 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:20,840 Speaker 1: I wanted more of it. I wanted more of it, 261 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:24,560 Speaker 1: not to become a mean, violent person, but just because 262 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:28,399 Speaker 1: I wanted to numb so much of the hurt and 263 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:34,080 Speaker 1: pain that I was in at the time. And I'm 264 00:18:34,119 --> 00:18:38,520 Speaker 1: so depressed inside because of everything that's happening around me 265 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:45,080 Speaker 1: with my family. The amount of sadness that I had 266 00:18:45,119 --> 00:18:50,520 Speaker 1: when I was home just really weighed me down. During 267 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,160 Speaker 1: this time, I went to live with my paternal grandparents 268 00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:56,160 Speaker 1: because Mimlech and I had gone into a huge argument 269 00:18:57,119 --> 00:19:02,160 Speaker 1: about her disciplining my sisters. She didn't have the patience 270 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:06,120 Speaker 1: that she had before, and I didn't like the way 271 00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:12,080 Speaker 1: that she yelled at them or disciplined them. So I left. 272 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:16,720 Speaker 1: I'm what fourteen fifteen around there. When I move out 273 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:21,200 Speaker 1: to go live with my nana and Matata and Andrea, 274 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:25,919 Speaker 1: my seven year old sister, and Daniela, my three or 275 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,879 Speaker 1: four year old sister at the time, stays with my 276 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:32,760 Speaker 1: Militia and my mom would be in and out of jail. 277 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:38,560 Speaker 1: I was going through puberty. My nana, Ametata made me 278 00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:43,199 Speaker 1: feel like I was different. My uncle, who lived with us, Cholo, 279 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,840 Speaker 1: also made me feel like I was different because I 280 00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:50,760 Speaker 1: was feminine. I couldn't talk to them about what that 281 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:54,000 Speaker 1: was like, what it felt like for me on the inside. 282 00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:58,520 Speaker 1: And these teenage years, this is when you need support 283 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:03,320 Speaker 1: and love. I just felt distant from them and kind 284 00:20:03,359 --> 00:20:07,560 Speaker 1: of ashamed and alone. And it's like there was a 285 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:11,800 Speaker 1: big LGBTQ plus community for me to turn to. It 286 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:17,400 Speaker 1: was just me isolated. I started smoking weed in my room. 287 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,359 Speaker 1: My grand would just shake her head. She'd be like, 288 00:20:19,359 --> 00:20:22,960 Speaker 1: oh my God, like why you know, But I wasn't 289 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:27,200 Speaker 1: disciplined for it. I didn't feel like I could be myself. 290 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:30,040 Speaker 1: The only times that I feel like I can be 291 00:20:30,119 --> 00:20:33,680 Speaker 1: myself is when I'm on stage performing or if I'm 292 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:42,280 Speaker 1: out drinking. Even throughout all of my drinking and smoking pot, 293 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:46,159 Speaker 1: I still had a goal. I had a vision. I 294 00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:51,359 Speaker 1: had a dream to apply to school. I took the 295 00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:55,960 Speaker 1: SATs and then I started asking some family members for 296 00:20:56,080 --> 00:21:00,560 Speaker 1: money for a college application. I applied to to San 297 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:04,680 Speaker 1: Francisco State as a theater major. I wanted to get 298 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:07,600 Speaker 1: the fuck away from my family and be as far 299 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:11,159 Speaker 1: away as I could, so I thought, I'll go to 300 00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:16,240 Speaker 1: San Francisco. Yay, I'll go and be gay and then 301 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:19,359 Speaker 1: I'll move to Los Angeles when I graduate. That was 302 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:22,600 Speaker 1: my plan, but I needed to have a couple of backups, 303 00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:27,680 Speaker 1: so I applied to CSU San Marcos and CSU Stans Laws. 304 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:34,720 Speaker 1: I was missing a class, so I got admitted to 305 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:38,199 Speaker 1: all three universities with the condition that I take that 306 00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:42,680 Speaker 1: class in that summer. Easy, I said, I'm going to 307 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,840 Speaker 1: San Francisco State. That's where I'm going, and I also 308 00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:49,399 Speaker 1: got a scholarship. I was on my way to be successful. 309 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,280 Speaker 1: All I had to do was take this summer school 310 00:21:54,320 --> 00:22:00,280 Speaker 1: math class. So I started and it was boring. And 311 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:02,400 Speaker 1: then I get the check in the mail for the scholarship, 312 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:10,200 Speaker 1: and these thoughts started going through my mind. When will 313 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:14,719 Speaker 1: I ever have a break? I needed this class and 314 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:18,640 Speaker 1: then actually go to college, and then just continue working 315 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:23,680 Speaker 1: and working all these years. I'm working for something so hard, 316 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:26,520 Speaker 1: to be very different than my mom and to really 317 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:31,840 Speaker 1: chase success. My family was not telling me, great job, 318 00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:36,800 Speaker 1: We're so proud of you. Education was not important to them. 319 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,640 Speaker 1: They didn't really see the value of that because they 320 00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:44,160 Speaker 1: always worked so hard since they were teenagers in hard 321 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:48,840 Speaker 1: manual labor, and their kids also weren't going to college. 322 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:53,920 Speaker 1: So I kind of had like a unspoken you don't 323 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:57,720 Speaker 1: have to go to college. I was doing this on 324 00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:03,200 Speaker 1: my own, and I didn't have the encouragement from anyone. 325 00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:09,199 Speaker 1: They thought that I dreamt too big and that I 326 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:14,119 Speaker 1: needed to be pulled back into reality and adapt to 327 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:17,880 Speaker 1: the lifestyle that I was born into. I didn't want 328 00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:22,560 Speaker 1: to do that, and so I'm working diligently with school, 329 00:23:23,359 --> 00:23:27,320 Speaker 1: getting good grades, trying to discipline myself, still drinking and 330 00:23:27,359 --> 00:23:31,120 Speaker 1: smoking a lot of pot behind closed doors. But I 331 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:35,479 Speaker 1: feel like I'm wound up so tight. I need a 332 00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:39,800 Speaker 1: little bit of release. And nobody is keeping track of 333 00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:45,000 Speaker 1: my path, just me, a teenager. So when I saw 334 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:48,639 Speaker 1: the check I saw it kind of like a reward 335 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:52,040 Speaker 1: for all the hard work that I had done. So 336 00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:56,600 Speaker 1: what I decided to do was deposit the check book 337 00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:59,600 Speaker 1: a trip to go meet my family in Mexico and 338 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:03,919 Speaker 1: not take this college course. This is an opportunity for 339 00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:07,639 Speaker 1: me to have a great time and celebrate, and yes, 340 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:10,800 Speaker 1: I will put off college for a little bit and 341 00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:15,040 Speaker 1: then I'll figure it out. I'll get a loan. That's 342 00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:18,560 Speaker 1: what was happening in my head. I didn't know it 343 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:22,119 Speaker 1: at the time, but my life would then take a 344 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:26,640 Speaker 1: completely different turn. I wouldn't end up going to college 345 00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:30,720 Speaker 1: until much much later. All of my dreams would be 346 00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:41,320 Speaker 1: put on hold. After a few weeks in Mexico with 347 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:44,760 Speaker 1: my family, I come back and get a job at Macy's. 348 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,960 Speaker 1: It was supposed to be temporary until I could start 349 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:53,760 Speaker 1: that one class again. I work in the men's department. 350 00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:59,399 Speaker 1: It was fun, and I started going out more with 351 00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:02,719 Speaker 1: my coworker because now I'm eighteen. Now I can go 352 00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:05,600 Speaker 1: party across the border legally and get into the bars 353 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:09,680 Speaker 1: and clubs, and that became a regular for me. That's 354 00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:17,520 Speaker 1: what I was doing every weekend. There's a specific area 355 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:22,119 Speaker 1: in Tijuana that is called La Plasa, and there's a 356 00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:26,720 Speaker 1: bunch of little bars. It was such a lively environment. 357 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:30,240 Speaker 1: The atmosphere was just people, like good lucky people everywhere. 358 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:35,000 Speaker 1: During this time at Macy's is when I feel like 359 00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:42,320 Speaker 1: I had my first scary blackout. I didn't know how 360 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:46,000 Speaker 1: much I had to drink, I didn't know who I 361 00:25:46,119 --> 00:25:51,960 Speaker 1: was with, I didn't know anything. And all I remember, 362 00:25:52,119 --> 00:25:54,480 Speaker 1: you know, one of my coworkers, when I saw her 363 00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:57,080 Speaker 1: at work the next day, she was like, oh my god, 364 00:25:57,160 --> 00:26:02,320 Speaker 1: you were so crazy. It was like, really scary because 365 00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:05,520 Speaker 1: that was the first time that I saw people look 366 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:08,840 Speaker 1: at me different for how I had behaved, and I 367 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:14,320 Speaker 1: was too scared to ask. It felt very different than 368 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:17,399 Speaker 1: my experience in high school, because that's when everyone's you know, 369 00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:22,600 Speaker 1: partying and having fun and being like destructive like young teenagers. 370 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:28,160 Speaker 1: But this time I was an adult and I knew 371 00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:31,800 Speaker 1: that something terrible had happened. I felt it deep down 372 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,560 Speaker 1: in my gut, and I could see the way people 373 00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:40,200 Speaker 1: would look at me like something's not quite right. During 374 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:43,960 Speaker 1: this time, my mom is not doing well. She's living 375 00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:48,200 Speaker 1: in hotels. She's using heroin. The girls are bouncing back 376 00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:53,960 Speaker 1: from hotels to Meechas and their father. My mom's husband, Geko, 377 00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:58,600 Speaker 1: is in and out of jail, so my mom calls 378 00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:01,399 Speaker 1: me my sister and the day, who's now twelve, is 379 00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:04,840 Speaker 1: not doing well. She's hanging out with the cholos. She's 380 00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:09,760 Speaker 1: starting to do drugs and that scared me. And I 381 00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:14,080 Speaker 1: had two options. Do I turn the other way or 382 00:27:14,119 --> 00:27:21,000 Speaker 1: do I try to become a hero. So I go 383 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:24,240 Speaker 1: and I pick her up, and I'm heartbroken just seeing 384 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:27,199 Speaker 1: her condition, like the way she looks, the way she's acting, 385 00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:30,439 Speaker 1: and I know that she has a warrant for her arrest. 386 00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:34,439 Speaker 1: So I convince her to get in the car and 387 00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:37,840 Speaker 1: we drive to the Sheriff's department and I turn her in. 388 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:43,639 Speaker 1: A few weeks later, she has a court date. My 389 00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:51,000 Speaker 1: mom didn't show up. I was assigned to be her guardian. 390 00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:55,280 Speaker 1: I'm living with my name Tata, and then the dad 391 00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:59,240 Speaker 1: comes to live with us. A few months later, my 392 00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:02,320 Speaker 1: mom goes to jail and Danila comes to live with me. 393 00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:06,440 Speaker 1: Now Andrey and I are sharing a room at my 394 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:12,080 Speaker 1: nana's house. Adding someone else is a little much, so 395 00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:17,080 Speaker 1: we do it for about a month. During this time, 396 00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:22,359 Speaker 1: my uncle got hired at the phone company, and he 397 00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:24,120 Speaker 1: knew that I was going to college, but he said, 398 00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:27,120 Speaker 1: while you go to college, they're hiring if you want 399 00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:33,040 Speaker 1: to apply, they're having a test for a bilingual service 400 00:28:33,359 --> 00:28:37,480 Speaker 1: and sales representative, and since you like to sell shit, 401 00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:43,160 Speaker 1: this is a good opportunity to make good money. It 402 00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:46,880 Speaker 1: was a higher salary, it was a union job. So 403 00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:50,920 Speaker 1: I go to take the test and there's a line 404 00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:55,360 Speaker 1: of hundreds of people, and it was such a difficult test. 405 00:28:56,600 --> 00:29:02,280 Speaker 1: It's a detailed perception test. There is an oral exam. 406 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:05,959 Speaker 1: I thought for sure I failed, and then I got 407 00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:09,000 Speaker 1: the notification that I had passed the exam with an 408 00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:13,440 Speaker 1: offer of employment and they were going to start me 409 00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:18,960 Speaker 1: at twenty dollars an hour. Back then, it was a 410 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:22,320 Speaker 1: lot of money, so I didn't even feel like I 411 00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:27,440 Speaker 1: needed the college degree anymore. My family they thought I 412 00:29:27,520 --> 00:29:29,160 Speaker 1: was insane, that I was never going to find a 413 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:32,240 Speaker 1: job that paid me that much, and I started to 414 00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:38,040 Speaker 1: put my dreams on hold. I fought their words or 415 00:29:38,080 --> 00:29:41,640 Speaker 1: their thoughts for so many years, and here I was 416 00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:46,640 Speaker 1: just kind of surrendering to their idea that I dreamt 417 00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:51,360 Speaker 1: too big. That I needed to be more grounded into reality, 418 00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:56,840 Speaker 1: that I had to be more practical, and finally their 419 00:29:56,920 --> 00:30:03,880 Speaker 1: vision of my future seemed to make sense. I ran 420 00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:07,880 Speaker 1: an apartment. Then my mom came out of jail, but 421 00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:11,960 Speaker 1: I already had the girls. Andreas twelve and Ela has eight. 422 00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:15,760 Speaker 1: At that point she just said, fuck it, she let 423 00:30:15,760 --> 00:30:20,120 Speaker 1: me have them, and so I furnished this apartment. I 424 00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:24,240 Speaker 1: buy them clothes, I enroll them in school. I wake 425 00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:27,040 Speaker 1: them up in the morning, make sure that they get dressed. 426 00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:31,280 Speaker 1: I make lunch for them or give them lunch money. 427 00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:34,280 Speaker 1: I drive them to school. Then I go to work 428 00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:37,960 Speaker 1: and I arrange for someone to pick them up, and 429 00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:39,960 Speaker 1: then pick them up when I get home from work. 430 00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:44,440 Speaker 1: I am their parent. I make sure that we have 431 00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:48,680 Speaker 1: a family night, that we all eat together. Everything that 432 00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:51,400 Speaker 1: I never had I wanted to give to them. And 433 00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:53,600 Speaker 1: I'm working. Everyone that I work with is much older 434 00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:57,480 Speaker 1: than me. I'm the youngest kid. I think I've always 435 00:30:57,520 --> 00:31:01,280 Speaker 1: been the very organized person, and I'm a planner. I've 436 00:31:01,320 --> 00:31:04,200 Speaker 1: always been a planner. So if I make sure that 437 00:31:04,240 --> 00:31:06,920 Speaker 1: the girls are taken care of, this, plan out their 438 00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:12,680 Speaker 1: day for them, then I can plan my partying. Emily 439 00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:15,640 Speaker 1: child was always willing to help babysit them on the 440 00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:20,239 Speaker 1: weekends if I needed her to. I need it. I 441 00:31:20,280 --> 00:31:22,720 Speaker 1: need to blow off some esteem because being a parent 442 00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:29,240 Speaker 1: is fucking hard. We book a trip to go to 443 00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:33,160 Speaker 1: Hawaii and we do all the fun things. But at night, 444 00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:35,840 Speaker 1: I put the girls to sleep and then I go 445 00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:40,560 Speaker 1: to a bar to look for drugs. So I found 446 00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:45,200 Speaker 1: the local crackheads. We always find each other. And I 447 00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:48,720 Speaker 1: don't know what happened along the way, but I woke 448 00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:51,960 Speaker 1: up with a black eye, and in a different night, 449 00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:56,280 Speaker 1: I came to in my hotel room with the random 450 00:31:56,320 --> 00:32:00,840 Speaker 1: guy in bed. He was naked, and my sisters were 451 00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:04,080 Speaker 1: on the other bed of sleep and I'm just thinking, 452 00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:07,840 Speaker 1: what the fuck am I doing. I am doing the 453 00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:13,120 Speaker 1: same thing that my mom did to me. I put 454 00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:16,680 Speaker 1: these girls in danger by bringing up a random crackhead 455 00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:22,360 Speaker 1: to the hotel room, and that killed me that I 456 00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:37,239 Speaker 1: didn't stop drinking. It's one of my coworker's birthday. We 457 00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:41,920 Speaker 1: started drinking. She says, Oh, I'm going to order some 458 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:45,840 Speaker 1: tequila shots. This is the best tequila you're ever going 459 00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:49,320 Speaker 1: to taste. And it was like one hundred dollars a shot, 460 00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:53,760 Speaker 1: and I'm thinking, Wow, that's a lot of money. And 461 00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:56,560 Speaker 1: I remember taking that shot and it was so smooth 462 00:32:57,480 --> 00:33:01,000 Speaker 1: I wanted more, so I take my debit card out. 463 00:33:01,760 --> 00:33:04,640 Speaker 1: I opened up a tab, and I keep the tequila 464 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:10,000 Speaker 1: shots coming. There's this really cute guy at the bar, Patrick, 465 00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:14,640 Speaker 1: and he's into my coworker, I could tell, but I 466 00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:17,680 Speaker 1: like him. You know. I'm drunk, so I strike out 467 00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:25,040 Speaker 1: conversation with a random and then I black out. I 468 00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:29,400 Speaker 1: come to I'm in the hotel room. There is a 469 00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:34,480 Speaker 1: man on top of me. It's not Patrick, it's someone 470 00:33:34,600 --> 00:33:40,760 Speaker 1: I don't recognize, and he's aggressively having sex with me. 471 00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:44,760 Speaker 1: So I push him off and I'm like, who the 472 00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:48,120 Speaker 1: fuck are you. He's like, hey, I'm here on business 473 00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:52,040 Speaker 1: and you asked me for a ride outside of whatever bar. 474 00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:55,080 Speaker 1: But I told you that I didn't have a car, 475 00:33:56,280 --> 00:34:00,040 Speaker 1: and so I brought you here. And I just we 476 00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:05,000 Speaker 1: were feeling so small, so miserable. So I got up 477 00:34:05,800 --> 00:34:08,000 Speaker 1: and I went to the bathroom to wash my face, 478 00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:12,680 Speaker 1: and I looked over and I saw his wedding band 479 00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:17,160 Speaker 1: on the scenc of the bathroom. I remember looking at 480 00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:19,959 Speaker 1: myself in the mirror and just being like, what the fuck. 481 00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:24,799 Speaker 1: And I just remember getting dressed and just running out 482 00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:29,920 Speaker 1: of that hotel room. It was the Hilton in downtown 483 00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:41,360 Speaker 1: in San Diego. I had to go to work the 484 00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:45,279 Speaker 1: next day, and I was late to work, and I 485 00:34:45,320 --> 00:34:48,839 Speaker 1: walked into the office and people are just looking at 486 00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:53,479 Speaker 1: me so weird. Everyone who was part of that night 487 00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:57,120 Speaker 1: was there, and I'm sure they had told a lot 488 00:34:57,160 --> 00:35:01,240 Speaker 1: of people. And I remember sitting at my desk logging 489 00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:06,120 Speaker 1: onto my phone and I'm texting, like my coworker, what happened? 490 00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:13,120 Speaker 1: No reply. I could see her. She just like shakes 491 00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:17,040 Speaker 1: her head like she's disgusted with me, and then she 492 00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:20,320 Speaker 1: comes to my desk and she says, you really fucked 493 00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:23,839 Speaker 1: up last night. Do you even know that you stole 494 00:35:23,920 --> 00:35:30,160 Speaker 1: Patrick's wallet and his car keys. I didn't realize that 495 00:35:30,239 --> 00:35:34,400 Speaker 1: I had someone else's wallet in my pocket and someone's 496 00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:39,719 Speaker 1: car keys. Apparently I attacked this Patrick guy on the 497 00:35:39,800 --> 00:35:43,920 Speaker 1: dance floor and then beat out his pockets and ran 498 00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:47,600 Speaker 1: out of the bar. She tells me that Patrick is 499 00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:50,520 Speaker 1: on his way to collect these things, that his car 500 00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:52,960 Speaker 1: had been towed and I had to pay for it. 501 00:35:56,360 --> 00:35:58,799 Speaker 1: So I go to the ATM machine on my brake. 502 00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:02,640 Speaker 1: I take out like four hundred dollars and then she 503 00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:07,239 Speaker 1: texts me Patrick is here, and so I finished my 504 00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:10,040 Speaker 1: phone call. I closed my phone and I walked to 505 00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:14,200 Speaker 1: the lobby of the building. My heart's beating very fast. 506 00:36:15,560 --> 00:36:19,880 Speaker 1: I'm scared. Is he gonna beat me up? Is he 507 00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:24,440 Speaker 1: gonna hurt me? But these are consequences of my actions. 508 00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:27,239 Speaker 1: I have to give this guy his keys back, his 509 00:36:27,360 --> 00:36:31,480 Speaker 1: wallet back, and pay him for what had just happened 510 00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:35,600 Speaker 1: with the car. So I must up the courage. I 511 00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:39,719 Speaker 1: go up to him, I give him money, he gives 512 00:36:39,719 --> 00:36:42,560 Speaker 1: me a receipt for the tow truck. I give him 513 00:36:42,560 --> 00:36:45,560 Speaker 1: his keys, his wallet, and he looks at me with 514 00:36:45,640 --> 00:36:51,480 Speaker 1: such disgust and he said, you have problems, dude, and 515 00:36:51,640 --> 00:37:03,279 Speaker 1: just walked away. I felt terrible. I was embarrassed I'd 516 00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:08,880 Speaker 1: been violent and that everyone saw. I was also in 517 00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:13,160 Speaker 1: pain that I just had to internalize I hadn't told 518 00:37:13,280 --> 00:37:18,040 Speaker 1: anyone about being raped. To them, I was just an 519 00:37:18,080 --> 00:37:23,680 Speaker 1: aggressive asshole to me. I had just gone through something terrible. 520 00:37:26,640 --> 00:37:30,600 Speaker 1: It's in this moment, at this point in my life, 521 00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:35,040 Speaker 1: that I start realizing that my relationship to drugs and 522 00:37:35,080 --> 00:37:41,200 Speaker 1: alcohol was not normal. I could not drink like my friends, 523 00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:44,440 Speaker 1: and this double life that I'm living where I'm responsible 524 00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:48,120 Speaker 1: and I could still party. Was no longer working out, 525 00:37:49,719 --> 00:37:55,279 Speaker 1: it was no longer a double life. Everyone knew. So 526 00:37:55,320 --> 00:38:00,719 Speaker 1: these patterns of my relationship with alcohol just become more frequent, infrequent, 527 00:38:01,719 --> 00:38:06,400 Speaker 1: and there's a part of me inside that's dying. So 528 00:38:06,520 --> 00:38:11,319 Speaker 1: I started taking these trips, trips to psych words, because 529 00:38:11,360 --> 00:38:13,280 Speaker 1: when I wake up and I hear about the terrible 530 00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:16,560 Speaker 1: things that I do, I always want to kill myself, 531 00:38:18,040 --> 00:38:21,719 Speaker 1: whether it was things that were happening to me, or 532 00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:25,520 Speaker 1: things that I was doing, or ways I felt that 533 00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:34,120 Speaker 1: I was failing my family. I'm shuffling my sisters to 534 00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:38,120 Speaker 1: whoever can take care of them, my militia's house, my neighbor, 535 00:38:38,920 --> 00:38:43,799 Speaker 1: my friend Cynthia, my nana, my roommate. During this time, 536 00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:46,960 Speaker 1: I'm living with one of my coworkers and her two kids. 537 00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:49,840 Speaker 1: She's got two boys, I got two girls. We r 538 00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:53,040 Speaker 1: in a four bedroom house and we move in together, 539 00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:56,600 Speaker 1: which is why sometimes she can take care of my sisters. 540 00:38:57,400 --> 00:39:02,200 Speaker 1: A lot of the times A numb this pain that 541 00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:08,799 Speaker 1: I have. And then one night I come to from 542 00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:14,320 Speaker 1: a blackout and I'm handcuffed to a bench in a 543 00:39:14,400 --> 00:39:18,719 Speaker 1: drunk tank. They call me, I get up, They uncuff me, 544 00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:22,520 Speaker 1: They take my fingerprints, and they tell me that I'm 545 00:39:22,520 --> 00:39:27,920 Speaker 1: allowed one phone call. I called my nana. She picks 546 00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:33,160 Speaker 1: me up and she's like, what are you wearing. I'm 547 00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:37,319 Speaker 1: in boxer shorts and a white tank top. I don't 548 00:39:37,360 --> 00:39:41,560 Speaker 1: know how I got here. I remember going out to 549 00:39:42,600 --> 00:39:49,680 Speaker 1: one of my coworker's friends' birthday. At some point in 550 00:39:49,719 --> 00:39:54,160 Speaker 1: the party, I decided to go into one of the bedrooms, 551 00:39:54,800 --> 00:39:59,359 Speaker 1: go inside the closet and urinate in it. That's what 552 00:39:59,400 --> 00:40:02,840 Speaker 1: I was told. So they dragged me out of the party, 553 00:40:04,400 --> 00:40:07,879 Speaker 1: and I started becoming illiterate and wanting to fight her, 554 00:40:09,040 --> 00:40:12,319 Speaker 1: and things got so out of control. She called the 555 00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:16,320 Speaker 1: police because she says that I threatened to kill myself. 556 00:40:18,239 --> 00:40:22,160 Speaker 1: The police got there and I wasn't ready to get arrested, 557 00:40:23,040 --> 00:40:26,080 Speaker 1: so I ran down the street, where the cops then 558 00:40:26,160 --> 00:40:30,600 Speaker 1: tackled me handcuffed me. And I must have thought that 559 00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:32,640 Speaker 1: I was like the Hulk or something, because I try 560 00:40:32,719 --> 00:40:36,839 Speaker 1: to undo the handcuffs, which explained why my hands were 561 00:40:36,880 --> 00:40:41,000 Speaker 1: so swollen. I was furious in my roommate that she 562 00:40:41,040 --> 00:40:43,160 Speaker 1: had called the cops on me, because that's not something 563 00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:46,920 Speaker 1: we do, you know. Living at my nana's living with 564 00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:50,920 Speaker 1: chorros and that household. We don't call the cops on 565 00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:59,759 Speaker 1: each other. I got so angry. I thought she was 566 00:41:00,280 --> 00:41:03,680 Speaker 1: on a very deep level trying to help me, doing 567 00:41:03,719 --> 00:41:06,920 Speaker 1: something really big with big consequences, so that I'd have 568 00:41:06,960 --> 00:41:10,640 Speaker 1: to face the reality of my life. But that's not 569 00:41:10,719 --> 00:41:14,120 Speaker 1: how I took it. I was still clinging so hard 570 00:41:14,160 --> 00:41:17,000 Speaker 1: to the double life I wanted to live. It was 571 00:41:17,080 --> 00:41:21,239 Speaker 1: crumbling around me. The costume that I worked so hard 572 00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:25,040 Speaker 1: to make for myself was just falling apart, and everyone 573 00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:28,200 Speaker 1: could see the real me. If I could just have 574 00:41:28,320 --> 00:41:31,520 Speaker 1: been more honest with myself, maybe I could have seen 575 00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:36,080 Speaker 1: it too, seeing myself a little more clearly. But the 576 00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:40,080 Speaker 1: problem is life as an addict was still a blur. 577 00:41:41,960 --> 00:41:45,799 Speaker 1: So I decided to move out, and I moved the 578 00:41:45,840 --> 00:42:01,320 Speaker 1: girls of myself to Tijuana. That's next time on Crumbs. Hey, listeners, 579 00:42:01,680 --> 00:42:03,680 Speaker 1: there's a lot of difficult subjects that we cover in 580 00:42:03,719 --> 00:42:07,080 Speaker 1: this show. If you are someone you know needs help, 581 00:42:07,480 --> 00:42:10,240 Speaker 1: you can reach the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services 582 00:42:10,280 --> 00:42:14,879 Speaker 1: Hotline at one eight hundred sixty sixty two four three 583 00:42:15,160 --> 00:42:19,280 Speaker 1: five seven. They'll connect you with information and resources on treatment. 584 00:42:20,200 --> 00:42:24,200 Speaker 1: There's also the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at twenty hundred 585 00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:29,879 Speaker 1: two seven three TA l K. Both are available twenty 586 00:42:29,920 --> 00:42:32,680 Speaker 1: four seven. You don't have to be in crisis to 587 00:42:32,719 --> 00:42:35,880 Speaker 1: reach out either. They're available to anyone who needs help. 588 00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:39,720 Speaker 1: You can also reach the National Sexual Assault Hotline twenty 589 00:42:39,760 --> 00:42:43,000 Speaker 1: four to seven at one eight hundred six five six 590 00:42:43,560 --> 00:42:50,680 Speaker 1: four six seven three. Crumbs is a Somoto production in 591 00:42:50,719 --> 00:42:55,279 Speaker 1: partnership with Iheartsmiko, Thura Network and Trojan Horse Media. It's 592 00:42:55,320 --> 00:42:59,480 Speaker 1: produced by Margaret Catcher and Patime Ragunev and edited by 593 00:42:59,520 --> 00:43:04,320 Speaker 1: rodrigoke Espo. Original music by D. Peter Schmidt and engineering 594 00:43:04,320 --> 00:43:10,040 Speaker 1: by Manuel Barra Studio, Recording by JTV Recording and Podcasting Studio. 595 00:43:10,239 --> 00:43:13,600 Speaker 1: Executive produced by Conor Byrne and jessab And Says for iHeart, 596 00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:18,480 Speaker 1: Alex Filmeto, Elizabeth Schutzo and Margaret Catcher for Trojan Horse, 597 00:43:19,120 --> 00:43:24,319 Speaker 1: Camilla Vittriano, Joshua Weinstein, forer Sonoro and me emmio lea 598 00:43:25,600 --> 00:43:30,319 Speaker 1: special things to Marina Cornella. Listen to Crumbs on the 599 00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:45,160 Speaker 1: iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.